The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - How to Properly Wash Your Genitals with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

As the Trixie and Katya grand tour exits the green, moist forests of the Pacific Northwest and meanders east towards the lumps and bulges of the Rocky Mountains, we check in with our favorite role models to learn about penile hygiene, flatus consumption, and how to make a real difference in this crazy thing we call life. If you aren't properly motivated to better yourself, spread love to others, and join a cult after this episode, then perhaps you should stop listening to this podcast. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. dot your Q dot CA. Do you like how we went from like professional equipment, professional lighting, and now here we are. I don't care. Crouched. Crouched.

Well, you're in the good. You actually look great. Maybe someone will fuck me. I didn't mean to say you actually look great. No, it's fine. Maybe someone will fuck me.

I think they will. Maybe someone will fuck me. So I was in the, um, let me so i was in the um let me i was in the um it was in the gym just now oh and i was on grinder i'm not supposed to be on grinder oh the program covid oh well isn't grinder also like a it's the drug market in the free world not really i mean it is and it isn't but guess what i mean I could have asked the housekeeping guy in the hall for drugs because he looked like he was holding. You're right. Hello. Holding out.

We're not reading anything. Let's have that conversation. Darling. Darling Deepa. He also smelled like whodunit, which is, but it's fine. Did you smell B.O.? I smelled B.O. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's him. I don't want to give away what motel we're at. No, no, no, no, no. But it's him. It's him. I smelled B.O. It's him. That's why I was like. I'm nervous that the person cleaning the room has B.O. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's him. I don't want to give away what motel we're at. No, no, no, no, no. It's him. It's him. I smell B.O. It's him. That's why I was like.

I'm nervous that the person cleaning the room is B.O. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I want a glade plug. Maybe the call's coming from inside the house. The good news is I fluffed and folded your towels. The bad news is your room smells like chicken masala, bitch.

It smells like human feces. But he's a very, I mean, I'd pop him in the shower and then I'd give him a little scrubbing bubble. Oh, you would? Yes. All right. Yeah. He's giving transient. Transient.

He's giving transient tea. Giving hot tea. Giving hot. Well, he's giving capital T. Hot. Well, I have a lot to talk about. Okay. I love your Iron Horse.

I love it too because it reminds me of one of the best gigs I've ever done in my whole life. Do you remember? Your bar. That's right. Did you really enjoy yourself? Oh, I loved it. Christmas on IBC. You'll love it.

I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Well, we're playing the Pabst Theater In seven days Which is on the same Basically block Okay So I'm gonna go to the bar You better believe

I'm going to that bar I asked them I don't care if it's open or closed Well I asked them to block off A little area Oh don't even need to For COVID safety Oh for COVID safety

And it has access To the smoking door Oh Yeah I'll look it up for you I said she'll come If it's I said to George

I said air conditioned. I said little private area for COVID safety. And she needs to be able to smoke and leave quietly without saying goodbye. And someone needs to F-U-C-K-M-E. Fuck me. Before I K-M-S. F-U-C-K-M-E before I K-M-S.

Seriously. Can I say something? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not done talking about your bar. All right. I just called them today and said, can we come? For COVID safety, we have to probably be hermits. But can we come? And they were like, we'll figure out some kind of seating for you.

No, no, no. I'm going to double masked and double bagged. This little peanut pecker is getting shrink wrapped. No. I have the other schedule. Your bar backing. I would love to bar. Well, I would love to bareback. Bareback at the bar? Bareback at the bar. When's the last time you wore a condom? I wore a condom in, like, five years ago, three years ago, maybe two years ago, a year ago. No, that my, um i what about doc i mean i listen safe sex everyone

i love everyone what about doctors who say that you should be doing oral sex with a condom on i say what is this what is this 1992 brown bag lunch this is 1992 is this hookers at the point yeah that's crazy well i did that i did that I did that because it was a dirty dick. It was a dirty dick. He wanted, he insisted. I don't know. I've told you this before. He insisted that I put the condom on him. And I was like, you think I'm, you think I'm, you think I'm, what do you think I am? Come to find out it was him. He, he, it was whodunit. He was trying to protect you. Yes. He was trying to protect me. What do you mean he felt like he doesn't wash it?

Uncut, unwashed. It was fucking disgusting. You know, it's guys like that that they feed into the stereotype that uncut dicks are dirty. They're not. They're not. No, no, no. But people get dirty. Yeah, but also cut dicks are sometimes dirty. Of course, people are dirty.

People get nasty. But you have to wash your dick. You have to wash your dick. You really should. No matter what the skin is, you need to wash your dick. You should wash your dick. But also, if you don't, you can go in the shower with an uncut dick and not wash it. And it doesn't get washed because you've got to...

Yeah, I guess that's true. It's true. You've got to retract the statement. You have to retract the statement. You have to dial it back. We're in Boise. Boise. It's true. You gotta retract the statement. You have to retract the statement. You have to dial it back. We're in Boise. Boise. Kind of nice.

I mean, girl, no tea to Boise. We were just in Bend, Oregon. You love Bend. Oh, it was so... You couldn't get enough of Bend. I was listening to music. I was on a run and I was imagining my life playing out very differently living in Bend.

I said, no drag. No, no, no, no. No. I said, I work at a clock shop. And all day it's... I work at the REI smokestack. The smokestack. I went in there.

The stacks, yeah. Oh, you did? Was it good? By Farnway. The whitest place I've ever been in my life. I don't know. Neria Blackman. Neria Blackman. I didn't, nary a Blackman, nary a Blackman. I think, I believe it was like Tracy Chapman,

Fast Car Playing. I was like, this is what? Yeah, yeah. It's Whistler's mother. I've never been, when I say something's white, Yeah, that's because you know it's white. Yeah, it's ivory soap. Yeah.

Bend in general was so beautiful. There's so many professional runners who live there. Oh yeah, that beautiful track. Jesus Christ. Beautiful track. It was like running on a it was like cold it was like 46 and sunny oh yeah lovely crisp oh it was pretty nice here too and then we went to seattle which besides the weather is a lovely city lovely city unforgiving tell you about that weather girl that weather makes me want to kms kms KMS it is fucking ruthless and wretched and rotten ruthless wretched and rotten ruthless wretched and rotten it's not the vibe who wants to be in

that weather I don't know people I mean it's one of the biggest cities in the United States yeah people with the shittiest weather of all time. Did you like Portland? I love Portland. But again, shit-ass weather. Very green. We didn't really get to experience the green. Did you notice that about Portland? It's extremely green.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deep, rich color. Deep, rich color. And I'll say this, I know that they're supposed to have like a rivalry. A rivalry. A sibling rivalry. Are they really?

They're supposed to be like, one is better than the other. Like, they don't get along. Like Boston, New York? Maybe. Is that a thing? Well, Boston loves to think it's on par with New York. one is better than the other. Like they don't get along. Like Boston, New York? Maybe. Is that a thing? Well, Boston loves to think it's on par with New York. It is nothing of the sort.

People in Boston think that Boston is New York. People in Boston. People in Boston, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Girl. You lied to yourself. I've been to Boston maybe 10 times. It's fine.

It's fine. It's like Pittsburgh. It's like Philly. All of those cities would be the same. Yeah. Yeah. Boston and Phillyilly i feel like are very comparable well all those cities when you go to the oldest part of the city they do

look the same yeah over where juju's house was yeah or like you're like wow this looks like a storybook yeah townhouses tall skinny townhouses yeah they always look the same i mean philly looks like that they all look the same yeah i pulled trade once in philly and uh he lived in one of those little tall skinny townhouses. Yeah. Hey. Hey, how y'all doing? I've reached a point in my life where I've slept with so many people I don't remember them all.

I don't remember when that happened, but I... I remember being like 20, 25 and being like... I could tell you everyone I've had sex with. I think, I don't know if that I could like like I could make a list and do a description, but I definitely could tell you if the person was in a lineup, I could pick them all out. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No. Like if someone if they say they had sex with 100 people and then they put a lineup of 300 people in front of you, could you be would you be able to pick out the 100 people?

In a room, in a room, in a room. There's going to be 100 people. So in this scenario, I have 300 men, what, like a firing squad? Okay, shoot, let's say you've had sex with 20 people and they put you in a room with 50 people. Could you pick out the 20 people? Who would be the...

Yeah, I probably could. But you know what happened to me semi-recently? Could you pick out the 20 people? Who would be the- Yeah, I probably could. But you know what happened to me semi recently? I talked to somebody on Grindr and I was like, hey, and they were like, how have you been? And I was like, oh, oh, good. And they were like, and then finally they slept together. I was like, you did? I didn't know!

But that's so good. Cause then you're going to do it again. Oh, it's the Oh, new information. It's the guarantee! New information. I mean, listen, you and I don't retain information. No, we don't. You don't remember? I don't.

I don't remember the first time. I don't remember the first time. How am I gonna remember shit I don't even hear? That's true! I'm paying attention, I just have no memory. He was hot though, and I was like, But did you do it again? Did you do it again? I did.

Good for me. I was like, I felt that for me. I did that. Okay. So if you ever see me on Grindr, just tell me we fucked, and and I was like, I don't know. But did you do it again? I did. Good for me. I was like, I felt that for me. I did that. Okay. So if you ever see me on Grindr, just tell me we fucked and I'll be like, okay, we did. Great, great, great.

Good for me. I don't think that, I don't think that, I guess there's no way to know because nobody will ever tell you if you're bad in bed. They'll tell their friends and stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've become very forgiving. I used to be like, tell you if you're bad in bed they'll tell their friends and stuff do you know what i mean like um

i've become very forgiving i used to be like oh i kissed someone and their eyes were open jail oh now i'm like you know what everybody's different everybody's trying their best out absolutely everybody in bed is is actively trying to do a good job yeah absolutely and feel good and feel good and have fun i don't like the whole i don't like the whole, I don't like the whole, oh, they were bad in bed. Like it's some kind of contest or some kind of like points, whatever. But it also means that you're saying my point of view, what good sex is, is the most real. Right.

What if you love choking and no one choked you? You're like, he was terrible. Right. Exactly. Or like, oh, he didn't spit in my eyeball. Right. Yeah. I mean, I get it. If like, I would say like, okay, if you agree upon like,

hey, I really want to just like pound you into the ground like a jackhammer. Like, yes, that's what I love. And then you come over and then you can't get hard. That's a problem. T.

That would be like bad in bed or whatever. Although you gotta be like, you gotta be like me. You gotta sometimes mention, mention to the children that sometimes people can't, well, not children.

They're not children. They're adults, I think. Well, that's why I always have a little blue chew on hand. I give them a fair warning. I go, just so you know, this happens sometimes in the start of a game. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I skip the warning.

I say, how about a pill? I say, if I don't see, if I don't see, if I don't see, if you're not whole head and upper chest area is in bright red. Wait, do I have to make your face red? Oh my God. It makes, you'll know when I've taken a pill because it is like eyes bloodshot.

Like, like red, red, red. Cause I take the off market ones. I mean, once I took a, well not once, many times. I once took a pill. I've taken a 200 milligram, which is far and away. That is, that is exceeded. That's how you get an elephant boner? Well, that is above and beyond the recommended daily dose.

It was, it was like, you could have just snapped it right off the body. Yeah. But also it's like, I mean, it is like, you know, you know, sister, you know, Chelsea and Shelby right here, they are like, they are roided up and they're just like, yeah. Farfalle or farfalle. Yeah. But there, yeah, it's like, but I will always, always, I always keep them always. I do the same thing. I have a huge vial of GHB. And I'll just get them more comfortable. Drop, drop, drop. No, because it really helps the...

I also have a prescription from India. Just in case anybody, you know. Get the big girls. Get the big girls some shots. I had... You know what the bus driver gave me before the gym? I'm feeling a little tired today. So the bus driver gave me before the gym? I'm feeling a little tired today. So the bus driver gave me a thermogenesis pill.

Is that Willow Pill's sister? Thermogenesis pill? What is it? It's some kind of pre-workout. And I was like, you got anything tweaky up there? That's like your version of, I'm feeling a little tired. I'm not awake for 24 hours. I'm feeling tired.

I just feel, I woke up. You were tired yesterday and you were really good in the show. Yeah. I thought you had a really good night last night.

I was, it was good. It was good. It was good. It was good. I feel like you're my, my mother with schizophrenia. I'm like,

she had a good day yesterday. You know? Well, I was, I was talking to Eden backstage and I was like, she asked me how I, how she was doing and I was like, she asked me how she was doing. And I was like, you're doing great.

You're doing great. You're doing great. You're doing great. You're doing great. You, I was like, I'm very, I'm very appreciative of the way you are handling my inconsistent and wildly inconsistent moods. You never know what you're going to get like every day. You know what I mean? It's not easy.

It's not easy working for me. It's not easy. I wouldn't think it would be. I think we are hard to work for in different ways. Very different ways. You are extremely consistently demanding. That's five pins, not four.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am, I don't know even what I would, I don't know who, the wind. It's like working for the wind Where is she? Who knows?

And Eden used to work for me And I know that Eden pretty much can do anything Yeah She's very smart and not really intimidated by any one task No She's kind of Maybe she'll hear this I think she's probably the smartest person in most situations

Yeah, yeah, yeah She's really smart She's very, very smart I think she tolerates a lot of us Yeah And I think the thing that I'm most self-conscious about And I feel really bad about But there's really nothing. She's very, very smart. I think she tolerates a lot of us. Yeah. And I think that the thing that I'm most self-conscious about, and I feel really bad about, but there's really nothing I can do about it, is the laundry. I mean, when you work for me, it's the moisture.

It's about moisture. It's the moisture. It's about wet. It's about wet. It's like, it's wet and grossy. Yeah. It's wet and gross. It's deep blue sea.

It's gross. That's wet and grossy. It's wet and gross. It's deep blue sea. It's gross. That's tough. Yeah. And I like the one, the first, I think it was the second night. It was the wettest night so far. Maybe the first night. It was the first night. The first night.

It was so hot. It was so hot. What theater was that? The Warfield. The Warfield, San Francisco. You were not looking out for the girls. No. You're not being a consumer friend.

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Dynamic Funds. Invest with advice. Visit dynamic.ca slash advice to learn more. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. When you drive a Mazda, you'll find out why our SUVs won more 2024 IIHS top safety picks than any other brand as of June, 2024. Find out what makes Mazda different at mazda.ca. We did the full run through, the full dress run through in humiliating. Girl, tell them to look. Oh my God, okay.

Now mind you, we are in an ensemble with four extremely beautiful dancers. Actual like, very good dancers. Lady Gargar. Some of them good dancers. Lady Gargar. Some of them have stripped. Lady Gargar. Yeah. Some of them have danced for Gaga.

One of them is leaving to go dance for Shania. They're perfect, Gorgeous men. Incredible men. Gorgeous, gorgeous men. Gorgeous, gorgeous men. And I have never felt like more like an unfuckable monster next to these guys.

And so we're in full drag with wigs. No makeup. No makeup. So I have in full drag with wigs, no makeup. No makeup. So I have the full body on, the boobs, the corset, the cinture, the hips, the heels. It was Todrick, nails, hair, hips, heels. No makeup. No makeup.

I got a beard. I've got like, I'm looking gaunt and sallow. I have no eyebrows. It's like, we look in the Jumbotron, which we're getting, we're getting, because these are huge venues, we have a giant screen behind us. And I look over and I'm like,

it's like from the back. I'm like, oh, cute body. It was fierce, fierce, fierce. And then you look over. It was like face swap. Gross. And just pouring sweat. And then we do a full run through all the numbers

and then do a full first show. It was really a dress rehearsal rehearsal but it was a full show with makeup no meet and greet but the full was it no there wasn't me to greet there was there was a fucking meet and greet we did the full run through of the show without makeup on basically in all the costumes and the body mics on yes and then scramble to get in drag we have one hour to get in drag then we go do the meet and greet and then we go do a full show and the show is uh a brisk and crisp three hours long oh yeah the first cut of the show was truly pushing three hours pushing three hours because we had no edits we had no we had never really done it for an audience before there were so many laughs we just it was crazy drenched in place

before all the scene changes everything are are perfect, the plays start longer. And then as all plays, the longer you do them. It's a comedy. Yeah. It's a comedy. Dramas don't get shorter because what? You're going to cut for people crying? Yeah.

You know, like, so. When people laugh a lot, like they were, I mean, they have laughed themselves to death every night. Yeah. You have to wait for every line. And almost every line is a joke. Yeah. I can count on my hand maybe 10 times, but it's not a joke. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. It's weird. If we go two or three sentences without a laugh, it's very strange. Yeah. But yeah, thankfully, the show was very funny. But Mary, what? There's a joke in the show that's an airplane joke that we are trying to get work. And yesterday, once again, no one laughed.

And then I said, you know what? It's important for to bomb yeah i am like i think we should take it out and you're like i love it i'm like you don't have to say it it's my life we should we should just switch it i would love to deliver that one night just so everyone knows i'm playing you we should those. We should just switch parts. And it should be the read of the century. I'm taking liberties. I'm having a dick out. I'm having a dick out. Cigarettes the whole night.

A turntable. A turntable. Bloodshot eyes. Big white, white manicure teeth. And I'm going to be smiling. Porcelain dials. Bloodshot diva sings the blues. And I'm going to pick up all the lines and I might get closer

to the text than you. No, I know my lines. No, I'll tell everybody here. I do know my lines. I know that I have a more of a tendency to probably come in

and we'll work type A. This person right here, you know the show. I do. I do. I don't ever worry about us forgetting things. No, no, no.

But however, in the first few shows we make cuts, which means you have to go out there and do these scenes. And forget. And at first, you have to mentally cut out whole sections. Yeah, that's tough. That's all of my brain power. Yeah.

Because once I learn something, it's hard to unlearn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still struggling with the dancing on the first number, but they don't get there. I'm looking at you. Have you noticed I migrated upstage? I keep thinking I'm traveling too far forward. No, no, no, no. Now the truth comes out.

I'm coming back so I can look at you because I'm looking at you. And our director, ooh, big shout out also to our director, Tim Drucker, because he's been so incredible. He's like, so I noticed you played a little more upstage for New York, New York. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. So I can look at Trixie. I'm giving her a moment. I'm being a considerate person. So I'm just looking at you. And he's like,

yeah, it looks a lot tighter. I was like, yeah. Because I'm looking at her. You think it was that way of him saying, I think it's better for you to follow the program. He did say it. It also turns true colors. He's like, why don't you just say that, you know, we can work that in like that. You don't know what's going on.

There's a lot of movement in the show. Yeah, I know. There is a lot of movement. Oh, my God. My thermogenesis is kicking in. So during the closing number, our closing number, our final number last night, I couldn't help but notice. Also, yeah.

So I was like weirdly weirdly weirdly off balance like just standing there when we do our little you know when we're just doing this and and just for the very opening i was like i was like what is wrong with me i was like i felt like i was drunk and i was like what the fuck and then we go to spin just turn for the the beginning before it starts to get into the choreo and i'm like i'm like stumbling i'm like what the fuck and then we go to spin just turn for the the beginning before it starts to get into the choreo and i'm like i'm like stumbling i'm like what the fuck is happening mary all my toes were asleep what all of my toes yes you know before we put before we put the fucking um uh the first dance shoes on for the first number, half of my foot, like I would say a quarter of each of my feet were asleep.

And I was like, why can't, I was like, during New York, New York, I was like, I couldn't, when we go up like this, just standing there, I was like stumbling, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? My fucking toes were asleep. Yeah. Horrible. Necrosis. necrosis necrosis well you know what i'm gonna do necro vaping i don't like the way it looks up close but i think i'm gonna cut the stirrups i

have to i think i have to i have to have toes are dying my toes are fucked like it's in the um because what happens is like i so i do one two three four and then fishnets so that's five layers and then what happens when you s when you push your toe box where you into the toe box of the shoe putting shoes on yes stretching you're stretching the nylons away and it's yeah yeah and the feet are naturally have to the toes have to go like curl you don't know this on stage drag queens are like this yes it's. Yes. It's not safe. It's not safe. And like, I was like, wow, God.

And so we put on the boots for the first, very first bit. And I'm like, oh fuck. Like I can't feel my pinky toe. And then the first couple, and then the half of my big toe was totally numb. Something about those toes. Feel right. Blue toe.

Yeah, blue toe. And then after the show, we took the, everything off and I looked at my big toe and about those toes. Feel right. It was- Blue toe. Yeah, blue toe. And then after the show, we took the, everything off and I looked at my big toe and half of it was yellow. Like white, yellow. Work. You know how-

I was squeezed to death. Squeezed to death. No blood. No blood. No blood. First night I pulled my wig off and there was blood in it. I took one of those geisha pins

and stabbed it into my bald head and there was just blood in this blonde wig and I was like I'm spotting great I'm on the rag oh my god I lost the baby

thank god don't put that in there but I think it's going pretty good it's going great and I feel relieved because we have signed up to do a lot of them yes

and if this wasn't fun and easy and successful and funny it would be a different vibe on the tour. And if this wasn't fun and easy and successful and funny, it would be a different vibe on the tour. I'm going to say it's fun and successful and funny. I'm not going to say it's easy. Because for me, it's not easy.

You don't think this is easier than, like, stand-up? No, no, no, no, no. It is easier mentally. Mentally, it's easier. It's much easier mentally. Physically, it's... This is more than your other show. Oh, girl.

I didn't do shit in Help Me, I'm Dying. I mean, I just stood there. I just stood there. Well, you were dying. Hello. I just stood there. This is a lot of dancing. It's a lot of quick changes.

A lot of quick, quick, quick, quick, quick changes. It's a lot of layers. It's a lot of sweating. I don't know. It's a lot. Yeah. You're kind of doing your best sweating on this tour. This is kind of an all-star.

Yeah. I'm really getting... I'm letting the, I'm letting the wet out. I'm letting the, yeah, the wave is happening. Portland was great though. Portland was hardly, it was almost dry. It was incredible. Hi.

Hello. Will someone please fuck me? Do it. Will someone please fuck me? Will you please fuck me? Will you please fuck me? I think someone would. I think someone needs to. I was in the gym talking.

Well, I don't know if it was the person, but so I was on, I went on Grindr. I'm not supposed to do whatever. And I was in the gym and then I saw a person who looked like the person who had messaged me on Grindr. So I was like, I was like trying to give him like goo-goo eyes like in real life. What does that look like? Like this. Do you have an actual look? Um, so if you're like.

It's like prolonged lenses. Yeah, I mean, it's a little creepy. Like, so say this is going to creep you out. I've seen you do it. You did it at that server the other night. No, that was like this. Girl, it was Tex Avery. We went to this Mexican Asian fusion restaurant.

I just want to know. I want that waiter to know. I want that waiter to know it's too little, too late at this point. I would fucking blow up a kindergarten just to have you fart in my mouth. Why not do both? That's juicy. Miss Juicy.

Miss Juicy. Hey! Hi. How y'all doing? We've been entering and leaving every room today. Well, he came over. I mean, first first of all he is such a great bartender such a great uh service worker because he gives he gives good eyeball. Yeah. He gave me feel heard and seen he made you feel seen and this place called SZN does that mean season? Sazon? I don't know. SZN, does that mean season? Cezanne? I don't know. SZN in Seattle. Asian Fusion. Yeah, Asian Fusion.

And the touring company, for COVID reasons, has been renting us entire establishments for just the tour to party alone. Which isn't great. We went to a speakeasy where they had custom cocktails. Yeah, that's cool. Lesbian in San Francisco was making us these bomb cocktails by hand. Yeah, gorgeous.

And then we got the most lit Mexican-Asian food. I've never heard of fusion. It was Asian fusion. It was like a Korean fusion. It was great. It was so good. The chicken was really hot. And the bartender was really hot.

And I saw him deliver your food. I saw him walk away. How would you describe? Hungry. Starving. Starving. Starving. Starving.

Dehydrated. Like, like, prowler. Prowler. You know when, in National Geographic, when something's about to pounce and it gets really low to the ground. Yeah. It gets really wide. Yeah. That's what it was.

Three months without food. And then it sees a gazelle on the savannah. He was gorgeous. He was really gorgeous. And I asked, I was like, I was trying to make conversation. So the next time he came over, I was like, hi, can I ask you a question? Would you run somebody over for a million dollars? And he's like, I'd do it for free.

That's what he said? Yeah. Work. Yeah. Then you asked me. I know. Yeah. You said, would you do it for a million dollars?

And I said, I'd do you for a half mil. Yeah. But I, so this is what, this is what I was doing at the guy in the gym. So you're over there working out and I'm working out. And I would just be like this. That's not too creepy. No, no, I'm just looking. I'm like, I'm just looking. I'm looking. There's no, there's no, I'm not, I'm looking.

There's no denying that. It's not like- You're looking. Yeah, yeah. You're looking, you're seeking. But I keep thinking about that Joan Rivers thing where she was like um when she was she was

she was at some talk show and she's like talks about where she was trying to do a like when women are trying to get

all sexy and she does this that's you that's me and you were also doing the in fabric hands yeah

I mean yeah I'm literally outside in the lobby going like this. Yeah. The echoes of my loneliness shall reverberate throughout the lobby hall. Yeah.

Oh, I just want, I just, I deserve it. I deserve it. I have about 60 days left on my antibodies and I am living my best life. It's nice to be- A slut and a whore. Yes, but also just like not terrified of all times. Yeah, sure. Especially now that I've had COVID,

now I don't fear like the reaper anymore. It's like, oh, well, this is what happens and then. I feel like I should be able to invite someone over and leave the door unlocked, COVID test, right at the front of the door. I'm at the way at the end of the room

and it's like, hey, and I say, I would love for you to come to my room and have a lovely time. Please, just,

I'm in a production and I need to stay, not, I need to stay COVID free. I'm on the Oprah Winfrey show. Yeah, I'm on the Oprah, I am Oprah Winfrey.

A lot of people depend on me, I own a network. Will you do that test and then, right? I think that's 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so. I also think it's appropriate if you wanna, you can also STI test people. Oh, I don't care about that. For sex. I don't care about that.

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Buy from Dyson canada.ca with anc on performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage accessories sold separately transform and roll out from the director of toy story 4 buckle up this friday witness the origin of the transformers this is going to change everything. Awesome! Transformers 1. Only in theaters this Friday. With PG. It's really not important to me to have a lot of things to show off.

Fancy cars, you know, a giant home. Those things are just not part of who I am. But I've been coached and I've learned through my advisor that it's not one size fits all. Everyone has their own preferences. Everything that I do with Edward Jones is tailored to who I am.

Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. I just wish everybody would come out whenever they want. I get scared of religious people being forced to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. For what? Life isn't five minutes long.

It's a short life. It's incredibly short. It's a short life. Take it from us. It's a short life. One year. I am looking at the, I am literally, I can feel the tap, tap, tap of the side of the Reaper

on my shoulder right now. It's a short life. It is a short life. Being gay and like spending time, not fucking men is or not like sex is great i know i know we love to underplay it it like sex doesn't matter that much if you were fucking who you wanted to fuck every day you'd be so happy i know it's great it's only it's it's one of the few um it's one of the few activities that I feel like is unproductive yet totally productive. Yes.

Do you know what I mean? It's also mentally healthy, emotionally healthy. It's probably one of the only times people are actually good to themselves. Yeah. People treat themselves like shit. People drink water. People get blackout drunk. I have some startling news for you

about sex in people. Oh, they're not always, it's not always about being good. Do your show. No! Oh. Yeah, that's true. It's about K and G. It's about torture.

K and G. We had a first night of the show. We had a puker in the front row. Puker in the front row. This person was in the front row, so they probably listened to this podcast. Puker. Puker, Miss Puke. And person was in the front row, so they probably listened to this podcast. Puker. Puker. Miss puke.

And get this, she's doing this puke. She's doing this puke. We're in the middle of the show. By the way, it's the opening night. We're just trying to remember our lines. Yeah. And in the opening night of anything, you're almost on autopilot. Yeah. Because it's like out of body watching yourself perform this thing. And there's a scene where Kasha and I are

tied up and Kelly Mantle, who's in the tour, is behind us doing a whole monologue. Four feet from us, someone's puking and they're literally- Bowled over. Bowled over. Dead. Dead.

The seats next to them vacant because you know why. And like, yeah, it's like an emergency situation going on there. And Miss Kelly is oblivious. And then after the show, we're like, I can't believe that person who puked. And Kelly's like, what? And you're like, Kelly, someone was puking right in front of you during puked. And Kelly's like, what? You're like, Kelly's almost puking right in front of you

during your monologue. And she's like, oh, that's Kelly as a professional. Yeah, actor. She's acting. That attracts me. She's so funny. I can't wait to go out there every night and see what she's gonna change her ass.

She goes, she's different every night. I know. In the good way. I know. Kelly Durant is so funny. Hello. How's that? I don't wanna spoil it, but the accents she does

are so unplaceable. Yeah. Yes. Elusive. She's been around the world. She's going to a lot of- You can't quite locate her. GPS does not work on Ms. Mantle.

I told her that her accent is where in the world is Carmen Sanderson. She's probably in the middle of the sense. As soon as you think you try to drop a pin, it goes move somewhere else. Yeah. Oh my God. And the dancers are great.

We have two tour buses which feels rich. It feels super, super rich. But we have a huge production. I don't know if you've seen if you've seen the load in for the equipment. It's like a fucking

Lollapalooza. There's a semi truck carrying I don't even know how many hundreds of thousands of dollars of lights and shit. Yes.

The stuff the what do you call that? I don't know know how many hundreds of thousands of dollars of lights and shit. Yes, the um, the the stuff the the What do you call that? I don't know what you call it. It's like metal shit. Metal shit. The grits. Yeah They bring it in, set it on the stage, they break it up and they lift it up every night But that way on tour the person who runs the tour his lighting is Chris who's done both of our tours Yes, his lighting is the same every night. He just has to push the buttons. Bam. Yeah. Otherwise, he has to spend the whole day programming a light. No, Mary. It's too much.

It's crazy. The show has so many cues. So many. So many audio and visual cues. It's crazy. He told me, like, every 20 seconds there's a cue. Yeah. And Chris is so... This motherfucker is so...

Talk about cool as a cucumber. Cooler than the coolest cucumber in the fucking crisper yeah he is so chill calm energy calm energy I said he's like this he's like yeah yeah he's very chill I get he's so chill I love it yeah he makes me nervous that when straight guys are that nice, I'm always like... What lurks beneath? Yeah, or like, why don't you hate me?

Why do straight people tour with drag queens and not feel weird about it? You know? I don't know. That's my own damage. I think that's your own business you get to attend to.

But I think he likes it. He loves us. Yeah, he likes us. He's got a very dark sense of humor. I think that's why he likes it. Yeah, and he's also like, I appreciate being around

straight people because they don't like they don't like drag just because do you know what i mean like they don't right like they don't just take drag as a given because if you kind of look at drag from the outside you're like what's so good about it in a lot of ways you know um but he i yeah i like um i often like straight guys um straight guys' opinions about drag. It's interesting to see what they get out of it. Yeah. Yeah. One of my friends came to the show and was like,

I was surprised to see how many young women. I was like, oh, come on. Are you kidding? This is a sapphic mixer. Yeah, this is sapphic. This is girl on girl. This is girls gone wild. Girls gone wild, yeah. Girl on girl.

The L word. Yeah, sapphic remembrance. Yeah, this is sapphic Sundays at the Lickety Splits. Yeah. Let me greet all these single girls. I, they, I. Go talk to them. I know.

They're eating out at the gig. I know. Chomp, chomp, ladies. Chomp, chomp. I hope y'all are like, I hope y'all like spread legs and chomp, chomp like piranha. By the way, if I'm a woman and I want my pussy eaten. I come to our show. I get a woman to do it.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd go to our show. I would take my breasts out of my top and I would be, hi, would someone please chomp, chomp on my clit? Should I chew it like ginger root? Are you nauseous? Also, somebody who's doing something at the show that I really take issue with,

which is when it's a seated event, we're in these. Standing up. We're in some of the most beautiful theaters I've ever been. Oh, they're stunning. The walls are like sculpted and painted. Beautiful. I don't know what you call it in theaters. It's lit and like domes and painted. It's I don't know what you call it in theaters. It's lit and like domes and it's painted.

It's gorgeous. Baroque. When no one's standing. You don't need to stand. Don't you stand up. Last night, there was a girl who, every song she was standing, I'm like, I'm happy you're here. I'm happy you're happy. People are behind you.

I know. It's crazy. I didn't get nervous when the drag, there was a drag queen sitting in the front row. With the horns, I know. Nobody can see. I know. You got to be considerate with your, maybe the theater is not the place for your funky hat.

That's why I didn't wanna sit at the Critics' Choice Awards. I was like, I'm gonna ruin this for someone. Yeah, no way. Yeah, the theater is not the place for funky hat, or for K&G. Or ketamine and G. Did I take ketamine? Ketamine.

You can't take ketamine. Ketamine and G, I just bait, yeah. Were you on PrEP? No. I don't get fucked. Yeah, the risk is much lower. We had a woman I don't get fucked yeah the risk is much lower we had a woman

at the mean greet the other day who was a nurse remember that and she was like yeah no she was a pharmacist a pharmacist

she said thank you so much for doing your prep ads I'm a prescriber of prep and I thank you for telling people nine and counting

nine and counting that's crazy nine I know and not to be reductive but like Michael Henry, who I work with a lot, people are like,

how do you know Michael? I'm like, we were in an HIV medicine commercial. That's how we met. It's great though. You're doing the work. I love doing those commercials. I'm,

if nobody's seen them, everyone's. The ones that, the funny, some of them are very funny. They're hilarious. Yeah, they're very funny.

They're really funny and I don't like memorizing. Well, my attitude, when I sat down to memorize this show could not have been more poor. Oh, he was... I was like, fucking tour, fucking touring, bullshit. I was so mad. Girl, it...

By the way, the script of sitting down to memorize something I didn't even write. I know. I mean, I like, we, I was there. I mean, me and Eden were there for every draft of the script seven of them and i still was like i'm not learning this and i waited to the very last minute but then i learned it because it's actually not that hard it's not that tough but when i got covid i was like well there's nothing to do so we're learning the script i did about five or

ten pages a day that That was my project. But you know, some people like, do you know about the play Byron Seller? No. It's a play, a one-man play. What? One person. No.

All monologues. And it's by, it's the point of view of the one person who works in Barbra Streisand's basement. Oh, yes, yes. You told me about that. And I know a few people have played it. Tom Lang's played it.

Jay Rodriguez has played it. It's all one person. And I was like, how do you even do that? And they go, well, yes, you told me about that. And I know a few people have played it. Tom Lang's played it. Jay Rodriguez has played it. It's all one person. And I was like, how do you even do that? And they go, well, basically, because, you know, monologue is different than dialogue. Of course. The monologue, we have big monologues in the middle of the show. That took so much brain power to memorize that,

and it's not even that long. I know. These people have told me, they're like, basically, you have to take one page of dialogue a day for months to memorize it. And then at the end of every day, you have to kind of do it in order to see how it all...

I could never. I'm sorry. Mary. Memorizing my stand-up is very easy because it's in the way I wrote it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In my head. Memorizing things the way other people write them is just way harder. Oh, I'm thinking about how long it takes me to learn a song in another language

and I have to listen and I'm like, oh, it takes about two months. Girl, I do a song in this show that you wrote that I'm not even clear on the words. I just mouth things that I think are right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy.

Sorry, I guess that's all we talked about as a tour. No, that's going to be life. Please fuck me. Please fuck her. I mean it's Yeah it's crazy It's crazy Sorry I guess That's all we talked about Is the tour but No that's Well that's gonna be life Please fuck me Please fuck her It's our day off From the tour

So I'm gonna just Go for a run I'm gonna get a massage At five Did you book it at the place No They booked it for me Cause I have to be

COVID Whatever You know Yeah Wow They're coming to the room In the room In the room

In the room Have you ever used a soothe app no it's uber but it's massage shut the fuck dead serious it's providers and you go hey i'm at this hotel and you choose if the man or woman you can request oil on hot stones no it's not that it's normal massage okay at least the last one I had, the guy took out a big drum and beat it. Are you serious? Yes. You get like.

Can I get like the blow dart to the neck? Well, I think it wasn't a drum. It was a lip for a trash can. He was, well, it wasn't exactly a massage. It was. I fell down on the street. I fell down on the street and some homeless man touched me.

I know, I know, I don't... I never know what to say about it, but the unchecked and unmitigated, rampant, unhoused in San Francisco shocks me every time. It's Armageddon. San Francisco is Armageddon. For those of you who are not aware, San Francisco is Armageddon. If you're wondering about how things are going to end and how

capitalism is going to collapse and erupt into chaos, just visit San Francisco. It's crazy. Within, I think I walked from, now we were in the Tenderloin, which is a very challenging area. Challenging profile. Yeah, challenging profile.

I remember my like, I don't know, 30 meter walk from the bus to the venue. I think I saw three human asses and two of them take a feces shit on the ground. Right outside the door. I saw the shit, not to be gross. I saw the shit come out of their anus onto the ground. That's how you do it. Littered with human shit everywhere.

Not dog shit. It wasn't like Runyon back in la but there's dog shit everywhere it was like this is human shit because i saw the shit come out from the feces hole in the person human shit looks different on the street yeah it looks like it tastes way different i stepped outside the stage door and i saw a yeah oh yeah a needle in the arm it's just sunlight yeah yeah yeah yeah me and i didn to go back in the day. Yes. How brazen. How brazen. That was drug use.

Intravenous drug use in the street in the sunlight. Not to be Pollyanna. Every time. Oh, wait. No, I know. I remember. It's the first time I saw it in real life. Because I'm not an. I was never an intravenous drug user.

And like that. Because that scares me. I watched it. It looks like you've taken a hard fall. Are you okay? I'm fine. Oh my God. I fell, but I'm okay.

I did not fall. It's like when this watch wants to be able to go, take a moment to breathe. Are you serious? Don't fucking tell me what to do. Fuck off. Wait, does that monitor your health? Yeah.

How? How? I don't know. Oh. Well, it has this on the back which i think tracks your heart rate and your temperature and stuff oh work i want to get one apple watch i'm obsessed with it i just cannot have emails come to me on my wrist no no you get your text though which is fabulous because then you can just be like okay i'll get rid of it it's on the text you don't have to pick up your phone can i just exit out you can also not look at it okay okay

there's so many great things, though, in here. I'm going to get an Apple Watch today. You should. I love it. Okay, cool. The only thing is, you have to charge it every couple days. No, I charge my phone every day.

Yeah, but it's just, you know, it's one more thing. One more thing to go to the charger. Yeah. But San Francisco, I actually went home and Googled the San Francisco. I was like,

I had to find articles about like, Oh, there's plenty. What do you do? How can I do something? I mean, we're in a sold out theater for two nights on tour buses. I'm standing off my mobile bedroom. I know it's crazy. Which a tour bus isn't as glamorous as it sounds, but still.

But still, yeah. I'm just like, what can we actually do for these people? Is that ignorant? But like, what can we actually do? Besides just give money to someone, which I guess is probably the best thing. I assume you just give money to a shelter or something. I don't know. what can we actually do besides just give money to someone which I guess is probably the best thing is someone just give money to a shelter or something I don't know what can we actually do

what's the recourse I think it's I don't know I mean I honestly don't know I think it's I don't the wealth disparity

in San Francisco is so huge it's just I don't know it's crazy I don't know I don't know I think we have to

overthrow capitalism but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon me and. I don't know. I think we have to overthrow capitalism, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Me and Eden, when we were walking to the restaurant, saw a man fully naked. Today? No, in Portland. In Portland. Naked.

It was very strange. There's a lot of... I mean, we live in Hollywood. I'm used to seeing... Lots of different stuff. LA on house, though, it's different than San Francisco unhoused. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And Portland, I also saw talking to self. In Seattle, I saw someone up

against a mirror, like a mirrored window at a restaurant with two action figures yelling at each other. It was me. No. It was a Trixie doll and a Katja doll. I was just processing. I'm getting through my frustrations. But listen, if you have a way that you think you could help it was a Trixie doll and a Katja doll it was just work I was just processing just processing I'm getting through my frustrations yeah but listen if you have a way

that you think you could help or you think there's a good way to help let me know because I would like to do something

yeah hey give the big awesome shots give the big awesome shots we'll see you next time bye bye Bye.