The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - I Need Everyone to Know That I Only Like Girls with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

One day, in a not-so-distant future hellscape utterly ravaged by water wars and interstate battles over depleted natural resources, there will come a time when a person's sexual preference is so low on the list of things to care about that we will all be queer. Start building your credit up. Open a Chime Checking account with at least a $200 qualifying direct deposit. To get started, head to https://Chime.com/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Find more balance, with BetterHelp! Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Higher quality ingredients mean a healthier and happier life for your kitty. So head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Okay, wait. 90% of OnlyFans, people make less than $150 a month doing it. So 90% of OnlyFans creators make less than $150 a month doing it. So 90% of OnlyFans creators make less than $150 a month. Yeah, so when people post like I'm in the top 5%, it must mean like you make a lot of money a year. And I hate when people count my money.

You do, yeah. Mark, yeah, right. It's pretty spry, though. Do you see how fast he threw himself on the floor? The pink panther of Bald and the Beautiful. Oh, my God. That was slinky, Mark. That was slinky.

That was slinky. For those of you who are stuck in traffic listening to this, Mark just tried to sneakily crawl across frame without... Like a panther on the runway by the way knowing us even if you stayed out of frame do you think we were gonna act like that was normal that wasn't normal i love it it's not stepping in slinking it yes um so only fans yeah um if you and i i I think that that 90% less number, that number, I think it's because people who are good at porn make it look easy. Right? Content creation.

Even if you're having sex. If you're doing videos braiding your hair. Mama. Making videos is hard. It's very hard. Even if you're just talking to the camera, making videos is work. I'm going to scream. I'm about to scream.

And I think porn people probably get into it a lot of them thinking it's gonna be easy but m sex workers are part-time videographers part-time social media workers like they're fucking is such a small amount of what they do to be successful they're literally um uh uh like how do you call that like the coordination of the social like um hook uh securing the hookup yeah scheduling the hookup yeah you know like securing the hookup. Yeah. Scheduling the hookup. Yeah. Traveling for the hookup.

Yeah. Like diversifying the partner pool, all that stuff. Yeah. Mary, let me tell you something. As a, not regrettably, but slightly ashamed, avid user of OnlyFans, I can tell you that over 90% of OnlyFans creators have horrible video work. Mama, dark. Are you talking the quality?

No lighting. Bad framing. Uh-huh. No editing. Bad sound. No sound. Because I think sound matters. I want to hear the pussy lips.

Don't film in the shower. Don't film in the shower. People are filming in the shower. You know what I hear when you're filming in the shower? Get out of the shower. People are filming in the shower. You know what I hear when you're filming in the shower? Get out of the shower. Get out. Get out of the shower. I want your OnlyFans content to be like the tub in The Shining.

Mama. That curtain opening. It's not a shower. It's a bath. Yeah, it's a bath. That's a good point. It's a beautiful bathroom. Beautiful bathroom.

Unless you have an Art Deco bathroom. I don't want to see you fucking in it, honey. paying 9.99 a month sweetie i know the hgtv star in me when i watch the bathroom porn it's like but look at that tile work i know oh the ground if they had a skylight oh you know i can't i listen i have been scammed i have been scammed more times than i would care to admit girl i have been scammed scammed likely and you've been scammed more times than I would care to admit Girl! I have been scammed likely And you've been on OnlyFans So you're on both ends I've been a creator

I've been a scammer Not really Not really I never promised anything that I didn't deliver on And people who follow you know to expect They know they're not going to see my penis ball and testy And they know that they might not get content for years Oh, hello

You're on your own schedule Thank you I never said anything. I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you? Credit for being someone who tried to love you the only way she knew how. No, but I recently paid $30.

$30 to buy this video from this guy. I want to- You paid $30? $30! You could get the Harry Potter 7 film collection. So you hate trans women I just mean you could get like

Star Wars trilogy of course I could get half a tank of gas I could get half a tank of gas and go use that gas to go to that person's house

and slap them on the face and demand my 30 dollars back for 30 bucks you could have fucked up in real life do you know what I got you know what I got for 30 dollars

what was the video it was a like 12 second, darkly, poorly lit, badly framed, blurry video of him not even having an erection. It was a true straight up scam. It was a... So you paid for like actually a scam. You made me a personalized video. It was...

I bought fake drugs on the streets of Amsterdam. That's what it was. That's what it was. Do you want to... That's what it was. You don't it was. That's what it was. You don't want to out them. No, I want to kill them. Behind the scenes.

Well, I don't want you to embarrass them as a creator. No, no, no. I would never do that. But if they are a grifter, I hope they stop. If you know who you are and you hear this, please stop. That's disappointing. Yes. But this is about like, this is a different type of media literacy, a different type of

street smarts that you have to develop in the digital world. But it's also like, call the Better Business Bureau, bitch. bitch like they lied to you well yeah no shit so all i have what i have to do is like be do my due diligence be like okay shut the door on that spiritual realm you could probably get a refund you probably get only fans to refund you oh that's interesting what was sent to me for 30 but i think that they count on the the the shady or shadowy or shameful act of purchasing sex and sex-related items to like, you don't want to go public. The hooker I got had a weenie. That didn't satisfy me. You know, like you don't want to scream about it in the public square.

They prey on you like not wanting to tell people. Yeah. I mean, I didn't even want to tell it right now. But I felt compelled to. You launched right into it. I didn't even want to tell it. You made me. Roll back the tape.

She's like, I was robbed. I was. There are. Because I know many of my friends and have very lucrative careers on OnlyFans. They're very hard workers. They work a lot. They have teams of editors and they have multiple cameras. It's a whole production going on.

Beautiful, well-lit, long scenes. No, no, no. Long scenes with penetration. And if I produced porn, if I was a producer, I would make it perfectly lit. Yeah, of course. A movie. I would make sure people have spray tans, manicures. They would look perfect.

And I would make sure that actors have food, water, everything they need. Trimix, everything they need. Everything they need. And they're stepping in. Yeah, stepping need. Trimix, everything they need. Everything they need. I'd be in there stepping in. Yeah, stepping in. Needle up the ass or whatever. A Zempik, Wengobi, Mondavo, right up the ass. Well, can I tell you what happens?

You know what happens in my porn consumption pattern? I go straight back to Hollywood. I go to Hollywood. All roads lead back to Hollywood and Highland. I go to Bruce Willis in Color of Night because you know what I want? I want acting. I want lighting. I want drama.

I want framing. So you don't want porn. I want filmmaking. Okay. It seems like you want to see Avatar and the Shape of Water and shit. I want boobs, breasts, titties, and weenies and butts, but I want them all. I just want it beautiful. I like good sound.

It matters to me. Absolutely. I want to hear that fucking mucus membrane. Yes. I want to hear that eyeball getting snatched out of the person's yeah and then I want to hear the toes crushing it on the carpet of the trailer I want to hear breath if they're kissing I want to hear like what are we here for

it needs to be ASMR in a way but you know it's the same reason I don't get drunk when I think I'm going to have sex because if I think sex is gonna happen I want it in full color Yeah yeah yeah 4D Muppets 4D Yeah you want it 4K

I've been so horny lately Good for you Is the t-blockers wearing off No I wish I'm ready to go on testosterone Like I obviously missed a few puberties look at me A few puberties I look more like a piece of sperm Stop it stop it Do you have your levels checked because I did that a little puberties. Look at me. A few puberties? I look more like a piece of sperm. Stop it.

Stop it. Do you have your levels checked? Because I did that a little while ago with my doctor. No, because I'm honestly, this is not a joke. I'm not being funny. And everybody is on different journeys. I'm afraid they're going to go. You're a girl.

You're a woman. You don't have any testosterone. Mary, I forgot. You wish. How did you even get a dick? You wish. No, I'm afraid they're gonna be like there's you're you're you're you're not necessarily biologically male which wouldn't be a bad thing

necessarily because i think i'm so gay my levels are probably like um estrogen and testosterone spiking at the same time full blast like i'm running the heater and the air conditioning at the same time like hormonally but ever since i quit drinking i'm horny all the time now i'm horny all the time yeah i think my my chase like before how does that manifest in being horny yeah i get i get boners and i think about sex and i want to have it. Do you know how it manifests? Poor David laying on the couch, like smoking weed, watching TV. Me walking in, laying directly in front of him and blocking the TV this close to his face and smiling. I'm ready to do sex now.

He's in the middle of watching like a movie and he's probably high watching TV. And I come this close to his face and I'm just like I do have I mean I've never been diagnosed I definitely have some communication alternative communication patented seeing themselves as they get older yes my other new thing is it's not new but I realized I do it now I can't stop no one of the big ones is when people say I call call them crispy R's. Once I was like, oh yeah,

can I have a graham cracker? Can I have a crispy cream? That's crunchy. That's great. I'm just a girl. When they say that, crispy, creamy. Who says that?

You. Sarah Michelle Gellar does it. I think it's like a North Atlantic whatever thing. A graham cracker? No, they're like, so she's a really great girl. She's a great, it's a great, it's a a North Atlantic whatever thing. A graham cracker? No, they're like, so she's a really great girl. She's a great, it's a great, it's a creamy, crispy cracker.

I'm telling you people. I've never heard of this before in my life. Now that I've said it, you're going to hear it all the time. Oh, no. And my thing is when someone does it. A creamy, crispy cracker? Yes. When someone does it, I have to repeat it.

What the hell? I have to go. So if you said graham cracker, I would have to go. Graham cracker. I have to say it. I also, anything automated voices, I have to say it i have to go so if you said graham cracker i would have to go graham cracker i have to say it i also anything automated voices i have to say it back like um your call is important when they're like right now scanning your eyes i'm like now scanning your eyes or the other big one is wait oh at the the walk sign is on i can't not say it so then when i'm crosswalking i'm like

walk sign is on i don't know if maybe i should make I'm crosswalking I'm like Walk sign is on I don't Maybe I should make it a song Is that echolalia? Is that echolalia? Look it up A compulsion to like To repeat

What I just heard Yeah yeah Only for certain things Walk Chris Walk She's a really great girl A crispy creamy cracker

She's great She's great Isn't that the vowel sound though? Amy does it A lot of people I know do it And I can't not hear it But is it about the R or the vowel? It's the R It that the vowel sound though? Amy does it. A lot of people I know do it and I can't not hear it. But is it about the R or the vowel? It's the R.

It's the R? Crispy, crunchy, creamy graham cracker. It's like a- That was great. It was a great girl. We need a linguistic, we need like a phonologist or something. A linguistics person in here. My friend Beck and I call it speech pathologist.

And that's not what they're probably officially called. Crispy. It's crispy. I like the chicken because it was crispy. What? That was're probably officially called. Crispy. It's crispy. I like the chicken because it was crispy. What? The accent is killing me. It's killing me.

It's strangling me. It has a chokehold on my psyche. Yeah, I'm going to say I don't like haunted houses and I want you to ask me why. I don't like haunted houses. Why don't you like

haunted houses? They're creepy. Creepy? They're creepy. A creepy, creamy, crispy cracker. Do you see what I mean? I can't not see it. Yes, I see what I mean. I don't like it. Yeah, anything like that. It creepy, creamy, crispy cracker. Do you see what I mean? I can't not see it.

Yes, I see what you mean. I don't like it. Yeah, anything like that. It's, um. Or like, the mall is closing in 15 minutes. I have to say it back. Well, that's different. Gotta say it back.

That's different. Automated, automated voices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, there's something very bizarre and musical about a phrase being repeated over and over again. Every time I get into the an elevator in France Etage trois. Troisième étage. Troisième étage. Quatrième étage. Troisième étage.

Yeah. Doors open. Doors open. Doors open. Doors closing. I say it too. Lobby. Shit like that. 16th floor. Lobby. Premier étage. Lobby. Lobby. Do you know what it takes me back to

French class when we do because you know when you're learning French repeat you think you know French until you do listening exercises and then when you do listening exercises

your brain is like oh right I've learned nothing right it'd be like premier étape listen as Ahmed talks to Thuy about their classes

talk about what classes they have and where they are going. I'm like, I have to say it back. And then it would be like, question deux. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to say it back. I have to say it back. Lobby. Lobby.

Lobby. I do the same thing in Elevator especially. And sometimes when people are inside it too, like I'm making fun of the voice. Yeah. Like it's like, they're not going to get it. It's like they're not they're not gonna get it it's like who's who wins there like yeah i really showed them what does possible sound like for your business it's having the spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit redefine possibleine possible with Business Platinum.

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elevator and there was drunk girls in the lobby. And one of them was getting married and she went up to me and she was like, just drunk. Which the night before her wedding, good for her. But also I'm like, I hope you're not hungover tomorrow. Hungover on a wedding day in a dress? And she's like, you're not Trixie. And I was like, yes I am. She's like,

you're not. I was like, yes I am. And then she's like, you're not. And then her friend is like, if you are, she's obsessed with you. Are you?'s like you're not and then her friend is like if you are she's obsessed with you are you and i said yeah and her friend's like you're not and i was like okay i'm not so then they follow me in the elevator and they're blotto they have wine in the hand oh god and i'm riding up to the 11th floor to my room and they're getting off on my floor and just like walking and talking and i was like they're like do you want to go out i was like i can't i'm gonna go get out of drag and they're like we can wait for you and i was like no you

were in drag yeah i was Yeah, I was in drag. I was in drag. And then her. No, my name is Landon. I'm quitting drag soon. Yeah. And then her friend was like, she can go with you. It's fine. I'll find my.

I was like, take your friend. Take your drunk bride to be friend. Get your wedding. Don't let her follow into the night. No. The night before your wedding. The night before your nuptials, you're going to follow drag queens into the night. I don't think so follow into the night you don't the night before your wedding night before your nuptials you're gonna follow drag queens into the night i don't think so because you're not coming back because if we're going to a bar i'm sucking cock yeah i'm not there

for the alcohol anymore she's filming it with perfect sound and lighting hello when i say i'm going to the bar i'm really going for the behind the bar okay i'm going to make mild on eye contact with someone and it's horny horny people who have when you cut out drinking they become hornier horny all the time now it's like i have to have sex every day that's what i'm saying it's really annoying it's a lot just once not every day but like i'm horny a lot i think that is perfectly natural for a um a healthy adult um male of your body type. I mean, it's better for me than drinking. Well, anything is better than drinking.

I know. Mostly, you know, drinking is a very bad thing. I love drinking. I'm already planning my first drink when I come back and I will be back. You're going to hit the ground running. I'll be back. I really want a fresh mojito with ground up mint.

I think you know, you mentioned a drink on the something the other day. I don't know what it was. And you're like, like a flaming. It's like a very fancy, crazy drink. Like a flaming, like a drink that's really difficult for the bartender to make. What's the most complicated drink you can think of that would be the most annoying to order? Anything blended. Oh, okay. Margaritas, ice cream drinks think of that would be the most annoying to order? Anything blended.

Oh, okay. Margaritas, ice cream drinks. Most bars will be like, we're just not doing that. We don't do blended margaritas. It isn't an Orange Julius. I wouldn't expect a bar to have a blender, period. Well, if you're like a Mexican restaurant.

Everybody wants a margarita. Yeah, and they usually want them blended because most places don't do it. So when you're somewhere that does do it, you want to partake. And most of those places have margarita machines oh so it's like a soda fountain it's pre-blend it's a soda fountain yeah okay and then they're just adding booze yeah delicious i love margaritas that's tequila or rum it's tequila tequila is made from agave and it's the only alcohol that's a stimulant so like if you are a little jet lagged or something like a half

shot of tequila. Like, you know, when you have to go somewhere and then you have, you land and you have to like go to dinner. No, I've never been invited, but I can understand the concept.

Well, tomorrow you and I have to go to something. What are we going to? I don't know, but there better be tequila. But I'm going because you said we're going. I didn't say anything.

I said we're going somewhere. I'm sorry. Do you have me confused for someone else? Aren't we going to Amy Poehler's thing tomorrow? We're going to have dinner with amy poehler tomorrow yeah we are because i said so we're going to dinner with amy poehler tomorrow yeah that's what i thought the energy of being called a liar on my own podcast by my guest guest guest guest guest

i i have to go i have to go. I have to go. Your next guest is waiting. The next guest is waiting. And we're back. If I died, who would you want to step into the Bald and the Beautiful? It's got to be a bald person or someone willing to shave their head. Absolutely no one. No one.

No, for real. Natalie Portman. Well, it would be... No, I know. It would be a rotating cast of actresses who have to shave their head for a role. That's a great idea, actually. Wouldn't that be incredible? Yes. Demi.

Anybody, everybody we'd go like we do AI. We'd go back. Cause we would run out. We wouldn't be able to, uh, you know, doc that many episodes.

Cause there's not that many, you know, it takes a long time. So we'd go back with footage, Demi Moore and G.I. Jane would AI the mouth and everything, but we'd use her. Like I'd interview her with that,

um, with the, the visual of her, you know what I mean? Like from press junkets, like we'd use her like i'd interview her with that um with the the visual of her you know i mean like from press junkets like we'd use that footage so she's not really here no she's not really here but she is her voice is really here yes it'd be like a cgi james cameron avatar kind of thing very high budget you would be very impressed and jealous yeah like did you ever see tron yeah and when And when they showed the dad young. Yes. It's exactly that type of thing. How do they do that? Frame by frame? They do.

Yeah. The de-aging thing. And I was looking on Twitter about a whole, like a list of things where the best one was. And I think it was Tron. They got us. Blade Runner? Maybe.

Blade Runner too? I guess I think it is that. They did Blade Runner. They got us together on Queen of the Universe this season. I look good. You look great. I don't look that good. What do you mean?

The filter at the judges table, we are definitely. I'm in the RuPaul zone now. One would hope. With the blending. And I'm a good makeup artist, I think, but I'm watching it. I'm like, I'm not that good. It's really good. That's nice.

Let me tell you about the human face and things that you could put on it. It's never perfect. No. I could go out there. My dream would be to go out with no makeup and just know that it's going to be he hung in post oh well they'll just put you like that little nas um billboard they'll just put you in front of an outfit girl i'm sorry i'm not a whistleblower no i love vitamin water i love vitamin water and i love lil nas x me too but I don't think he's in that picture. No, his face is.

There's a billboard of him that I'm like, you didn't have that wig on. That is not your body. And you are not holding that drink, which is fine. Because there's no truth in advertising. Talk about mascara commercials. As if a photo shoot is based in honesty. Like who cares? Right.

Especially like advertising photos or videos. I mean, I remember when I was, like, eight years old and I found out that milk in cereal commercials is like glue. Elmer's glue.

I couldn't believe it. Imagine if you could go to a food stylist who just ruins shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make good-looking food, you can't... Like, menu photography?

That ain't real food. Because you know, you go to the Thai restaurants where they do use real photos and it looks like whodunit and ran. Of course, it tastes delicious when it comes to the table. Because you know, you go to the Thai restaurants where they do use real photos and it looks like whodunit ran. Of course, it tastes delicious when it comes to the table. Do you like picture menus?

I don't actually because. I like to kind of know what the food's going to look like. Like at an Applebee's menu and they have a picture of the burger. I'm like, great. Love it. I don't trust it. You don't trust it? No, I don't trust it.

I guess you're right. What's the point of a picture? Because it's not going to look like that. Just tell me what's in there. I trust the words, the ingredients for sure. Of course, they always lie to you when you're white and they say it's spicy. I had an invite last week to go to the White House for like a luncheon thing. Oh, that's right.

And I didn't go. Dr. JB. And I would love to go to the White House. I've never been. I feel like everybody's gone to the White House on a school field trip except me.'ve never gone i didn't go i didn't go i bet it's amazing i mean whether whether or not to be in the white house yeah whether or not you care about politics i bet seeing the white house is cool right of course i've never even seen it in person i've been to dc never seen it what have you done in dc just gigs i've done town a few times and shows with you

the lincoln. They are conditioning. Get on up. It's sickening. Lincoln Theater. Oh my God. The Lincoln Theater should be the president of the United States. 100%. Whoever's running the AC

at the Lincoln Theater, that's your chief of staff. Get on up. And I'm not being funny. I'm not being funny. But the Lincoln Theater. Oh. Yes. Extra, extra. The lincoln theater what about it i mean he wasn't

that's not he was shot at the ford theater wasn't he but he's lincoln oh so you think we're all gonna get shot we go to i don't know it's just crazy i'm also not gonna get in the jane mansfield prius do you know what i mean like it's a weird thing to associate celebrities with the thing that killed them. The Hindenburg. Yeah. The Hindenburg. Or like, here's the Chevrolet Titanic. Yeah.

There's a reason why they don't sell Trim Spa anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's just, it's like, you know. How come heroin's still around? I just think if you're a celebrity and you die in a certain way, in a certain place. Right. It's in bad taste. It's also bizarre strategic marketing.

Yeah. The Lincoln Theater. But perhaps it existed long before his death. I doubt that. That is possible. I don't know about that. Look it up. Control room.

You know what? It could have been named after another Lincoln. Thank you. There's a giant bust of him in there. Yeah, but maybe that was his brother, Fred. Twin brother. A lot of people don't know that. Fred Lincoln?

Yeah. Mary Todd had a twin sister too, Mary Rosemary. Do you think Abraham Lincoln was gay? Yes, he was. I've heard that. Yeah. I think everyone was gay. Well, I think, yes, I think so too.

I think so. Well, I think in the future we're all going to look back and we're going to be like, people used to say they were Gay or straight I hope so it's such a stupid thing to be Like I need everyone to know that I Only like girls Why do we need everyone to know

Who we fuck I think in the future We will all assume that any of us could Fall in love with any of us and that's it It won't be interesting what What a what a A hopeful utopian fantasy. It'll be like, oh, I just, you know,

I'm assuming there will always be more straight people. You know, and I'm assuming we'll all be like, oh, I didn't know he liked other men or something, but it's not going to be,

I think in the future coming out day will be like a relic. All of that. I think also in the future we'll be more worried about like fresh water rather than like sexual orientation. I think also in the future we'll be more worried about like fresh water rather than like

sexual orientation. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or like, oh, you're a fag. Well, we are going to have to send you to Mars. Not because you're gay

because we have no water. Mars has more water than us. Mars and Venus. Mars and Venus. Men are from Mars. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Men and women.

Hey, can you wrap your head around that? Here's the difference between men and women. I would love, we should do a whole special. Men have big fucking schlongs that hang out of their crutches. And women's have holes that they put those fucking schlongs in. What the fuck? And it's like ladies, after a long day, you want to, are you kidding me? When you bleed on the office floor and your boss fires you, but then you realize she's a woman.

So you touch her pussy. Like, I don't know. I do feel in comedy, like, you know, I'm going to say like marketable comedy. I do think women get forced into either being the unfuckable pig or the slut. Right. Those are the two. And sometimes the gorgeous slut is forced to masquerade as an unfuckable pig yeah or vice versa yeah yeah um and i think that has more to do with what average people are willing

to accept from a woman on stage they're like you either have to be the ugly friend or the hot slut there is no middle i'm going to tell you about something in the middle and i told i talked about last time and i'm talking about it again if for you it's going to be very boring because you didn't see it but i'm going to fucking reiterate that jacqueline novak's show get on your knees was all about sex and about her about giving a blow job and about the male and female anatomy and all this stuff but it was like it was the smartest funniest uh most incredible like erudite what does that mean like learned books like i mean this woman is so smart. She's so funny.

And she's, it's so, it's just so, it was so dazzling. I've never seen anything like it. Fearless. It was like also very home. Like she's been doing it for a while,

many years. And I think she's going to tape it soon. You have to watch it. It blew, it literally blew my hair off and then my scalp off and I was bleeding all over the floor. But it's, maybe I can go to the taping. It's in New York.

I think it's happening like right now. I was so fierce at Largo. Anyways, but she's, it wasn't like, yeah. Uh-huh. But that's what I would have wanted. 3, 2, 1, 0. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy. And when the buzzer sounds, you deserve a Coke Zero Sugar.

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So you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at YMCAGTA.org. This will be the day. Girl, you know what I can't stop thinking about?

What? That gig at Penn State. I can't stop thinking about it. Let me ask you though, as a little black girl from the Brewster Project, how did you get the courage to come in here today and look so white? I guess I'm just going to tell the short version of it is okay so that the listeners know. Yeah, yeah. Because it happened at the Plaza the other night. Yes.

Okay. Bizarrely. Yes. I was doing a gig. Oh, God. You got a hip replacement. So I went to perform at Penn State University. She took my horrible gig.

By the way, thank fucking God. Oh, it was such a fun gig. Everybody was so nice. The students were lovely. But any college gig, it's at 7 p.m it's sober no it's carpeted flooring it's awkward right you know it's awkward um and it's me and jujube so me and jujube are kicking it i haven't seen her since queen of the universe when i eliminated her so it's like nice tension backstage um nice nice simmering yeah yeah yeah yeah um and

she was probably there because she thought she'd be booked with you, her old friend. And she said, I show up, the last person to disrespect her on television. Different vibe. And I show up. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to open the show. And I actually bring on Jujubee. So I'm going to go out and open it. And they go, hey, do you want a song to walk out to? And I said, well, what does the stage look like?

And they said, it's a long runway. I said, oh, perfect. I'll walk out and do like a slutty little walk. And they'll cheer. And I said, just put on Supermodel by RuPaul. everyone loves that song the audience will love it the audience is like 19 years old they're gonna love it yeah and i thought i'm gonna turn the corner and be like you better work i thought girl yeah i forgot how that song starts there's a lengthy intro there's a lengthy intro that i wouldn't say just goes with the narrative i was trying to present. No. Or describes the person or persona that you've created in any way, shape, or form.

In any way. In fact. So what I wanted was to promote this RuPaul song, promote drag, be fierce. And if you play a RuPaul song, the audience feels like, oh, I know RuPaul. We all know this. We're in that universe now. Start the show on a good note. I forget how it really starts, which is it's a college show.

So they're sober. So when the lights go down, they get silent. They're listening. They're ready. The track starts. The straight guy with his MacBook goes, hits it. And I'm standing backstage and I'm with the microphone like this. And the music, I forget how the song really starts, which is, should I just play it?

Absolutely. I'm just going to play it. You have to. I'm just going to play it. Once upon a time, there was a little black girl from the Brewster Projects. This is how it really Absolutely. I'm just going to play it. You have to. I'm just going to play it. Once upon a time, there was a little black girl from the Brewster Projects. Okay, this is how it really started. So imagine a bunch of 18-year-old sober college

kids. Give it up for your host this evening, Trixie Mattel. Once upon a time, there was a little black girl in the Brewster Projects of Detroit, Michigan. At 15, she was spotted by an Ebony Fashion Fair talent scout and her modeling career took off.

You better work. So then I'm backstage and I'm going, oh my God. And I love this song. So I can't believe I forgot how it really starts. And Jujubee's looking at me and she mouthed the words, little black. And I'm just like mortified. I'm like, this is so stupid.

It's a great song, but oh my God, I forgot the beginning. So then I just walk out and hopefully they barely listened and they were, hopefully they pregame so hard as college kids that they were blackout. Cause I walked out and was just like. It reminds me of the Arsenio Hall, like way back in the day when he came out for his monologue one day,

he was like, I'm like, hello everybody, please don't adjust your television screens. I'm black. Damn. Love that.

Now I didn't say that. Yeah, maybe. You should have been like no no no no no your eyes are not deceiving you penn state uh but i'm like you know what let's pick this black queer artist who's the mother of all drag let's put that let's start the show on the right note and then that play a little black it sounds like fucking maya angelou or aretha franklin or something i think it's martha wash of course it is. There you go. Crazy. That is so crazy. Little black girl from the Brewster Projects in Detroit, Michigan.

I just, that's not how I would describe myself personally. I would go. Once upon a time, there was a little white girl from a trailer. Yeah. A little legib way. Who was not scouted by a model scout and never will be. That's how I would describe myself. So anyway, that was humiliating. A boy scout from an Ojibwe trailer.

And I came to see you at Plaza three nights ago. And Supermodel played and the memory that I had buried reanimated. Because they tried to do the same thing. They tried to play Supermodel. So they tried to do a runway walk. They tried to play a supermodel. So they tried to do a runway walk. They queued up a runway track. And then the intro played. And I do not believe that that was intended at all.

I could be wrong about that. But I was like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I don't think that was relevant in any way, shape, or form to the characters in that particular show as well. I'm not going to lie to you. That was my favorite cabaret they've done. Oh, really? You loved it?

Yes! It was very funny. Andrew, I mean, do you want to set up what it is? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, and also, I'm not going to pat myself on the back. You were great. But I will say that I do deserve the Medal of Freedom, a Lifetime Achievement Award,

and I am prepping my speech for a Kennedy Center Honors. Because not only was that my first time back in drag in a while, I did all day. And then I went home, shaved, reshaved and remake up to do that show. Yeah, I'll hold for applause. I will hold for applause. A standing O would be preferable. That is. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is really crazy for you. Every single second after I... Because we got home from O at like four. Yeah, yeah. And I was like... Kind of early.

And we get to the studio and I'm looking at Eden and I'm like... I'm staring down the barrel of four hours. Four hours with nothing to do in drag. With nothing to do. See, if I were you... My face was not good. Third time the third um you weren't having a good makeup day no skin was horrible it looked horrible horrible what do you think was going on there well it was uh the the i think that my little nose thing was horrible i think it was

exacerbated by that day mostly but it was just thick beard. I like it. I keep saying it. I have six hour window in drag period. Do you want electrolysis? No, no, I don't. Because I know so many people who have had that. It's, it's, it's a long, expensive, painful procedure that doesn't necessarily bear fruit. And I also like having a beard when I'm not in drag. I know this might come as a shock to you, but I do enjoy being perceived as a man. And you do have a lot of time out of drag.

Thank you. A lot of time. A lot of time. But wait, wait, wait. So. I know we're about to film that TV show again. You're going to be in hog heaven because I'm going to be doing something else for a month. Oh, thank you.

Remember when I go to Queen of the Universe and you just fuck around for a month every year? Oh, my God. When the cat is away, the mouse will play. Oh, I forgot. Ooh, there ain't no way. Girl, whenever I come back from a thing on my own you are like encino man cast away like a beard frozen in ice i was like wait wait so so we do we do on all day third um third shoot i was like over it over it get home it was hard i'm like okay so

i'm like i could keep this face on and i look in the mirror and I'm like, oh, this face shouldn't even be on right now. Right. Nevermind. Keep it on. It's like, you know, when a leather face puts on that, um, the woman mask, the woman mask, it looked worse than that. So I had to go home.

I took a nap and waking up from that nap was like, it was, it was like, you know how people like, did you have to take your foundation off? I had to completely de-drag. You, you got in drag twice. I got in drag. I'm trying to tell you. You didn't just do like the eyes down? Oh, no.

This was still bad too. Everything was bad. Everything was bad. Because all the eyeliner was muddy and running. The lashes were like a little droopy. Everything needed a refresh. Everything. The brows were jacked.

There was no makeup on the forehead anymore. It was so horrible. Yeah. And then I had to take a soaking hot rag or face cloth and moisten my face before I shaved it twice. Because it was Freddy Krueger. Raw. It was raw. It was Freddy Krueger.

It was hamburger meat. It's like a horror movie. When you're shaving and blood is appearing and you're like blood and you're like because I gotta go I'm like it's too smooth to do it's too like um short about shaving every day no matter what that's actually worse but don't you think your skin if you do it every day we'll get used to it no that's what happens with that is that it grows faster so say for example no I'm you. So if I don't do drag for three days on the fourth day

and I don't shave for three days on the fourth day, I'll get the smoothest, longest lasting shave. Oh, because the skin is like... Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. But if I shave every single day,

it grows back faster, grows back faster. That's why five days in drag, it's not happening in a row. Well, when you're shaving hair, you also are accidentally shaving a layer of skin yeah that's why they say men tend to age slower in this region because if they shave their whole life

you're exfoliating every day your whole life you're basically micro like in beauty videos they're microplaning their skin with like a razor that's what shaving is okay so it's actually weirdly good for your skin but not when you immediately expose the pore and pack makeup and pack in dirty brushes and all kinds of debris and nonsense and drama and conforma. But anyway, so then I don't do dirty brushes. Oh,

I know. I know I do. I'm disgusting, but it's fine. I, I, my body is a fucking reservoir of shell. No,

no. Eden washes them now. Oh, that's what I mean. Yeah. They know they get washed now, but like, if it was up to me,

no, if it was up to me, but I drove in drag for the first time, hated it was up to me You don't do dirty brushes anymore No if it was up to me But I drove in drag For the first time Hated it Hated it You were driving in drag I drove myself to the gig

Cause I'm not paying overtime For Miss Miss Miss Pink Little girl Oh for like an Uber No like It would have been

It would have been 60 bucks For like an Uber Black I had to go to the gig By myself At night I could not believe I made it 10 minutes to spare though I arrived The show was at 9 I arrived at. 10 minutes to spare though. I arrived,

the show was at nine, I arrived at 8.50. That's about when I arrived. In my car. I must have arrived right after. Oh my God. I walked into the dressing room just to say hi to everyone

and I don't super know everyone there, but everybody knows me through you and Andrew. So I just always like to pop back and say like, have a good show. And I love the applause and I love the scene.

I've seen like the last four of those in a row and love them. Did you see me crouch on the floor? Yeah, I saw seen like the last four of those in a row I love that. Did you see me crouched on the floor? Yeah, so you were inches from the fan of a fan and Andrew goes we got our fan. She's good I said well, why don't you get her some formaldehyde? That's what I said to him Because you were crouched there was your way God just blowing in a fan and I told her but you were like this so you were like this and I walked in and you had the fan right here and you were like

Because so it's like the situation was I was, I was expecting, like, first of all, I couldn't believe that I actually showed up. And so I showed up and I'm, and I'm like, okay, I'm here.

Now what? I was like, now what? I put on the hottest outfit I have. Very hot. Hottest outfit I have do a fun song. And I've never done, but before that,

there's no room in the dressing room. None. None. It's about the size of the studio and there's 15, 10 people. Yeah. And there's all people who are like, don't do drag. They're just performing. Um, and there's plenty, it's chock full of stuff. And I, my brain quickly went into, you know what, if this isn't fun, that's a level of absurdity. I'm not willing to deal with. Do you know what I mean? If this isn't fun, I'm not willing to complain or be crazy. Because that's so absurd, I'm not going to live that life. Because if we're not here for fans, if we're not here for money, you've got to personally have fun. When I've DJed Fat Slut or something like that, and I'm like, I don't even know what they're paying me.

Probably whatever, $500. I don't know. I don't know. And I'm like, I just want to feel it. But in order for me to have fun, I have to feel i look good right and that's part of it if i have to have fun i have to think i look great i know that's what so that was what i was struggling with i felt like i was sweating so much i look in the mirror wasn't that bad i just looked like a 40 year old woman that's what i looked like because i had a little bit of makeup on. Yes. Naomi Watts put on a like, she's on a cycle.

Naomi Watts and Connie and Carla. Toni Collette is what I look like. I look like Toni Collette. But nobody knew I was a surprise like pop-up thing, no advertisement. And I didn't expect to be paid. Then I go out and do a number that is so weird and nobody knows the song. And I can tell that people were like shocked to realize it was me, but also so confused by what was happening.

It actually was. Can I expound on that? I was in the audience. I was at the scene of the crime and plaza is funny. Cause even if you want to drink, it's a quick 45 minute drink and it's a, it's a cash only. It's a very cash only situation.

It really gave shocks. It took me, it actually was time travel. I was sitting there watching you lip sync. I like it better than shocks. It was nice. The lighting was good. And I'm sitting there watching you lip sync. And I was actually going like, this is weird.

Like it's like a time warp to. It was weird. A drag time warp. Yeah, because I wasn't. That was your life many nights a week. I wasn't announced. Nobody knew who I was. It was like, and I was, I got the same amount of nerves going on to the stage because it was the same behind the curtain.

It was the very same similar situation where it's like, these could all be bachelorettes. Some of them even were, or were women who were acting like bachelorettes. Yeah. And, but I got to say say since i quit smoking i was able my cardiovascular fitness has noticeably improved oh yeah it's crazy oh yeah it's crazy you can breathe you can breathe and i'm horny now um nobody i was like at the end of the change yeah well they dropped a house on me and andrew like, cause there was a theme, like a wizard of Oz type of Judy Garland type of thing going on. Yes. I get a house dropped on me and he's like, can you stay under the house on stage for the whole first part? And I was like,

I was like, probably not. Cause I'm just thinking ahead. Like I'll probably be so, no, no. I was probably so hot and sweaty that I'll be like hyperventilating under the thing. So I was the trooper. i tried to stay under there like legs out with the with the cardboard house on me until i started to feel the tap tap tap of the reaper's touch and i was like i need to get the fuck out of here so i slithered slithered away on my back like shimmy shimmy shoulder yeah and then i slid down the stairs into the dressing room i saw that you slid down the stairs slid down the stairs. I slid down the stairs like a fucking, like a worm or like a piece of furniture

that's too heavy. Yeah. You slid down the stairs. Movers. College age movers. But then I was done with my responsibilities for the evening

and I felt so free. I thought you'd immediately leave. You went to the bar. I went to the bar and I always got to see a bunch of friends because I love that crowd. I love that crowd

because it's not- The best crowd in LA. Best crowd in LA. No one's a fan of you or me. that crowd. I love that crowd because it's not the best crowd in LA. Best crowd in LA. No one's a fan of you or me. No. It's gay guys and porn people.

And my hot neighbor, my hot neighbor who I haven't met yet, but I've been in communication with. I mean, it's probably a friend thing. He's so hot and he's my age.

I just need a neighbor like friend. State Farm is there. Well, cause Orville and I have been chatting. You guys are neighbors well no very close yeah not very close this guy and i are very close we're close-ish like we're

down the street yeah orville i think britney lives over there too britney murphy oh britney bro i thought you said britney spears yeah my friend britney did you think if i knew britney spears i would have brought it up at some point in the last eight years i don't know what if you didn't surprise me what if one day you were like i was like my sister got married and you're like who and i was like britney spears my sister have i never mentioned that what if i just one day was like oh yeah no me britney and jamie lynn we're triplets they're not even the same age that's why your levels were off you're no but my other level being off is my other level of being off with my horniness is um i've also let's say trimmed up a little bit and so uh i think everyone's trying to fuck me

that might not be true well but that has nothing to do with me have you told the story about the woman downstairs yet on the pod yet have you downstairs yeah you lost a lot of weight very sexy oh there's a woman on my in my wait let's save it for next let's leave on the cliffhanger okay no i have one more story i have one more story about the the thing though okay oh the plaza the plaza okay the plaza it's a great show and no one and i've had a blast every time yeah every time it gets better and better yeah the audience is amazing it's like artsy gay guys who are there to clap and scream. It's so fun. So fun. And the most beautiful porn people ever seen in their life. Was that?

Absolutely. It was. So beautiful. It's crazy. All of them are beautiful. And it's like really baggy, muscly guys who put on glitter and costumes and act foolish. Fools. And I'm way more attracted to perfectly hot people acting like idiots.

Absolutely. It's way, the Jesus, not the jesus the uh he's played jesus before always giving comedy but still amazing physique i love that like carved out of marble yeah but he always is playing something like kind of stupid yeah which is so fun the lana del rey mermaid you know so funny yes and there's a really hot guy who i've seen like three times at your gig and i hope they're not listening to this but the um who is it I don't care whatever he's dentist do you know what I'm talking about oh Dr. Wagner yes yeah yeah yeah and you know I know I whether or not people are trying to fuck me that has nothing to do with me anymore so I I'm playing it I'm playing it out my own way well if so

and associates are listening to this um no I was was a human rights violation. He comes up and talks to me like a nice person. And he was like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And I think I panicked and immediately tried to find common ground. So he starts talking to me and I go, yeah, I got veneers. And they were $2,600 a tooth. And I just go. And he's like, it's really cool, freak. But I think it's because the last time I saw him,

I don't even know if he heard me, but I said, do I have to become a patient to get you my mouth? Which is a little forward, but you know. Holy shit. At the plaza though, at the plaza that's comedy. Anything goes at the plaza. At the plaza. And I always start talking to him about Dr. Sun, my dentist.

Like it's a colleague of his. And he's like, yeah, I think I've heard of her practice over on and i was like yeah dohini she's amazing he's like okay you should have lunch with her i'll schedule it tomorrow for you i know just in any way you know but you know what i the you know the real tragedy is that i'm out of their network now they don't take my dental insurance anymore it's a rat dr wagner yeah panar wagner they don't take my fucking delta dental delta dental why don't you suck my ass? I'm going to stop putting out then. Yeah, you won't fuck them until Delta Dental comes through.

I refuse to fuck people at that office until they give her some free crowns. Thank you. No, I just want a free cleaning, not a crown. Free cleaning. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.