The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Losing Your Virginity at a Ruby Tuesday with Michael Henry & Tim Murray

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

From the new OUTtv series Wish You Were Queer, Michael Henry and Tim Murray regale Trixie and Katya with epic tales of suburban cruising permits, the epicurean superiority of Chili's, and a hook-up debate as old as time: to chomp or not to chomp. Don't miss the May 22nd premiere of Wish You Were Queer on OUTtv! Make progress towards a better financial future with Chime! Open your account in minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD To check out Google Gemini, go to: ⁠https://gemini.google/students⁠ Get your gut going and support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+! Get 25% off your first month at: https://Ritual.com/BALD Need a website? Head to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code BALD To use Ro's free insurance checker, go to https://Ro.co/BALD Follow Tim: @tmurray06 Follow Michael: @MichaelHenry915 To check out "Wish You Were Queer" on OUTtv, head to: https://outtvglobal.com Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠https://trixieandkatyalive.com⁠⁠ To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: ⁠⁠https://workinggirlsbook.com⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's aura r a.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. So this week on the very bald and the very beautiful, we have two actually beautiful people to go with two bald people. We are joined by two very special guests, hilarious, read it as written, hilarious comedians and stars of their hit new out TV show, Wish You Were Queer, it's Tim Murray and Michael Henry. Oh shit, oh shit.

I'm so excited to be here. I honestly feel like you guys are like us, where at this point, if people don't know you, they're actively avoiding you on the internet. Yeah, they're homophobic. It's a vendetta. Yeah. Because if you watch one Michael Henry video,

YouTube every week is like, guess who's back in the house. Exactly. And I'm not leaving. I'm here. Not until you've watched it to the very end. You can mute him as much as you want, he will pop back up.

Well, have you ever done a Michael Henry video? Oh, please be in one. She takes you to the park. Yes. Lays down the park. Yes. Lays down a blanket. Yes. Swear to God. Lays down a blanket, because it's what?

It's public domain. It's, I say so. But it's daytime. Okay, daytime. She's at the park at night. I'm at the park at night, you know. Well, I film at the same parks that people cruise at at night.

Such as? The Poinsettia. Poinsettia Park. Well, that's a huge one. Everyone knows that. That's the Gay K. Hickall Park. What about Plummer Park? Yes, Plummer Park, I film there too.

And then Pan Pacific. Oh yeah. So everywhere you cruise, I film. It's interesting. Everybody. And sometimes I film for my comedy skits too. Exactly. What about out of town cruising spots?

Those are permitted. So can well, you guys are doing this show where you travel. Can you tell Katie bug about the show? Yeah, I'm not bitter at all. Cause I definitely did not have an out TV show ready to go at all. And they just canceled it as if they could sell a show where you travel. I did. No, you at airports being mad. No, no, no. Eating pretzels and being pissed off? Well, that's not really what it should be called. Going into a bathroom and coming out

because it's too full. Wish you were queer and wish I was home. Yeah, that's her. Wish I was home. Wish I was home, Mo. UTI. Yeah. Go ahead, Simon.

How did you guys get the idea for this travel project? It's basically a real life. Yeah, it's probably just like you guys. When you're on the road, we're like, okay, we're miserable and yelling at each other. Someone should put a camera on this. Yeah. Go ahead. No, I already talked too much.

She waits for me to talk and it arrests me. It's so fucked up. For real though, what is the most lonesome. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that.

I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that.

I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that.

I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. little, just a little decorum. And it just gets like yesterday I was waiting in line for the bathroom on the plane and the man behind me, I like got out of the ways when old lady could walk and he cut me in line and went to the bathroom before me. Yes. He was squattered in the URL, taking a big dump. Stop farting, stop farting and pooping on the plane.

Well, I I also say the straight guys in the stalls, they are pooping. Like they are pushing the rock from Indiana Jones out of their ass. It's this. Yeah. They're doing it at like, the more decimals, the better. Or decibels, decibels.

What's the one with the sound? Decibels. I think it's that. The louder the better when it comes to blowing ass. Straight men need to take Lamaze class so that they could poop easier. This is a great idea. And also Metamucil. Yeah.

It shouldn't be soft serve, but it shouldn't be two by fours, blocks of wood. I don't think it should be anything. We're not doing number two in public. Well, that's where you're getting really busy. Well, sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta go. But you know what though? Okay, what about this then?

Why, so like fancy places like those airport lounges often have a stall that has a door that goes right to the ground. Hard for cruising, yeah. Why do you have two foot differential on the- Well, for the toe tapping. And then six inches of that much like, you can see everything. Six inches is a lot. It's for sure. I know. And then six inches of that much like, you can see everything.

Six inches is a lot. I know. And don't let anybody tell you different. Six inches is a lot. Six inches is a lot. And they're doing that toe tapping, not for cruising, but they're playing Trixie's hits. Yeah.

No, I think sometimes that. Tapping when they're blowing ass. Well, awesome, I'll toe tap and people will be like, oh, ooh la la. Always French people. And they get French Canadians. Yeah, at the Austin airport. And they get under and they whip up the dick and I was like,

I was doing like stars twinkle bird. I was doing kind of a number. Right. That's my finger. Thank you Senator Larry Craig. I've hooked up at an airport bathroom before. You have? Philly.

What happened? What happened? You know, I mean, it was a Grindr connection. Okay. Yeah. I mean, give us a blow-by-blow every single detail. Literally, it was on, literally, I'm always on Grindr at airports. Literally never hook up. But nobody can host. Well, unless you're at the bathroom at Philly airport and you hook up with a flight

attendant, they know the most discreet terminals. You hooked up with a flight attendant? The breastfeeding bathrooms. I hooked up with a flight attendant once. That's a good spot. Family bathrooms. You never fucked a flight attendant? You dissect. I've never fucked a flight attendant. It's hard to not fuck a flight attendant in the gay world. You have to be actively avoiding it. And everybody's a hairdresser or a flight attendant. I would honestly do it just to respect the job.

The hustle is a bad job. Well, I think it's okay. If you're flying Delta, you can fuck Delta, but you can't do cross-generational. Because you won't get points. You won't get the point You're hooked up with a flight attendant once and he told me that they are known to be slutty and they call themselves air mattresses Yes, they're proud of that Yeah, I hooked up with a pilot one time see that's hot. No, I went crazy

What he went career he sent me like the nastiest text message afterwards. That was- We were always drunk. Yeah. Now I'm like, it's full flight. Every time I get on a plane, I'm like, please don't let it be him. Because he, this man is crazy.

That's my thing. I don't want to hook up with a pilot because I don't want to hear any of the, you know, behind the scenes secrets. No, I also don't like it when pilots are not hot. If you're getting off the plane and the pilot is not- Or a woman, I was just gonna say. Or trans. I don't like it when pilots are not hot if you get enough to play in Or trans

And michael is going to the front of the cockpit the cockpit and michael is pulling down pants and he's examining birth genders, yes And that's what our show is about tune in to out tv So wait your show is going to premiere out TV and you guys travel as comics in the show but you also take in the local color. We sure do. So basically we go to you and we're like, we are the Tmoo versions of you guys. We're the non-successful

We're the Tmoo versions of your own selves. We're basically like, we are like, you know non-union, non-union, non-equity road gremlins and we go to Trixie and say please, for the we are like, you know, non-union non-union, non-equity road gremlins. And we go to Trixie and say, please, for the love of God, you know, produce our stand up special. And she's like, you're funny in your clips and in LA, but are you funny everywhere else? And we get in an RV and we drive through middle America and do stand up and try to

get material from whatever we see. We talk to local homos and see if they're interesting or funny and then do stand up and you say. And when they're not, then we just. Yeah. There is nothing worse than like when you do the comedy festivals and they, which is fun, love that. But they make you sometimes before taping, they put you on a show.

It'll be like 10 random comics and people come hoping to see Bilbo or whatever. And you walk out in drag or whatever and you do the gay jokes. The prostate jokes. I have never bombed like that in my life. I did Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and I was on the lineup with like 10 straight comedians

that were like, and there's all UK people, so they're like, what about the flats are so expensive? Yes. And I was in full witch drag. It was, I literally, I felt- Why were you a witch? Are we doing wicked? I was doing like a- Why were you a witch? I was doing full witch drag. It was, I literally, I felt- Why were you a witch? Are we doing wicked? I was doing like a-

Why were you a witch? I was doing like a- Tim does this act where he can hear any Elphaba singing and tell you who it is. I knew you weren't gonna like that. I could see before your face even made a face. I was like, how do you walk out? How many Elphabas have there been?

Well, Delta Work to Diet Coke is him with Elphaba. Okay, okay. Well, we were watching Love on the Spectrum the other day and there was a guy who could tell you what key every Which was so impressive impressive No, so how like how many of their been over like well if you just do Broadway, there's been like probably 40. 40? Oh yeah, baby. So this is like that guy with the-

So Dana has been doing it on Broadway. But then there's tours and there's Australia and there's UK, there's like a lot of them. You know every single one? I don't know that I know every single one. Hit it! Wait, I was listening to Anna Gastar did it and she was talking about,

do you see the story she talked about? She talked about like one in a million things happen on stage where the Elphaba won't go up. So then instead of her going in the air and the audience being like, wow, the people of Oz with the staffs throw themselves on the ground and pretend she's in the air. Imagine you go to see Wicked and you're like,

watch this bitch, your mother-in-law, whoever you're like, watch this. And she just stands on the ground and goes, like, well, we did that in our show when I'm the few, the few venues that wouldn't allow flight. We had to do a Barbie doll. Okay. Humiliating. And some of the venues said you can't fly Katya for wind beneath my wings. Are you joking? You fly in the show? No, I get lifted up like pretty high though. Yeah. She flew every night. $2,500 a night plus insurance. high though. Yeah, she flew every night $200 a night plus insurance. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was like an extravagant

It was the most expensive thing so why wouldn't some of the venues allow this well cuz they didn't have the hardware Yeah, they didn't have the it's you know, you guys are really playing better venues that I tried to do it Not in Christchurch, New Zealand. Not in Hobart, Tasmania. We're just lucky if we have a toilet in our green rooms. 100%. Sometimes that is our green room. It is the toilet. We didn't have a toilet at World of...

Well, we would have to get in drag and go up to the fourth floor, but in the basement we filmed, uh, no urinal, no nothing. We'd be in drag peeing outside most of the time. On Hollywood Boulevard. On the wall. Yes. In the blazing sun. In drag. I used to go to the bar across the street.

Borders. Borders. Amazing nachos. And a great goth night, I believe. Yes. Something for everybody. Yeah. We basically were on that tour.

Instead of the audience, the fans who have seen Kati do wind breath wings and fly, they're like, this is gonna be great. So they get there. And instead of Kati going in the air, they black out the stage, they cut to backstage a Barbie doll on fishing line in a live camera feed and they just lift it up. That is pretty funny though. She was wearing the same outfit.

So I feel like it's like similar. That's incredible kind of. Yeah, it was really humiliating. It was humiliating and a huge let down. It's incredible kind of. Well, at least you're doing that. It's low key amazing. Kind of amazing. Very low key amazing. It's incredible, kind of. Well, at least you're doing that. It's low-key amazing. Very low-key amazing.

It's somewhat awesome. It's somewhat actually kind of fierce. I did a show where I had doing musical comedy, musical tracks, and the guy could not figure out how to press the space bar to press play. I was just doing crowd work for like 15 minutes while I was like, Randy, you got it yet? We were at a venue once and I know his cues and he's queued up ready to do his number

and the sound person's just eating chips. I had to go up to him and be like, hit the button. Damn. While I'm literally like, hit from stage, hit the button. There have been sometimes where if you fly in, you have to do a morning tech check like that with your gig. If you have like one show where it's just you and there's certain cues, but you're using local people and then sometimes

They're so off that you go this person is homophobic. Yes, or yeah an alcoholic Yeah, or both. Yeah, I bet if I look over to you in the key, I better see You better be in the throes of stage four something. Because we did a sound check. That's what pisses me off sometimes. It's like, what was the sound check for? Just for the fun of it? I mean, there's nothing worse than like the double whammy of homophobia and incompetence.

That really sucks. I did one recently where his kid was there with him and my show was like very crass. I was like, hey, I'm just going to with him and my show was like very crass. I was like, hey, I'm just gonna wait until he, he was like, no, he's gonna be here the whole time. I was like, how old? 28. He's not ready.

He's not ready to hear what I have. So how come you never went in the air? Went in the air? Yeah, like you didn't wanna fly? Well, each of the wires were tested for 2,000 pounds I still didn't want to chance it. Yeah chance. She was pushing it Yeah, you know there were some times where I could feel a you feel a strain Well, she was like I had this idea for the show where I fly every night and they said oh, yeah It cost about $2,500 an evening. I said, what are your other ideas?

But then it ended up being like the best part of the show. But also 2500 plus the whole like the Dedicated person. You have to fly with a person to do that. And didn't you have to sound check it every day? Yeah, yeah. She had to do it every day before the show. I ended up not doing it and people got a chance to go up. Like crew members would be like, I'm gonna go up.

Yeah. It's me. It's really hard on your pussy. I would imagine. Pink must go Through a lot Do you guys think in season two you guys will get to go on the blue origin But I hope Only if you calls me a faggot on live TV

To whom to mateo lane who gail king? Right before she went in space He says faggotry in his stand-up special and she's quoting him she's like what the faggotry is this That's actually so fair. It's so fair. Sometimes lately I'm trying to pick people. I was talking to Drew of Wallow and I was like, I think you could say faggot. She was like, I think I could. She said, but I won't. She's like, gay guys always tell me that I'm allowed, but I'm not going to.

I allow it. I love it. We try to get my mom to say it on episode one. He kept going up to my mom and be like, and the cameras were rolling, and you're like, will you say cunt? And she was like. No! Oh, damn.

Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn.

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So get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual's Cymiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash bald. That's ritual.com slash bald for 25% off your first month. What was the highlight of the trip, your standup tour? We ate really good hot dogs in Columbus oh really you really did that was good we wrangled alligators and

near Pensacola you wrangled alligators wrangled yeah I'm not big ones but yeah I DJ'd in Pensacola last year it was like 98 degrees outside. I love Pensacola., guess what happened to us in Columbus? Nazi march. We were in Columbus and Fina, hair and makeup assistant, sent us a video of, this is not reflection of Columbus, but that day there was a white supremacy march. Like unambiguous Nazis. And you know, Columbus Twitter, which I'm on, was like, this is horrible, this does not represent us, but they sure were just marching.

And we were like, we're here, folks. We're here. We're here. That's we're here. We're like the opposite of we're here, because we are not going and making people's lives better. We need help. We need their local help. Are you there? Maybe that's a better one.

We're there, but not mentally. I could have never done We're Here. The way they would go and have these- In an RV. They have these conversations where they get called basically everything, but if I get on camera and they play it cool and they try to relate, I would not be that.

Yeah, also I can't get that earnest and I don't care about people's lives that much. Yeah, no. You know, like, bring a book. I can't get that earnest and I don't care about people's lives that much. Yeah No, you know like bring a book. Yeah, we don't subscribe to like I'm sorry that that must has to size But you should put on a wig Don't be the key to cancer is a wig. Yeah, not only It's a bit. It's also your slashes. Yes. Also fierce lash. Yeah, I'm T Corio. Yeah, it's country Corio. Yeah, that's for IBS Yeah, now that's faggotry.

Yeah. Your father hates you, put on some shoes. Like what? It doesn't make any sense. Did you guys pull a lot of, um, do sex stuff on the road? Yeah. Yes. Oh my God. Atlanta BJ Roosters. Ever been? What do you think? Atlanta BJ Roosters? Honey. What is it?

That's my drag name. Atlanta BJ Roosters. I'm telling you, everywhere I go, I'm promoting BJ roosters? Honey! What is it? That's my drag name. Atlanta BJ roosters! I'm telling you, everywhere I go I'm promoting BJ roosters. What is it? It's a male strip club. Oh, so that probably, I've been to the Swingin' Richards. Well, this is what it's remixed into. BJ roosters. So there's a cock theme I'm sensing.

Uh-huh. And balls. Cock and balls. What do they do? cock theme I'm sensing. And balls. Cock and balls. What do they do? Full nude, full nude. They can be, there's private dances. There's, the biggest penises I've ever seen in my entire life are at. Get out of here.

And they fly. BJ roosters, they fly, yeah. $2,500 to get a. $2,500. You think they're doing trimix? Trimix? 100%. That's when you adjust your jigs.

It's like Weetabix. Yeah. And you know you have to do a affrin to make it go down. Yes. It's an antihistamine. It won't go down? You have to, if it's up for more than six to eight hours. I need one, these ones wake me up, these ones put me down.

These ones get the voice. And all your hookups have to lay down on the ground, like in Defying Gravity, look up as you go down. We went, Katya and I went to swing and Richards once with like a big group of drag queens And I don't like to tip but I want to support them You want to support the girls? I would give the money and she would tip them. It was very roundabout sort of through the sheet sort of handmaids Got it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm all about it. Under his eye.

I love it too. I love it. He whacked my hat off with his dick and it flew like 30 feet. Oh yes. They also were doing the- Go ahead. I was gonna say in Montreal,

they have a similar situation. I got a lap dance from this one dancer. When he was taking off his underwear, his dick was so hard it flung precom in my face. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm out. But that's the sort of quality programming that we're doing.

You were in one of those plastic aprons that said let's get cracking with the lobster on it. They got my hat off. Basically. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, when we, the guy stood up and took the, he took the penis and he went like this.

He took the penis. And hit her hat off her head. Yeah, we're doing tricks. Yeah, it was very Cirque du Soleil. Jess had brain surgery. Yeah, I just put a turkey. That was exposed brain. I just come back from Turkey, all my bloody plugs were showing.

They all fell out. That's how her plugs fell out. I went to that one in Montreal too with Mateo Lane, and you guessed it, Nicole Beier. The other gayest man I know. Is that the one where they have like mermaid men in the fish tank? This one, it really lacked a theme. They didn't come out as like a firefighter or whatever.

They came out in like a t-shirt and jeans and put on like, if you want my body, and just slowly took the clothes off, but not even that slow enough. Yeah, well there's one there, I think it's called called campus and they go out, do a number where they're closed and real enthusiastic. And then the next one, they're just fully naked. Oh, I love that. Yeah. So they get magic. Now Mike just like Mike and no magic and no magic. You guys, did you get to go to a lot of gay bars on your trip? We do a lot of gay bar in Louisville.

There's like not a whole lot to do. So we all gay bars. We just went to play, right? We didn't go to those. We went to, have you ever been like actually kind of cool strip of like houses? They're like old, old like Victorian houses that they've turned into gay bars. It's kind of neat. I went to one in Memphis. Yeah, we went to a dentist.

It's not like the downtown area. That was a gay bar. There was a houses and one of the houses was turned into a dentist. It's not like the downtown area. That was a gay bar. There was the houses and one of the houses was turned into a dentist's office. And there was a murder, a famous gay murder like right around the corner. Everyone in town wanted to tell us about it. A threesome famous. Where they put was it math? No, of course it's got to be. I'm sure. Why else you gay people kill each other? In P town, when Peaches Christ and I shared a house one summer, they were like,

oh, that's the house last year where someone cheated on his husband and then chopped the arms off and let the body lay in the closet. And Peaches Christ was like, that's amazing. She's into creepy stuff. She was like- I love that kind of thing too. I think about you every time I'm in P-Town

and that summer that you did there. It's so hard. Three summers, it is hard. Yeah, she's still there. Do you guys ever go to summers. It is hard. Yeah. She's still there. Do you guys ever go to the Dick Doc? I haven't been to the Dick Doc. I was there every night. Loved it. Dick and co.

Honey, I... Pull yourself together, man. Hold on. She's reliving it. I had such a, I had a great time, but I used teeth on guys' dicks sometimes. Oh, your chomper. I can't help it.

Chomper. Yes, you can. I can't help it. My mouth only opens so big. I've got big teeth and a small mouth. Okay. But one guy flinched so hard, I was so embarrassed. I just want to get in the water and swim to Boston.

I was like... Damn. It was like, come on. Don't do this to me.'t, don't do this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. Don't leave me this way. I mean, I gave a blowjob to a guy with brace. I had braces on my first one. It was not exactly the texture. He was just a back brace. suck for a sec Dear God, make me a bird, sacrifice my father far, far away from here Oh my God You know my favorite Forrest Gump-ism is

I think of this all the time, seats taken Seats can't sit here What's her name who plays Jenny? Robin Wright So beautiful So stunning, giving very much jewel Aides, dyes of aides in that movie I believe In the movie, Sure, dog. When I was a kid, I would reenact the scene

when she's on the ledge in the high heels. So glamorous, though. That scared the shit out of me. Disco coats out. That was country. Gay coated. Yeah. And I like that it doesn't glamorize it.

It's like, damn. Are you kidding me? That was the most glamorous thing I've ever seen. That's what I was just gonna say. She was having a great time New Year's Eve, beautiful heels. Halter top, I believe. Beautiful gown.

I do like when Forrest buys her childhood home and then I think has it bulldozed. That's horny. That is. That's hot. Because her dad was like horrible abuser. Yeah. It's so sad when he goes to talk to the grave

and tell her about how beautiful her son is. Okay, I start sobbing right here now. It's so sad. It's so, Tom Hanks, did you know this? Did you know this? They cast the actor who played him young and the actor had an accent. So Tom Hanks added did you know this? Did you know this? They cast the actor who played him young and the actor had an accent. So Tom Hanks added the accent to the character

to match the kids. That is great. Did you also know it wasn't supposed to be Tom Hanks? It was supposed to be. Roseanne Barr. I was gonna say a woman too. Well, you heard that Julia Roberts was supposed to play Harriet Tubman.

Oh, no. I swear on my life. No, that's actually true. Who was supposed to play what? Julia Roberts play Harriet Tubman. Oh. No. I swear on my life. No, that's actually true. Who was supposed to play what? Julia Roberts. Harriet Tubman. This is actually true. In the 90s.

The Black Woman? Yes. Bob the Drag Queen, get in here, open the book. Let's take a break. Open the book. Isn't that crazy? If and when they make Bob the Drag Queen's Harriet Tubman live in concert into a film,

obviously Julia will be in the call. Or Patty Arquette. Patty Arquette. Oh, she can do anything. Of course. She can do anything. Leslie Jordan turned 70 yesterday. Oh.

Post posthumously. Okay, posthumously, I was gonna say. What an icon. Seriously. What age do you guys wanna die at? 19. Tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah.

No, if you could choose today. I want to die. I want to die before it gets real Crypt Keeper. How are you going to know? You'll see it in the mirror. I'll let you know. I know what you have to do. You'll let me know.

If you had to choose right now the age, what would it be? I want to die at 78. Oh, okay. Do you think that you're not going to be approaching Crypt Keeper by 78? Because a white person lives in California. I got my Botox in Ohio from a girl I went to think that you're not going to be approaching Crip keeper by 78. How's a white person lives in California? I get my Botox in Ohio from a girl I went to high school. Is that a flat?

Janice knows what's up. It is a flex and it's cheap. She gives me my Botox at the Kroger. Well, you know, they're doing whole talks now. Oh, I know. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to get a whole talks in Columbus, Ohio.

Yeah. Yeah. How's the Fisher? Botox. Yeah. Fine, you didn't keep asking. Anal paralytics. Look at me. Anal paralytics. When do you want to die?

If I had to pick an age today, I'd say 65. 65 is not enough. Is it okay to get Botox at home? Is that what you're doing? Or you go to an office? I go to an office. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's an office max.

It's like a real, it's my first real doctor. She's a real doctor. They have the Carver ice cream cake in the Dunkin Donuts, right? The Baskin Robbins. My first dose of the COVID vaccine, I slept with a pharmacist. And he was like, well, you know, I can get you a vaccine. You can either come get it or you can meet me at my house and we have like an hour before it goes bad. Oh, that's was like, well, you know, I can get you a vaccine. You can either come get it or you can meet me at my house. And we have like an hour before it goes bad. Oh, that's kind. You really cheat. I wrap up the hookup after the hookup. It was like, you know, normally there's cash on the table.

It was like, well, let's do your poke. It's like Pfizer or Moderna. Right. Johnson and Johnson and Johnson. Yeah. Oh, Johnson and Johnson and Johnson. Yeah. Yeah. Squarespace, baby. Today's ball of the beautiful is brought to you by our friends at SquareSpace. I am planning an event right now. This is not a lie.

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Well do it it's great if someone else is driving. He had a great was it a class B Pardon me. He didn't have to get now. He didn't need another license. I know I if he did he didn't really Under 36 feet and under 26,000 pounds. You don't need a special license. Now. Tell me why do you want an RV? To experience freedom and not have to use hotels This was not freedom No, this was prison. This will make you want a hotel back bad. Yeah, who drove just you just me He doesn't have a license at all. I don't want that. I never get one. What's the point? Thank you I mean the point is that you could drive some of the time. It would help me out a lot

You're not selling it on Well, you were supposed to take the bus today and then I heard you say that you could drive some of the time. It would help me out a lot. See, you're not selling it on me. Well, you were supposed to take the bus today, and then I heard you say that you took an Uber. Yeah. She's always saying I get on the bus. You're not rebuking vehicles. You're not Irish. I don't have a thing against vehicles. It's me being behind the wheel.

Right. I think that's a great, I think that's an admirable virtue. No one's ever really asked me to do it. You can't even suck dick without biting. So like, what are we going to gonna let you on the freeway? Damn I don't care that I use teeth I almost People I feel like here though would that would be like a hit I've had guys people are very into like well I've had guys asked me to chomp chompy

Yeah, they said you it, bite it harder. This is in the bathroom at the Eagle. Shut the fuck up. Bite it like a dog bone. 100%. What's the worst hookup you ever had? How much time you got? What's the theme?

Biting. A biting, yeah. Or just like, not horrifying, but it was just like, that was just not worth my time. I mean, so many that your brain shreds the information. You're right, I think you're right. I don't even- Sometimes we leave the hookup,

you can feel your brain putting it through the shredder. Yeah, forget it. That hasn't happened. You know, for me though, it's always, it was back when I was doing the kind of hooker thing and drag and the third guy of the night was never a good one. It was always like, it was like, what are you doing mama?

That's where it ends. Three in a row. Did you come three times? No, I didn't come in all the whole night, but the third guy who would come over would inevitably be so drunk. Do you come and drag or is that like not affirming? Do you know what I mean?

If you're like pussy and you're feeling it, are you like, oh, don't do that? No. No, no. I just like to have them walk away with me still wanting them. You know what I mean? We want them wanting more. I think that's beautiful. And also then you're not in drag mopping your like you're not Yeah, because obviously the curlers would be my hair blowing on hot tea pointing at the door Yeah, I'd be so ready for them to leave. I had that third guy. He wanted me to do coke on his wiener It's also so would you see this on TV?

We five you watch casino or something. Someone did this me in Vancouver They wanted a line, but they got a bump If I can prove it right Get an STI from that No No. From someone snorting... I mean... Do they have an STI in their nose? It's just like not very... it's not a suitable surface to like your wasting drugs. Well, speak for yourself.

And what happens when they take out the razor and they're like... My dick is long, hard and flat. And flat. You do the trimix first and then your dick is horrible. And then you can pretty much take a Hortoria Hanzo sword and chop up the cocaine and no one gets hurt. Here we go. Oh wait.

Oh wait. I have a bad hookup story. Brief though. They left to go get try mix and they came back and ignored me. In my own home. What are you talking about? They ignored you? Threesome. But two of the guys, like, it started out fine. And then, like, they came back

and basically ignored me in my own home. Wow. Humiliating. Don't you think drugs are the harbinger of a bad hookup? Humiliating. Yeah, drugs are- People aren't really at their best sexually on drugs.

Like, that's kind of the harbinger of bad hookups. I mean, but drugs are not. But I mean, drugs don't make you rude. Yeah. I guess, but drugs are not but I mean like you rude. Yeah, I guess They just make best self is drunk. Some of the sex I've ever had I've been wasted. Yeah, I guess So I'll do anything Anything with wasted when did you become like Barry? Turn. I feel like you have more sex than most people.

Who him? Would you just describe yourself as ran through? I would. I would. Yeah, turned out. Turned out. I think that's the fantasy he's trying to perpetuate. No, I do a lot of things. I do a lot of things. I don't do them well.

But if you're drunk you don't remember that you did it bad. That's true. If you like my dick biting you're gonna love what don't remember that you did it bad. That's true. If you like my dick biting, you're gonna love what my ass does to you. Oh yeah, my anus has teeth. Are you married? Oh, I don't, are you open?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Did you want to come forward about the cheating on the pod? Yeah, actually, Michael, if you're watching this, I'm the one that gave you gonorrhea from the guy in Vancouver. I saw pictures from your beautiful wedding on the internet. Oh, thank you. Yeah. It was really something else. He's great.

Did you cry? I could not stop sobbing. Yeah. I could not. So he's really, I was in the vows, mama. He was in the vows. You were in the vows? Yeah. What did I say? I said, Oh, I said, I was sobbing, crying, and I was like, you know, this is so meaningful to tell all of these people, what did I say? Like, I thought I- All my friends and family.

Oh yeah, to tell you that I love you in front of all my friends and family and even Michael Henry. Yeah. It's fierce. Very. It was fun, yeah. Did you wear a dress or something?

I didn't. I looked like Nicole Kidman from the AMC commercials. I had a bedazzled, it was really cool. It was like powder blue. Do you guys like weddings? Do you have fun at weddings? No. I just went to one on Monday.

You don't like them? I just certainly don't. Love. Really? What did you not like about it? Everything. Have you ever officiated one? No.

Yes. Yeah? A fake one. Like on TV. Oh, work. Yeah. So no one. Oh. Like on TV. Okay, work. Yeah. So no. So no.

No, but I played an officiator. So that's something. Okay. No, I did. I did in England. So if you played a heart surgeon, would you say that you've done a heart surgery? If you could bag it?

Just a liar. It's close. It's at least adjacent. Yeah. I bet you've officiated. No, I was a performer once at a wedding. Oh, that's what I was, too. I was, I was the, one of the grooms was, it was gay, woke. And one of the grooms was a big fan.

And so the other groom surprised them with me. I came out and sang time after time with my guitar and told some jokes and they slow danced. But isn't it always interesting when you're the, the one groom is a huge fan, his family don't feature you and nor do with the, any other like person at that wedding. I love that. I won't be sitting like at the wedding and eating.

So I stayed away in a room alone, came out to my thing and left and it was okay, it was okay pay, but then I found out they were the heir to a certain huge company. I said, I should ask for more. Yes. Whatever they offer you, four times. Yeah, always. Weddings are expensive. Plus when you put wedding in front of anything.

Yeah, and if they're choosing a drag queen, that is the most frivolous expenditure. Right. You better just like ransack their chicken. Yeah. Well, you don't know if they're on a budget. Like there will be no wedding cake, but we do have, you know, Jasmine Masters here

Good do you don't smell that breath that shit in your mouth people's moms Chili's the restaurant. Love! Chili's the restaurant. Yeah. Okay. What was on the playlist? No, the country of Chili. We curated the playlist and we said, you were like, before we hire you, I know you're DJs like, don't get mad, but I was like, before we hire you, this is our wedding.

The music is like super important to us. We just can't have the Macarena. You know what I mean? I was like, We just can't have the Macarena. You know what I mean? I was like, I just don't want a straight guy. I was like, I don't want you playing like, get this party started. I was like, we're gonna play like fun.

Christina Milian? Of course. Dibbit Low? Of course. Yes. You're hitting all the hits with all the hits. He still had the cha cha slide. Read you wrote you.

It was, you know. It's actually read you wrote you. Oh, excuse my mouth. She is one of the publishers. I just learned this. Read you wrote you it was you know, it's actually read you wrote you I just learned this like literally like probably two months ago Yeah We told the DJ you don't these you have you have to play these songs and he deviated He's an ABBA for like the aunts and moms. Yeah, and for us when I've done private events, it really helps me There's one gal. I've done events for her and her team sends Basically a spotify list of play these exact songs. Do you like that or not?

For you because it's easy. They're gonna love this right? Yeah, you know what they like and also it gives you an indication of what else they might like That's the thing too. You get a vibe. Yeah Do you hate when people request though or people probably don't do that. They can do whatever they want, but that has nothing to do with me. Well, what did you think about Kathy Hilton, her whole debacle two seasons ago, what she called the DJ and old faggot for not playing her song. Well, I'm on her side. I think that a request is a request and And if you expect it to be honored, then it's not a request.

It's a demand. It's a demand. Yeah. And what you do is you also, even if you ask, you ask really nicely. But I would love it if Cathy Hilton called me an old faggot. Me too. You ask and then you say,

well, what about George Washington? You know what I mean? Like you bribe. George Washington would really love Mambo number five. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln would adore it if you played, you know what I mean? You've got to tip him. That is the vibe.

Whenever I'm requesting anything, when I was a waiter, I will never forget these like upper west side assholes came in from biking, stinking, smelling, and they were like, can you make the pancakes with strawberry pancake batter? I was like, what? Do you know where what's happening? I said no. I was like, this is, it was a wine bar. First of all, I was like, you're lucky we even have eggs. Like this is crazy. And they were like, oh, you don't have it. I think they have it at the bodega

down the street. Would you mind? I swear to God, that's like devil wears Prada. Like I want the new unreleased Harry Potter book. Yeah, bound for me. But really wanting a strawberry. You know what I feel like is that person needs to just march their stinky ass back home and make it themselves. That's what I wanted to say. You should put their time there. Well why don't you go to that bodega,

buy it and then go back to your flop house, you piece of shit. Yeah. I should have had you there with me. Now what's the horny airport food? Cause we have favorites. Chili, I'm all about chilies everywhere I go. I like to have consistent diarrhea, but I really do love it. I'm joking, but I love chilies.

What was your favorite, like if you two, three, top three favorite dishes of chilies? Cause I'm not- The skillet queso is fucking incredible. Okay. It's like really the, like some of the best you'll ever have. And it's good because wherever you go, there you are at a Chili's. Uh huh.

That's pretty much like It's always the same. I feel God in this Chili's tonight. Yeah. Yeah. I've never really been to a Chili's. What about Applebee's? Is it comparable? Love Applebee's.

I've got an Applebee's gift card in my jacket. Okay. What about TJ? TJ had Friday with all the flair. TJ had Friday? I worked there. Did you? Yeah, I worked there, got fired. I got hit by a car. TJ Friday. I worked there. Did you? Yeah, I worked there, got fired.

I got hit by a car on my way to work once there. I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity to the salad bar boy. No, I lost my virginity to the salad bar boy at Ruby Tuesday. Ruby Tuesday. You know, you guys are more high class than us. We love Duncan. Duncan.

At the airport. And we love, we like Starbucks. Starbucks, yeah. Starbucks, but also, Auntie's Prep. Oh, fuck that. We had it. We were on, was that flop airline, United. Fucking horrible, piece of shit airline.

They were, you know, and we have, we get the great fortune of traveling business class, usually. That meal. Usually. Yeah, sometimes. When are you flying coach, bitch? No, no, no, I was saying sometimes like,

no yeah, I haven't. I haven't. But you know, anyways. So the meal that they, I don't know, you didn't eat it because you're vegetarian. The meal that they brought out, it was a breakfast type of meal. It was the shittiest fucking thing

I've ever tried to eat in my life. It was the shittiest fucking thing I've ever tried to eat in my life. It was the shittiest fucking thing I've ever tried to eat in my life. More than an ass. You gotta be smarter than the plane. Sometimes you have to think like, all right, honestly on planes, the vegetarian meal is the move because they're not serving you chicken from two days ago. Yeah. You know, like vegetables can sit, not be weird.

Well, I fly Spirit and they give you a cup of noodles for $3.50. They do? That is shocking. That sounds better. It50. They do? That is shocking. That sounds better. It's actually a deal. That's shocking. I thought that was the airline that charged you to like, they hit you and then they charge you for it.

Exactly. They offer nothing. The pilot kicks you in the nuts. Yeah, like that'll be $18. And he's ugly. It's the whole thing. Real bummer. Well, she said the other day she was like, United?

United with what? Yeah, girl. Pst. Horrible. They really are all bad though. Well, she said the other day she was like united united with what yeah Horrible They really are all bad though zero I'd a time. No, they're not. Well, I don't know. I love spirit I'll defend Delta till the day I die. Yeah, also have best meal of my life on jet blue mint That breakfast fuck I mean I still think about it. Yeah. Yeah. I still think about it. Have you guys ever had heterosexual flight attendants? It's so off-putting.

It's so scary. It's bizarre. You know when it gives them, like, it gives them like movie, like a face-off or something. You know, like when they're- Do you know? When they're- Nicholas Cage?

Yes. When they're like pretending, there's something evil lurking underneath that. It's like white chicks or something. Yeah. It really does. It feels like, grandmother, what big eyes you have't trust white chicks or something. Yeah, it really does. Grandmother, what big eyes you have.

It's like so weird. Hello, fellow children. How are you doing? I know. Yeah, it's very suspicious. I don't believe it. I don't believe it either. There's something.

I didn't believe in Lady Pilots until recently. You didn't believe they existed. I've only seen a few in my life. I believe they existed, but I was like, David, my friend David was like, yeah, I see them all the time. I was like, you're full of shit. And then I really paid attention.

And then I noticed that there were quite a bit. Well, the Southwest flight where the woman got sucked out the window, that was with a female pilot. Was that when the baby? Was that when the kid's shirt got torn off? Yes. We talked about that.

That's the Boeing as a pedo. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. The Boeing ripped one shirt off one person and it was a kid. Thank you. Thank you. I smell a little. E-me-me-me-ni-me-ni-mo. Love that.

Pur-ville. Yeah. Everybody's a pedo. What do you think about the gays going in the bathroom on the plane and taking pictures of themselves for hours? Excuse me, what? Oh yeah, saw Twitter and such I saw someone who posted a shirtless photo of himself in the bathroom of the plane And he's like paying for my flight right now, baby Unless you're Jennifer Aniston on the Emirates flight taking a shower. I don't buy water Who's got the room also you're going in there usually like half-heart I'm like so what you're sitting next to someone's auntie fully chubbed weirdo weirdoo. Weirdo. I can't even fit in an airport bathroom. How are people doing it?

One time I was knocking on the door on this gay for the, I was like, I am about to piss my pants if you don't get out of there. And I know he was doing that. Lots of people tell me they like to jack off on planes. There's not enough time or space. There's a whole section of the internet that's videoed out.

I thought the Mile High Club was a fiction, a myth. I did hook up with someone on a plane one time. In the bathroom though? No. How? Blanket. If this is your husband, it doesn't count. I do think sometimes like,

I know cruising is an important part of gay history and it was thrust upon us because we had to secretly have sex. But I do think if you're cold, they're cold, bring them inside. We don't need to be having sex on the plane publicly anymore. Like go to bed, bitch. Suck dick with a flight attendant in the bathroom of the terminal like a normal person.

No, in that little lounge where they play jazz. Oh, what airports are you going to, girl? What is this delta left? No, no, no, like the little, you know those crazy big planes that have a little lounge where they play jazz? Oh, Emirates. Yeah. One time I was flying to Dubai, Dubai.

Dubai. Dubai. And there was an area of the plane I was flying to Dubai. Dubai. Dubai. And there was an area of the plane that was like a little nightclub. It's a little mixing, like a little watering hole. Me and Fina Barbatol sitting there being like, do we dance? Yeah, it's so bizarre.

What is Dubai like? Great for gay people. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Smoke at the airport. Oh. Great country for women. Yeah, really, really forward thinking. Drugs?

I don't think so, actually. Isn't it like a dry... The dry county. Dry county. Can I ask you? You guys are professional gay travelers now. All these places you've been, where is on the dream wish list if you get to go travel now next time? Russia.

We really want to go to Australia. Yes. We've never been. We want to go to Australia. Yes. We've never been. Never been to Australia. No. Okay. You'll love it. It is, for all the drama, we complain a lot.

Last time I was there I was like, this is amazing. It's also very accessible to like English speakers, obviously. It's like, it's, you know, you're flying around the world and everybody speaks English, it's wonderful. I really love the Real Housewives of Melbourne. And I just really want to meet them there. So that's my thing. This could be huge for you. This could be huge for him.

It could be major, major. And there's some really hot guys there. See, it sounds like. The hottest guys are Australian. Hello, did you see Steve Irwin's kid with the snake? What? I did see that. I did see that, yes.

He did a photo shoot. It is underwear with snakes and now he's on dancing with the stars. Wow. I did see a video of a pastor at one of those strict nine drinking and snake handle in churches. He got bit on the, on the head by a rattlesnake and bleeding everywhere. Had to go to the hospital. Oh, I think he died. They're not supposed to go to the hospital. Oh. Do you live? It's fierce. I think he died. They're not supposed to go to the hospital, right? They're not supposed to go to the hospital. They're supposed to stay bit,

and if you survive, then you're fierce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God loves you. God loves you, but if you die, you were sinful. You had a demon in you. But as he was getting like, as he was getting like, you know, carried out, people like,

like doing the speaking tongues at him. Are you supposed to get peed on? That's a jellyfish, babe. That's, oh yeah. That's a lot of jellyfish. Jellyfish, but why can't I? You're just always trying to get peed on? That's a jellyfish, babe. That's, oh yeah, that's a lot of jellyfish. But why can't I? You're just always trying to get peed on. That's a different thing. I would love to get peed on.

Michael's standing around while someone gets bit. I heard that you're supposed to get peed on. I don't know. If you don't want to get peed on, I could do it. Yeah, I don't know, I just did drink a gallon of water. Have you ever been peed on? It's my dream. Oh, yes No, buddy will do it you've never been peed on never been peed on

Mmm. I have I loved it. You can't find someone in LA to pee on you. It's hard This is my pitch. Thank you. This is my pitch to please be on me. You got a bladderful of piss I'm your girl. Yeah. Can I go back to the RV? What's the rose in the thorn of the RV life? vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, I know literally I thought I was truly so scared

that I was going to hit someone or something. It was, the thing is way too big. We drove through the streets of New Orleans and Michael kept being like, slow down. Oh, watch out for that over there. You're too far that over there. Shut the fuck up unless you want to drive. And I had already hit the garage at this point. I mean, when I, how could you not? They catch it on camera. It is when you watch me drive into this garage, you're going to be like, one, what a stupid bitch. It's hysterical because I literally like, I don't think you're supposed

to run right before that, I was like, the producer was like, turn the RV around, we gotta get to a different spot. I was like, okay. And I turned to Michael and I was like, I was like, you're never gonna see anything so smooth in your life. And then I run it directly into the garage.

Love that shit. And we have footage of it, literally from the outside hitting the garage. And it looks almost slow mo. It really does. It's slowly moving. It's so slow, but I just, you don't think about how high it hits the top.

Yeah. It knocks the top off. Clearance. But yeah, I remember Mr. God on the roof and screaming. And he's like, far, far. I was like, I am gonna kill myself with this shit. I was chilling. Yeah, you're having a great time.

I loved it. You're in the back painting your nails. Exactly. I don't know what you guys are doing. And you really don't need another license. You can just, anybody with a regular license can drive in America. Not in America.

Because class ARVs, which are the really big ones, you need a special license. Like the ones that Will Smith gets, like the trailers that extend. I want whatever he does. But class C, which is like when people have camper vans, Sprinter vans, you don't need one for that, obviously. Oh.

I know too much. What was the Rose for you? Rose? I mean, so much storage in an RV. A lot of snacks. A lot of snacks. Oh my God, I ate so many snacks. Well, I'm really proud of you guys for going out there and doing it.

What would you say is the, if you had to identify a city in the United States as the least gay-friendly, what would you say? Dallas, Texas. LA. Really? LA. West Hollywood. Dallas, Texas. LA. Really? LA.

West Hollywood. Yeah, L.A. So in Dallas, Texas, you couldn't go film in the park in Dallas, Texas, maybe. I don't know, I mean, homophobia wise, I guess, but it's more just like, those places, I used to have a mullet until like two days ago, those places when you're like, I don't know,

doing something. I say Florida, Pensentecostal Florida. Like there was some fun gay stuff there, but as a whole, I think that we were looked at as like a little bit like Martians. That's the catch-22 of Florida. Panama City Beach, mama. In some ways, Florida's so gay.

In some ways, it's so scary to be gay. I got trapped there during 4th of July at Panama City Beach for like four days straight. That was like a hell on earth. You guys been to PCB? No. Oh, it's rotten. It's where Alabamans go for spring break.

It is really disgusting. Same with Mississippi. Florida was like that. Florida, Alabama, sure. Yeah, just not a lot of brain cells or things going on there. Yeah. A lot of brown teeth.

But we met some blue angels. What's that? They are like pilots that are just showmen. Hot pilots, like military pilots. They do like the flight show. No, they're not doing it. Like Top Gun. Yes.

Cool. And there was hot. Hot, yes. Any ladies? No. So much pussy. No. Oh my God.

Check out Wish You Were Queer on OutTV starring the incomparable homosexuals to the left of me. May 22nd. And we're on tour. Come see us on tour. Okay you faggots. And I don't want to be corny either but listen in this America we're in right now, even if you're not interested in TV,

just turn on the channel and let it play. Thank you. The ratings are essential. Put it in the background. Yeah. Hate watch it. Yeah. Get limp to it. You need to turn on, need a boner break. Yeah. Too much try mix. Yeah. Watch Wish You Were Queer, May 22nd. You guys are like visual nasal spray. Yes, we are just like the... Afrin. Yeah.

Would you go on an RV tour with me? No. There you go. Bye. Bye. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to

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