The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Live in Chicago from the Historic Auditorium Theatre with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

From the windy city famous for its decadent Deep-Dish Pizza, dill pickle-laden Chicago Dogs, and the local spirit Malort (which can best be described as "What would happen if a pungent overripe fruit had a drunken threesome with a can of gasoline and a pile of herbs,") comes over eighty minutes of auricular ecstasy sure to satisfy even your biggest hunger pangs for both Chicago and the two fabulous drag divas who bravely and boldly sat in comfy chairs and spoke into microphones for a bit over an hour. Enjoy! Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Start your credit journey with Chime! Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score. Get started at Chime.com/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! New to Etsy? Use the code NEW for 10% off your first purchase. That’s code NEW at https://www.Etsy.com Maximum discount value of $50.00. Offer ends June 30th, 2023. See terms at https://www.Etsy.com/Terms Collaborate with Canva for Teams! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to https://Canva.ME/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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nevertheless, to make it a very long and gratuitous one. Tonight, we celebrate the full depth and breadth of these enigmatic enchantresses, wrapped in enigmas and unceremoniously shoved into only the most de rigueur haute couture, floating nightly from the back alleys of Paris, Texas. The New York Times has described these two bald gay f**ks as, and I quote, a foreboding portent that the apocalypse is not only near, but already upon us. In this gorgeous stately, insert theater name here, in the picturesque city of, insert city name here, we present to you a veritable feast of audiovisual delights that is sure to transform even the most aggressively hair-suited, unapologetically homely of you into utterly bald and totally beautiful.

We implore you to maintain the utmost respect for your fellow audience members, so please kindly refrain from feeling up on each other's legs. And now, the dementia-ridden story retellers, the faux perimenopausal HVAC connoisseurs, the original skinny legend and Slavic siren, ladies and gentle-thems, please welcome to the stage the bald and the beautiful live with Trixie Mattel and Captain Zavala Chukobo! The turnout tonight to watch us sit and talk is actually shocking. And I am, and it's exciting because you came here, which means a lot,

but because there's so many of you I know, you don't get out much. No. And you thought coming to see us was worth it, and I bless you for that. Thank you so much. Yeah. I have to say, though, I am very nervous, and my legs are so itchy tonight. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Ow. Ooh, I'm so nervous. Oh, my God. Oh, my dress is so short short and my legs are so itchy. I'm actually scared of my, I'm scared of my weasel coming out here. Well, thank you all so very much for attending

another lovely live recording of The Bald and the Beautiful. Thank you so much. My God, I'm so nervous I forgot about my gum because my breath was kicking hammer time backstage, honey. It was hammer time in the breath. It was buzzered off a shit wagon type of breath, bitch. It was having brushed in three weeks, honey. It was giving plaque.

It was giving drugs. It was giving wow. It was giving yikes. It was giving breaths. I do think on tour that you're on tour I will say for

for oral hygiene a tour bus is the beach from old it's yes thank you because thank you

if I'm in the back if I'm in my little bus my little bed and I'm like oh I gotta get up and go floss in a bathroom this big and the mouth

I always hit my head on the thing so like if you've ever has anybody ever gone to the bathroom on a moving vehicle in a moving vehicle no seriously every single person thank you thank you see a lot of homeless up front okay yes and uh it is challenging but when you add a water pick to the scenario and then a fucking dental scraper, which I own. Thank you. Thank you.

Have a retainer. You're welcome. Yeah. You can imagine the kind of hilarity that ensues on a moving vehicle late at night. I know. You have like a cobbler's bench of tools.

You know what, though? It's a lot of work, but look at those teeth, folks. It's worth it. Okay, you put the time in. You push, you floss, you hit the crack pipe for 12 years. Thank you. Thank you.

I got to tell you, last night we were in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Sloshkosh. Yes. Sloshkosh. Our merch folks said that it was the drunkest people they've ever seen. They've gone on tour with Lady Gargar. Yeah. Yeah.

We've gone to Europe. Yeah. The UK. If you drink more than people in the UK. The UK. You're shutting it down. You know what I mean? Yeah, Sloshkosh.

And I love Wisconsin. I was watching those people stumble in at 7 p.m. I couldn't help but feel proud. You know what? If I'm going to own a bar, let it be in this state, bitch, because these people, it's like oxygen. They're like... I know.

It's pretty. And also, it makes your current journey, I don't mean to gas you up or whatever, but all the more impressive that Miss hasn't had a drink since, what, 35 days or something? Oh, my God. I know. She's not collecting chips

down at the local rec center, if you know what I mean, but she is doing it for her health reasons and I think she, her skin has never looked more glowing. Am I right?

Look at that. I mean, come on. She doesn't have a problem. She doesn't have a problem. She can start again if she wants to, of course. Yes. Yes.

Don't worry. I don't have a suntan. I just bought the wrong color tights. And then I had to paint my upper body a whole new color to match. But what do you call that? Grape or aubergine? It's sort of a it's a deck chair. It's a lovely deck chair. Sherwin-Williams interior semi-gloss.

Yes. Well, I am in my tanning phase and it's interesting because I couldn't help but wonder. I'm in my tanning phase at the same age that you were at when you were in your tanning phase. Yeah. So maybe at 33, 34, you look in the mirror and you go, well, I guess rolling myself in peanut butter is better. Yeah. Well, as someone at the meet and greet said, from Capricorn to Virgo. They said that somebody at the meet and greet went, I got to tell you, from Capricorn to Virgo. And I said, all right, here we go.

Nothing nice starts that way. Nothing good. Nothing good comes from that premise, honey. Also received a cat abortion in a bottle. Yeah. It's true. Somebody came up. It's true.

You don't have to identify yourselves, but somebody came up and they gave her a cat abortion. A cat fetus in a bottle. Yep. And her $65 in cash. And I got $65 in cash. Yeah.

I felt like I was on Pawn Stars or something. Like, how much would you pay for the cat baby? I'm like, I'll take the cash or mine. I'm going to go. Love wins. So we're in Oshkosh last night. We had to miss our show in Minneapolis because of the snow. Yeah.

I know. It was horrible. And they say cancel culture is not real. They say cancel culture is not real. Yeah. Canceling shows. How about that? How about that?

Snow is the original cancel culture. Thank you. Take that Lydia Tarr. Yeah. So we're in Oshkosh, and it's a basketball room. What is it called? An arena. Yeah, it's a basketball arena.

It's a basketball room. A basketball room. It's a basketball room. A basketball room. It's a basketball room. Yeah. The hoops. Hoops.

I've seen High School Musical. We get it. Okay. And we're there, and my friends from college come, and they're backstage, and they go, show, okay, what do you do tomorrow? I said, we're going to Chicago to do The Bald and the Beautiful live.

And she goes, oh, is that like a whole other show with other skits? And I said, no. There's not like a plot or like dancers or videos or really anything like that. There's not a light package. She goes, so people just watch you sit and talk. And I said, yeah. She goes, that's a rub.

A rub! She goes, that's a rub. She goes, you are taking them for a ride. Love wins. Love wins. You know, we've been talking about all this woke. I'm sorry. Yeah.

All this drag banning. You guys. Do you know about all this? We have to talk about it. Mama, we have to. The authorities could walk up in here and come up on this stage and untuck my penis. I mean, it'll take a little longer than that. They have to get out the tweezers.

Yeah, the tweezers, the microscope. You know, they're going to set up a whole lab up here. The electron telescope. Oh my God. Give me a little Twilight anesthesia. I know. A little Twilight anesthesia. Yeah.

But it's, how do you criminalize drag? But especially if you're born naked and the rest is drag. Thank you. How do you criminalize it? That's right. Thank you. All this woke. The second you put that diaper in a baby,

the second you put that baby in a diaper, the second you put that baby in a diaper, The second you put that baby in a diaper... The second you put that baby in a diaper, it is a drag queen. Thank you. Yes. Yes. Yeah. You know, the older I get,

when RuPaul used to say that, when I first, like, you know, was exposed to that at, what, 20? Groomed. Let's say groomed. I was groomed. Yeah. You're groomed.

Listen, at that stage of my drag career, I could use some grooming. You know what I mean? I could use a scrub, perhaps a shave of the back. How are you going to accuse these bow-legged freaks as groomers when they can't even grow their own hair? That is the gag.

I've worked with drag queens for 15 years, so I can tell you, these whores, these uneducated whores, they can't even put their music on a flash drive. Yeah. They can't glue a wig on.

They're not playing the long game. No, no, no, no, no. Drag queens aren't meeting up after the show and sitting around like a Dungeons and Dragons table of the U.S. Like risk. Yeah. They're not like, so I say we take Tennessee and move up for it. Like that's not happening. It's not.

The fact that conservatives give us that much credit. I'm like, okay, so you really don't know about drag Queens because we are self-centered assholes. We don't even have enough time for our own mental health. Nevermind that of a child girl. I'm going to tell you how a drag queen to really react.

I want you to pitch me the idea of, of, of grooming, grooming the youth of America. Okay, yeah. So, hi, my name is Marjorie Taylor Greene. And I am appearing on the Senate floor or the Congress or whatever the hell you call it to propose that we make drag queens illegal because they are marching into libraries and grooming our children and turning them into

cross-dressing, satanic, worshiping pedophiles. And then they call a drag queen and they go, is this true? And the drag queen goes, uh, no, that sounds hard. That sounds time-consuming and difficult and kind of expensive. Can I burn that on a CD? No kidding.

It's crazy to me that they're like, we know what you're up to. And I'm like, up to what? what up to what up to i'm in the back of the bus deciding whether or not i'm gonna floss tonight hello i've got a water pick squirting straight up my nose it's three in the morning and i don't know what my name is anymore yeah it's crazy it's so wild i mean i always thought the longer we did drag the more it would be like, I thought we were on the road to Corny Collins. I thought we were on the road to like, oh, you like drag? Oh, cool.

So does everyone. You know what I mean? Like, so many people like it now. So for it to be, for our, if we do this show in Tennessee next year, we might get in trouble, which is fucking crazy. I know, but it's kind of cool. You know what? It is.

It's kind of cool. It's going full circle. A hundred percent. At the beginning, we were totally unfuckable monsters, and mama, we're coming right back around the bend.

And you know what it is, too? It's fierce because if drag really didn't heal the world at all, the conservatives wouldn't care. But because it's working, we need to put a stop to this. But you know what though? If you take the strippers out of the strip club, your son's still going to be jerking off to videos of strippers.

Like I'm still on the internet. That's true. How are you going to take drag off the internet? All of you are here because you watch us on the internet. That's true. How are you going to take drag off the internet? All of you are here because you watch us on the internet. That's true. That's true. You got one tab of sniffies, one tab of Pornhub, and then it's us. Yep.

It's us. Yep. Then you're marching into Groomingdale's and you're going to the discount section. Groomingdale's. Grooming. Grooming. Where does that come from? Where did that word come from

it comes from so if anybody knows a youth pastor youth pastors are really famous they actually

it's really they kind of were born in the game in this one they they pastor the youth and then they

groom them and as soon as they're like of legal age they marry them like the 18 year old brides as they're like of legal age, they marry them. Oh, like the 18-year-old brides where they're like,

I was her pastor since she was, yeah. That's grooming. Yeah. That's grooming. So, anyways. Let's talk about Madonna for a second.

I just have to say, I'm 40 years old. I'm 40 years old and I just need, thank you. I gotta need, thank you. I gotta say, for all you Generation Z's out there, Madonna

You think she's here? Okay. Madonna. Madge is here. Yep. Hello. She's like, hello. Hello. Madonna has had half of her life at least easily been the most famous woman in the world. Okay, Madonna. Right.

Madonna. We know who Madonna is. Right. Yeah. Celine? I don't know her. Who's that? Yeah, it's about Madonna.

Who? So, at least half of her life, probably more, she's been the most famous woman in the world. she's been the most famous woman in the world. To expect that this woman would age in a way that is in any way normal is the most laughable projection you could ever propose to someone. I don't care if she's shoving fix-a-flat in her cheeks or squirting baby's blood in her eyeballs.

We're going to shut the fuck up about Madonna and her crazy face. Yes, let her live let her live musical choices aside stealing from black people aside we're not talking about that we're talking about her fucking crazy face

she's a woman on the verge of something special you know what though girl you know what though her tether facial pump wise her tether is like 21-year-old Hollywood. Because now these younger people are so pumped in ways that we've not seen that level of pump that young age. Mama.

Mary, when these people's cheekbones hit the floor, that's the big one we've been waiting for. Yeah. Mama, Dr. Buckle Fat is out there. But girl, his... You know what? I want to get my buckle fat removed, and then I want to walk in,

like, when Oprah had that bag of... When she showed how much weight she lost. With the wheelbarrow of fat. I want to have my buccal fat in, like, a wicker basket, like... Woo! And I want to drop it, like... Yeah.

And just shit flies up everywhere. You know, here's a fun hack for all those people concerned about their buckle hat. Just twirl the pookie for three weeks and you'll get that lovely snatched look. Thank you. Or, you know, pull back on the drink. Listen, if you want to lose weight quickly, just stop having wine every night.

It's incredible. It's incredible what the human body responds to. Now, in addition to being world-class entertainers, excellent groomers, we're also health and wellness experts. Absolutely. And even though I have taken a break from drinking for completely vanity,

I would like you to treat me like a hardcore addict who's somehow making it happen. I want that level of praise. So thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Thank you. Oh, my God. of praise. So thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you.

Oh my God. It's so brave. You wouldn't understand what I've been through. No, I couldn't possibly. It's so brave. Thank you. But I love drinking. I love it. It's a new day.

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There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. This will be the day. What do you miss about drinking the most? The fun. What? This will be the day. Well, I wish they would make more songs about it, you know, like I feel like I feel like there's like a like a really large sort of dearth of um in the music, you know the grand music catalog about going to the club and you know, here's your favorite song and um you know like when you hear that song and you ask the DJ to turn it up real loud and you're Like you're out with your friends and you're having a few drinks. You're getting wild. I wish they would make a song about that, you know You're out with your friends, and you're having a few drinks,

and you're getting wild. I wish they would make a song about that. You know... There's a lot of songs about that. That's where that joke was going. No, I understand. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm very aware of that, because when I started DJing, I went, wow, this encourages people

to walk up and ask what music should be played. Oh, Lord. Which I wouldn't recommend. Because it leads you down a dark, long road of waiting for your song to play. Mary, that song's not coming. No. That DJ said yes, so you will go away. That song's not coming.

He's like, next song. Three hours later. Girl, I got you next. Yeah, yeah. Now, as a DJ, let's say an entrepreneur, businesswoman, and now DJ. Oh, yeah, come see me tonight at Beauty Bar I'm playing Beauty Bar

tonight Disco Night Disco Night now I personally would never ever deign to dare to ask the DJ

or to even approach the DJ with a song request because it's probably going to be from Ukraine in 2010 and it's going to be unknown

and it's probably going to clear the dance floor. But how do you feel that, like, I mean, I can only imagine the throngs of impassioned teenagers forcing their way to the DJ booth with their phones up, you know, playing, please play Miley,

Mr. DJ, or whatever. I do this thing where I think this is a really good way of, like, mediating that. I look at what they said they wanted to play. I take a beat and I go, no. I would, but I won't. That's what's standing between me and doing it is that I'm not going to do it. You don't walk into Julia Child's kitchen and then just plop a chicken head on the counter.

Totally. You know what I mean? She knows what she's doing. She's so tall. Thank you. And you have completely. So tall. Completely Totally. You know what I mean? She knows what she's doing. And she's so tall. Thank you. And you have, completely. So tall.

Completely. And you know what? You have earbuds. Normalize putting in your earbuds at the club and having your own music. Mama. Talk about it. Silent witness.

I have done that at bars where I don't like the music and I just put in headphones. I know that's insane, but. That is insane. But I'm there for the drinking. Okay? I'm not there for the music.

Yeah. Now how many drinks is too many drinks? I know it depends on BMI and if you have glasses or not, but, like, how many drinks for you is too drink? How many drinks for you is too many drinks? The limit does not exist, baby. No, I mean, I don't drive, so, like, what's going to happen to me? Do you know what I mean?

I don't know. But, no, you cut yourself off because you're like oh i have to work early or i have like that's i drink around life i don't let my drinking be my life okay okay that's the difference between like you're grabbing two glasses of wine because i have to be in a wig at netflix at nine in the morning you know like we temper it. You're really doing responsibility. Yeah. That's wild. I know. That's wild. See, my cycles sync up like by chance only. You know what I mean?

Oh, and then you're like, I'm like, God, you're here early. And you're like, I thought the start time was two hours ago. Yeah, yeah. I've been here for three weeks. I just stayed. I never went home. I just stayed. Yeah, I just stayed. I didn't know what to do. I never went home. Oh, stayed. Yeah, I just stayed. I didn't know what to do.

I never went home. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Okay. Segway. No segway. But I have to say, so,

if you are an introvert, okay, I have been an introvert probably my whole life before Drag Race. Somebody wooed. If you were an introvert, you would not have spoken up.

You would not have spoken up. You would not have said nothing. That was a fake woo. That was a fake woo. That was a fake woo. A lot of fake bitches in here tonight. If you have introverted tendencies, you might be familiar with this concept

of an inner voice, or you talk to each other. You talk to yourself. Okay, I have talked to myself for many, many, many, many years. Y'all need to buckle up. Something happened. Something happened the other night that was truly chilling. Before this story starts, I want you to know that I go on stage every night and trust this person with my life. And this is what this person does. All right. We were in San Antonio, Texas, and

I was enjoying a shower and now they had one of those hoses. What do you call that? You know you have the thing that comes from the sky? The shower wand. The shower wand. And they had several different mechanisms. One from the sky, and then they have the wand. At home, I have three that come out of the wall.

It's wild. Well, it's not the sky. It's the ceiling. It's not God throwing down the garden hose, Mary. It's wild. Well, it's not the sky. It's the ceiling. It's not God throwing down the garden hose, Mary. God? God. So, you can do, I didn't know, sometimes you can do both at the same time.

You can do both of them. And so I had the wand in my right hand. I had a slippery left hand of soapy gel. You know what I mean? And I was soaping. And I hit the vape a little bit ago. You know what I mean? And I was soaping. And I hit the vape a little bit ago. You know what I mean?

I hit the vape. I hit the vape pen a little bit. Nothing too crazy. And I got the fucking, I got the fucking wand underneath my cojones, my balls. Yeah. And if you've ever looked at, if you've ever looked at... You're just squirting them. If you've ever looked up at the shower,

it's like looking up at the rain, except reversed. The rain is coming from underneath, and it stops like six inches from your eyes, and I start to get huge boner, and I was like... Well, huge for her. Yeah. Huge yeah huge for four to five inches max and then and i had this genuine sincere moment of awe and wonder and i said oh wow but then as clear as day, and in the most shrill, uncomfortable voice,

I hear her say, this is like the part in the movie when the grandpa dies. You know what, though? You know what, though? You interrupted an inner moment of, like, true... You guys know that I'm going through my psychic phase. Yeah.

You know, I was in the shower different time thinking about this person. And so I think I made that happen. And then on top of that, yesterday we had a long discussion about the age and lifespan of Sherry Vine. Do you guys know who Sherry Vine is? Sherry Vine. Yeah. She wasn't Sherry Vine is? Sherry Vine. Yeah. She wasn't on Drag Race. You guys wouldn't know.

She could never. No, she is, I don't want to say, but she's a woman of a certain age. She's like with Madonna, let's say. Yes. And we talked about it all yesterday about her age. Guess whose fucking birthday it was today? Sherry fucking Vine.

Now I ask you again, is it psychic or do I have memory? But if you listen to this podcast, you know that we don't have memory. We don't have any memory. I was truly taken aback and I almost like, I think it's like, you know,

it's like goldfish brain or something. It's like, um, you forget in order that you can remember. Or no. No, that doesn't make any sense. But I think that sometimes with trauma. Trauma. I think sometimes, you know, when a squid is threatened, they squirt out the ink, a cloud that just occludes. And I think with trauma, your brain can just occlude.

Wipes the slate clean. 100%. And so I think we're always... In a way, it's a gift. Yeah. It's actually... I was... The last episode, I was like,

it's fun and games when we repeat ourselves, but it does need to stop. It does. Because we have led, some of us, long lives. We gotta have more in us than the time we got movers you know i know i know

because there's gotta be something i have fucked my way across this country 50 times can we not talk about something i know and it was like i i really i i sincerely dread this this um uh this thing that happens with people who are like celebs, like when writers who only publish stories about their life, then start living for the writing. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like when you can tell when a writer is like, they're doing research

for a book of essays and it's like, ooh, I don't like that. How to lose a guy in 10 days. She's like, I'm going to fuck up this guy's life and write about it. That's like what that movie is. Oh, I hate that. Fuck Kate Hudson. Yeah, fuck her. Fuck that movie is. Oh, I hate that. Yeah. Fuck Kate Hudson. Yeah, fuck her. Fuck that bitch.

No, but I hate that. So I was like, oh shit, I really need new stories to tell, but I don't want to live my life to tell a story. Do you know what I mean? I think that's really phony and rotten. Well, and now it's like, also, we used to be able to get away with talking explicitly about celebrities. And now, you little fags, when we talk about someone, you'll be like, at Noah Cyrus, step up to the mic. I'm like, let us talk shit about people on our own.

I know. We're gay. We talk about people behind their backs. We don't need them involved. I know. And you know what? Someone's like, fuck Trixie. And then somebody will be like, at Trixie. I'm like, why are we letting me in? I don't need to know this I know. And you know what? It's like when someone's like, fuck Trixie. And then somebody will be like, at Trixie.

I'm like, why are we letting me in? I don't need to know this. Yeah. I've had people on Grindr be like, what do you do for a living? And then I see them at the meet and greet. I'm like, so what is the truth, Ellen? What is the truth? Like, what is this game now?

Yeah. Dungeons and Dragons, bitch. You know what my favorite is? Dungeons and Dragons. It all comes back to Grindr. My favorite thing is, what are you looking for? My car keys, bitch. What do you think? Like, what are, what, S-E thing is, what are you looking for? My car keys, bitch. What do you think?

Like, what are, what, S-E-X. What are you looking for? Meaning. Like, what are you talking about? Sucking dick and cock. That's what we're looking for. A new story to tell on the pod. That's what I'm looking for.

What are you looking for? Gay sex on the internet. Next. Like, what else? I have a question for the culture. Like, when Adal Ray had it a little while ago. Is it okay? Is it something that happens?

Is it a thing that exists when you are on Grindr or any similar sexual hookup app to look only for cuddling? Is that a thing? Or does it mean that I'm lonely? There are people here who do that who are like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's weird.

Oh God, that's so pathetic. No, seriously. Their arm around them. Don't touch me. Well, no, because I mean, I have to like constantly reality check myself because the circle that I find myself in back home is a strange one I would say um but

of your own making um like double fisting a lot of prolapse a lot of like um heavy hard xxx and available online extreme sexual people right and I'm just at brunch with them like you know we're just the girls at brunch so I forget it's It's a table of all Samanthas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Samantha on steroids. Literally on steroids. Everybody's on steroids. Everybody's on a cycle.

Everybody's doing fisting porn. Everybody's crazy. And so I'm like, am I nuts? If I just want to kiss, if I'm just Amanda kiss and hug? If I'm just Amanda kiss and hug, If I'm just Amanda kiss and hug? Is that crazy? Is it horrible? I just want Amanda kiss and hug.

My legs are so itchy. I wonder. I just want Amanda kiss and hug. My favorite is, well, do you just want to hang out? I said. Mary, Mary, Mary. Do I just want to hang out? Yeah.

Are we going to go to the museum? What are we doing? And meet cute? Yeah, Mary. Do I just want to hang out? Are we going to go to the museum? What are we doing? A meet cute? Yeah, no, mama. No, I don't want to hang out. I don't want to hang out with my friends. Thank you. I was actually rebuffed in an unforgettable way

by a person when I tried to friend zone them. And they said, honey, my life is a perfectly cast musical. The chorus is cast. Where's the leading man? And I was like... Wait, you said that? No, he said that.

I was like, do you want to just be friends or whatever? He was like, nope. And I was like, now though, I appreciate that sort of directness, but that was very faggy to say like that. My life is a musical.

The chorus is cast. Where's the leading man? Well, there's a lot of problems there. Number one, your life is actually not a musical. So stop singing, bitch. And based on that... And based on that first statement, I don't think that cast is

as rock solid as you think. They're not union. Mama, they're not union. Mama, they're not union. That's children's theater. They're in other auditions. You know what I mean? It's like our tour our dance you guys have seen our tour anybody

our tour we have six more shows our dancers are gorgeous you better believe they're gonna walk out of this tour flawless because they will

go back to auditions and stuff so it's like and they will be white outing this from their resume oh 100% they're gonna say

it was I don't know five to nine the musical I don't know, five to nine, the musical. I don't know. Anything. Anything. Phantom of the Opera.

Connie and Carla Live. The Phantoms of the Opera. The Phantoms of the Hip Hopera. They're going to be like, yeah, for a few years I toured with a bunch of carnies who were living off the grid.

All things considered, though, it is a pretty fun gig. Life on the Road, let me tell you, though, not for the faint of heart. Not for the faint of heart. I know we might seem like out of touch boomers,

or at least me, but, baby boomers. Baby filter boomers. But it's hard. And it's not, I mean, champagne wishes

and caviar dreams. You don't want to hear people crow about their rich lives, but it is hard. It's hard. It's a lot of wear and tear on my legs. It's tough. It's a lot of wear and tear on my legs. Tough.

It's a lot. And you know, they only got a few, what, weeks left in them? Well, I had a, I get a giant shot, cortisone shot. Oh my God, Wade Haught, I didn't tell you. New information! New information. New information! I don't even care if it's interesting.

It's just new. Okay. So I go to the orthopedic surgeon and to go get a cortisone... To get my biannual cortisone shot, which is a needle about this big that is a ultrasound-guided injection. So they put the jelly on you, right?

And then they do the ultrasound like I'm Prego. And they tell you if your hip is a boy or a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they guide the fucking needle, and I'm not joking, it's that long, into the ejection site, which is in the hip joint from the front, in between the ball and the socket. It's fucking brutal. So the nurse put me in the room and said, okay, so you're going to take off all your clothes, including your underwear. I'm so ashamed to admit that I immediately got hard. And I had confused doctors

because I thought I was at this other hospital. It was so early in the morning, and I thought there was an ugly doctor, but it turns out it was a really hot doctor. Well, doctor porn is hot. Doctor porn is hot. I know that's horrible. Some of you doctors who are here,

you're probably like, what the fuck? Like, that's not hot. Fucking groomer, pervert. There's delivery driver porn. I was a delivery driver. That's not hot. But you know what? She's a fucking groomer, pervert. There's delivery driver porn. I was a delivery driver. It was never hot. It was never hot.

The one thing about being a delivery driver, though, is when you give them their food, they're happy. Mama. They're not boner happy, but like, they're happy. Well, well, when I ordered noodles and company upon your suggestion. Ah! Ah, we're going to talk about noodles!

Listen, I believe and I subscribe fully to the church of overtipping. I don't care what your tax bracket is. You must! You must overtip or you don't order. You don't order if you can't overtip. That's just my philosophy. However, I have clung to

it forever. When I was a broke-ass bitch, always overtip. Anyways, so the deliveryung to it, like, forever. When I was broke-ass bitch, always over-tipped. Anyways, so the delivery driver comes with the noodles and company. Uh-huh. And on the app, the name was Sarah. Lovely, whatever. But this was not a Sarah. This was somebody else. It was Julio.

It was Julio. Down by the schoolyard. And I would've... Long story short, I would've gobbled up his penis ball and testy. Uh-huh. Well, no, I got to tell you a noodles-related story.

Okay. We were on a call the other day with our agent, Michael Grinspan, who is not here, and I think I'm just going to talk about him.

So he's probably not going to listen to this, and if he does, you know YOLO. Whatever. So we're on this call, and by the way, we're scheduling out

Bald and the Beautifuls for all over the world in the future, right? So we can do live pods in different markets and have fun. But don't worry. We're still going to do ones at home in our quality studio. Oh, yes. Which may or may not have been my old bedroom. So Michael, we're on the call. He goes, yeah, so, you know, when you get to some of these cities, just like a, you're going to want to maybe do like local references,

you know, current events. We're on this call like, local references and current. Does he think we're doing the fucking weather, bitch? Do you think I'm going to get to Branson and turn on the local news so I have something to talk about at the show? No, I'm going to tell my dentist story for the 12th time. Yeah, yeah. St. Louis.

How about that arch? How about that arch? Oh, it goes like that. Local reference. He goes, you might want to. By the way, good advice, but just so crazy and obvious. Like, yeah, Michael, we're going to talk about what happens that day. Probably.

We all get on this call, and Michael goes, so you're in Milwaukee. He doesn't have an accent like that. He doesn't have an accent. I'm just adding color. So he goes, so you're in Milwaukee. You guys have any beer and cheese curds? You know, light conversation. And I go, no, I'm having noodles and company.

It's one of my favorite restaurants. Kati's assistant Eden goes, oh, noodles is fierce. It's so good. And I'm like, yeah, I love it. He goes, what do you get there? I said, well, normally I get the penne rosa, but recently they have linguine, which is less carbohydrates. And I got a salad.

They have a fake chicken to eat. And he goes, oh my God, you can eat your way around the world. And Michael goes, I like to get, this person cuts in and goes, can we stop talking about noodles and talk about what we're supposed to talk about on this call?

It was absolute. It came down like a machete. And we all recoiled. And Michael was like, all right, so the deal I have for you guys is I was in the gym with my forehead veins bulging, my teeny little shorts, my giant headphones, and I was like, all right, enough noodles. Let's talk business, bitch.

I was like, where was this talking about noodles? But then, of course, I apologized later because that was extremely rude of me. I love noodles and company. Well, and then, bitch. I was like, what was this talking about noodles? But then I, of course I apologized later because that was extremely rude of me. I love noodles and company. Well, and then, yeah. Then cut to about not even 24 hours later

when I went on the app and ordered noodles and company and it was one of the best meals I've ever had in my life. It's amazing. My dream would be to be in one of those commercials where I go to a fake restaurant

and I go, so what do you think of this fancy Italian food? And they go, oh, we like it, whatever. And then I go, well, it's actually from Noodles & Company. Like, that would be... Oh, and then they're shocked and they're like, I love it. And I'm like, I know, right?

And then that's the commercial. So thank you. I work in TV, so I have a lot of ideas. I'm in the doctor's office and So the nurse tells me to take off all of see I'm coming back. I'm coming back coming back I'm coming back the new information coming back. I'm coming back and He tells me to take up, you know, and I will I was always been confused about like what do you do? Like what do you do with the doctors?

Like, you go for physical, do you get totally nude? Anybody here a doctor? Yes! I know there's a doctor, an endocrinologist, in fact, here, but he probably can't answer this question. Is it appropriate to just get nude immediately? Well, everyone around the doctor yelled, yeah, this isn't you.

This is the doctor's moment. So, the point is, there was a long 20-year gap where I didn't go to the doctor. Okay? Where I didn't go to the doctor at all. Probably from my pediatrician up until about 27. Or from 7 to 27. Last time you saw a doctor was the day you were born, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I slapped you in the ass and you never saw one again. But so I was like, well, if they're going to check out your whole body, you should probably get totally naked, right? And so anyways, I was, I just didn't know. I didn't know, okay? But they gave me this, a johnny, which is a dressing gown. It's called a johnny? I think so.

Were you, What kind of... What kind of... Is that racist? What kind of backwoods doctor get in here and put on the Johnny? A Johnny! A nightie! Whatever. A nightgown. A nightgown? And they give you hot tea?

And then a nightgown like Scrooge? You go to the doctor and they give you a silk brassiere. What do you call that? What do you call the thing that you put over your naked body during a physical? Like a medical... A medical robe? I don't think so. Apron?

Not that. It's a medical gown. A medical gown? Oh, it's a gown. Mama, it's gown. Gorgeous gown. It's gown. It's got pounds.

Whatever. You didn't know what it was because you're not the type of girl to wear a gown. Because you're not that type of girl because I don't know what glamour is. Honey, one time we threw a tarp over you and told you it was a gown. We just want to see you anymore. Wait, wait. So listen. So listen.

So long story short, I take off all, well, so I took off my clothes, including my panties, which for me is very erotic in public. So no shirt on. I don't get, I don't take off. I'm not often found in public without panties. So that to me is an erotic charge. We're trying to tell people that drag queens aren't sex offenders. And you're like, sometimes I'm found. I wasn't grooming.

I was the one being penetrated here. Yeah. But let me finish the story. Sorry, I'm a little hoarse. My singing voice is singing a lot of singing on the road.

And so I had my, he told me to, he told me to, to take off my panties and to put the thing on with the opening in the back and then to lie face up. But I was confused.

So I thought it would be great, because I have a really sweaty ass. So I lied on my side with my butt hanging out. And the dressing gown, or Johnny, cut perfectly symmetrical up the side of my body. So the whole side of my body, so the whole underside of my body was exposed to the cool

medical air. What was the temp in the room? It was brisk. It was brisk. It was like 66. Yeah. But the heart was pumping and I had a little bit of sweat, you know. And the boner. And the boner! And I'm waiting, and I'm waiting, and I had a little bit of sweat, you know. And the boner. And the boner! And I'm waiting and I'm waiting

and I'm trying to adopt like the most casual position because I know that- So what is that? You just do like- Well, I had one arm over here and then another like this, like, and then I felt like, paint me like one of your French girls.

Very much like that. This is your casual. It was very like artist, model, nude, tasteful and I was worried about my sweaty swamp ass making an imprint on the paper on the table because I was in there

for 25 minutes thank you very much with my little teeny boner. Girl. And I honestly forget what the point of that story was but he came in he he was so hot, he was like, wham, bam, the needle went in, went out,

and he was like, good luck on tour, kid. And then it was out the door. And it was just, it was crazy. I mean, there wasn't really a whole lot of point to that story. Well, a lot of people, I think there's like, there's a lot of doctor-y porn. Yeah. And, well, a friend of ours sent me doctor-y porn

and was like, I have a friend where we don't have sex, but we like similar things. He was like, you're going to love this porn. I go, great, thank you so much. me doctorate porn and was like, I have a friend where we don't have sex, but we like similar things. He was like, you're going to love this porn. I go, great, thank you so much. It's like a book club. Yeah. Oprah's book club. But shorter books.

And it's porn. Yeah. So he sent me the clip and it's like doctor stuff. And I'm like, okay, I can get into like doctor stuff. And it's like, does anybody like doctor stuff? Anybody like that? Just the doctors. Okay.

So then I'm watching the porn and I'm like, okay, okay. Oh, oh, now it's like a physical, ooh, they're like checking his areas. Ooh, it's checking the heart.

Ooh. It's like a 40 minute video. It's like, they're doing blood pressure. They're doing urine samples. I get to the end. It was flat out an exam video.

It was no sex. No sex happened. My friend is into the type of doctor porn where there's actually not sex. And I said, well, you could have fucking told me this. I'm here about 35% erect.

Getting really invested in the well-being of this patient. I'm like, I don't know. That heart racing, that's not good. That BMI, that's not good. I know. That BMI is a little concerning. Yeah, when they asked him if he smokes, he said sometime.

I was like, I don't know, you know? And what an expensive kink to have with those HMO fees and everything. No kidding. Blue Cross Blue Shield, that's $700 a month just to go to the doctor. I thought he was going to be like, I thought he was going to be like, I have to put a finger up here.

Oops, if you get a boner, that's normal. And then the guy's like, I can't believe I'm, you know, nothing like that happened. Mary, it was like 40 minutes of sitting alone in the room. It was like, okay. And then the nurse comes in, she's like eating a sandwich, takes her blood pressure, she leaves. Yeah. In like Mickey Mouse,

like Mickey Mouse scrubs, like it's snowing outside. Yeah. It's like, okay. I feel, I feel for the healthcare people in so many ways but I am so happy they get to wear those fucking

comfy little pajamas good for them oh yeah sure we honestly we're not medical professionals as you know but we should get a couple sets of those

for the tour bus oh little scrubs scrubs with the Crocs and then the stethoscope I do I don't want those I do want scrubs.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Oh, yes, please. Like the song. Yes, scrubs. Yes. Yes, scrubs. TLC.

TLC. Now, I've recently learned, speaking of medical things, so you know on the 4th of July when dogs go apeshit because of the fireworks. Yeah. It's a tough thing, especially in LA. A lot of dog owners, they got to put the Valium

in the kibble and then they got to like, because it's a real thing. But luckily in LA, everybody has a press pill. I should give her a press pill. Are you kidding? My Yorkie,

my Corgi, I gave her some Molly. She loves the fireworks. She loves them. But I realized what my 4th of July moment is, and it's a tub draining.

I'm not a bath taker. I'm not a bath taker. I don't have a bath at home. I do showers, like I've said. I don't... On the road, it's the only time I'll take a bath. But the sound of that bathtub draining. You don't of that bathtub draining.

You don't like that? What do you hate about it? What do you hate about it? I recorded it. Well, it's like... We're not just an HVAC podcast. We moved on to plumbing and heating. Plumbing.

It is diabolical. By the way, while you find that, there's somebody here tonight dressed as HVAC. Somebody's an air conditioner. It's fierce. Good for you. But I'm going to tell you, I couldn't... As far as they go, this one was

kind of tame because some of them are really... I'm chasing my tail. I'm running in circles. And they come out of nowhere. Like, you're just like, it's the most, oh, it's the most horrible thing you could ever imagine hearing. And I just want to...

You know, I don't like that either. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like someone's doing brown pee. You know what someone's doing brown pee? It sounds medical. Yeah. It sounds like the sound effect to that fake porn video I watched. Very concerning.

But you know, I have a, we have a friend who had, maybe I talked about this in the pod. We have a friend who was at a doctor and got a handjob from the doctor.

So I think it does happen. Excuse me, what? It does. What are you talking about? Yes, he told me about it. I mean,

they. They, he or she. It wasn't anybody. I won't give any information. Are you fucking kidding me? This individual told me about it. What about his Hippocratic Oath?

I don't know. Oh, my God. It's Hippocritical Oath. Oh, thank you. But you know, though, it's probably in the South. There's probably some repressed doctors. Like, well, you know, it's stressful. That residency is no joke.

I have some notes here. Okay. This is our local references. We have a binder of local references. Oh, wait, wait. I have another fun story. This happened in Oshk here. Okay. This is our local references. We have a binder of local references. Oh, wait, wait. I have another fun story. This happened in Oshkosh. Okay. So I'm outside. I'm feeling very ill, very under the weather. I have a cold. I'm going out to smoke my first cigarette of the day at 6 p.m. That's big news for me. That's front page news. That's front page news for me. Usually I'm on my 20th at that time, okay?

Just because you're so sick? Things are really hard. Yeah. Feels like I'm swallowing nails when I smoke. But I gotta smoke because I'm addicted. So I go outside and there's a snowplow because it's fucking freezing out. It's snowing. There's the guy doing the snowplow

and he looks at me and he's like, hey, is there a fucking drag show here tonight? And I'm like sick and smoking and like in my show costume except with regular shoes on i was like yeah he's like that's fucking funny dude and i was like he's like oh uh wait a minute are you in the show and i was like yeah yeah he's like oh wow how do you identify it is like that's actually I know but funny I know it's like I was like excuse me he's like are you trans and I was like by the way valid question I mean you know it was fierce cuz I was like I was like okay

cute hate crime coming up here we go you know I was like getting ready I was like, okay, cute, hate crime coming up. Here we go. You know? I was like getting ready. I was like, okay. Right before the show is a little intense. But, you know, I've done karate. I can take care of myself. And the way that it pivoted from hate crime to love shack was like, I was like, oh, wait a minute.

Hold on a second. And I'm so stupid. I should have just been like, oh, wait a minute. Hold on a second. And I'm so stupid, I should have just been like, yeah. Instead, I tried to level with him because I'm such a victim. I was like, no, I'm a dude. I'm a dude. Oh, you're trying to be cool. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just like you. I'm a guy. I'm a dude. I'm a guy. Hey. And he was like, do you like guys or girls? And I was like, I like guys. And he was like... Do you think he was putting the feelers out there well hindsight is 50 50 okay I think he you're outside I fucking do bitch he was too

I fucking do because how could you not maybe you can also you see the sweat stain that's on this cushion. Maybe you couldn't, but... And also, I wasn't out there, so you had a really good shot. Oh, thank you. No cock blocking. And like a fucking chump, I was like, yeah, I like guys. And then he was like, that's awesome, dude. So, just so you know...

Give people the green light. Sometimes people are, you know, don't judge a book by its cover, and also, you know... Maybe next time, smoke in your pumps. Smoke in my pumps. Exactly, you know, don't judge a book by its cover and also, you know. Maybe next time smoke in your pumps. Smoke in my pumps. Exactly.

He saw your men's house shoes and he's like, I don't, he was like, how do you identify? He literally said, he's like,

what do you identify as? And I was like, are you trans? He was like, do you live outside? Yeah. I mean, I was just very impressed

that he was doing that job with that accent and had that kind of vocabulary. It was very impressive. Very impressive. The flip side of that coin happened yesterday

which was in Oshkosh stage right somebody was yelling I'm just going to yell away from the microphone because we don't have to yell he's going straight white male

straight white male and Straight white male! And at first, this is horrible, and shootings are not funny. My mind went straight to, oh, he's doing a demonstration. Oh, my God. You're probably going to get, I thought we were going to be attacked.

The whole opening, my mind was going, oh, my God, the one day I don't wear the Kevlar. Like, I was like, no. That energy at a drag show with everything that's been going on, I said, this is probably bad. And then I realized, oh, he's saying, gay people aren't just here to see you.

I'm a straight white man and I support you. And I was like, that's sweet. But at first, I was scared. And a little turned on. A little turned on, honey. More than a little. It was like a Wisco accent. Like, straight white male.

I was like, mm-hmm. You should go to my fucking high school, didn't you? I love also the energy of like, yeah, please express yourself. I know. You know what? We're up here doing scripted things with Kelly Mantle. Who could be dead tomorrow? Like, let's try to enjoy the moment.

But you know what? Why don't you yell the way you identify? Maybe that's how you should have walked outside with that guy you should have been like gay white male and he would have been like okay okay got it got it got it got it he's like we sell the slippers we get it yeah yeah yeah and then i i was trying to keep the show light but um maybe as some of you know i had some difficult things in high school and my guidance counselor was there. Oh, yeah. She was the one who engineered me. She was the perpetrator? Oh, no, no.

No, she was the one who alerted the police and had me taken out of the home and stuff. And I haven't seen her since high school. And she came to the show and I saw her and I was like in drag. Like, woo! She hugs me. Immediately starts sobbing. Sobbing! And I just pinched her on the back. I said, not here.

You know, like, we can't do weakness here. I grabbed the bra strap. I just snapped it. I was like, you need to, like, stop. No, but it was really magical. But she hugged me like, I was like, oh, I forgot about my shitty, shitty, shitty life. Because my life now is so not shitty. And she hugged me and she was like.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, in that case, it was really, really sweet. And then she was with my friend, Carrie,

who's an instructor at my high school now. We went to high school together. Carrie and I sat side by side at a lab table and believe it or not, I had to do the dissecting.

She was like, you need to be strong for me. I can't do this. I remember it was yesterday, eighth grade, and I'm a vegetarian like, oh! Cutting into a frog that's been, I don't know, in a tube for 8 years. It's not like they went out and caught this in the bog and cut it

open. The bog. The bog. And now, that girl, Carrie, is the science instructor at the school in the same room we went to school together in. And I'm like, so you learned to dissect now. Yeah. I'm traumatized, and now you're probably cutting open those fetal pigs.

That is so crazy. Did you guys dissect? It's fucking crazy. Oh, mama. Anatomy, physiology, adult cat. Adult feline dissection for three fucking weeks. The smell of formaldehyde. Never mind the smell.

What it did to our developing young brains. Yeah. Oh, who knows? Yeah. And my budding breasts. Uh-huh. Maybe, you know,

the development might have been stalled by all this. It was horrible. I think there was some development stalled and I don't think it was the breasts. You don't think it was the formaldehyde? I don't think it was the breasts. I think there was some development stalled and I don't think it was the breasts.

You don't think it was the... I don't think it was... I think it was emotional. I think it was emotional. I think it was that too. Not to get corny, but I do think

there's something very poignant and something very poignant and very untouching about your... No, about your story. Because you're literally

like the American dream. Yeah, it was crazy. Dirt poor. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. Dirt poor. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. Dirt poor. Tin roof rusted. And then dollar sign,

self-made. I know the other day, Jason, on the tour, he called me bougie and I said, I'm not bougie, I'm rags to riches. It's very charming.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Don't forget it. I'm not blue blood, I'm nouveau riche yeah yeah yeah the basketball room the in the basketball the basketball for love or basketball okay now i have um i have a quick little um thing i want to do we're going to get to a q a i know you guys are getting a little

sick of us we're going to move it along um so this is um this is uh this paper the bff quiz bff quiz the BFF quiz. BFF quiz. The BFF quiz. Woo! Okay. And so I'm going to ask you what your questions are. And then I have the answers that were written by your assistant,

who knows you better than anybody. Good point. So I have the cheat sheet. Well, Brandon knows me very well, but you know what his rule number one is? He won't touch shit. He won't touch? Oh, Cuban feces? He won't touch my shit. And I've not asked him, but when we first started working together, he goes, just so you know,

my rule number one, like, I will not touch your shit. Like, if I shit my pants, Brandon's like, I'm not involved. It's good to have those boundaries. That's a very clear, understandable boundary, but I'm more concerned about the fact that having to draw that boundary

with you so soon I've seen you drinking just so you know I'm not going to be touching your shit just like Eden remember you're like

I won't let her shave my back see boundaries no I had to make her do it yeah actually I had this I was going to bring it

out here if my dress was so you know I was going to make you shave here if my dress wasn't so, you know, I was going to make you shave my back on stage, but that's a little too much. I would have done. I don't think David. David Silver wouldn't even do it. David Silver would maybe spare me yelling down the hallway. Are you going to shave that?

Like, that's all he's going to do. Wow. Okay. You guys, I'm safe at home. It was a joke. Jeez. God. Okay.

So, all right. So, celebrity crush. Okay. Paul Rudd. That's what I said. I got that. Savory or sweet? Sweet, mama.

Oh. If they wrote savory, I'm gonna... I said savory, but it's sweet. It's sweet. Is it because of the way I eat? You see me in the back of the bus with pizza in the dark? You've seen me. Okay.

I said sweet. She's like, I've seen you go in on noodles and company, mama. Favorite food? God. Taco Bell. I'm trying to think of what Brandon

would have said. What would Brandon have said? I hope he said salad. A light green juice, perhaps. What did he actually say? Cheese. Which is exactly what I would have said.

Oh, he must have meant the reduced fat Babybel. Yes. Yes. Least favorite food? Oh, God, there's so many. Olives. Yeah, olives. Olives, disgusting olives.

Every restaurant puts olives on things. I think they're so fucking gross. They're nasty. I think they're so gross. Oh, vile. Also, not to put your BF on blast, but I almost hurled in my mouth when he ordered a vodka martini

with blue cheese olives in it. Girl. Yes, David Marie Silver. Yes. He gets Chopin dirty martini with multiple blue cheese olives. Mama.

And I fuck him anyway. That's love. That's love. Favorite holiday. This is fun. And this is the new content you guys wanted. No, listen. Favorite holiday.

Mama, give it up for Christmas. Of course, it's Christmas. Give it up for Christmas. Don't forget the reason. Biggest fear? Biggest fear? Gorillas. Animatronics. Animatronics. Yeah. Animatronics. Favorite place you've traveled to? Oh. Did you say Oshkosh

work, bitch? He fucking said Oshkosh. I hope he says Milwaukee. He did. Ah! Childhood dream job. Oh, I think I wanted to be a dentist actually. I saw the movie

Little Shop of Horrors and I thought all dentists sang. He said lottery bull puller bull lottery ball

puller on the low end. Oh, that's right. That's right. In Wisconsin, there's this woman and her job was to pull the lottery balls. And she just looked beautiful. And they did a close up of her manicure and she would just, and I was like, this bitch has it figured out. That is glamour.

Fun fact, years later, I work with her. Years later, her name's Lori Minetti. Years later, after watching her my whole life on the local news. You worked with her? I worked with her at a dinner theater show at an apple orchard. I've had a colorful life. And I go, how did you get that job? And she said, I just got it because of my personality.

She said, I loved it. She said, they gave me manicures twice a week because her job was a close-up of her hands. Oh, right, hand model. So her hands were like, don't touch them, don't look at them. Isn't that fierce? Wow. That's the whole story. Yeah.

Okay, now this is rapid fire. You can't think. You just have to answer. The first thing comes to mind. It's either or. Okay, ready? Scrambled or poached? Poached.

Morning or night? Morning. Hangnail or splinter? Oh. Splinter. Staple gun or chainsaw? Oh, staple gun. Dryer sheets or fabric softener?

Dryer sheets. Permanent press or gentle cycle? Gentle. Take out or delivery? Delivery, Mom. Puke or diarrhea? Oh, gotta get up for puke. Okay, killer clowns or zombie cheerleaders?

Oh, zombie cheerleaders. Okay, crocodiles or alligators? Crocs. Okay, posscodiles or alligators? Crocs. Okay. Possums or opossums? Opossums. Is there a difference? I don't know.

You tell me. Rats or mice? What? Rats or mice? Oh, rats. They're so cute. They are so cute. They are so cute. Every Tuesday I go down to the Petco

on Hollywood and I buy a few and I just let them go. That is their freedom. Aunts or uncles? Aunts. Aunts. Peepaw or Meemaw? Peepaw. Peepaw. Peepaw. Peepoo. Peepier poopoo.

We will be processing refunds in the lobby, you guys. Uh, peepee. Horseshoes or hand grenades? Oh, mama, horseshoes. Okay, love or basketball? Love. Okay, run DMC or ACDC?

Run DMC, bitch Okay, Huey Lewis or The News? Huey Lewis Kim Cattrall or SJP? Kim Cattrall Okay, that's it, there we go Oh my god Rapid fire

Yeah, we have compiled Basically, you're mostly ace Which means you are a psychopath Now Yeah and rapid fire. Rapid fire. Yeah, we have compiled that basically you're mostly ace which means you are a psychopath. Now, now, well, speaking of SJP,

I just have to mention something very quickly. You've been having psychic visions. It's the future, I can see. I've been having tableaus,

let's call them, because they're not quite dreams. They're not quite hallucinations. Let's call them tableaus. Premonitions? Okay. They're not quite hallucinations. Let's call them tableaus. Premonitions? They're not really premonitions either

because they don't seem to be helpful or indicative of the future. They're kind of capsules on their own. Like the other day when I was walking into the GLAAD Awards who were honoring Sherry Vine in the 25th anniversary of her song I Shit My Pants. That was a tableau.

It was not quite a dream or a hallucination, but it wasn't real. So that's what we're working with. I had this very clear, sharp sort of tableau where Sarah Jessica Parker barges in on Matthew Broderick being pegged by Todrick Hall. And she says,

this Kiki is marvelous. That's amazing. And I don't know what it means. I don't know what it like, but it means that you should watch the real gaze of West Hollywood. I guess so. I suppose I should.

I suppose I should. Well, that's fun. Yeah. You think we should ask some questions? I think we should open it up to, listen, I've been instructed that this time we're supposed to repeat your questions

so that if you've heard the pod, it's like, we can't hear anybody. So we're going to repeat your questions. So if you do have a question, we're going to call on you. You're going to ask your question and then I or she

will repeat the question and then we'll answer it. Yeah, this is the honesty round. Yeah. Truth or dare. You right here in the front. Love it. Just scream, girl, scream. How do you love PNFW?

Which one of you is Macy? Which one of you is Faye? Oh my god, that is a fabulous question. Well, should we tell them what he asked? Yes, I think we should. So this lovely person here just asked, as fans of terrestrial radio, KNFW, in the morning, which one of us is Macy and which one of us is Theta?

They are co-hosts of this radio show called KNFW, terrestrial radio for long-haul truckers in the flyover country. And once you listen to it, you'll forget we ever existed. You will forget. When I say store brand, that's us. They are bespoke. They are bespoke.

They're so, so funny. But I think I think I'm probably Theta. There you go. There you go. I don't know what Theta. Oh, there you go. There you go. The pod's over. I don't know what Theta looks like.

Oh, she's probably really gorgeous. Yeah, she is probably gorgeous. Well, I guess I don't like to decide on people's value based on what they look like. That's just like not me, but I don't know. That's a great question. That's a great question. We're going to have to think about that for a long time.

Honestly, I don't think I deserve to be compared to either one of them because they're so fabulous. That's sweet. They're so great. And I don't think they deserve that either. I don't know, I don't think I don't think I don't think I deserve to be compared to either one of them because they're so fabulous. That's sweet. They're so great. And I don't think they deserve that either. I don't know. They don't deserve that.

They don't deserve that. But do tune in to KNFW in the morning terrestrial radio for long haul truckers in the flyover country. It's a fabulous show. Okay, next question.

Yeah. Oh, sure. Oh, yes. So this lovely person just asked us if we could talk about the process of creating the Team Trixie and Team Katya palette. I would love to mention something.

What? The Italian rhythmic gymnast stunt double. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I remember the commercial. In the commercial we made, you see Katya and then you see somebody who looks just like Katya in the same wig and outfit doing stunts. But unfortunately, so here's the commercial. In the commercial we made, you see Katya, and then you see somebody who looks just like Katya in the same wig and outfit doing stunts. But unfortunately, so here's the problem.

She was tiny. She was 80 pounds of muscle. 80 pounds. Muscle. About 4'11", and we had a double made of the outfit for her, but she was swimming in it. And so when it came to do her shots, it was like, oh, will you lend her yours? And I said, I had to put my foot down.

I said, mama, this leotard is soaked in sweat. So I am not about to subject a Olympian to this. It was just such a lack of dignity. I feel like it would have been, I would never have been able to live with myself. No offense, way too big for her. Well, yeah, no shit,

but I mean, at least it would have been the same outfit. You know what I mean? If you guys have seen Trixie and Katya live, not to give it away, but there's a part

where we throw a blow-up doll on stage dressed as Katya, right? No, you just ruined it. Oh, sorry. There's like two more weeks. I know, but I didn't think anybody knew it was a blow-up doll.

Mom. I ruined the stunt. didn't think anybody knew it was the blow-up doll. Mom. I ruined the stunt. You're right. You really did. I would love for the last show if you just hurled your body out instead of the doll. I would love to do it. I would love to do it.

That little blow-up doll. And they make blow-up dolls really small because people who want to fuck, they want to feel like, I don't know, giants. I don't know. Avatar. Avatar. I don't know why they don't want the doll the same size as them. I mean, I have Matthew Camp, who's I think think six four in my house that doll is huge so heavy 300 fucking pounds of silicone this is a serious inquiry i bought that doll for a tiktok it was 4500 and hey we're all different and if anybody in the Los Angeles area has earnest interest

in having it for sex I want it to go to like I want it to go to the sex doll equivalent of like

a farm yes you know where he can run you don't want to send it to a kill shelter yeah it has the working dick and like you can

you know I mean the dick is very perky although you have to come to my house to get it not to be gross but I mean I have simply very perky although you have to come to my house to get it. Not to be gross but I mean I have simply have palpated that member quite a few times

and I can feel the wire in there. Yeah, it's in there. But it's just like a normal dick. You can feel that metal wire going through it. It's sounding. How else do they get hard? See? Okay. Great question. That's what you wanted to know about the makeup, right? Thank you. Yeah. But I insisted.

I was, I was, I insisted that we do a commercial. And I was like, I want to do this palette as long as we get to do a commercial and you're going to give me a fucking stunt double. And she did. I was very grateful for that. Pretty much all the collabs, we let the person pick all the shades, all the names. They literally do all of it. It's nice because I don't, I do very little.

Yeah. And it's great. And oh, by the way, um, the Oh Honey 2 palette. It's a Slay, Sugar pill. It's a slay. I'm wearing the whole thing on my eyes tonight. Thank you very much. It's a slay. Doing makeup artistry, courtesy of Trixie Cosmetics. Next question. Anybody over here

have a question? You know what I was going to say. Anybody over here have a question? That hand right there. So this person asked if I've seen The Visit. I don't know. You told me to watch that movie and I didn't watch it either. So we're behind. Oh, no.

We've been touring. No, but I did. No, but I will answer your question with a different answer. Or I'll say something else. I watched Infinity Pool. Has anybody seen Infinity Pool? Mama. It is

wackyjackie.com slash oh my gosh what is going on? It is wild. Oh, these legs. It's crazy, girl. You gotta watch it. Brandon Cronenberg, Nepo Baby

socking it to ya. Infinity Pool. I wish they were a sponsor. I wish. The a sponsor I wish The kicker is the other day on the podcast I saw a comment that said oh good they're talking about movies again Oh mama Infinity pool socks to your body

Body horror Is it a lot though Is it worse than crimes of the future Mama it's by the son The father did crimes of the future The son did Infinity Pool. It's the family affair. It's so good.

Is that the answer you wanted? You got the free song and dance out of it. Long story, you're horny, aren't you? No, I have not seen The Visit. I did watch Infinity Pool. One of you whores in the top up there. I can't remember. Okay, you in the back.

That person who yelled. Hello, women. Hello. She said, hello, women. Thank you. What is one thing you said on the pod that you were shocked came out of your mouth? All of it. All of it. Like the compilations especially. I feel like I'm in that movie Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl.

You know that part where she's in bed and she's passing away and the movie's projected on the wall and she's like... Because... That's like me with my vape. That is literally like me with my... Yeah, infinity pool.

Or I also... So when we watch, sometimes sometimes i'm like there's sex that i've had that i think i just i mean you've seen our memories at work like i know it's 50 first dates up here at this point but less production and it's like i'll see sex things i'm like i did do that i loved that i think sometimes they regret talking about blood out of the penis hole. Uh-huh. Well, I didn't tell you. Did we talk about, you know, you guys know how I had hemorrhoids for a long time? We talked about it on every show we're on.

I think I talked about it on Netflix. I know, the crossover appeal. January 6th, I was at the Capitol yelling it. Like, I'm just getting the word out there. Getting the word out. I truly am flummoxed and flabbergasted by your readiness and willingness to discuss your hemorrhoids. Listen, Kathy Griffin got a pap smear on TV.

It's good for the humanity to talk about your body. But did I tell you that they're gone and what happened? What happened? I'll give you the Cliff's notes because it's... You want to talk about your body. But did I tell you that they're gone and what happened? What happened? I'll give you the CliffsNotes because it's, you want to talk body horror. This is actually one of the craziest things that's ever happened. I can't believe I haven't told you this. Holy fucking shit.

This is nasty, you guys. Like later, any of you who had a half idea of like messaging me on Grindr or like that's going to fly away right now. But I'll have you know that my butt right now, mama, is top model. Top model. But for a while, it was Crimes of the Future. Yes.

So while I was in London shooting a certain competition reality show, oh, I could say they announced Queen of the Universe season two. Queen of the Universe, yeah. Right? I try to keep my head in the game. I try to judge it as fairly as possible because season two, these

bitches are amazing. It's unreal. So I'm going to the doctor and they have, it's free healthcare, babes. And you know in the UK, they're always like, it's not that great. You have to wait a long time to get into it. How come now when I did a British person I didn't give them an accent? I don't know. So I go to the doctor because I'm like, this has been going on and worsening and crazy. I go there. I don't know. So I go to the doctor because I'm like, this has been going on and worsening and crazy.

I go there, I get to the doctor, I lay on the table. They say, this is a different country. This is when I know I'm in a different country. Okay.

They say, get on the table and pull down your pants. There is no curtain. There is no, there's no bathrobe or like, what do we call a paper robe?

A gown, medical gowns. I don't know. I have my gaff on. I have my gaff. I'm tucked and I'm laying there and pull down the bundle. And this guy goes, he looks, he goes, just British, right?

And then he exhales, he pauses, he closes the door just a little bit and looks out the hallway and then talks very softly to me. And I'm like, okay, well now we're at the point where the doctor is telling me secret information. Like this isn't good. And, like, I've done gay sex, but I'm not doing... Like, I'm not doing Jurassic World. Like, I'm just doing it.

It's a peaceful transition, you know, into the afterlife. And the doctor goes, all right, you know, I could have you come back here in two weeks. We could get the anesthesia down here. We have to schedule an appointment. You could just get on the table

and I can just cut them out right now. Because he told me it was like it was hardened pieces of blood. He's like, oh, it's not even that. This is like, like anyway. So then the cutting begins. This is fucking crazy. The cutting, Mary,

did I tell you this? I have to imagine. Divinity pool. But the doctor was like, oh, once I do this, that will never happen and it'll be gone forever. And it was and it is.

I've been stretching that sucker out. It's all good. No, I'm just kidding. So, the slicing, no anesthesia. No anesthesia

whatsoever. What are you talking about? I'm talking about slicing and dicing and removing. You didn't blow the weed into your butthole or anything? I'm talking making incisions and removing. And I'm fully in the world, just like, mm-hmm.

Is that ethical? I've got to judge Queen of the Universe tomorrow. So cut to me the next day in full drag judging with just... Diaper, diaper. Basically a diaper. Basically a diaper. I won't say which episode, but you can figure it out. I need to know if Mel B saw your bloody diaper. Basically a diaper. I won't say which episode, but you can figure it out. I need to

know if Mel B saw your bloody diaper. She, I really did sit next to Mel B all year and it was fucking crazy, girl. It's crazy. I just, the whole time I was like, she doesn't need to know you have five Mel B dolls. The whole time.

And you don't have to say it. And you're not gonna say it. You were sitting next to that bitch being shitty spice the whole time. Yes. That's so fierce. Wait, I can finally tell you this story too. Oh, fuck. Whoever asked this question, oh, I feel, this is so exciting. Okay. So, Mel

B is the new judge on Queen of the Universe. Scary spice, right? And it's the end of the season. I won't say anything about what happens, but there's a little wrap party because we're all packing up our shit. The judges were all packing. And then the production people who've been working the whole season so hard, they're having like a little woo. They're listening to music on their speaker. I'm picking songs for us all to dance to. And we thought Mel B left a while ago. So I said, let's fuck around and find out and play wannabe. Let's, you notice I said, I thought she left.? So, I'm blaring wannabe.

And you know that song, it's like Baby Shark. It just gets in your head and you're like, -"Yes, yes, yes!" -"Yeah." So, we're all dancing, because this is the UK. These PAs, they're like, -"Mama, the Spice Girls, that's Madonna to them." You know what I mean? It's like, oh! We're all dancing, it's like,

-"Tell me what I want, yes, yes, yes!" That Mel B comes back in and we're all like... Imagine Mel B comes in and sees you freak dancing to fucking... And we're like... And Mel B walks in, she puts her hands on her hips, and she looks around at us disgusted and for a beat, and then she goes, so here's a story from A to Z.

And all these British gays who work on the show were like... Wig, gone. They were doing... Yeah. Anyway. So, yeah, on the pod, we do regret things we say. It does happen. I think, unfortunately, I think we're almost out of time.

We're out of time. Yeah, we're almost out of time. No. But do you want to be one more question? Yeah, one more, but it has to be good, so if it's not good we're gonna skip you maybe a couple more

a couple more I'll let you pick okay let me just make sure yeah yeah yeah um yeah straight ahead right there

yeah mm-hmm oh sure yeah sure sure oh wait wait wait wait so this person asked if she could do her

impersonation of homophobic Cher which yes but wait I also I almost forgot This person asked if she could do her impersonation of homophobic Cher, which, yes. But wait. I also, I almost forgot. I have a new impersonation. She does?

I do. So I've been sick, so I was going to sing a song, but unfortunately I can't get the range because of my nose on the throat right now. But I can do an impersonation. If anybody's seen The Silence of the Lambs. has anybody seen the movie The Silence of the Lambs? so this is James Gumm played by Ted Levine hold on it's really really good so just

be quiet for a second so Clarice goes to the door and she's asking if he's ever if he knew Frederica Bimmel and he says no but then he says oh wait and she's asking if he knew Frederica Bemel. And he says no, but then he says, oh, wait.

Now, if you've seen the movie, you know that that's really good. I'll do it again. Oh, wait. The issue is, they don't like good impersonations. You think they like the Cher because it's amazing? Well, I'm just giving them variety. Right, you're giving them levels.

I'll do it again. Oh, weed. It's incredible. If you know, you know. It is incredible. I'm sorry. I think it's amazing. Was she a great big fat person?

Oh, weed. It's good. They should have had Cher as James Bond. I know. Oh, my, could you imagine? Oh, weed. Was she good. They should have had Cher as James. I know. Could you imagine? Oh, wait. Is she a great big fat person? That's so bad. You guys really like bad things.

You like bad things. Will you do it? Do it a little bit. I wanted to wear skin because it's a woman's world, bitch. Would you buy the size 14? We have to go. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Chicago, so much for coming.

We're going to get out of drag. If you like disco, come to Beauty Bar tonight. We're going to drink and dance. Bye. Thank you. Right on the seat.