The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Nosferatu Vibes

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

Welcome to The Bald and The Beautiful! Nothing's off-limits in this episode - from "neck down showers" to the question of "to wear makeup or not to wear makeup?" when you're out of drag. Trixie and Katya break down the debate between Inner Beauty vs. Self-Image, retell some makeup horror stories, and talk about how "ugliness is in the eye of the beholder." Plus, Katya's excited to finally tell some stories without being rudely interrupted. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Okay, hey, listen, hi. Well, we did it. We did it. Well, we got it. We found a way to not get in dry hammer again. This is Katya. I'm Trixie. And because we've appeared so many times in so many forums in a video format,

we thought we'd finally give you a boner break just so that you can focus on our voices. You know, I hate that. The worst part about drag is that because I'm so beautiful and so sexy, some would say erotic. If you will, thank you. Excuse me. It's hard for people to listen to my thoughts because instead of what's in my head,

they're thinking of putting their dick in my head through my mouth and also other parts of my body. You're just a big blonde bimbo with huge fuckable titties. Big blonde bimbo. Yeah. With huge fuckable titties. And what? And something I think we really need to establish is obviously welcome to this brand new podcast. Yes.

This was inspired by many people through the years reaching out and saying, you know what? I'll put YouTube, I'll put one of your YouTube shows, whatever, on in the car and I'll just let it play like it's a podcast. Yeah. Which I don't recommend. I don't recommend that either. Watching things on your phone while you're driving. No. No, no, no.

But what I do recommend is subscribing to this podcast because this is a podcast. Podcast. Yeah. That's right. And you know what? I'm going to make a commitment right here and now on this. I'm going to interrupt you, Les. Oh, now.

Okay. I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was going to bring a dinger. Ding. Oh, I was going to bring a dinger. Ding. I was going to bring a dinger. I don't have a dinger, but I'll bring a dinger next time. An interrupting dinger. You know what we should... Here, wait, I have something.

Oh, perfect. That's the shade button. But something I want to incorporate into this, too, is we should do sound effects. Sound effects, yeah. And I also want to... I think we're always Tsy and katya and i think in this i think you should you should be it should be katya and tricksy alphabetical yes alphabetical because now that i'm not in drag you know i'm not going to eclipse you as much physically eclipse you by the way by being several inches taller than you, wider than you, with bigger hair.

I know. If I turn sideways, I just become invisible. You know, when people ask you, what's it like living in my shadow? They don't mean I'm more famous than you. It's very cool and comfortable. Yeah. I'm wearing a wig. Now, this is called the bald and the beautiful.

We are, in fact, two bald, faggy fucks. I love the concept. I do, too. You came up with it. Yes, I did. It's from a soap opera. Have you ever seen The Bold and the Beautiful? I have not.

Neither have I. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But I think that on this show, we intend to, listen, we don't endorse or, how do I say this? Whether or not you believe in certain beauty things mattering or not mattering in society, we are here to objectively talk about people's relationships with beauty.

Yeah. Be it like hair extensions and lipstick or body image or perfume or celebrity beauty trends. Yeah. Or the rejection of those things. Like, you know, the people who say, I'm not interested in all that.

Who don't, I'm looking for a natural lady. Right. You know, that, that kind of thing. Yeah. You know her ginger.

Yeah. Definitely. So, so where, I mean, and we can, we're going to talk about, um,

our relationship to, and our rejection of, and our, uh, participation in, and we're going to talk about our relationship to and our rejection of and our participation in and our rejection of certain concepts of beauty, style, fashion, yada, yada. And also, you know, other people's. And we're very passionate about both the extremes of beauty. I mean, like wiglets and eyebrow tattoos and all that. But I also love people just flat out saying this was the age I, you know, like stopped wearing concealer period or, or male celebrities doing spray tans. I mean,

that counts as beauty. There's a lot of two pays, two gluing on a piece, a piece gluing on a piece. Oh, a hair system. Have you ever read that? Did you have to read that book in school called a separate piece?

Do you know what that was called? Is it about a wig? That was about a wig, about a wiglet, about a man's journey with a piece, gluing it on every day. And I, but I'm fascinated because my interest in beauty and my participation in beauty goes into the grotesque. Well, that's why I think you and I are actually are very qualified to talk about some of this stuff because let's be honest, we have infiltrated an entire industry that hinges on being gorgeous. Just to get your foot in the door, that foot has to be pedicured. Yep. And you and I, out of drag, let's be honest. It's a gnarled claw.

Yes. If we weren't, if we were at a gay bar and we weren't gay famous, ain't nobody would talk to us. If I was a bathroom attendant at a gay bar, people wouldn't even take a Starburst from me. Yeah. And that's why we're in the very unique position of straddling both worlds. One of Middle Earth and one of Hollywood. Yeah, really. Yeah.

of Hollywood. Yeah, really? Yeah. Because out of drag, we really get to parody and use all the tropes of Americanized beauty to our advantage by both making fun of it, but also, I mean, even if we're making fun of it, we still look great. And profiting off of it. And profiting off of it. So I think like as drag queens, especially you and I, we both like make fun of beauty standards, but we also sort of celebrate that like you can be kind of not that great and you can invoke the smoke and the mirrors and the spells and the pentagrams and turn into a pretty passable person yeah yeah i'm extremely passable and i and something i've found about cosmetics and beauty and perfume and everything is there's also it's an industry that's never the same people have different relationships with beauty and stuff all the time yeah and also i'm

i'm fascinated i mean i'm fascinated by your participation in the in the business side of it because i the trend just the trend factor of like beauty trends makes my head spin yeah i mean whether or not i mean even people let's let's say you're not a person who wears makeup or whatever. Whether or not you believe in it, quote unquote, look at the industry. Beauty has been one of the biggest industries you can be in forever. It's never going to go anywhere. No. And the technology is always changing.

Yeah. And celebrities using it or abusing it is always changing. Yeah. And we have so many people in our lives, as Trixie and Katya, we've gotten to meet so many makeup artists, stylists, designers, models, drag queens. We know some of the people who are probably the most influential in beauty. Yeah.

Casually, we know that. In front and behind the camera. And I usually find that the people behind the camera are the more fascinating ones. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm so happy you brought that up.

Pivoting to the left. Yeah. Let me ask you right now, though. Do you feel beautiful right now? I do. Tell me. Describe to me how beautiful you are. Speaking of beauty,

they're COVID Toms. They're Indian Toms. I was on a run the other day and I ran by the Ulta and I was bewitched and I went I haven't been inside

like a beauty store of any kind in a long time and I had my mask on I went in there and I shopped for makeup because I'm so tan I don't match anything

and it was just so magical to be at a makeup store really okay yeah yes and all the testers are taped shut. Yeah.

I was going to ask, did they let you test anything? No, nothing is even openable. Leave it up to chance. So I had to just, by eye sort of match some products for myself and I got home and I'm, I guess I'm still tan enough that still nothing.

It's all too light, but that's okay. It's okay. You know what else? I mean, you don't, you don't shop for makeup or anything. Not really.

No, I don't. Your favorite product is whatever gets sent in the mail. Whatever gets sent in the mail. And what I do is I go to the makeup store. I did go to the makeup store to get something. I don't remember what. But I go in there, pretend like I've never bought makeup in my life.

And I ask a question. I say, what is an eyeliner? No, you don't. I do. Well, because of the way I look out of drag which is let's just say i don't look like a fierce youtube makeup person going people think i'm shopping for someone bob the builder yes but that but now i'm actually too famous now at altos and sephoras or max i get the primo treatment because they know who i am we'll see i'll either do the what i said first

i'll do the other thing i was like I'm shopping for my girlfriend and she's... My girlfriend. I'm shopping for my girlfriend. I'm shopping for my girlfriend. She has skin. She has everything for skin. She has really good skin and she also likes to highlight her eyes.

What does she look like? Okay, she has two eyes. Long hair. Long hair. She's got six teeth. She's got six of them. A swan-like neck. She's swan like Nick.

But I mean, and not just makeup and hair. I hope on this show we could talk about other, I don't want to say inner beauty, but let's say self image. No, I want to talk about inner beauty. I want to like self image.

So body image. What do you think about, what do you think inner beauty is? Inner beauty is a crock of shit. You think? Yeah inner beauty is? Inner beauty is a crock of shit. You think? Yeah, I know. Inner beauty is a crock of shit. Let me tell you, a good character is attractive.

Well, this is the tea. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Yeah, sure. And let's say I think standing by your word is really important. If you're somebody who stands by your word, I would find that attractive and beautiful. Would you say beautiful? I mean, what do we attribute to inner beauty? Confidence, kindness, compassion.

Intelligence, probably. All of the pillars of a good character. Yeah. Yeah, honesty. And you know my favorite phrase, God doesn't give up both hands. He sure doesn't. So I, as an ugly person, I only get by when i see a hot person i go

they're an idiot and they're a terrible person idiot rotted yeah which is why we have so many friends let's see devin green for example gorgeous yeah nice smart fun interesting generous compassionate yeah um i pretend people. People who have it all. You know? Well, she comes from Canada, though. She's cheating the system. Northern Canada. Yeah.

Well, all of Canada's northern. Oh. That's true. She's from southern Canada. She's from Manitoba. I'm not sure that place actually exists. You know what I mean? Just in terms of... She's from the netherworld.

She's otherworldly is what I'm trying to say. She's the exception. She's from New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. You come from New Zealand. And then other aspects of beauty, I think we could talk about include fitness for sure.

Or body positive relationships with yourselves at different weights. I mean. Body modification. Body modifications. God, do we have people who could inform us on that on this show? We could, and also we could talk about locational differences because I mean, I'm sure you've noticed, but moving from, um, Wisconsin to LA, me moving from new England to LA, the whole, uh, Scrabble board is shuffled around.

Yep. I literally just got my lips done and Mary, I more yeah the Scrabble board gets shuffled around and the I guess what you call it in sports the first down for what you would consider too much plastic surgery once you've lived here it moves pretty soon what was noticeable is not like to me when I

first moved here and I saw people with work done it was like a conversation I had for two days I saw this lady who had big lips, whatever. And now I don't even think about it. Yeah, it does. You get completely used to it. And it's like the line of what is too much is kind of like way far off in the distance. Now my story is like we went to Gelson's and found parking.

You know? That's the unicorn. That's my hot story. Hot takes. And, you know, we have so many people in our lives who I can't wait to have on here, especially since we know so many funny people. We know so many people who are famous but still do their own hair and makeup. Yeah.

People who choose not to wear makeup. Yeah. I mean, you don't, because you don't even, we, neither of us have hair. We are bald as fuck. Bald. And I recently shaved my head down to the skin i'm wearing a wig right now just for personal safety you look like a hard-boiled egg um hard-boiled egg yeah uh i don't feel safe unless i have my wiglet on an egg that's been

road hard and put away boiled that's what you look like um but i i shaved it down to the skin in the shower it was a revelation it was a it's kind of fun it was really fun it was really interesting i thought i was going to i thought i was going to rake off the shower. It was a revelation. It's kind of fun. It was really fun. It was really interesting. I thought I was going to rake off the epidermis and I'd be like Hellraiser. You know what I mean? Pinhead. But it actually came out pretty smooth. However, because I have pretty severely shaved three quarters of my eyebrows off, I've been experiencing the daytime makeup, which is the pencil.

Makes a huge difference. I couldn't even tell until you mentioned something. Yeah, yeah. It's essential because- Which is crazy because I've never seen you wear out of drag not a stitch of makeup

really ever. I don't wear- I can't do it. I can't- There's a line because I think it's about- It's a part of male privilege that I enjoy to the max.

Is being gutter. Devil's rejects. Walking out of my apartment looking like the roadkill- Like looking like roadkill from the devil's rejects. Walking out of my apartment looking like the roadkill, like looking like roadkill from the devil's rejects and being able to like walk, you know, walk through society and have that be acceptable. Looking like a burnt pancake. Looking like a burnt pancake on a wheelbarrow.

Like that's what I do. Yeah. You look like a rubber Bart Simpson toy that melted in the do. Yeah. You look like a rubber Bart Simpson toy that melted in the sun. Yeah. But I, but so, but I also have to face my,

I want to face my prejudice. I have certain prejudices in certain preconceived judgments of men who wear makeup. And I want to, I want to, I want to face that. Like I'm on Tyra, Tyra Banks show or like I'm on, do you know how to wear makeup?

I do. And I'm ashamed. I'm on Tyra Banks' show or like I'm on- Do you know how I wear makeup? I do. During the day. And I'm ashamed. I'm just kidding. I pretty much, out of drying, I pretty much wear like a tinted moisturizer, tinted sunscreen every single day. Okay. And that is for-

Sunblock. And- Moisturization. And it just evens out my face. So it's just, so it's a twofer. It's protection and vanity. Yeah. And most of them also are things like anti-pollutants and it has a twofer it's it's protection in vanity yeah and most of

them also are things like anti-pollutants that it has all that to it too free radicals yeah and then my brows aren't very full so i wear gel every day you're wearing it right now like a bra mascara right now can't tell at all yeah it just coats the hair because i have a lot of hairs but they're not very dark so it just makes them more because i'm'm so, no hair on my head. Yeah. For me, and you're kind of blonde. Oh. Which is a little more forgiving, I think,

with eyebrows. It is forgiving, because they're barely there, but they are there. Yeah. Because once you get rid of them, oh. It's,

yeah, it's off the rails. I wear a little concealer sometimes. Okay. Under the eyes. Okay. If I'm really tan, I do a little bronzer,

so that I match my body oh then i do a full lip then i do a three shadows yeah no bottom lashes i always wear lip balm fake jewelry yeah and then i wear cologne pretty much honestly and literally everywhere but bed i wear cologne all the time i i do that too but i also and i i smoke which is great for the skin i smoke yeah i wear i wear perfume yeah you wear cologne i've seen you wear cologne is that part of is the smoking kind of part of what makes you wear cologne absolutely also the smelling like shit do you like shopping i smell like shit have you ever ever seen have you ever shit. Have you ever driven cross country? Yeah.

You ever stopped in Arkansas and picked up a dead hog and smelled its asshole? Okay. That's what I smell like. You smell like an armadillo that got eaten from the inside out. I've been so, the past two days, I lift up my arms and I smell my armpits. And I recoil in terror, in horror. Well, some of the people listening might know us from the New York Times bestseller list. And in that book we wrote, Trixie and Kachi's Guide to Modern Womanhood, now available everywhere.

There's a part where you mention your relationship with hygiene, which I think counts as beauty. Absolutely. And somebody had to tell you, you smell. They had to tell me to my face in the bed. You didn't say it was me in the book, but it was. He told but guess what i had the i mean i had the audacity to invite this man into my bed for a sexual purpose yeah and a sexual purpose that involved oral sex of one of sub kind or another you can imagine put connect the dots yeah and i allowed him to enter my cave with it being filled with corpses right house of a thousand corpses that's

your that's your crotch house of a thousand corpses there was this girl there's this girl went to high school with and she wore i didn't know at the time you when you're a teenager you don't know what foundation is whatever she wore liquid foundation with no powder and she had super oily skin so she looked one color wet and wet all day and people called her pod pile of death and wet all day. And people called her P.O.D. Pile of Death. Isn't that wrong?

I don't even remember her name. I am more... And I remember the gay boy in our school was like, I mean, it's like she's not even powdering her foundation. I am more horrified by the fact that it was understood what that acronym meant. Yep. P.O.D. P.O.D. P.O.D.

Pile of Death. Girl, small towns. There was a girl. It was a girl who had a mole between her eyes, a big mole between her eyes. And people called her third eye blind. Oh, no. Third eye blind. Third eye blind.

Girl, I went to school with a girl, Penny Nickel. Penny. How about Precious Valentine? She went to Krivitz. Well, I won't say where she's from. She went to Krivitz, Wisconsin. But she was say where she's from because she went to Krivitz, Wisconsin, but she was a girl,

Penny Nichol, I went to kindergarten with her and people called her Sixth Sense. The Sixth Sense. That's, but see, okay. At least that's creative.

That's clever. Yeah. I feel like that's clever. Bullying is fine as long as it's clever. It's got to involve a significant amount of wordplay for it to be,

not, oh. Did you get bullied? Did you get bullied? not. I mean, did you get bullied? Did you get bullied? No. Did you? Did you? I mean, people maybe call me fag, but honestly, at the risk of sounding controversially, I

brave being called a fag never really bothered me that much because you were a fag. Yeah. And I was just like, I live in a small town and like the guy who drives the Chevy walk drove by and called me a fag. Who cares? Like, I don't know. It wasn't the end of the world to me. Yeah.

And you didn't get beat up. So that's okay. Yeah. I think when it, you know, obviously Like, I don't know. It wasn't the end of the world to me. Yeah, and you didn't get beat up, so that's okay. Yeah. I think when it, you know, obviously it's physical. And I wasn't out. I think it's worse if you're out. And when you're from such a small town

like I was, the kids I went to kindergarten with were the same kids I graduated with. So like, I might be gay, but you knew me since I was five. Yeah, you knew. You've been new, sis. Yeah, you might not even totally,

or you don't want to happen a lot. In a group, those guys would be mean to me, but one-on-one they wouldn't. So it's almost like that mentality of like, they're in a group, they'll say faggot, but not one-on-one. It's that societal pressure because one-on-one, they were, you know, yeah. They wanted it. Did you ever get it?

No, but some of the, one of the gay guys I went to high school with, Corey, hi Corey. He cuts my hair whenever I go to Milwaukee's and he, um, he was openly gay. And you know, when you're closeted in high school, the openly gay kid is like, how could you do it?

And thank God you're being gay. So no one looks at me. Exactly. Deflecting. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of sad, but when you're insecure,

thank God for that gay kid who takes the brunt of it. That's, I completely agree. He was really gay and he got laid left and right because he would go to these. Why am I whispering? Like these people are really gay and he got laid left and right because he would go to these, why am I whispering like these people are listening? He would get laid left and right. He would go to these high school parties and like guys would want, he would get laid. We got to have him on the pod.

We absolutely do. I want him on the pod. I want to know about this. It's, I would love to have him. If you think my accent is strong, it means full Wisconsin. You guys want to go to a car? Can't find in the car. Or like it's. Try the Vince Camuto. Try the Vince Camuto. It's full of Wisconsin. You guys want to go to a car? Can't have fun in the car?

Try the Vince Camuto. Try the Vince Camuto. You guys, Nicki Minaj, Pink Friday. Free tote bag. If you guys don't know, that's when I worked in the beauty department at Macy's at Mayfair Mall. Oh, my God. So you never, I mean, I worked front desk at a salon. I went to beauty school.

What are you bringing to this? I have so much expertise. I think just natural beauty, effortless glamour. You're actually a lot more informed about, I think, celebrity beauty than I am. Yes, well, celebrity beauty and fashion and also the ins and outs of alluring a man. I misspoke, luring a man into, um, into a hole, into a hole,

because I have a lot of experiencing. I have a lot of experience with what it, the bare minimum of what it takes to achieve a certain level of beauty that is acceptable to invite a man over into my house to do sex to me. And then, you know, all those different stages in between of like, what is the full drag fantasy and what is the absolute,

like, you know, cryptkeeper minimum. Well, you've also built a character that is sort of built on what society thinks a sex worker looks like. Sure. Yeah.

And I also look like whodunit and ran out of drag, which is, I think is like, there's a, there's a wide chasm to cross when it comes to like, um, from zero to drag. which I think is like, there's a wide chasm to cross when it comes to like from zero to drag. Completely. Yeah.

That's why I think that we're going to be able to give really objective and interesting points of view. Because if we were two people who were hot in and out of their get up, how informed could you be? Because when you're truly beautiful, your life is just different. Yeah. Your life is different from birth. Pretty privileged. Everything you say is funnier. Every job you, you probably hot people get hired easier. They get in a call. The hot people get everything. They get everything. And for people like us, who've gotten a lot of stuff, knock on wood,

by honestly, we impersonate a hot person. Yeah. That's what we do. By hook or by crook. Really? Yep. All right. So let's take a little break. We'll see you in a bit. How do stop losses work on Kraken? Let's say I have a birthday party on Wednesday night, but an important meeting Thursday morning. So sensible me pre-books a taxi for 10 PM with alerts. Voila. I won't be getting carried away and staying out till two. That's stop lossloss orders on Kraken. An easy way to plan ahead.

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And we're back. I like this. I do too. I'm also holding the microphone like I'm at a show because I haven't done a show in a long time. I know. And I miss holding a microphone. I got to tell you, I miss it too. And as much as I love wireless microphones, because I travel with a pink wireless.

Do you? Yeah. What do you do with your hands? Oh, you play the guitar. I play the guitar. So that keeps both my hands pretty busy. I'll let you know when I learn to play with one hand. I don't know what I would have restless hands.

I'd probably start touching people. I love the cordless mic, but there's something about being on stage with the cord. Yeah. It makes me think of like when I was a kid wanting to be a performer, what that choreography was like, having a cable. I do not like the cord.

You don't like the cable? Oh, I do. No, no, no, no, no, no. It makes me feel like a real standup. Oh, I don't want to be a real standup. I just want to have the microphone. And I feel like I'm going to do that like cartoon thing where I'm going to trip myself. I'm going to be like wrap it around my legs, trip, and everybody's going to laugh at me.

Do you know what I mean? Would you ever get one of those like truth or dare mics? Would you ever start wearing a head mic? Absolutely not. Because then I feel like a telemarketer. Or TED Talk or Tony Robinson. Yeah. I feel like a snake oil charlatan, a TED Talk speaker, or a telemarketer.

A lot of Ts. Yes. Yeah. I just, I love a strong wireless mic with bright, with a bright thing on it. You know what I mean? So I can run with a battery. I just feel like a lot of safety in that. If we're talking beauty, we're also talking like glamour.

For you, who is the gaggiest epitome of glamour? Your jaw drops every time. You wish you could just dive into their closet and take everything home with you. I mean, I'd probably say Naomi Campbell. That's a great choice. I've never seen her look bad, can wear anything. Even with at the most glam to the most pared down

it's impossible it's an impossible level of glamour and beauty because of the the physicality of her bone structure

and the face and the face the face the body and also the fact that there's been literally like no

um there's there's no difference. The aging process has not degraded her glamour in the least at all. At all. At all. It's almost showcased it because it's made her glamour feel more like- It's gilded it.

Yeah, a 21-year-old looks like that. But for now, it's like, that is an older woman. Yeah, and it's shocking. It's shocking. If you see her her you're like you're it's shocking you'll get to meet her someday i would love to meet her i would love to meet who have you met in real life who in real life in real time has has taken your breath away amanda every time amanda amanda every time i've been amanda probably five times amanda lapore

yeah i met her probably five times and i mean like when i was 18 like moving to my first apartment buying makeup from cbs being like i'm gonna do drag and i saw pictures of amanda and i was like I met her probably five times. And I mean, like when I was 18, like moving to my first apartment, buying makeup from CVS, being like, I'm going to do drag. And I saw pictures of Amanda and I was like, oh my God, that's what I want to look like, which hasn't happened. But every time I meet her,

it's just, and because she lives in New York, New Yorkers see her all the time at clubs. They're not even impressed anymore. But I'm like, there's a unicorn in the room right it's like she's levitating yeah she is that the skin then decolletage the boobs i mean it's just perfect and petite and the little voice she is like she

it's like she stepped out of a cartoon yeah and i i admire that because i not because i find her beauty relatable but i find her commitment to beauty extremely inspiring. If Amanda can do that every day, you can get in the shower. I feel very attacked because I find getting into the shower every day, something of a challenge. Well, quarantine,

especially when, when quarantine started, I was like, I'm a shower in four days. Am I gross? Oh yeah. I can relate to that in four days. Am I gross? Oh, yeah. I can relate to that. I can relate to that.

I never realized how much getting in drag creates shower moments for me. Drag was my whole—I'm taking my wig off so I can get real. Drag, for me, for the longest time, was the only consistent benchmark for hygiene. Yes. Because on drag days, I would get into the shower before the show, get into the shower after the show so that's at least two two showers sometimes three a day in drag if the show is very late in the day i would have showered in the morning perhaps but so that's at least three times in the shower that's a very clean person yeah that's a very three times a day two at least two sometimes three a day if there's a show because i get it i

always get in i don't take my makeup off and just stew in my because you know how much i sweat yeah i have to get in the shower after the gig yeah well you and i have both talked about sometimes we've done the neck down make the neck but wait a minute the neck down drag shower and you do it with the wig clipped up listen listen listen so this is this is the mean, this is to be like. This is the, this is when I knew I was a little bit different. This is honestly one of those moments where as a drag performer, it's one of those moments where I might relate more to a person who identifies as female than a person who identifies as male. Yes.

Because I don't like being half drag, period. I want to be a woman or a man. So this is, let me set it up. So it's, so this is, so I would do a show and I would organize a rendezvous with a gentleman caller for after the show. But of course, I've done two,

I've done five numbers in boiling heat. Is it shocks? It's shocks. So I'm sweating. I mean, from the neck down, it is hammer time on every orifice and crevice. So we have to do a little freshening up. However, the mug is still right. So I get into the shower.

We do a neck down shower. But here's a twist. Because your skin's kind of dry, right? Yes, extremely dry. So any sweating just sets the makeup. I don't want to get oily or shiny. So I get into the shower. I put the wig up.

Like an alligator clip? In a claw clip. Now, this is before lace fronts. This is a $35 wig. That could easily be snatched. That could easily. I mean, with one pinky just snatched right on and put on a hanger. This is not a unit that is glued to my head at all.

This is a shitty shingo wig that is about to get cum in it that I keep on. I go to great lengths to clip, sometimes it's scrunchy, and a clip in the back to keep it off the nape of my neck. And I get in the shower and I feel like Kate Moss. I don't blame you. I did something really similar recently. This year I was on tour with Grown Up and which is coming to all over the world. And, um, my tour, my band is all straight. Right. And this is my first time probably living with straight men in close quarters and working with them all day. Probably

my whole life. Okay. Yeah. Never been that close to straight people for straight guys, especially very straight. I met them. They're very straight and so accepting of how gay I am. And they don't, they don't even bat an eye. Yeah. They're so proud to be in the show, whatever. But because they were straight boys and I'm a drag queen. And so when I'm in drag, I do feel like the girl.

If we were backstage and I was in like my backstage look like a robe, I had like bandana. So I would take the fall off and I would wrap a bandana on my head like Rosie the Riveter. Like I just tied my hair up between numbers because I was too embarrassed to run around bald. So I would keep the wig on with my makeup on like, oh, I'm just a girl backstage getting ready. And a few days into the tour, that sort of showmanship wore off. And eventually I was like, they don't care. Yeah, fuck these hoes. They're not sniff not sniffing yeah but the first few days i was like oh i'd hate then i want them to oh oh my god i had jobs not that i wanted them to think i was

cool but like the woman in me was like i can't show my unmentionables you know what i mean i miss that doing drag i know I miss doing the after gigs. You miss doing the... Feeling like a woman. You know what I don't like about it for you, though? You're too famous now. No, no, it can't happen. Can't do it anymore.

So I thought about it. I thought about getting on Grindr. So this is a, you know, in terms of like beauty, in terms of feeling attractive, feeling sexy, and projecting an image out there, say social, we have social media or apps like hookup apps. I have the,

I could do, you know, me out of drag Brian, which is so problematic in so many ways. And then, and then, but trying to do a drag profile, say for example,

on grinder, which is what a lot of people do. Cause there's a lot of guys who go for that kind of thing on grinder now, but I can't do that either. Cause all I'm going to do is get messages from gay guys like hey girl hey girl love your show but whatever yeah i mean i have a grinder that's pretty much at least half the messages what do you show you show your face yeah i don't care you know what i told myself well first of all background for the audience some of the people just listening might not have known that you used to be a professional escort on the side yeah part-time hooker yeah and after the shows you

would hook up yeah and you hook up either for money or for fun sometimes both and that's almost like a whole nother personality besides drag and it's it was it was i'm telling it was a and i was very lucky listen there's a lot of caveats going here because on the one hand, I don't want to condemn or glamorize or promote a particular kind of sex work because mine was very optional. It was very. Especially when you're working with men who, let's be honest, men who are interested in trans women or drag queens, they're usually not out. No. And they're usually extremely, let's say,

fragile about it. Yeah. And could pivot to homicide. Yeah. Volatile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not exactly a safe environment for sex workers

who present as like, you know, not cis female. Right, right, right. So it was, I didn't realize at the time that it was so dicey because I had, by and large, 99% of the time, a very safe experience.

My, the only, only like hiccups I had was when they didn't show up. Oh no. That was the only depressing part, but it never got by. Like a cake left out in the rain. Oh, you have no idea. And then the desperation of me just in a, imagine me in leg Avenue lingerie at 1.30 in the morning on my couch smoking a cigarette crying.

Oh God. The Leg Avenue is the sad part. Yeah. I mean, if we're talking about beauty, one of the other things we want to touch on, we want to talk to people

with let's say different genitals. We're both really interested in interviewing somebody with a micro penis. So if anybody wants to come on the show, we'll change your voice.

We'll keep you anonymous. We want to have open, frank, compassionate conversation about what that's like. I'm so curious. And this is not a, it's not a morbid fascination. It's not something I want to make fun of.

It's earnest. I'm really, really, really curious about because different genitals. I think we should also have a conversation with the flip side. Somebody with like extremely big dick. Cause I think that presents different problems yeah absolutely another one i would love to uh talk to a girl with maybe like a super small boobs versus really big boobs that's totally different lifestyle

like a really um shallow vagina i would love to talk to we know somebody in the industry who had um implants removed. Yeah. That would be interesting to hear about. I want to hear about people with a plentiful labia. Yeah. Huge lips. And let's just put it all out there right here too.

We don't know everything and we aren't exemplary in any way. So on this show, I think we're going to learn a lot. And I can guarantee that we're not always gonna let's say go into things with the right terminology yes or we're a bunch of we're faggy bald fucks who happen to be white cis men so we don't know shit in a lot of ways yeah so we're we're coming at this from a very like we would like to learn we would like to um we would like the the maybe perhaps the listener can can learn through our ignorance or our ignorance can be a jumping off point for education.

Because especially in beauty, it can be very touchy. You know, when I worked in cosmetics, my manager at the time, she said, we don't work in the beauty industry. We work in the self esteem industry,

which is like when you're like doing someone's makeup at a counter, you're only a few wrong things from somebody like crying in a chair in front of you. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God. Because people come in to talk about their skin texture. I have small lips. My eyes are sagging. Why don't my eyebrows are like bald?

It's all their insecurities laying out Neiman Marcus. You know what I mean? And I've experienced the same thing where I've like walked into like a Nordy's after a bender. And I've looked in one of those magnifying mirrors and I just had to leave. I left. I just. Hit the button. Thank you.

I had to leave. I had to. I just. And you stole the mirror, didn't you? Yeah. I ripped that mirror right off the wall. Right off the wall. You just ran with it.

What you didn't mention is it was a full length and you were robbing the store you didn't mention that did you i smashed through the window yes no it's it the sometimes the um and with beauty it's like and i mean think about how many times you've had a friend or a girlfriend and who you think is just the epitome of glamour is just so gorgeous. Everlessly beautiful. And then, but what is your reality and their reality could not be further from, I mean, there's no correlation. Completely.

Well, everybody's the protagonist in their own story and everybody thinks that they are the most, their dark circles are the darkest. Their hips are the widest. Yeah. Their pussy is the smelliest. The widest. Their pussy is the smelliest. The tightest. You know, it's so tight. You know. People have

different, what I'm saying is again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Same with people's flaws. Yes. Ugliness is sort of in the eye of the beholder too. You want to come, you're talking about ugly. Bitch, I got you. of in the eye of the mama i am like you want to come you're talking about ugly bitch i got you i am the ugliest piece of shit do you feel good about yourself no because on of drag i i know i'm not like burt reynolds but i also

let me just say i know that i'm not that's your benchmark yes yes that's the apex for you okay but i also know that like there's enough things about me that are redeemable that someone's gonna want to fuck me yeah and like my i believe when i was on tinder dating i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna match with someone or whatever who thinks i am exactly their type yeah because we're really talking about types yeah some people love i've been with guys who like oh my oh my God, the first reason I talk to you is because I love shaped heads. Well, listen to this.

The last person I hooked up with was his, he's like. He was a baby and you thought you guys were the same age. He's like, I love Nosferatu. He did not say I love Nosferatu. He did not say I love Nosferatu. And that makes me so happy because I give out big Nosferatu vibes. So I'm, I'm like, I'm in the market for somebody who's looking for a malnourished pallid cave

dweller. Right. You know what I mean? With some, with big teeth in dark circles and sketchy motives. And blood. And a mouth full of blood. And a mouth full of blood.

One of the things I run into, like, I don't think my type as a gay person matches my look as a gay person. Say that again. I don't think my type as a gay person. I think I have, like, the personality of a twink sometimes, but I have, like, the structure of someone's uncle. So it's like a weird mishmash. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you do. You have like. It's Freaky Friday. The dad and the daughter switched bodies. I'm in the dad's body. The daughter's in the dad's body. Yeah, that's my life. Totally.

I don't know what I've got going on. But the problem I have with my self-image is that it's on the horizon. I feel like it's achievable, but the clock is ticking now. Well, I've thought about that too, because I think as gay men, a lot of us in our 20s,

I mean, this isn't just a gay show. We'll talk about a lot of things, but as far as insecurity goes, as gay men in our 20s, being young makes us in some way like, okay, well, at least I'm 21. Right. But then, you know, I'm 31 now. And I'm like, I think I'm hitting my stride because I probably care about my body more than ever. Yeah.

So my body's probably looking better and better all the time. My face hit the floor three years ago, you know. But, you know, it's getting worse in that department. But then I, but then I listened to old videos of like, you know, I've been doing video stuff long enough. I'm like, oh my, I don't like my voice at that age or like, I don't want my 21 year old.

I don't want my 21 year old attitude. No, or my voice or my, yeah, no, I don't even want my 21 year old body. You don't? No. I was or my, yeah, no. I don't even want my 21 year old body. You don't? No. I was, um, uh. I was definitely naturally thinner.

You were skinny. Much like, and really skinny. Yeah. Like, and I ate like an animal. Oh, did you? Yeah. And I just didn't gain weight, period. We gotta talk about weight too. I mean, I mean.

Crikey. Crikey, ma'am. I mean, when we talk about beauty on the show, which I think we'll have lots of different guests of lots of different body types. Yeah.

I think we're going to be really surprised how many people we find have issues with their body that we would never expect. Yeah. And also because for me, skinny is not a, the, my wheelhouse for myself and for those that I

desire. Skinny does not enter the picture at all. No, at all. I feel the same way. I don't like skinny. I, especially for guys. I love chubby guys. Mama, I want to be smothered in your big, fat, blubbery. I want to look like I'm in a love sack commercial. I love big guys and girls. I mean, love big guys. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by CIBC.

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Mary, we're coming at you every week. Celebrity trends. Yeah. Classic beauty. Yeah. Fashion faux pas. Yeah. Health and fitness.

Yeah. Favorite products. Favorite products. Favorite trends. Oh. And I mean, obviously, I mean, the guests especially, I'm really excited because I think, oh, I sat on the shade button. We know so many talented and beautiful people who are going to have a really cool insight into it.

Like an outrageous amount of access to the most incredibly talented people who often also happen to be incredibly gorgeous. Gorgeous. And I mean, if you're listening to and you're not like a beauty person, when we're talking about beauty, we're really talking about self-esteem, self-image, trend, fashion, social media, social media, television. I mean. And humble. And humble. Don't forget, you're listening to two of the ugliest people anyone's ever seen

sitting in my office talking into microphones on my computer. So like, where else are you going to hear unqualified people talk about what it's like to be beautiful?

But you know what? You know what I found though? This is what I... It's funny it's called the bald and the beautiful though because it suggests that there's us and then our beautiful guest.

Exactly. That's the implication here. Two different categories. Yes. Two different categories. We fit squarely beautiful though because it suggests that there's us and then our beautiful exactly that's that's that's the implication categories two different categories we fit squarely into one and then we yet to come is the the beautiful part we would do i don't know if you remember but in the movie the witches of eastwick so whores yeah veronica part right wh. Anal intercourse. Yeah. Can we swear on this? Absolutely. I don't like being censored in any way. I surely the fuck don't either, you goddamn cunt.

I never forget. I was, I think I was in New York and I was at Condé Nast doing some piece of press that I'm sure was incredible. And I said faggot and they told me I couldn't say it. And I've never remember the feeling of sitting there in a wig and being told I can't say faggot and being like, who can? Yeah. If I can't right now. Yeah.

I mean, don't tell me not to say it because it makes you uncomfortable. It's for, you know, Bob upstairs. Well, this is the bald and the beautiful. And I mean, if anybody, we're hoping to make this kind of interactive. So if you guys want to tweet us with any humiliating beauty stories, fails, successes, questions,

and who is your, who is for you? The apex, the ultimate, um, the, the essence of beauty. Who is your,

who is your beauty? Like maybe, uh, from your childhood from now, has it changed? Who represents to you the ultimate the only

in terms of beauty glamour and attractiveness I think it tells you a lot about a person yeah who give me another one so Burt Reynolds

Amanda Amanda give me another male or give me another guy yeah give me another guy who's just like just kill me gorgeous devastating

yeah like just wreck this hole and leave it for dead Ryan Reynolds. Okay. I mean, oh, John Krasinski. Okay. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Would you let a battering ram? Yeah. Yes. Donald Glover. Oh, yeah. Okay, sure. Beautiful. Yeah.

You let him just like stuff it with dynamite. Annihilation. Yeah. Yeah. I would let him fucking stomp me out like a cigarette. I'll let him just like stuff it with annihilation and just yeah. Yeah, I would let him fucking stop me out like a cigarette I'll let him break me like I will throw I would let him I Would let him drop a piano in my head If he was like, I'm really I'll have sex with you

But I have this thing where I like to cut people's legs off. I'd be like, yeah, I'll get the saw baby Like I'll go for it. I don't care. I don't care I would let I would let Tom Hardy come to my family reunion and butcher every last one of my family. And I would watch and jerk off. Just let him go to town. He would kiss me on the cheek. Well,

do you want to invite people to subscribe? Yeah. Why don't you listen to, Hey folks at home, why don't you go ahead and press that subscribe button? Smash that button. Cause we're going to have new episodes every single week. That's 52 episodes a year.

You better believe it. Mm-hmm. You know, I'm surprised it took us this long to start a podcast. No shit. Because we've been doing uh for almost, I think, five years. Five years. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it is crazy.

But if we really look at the formula, you overworked and me completely unstable. So it has to be that magic zone where you're not naked in someone's yard and I'm not on an international tour. You have a slight window of availability that can creep through half clothes and sweating. If off the chance I come home and she's already in my house on an uninvited, naked teeth chattering. I'm like, let's just get a microphone and talk it through. I want to go on a journey and I want the listeners to, to, uh, to come in the backseat with us. I am too. I think obviously we're really good at having fun, light conversation, but we accidentally

touch on nuggets sometimes in a good way. I don't like to admit we help people, but I think we do. So we're basically, like you can think about it like this. Like we're in the drivers in the past. We're driving a car. You're in the backseat. We're going cross country over beauty land. How old are you?

23. Okay. Yeah. I'm in a car seat. Yeah, you're in a car seat. Got it. And, you know, we're driving, not drunk, but every once in a car seat got it and you know um we're we're dry we're we're driving not drunk and but every once in a while we're gonna clip some mirrors and we're gonna get you know

and uncover some truths as an avid podcast listener let me explain something too on itunes and all that the algorithm understands likes and reviews r&r baby so please subscribe literally go to the review section i don't care what you write. Actually, I do. I don't care if you write these two fags and you jump off a cliff. But for some reason, the algorithm understands. Did you know this? It understands reviews and ratings and likes. Mama, math, numbers.

But it could be all negative reviews. And I think it still understands it. Really? Well, let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive. Keep it beautiful. If you ain't got nothing good to say,

why don't you just shut the fuck up and stay the fuck home? Since it's called The Bald and the Beautiful, do you think we should have some kind of like, stay beautiful? Like sign out? Is that too much? Team too much?

I don't know. I'm not sold on that one. Okay, what about different voices? Stay beautiful. Or no, shine on, bald, and stay beautiful. no shine on bald and stay beautiful oh my god

yeah shine on Bye.