The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Nellie the Potato-Faced Humpty B*tch with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

This week on Little Bald on the Prairie, tune in for a very special episode that the whole family will enjoy. When lying-ass Nellie falls from Laura Ingalls' beloved horse Bunny, that little potato-faced humpty b*tch fakes paralysis rather than simply admit that she's profoundly bad at riding a horse. When Bunny is scheduled to be destroyed at the local glue factory, little Laura Ingalls assumes the hero's mantle and shoves Nellie's wheelchair down a friggin' mountain! In the end, Laura shows the entire world that Nellie sits on a wheelchair constructed entirely of lies. The moral of the story? Prairie b*tches be crazy. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you’re thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD to get 10% off your first month! Need a website? Head to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Want to murder your thirst? Go to https://Liquiddeath.com/BALD to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer today! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. I want to first talk about Nelly from, I want to first talk about Nelly, not the one with the bandaid, not Nelly Purtado. I'm like a bird. Okay. I want to talk about Nelly from Little House on the Prairie in a wheelchair flying down a mountain. That's all I want to talk about.

Do you have 45 minutes to talk about it? I have 45 days to talk about it. Between you, Amy Sedaris, like Devin Green, someone's always sharing it and every time it comes up, I'm like, thank God. It's never not good. It's never not good.

It's always time for a cocktail. It's always time for that video. I love, I love that video. I love that video. It's like a... It must be a dream sequence or something within the show because I don't think they would let kids do something so violent. No, no, no, no.

That was a documentary. That was a documentary produced by the BBC about life in rural Kansas. Did you ever see Little House on the Prairie? I have never. I always get confused because I always think, oh, that guy, the dad died of AIDS. But that was, of course, the Brady Bunch. No, but the dad in Little, I mean, the dad in the Brady Bunch is cute. Yeah.

Oh, but the dad in Little House is gorgeous. He's a two-fist. He's a devourer's cute. Exactly. A two-hander. He was so handsome. Oh, stunning. Thick, glossy-fist. He devours cute. Exactly. A two-hander. He was so handsome. Oh, stunning. Thick, glossy brown hair, if I'm remembering correctly.

Yeah, beautiful. And line your fingers through it. And, oh, I'm not going to lie. When the daughter goes blind and opens a school for the blind with her blind boyfriend. Because there's a lot of illnesses and stuff like. On the prairie. Yeah, she has vision and then loses her vision and then opens a school for the blind and she overcomes.

It's really sweet. What about, what would you do if you lost your hearing? Yeah. You know, I've thought about this a lot because, oh, I'm so sorry. For example, I wouldn't have answered that. I would have been more present. That would have been nice. Let's take a break

I'm gonna push you up Push me down in the wheelchair Please If you ever push me down A hill in a wheelchair No when I want the Victorian wicker one That they have

Cause it's like the prairie one Yes Remember Nightmare on Elm Street 3 Remember the one with all the spikes Yes That was really crazy That would be my wheelchair Sure

That would be my wheelchair That was really That That That would be my wheelchair. That was really That's a lot, Robin. Honestly, Robin, if you're not going to come to a resolution here, you can leave with half your color on. I was just thinking about that yesterday. Robin!

Robin! That was a lot, Robin. That was wild. Oh my God. That's like a Sharon. Her name's sharon i follow her on tiktok the real the real stylist that is comes directly after the wheelchair flies up down the hill wow robin that robin that was a lot you know what i fucking can't take right now i hit you so hard i'm so hard no hit me i can't hit him or land i can't fucking take it are you watching these do you get in this the algorithm of hairstylists doing their consultations on camera?

Miss Honey Faggot. Let me tell you something, bitch. Miss Nelly Honey Faggot. Sit down in your wicked descending wheelchair and start screaming. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. Walk me through it.

So, like, there's a TikTok camera here. A phone. I believe they're called TikTok screaming. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. Walk me through it. So like there's a TikTok camera here, a phone. I believe they're called TikTok cameras. Yeah, yeah. AKA a phone. Yes. A TikTok camera. And it's always someone seated. We're going to get YouTube down here to film this.

And it's always someone seated. By the way, you haven't said anything about my light seafoam green fishnets. Okay. Pluck my eyes out because color me colorblind. Yeah. Look at the top. That me color blind Yeah look at the top That's your man Look at the screen That's mine

Wait wait are you fucking with me No look at the camera They are a little blue do you see it Color coordination Uh yes It's called yes and Oh no Do we start over No no no you do that Uh, yes. It's called yes and. Oh, no. Do we start over?

No, no, no. You do that. You do. You're so brave with that gloss. I just tried this lipstick on today. The bravery and courage. I'm always trying new stuff. Yeah.

This is a little glossy for me. Yeah. But I thought. Because the hair's not swinging. Right. It'll be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought on camera it would make my lips look like wet pussy lips.

South mouth. That everyone would want to fuck. Let's go back to the leg. Yeah. Your leg. W-Y-O-R-E. And if you're a fan of this one, guess what? You got to double your pleasure.

Why have one when you can have two twice the price? Although I read on a chronic pain Reddit that you're not supposed to cross your legs ever. Oh my God. You're absolutely fucking right. So I think women should be man spreading this used to be sexy ladies on the subway yeah all my ladies pop yeah this is what we should be doing okay i'm listen i'll say it i've said it 365 000 times we don't squat enough in the west it's true it's true squatting is awesome stretching is important we're not supposed to do this why do you think like let me tell you something i've never told you told you before so i've had hip problems

i can't believe you're opening up i know i know it took it required i mean the vulnerability and the bravery um to for me to say something that i've never said before is is is pretty impressive but this is a huge antagonist. Huge antagonist. Huge. Big mistake. What's tough about it is nobody said that a decade of splits with no stretching and hard

drug use would lead to osteoarthritis. No, it was just the crossing. None of the other stuff. None of those other things you mentioned, which ordinarily would be a major factor. But in a way, it was just the crossing. None of the other stuff. None of those other things you mentioned, which ordinarily would be a major factor. But in a way, it was the crossing. The crossing over.

The crossing over. From now on, it is... From now on. From now on. It is crossing over with Melissa Edwards. That is what drag is. Crossing over with Melissa Edwards. She's a full cross. A full crossy. Well, crossy Easter. The original what drag is. Crossing over with Melissa Edwards. She's a full cross.

A full crossy. What crossy Easter? The original cross dresser. Who's crossy Easter? Jesus. She did have long hair. She had long hair. She was bundled. Quick weave. She bundled.

She was gowns. Entourage. They say Show in. She bundles. She was gowns. Gowns. Entourage. They say robes. I say caftan. Thank you. So wait, have you been watching Curb?

Oh, like outside? Like standing on the sidewalk and just looking at the side of the road? Oh, yeah. Hours a day. Hours a day. Because when I'm out there on the corner Sucking cock What else am I supposed to watch And when I have that big cock in my mouth That big hateful uncut nasty linty thing

I look out the corner of my eyes At the curb and I go That big old bean eating No but I have a crush on curb I want to become a curb person Are we talking about the same thing? Yeah, I've only seen a couple episodes in my life. Oh, my God.

I mean, you got to get into this gig. Well, Susie Green in the show has a, she's got a thing about, she makes a caftan, she has a caftan business and it's a pun that I don't understand what it is. But now that you're not on board, this can't really go anywhere. Well, can I go back to the hair consultations? So they film people and they go, hi, my pronouns are she, her, whatever. And they make the person in the chair say it, which is lovely. Fine.

Great. Love it. Love it. Love it. And you know what? If you have your conservative clients, your liberal clients are like, it's actually they, him. Thank you. Your conservative client will go, my pronouns are kiss my ass.

That's fun. And everyone wins. Yes. Nobody doesn't like that. Everyone loves it. It's so fun are kiss my ass. That's fun and everyone wins. Yes. Nobody doesn't like that. Everyone loves it. It's so fun. It's classic. It's original.

It's always right on time. Yeah. And it doesn't ruffle any feathers ever. No, no, no, no, no, no. Love it. But I also love, there's a new, there's a new, there's a new, not like not faggot, there's a new word nelly that's all can you look up the new gender word and wait are you joking no no there is it's called like fafsa but i know that that's for student loans but it's something like that oh no emulging gender when i girl when

i was a fafsa off the screen i'm that. Honey, when I was applying for student loans, that process of a FAFSA, I really was 17 going, do I really want to go to college? A hundred. It is. Do I really want to go? It's absolutely. What do you call that? A gatekeeping?

A hundred percent. And I remember filling out that FAFSA thinking, if college is anything like this, the way I am dropping out. I think the FAFSA was harder than college. A hundred percent. Well, I mean, I way I am dropping out. I think the FAFSA was harder than college. A hundred percent. Well, I mean, I'll never forget a therapist. I've had this therapist years ago who's like, the hardest thing about getting into Harvard

was getting into Harvard. No, sorry. The hardest thing about Harvard was getting into Harvard. It's like so prohibitive. FAFSA is a labyrinthine maze of bureaucratic nonsense. Yeah. Horrible. Horrible.

So when they do the consultation, they go, can I touch you? Which I, I get it. I get it. But aren't, how are we going to cut and color hair without touching people? Are we doing telekinesis? Like, can I touch you? What if the person goes, oh, there's touching involved in this?

They're like, absolutely not. I thought you were going to whisper from about six meters distance and then my hair was going to turn yeah i know it's a formality yeah but it's those moments where i'm full am i am i red state yeah am i you know i'm like can i touch yeah can i touch you there michael bolton do you know that one can i touch you there no No. Is that a song? Michael Bolton. Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? Would you fuck Michael Bolton? Yeah. The voice. Long hair, short hair.

Which do you prefer? Short. Short. Yeah, me too. Yeah. It was because it was always hard. You know, people have been sharing the perennial share of me versus Brian Eno in the 70s is going around.

Yeah. And he had a very receding hairline with a long, long, long shag. Sure. And we look exactly the same. You do. Yeah. And he had a very receding hairline with a long, long, long shag. Sure. And we look exactly the same. You do. Yeah. So I'm tempted to glue a few tracks in on the bottom around like, um,

what'd you call it? Um, uh, Mr. Burns. Sure. Except long, long,

long, and just really let the kids have it play a keyboard. Well, I don't know if you followed your presence online for the last 10 years. There's not a shortage of photos of you out of makeup with a wig on. There's more pictures of you with no makeup on with a wig on than there is in drag. Damn.

But I still need to get those tracks. Will you do it? May I ask you? Will I hot glue the tracks to your head? Absolutely. We gotta get a TikTok camera though and then I'm gonna ask if you can touch me. We have to reveal it like Love is Blind though. Like a door slides open and I don't know who reacts to you god anyone the guy from little house

okay either he's not with us anymore or he's the oldest living person at this point because that was like 40 years ago now yeah he's always with us is he in the room that show i've never seen i gotta go i gotta go back i mean there's so many i gotta go back that's that and the brady bunch i have to revisit. Nothing touches the Brady bunch. I know. I'm sure. You know, I never got why I loved it.

And this is dark. And I'm sure this is why a lot of people loved it. I was watching it and David was like, why do you like the show? And I said, I honestly think it was such a fun house reverse. Yeah. Of my family.

Absolutely. That I, it was, it was. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It was flawless it was. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It was flawless.

Yeah. Family problems that could be solved in 30 minutes. Same thing with, I mean, you know, the Cosby show. Right. You know. Well, yeah. I loved the Cosby show. I used to watch it every day after school.

Well, some of those problems took a lot longer to solve ultimately. Also, dude, I mean, the revelation, that was pretty, that was pretty shocking. Let's take a break. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere, and they never expire.

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I have something to share with you that I just think is crazy. I just have something crazy. Shangela Merkel. I need you to hear this. This drag, you know, I think in the wake of, in the wake of a mandatory meeting, I think it's going to usher in a new and exciting age of ridiculous drag names. Okay. Right?

Not Anita Bump. Not Corny. No Anitas. I'm sorry. I need a Wiglet. I need a Bump. I need a Cocktail. We're not doing that.

I know she's a lovely person. I need a career change. Thank you. I need a new name. But I need you to hear this one because I can't fucking take it. Okay? I need you to hear it and take it inside you. Okay.

Okay. Is that a TikTok phone or a regular phone? This is a TikTok camera. Oh, yeah. I can't believe I called a phone a TikTok camera. Well, you've graduated. So you need to hear this. You've completed your FAFSA.

I'm Tara Dickoff. This is... Like, get... Get me Like I'm in the wheelchair. I'm Tara Dickoff. Tara Dickoff? Can you make that a ringtone? Is that still a thing? I'm Tara Dickoff. Hi, I'm Tara Dickoff and this is the BBC World Service. Tara Dickoff. At first it offended me.

I like. And now you love it. At first I was like Kris Jenner with that laptop like hmm and just closing the laptop I was like Kris Jenner With that laptop Like hmm And just closing the laptop I'm Kris Jenner with the gun And then it kind of marinated Like an hour later

I was like I mean I want Tara Dickoff Say it again Do it again Do it again Say it again girl Tara Dickoff

I'm Tara Dickoff I just love that I My brain fills in the rest with I'm Tara Dickoff And I just love that. I, my brain fills in the rest with I'm Tara Dickoff. And this is, uh, the, you know, 60 minutes.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm live on the scene with, uh, that's funny. Tara Dickoff. Well,

there was a Katya cock off. Oh, there is. She's not, she's still with us. Well, that's, that's a little more surgical.

Yeah. There's a blade involved. Yeah. Tearing a dick off, like grabbing it and pulling it off well it's like oh god it's like um in that um and leaving the balls oh yeah well no the um who was telling me about it i guess in the human was it a human centipede or something one of those horrible movies that um my friend gage worked on they had to they had to do a whole one take with the balls and the dick and just literally... Yeah, it was really gross. Really gross.

I think they were through the legs from the back. Were they prosthetics? Yeah. It was like really gross, but it was like fierce how they did it. By the way, why did I ask, was it prosthetics? You're like, no, no, they were real. It was a little documentary.

Yeah. That's what put them in the wheelchair. What do you think about the kink people who are into eating people? Not cannibalism, not cannibalism, but like swallowing someone whole. That's like a kink people have is that they have a big pregnant belly with a person in there. Oh, that's funky. That's funky.

Funky and wild. Yeah. That's funky. Well, cause it's not real. Right. I mean, it's like, that's pure fantasy. Yeah. Like, so I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's fine. Yeah, it's like, um.

Because you're not going to be able to swallow a person whole. No, no. So it's really a victimless crime. It's a victim. It's just, it's just flights of fancy. I mean, if, um, I mean, think about it this way they make uh little baby dolls that go to the bathroom that to me is more that's jail that that to me is more it's not jail i think that's to me is more shocking than the fantasy of consuming somebody whole are they chewing them up no they're whole they're like whole and they're like like being carried like a baby oh i love that because that's like um it's like the the guy who was in the whale stomach

for like, you know, an hour or something. Oh. Tara Dickoff. No, the guy in the whale. It was Brendan Fraser. Oh my God. That's how he got the job on the whale. He was in a whale.

And they were like, are you going to do some acting? And he said, as soon as I fucking get out of this whale. Because it was an invisible whale. Do you know how much of the ocean is unexplored? Mama, don't get me started about Miss Ocean, Miss Danny Ocean. It's so many leagues. I think leagues is the terminology. Absolutely.

There are species we don't know about. And should never. Giant squids that we don't know. And should never. We have no business down there. Bioluminescence. We have no business down there. We got no business. Bi no business down we got no business bioluminescence of course just talking about that just googling and and like fright fright gooning at the drake passage videos on youtube again girl it's i i just why why we have no business no business and of course i'm i'm

googling you know get on the rabbit hole of natural disasters can't stay away from the 2004 tsunami can't stay away from it what do you what's compelling about it to you it's what's compelling is that it's just so easy i mean i can just put myself in that situation so clearly so quickly so easily because you're you're like you're browning your your tanned gross white body on this and. You don't see a huge wave coming? No, no, no, no. It comes out of nowhere. It comes out of nowhere. It's like, oh, okay, the waves are going just so.

And then all of a sudden, there's a slightly bigger wave. And then the tide is getting pulled out remarkably further. And then before you know it, the water just fucking rushes and 220 000 people died do you know what it was what it was um tara dickoff jumping into the i don't no like not to be dumb about science how does a tsunami manifest some okay earthquake because how does a wave like that come out of nowhere yeah so an earthquake i think happened off of the coast of i don't know because there was that there's a plate or there's what do you call that there's a um fault line around the the pacific or something

i don't forget but anyway i was like it was there was a big big earthquake and then it was oh my god that is just terrifying terrifying that's the terrifier. Yeah. Did you see the Naomi Watts movie? It's terrifying. You know, I'm assuming not to be ignorant. I'm assuming no matter how great of a swimmer, that's out the window at that point. Well, yeah, because what's going on. No amount of swimming is helping you. Not necessarily because, I mean, certainly it would help.

But when you're, so you're in the water, you know what's in the water? Cars, broken glass, debris. Sharks? I think, honestly, sharks are probably the least of your worries. It's more likely you will get, like, I don't know, washed into a building and stuck in there as it fills up. Exactly. Or like you will be, yeah, or a car will hit you underwater and break your legs off. Crazy.

Crazy. We do live pretty close to the ocean. Yeah. And also like I'm constantly reminded that we're due for the big one. Like just in terms of the timing. It would have to be big though because I have slept through every single

earthquake since I moved here eight years ago. I know the only ones that I felt are the ones I feel like, oh, the guy upstairs is like just just fell over. You're like fell off the bed or something. Exactly. And I learned it was an, it was an earthquake, but like the one in, um, the Northridge one in whatever, 19 something, like that was so big. And that's like, we're due. Oh God. Yeah. If you were going to die in a natural disaster, what do you realistically think? Cause you know, remember I survived a tornado. Which is truly, truly terrifying.

Truly terrifying. Yes, but I lived. And what do you think it would be? I guess because we live in LA, an earthquake. Yeah. Is a plane going down a natural disaster? I think, I mean, planes never go down. Yeah, it's like.

They do in the small planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like JFK Jr. And the They do in the small planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like JFK Jr. And the more famous you and I get... Oh my God, girl. It's more likely you die in the car on the way to the airport. Absolutely. Absolutely.

People should be more appropriate. I'm always tickled. I've said it a million times, but I'm always like perplexed when people are like, I'm so afraid of flying. It's like, you should be afraid of taking the Uber to the airport or wherever. Yeah. That should terrify you. Although the traffic taking the Uber to the airport or wherever. Yeah.

That should terrify you. Although the traffic in LA is so bad, we're not going fast enough to get injured. I couldn't even get whiplash. I mean. The traffic on the way to the airport. Oh, sure. But I mean, the 101? I was on the 101 yesterday.

Mad Max, Fury Road. Honey. Mad Max, Fury Road. Baby. Mad Max, Furiosa. I look over at Charlie's thereiosa The way they drive I just go I see them driving and I go pills Oh that's pills

Drunk Fully drunk Anytime of the day So you try to avoid rush hour In a way it's like you're almost safer in rush hour Because you can't go that fast Do you know what I mean It's absolutely Mad Max Furiosa It's the terrifier do you like rush hour the movie

with jackie chan yeah yeah and chris tucker is chris tucker i wish because miss ruby from fifth element she eats oh she oh she's ultra ultra ultra gay who would play todrick could play her i was gonna say absolutely todrick player she's very tiny she's very tiny ultra, ultra gay. Who would play? Todrick could play her. I was going to say, absolutely. Todrick could play her. She's very tiny. She's very tiny. Do you know that guy, Nick, who does Kleptora, the Dora the Explorer, who steals? No. Kleptora, that's funny.

Yeah. That's fierce. You know, Jean-Paul Gaultier designed all those costumes in the fifth element. That animal print and the version of it that's all red roses. Oh, so good. So cunty. And then Plava Laguna, plava Laguna.

She eats. And obviously Mila Jovovich, the white. I know. Imagine, imagine though, like the, that would be so stressful.

Like as an actress to like, she's in that pretty much the whole movie. And Bruce Willis is hot in that movie. He got little blonde hair. Hot, hot, hot, jerkin,

jerkin, jerkin. Absolutely. Hot. Setsy. And Gary blonde hair. Hot. Hot. Jerkin. Jerkin. Jerkin. Jerkin. Absolutely. Hot. Setsy. And Gary Oldman. Yes. Gary Oldman is the-

The makeup in that movie. Is cunty. It's cunty. Those big monsters with the- It's cunty. Obviously the Diva Laguna. That makeup's amazing. That movie, it's just amazing.

The scope of it. The music. Luc Besson. Luc Besson. It gives. It's so good. Did you see Lucy? Did you see Lucy? he did that Lucy one

the weird like Scarlett Johansson as a drug mule and it explodes in her body oh it's so crazy I mean it's stupid did you watch The Island I don't think so

with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson and they live in a colony that they're being told that they're like the last survivors whatever and then they escape and find out it's the future.

And celebrities have paid for versions of themselves to exist for organs to harvest. Oh, Jesus Christ. Damn. If you had the money, would you clone yourself to have organs for harvesting? Like Barbra Streisand? Well, she has a mall in her basement, which I think is a better use of the money. No, but she cloned her dog, I think. I think she cloned her dog. Yeah, yeah. She cloned her dog, I think. I think she cloned her dog.

Yeah, yeah. She cloned her dog. She said, I cloned my dog. So my dog woke up and I said, hello, gorgeous. So when are you going to just become a Barbra Streisand impersonator? That's what everybody wants to know. Before the parade passes by. That's so bad.

I was like, what is that? What is that? Hello, I'm Barbra Streisand. Hello, I'm Barbra Streisand. What is that? That's I'm Baba Streisand. Hello, I'm Baba Streisand. What is that? That's pretty good. Baba Streisand. I think of the nails.

You're going to do the nails. Baba Streisand. I'm Baba Streisand. I'm just going to come in here and sing a song. You know what I mean? I love the nailography of the nailography. Also, a crippling stage fright. Crippling.

That makes sense because every time she goes on stage, she hits the ground. Her legs keep on. And she hits the ground and her nails just twitching i think she's she's really you know it's funny like the you know everybody in la has had a nose job or anywhere anywhere you know not her no you know david was watching the other day what was he watching funny girl yeah and by the way we're in bed he's going to sleep he's going to sleep he's going to sleep don He's going to sleep. He's going to sleep. Don't wait till my parade starts. And I swear to God,

he woke up out of a dead sleep and watched it. Went back to sleep. That's gay. Gay. Gay. Do you know, are you familiar with her? Uvra? Yeah.

I mean, of course I've seen, um, hello Dolly. Okay. You know, um, and that's about it.

Meet the Fockers. Oh, that's right. She plays the mom of Ben Stiller, right? Yes. Like she's a, they're like hippie dippy, right? Yes. She's like a healer.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a sex therapist. Love. With no boundaries. Love. I gotta, I gotta see that one. I haven't, I don't think I've seen it all the way through. But I'm watching her in, we're watching her in Funny Girl. Okay. And I, I hope Barbara's not listening to this. I feel like the discourse is always that she's not good looking.

I'm watching this going. What are you talking about? Yeah. She is so beautiful. But like, I feel like the discourse is always that she's not good looking. I'm watching this going, what are you talking about? She is so beautiful. It's like Liza. She's not like a sex pot, right? But they're gorgeous and they're super, super talented. I think that's like the main thing. The voice is crazy. Her hair in that movie?

In which one? Her hair in Funny Girl? Her makeup? It's like the 60s Sophia Loren. Oh yeah, cunty. Her skin that? Her makeup. It's like the 60s. Oh, the gorgeous. Oh yeah. Cunty. Her skin. All of it. I'm like, she looks fucking great.

She sounds great. She's like, oh, legend. If you had to be one of those classic divas who's still alive, like who would you, who would you transform into? At their age or at their, at their. At any age, any age at all. I'd be Monica Bellucci Who's that? She's an Italian actress She was in

Bram Stoker's Dracula Which I just watched last night As one of the brides She's like Probably the most beautiful woman In the entire world Wow The most

Oh my god You wanna go for Dracula 2000? Dracula 2000? Remember that movie? No Dracula Dracula 2000 No Dracula 2000? What was movie? No. Dracula, Dracula 2000. No.

Dracula 2000? What was that? It's a Dracula movie from the year 2000. What happens in that? Dracula is alive in the year 2000. I thought it was implied. You're like, what happens in that? I'm like, well, a young woman gets a job at a law firm and she sues PG&E.

She pulls her boobs up in a tiny little bra. Do you have Verizon? I think so, yeah. Have you ever been to a Verizon premium retailer? No. Because there's Verizon. Hi, it's Verizon. This is a real Verizon.

Verizon premium retail. Run by Jesse Pinkman of Breaking Bad. What do you mean? Crooks. Uneducated crooks. They gag you? They grift you? I went there to get my phone turned on because I had AppleCare.

And my phone broke and I had to go get the replacement turned on. $50. That's not much money. To get it turned on. I already pay. How much for phone service? $80 a month?

$100 a month? Oh my god I know So now I'm paying to have the service It's horrible It's horrible Am I a Nicky fan? No T-Mobile will open my legs and eat my pussy On the curb

On the curb While pushing you down On the curb Verizon And I kind of feel like After all these years Where's the loyalty bonus? Where's like the,

the appreciation. And they said to me, and I had so much trust. Yeah. And they said to me, they said to me, how much do you pay? They said,

let me ask you, how much you pay for your internet? And I said, here we go. You know what? I'm a saleswoman myself. I like to see what you got, you know,

because as good as I am at selling things, I am iron clad. When it comes to entering me, I got sutures. My pussy stitch shut. All right. Like, so I'd love to see you try honey. She goes, what are you paying for your internet? And I go, all right, I'm in a kind of good mood. My new arthritis medicine's working. So now I'm open to conversation. I've turned back into a nice person. Yeah. And she goes, I go, Oh yeah. oh yeah it's like god a spectrum spectrum internet is i'm not kidding i don't want to put spectrum on blast my spectrum is like at least a hundred dollars a month it's crazy yeah

spectrum's fucking crazy it's all of it is awful so just fucking crazy do you have a problem with it do you have cable like what do you get nothing just internet just internet i think that's the robbery of it that's the robbery like it. That's the robbery. Like it's, I don't understand any of that crap. I think it's like one 20 crazy grifters. And because we do content creation, I try to pay for the best internet so I can either send large files, stuff like that.

And she goes, okay, great. And by the end of it, I'm checking out, I'm getting my little phone case, my clear phone case, because even though this is the titanium iPhone 15,

you can still smash it apparently. I got camera covers to protect the cameras, and they put a privacy screen thing on there. So now I can look at hardcore porn on the phone. On the plane or on the subway. I can use my TikTok camera to look at dicks.

By the way, on a plane, I feel like if you look at my camera, you see what you see. You're peeping. Yeah, absolutely. I don't like that I looked in your windows and saw you naked in the bathtub. And saw you showing whole. Yeah, fierce. She goes, okay, well, let me ask you. And I tell her how much.

And she goes, all right, I got you. This is what I got you on. I got you. It's going to save you this much a month. I said, great. She said, and you're going to have all these channels. And you're going to have a second phone line. A second.

You want a second phone line? I'll send you home with the router today. So you get it all hooked up. And I said, and, but that was, she went from how much do you pay for internet to like all of that. And I said, you have skipped some steps in the salesmanship. Yeah. Grif, Grif, Tina, Tina.

At least, at least ask me if I want a cup of coffee. You had to take me out to dinner first. Something. Fuck. And by the end I said, Oh, did you just pull the plug right then and there or no? She goes,

well, you have an outdated plan. So if I give you this, if I put your, if I put you on this plan with cable, it's actually less. Okay. And I said,

well, is there a plan with no cable? That's less. Yeah. Cause I would like that miss honey. Which is saying, cause I'm with David silver. We have every TV service there is.

Okay. Oh, right. Right. Right. You got like ESPN 16. We have golf. honey which is saying because i'm with david silver we have every tv service there is okay oh right right right you got like espn 16 we have golf everything hand yeah yeah space we have all of it okay so i was like and she she was so i felt bad striking down the hand of a strong career woman but i said i just don't want i just don't want more cable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. What'd you do? She said, what TV shows do you watch? I said, nothing. I don't really watch TV.

I don't. And so I said like, sometimes on YouTube, I watch back episodes of Trading Spouses. Do you have something for that? Damn. They can't get you. They can't get me. They can't get you. You can't game a gamer. You can't play a player.

You can't. You can't. My God. Miss Easter basket. They can't get you. You can't game a gamer. You can't play a player. You can't. You can't. My God. Miss Easter basket. Miss Easter basket. Yeah. Is Easter your favorite holiday? What is your favorite holiday?

I mean, Christmas, obviously. Christmas. Yeah. Nothing beats Christmas. I know. The rebirth of Jesus. I like when he dies. Wait, Christmas is his birthday.

Christmas is his. Well, I mean, it's. When does he die? He doesn't. No, he dies Wait Christmas is his birthday Christmas is his Well I mean it's When does he die? He doesn't No he dies around He dies Wait he dies on Good Friday Right?

What's so good about it? Well cause it's like It becomes good retroactively He was only dead He was only dead three days? Yeah What's so fucking impressive about that? Well it's three days

It's not like he was bones in the mummy. Well, I mean, but he was definitely, they, they, they went in on a Saturday with the defibrillators. Of course they went on,

they went on Sunday with the, um, with the, um, what do you call that? The, um, the,

uh, the, the pulp fiction adrenaline needle that didn't work. And then, um, they just let him be on Monday and then, or, um,

uh, did he crawl out of a grave? I'm not being funny No, no, out of a cave There was a big stone It was pretty fierce It's pretty fierce It's like a tomb

It was pretty fierce I don't think he was dead I think it was this That's what it was this. That's what it was. A baker, baker, goodness baker. In the Romeo and Juliet, they take the potion to seem dead. You don't think Jesus could play dead?

I think Jesus was the ultimate. He was doing community theater. Right. Community theater. Jesus Christ. He was doing Jesus Christ Superstar. I don think he I don't even think he really existed But that's just That's just me

I think he was like They just made up a whole thingy I think he was a queer POC A sapphic envy Well he was He was He actually was a What do you call it

A Verizon premium We're doing No He was a model for one of those TikTok haircut videos Verizon premium. We're doing model for one of those. TikTok haircut videos. He came in after he died.

He went and sat in a chair and some girls like, can I touch your hair? And he's like, well, have you? Yeah. And he said, have you,

she's like, so you're back to life and we want to see the new you. What about some front foils here? But we're going to maintain the integrity of there. Now I have to ask you, Jesus, is there box dye in the hair or was it professionally done? Thank you. These are the questions that true Christians are not even willing to ask. But what's a true Christian? A true Christian is someone who can, I think, someone who can be wheeled down a hill in a wheelchair and then get hit by a tsunami and still not die.

I think if you're a real Christian, you should be able to pick the real Santa out of a lineup of mall Santas. Oh my God. Have you read, or do you get into Santa porn? Let's take a break. Santa porn. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's like a genre, like holiday porn. He like comes down the chimney and you catch him and he's like, no, usually, usually it's mall Santa.

It's mall Santa. Like a group of, um, group of 18 year old boys. I meant like not little boys, a group of 18 year old boys celebrating a birthday. No, no,

like, like it's not, you know, I swear to God, it's like private plane that you want to fly out of the country. It's your last name. Epstein. My God.

I still, every once in a while, not every once in a while, probably like once a day, twice a day. I think of Stephen Hawking on Epstein jet and I just can't get enough. I don't think it was true by the way, but anyway,

back to, back to mall Santa. It's a, it's the sitting on the lap. Hawking? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he was like,

like Steve Jobs, rich, not, I mean, he had to have been very wealthy. I mean if he was like like steve jobs rich not i mean he had to have been very wealthy i mean he was he must have been right yeah i mean how that chair was very expensive well i mean it's it it is it's not like i meant like i know he was super smart but did he like invent something or was he like a ceo of something i actually don't know what this person was doing i don't know i don't think there's any way to figure it out. 20 million. Yeah.

See girl, 20 million. Yeah. You don't have to go to an Island. If he rolled in here, I was like, well, apparently somebody,

um, there was a, so yesterday somebody that we both know said, I told a story about, um, a notorious figure in the press, um, getting a BJ at the Cannes

Film Festival. And he described it as the girl, the young model that was going to town, going to town like crazy going to town, which is different than the laws on the prairie because then going to town was like a full half day thing. Oh my God. And all that. I mean, they don't talk enough about the jostling and the carriage because that was like wreaked havoc on your, your, um, on your joints. But it was great because when I wanted to get pregnant, I would get on top of my husband on the way to get just ride to town and no one has to do anything. That's true.

You're on your way to get your, uh get your bag of sundries and victuals. Yeah. Do you like the word victual? What is that? I'm not really sure. Do you believe that if you want to get pregnant, you can do like lay on the ground, legs up, that type of shit with the cum in you? I mean, that's what, that's what, if these walls could talk part two would have us believe

when Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres played a lesbian couple who were trying to get artificially inseminated. Right. Sharon Stone, you saw iteneres played a lesbian couple who were trying to get artificially inseminated. Right. Sharon Stone, you saw it, right? Yes. Yeah, Sharon Stone, never forget, the wacky, like, wife. And she was on the way home from the hospital.

She was in the convertible with the legs through the air. I don't think... Did you watch If These Walls Could Talk 2? That's where that one's from. Yeah. The one with the older women? Oh, my God, Vanessa redgrave it was so heartbreaking so heartbreaking if the young lezzies of today don't know it was so heartbreaking

tiktok lezzy shit i don't think they know or share as an abortion doctor yes that was i remember she's like all right you're all set and you handle that like a trooper and they killed her nobody gives share enough flowers for her acting, by the way. Yeah, I would say Cher in general is under-celebrated with her Oscars and Grammys. No, no, no. But I mean like, no, but she's. She needs to get discovered. No, it's not that.

It's just like, because she's so, nowadays she's so, I mean, she's so what? She's in her 70s. She's called C-Span. That's her job. I know. She'll call in like, where are you calling from? Hey, Malibu. Yeah, I can't even.

I'm calling from Malibu. But do you, I mean, she did so many things like the sheer volume of, of like, I mean, you want, I was watching the sheer volume,

the sheer intensity of her work ethic was just staggering. Like, um, it was just like, I saw a super cut of just clips from like maybe three years of the Sonny and Cher show. And Oh my God, so many costumes, the costumes, the hair, the ripaways, I saw a super cut of just clips from maybe three years of the Sonny and Cher show. And oh my God.

So many costumes. The costumes. The hair. Balts. That long black hair with two blunt pieces on the cheek. Cunty. Fucking. Cuntyliciousdiva.com.

Beautiful. Yeah. She's the diva. Yeah, she really is. 60 Cher is something else. Yeah. I mean, I love Mackie, Air Cher, and all that. But 60 Cher, Air Cher, Chera. Cherichera and all that, but like 60s, Erichera. Erichera.

And she's, oh my God. I mean, the witches of Eastwick, Erichera is always just like, oh my God. Miss Boop. So good. The big curly hair. I didn't realize they're all wearing, you know, when I was watching that younger, of course I didn't realize that those were all wigs. I just didn't know.

I never knew. I never figured. It did not occur to me. It didn't ever occur to me that anybody was ever wearing a wig. In every single movie, someone is wearing a wig. Most people, in fact. Yes. And.

Most people. For old movies, the wig tech's not that bad because it's not HD. No. It's flawless. Yeah. It's flawless. And the wig technology has not improved since, I don't think. Not at Netflix.

Did you see the screen grab? What, what, what? You know Millie Bobby Brown The actress Yeah Eleven from Stranger Things Yes Yeah

There's apparently like The cover art For a Netflix program Visible lace People are zooming in And seeing like Miss But it's not just visible lace

It's Miss Gay America 1998 Screen door Plastic wig It's the brown Screen Yeah the brown screen door. And I have to say,

not I like to watch having the best wigs on Netflix sometimes. I know. Not this. Not that. It's so, it's hateful. I know.

I remember watching an episode of Killing Eve. Because you and I's wigs are not that good sometimes. No, but like, I remember watching an episode of Killing Eve where you could see

a whole strip of glue with like peeking through Laysan and a character and I was like peeking through lace on a character. And I was like, damn, that's hateful. Truly hateful. Yeah. Hateful and rotten. I have something else to tell you.

Okay. Dave Whistle went to see Dune. He said, like you said, the costumes were cunty. They were, you know, it's like, they were so amazing. Like gag worthy. And he said the length didn't bother him. No, no.

That's what she said. Yeah. No, I mean, the length was, it was a little lengthy. And I think I'm literally just biding my time until someone makes a, like a super cut of all the scenes without Timmy and Zendaya. All due respect, lovely people. But just by far the least visually compelling portion of the film. The Harkonnens, I mean, the fact that we were not approached and then curb stomped to be in that movie.

It's just so hateful. It's so hateful. I know we've talked about this before, but us being compared to Austin Butler in any way is so leagues beyond what we normally get compared to. Yes. That's the best compliment we've ever gotten. I mean, I'm, yeah, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I was telling a lot of last night.

It's like, I don't want to line in this movie. I don't want to ruin the movie. No. I just want to be an extra visible for maybe 0.5 seconds. I just want to observe. Yeah. That would have been amazing for you. I would have loved it.

Also because it's like, it is a pretty impressive, like, it's just a pretty impressive production. It's just like, oh my God, it's so good. We should start saying movies we want to be in. Well, there's going to be a third. So I think I'm going to, today starts the campaign. Absolutely. And they just announced The Sims movie. Now, what is that going to look like?

I don't know. Are people walking like this? But I want in. Have we talked about The Sims porn? I was snubbed on Barbie and I won't be the baby put in the corner again. Because I don't know. Are people walking like this? But I want in. Have we talked about the Sims porn? And I won't be the baby put in the corner again. Because I love the Sims. What about the Skims movie? I have to start wearing shapewear.

You don't wear Skims if you're trying them? I can't wear panties. It would spoil the line. Spoil the lines. Spoil the lines. It would spoil the line spoil the lines spoil the lines spoil the line whoa now we're back to dune back to dune lady um so i just there's a scene where um uh lady jessica drinks the water of life into like it's a whole like weird transformation witchy process and there's this gurgling blue moment. That's like, it's like, I've, I've never had like full body goosebumps,

like more in a, in a film than I've seen three times. When it comes to video, you're going to watch at home too. Oh, I'm going to, it's good. It's goon part two.

Cause now you'll be able to do the double feature. Well, that's a little, so that would be too much because I think like, it is eight hours. It's home. I mean, it's like,

that's like almost six and a half hours. It's too, too much. But I got to tell you, guess who's going to guess who's going to see a Laboda. Are you going again? Tomorrow? No,

I haven't gone yet. Didn't you see her in the green? Oh, yo. Yes. Yeah. And my, and Miami.

Absolutely. Give her another shot. Well, she's coming to LA. Okay. So this is a little bit different. Plus she, when she released

she recently released a video that is so i mean this this this i think she had a bbl or something oh okay but she like this i mean it's pretty it's pretty cunty literally she has this um she's wearing this leotard that has three inches deep up her vagina and she's really letting it like sachet shantae glimmer on the runway. So hopefully she's bringing that energy to the concert. Otherwise, I will be killing myself. I was going to say, I don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment because of what happened last time. I'm going there with yellow suit, Jim Carrey, the mask in mind.

And then hopefully my expectations will be exceeded because she's really... Last time you had to go to Florida, right? Yeah, Miami. But not even just Miami. Like we spent a day in Miami and then we had to travel like quite a bit to a casino outside of Miami. Girl, it was rotten.

Oh, it was rotten. Well, this time at least she's coming, you know, if it is disappointing, it's a 40 minute ride home, whatever.

It's, it's very, it's very close by in Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I think so. Yeah.

Wow. I know it's, I'm going to be, I'm really interested. Yeah. She in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. I'm not, I think so, yeah. Wow. I know. I'm going to be, I'm really interested. Does she like you? No. I do not believe that she cares for me. Because of Ding Dong? Yes.

So I was telling the Killingsworth folks yesterday, I was like, because our manager asked if like, you know, do you want me to see if you can go backstage? I was like, I don't think that's something that should be interested in. Right. Because I believe, and I could be wrong that ding dong out streamed her on Spotify for boom, boom. But, um, she should be,

she should be honored. Um, I don't, I mean, I bet Amish paradise has more streams than gangster's paradise. Like sometimes the parody does better. And that's, that's part of it.

I think, I don't know that this is true because it's hard to like, the language barrier prevents a lot of like, what's the real tea? But she, I've been told from sources in and around Russia and Ukraine that she's a humorless person. That's tough.

I mean, she really looks like, she's giving detox though. She really has lips. Her lips are like half of her face. It's pretty, it's wild. Good for her. Yeah. Oh, she's giving detox though. She really has lips. Her lips are like half of her face. It's, it's pretty, it's wild. Good for her.

Yeah. Oh, she's hot. She's like, it's crazy. I got to show you this, this video. I mean,

if your, your life and your body's dedicated to like sexuality and pop music. Oh, she's for it. She's bringing it. She's bringing no substitution to going under the knife. She's definitely, she's shades of Naomi Smalls legs,

lips, and that's in like hair down to her butt. It's incredible. It's pretty incredible. Yeah. Yeah of Naomi Smalls. Legs, lips, and hair down to her butt. It's incredible. It's pretty incredible. Yeah, Naomi's everything. Oh, yeah. Yeast infection. She walks in.

The tall, tall, tiny body. Attack of the 50-foot woman. Tall, tall, tiny body. And I feel like she jokes that her legs are long in person. It's not a joke. The proportions are so out of control. She makes you want to lay down and close your eyes and go to sleep. She like, if she came in, she'd be like, what's up, Humpty and Stumpty?

Like, what's up, Humpty, Stumpty, bitch? You like, you troll. Oompa loompa body having ass bitch. Like, it's so hateful. Hateful. What do girls like that? What must they think of us i think that they think we're potato-faced humpty bitches who should go kill themselves no that's the name of the pod i love sometimes when the name of the episode just pops out

i mean oh god but i want to know like what is the what her center of gravity is like it's just so crazy it's just so wild the physics of her body are like unimaginable to me. I mean, it really is like a Bratz doll. Yeah. No, no. It's like, it's like a Barbie doll. Yeah. Because those legs are so, it's crazy.

It's wild. It's wild boots. All right. Well. Happy Easter. Happy Easter. He has sprits and he has sloth. Go, go.

Oh, I can see your eggs from here. Oh, shit. Your country breakfast is ready. Goodbye. Bye.