The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - "If I'm Not Laughing, I'm Having Fun" with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

As trees across the nation cease the production of chlorophyll and we celebrate the slow, agonizing death of leaves, let us pause for a moment and reflect on the little things we mistakenly deem important in our tiny, inconsequential, ultimately meaningless lives: random voicemails from 2019, Wife Swap marathons, and the image of Lady Gaga eating a cannoli whilst dripping mascarpone all over her Oscar statue. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Something you need to know about me is. There's nothing I need to know about you that I don't already know. If I'm not laughing, I'm having fun. Right?

If I'm not laughing, I'm having fun. That makes no sense. Nothing gets me more excited than a little barbecue, a little grill out. I love a grill out and a chill out. And sometimes I spill out. Quality time with the girls, food, fun, friendship, and a little bit of fellowship. And a little bit of fellatio.

Yeah. Fellatio Rodriguez was someone I went to high school with. Fellatio? Fellatio. No. Yeah. You know, Horatio. Fellatio.

You called them Fellatio because their name was Horatio? No, no, no. That was their government name, Fellatio. You're lying. We called him Horatio because we felt so bad. He didn't know. He was so stupid. Damn.

Tell me the first and last name of three people you went to high school with. Yeah, sure. A gun to your head, you're already dead. Well, there's just so many. Just give me three. Jenny B***. Jenny B***. Megan D***.

Megan D***. And? Rachel M***. Mary F*** Kill. All those. Oh, my God. This has turned so dark. But fuck kill all those. Oh my God. This has turned so dark, but they're all women.

Yeah. They're all. Do you want men? Not necessarily. I don't want to do this. Do you know what I did the other night when I was in the hospital? And the hospital. So it was October 31st.

And here I am in the hospital by myself. You were in the hospital on Halloween by myself. Yes. You were in the hospital on Halloween night? By myself, yes. You were in the hospital on Halloween night like Jamie Lee Curtis? Like Jamie Lee Curtis. You were in the hospital on Halloween night. Did you hear anybody chant evil dies tonight?

No. Because that was probably about you. You were in the hospital on Halloween night. And there was nothing to do except watch TV and it was all Halloween movies on. So I'm up at like 5 a.m.

eating hospital pudding watching The Exorcist, Mama. So get into this tea. Get into this tea. The Molly hits, right? The pain medicine hits. The ibuprofen hits.

They come in and give me the injectable oxy, right? Or whatever. And the Molly hits and I go, I wonder what these freaks in my high school are doing. What do I do? I go to Wasaki High School's website. I go to the staff page and I one by one look at every person who works at the school.

I'm looking for teachers I had. You're making a killed list. Not necessarily a kill list, but like, oh, wow. The person who is the head of special, a special needs instruction is now the principal. Oh wow. Okay. Oh wow. Carrie Hart. So I went to high school with now teaches science in the science room that we took science together. She and I dissected a frog together and now she teaches kids there. Crazy. And then I was like, oh wow, this girl's a lunch lady. We went to high school together. Like so many people went to high school with work at the high school and it made me think what is it like to

work at a high school when you went to that high school go well I'll tell you I something not quite that but very similar in fact more interesting um more interesting than me scrolling my high school's website on oxycontin pudding um sugar-free pudding dripping from your like gaping maw and your like codeine-fueled haze at 5 a.m. on Halloween. On Halloween in a hospital alone. Alone. How about this? Remember that scene from The Exorcist, a sequel where it's this long shot of the hospital hallway and all of a sudden that figure comes out with the hedge clippers and beheads the woman. Wait, Halloween 2?

No, no, no. This is Exorcist sequel. Oh, I've never seen that. I've never seen it either. But I saw the clip on YouTube and it sure is frightening. I've never seen it. But Jamie Lee Kurnis was right in that hospital. Kermis? Janie Lee Kurnis was in that hospital. Janie Lee Kermis. Janie Lee Kurnis was in...

Janie... Jennifer... She. Janie Lee Curtis was in. Janie me. Jennifer. She was just sitting in that hospital gurney. She was in the gurney. Janie Lee Kermis was in the gurney. Why is that so? Janie Lee Kermis was in the greenie. That would terrify me. If people could see the veins in your head.

It's a topographical map of the Bahamas. These two on the side. Phones sticking out. The vascularity is on the side. It's good to see them because it means you're alive. Things are flowing. Things are flowing. Yeah, we got flow.

My grandpa used to have a fake ticker, pacemaker, whatever. It was a fake valve. It was mechanical. Oh, yeah. And you could hear it ticking. Like a grandfather clock. Yeah. And sometimes I'd be like, God, it's loud.

He'd be like, well, I'm happy you're hearing it. I'd be like, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, a broken clock is right two times a day. Hey, we're back. Oh, we're back. We're back on the pod. Let's take some voicemails.

Okay, yeah. What do you got? Okay, let's see. Let's take some voicemails. Hold on. I love the idea of us getting voicemails, but it's just personal voicemails. I love it. That's from Lady Bunny.

Five second voicemail. Let me play that again. Five second voicemail. This is from October 22nd. You know, people say I'm becoming her. Until you hear that and you realize I'm not her and I'm not close. Mama, you're not close. When you call me from Iceland, high on edibles, doing improv Sondheim, that's when I'll know.

Janie Lee Kermis. Janie Lee Kermis was up in that gurney in the hospital let me tell you this though what about this I'll try to one up you okay Ms. Mattel

it's Coco Peru and I just got off the phone with another old hag by the name of Peaches Christ who told me that you were both tackling over the fact that

I well apparently asked you if that was your phone number when I had the phone number already. And that I never asked you that. Because I did my research before I even called you. I looked up the original tweet and I thought it was your real number. And I said, holy shit, I better call her. This is why you get yourself in trouble, young lady.

Anyway, I love you and I hope you're doing well, even though you're an evil cunt. Bye, sweetie. I forget what it was. It was something where I think she texted me is this your number or something and I was like, you have it. It was something confusing like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to see if I have another one. Let's take some more voicemails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One second. Let's see. Let's see. I got one from Janie Lee Kermis right here. Oh, perfect.

Play it. No, I don't. No, hold on. Hold on. By the way, I love that we're just playing people's voicemails. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What do I got from you? I got Mrs. Kasha Davis. Hold on. There's probably some, this is probably going to all be just like moaning. Now, what about this? Hold on. Who would play her? Hello? Hello?

Hello, hi. Hello. Good evening. Hi. I wanted to test out A pickup line on you Hello Are you an ace bandit

Cause I just Sprained my ass Who is that That's you! No, it's not. Is it real? I am so... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Guys, that's you! That's you! What is that from? 2012? Hello? 2012? Hello. This is you. Hello. Hi.

Hello. Sounds like a woman. Sounds like a woman. You sound female. It sounds like a woman, mama. Hi. I wanted to test out a pickup line on you. Hello.

Hello. Are you an ace bandage? Because I just sprained my ass. Ah! Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next-level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself?

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It's a very homophobic commercial, old-timey commercial for an island. I think I'm Lady Bunny. You are. I think I'm Lady Bunny. You are. People think I'm on my way to Lady Bunny. Maybe visually. Visually and everything else, you know, talent wise, all that stuff, you know, on the stage. But when it comes to Austin...

Same sex life. Exact same sex life. I think I probably have repeated this story, but why not just go for a fifth or sixth round? Did I tell you that she was... One of the things I admired the most about her was that I came across her Craigslist ad one night, back in Boston.

This was way before Drag Race. And it was so well-written. And it was so, it was literally like if you had the Funkin' Wagner, not the Funkin' Wagner, like the style book. What do you call that? The Town and Country? The Humdinger and the, what do you call that?

The Neiman Marcus. I really don't know what you're trying to say. The JCPenney. It's the handbook for like style, the MLA, like how to write well. Oh, the MLA format. Yes. Yes. If there was Craigslist ad, this is hers was so ideal. It was so well written, but so to the point, but not over like all the information was there. It was, it was a times new Roman equivalent of like calligraphy. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It was like a wedding invitation. It was, yes,

but it was like, it was efficient. It was informative. It was a little funny and it was like inviting and it was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Because you know how Craigslist ads are like all misspelled, no, you know, because it's like one greasy hand is just like typing it. That's what I would, well, I would imagine that the girls have a good ad

and imagine the guys, because I've had, you know, Grindr, you can, I hate to say it, you can tell everything about someone based on their profile sometimes. The way it's written, it's like all caps. There's a lot of information there. Or there's no punctuation. Everything's lowercase.

You're like, okay. Tweakers, you can spot a mile away. Oh, easy. They might as well be just in a picture holding. Yeah, a crack pipe and a torch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can spot a mile away. Oh, easy. They might as well be just in a picture holding. Yeah. A crack pipe and a torch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can kind of tell a lot. But this was like, but just in terms of like, this is what I want.

This is what I'm willing to do. This is what I have to offer. And this is what I require of you and where and when. Everything was there, laid out, not one extra word. You know, on Craigslist, sometimes you get paragraphs. It kind of predates me. Me and my boyfriend in college used to get three ways on Craigslist, sometimes you get paragraphs. It kind of predates me. Me and my boyfriend in college used to get three ways on Craigslist. Okay. But I'm sure that's

really different from the... I think at the time, they would have called it M to... Oh, M for M. What was men looking for crossdressers called? M for T. It's not exactly the terminology we use today, but at the time.

No, but trans. Yeah. Yeah. Or trans at the time. Trans, that means transsexual, transvestite, trans, whatever. It was all inclusive. And she was very, she was also very descriptive and specific in her language of what she was, but not degrading herself and also not overselling it.

Yeah. I wish I had it. Well, do you remember you and, I don't want to tell people's stories, but you and I were at dinner with Jackie Beat. Bunny. Sherry. And Sherry. Yeah. I wish I had it. Well, do you remember you and, I don't want to tell people stories, but you and I were at dinner with Jackie Beat. Bunny. Sherry. And Sherry. Yeah.

And remember Sherry said that she described herself on the Craigslist. I think she said like a cougar type. Because she is. But that's perfect. Cougar. That's a great way to say. Yeah. Older woman.

My face looks used. Yeah. Without saying that. Like you tied it to an exhaust pipe. Like I was dragged around the block face down for three days. It's a great way to say, my face looks like an ant farm and my hair is Lady Clairol. It's a great way of not including the poster for Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Because some people don't look old.

Well, also the lighting. Like I told you, the candle. Mama. The flickering candle. Mary Todd was hot by the candlelight. The flickering candle. The flickering. The flickering Mary Todd was hot by the candlelight the flickering candle you know what if I walk in and I don't like what I see I go and I go through with it I go through with it then you fuck him man I fuck him I fuck him so

good you know maybe this is my year though mama you say that every year I know but 2020 was supposed to be the year and then yes and then 2021 has pretty much slipped away from me. Maybe 2022 is the year. But I will say this. I know that it's a lot of, this isn't my terminology. Don't cancel me. It's a lot of, I want passable, like live as a woman. But I think they'll bargain down. No, see, you've got it all twisted up.

Because there's a lot of assumption, and I learned this from experience. You cannot anticipate. You can't assume. You cannot assume. You know what? Even as a man who sleeps with men, I can't assume. Mama. So nobody should assume.

You're currently in transition to becoming a man. Truly. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Nobody is actually. I just started looking male like four months ago. Four hours ago. Dead serious.

And also in four hours or four months from now, you could be something very different. So like that assumption is irrelevant. Like it is sometimes like useful because for people who say, the deal breaker will be like, I want big, huge, heavy naturals, which of course are not naturals. Yeah, they're not naturals if they fell off the back of a truck. They don't say naturals, but they say, I want big implants. Like they're into big, big breast implants. Okay, well, is that something I can strap on, but that's not something that's hardwired in? And do you say that?

I say, I, Amy, I would describe myself, I used to describe myself as a CD showgirl. I love that. Now, C-D-S-E-E-D-Y. S-E-D-Y. Filled with cum from previous classes. A showgirl filled with millet. I got millet. I got rain.

I got a lovely mix. And I'm hanging from a tree waiting for those birds to come pecking. Yes. I would describe myself as a Picasso, Wendy McLovin. No, mama, you're a Thomas Kinkade with a little Ann Getty

and a Banksy. It's a little Ann Getty. It's Ann Getty via Banksy. Ann Getty by way of Banksy. Speaking of Ann Gettys, Madonna in her latest spread for one of these fashion magazines, she just needs to,

so she's going back, like she's really turned back time. She looks about 14 now with that face. She should just become the new Anne Getty's model. I love her in a flower pot. Yeah, her in a flower pot. A complete re-record of her hits. Life is a mystery.

When will I ever grow? I'm just a baby. People like Madonna. Well, if you're in it, if you're on that train, you're going to stay on it no matter what. No matter what.

No matter what. Friend and close friend of ours, Fina Barbatal, I think Madonna could commit national terrorism. Terrorism. Madonna could have been January 6th at the White House

and Fina would have been like Diva! No I'll fight you on that because the thing I do appreciate about Fina is she is a stan however she's not unreasonable when Madonna is acting crazy Fina recognizes the crazy and accepts her like a sister like a mom

she doesn't apologize for her she's aware of all her she will bring up all her accomplishments because you don't slander Madonna. But she's not clueless and she's not delusional the way some Lana Del Rey stans seem to be. Well, that's a crazy trade. Yeah. I mean, every stand-up is crazy. And it's also, it is a strange thing, like when, for example, I was Alana, I would say Alana Stan only because I realized, looking back, I listen to her music every single day.

Right. Does that, what would you describe a Stan, a fan versus a Stan, just in terms of behavior, not like self-declaration? Stan behavior, I think, is like, you wear, are you, I don't know. I would say every single day you listen to their music. When I got Born to Die, what was that? 2000, I don't know, 14, 13, 12 even. Probably 12.

I listened to Born to Die every day for a couple weeks when I got it. I liked it. Yeah, like she was the one artist for me, like the one English speaking artist. Like I go crazy for the Russian ones, but. Is she speaking English? Yeah, I think so. There was a few of her songs on Born to Die that I was like, I've, Born to Die, that track, I was like, this is amazing.

How about, um, uh, oh, listen, Born to Die, um, uh, Paradise, uh, uh, Honeymoon, Ultra Violence, um, uh, Lust for Life. Life, all that stuff up until Norman Rockwell. I remember we were on Drag Race when Ultraviolence came out. And I remember getting out back to home and being so bereft that I missed the four weeks, the title four weeks of it being new and people talking about it. And I felt because I was like, as soon as a new track went out I was like all over that shit like butterflies in the stomach really excited I feel like that's a stan yeah right I will never go through something again where they

take my phone and my internet for two months never I don't care what it is I don't care what the fuck it is ain't nothing important that I can't connect to the internet thank you and also I'm not going to tell anyone I'm 76 years old what the fuck who am I going to tell also. I'm 76 years old. What the fuck? Who am I going to tell? I know.

Also, you know what's more alerting? Me not being online. Exactly. You might as well tell everyone where I am. No shit. I know. It would be, that's the funny thing. If they just let people keep their phones, nothing would change.

No. Nothing would change. These fags still go home and tell everyone. They go home and tell everyone. Nothing would, so they may be, the only only thing we don't talk to each other. That's what I would say. Keep that rule because the cameras and all that stuff. But that was truly like.

Well, now that I do like now that I'm part producing on Trixie Motel, I've learned from this side of it. Don't talk about it off camera because you're just going to have to talk about it again. Oh, yes. So you're going to have to fake the authenticity later. You actually have to have the same conversation twice. Yeah, that's what we were just talking. I was on a Drag Race project and talking about that very thing about the person asked, when do you do those confessionals?

And on season seven, we did them usually that night, which is rough, but ideal. Yeah, very ideal. It's still fresh, sometimes very fresh. It's better that way. Mary, in All Stars 2, sometimes we had to do them. We did them on the weekends one day. And then one time we had to do like three to four hours of them at once. Stephanie, I...

It's too much. During All Stars 3, I had to do them in the morning before shooting. I'd be in there in boy makeup at 7 a.m. in a chair talking. And you know who would always go first? Me. Because I was the only one they knew would show up on time. So I'm punished. That happened.

Yeah, that happened to me on this thing. Thank God you're punctual because if you weren't punctual, it'd be constant friction. No, for us. It'd be constant friction. Oh, no, I know. That's why they gave me this ungodly call time on the third day because the first two days I was early. And then I was like, they rewarded me with a 6.45 a.m. camera ready call time.

They rewarded you. Yeah, because they're like, well, because you a 6.45 a.m. camera ready call time. They rewarded you. Yeah, because they're like, well, because you've been so great, we're going to give you the first slot. I was like, oh, thanks, Bob. Thank you very much. I would show up to set with her on the script and go, oh, an actor's life. I enjoy my first copy as much as my sixth. It's decapitated. I've got enough energy.

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Ah, savings. Scoring fashion and fragrance for a fraction? This is winning. Winners, find fabulous for less. Can I show you something? I've been sick. We talked about it. Really? Besides that, I've been actually trying to lay down and rest.

And so I've been watching a wife swap from the beginning. Wife swap from the beginning. This is your resting technique? In the past. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Friday or Saturday after I had to cancel Evita. Yeah.

Saturday, I watched 22 episodes of Wife Swap in bed. 22. Okay. They're an hour long. Let me tell you about you. Can I tell you about you? You are fucking weird. It's like how I never relax, but when I do, I go hard.

No, you go hard and you go stupid. I know. You're like, are you all about this? You either vacillate as like, I'm going to work at a very high level. I'm going to learn an incredible new skill. I'm going to make a ton of money, do an incredibly engaging business venture,

or I am going to strap myself to a gurney and watch the most mindless piece of shit TV. With Janie Lee Kermes. It's like so wild to me. Janie Lee Kermes. Janie Lee Kermes in that's like so wild to me. Janie Lee Kermis. Janie Lee Kermis in that gurney. But I took some clips

for you to listen to. Okay, yeah, let me get, oh, you shared some and they are, I mean, they're wild. It's just insane. Play it, play it. Hold on,

there's one that I really want you to see. So there's these bad kids in this one, right? These bad kids and they're sitting in the car and the, Oh, dude, this is lovely.

Yeah, pick the flowers, you rich, ugly-ass bitch. She's talking to the mom like that. Isn't that crazy? Wait, who is that? Is that... That's the... The wives are just...

So in the show... Two couples swap wives. Yes, but they pick families that are absolutely opposite. Well, the God Warrior. It's... She's not a Christian. Lots of trading spouses.

But it's basically a rip-off. Oh, okay. Listen to this woman. This is us. This is us, bitch. Okay. Listen to this woman. This is us. This is us, bitch. Okay. Listen to this woman. She spends so much that she spends less than 15 minutes a day with her kids.

I have never had a maternal bone in my body. I don't even like kids. She's a mom on Wife Swap. On television. She goes, I have not a maternal bone in my body. I don't even like kids. Isn't that fierce? In fact, my uterus isn't even there.

They came out through my stomach. But the show, it's so amazing and hilarious. And I'm like crying laughing at some of this shit. This is an old, this is like what, 2002? It's, yes. Or earlier. Listen, this is the kids. These two daughters hypothesizing what kind of mom they want in a swap.

Listen to this woman. Okay. These are kids. I mean, the house looking cute, Maury can definitely have a problem. No, I just hope she's not fat. I just hope she's not fat. Wow.

And I just want to say that I know that this is an older show now, early 2000s perhaps. What flew on television, reality television in the early 2000s? Oh. Well, this was before. And this is the same thing like with Drag Race. This is before like anybody had that self-conscious awareness of trying to brand themselves or their reputation or anything.

Nothing. Which is part of what made it good. Of course. But these people getting a wife swap with a woman of color and doubling down on the use of the N word on television. It's unthinkable. I mean, it's unthinkable. Or this woman switching, this conservative Christian woman switching with a lesbian couple and then telling them to their face at the end that she was uncomfortable knowing a lesbian was at home with her daughter because she knows she's a pedophile.

Oh, wow. It's wild. It's so wrong and horrible. But part of what reality shows are good at is showing people. Well, wrong and horrible is the name of the game. Yeah's wild. It's so wrong and horrible, but part of what reality shows are good at is showing people. Well, wrong and horrible is the name of the game. Yeah. Yeah. But think of this, though. It's only in the last maybe three, four years or something that I have completely washed off the stink of reality TV.

It used to not be something to be proud of. Do you know what I mean? Competition shows are a little different, but reality TV... Well, competition shows, it's a showcase of talent, so there's something there. Yes, however, it still kind of carried a bit of the trashiness of...

It was less than a soap opera. Way less! But now, some of them are prestigious. of like, it was like less than a soap opera. Like you can say you're an actor. But now, but now like it's, some of them are prestigious. Yeah, they're elevated. TV is a whole different game now. But in the beginning, girl, reality TV people. Like, you know.

Remember Illimitate? Trash. Trash. Do you remember Next? I never saw Next, but you told me about it. It sounds fucking horrible horrible although i wish we had more i wish we had less like the social drudge yeah like that kind of like black mirror shit i wish we just had more like wipe out like japanese you know

the japanese ones where the crabs get you or like you're like dropped into a giant thing of sawdust and then some alligator comes out you get a that kind of thing. I know. Nicole Byer has the best job in the world. She gets to be with John Cena and watch people eat shit. What is the show she does, Cole? It's Wipeout. Wipeout. Okay. Nicole does Wipeout where people do these amazing, impossible to win.

The show is about you falling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And usually it's like, I'm a young athlete. I can do this. And so it's like spry young people eating shit, which is like, they're fine. Walk it off. But they're often falling into like muddy water. That's unpleasant.

Yeah. I think about, I think I have a fear of like my open eye hitting muddy water. I have a, listen, I had to do a thing where I crouched down the other day on a flat surface that wasn't moving and not slippery. And I was afraid. That's the level of like, and I was, I watched that new,

the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I was like, I noticed there was a funny little goofy fight scene where Cheryl Hines was in it. And it was the stunt double like fell. And I was like, it was an easy fall, but I was like, oh yeah,

of course that's a stunt double. Actors not going to do anything that would even inconvenience them at all, because that's just a huge liability. But then we learned from Harvey last week that sometimes they do. Yeah, Harvey does her own fucking stunts. If you guys didn't listen, last week we had Harvey Guillen from What We Do in the Shadows. And she got us together. She got us all together.

She was, he was such a fan. One of my favorite guests we've ever had. I think, yeah. No shade to all the other guests, but he's my favorite. It was so fun talking to him. And I know, and that was so, I didn't have to prepare. I've seen every single episode

of the, actually watched some compilations earlier today of the earlier, from the earlier. A com compilation? Yeah, yeah. Sorry,

Gonzo compilations from Brazzers where the girls. Gonzo. I think it's when they have a huge nose and they just use that to fuck the girl.

Are you serious? Like Muppet style? No. It's a certain type of filming. I forget what it means. Go gonzo. Gonzo. What if right before I come,

I go, oh, I'm going to go gonzo. I'm going to go buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Yes. Or like somebody, I'm like, somebody's jerking me off

and they get close to me and they go, are you close? And I go, it's time to put on makeup. It's time to... All right, let's all go to the lobby.

Yeah. Let's all go... That's me walking to the bathroom for the cum towel. You know how you walk like this? Yeah. Yeah. No, mine is a... He's like, are you close?

The AMC commercial with Nicole Kidman that plays right before the movie at the theater. It comes... Yeah. We come to this place for magic. By the way... Nicole Kidman. Mary. Did they ever in a wig for the commercial?

Just voiceover. Of course. Oh, of course. She was, she's fully wigged all the time. All the time. Fully wigged. And, um, you know, I don't, not to, I want her to do like Broadway lace though. Like four and a half inches of unglued down lace.

You know, on Broadway, they like it's long lace and they don't glue it down. Because what's the point? It's so far away. It's so far away. Which honestly we should think about doing on our tour. I'm not gonna do lace on the tour. I'm giving full bang. Bang, bang into that theater. Speaking of, you guys, in the United

States, we are currently pretty much 99% sold out on our tour. But you never know. You never know. It's not wild. I believe in us. No, I don't think it's wild. I think it's... We work really hard. It's great. We nurture what we're good at.

Yeah. And you know what else is good about us? We don't act like we're good at things we're not good at. Oh, I don't think we ever pretend to be anything that we're not. We're not. No. And I don't, I don't. Yeah.

I mean, if anything, I know I am in, I'm just guilty of not, sometimes I downplay what people enjoy about me. Cause there's no, there's no use in disparaging yourself or being falsely humble. But like, yeah, if people like you, they like you. Whatever. Humility is like one of those things that I've heard about. You should get into that after Wife Swap. But it's like somebody, when you go to an LA and someone has an Emmy and they have one of them, it's on display.

When they have 10, they're in a closet. Yes. People get almost ashamed because their biggest fear is what if I look too proud of myself? You know? Except Lady Gargar. I live for her. Lady Gargar. You know,

because of House of Gucci, we are going to hear there can be a hundred cannolis in a room. We're going to hear whatever the Italian version of that is for years. There could be

64 gabagool on the plate. And 99 of them were eaten by my cousin, Rachel. Yeah. And she came over from Sicily and she said, I mean, the fact that, did you hear the clip where she said, I walked by the place where he was shot and I felt, I was a gut punch. I mean, she is so nuts.

And I mean this in a good way. Like she is so camp. She's so over the top in this bizarre mixture mixture of earnest and I mean she's very invested and very talented. She's young. But like here's the thing. If she was an older woman, we would love her the way we thought a Carol Channing was out there.

Yes. Or what's a good example of that? The original Catwoman. Or Liza. You know what I mean? She'd be like a Liza. Yeah. Exactly.

Like we like she's wild, but she's crazy. She's like a crazy old legend. Yes. But Gaga's a little, she is a legend. Of course, she's legendary, but she has that grand dame energy. She's doing Debbie Reynolds at age 30, and I love it. Yes, exactly. She's doing like, a piano?

Don't make me sing. Like, she's kind of doing that. My favorite clip of her is when she's like, it's so nice to be in the presence of so many locals the locals yeah I love it

but she that whole she is so camp and especially when she lobbies for something I mean the way that she lobbied for that Oscar

for that fucking Star is Born movie was a whole fuck 5-2 mama I want to see that journey that's what I mean we're about to experience

that there's gonna be there's gonna be an equivalent of shallow that song in this we will hear it for six years

yeah hopefully it's when the moon hits your eye like a bigger pizza pie and you know what the gag is we have here we have an amazing all star performances

of course limitless budget a story that every continent of people would want to hear from We have an amazing all-star performances, of course. Limitless budget. A story that every continent of people would want to hear from. Giant movie house behind it. But when it comes out and it's celebrated, she will act shocked that anyone even saw it. I can't believe this little thing, this little thing that we believed in. She'll be like, I can't.

It's unthinkable. I never thought that in a million years. Like she just got on The Voice yesterday. I know. Nobody. She listens to the pod, so we should be careful. She doesn't listen to the pod. But she is incredibly gifted.

She is. And also, listen, I want to... She's overshadowing a very, a minor detail. There's an actress who plays, I think, the mistress of the guy, of the Versace guy, not Versace, Gucci guy who gets shot, played by this French actress, Camille Cotin, who's in the trailer for literally a half a second. And she's so fucking good. And it's just because Adam Driver lady gaga al pacino everybody else ridley scott like all that um nobody cares about the french actress but i just hope she gets her cookies because she needs to be like a household name in america yeah well adam driver's on the same level too remember when he walked out when they played a clip of his movie

oh they're all they're all doing offstage camera performances. What is it? I mean, it's you. Disclaimer. Far be it from us to call anyone camp. You know, consider the source. I'm the clump. We're like clump. You know, did you see net? Not net.

And now. No, not a net. Did you see a net? You would know if you saw it. The movie that's streaming on with Adam Driver and Marion Cotillard. No. The rock opera. No. Did you seeotillard? No. The rock opera? No.

Did you see this? I tried to. Did you live? It is... I've never seen it. Bat shit doesn't even begin. Bat shit does not even begin to describe. Yeah.

First of all, I don't like musicals. I was just going to say, you don't like singing. And this is a rock opera. Is it in English? It sure is. See, you also hate that. If it was in Italian or any other language, I probably would going to say, you don't like singing. And this is a rock opera. Is it in English? It sure is. So you also hate that. I, if it was in Italian or any other language,

I probably would have stuck with it for a few more minutes, but it is so fucking crazy. It is so who would play her, who would play that movie? Like, what is it like? I struggle to find the words. Dune.

It, no, it is like it, it, it, Nell, Nell, pick in the City.

It's like if Nell was a cock destroyer made out of half robot, half lamb, lived in Japan, and then became the headmaster of a boarding school in South Africa. Work. That's Annette, it's called. It's so fucking crazy. I was once in a three-act tap musical called No No Nanette. Oh. Okay, so that makes sense.

Ryan Landry, back in Boston, did a spoof called No No Nativity. Yeah, is that... Yes, it's the musical that Tea for Two is from. Okay, so that makes sense. I was like, that must be a reference to something. Do you like Grey Gardens? I do. Do you like Grey Gardens? I do. Do you like the documentary now episode about Grey Gardens?

Peter Potter, Peter... That was so fucking good. That was documentary now. The one with, about Marina Abramovich with Fred and then Cate Blanchett as the performance artist. I didn't see that.

You have to. Even if you're not familiar with Marina Bromwich, the artist is present. It is so fucking brilliant. It is so fucking brilliant. It is so well done. It's the most incredible funny satire for smarties and dummies. It's so perfect.

Mark. That whole series is so good. Documentary now. I've never heard of it. I've only seen the first one because the first one was the Grey Gardens one. I just saw Fred Armisen

a few weeks ago. Fred Armisen, yeah. Yes, I did the Largo with him and I was like, I have to tell you. I have to tell you. I know you're like probably here about all the time.

But I love your voice. But obviously Portland and all that. No, I was like, Portland and all that. I have to tell you. I know you're probably here about all the time. But that documentary and all that no it's like portland i have to tell you i know you probably hear about all the time but that documentary now pilot the the gray gardens it's so good and he was like oh thank you when it turns dark i don't remember i don't remember do you

remember it's like it's like a parody of gray gardens and then it turns murderous and they kill the documentary crew oh that's right and it's like a horror movie it's like blair witch at the end yeah there it whoever did that it's like a horror movie. It's like Blair Witch at the end. Whoever did that, it's brilliant. Did you ever see Paranormal Activity? Did we talk about this? No, we have not.

During Halloween, during my stay at the hospital, I watched Paranormal Activity on my iPad. I hadn't seen it in a while. I know it's not a little drugs, but... What kind of drugs

would they give you? Molly. They give you an IV of MDMA? Well, they crush it up and mix it into Visine. And then they make me drink it. And then I shit. And then they put up your ass.

Yeah. Which, by the way, my diarrhea is finally starting to slow down. Oh, thank God. You got to get that rectal thermometer, though. Trust me. If you want an accurate temperature, read it. How can I put something up there when so much is coming out? Mom, if that should be on a t-shirt.

So I'm watching Paranormal Activity and I forgot that in my sophomore year of college, I didn't know that Paranormal Activity was a fake documentary. A mockumentary. I didn't know that. So I remember watching it and watching like the door move for the first time and being like, does the world know about this movie? Are people going to find out about ghosts? Like I was like, proof of paranormal, like do people know about this movie are people gonna find out about ghosts like i was like proof of paranormal like do people know about this i thought i mean you got to get youtube down here to film this the movie had to get so crazy for me to be like oh it's a movie like once the ouija

board started on fire i was like oh they're making a movie i thought i was watching like home video. I don't know. I don't know. Listen, I relate. I thought cars were on invisible tracks. And watching it, Halloween was just last week. It feels like so long ago. But watching it again as an adult adult, that movie is so fucking scary.

I've never seen it. It is so scary. Is it? You know, I have a hard time. I could never rewatch like Blair Witch. I can't do the found footage shaky, shaky, shaky. I need incredible, sweeping, beautiful cinematography. Well, it's an independent film shot like, you know, real.

Does it give you the sugars? Not the sugar. Does it give you like the... Well, I got sick right after watching it. So maybe... No, like movies like that will give you a headache. I said, did you kill your sister? And he said, yes.

Something. And then I saw that nurse dragging that horse through the hospital. And we're back. Oh, wait. That's his hand. We're not back. No, we're gone. And we're going.

Thank you guys for listening another week. It was just the girls. And we hope you enjoyed that. And buy the stuff that we talked about in the ads or don't. And then we'll see you next time. Join us next week when we have incredible American cultural icon Michelle Obama and bombshell Lonnie Anderson. Yes. Yes.

Goodbye. goodbye