The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Nicole Kidman Presents: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

We come to this podcast…for magic. We come to Bald to chortle, to weep, to soil ourselves, to hear about Demi Moore's commanding yet disgusting performance in The Substance. Because we need that, all of us, that indescribable feeling we get when the theme music begins to fade, Trixie and Katya's angelic voices materialize, and we are transported to an enchanting place we've never been before; like an inane story about exercising with butt plugs or a trip to Costco to buy forty-eight razors and 7lbs of strawberries. Not just entertained, but somehow reborn, together, spewed from the collective birth canal, covered in amniotic fluid and writhing on the floor like a hairless, newborn gargoyle. We come for the sparkling sounds, words of both surprising wisdom and transcendent stupidity, delivered straight to our auricular orifices like Satan's DoorDash. Sounds that you can feel deep within your vulva. Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place likе this. These forty-five minutes feel like thе best part of our week, and the stories about hot dog launchers and necrophilia feel perfect and powerful. Because here, they are. The Bald and the Beautiful. We sit in chairs and talk. We call it a podcast. The dolls are the dolls. Get your gut going and support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD Happy squatting! Make your fall finances a little greener by working towards your financial goals with Chime! Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today! This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind! If you’re 21+, check out https://bit.ly/viiathebbpod and use code BALD to receive 15% off! After you purchase they ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them we sent you. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with VIIA! To get Mint Mobile's new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's episode of the ball and beautiful brought to you by our friends over at ritual guys it seems like everyone is talking about the gut microbiome these days maybe it's because i'm old and getting older and around is getting older and your body just starts talking louder to you doesn't it but. The truth is we're learning a lot more about the gut microbiome and how it's key to mental health immunity of course digestion you guys digestion. You guys, ever since my autoimmune diagnosis, food and the way my body processes food and nutrients, my God, it is always centered in the discussion. If you're looking for digestive support, Ritual's got your back or rather your biome. With Synviotic Plus, a three-in-one supplement clinically studied pre-pro postbiotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. You guys, I take it with my daily vitamins. You guys know I take our whole handful of vitamins and this was such a easy little one to add. I mean it's like

brainless. I'm taking better care of myself. I don't have to think anything about it. Get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Rituals Symbiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash bald that's 25% off at ritual.com slash bald happy squatting today's episode of bald in the beautiful is brought to you by our friends at mint mobile with big wireless providers what you see is never what you get somewhere between the store in your first month bill the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets with mint mobile you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again.

When Mint Mobile says $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, they mean it, baby. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bald. That's mintmobile.com slash bald. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash bald. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only.

Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been in a coma for the past 30 years, you might not know what a website is, or that we now eat entire salads from that green leafy thing that used to be a decoration on the Sizzler salad bar.

First off, I'd like to welcome you to 2024, where everything is wonderful and the earth is fine. Second, I want to tell you that you need a website right now. Even though you've never surfed the web or stupidly bought a lion costume for your pet Chihuahua at 4 a.m. off of Tmoo, Squarespace is the industry-leading tool where you can make websites for pretty much anything. Need a website to tell the harrowing tale of how you got into your coma? Boom. Squarespace. Need a website to contact other people from that bus you were on that fell off a cliff at Yosemite

in order to start a class action lawsuit? Squarespace has you covered. I think the question that keeps popping up in that coma-ridden head of yours is, how, Squarespace has you covered. I think the question that keeps popping up in that coma-ridden head of yours is, how can Squarespace help me make the website of my dreams? Well, I have an answer for you, Deborah. Squarespace has a massive portfolio of product features for whatever website you're looking to launch. And after you've launched,

let's say you need help with marketing. Squarespace has so many features to help drive sales and engage your audience with creative email campaigns that you'll be filing that lawsuit in no time. And if you have some extra knowledge that you think you can turn into some extra cash, say some detailed information about the netherworld that you inhabited for the past 30 years,

Squarespace can help you post online courses. That's right. Squarespace has all the tools you need to create and sell your very own course and even set it up to be a one-time payment and or subscription. After you write a book about your insane experience over the last three decades, you can make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools.

Accept credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay and offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay. So go ahead and check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hi. Hi! The Bald and the Beautiful Live is coming to several fabulous cities.

Why don't you tell them what they are? Charlotte, St. Louis, Madison, Columbus, all fine cities with beautiful people. And we even added a Madison city, because Wisconsin, I guess, I'm surprised. Not even, they're here for you. That's true, I'm huge in Madison. You are, it's a college town, those guys are horny.

They're horny for this fucking old snatch. Bleh. So please come see us if we don't sell out we'll be horribly embarrassed and we might wander into the forest and never come back. Please come, please come, please come. It's fun, it's fun. Bring kids, bring the wives and the mistresses. We'll have a great time. We go on stage, we sit down, and that's about it. We sometimes we cook a whole bunch of hot dogs and we launch them in the crowd.

Get your tickets at tricksthinkadielive.com. Boom. ["Tricksthinkadielive.com"] Look at my reveal. Do do do do do do do. Tis the season, I don't know when this is gonna air, but we're approaching Halloween time. And I have been debuting a line of incredible bespoke T-shirts courtesy of Michi Stein.

Oh, that's not the one I wanted. You know, I take umbrage with this movie, A, because... Why? I just watched it during the break. Okay. A, the cop lead is not handsome enough. Sorry. Oh, fuck off.

And another thing. I forget what. But straight women love ugly men. They love it. They love it. I just like, I... Yeah. I just like, I... No, uh... Yeah, I...

I... It could be so much better, that movie. It could be so much better. I feel like I could write it better. We could play it better. We could definitely play it better. I would have to be Nicole Kidman, though. Yeah, duh! You'd stick me in that mousy brown wig with those glasses on

and that sexless marriage. You're just staring into the... Staring into the... With the dead husband, just staring. I mean, when they put the lime in the coconut, that's fun. Well, if you and I are them... The sad thing is, by the time we get to make this movie, we're going to be stalker Channing and Dianne Weist. So if you and I are Sandra Bullock, and I'm happy to be Sandy.

I love Sandra Bullock. You have to be Sandy. Have you... wait, you've heard the call of her, the intruder in her house. Yeah. You know, she, I used to live across the street from where she lived. And where were you the night of that? Where were you the night of that?

I was in her house looking for awards. If you and I are the youths, who is our? Should we get Rupal to be our aunts? Oh, the aunts? No, no, no. We get RuPaul? No. Sarah Paulson? No, it's...

No, no, they have to be in our lives. Rip Taylor. Rip Torn. Rip Taylor and Rip Torn. Trinity the Tuck, Rip Taylor. That's who I want. Wait, do you... Have you watched the Matrix movies?

Or the Matrix? Yeah, I've seen the first one for sure. And I've seen the one with the guys with the white dreads. Okay. That's it. Okay. Is that one in three? I don't know which one I saw, but I was watching clips of one, and they had Monica Bellucci in this latex outfit.

And I thought to myself, hmm, if I looked like that, like she looks like that right now, just like her, none of you fucking whores would even have a life to live. Right. Because you'd all be dead from suicide. Cause you would have looked at my smoking hot body, face and hair and said, I don't stand a chance of success in this world.

But she exists in this world. I'm gonna kill myself. But she exists in this world and we're not dead now. But see, that would embody an energy that's a little bit different. I would take it up to the next level. She's holding back, because she doesn't want the world to end, but I wanna see it burn.

Yeah. I felt the same way when I was watching Insidious last night. I said, if I looked like Barbara Hershey. Ooh, love Barbara Hershey. Wikipedia said she's one of the greatest actresses of our time. She is.

Beaches, oh my God. Portrait of a Lady, they said. I've never seen that. She is incredible. Barbara Hershey, she was in Black Swan. Don't like that movie very much. Do you think I'm going to jail if I've never seen Beaches?

No, you're not going to jail. You're going to women's prison. Right. I've gone to Beaches and WeHo. Is that the same thing? That's the same thing. No, but Barbara Hershey, so Barbara Hershey and Ed Bigley Jr.,

you know him? They have a small scene in a new movie called Strange Darling, where they're the only good part of this movie. They're a mountain people, off the grid, kind of conspiracy, whatever. He prepares this breakfast that is so disgusting. It's like 14 eggs with a gallon of syrup in a conspiracy, whatever, he prepares this breakfast that is so disgusting. It's like 14 eggs with a gallon of syrup

and 200 sticks of butter. It's so gross. Piled it up on these plates and they sit down and cross from each other and just smile and look at each other like this. That's the kind of relationship I wanna be in. That is, I was like, that's it. They have cracked the code, that's it.

And then they got brutally murdered. I think that's beautiful. If you ever had a boyfriend, which could happen at this point. I don't think so. Come on. Okay, well, I still. Come on.

Come on. Join us, play with us. It's a May, December romance. May of 2016 and December of 2025, you know? I would date a... Would you date a youngie? Yeah, I think there's like... You're gonna get one of those child...

You're gonna be one of those Vegas child brides, aren't you? No, I don't want a child. They definitely have to know how to drive and have a license. Okay, so 16. No, I would love to date somebody over 50. Can I say, I think you would do very well. Oh no shit.

With an older man. Well here's the thing. Because you get to be baby. I'm, and I'm always baby, and this Di-P is always full. But you're gonna be wrench. Wait, what? You're gonna be so wrench. What's that?

Wrench. But you're gonna be- Diaper check. No, no, no, if you get an old boyfriend, you're gonna be the one with the money. So then you're the young and wrench. No, no, I. Even if you get an old boyfriend, you're gonna be the one with the money, so then you're the young and rich. No, no, I'm not. Nobody's coming for my coins,

because they're not there, first of all. But like, I would love to date... You're not rich. No. I'm in California. You and I have the exact same jobs, and people think I'm rich, so... No, but you have like 14 other jobs, though. And businesses.

And I think you probably saved your money. I didn't. Yeah, well, I mean I have said, I am not, put it this way, I hate when people say this, I'm comfortable. I'm comfortable. That means, like, did you grow up rich? We were comfortable. So you grew up in that.

Well, when people ask if I was poor, I say I was uncomfortable. Yeah. Living... Yeah. Dirty, beaten, and hungry. Dirty, beaten, and hungry, yeah. Um, and we... Um, we got to go back to Nicole Kidman briefly. Um...

The Wigs. We... Not in that movie. No, no, no. Not in Eyes Wide Shut, which I just rewatched. God damn it. Not Practical Magic. Probably. Maybe not.

Maybe not. However, she will not discuss the wiggery. She will not discuss the wigs. People ask her about the wigs or whatever the hair. She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. That's a really un-offensive question. So she doesn't wear wigs. I don't know.

What are you talking about? If I ask you about the wigs. The wigs? I don't weigh wigs. What wigs? I think because she's such a serious actor, that's a character, and that's their hair. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but all people do is ask you and I about our makeup

and our wigs. I know. But Nicole Kidman is interesting because she's so ubiquitous. If you, I don't know if you've noticed, but since 1996, she's been in three motion pictures every single year. And now she's added streaming series to the roster.

So she's not only everywhere. There might be three or four of her walking around at the same time. Maybe Stepford Wives wasn't fake. Maybe they're making her. Nicole Kidman has been in every movie and television show produced by Hollywood for the last 25 years. It's crazy. You love her. I do. I do.

It's getting kind of interesting though because obviously there's a lot of Botox happening. And I don't want to shame people, but I haven't had Botox. I used to get it a lot. You did, yeah. Yeah, and now I haven't had it. You can see all the wrinkles. So like I have a broad expressive register in my face now. Yeah.

I like it. And it's all I notice now when I look at like stars on screen. To me, the big, dead, flat, shiny forehead is like, I don't, you look youthful. And no, you don't. You just look touched. No, you don't. You look strange.

You're like othered. You know what I mean? And also, like, when people are fucking with facelifts, not just... I don't want to single out Nicole Kidman, but like, aging stars, things go lateral because it's a stretch. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It's a stretch.

And it gets a little kooky. Girl, are you gonna get something done? I mean, are you kidding me? I'm gonna get chopped up beyond recognition. Girl. I'm gonna look like fucking Mickey Rourke. Uh-uh. Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Rourke stretched over a boulder in a stream in Colorado. If I was gonna get work done... You're going to. Because we're going to make you do it. You're going to be pressured. I don't think I would ever transition because I've never felt female. I don't feel female. I don't want to be identified as female. I don't want to be she, her. I don't want to live as a woman.

But if I ever got the surge for the career, it would be at neck-cracking speed. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Surge for the career, it would be at neck cracking speed. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Surge for the career. I would say yes. To be younger? What are you talking about? The breasts. The orchiectomy?

I wouldn't want to... The orchiectomy? This is what I would do. Taking the balls out? I wouldn't want to mess up the illusion of being male. I think I look male. I think I'm one of the last... You think you're going to walk around, you're going to go to Planet Fitness in a training bra or a sports bra with double G?

No, but boys don't cry it. Oh my God. I'm going to wrap them. You're going to bind your implants? I'm going to bind my implants. You can just wear it. No, you wear a tight white t-shirt that says, stop looking at my tits, I'm a man. Damn.

Or why don't I... you know what I should do? Get him on the back. And then from the front, I'm always, you know, hey, I'm just a regular, are you just a regular guy? Yes, I am. And then when I want to do drag, I just turn around, put the lipstick on the back of my bald head and walk backwards.

Turn the wig around. I say, hello. Well, there's a great moment, spoiler alert, in the substance where one of the characters pukes up a breast in front of people. Shit. Mama, you gotta see this movie. It ises up a breast in front of people. Shit. Mama, you gotta see this movie. It is so crunked turn and lit. Shit.

Lit. Lit. Shit. Do you know Margaret Qualley? Margaret Qualley is the daughter of Andy McDowell. And she's a very hot and in demand actress at the moment. She's been in a lot of great films. She's in this movie as well. And she's married to Jack Antonoff. They have a child together.

And she's really good friends with Lana Del Rey. How do I know all this? Because I'm kind of obsessed with her. Okay. She's fierce. She's very fierce. What's the earliest movie you remember seeing that you were like, this turned me out?

Oh, um, Candyman. Really? Yeah. Also, Candyman was scary as fuck, man. You know, Freddie keeps fucking me up, girl. Girl, Freddie is scary. He was in my motherfucking dream. So I had a fabulous dream that I watched,

2001 Space Odyssey. I had the most vivid, wonderful dream when I was on a space station with Scorny Weaver. It was like an alien crossover. And we were all, like, kind of like, we were doing things with airlock. It was very specific, and I knew what I was doing, and we had a camaraderie. And then, like, kind of like, we were doing things with airlock. It was very specific and I knew what I was doing and we had a camaraderie.

And then like, and then it got lucid where I was aware of it, I was dreaming. And then Freddy fucking showed up and it scared the shit out of me. And I- Freddy in space. Girl, he really fucks me up. He is, he's still scared of me.

Welcome to space bitch. Yeah. You know, welcome to prime. Yeah, cause he gets under your skin. He knows the thing about you. He's gonna tailor your death to your most, um... What did he call you bald? No, he just like...

He's gonna get me. And I know, in a dream... He just gets me. Like, he can appear anywhere. You know, like, Jason's a fucking lumbering oaf. Michael Myers, he ain't shit. You know, like, he can't even run. But Freddie can turn into your mom,

your nurse, your lover, your bedspread. He could even be that dildo you're shoving up your ass. Right. Right. Let's take a break. Yeah. ["The Ballin' Beautifuls Theme"] Today's episode of The Ballin' Beautifuls

brought to you by our friends over at Ritual. Guys, it seems like everyone is talking about the gut microbiome these days. Maybe it's because I'm old and getting older and everyone around me is getting older and your body just starts talking louder to you, doesn't it? But the truth is we're learning a lot more about the gut microbiome and how it's key to mental health, immunity, and of course digestion. You guys ever since my autoimmune diagnosis,

food and the way my body processes food and nutrients, my God, it is always centered in the discussion. If you're looking for digestive support, rituals got your back, or rather your biome. With Synviotic Plus, a three-in-one supplement clinically studied pre-pro postbiotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. You guys, I take it with my daily vitamins. You guys know I take a whole handful of vitamins and this was such an easy little one to add. I mean, it's like brainless. I'm taking better care

of myself. I don't have to think anything about it. It seems like everything's connected to your gut microbiome. I mean, do you even know the difference between prebiotics, probiotics, postbiotics? I mean, they sound similar, but it's very fascinating how they work together. So probiotics contain the live microorganisms themselves, the kind that make up a flourishing microbiome. Prebiotics contain the nutrients that the microorganisms need. And postbiotics are natural byproducts that support the gut barrier. So it's like a whole spiel.

With Symbiotic Plus and Ritual, you get all three in one in a clinically studied supplement to support a balanced microbiome with daily use. In a study that modeled the human colon symbiotic plus increased the growth of beneficial bacteria and microbial diversity. You guys, let me tell you this is something that you take for granted every day when your digestive system is going well. And when it's not, oh baby, oh baby, do you remember better days? You guys I love it because all my little

like immune medicines I'm on and like immune systems of presence I'm on I'm always trying to like regulate and like figure out and balance everything else going on my body and I love it because it's like idiot proof and honestly when it comes to taking care of myself I'm not always the most responsible so a three in one wanted like it's so easy for me. Get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Rituals Symbiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash bald. That's 25% off at ritual.com slash bald. Happy squatting. Today's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Chime. You guys, I'm a little sick so I can't do the little girl. I'm sorry. She'll probably sound like a little, like a, like, it sounds like she's on death's door,

so we can't do the little girl today. But I want to tell you guys, talk about a time it was serious to get ready with your finances here. Like, during my break, you guys, I did a full overhaul. I did something I think we all fantasize about, which is to go through all my bank accounts, my cards, my credit cards, and like look at every single charge and be like, what's going on? What's the last big purchase I made? You know, what is my credit score? Like, what debt do I have? How quickly am I paying it off? I mean, it was just a time where I was like, it's the time to get serious. Previously, my strategy

was just to work as much as I can, and then hope I have enough money for everything all the time. But I think it was time in my life to get serious when the money moves and taking control of my finances by using a Chime checking account with features like no maintenance fees, fee fee overdraft up to $200, getting paid two days early with direct deposit. I mean, I'm gonna be honest, there was a time in my life where being able to get paid two days early

would have changed everything for me. Oh my God, like talk about convenient because sometimes that first of the month does not happen on a Friday. Learn more at chime.com slash bald. You guys, when I was in college, I remember I was a sophomore and I was with a certain bank. I won't say who it is, but it's a regional bank in the Midwest. And I was overdrafting and my bank certainly was not proactive about letting me know. And so I was so deep in overdrafts and didn't even realize it really messed me up. And I remember calling the bank and crying and being like, if I didn't have enough money for that purchase, what makes you think I have enough money for all these overdraft fees?

I mean, but Chime is a financial institution with a sense of community. Chime will allow you to overdraft up to $200 with no fees. You guys, that would have changed my life. I remember at that particular bank, the overdraft fee was $35. Oh my gosh. React up quick, honey. CHIME helps you make progress

with a fee-free overdraft up to $200. Your next deposit is applied to your balance. Get spotted on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. No monthly fees or maintenance fees, which I think is made up, so that's great. Over 50,000 fee-free ATMs. Spot me is amazing. Spot you up to $200,

and your next deposit is applied to your negative balance. It pays its own little bill. Make your fall finances a little greener by working towards your financial goals with Chime. Open your account in two minutes at chime.com slash bald. That's Chime.com slash bald. Chime feels like progress, baby. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank, NA or Stride Bank, NA members of the FDIC. SpotMe eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in SpotMe and are subject to monthly limits. Terms and

conditions apply. Go to Chime.com slash disclosures for details. I gotta, speaking of a dream, you know how I'm psychic? Yes. And the psychic occurrences continue to occur. And the other day I had a dream that I was in a dream with my mom. In the dream I was like, you know mom, I'm in your dream. And she was like, yeah, you're in my dream.

What's up with that? I was like, I don't know, I'm just in your dream. So I called Val and I said, mom, last night I had a dream. I was in a dream with you. And I always think I'm psychic and I really feel Mom, last night I had a dream. I was in a dream with you. And I always think I'm psychic. And I really feel like I was in your dream. Did you have a dream that I was in your dream? And she said, no.

Okay. I was going to say, honor, you're leading the witness. And then she said, no. And then she said, I have to go. Who the fuck is this? That's Val. That's my mom. I visited my mom last time I saw my mom in Wisconsin.

Mom, she doesn't listen to this pot. I don't care what she thinks. Girl, that bitch is a fucking kid. That bitch thinks I'm in state pen. I went into her house and she was sitting in the kitchen pissed off and I said, Val, what's going on? She said, your sister. You call your mom Val?

Yeah, sometimes. Really? Val, what's going on? She said, wait, you call your mom Val? Yeah, sometimes. Really? Val, what's going on? She said, your sister got me weed. It's not very strong. So I have to smoke so much of it just to get a little high. And I said, well, aren't you also on a pain pill? She said, that don't do nothing.

Damn, Val. Yep. And then later, later she walked out on the three season porch and instead of coming out to give me a hug to say bye, she just tapped on the screen and said, I'm gonna go back inside. That's all I got. Love that shit.

Get you a mom who does both or neither. Or neither. Is she mom? Is she val? Either way, she's not interested. Oh, she is non plus. She cracks me up. Not pluck. But like I said, when I see people like people who are in entertainment like us and their moms are

up their ass, I think I told you that when I saw Troy Savant's tour, his mom and dad toured with them and they would stand in the front row every night and listen to him sing that song, Bloom, about his butthole. I don't need all that. I don't need Val front row saying, I loved when you talked about the time you thought you had HIV and had to go get tested the next morning. Oh, my mom. That's why, well, because we're going to Providence soon-ish,

Providence, Rhode Island, which is close to where my parents live. And they were like, oh, we could drive down and see the show. I was like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. And they understood. They came to see Tricks and Codgill Live, which I think is more.

That's like a theater show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They was like, oh, look at us singing and dancing, whatever. This is like being rotted and gutted and off the cuff. And it's like, don't come. This is, you don't need, you know, don, yeah. There was like, oh, look at us singing and dancing, whatever. This is like being rotted and gutted and off the cuff. And it's like, don't come. This is, you don't need, you know, don't come. Why had somebody come to the pod for the first time recently and they had to explain on the phone what we do.

And the person on the line was like, what do they do on stage? And I heard them say, but they just go and they, there's chairs and they just, they walk out and they, they'll sit and then they'll kind of talk. And then they'll stand up and turn around the people clap and they go, my God. I know. It's not right, but it's okay.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mary, so are these other drag queens. My new favorite thing is the way the other drag race queens are like, when they see us, when they see us perform, when they see us out in the wild, they're like, you and Katya, you just, you just do what you do, girl. You just out there doing your thing, girl. It's like, they're in the Olympics

and we're in the Pee-wee league. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're like, they've been drafted. They're like, have a contract and we're doing like- Is it called squirt football? I don't know. Squirt football. The kids?

No. Isn't it called squirt? It's not called squirt. Pee-wee squirt? Pee-wee squirt football? I don't know. Squirt. The kids? No. Isn't it called squirt? It's not called squirt. Peewee squirt? Peewee. It's that. That's not right. That's what got Peewee arrested. No, I play squirt basketball.

Squirt. No, it's not squirt. Ain't nobody squirting. Is it squirt? Squirth. Squirm. Squirt. Oh.

It's squirt. I thought it was squirt. It's not pee. I play Peewee squirt. No, you're getting your wires crossed. It's not pee, it's squirt. It's squirt. I thought it was squirt. I play pee with squirt. No, you're getting your wires crossed. It's not pee, it's squirt is a thing. That's a separate thing. It's not pee.

Have you ever seen that bit of that woman? Have I ever seen that video? You know what I do? Do I have eyeballs that look at the phone? You know what I do when I'm doing myself? I squirt. I put the pillow between my legs and I press. I squirt.

And then the pillow's all yellow from the. It's st- People are eating. Remember when we had that lovely... Annie. We had Annie. She told us that so much of female ejaculation is naturally a part of it is urine. Also male semen part of it's urine. But she said when you watch porn a lot of times the girls are faking it and she watches

it and she can tell, oh, that's just them peeing and pretending to cum. Yeah. I was, I mean, I just them peeing and pretending to cum. Yeah. I was, I mean, I recently saw this porno that drove me. I was so, it was such a strange feeling because I was like laughing and incredulous, but also obviously wanting to get off and horny. It was like a very- So you're jerking and laughing?

I had to pause because these things like- Are you walking Phoenix the Joker? Mama. Ain't nobody jerking into that. Honey, let's give it up to the terrifying housing the Joker at the box office. Ooh, ooh. Well, baby, we got Battle of the Clowns, Battle of the Clowns. Uh, uh.

Did you watch the first Joker? No. I know it was made over a billion dollars. It did. It was the most highest grossing R rated picture ever. I believe. What? Yeah. And incredible broke all these. I want to see it now. It was very well received, well liked and well reviewed. The insoles liked it. So that made me feel like I shouldn't watch it. Well, no, yeah, there was some stupid media blitz, you know, that it was going to like have some effect. It was some stupid antiquated like

video games are killing your kids, you know, that kind of thing. Inspired people to do crime, whatever. Well, I thought it was like the guys who are like, mad that women won't fuck them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, this character's the hero. It's gonna rile up the incels and they're gonna do what?

Get out of their grandma's basement and try to fuck you? Well, that was like in... Shave their neckbeard? Watchmen. Rorschach? Sure. The character's written to be like, really conservative and right- wing and bad social skills,

bad hygiene. And a lot of people who read that are like, he's the hero of the story. You think he's the inward diva. You know what I mean? But Miss Joker part de folie de, honey, she got whacked. She got whacked at the box office.

Why did people like it? Because I think it was a bad shitty kind of film. I think it was a bad shitty kind of film. I think it was a, despite the very talented efforts of Miss Gaga and Phoenix, it was a flop. Tina of magnetic, of huge proportions. I will see it for the Gaga. I have to. I would watch Gaga do basically anything. I'm that kind of Stan, lifelong Stan.

But you know whether or not that movie sucks? She's going to wear that little clown outfit until they announce the Oscars. Sweetie, she ain't... Honey, she's going to show up as a mime at shit and be like... Mama, nobody's collecting nothing for Joker part two with the Oscars, okay?

You heard it here first. And Miss Terrifier's coming down the hall, and she's got a chainsaw and going right up your ass. Oh, yeah. That movie was, I think, a $2 million budget, and she was like $15 million over the weekend. It's crazy. That is disgusting.

Why do people want to watch that? Mama, I saw a preview of it in the Egyptian with Joseph Sheppard. Everybody was, we were all sick and disgusting. The guy came out before the picture started. He was like, welcome everybody. This movie is really fucking gross. And I mean it. I wanna just really, really kinda just let you know that this movie is disgusting.

I'm gonna say it again, just so that we're clear. What you're about to see is so fucking gross and so nasty that if you think you might wanna leave, you should plan your exit. What do you like about it? Well, the first two films are trash. They were bad. You liked them.

No, no, no, no. I watched them. You loved Terrifier 2. You asked me if I've seen it like every day for months. I loved it ironically. I mean, as a film, if we're talking critically, as a film, it's very bad. It's horribly paced, it's badly acted,

it's way too long, yada, yada, y gotta. If we were Roger, rogerebert.com. We are. Pauline Manola Dargis or whatever the fuck her name is. Paulina Portescova. Yes, yes! Yeah, Elle MacPherson from The New York Times. It's a bad movie. And the first one is almost unwatchably bad.

This is watchable because it's tighter, it's scarier, the acting is better, and the gore is cranked up to a level hitherto unseen by human eyeballs. Mama, it's so gratuitous, it's not even the word. I can't watch it like that. We start with hacking up a child off screen, because it's Christmas, it's a Christmas movie.

I'm a changed woman. Okay. I used to love, like, Saw and shit like that. Well, Saw's a little bit different, because Saw is based in reality. That is the human world. This is a, this character, the clown, there's a supernatural element to it. So, and it's so over the top, it's like, um,

it's like a splatter film, where saw is torture porn. I would characterize that different. Hostel is trying to emulate or simulate reality very closely. Right? So when a woman is getting slashed open and she's bathing in her blood, we're meant to believe that that is a real woman in Romania doing that.

It's like, ugh, I hate that. But when the clown comes into the shower stall with a chainsaw and the people fucking in the shower get chopped up. Am I okay to just see three? Do I have to watch one and two? You absolutely do not. I would recommend not watching one and two.

Okay, great. I wanna watch it with you. Because Mateo loves it too. I wanna watch it with you. I think the three of us, four of us need to sit down and watch the Terrifier 3. Because if you watch it home alone, you're a psychopath. Well, Matteo says the kids are, the people at home are mad

because children get killed by the monster. Oh yeah, but they don't, that was the big question going into this because they were like, okay, obviously, like in the first one, a woman gets sawed in half from the pussy to the crown of the head. Uh-huh. Okay, so that's the level of gore we're talking about. And the envelope gets pushed and pushed and pushed, and everybody was wondering, okay, it's Christmas,

the trailer has a kid in it, are we gonna see a child getting murdered? Spoiler, you don't see. Oh. Necessarily. But what you do see is so fucking crazy. It's so, it's so wild. And after every big set piece kill scene,

the audience would erupt in applause. It's fierce. It was such a great experience seeing the movie. I was reading something about why we like to watch people murder in movies, get murdered. And they said it's because in movies, whenever people get murdered, their death gets an entire sequence leading up to it. Leading up to it, the murder, which means everyone in the movies death means something.

And we as people like imagining that our deaths will mean something. Isn't that interesting? I mean, I like the, I rewatched Saw 10. I think the only Saw movie that I actually like. Is that the one with the time jump? No, it's the revenge one. He gets bamboozled by the fake medical team. And then he's like, oh my God. I didn't watch it.

Oh, it's fierce, because it's a straight up revenge. I can't watch that shit, girl. Okay. I can't. No, I know. Yeah. That one is pretty brutal, too. I can't watch that shit anymore. Yeah.

The world got fucked up enough that now I'm like, I can't. I can't do. That one is pretty brutal too. I can't watch that shit anymore. Yeah. The world got fucked up enough that now I'm like, I can't. I can't do biting nipples or nipple torture. That's where I draw the line. I gotta watch like, not Care Bears, but I gotta watch like Extreme Cheapskates, like coupon moms, like I love a coupon-er. Girl.

You need a serious fluff. I watch videos of women getting getting up to the register. The moms, it's usually women, the couponers. I'm not gendering, but it's usually moms. It's usually moms whose their love for couponing came from having to stretch a dollar, which I think is amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

And a lot of these coupons, you can stack the store offer with the brand. Like Gillette is giving you a deal and pick and save is giving you a deal. And you have dollars that you can roll over. You're stacking. These whores get up there. And if one of their Koopas doesn't scan, it's like their whole family has been murdered. The tears start, they're looking at the camera going, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It's all just been for nothing. It's crazy. It's wild. And then eventually they're like, oh wait, I'm sorry, you just had it upside down and then it's all works out and then but the horny part is $1,000 in groceries. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. I recently had dinner with the president of the Tarot Card Readers Association of Greater Los Angeles and we had a very interesting conversation. Gielzabub St. James told me that they live much of their life based on the teachings of Forrest Gump. Life very much mimics that of a box of chocolates, meaning you never know what you're going

to get. And while life is chaotic and there are actually times when crapshoots and risks are okay, there are many other times when they're not okay, such as those that involve your health care. So if I may return to the box of chocolates metaphor, life is indeed like a box of chocolate, but ZocDoc is like that one brand of chocolates who prints the type of chocolate on the underside of the lid. So while you're exposed to the beautiful variety of chocolate that life provides, you can pick and choose exactly what is right for you.

I think that Gielzbub St. James would very much agree with the statement that finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crap shoot. That's where ZocDoc comes in. ZocDoc is the best place to find and book doctors who specialize in the specific field of medicine you need, whether that be inside or outside that mysterious body of yours. You can filter for doctors who take your specific insurance, who are located close to your home if you're like me and hate to drive, and most importantly, who are highly rated by real-life verified patients.

You can also see their real-time appointment openings, choose a time that works for you, and click to instantly book a visit. ZocDoc appointments happen very fast, sometimes within just 24 to 72 hours of booking, and sometimes you can even score same-day appointments. The best part though, ZocDoc is free. You can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. With ZocDoc, you've got more options than you know. I love ZocDoc because I develop a new rash somewhere on my body almost every day. So I need to find a good local doctor wherever I may be.

I wanna see verified reviews by actual patients and I wanna see them quickly and easily. ZocDoc helps me find the best doctor in my area and book them fast. If I can find a great doctor, so can you. And all because of ZocDoc. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash bald to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z O C D O C dot com slash bald. ZocDoc.com slash bald.

Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Viya. Hi, it's me, Trixie Mattel, professional calm person and professional relaxer. You know, I just went on my long sabbatical that all of you know about, and I thought a lot about what my strategies might be when I do come back to work, to how to make sure like I don't end up in the same level of stress and make sure that I know exactly how and when to like, you know, relax and like get myself in the right space to chill. And now we're all about to start the holiday stuff. And that's about to be like a whole rattle, you know. Although I

really recommend online shopping, save yourself the drama. Okay. But you know, even that give yourself a little break from the stress. You know, last year, I hosted holidays for the first time, I had to be the one who cooked everything and did the tree and like it, it wore me out. I don't know how our parents all did it, but I know how we can do it. Restore your zen and embrace the natural power of cannabis this holiday season with VIA. This holiday season unwind and recharge with VIA,

whether you're just chilling at home or kind of getting into the vibe, sometimes going to a holiday party, you know, somewhere you have to be a little social bias premium THC and THC free gummies will help you find the perfect holiday balance. This is my favorite thing to do when I'm going to like a function where I want to be a little social and bubbly, but I want to make sure I go to bed and sleep really good and don't wake up tired It's like perfect when you think via they're known for you know Award-winning THC THC free gummies and vapes THC a flower soothing topicals calming drops The topicals especially you guys know what my arthritis that type of stuff has been a complete like game-changer for me

All crafted with highest quality hemp sourced from trusted, independently owned American farms. And the best part is, VIA legally ships to nearly all states in the U.S. in discrete packaging directly to your door with a worry-free guarantee. No medical card required. If you're 21 plus, check out our link to VIA's website in our description. You use the code BALD for 15% off. You guys, just personally, I cannot tell you with like, you know, the stress and work and holiday stuff,

I'm always trying to drink less and I'm always so grateful when I opt for like some kind of THC gummy or something and then I have a great evening, sleep like a baby, and wake up refreshed instead of that complete death rattle of a hangover experience that I get from, you know, shots with the girls. If you're like a super health hippie dippy like me, the products are also free from harsh

pesticides or nasty chemicals on the American farms that they're created. This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind. If you're 21 plus, check out the link to Viya in our description and use the code bald to get 15% off. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This holiday season enhance your everyday with Viya. Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Mint Mobile. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store

and your first month bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again when mint mobile says $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan they mean it baby say bye-bye to overpriced wireless plans jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages you guys they'll really gag you down at the phone companies they will really gag you down at the mobile plans honey mint mobile is here to rescue with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest

5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your own phone number along with all your existing contacts. That is the toughest part, right? Ditch overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile's deal and get three months of premium wireless service $15 a month. To get this new customer offering your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bald.

That's mintmobile.com slash bald. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash bald. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Did I tell you about Costco?

You did! You fucking bitch! Did I tell you about it? You called me, this whore called me about it. She had just discovered a wholesale Sam's Club. Finally, it has happened to me. Let me tell you about Ralph's. Buying in bulk.

Trader Joe's ain't shit. Airman garbage. Ralph's pick and save trash. Whole Foods feces. Costco. I went to the Costco. Yeah. In...

We got Costco, we got Sam's Club, we got BJ's. In Hamburg, Kentucky. Okay. I went to the Costco. Now, what are you buying in bulk, bitch? Baby. I went in thinking... Baby oil? Dildos? I thought, I'm just gonna get a couple items.

Then you got 682 dildos. Okay, imagine the compulsive buying of Target, but everything comes in value packs. No, I know what Costco is. Do you want hand lotion? Here's your gallon. You know what I mean? No, here's a palette.

You buy things by the palette, and they're shrink-wrapped. But it's cunty. No, it is cunty. I mean what I mean? No, here's a palette. You buy things by the palette and they're shrink wrapped. But it's cunty. No, it is cunty. I mean, I wonder what... Razors? Okay, let me tell you something. At CBS, the Gillette razors, a pack of what? Eight? Because it's four in a pack. A pack of eight razors is $30?

No, no. So Gillette razors, for my Mach 3 refills, if I want four of them, it's $162. If you get 12 of them, it's only $438. So you save about 50 cents. Can I tell you? At Costco, a pack of 18 Gillette Mach 3 razors. How much? $19.

I don't believe that. For 18, I got two. I will have razors for 36 sessions for $20 times two. 18. I got two. I will have razors for 36 sessions for $20 times two. It's so wet. If you had a coupon, you would have flooded that place. I don't think they'll let you do come out to Costco, right? No, no. You can get tires. You can get a $1.50 hot dog. I got tires. I got lube. I got ramen and I got towels for the bathroom. The only problem is like, if what you like, what you get, you better like it.

Well, three bags of raisin brand, three bags of 42 years of age. I think I know what I like. Right. You know what I mean? Mozzarella sticks for the air fryer. Forty eight of them. Air fryer, air fryer. Do I need to get in front? Do I need to get an air fryer? Air fryer tita.

Do I need to fry the air? You know, people who say it changed their life, I think they must live a very sad life. It should end. Yeah. But I think it is cool. My brother-in-law air fries turkeys. Like the air fryer changed my life.

I know there's like- Buddhism can change a life. Yes! Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Scientology. An air fryer changed my life. I know there's like... Buddhism can change a life. Yes! Do you know what I mean? Scientology. An air fryer? Joining a cult can change a life. Girl.

Coupons can change a life. But there are some caveats to Costco. You gotta have a membership. Yes, and what is that membership exactly? Girl don't know, I brought a friend's. And the other problem is, some of the stuff you just need one. Like what?

Like there was onions. One toilet paper? Onions. Oh, you're not buying food in bulk. And I was like,. Like what? Like there was onions. One toilet paper? Onions. Oh, you're not buying food in bulk. And I was like, shit, I had to get 10 onions. You're not buying food in bulk. So then I'm Googling how to use 10 onions. You can't buy perishables in bulk.

I did. Are you disaster planning? And I would do it again. Strawberries? That is the worst thing to buy. In bulk, they go rotten in 18 minutes. But like a thing of strawberries like this, ate it in like two days. Mama, you got diarrhea.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This diarrhea. But Costco was awesome and... I'd have to buy toilet paper in bulk because I'd be shitting my brains out. Yes. Do you use toilet paper still? Yeah.

Well, this summer, where I was staying, it was a very fancy bidet, heated seat, a light that turned on at night, a butthole dryer, and a sprayer for the front and the pussy. Wait, the back and the pussy. Which was really nice. And at home I have the... And she sounded like Scarlett Johansson when she talked.

She's like, you're clean now, Brian. What's the one? Tushy. I have tushy at the studio. I like that. T clean now, Brian. What's the one? Tushy hair. Tushy. I have tushy at the studio, I like that. Tushy, that was confusing me, because I recently canceled, or tried to cancel a subscription to tushy.com,

which is a porn site. It's an anal porn site. Girls getting fucked up with the butt, and they got a bundle with Blacked, and they got a Vixen. It's a whole thing. Is Blacked what I think it is? Yeah, yeah. It's um...

Goth. Yes. Yes. But they, I gotta tell you briefly, brief segue or non-segwitter. The dazzling 4K crystalline image of these sexual acts is just... You gotta be hot now in porn, because the cameras are HD.

And you better get those Gillettes from Costco. And you better get that smoothing bomb and aftershave from Costco. You think of Costco? No, because that fucking... James Cameron's got his fucking lens right up that snatched, getting pounded mercilessly by a big fat dong in the blazing sunshine of Capri. Right. Crazy, crazy.

So Costco was lit. The other place that was really lit, really lit, was Buc-ee's. What the fuck is Buc-ee's? It's like Chuck E. Cheese. Oh my God, the hat too, you know, and the, oh my God, this is, it's like Chuck E. Cheese. Oh my God, the hat too. You know, in the, oh my God. This is, it's like. Do you think I just fell out of a coconut tree?

What the fuck is this? So it's a, like kind of like a truck stop. You know what that is. You used to stop trucks. Yeah. Stop traffic. You're dangling my wheel. Your drag stops traffic now. Ten car pile-up.

Long legs. Mama, those legs were not long or good. You liked long legs? I watched it, loved it, watched it twice. I hated it. I loved it. It didn't give you nothing. That Silence of the Lambs and fucking Seven

and fucking David Lynch didn't do 10 times better. I hated her. Those legs were shitty and nasty. And Miss Osgood Perkins can suck my wiener. Damn. Sorry. Sorry. Go ahead.

You know what? Buc-ee's, Buc-ee's, Buc-ee's. Well, it's like a giant, giant, I've heard about it from my friend, my friend's from Buffalo, and he always had a Buc-ee's shirt on, and I was like, what's Buc-ee's? And he was always telling me about it.

And then on Trixie Motel, one of the camera people had a Buc-ee's like attire and was telling us about it. And, but it's not everywhere. It's a giant truck stop, giant convenience store with, it's almost like a Target. It's a supermarket. It's like, it's like everything mart. Like, do you want peanuts?

We have 46 kinds. You want every type of Gatorade in every size. Gum, slushies. Cigarettes, of course. Sandwiches, cigarettes. I mean, hot foods. Hot foods. Soup.

Clothes. Clothes, games, gadgets. Oh, charcuterie boards. I mean... DVDs? Skillets, cast iron skillets. DVDs? I don't think DVDs.

Camping equipment, coolers. Guns? I don't think guns. But it was really awesome. I went twice, and they have the cleanest restrooms in America. equipment, coolers. Guns? I don't think guns. But it was really awesome. I went twice and they have the cleanest restrooms in America. They boast very clean restrooms.

That's a ballsy boast. It was very clean. That's a ballsy boast. I have to tell you what happened. In that restroom? I have to tell you what happened to me. It's so bad. It's so bad.

It's so bad. Holy shit. Okay. I killed so bad. It's so bad. Holy shit. Okay. I killed a guy that fucked his dead body. No. Me and my friends hit his body, then the next summer he came back to kill us with a hook. No. I went to the bathroom.

And... Is this a poopy story? Okay, no. Can I just say, and this is part of gay fear, when I go to the restroom, when I have to... I have to squirt... You worry about Harry Connick Jr. strangling you? Not so much. I worry that other men are going to think because I'm

looking at their dicks. So when I go to stand at the urinal, I'm almost like, you do the urinal? Don't look. You know that moment in The Walking Dead where Carol kills that little girl, and she's like, just look at the flowers? That's me.

I'm peeing. I'm like, just look at the flowers. Oh, me, I'm peeing. I'm like, just look at the flowers. Oh, I love the wallpaper in here. Oh, the ceiling. So I wasn't really looking down. This was a full restroom. This is so bad. The guys, I'm-

I'm grivoted. I'm- It's shocking. I'm seated for this. Let's just say, I thought all of that pee was going in the urinal. Isn't that horrible? And so I'm just not gonna elaborate. You pissed all over the floor. Everywhere, all over. Youinal. Isn't that horrible? And so I'm just not gonna elaborate.

You pissed all over the floor. Everywhere, all over. You didn't... Isn't that horrible? You flooded that fucking bathroom with piss. You put people in it. Isn't that horrible? You shininged with piss.

Not a lot, kind of a lot. But more than you should, which is any. Do you know what I mean? So it's all over your legs and your feet and everybody else's feet? I'm not gonna give further details, but I'm just saying, even if you're gay, and you're- What does this have to do with being gay? Because I'm afraid if I look down, or like somebody's gonna think I'm looking at them.

Look down? Is there, is there, is this like a wall with no divider? There was no divider. What? Yeah, I don't know, I can't explain. First of all, that's, okay, I went into, I visited a pissoir exactly one time in Paris. A pissoir?

A pissoir. P-I-S-S-O-I-R. It's a round fucking trough that everybody pisses in the round. I... Is this gay? No! It's disgusting. It's French. It's not gay, it's French.

It's a pissoir. And in many disgusting European venues, I have, or like public bathrooms, whatever, that is like a wall of the urinal. And there's like a divot and it goes, you know, with no dividers. That to me is unconscionable, unbelievable. Like the way that we flop so hard on restrooms

as a society, as humans, is just flagrant and abusive. Yeah. Stalls, period. Stalls, period. Just a stall. Only stalls. Just do stalls. No, no urinals. Why urinals? No, no, no. Why urinals?

Because it's just, because men are designing and in control and in charge and then constructing these things. They're like, Well, you know, they don't be in them wood or hat or shit, whippin' in under some day. because men are designing and in control and in charge and then constructing these things. They're like, well, you know, they don't be in them wood or hat and they're just whipping in under some days. But even with urinals, why not doors? Why not privacy? Well, I have never,

so we were at the airport the other day and I had to use the restroom very badly. Now I am extremely pea shy and I've been known to go, forced to use a urinal with a divider, bladder full, ready for infection, like on the verge of death, dialysis, and still can't get it out because I'm aware of those people around me. The only trick I know, I put on my headphones, noise canceling, and then blast a song. I can't hear shit. I can't

hear shit. I cannot hear anything. I don't know if I'm farting too. It doesn't matter. It does not matter. I could be shitting myself. It doesn't, it's, you know, it's none of my business. Cause I can't hear it. Wait, are you standing or sitting? I'm shitting in the urinal. No, I'm standing at the urinal.

But I will... Imagine the image of me shitting with headphones on at the urinal. Girl, standing at the urinal with headphones on loud as fuck shitting yourself, the whole back of your pants just swelling. No, you have the, the butt hole is propped at the, at the end of the urinal. And you're like, you go flush it like that. And then you just wiggle out. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying I look for a stall. If there are none is vacant. First of all, I't wait in a line. You know how sometimes if a large flight de-planes and then the bathroom gets flooded, there's a line? I won't wait in that line. I'm going on to the next bathroom. I'm trying again.

I'm trying to find a less populated bathroom. I'm going to the family restroom, I'm going to lay down. I'm going to the all fucking gender bathroom, bitch. Why don't they have the all gender bathroom? I don't know, because know because men are creeps. Because oh I think... Because the men are at home googling watch the girl pee porn. I don't know but it's the fact it just I I can't I don't like pissing with other people.

Right. I don't like that. Well especially when some of them apparently can't pee in the urinal. Yeah. Can't. What's wrong with me? I think also- I've never done, in 35 years, I've never peed on the floor at a public restroom.

I guess maybe everyone has to have an accident once. Yeah. Humiliating. Yeah, no, there have been accidents. No one noticed. Still humiliating. Yes, it is humiliating. Because also-

Let's be honest, there's often wet spots in the bathroom on the floor. I'm sure about the first one. Honey, this is what I do. Let me tell you something. You might not want to shake your hands if you meet me in real life, because this story will tell you why. You know how you held my hand last episode for quite a long time?

Let this, chew on this for a second. I go into a stall. If there's piss everywhere on the seat or whatever, I clean it up. I like that. But then I pissed all over it to bring it back to where it was. This is such a... No, I really...

I do clean it up. Do you remember that story about me peeing on the floor in drag? That also happened. You peed on the floor? But you remember this? This was a few years ago. I was on a press tour and I had to sit to pee in drag.

Because of all the tights and stuff, I couldn't really feel what was what. And I think my, remember I peed all over the floor and in drag, I got on the floor and cleaned it up with paper towels and someone walked in and saw me and I said, someone peed on the floor. I've told you this like 10 times. Isn't that horrible?

I cannot stand, like I should, I think guns should be legal so someone can shoot me. True. They are. We're in Burbank and there's a gun story literally about 1500 feet down the road. Girl, can I tell you? I spent a lot of my break, you know, watching the news and stuff. And then I went to Wasauke, Wisconsin, where I'm from, just a couple weeks ago. And I spent the whole week up north in Wisconsin.

And you know, it was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. But I spent a lot of my break in the South, and I guess I thought the South is always more conservative. I never saw more Trump signs and more conservative shit than my hometown in Wasauke. It was so devastating and sick to drive around and be like, damn, damn, damn!

I know who lives there and damn, you know what I mean? I know these people in this town. I'm like, oh, oh, I know her. Oh, God, her yard, you know? You know, I know these people in this town. I'm like, oh, oh, I know her. Oh God, her yard, you know? You know, I'm also, I'm kind of like flummoxed by the, just the act of like putting up signs. Well, a Harris sign is always normal size. The Trump sign is always inflammatory.

Yeah, sure. Huge, crazy. Yeah, their product design, it doesn't exactly like reek of like elegance or subtlety or like sophistication. I don't think that's in their brand, but like I just think those signs and stickers are, ugh. Like I don't like them. I don't want words and stuff.

Just like aesthetically for my eyeballs. Yeah. I don't like that. You think it should just be hieroglyphs? No, like ruins or something. Something more obscure or like. Carpe Diem. I don't know. It's like, this is who I'm gonna vote for.

Like, fuck you. I don't know. I know we just made that video, but it's like... I don't know. Small Town, Wisconsin was... You know, I have all positive memories of Gorgom there. Wait, do you still get... Do you have a fear of being gay bashed when you go back there? I did for the first... This time I really did. I was like... You don't look gay though. I mean, now you do, but like.

But you know, I have my little boy drag that's all flannels and shit. You can't, I mean, I don't open my mouth. Mary, I. I walk like a, you wanna see my straight walk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please. Ah! You're like Elaine dancing in the side belt.

Yeah, well, you know, straight guys got groove and that's really groovy. You're like Elaine dancing in Seinfeld. Yeah. Well, you know, straight guys got groove, and that's really groovy. Swag, sorry. They got swag, and they got riz. You know, I... You know, it was just... A lot of people, I recognize them,

and they don't recognize me. Like, the guy who served me at one of the restaurants was my high school basketball coach, and I was like, oh, God, I know you hated me. And now you're taking my pizza order. You, oh yes, that's right. You would recognize them, but how the fuck would they remember you?

Yeah, that at all. And so a lot of people, a lot of that going on. I heard my first in a long time, full volume, full chest, N-word. In what context? In a public place watching baseball. No way.

And I was just like, oh god. Used in a pejorative sense, of course. I hate moving from a small town. Hard R? Is what people think. Was it a hard R? Yes, yes. And loud and not nervous at all.

I have not heard that in such a long time. Woo! Yeah, that is a very, that's like, oof! That's a pretty fucking loud dog whistle. Crazy. To be that loud in front of everyone, in front of people you don't know. It's like, this is a safe space to kill black folks. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

So then I was like, damn. I hate loving being from a small town, but it's hard to not also acknowledge that there's some really... Ignorant. Yeah, ignorant. It's just ignorant. It's hard. Also, I had, we were in drag two days and I painted my nails, my actual fingernails for the first time, and then I didn't have nail polish remover at home.

I was in the Uber today with holding my phone and practicing my Duolingo with red nails, and I was like so uncomfortable. Because I was like, I don't want to be read as gay, because that means my brain goes, you see fingernails, gay, kill me. Like, literally. Like, in my hometown, I was like, wow, I'm... I'm a little scared here. I was, I fully was.

It sucks. And then we watched that fucking, that horrifying series, which will come out soon on Netflix, The Woman of the Hour. Yeah. And every single time, And we watched that fucking, that horrifying series, which will come out soon on Netflix, The Woman of the Hour. And every single time one of these poor ladies got attacked, I'm like, the way that I would want to be strapped,

like I'm a cartoon fucking action hero, with guns and firearms and blades and shit and weaponry, to just avoid the violence of men. Yeah, if you're a woman. Yeah. Walking alone to my car, and he's gonna come, the killers come in. I got a Glock, I got a Beretta, I got a Buck knife,

I got mace, I got pepper spray, I got chemicals. Do you have a crossbow? No, it's too bulky. Gives it away, because they're gonna think I'm vulnerable. Right. But I also got tons, my breasts, I don't have, I have small titty, but I got tons of shotgun rounds in my bra. So I can reload. You know what I mean?

You've had the breast tissue scraped out so you can keep napalm. Yes. I got sarin gasp as a last resort, but it's always a... Like, I would be the Mr. Bean, go-go gadget, protect myself kind of girl. Right. I would want to be armed and I would want to kill in defense because the threat of violence is in the threat to my safety is so looming and present. It's horrible.

Well, I'm in my town. Don't kill people. I was in the only bar in town that was open. And I was talking to the bartender. I thought we were having a nice time. And she goes, I gotta ask you, who are you guys gonna vote for? You're fucking kidding me.

Politics at the bar? At the one bar that's open in a 400 population town. And I was like, to be asked who you vote for at a bar. No, by the bartender too. Never in my life. No, never either. And by the bartender is like, by a service worker who's like, you would think like, her tip could depend on this.

Yeah, but also like, me drinking at your bar isn't dependent on me knowing that about you. Also, it's like cheers. Everybody knows your name. Like, the bar should be like an equalizer. We're all here, get drunk. Totally. Like, the world is shit. It's a relief.

It's like you go, you drink your sorrows. It's a drunk hoe. Totally, totally. The world is shit. It's a relief. It's like you go, you like, you drink your sorrows. It's a respite. It's an oasis, not a fucking interrogation. I was just disappointed to be asked. I thought it was really inappropriate. I hate that. I don't know how I would respond to that. I probably would have been,

I probably would have pulled a lady bunny and I would have been like, well, you know, the Electorate College is absolute bullshit and voting doesn't matter, so what do you say to that? Boo, you know what I mean? I just would have been like antagonistic. Yeah.

Because there's a lot of truth in that. I don't find it helpful. Yeah. Or productive, necessarily. I just was there to drink and support the business. I was just disappointed in that. I'm just glad you're drinking again. I was disappointed in that being brought up.

I'm just so glad you're on the sauce. Oh, it's great. Yeah. I mean, they invented it for a reason, and it's been around forever for a cause. Yeah. I mean, I definitely don't want to drink a lot in my life, but it's nice to be like, oh, I'll have it at dinner if I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? We're European. We kind of have wine at dinner. Yeah. Are you going to get your license? Yeah. So I had to do a change of address. I had to do a change of address and now I have to fill out the paperwork. Can I ask you a question?

Oh, yes. When you got your California state license, you got it renewed. Did you, was that your first time getting the California state license? Yes. So even though my last license was Wisconsin, I can renew as a California state license, right? Yeah, and I was, I studied, I had to take a test. Of course, I studied incredibly, more than I've ever studied in school.

I'm taking the test. Yeah, yeah. I missed two questions, I was so embarrassed. And then- If you missed three, I think you failed. Yeah, I know, I know it's like, and it should be, Mary, let me tell you something. You should not just take a test and go around the block

to get a fucking license. It should be two years of training. And that's a bipartisan issue. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you have the control of a 2,000 pound death machine that goes up to 140 miles an hour,

you could kill, I don't know, 500 people in a day, easy with that thing. And it's like, we give it to 16 year olds. Well, I also feel like the younger you start people driving, the more their young spongy brain picks up the skillset. Right? Well, yeah, like in the country, the 14 year olds are driving those tractors mama.

Because I do think a lot of the racism surrounding some ethnic groups as being bad drivers has to do with people being first generation, like learning to drive in their 40s, 50s. Also, we need to pry these oldies' grips off the steering wheel and get these geriatrics out the caddies. They can go run for president. Mama, if they can't see three feet in front of them, why are they driving that Buick on the highway? It's actually fierce. It's horribly fierce. When I look over, it's like Moses and Methuselah

and Aunt Edna, who's like 102, like... It's awesome. No, it's crazy. It's crazy. I hate those oldies in the car. Sometimes ageism is cunty. Yes. You know, sometimes ageism persects us all.

I would like to get them out of the car and out of the nursing home and into a wonderful... And into the Supreme Court. Yeah, then SkyMed. Yeah, totally. SkyMed. SkyMed. SkyMed, just pump them full of IV volume

and they go float into the great beyond. Yeah. You know, they have at the... So SkyMed has like a, in the fine print, if you die, which of course you have to assign a waiver, your body gets ejected through a cool little bank shoot out of the plane. And where does it land?

In the ocean. Oh, okay. You can choose like land or sea, but you also have to pay for the land because you could kill somebody. Land is rude. Yeah, you have to pay a deductible. Right, straight through an Orange Julius

at the Riverdale Mall. Damn. Through the Buc-ee's. Through the Buc-ee's. Through the Buc-ee's. Fuck. I do think Buc-ee's should add, if they added a chapel, I think people get married there.

Yes, and a dunk tank. Would you come to a- Honestly. Would you come to my water wedding? What's a water wedding? Wedding in water. We're done. We're back.

We're back, unfortunately. Bye. you