The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Kristen Schaal and the Science of "Bricked" with Katya

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

According to the newly-published Schaal-Zamo Compendium of Physiological Sex Stuff, "Bricked" (or "Briqued" as it is colloquially known for females) is a coordinated bio-psycho-physiologic process involving cognition, limbic activation, involuntary nervous response, and extremely localized arousal of genital tissues, primarily with, but not limited to, the Pee Pee and the Vee Vee. In males, nitric oxide is released within the corpora cavernosa, causing smooth muscle relaxation, increased arterial inflow, and the glorious phenomenon of penile tumescence, all in the hopes of attaining orgasm and ejaculation, not necessarily in that order. In females, arousal commonly includes vaso-congestion of the clitoris and labia, lubricated via plasma transudation, and the ever-so-slightly-tumescent expansion of genital and pelvic tissues. Arousal within all humans is multidimensional rather than purely genital, as it can be facilitated by both sensory input and cognition, typically when butts, boobies, purple-helmeted love warriors, and quivering mounds of sex pudding are present. In conclusion, Dr's Schaal and Zamo contend that to be bricked, is indeed, to be alive. Go to Kristen's Instagram Bio for links to the 3 L.A. shows of her play, "The Legend of Crystal Shell": https://www.instagram.com/k.schaal/ Way Day is THE sale to shop the best deals in home! To shop Way Day from April 25th through the 27th, head to: https://Wayfair.com To get 15% off your first order when you use BALD at checkout, head to: https://zbiotics.com/BALD If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time! To get 15% off your first order, use code PODCAST15 at: https://Zenni.com/PODCAST Need a website? To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, head to: https://Squarespace.com/BALD To see if you’re eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on Ro, head to: https://Ro.co/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From Binge All episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Oh my God, oh my God. How's my hair so wet? It'll be dry by the end of the episode. It does look good though. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Right? Does it look good or is it? I mean, I have. Tracy, look right in the case. We're rolling. Oh, wait, it is a little. It's a little askew. Look into the camera.

It's like. Oh, I'm taking, I'm looking at. Just pull it down on the right a little bit. Because if I don't fix this, then you won't air my episode. That is so true. It's based up the hair. It's like when you take a picture with someone and you never see it again because they looked bad. Even.

Yes. Yes. And it looks good. It looks like you just like rolled out of bed. Oh, well, which is exactly. What happened? Exactly. And it takes, as you know, as a woman in Hollywood, it takes about two and a half hours to get that bedhead scrunch.

Yes, it does. Or the other look is the beach hair. Well, that's what we're talking about it. And I was like, after two hours, they're like, look what we did. And I looked at the mirror. I'm like, what the, I could have done that. Nothing has changed. I'm just putting my, do not disturb on.

I'm not watching porn. Oh my God. I'm not watching porn. Watching porn on your iPhone, it feels like the porn stars could watch you back. I have never thought of it. I would think that the evil porn kings are, or like the people who are, you know, at the top of the porn mountain or like the evil guys

that they're watching you back. I love that they're on a porn mountain. Mountains are kind of the porn dogs of nature, right? That's the title. The porn dogs of nature. Okay, so in order for people to like understand, we always just like, we don't always just like, we don't really start or end the podcast.

It kind of just, it like clips on and it goes, and then it just abrupt. So I'm going to give you a proper intro because this is actually the third time. Yeah. We're completing a trilogy. It's, yeah, as Trace said, this will be it for me.

This is it. She said this will be my last interview. And so in her last interview. I don't know what. Well, it's because the number three is very holy, very sacred. Yeah. And people are very definitive. People want something new.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And I briefly used, on the way here, I was in a panic, so I rushed out paper bag, wet hair, this hair, ran out of the house, shirt unbuttoned, pants unzipped. And I had a shopping bag, a paper bag full of a wet wig, a bottle of water, a half a Xanax, just in case. And then a whole bunch of other crap. And I got in the car, lovely driver. And I was like, what would artificial intelligence do to like say, what would Katia say about Kristen Schall? And it was so bad.

It was so corny. And it was like, and it's not even, and I don't even like to read it because it made me so depressed at the same time. I'm like, oh, thank God. It didn't get it right. No, no. It was like, it was like, zany and hijinks and like things like that are like, corny words used to describe a theme or a tone or whatever that I suppose you could apply it to me.

But it was just like, oh. Yeah. It was like a simultaneous relief, but also it's like, well, shit. I just used it. It's like, I just, it's like, does that knife really stab people? And I just stab someone. You know how the Gmail was starting to rewrite every. everybody's emails.

So I figured out how to turn it off. So that's, because it was like, that happened next. Oh, it's awful. So you can get it turned off. Okay.

But it was like, um, it did show me how bad of a writer I am. I, I was like, okay, this is, this is,

this is, everyone's going to know that I, that I'm faking this because it doesn't have five exclamation marks after every sentence. And it doesn't have like, like, like, like just like,

just, that is so fucking funny. You said that because I intentionally kept at least four typos. Like I had yes with three yeses. And then a long, a couple of like two periods and then dot dot like space space space, space, thank you. No comma, Brian.

I was just like I, that's not. They'll get the info. And I don't want your help. No, it's creepy. It's really creepy. It's creepy. And I watched a clip of, oh, sorry, hold on back to the intro. Oh, Jesus Christ.

My last intro. Yeah. In her final performance, in her sweet. Swan song. Swan Lake. Oh, did you see the show? No, I'm dying to. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Can we talk about it? Don't. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. My guest tonight in her, today, see, it's not even today. Maybe they're watching this at night. Yeah, you don't know. Oh, you're going to read the AI?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to read my own version of it. Okay. Okay. Today we are blessed with a Trinity, a eulogy for our guest whose final performance will not only reverberate through the halls of podcastum, but through the audio, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, uh, rock and roll hall of fame. From the bunny ears of Louise Belcher on Bob's Burgers to the tech chaos of my spy,

the Eternal City. And the, and the, and the blood-soaked sensual. a vampire politician with the guide? Yeah. And what we do in the shadows. She's built a career. This is, okay.

She's built a career on being one of the most distinct voices in the business returning to the big screen in Toy Story 5 and taking her surreal solo show, the Legend of Crystal show, to the Netflix as a joke fest. She's funny. She's fabulous.

And she represents to us the confluence of beauty, talent, an untamed and unbridled sexuality. Yes. Wait, not done. Sorry, I just, that's what an untamed sexual person would do. Sorry, sorry. We're often wondering, what is the exact confluence

of all of the perfect qualities of a human being and they are here tonight in one human form? Kristen Schumel. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. AI was like, she's draining the hygiene

her hood and the huginousel go blah It's like oh fuck off Yeah Fuck off with that I'm quirky Oh yeah she's quirky She's quirky

What's it like What's it like being a quirky Lady and a leading lady Hollywood I'll tell you You want to be a leading lady in Hollywood What's a quirky lady It's like It doesn't matter

Because they'll just cast Zoe Day Chanel as the quirky one Who are your, um, Nemesis What a big mouth. Huge. Huge. Huge.

With that smile is not only, it's dazzling, it's dangerous. Yeah, I think she could fit a whole mango in there.

We better call it. I bet George's seen her do that on Lake Como. Oh, for sure. Yeah, for sure. You know,

I've heard a lot about, I'm obsessed with, anytime I go anywhere near a Hollywood production set, you know, I ask anybody who is working and I was like, have you work with Julie Roberts?

Have you worked with Julie Roberts? If you work with Julie Roberts? and then anybody else who have they worked with. And I haven't really got a lot of juicy gossip yet, but I did get some gossip that says, she's very, very, very nice to men. Okay. And that was all this.

Okay. And was that a woman saying it? I got a little juicy gossip from her. Please, please, please. From Julia? Yeah, not from her, but someone was telling me because I worked on, what was it called? It was my parents' favorite movie I ever made a walk in the woods.

I had four lines, but it was with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. So they, that finally I did something. That's like, holy shit. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's like the Mount Rushmore. You know, like my, like the disappointing thing about that movie is that I was only on that set for like maybe two days because they would start like talking about like the day they hung out with. Marilyn Monroe Monroe and and who's that guy

that wrote of mice and men? Oh, John Steinbeck? Yeah, Steinbeck. You know what I mean? Like, they've lived the whole culture. Right, right.

Yeah, there's like the American culture started and stuff. Yeah, Robert Redford. Did he die recently? That's the rumor. That's the rumor. That's the rumor, but I don't know. I don't know if it's true.

I think he's just tired of the spot. light and he's just like faked it. There's no doubt he's just like living in Topanga Canyon just like breathing a sigh of relief. Yeah, in a hot spring that he created. Underground.

No, the, oh so the gossip was that we were like you know, working past the there's sometimes there's penalties if they make you stay longer or whatever. And the I just heard that when that would happen on the set with Julia

Roberts, you are actually supposed to give them cash for the hours, the penalty every hour, like give them cash. Give the actors cash? Yeah. With the actors? Well, she would ask for it in cash before she would agree to do it. And then she would take the cash. And it wasn't like what it was like the penalty for the union.

So it was like, you know, $100 an hour or whatever. But she would, no, she would divide it up with her hair and makeup people. So they could walk home with cash. So that's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. So whoever, you know what, whoever told me that thing about Julia Roberts,

I think maybe they had spun it. She said, she gets, I think that I would, the part I missed was she only gets along with men because she loves women. Oh. You know what I mean?

Maybe. She merely gets along with it. Maybe. But I mean, like, that's a thing. Sometimes you're just feeling men more than women and sometimes you're feeling women more than men. Yeah.

Also, sometimes you grow out of that. Yeah. Sometimes you grow up and you stop being sexual. Sometimes you just shake that off. I, oh, ooh. Ooh. I do have to get this out of the way because it's on my mind.

Every time I look at you is that your skin is glowing. Okay. Did you put makeup on? No. No, it doesn't look like it. No, I do. It's like fresh-faced glow. I'm telling you, 5 a.m. running out of the house with wet hair.

You look amazing. Don't stop. I won't. Now I'm going to start looking crazy. Because you're thinking about your face. Yeah, and I'm going to turn beet red. You're gorgeous. Oh my God, shut up.

Could you be more specific? I mean, like, your cheekbones are really pretty, and your head is, like, shaped, nice. It's just that, it's the unit. It's the unit. But I have to, I have to. The what? Oh, this is what you call it a men's, a unit.

It is? Well, you can hold a toupee, but it's not exactly that because it's just, like, it's like, um. Because a toupee goes with the rest of the hair, and this is like. Yes, and I don't have any. Yeah, this is, like, striking.

Actually, this could be, I mean, I suppose it is a toupee because I could conceivably have this, this sort of like hair around here. I thought it was a wig. I would call it a wig too. But then you're, because unit seems like, when you say unit, I'm thinking about like dick. Oh, because that's my unit. System. System.

What about a system? Then there'd be more than one moving part. Well, that's, that's just like when, that's a wig. The hair system gets, that's where it gets interesting. Because when the unit becomes a system, it's when there are multiple. there's an installation process involved. Oh. This is great.

Like glue, like with glue and a hat. So you go to, and scarred sunglasses. I can't. Yeah. A neck brace. And a bag over your head. So you go,

I would, see I had, the problem is I have all gray hair. Whatever is, whatever wood growing on in on my head is absolutely gray, great, great, great, great. Oh, that's beautiful though.

Like Steve Martin. Yes. That is like, just like Steve Martin, in a full head of it, too. Total full head up, just like Steve Barton. Yes.

And so if I did that, I would go to the barber or go to the specialty barber in the basement through a tunnel because you don't want anybody to see this happen. Okay. Through the window. You know what I mean? Because you don't want to give away your secrets. No, no.

So they put the unit on your head. They glue it on with like epoxy resin or something crazy. Not really that. And then they cut, they give you a haircut and they blend the unit into your hair. But you have to go back for maintenance because, of course, your hair grows. But the unit stays. And you got to go for touchups.

I would say probably once a week. That's too much. No shit. Now, I'm telling you, some of these guys I've seen in real life have unclockable systems. Systems. Systems. Because they have to, the way that they seamlessly blend their, you know, back inside hair into the, I mean, I'm talking like a skin fade. Yeah, yeah.

And it's unbelievable. It's beautiful. You would never know unless you grabbed it and yanked it off. I was going to ask about that in a fight. Oh, it would be. It would hurt. I don't think it would hurt. You don't think that the glue would pull up some scalp?

No, I don't. It could probably, it would definitely like be like some. I don't think like blood, but it would be like pulling up a really, really hard sticker. Or like a bandit, like a hurtful bandit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that. And it may be even blood, but who knows what? they put on these days. I know they don't go swimming in these.

Oh. Well, I don't know that. I just assumed that. But it would be the ultimate humiliation, which is so fascinating to me. Because if this thing blew off in Chicago, say, I would be like, and then I would just continue with my day. You would let it go. You would let it find a new home.

Yeah. You wouldn't put up lost and found signs for your unit. No, because I have four more than my home. Okay. And that's human hair. It surely is. And it's really nice. You know what the fun thing is?

I shampoo and condition it in the shower on my head. Oh, Kristen. Oh, my God, it's part of you. You really were. Well, that makes sense because it would keep the shape, too. Whereas if you were like in there. Exactly. I did throw it into a paper bag on the way here.

I have so many questions about that half Xanax. Are you going to pop it during? No, no, no. No, it's always an emergency. Okay. It's my sign I'd pill. Okay. Like, and is the emergency like, like, like, you got a call from your ex and also your business manager.

Oh, you're. Like, like, Minsovar, like. No, no. It's just, it's like, oh, this is what I say. Or not what I say, what they said on contact. There's a million reasons we can think of for you to take this. Mostly it's for the reasons we can't think of. Oh.

Isn't that interesting? Yes. Like the cyanide pill. I'm not, I didn't go all the way. I'm not going to travel all the way to space to just kill myself. And they're like, listen,

if you face and like an excruciating, you know, eternal torture or whatever. Right. Bite down on that little tick tack. Yes, yes. Let them have it. Or let you know.

Oh no, it was a tic tic tach. Oh! Where did I put it? What about cyanide pills? What? What about cyanide pills? Yeah, what about them?

I mean, I just, I watched Dune part one last night, and he bites down on a tooth that releases poison. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought that was kind. So I'm just wondering about, I'm glad that they don't exist because I think I don't. How do you know they don't exist? They probably do. Well, I mean, there's definitely like, you know, maybe not a dental implant version, but something like a nasal spray. Yeah.

Something very, very quick and easy. Today's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Wayfair. You guys, you can trust me. I am a home and garden television superstar. I have pieces in my house by Wayfair. I'm going to tell you my little magic trick because I have a Hollywood Regency home. And so doing everything big and fabulous, but making it feel fancy and new, but still magically old school. I love antique shopping, et cetera, but I love mixing brand new with old.

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slippers and a robe. So I'm always trying to be critical when like if I was a guest in my guest room, what would I want? So I'm currently looking for a new rug that I'm going to put out because my guest room is just a little bit echoy. And if I was a guest and I feel like the whole room is echoing, I would feel like I'm being loud. You know what I mean? So I'm looking for a new rug right now. And you guys, my aesthetic is so wild, but my guest room is actually pretty muted. And so I'm looking for the right thing to add a little pizzazz without making my guest room as wild as the rest of my house. And Wayfair makes it super easy to narrow down exactly what you need for your style and budget. Like for a rug, I could dial in the size I want, the color I want, and just look for that size and

color of rug. Love it. And it was super easy to shop and order and receive. It just shipped to my house, super easy. You guys, when I was doing Trixie Motel, season two, when I was doing my house, Wayfair, I mean, when I'm trying to pull the whole house together on like a TV timeline, Wayfair was wonderful because I could get things so quickly. Wayday is the day to shop for the best deals in home. talking 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to Wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

This episode is sponsored by Z-biotics. I personally do not drink, as I prefer to remain alert, perched on the edge of the evening like a watchful decorative bird, but I recently went to a wedding where everyone else surrendered themselves completely to joy, to dancing, to champagne flutes, trembling in the soft candlelight. They gave in to the kind of open bar optimism that, convinces a grown man he should attempt to breakdance for the first time in his 40s. Whenever a wedding burns that brightly, you expect the next morning to look like a faded

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Remember to head to Zbiotics.com slash bald and use the code bald at checkout for 15% off. I'm thinking of something that I probably shouldn't bring up on this podcast. Well, you said units. Oh yeah. So you're like unit, unit, unit. And I'm like, oh, because my friend is studying Unix. Oh, are you kidding me? Fascinating.

Called Cry to Heaven. Do you know about that? What? No, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book. And we were talking about it at a party. I learned something I didn't. No. Oh, my God.

let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this because I know all about it. Oh, great. It was like all of a sudden, because my whole life, and I'm so sorry to the listeners. Yeah, the people on the 405, the 110, I-90 and in Mass and 45 to Worcester in Massachusetts. Do you just swing but get your cyanide pills? You're going to be there for a while. Put your blue blockers on.

Put the hazards on, pull over and bite down hard on that pill. And bite down hard. Because if you don't go all the way to you're going to wake up and you're still there. But put your hazards off in the shoulder. On the shoulder. Life's worth living. Life's worth living. It surely is.

And even for these eunuchs. So I didn't really, when my whole life, when you said, oh, they got, what do they call it? Wouldn't get your. So they get castrated. Castrated. And okay, so I thought everybody's balls came off. That's it. End of story.

Yeah. I didn't realize they would remove the penis as well. And they would put a piece of. little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate. And like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee. But they wouldn't have a penis. And they would, because the only good thing in my mind about a penis is that you can stand up and pee and they would deprive they'd have to sit like me. Yeah.

And spray everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Just like fan of piss. Everywhere. Like a perfect pyramid. Oh my God. All around.

Like you have to get a funnel. You have to get a large, large funnel. No, it's along the sides of the funnel. What is it like to just have a just such an elegant stream of piss three, five, eight times a day? I. How often do you piss? Like, what's the healthy amount? Well, this is a card.

We come again to a very. controversial talking point. Uh-oh. Good thing it's my last time on the show. In your last interview ever. It's drying up. That's a really great question.

I think it's a good opener too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day and have you today? I heard, so there's the jury is hung on this. Don't say hung when we're talking. Because

for the longest time I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration. Yes. But then I heard a counterpoint which is that your urine is a waste product. Yeah.

You drink when you're thirsty. Yeah. Period. Yeah, we're all, we really are all walking around with bottles of water like babies. Like babies. With their milk. Like,

Man, man, man, I need my, wah, my, wad. Where's my one? Where's my one? I said, I said, I don't know. The only time, water is an emergency, well, I mean, water is emergency very many frequently times. But when I did, when I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s. Of course you did. You've done every trend.

I know it. Ballyage. I did, what is that? I did, um, has Mahjong ever entered the, the, the, Mahjong? Mahjong, that's not a trend. No. I know how to play. I just took a class.

So does Julia Robert. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends. Oh my God. Do you know how? No, I'd love to learn, though, with Julia. Do you know they, well, okay. I can't help you there. Wait, wait, wait, back.

We have to go back to Unix. Okay. Okay. That's good. Dang it! They always get forgotten. I know. Well, what's the tweet?

So this is a plot point on one of my favorite show, the Game of Thrones. Okay, yeah, yeah. So because the unsullied army is famously, um, so she asks, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, ass. So when they you know, when they clip their business, they take the twig and the berries. Right. And they, and apparently... That must have gone over me.

Yeah, apparently, yes, they do. They take both on. They took both. They take them both. But I... And they had to hold on to them. What? They had to hold on to them. Like, the whole time? Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that, they would put them in a box, this is my friend, and then went and to take them with them

because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole. Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooch? I mean. Or like a hat. Like like just like a guy. I mean, depending on how.

I mean. I mean, usually they do it quite young. So I'm not imagining it. Could be like a, you could like maybe like bronze it make a brooch. Oh, a bronze brooch would be great. Yeah. Or like a. Or like a big.

Like a belt buckle, which would be confusing. A be too close. A bigel post disguise. Like a. Oh, yeah. Like that amascarage. Yeah. But so there is Anne Rice,

Anne Rice, Anne Rice, wrote this book called Cry to Heaven. Yeah. Which was about, I read it in seventh grade. And it was about Italian castrati eunuchs, singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super, like, lusty. But I had a boner. Well, lucky you.

I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body. whilst reading this book. It's fabulous book. I don't know. She's, anyways, they're making, Tom Ford is making a movie about this.

Based on the book or just, really? And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this? I will be sitting with you in the back row, not the front,

the back row for that film. I'm excited about this film. I can't wait. I mean, Dune Part of 3. get out of here. Avengers, Avengers Doomed Day. Just go fuck off.

We're ready for the Unix show. Crystal Shell, get out of here. Well, you were talking about this, I think I might have brought this one. You're talking about getting a boner reading that book. Yeah. The last time I got. Bricked. Turned on.

What's bricked? It means hardened, erect, tenescent. That's kind of hot. I love it. I like it too. It's like gentle but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it and also, yeah.

What's my favorite, my favorite version, my favorite, what do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like I don't want to steal, I don't want like a concrete penis. I like one that is just starting to wilt so it has a little bit of pliability. Is it wilting because you did a bad job? Yes. It's all right now. Like, why did you let it get there?

Was it like? Because he's just bit into the cyanide pill. No. Life's worth living. Just to reiterate it. You or someone you know is struggling. No, no, no, no. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't take the pill. Don't even take the Xanax and don't drive. Don't drive. Oh, just. Oh, wait.

So I was watching Wham, the Wham documentary. Okay. And I was not ready. Is this George Michael? Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry.

But the other Wham guy, Andrew. And anyways, but George Michael is like in his like prime. And he is like singing and he's moving his body in a like just like. Provocative. And I'm like watching it in my living room. And all of a sudden I looked down it. And my hips were going like this towards the TV towards George Michael. And I didn't know I was doing that.

But it's just like he's like, it's like, yeah. And my husband's over there, you know. But I was just like watching. He'd be singing. He'd be singing it. I'd just be like up here. That's the only time that's ever happened. Wow.

The bad. I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn. That was a belt. Like he'd wear a belt and jeans and just like, I don't even think he like was aware. You know, that's what's so hot. It's just like there is the, we've talked about George Michael.

He's just like, the music's just like going through him. Maybe he was aware about it. I think he was aware. And I think he wielded it to like, to glorious effect. But, but the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I got, I'm like,

Oh yeah, it felt he was in. He wasn't trying. He wasn't trying too hard. But he was getting me bricks. And I like to spell. You can't, but when it's for women, it's B-R-I-Q-U-E-D, like Brickette. Oh, God. Fuck off.

Gross. I'm out. Well, you are after this, unfortunately. I know. I know. Oh, no. This is the only podcast where people, like, happily are that I'm here. Like, I read the comments and I'm like, oh, my God.

When I'm feeling down, I go to the comments on this. Now, I mean, they will never, they're going to turn on me in a tricksy because we will have you, we'll have, you know, you will, you will be sent away. But you will be sent somewhere really nice. I'm going to be. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Really nice. You know, your daughter can visit once a month.

Once a month only. April is a dangerous time for me because the second the weather gets even a little flirtatious, I start behaving like a woman of a certain age who has simply had enough. Suddenly, I need a spring trip, a trip where I need soft pants, dark sunglasses, and a destination where I can walk around at Golden Hour pretending I have secrets. That is the power of April. It thaws the pavement, reawakens my allergies, and fills me with the completely irrational confidence of someone who thinks a weekend away will fix everything. So this spring, I'm planning a trip to Savannah, where I found a home on Airbnb that is

draped in both moss and charm. I want cobblestone little squares. I want to drift around in the spring sunshine, like an aunt who's on an eat prey love trip that includes grits and barbecue. I want to do some light strolling and maybe buy an impossibly impractical piece of jewelry in a local boutique. And at night, I want to sit down to a dinner that is so good, it makes me briefly forget pretty much everything.

This is the kind of trip where you need a place that matches a fantasy. That's why I love booking stays on Airbnb, because when I travel, I do not want to be crammed into a hotel room with a view of a parking lot. I want a real place to stay. I want a living room where I can decompress after a long day of wandering around and judging southern architecture. I want a kitchen for snacks, a table for my frosty beverages, and enough space to dramatically collapse on the floor like Julia Roberts and something to talk about. And if I'm traveling with friends, it's even better, because then we can all stay together instead of scattered down different hallways in a hotel. And of course, once I start planning one trip,

my brain immediately escalates. Suddenly, I'm looking at Carmel next. then Malta, then Hokkaido Island. A little ocean air, some seafood, and maybe even a long walk where I pretend I'm processing something deep, but really I'm just thinking about Russian pop music. Whether it's one quick spring reset or the beginning of a full, warm weather spiral, trips just feel more personal when you book through Airbnb. me. Today's episode of Ball and the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay. So my massage therapist who I've been seeing for 10 years, for the first who I've many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together, whatever, and hope he texts me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years, as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated myself care. And what's great is my massage therapist, his website

that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available. So instead of me having to harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider, his time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website. Now, for Squarespace, you don't have to be a massage therapist. Let's say you're somebody who always did hair and makeup for people in high school and then you went to beauty school. And now you're basically doing blowouts left and right or doing makeup for people, wouldn't it be great if beyond social media? You have somewhere people can find everything

about what you do and your services. And what's great about Squarespace is you can also integrate your social media. So like if you are putting a big push on let's say your Instagram, you can embed this stuff or put direct links or anything like that. So people can also, if they're finding your website, they can use that to find your social media and vice versa. I also love that you can sell content. So let's say you're just one of my favorite type of things as a producer, a lot of my favorite plugins that I use for like saturators or bass effects or things that I put in my music. A lot of those are created by independent creators.

And so I can go directly to their website and buy my plugins from them. And this is a type of thing that if you're using Squarespace, you could do this too. Head over to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com. slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. I just got back from Vancouver, which is one of those beautiful Canadian cities that makes you feel like you wandered into a luxury skincare commercial.

Everywhere I looked, there was pure natural beauty, water, mountains, little boats, chic people in expensive knitwear, pretending not to be freezing. For a few glorious days, I stayed in a gorgeous home on Airbnb, complete with a view to die for, a massive chef's kitchen and gleaming bathrooms that I wanted to live in full time. After a restful night of sleep in this perfectly located home, I dare say I became the kind of person who goes on scenic walks for pleasure. But while I was off in Vancouver, my place back home was just sitting there empty and dark like an abandoned shopping mall. And that got me thinking about hosting on Airbnb. While I'm away having a glamorous little reset and pretending I'm outdoorsy

because I stood near a tree for 15 minutes, I could be hosting my home on Airbnb and earning a little extra to help with my summer travel plans. There's something very comforting about knowing your house is not just sitting there empty while you're off testing out a different personality in another city. I love the idea of hosting on Airbnb because it can help you put your space to work while you start plotting your next escape. Maybe that extra income helps pay for a future trip, or maybe it goes toward fixing my guestroom toilet that might be haunted.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca. slash host. Wait, so tell me about the Crystal Shell show. Yeah. Because when can I see it at your Netflix is a joke in May. Yeah. It's because it's going to be May 7th and 8th, that dynasty typewriter. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's going to be able to do. Okay. Trisys also May 12th at Largo. Okay. But it's tickets are sold out. No. Lago is like 14 people. What do you mean 14 people? Oh, is it, does Largo have many spaces? over 200 seats. Oh, okay.

All the venues are 200 seaters. Okay. So. But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats. No, I was, I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had 14 seats. Vulnerability right now.

I was like, Madison Square Garden, the Sofi Stadium. I am doing... The Coliseum in Rome. Oh, my God. Well, the Chances Lezé in Paris, France. I love it when you speak French. I love it. I love it. Love it.

Well, so, and then also Edinburgh, we're doing five shows in Edinburgh and one show, yeah, and one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater, that's 1500. Oh, baby, that's great. Which I think they're probably going to have

to put some curtains up and like... No, they just put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked. Yes. They will. And I will make all their bodies go like this.

And if they're not bricked, they'll be holding their, they're castrated penises. Oh, yeah. Where are their penises? I know. I know. I have a male form.

So I did one of my secret shame little hobbies is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret, very secret. So how many rhinestones? Covered. Concrusted. They're quite beautiful. Now when you're working out in the thong, are you working out in front of a full-length

mirror? Of course. Yeah. What's the point? Yeah. But I mean, it's like, do I want to stare? Oh my God. I'm getting bricked.

Just stand that. I'm forgetting. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Cacia! Look at that shooter. You're shining.

And you're shining. Well, can I get you? Can I get you unbricked for a second? Yeah. Please. Please, please. I had to, um, I took one of the thongs out of my, out of my backpack of the day. I had a hand wash a shit stain out of it.

How's that? How do you like that one? Yeah. Because there was a white thong. I got a lot of questions. I mean, I didn't shit in it. But, you know, there was a skid mark. Yeah, but something happened.

It was a skid mark because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up. I gave up. Yeah, I do. I was like, what? I'd be like, TikTok, Perry's TikTok. I know. You need a bidet. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I do. I need a new home. Okay. We're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened?

I have gotten some of it remodeled. And it's just such, oh my God, the people at home, they're going to just bite, they're biting down on pills right now to hear, hearing about this. No, it's just like an endless, it's an endless slog. But I just, I, it occurred to me this morning how, oh, how privileged and truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home. Whether it's a yurt. Yeah. Or like a temporary guest house and Mrs. Rope. or whatever or who knows what but like I wish I could say that when I went home I was like

honey I'm home or like breathe that side of it be like oh I'm home never happens okay has it ever happened in your whole yes yes that's good to know okay yes for sure for sure yeah I had a house bought it for way too much money sold it for not enough money a lot I mean to talk about you want talk about real estate deals you're bad at them oh baby bad doesn't even begin Like, I am the worst. So I would often come back to that place and be like, oh, okay. I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts.

But, like. Why'd you sell it? It's a complicated mixture of, it's a long story. I was just like, there were no sidewalks. And I was on drugs. So, okay. So anyways. So I thought about it last night, I was.

I got out of bed at 3.30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house. Ew. Oh, God, that's so scary. Townhome or whatever you call it. It was a multi-level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I could swear, I was like,

there's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there. Oh, Jesus. So maybe there's a rat. Yeah. There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? Like, there's some mojo, like.

You can get a vibe. The vibe is so thick and vicious. Plus, like, I don't know. I've told the listener so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer in this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess, she was a part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants, white tight white t-shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool, very glamorous. And she's like, what?

No champagne? cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this? And then she had had a Catholic priest with her doing, literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought there were evil spirits in there. Oh, geez. Swinging incense. Yeah. I'm not joking. And did it feel better afterwards? Oh, I don't know. I left. I was only in the pool. Oh, okay. But like she was really, really concerned about it. Yeah. And I was like, damn. Yeah. That's pretty, although that's, I feel like that's a level of, that's kind of like a, I just want you to find peace at home. You deserve it.

You're a nice person. Well, thank you. This is my last time on the podcast. You have to be complimentary or else. Thank you. That was someone who does not believe it. Okay. So what is the most important part of a trilogy for you?

I don't know. I mean, do you enjoy trilogies? Yeah. It's amazing if they can all three fit together. Yeah. I guess the first one is the most fun because there's more questions unanswered. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come? Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, so it's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad. Yes, and I am the centaur. Is this one where you do the Swan Lake? Yes. Okay, okay.

And my whole thing is I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody. Okay. But I'm a centaur. And could you please explain to the centaur is half horse, half woman? Yes. Yeah. Or man. C-E-N-T-A-U-R.

Yes. Anyways, that's the show. And then I have, and then I, I played with, I'm, there's like, it's kind of a musical. Uh-oh. I know. Watch out, Tonys. Oh. Oh.

Oh. E-GOT. E-GOT. The songs are pretty good. I'm sure they're fucking great. But the whole thing is like, of, I, you. You know, I just, I just, you can't control what the audience is, experiences with it, right? No, you can, well, often you can.

No, no. You know, they're going to take what they. Oh, I see. But you can control it while they're in the seat, of course, with many different types of technology. But, you know, belts and shock collars and stuff. Side-dice. Yeah. But anyways.

How many times have you done it? I'm four. Jesus. So it's fresh. Yeah, it's very fresh. And I'm only going to get to do it three more times. It's hard because I know. And then Edinburgh, because John Roberts, who plays Linda and Bow's Burgers and is an incredible singer.

Julia's brother. Yes, Julia's brother. They don't talk, but it's fine. They don't talk. It's amicable. You know. It's a whole thing. Jealousy.

But he lives in New York. So that's why we only get to do it a few times. And then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit. But anyways, I just wonder if you would like it or not. I would mean a lot to me. I would, I am going to. Do you want me to comp you or like, what is it going to take? No, so I, like, so here's.

I mean, I'm doing this for free. Can you use some of that ad money? Yeah. Let's take a break. So I saw, I watched last night, of course I'm going to fucking come. And second of all, I will pay my own money. Thank you. Because I just recently came into a very small, but modest, but still impact the windfall.

You did? Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs. And I didn't realize that. They put my Venmo on the screen. I don't know what a wiggle gig is. A wiggle gig is when you grow out and wiggle. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, your tongue. All of it. I know. I'm trying to keep it together. But so I'm... I would totally like give you hundreds of dollars. Well, that's what happened. Well, that's what happened.

No. So sadly, there's a... With the shit stains stuff. Oh, the shit stains is fine. Your secret. It's just that it's not a tug. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been encrusted.

So it's untuckable. Shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside. That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of life. That's me. So shiny on the outside, shit stain on the inside. Maybe that's my crystal special. Oh, my God.

Oh, God, not a crystal special. Do it. Yeah. So wait, so you're doing about so back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah, they need help. Yeah, you're struggling.

I'm bleeding out on this one. Like, it's really expensive. I mean, this is like J-Lo's, this is me dot, dot, dot, dot now. You know, 20 million self-finance. It really is. It's not like that, but it is a little. It does feel like a midlife crisis show. For sure.

Well, I'm going to be there of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees. No discount. And just like, sorry in advance, if you. don't like it. Listen, I would never, the last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home. What was it? Well, I was 11, though. Oh, Jesus, you like everything after that?

So I don't trust your opinion at all. No, no, no, no, no. Then that was the biggest lesson I've learned to temper my expectations. What was it? Do you remember? Yeah, it was a Cirque du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10 and I became completely obsessed. Like, you know, it's like, I don't know.

Imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves in a different plan. and then you found wolves. Yeah. Yeah. And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God, I came, blah, blah. Anyways, they had another show in 1995. That was in 93.

Two years of anticipation. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking, exing off days on the calendar for like nine months. Yeah. We went there. The first moment, I was like, it's so small. It's so small. That's it.

Yeah. That's it. I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like, like your new house, you know. No, but I cried on my home. Diabolical and I've since grown to love the show. I saw five more. Sure. Anyways, yeah.

But so I, I, I, with movies and stuff, you know, I mean, I love, I, I can't remember the last time I went to the theater and like, was really like, I don't really go to the theater that much. But the chances, long story short, I know too. the chances of me not liking your show are so slim. That's true. You know, come on. We kind of get each other. Yeah, I feel like we have slim. Yeah, yeah.

We're both eunuchs. We both have a non-infected copper tube. That's why the song fits so good. Not infected. Uninfected copper pee holes. Oh, wait, wait. So I didn't finish. Oh, yeah.

The water. So I say if you're P clear, you must be clear, you know, clear, clear P equals health. Well, do. does your shit have to be clear? Sure. Okay. I see where we're going. So urine is a waste product. And you're, so when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little,

they would always love to spout these little pseudo-scientific facts and aphorisms about, you know, enlightenment or whatever. There's like, we're, when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And I, something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. So I do a little research.

And there's really no scientific data, peer review data to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. Yeah. It's purely temperature regulation. It's your skin. Well, yeah. And that's like saying like, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to release through my skin. Yeah, and like the kidney, I'm going to like twist my kidneys into, and the pump them up into action.

You know why you guys are so sick. You're not twisting your organs? No, but that's, so that's, you know you're joking. That's really what we were hearing. Oh, geez. Yeah, rinsing the organs, like twisting the, like the viscera in the, to like detoxify. And through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell bullshit because what is actually in your sweat is you have water,

a little bit of salt and a very, very, very, very trace amount of like chemicals like, I don't I don't know. Metal. Metal. Yeah. Very, very, like. Just a little bit of metal. Just a little bit of copper zinc and all over them.

No, but very, very trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys detoxify your body. And they don't need. To sweat it out. No, they don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing. And also can be very invigorating and a nice fun, whatever.

But that kind of bullshit makes me, it burns me up. Yeah, because they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I did. Sometimes it took three hot yoga classes a day. 90 minutes. Okay.

Isn't that insane? That is insane. It's insane. Yeah. Go to a. 9 a.m. 9 to 10.30. Yeah.

11.30 to 1. And then I go back from 7.30 to 9. Fucking freak. Okay. So what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one? Drink water and peed. No. No, it's just great.

But so when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow. Yeah. It's a waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all courtesy of a doctor. I followed online. OBGYN, who is, she's really into debunking myths and like,

and like, you know, because so much of TikTok and whatever is like, people are watching 10 second clips of like, actually, you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home. Just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean? And, you know, you get all this info. Yeah, everybody's got an opinion on both sides.

Right, right, right. And all a lot of like weird, like, you know, we've, you know, we, I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter hey and she turned out great. Like, you know, like, so, but I don't think. Were you breast fed? I was, yeah, probably by too many breasts. Oh, my God.

I had three moms. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's probably why you're so smart. Well, I had a, I was a huge baby. Yeah. Yeah. It took a lot.

It was a 25. Oh, my God. You were 25 pounds coming out. No, 25 pounds in the womb. Oh, my God. And I was like, I think by the time I hit that table, I was like 30. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Can you imagine? That's really big. That is a big baby. Yeah, no. I was like, I was nine pounds and a couple ounces, which is still a big baby. Ruby was nine, my baby was nine and a half pounds. It's tough. They were like, do you want to have a natural birth or do you want to, is it okay if we cut her out?

Yeah. And I was like, let's just cut her out. Yeah. That baby's big. Yeah. I had, my child's the best friend was 11 pounds. I've heard about an 11 pound baby. That's really big.

Okay. Sorry, back to the P. God, that's all people want to hear. They're like hanging on the edge of their seat. This is your last episode. It's not a cyanide pill like bouncing on their teeth. Like I just want to know about the P. So, long story short.

By the way, that's a good TV show. No shit. Have you been watching it? Oh, no. It's a real show. It's called Long Story Short. And it's on Netflix. I'm not involved in it in any way except for it's by the creator of Bull Jack

Horseman. Okay. And it follows a Jewish family, and they time jump. Okay. I think it's really brilliant. Okay, great. I'm looking for, is it a comedy? It's a comedy for adults.

Okay, so they say, like, I did let Ruby watch the, they're like, ah, orgasm, ejaculate and stuff. And I'm like, let's fast for it, you know. As far as she's concerned, everybody's a eunuch. So that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, you know, she knows what penises are. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I know. She's seen them.

And she's jealous that you get about the elegant street. So, okay, I have a point on that, which I completely forgot. You are just. We're everywhere. We need to have a five-hour podcast. No, we need to have a high yoga class. Oh, it's my last one. I will never.

I will never do that. I will never do that. And I will, and I applaud your decision to do that because, you know why? And we'll get back to pee in a second. It is unnecessary. It just seems so uncomfortable. You have no. So I am the worst.

Out of all the people in my life, the only person I know who sweats more than me is my dad. Mm-hmm. And every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class. Just a normal yoga. Normal yoga. Exactly. You can be doing yoga in the Arctic, in the tundra, in our booty shorts and we'll be sweating our asses off. Imagine a class filled with, a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat.

And I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch in a inch in a room. a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall. Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six four. Some people are... List all the sizes. Yeah. We got five one. We got five two. We got five three. Now, what are all these people doing? Sweating. And not just sweating. When they're, when we're bent over, the sweat is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool. It's stinky. It's more than, it doesn't even have the chance to get stinky. Yeah, exactly. It's just a fucking wet monster. A wall of a human, hot, wet, nasty. I had to change, I had to bring two thick beach towels to put

over my mat because I had to change towels mid-class. Right, because you were going to do two more classes later. No, no. For the, what for one class? Do you want, you have any of the laundry I racked up? Do we know that? I mean, crazy. So, so. But did you look good? I guess. I enjoyed it. I mean, I, I, yeah, and then I got trained to teach it. And then I realized. You got, you trained to be a hot yoga. No, no, just a yoga. Just a, just a yoga.

Oh, you could teach yoga to me? I could, I could, I could reasonably and in legally charge you for a yoga class today. Now, that would be a fun podcast. Yoga with Katia. You know, I try, but get this, though. You'd have to wear that thumb. No. Yes.

I paid you money. But that's what I will not fall into the trap. Because every yoga guru turns out to be a raper. A graper. Sorry, graper. Oh, really?

Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, it's... Will you be the first? I'd be the first... To not be. I'd be the first non-graping, crystal thong wearing

gay guru. I feel like if you were teaching me and your thong was just like catching the light as a prism that it would take my mind away from how boring yoga was. Well, see, I'm going to counter your suggestion and suggest that,

We swap the Lulu Lemon and the Alaw or wherever the fuck you saw, all the fancy deoprene Athesia stuff. Yeah. We do all crystal accessories. Like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal whatever's for the students. Okay. I have another question. Is it sharp?

Great question. Yeah. It is. So when we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting, it's not going to be the most comfortable. And because these stones are glass. Yeah. If you fall, say you're rolling and one happens to break, it is a dangerous opportunity.

We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequins. We could do sequins, little ones with like some foam around each one. Or we could do a metallic, very reflective kind of like stretchy nylon. That's been done. That's been done. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. We're like broaching new fashion here. Yeah. So maybe it's like you protect your inner thighs. That's not my problem. It is your problem if you're going to go, you know, public. It's all underground. Okay. So my pee is yellow. Okay.

And I am not ashamed of that. Yeah, no, no, no. Because I drink when I'm thirsty. Okay. And that's... How often are you thirsty? Right now. Yum.

Cheers. To your last podcast ever. Thank God. I've shared enough. Yeah, one is good, two is great, three's enough. I... So you're excited. I mean, so are you...

The ongoing projects, though, like Louise Belcher, is that still... Is that old hat? It's still going. It's still awesome. Do you still love it? I still love it. I mean, voice work, it's to be amazing. What do you wear?

Do you dress up like tuxedo pants and everything? Yeah, tuxedo pants and everything. took the events in everything else I have in my closet. Yeah. Layer. You know, I have a lot of really, I like clothes a lot. And I collect them. I would say that would be what I collect is clothes.

And when I get excited, because when I think of a new clothing item, I imagine myself in the future wearing it. And I'm having a great time in my fantasy. and then and I need to start having fantasies of me and my old clothes though No no no that's okay That will happen naturally

Yeah that will happen naturally I really relate And I have Part of like I was This is one of the questions I was thinking about On the way here I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff

I think hobbies are important And it's I think it's like If you Trixie for example Most of her hobbies She's ingeniously found a way to monetize which is incredible. So are they hobbies anymore?

No. I would argue that they're not. But they're also really not. Because they've been meshed in her professional persona or whatever and she makes money from them, I think that's not a hobby. You spend money on a hobby.

Yeah, you spend money on a hobby. You lose money on a hobby. The Legend of Crystal show. No, no, no. You're going to be. That's going to get you out of debt. It's got to be. I mean, because I'm going to buy the whole theater.

Oh, ah! Oh, you know, I like to draw. Okay. And, um, and, and, and I think writing is a hobby too for me since I don't get paid for that, but I'd like to. Oh boy, what I like to. I went to. I start, so I have, I make clothes. You do not. I do. And I, did I wear it? Are you wearing anything? Shit. Everything is very well tailored on you. No, no, no, no. These are skim, look, look at, oh, whoops. Yeah, it's laundry day, London Day. But you know what, I know, I know. He's got two different, it's not an affectation. It's not an affectation. It's not an affectation. Kind of an olive green.

It's gray and then a black sock here. Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? The diabolical. But you know what? It kind of goes with the, you know, what do they call that? Plaid. No, you know when you get your hair? It's something of you, where you get your hair kind of like goes from one color.

It's got an ambry. I feel like it's an ambry situation. And I got somebody gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road. If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say like, what's your favorite movie? Say the mirror by Tarkovsky. and then that's like surefire way to be like, oh wow, you're cool, you're cool, man.

Really cool. Sorry about that. But I got, so the point is, the last one. Freshes moments and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you because I got a cover stitch. So I love sewing costumes stageware, but I'm branching out. I'm just shaking off all my clothes.

Do not stop talking. So I got a cover. I like your tattoos. Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time. You do? No, no, God, no. But so see this stitch right here.

This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, let's say, right. Yeah, that's the cover stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most, like, knits. They fold it and they double stitch it. So like a knit, like sewing as a hobby. Oh, my God. So fascinating because you will never be great at it.

like no no no no no no no no no one one one one one one one will never be great like you it's a it's such a it's such a broad like um uh there's so many like different elements to it and there are people who are who devote their entire lives to like a certain fabric do you know what I mean like lace applicates or embroidery or whatever so it's like something that is really really daunting, but it's always challenging and it'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a surger which means

I could make a T-shirt like this. Oh, wow. And I'm talking, I'm talking like for real though. No, I know. What about screen printing? That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawerer

and I do have access to puffy paint. Yeah, I drew this one. Oh, yeah, nice. She's, she's She's scary. That's good. Yeah, it's very scary. I have to have it on you, I guess. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But so that's, so basically it's coming on Friday. I can't fucking wait. Oh, because you know, too, with T-shirts, they're my favorite garment, but it's the material. Like if, like, I'll go to a show. I always want to buy a T-shirt at shows and a da-da-da-da. And then the material is. rough and I never wear them.

Or what you could do is like, your favorite band is playing at the, you know, the garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is it XL. You're like, God damn it. Yeah.

You fucking bring that XL blouse over to me. I'm going to bring it to God's it. And I'm going to slice it and dice it and surge it and cover stitch it to fit your tiny, like tiny sexualized, over-sexualized by Hollywood box. Well, so the sewing, my mom is a sewer, and it's, you know, it's hard to find.

It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like, we have to go, she lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only store that will fix her sewing machine. And you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. I'm sure in L.A., it's a little bit better. Well, it's a little bit better, not since all this drama with, with ice and everything. because the downtown area has been a very different story. Yes, of course.

And, like, I have, there have been people that, friends of mine have I have known who are not heard from in a minute. And I'm not saying that, whatever. Well, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you. So it's like, you know, it's like, it's a whole different. But yeah, there's a ton of, there's a guy, Carlos, who I had an industrial, the hard thing about sewing is that the gear gets really expensive.

It's like photography. Yeah. Yeah. I could never afford photography in high school because the lab fees were so expensive. Uh-huh. So expensive. I mean, in college, I mean. It's shocking how, because I remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever. And I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards.

Oh, the fabric. I was like, what? Oh, the fabric. Don't even get me started. Yeah. I'm talking about this. Machines. I bought, I went to mood fabrics, which is like, I think they were made famous by Project Runway.

Of course. I mean. We're going to mood. I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there. Mood is, when I walk into mood,

I got to do double panties for the brickness. Because it's like, it's, and I always end up making the most horrible choices. I need to go in there with two chaperones. Yeah, you need a friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I either buy something and something

that's so dazzling but the wrong color or whatever. I bought four yards of trim at $150 a yard. Oh my God. That is very, that's trim. That's like, that's just trim. Yikes. Gorgeous. For what are you putting your back?

I don't know. That's the problem. There's no vision. Would it go on like, No! Would it go on pillows? Like this is for costumes, stageware. Oh, so trimming like sleeves?

Like cowboy? So I'm in an area. I'm in an era of my life. I'm sorry to make it all about me on your last episode. I feel like I'm talking too much. You are the star. Shut up.

I've only got this show. The Legend of Crystal Shelf, which I've been told is highly entertaining, but maybe not very deep by my high school friend. Very not deep. Well, it might not be deep enough for some people. But it's deep to me. Maybe they lack the bandwidth to plunge to the depths

that it requires the one to go. The show is, my agent said, we watched Mike Barbiglia's show, and she's like, I need you to do something like this, you know? And I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response. And it is actually very autobiographical, hopefully through. Do you love doing it?

You've done it four times? I've done it four times. I love it. Yes, I love it. I love it. Come, come, come. Yeah, no, and this is serious. Can you zoom in a little bit? Yeah.

Talk to that one. Oh, she can't do it. There's one person here. No, no, no, no. We'll do it in post. Okay. So that's your. And just like, please, for the price of about 15 lattes,

you and a friend who also buy 15 lattes could attend one of the most not one of the most surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal often imitated often tried to duplicate

but she's inimitable and in duplicatical and it is her swan song her last show her last project yeah God you might be right No, no.

So you have to see it. You have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a unit. Ooh. Ooh. By the way, great words. Wait, tell the dates again. Tell the dates again.

May 7th and 8th at Dynasty typewriter and May 12th at Largo. And you can think about it as a birthday present for me because my birthday is on them first. So a lot of people. Happy birthday. Thank you. Do you want to hear the birthday song? My husband and I made up to sing. Duh.

Five, six, seven, eight. Birthday boy. Birthday, fun, birthday. You can also say girl. Birthday girl. Happy birthday. Love you. It's interchangeable.

I love that. Thank you. I love that. Just cut that up. Gross. God, the flap sweat. Speaking of, flop sweat, yoga. Well, funny you should say that.

I taught, my first and only class I taught was co-taught with a girl. Guess what it was called? Flop Sweat. Queer yoga. Now, what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay?

Right. Nobody asked, nobody answered. But they showed up. They showed up. People did. It was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time. Total disaster.

What won't be a disaster is your show. But thank you. Wait, can we just, because Tracy's like kicking me off the show and there's like security guards at the door. Yeah. Yeah. We have a Lincoln Town car.

It's not an SUV. I'm so sorry, but they have your conditioning. Okay. You said you're in a new era and then I interrupted or something and I want to know what with the fringe of the material from mood. You're in a new era sewing wise and please we have to. Okay, so I got this the most incredible. I'm going to show it to you because this is the inspiration, although this will, you know

when that whole that stupid meme of like when I ordered it and then when it actually came. Like from from Gucci from Amazon you know that kind of thing My friend just calling me The the the The inspo this is what I'm trying to do So these jewels they see that See that gorgeous like glittery Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

Like sheer mesh thing Look at that look at that Look at that! Yes The way that flows The problem with that is that she has this jeweled Underwire bra that are That are propping up her large breasts.

Right. So it's a bigger structure. And she's got large breasts. Yes. In a tiny waist and a very lithe body. But you could have all those things. Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I went to Mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that look. Spend about $900.

That's nothing at Mood. That's nothing. It's literally nothing at mood. They're probably mad at you. It was probably more than that. But it was like, but yeah. So, and I get it in the, but I get it in blush. Like a champagne blush? No, no

That's gonna make me look fat as a house It's not gonna pop You know, it's just gonna like It's gonna blit with your skin tone No shit, it's like What are you thinking? What happened? No, I was in a...

Did the blush look good on the shelf at least? It looked fabulous on the shelf What it's gonna look like me is trash I should have got agreed Like this, like this No, no, it's gonna it's like a more berry No no, it's like a champagne Like a champagne

It's like, it's almost like, are tan? No. You got a tan? I got a tan. Bage, you got beige. No, it's a champagne. Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless with a bit of beige.

It's like a rosé, a blush. It's like a sparkling wine. Okay, rosé. Rosease and somewhat orange. The point is it's not slimming. It's going to, it's going to offer no contrast. It's going to be, it's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. Yeah.

It was a big mistake, huge. Can you return? Absolutely not. All sales are final. And this is a silly question, but can you dye it in any way? My roommate, or my studio roommate who just called me, his answer would be like, of course you can. No. He thinks you could die anything.

Right. Yeah. But no. No, absolutely not. Could you put, okay, last question. Could you put like? I could trade. Because is it a little bit translucent at all?

Oh, well, it's a mesh. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the color under. Yeah. But then now we're adding bulk to an already... But you need that structure. Well, right, but I've already got an understructure.

I know that people... You could die the understructure. In the car right now. I know they are. We lost them. We lost them so long ago, though. I don't even care. Yeah, it's like, oh, fuck yourself.

Yeah, this is for us. This is the last... I'll never see Katia again. But it's going to be a challenge. Like the Tim goes, does honors? I don't even know how he talks. I haven't seen the show. No.

Oh, it's so fun. I'm sure it is. I saw it. When I was younger, I was like there for the first season. Well, the point is my cover stitch machine and... Just kidding. I won. Three times.

But... Boring! So what I'm going to do when I come to see your show at the Dynasty typewriter and at the Netflix is a joke thing. No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo. At Largo. But for the Netflix as a joke. It's part of Netflix as a joke.

Oh, but that thing is like some amorphous... They care more about Seth Rogen's show. Don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no. Oh, wait, can I share some person in triumph? Of course. I know we're going along.

I don't care. Oh, Ruby sitting in the school office. Go on. Oh, my God. That's what you're going to pick up your child. Okay, okay, okay. We've got to go. I forgot too.

I forgot too. Okay, babies. Okay, go get your eight-year-old, but one thing, the last thing. We're playing a show at the Willtern, a Baldwin and Beautiful Live at the Willtern. And, but just at the Willton, just recently at the Willtern, that's so I, that woman I just showed, you. That's a singer from Russia or from Ukraine.

I saw her live recently. Great, lovely. Kind of... Is she a fan of you? I don't think so. I did a parody of her song that I think she doesn't think is that fun, but I'm not sure about that. But her publicist did give me free ticket, so... That sounds...

Yeah. But so I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Verka Serduchka with a... She looks... Very, very quickly, I swear, I won't keep you. She looks so insane. So... Can I lift up your sleeve?

Please. Oh, God. Yeah. Your tattoos are really fun. They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

I can have the stitch now. So that's her. Oh, I like that. I like that hat. Yeah. So she was in the movie Spy. Okay. She had a cameo in the movie Spy.

Oh, I like that. It's a good movie. Yeah. And when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out, and she's a man in a fat suit with like an aunt. She plays an aunt. character. A full band

plugged in. I mean, saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like, or the band was probably 15 people with including dancers and just like,

it was nonstop, high energy, like a 90-minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring,

that during the Encore halfway through, I had to make my way to the back because I had a headache. I was so, like, geeked and gooned. So I would just say, you know. That's your, um, Cirque deolay now. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

So I was, you know, it defied expectations and I know that's what your show is going to do. Good, good, well, wow, you tied it up real pretty. So please go visit Kristen Shaw at Crystal Shell. How do you, wait, is it? It's the legend of Crystal Shell. She conquettishly admits. There's no website for it.

Well, how about the details? And this will come out soon. Oh, but you can get, you can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram. There you go. And as soon as I show in someday, I'm going to take Instagram and I'm going to let it on fire because I'm so done with social media. Oh,

you and me both. I have another Instagram that I look at football butts and that's about it. That's great. But do you notice that it's like taken over your brain? Like a real parasite. Are you kidding me? I mean, I'm scared. Are you kidding me?

It's like, What's what's what do we mean what's wrong with this? It's like oh wait, let me text. Let me text back. Let me text back the, um. Oh. Yeah. Hold on.

I just need to. Um. Yeah. Yeah. What happened? I just need to, um, yeah. I just need to remove this note from a patient's, you know, esophagus. It's crazy.

It's crazy. People on the street. On the street in the bathroom. People crossing the street. During sex. Gay sex. Are you? getting me right now. That's a whole other can of worms

which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. Thank you so much for being here. Sorry, but they, that if you are doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex. Yeah. Yeah. Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolly book.

The power of now. Yeah. Beautiful. Goodbye everybody. Goodbye. It's been nice. Thank you. This is the Avengers Endgame. Yes. This is our Lord of the Rings. Well, I don't understand why I can't come back. someday. Well, we'd have to do a reboot. And Hollywood loves that.

It's because Trixie hates me. It's like only when Trixie's gone. Well, we'll have to do, she'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I'm done. I won't love it. Thank you so much, guys. No, thank you. Bye. Thank you.