The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Listening to Swedish Acid Jazz in a Spaceship at Dusk on April 2, 1971 with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

If you're into listening to German Vaporwave while crying about the mean things Brad said in a note to your best friend Allison in Biology class as you sit in the backseat of your Aunt Marilyn's 1992 Buick LeSabre on the way to the dental hygienist who vaguely resembles Bea Arthur, all the while thinking about that really good pizza bagel you had for lunch as a piece of pepperoni becomes dislodged from your braces, then this week's episode is 100% for you. Enjoy. Start all your shopping trips at https://Rakuten.com get the Rakuten app to start saving today! Your Cash Back really adds up! New to Etsy? Head to https://Etsy.com and use the code HOLIDAY10 for 10% off your first purchase! That’s code HOLIDAY10 for 10% off your first purchase! *Maximum discount value of fifty dollars. Expires December 31st, 2023. See terms at https://Etsy.com/Terms Synbiotic+ and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide, your insides. There’s no more shame in your gut game! Get 30% off during your first month. Visit https://Ritual.com/BALD to start Ritual or add Synbiotic+ to your subscription today! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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you know what i realized the thing i hate the most in this world more than like murder I think it's shit. So, excuse me. Taking a shit? All of it. Handling it? I was taking the trash cans back into my garage this morning. It was trash night last night. And I opened one of them. The recycling had a dog shit in there.

Why do they do that in Los Angeles? Easily. I understand. It was wrapped. But it's in the recycling bin. It was in a bin, period. Okay, it's better than leaving it on the floor. Of course.

Better than leaving it on the ground or in the yard or hucking it into my open window, into my mouth. By the way, I love that your home is so private. You have no eyeline to the street. And you really believe that the people on the street are out to get you. Mama, they're not out to get me. They're organized. They're unionized. They're, they're lined up and they're, they're, they're planned and they're, they're plotting and scheming. And I'm in there with my breasts out, my mouth wide open, chomping, chomping. And they're throwing a little bags of dog shit into my window, right in my open mouth. But they're

not. No, no. So anyways, but so the the somebody walked by with their dog and put a little dog shit in my um my bin and i said ah you know that's really horrible because that thing is going to bake in there it's going to bake in the 90 degree day and that bin is going to be fucking dog it's just going to be one thing to be dog shit another thing to cook it for me cooked dog shit and you're putting it in basically a solar hot dog oven you're doing it you're putting the slow cooker yeah the crock pot yeah the dog shit crock by the dog shit souffle in there now anyways the and then i thought about human shit and how much i hate that and then um and then i realized i was like i just hate that so so so much it's like the thing i hate the most in life

you know i the most this is this is maybe i'm not, I'm not a dog owner. No human shit. I almost think dog shit is worse. This is why I won't get a pet. I love animals. Lifelong vegetarian. I would rather be in a room full of dogs than people. Absolutely. But what you're, what I'm committing to.

Taking that hand and palpating that hot turd. I know. Of course it's, it's under, it's with a shield of plastic, but that doesn't matter to me. That really doesn't matter. If you have a dog poop,

well, if you have a dog and it has, it has poop, which it probably does. Yeah. If your dog's not pooping, go to the vet. Yeah.

You know, when you pick up the poop with the plastic and you turn inside out and you've never technically touched the poop, do you feel comfortable smelling, smelling your hand, touching your face? Or caressing the cheek of your beloved? Right.

Is that enough of a barrier that you're like, we're good? I don't think so. Or do you think, do you walk home sort of like, ugh, gotta wash this? Because not to be ignorant, I never had a dog in the city. In the country, the dog would run into the woods, do pooping, and I would never even know about the dog poop. Right, exactly. The dog even knew not to poop in the yard.

Yeah. We'd never see dog poop. Yeah. We had a chihuahua that would go poop its little teeny Tootsie Roll turds in the yard. Yeah. We'd never see dog poop. Yeah. We had a, we had a Chihuahua that would go poop. It's little teeny Tootsie Roll turds in the bushes. Right. Even in the bushes. We never saw it.

We never, it was not, we never palpated it's fucking turds with our fingertips. It went, they went straight to. But do people, do you think people feel clean enough after cleaning up the poop? They're like,

there was plastic. I don't know. I mean, I, I really don't know. I don't, I eat off the floor. So like if I drop candy or flow and i'm even off the floor so maybe i can't talk because people shoes walk on the street which has poop and then they walk in the house and i eat

the candy off the floor i don't think we're really i don't think that's on the same level as palpating with our fingertips the the feces of a dog i think you're probably right yeah i that's the that's the reason i won't i mean there's a lot of degrading things I have done and will continue to do in my life. But that one is just not part of it. That scooping it up with my hands. I know. It's so disgusting to me. Well, let's say you're really rich and you have a dog walk and you have somebody who comes and cleans at the poos twice a week.

Maybe it's just never your problem. But still, then you just have people all the time. I don't like that, though. It's like, but cat boxes is worse. Litter boxes is worse, honey. L cat boxes is worse litter boxes is worse honey litter boxes is worse oh hi this is um this is my cat and this is the sandbox in the bathroom that my cat shits in i know the open air sandbox filled with fucking cat turds and in my house. Chunked up pee. Neon yellow ammonia.

Would you like a brick of cat piss for lunch? Because it's certainly on display in the room 50 feet to our left. This litter turns blue if your cat's gonna die. I'm like, okay. What do we need to learn from our cat's pee?

Absolutely fucking nothing. We're not reading tea leaves. No, no, no. We're not picking up bricks of piss and then gravelly shit turds from the cat's ass. From the cat's ass. Yeah. I know. Now, just give the cat pure for men and then the cat will have a little owl pellet.

No moisture. Okay. Okay. You can't go too hard on the pure for men Pets are not for me If you go too hard on the pure for men that poop's never coming out Wait for real? I thought it was fiber It is but if you go too hard on the pure for men That poop is like guess what Now I'm a cinder block

And you're going to have to surgically extract me You're going to have to call Dr. Oz Oh no digital. Digital extraction. Yeah, you got to be careful. Digital extraction. I don't take that stuff. I don't know. I don't.

Again, I don't want to talk about bottoming, but I do. Do it. Okay. What do we have to learn? Well, so. That's a little gross. Yeah. You're involved.

I just, it depends on how you tell it. Tell it like a hot story and then it'll be hot. I have a hard time thinking about previous sexual encounters involving me and making them hot. Tell it like Kathleen Turner. Okay. Old man river, that old man river. He came over. Okay. Old man river. That old man river. He came over.

I'll tell like Amanda. Yeah. He came over. It's about 510. Big blue eyes. Really big cock. He took out his cock. And I was like,

I missed that. I was like, okay, yeah, I will. And then we like, we had a great erotic time. And then he ate my ass for like an hour.

Is that the gross story? Yes. So that's gross story? Yes. So that's like the part that kind of befuddles me. Do you like your ass eaten? I, oh. It's not for everyone. So it's my favorite thing to do,

I would say. You prefer to do it than have it done. Absolutely. Absolutely. Cause I lean more towards the, the, the like top aggressor side of things. Yeah. Than the, than the bottom receiver side of things.

I don't like that you said aggressor. In sex, I'm the aggressor. That makes it seem like every instance is violent somehow. R-A-P-I-S-T. Can you say perhaps maybe you're just more dominant? I'm the aggressor. In dominant. I'm the aggressor. In bed, I'm the aggressor. That is so intense, but I know what you mean.

I'm the perpetrator. I know what you mean. I'm more of the perp. Are you a top or a bottom? I'm the aggressor. In court, they would call me the aggressor. The perp and the vic. Who's the perp?

Who's the vic? Oh, fuck. If you're the bottom, you're the victim. What if I say, in bed, I'm more of a victim. Like that's inappropriate. The aggressor. Because that makes it sound like the other person doesn't want to have sex. And maybe they don't.

No, no. Maybe you're, maybe, well. Shit. No, they do, unfortunately. Sounds like they do. They're eating your ass. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm like, you really want to do all that?

It's like going back to cat turds, you know? No, no and i'm not i'm not dirty of course i'm not you know that's crazy i'm not that but like i don't know i don't know what the point of that story was oh i would say i know i know i'm going on a porn cleanse again okay again again again again i think last time or the time before we talked, I had deleted my OnlyFans account while I made another one. Shit. So I deleted that one. You gave it the old college try. Yeah.

What I know about you is when it comes to wellness, you love to give it your best for about six to eight hours. Yeah. And mama, listen, that's better than not doing it at all. Okay. Tea. Yeah. McDonald's. That's better than not doing it at all.

Okay. T. Yeah. McDonald's. So, but I, and then I, I, um, I deleted it again. I was following 13 people. 13 people. 13 reasons why.

13 ghosts. That's at least $130. Oh, wait. I didn't think about the money. Yeah. And that's like, and that's. Which by the way, you're supporting the actors, supporting the artists. Yeah the artists but you know what though let's talk about some of these fucking actors well you and i talked about how important it is if you can ethically source porn buy it directly from the spigot drink from the drink from the spigot drink from the spigot and and pay for that

and pay for it pay for it um however as a consumer you know i am entitled to have my own opinions of what i am consuming at consumer report.com of course I am entitled to have my own opinions of what I am consuming. ConsumerReport.com. Of course. I can write my own reviews. Glassdoor. Yeah. Glassbottomboat.com.

Glassbottomboat.com. Tea. Well, you know, what about if I had an OnlyFans? Tea. Tea bitch. If I had OnlyFans, I would tease like, you guys want to see my fat cock? And I would probably do it in drag because I know that's what they want, right? They want like me in drag.

And then all the content would be 0.5 close-up pictures of my face. Like the nose super big. The way you would get just mama, not a single fucking subscriber. Well, there was somebody we used to talk about who would tease their OnlyFans and it would be like underwear butt pics. And we'd be like, bring a book, bitch. Bring a fucking book. And then recently on like a Twitter porn account, I saw one of their pirated videos and I went, I guess she finally gave up the ghost.

Yeah, she finally did. And she's getting DP'd by huge Spanish cocks. Good for her because you know what? Put a butt. Girl. No, I know. I know. I know.

By the way, just don't over promise. If this is your sexy underwear account, gym picture account, just be honest. Don't overpromise and underdeliver, which is a lot of these scammers are doing on OnlyFans. Now, and OnlyFans is like not a great digital marketplace because you don't get previews. You don't get to browse through a,

you don't get to window shop. You can't even search. Like, I think I was like, oh, who was that guy? I think his name was like tall top stud or something of that effect. You can't search unless you know exactly the name. Yeah. Bad skin Eddie. Yeah.

Bad skin Eddie with the big old goiter. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing. You'd have to, you know, exactly what, it's not a great website. You've got to know their exact like period exclamation point. Three X is not two. It's like, it sucks. The website sucks

shit. Sorry about it. Something about being named Trixie is sometimes people will automatically put several x's and I'm like you think I'm over here fingering myself in a video? You think it's Trixie triple x Trixie? Please bitch. I'm in here in a bouffant cooking in an easy

bake oven. Please bitch. Her pussy tight like a drum. No. Her pussy. Yeah. It's not happening. Well anyway so some of these creators this is what they get into. Apology videos. What?

No like it's not even not apology videos. Apology paragraphs like sorry I haven't created anything in a while It's mental health awareness month I know you came here to jerk off But here's a picture of my dog Exactly

It's like things have not been going so well It's like Mary I wish you the best But we're here to jerk off I hope you dance But in the meantime Drop the pants I do have sympathy because I do too But in the meantime, drop the pants. I know. You know what I mean?

I do have sympathy because. No, I do too. I do too. But on the other hand, where's my $10? Well, I've learned with the YouTube channel, with my YouTube channel, bank it when you're in the mood. Thank you. And that way if you have an off week, you're like, oh good, we have something. Exactly.

When you're following somebody and you can see the scramble marks, when they're scramble.com. What does that mean? When they're scrambling. Oh, like you can tell they're not exactly. They're scrambling and scraggling. They're going back into the vault to upload a JPEG as content for that week. It's like, Mary, you don't got nothing. Well, you and I had a substack. You don't got nothing. That was a lot of work.

It's a lot of work. Substacks drove us insane. It's a lot of work. It was insane because it was three, it was three posts a week. I believe that's three unique posts a week. It was, it was, it was the worst of times. It was the worst,

the worst of times. It was truly, yeah, it was truly, yeah, it was horrible. And a lot of these people do not know what they're getting into. And I can see it.

I can see, I can see the trajectory. Yes. It goes from the realization that one is hot. And then the realization that one would watch me be hot. And then they go, I'm a porn star. Ooh, there's a lot in between those, that second and third step. So porn star is equal to, it's open to interpretation. Absolutely.

You know? Yeah. There are less and less, I feel, bona fide porn stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there used to interpretation. Absolutely. There are less and less, I feel, bona fide porn stars because there used to be no options. Now there's so many creators. You can find whoever type of whoever having any type of sex, which is great.

Global. Globally. You're having to compete globally. Your favorite porn person might have 10 followers. They just might do something you love. Whereas it used to be like, well, it's the same dozen guys on the DVDs Now there's a whole world to choose from But people don't realize It's not just that you're hot

It's not that you're having sex It's that someone's filming it And it's well lit And it's well edited If you're fucking a pussy I want to hear Medical level I want to know Exactly the amount of juice in that pussy.

Like tablespoon by tablespoon. I'm serious. I'm serious. I love like 4k close up pussy fucking. Love it. Love it. And it's kind of a victimless crime. No one has to show their face. No one like could be anyone. I'm not even joking. I know you're not. I won't be made fun of. I'm not making fun of you. Toy, I also love, I specifically love toy videos. Again, tissue. Toy videos.

Which is also like, you can make that without having to schedule another person. Yes, totally. You can actually wait till you get horny. Yes. And then just film it. Exactly. Which is great., you can make that without having to schedule another person. Yes. Totally. You can actually wait till you get horny. Yes. And then just film it. Exactly. Which is great. I love that too.

And it's like, I bristle up this whole like collab thing. Drop the collab. Drop the collab. Drop it. Drop the collab, Mary. Drop collabing as a concept. Thank you. Drop the collab, sis.

And then I don't know, treating this, don't treat the sex like you guys have been asking for it oh treat it like you want to do it yeah yeah yeah that turns me on yeah yeah yeah i've wanted to fuck this guy for a long time and i'm so excited yeah yeah i want to hear that you want to fuck this person yeah i don't want to hear that you were like you guys have been writing in yeah yeah you want me to fuck have been cast kobe cade or i don't know whatever the fucking fake ass name is yeah but we have fake names too but you you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so fierce. And I was like, thank God. Look at these motherfuckers.

They're like these lazy ass little creators not doing nothing. And it's just like, oh my God. Bloop. By the way, I've never done porn. Cannot,

cannot act like I would do a better job. I'm not saying I would do a better job. Oh, I would be the, I mean, when I was doing my fake little drag, funny porno shit on OnlyFans, it was so much work. That's why you quit. It was so much work after three months.

Yeah. So much work. I think we maybe did like two, two posts a week with like a, a big marquee video at once a month. And that was like too much. Yeah. That was too much. So.

We have weekly videos on my channel one video a week is a full job it's someone's full job to produce yeah and it's also don't you think it's like um it's consistency is the key there especially on youtube if you don't upload at least once a week regularly you guys can't i think the algorithm doesn't care about you as much and people start to go oh you have a monday video your videos are mondays people do remember they tune into that yeah um i mean the more you upload that i do think just the more traction yeah for so for a while i was doing my videos on monday tuesdays i think i had a twitch stream wednesdays i think was thursday sometimes was i think pit stop drag race friday had a Twitch stream. Wednesdays, I think was, Thursdays sometimes was, I think, Pit Stop, Drag Race.

Friday's was a live stream. And I think Saturdays was, for a while I had five or six YouTube things a week. That's crazy. Which was crazy, but that's what makes the algorithm go, you like this video? I'm going to automatically recommend the next Trixie video. It does all cross inseminate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And for porn people, it's not the same because so many of these social media things restrict them.

Yeah. And I do know gay people, a gay guy showing his butt on Instagram probably will get flagged because they think they hate more gay people. Right. That's what some people say. Although I do know gay people who are truly prolapsed on the internet. I know i didn't break a fucking rule i'm like i saw your your colon your intestine i saw your liver yeah it's right you know you were stretching the rules mary yeah you know so i'm

doing a porn cleanse oh yeah so what's so what so can we ask can i ask yeah when did you know your relationship with porn became something you needed to cleanse? Well, because when I, that's a really good question. You can be a specific or non-specific, but I've never had that moment where I go, too much porn. Well, because I think like when I become, and I'm less focused on like, it's hard to say. Like, I think with the sex stuff, you have to be like in the room. You have to be in the room, like where your feet are. Like, do you, I know it's so often,

I feel like there's like a disconnect between like, and the eyeballs. Gooning. Gooning. Like, you're just like, but you're not actually, the sensation of where you are, where your body is, is not actually, it's kind of like a moot You're like disconnected in a way

Also it's just too much And I'm like Wrapped up It's just like a lot of mental noise and stuff Jerking off has never been a like For some people They do it maybe a lot when they're depressed When I'm really depressed

I can't do it. But that doesn't happen very often. It's never been something where when I'm not doing good, I do it all the time. So I guess that I don't relate to. Okay. Yeah. It's not that I do it all the time. It's just like, because I never do it more than once a day.

So why? Okay. But it's just the quality of my actual sex life suffers. Really? Absolutely. Okay. Wow. When I'm watching too much porn? Okay. But it's just the quality of my actual sex life suffers. Really? Absolutely. Okay, wow. When I'm watching too much porn. Okay, wow.

Because then it's just looking at something far away that has nothing to do with the here and now. Sure. Sounds very vague, but. Well, I mean, the worst sex is better than the best porn. As far as like the heightened fluids and brain and the excitement and the and also with sex with a hookup there's like a certain amount of fear and like unknown and with jerking off there's a there's a lot of safety there's a lot of no one else is here i know how this is going to end and for me i think it's much better it It's just hyper. It's, it's, um, it's overstimulation. Like the,

the having access to like a crisp, clear 4k like orgy or something is like not something that everyone would really have access to because it's so not in the realm of actual possibility in real life. Like I, like it's, it's hyper, it's too, it's overstimulating. I want to be able to like imagine with my brain and have that be enough.

Sure. That's all. That's like for me. That's like my goal from like my sexual health is like to just imagine with your brain and then that's it. And otherwise don't fucking jerk off. Yes. I will say when I lived alone, I probably did it more.

When you live with someone or share like a bed with someone, then yeah, no, I don't do it that much because there's not that much privacy in bed. Yeah. And if I want to do that, probably just can do that with the person. Right.

I think when my brother visited, he was there for three or four days. I did not jerk off. It doesn't really even cross your mind. not even, although when he, when he left, I was like, Whoa, I'm the person. Right. I think when my brother visited, he was there for three or four days. I did not jerk off. It doesn't really even cross your mind. not even, although when he, when he left, I was like,

whoa, I'm horny. You know, it's like, I was like, Jesus Christ. Chomp, come everywhere.

Yeah. Nuts. So you're quitting porn for how long? Um, I'm going to do two weeks. That's very doable. Are you still going to jerk off? Can you jerk off with no porn?

Absolutely. Absolutely. You can. Okay, great. Absolutely. It's not, it's not a, Okay, great. Absolutely. It's not, it's not a,

there's not an issue. There's not, it's not an embargo on jerking off, but I guarantee you that the jerk off will happen less frequently, but it's an embargo on pornography, which for me is also gets into like Torlina Phuket. Right. Territory and like things like that.

What do we call it? Um, um, uh, Miss Pookie and the Crystal Corollette miss pookie and the crystal twirlets miss pookie and the crystal twirlets yeah it's it's a little close to that and it's also it has it lends itself to compulsive behavior 100 if the behavior is compulsive then it's not good you know well do you have that real addict shit where this is a little personal,

where if you don't do that thing, you just do something else? If you're not doing this, you're like overeating. If you're not overeating, you're exercising. If you're not exercising, you're fucking. No, I don't. I don't have the it's not like a transfer addiction. Or a whack-a-mole. It's not like whack-a-mole.

I was kind of like confused with the smoking cigarettes like because it didn't transfer anywhere else like it didn't go i didn't great well yeah i know but i was i was like confused some people snack when they quit they gain a hundred fucking pounds when they quit smoking or they they do that fucking stupid ass nicorette gum and then they can't get rid of that but which by the way is so absurd yeah um. But you know, like things like that, it didn't, it just left.

It was like, we have a, we have a perfect, we have an intruder in the house. They're gone. Interesting. And you're like, that seems like a best case scenario.

It doesn't just freak you out. You were surprised, but it freaked me out because it was like, uh, okay. You thought you were going to like start pulling out your eyelashes or something. Yeah.

Seriously. I like, am I going to start cutting myself? Yeah, I don't know. Like nipple tweaking. I don't know. Or I think some people they snack because they need a mouth thing, a touch thing. Something, anything.

I was like this, the behavior was- Candy? Anything, anything. It was not replaced whatsoever. I didn't eat any more. I didn't eat any less. I didn't like do any. I mean, the only thing is that I think I probably exercise a little bit more just because I can and it feels better,

but not really. Yeah. Strange. Anyway. So, um, yeah, the,

I, when I quit drinking, I just told you this the other day, suddenly performing with you becomes like, that is my, my shot of fireball for the day. And that bleak, I'm like you and I screaming about fucking lauren bobert might be the best thing that happens to me all day isn't that horrible

whereas i used to leave here and be like i need a drink you don't even need to be like i'm gonna go have a nice glass of wine or like clue i'm gonna have sex with my wife i'm gonna go home and yeah sleep with my wife and now like exercise and performing that is my uh that is my vodka soda oh i'm mary i went when we were when we were done with um fucking um on yesterday we hadn't done in a while i feel like yeah we hadn't done in a while and i hadn't been um i hadn't filmed in a while i hadn't been in drag in a while all day long and i got home I got a wind that was so fierce I said and I was angry I was filled with rage why just because I was like overstimulated and I was like over it you get a second wind when you get out of drag you're like oh it's 5 p.m the sun's still out exactly that

was that same thing happened to me yeah exactly that and I was like because I I got people don't understand it's exhausting but it's also not exhausting being in drag. It's exhausting. But once the pain disappears, you're like, well, I'm in much better shape than I thought it was. And also, I didn't do anything all day. I sat in a chair all day. Yeah.

Like that really, that really gets me. It's mentally this, but it's physically not. No, it's uncomfortable, but it's not, it's not, um. It's not mall walking. No. And it's not, it's not satisfying. It's not, um, and it's not, uh, not, um, it's not mall walking. No. And it's not, it's not satisfying. It's not, um, and it's not, uh, when you work out, you, and I usually save the Red Bull for the latter half of, uh, yeah. So when I do leave, I'm kind of awake. Yeah. So I get home and

I take a quick shower and I'm like, I'm going to go for a fucking run. That's exactly the, that's exactly the fucking thing I did. I got in the shower. I scraped off every bit of drag like a fucking freak. I was like scraping it off. And then I ran up the fucking stairs 25 times. What I think about is by the end of the day, half the makeup's off. I'm like, great. My fucking lashes here. I don't know.

It was a beautiful sunset. I was doing kicks, lunges, fucking handstands. I was like, it was a little like concerning. It was like, what do you got to prove there, Mary? No, I used to. Is this Rocky IV? What's going on? You were Brigitte.

Yeah. I usually, like I used to always be like, why is everything in drag so early? And now my dream is to be in full drag shooting by nine. Oh yeah. And done by like three. Well, there you go. Love. Yeah. Getting home from full drag shooting by nine. Oh yeah. And done by like three. Well, there you go.

Love getting home from full day of drag with the sun out. It's fierce. It's fierce. Getting home at night. And I hate getting home from a show and feeling wired. And then it's like 1am and I'm like, I can't sleep. And also you got to eat.

You can't eat. It's horrible. That is, especially if I'm DJing, I usually had a Red Bull And then the adrenaline I get home David's fully asleep And I'm like

Da da da da da da da da da da da You better lay low You know I was just like On the other side of the bed Being like Should we watch a film He's like

It's 2am It's horrible I had a full night last night Worked out Dinner Screaming bongos Watched the The

2023 World Championships Full Full night In bed at Fucking 10 o'clock Mary In bed at 10 o'clock Screaming bongos Watch the The The 2023 World Championships Full Full night In bed At fucking 10 o'clock Mary In bed at 10 o'clock

Mary The other night I said to David Should we go to bed He said It's 8 o'clock I said I didn't ask you

What time it was I said Should we go to bed It's fierce It's amazing It's fierce I love And lately

I've been Cooking Meth No I've just been cooking I'm Walter White I'm your Jesse Pink lately I've been cooking. Meth. No, I've just been cooking. I'm Walter White. I'm your Jesse Pinkman. I've been cooking.

I'm Jesse Redman. Yeah. I've been cooking. By the way, the color symbolism in that show. I know. We've talked about it. I wanted to cook and I've been cooking. Green chef?

I've been in a phase of expressing my love for my partner through food. That's good. So I wake up and I think, what does he want to eat tonight? And how do I make it as well as I can? Cauliflower steak. No. Carrot hot dogs.

So every day I wake up in the morning when Dave wakes up, I'm like, what's your dream meal tonight? Let's do it. Oh my God. You're like an Italian woman. My energy in the kitchen is frantic. Cause I'm going to,

I'm going to, me trying to roast pine nuts. I swear to God, those little fuckers were white. I closed the little oven. I open it. Black smoke. I swear going to, I'm going to, me trying to roast pine nuts. I swear to God, those little fuckers were white. I closed the little oven. I open it, black smoke. I swear to God,

they were in there 30 minutes. Roasting pine nuts. What is a pine nut? Roasting pine nuts for a salad? And then I don't have the tools in the book. You're supposed to shave the broccoli

or shave the Brussels sprouts on like a deli, like shaving thing. I don't have that. So I have a big knife trying to cut my fucking finger off so we can have a broccoli salad. Maybe you need to start a little bit more like shaving thing. I don't have that. So I have a big knife. Trying to cut my fucking finger off. So we can have a broccoli salad. Maybe you need to start a little bit more like level two.

Level one, level two. And then I'm running into this problem where I get an ingredient like fresh rosemary. And I use it for a baked ziti. But now I have a lot left. So then I look up a recipe with rosemary. And then I got more weird ingredients. So then to finish those ingredients, I got to buy these. And now I have this weird shit.

It's like the fridge is becoming full of items that I don't know what goes obscure, obscure buttermilk, a quart of buttermilk. Everybody in the comments can be like, well, actually he is. I don't care.

I will find out myself. You know, it all kind. I know it. I know they're going to be like, well, actually, I will figure it out.

I'm not looking for help. Okay. I'm just complaining, bitch. I made a salad dressing with it. I know they're going to be like, well, actually, you better not kill him. I will figure it out. I'm not looking for help. Okay. I'm just complaining, bitch. I made a salad dressing with it. And then I know you can put it in pancakes. That's my plan. I don't know. Well, that's fun though.

I mean. Nutritional yeast. Nutritional yeast? Nutritional yeast? The internet says it's to add a cheese flavor without that funk. I'm like, what? Oh, no, thank you. Honey, honey, there is no cheese flavor without that funk. I'm like, what? Oh, no, thank you. Honey, honey, there is no cheese flavor without the funk.

Yeah, you don't like cheese. I sure don't. You know why? Because it's funky. Get that funky shit off my plate. Pecorino. Pecorino. Cascio e Pepe.

Peccadillo. I love cheese. Pecorino. It's just right. It feels right. Baby bells? Are you fucking kidding me? A baby bell?

Shove it up my ass ass Baby bell cheese up the butt Yeah I love being a vegetarian If I ever took that vegan leap I did it once for like six months The no cheese thing Is a gaping Struggling

Hole in my life Oh really It's the hole I love No milk no cheese And I know milk is gross No no no I love milk though Lucky charms

With some whole milk in it Eat my ass bitch You know what I do When I eat no, no. I love milk though. Lucky charms with some whole milk in it. Eat my ass, bitch. You know what I do when I eat cereal? I use cream. I use cream with everything. I don't do milk anymore. How about that, bitch?

How about that, you fucking bitch? Cornflakes with light cream with half and half every day. Every day. Do you like silk? Almond silk? Nope.

It's a little watery for cereal. Oat milk is dirty water. Oat milk is dirty water. I poured a bunch of dirty water in it. I had a lovely little dark roast cafe coffee. And I said, oh shit, every night, half and half. No problem. I got oat milk in the fridge.

No big problem. I pour a bunch of dirty water in that coffee. It stays black. It stays black. That's tough. Fuck off. Had a huge like nuclear meltdown. Do you drink coffee in the morning? Yes, I do. You make your own? Yes. Okay. That's tough Fuck off Had a huge Like nuclear meltdown Do you drink coffee in the morning?

Yes I do every morning You make your own Yes Okay that's amazing Because David Drinks coffee every day And it doesn't make You have to

He's got to tap into the Into the fucking That's what I thought If David we have this new house Wouldn't you rather be able To make it at home And you can make it Exactly the way that you want it

Yeah That's the fierce thing I do the drip coffee With half and half But I tell you Nuclear meltdowns On the days that I forget That I ran out of drip coffee with half and half, but I tell you, nuclear meltdowns on the days that I forget that I ran out of half and half.

Because I can't just waddle out of my house and go to the store like I used to be able to do. Get delivery. Oh, it's so wasteful though. It is. It's so crazy. It's so insane. Alfred Coffee makes this rosy black tea.

It's a black tea with rose in it. That's lovely. A floral black tea. Yeah. Oh yeah. Do you do like Earl Grey flower? The blue flower Earl Grey? I've never had that.

Oh, it's sensational. Sensational. All those loose leaf black teas, fucking nasty. I try not to bring too much hot black tea anymore because my big fake veneers stay white forever. My bottom teeth turn a, let's say. Tea stained. to bring too much hot black tea anymore because my big fake veneers stay white forever my bottom teeth turn a let's say tea stained zombie gray and i know that because of my youtube videos people like time for bottom veneers you fucking ugly bitch youtube is the meanest place in the world i swear to god i used to think you had good skin what happened oh my god they're so wild they are

what is that? My weight loss, the comments. Why don't you eat? I'm like, why don't you eat you skinny fuck bitch? It's really, YouTube is wild. Why are they like that? What is it about YouTube, specifically YouTube that lends itself to such a, such a, like a graveyard of fucking.

Twitter brings you back to your Twitter. Instagram, you can click on your name, go back to your Instagram. YouTube is just usually a faceless account where you watch videos from. So there's a lot more freedom. It's a public forum. Anonymity. There's less accountability. That's unfair.

I think we can all agree Twitter's the worst. We can all agree Instagram is second. Twitter's the worst. YouTube comments are the most. No one's watching a full YouTube video unless they like you. Why would they be there? Somebody might scroll Twitter and find an unpopular comment and say, fuck you. That's true. No one's watching a full YouTube video unless they like you. Why would they be there? Somebody might scroll Twitter and find an unpopular comment and say, fuck you. That's true.

No one's in your comments unless they watch your videos. 30 minutes. Yeah. 30 years of hits. And people do watch. I was at the Priscilla premiere the other day. Benny Drama goes, oh my God, I really needed your video the other day. The video of you at the motel.

I was watching. I said, Benny Drama, you were watching my YouTube videos. I watch all of them. And I said, do you you wear makeup why do you watch a makeup video he's like i don't know a lot of people watch makeup videos who don't even wear makeup yeah no i i can see that i think it's like bob ross happy trees flashy yeah yeah it's also it's pretty it's flashy and there's a there's a before middle and after there's a journey and you know you can tell how long it is 11 minutes i got 11 minutes great absolutely honey i watched um i watched a bunch of fucking you know what i watched i watched train videos trains trains on the track trains on the track doing what going through train

tracks whoop whoop whoop in the in the bridge. Around the corner. Under the bridge. In the sun. In the rain. Around the corner. Just driving? Just training. Boop, boop. Now, do you like-

I love these videos that are like, cozy jazz music in a cafe during the winter in Cincinnati the night your mom died. It's always so specific. With Paula Abdul's B-sides playing softly from a car that's dying on fire. Yes. Yes. Totally. Yeah.

It's so specific. It's like Michael Bolton from another room while your grandfather confronts your grandmother about the personal loan she took in 1986. It's so fucking crazy. And the more specific they are, I love, like, um, there's this band I love called Beach Bunny. They have this song called i think sports there was one channel i saw that was like three and a half hours of the song sports by

beach bunny but it's in another room during the rain oh yeah who are these i know young queer people uploading this stuff uploading the weirdest well i YouTube is like, it is I think, it occurred to me the other day because I was watching the 2023 Worlds and I didn't even register. I was on YouTube. It popped up and I was like, okay, the entire women's competition free of ads.

With the BBC. Of course I do. Of course I do. Listen, there's two things in this world I stand by. YouTube premium. Wow Presents Plus, $'s two things in this world I stand by. YouTube premium. Wow Presents Plus, $4 a month, $5 a month? Yeah. Even just for, uh, that's a good deal.

It's a good deal. It's a good deal. YouTube premium is worth every penny. When I'm not logged into my, because I have like, my Kachi account does not have YouTube premium. It's my like personal account that does. If I'm on like somebody else's, whatever, and an ad pops up, I'm like, why don't you just fuck me in the ass literally with a knife with a knife with a

knife up the ass knife up the ass i'm trying to watch like a beauty youtuber's apology video and i got a clorox ad i leave the room if i'm doing psychedelics and i have and i have 60 mega giga hertz of like flying to the moon you know what i mean I know. I don't want to do a Clarel ad right before. I thought I'd try to watch a fucking, I don't know. We're going to order cakes from one star bakeries and five star bakeries and compare and contrast. Something I love is cut to an ad and then it's like, mama's got lights. I said, I now have to smash the computer and I have to find this woman's home and kill her. I get rage.

I rage out. That could be its own video. Trixie Mattel gets an ad in another room during the rain on the 4th of July during protests. How does it, her gunfire and fireworks, how to differentiate. Your father, listen, your father, listen, your father watching Roseanne in the living room while your mother discusses the divorce in a hushed voice on her Nokia in 2004. In Korean.

In Korean. Like they're too specific. They're too specific. It used to be like lo-fi beats to study to. Have you ever watched that? Of course. That is a very consistent channel where the comments, that's like a chat room where people are chatting all day on that and also but the the ones that are

like happiness frequency or like um a chakra release frequency those comment sections are exclusively uniquely positive they're all like sending love and light yep i was like whoever's watching this i hope you have the best day 450 million likes on the on the comment now what do you make of youtube comments what do you make of the comment first that to me is up there with girl get a life bitch if i was like well you know my brother's in prison really why he commented on a youtube video first i would go he fucking deserves it i hope he rots in there. I swear to God, that is so fucking offensive to me.

And you know, for a while, Wild Cousins Plus was commenting first on their own videos just to fuck with people. But it's so crazy. That's so crazy. Whoever reads this, I hope you have a lovely life and I hope you need to hear this today. That's a little less crazy. At least you're spreading

positivity. No, it's positive. And I was like, and sometimes late at night I would go through them and I'm like trying to comb for a bad one. Couldn't find one. I was like, wow. No, no, no. On the happiness frequency or the chakra release videos or whatever. Like, you know, these like gigahertz

or whatever kind of like ambient videos. The best is when it's our content and the comments are like, this show used to be so good. Now they just retell stories and laugh. I'm like, where have you been? That's all we've ever done. And they weren't good then.

The stories don't get better. The more we tell them or the longer ago it happened, the more fuzz I am on what happened. Now they're just hearing fish stories. They're like, so first you were in the same room as Oprah. Now the story is that you met her. Now you're saying you were married to her

for six and a half years. Like you're fucking stretching the truth, bitch. I know it's fierce. It's fierce. YouTube is a fun place. YouTube is amazing. I love YouTube. I love it too.

So when I was thinking back when I was fucking 16, I would have now 16, uh, 16 year olds now have access to every single recorded gymnastics, um, routine ever. What would have happened to you if that happened? I don't know. It would have been a whole different story. I probably would have never left the room. Do you remember when you got like high speed internet? Do you remember when you got the type of internet where you could click a YouTube video and immediately play? I don't remember. I remember my first day of college i'd never had wi-fi in my life i never experienced wi-fi i was like how do you get internet and they're like it's

in the air and i was like whatever bitch right yeah so i'm in the dorm i logged my wi-fi i remember loading in a youtube video and seeing the bar fill i could watch it immediately and being like holy shit so i'm never leaving this yeah. Now I have a lot to get through. I don't know. Like, I honestly, I don't know what I would have done. I mean, I would have watched every video. I would have watched every video. And if you have YouTube premium, like I do,

I think you also have access to YouTube music, which is like, if you want to hear a song, watch the YouTube video. And also something else great about YouTube premium is you can watch a video, turn off your phone, and the sound will still play. So if you want to hear a podcast or a song, YouTube Premium is so worth it.

I don't even know how much it is now. I think it's like $12. I think it would be worth $50. I'm going to say $25. I watch YouTube every day. It's worth $50. It's so worth it. We're not sponsored.

I guess we are on YouTube. Yeah. Whatever. YouTube is great. Also not to be whatever about it. In entertainment, so many walls are put up by rich, white, straight men who tell other people, you're not mainstream enough. You're not whatever.

On YouTube, if you have a microphone and a camera and whatever, iMovie. A dream. You can just make, basically run your own little mini TV channel. It's fierce. You get your own ad money, do your own content. It's amazing. I love doing YouTube.

John McLean. Of course. Films. Films. Films. They're going to watch this. Incredible. Incredible.

Films. I wait for him to say films. Films. Films. That is it. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. No other place.

YouTube.com. YouTube. YouTube is wild. The beauty world on YouTube. I mean, I'm a little sliver part of that, but it's a whole world. It's a whole landscape. It's a whole landscape. It's a whole industry.

Yeah. Also, the politics of views going up and down and the types of content, the Mr. Beast of it all, the giving away Lamborghinis of it all. Lamborghinis of it all. I was like, oh, really? On Ellen, what you gave away Jennifer Love Hewitt's book? Yeah.

Well, Mr. Beast gave my mom Mars. Yeah, he's giving away $400,000 cars. Yes. Pack it up, Ellen. You know. Anyways. And then some of these YouTube channels are so big.

They are a mini TV station. No, they actually are. They have dozens of employees. Yeah. It's empires. Little empires. Yeah. And with one misstep, they can get torpedoed.

It's fierce. Fierce. It's a push and pull because on YouTube, there's a level of intimacy where people believe they know you. So if you let them down, they feel like they've almost let themselves down. And they're going to let you know about it. Whereas like,

I don't know if they confirm that the owner of Jimmy John's is poaching big game. Yeah. You're probably still going to eat a sandwich. Nothing twice about it. Right. If the owner of a huge makeup brand had a different political view than you, you probably would still buy that mascara.

Yeah. But if it's like a YouTube channel, an indie channel, an indie brand. Yeah. They're like, show me the fucking tax returns now you pig it's it's really but that's the benefit of youtube is the level of intimacy people feel like they're in the room with you show me the tax returns you pig fuck youtube man well i love it i love it i love it yeah um if you haven't subscribed to the Trixie and Kati

channel on YouTube or if you're listening in the car you can always watch us on the YouTube and you can subscribe to my channel even though I have not

uploaded to anything in quite a while and will continue to not do so in quite a while but still time flies on YouTube but you can go back

honey there's all there watch my music videos they're fierce they're hunty I was talking to my editor, Nick, and I said, Nick,

you and I have been working together so long. How many videos do you think we've done? 50, 40, 40, 50. He texted me back the next day. We've done over 300.

I said, talk about it. But the time flies. You know how many episodes of other are? 116. No, it's like 250 or something. Really?

Yes. Wow. We've been doing that shit for like eight years continue to do it what if we do it for 10 years i think we should i i had a dream that we had an emmy i had so i had a dream that i coordinated with like as a present for you for some reason you were kind of out to lunch and i was like in bed with the emmy board committee and um and i we i was like you're so surprised because i was like we're so surprised because i was like we're going to emmy's and it's like it's like you you told me like you want to go to emmy's i was

like yeah in drag it's like yeah and i and i was i looked cunt i had like a blonde ponytail with a black dream it was a dream a black leather bustier dress with black leather gloves not sweating a dream um a fantasy we looked cunt. So cunt. Getting images. And then we won and you cried. If we ever won an enemy, I know you're supposed to be poised. No, you would cry. I would get up to that microphone.

I would say, I know none of you fuckers thought this would happen for us. I can know it. And y'all can eat shit. You fat pig. You fat pig. And we'll see you next year. We'll see you next year. By the way, I just won an award. This is not part of it. And y'all can eat shit. You fat pigs. And we'll see you next year. By the way, I just won an award. This is not part of it.

This is the American Reality Television Awards. Trixie Motel won the Outstanding Document Series. What is that? A little receiver? A little television. Cute. I couldn't believe it. Isn't that fun? Welcome. Anyway, that wasn't related. I put it here to show it to you and then I forgot about it. Oh, that's fun. I love that. This is a fun award. We can win an Emmy someday.

No, I think we're going to. I think we're going to do it until we get to Emmy. You're not supposed to want it, though. No, you're going to want it. You're not supposed to want it. You're supposed to be like, what? I was like, no, never. No, not us.

You pay your publicist a quarter million dollars to launch an Emmy campaign and then you go, I didn't even want that. Yeah, exactly. I was like, that was the whole thing. In the dream, it was like the politics of this was like, I think I had slept with someone who was like on the board or something. That's our only way. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Anyways. You think that exposing your naked body to someone's going to make them give us an award? Okay. What's going to happen is you're going to have to die. I know. If we did a season of Uh, and then we tried to get nominated and you, even if it's fake,

disappear. And I have to go up there and I go, I wish she was here. And then I fly in. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Rubber band. Fly for the back of the roof. So what? I snatch it and I go, yes. And straight through the wall

and there's a cutout. That's fierce. Ooh, there ain't no other way. That's fierce. Alright. Bye.