The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Live from the Moontower Comedy Festival with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

To celebrate our 75th episode of the auditory smegma we call The Bald & The Beautiful, we were planning on either making out with strangers underneath the 101 overpass or recording a live episode at the beautiful Paramount Theatre in Austin, TX as part of the Just for Laughs Moontower Comedy Festival. We opted for the latter. Enjoy the utter exquisiteness that is the next 60 minutes of your life, you disgusting heathens. Special Thanks to: Dustin S. and everyone at the Paramount Theatre in Austin, the Moontower Comedy Festival, & Just For Laughs! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Girl, the moon tower. The moon tower. Can we have a brief round of applause for our outfits? Can you believe us? We wore this. And you wore this. And you wore that. Have a great night. Bye. Austin, what is the tea, Christine?

How many of you were at the show last night? A double header. Yeah. That was fun. We're having a blast. I mean, this is going to be a little challenging talking to each other as if we haven't seen each other for the past fucking 30 days straight. Honestly, I spend more time hoping

something interesting happens to you than something interesting happens to me. I'm like, I would love for her to get some kind of foot infection or like something. I would love that. Or I'd get fucked. Although I did have sex in Pittsburgh. I just want to keep you all updated Although I did have sex in Pittsburgh. I just want to keep you all updated.

I did have sex in Pittsburgh and it was lovely, gal. But just one time, I mean, listen, I know I'm an unfuckable monster and I'm a goblin out of drag, but Jesus Christ, look at these inches.

Yeah. Whoever's head that grew out of must be really gorgeous. And I thought for this city and Austin, I thought this would be the stop on the tour where I don't have sex. Just switching it up. Oh, yeah. This fucking nymphomaniac over here.

Nympho. Who am I to deny the people? Look at me. Yeah, look at the material. Look at, you know. She got COVID. She's in her immunity era. Oh, mama. The best thing to happen to my sex life was the

badge and the gun they give you when you get COVID immunity, bitch. She is fucking and sucking on the road like whodunit. Yeah, I don't even know who I am anymore. Meanwhile, Mr. Brank over here can't get fucking fingered

for my life. Mr. Full Body Burns. This is a live taping of the bald and the beautiful. Yes. I'm just going to put this over here

so that they can see all of this stuff. It's kind of inappropriate for them to just wheel out stripper poles like this. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen those videos of those women stripping at home

and the pole moves and they fall to the ground? I sure have. Love that. Love that. Love that energy. Yeah. Well, thank you guys so much for coming. You know, I have to share a little anecdote that happened earlier today.

It was an interesting thing happened in the shower. So I was in the hotel and I bought this lovely giant Bluetooth speaker that plays music really, really loud. And I, and I put my little, my little Russian pop on and then I'm in the shower and I'm shaving and I'm like doing this. I'm like, I'm like doing this naked and shaving. And then I start crying. Why? Because it was so beautiful? No, because I... Because I... Because I got so grateful.

I got filled with gratitude. I was like, oh my god, we're on tour and everybody's so nice. And then the merch guy told me the other night, he was like, listen, I've worked so many tours and your fans are the nicest, most polite people ever.

Every single customer from the start to the bitter end, smiling, happy, polite. And then I just started crying. Because, listen, I do meet and greets for a living. I've met these people. Let me tell you some of the things that they've said to us on this tour.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Somebody said to this person, they said, you guys remind me of me and my best friend, Trixie, I'm you, and my best friend is a 69-year-old witch. And I went, oh, really? Which one of us is the witch? And the girl goes, I mean...

And then she pointed. And then two days ago, this girl sat down. I said, hi. And she sat down, and she goes, yes. Long pause. And then she goes, yes. Long pause. And then she goes, God. It was so funny. Yeah, we get a lot.

Well, I get a lot of backhanded compliments. Oh, oh my God. Oh, oh, my favorite one. My favorite one. We were in Milwaukee last year. We were at my bar. This is it for pride. And somebody, thank you.

And somebody came up and she said, Trixie, I love your style. And she turned to Katya and said, and I love your attitude. It was the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Standing there like, thank you, thank you so much. And I never know, when people say we look better up close,

I always, because I think we look like crap up close, I always think, well, what the fuck do we look like on screen? I know. I know. It's a lot of, we do, I think people get, well, I look like a deck chair with lashes on. Okay. So up close, I'm like, you think this is,

what kind of monsters do you surround yourself with in your real life? I know. I. So up close, I'm like, you think this is, what kind of monsters do you surround yourself with in your real life? I know. I know. And also, people are, we've noticed that they are terrified. Terrified of us. During the meeting, terrified of us. Terrified. Oh my God. This fag, well, I can say fag. I have a gay friend. He came up, he came up to the meet and greet and he goes, you know, our meet and greet took to meet us both. I'm just going to say how much it costs. It costs $300, whatever. Okay.

Shoot me in the eye, bitch. So he comes up and he's like a fag or whatever. So you're us. I'm him. And then he comes up and he goes, so $300. Would he just split that or? So fierce. And I said, we do.

We do. We're not selling fucking penicillin. Jesus Christ. But I feel bad because it is a premium price and then they get up there... There's no fucking way you don't have to buy it. That's not why I feel bad. Oh, why?

You know, I'll sell water to a whale bitch. Hello. I feel bad because they get up there and the look in their faces. Horror, house of horrors, haunted mansion, Marie Laveau presents. Yeah, literally, I mean,

and I feel bad because literally they'll be like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Literally that. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy and i wish i thrive on that energy um because whenever i see somebody like sweatier than me i just instantly relax oh if i ever see anybody who is nervous i'm just like oh god this is great yeah yeah it's wild i

was nervous about sweating on this tour, and then I realized I'm on stage next to this person. Mom. I look bone dry every fucking night, girl. I want to talk to you about hyperhidrosis. I don't ask for a lot in my life. I don't ask for a lot. I really don't.

I'm a woman with simple pleasures. Cornichons. Cornichons. I love little sourdough pickles in a jar. I love paper towels. And I love air conditioning. Those are the three things I want. I know you bitches in Texas love air conditioning.

Yes. It is a human right here in the heart of Texas. Is it not? Yes. It is a right right here in the heart of Texas, is it not? Yeah. Yes. It is not, it is a right, not a privilege. Yeah. But some of these fucking boondock boot scooting theaters, I got to tell you, they are trying to smoke me out.

Girl, girl. They are trying to smoke out the dog. Girl, it's like they cut you open, they saw the inside was pink, and they're like, it's not done. Put it back in the oven. It's horrible. They want that shit brown and crispy. Yes, although Texas, the air conditioning everywhere is lit.

You go to a gay bar here, you're cold. I think they have central air at the Alamo, bitch. They have it everywhere here. Everywhere. But it's the middle countries where it's deciduous. Sometimes it's winter, sometimes it's... That's when it's dark-sided. Mama.

The first night or the i think it was um so we've been on tour since what the march 1989 yeah yeah march 14th this is we've done 20 something shows and our second night in um in san francisco when we did like or the first night we did like a dress rehearsal the show was almost three hours um before we cut anything from the show. And I remember at one point, maybe like 25 minutes into the show, you like grabbed me and you're like, oh my god, you are wet.

There's this part where I'm supposed to talk to her. We're acting, right? And it's stupid because everybody there knows we do this for a living. So we're pretending to do acting in front of people who know that we can't act. It's very full. The real acting is done by the audience who's like, oh, this is theater, okay. And so I'm holding her

and it's just, you know, it's brittle and it's just, you know, it feels like a bath mat. It's like a wet dying bird. No, it's like a bath mat stuffed with mag lights. You know what I mean? It's just wet, hard batteries. So, and I just look at her right in her fucking face and I go, you are wet. Girl, and I just look at her right in her fucking face

and I go, you are wet. Girl, and there's nothing, does anybody here sweat a lot? You guys sweaty? Does anybody sweat a lot? And you know,

maybe you know, like it works the same with like nerves and stuff. Like, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh. Oh, Riley. No, it's like when you're in middle school and you get embarrassed and you turn red and somebody's like, oh, my God, you're turning red.

Oh, yeah. And then you just turn purple. Yeah. And that's like with sweating. It's like when you're sweating and you're aware of it and then you start to sweat more. And then if somebody says, oh, my God, you're sweating so much, then you just might as well pass out and die. Give it up. Give up the ghost.

Give up the ghost. Give up the ghost. It's tough. And so we actually today, we're trying to multitask on tour because we're so busy and we have a bunch of ads we have to record. So I figured we'd just take this time to record ads. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, great idea. I think it's a shock to all of us that our friends at Chime have not gotten mad at me for pretending to be a child for months. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Drag is fun. Drag is fun. So, wait, how many people did see the show last night? Oh, four. Yeah. We live on a tour bus. That's fun. By the way, anybody who grew up trailer trash like me, anybody?

Yeah. Let me tell you this. Don't get too successful. They put you right back in the fucking trailer, bitch. Yeah. First day of tour, they're walking me through. I'm like, I know how this goes. Let me know when my mom gets here. And we also travel. Well, my bus is full of the dancers, so there are four elite physical specimens flashing their 12-packs in my face all day. I've never felt more like a fucking just pokey. Like, I'm a Pokemon. I don't know what I am.

You're on the, she's on the gay bus. There's a lot of malicious gay faggotry happening on her bus. I'm on the straight bus, all the tech people, it's just me, Cinderella in the back, gooning and baiting, you know? And it's like,

it is a fuck, and I close the door. I mean, this is, it's pretty, I wouldn't say chic, but it's kind of luxe in a way.

Yeah. I close the sliding door and then it's about 30 degrees in there with a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, blowing my eyes into like, frozen, frozen. sliding door and then it's about 30 degrees in there with an AC blowing my eyes into like

frozen. But that's what I want. My dream is to be like Mr. Freeze's wife when he's like, she's like frozen. That's my dream. Or be Mr. Freeze, Mitch. Yeah, I'm like a frozen bag of broccoli back there. And it's fierce though.

And everyone's, and now my lovely assistant back there. And it's fierce, though. And every once in now, my lovely assistant Eden, God love her, saint, saint. And she'll open the crypt door at around 10 a.m., flash the lights on, and go, and then I just pull the blanket over my head and then sleep for another two hours. Oh, no.

They know not to walk in on me, because they know I could be doing anything. Do you, do you, Do you jerk off in there? I'll jerk off. I'm jerking off now. What am I supposed to do? I'm just a human being. I look in the mirror. I see myself. I go, hmm.

Can I say something? Something's going on over there. I don't know. By the way, I love that this podcast used to be about beauty, and now we explicitly talk about air conditioning. Air conditioning. Yeah. It's about HVAC and masturbation. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next-level success? In a place that is innovative and practical?

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But when we were renovating the motel, do you know I felt like I had a gun to my head because I was like, if the air conditioning in here is not the one, I am a liar. Yeah. And I'm not a gun to my head because I was like, if the air conditioning in here is not the one, I am a liar. Yeah. And I'm not a provider for my children. I know. I'm just trying to get home to my children. You know what else is funny when you're on tour,

you're away from all your drag and it actually gets very simple when there's no options of what to wear. This is your outfit, hope you like it. You're gonna see it till December. Yeah. Put on the brown suit and go out there and wiggle, gal. Yeah.

And there's a strategy. There's a meet and greet strategy. That's when you bust out the t-shirt dress, the caftan. Something where you could have a full erection and no one knows. Case in point, I'm wearing a fucking apron. And she has a full erection right now. Yeah. My two inch boner is concealed right with this fold right here. Boop, boopction right now. Yeah. My two-inch boner is concealed

right with this fold right here. Boop, boop, boop. Uh-huh. Yeah. I did make out with someone like, listen, I'm... Did you make out with a guy last night? I'm gonna be 40. What? Did you kiss a guy last night? I did. I made out with him in public. I saw that. Yes. At Oil Can Harry's.

Yeah. By the way, before anyone asks, I went to the cooler at Oil Can Harry's and I. By the way, before anyone asks, I went to the cooler at Oil Can Harry's and I took a picture. She sure did. I just have to sing a little sad song for you right now, just really quickly. I'm rapidly approaching 40.

I know I did a fake out last year where I had a 40th birthday party, but I'm actually 39. I just wanted to get the emotional turmoil over with. But I am turning 40. birthday party, but I'm actually 39. I just wanted to get the emotional turmoil over with. But I am turning 40. I was born in 1982. And while I recognize the fact that I look stunning right now,

when it's, you know, when the wig is off and the pantyhose are tucked away, it's a little bit of a different story. However... It's also stunning. It's just a different kind of stunning. You know, like when you stumble upon a dead neighbor.

Like the Babadook. The Babadook is stunning. It's stunning. You go to feed your sugar glider and he's not with us anymore. That kind of thing. The goldfish is floating at the top of the water. Yeah, it's kind of like that. However, I'm finally coming to terms

with the fact that it is possible that my technique in terms of pulling guys is maybe not the best, where I look dead into their face without blinking,

and I say, I find you extremely attractive, and I would love to have sex with you if you're interested. I'm not going to put you on the spot right now, but please,

I'll give you 15 minutes. Come see me. I'll be right over there. But that's not... They think I'm joking. No, don't thumbs up right now, but please, I'll give you 15 minutes. Come see me. I'll be right over there. But that's not. They think I'm joking. No, don't thumbs up her. Don't thumbs up her. No, it's not working.

She hasn't fucked in weeks. Do you think it's working? It's not working. It's not working. Well, you know how I knew that I came out of COVID more famous? Because I haven't been on tour and I booted up Grindr and I get banned about every two days because people think I'm a catfish. Can I just ask this? Mama, who is catfishing as this monster?

Who the fuck would pretend to be a 32-year-old bald cross-dresser? Yeah. For what? Ryan Reynolds. To what end? Ryan Reynolds. Tom Hardy. Go big.

These are great catfish options. If you're catfishing, you don't pick a famous person at all. You pick someone from the polls catalog. Yes, thank you. Okay. Yeah. Anyway. Well, so anyways, my sad story. I really...

The clock is ticking. And I'm, you know, I don't think that I'm long for this earth. You're in the winter of your life. I'm in the winter of my life. My mother always said I had a chameleon soul. I really, I

need to have sex. I don't need to have sex. I mean, I want to have sex. I need to have sex. I need the touch of a man. But I don't really need to have sex. I just need to do this. This is what I really want. You know, a little kissy kissy, a little touchy touchy. I'm not into fisting. I don't want to fist somebody. I don't want my whole shoulder up somebody's fucking digestive system.

It's fine if you do. It's fine if you do. Go for it, girl. No, bitches, these faggots are out here doing Jim Henson. Just, hello. Mary. Just straight up there. Yeah.

By the way, you move to L.A., and all of a sudden you're at brunch, and you realize that everybody's the fucking GI doctor. Everybody's the GI doctor. It's like kissing. What? No. They're fucking butt chugging a whole keg of fucking white wine spritzer up their ass and then splashed it in the face.

It's just, it's a lot. Can we pay for brunch before you thumb me? Yeah. It's wild. Long story short, but you know, we're here tonight and we're staying over in a really nice hotel. And that bed is real, that bed gets real lonely with just me in it. So, um, I don't have any STIs that I know of, and I'm really,

I'm, you know, I almost just said where we're staying. We can't do that. Well, I wouldn't mind. They'll show up, bitch. That's okay. They'll show up. Um, no, it's not okay. Two nights ago on the tour bus, somebody left a Polaroid of their penis on our bus.

I would like to see it. It was nice. It was nice. It's in my bunk now. But, you know, I don't know if people are fans of the show. I'm really easy. I have a type and it's like a very broad strokes. I don't, I'm not very picky. But you can't say, you can't pick them up

when you pick them up. And also you need the hygiene thing. You can't smell like a fucking bouillon cube, bitch. You need to like. Mama, I don't care what they smell like. I don't care if their face is caked with shit. No, you. You. You. I don't smell bad. Well, let's see

what the audience thinks. That's why God invented showers. Do you see those two empty seats right there? You notice they're right in front of you? Those people left. How many of you would have sex with this person? Like I said, we don't have to go full penetrative Congress. I'm totally second base.

This is fine for me. I like to preserve my, you know what? Well, it's too bad I'm not interested in young, beautiful women because most of the people who want to fuck us are young, beautiful women. I know. It's a horrible situation. I know. It's water everywhere, but not a cock to suck.

I know. It's just tough. If God were real, I would be praying every morning to just turn me bisexual because the way I would pound that gash. Oh my God. Girl. Girl. With my good little six inch boner, I would just go in and out and in and out. Then suck on the

pussy lips and then fondle the titties. Are you having a good time, ma'am? Are you having a good time? Is there anything I can do to make this experience more pleasurable? Please write it down and then I will take that note and I will try better next time. Yeah. Well, there was a woman at the Mean Greet that said, Trixie, I just have to tell you I always want to have sex with you in my dreams.

And I say, some people would shut it down. I was interested. I said, in the dreams, I said, do I have a penis or do I have a vagina? I wanted to know. And she said, sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both. Sometimes both. If I had a vagina, let me tell you, And she said sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both. Sometimes both. If I had a vagina, let me tell you, I wouldn't be here right now.

This stool would be mysteriously absent, girl. Yeah. If you don't use it, you know. Can we play Connie Chung in Geraldo? I don't know. People don't know what that is. Can I interview you for a moment? Absolutely, you may.

Okay. I'm just curious to know what has been your most cherished memory so far on the tour? What's been the high point for you? The high point for me will be in three days when the first leg is over.

Oh. Not to interrupt you, but I will. And that was my interview. Thank you. The way that I'm going to... You don't know. We're talking about wanting to have sex. It's not really that.

The way that... The things I'm going to do to my bed when I get home, the things, the atrocities that I will wreak upon, the fabric that is... That bed will wish it was never born. You know what it's gonna be? A medium is gonna come to your house and go over your bed and be like,

something happened here. Something, something, I don't know. Well, I leave this tour and I go straight to the UK to start my other tour, so this whore gets two months off. She's gonna sit home and flick her bean. One month, one month. Thank you very much. Well, some of us are out here trying to feed our kids.

It's not my fault you had kids, bitch. I got fake plants that need fake water. No, seriously, what's your favorite moment? Well, I had a difficult moment, an accidental moment, because on the tour, somebody feeds us. It's so lovely. Somebody selects the food. Our job is to walk into a room and eat the food. Queen of tact.

It's great. Queen of tact. But I never know who's doing what. I got stuff going on. So it's like the first few days in a tour, I walk, I say, I can smell the catering room. I'm going to go in there and get food. And it smells like it's going to be Indian food. And I had falafel

so many days in a row. Falafel is not Indian, but okay, go ahead. Oh, sorry. Mediterranean. Mediterranean. I had Mediterranean. So then, that's not the story. The story, I'm from rural Wisconsin. Okay.

I go to get the falafel and I'm like, oh God. And then I walk in, I realize it's not falafel. And I'm so happy because I like falafel, but not so many days in a row. And I turned to this woman who works on the tour and I say, Lindsay, I'm so happy it's not falafel because I was going to put a gun to my head. She's the fucking head of catering. She does the food on the tour. And she goes, well, you know, you can request a lot of different options. And I was like, oh,

okay. I will. Thank you so much for making that available to me. Goodbye. Right thing, right time, right place. I always know just what to say to the right person. Will you tell them about the bare minerals thing? The what? The bare minerals.

Oh, the bare minerals person? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, Brandon's over there yelling. Hi, Brandon. Hi, Brandon. Okay, one time I went to Thanksgiving. So I went to Thanksgiving once. Wasn't for me.

Well, I'm Native American, but we still do Thanksgiving. It's very confusing. So none of us know why we're there, but we're hungry. Okay. And I went to an adult Thanksgiving once, and I worked at Ulta for several years, and I was like, bare minerals, what a stupid product. Waste of money.

Oh, my God, it gets everywhere. It's so uptight. It's stupid. And then everyone at the table was silent, and I go, what? And then this guy across from me goes, I'm the CEO of Bare Minerals or whatever. And I was like. No, what did you do?

Like, what did you do? I started backpedaling, of course. You were like, oh, I was joking. I said, well, you know, like that product's great for someone or like it wouldn't sell so good if everyone. And he was like, it's cool. We make, you know, I was like, all right, cool. Yeah. So I I left I left town and I lived

with the what's the most challenging moment so far in the tour for you the sweating the sweating the sweating

the sweating the sweating when I look over it's so funny like there's a I don't know what you would call it but there's a very

clear like if you're if there is perspiration on your face we know what you would call it, but there's a very clear like, um, if there is perspiration on your face, we know what's happening here. If I'm damp, you are ghost ship.

If you are, if I see these water droplets on your nose, and then I'm reminded that I look like I just jumped into a pool. Yeah, yeah. If I'm looking spooky, that's the lovely bones. Okay? But I know that you guys can't tell because theater and lighting, but my nose actually is not this small and thin.

It's actually a giant male nose. It's huge. I have the nose of Jim Halpern without any of the other good looks. That's my nose. And it's strange. You get these big droplets on it. Giant droplets on a brown bulb

with a white crayon down the middle. It's very funny. It's very, you know, it's tough. The sweating. We do Hello Hello on tour the whole dance

from the video and at the end of it I'm like, tonight's the night I die. Yeah. She died doing what she loved. Yeah.

Sweating. Yeah, yeah. There's like, there's a moment where I like, Kelly hits me and I fall to the ground and I roll and I get up and I, I almost like, it took my breath away when I saw the fucking oil slick. It was like a puddle, like someone dropped a bucket of water on the, it was, it's so embarrassing. Yeah, Kelly Mantle's in the tour. She's so good.

So good. She's so, so good. We were so lucky to get her. She's so good. So good. So good. She's so, so good. We were so lucky to get her. She's, I mean, I don't know if you know her from Drag Race. She had like, you know, one episode, whatever. It was like a fluke. But she's, no, but she's so, so talented. And I don't know if you guys are familiar with the series The Browns,

the Tammy Brown. And she is so fucking funny in that. And so we were really, really, really lucky to have her come on the whole tour with us. And we're so grateful because she's so funny. She's so funny. And she is always funny. Every time she's on stage, she's funny. You know, she doesn't have like a dull moment.

Unlike us, which, you know, levels. Epsom flow, epsom flow, yeah. But she, my favorite is that she comes, after intermission, she's been doing this thing where she has like Parkinson's or something. Yeah, I don't know what she's doing. I don't know what it is, but she's just so wild and crazy, it's really funny.

Yeah, yeah. I guess Parkinson's is not very funny, sorry about that. Indian food and Parkinson's. Yeah, that's the takeaway of the evening. We're always saying the right thing. So Kelly comes out and what I don't love is that faggots lean over and explain to each other who she is right in front of her while she's there. I was like, just wait till the end of the show, okay?

Tell people she's Ellen Barkin. Just go with it. I know. At the other night, there was a couple of gay guys in the front row who were a little judgy, I guess. They were like, did you see them? They were like this the whole time. Right in the front row. And I couldn't help but notice there were a couple.

And one of them was like this. And the other one was like leaning on him like this. That was our audience. That was our audience in Los Angeles when we did the test audience. The whole night. The whole night. I mean, they did not crack a smile. And I wanted to be like, just...

Oh, that's fun. It's a girl yelling at a drag show. Stop the press. It's a girl yelling at a drag show. Stop the press. Any other rich content you want to contribute, baby doll? Let me know. I can run in these shoes. Did I say the wrong thing again?

Oh, darn. Can I talk about wrong thing again? Oh, darn. Can I talk about the heat here? Do the drag queens here just die in the summer? Do they pass away? Is every night just your swan song? You're like, what night? What's the number tonight? Because this will be the night I die.

Dula peep, then dead. You know, just dead. I know. I picked the wrong profession. Girl, you really did. We both did. We really did. It's so strange. And I don't love... I'm not a masochist.

I don't love pain at all. I don't love discomfort. You know me. I don't ever like to feel bad. That's why I got hooked on drugs. You know? This is just like a constant... It's like a non-stop parade of humiliation and degradation being in drag.

It's really something. This is the tea, right? You start to get good at drag. And just when you figure out what you're doing, your body starts to disintegrate. Yeah. Because it's really a sport for the drunk 21-year-olds. Yeah. Once you're 40, it's like sleeping with the enemy

and you know who the enemy is. It's the calls coming from inside the house, Beverly. I look over, all the cans are organized one way in the cupboard and it's me who did it. It's a deep part. And then suddenly you're like, well, what's everyone else been doing?

Everyone else your age has been going to night classes and now they're librarians. Yeah, now they're medical billings experts and they've got a nice little gig going on, 401k. Yes. I'm over here gluing things to my toenails wondering what happened. Meanwhile, I'm in a wig sweating my ass off begging strangers to

fuck me. I'm at a CVS desperately trying to find a pack of nails that's big enough for my Shrek hands. You know it's bad when you have to buy a pack of toenails just so you can have thumbs. Or, you know, just to make it a little grosser, the other night when I

had, I talked a little too vigorously because, you know, we do this thing where we rip off our skirts and we have like French cut leotards with fucking pussy cleavage and I mean. It's almost like the outfits were made to be worn by women. By women, yeah.

With full fucking laser bikinis. Yeah, and for the first, like there was like a week where my tuck was like shifting and it was not a cute look to kind of like, you know, go grave digging like while on stage. So I like really fucking yanked it back. I pulled

that taffy within an inch of its life and fucking shoved it up there. And then halfway through the show, I'm like, oh, oh, oh. Children are off the table. Girl. It's that moment where the

penis meets the body, where the veil between realities is the thinnest. It's the wishing hour. It's the wishing hour. And sometimes I'm on stage and I'm like, funny, funny, funny. Oh, did it come off? I think it came off. I'm just going to say for a couple

of days, I may or may not have had scabs on my dick. I know. Like you've never had them. Am I right, ladies? Scabs on the dick? Ladies. Sounds like a Tuesday. Yeah, girl. Yeah, girl.

Yeah, girl. On that dick, girl. Upper Canada College inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12 to find their passions and realize their potential. An IB World School, UCC offers a supportive environment, cutting-edge facilities, and a best-in-Canada financial assistance program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet. Learn more at our open house events on October 15th and 16th. Register now at causeandeffect.ucc.on.ca. Can I use it where my bra rubs under my... Oh, yeah. And what about down there?

You know, my... Totally. Four out of five gynecologists would recommend it. So I tried it, and now I get 72 hours of freshness from my pits to my... Ooh, I love that it's a spray. Me too. And it comes in sticks and creams too.

Go get your secret whole body deodorant. The King Living Fall Sale is on now. Save up to 50% on selected Australian-designed, Go get your secret whole body deodorant. fun. You're going to be 40. I'm going to be fucking 40. We got to shut that down. We got to shut it down. I'm going to buy a linen suit. You know what you should do for drag? Do you remember in Snow White when she's asleep and there's just a glass viewing? Yeah. We hook it up to a window. We hook it up to a glass though. You know what I mean? That fogged up glass.

Frosted glass. Yeah, frosted. Extra frosted. We hook up a window unit right into there and you're in there like this. No, with carbon dioxide coming in. You know, just like a midsummer. I got the hose right in my mouth. Yes. And your eyes are closed, but you're smiling.

Yeah. Well, it's like, I don't know, whatever they're doing with Lenin. Not John, you know, Vladimir Lenin. And the tomb, you know how they preserved. I don't know if you know this. I don't know that. Okay, well, they have an incredible team of scientists who are, like, at the forefront of embalming corpses in Russia.

Yeah. And, Mama, they have him on display, and whatever they are doing, that's what I want. That bitch is over 100 years old. Is she giving? She is giving. She's giving. She's fully dead.

She ate. She ate. She let the girls know at the gig. She's doing what the girls shoulda did. Yeah, she's fiercely dead and has been forever. But she's on display. She's on display in the tomb. How dead is she?

She's fiercely dead. That bitch is fucking dead. Yeah, but she's looking so fierce. And I kind of want what she's having. I'll have what she's having. Sucking on dead juice. Anybody know of mung diving? No? Okay.

Just to pivot from mung diving, we don't always have an audience for a podcast. We never do. We thought it would be, yeah, we never do. No, we never do. We never do. But I thought sometimes in Uber, like a Postmates person comes.

Yeah, that's true. A drifter wanders in from off the street. Or like a sound tech who hates us listening to us make jokes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I thought we could open up possibly some questions. I don't know. Make it interactive. Some of you are going to go home this week,

and you're going to want to listen to Baldwin Beautiful, but you're going to have heard it here, and you're going to be like, shit. Yeah. I already heard it. Yeah. So let's get your two cents in if anybody has the question would be delighted to answer it and please nothing weird nothing weird don't read like weird

poetry or so what's your question well I'll be the judge of that I've always wanted to know if you guys ever meet up. Oh. No. No. No. We have not. No. Did you see the women get hushed?

They're like, ah. I have told this story before and I will tell it again. There was one night where we were, I think it was me, you and Courtney. Yeah. Courtney Act was also there. If you're really into lesbian shit, it was all three of us. We were all hanging out in my apartment in Boston, and then

we were all going to bed, and then me and you were in my bed for some reason, and then I was trying to do kissy stuff on you, and then I distinctly remember you saying, I was like, you're like, no, maybe if you were younger. That's not what I said. That is not true. That is absolutely what I said. That is not true.

That is absolutely 100% true. That could not have happened. That happened, bitch. It fucking happened. Oh, boopity-boopity-boopity. I was like, you know what? Maybe if you were 14, 15, we could have worked this out. No, I don't believe that happened, but I do.

It did happen. I remember it scarred me. There was the one summer where I got really ripped and really tan. That never happened. Yes, it one summer where I got really ripped and really tan. That never happened. Yes, it did. Mama ripped? Mary, that was the night you said, you know I can't let you go to sleep without making out with you.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about. And then you said, yeah, maybe I would if you were 10 years younger. Do you like how we went from this never happened to a detailed synopsis of the night we made out? Well, you know what? So what is the truth, Ellen? Well, it's better, you know, ask your producers, ask everyone. You know what? The moral of the story is

it almost happened, and that's something to finger yourself to. That's better than it happening. It's the wanting. It's the pursuit. Yeah, don't cry because it didn't happen. Smile because it could have. Go home, hook that Hitachi up to a generator, and fuck off, bitch. Blow the power.

Blow the circuit from the whole block. Girl, take the power out on the block, okay? Any other questions? That was a great question. Oh, what's your question? Long-time listener, first-time caller. Okay. When is the Trixie and Katya movie coming out?

Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Would you watch that shit? You would? Well, I've been trying to get, I've been trying to get Soap Fish produced. Have you, has anybody ever seen the movie that's from 1992, I believe, called Soap Fish produced. Has anybody ever seen the movie that's from 1992, I believe,

called Soap Dish? It's an ensemble. It's a comedy. It's an ensemble comedy with Sally Field, Kevin Kline, Kathy Moriarty, Whoopi Goldberg, Robert Downey Jr., Carrie Fisher, Elizabeth Shue.

It's so good. Gary Marshall. And it takes place on the set of a soap opera where it turns out behind the scenes is a lot more soapy than on air. And I think it has an extremely dated transphobic ending.

However, it is ripe for a refresh on a reality show. And I think if you made it soap fish and you cast like Shangela as Whoopi Goldberg and like Jinx as Sally Field and Mia as Elizabeth Shue, although I'm probably too old for that. Oh cast like Shangela's would be Goldberg and like, um, Jinx says, uh, Sally Field and me as Elizabeth shoe, although I'm probably too old for that. Shangela's already cast. She's already cast it. She's like,

I'm in the movie. I'm ready. Yeah. It would, it would literally write itself. And it's, it's such a bummer. I can't,

nobody wants to do it. I know. Well, we haven't asked anyone. That's true. That's our main problem. We don't have a lot of follow through. Great ideas.

Not even great ideas. Not even great ideas. Not even great ideas. Not great ideas, no follow through. A germ of a seed of an idea, yeah. A recipe for success. Yeah. Do you want to pick one? Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, right over there. Don't yell at us. Yes. In the tube top, I think you're wearing a strapless top. Yeah. Oh, no, no. Oh, there's another strapless top. Sorry.

Yes. Everybody's so slutty. How many people are in tube tops? Jesus Christ. By the way, I strapless top. Sorry. Yes. Everybody's so slutty. How many people are in tube tops? Jesus Christ. By the way, I love your outfit. You're so fierce. I think you have to wear it on me. No one knows. Okay.

Question. What is the best way to go through tour without eyes? Oh, that's a really... Okay, you know what? To be perfectly honest... Okay, so this is not very funny, but it's helpful. Oh, or... The thing about tour... Perfectly honest. Okay, so this is not very funny, but it's helpful. The thing about tour, this is not, like, very unrelatable,

but I'll keep it brief. When you're on tour, it's very exciting, it's very wonderful. When you're on stage, I mean, it's the most magical thing in the world. It's the most magical thing in the world. It's what I think drugs feel like. It is better than drugs.

Because you don't have to, like, you know, but there's no puking, there's no shitting the bed. You don't have to go to the public park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to get raw dogged by 14 men. But it's, but the thing about it is, like, you can be in limbo, like, where you personally, you can

kind of, don't you, I mean, maybe you don't, but you don't really grow as a person. Like, maybe you don't, but you don't really grow as a person. So you have to... Shut up. Shut up. I've said nothing. I don't answer emails. I've said nothing.

Okay, so the thing is, what is really important to do on tour is learn a language. Oh. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. A craft. You have to acquire a new skill. It is absolutely imperative that you are embroiled in an activity that has a cumulative effect where you're learning a skill. It's so important.

It's so, so, so important. She's learning languages. I'm playing Pokemon Go. Which is, it's great. It's great. And I'm doing another marathon. So that's like, because in the Orange is the New Black, there's this part where that girl who does yoga goes, think of your time here as a mandala.

That's what, because we spend the whole, in order for us to give the bus show, we don't hang out during the day. No. So we don't see this person until meet and greet. No. And then during the day, we just don't speak. We don't, no.

We have separate tour buses. I don't even know if she's dead or alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what keeps it exciting. I mean, honestly, we're at the point now where we thrive on crisis. I need something.

Yeah, we need some kind of like, we have to throw a big wrench into the wheels to like make it exciting. And the producers are shaking their heads. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, no, it's really in that also like brushing your teeth and stuff. Tell them what you said backstage today. No. My dental routine has been thrown, is, listen, I'm a medical mystery with these teeth. I've never had a cavity. I'm almost 40.

I've smoked tons of meth in my life and I've never, I've just, it's crazy. But I, my, so my, my, my rigorous and diligent dental hygienic routine has been thrown a little bit of a curve ball and it's really gross. It feels like I have moss in my mouth right now. Today we were getting IVs, those like hydration IV things, and they went to Katya's room first. And after Katya's room, they came to my room to give me my IV. And you know, I'm in bed, you know, fully bald on a Zoom with the needle in the arm. Like, just a normal day.

And then I go, so what's the worst thing that could happen from these? And the lady goes, well, some people could have adverse reactions. She said, but your friend was okay. I was like, yeah, Katya, yeah, she'll live forever. She's going to be fine. I am literally, I'm like the cockroach. Girl, exactly like the cockroach. I'm ready. It's the irony, of course, is that I'm like the cockroach girl exactly like the cockroach I'm ready

it's the irony of course is that I'm ready to go and then God won't take me we're in rehearsals for the show I'm desperately trying to lose weight this person has dominoes

every day and is having her costumes taken in I know it's well listen I don't know shit nobody will fuck me

so there you go there you go there you go anybody else have a question any other questions I know. Well, listen, I don't know. Shit. Nobody will fuck me. So there you go. There you go. There you go. Anybody else have a question? Any other questions? Ooh, everyone's getting bold now. Right here in the front.

Uh-huh. Yeah. What is your favorite thing about getting a kiss? Oh, God. Ah! Can I phone a friend? Yeah. My long legs. I take a lot of things in drag very seriously,

and I think everything is about making money, and this person reminds me that oftentimes it's about doing only what you want when you want to do it. Listen, it's... This is gonna... This is gonna sound really, really obnoxious,

but she grew up extremely poor. I grew up... Rich. No, no, no, no. Lower middle class. I never had a car. I never had a computer. We never had caller ID.

You had socks and shoes. You were rich. Well, we're not... Listen, we never had extra money. We never went on vacation. We never had caller ID. You had socks and shoes. You were rich. Well, we're not. Listen, we never had extra money. We never went on vacation. We never had anything. I never had more than $100 in my bank account until I was fucking 30 years old. So the thing that is,

I feel very strongly that you will never know the truth of this until you make what I feel to be a lot of money, which is $10,000. When you make $10,000, you discover that money can't make you happy. And it's horrible. Because it seems to me,

every fiber of my being was like, fuck off. If I had $20,000, I would be ecstatic. But it's true. And of course, that number shifts for inflation and everything. But like, you know, don't you, I mean, do you agree?

That's like during COVID in LA when people are like, we had to sell the house in Malibu. We had to get rid of the horses. Yeah. The horses caught fire. Yeah. And so you're saying I inspire you because money makes me happy. No, you don't inspire me at all. No, I'm just saying is that money, girl, money, fuck money, No, you don't inspire me at all. No, I'm just saying it's that money, girl, money, fuck money, whatever. It doesn't make you happy.

It is essential, especially if you have children, all that stuff. But like, you know, if you're just a single gay person like me, I don't need, I just need $35. Does anybody have $35? That's all she needs. I'm like in cash right now. But you know what I mean? It doesn't, I mean, do you think money, you know what I mean it doesn't I mean do you

think money does money make you happy? does money make you happy? but I think it's like really crazy and privileged when people not that you're this not that you're this but it makes everything easier. Of course it does but it doesn't make it happier it makes it easy but easy is not happy easy is not happy

poetry snaps easy is easy happy is Poetry snaps. It's not. Easy is easy. Happy is happy. I was the happiest of my life when I was in debt. Not to say that, that's great. I was in debt to a person, not to Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac or whatever, Sally Mae or whatever. But like, you know, when I had no money,

but I was happy, I was floating. Mama, I was floating two inches above the ground. Uh-uh. But what about, let's say this, let me paint you a picture. It's your one day off a week because you work two jobs and you're in beauty school, right? And your kid's crying and you're like, it's my one day off and I gotta fucking do the dishes and

the laundry and I gotta run errands today. Oh my god, I'm rich. I'm gonna have someone else do it. Now I'm happy. I have a day off. Yes, for one day. For one day. Talk to me in a year. I don't know. I know it's, but

my point is it does sound obnoxious and entitled and it sounds really out of touch, but it's something I was like, oh. Oh. But let's say you're me and you're playing Pokemon Go and you've caught a lot of Pokemon and you've caught so many that you need to buy extra storage and it's $4.99 and you have Go and you've caught a lot of Pokemon and you've caught so many that you need to buy extra storage and it's $4.99

and you have it and you bought it and you're so happy because you're catching Pokemon in Austin, Texas. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I'll say this. It's the little things. On my days off on tour, my hobby is to go to Dave and Buster's. In every city,

I get in the car in an Uber, I go to the Dave and Buster's, and every city, I get in the car in an Uber, I go to the Dave and Buster's, and I just save tickets. And the other day, after spending hundreds of dollars at the Dave and Buster's, I won a tiny, cheap gold necklace that said winner,

and it made me so happy. And then last night at the bar, I got really drunk, and I met someone who had a necklace that said bitch, and he said, I don't really know you, but I think we should trade. And I did, and now who had a necklace that said bitch and he said I don't really know you but I think we should trade and I did and now I have a necklace that says bitch

it's about making connections in the community um wait so my favorite thing about you um is um um I don't think you really get offended at anything. No. No. And that's really like, that's really wonderful, especially in a collaborator. Because, I mean, girl, who fucking cares? Girl, who cares? Who fucking cares?

Tell me the tea. Tell it to my face. Let's move on. Girl, time isn't real and nothing matters. You know, whatever. Absolutely. Anybody else got a question? Is it done?

Are we kicking this out? No, no, no. We have a little more. Okay, good. We have a little more. Let's try to pick somebody in the back. Absolutely. Anybody else got a question? Is it done? Are we kicking this out? No, no, no. We have a little more. Okay, good. We have a little more. Let's try to pick somebody in the back. Okay. The person way in the back in the corner.

The back seats. The poor. No, they're not poor. Yes. Hi. Hi. Yeah. Scream, please.

Is there more things about my college? No, it's not. It's not. Listen, it's not. It's not. Listen, I'm going to take the reins on this one, if you don't mind. I just spoke at my alma mater. Yeah, she just spoke at her college. I went to the horn department at Boston University invited me to speak. The French horn.

The French horn. No, it was the French horn department. French horn. The French horn. No, it was the French horn. It was the French horn department. So I went there, and I probably waxed poetic about how much of a scam college is for about 25 minutes, and everybody was looking at me cross-eyed. But it's just insane.

And it's just so fucking crazy that you will go to your grave with student loan debt, that you cannot default on that with bankruptcy or anything. And I just think it is so fucking nuts in this country. And people come to this country from all over the world to get educated. And that you can

graduate with a liberal arts degree with over $200,000 in student fucking loans. That is insanity. It's crazy. And if you're in the liberal arts, you are absolutely expected to go get a graduate degree and then you can accrue another

$300,000 in loans. It's wild. It's unfair. It's rotten. It's wretched. And I hate this country for that. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Wendy Williams. Oh, yes. 18th century French literature. I recently slept with one nurse and three doctors,

separate occasions, and the first thing I talked about was the loans. And I'm like, how much you got? Tell me the tea. And my jaw hits the floor. I mean, and if you're not going for medicine, engineering, or a law, like, good luck.

Girl, good luck paying those loans back. That being said, we both have like theater inter-arts degrees and we use them every day so there are there are exceptions to the rule right do you think i needed to go to college to do what i do now bitch oh yeah i surely fucking did not i would say when you come to our show you're like these are educated people yeah everything that all of the skills that are at play here were acquired after the college. On the streets.

Yes. I mean, seriously. I received more education from fucking men for money for a year than I did in four years of fucking art school. Yeah. I really did. How to be your own boss. You think they teach how to cross legs? How to do your own hair.

You know, how to get a drunk surly man out of your apartment at 1 a.m. without any violence. Like, there's a lot of interpersonal skills that I acquired on the job. You know, being my own... Being your own boss. Being my own boss. Making your own hours. Making my own hours. Let's say.

Vacation time. Yeah, it's a memory. Anyway, so I think... I mean, you know, obviously it's not a blanket statement, but I just really feel like it's just so crazy. Like, you know, it's like you go to, I don't know, Europe, even fucking Russia. It's free. It's free, Mary. It's free. It should be free.

Move to where it's free. Canada. We're going to Sweden. Yeah, Sweden. We're going to Sweden. Don't get me started about paid maternity leave. Paid maternity leave in this country is a fucking joke. Paid maternity leave. You have a baby? Fuck. Yeah. Paid maternity, you have a baby? Fuck you.

That's the only thing keeping me from getting pregnant. The only thing. This close. Anyways. Anybody else got a question? Anybody in the, hi. Oh my God. I can't even see.

What about the hand right there? Second row. Second balcony. Second row. Woman with hair. Woman with hair. Oh, up in the balcony. Oh, hi guys. Balcony. Yeah, you. Yeah, you., second row, woman with hair. Woman with hair. Oh, up in the balcony. Oh, hi, guys.

Balcony. Yeah, you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to stand up. It's the rule. Oh, wait, two people are standing up now. Oh, we'll get them both. We'll get them both.

Okay, okay. In the back first, and then we'll do you in the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, in the pink, we'll do you in a second. Go ahead. Okay, forget each other. What's your favorite thing about yourself? Oh, my God.

Oh, that's really nice. That's a really nice thing to say. That's forget each other. What's your favorite thing about yourself? Oh my god. Oh, that's really nice. That's a really nice thing to say. That's a nice question. With my floundering self-esteem, that's a really good thing. I'm gonna need to phone a friend again. You go first. Well, I would say that my almost sociopathic selfishness translates, the flip side of that coin is I will complete anything that I want to do because I will not let myself flop.

If I want to do something, I'm going to do it. Even if no one cares. I want a necklace at Dave and Buster's, bitch. I will gas you up for a second because I've had a front row seat to this phenomenon for the past five, six, seven years. And I remember when I was screaming at you in the moonlight in P-Town? Remember? Yes. I remember you were saying that you loved music because it's all

about numbers. Numbers. It's all about numbers. A bleary eyed shirtless in the moonlight. And, um, but I remember, I, I, I recall from the time that we started to become friends over the phone after Drag Race, that you are very methodical and strategic in that you say, okay, there's this goal that I'd like to accomplish. And then you start A, B, C, X, Y, Z, and you do it until it's done. And it's very, very admirable. Well, especially for us, I'm always like, we're queer small businesses. I want us to have everything.

Sure. I fight for us. I provide for us. You businesses. I want us to have everything. Sure. I fight for us. I provide for us. You do. I love us. I mean, to be honest, like, especially nowadays when I don't really ever want to work anymore, like the, um. Nowadays, you never want to work anymore.

No, I went through an ambition era. You didn't know me. But, you know, if it weren't for you, I'd probably just be, you know, plucking chicken feathers in a weird spot in the woods or something. Yeah. The way we work, we really know each other, so I'll be like, I'll do it, but you know who you have to ask? Ask her and see if she'll do it.

And then she'll call me and go, do you really want to do this? Because I don't want to do it. But if it's something you really want to do, I'll do it. And I'll be like, I want to do it. And she's like, all right, we'll do it. But if it's something you really want to do, I'll do it. And I'll be like, I want to do it. And she's like, alright, we'll do it. Yeah. What do you like about yourself? Well,

I, well, unfortunately on this tour I've become a, I've become a cunt. You think? Yeah. You think that started on this tour? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! No, my...

This Joan of Arc, my lovely assistant, this poor, lovely woman, has witnessed this complete shift in personality. She worked for someone different before this tour, and then the wheels on that bus started moving, and I just fucking turned into mr hyde it was like a juggled mr hyde situation however um i would say that um i i like that i don't um if i don't laugh i'll die so i have to laugh every day and then i and then you know i mean

like yes of course yeah yeah yeah i would say at the worst times you and i have been through some ups and downs and they have they have yielded some of the funniest things to laugh about. I mean, I would just say my teeth. That's my favorite part. Your teeth. We can't say our hair. No. I don't know what we look like out of drag. It's not good.

It hasn't been good for a long time. It's not good. Houston, we have a goblin. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Yeah. Girl. Girl. Girl. I look like something that would get scraped off my dick. Did you have a question?

Yeah, up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're really projecting. Great voice. Okay, don't yell. Question is for us. When you guys are doing your opening lines,

do you guys ever write that? Never. You guys are so, people always ask that. I know. I don't think we're that smart. They're not that good to be like, I don't know. We've been phoning it in for years. I don't know if you noticed, at this point,

we're just saying lines from movies. They're not even. I've been doing that for the last six years. They're not even good anymore. Just going down the lines of Clue every day, yeah. No, I think that's like the fun part of that thing. Especially that show in particular. We just show up and let it rip. Also, of course,

it has so much to do with the talent and diligence of the editors. Yeah, we show up. They take turds and turn it into trophies. I mean, for sure. You guys are always like, I wish I could see it unedited. I'm like, no, you don't. No, you don't.

No, you don't. Because some days, I mean, when we are not feeling it, oh, my God, there has been some fucking, I mean, there's been some times where I get out of that chair and I'm like, what the fuck are they going to do with this? Yeah. What are they going to do with this? But then it turns out great because they're so talented. They deep fry it. They French braid it. It turns out okay.

Yeah. They put some googly eyes on it. And, yeah, it's great. Yeah. Oh, wait. I wanted to say something earnest. Go for it. So back in the shower, I was

really, I was, I was, I was really, I got caught in the middle of three things. Like hygiene, and sensuality and then also the gratitude. And I just want to say, you all make me so happy,

and it's really, really, really, really wonderful because I actually feel like if I got real earnest, I could cry, but I'm not going to do that. But it's... No. You have no idea. When I stop and think about it, like, I have the most incredible ability to make myself miserable no matter what the situation is. I will take any, you paint me the most beautiful picture of a life, like an extraordinary life, and I will tell you 15 things wrong with it.

I've seen her do it. Yeah. I've seen her do it. Yeah. I've seen her do it for years. But when I, like, started, like, this tour especially has, like, oh, my God. I just feel so, so lucky and so grateful that, like, everybody, you all are, like, wonderful people. And we do not have shitty fans. And I just feel so grateful. I'm just so happy. Thank you guys for being so great. Like, it's feel so grateful. I'm just so happy. Thank you guys for being so great. It's just so delightful.

Yeah, and this is the bald and the beautiful, but it seems everything we do, you guys always travel with us and everybody. It's like cumulative knowledge, too. People remember jokes from seven years ago and they get them tattooed on their face. Yeah. It's just really, really wonderful.

Tell them about the butt tattoo from the other day. Oh, my God. So... We see a lot of tattoos. I would say we see a few tattoos a day on tour. Yeah, we see at the meeting. Great people. Huge panels.

This incredible woman came to the show, I think it was yesterday. Anybody got them here? Huge tattoos on the thighs. No one. Great. Not real fans. Matching tattoos. Fake fans. Fake fans. And then this boy

could not... I checked his age. He was 22 or 21. And he pulled down his pants and showed me his bare ass. And I'm telling you, it was the size of a grapefruit or larger. It said, fuck my pussy with a rake mom

and I got I was like what do I think of this I feel like a pedophile for looking at it and I was like and then I got all wrapped up in like oh my god people are fucking him and then they're looking at that what are they thinking?

Is it a boner killer? Is it a boner enhancer? So that's weird. There's a lot of things going on there. Yes, I would have fucked him, but he didn't ask, and it's okay. But it's crazy. I used to think it was like,

I would never want to fuck somebody who watches our show. But then the more people watched it, the number of people who haven't seen our show dwindled, and now it is what it is. In fact, if they've seen me on the green screen in a wig talking about my asshole and they still want to fuck me

it's love. That's love. That's true love. Celine Dion sings about that. Let's do maybe one more question if you don't mind. I'll let you pick it. You're so clairvoyant. Yeah. Let's do maybe one more question if you don't mind. Yeah, what about that? I'll let you pick it. You're so clairvoyant. Yeah, uh-huh.

I got it like two weeks before this. Oh, man. Oh, but see, that's so cool. And that's cool regardless of us. Like if it turns out in the papers that we're both, you know, pedophiles, it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter. You wouldn't have to get it removed right away. It's different than when someone has, I love your axe wound, you fucking whore, with like my face

on it. You'll get that one next. I'm going to get you. My dream is for someone to come up with a tattoo of us and for me to go, that's so funny. I got you right here. And maybe it's a fake tattoo and they just faint. What's your question?

Road stories. We were just in a venue the other day and I said, I think this is that venue where I saw you sucking that guy's cock. Yeah. And it was. It was. It was. We were in this dressing room and I was like, something

about this dressing room seems a little familiar. And I was like, oh yeah. I was giving a blowjob to In Drag, in which I miss that so much. And the thing about it is, I just can't do it anymore because they can't afford me now. I know.

And I mean, you know, as much as I like, you know, give lip service to all this socialist bullshit, I am still in my heart kind of a capitalist. Because, you know, I just won't, you know. Anyways, so I was like, I get really, you know, I get... You mourn the past. I mourn the past.

Simpler times. I'm telling you, you have no idea what's... This is like the curse of being kind of like middle of the road. I mean, if you're real ugly, I feel like you make peace with that. But like, if you're, yes, you know what I mean? If you're real, if you are quasi

fucker, you know. If you're a turtle, if you're a fucking turtle, you are a turtle and you love it. You know it. You make it work. You don't pine for what could be because girl, that's in another lifetime. You know a turtle and you love it. You know it. You make it work. You don't pine for what could be because, girl, that's in another lifetime, you know? But when you're in the middle of the road, you're always kind of like,

oh, maybe, like some semblance of beauty is kind of, oh, in my reach. And then you, oh, you know, before you know it, you're just flat on the floor. But when you're handed this particularly strange opportunity, that being being able to look like this, and then gentlemen come out of the woodwork, and I'm not talking about, I'm talking about Tom

Hardy and Brad Pitt. I'm literally, literally, in Boston, I'm not, I'm not, just factual information. I have, Mary, I have fucked the creme de la creme of townies

and not even, you know, and some even paid for it. Did you say carnies? Townies. Carnies. Carnies. Carnival.

Carny Wilson. Yeah, I fucked Carny Wilson. But it's so, I don't know what the point of this story is. I don't even know why I started talking.

No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. We're not disgusting, right? But we're not hot. We masquerade as hot people for a living. So you get to feel hot person privilege. You get to get close to the sun like Icarus.

And then melt away. And then when you do, when it's time to melt it all off, you're like, in the mirror. And it doesn't matter what. You could be in the best shape of your life. Tan, gorgeous, lovely veneers, everything. You take off the mary it is ghouls and goblins there is nothing dungeons and dragons there's so many times where you were like so i will like you know be tipping tipping tipping after the gig and i'll meet a guy who's like hey i actually love you

i'd attract you i'm like cha-ching and then i go back to the hotel. I take it off and I'm like, no one would fuck this. No one would. No matter what it is, it's the sheen, the after. It's not the after glow. It's like an after sludge of drag. It's bad. It's just so bad. You got half an eyebrow. You look, you have raccoon eyes. You look like a strung out twig. It's just a lot.

It's not good. It's not good. How do you think I feel? Anyways. Hey. Hey, keeping it positive is important to love yourselves. You know what else I like? We talk about how much we dislike ourselves sometimes. And then people will come up to us and be like, thank you for being open about how much you hate yourself. And I'll be like, you know what?

How much do I project that? But also, somebody was talking about this on, one of my friends was talking about this recently. It was like, body neutrality. Body neutrality. You don't have to fuck you. You do not have to. You don't have to fuck you.

You do not have to love your body. Mama, you don't have to hate it. But bitch, I don't want to feel, I mean. I don't want to love my, I mean. In the right lighting, in the right scenario, if you've been drinking and I'm surrounded by horribly ugly people, I'm gorgeous.

And there's one candle at the other end of the room that's been burning for three days. Three days and three nights. If it's the first day of Hanukkah and that fucking thing is across the room. And the fog from San Francisco in the Bay Area

is rolling through the windows. Six foot high. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So anyways, you know, we started this podcast, I think, as we're trying to talk about beauty. We were trying to talk about, has anybody been listening from the beginning?

Okay. You remember we tried to talk about beauty, but then we kept having ugly people. And then, I don't know, it just all fell apart. But, you know, we've had some, there was some really, I miss having guests, but then... I don't. I don't. I don't like having to do research.

I just like talking with the gals. One of my favorite moments of the pod was when we had Violet, and we asked her why she started doing drag, and she said, well, I went to the gay bars in Atlanta, and I felt like no one was giving, but they needed to be giving, so I had to go give it.

That's psychotic. But you know, I mean, she does give it and it's really great. She's very inspiring to me. I would never expend the amount of energy she does in any given arena in my life, but it's very nice to see someone doing it.

Speaking of, I know we have to wrap up, but they announced the all-winners season today. Can you believe it? And I, you know, for the first time in quite some years, I was very, very interested, and I learned some very sickening tea. Of course, I'm not going to share it right now, but I just wanted to say that because that's so frustrating to hear.

It's going to be good. It's hear. It's going to be good. It's crazy. It's going to be good. It's going to be good. But wait, there was one, Eden showed me this funny, funny tweet. So Bianca Del Rio tweeted, I was busy with the nail paint emoji.

And Shea Cooley was like, no, you weren't. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! I fucking love that. It's one thing to not compete. It's another thing to insinuate that you're not competing because everyone else needs the gig and you don't. Yeah, you're too good.

Mary, you were fucking making a turban in Palm Springs. Shut the fuck up. A beautiful turban. A beautiful, gorgeous turban. Flawlessly constructed turban. A beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, flawlessly constructed turban, darling. Oh, well. Anyways. It looks like we're about to close up the evening, you guys.

I know. I know. They told us we only have an hour, and then they said we have to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I don't make the rules. But, so, anyways, just going back to the beginning, because, you know, every good story starts at the end and finishes at the beginning um i mean i'll keep the wig on you look like one of those bodies they prop up at a wake. Do you know like when a rapper dies and they put sunglasses on them and they're just like...

Also, yeah, we've given you a lot of different ways to support us over the years, and you have always made the choice to do so. Let me support you. We're going to give everyone in the audience tonight some of Katya's money. And I'm so excited about it. If you line up, I'll give everybody $8. I'm willing, you know, talk,

talk, talk, but the proof is in the pudding. If you would like to see in real life just how sweaty I can get, you know, I'm staying at the Comfort Inn and Suites. That's not the hotel. That's not the hotel. Don't go terrorize people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What about the other night when somebody jumped a fence and tried to get on the tour bus? A fan, do you not know about this? You're not supposed to talk about this. Earplugs over there produces earplugs.

Somebody jumped a fence and walked up to your tour bus and tried to just get on it. Well. And it wasn't Tom Hardy, bitch. I don't see the problem with that. That shows initiative. And then I asked some of the other fans, I said, did somebody really try to jump on the bus?

And they said, yeah, they took off running. So don't jump on our bus. Please. It's our home. It's a trailer. Let us live. Think of us as your grandparents in Boca Raton, you know? Riddle bones dead at any moment.

But thank you guys so much for listening. And thank you for listening to the pod and everything. And you're just really wonderful. We love you so much. Yeah, we love you all. That's it. Thank you guys so much for coming. Please fuck me.