The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - It's a Tumescent Holiday Miracle! with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

As the holiday season rapidly ascends to the apex of yuletide cheer, you may find yourself experiencing a warm, tingly sensation deep within your abdomen. It's a condition known as "Merry Malady" and it affects .000001 % of the population. Side effects include dry mouth, erotic internet searches containing the phrase "Candy Cane," consumption of Trimix-spiked eggnog, and unexpected dating propositions in local big-box retail stores. Nine out of ten doctors agree that taking 70mg daily of Noëlvy will lessen the likelihood of experiencing E-E-S (embarrassing erectile syndrome) when overcome with holiday cheer. For this holiday and every holiday, take Noëlvy and avoid a rigidity disaster. Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://Betterhelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Get 20% off sitewide and up to 40% off with bundle deals during Buffy’s Holiday Sale at https://www.buffy.co with code BEAUTIFUL. Thank you to Buffy for supporting the podcast! Download and try the new Archer dating app today! Go to: https://get.archerapp.com/k263/TBATB Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee, up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply.

What's it like to trade crypto on Kraken? Let's say I'm in a state-of-the-art gym surrounded by powerful-looking machines. Do I head straight for the squat rack? I could, but this gym has options, like trainers, fitness pros, spotters to back me up. That's crypto on Kraken. Powerful crypto tools backed by 24-7 support and multi-layered security. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Looking for a collaborator for your career?

A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Okay, so this is a back in the day buffet. Misery with a Z. Fabulous drag name. Unmatched in drag name.

Misery with a Z. I think you call that mononymous? Mononymous? Mononymous? Mononymous? Boop. She had this acapella intro by Sweet Pussy Pauline in her mix. And we're like, hold up.

Okay, girls. My name is Sweet Pussy Pauline. And I got a story I want to share with you. Is it okay? Well, this motherfucker climbed up on top of me. The littlest dick you've ever seen in your motherfucking life. He had the unmitigated gall girls to look into my pretty bright eyes and say, Am I hurting you?

Hurting me? Motherfucker, you are tickling me. Get the fuck up off me and leave the coins on the dresser and hit the door. I don't have to put up with that shit. And then she goes into detail about then this guy hung like a baseball bat. I got one leg on the floor, the other on the dresser,

and he had a big old nasty bean-eating bitch just pummeling my pussy. He's like, I was like, and then that's the moment she's like, tear it up like newspaper because it wasn't built right. No way. And I was like, I'm thinking about that. And I, because of her, I have so many of these like things in my head, like music make you lose control. She'd do great little things like Janet Jackson says, is that the end? And they say, no.

Going to another mix. Does music make you lose control? A sample? Music makes you lose control. Is that a Sweet Pussy Pauline sample the end? And they say, no. Going to another mix. Does music make you lose control of sample? Music makes you lose control. Is that a Sweet Pussy Pauline sample? No, no, no, no. It's in Missy Elliott's song. It's a cute waist, chubby waist, cute face, chubby waist,

thick legs, in shape, rum shake in both ways, make you do a double take. She would do a mix. It's like I love you while I'm a pussy. I thought you were saying it was originally a Pauline sample. I was like, I thought you were saying, I thought you were saying it was a, originally a Pauline sample. I was like, no way.

No, but T.S. Madison is sampled on Beyonce's new album. And I went down to T.S. Madison rabbit hole, by the way, I will name drop her. Oops.

Dropped right on the floor. You see her right now. Maddie, Maddie's on the floor. Oops. Dropped her T.S. Madison. Um,

that's, that's my auntie in Boston. When she was hosting a pageant we were backstage cutting up soon after I was on Drag Race and we had lovely tender moments together in the dressing room and she says you know you're my niece right I love you know she says it

she likes us I think she loves us like L-O-V-E she should guest host sometime she should just take over. Jesus, take the wheel. She should guest host with you. Would you guys like to see T.S. Madison with Kati?

Wouldn't that be fun? I would. Mama, I would literally drive you over with my car, which is the first point on my – do you have my sheet, my list? I need – this is very important. Wait a minute. Preparation for the pod? Mama, I – What the fuck?

I emailed it. I emailed it like days ago. Wait a minute, folks. If you're new to the pod, don't get spoiled Because we're about 300 episodes in Where we usually have nothing ready And today we have bullet points We got bullet points

And don't get used to it Don't get used to it Don't get used to it Mama, I don't ever over promise I under deliver You don't even promise Thank you, thank you Tina To over promise, you have to

promise in the first place. Never is a promise and you can't afford to lie. Damn. Fiona Apple. Love Fiona Apple. The album Extraordinary Machine worked me out. How about the Apple? How about the album title that she wrote when she

was 19, 18? Wait, do you know this story? The poetry? The P-O-E-T-R-Y of it all. She didn't have a title for the album and they kept, they kept being like, you need a title. Stop it. You need a title. Stop it. And so she said, fine.

T-I-D-A-L. It's title. Girl, when the pond hits and the molly kicks and you come for Miss Fiona, she says, bop, bop, bop. Yeah. It's pretty fierce. She's so kind. She's an amazing artist.

Love those songs. I know for some reason, Pale September. Tears. She's fierce. She's so kind. She's an amazing artist. Love those songs. I know, for some reason, Pale September. Tears. She's good. She's amazing. And I know she, listen, I don't know if she has, she's open about body stuff. What is she open about? Her legs wide open?

No, she has body stuff. Mama, who doesn't? This is the Goon Squad. The video for Criminal, when she's in that tub, and the whole video is shot in the dark with in the in that tub and the whole video shot like in the dark with a flashlight in a shady apartment terry richardson it's very amazing it's very it's very like i've been a bad bad heroin addict you know what i mean it really is giving it's giving drug house but mama that was think of a thing at the time pig pig under a mattress in a drug den that's what it's giving it's given boop boop, boop, be-doop, you fuck. You know, I was on very Delta

and I didn't bring it up and I meant to. Oh, that is a missed connection. I didn't mean to in like a, in what bitch? I meant to in like a, that was funny. It's aged very funny to me.

Because you didn't, but see, so I think you're different than me. Like I, you are a very practical person and I think you don't, I feel like you don't, maybe I'm wrong,

but I feel like you don't see the, the use of holding onto a grudge At all. I mean, you run a marathon. Why are you going to do that? People who pridefully like, people who like years later are like, and I still hate that bitch I'm like, c'est moi?

Get a life, bitch. I could tell you. I have one of my grudge budge. I got one person. It's a one seat occupancy in my grudge budge. Totally. I still hate one person. Say it again, I didn tell you. I have one of my grudge budge. I got one. I got one person. It's a one seat occupancy. My grudge budge. Totally. I still hate one person. Say it again. I didn't.

Oh, but, but that's the, that's the essence of pure evil. That's saying I don't fuck with Satan. Mama. By the way, they're going to use that and they're going to edit over. Like I still hate one person. RuPaul. Like they're going to just put anyone's name in. Marvel's going to come in with their team.

Take your hand and put it over the side. And then they're going to be like Ruth Paul. You know what we should do? I swear to God, to show the complete stupidity of the AI, we should do an AI generated trick scene catch up on the beautiful podcast. Oh my God. One,

I bet you it's going to be nonsensical and stupid. But also funnier. Two, what if it's better? I know. And then you and I need to crawl into pine boxes. I know. And close the lid. Two, what if it's better? I know. And then you and I need to crawl into pine boxes and close the lid. Django Gold, who used to write for Stephen Colbert, I believe he was a funny, funny, funny guy. I guess I would fuck him.

Django Gold on Twitter, he tweeted the other day, he was like, AI enthusiasts be like, imagine a world without art. Totally. It's like so fierce. It's like so fierce. Imagine a world where painting never happened. Love it.

I feel so strongly about it that even when I look at- It's not fierce. It's just not fierce. I'm sorry. I follow a couple AI Instagram accounts where they make AI pictures. Have you seen the ones of Anna Wintour? No. They're so fucking-

I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even want to talk about it. I do follow them. And while sometimes they are very enchanting, sometimes I actually feel guilty looking at them. You know what else is enchanting? Takeout on, Chinese takeout on New Year's. Tea.

That's way more enchanting than AI. Mama, that's Ella enchanted. And she comes to your door, chomp, chomp, chomp, you eat it up.

You know, I never got why, well, I didn't get it till much later. Like, why do people always eat Chinese food on Christmas? Jews. Because that's what's open.

Yeah. And also it's a Jewish tradition. I never made that connection until I had more Jewish people in my life. Yeah. Also in the Christmas story, when they ruin their food, they go to a, uh,

yeah, I think a Chinese restaurant. What's your favorite, uh, Asian food restaurant to order out from? Um, it's a toss up between if we're talking Asian, like,

like Chinese or Thai or whatever. Well, Thai, I have so many Thai. I guess those are so different. They are. What kind of Asian are you? Well, I really like Kung Pao Bistro. That's on Santa Monica and Fairfax. Because they got so many good vegetarian options.

And they come quick. They come quick and they come correct. I do. You scroll through my Grubhub. First of all, once you get through the wash of a secondhand embarrassment at the frequency of my use. If you go to like, no, no, no.

If you go to like, I'm not only a member for you, Taco Bell, Jack in the box. I'm like, I should end it all. I'm not only a member. It's like the hair for men club thing. I'm not only a member. I'm the president. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I have a shareholder.

You're that guy who owns Wendy's. That old guy. What's his name? Wendy. Mr. Wendy. Isn't it like Mike? Dave. Dave.

Not Jared from Subway. Do you know that it's Carl's Jr.? I know. Cause I'm Carl. It's not Carl's Jr. It's my son. It's Carl's Jr. Is what it's called.

Oh, because that's like passersby. You don't say passersby. This is Carl's Jr. This is his junior. But you know what I mean? It's not, it's passersby. Mayor You don't say passers-by. This is Carl's junior. This is his junior. But you know what I mean? It's passers-by. Mayor, I've been calling it Carl's, Carl Junior's my whole life. It's the same thing of like, it's passers-by.

You don't say passers-by. And you know what's called subway? I'm going to call it Subway. Subway. McDonald's. McDonald's. To the ladies. What are they called, friends?

McDonald's. Macca's.'s McDonald's in Australia Australia McDonald's Go over to Mecca You're going to slod your feet But then there's a makeup store there called Mecca It's like so confusing

Mecca Why don't they just like do Somebody's ringing Yeah somebody's ringing the front door Oh my god Who could it be? Love that I've lived here for years And I own the unit

And don't have keys to the building Is it Amanda? Who could it be Oh my God, who could it be? Love that I've lived here for years and I own the unit and don't have keys to the building. Is it Amanda? Who could it be at this hour? Who could it be? Oh my God. Maybe it's 510. Have you seen these videos of Amanda Lepore working out with milk? No, I don't think I can take that.

Milk has been training Amanda. Oh no, that's too much. Milk is what you would call a perfect specimen physically. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to stop right there. Don't call anybody perfect. Nobody perfect in this world. You know there's not perfect bodies. Okay, well Jack and Jill over here can- Shut up. I'm going to call it perfect, no, no, no. Don't, I'm going to start there. Don't call anybody perfect. Nobody perfect in this world. You know, there's not perfect bodies.

Well, Jack and Jill over here can, I'm going to call it perfect. Shut up. Listen, listen, listen. You're going to say gorgeous. Say gorgeous. I'm saying a good mix of eats right, exercises. No, gorgeous. Say gorgeous.

He's gorgeous. Gorgeous. But he ain't perfect. Okay, fine. Imperfect. Ugly. He's an imperfect body. He's ugly troll.

But he is training. And then he's like, see like this, he's like videos of him being like, you want to really feel it through here and you want to make sure, you know, and Amanda is in her day drag standing next to the machine like,

tell me it's in a turban and sunglasses. Tell me it's in a turban and sunglasses. She's in the wig. She's in the hair. She's in the red lip. She's in drag. Are there heels on? Or she got,

is she barefoot? And she's in like a strappy, like peg Bundy, like high waisted little pants. Oh, it's cunt. Oh, why does she serve so much cunt? It's almost too much to watch. I mean, come on.

It's like, it's like my eyeballs. It's like the limit does not exist. But with Amanda, the cunt is almost too much. But I love the idea of later someone's like, Amanda, how was your workout? And she's like, milk really whooped my ass today. It was really exhausting, but I'm also really invigorated. Well, in her book, she said that she walks. On my protein shake.

In her book, she said she walks 300 calories on a treadmill every day no matter what she doesn't run but she just walks well this makes me happy because i obviously think of amanda as a timeless eternal beauty which she is and like i'm having to deal with the you know you know what you know when you think about oh eventually you're maybe going to lose the ones you love like your mom or whatever yeah you know i wasstripped over the reality that I'll probably go first. Hello. But Amanda is not going to die because she is eternal.

Mama, she's giving the eternals, the immortals. She's given Marvel Avengers. She's given Captain America, not Captain America. She's given Miss Mar-Vell. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? One of my dreams is to produce an Amanda doc. That's not a dream.

That's a must-do. It's a must-do. That's a must-do. I learned a lot doing a lot of things, TV and stuff, and I just feel like Amanda deserves. Oh, it's long overdue. She deserves an amazing doc. Are you Dave, a claims-free hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online? Well, Dave, this jingle's for you. Who saves with TD Insurance?

Because he's a claims-free hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online. It's Dave. Not Dave? No problem. TD Insurance has over 30 ways to save on home and auto. So... You can totally save, just not exactly like Dave. Save like only you can at tdinsurance.com slash ways to save. TD, ready for you. 3, 2, 1, 0.

The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy. And when the buzzer sounds, you deserve a Coke Zero Sugar. The one with irresistible taste and zero sugar. Win or lose, Coke Zero Sugar is the most refreshing way to end the game. Coke Zero Sugar. Best Coke ever. Learn more at Coca-Cola.ca. Well, first of all, this shirt says the Goon Squad,

but it said the Groom Squad, which can be taken a different way. A craven transsexual groomer has entered the chat. The Groom Squad. Did you add the eyeballs? I sure did. Oh, interesting. I sure did. You're not going to say interesting and not good job.

I thought that was a little interesting. Goon squad. It's better than groom squad. Of course it is. But when I answered yes on the thing, you didn't remark on, oh, I think you did kind of a good job. Oh, because I didn't because there were so different sizes. Oh, I couldn't tell. Oh, so you still have an opportunity to say good job.

You did a beautiful job. As far as buying secondhand shirts and customizing them with markers, you are the Paul McCartney. I am that bitch. You are that bitch, D-Bot. And if you're going to come to me on South La Brea at Goodwill going bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, pepe, pepe, and zzzz, you will not be the girl because I am that girl. And I'm, honey, she is that girl.

And she will comfort you in your horrible shoes and that hat. These are bad. No, they're not. They're great. I bought these in Times Square when it started snowing and I had like sneakers on. It was a panic move. But what if I went like this and there was a huge squash dog turd and I just

waited for you to say something. I'd be like, no, continue to tell me that story. Oh, is that a moon pie? No. Did you see the horrible Instagram? Fellas, ladies, to the fellas, I will not do poop stories while they're eating but did you see the Instagram I sent you last night

the people watching or listening to this podcast you freak this is getting recorded I'm going to put on a podcast and eat no one's doing that if you're listening to this and you're eating stop now if anything this is a diet podcast

because we're here to make your appetite go diet podcast because we're here to make your appetite go away. McDonald's! Thank you. We're here to ruin your appetite. Us telling sex stories, us telling,

every other episode I'm like this in the thumbnail. The commentator's like, why are our legs up in the thumbnail? New York Times says a sure dry heave.

Totally. But, but so the, anyways, I won't talk about that, but I went to alfred's coffee okay get into this gig girl tell me i got a big mama so the porn cleanse still yanking and that it's let's celebrate yeah no porn and no smoking what are you a nun i know what what are you nuts you think i'm giving a you think i'm giving this check to a bunch of nuns you're not smoking you're not looking at porn. You're no longer fracturing your foot.

Yes. Oh, update. McDonald's. I am. I. Okay. Because we did miss. We did miss a couple days.

I'm going to look at my camera and do my apology video. Okay. I'll stay out of the way. This is a video that I, that eventually, I think in the back of my mind, I knew I had to make, but I finally threw with professional help and the support of my friends have fully, I've grown into the person that is allowed to make this video. And so that's what I'm about to do right now. And even though there's no tears coming out of my eyes, I need you to know that I'm crying a lot. It's just that we're not, this is 4k video. It doesn't allow for wetness to show, even though you can sometimes see I'm sweating, but, um, I received the results of my x-ray and I am ashamed to report that there was no fracture. There was no, um, break. It was, um,

report that there was no fracture there was no um break it was um it was an old maiden type of x-ray uh how long did it take so it took um eight days eight to twelve days for my what if your foot was broken one medical because there's one person working at that medical company that's why it's called one medical bitch bitch and rad net mama ain't nothing rad because they are in the 90s that's what that's about rad net radiology network it's not rad it's radical it's radical how long they take radical it's radical in that they have to use their skateboard to go back to the 90s to get the image and then time travel mama rad net you flop every company has it in the name you flop every company bitch. Every company has it in the name. Best Buy, you best not buy.

Hello. I want to say like Tiffany Polly. Radnett, you are a cock-sucking, cum-guzzling cunt. And I hope I might sleep better knowing that you are not in the White House. Girl, can I say, if anybody at home ever wants to get a chilled on their spine, get into a deep dive with Omarosa on any talk show. There's this plenty video. She's on the Bethany Frankel show,

which I think lasted about 12 weeks. Literally. It was a short 12 seconds. No, 12 weeks. I wasn't gonna be that mean, but I could, it was a short run.

Love Bethany Frankel. It didn't last long. Okay. It's fine. Omarosa go in there and they have friction right off the top. Not as bad as the Omarosa, Wendy Williams friction, which is insane. But mama, you don't come for

Wendy because you don't know where Wendy is. No. Omarosa tells Wendy, well, I would, I, what you need is, well, I think Wendy goes, no, I have a nose job, but if I could recommend for you a little bit of Restylane. And then I think Omarosa goes, I don't need Restylane when my wig doesn't sit three inches off my head. Shablam.

Oh, it was almost like someone pulled a trap door and Wendy fell into the, but she, Wendy falls into the WCU, the Wendy cinematic universe. You know what I mean? Like you can't, then you can't touch her. She's just,

she's working with a moment. She's Captain Marvell up in there. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. But then when Omarosa was on Bethany, her and Bethany get into a bit of a spat over skinny girl lattes or whatever. No,

Bethany sort of kind of tries, I think Bethany sort of moves a chess piece toward her saying like my success. And fucking Omarosa goes, you bake cupcakes. I work in the White House, get a grip. Damn. And I, it was almost like a beam of light came down and I was a cow in like Southern Dakota,

like Southern Dakota, is it called? It's South Dakota. And I was beamed up by the aliens. By the way, do you think, not to pivot. Not to pivot. Did you see that Mexican alien body? Mama, it came up at the Amy and Tina show last night. Mommy, they really carried it out on a cookie sheet.

Mama, they said freshly baked from outer space. Cookie sheet. Still warm. Paper mache. Still warm. Not even good. Fingers still wet from the paper mache. They got the lowest paid art department person.

Fingers still wet from the papier mache. I could have made a better fake alien than that. In front of the government in Mexico with officials present. I was like, it looked like it was made from a tuna salad. Like, I don't know what that was. Not even tuna, mama. It was like. Grout?

That was like the. I'll start a drag. That was like, that was, that was, that was like, the, the, that was Wentworth Institute of Technology undergraduate doing a mock-up of a model that they're going to do in their first year. Hello. Thank you.

It would be like the worst submission to get into art school. Remember in Freddie, number three, when she's doing the doll, the house with the popsicle sticks. Yeah.

Mama, she could have, she would, that would have been a more convincing alien body. Pat Yorkett could have gone in there and be like, you need an alien. Bada,

bada, bada, bada, boom, bam, bam. Fingers, toes,

totally eyes. Karen, Elsie, Nelson, you listen, thanks for coming to the UFO. I, the thing is,

if you don't have a convincing alien body, don't wheel it out and show everyone, but also mama, don't wheel it out and show everyone. So many. So at the show last night, thrown some glitter on a out and show everyone. Somebody at the show last night. You could have thrown some glitter on a preemie. At the show last night, she was like,

aliens are here, aliens are here. Someone in the audience was like, are they going to pay my bills? And Amy was like, she flipped out. She was like, may I please use that in the next show? Somebody was like, are they going to pay my bills? Because girl, who cares?

Who cares? Paper mache or real, or like, or, or real strong. Who cares? They're gonna pay my mortgage. It's not like you discovered like teleportation. Right. If it's a dead alien on a cookie sheet, even if it was real. We're going to dissect it. And then what?

It's like, it's like, it's like, they're the same thing as bones bones sticking out bones sticking out yeah um i i don't know it was the energy was so like okay you have you seen that azalea banks video where she go they go my intern says you make music for gays is that true you make music for gays and she goes i do i do so what now yeah that was the was the energy. What now? Mrs. I need to say something. Bob. I need to say something about Mrs.

Alia. I'm not even going to even, I'll just say the one thing about her problematic nature and that's it. I'm not going to say anything about it. Cause you're next. If you say anything. No, no,

that, that, that person, that person, that person has, I don't apologize for anybody, but what I've observed in this person is supernatural and unflappable. Her eyes are made of diamonds.

And her reading glasses are sharper than anybody's. She had LASIK so that she can read at all times. Mama, because she goes the trifecta. She goes, creativity unmatched. Unmatched. The wit unmatched. The cadence. The pettiness.

Because she's not afraid. She's not afraid to be Tom Petty in The Heartbreakers, Lori Petty in League of Their Own. She's not afraid to do Petty Cash from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. But she's got the intelligence, the knowledge, and the wit, and the creativity all behind her. She has a library of receipts. Petty LaBelle.

Petty LaBelle rolling in the deep. Like it's crazy. She kicks off her shoes and says, oh, you wanted to come for me? Yeah. Raggedy hip, ashtray. Like she just goes down the line and then it's like,

she has the Rolodex to pay. This is me watching her. I'm like, you're afraid to be next, but you're also like, oh, do me. Like, yeah, kill me. It's like in that movie where they're like, I was like, I want afraid to be next, but you're also like, Ooh, do me like, yeah, kill me. It's like in that movie where they're like, I was like, I want to jump off the, I'm going

to jump off the balcony. And the girl's like, do it. You know, it's like, she is, it's aspirational. That level of reading. It's aspirational. It's inspiring. It is. Because her cards, mama, her, because her, her, her, her, her, as a wordsmith, she's

a samurai. She's a samurai. You know what it gives she's a samurai. She's a surgeon. She's a samurai. Surgeon and a samurai. Kill Bill. Karen. Not that I need to at this distance, but I could be a fucking surgeon with this shotgun. That's her reading.

Thank you. And also, Karen is also, she's like, she lets her go. She lets her go. Woman recognizes woman. Would you have let her go if you were Karen and Kill Bill? Yeah, because I'm working for my boss, Lisa, whatever, Lisa Wong. And I'm, I'm, I'm Lisa Wong. But you know what I mean?

I got to work out for me as Karen. Karen works for Lisa Wong. And, and you know what I mean? Like, and Beatrix works for Bill. Even assassins don't want to shoot pregnant women. No, no. It's, it's, well, it was the, the Saw 10 reel. It's like, you, if you kill that child with blood, I'm walking out of this theater.

And in the movie, in the universe of this thing, it was like, there was a morality point that was, there was a very clear level that you don't go below. There was a clear code of ethics. And the assassins have that. White after Labor Day. And also, if you, you got to snip your cat's dingleberries if you're having guests over for dinner, you know, especially after five. And wearing blush too far into the center of your face

when you already have a round head, that's, that's like, you know, just chop the head off. Just kill it. But it's over. Yeah.

But, um, I went, uh, I, I have to tell you that I, because of no porn, because of no apps,

no grinder, no snippies, no nada. I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him, I asked him,

I asked him. I asked someone out in real life. I was like, let's talk about, let's take a break. I had coffee in my head. Let's take a break and let's talk about it. We have a real life story for fucking once. Remix. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears.

The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back so you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence, turn on connections, turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. This will be the day. see what you can achieve at ymca gta.org all right so you asked someone out set the scene if they were writing a pilot where are we what's going on okay um this is a story of born and raised with no no not that one um well this is a story all about how i was like i've got turned upside how i was walking in cb2 and i noticed some hot man with a mustache so i would go hey would like stuck my dick no well if you're at cb2 we're at cb2 no

you got a great oh you got a great iceberg at cb2 you go up to someone you go isn't it crazy this is a furniture store but you can't take anything home mama any any other the meet cute options are limitless so but i go into a store around that I frequent often. And there's a bunch of staff there. Mama, they know me. I'm on the beat. You know me. I'm doing my beat.

I'm on the beat. They've seen you and they cross the street when you're coming. They know the girls. They know Miss Lady. They know Miss Woman. She's on her beat. Do you remember that woman we saw like in 2015 walking down the street covered in shit with a tit out? So with the loaf. So there was the woman with, oh, no, no no that was downtown before we had a steak dinner

You and I were in town for like season 7 We were celebrating something at a fancy steak dinner At a restaurant downtown And we saw a woman walking Sashay shantay feces on the runway Walking like runway walking But in a robe open With shit out

Nudity. Covered in actual feces. Who are you wearing? Feces. My own. And you grabbed my arm and you pinched so hard and you said, work, work, work, work. And I looked up and was like, Los Angeles for the first time was shocking. That moment, you know, and it turns out that woman, me.

Her name. That was me. It's Bella. that woman me her name that was me it's so my name is so so i'm a woman who's covered in feces i just watched the modeling episode of because you told me to watch uh mama is slapped it was funny it was funny sorry go ahead so it was mistakes by the way i'm modeling that's not true oh the episode was modeling the new, the new one, but honey. But mistakes was good too. Where's the Emmy?

So I go in. So I got another story. We got to go back to the story before it because I got my butt waxed for the first time. You can Tarantino it. You can skip him. Okay. So we're going to start at the ending. Okay. We meet for coffee in the morning for a morning date.

Good. I love that. I love it too. And we did, he came over to my house. Oh, I don't want to say this. Did he come to your house for the coffee? Well, he came to my house for the coffee because I make coffee in the morning and I had to, I had a massage at 1130 in the morning and I didn't know, I didn't know how it was going

to go. So I was like, I'm, I want to feel safe and not be late for my own massage at the home. It sounds so bougie. I'm sorry. But, uh, I late for my own massage at the home. It sounds so bougie. I'm sorry. But, uh, if you're late for a massage at your house, mama, that's crazy. That's crazy. Like if I'm driving back and I hit traffic to my own house, the guys wait, it's crazy. So he came over on the, we went up to the pergola coffee.

I made the own coffee. We had lovely chit chat, kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy. That's it. But so I got your first date. Yeah. I'm walking into the store after my butt wax, which is a whole nother, we'll save that for the other episode. Thank you very much, Tina, darling. Tina, bring me the wax. Like she, I, I, I said, I went back two minutes before they

closed and I was like, Hey, I just got my butt waxed. It was so crazy. Cause we've, I've talked to him before. We have a rapport as a customer person, you know, a salesman. He works there? Yeah. Okay. And so I said, I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. I'm vulnerable.

The good news is he can't go anywhere. He can't go anywhere. But he's like, let me walk you out because they were closing two minutes. He walks me out. I was like, listen, this is like, I don't know. I was like, whatever. I just want to tell you, I think you're so attractive and I would love to take you out sometime if you're interested. And if you're not, just let

me out. Just tell me, have a good night and I'll, and I'll have a wonderful night. And he's like, I am interested. And I think you're really attractive too. What does he look like? Who would play him? No, I'm not going to say that because then people know who he is. The important thing is that this happened in real life. I asked somebody out in real life. The rush, the excitement, and I was rock hard the whole time. I had to hold. I had to buy something. Thank God I bought something because I had to shield my huge, hard-to-messing boner. You were rock hard asking him out?

Bongos. Bong, bong, bong. Beat it up. You were rock hard asking him out? Because I am a flirting mama. My game is the pregame. All of the flirting a flirting mama. My game is the pregame. All of the flirting in real life. Your game is the pre-come.

Mama, wetness. She's wet ass. You said, and if you don't want to go out with me, I'll just slide on this snail trail right out of town. It's water country, water country. Have some fun. Boom, boom, boom. I'm out. Glass door broken.

It's crazy. Breaking the glass door. Like, whoosh, down West Hollywoodwood so the next day he comes over for breakfast or whatever and then and then mama catch the second date why don't you catch it you caught it cat shit um the uh we went long lovely stroll all around um alfred coffee a cute 48 person line at at 10 in the morning are you talking about the one on Melrose? you would think it's Black Friday every day you would think it's a methadone clinic

that has the last supply of methadone you would think it's COVID and they have toilet paper you would think that it's the only thing keeping the last person alive and they got it you would think that everyone on earth is Monet X Change and it's a pussycat wig store

you would think you would think that everyone on earth is Monet X Change and it's a pussycat wig store. You would think it's fucking Omarosa and it's the last little artifact of the actual devil on auction. Like it is just so fierce. I was like this is – That Alfred is nuts. This coffee and brunch culture is so deep and vicious down here. Y'all don't know you're getting rolled. You're getting ripped off. Do you know why it's rich? Do you know why it's rich?

Tell me. Rich people who don't work. The coffee is their job. Getting coffee and sitting is their job. All the, all the stores closed on the weekends. All the stores closed on the weekends. I was like, okay. So I, so interesting. Is this, are the all Greek drug fronts, all Armenian drug laundering places? Why are you closed on the weekend? On a Sunday? This is Strolltina. It's Strolltina and the Wockettes. Strolltina and the Wockettes.

Yeah. Closed because people don't have jobs. Because Melrose is really busy on weekends. It is. I know, girl. It was 48 people in line for me to get my little heart car fee. I know. Well, there's also an Alfred in Hollywood.

Did you know that? There's an Alfred closer to here. But there's an Alfred in my kitchen. Bloop. But There's an Alfred closer to us. But there's an Alfred in my kitchen. But there's an Alfred closer to us. Oh man, there's an Alfred in my kitchen.

It's called me. I'm not a coffee person, but if I was, and this is all, you know, my therapist told me not to speak in hypotheticals, but I'm doing it now.

I heard. Why don't you speak in hypodermicals? I think that I would make coffee at home. Yes! But I would have the most overwrought, tricked out, masturbatory coffee setup. But you know what though?

I would make it good. And also it's not, my brother recently purchased one. He's not a rich man, but he do be loving his coffee. And that motherfucker makes artisanal, delicious, nasty fucking coffee. There's this guy on Instagram that i you whack it i watch his real whack it too you i watch you sex pervert he's basically naked he wears a starbucks um a thing you see he's dingling through the apron you see he's dingling through he'll put out like a coffee cup fill it with coffee reach under the apron pull out ice cubes from like his crotch. Put milk in his mouth.

If he comes in it, I'm going to kill you. He'll spit the milk in the coffee and then serve it to the camera. And you know what I would do? Yeah. You know what I would do? I would drink it. You know what I would do? Which you don't see the next part of the video is me taking him to a clinician for a supportive

referral and then locking him in the loony bin and me pulling down my pants and going. No, good for him. Good for him. good for him. If you find a way to make compelling content that doesn't technically sexually break the laws of Instagram, I think it's pretty impressive. Because you know Instagram loves... They do love to be shutting down the butthole machines. Let's go to my Instagram right now.

What about her? What about Miss Butt Sweat Stain? What about Miss... Hello? Oh, I have a pair of pants for you that you left at my house that look just like this. You do? Yeah, there's a vape in the pocket. You can't believe there's a vape? There's a vape in the pocket.

Oh, that's a psychedelic vape. Don't you? Oh, I almost hit it because I thought it was weed and I thought twice. No, you'd be fine because you don't drive, but you can't drive on that shit. Oh, I would have driven. Oh, you would have driven. It would have made me drive. You would have driven Cheryl Crow back to that bar.

If you go to tag photos, all the tag photos on my Instagram are women's butts. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebody said mine are porn too. So if, but, but if you're straight, you can basically show whole, but if you're gay on Instagram and you even show like a nipple and it's slightly sexual, you do get banned. Well, I think everybody should be banned from instagram like this is on instagram and no one says anything but what's there to say you can't see their anal you can't see the pucker of their balloon knots but you can see it's in bio

like this is spam account obviously oh it's oh what about this what about engagement bait what about twitter accounts that literally just post they're masquerading as like cultural critics or like art accounts or anything, but they exist solely to present hypotheticals about movies or art or whatever that are just to get you to engage because they're stupid. They just want to fight. Oh, I think they should go straight to hell. Like, for example example it'll be like this is a church in from 1462 this is a mega church in Dallas in 1962

why would you ever do this when you can do that the argument is so pointless and stupid but it gets people so angry that they're like well and then they make money off of that Mary I was just talking to a comic about this I was talking about to a comic about this. I was talking about like for standup, the real money is being a Christian comic.

These mega churches pay you to come to Christian comedy. To be a survivor in this amazing race with a need for speed, you need God's grace. And you also need to suck my pussy lips through my sweatpants. You fucking, you stupid bitch. Christian comics getting paid out to go do like a Christian college, let's say. It's pretty crazy. It makes sense though. But mama, Joel Osteen, how about scamtina.com slash take everybody's money? Who's Joel Osteen?

The biggest grifter in the history of human. Look it up, Ms. Marquez. Joel Osteen is a mega church pastor who has in Houston, I believe who is a maybe billionaire probably absolutely multi-millionaire grifter pastor uh publishes books leads a huge mega church he has a cult christian cult leader he's the tammy faye baker type but uh but a slick is he just like a church person who sells more stuff than other church people, basically? Why does he have money?

And don't pay no fucking taxes, bitch. I know. It's crazy. No, it's, it's unethical. It's immoral.

But why are we acting like it's not for profit? It's, it is by definition for profit. And there ain't nothing religious. There ain't nothing. There ain't nothing Christian about this motherfucker. Cause i know could you and i mean i know legally could you and i start a church and then just be non-profit not that i would uh it would take it would take it would it would be hard but there are so for example in terms of new things there are there

is a psychedelic um exemption because of a uh because of a tax break for a new church that I believe is maybe Brazilian. So they can legally administer ayahuasca because it is a sacrament in their church. Okay, so that's legal. So they're allowed a tax or a legal exemption to do this because it is literally, and not scam, scam Tina E. I'm going to make a for local church. Mama, talk about it.

Well, wine, you don't have to be 18 years old to drink the blood of christ boop really no i drank it when i was 11 when first lutherans use grape kool-aid as the blood of christ that's right and vanilla wafers the body you know i mean jesus was white after all jesus was white he was a white man you know he wasn't people think that jesus is like white with blonde hair do they really i'm I'm thinking, honey, they know it. Not blonde hair with brown. He was like a chestnut. Wasn't he in Israel?

I think he had balayage down. Wasn't he in Israel? He probably looked like, I don't know. He might have looked something like Kumail Nanjiani. I mean, he was a Middle Eastern man. Mesopotamia. Santa's not real, and people also believe he's white. Okay, I'm going to fight you on that.

I'm going to fight you. I know we have a podcast about just boop-boop-boop, but let's not get into crazy fake news. Let's not get into crazy fake news, Mama. Santa is real. Is this the holiday episode? Is it? Mama, I know you have your little weird Midwestern opinions, but don't thrust your Santa's not real bullshit on me.

No, no, no. Right now I'm shopping for my house and you know I'm gay and I like a theme. Okay. All right. Now we're just a UFO podcast now. But I like a holiday theme. Okay. I like a holiday theme.

Okay. And I'm thinking this year we're going to do pastel candy land like for holiday decorations. Okay. And I did choose, I was happy that Neiman Marcus had several. Drop the name, sis. Drop it on the floor. Well, they had not white Santas and not white nutcrackers, not white, lots of things. Because they're woke heathens who don't know historical truth. Santa was white. Ariel was white.

Well, then I thought if I buy a deep skin nutcracker, are my black friends going to laugh at me when they walk in my house? First, you need to get a black friend. Shut up! No, no. Second, they'd be like, okay, Miss Woke Tina, what you trying to prove? You got some money? Give me reparations. No, I'll be like, well, just so you know, that's actually a white nutcracker who's in a tanning phase.

White cracker. Cracky. White crackhead in a tanning phase. A white foot cracker. Hold on because I got your holiday gift right now. I'm very excited to be decorating this year. I keep showing David stuff and he has almost no opinion on what I should buy, but I know once it arrives and goes up in the house, he is going to let me know exactly what he thinks of every part of it. So it's kind of a lose-lose game with the holiday decorations. But I want to do like peppermints.

And Mary, I nut for a Christmas village. I'm on the hunt for a very good Christmas village. What are you, nuts? I want little ceramic houses, candles, tiny trees. Is this really for me? Yeah, for your new holiday gift. I want to do my part to make sure that your house

turns into a home. Thank you so much. Let's see. I'm going to open the other one because it's a dingleberry. You do kind of one for me, one for you holiday. No, no, no, no, no.

They're a set. They're a set. It's a set. It's like a set. I didn't, I didn't even, I didn't, I'm going to be honest. I got you. No, I don't want anything.

Oh, thank you That's something I already have That's so sweet I'll just Venmo you For your kitchen? I mean for your living room Those are beautiful Are they pretty?

Cause you know Where did you get these? They match my house perfectly I'd never tell I'll never tell my secrets My shopping secrets What for you and David? Clink clink These are beautiful Are these glasses? I'll never tell. I'll never tell my secrets, my shopping secrets. What for you and David?

Are these glasses? I think they are. Be careful. Yeah, they're glass. Yeah. These are beautiful. Where did you get these? I don't know.

The only store open on Melrose, literally. A chalice. Oh, wait, there's more. A chalice. This is so nice. For the blood of Christ. If you can't see at home, I just unwrapped these beautiful pink and green Murano glass wine glasses.

They're so pretty. Wow. I didn't deserve any of this. There's two more. There's two more. Oh, I love this. Oh, I'm so gay. Like, I'm so gay.

Oh, I love this. Are, I'm so gay. Like, I'm so gay. Oh, I love this. Are you kidding? Are these double J? Where did you get these? I don't know. I don't know. Melody Rose, made in England. Acts of Daring, it's called. Aren't they cute, though, for your thingy?

It's like, catch me if you can. You know I have a place setting for eight. This is for me, mama. Oh, when you come over and cut it. I hate your china. I go through hell using your china. These are, I guess, are these acrobats? A trapeze me, mama. Oh, you come over and cut it. I hate your china. I go through hell using your china. These are, I guess, are these acrobats? A trapeze artist, yeah.

On plates. These are beautiful. That's pretty, right? This is really nice. Thank you. I probably will hang these on the wall. Whatever you want. I'm going to put them back in the wrapping because I was so stressed out about them breaking.

I want to do plates on the wall in my kitchen. I think you should do, mama, you should do, what do you call it? Steel plates from people's heads that you kill. You know when you kill all them oldies? They got steel plates in their head. Old people do? Yeah, because they've been in a car accident and they talk funny. You got to shoot them.

And then you just do. Nope. Thank you so much. These are beautiful. I can't believe you got me these. Well, to that effect, so I've been struggling with money a little bit lately. Do you think you could give me a loan? Look how cute that looks.

We're both, God, the accent. That's beautiful. I'm trying to really go hard with the holiday thing. And, you know, I've had a pink tree a few times. Yes, you have. I've never had a white tree. Do you like white trees? Well, because silver or white?

I love, yeah. Because you can go any- Not silver, white. Do you like white trees, white plastic trees? I do, yeah. I do too. Because you can go any color story. Do you like flocked?

Velvet? Which is when, no, flocked when it has fake, it's a green tree with fake snow on it. Is that corny? I don't know. I have a fake green tree that I love. I think I want to go natural green tree this time, pre-lit. With pine needles?

Real pine needles? No, no, no. Fake natural color, pre-lit. Oh, that's what I have. Yeah, the lights came with it. That's nice. Because who the fuck wants to wrap? I remember wrapping the lights around the tree as a kid.

It sucked. Look to your left. There are zero people who want to put lights around a tree because it's so unheated and meticulous my auntie gooch is always like we want a real tree i'm like why i know you whores barely vacuum mama say it again i'm gonna get a pine needle in my mama in your dick hole thank you in your weenie hole in the weenieie hole. Jessica. You know what used to happen to us? We cut down real trees in the woods and then drag it in. And sometimes there'd be animals living in them. And we find out later.

Because at night the bat would fly out of the tree and fly around the house. We had a bat in the house. I know this. I've told this story before. And it bit me in the basement. Never recovered. That's why you were a vampire teenager. And also, I told you about the cat shit worm shoelace thing.

I picked up a pair of shoelaces on the dark stairs in the basement. They were worms from the cat's ass. Goodbye and thank you so much for listening. Have a wonderful day. We'll see you next week. I have retold that story. I've never heard that. Oh, you have. You blocked it out. You blocked it out.

Well, listen, you know what makes a great holiday gift? You can get your friends and loved ones tickets to see ball in the beautiful life although i'll tell you guys we are about 98 sold out every single night of the tour so and if you get a ticket for a friend you whores might have to sit separate and then one one one last thing i'm sorry i um i i did i wasn't lying about my injury it's not a it wasn't a stress fracture, but it was a, a very serious strain that could easily have turned into a sprain or a stress fracture. And my doctor confirmed that. So I did the right thing. And I'm sorry, you had to reschedule. Honestly, like honestly, honestly, when I sprained my foot, I learned that sprains can be worse than breaks as far as long-term

damage. And do you know how I sprained my foot jerking off? I slipped on my Gucci slide and fell out of a star wagon. There was absolutely no sympathy. There was no sympathy. It's like, it's like she's everybody. It's like, she's every girl. Every girl.

I was leaving the set for brother versus brother. That, that, that property brother show. that everybody does. No, the PAs were like, are you okay?

That looked really bad. And I was like, I'm fine. And you're like, and it got in the car and I was like, I'm not fine. Yeah. And I was so embarrassed that I like limped away.

Anyway. Yeah. It's, it's both on that. No, Gucci to send me a little money. Yeah. I was so embarrassed that I like limped away. Anyway. Yeah. It's on that note. I expect Gucci to send me a little money. Mama. I expect, um, I expect and Gooch to come and fuck me.

Gucci. Bye. Bye.