The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Maria Bamford Can Bomb Anywhere, So Why Drive? with Trixie

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

Once upon a time in a magical far-off land, Trixie Mattel, the undisputed Royal Duchess of Drag, believed herself to be best friends with Maria Bamford, the realm's undeniable Queen of Comedy. Having followed her through every enchanted television program and neighborhood comedy special, the parasocial relationship grew and grew like a magical beanstalk. Although Trixie had adored her from afar for twenty years, the two had never met until fate summoned them to a mystical Burbank podcast studio, where together they feasted upon ceremonial donuts from Maria’s legendary 9:00am comedy court. And thus their imaginary friendship became real at last, proving that even the grandest fairy tales may come true, provided the castle is less than two miles from Maria's home. To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit: ⁠⁠https://Hims.com/BALD⁠ Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain by going to: https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD Don’t let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp! Sign up and get 10% off at: https://BetterHelp.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You need me Hello, my name is Alaska Thunderfuck And my new song, Revolution, is available now On all streaming platforms Revolution Revolution Hi, it's Trixie. You're going to notice that this is an episode

that was filmed several weeks ago when Katia was literally hospitalized. And I was like, who can we have as a guest? And we did not only luck out, we thrived, because Maria Bamford is the guest. If you guys know Maria, you are a brilliant mind with an impeccable taste. If you don't, your titties are about to be blown off. She's so funny. She's so incredible.

Like I said, Katia is actively in the hospital during this episode. So the reason I've seen kind of cagey about where she is is because I didn't want to spill her tea. Katia has survived since the taping of this. And we'll be back next week with our regular Trixie and Katia content. And for those of you concerned, we have been moving studios. This week, they are actively reconstructing our studio. This set, I know, is not everyone's most creative peak. But thank you guys for your patience.

And don't forget, we can look like shit anywhere. So stay tuned. So this is Maria Bamford. The audience is going to freak out. What? Or can you see them here? Do you see them? Is it live?

Okay. Do you see people here? I was like, I know. What is technology? Wow. So this is your way of telling us that you might see it. I have schizoaffective disorder, which is a good, it's a good diagnosis, and you just need the right meds.

Oh, my God. I just watched your special from, is it two years ago? Local. Yeah, a local act. Local act? Yeah. That one, where did you film that? It was an Altadena.

So that whole theater burnt down. And, yeah. Do you have an alibi? No. It was. And the fire was my fault, but it was more because of my vision board. Right. And that's my vision board.

How many people? That must have been like 40 people in there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Which is huge upgrade from your special with just your parents. Just my parents. Yeah. Yeah, I had a vision for that one where I was just like, oh, I just want to do something in my actual neighborhood.

And then also get a bunch of people on stage. Like, because at the end, I put up people as if it's an open mic so everyone gets their own special. Yeah. And then everyone got an executive producer credit who wanted one. because I think that's so fucking funny in L.A. where they'd be like, oh, he's an executive producer. Oh, who's that? Like, he's never been here.

I've never met him. Yeah. That does happen. Kachina had a show on Vicerland called Trixie and Kachia show on Vicerland. And I guess is Spike Jones the name producer? Not Spikely. Spike Lee. Spike Jones?

Spike Jones. That's like, who was Spikely martial arts? Who's Spikely? I'm not connected, Maria. No, no. Everybody I know is a fake name. No. Everyone was a drag queen.

A fake name. Okay. Black. Yeah. And who's Angley? I'm just kidding. No. But Rupal and Spike Jones were the producer of that show.

And it was like, we shot it in a set about this big with like five people. And that's when I learned that you could be a producer on something and. And to not even know it. Yeah. Yeah. You could win an Emmy and not know. No. No.

Yeah. I just think it's so funny. Yeah. So I had like 70 executive producers on the show on that one. Did they all come up and do like a 30 second bit? It was just anyone who signed up could be an executive producer. So some people didn't perform. But then some people, yeah, did perform at the end.

And then yeah. Anyways, that was, you know, it turned out as it turned out. I wish I had done some things differently. But it's okay. Thank you for watching or checking it out. Of course. I've seen everything you've ever done. Okay.

I have a question about when you used to make, was it called the Maria Bamford show? Did you tape that yourself? No. That was done by name Demon Jones who worked with the groundlings. I loved all your angles. It's like up the shot, up the neck, handstand, upside down. Yeah, he was really all that.

So it was all his doing. Yeah, yeah. He was a, let's just say it, genius or let's just say very good. Or interested in trying a lot of things with the camera. Tried a lot of things with the camera. Yeah, he was super nice. And yeah, we were paired together and paid by Super Deluxe, which at the time... I remember, girl, I have a Super Deluxe story that I don't think I've ever told.

Oh, great. And I will tell you because I feel... You know, whatever parisocial, but with a capital P, I think we've been friends in my mind for about two or three decades. No, and we all are. We all are. Especially if you've been, I mean, I feel like with other comedians,

I feel like there's this sense of knowing. Like we've all been through, I assume that drag, that it's this, you can go through awful things where, that you'll never forget. You'll just never forget.

And that they keep coming. Like there's always a new precipitous low where you're like, wow, I did not. see that, you know, happening. And then in some ways, I feel like veteran comedians are the only ones who will understand the deep humiliation of drag.

Like, really? Yeah. It's like, were you, that car ride home where you're like, should I jerk the wheel? Yeah. Is it my fault or the audience's fault? You go to bed. I don't know. My favorite thing is that audience was whatever.

And then in the sobering light of the morning, you go, that show was all my fault. Yeah. It's really, it's audience felt or my fault. but it's 100% or either given moment. It's, yeah. I don't, have you met anybody who does clowning, which is so hot?

Yes. Have you done this? I've taken a couple clown classes. I used to date a clown in Australia. I did know this. Yeah. So, um, did you know he was a clown?

Oh, yes. You knew. Very serious business. What tipped you off? Was it the little half early? Well, it was the part that he liked to do a lot of nudity on stage. Oh. Clowning is stand-up is with nudity.

crying and a considerable lack of consent. And yeah, he loved nudity and what else did he love? But one of the philosophies or the thing I've gotten from calling is that the audience is the show. So it's not on the performer. The performer, it's not up to you. You're the channel for the audience. I was like, oh, that's so fascinating because stand-up, it's more defensive.

Like, I've got to have the stuff and then you be quiet. It. Yeah. But yeah. So it's, I don't know where I'm going with that, but just. Oh, my God. I saw on your special you talked about. You had a lovely fan who perhaps was battling, had perhaps a disorder and you didn't know.

And you thought you were being heckled. Oh, yes. Kind of a fun thing to find out later, right? Oh, yes. What did you say exactly? I cannot remember. but was somebody laughing really loud? Somebody was like,

somebody was making sounds, I guess, and they were a fan. Yeah, cerebral palsy. Yeah, it's cerebral palsy. Yeah. And that's, that, I've heard that's a very common thing for comics of like, where somebody, or as Tourette's or something where you're like,

oh my God, what's happening and you act from a place of fear and defensiveness rather than just curiosity of like, what's going on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's weird.

Somebody just shouted out, bullshit. And at the end of the day, hey, they came to a live show. They came. Thanks. Thank you. They bought a ticket. Yeah. And isn't that why you go to live shows so you can see shit pop off?

Pop off, really. I feel that I feel like we're in this era of comedy that is so, two important parts of it, which is crowdwork in filming that crowd work, the audience. And that I feel like sometimes brings out what you do. just said, which is the audience is the show. But I know what you're saying because when I first started DJing, I really thought it was all about me and this technology in these songs. It literally is basically about the people dancing.

Yeah, the vibe. The vibe. Yeah, yeah. Your job is to really cue up the vibe, like tee them up. And then their experience is the whole thing. Right? Yeah, no, totally. And to radically accept wherever they're at.

You know, because sometimes I would go, I go, these people are quiet and it is, and it is personal. And it's like, no, let Irvine be Irvine. Right. Sometime Irvine on Wednesday night is a little tight tie. Right. Like tight tie. They've been at work all day. It's seven o'clock.

It might as well be midnight. Yeah. Do you do, when you do shows around town, do you do secret little pop-ups or do you advertise a lot and do little pop-ups? Yeah, no, no, no. I do 9 a.m. shows every Tuesday. that I'm in town in my neighborhood. It's less than, I think, six blocks from my own home. That's my ideal show.

I think that's one thing about getting older as you go, oh, I don't have to do certain things anymore that I know aren't going to work. I don't perform any more than two miles from my home unless it's for over a certain amount of money because I can bomb anywhere. So why drive? Why drive? Right. And in L.A.

traffic, right? It could be hours in the car. Oh, you want to come to West Hollywood and take your chances? No. Not really. I can take a block from here. Yeah. I have had some.

And something I know that you probably experienced too is the corporate gig life where you like, whoa, that will send you home in the car in almost like a fugue state. Oh, oh God. Like almost like a cloud of like surreal depersonalization. Yeah. And there's some, the gratitude in being so hard. harshly rejected by a certain form is is actually is really good because then you go okay now I don't have to do this like on some level like I remember I did Vegas a couple times back of the day when I was

a much much younger lady and sometimes you know when it used used to be no one to look at you up and it would just be your headshot you go oh she's blonde and white let's check it out right like what are you guys doing and I just do it's so important poorly, so awful. And yeah, but I did so poorly that it's like, oh, I don't have to go there anymore. Like, I'm hurting them. And it's definitely hurting me. So stop the madness. You know, there's some kind of nice boundary that sat with that, like corporate gigs like. No one walked away a winner. Yeah, no one. I was once, I got asked to, it was like a mental health convention. I'm like, I have a feeling this is not good.

Because the person who hires you, of course, is a huge fan. The people they're trying to get interested or entertained are not. You know, like if it's for I don't do benefits anymore for that reason because... Do a show. Do your own benefit. Yeah. Yeah. Or I'll just give me fucking money. That's a benefit. Yeah. I'll give you three grand. You know, if it's something I believe in, I will not give it to certain things.

Well, I know that some things you were like, I remember you talking about when you got to speak at a college back in Duluth, I believe, and you were talking about how they didn't want to give you money at first. I love this business story, and I feel like you need to educate the children on how to turn a no-paying gig into something. Well, sometimes you get these enormous opportunities, and this happens over and over again,

and I think it fits for every business, where someone's like, we really love what you would do and we'd love to be working with you. And there's this whole love bombing that goes on in the beginning, and you know, narcissistic in a situation. And then there's no talk of money. There's no talk of structure of what, what's going to happen.

What the ask is. What the ask is, yeah. And so my alma mater asked me, do you want to do a commencement speech for the College of Liberal Arts at the University of Minnesota, which is, you know, probably like, I'm going to see with like 2,000 for people, 2,000 people graduating. and in an arena for 30 minutes and that's something I'd have to write and they said zero they said just nothing and I was like I looked it up I'm like what do people get paid for to comments my speeches and then they said sometimes on the Google said sometimes zero if it's somebody who's a

political person because they're doing it as a public service but many people charge that you know It's 50,000 to 100,000 or whatever. So I asked for 20 grand. And yeah, I'm sure it was very Minnesotan. And the response was like, well, we really don't have a budget for this. And I'm like, the joke is like, I paid you guys to teach me how to get paid to do what I'm doing. Yeah. And you're not going to pay me?

Like so what are we talking about how are we grading my experience here? Yeah. If it means I can't go in the world and get the money. Yeah. If I if you're not willing to pay me if I'm not willing to stand up for myself and go. Oh yeah. My work's worth something. Aren't I kind of being the worst alumni ever?

Hello. So then they came back with 10. I was like okay. That's great. 10,000. Which isn't zero. Isn't zero. 10,000 is a far away from zero.

And then I didn't know what to write about for the speech. But so I just wrote about the process of getting the money. And then I always talk about that at colleges. I will tell them. I'm like, I love, I'm so happy to be here. Just so you guys know, your money's going to a good place. Because a lot of times, I mean, I get paid more sometimes at colleges than it cost

me to go to college. Right. So I'm like, oh my God, I should have skipped college and just done this. Yeah. Yeah. No offense to college because I do like education. Well, and Ily, I enjoyed college. I did too.

They probably enjoyed you. They brought you back. Well, what would happen. happened. Then as the end of my speech, the closer was I gave all the money away to kids in the audience to pay down their student loans. Yes, nice. But I have not been asked to do any other commencement speeches since then. It could happen. No, I don't think so. I'm not, yeah. Maybe a high school. Maybe. Maybe. I'm going to go to a high school on and I'm going to start whipping MacBook pros into the audience or something. I don't like something. I went to a function once where they

were honoring some graduating class. It was some kind of like Hollywood Reporter Lunch and they were honoring like a graduating class and like I think it was Selena Gomez came out and gifted them all like laptops and then she cried oh and I didn't cry I wasn't drag eating a salad and I was like this is cool I mean I would have loved a free computer if I was a kid oh my god oh my god I'd love one now yeah I'd be screaming screaming I'm running into the parking lot you know why I also think we know each other because I'm your neighbor from Wisconsin Where in Wisconsin are you from? I'm from northeast Wisconsin.

It's almost like by the UP. Okay. Oh, I've drowned further. I have not spent much time of my life in, what is it, Western Wisconsin, which is next to Minnesota. Yes, superior. People think Milwaukee is in Minnesota. Why do you think that is?

Because those people are not smart. Way to make it feel like a real flyover country. Yeah, that's not right. Who are these people we are talking to? People, they think that Minnesota is Minneapolis. which is Milwaukee. I think they think that's all one word. Yeah.

It's not right. It's not right. I mean, what can you do to change people? Nothing. Nothing. My assistant is from Milwaukee too, and we always say, the Midwest is a great place to be from. Do you like to go home and fill the fantasy?

Oh, I love it. And I love, I have thought many times of, you know, moving back, just because it's like you go, oh, you know, I love L.A., but there is the grind. because it surrounds you. Like all my friends are somewhere on the edge of unhousedness on some level. Like all my friends like are like,

I got rent again. Okay, now we just gotta start at zero. Like it is fucking serious to live here. Like it is- Katia. Yeah, yeah. So Katia. She's constantly on this pod being like, well, I'm in dire straits again.

I had to re-wall paper the bathroom. Yeah, yes. Guess I'm gonna have to get in drag. She loves. She loves to rent an apartment and move that bus, make it over, and then doesn't own it and like moves. I don't know what she's doing. No, no. And like, and yeah, and it's, it is this strange place where it's like there's these fantasy goals of like people where things genuinely do happen for people where I mean, like I did have certain dream coming through where I was able to buy a house, which is unbelievable in, in L.A.

Especially in L.A. I mean, come on. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by Hymns. The moment you notice something's off in the bedroom, it tends to stick with you. For me, Detective Richard Pound, it started on a Tuesday night under a ceiling fan that spun like it knew too much. The room was quiet. Too quiet.

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Squatisbatchi. It was your house and Lady Dynamite. Was it your real house? No, no, no. I guess it's your amazing performance that I believed it was your house? Yes. It was my performance that led to your belief. Well, do you know that reality star is not like I've heard that the Kardashian people

have a house they move into while filming. That's not their house. I bet. What kind of reality is that? Well, it makes sense because otherwise if you have people watch, watching the show who are obsessed. I would think they would know, yeah. The housewives get robbed.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you're like, we're on TV being like, this is my shoe closet. And someone's at home like, huh? Like backdoor window, great. Yeah. Oh, she works during the day. Perfect.

Right. You're kind of giving people instructions on how rob you. Yeah. We don't want that to happen to you. No, no. I don't want. Yeah, I don't know. I don't have anything to rob.

There's nothing. They could take Scott. Well, we're divorced. Oh, okay. Perfect. Well. And I also heard. Anybody out there who's looking for a hot guy and a

60s he's he's available he's up there and all to do he's up in our old house uh we were in the fires so our house got slightly singed and then there was also saved by trump supporters uh garden hoses and super so that's the only guns i support right the water guns the right to bear arms the water guns but uh yeah we we will love each other and our dear friends and all that stuff but uh that's what i i feel that way um people always think i'm crazy because I always say if I died tomorrow, everybody I've been in a relationship with would be in like the front row. Yes. I just really feel like the then diagram of the things I love about you is still so intact.

Yes. And the romance part, people just, I never relate when people are like, my ex I don't speak to, et cetera. I just have a, I hope it's healthy, but I always feel connected to them. Well, and it's like. Like a sibling. You become like a sibling. Yeah. And it's family at a certain point.

You know, like after, I mean, we've been, we were together 11 years. It's, and you know, you know the person on day two of dating them. You know them. You kind of get the sense of who they are. And I think both of us made the mistake of thinking, you know, I'm going to change you. And then instead we both doubled down. Oh, good. Kind of has a different outcome.

Because he's from Philadelphia, and I'm from Minnesota, which are just two very different cultures. He's like, you got to, you know, toughen up and figure out that, you know, give a finger to people, you know, while you're driving a car. And I'm like, no, everyone's our friend. Are you kidding? I'm afraid to even look at other drivers. Oh, I know. Yeah. I'm afraid to look at other drivers.

I was driving yesterday and I had makeup on because I was going to a rehearsal. Girl, I had to do it. we had to do a rehearsal where I had to wear costumes and the wigs. And for me wearing the wigs with the costume with the body on with no makeup is so humiliating. So I was like, I know I'm sound crazy, but I'm going to put makeup on to go to the rehearsal because I don't know. So I'm driving with just the makeup on. Which is like a Chinese opera. Uber driver.

And I feel cars kind of like, I'm not, I don't know if they're looking, but I can tell you I'm not looking back. So I'm just like. Because I can feel, you know, from the side that the makeup is so. Pinocchio. It's serious. Yeah. Yeah. They are probably going to.

It's beautifully done, may I say. Do you do your own glam? Oh, yes. You do? I know I'm not. You are. You're such, you're so beautiful. And I loved, I think it was like two specials ago.

You had like a pink streak in your hair. Yes. Did you do that for fun? Yes, of course. Love whimsy. Okay. Was it clipped or was it real? No, it's real.

That's great. And I, yeah. I, um, yeah. I don't, as I old, I'm just, I'm aging natural. As I old. I'm, I'm just rolling into it. Like, I'm not doing any of the, any of the injections are the, just because I just think I, if it's going to be hard to age anyways, let's just go, you know, balls to the wall right into it.

Like, do you know, Kristen Shaw? I don't, I know her from work. She came on the pot and she said, I'm just, she said, I'm just naturally letting my face hit my collarbones. And that, like, killed us. Absolutely killed us. I don't know. I really like the, I always asked comics when they do special stuff. I always wonder if there's a glam team or if there's a lot of fussing.

And I'm just thinking of, I've seen all your specials and you've had so many hair journeys. You used to have like a short, really blonde, like news hair. Yeah, news hair. Kind of fun. Yeah, no. Listen. Sassy and wild. Listen, I'm ready to try anything.

And yeah, there's somehow. I get, because of OCD, I'll get this feeling that I'm dirty and unattractive no matter what I do. And so that's, hair is part of that where I go, I'll change it with my hair and I won't feel dirty. I won't feel wrong. Right. And I was going to, I shaved my head and I was bald for probably three years. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How did I got no this? Yeah. This really is the bald and the beautiful. It's, yeah, I know. I was so glad because I was like, oh my gosh. Was it for fashion or was it?

It was when I was starting doing comedy in Minneapolis, I was in 20, 22, and I, yeah, I was going through a treatment program for eating disorder and depression and all that stuff. And I was just like, I just felt like I just wanted to cut it all off, get it all off. Personally, too, because being bald as a woman really is a protective device. Yeah. Like, nobody bugs you. Like, they either think you're gay, you're eating. you're ill or you're pissed and you really are maybe all three all three we're not both i do think

it communicates a certain amount of um i think if you ultimately i'm trying to i mean i've never been a woman that i bet i play one on tv i don't know about that but i think if i really wanted men to leave me the fuck alone on public transit i would think a shaved head maybe adds just another shell of like yeah another percent of people might not fucking stare at you or bother you It was so helpful. Like I, because what happens in stand up, I think in the beginning is,

and I know what still happens, where guys will kind of go, you know, I had a couple of ideas for you. I wanted to comment on your act. You know, when you start and it's like, yeah, bald.

Yeah, nobody comes up to you. I'm going to shut that down. I'm bald. And I'm about to go up there and do my thing. So, dude, were you doing stand up bald? Oh,

yeah. Love. And I have, there's pictures of it on, Instagram of me in my bald state and I had head shots. I was very beautiful as a bald person. And I also busked for for change on the streets of Minneapolis while playing violin, wild bald. I think it did I didn't look good because sometimes I got pretty good big donations for people like, is everything okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm living in a women's co-op.

No, I believe it. I always see that every time Katya comes out of rehab, her booking fee doubles. Like really, it's like people are like, take all the time you need. You know what? We're going to send a little more money. Don't even come to the show. Yeah. Just sit up.

Do you want to borrow my peacock subscription? You know, like people. Oh, is she on a journey of recovery sort of thing? She right now had she was, she just got out of the hospital from a surgery. Oh, shit. But as you know, recovery, not a straight line. Yes. Yes.

So we joke because she and I live it together. No, of course. You know, we're all on a, on a fantastic journey. I tour with my dear friend Jackie Hacian, who is from South Milwaukee. Yes, I do know that she's open for, we're not open for you. She's toured with you for forever. Forever. Well, she is a ride or die.

She is when I started touring, you know, I was put as a headliner and did not have any headline experience. I did not have, I had maybe 25 minutes. Just, you had a head shave experience. Yeah, I had headshot experience where I was like, Oh, I look I look cute. Anybody want me in a mall improv? And yes. So what's with the comedy clubs in the malls?

Oh, it's so gross. I have been to those and I'm like, when you see fans like lined up next to the Orange Julius and you're like, we're in the mall, we're doing shows in the mall. I guess it's fine. It's totally fine. I'm grateful that the clubs are there. what I have some terrible memories of what happened,

like my first five to 10 years of doing stand-up where I was doing those shows. And because there was pre-internet, people didn't know what they're coming to see. So I would do so badly. And that's where heckling comes in, where people are like, I have two drinks in. And now I'm trapped here for 45 minutes.

So my friend Jackie would tour with me if I was doing really badly during the week, she'd switch places and she'd have mine. Because she's so powerful and an incredible stand-up. Please check out her special. It's on YouTube called Altrication. It just got one of the top five New York Times specials of the year. She's fantastic. And a lot of South Milwaukee talk.

I do think there's a lot of partnership because Katty and I, when we were together, when you have that level of trust and like interior eye communication, she and I would always joke that it was kind of like the substance that only one of us could be like into the show that night at once. So we'd have to kind of walk in the read the room and pick which one of us was going to be like, come on, girl, we got this because one of us would be like, walk up and be like, I need you to like, I need to leave the ship tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to drag me with you. I'm the dead weight today. And we would kind of trade off. But honestly, we would rarely have, it's a little bit like a relationship where when there's crisis, when one of you's in crisis, the other one becomes Superman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. If one of us was like, today's just not the day for the show, the other one would be like, girl, we're going to go out there, girl, and we're going to give them what they want. You know, you have to like. Jackie was with me in Erie, Pennsylvania, and I was headlining, and the main part of the audience was retirement from the Navy of an old man in his 60s.

I don't know what's going on. Anyways, I do so poorly. I get off the stage. Tears just starts streaming down my face. And Jackie's like, get her some chicken wings. Get her some chicken wings. Get her the chicken tending. She needs the chicken tending.

Although shout out to the Comedy Club food one time. Right. I used to work at hamburger mary's and there was nothing like having a kind of good show and making a little money and be like, let's go for those Southwest egg rolls. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Get me the Britney Spears fried pickles. Bring them in here.

You know what I mean? Bring me a little ramekin of ranch or whatever. You know, like, let's do it. I had recently in San Diego at a place called the mic drop. What were they called? They were called French dip nachos. Like, like, why? Why are we combining everything? Stop ruining it. But also delicious. I'm not against it. I did. Last night I went to this place called La Vita Cantina, which is across in the Scientology Celebrity Center. It's next to UCB over in Franklin Village. Okay, okay. And they have a taco that is Korean popcorn,

vegan Korean popcorn chicken in the form of a taco. And I was like, we're doing too much. Too crazy. It was amazing. It was amazing. So sometimes I'm just such a, I'm a food fearful person. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because all my meals growing up were made by like my mom and the school cafeteria lady. Yeah. I'm not like a traveled palate. I love the school cafeteria food. I still think about that. Think about it. Yeah.

I think about the pizza. The rectangle of pizza. Huge pizza. Yeah. A pizza this big. Yeah. So good. I also think about, I think about the breakfast.

Our school had breakfast. Oh, you did? Yeah. And we were forcing at free breakfast. Nice. French toastics. Oh. In the morning.

That's nice. You think my mother was going to make me those? No. She's like the milks in the fridge. How? I tried to tell my mom how to make grilled cheese the way the lunch ladies told me to make it. I was like, here, mom, you get this thing called Crisco. You get white bread, you get velvita cheese, you put, you know, Crisco on all sides, you put it in a pan.

And my mom's like, honey, I'm not going to make that for you. That's gross. And I was like, anyways, but, you know, there's a reason lunch, you know, it's so good. Yeah. It's so good is because it's not really food. When July arrives, we as humans can finally live up to our full potential as sun-dazed creatures who say things like, let's go kayak on the open ocean, or I can absolutely pull off a straw hat and a floral shirt. This summer I'm dreaming about a getaway to Traverse City, Michigan,

where I found a beautiful home in Lake Michigan that I booked with Airbnb, the perfect headquarters for Peak Lake-based summer whimsy. I want to wake up slowly, make coffee in a real kitchen, then head out for cherry pastries, pumpkin pancakes, and a heroic afternoon of pretending I actually know how to kayak. After that, maybe we can drive out to sleeping bear due, climb an enormous sandy hill and then stare out at Lake Michigan like we're in a fancy shampoo commercial. Then, in honor of the season, we reward ourselves with ice cream.

That is what the height of summer does to me. It makes every trip feel less like a vacation and more like a golden little movie where everyone is slightly sunburned and deeply committed to snacks. All with a home base that feels like somewhere you can actually settle in. That is why I love booking stays on Airbnb. I want a living room where everyone can collapse after a day in the water, a kitchen for late night sandwiches and lazy breakfasts, and enough space to feel like we are living our best summer lives, and if I'm traveling

with friends, even better. We can stay together, eat dinner together, and play car games badly. And maybe that one great trip becomes three great trips. Maybe it's Traverse City now, the Outer Banks next, or a long weekend in Bar Harbor after that, eating lobster rolls and becoming emotionally attached to a lighthouse. However summer unfolds, it just feels more personal when you book through Airbnb. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. There is a very specific moment in early June when Canada collectively remembers it can go outdoors again. The parks come alive, the lake starts sparkling, and everyone begins to act like they've just been introduced to sunshine for the very first time. Suddenly I'm entering my

summer travel chapter and I need a charming home on Airbnb, a soft place to land, and preferably a porch where I can sit with a nice coffee and look thoughtfully at a large, tree. A huge tree. This June, I'm taking a few days in St. John's, Newfoundland, where the houses look like they were painted by very cheerful wizards, and the ocean is just sitting there like a melodramatic, gorgeous thingwob, totally for free. I want to climb Signal Hill, eat fish and chips near the harbor, walk around in a light jacket pretending I'm a lead character in a Canadian coastal novel that mostly is just a hot seaside romance. And the best part is while I'm having my ceremonial first taste of summer, my home does not have to sit empty, like a sad little diorama.

Hosting on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off exploring, hiking, eating, napping, or buying that exceptional hat you'll never wear again. That extra income could help cover the next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just some extra gas money for a road trip. So this June, while you're planning your own great Canadian escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Someone else gets a wonderful place to stay, and you get a little help making your summer adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca.

When July arrives, we as humans can finally live up to our full potential as sun-dazed creatures who say things like, let's go kayak on the open ocean, or I can absolutely pull off a straw hat and a floral shirt. This summer, I'm dreaming about a getaway to Traverse City, Michigan, where I found a beautiful home in Lake Michigan that I booked with Airbnb, the perfect headquarters for Peak Lake-based Summer Wimsy. I want to wake up slowly, make coffee in a real kitchen,

then head out for cherry pastries, pumpkin pancakes, and a heroic afternoon of pretending I actually know how to kayak. After that, maybe we can drive out to sleeping bare dunes, climb an enormous sandy hill, and then stare out at Lake Michigan like we're in a fancy shampoo commercial. Then, in honor of the season, we reward ourselves with ice cream. That is what the height of summer does to me. It makes every trip feel less like a vacation and more like a golden little movie where everyone is slightly sunburned and deeply committed to snacks.

All with a home base that feels like somewhere you can actually settle in. That is why I love booking stays on Airbnb. I want a living room where everyone can collapse after a day in the water, a kitchen for late night sandwiches and lazy breakfasts, and enough space to feel like we are living our best summer lives. And if I'm traveling with friends, even better. We can stay together, eat dinner together, and play together and play together. dinner together and play car games badly. And maybe that one great trip becomes three great trips.

Maybe it's Traverse City now, the Outer Banks next, or a long weekend in Bar Harbor after that, eating lobster rolls and becoming emotionally attached to a lighthouse. However, summer unfolds, it just feels more personal when you book through Airbnb. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. There is a very specific moment in early June when Canada collectively remembers it can go outdoors again. The parks come alive, the lake starts sparkling, and everyone begins to act like they've just been introduced to sunshine for the very first time. Suddenly I'm entering my summer travel chapter and I need a charming home on Airbnb, a soft place to land, and preferably a porch where I can sit with a nice coffee and look thoughtfully

at a large tree. A huge tree. This June, I'm taking a few days in St. John's, Newfoundland, where the houses look like they were painted by very cheerful wizards and the ocean is just a little. sitting there like a melodramatic, gorgeous thingwob, totally for free. I want to climb Signal Hill, eat fish and chips near the harbor, walk around in a light jacket pretending I'm a lead character in a Canadian coastal novel that mostly is just a hot seaside romance.

And the best part is while I'm having my ceremonial first taste of summer, my home does not have to sit empty like a sad little diorama. Hosting on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off exploring, hiking, eating, napping, or buying that exceptional hat you'll never wear again. That extra income could help cover the next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just some extra gas money for a road trip. So this June, while you're planning your own great Canadian escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Someone else gets a wonderful place to stay, and you get a little help making your summer adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much

at Airbnb.ca slash host. I have a question because, you know, I've been following you for so long, and I'm such a mega super fan and supporter and lover. You know all people, you know Chapel Row and the artist? Yes.

People call her, she used to say, I'm your favorite artist, favorite artist. And it reminded me of something that Colbert has said about you and so many comedians have said that Maria's

comedian's favorite comedian. I know that's like crazy flattering. Yes, so kind. I don't want to dump it on you like a dump truck. No, that's very kind. But how nice? So nice.

So nice. And I, it's my level of whatever it is of success or I am just, oh, hits the spot. That's all I want. I don't. Katja feels the same way. She always talks about how she's like, I get to have the experience of like having fans or traveling. She's like, but I can still like go to the airport.

Yeah. And the people who know you, know you for a specific thing. like that's actually quite vulnerable. Yes. So that the people come up and talk to you are very nice. You know, nice. It isn't sort of like, I know you from this one child. I got it.

You know, it's like, because I remember I did Target commercials and it was just like, oh, no, I don't want all these people to like me. But it's not like, but I will say this. It's not like, okay, let's say you're in like a Batman movie. Right. Someone might love Robert Pattinson. What they really love is Batman. Not the middle of Robert Pattinson.

No. But it's not like people were like, oh, I hate to bother you. Love Target. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not like you were in a Marvel franchise. It's like love Target. The deals.

Oh my God, the impulse aisle. But what? It was weird because it had so much emotional weight behind it because people would be like, I shop just like her. And I'm like, oh, no, she's sad. It's a super miserable character that has. There's no friends if you notice. And who is she buying gifts for? It's never mentioned who she's buying gifts for because there's

no one in her life. Did you feel seen by Kristen Week's Target Lady? Oh. She probably gets that experience. Yeah. Totally. Totally. Yeah.

And I, but that's, I, I haven't been able to, nor have I been asked, but to do advertisements because I don't trust myself to not shit talk products. Right. Well, oh my God. That's like, you know, I literally watched worst cooks for you. Oh, stop. You got me turning on shows that I didn't even know existed. There, well, and that.

The name says what it is. It is. And it was, yeah, it was very. Latoya. And of course she's going to win. That fucking, she is just a monster. I mean, there's, you know, people say what you say about child abuse, but it really. Creates a great chef.

People hit their marks, you know? Right. I mean, that woman was on point. She was like, she looks like she has the body of an 11. year old girl. Right. And then just stayed, you know, upright, making jokes, being pleasant all day while eating pieces of candy.

And that's all she was running on. That's aspirational. Yeah. I was just like, I in a, yeah, in a definite, whatever shadow of, of, of Miss Jackson, I was beneath a table lying down between takes. I can I tell you everything I love to cook anything about cooking a camera for me would make me feel like the tension is up here even if I am cooking a grilled cheese from the I don't like I don't even like if I'm making a new recipe I don't even like my boyfriend to be around like I will mess this up don't look at me well what was so fucked up about worst cooks a show nobody watches is that people were really trying they were really cooking so like people People were really hustling and doing a great job at cooking. I'm like, no, isn't this supposed to be hilarious?

It looks hard. No, no, no. It's like we're all working in a cook. I mean, I've worked in restaurants. It was, it was like a 12-hour shift. What they don't tell you is there's a dining room next door. They sell them that food. And that's the worst part.

You've been working at the... You cannot take your food home. The shit that you made, I said, can I bring this home to my hotel room so I could share it with my husband? They said, no, you can't let it. We can't let that offset. Why? I don't know.

Of course, I did bring it home. I shoved it in my coat. And I said, never mind. And I ran out of there. You made it. Who's in control of its destiny, but you, you made it. I think it's just like some, I mean, yeah, it was one of those bananas show business things. We're like, no, we can't.

You can't speak of what happens on set. Like, nobody cares. It was in 20%, I think. It was in your own, your specials. Yes, yeah, yeah. I appreciate your. explicitness about that because it is a show where that when I watched it, I was like, this must be bananas.

Well, and it's non-union. So they, there's no one thing, which I didn't realize they weren't going to give you an eight-hour turnaround between, so you do like a 13, 14-hour day and then they go, you're coming back in four hours. That was like, I mean, that's like drag race. Yeah. I'm not saying they're not respectful of our time, but they are trying to do so much one day. And I think there's a level of like going to bed at like midnight from a set and being like,

all right, the band's coming at seven. You're like, what? No, no, no. I think that's, that is a, well, it's all it's the alcoholic part I think of show business where it's like, you know, you got to be, you know, that's how it's always been done. And it's like people die because of that. People who are who are not getting enough sleep, who are, you know, mentally, you're not totally there. It's like one of the worst things to do for your mental health, your body, health, everything. It's so corny. The amount of time it took in my life to realize that if you don't have eight hours of sleep, you have nothing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, yeah, I did make it. If I ever were in, well, and I was in charge of my own show, but I, I couldn't seem to get, I couldn't seem to get any. attraction on I the one thing I was able to I got a 12 hour turnaround um for myself but but not for not for anybody else and uh yeah that was two seasons right two seasons yeah I love that program yeah yeah Katty and I watched it when it came out obviously because we love you and I really was like I'd never seen anything like it and still haven't oh yeah this go yeah so bizarre Collins

I love oh she's I mean yeah she's incredible she's um Yeah, and such a kind, lovely person. Yeah, everyone who was on there was just so sweet and so kind, and they made it really, I mean, they did the best that they could to try to make, because I have, I sleep like 12 hours. Like I sleep out because I'm on antipsychotics. And if you are on antipsychotics, you know, that you can't wake up before 10 a.m., you know. And so what they would do is, you know, I'd just kind of roll out of bed and be brought to set. And then I'd wake up a little bit.

while acting. And then... Can we do my scenes where I'm in bed? Yeah. Sleeping early. And they set up a tent where I could go in between takes

and just fall... Like de-pressure. Yeah. We'll genuinely fall completely asleep. That's great. In between takes. And yeah, but they have the same pressure thing,

which I just think, I know it's all about money, but it all seems like to be a made-up pressure. Like, I don't know. Yeah. that when you're young, you mutually feel. Like, I mean, I'm 36.

But when I first moved out like 10 years ago, like anything like that, so much of it for me was genuinely powered by like adrenaline and like not wanting to let anybody down and all that. And then you do reach a point where you just start to shuffle your priorities and go like, if I don't say that that's too much for me, no one else is going to say it. And I also can't sit there and blame people who make money off for me. You can't blame people who make money off you for how they. schedule you. Yeah, no, no, no. It is up to you. It's up to me. Like I am the head of my own business. And yeah, no, it's no one else is to blame except myself. And yeah, so I, I definitely have learned, learned that. To do the 9 a.m. stand-up shows. Yeah. I love it. 9 a.m. is so perfect. I have the show done. And I give out free, well, I give out donuts. And they're not really free because people have to pay to get to get into

the show. Although no one is turned away. It sounds like you work in a donut shop. I do. kind of work at a donut. Okay. There's no jokes and you mostly just make coffee and sell donuts. I sell donuts. And it's, you know, it's what I do with the rest of my family. Yeah, so, but yeah, like I get to design my own business and how it works. And sometimes that means I miss out on stuff.

Like I go, God, I wish I wish I had the strength to do, you know, yeah, right, direct produce my own series. I mean, yeah, I don't, don't have it. I really, I think that there's also like peace in acceptance of like, um, I have like an autoimmune arthritis and when that started I had to just go like, well, either can like try to do what I used to do and be constantly disappointed that I can't do what I used to do or I can try to really like be a little bit radical and like, this is what I can do.

Yeah. And then it becomes about quality over quantity. Yes. Yeah. I do think you find yourself out of necessity really dumping yourself into things that like you you really want. Yes. Or pay the best or both.

Both. Both. Yeah. That it has to. And yeah. Yep. Is it going to be fun? Is it going to fulfill me?

Is it going to be good money? Ideally all three. Ideally all three. And, and I mean, I'm always willing to do. something else for a living too for myself like i go if it came down to like i you know i couldn't do what i i enjoy doing like i have other skills you know i've trained to be a nine eight eight uh operator uh to the suicide hotline yeah yeah so um yeah i your fans are going to start calling right get you is this maria no click who dis

Although sometimes I bet they have fake names. And I only think that because in the movie Scream 3, Nev Campbell, Sydney, have you ever watched a screen movie? I have not. It's too scary. That's how they get you. And they don't tell you that in the name, Scream. You think it's about Scream for Joy. It's a fear.

It's a fear experience. She works on a Wimis Crisis line remote and she has a fake name. And I always think you probably do have a fake name if you work those lines. Oh, yeah, yeah. For anonymous reasons, right? Because when someone's like, is this Gerald? You know, like, yeah. Most of people aren't curious.

They don't even need to know your name. They just wanna talk to somebody and a lot of times people don't even, aren't even in a state of suicidality. They're just sort of like wanna talk, wanna talk. They're stuck in chat. Yeah, no, or not stuck in traffic, but like some shit's happening or, and you know, yeah, something, somebody, there's been a breakup

and they just feel depressed and yeah, and just want somebody to listen, you know, So I could do that for $25 an hour. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Maybe you could transition to something. I know you're obsessed with dogs. We have a dog in the studio today and I almost saw you throw yourself to the floor with the dog.

I did. I threw myself to the floor. Now the dog had great boundaries, which corkies are like that. They say, yeah, I'm okay. I lived with a corgi at one point. Scout. Shout out to Scout, who I'm sure has crossed the rainbow bridge. Right?

scout would pee on my bed occasionally where I lived and that's kind of more power to her you know that's what was her kink and good morning good morning but yeah no I do love doggies and maybe you can get you in some kind of if you ever want to quit comedy maybe you could do some kind of um dog rescuing dog rescuing kind of emotional draining yeah dog rescue people I I also I've I've been with a dog who's been needs training. Like I had a dog for about a week and a half that bit 11 people during that week. And I, the- Just in a week?

Yeah, just in a week. And the people from the rescue, they were like, hey, here's what you do. You know, just what, you're the alpha. So you need to react. And I'm like, yeah, I can't. This is me. You're the alpha. I'm the problem.

I know that it's me. Right. But I am never going to have that sense that animals or kids or people need that everything's going to be okay. Like I just, that is not my vibe at all. You can offer a lot, but maybe not that. Not that. Not that. So I gave Parsonip back to the, her rescue organization just because I was just like, she, she drew blood on a couple of people.

That's, I mean, it's. She found another home. I'm a big. Do you like birds? I do love birds. I love birds. I'm, right now I'm stuck in it between either rescuing a bird or getting a hatched bird. And there's pros and cons to both.

Of course, you want to rescue birds live for decades. You're like, I want to be part of the solution. Yeah. Yeah. Birds, when they have long emotional lives like that can have like emotional problems and behavioral problems. You ever know who they lived with or what happened. Yeah, what was said. And you want to be something, you're like an angel in a forever home, but you don't know.

No, you don't want to make a nightmare. A lot like people. It's not like people. Yes. Oh, my God. It's exactly like people. It's exactly like people. Well, yeah, somebody.

All of a sudden they live in your house and you're like, oh, this is what happened to you. It's all coming into focus. We had, we did affordable housing. We decided to open our home to two comedians who are lovely people. Unfortunately, we realized as a part of them living in our home that they were in a different part of life. Like they were still like they're party girls. Partiers. They're partiers.

And you were never like even much of a drinker really, right? No, no, I was bulimic. I kept all my business on the inside. And also, you cannot be drinking on, I don't mean this is a joke. You can't be drinking on an empty stomach. I don't think you can be drinking on a bulimic stomach. No, no. And that, I mean, probably would have been a great idea.

You will get sick. Yeah. And I just said, yeah, I didn't, for some reason, it never appealed to me, booze. When I hit 45, then I was like, you know what? I think I will get my cocktail. on and um apaltini apple tini's um but it makes you feel fancy yeah it's not good with my meds because it's like it's just a direct uh like oh this yeah i'm gonna feel terrible the next day and if you already have issues with like if your med side effects or anything like drowsiness yeah

the alcohol is like trampled down yeah like it's bad you're fighting to stay awake at the apple bees at the happy hour yeah oh when i got when i got out of the hospital my friends were just like like, Maria, what? I'd have my head first until like a pizza. Like, yeah, wake up, girl. Because you are food motivated a little bit, right? I love food. Absolutely.

And I'm not a foodie in that. I'm a friend. It's not about quality. It's not about quality. I could give a shit. Like, oh my God. That's like Katia. You got that at the dollar store?

I mean, what's the date on that shit? Like, let's, yeah, I'll try some CBD meat. Katia is berry food made a bit. I love snacks, but my dressing room, like my rider, you know, what do they call the writer? Oh, yeah. It's like, for me, it's harm reduction because it's like, I'm going to eat. Right. So we have to try to have the low sugar candy or the fruit or the nuts, whatever.

Katia? Grocery store cookies, milkshakes, candy. I've been on set with her where she's like, can a PA go down to the 7-Eleven and get me three twigs? She lives large. She doesn't wait for tomorrow. She did just have part of her. She just had a surgery. So maybe don't eat exactly like her.

But I'm just saying sometimes the snack food that you know isn't great is just what gets. Do you like Taco Bell? No. I have some dear friends who that was our thing during the quarantine was watch fast and furious movies to see what they were about and get Taco Bell. And I was a comrade. I worked with the group because I wanted to. I didn't want to be difficult. But I did not see the beauty in it.

It was not good. It's not an all the time thing. And I'm a vegetarian. So I think for me, the magic of like McDonald's is lost. Because I think the magic of like McDonald's is probably the burger. The chicken nuggets or something. Well, the fries, which are in beef tallow. That's why they're good.

is it's the hooves of your best friends. Yeah, and I just, do you eat meat? Yes, I do. How do you reconcile with that? I'm so sorry. One time I presented it as a dog fundraiser. I presented it a dog fundraiser, and I was like, I'm happy to be here at this dog fundraiser, loved animals.

By the way, how's the chicken or fish? Like, you're all here eating animals, which I know I'm not the police of that, but it is kind of funny because it's just like light, C-Ceism of like I would never do that but if you have a pet chicken I might eat that you know what I mean yeah I I tried I'm not shaming you no I know no no no I I'm shaming me I'm just a better person I know I exactly right This is and this is one thing I think I have sometimes I have a very vegan friend who their whole family is vegan Uh see that sounds annoying begin well when they got married the whole way wedding was vegan, all good, but also they had no alcohol and there wasn't enough food.

Like there wasn't where it's like somebody believes that, you know, that everyone has, should have tiny portions. Like, I don't know, you know, somebody has this weird eating disordered belief that everyone's fine with a leaf of lettuce, right? We're just, we're just all living in our core and breathing in and out. And I'm like, no, I got to have, yeah, I got to have to some kind of give me a cube of cheese if I'm yeah I love sometimes you go somewhere like that and you don't eat because you think it's going to be a food event yeah it's not a food event you do have like a a simmering sense of panic yeah of like oh god do i uber eats food to somewhere that i'm at i now always bring power bars to weddings because because you do yeah i will not

be caught i don't know what's i don't know what's happening when people i uh whenever i do parties. I used, I have, I've been divorced for a few months now. And so I'm in an apartment. I'm in a lady's apartment. And I haven't had any parties recently, but I can't wait till I do again. Have a rager. I love parties. I love it. I love inviting punch people over and I love the randos when it's like, oh my God, the mailman showed up in his outfit. It's Floyd. He had mail. He was delivering mail. He wasn't at your party. He came. He had a full. He had a full. He had a full. He had a bottle of wine he had already cracked. He's like, oh, so great.

You know what I always think if I bring booze to something and no one touches it, I always think can I take it home? Yes, of course you can. I kind of think you can. Yes, yes. If it's like the end of the night and everyone's trickled and no one uncorked that, I'm just like, yeah, of course. Yeah.

You wanted it or you don't want it. Yeah. No one opened it. No. I will say, too, when you're having a party that's because you're not a drinker, if you're having a party that's not revolving around alcohol, you do have to actually think about what happens when people get here. What are we going to do?

I guess we're going to watch all the past and the Furious is. Yeah. You know the thing about that. They all have slightly different names. It's like the Fast and the Furious. Yeah. Fast and the Furious. Yeah.

But are too fast, too furious. Still fasting and Furious. Like, they're all different. We're on a fast. Yeah. And we're furious. It's just all driving, right? I've never seen those movies.

They are abominable. The first one's fantastic. It makes sense as a whole film. What was his name Paul? Paul Walker. Paul Walker. Yeah. And Vin Diesel? Vin Diesel. Maybe I have...

Vin Diesel is actually acting. No, no, no. I don't remember the name of the actors, but she's... It feels like a Michelle Rodriguez vehicle. Yes. She's in it. Yes, yes. She's in it. And she's great. Then the rest of them have no relation to any of the others, except for the fact that Paul Walker dies. And then they have a digital version of Paul Walker. No, they don't. Yes. Which will be your next special. In passing, like him zooming away in a car or... Or, you know, going, hey, I got to get back to my kids. You know, like, and just don't, don't use them. Yeah.

Your audience knows he's dead. It feels weird, right? No, no, no. This is the most sentimental movie. It's all about family. So everybody in the family is always there. So they always mentioned family. Everyone's always wearing a cross.

There's never mention of what diocese. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What's anyone's practicing? Like no one's going into a church, but yeah, there's a cross heavily depicted and everything. And then there's... It's a family movie. It's a Christian family movie.

It's Christian family. And then always there's something about science that's not, you know, wouldn't work. Like a car is driving up a building, straight up a building in Dubai. And someone will mention it and we'll go, God, this seems like this wouldn't be, this wouldn't work in physics. And then somebody's go, we'll say, yeah, this is. That's because you don't have faith. So it's kind of this religiosity as well. If you believe in Jesus, you're a car will drive.

Yeah. That's interesting. You know what? Now that I used to say, was the one of them called Tokyo Drift? Yes. Okay, I've seen that. Yeah. I remember the scene where I think the premise, okay, it's all coming back to me now. The female when I was in high school.

And I had all heterosexual cousins. Like, I feel like, I feel like Fast and the Furious movies really hit the heterosexual community in a major way. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. I think gay people waited for video. We're not like clamoring. No.

And I feel like I remember this scene where he's trying to race in a parking garage and he's crashing into everything because he hasn't learned to drift. Right? He like hasn't learned to like hit the break and skit. And the whole movie is him learning to see. He's whipping shitties is what he is. He's whipping shitties. But I guess the cars are cool. I mean, listen, driving in Los Angeles doesn't make me want to go home and watch that.

I fight for my life on these streets, Maria. Well, and I feel so bad for everybody who lives in the Fast and Furious neighbor. which is an actual neighborhood in Eastside, L.A., where people go. To drive crazy? Drive her crazy. You're lying. Yes. It's like this hillside neighborhood, which is, I mean, it's probably being gentrified, but it's mostly Latino.

Sure. And yeah, no, it's, I'm so sorry that I. Now you've told people where to go. Right. What am I doing? I'm so sorry. I will say too. You know what?

I never want to do that, but have you ever seen the movie Greece? Yes. There's a part where they street race. And I think they're street racing in the L.A. River. But I don't know if they are. Yes. They are. Of course.

Whenever I drive through the L.A. River, which as you know is a P.Stream. Yeah. And it's filled with people's homes. It's a neighborhood. People are living down there. It's not a river. It's a wonderful built houses, a house on the river that they've made out of. Yeah.

With TVs and stuff. Yeah. Like Oriental rugs and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But I always want to go down there and drive like Greece. Yeah. Do you drive?

I do. Yeah. I mean, I do. Do you have a license? Oh, yes. That's good. Good at both. But maybe you and I could do it on some there and we could get somebody to have one of those things that wave it.

Yeah, no. A hot twink, as you say, a hot twink going like this with the flag with like very tight, short shorts on. That's what the ladies do is they all have a tight short. Yeah, with like the mid-dra. Yeah. And they go, oh. Maybe you could date a twink next. You probably have, you used to picked up early that gays just loved you.

I know. I don't. I haven't had, well, I don't think. I know. I'm so great. I have no idea. They love you. I always assume it's people who have had mental health challenges is my, is my fan base.

Or their friends or family who are like, yeah, she loves you. I had to drive because she's on, she's on meds. She's on her new med. She loves you. So I'm here. And she loves you, though. She just got out. She just got out.

I think they love you. No, that's so kind. I think they do. Am I right? I'm right. We're gay. Nice. Nice. You never done a pride or like a grand marshal of a pride parade? I have not, but I'm totally down. Get you with the pug? Oh shit. Get the puck. Yeah. Do you still have a pot? I do. We have shared custody of an old pet, a pug named Max. Max is 16 years old. He's very old. And then we have a tiny pug chihuahua who is kind of a supermodel. And she's about six years. old and she's just so cute and I don't mean to say she's cuter than someone in this room. It's not a competition. Right. It isn't. We're all flowers in a beautiful garden and yeah, so her name is Muffin and she's going to the fashion fashion Institute of Technology in the fall

because she likes to wear a harness off the shoulder and that's what she does. How did you, how did you, was it conscious to kind of like gravitate toward pugs or did they, I mean, how did you I just, I took a quiz online where they say, what kind of breed do you think? Did you really? They said, what's your energy level? And I was like, low. Love it. And, yeah, what?

Do you like snorting sounds? Yes. Do you like really affectionate dogs? I was like, yes. Like, I don't want a chow where I have to be concerned. Are they into me today? Are they mad at me? Right.

Yeah. No, I want to know that that dog is into me. Like, you come home. I love, pugs. The enter, they come home and like, the freaking out, the freaking out. The freaking out. Can't breathe. The snuffling directly into your face.

Yeah. Like going face to face breathing at night. Like. And the facial expression of fixed like, what would you call that? Worry? Surprise. Yeah. No.

And I know there's something about the breeding that's wrong. Of course it's not. They're designing these dogs to look at certain way and that is pleasing that's like the frenchies aren't the frenchies they have problems with pregnancy braceocephalic their esophagus collapses at a certain point sometimes it's not good it's not good and yet am I doing anything wrong by rescuing a pug who's older already because we only get older pugs yeah it's hard because my friend, I have a friend, my friend Lisa, she has a bunch of dogs and she like only rescues,

basically. So it's like she always is, you know, if you're always saving dogs and they're older, have health problems, etc. You are always going to have dogs that are not, you know, perfect bill of health in the long life ahead of them. Well, because it's so, I totally understand when people, I mean, it's really sad when people have to give up animals, but it's, I don't know, but it's extremely expensive in Los Angeles. And there's also a lot of shame. You go into the vet and they go, well, we've looked at your 17-year-old cat,

and it's going to be $40,000 to do exploratory surgery. Right. And it's like, what? Like, in the Midwest, the nice thing about the Midwest is people are like, yeah, don't worry you just letting the cat go, you know, like. As I would say for myself, don't spend $40,000 on me. Unplug me. We had pets my whole life.

And this is not good. We never went to of it. I'm from the country. Yeah. Cats just go in the woods and die. You don't even find out they're sick. Yeah. Your dog just dies.

And it's, I don't want to say. That's not ideal. Whose lady was Christy Nome who shot her dog that she didn't like? I'm not that. And you think we should all do that. No, no, that is not what I'm saying. But there is some happy medium of like, don't hurt yourself.

And also animals, if you're going to put them through a ton of stress, isolation, just like human beings, I don't want to be in a hospital the last two months of my life with like a thing in my mouth going, I guess I'm alive still. Katia. Katia. It always comes back to her.

And how is she doing? Is that why she's out? Because she over the... She just had an emergency medical surgery. Okay. We don't, we're not saying exactly what it is. I don't know if she said. I'm waiting for her to spill the beans.

Okay. Oh, I love it. It's her story, but maybe you want to give her a message of hope. Oh, okay. Katia, every day it gets better. Or it doesn't. And at least that's something to talk about. Maria, can people go find you online and maybe see you in person?

Yes, of course, maria Bantfordcom. I'm always on tour. So please come see me anytime. If you don't have the money, you can always email me. And I will get you in for free. You just got to email me at Area, Mayamford Bay at gmail.com. It's on all my socials. And I'm the person who answers those emails.

So if I fuck up, blame me. It's me. I used to ship my own merchandise, and I had a fake name. Oh, really? I like Steve who shipped the merch. And I would come home from doing nightclubs a weekend. Monday I'd be emailing people being like, we'll have your order out, Nick, pretty soon. It was, it was me.

Shipping for my garage. No, I ship too. No, I did. I ship my own stuff. And then I would say it was actually me. And then I, if there were any problems with it, I'd say, that's a part of the celebrity experience. That's what I would say. If they got really mad, I'd be like, it's, it's me.

There is no Steve. Like, I'd pull the mask up. I'd be like, I was on tour as you know. Yeah. I'm back now. I'll ship your order. Yeah. Hey.

Yeah. Refund all your money. Refund. Yeah. Yeah. So our country sent you a voice note for you Maria? Yes, of course I will love to. You've been too kind.

You've been too kind and too, oh God. Okay, Maria, we have a voice note from Katia. I know that you didn't sign off on this. Yes, I did. It might not even be to you. It could just be a grocery list. She's been sending me a lot of weird notes. I'm grateful.

Hello? Hello? Excuse me? Hello? Hi. I just wanted to share. that I took an adult education sociology class at a community college. And during the lunch break, I talked to a young, wonderful woman who said that her name in high school

was Home Depot, but the M was silent, to which I replied, why? And she said, and I quote, Because my pussy grips the man's dick like a fresh hot pair pliers. So I thought it would be like, hey, Maria, thanks are coming out. No, and that's what I appreciate about Katia is she is constantly creating. Like, you know, she's not going to take a break and do like this cow chowing, you know, saying, oh, hi to this. No, no, no, no. Just keep making content. She's a creative.

She's a creative. Thank you, Maria. Thank you for having me. Thank you.