The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - It's a TWISTER! with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

We here at BALD, LLC, including our main counsel Henry Z. Winkleschmiggens IV, Esq., would like to take this opportunity to clear the air regarding the rampant online rumors surrounding Trixie Mattel and Helen Hunt's fictional father in 1996's epic action movie Twister. Is Dr. Jo Harding's father, who was literally sucked into a massive tornado whilst trying to hold a makeshift shelter's door closed in 1969, actually Trixie Mattel's father? If true, that would mean that Trixie is Helen Hunt's fictional sibling, and therefore heir to the Hunt's Ketchup fortune? The answer, devoted listeners of the pod, is "Yes." Trixie is, indeed, Helen Hunt's fictional brother, and therefore privy to all the rights and privileges contained therein. Visit https://LELO.com now for exclusive discounts on luxury intimacy products, and use code BALD10 at checkout for an additional 10% off your purchase! DRIVE AWAY DOLLS is only in theaters now! Visit https://DriveAwayDollsMovie.com to get tickets now! Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What if I did this? Yeah. They do that. When I'm working, I'm usually not in a wig. These can fit over the head. Do you do this when you DJ? Like a doctor. Which doctor would that be?

Like a stethoscope. Oh, right. Is that... Dr. Dre. Dr. Monica DeMonaco of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland. You gotta watch Soap Dish.

I've seen it. I keep telling you I've seen it. Okay, well, that's our first topic. We've talked about it For years Don't you remember You used to go

David David David And we would talk About Soap Dish Don't you remember We would talk about Taking When Whoopi takes Sally Fields to the mall

To feel famous Don't you remember All the times We talked about Thinking fucking gay yesterday Never seen Soap Dish Bitch Okay

I need you to calm down David Mason has never seen Soap Dish And that's the one blind spot In his huge category Think of fucking gay yesterday. Never seen soap dish. Okay. I need you to calm down. David Mason has never seen soap dish. And that's the one blind spot in his huge category. His huge catalogs of references. Usually people who look like him, usually they lost a few years in the 2000s, let's say. The 90s. The 90s. It was 1992, I think.

Yeah. Things get muddy. Rory doll. We got these in Mexico. People kept giving these to us. The internet says they're supposed to protect you from evil. And after about our eighth one, I said, what do you know? What's coming down the pike?

Pike. Pike. What's coming down the pike? After the eighth one, it's supposed to protect you. I'm like. From evil? No, honey. But this is like the 10th one.

I know, that's crazy. Gabriel sent me one. This was from a, like, we got like three of one. I know, that's crazy. Gabriel sent me one. This was from a... We got like three of these. DTM, doing too much. DTM. What if I wanted a doll to protect myself from evil? I have the Yangabang doll you got me in like 2018.

Which is the essence of pure evil. Yeah. And I have the little... You know that comes with a little Katya. And she was on the floor yesterday. Honey, what does she know? I walked through the hallway and kicked her. What does she know?

I kicked her clear across the apartment. I didn't even realize until she was flying through the air That's like Michael Jordan He didn't even realize until he was flying through the air But I gotta say something about this worry doll She's got her own worries Look at that leg Look at that penis

Just kidding That's herniated disc She's got L5 and l6 all jumbled up down there put her down here worry doll worry don't worry doll so wait soap dish horrible horribly transphobic ending um really really shocking a forced re-transition and then sent to florida milton moorhead from siass at long island hollow remember that one? Yes. Nurse Nan is, is outed as being, uh, uh, uh, not Montana Moorhead, but Milton Moorhead. Yes. Spoiler alert, huge spoiler by the way, but yeah, a spoiler that comes out of nowhere because at that point saying a woman was born a man was,

it was enough. It was the whole joke and that was enough. However, to, to the credit of the writers, which is very little, uh, Robert Jr.'s character who is courting Miss Moorhead was like, Milton? Yeah, well, that's. Not good. Not dead naming. We're not doing that. But it's not the crying game. It's the laughing game.

It's the curious game. Yeah. It's the. What does she want to know? I think I would have rewritten it as she sent to Broadway. Do you know what I mean? She goes up. I mean, they don't use the T slur in that.

They say she was a man. She's a boy. I don't even think that slur was circulated enough for people to even know. No. Gary Marshall said, she's a boy. It might have been, honestly, before it was a slur. It was pre-T word. Well, not pre-T word, of course, but it was not used at all.

It was not used at all. I don't mean to be a doctor on these things, but certain words, when you and I started doing drag, that was my sister. That word, honey, you're my sister, we're in this together. Yes. And I do think a lot of times they turn into slurs because of the way straight people use

them. Of course. And once it becomes like a, a fetishizing 3am porn hub search, the girls are like, no thanks. You know, but that's the thing though.

No, it was a way to search. You actually fucked with their livelihood a lot of ways because if you take that, uh, the T word away, there's no search word for them to, to get paid. Right. You know what I mean? So they

have to, they have to resort to things like shemale and things like that, which are like even weirder, weirder, weirder. But I was just talking to this with a friend of mine of the women of a generation of mine or older, they didn't care about the T word girl. They did not, they were not plucked at all. They did not care. No, they did not care. It was not an issue. It's the young, it's the youngsters, which I'm not going to be like, okay,

boomer. No, no, of course. If, if listen, if you're a queer person tells me I'm not supposed to say that, I won't say it.

I'm fine to not say it. Really? I mean, as a public figure. Yes. Yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes. That's true. Don't place my language. It would be odd to walk up to, let's say a trans woman, our age or older and tell them what they're supposed to call themselves. Good luck to you. You know what I mean?

Like, I wouldn't want to be in the room during that. As a white man, I reserve that right to tell anybody. To tell everyone what they should be called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse your mouth. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you. Honestly. You're welcome. You know, we were just in Mexico. Yes. Which, by the way, anybody who's in Richmond, Atlanta, third time's a charm. We are coming.

Mama, Missy Elliot is to blame. She can't stand the rain, and neither could that Delta plane. Flights canceled. I landed in LA that day, and it was like... We're having weather. I couldn't believe we were going to land. Everybody here was like, it's a monsoon.

That's right. Cause it is funny that the cars and planes in LA, when there's rain, people are like, they're like, we can't, we lose our sight. We are blinded.

I think in Milwaukee, I, a plane would take off in two feet of snow. Boston. Same. Not even concerned. You would have to have a tornado and we didn't have those. So there were no canceled flights. Yeah.

Boston, 10 feet of snow. You ever be through a tornado? I wish like Helen Hunt. I was once. Did you know this? We never talked about this. I was once. Honey.

And it wasn't even in the Midwest. Are you fucking with me right now? Are you fucking with me right now? I was like seven. Are you fucking with me right now? Are you fucking with me right now? I was like seven years old. It was the 90s. Are you fucking with me? No. My grandparents took my brother and I to Disney World because my cousins, they were more wealthy, so they got to go to Disney all the time. Yes.

So my grandparents were like, we're going to take you kids down to Florida. So we get in this green ford explorer drive from wisconsin to florida you drove to florida you fucking crazy people cheaper than flying at the time i'd never flown you know oh it was tough uh me and my brother at the time take about three weeks hated in a car like oh right nobody was more over my brother than me you would think that I was the older brother. Cause he was like straight and five years older than me. And all he wanted to do was rough house and like fish and watch football.

And I was like, oh, I relate. He used to, I think I remember that trip listening to my headphones, my CD player. Where were you listening? What was on the CD?

The Spice Girls. Okay. And I remember he used to call it my girlfriend music. He'd be like, you listen to your little girlfriend music. He was right. Yeah. And I remember he used to call it my girlfriend music. I love that. He'd be like, you listening to a little girlfriend music? He was right. Yeah. Girl power.

One of the PT people I've been seeing, because you know I'm in collapse. Free fall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in a free fall. Is that Prince Ted? Prince Ted? Or Princess Tiffany? PT.

Oh, oh. Princess Tiffany. Poodie Tang. Poodie Tang. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The music they were playing was kind of going off. It was a lot of like Daft Punk, a lot of like,

I was like, you know, watch the elbow though. What's this one? Yeah. Which by the way, I got to tell you about that too. Medical updates.

She's not hyperextended at all. It's getting, it's giving, it's getting a little better. It's giving better. Is she, I do roll the tapes. I got a cortisol shot in the elbow bitch i know but you wouldn't look like a pansy well i can still do this um we could talk about needles in the joints in a second abba

comes on don't go wasting your time but lay all your love on me and i'm like you know let me i'm my little band i'm doing my little PT. Most pathetic person there. I doubt that. I go, I'm trying to make a conversation. I go, ABBA. And the PT is like, I go, love it. And he was like, what's ABBA?

And I said, this is ABBA. Swedish pop group. I started listening to all the songs. He's like, okay. And then two songs later, Say You'll Be There came on, which is, I think, the best Spice Girl song. I love that fucking song. I love that song. It's pretty low BPM.

It's pretty like a slow song kind of. It's so good. It's so cunty. It's amazing. Syrupy. Love it. Love. And not to give credit, but you know, the Spice Girls wrote their own music, which is

pretty impressive. Get the fuck out of here. Tornado, who cares? They at least wrote first drafts of it. Like they wrote on every song, which I don't think enough people talk about. It's pretty cool. I've never heard that before in my life. I thought they were, I thought they were a produced pop confection.

They were, but they still, you don't know the story. Tornado. Let's stay on track. Tornado. Tornado. Okay. We're at, we stop at a diner in like chattanooga or something on the way home lady bunny's house uh it's tornado tornado bad so we

get off the road and we're we're in a diner and the waitress looking out the window it's a lot of windows like a waffle house style diner yeah and it's like flat you could see for um sky is like almost blue you know when it's that dark it's like blue um like gray okay gray and then it's like flat. You could see for, um, skies like almost blue. You know what? It's that dark. It's like blue. Um, like gray. Okay.

Great. And then it's like, we start to see the shingles peel off the fucking diner and start flying away. That's how windy it is. The shingles are starting. We start being like, what are those? Those birds?

Oh my God. That's the roof. Windy breeze. So the server comes out and she goes, all right. Um, I remember her voice cracking and me being like holy shit because she was like all right um everybody away from the windows

and we all move away from the windows then we go into like the basement of this diner we wait down there till it's over isn't that crazy and i remember being a kid being like well at least we're at the like the waffle house i wonder if they can do crepes like we survived but like seeing seeing shingles come off and that's all that happened was shingles came off. That's enough for me. But I'm saying like cars didn't blow away. It was a cows flying by. Well,

we lost shingles, which that was scary. The shingles coming out of the building. You didn't see, you weren't, your dad wasn't there. How do you know you're not Helen Hunt? Cause her dad got swept up in a,

in a, in a tornado and she became a tornado chaser because of that. So I don't know. Is Twister the new contact? They're kind of, well, there's, they're kind of the fluid.

Oh, no, no, no. There's a Twister. It's a Twister has like earthquake sister. Do you know how the disaster movies always come in pairs? Like a volcano in a,

in a Twister or like a, a hurricane and a snowstorm. You know what I mean? It does. Like they come in pairs. Those movies. Yeah. Oh, it's like, I think it was like 2012 and the day after tomorrow. Exactly. Why do they do that? Because they're, they're, they're stupid. I don't know. Why have one movie and have two twice the price? People love disaster movies. 2012 scared the shit out of me. Mama, the tsunami movie with Miss Naomi Watts. Did

you catch that? No. The tsunami that took place in 2012, I believe, in Thailand. Oh, yeah. The ultimate deep blue sea. The super smart sharks. LL Cool J with the parrot? J-Lo. Oh, Anaconda was the other one. J-Lo's Anaconda. You're right. It's true. It's like you got snakes, you got sharks, you got... We've never seen those

two movies in the same room at the same time. But then they tried to really yank it off with the Meg too, under the trench where they got everybody. They got volcanoes, they got earthquakes, they got snakes, lizards,

sharks, they got pterodactyls, they got King Kong. It's like the Marvel universe from under the sea via the little mermaid. Yeah. It's a little too, it's DTM doing too much. Did you like Meg?

No, I watched the shit out of it. Of course I did. And then I watched Meg too, under the trench or under Trench or Miss Trench Bull starring Jason Statham. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the Dawn movie. Meg. Oh, Megan.

Megan. Sorry. You got it. Mama. I was like, Jason. Mary, let me tell you something about straight people. Wait. Okay.

The tornado's done. Jason Statham. Wait. Hold on. I want to stay on track though because we're jumping all over the place. You're so crazy. We would never do that. That's the tornado story. That's it. Jason stayed though. Wait, hold on. I want to stay on track though, because we're jumping all over the place. You're so crazy. We would never do that. That's the tornado story.

That's it. It was incredible. I was really young. And I just remember the voice of the diner waitress being like, you know, from the windows. The shingles. Yeah. That's chilling.

Because the windows were, it was like someone was banging on the wind. They were like the glass. You could see the glass moving. Mama, that is terrifying. That's a terrifier, part four. I think I was actually too young to be terrified enough. I was like.

Yeah. It was like when a bat bit me downstairs. Yeah. Tea? A bat bit you? Yeah. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

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I've been doing family trees. I've been doing psychoanalysis. I've been talking to friends and family, all family. Going back, doing the timelines and going back into the childhood. RuPaul back to my roots. Yes. Red hot. Black hair. Yes. Red hot. Yeah.

Black hair. I love red hot. Do you? Did you know RuPaul? Cover girl was 1994. When I did Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous, I was like, I don't really know RuPaul's early career timeline. Okay.

So I deep digged it, deep dived. Yeah. Deep dug. 1994 was supermodel. Or 1995, one of the two. Red hot was not for a decade later. Oh wow. Really?

It's like a whole 10 years. RuPaul was just, she did some talk shows and stuff, but she was down and out in Beverly Hills. Yeah. And even like looking good, feeling gorgeous. Those weren't as big of hits, but it's,

it's crazy. Cause I thought supermodel was so big. It was probably just like success, success, but it really, no, she had, she had real ebb and flow to her

career that she talks about quite a bit. It's like she was struggling. Yeah. Same with Michelle and I love it's very encouraging. Yeah. Because I always worry about work stuff. I don't know if you ever felt that. No, not when I'm not really what is it worrying? I need to be more like you. How do you spell that? I was just telling them

today. Who would play her? She's had it figured out. There's nothing cute about losing sleep about work, overworking, your body being in pain from work. There's nothing cute about it. There's nothing cute about it. There's nothing admirable about it. There's nothing virtuous about it. No. Thank you.

That's a revelation on the positive. I was talking to my friend about hypervigilance, a quality that my mother and I used to share. It's just it's just, you know, hyper, you always, cause if you think about it, sleepless nights, anxiety, worry, they're very natural. They're very natural. You should not, the eight hour uninterrupted sleep cycle is something that is unnatural. Sure. Because we're not meant historically, we have to, we do worry and we do stay up and we have disturbed sleep because of, you know, biological evolutionary reasons. But like when you were able to kind of get this under control, this life situation, it's really nothing to worry about.

Well, that being said, there's one thing that I woke up in a panic the other day and I was like, money for the first time since 32 years old. But I had the freedom from the fear of economic insecurity, which I found out is it has nothing to do with having money. Nothing to do with having money. Suzy Orman on the women in money podcast says money is supposed to make you feel more comfortable. Yeah. So if you have more of it,

but it's making you more uncomfortable. More money, more problems. It's supposed to make you feel secure. Yeah. And most people get more money and get more insecure, which makes no sense. Yeah. So if you have more of it, but it's making you more uncomfortable. More money, more problems. It's supposed to make you feel secure. Yeah. And most people get more money and get more insecure, which makes no sense. Yeah. I mean, I was the happiest of my life when I was poor and owed $20,000 to my employer and it was on a payment plan. The most free from it I've ever been. Cause you were like, it is what it is. It is what it is. And also I was like, I can't go to the movies. It's not an option. I can't buy to the movies it's not an option i can't buy this thing it's not an option and i was like i had a singleness of purpose and i was like this is my

mission i had enough but now here's the thing though i had enough to live which is the big that's the big key because i was talking to my brother we grew up with not with everything we needed but not everything we wanted sure which. Which is a very important distinction. Do you know what I mean? Like economically, you guys probably didn't have enough. I'm assuming. No,

but no, but I didn't even really realize till later. Yeah. Cause it was always not enough. You think like that's normal. It's not, it's not normal. And it is,

there's a tremendous shame around that level of poverty, but we didn't have bells and whistles, but we had everything we needed. We didn't have cars. No, we of poverty, but we didn't have bells and whistles, but we had everything we needed. We didn't have cars. Nobody had a car. We didn't have computers. Nobody had a computer. It was too much money.

Do you know what I mean? It was wild, but we were always taken care of. We always had food. We always had access to physical activity and access to education, but we did not have a lot of money. We got a computer, which makes sense because... One computer, a family computer. What do poor people love to do? Spend money on something they do not have a lot of money. We got a computer, which makes sense because. One computer, a family computer.

What do poor people love to do? Spend money on something they do not have the money for. So like we had a computer, but we didn't have a lot of basic things, which I think back and I'm like. Like what? Like what, for example? Well, I remember like not going on field trips because like. Same.

I remember a roller skating field trip was $12 and I remember like. Oh shit. Being like, okay, well we're not going. Okay. That's really poor. I'm like, I just think back and be like, there's things we had. I think, let's just say when Christmas came along, my mom, whatever I asked for, I got what we still, we had, you know, a car that barely ran.

We all lived in a trailer, but my mom was like, you will get that toy for Christmas, which I appreciate. That's incredible. I think that's good. It's amazing. Yeah. I mean, looking back, I'm like, shouldn't we have had dental? But like,

I didn't ask for dental for Christmas. I asked for a Furby bitch. And if you would have showed up with a fucking dentist, you'd be like, I love, we'll see. We got braces and they were $3,000. That's a lot of fucking money.

In 1996, which is what? 12,000. Honestly. Yeah. With inflation, probably. Yeah. Up there. And I,000? Honestly? Yeah, with inflation? Probably. Yeah, up there.

And I loved every minute. Mama, every dollar of those chompers. I felt every inch of those dollars on my teeth. I loved three years of it. I want to get them again. Lately, I've been having... Do you want to get them with me? Braces?

Yeah. No. You would look so cunt with drag with braces. I had a business line for 38 weeks. Girl, ain't nobody caring about that. Lately I've been having. Do you want to get them with me? Braces? Yeah. No. You would look so cunt. I had a business line for 38 weeks. Girl, ain't nobody caring about that. Well, queen of flips. What about her?

Braces. But, but I thought. She's the queen of flips. She flips around. Her Instagram is queen of flips. Okay. That's why I call her queen of flips. Oh.

Did you know that Tammy calls Eureka big fat baby? Because of, Tammy picks her own like. Yeah. Pet names. I'm Trixie Pixie Wixie big fat baby. Yeah. I was like, does she know you call her that? She was like, yeah, she knows I call her big fat baby because of tammy picks her own like yeah i'm trixie pixie wixie big fat baby yeah i was like does she know you call her that she was like yeah she knows i call her big fat baby lady benny calls me ratia coming from her do you feel like you got knighted yes wait can i look at my oh music. First item on my agenda is music. Do you want to get in a rap battle?

It makes me lose control. Oh, yeah, of course. No, I'm working on music. Good for you. The people have clamored. I didn't ask. No, they didn't want. They did not desire.

Yeah, they're going to get, yeah. It's great. It's devil music, Miri. It's, I'm working on it i guess you'd call it an album it's not going to be on a cd but it's um we're doing a cover of the electric hellfire club um a cover of anton lave's honolulu baby the church of satan she checked out and then um a cover of the most famous russian song ever recorded called a million red roses. And it's,

it's so scary. It's so scary. Like you're going to put up for Halloween. No, we're going to put out for, um, as soon as we can probably like March, maybe more,

I don't know, April, something like that. But, um, it's all, it's so scary. Scary. Are you doing video content?

Oh yes. Oh yes. But it's good. I hate making music. Well, this is a little different. We're making an exercise video. Oh.

Fitness and fun. Can I hear some of it sometime? Oh, yeah. I got three demos on my phone. Yeah, send them out to me. I'm going to play them for you later. Yeah. It's scary.

Maybe Tomaso will give me the project and let me remix it. Freelance. I won't accept any money. I would love that. Especially Honolulu, baby. And we could leak it. We could do it on Instagram Live and you could cry that it got leaked. Yes.

Cry and pat my bloody tears. Oh my God. I love that. But it's going to be, it's so fun. Working with them is like the funnest thing in the world. It's so fun. I cannot, I can't get, I have to emotionally down regulate. Ashley, Ashley Levy.

Ash Gordon. Ash Gordon. Yes, Ash Gordon, who's written, we had songs together and she's written some of my music. The diva. The diva. And Tomas, I think he's like not embarrassed, but he's of the band Diffuser. If you guys are millennial and on, he has a framed copy of the Freaky Friday soundtrack because I had that cd and

i was like oh my god you were in diffuser and he's a horror nut like a huge horror nut and we've been bonding over that and i actually he was at the board uh the other day arranging the um the vocals for this track and watching football on four screens and um and he's just so like i i've i've never related or like bonded with a straight man the way that i have with him it's so it's so uh interesting yeah he's fierce he's so potty mouth of course yeah they'll be like we'll be working on a track and he'll be like this shit sounds fucking good bit yeah like i mean we went on a rant about nancy pelosi's big huge tan italian gilfie breasts it was cunty a gilfie coast yeah she said me a gilfie coast. It was cunty. Via Gilfie Coast. Yeah.

She said via Gilfie Coast. The Gilf Coast. Off the coast of Mexico, Miss Nancy Pelosi is sunning her breasts. Oh, I've never missed the soundboard until just now. You know what I mean? I forgot about the sound. It needed the creepy one.

I don't know why. She was, Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, spotted on the Gilf Coast with her huge tan Italian breasts out. Lauren Boebert was nearby jerking it. Lauren Boebert ran by on a razor scooter and put two clothespins on each of Nancy's nipples.

And Nancy got up and said, what? She said, January 6th, this pussy. Oh. Well. And where were you? Did you watch the Bob and Maddie rap battle? We need to talk about Kevin. Oh, well. And where were you? I was doing. Did you watch the Bob and Maddie rap battle? We need to talk about Kevin.

Rap fighting. Kevin, AKA Maddie. Fighting through the art of rap. Maddie Morphosis. I did not watch that season, full disclosure. I think I was on the pit stop for it. Thank you. And I watched your pit stop with Maddie

and I was struck first of all, by how stunning she is. Great. She does. And she's so funny. And I know every, I, what I learned from that episode is everybody's late to the party on the

Maddie train. You know, what's funny. I think at first, cause she was straight. Everyone's like, yeah, but let me tell you,

if being gay was a precursor to good drag, that's not the world we live in. Bitch. Do you know how many faggots suck at drag? Thank you. Thank you know how many faggots suck at drag, bitch? Thank you. Do you know the gayest person? Sexuality is no indication of your goodness of drag.

I hate to be that girl, but I have an audio that I sent you that I think goes along with the Maddie conversation that we need to listen to. Let's do it. My old cock. Okay, wait. Hold on. This is it. Gays that don't do drag love to be like, I just know I would eat on RuPaul's Drag Race.

What part? You can't do makeup. You can't walk in heels. We're watching you struggle to step touch in the club. Your wardrobe is full of sheen. You can't afford the runway. You haven't told a joke successfully since I've known you. Like, what part of rupaul's drag race do you think you'd be successful in you're not you're scared of confrontation you wouldn't

even be good and untucked be so real with yourself when you're watching this be so real and be thankful that we have enough talented drag queens in the world to make for such a great show be so real with yourself gays that she she left no fucking crumbs but that's peter toto on tiktok and i was like you're right i don't think the gay guys have the nerve to say it around like you or me no i think when other drag queens aren't around they go like right i would eat yeah no you wouldn't no you would it would go in your mouth and you would cough on it choke it like a salty cracker with nary a glass of water around. Yeah.

I don't know what it is about drag that makes people, it's the I can do that-ism. You don't watch Top Chef and go, I could cook that. Let's see you do a fucking winged liner, you cunt. No, I can't even do it. Ask any woman if they can. I can't do symmetrical brows. Yeah.

Okay. Let's get a glue stick and put you in a saw trap and see what happens. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. They don't understand the level of, um, the, the level of jack of all trade of it all. And the master of none, like they look at all the parts and they're like, well, yeah, but they don't really see that. Like, um, many of these skills require 10 to 15 years to approach mastery. Yeah. We speak like broken English in like five languages in drag.

Yeah. We sew a little. We dance a little. We do comedy a little. There are people whose entire lives are dedicated to sewing lace. I know. Do you know what I mean? When it comes to one little thing, they're like, okay, I'm an expert installer of zippers.

That's their entire career. I know. You know what I mean? There's like. That's why when you see drag Queens, when they walk away, if they made the costume, they're usually wearing long hair.

Oh yeah. Because if they've got four way stretch and they do a zipper on it, it goes like a dinosaur spine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, yeah.

How would you, how would you fix that bias tape? No, what you do is you, you have to pull the, um, as you sew the zipper on first of all, you can't do an invisible,

but as you sew the zipper on, you have to pull the, um pull the, as you sew the zipper on, first of all, you can't do an invisible, but as you sew the zipper on, you have to pull the fabric as you sew it. But you have to pull it at the same tension on each side. So it's very, very difficult to do, but you have to, so you have to pin it, of course. Yeah. And it's still, you have to. Just pin the shit out of it. Pin the shit out of it and you got to measure, you have to, and then you got to dart the shit out of it. Yeah.

You got to dart the back so that it hugs to the body and is more of a body contact. I hate when it's the butt and the shoulders and it's like a fabric tent. My favorite thing is to do two fierce darts with a zigzag. Oh, it's cunty. I've seen you do it. Yeah, I love. I mean, I love it. Sewing stretched is no joke. It's not easy. No. I learned to

sew from a flat patterning book. I never learned that. So that's how I learned was I made a pattern of my bodice, pattern of my bottom, and then I made like three sleeves, two skirts, and I just Lego mixed and matched. So that's how I learned was I made a pattern of my bodice, pattern of my bottom and then I made like three sleeves, two skirts and I just Lego mix and match. And that was nice because I built it for my real measurements. So everything fit perfect but I

never used stretch. And drag queens are always like, it's so easy, you just trace your body. Years later when I started using stretch, it can go very awry. Of course, because also the fabric can be slippery just if you don't, because I don't, I don't pinch it. I don't pinch it. So I like, I know this

I do everything wrong, but it still works for me because it's stage wear at the end of the day. It's not going on the rack. It's not couture. No, if I'm making something for somebody else, I'm high stress. I can't do it. When somebody's like, I like that. Can I borrow it? I would go, I made that. Just so you know, I made that. Yeah, there's sequin will go, I made that. Ain't no lining. Just so you know, I made that.

Yeah. There's sequin, raw sequin edges that are going to chop up your arms and legs. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. Or like, yeah, you can wear it, but like, don't turn around in it. Remember my apron phase? The front facing apron phase for on camera.

The paper doll phase. Thank you. Thank you. There's episodes of all where this person has boobs tied in a knot. The latex is tied in a knot behind her. Yeah. Disgusting. But also utilitarian.

And I let my nasty little skin breathe. Boop, boop. Boop, boop, boop, boop. But you can't wear it anywhere. It's a context-dependent outfit. It's half off. You gotta put half off. Really.

Totally. When things heat up, you don't just want a cold one. You want the coldest one. The cold-loggered, cold-filtered, cold-certified one. Mountain cold refreshment.

Coors Light. The chill choice. Visit CoorsLight.ca to learn more. Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. The other day we were on this plane and I wonder if you remember, I really do, because I was seated in 1A on a flight and I went into, I went in, I'm going to, I did some poopies in the bathroom. I'm so sorry to tell. And I, I, I talked I talked to an airline flight attendant that I'm currently talking to romantically. And I confessed that I did something so unforgivable. And he confirmed that it was in fact that.

I spritzed perfume on my neck in the bathroom and then went right back to my seat. And that blower sure did blow. My little Tom Ford. i wouldn't do that oh no fucking shit i realized that right after i sat down on this little puddle jumper the whole audience the whole audience is gonna know who did that well and i thought i thought to myself do they want i don't think shit wafting smell is really gonna flood the cabin door mary oh no no i don't close the door when I poop. That's, I would, I would give you. That's crazy.

I would give you $10,000 to get on a plane and take a shit with the door open. I would give you $10,000. But I have to be able to film and laugh. But like head in the bowl, face, but on the outside that door. Head is in the bowl. So by back shots, that's what you meant. Yeah. But I, I came, I sat in that

chair and I saw it. I was like the horror, my face turned maroon. I put the cans on and I put my sunglasses on and put my hood over my head. And then I just stewed in my own humiliating, embarrassing, like red, hot sweating. You should have known better of course i people make mistakes some from time to time it was horrible and people started go and then and you were seated three seats behind me i didn't even smell it see there you go maybe i didn't do it that's the tea i was like if i'm gonna get off this flight and you're gonna be like what the fuck is wrong with you? But you didn't. So maybe I didn't do it that wrong. I don't know. No, it was fine. I smelled it like it was, I mean, it was very strong. I get, I do horse blinders though on planes. I'm usually watching the office on one screen and playing my Nintendo. But eyes is different than nose. I know, but even like

spiritually, I bubble boy. I don't look at anyone. The flight attendant used to be like, I don't look at anyone The flight attendant Is just to be like Yeah Did you want Diet Coke I like really Do not

Perfect Perfect passenger Honestly I think so too I say I'm not here Don't look at me Yeah Don't look at me

That's how I feel In this building In this building What Perfect passenger No dogs No kids I travel most of the time

I know Perfect tenant Any of you hoes? Perfect resident. Yes. And I pay the same HOA fee, bitch. And I don't even have a car. Thank you.

Hello. So I don't even park in this fucking- Not a gunking up that garage. Everybody in this building has 12 dogs, 16 children. And 14 cars. And makes candles at home. Like the smells. And cheerleading teams.

My side hustle is making spicy curry. And my main job is pouring candles. And playing the tuba. Entirely. Chamber music. Yes. My kids are like the Von Trapps. They sing all day.

Chat dancing. Yes. Bowling. Wrestling. Sewing machines. Making outfits. Everyone in this building. Everyone in this building.

Industrial sewing machines in the studio, in the residential studio that I. Have you heard Andrew? A wall shake. Mama, my serger in Andrew's um industrial it's armageddon it that's two disaster movies concurrently like it's cuckoo it's so loud you better never sew your finger with that industrial because it's going through the bone it's going through the bone bitch no it wouldn't go through the bone the needle would break remember those drag race sewing machines? The heavy duty ones? Flop.

Those were not heavy duty. That's what I'm saying. Heavy duty, like D-O-O-D-I-E. Also heavy duty for what? The fabric you give us is four-way tissue, four-way stretch tissue paper. It's rot. Those see-through fabric. I hated those.

Just so y'all know at home, those sewing machine, just to complicate things worse for people who don't know how to sew, those machines are boo-boo. They got them from boo-boo.com half off in their boo-boo. They're nasty and they don't work. That's it.

Can I talk about Maddie again? Oh, yes. Okay, sorry. Can I just say two things? Yeah, sure. She made me howl. She made me howl on the pit stop with you. She's hilarious. She read you so fiercely right off the top and it was so funny. You know why we like that?

Yeah, you explained it to me and I agree. Because we was so funny. You know why we like that? Yeah. You explained it to me and I agree. Because we like straight guy humor. Yeah. You and I like Jeff and Ronit. We don't do fierce mama boots. Like my brother, like my brother is so funny and so mean to me. And that's what I'm used to.

Yeah. And so Maddie, like you and I don't, I mean, we're gay. But straight guy, like Tim and Eric humor we lit I watched the new Curb last night twice because it had me on the floor howling howling it's so funny I'm not watching

I don't even know what a gay comedy is well you did watch it just like that I hate watched it though a masochistic hate watch and that's not even gay. And it's about straight people. It's straight people. There's hardly a gay people on that.

There's hardly a gay people on that. And just like thought. Thought. That would be the gay version. And just like crap would be. Maddie, I just, I'm open to everyone

and it made me think like, well, we don't care about gay guys doing drag. We don't care about women doing drag. I guess some people do. Yeah. We don't care about

bisexuals doing drag. We don't care about women doing drag. I guess some people do. We don't care about bisexuals doing drag. It's so the gay community to be like, you're different than us. Other, we don't like it. But guess what, Mary? Historically, Dame Edna, all these people, crossdressers, tippy club. Rue's married

to Holland Taylor. And he fucks that pussy. And Sarah is a beard. A lesbian beard. RuPaul and Holland? Are you kidding me? In flagrante delicto Married, attached to the hip Conjoined twins Many straight people have done drag

Cloris Leachman and Ru? Oh my god Like bunnies Frau Blucher Stay close to the candles The RuPaul Stay close to the pussy The The RuPaul. Can be treacherous. Stay close to the pussy. The runway can be treacherous.

But no, Andrew was telling me, he's like, historically, drag is not, drag cross-dressing, theatrical cross-dressing is not a gay sport by any means whatsoever. I was like, Mary. Straight people don't have to be bad at drag because gay guys in drag are not necessarily good. No, gay guys are taking care of the flop part of drag. We've got that on lock. We're going to let the straight people pull up the rear. I would be fine if Maddie literally became RuPaul. It would make so much sense.

Well, lip sync battle. Yeah. They eat. Sorry. They eat. Yeah. They eat. Well, they're designed to be Aiden. Like when you book lip sync battle, they go, don't worry. We make everyone look amazing. Yeah. We're going to do a tornado. You're going to be Auntie Em and then turn into Dorothy and then the witch.

Girl, 100%. When they do drag race, they go, no matter how well you do, we could really make you look like a flop. Yeah, we're going to put you on a greased metal stage with some pleaser boots, no walls, no bracing at the end of the day while you're literally crying and have to pee. You're going to be doing a Paul Abdul B-side from

1987. Yeah, that you just got in your iPod yesterday. Yeah. It's so, it's so out of pocket. Oh, English isn't your first language. Doesn't matter. Here's the lyrics. Yeah.

Perfect. There's 14 verses of this one in three, three pre-choruses in Swahili. You know, I don't know why we always talk about Drag Race, but, but girls who don't speak English as a first language, them having to learn lip syncs in English is just,

is even more difficult. I know. No shit. And with the timeline, you know how long it took me or it takes me to learn a song in Russian? Like six months. I'm not joking. I always have them pre,

I got it like a, when, back when I was doing all that stuff, I had a, a catalog of songs. I was like, okay, I'm listening to this in May.

I'll be, I'll be ready in September. Shit. Seriously. Cause you got to know the song so well. It takes me so long. Even English lyrics. People would do the,

Britney would come out with a track on Friday and Queens would be performing on Saturday night. Well, that's like when your brain is young and spongy. But also it's when the lyrics are like, oh yeah, oh yeah, okay. That's a little bit easier. But some songs like Work Bitch, I can't tell what she's saying.

Here comes it. Does she say here comes the governor? Cause that's what I'm saying. Go call the governor. I did that song and I never learned the lyrics. yeah. Go call the police. Go call the governor.

Go call the governor. Is that right? Yeah. Me too. It'd be like, you want a, you want a who? I'm like,

what's a Maserati? What's a Bugatti? Girl. Yeah. I don't even know what it is. It's so weird. And the video is so terrible. Those CGI sharks.

Deep blue sea. I love work, bitch. You know, I live for nothing more than. You wanna. Ah! It's a good plank song. Ah! It's a good plank song.

You wanna. The audience, when they hear you wanna. Horny. Yeah, they get horny. Yeah, it's an earworm. Wait. So speaking of horny I want to talk about the breaking of my porn clans And my favorite porno actor of the moment Is that okay?

He's a Frenchman named His porn name is Chris Damned And he's so He's a movie star He's a movie star He looks like James Dean-ish I think I follow this person I hope you do He's from Marseille He looks like James. He's James Dean-ish. I think I follow this person. I hope you do.

Tattoos? Yeah. Yeah. He's from Marseille, France. And we've become buddies and we speak French together. And I practice my French with him. And he came over last night in his incredible souped up Jeep. Souped up Jeep.

Souped up Jeep. And then he parked it in my little garage. And then we watched, I made him watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, even though he didn't want to. It was my second time and I laughed way too loud. Like, ha ha ha ha ha. And I looked over, isn't this funny? And he was like, yeah.

I think he fell asleep a couple times. And he's, I watched Well, the chloroform. The G. You fell asleep. I laced his Coke with G. He fell asleep. You said, why don't you watch this? And you pulled down a gas mask.

And through the essential air, little clouds. The Glade plug-in is literally just as I laugh. Yeah. I love in movies when it's like nerve gas and they say smoke coming out of a grate and then everyone just. That's my favorite thing. I love that shit. That's right up there with one hand on a cliff.

Well, no, but it's believable though. Needle in the neck is no good. Needle in the neck, hand on the cliff. A gas through the radiator? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And then walking in with gas masks? Rob, I love that.

But so this, I watched him in a porno this morning. My trans sister. Trans sister radio. So the premise, of course, the premise is that he, his friend, he's playing video games with his friend, his male friend, and then in pops in the sister who's trans. And then, and then they go to the kitchen and he sure does bump,

bonk, bonk, beat it up. And her bum bum, you know, give it up for the trans girls in porn because I would think that for gay guys, what is it? A spray tan and obviously dieting and exercise for the women.

Sometimes not even. Lashes, foundation, lip color, hair, tracks, nails, bundled,

sniped. Yeah. I mean, these women perform a little bit like sex is not, well, the women are doing it too. Direct. That's what I mean.

Women in general, like lashes for the gangbang, honey. I know. Eyes running. 301's at the Bukkake. 301's at the Bukkake. Yeah. 301s at the bukkake 301s at the bukkake yeah 301s at the bukkake tough yeah l'oreal's uh shine and stay or dream at moose at the bukkake derma blend but wait so long story short he's so handsome he's such a movie star

because you know how a lot of the a lot of i mean i do because i'm a porn addict i've noticed that many porn performers don't necessarily have what you would describe as star quality they're gorgeous they're they're they're doing the job very well they're extremely desirable but they don't seem to have to possess this movie star quality where they're natural actors they're very photogenic they're just watchable they're just magnetic this motherfucker is so magnetic I'm in love with him does he know?

unfortunately for him he does I was going to say knowing you, you probably said I'm sorry, I would fuck you I'm sorry, I would fuck you though he was like, is this your house? should I go inside? no, I said he said sure he said I like your car, is this your house? Should I go inside? No, I said, tu sais que je suis tombé amoureux de toi.

He said, sure. He said, I like your car. What kind is it? Le Jeep. Le Jeep. Le Jeep. Le Jeep. Range Rover. Range Rover.

My radiator. But he's so hot. It's so crazy. It's not crazy. No, it's not crazy. I'm just saying it's like, you know, I was like, as a goblin. If he was like, he's disgusting. He does porn. That's crazy. Yes, that's true. That's just saying it's like you know i was like as a goblin if he was like he's disgusting he does porn that's crazy yes that's true that's true that's true yeah but

god damn is he he's a movie star to me but i think it's straight porn the guys can be pretty dumpy because the guys want to think oh i could fuck kevin james with leah remini i mean that's not porn i was gonna say but that's did you watch the unedited version of king of queens where he just bends her over the kitchen hom? Homer Simpson and Marge. Oh, there you go. Thank you. And Marge kind of... She eats. She does. That dress every day? That gown every day? Yeah, strapless. Titties out.

Yellow titties. Bober at the theater. With a pearl necklace. Honey. And then, thank you. You know about the pearl necklace. Click clack mules. Homer, I got a pearl necklace. Come fuck my yellow butt. Is that your Marge? I know.

It's not very good. Julie Klausner. Not Julie Klausner. Kind of. A little better. I sound like the queen of flips Cher. So you do a good Marge. Can we flip your hair?

That's pretty good. It could be worse. Julie Kavner. It could be worse. Psoriasis is my next topic do you have psoriasis no you don't where did that come from have you always had it

is that psoriasis tell me about psoriasis it's horrible I only knew one person who had it eczema is a different so I had it when I was fired from the tea shop from corporate on the phone at the emergency room for my dermatology appointment. I had psoriasis all over my face.

Double humiliation. Is it congenital? Is it like born with it? Is it from Maybelline? I don't know. I think it's a very commonly white person flesh afflicted disease. That could be not true.

Lately, my skin can't take drag lately. It just can't. The shaving. Who are you telling? I got a lumberjack beard. And then once my face is irritated, I'm putting makeup on it. The next day it looks worse. And then I have to shave again, put makeup on it.

Then it looks worse. At my age and at my mileage, three days a row in drag. And I'm talking if we're doing wet Oh, wet, wet mud over blood, blood, blood. Yeah. And it's, um, then you're in, you're getting ingrown hairs that are infected. You're getting, it's, it's pizza time. It's pepperoni pizza from Domino's. It's, it's the grudge. It's, it's not the moment. I have to really do now, like hot water on the face for several minutes and then brand new razor every time. Oh, I've been doing hot, hot compresses to pull out the pores and get the skin open.

And I mean, I call the manufacturing company. I have them come into my room to sharpen the blades like a samurai sword. Yeah. And then I throw them away, which are so expensive, by the way. Do you have a good dermatologist? Absolutely not. I want to go to a dermatologist. I'm the only beauty YouTube person who doesn't incessantly talk about their dermatologist.

Well, Lori's coming to my house on Saturday to rip my... Lori Petty and Chris Damd are coming over and we're doing a three-way scene. Is Lori Petty a lesbian? I'm not sure. I don't mean to profile, but because of Orange is the New Black, I just think like... Oh, and also League of Their Own.

That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she's fabulous. What a great actress. Orange is the New Black I just think like oh and also League of Their Own that's what I mean yeah yeah yeah I think she's fabulous what a great actress Orange is the New Black she she plays a you've seen it

I have not seen her in Orange is the New Black no I haven't you should go watch it I will I will the acting anybody who watches it please sound off in the comments

yeah a show all about women not about men no no I've seen it not about men I've seen the first couple seasons it's about the politics of women Lori Petty shows up like season

the last two maybe. Yeah. And she plays a very mentally unwell woman. Problems with reality and grasping what's real. Maybe I have seen her. I think you've played her. Yeah. In H as me as her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. But she's so, they have her in prison garb and they love to pretend, like all those actresses,

they love to pretend they're not gorgeous. What I loved about Orange is the New Black is when they would go to the Emmys, you'd be like, those are the same women? They're not in a jump suit. Well, they would be in no hair, no makeup in this prison gym. Yeah, right, right, right. And you see them in their glam and you're like, damn. Wow.

Yeah. I think that... Lori. Wait, Lori. Say Lori with it. Lori. Lori Penny. I think that Natasha Ly, say Laurie with it Laurie Penny I think that Natasha Lyonne could play Marge

Oh, of course Oh, yeah Who would play Homer? But they did a funny thing as Who would play Homer? Kevin James I literally thought you were gonna say That guy that's in Wicked

The singing guy The blonde guy Oh, I don't know I've never seen Wicked Wicked The talk show guy Let The blonde guy. Oh, I don't know. I've never seen Wicked. The talk show guy. Let's get loud. Let's go loud. I'm so sorry. I can't remember his name.

He's British and blonde. Oh, James Corden. Yeah, I thought you were going to say him for horror. Oh, he ain't gay. How's that? Yeah, of course. I don't think he's gay. He's not. Anna Wintour says he's his favorite comedian. I was like, Miss Wintour, you are suspicious. Suspicious. I don't have the hate for him. No, I don't think he's gay. He's not. Anna Wintour says he's his favorite comedian. I was like, Miss Wintour, you are suspicious. Suspicious. I don't have the hate for him.

That seems like a lot of people do, but I wouldn't say he's probably a lot of people's favorite comedian. That's a little off the beaten path. Anna Wintour. I was just a little disappointed that Anna's not more into alternative comedy. Like I'm surprised she didn't say, you know, Whitmer Thomas, like Jill Firestone, just like doing the work and going out to shows and just like knowing a little more about comedy.

Supporting people who can really need it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, that makes it seem like both of those comics have small careers. That's not what I meant.

The bold icons. Last thing comedy wise, are you pumped up for first time female director, bitch? What are you talking about? The movie first time female director

that is about to brace Hulu on March something. You got to go. We're going to go watch the trailer right now because it's so cunty. Cunty. Chelsea Peretti, amy poehler meg stalter um megan mullally the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on so many uh benny drama so many people it looks incredible can't wait it's i have an acting job next week you talk about it I have to fly to Atlanta. I can't say what it is. Oh. But it's- The Godfather 4.

And I got a guest star and Mary. Are you so pumped? No. Oh. Yes. I'm honored. And every time I audition

for something, I don't get it. So when I get something where they ask me directly, I always say yes. For me to have to memorize lines. Oh, yeah. Like, fuck.

Oh, yeah. How about, how about like Hamlet The character vapes I don't have to learn to vape Well I could teach you Habibi

Habibi I'll teach you how to vape And the character is kind of Trashy So they They were like You need to grow out your hair And not shave your head

So it looks kind of Patchy and horrible And I went I mean like A wife A wife ple i mean like a wife a wife pleaser with like a vape i play like not the wife pleaser we're not supposed to say it's a tank top or a shirt i could say wife beater i'm from a family of abuse you know last thing could be buttoned on this i have never ever and i'm i i'm rotted you know

that it has never ever felt right to me that that has been used in common parlance. And I mean, it's never felt okay ever for that phrase to have existed. It's never felt okay to me. And it's derogatory to the shirt. It's just a tank top. It's just an undershirt, a tank top or a shirt. Like there's three other words you could call it that are actually more descriptive. As if you put that shirt on and you're like, well, time to do some domestic violence.

Where's my brie? Not everybody who wears that shirt is married. There's no wife to beat, bitch. Thank you. Yeah. You're ugly ass. You can't get a date. You wish you had a wife to beat, bitch.

You fat bitch. You ugly bitch. Goodbye. So I don't know. Brandon told me to say wife pleaser. That's weirder. Is that like when people say unalive instead of. Yes. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Just say a shirt or tank top or undershirt oraser. That's weirder. Is that like when people say unalive instead of- Yes.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, just say A-shirt or tank top or undershirt or whatever. A-shirt. A-shirt. That's what the retail would call it. You don't go up to Macy's and be like, I need a pack of three wife beaters. I know. I just wanted to say too, before we go,

Baldwin the Beautiful Richmond Atlanta is rescheduled to March only. So we will see you guys in a few weeks. Yeah. Pending weather. Pending weather. We owe fruit baskets. Oh my God. Everybody's going to get a car.

Yeah. A miniature car. Do you think? A miniature car under their table. Under their table. That's one car. Yeah.

Each table will have a car. There's going to be three cars. Yeah. Okay. Bye.