The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Nothing Is More Terrifying Than Diane Lane Under the Tuscan Sun with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

The fog has settled in, surrounding the dark soulless condo nestled amongst the broken dreams and shattered souls of Hollywood. High above the urine-stained street, a lamp flickers dimly in a window. Faint shadows on the walls can be seen from below, giving only a tiny glimpse into the horrible monstrosities that dance within. Two hairless, beady-eyed incubi sit opposite each other, their bony claw-like hands holding microphones as they laugh and jest and mock humanity between ads for underwear and sex toys. The full moon breaks through the clouds as dusk finally arrives, causing the two vile creatures to transform into wigged, makeup-caked women, concealing their true demonic forms and allowing them to unleash a symphony of murder, mayhem, and dismemberment upon the fine citizens of Tinseltown. Lock your windows, bolt your doors, and draw the shades, because this Bald Halloween shall end in bloodshed... Check out the new season of American Horror Story; AHS:NYC on FX and streaming on Hulu! Cancel unnecessary subscriptions now with RocketMoney! Go to: https://www.Rocketmoney.com/BALD Right now, Mindbloom is offering our listeners $100 off your first six session program when you sign up at https://Mindbloom.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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collecting candy. I'm going to see The Craft tonight. Oh, that's spooky. Witchy, spooky fun. Well, right before this started, either I told David it was tomorrow, which is Saturday, or he thought it was tomorrow, which is Saturday. Either way, he's not here in town tonight,

and we were supposed to go together. So now... Sounds like a disaster. I'm either going to have to... Find a new David. I might wear all black and go to Sinispia by myself and sit on that fucking thing like this. I don't know if that's a good idea.

I think I'm sitting next to Brie Larson. That's great. She's a huge fan of the dolls. Local lesbian. Is she a lesbian? Oh. I don't know. Local lesbian.

Brie Larson. I don't know. Anybody who likes us, I just assume they have some kind of... Captain Mar-Vell. Yeah. Not one of the girls. Is Captain Mar-Vell a lesbian, right right she's got a very dykey quaff that mavel oh she's out well she's out

in the town tonight honey spread those legs i don't know what her orientation is but if she decides to be queer i accept her and i support her yes i loved her i fucking love well i love her and everything united states of tara um captain marvell captain marvell um scott pilgrim versus the world she plays that yeah bitch she sings that black sheep song and then that other movie where she just slayed the house down it was incredible she's always incredible she gives it you know serving hunty she eats she gives she serves and she does gives it. She's always serving hunty. She eats. She gives. She serves.

And she does it fiercely. Yeah. She always serves hunty. It's very strange for the diva. We've been having a very active Halloween life, actually, because we went to Terror Vault, which I never go to haunted attractions. You don't? Scared. Too scared.

What a thrill that was, though. Too scared. Too scared. When we were sitting down and that woman came over right by you, you were very scared i get scared it was so funny that's what i'm saying if you're doing a haunted thing or you make a horror movie i'm the guy because i'm never going to go to something and be like let's see if this scares me right i go in like did you hear that yeah they're like this is under the tuscan sun. I'm like, this is complicated. That's Diane Keaton.

And I wouldn't say I spook easily, but I like being scared. So I go into it with perfect love and perfect trust. Your game. Your game. The same way like I go to comedy, ready to laugh. I go to a sad thing, ready to cry. You go to a lobster boil with your fucking bib on. A hundred percent.

And I get wrapped up in, I get wrapped up in the media. The local clam. What? No, like when I see the up in the media. The local clam. What? No, like when I see the movie or the film. Oh, yes. I get really wrapped up in what's going on. Of course. Yeah.

Invested, shaken. Yeah. And I have these, you know, I'm so open that I would say programs have an opportunity to imprint on me too fiercely. Oh. Watchmen. Watchmen. Yeah. Golden Girls.

Things I become obsessed with forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we've seen Terrible saw halloween ends i'm gonna watch a lot of horror movies this this week or so yeah it's a fan i gotta show you a fan gift that i got hold on my favorite halloween costume of all time this has to be either kitty or horsey hard to say they're both so fierce. And it's impossible not to serve hunty. When you're a kitty or horsey.

I got a fan gift in the mail. And you know I love. That's a large gift hun. Yeah. You know I love Friday the 13th. Of course you do. He sent me. It's a giant hockey stick.

Blu-rays of every single film in the series. No Blu-ray. That's a DVD. But. CD-ROM. That's a DVD. It's a Blu- No, Blu-ray, that's a DVD. CD-ROM? That's a DVD. It's a Blu-ray. Blu-ray?

Wow. It's 1 through 13, so it doesn't have Freddy vs. Jason. 13 films and he never says a damn word. What is this? Well, he does a lot of stuff. Like there's, you know, he goes to New York. Jason takes Manhattan. I know.

I remember that one. I saw it in the theater. He goes to space. That one's crazy. Horrible. He dips a girl's face in hydrochloric acid and her face freezes and then he smashed her face. That's very Mortal Kombat Yeah, very Mortal Kombat. He also gave me whoever sent this I think his name's Let's see. He sent me a little note Hi Trixie and team had this extra first print set of Friday the 13th kicking around after learning you're a fan. I thought anyway

Gabriel Thank you Gabriel thanks Gabriel but look at what else what a lovely stack of blu-rays you got there oh your sex and mask my sex and mask your sex and mask

nice nice yellow is that regulation maybe it's aged oh yeah cheddar cheese

aged it looks like a poster from the film some toys and that make my Trixie doll fuck him a lanyard now when you were Oh yeah Cheddar cheese Aged It looks like a poster From the film Some toys And that make my Trixie doll fuck him A lanyard Now when you were

In high school Did you have a car No Okay well when I was In high school I had a car And it was like If you had a car You kept your keys

On a lanyard Why is that Because you wanted To make a huge show Of having a car You would like Jingle it around It's like a lot of this

Oh my god Jingle jingles Yes Yes yes yes yes yes Absolutely Wow that core memory Of like standing outside a high school. Jingle, jingle, jingle. Notice me, mom.

Look at me. I have a 93 Corsica with a broken window. Rich. Yeah. A 98 Acura Integra that is going to kill someone this afternoon. So I think what I'm going to do is, Dave and I did this a few years ago. We watched all of these in order. Bring a book.

And even though I love these movies right there I love movies they're not great and when you watch that many in a row you're like when I watch this many in a row I do go like oh why was this series so popular because it just because it like it was he was there you know what I mean he showed

up there he showed up and he showed up again and again and it's sort of I mean they basically tried to do Halloween, right? They tried to make, when Halloween happened, they tried to be fierce. Or sporty spice. Yeah. We'll give him a hockey mask, make a little beefy, you know. He's not even, Jason's not even in this till the second one.

In the second one, he doesn't even have a hockey mask on. Or a big butt. He plays hockey. Yeah. Everybody's got a big butt in hockey. But you know what is sickening? The final girl from the first one, top of the second movie, she dies. Top of the movie.

Wait, full circle? Wait, no, wait, wait. She's the final girl in the first one. And then the second movie, she dies. Top of the movie. Wait, full circle? Wait, no, wait, wait. She's the final girl in the first one. And then right in the second one, she dies first. Oh, that's great. That's a good way to connect. Yeah, then you're invested. You killed the person we thought you wouldn't kill.

Right. I mean, imagine. How dare they? Laurie Strode does die in one of the Halloweens, though. Yeah. One of the ones they now don't acknowledge. Oh, really? Because the 2018 Halloween jumps to

is this season of like, it's like witchy stuff. Season of the witch. Michael and Laurie aren't even in it because I think they were trying to expand the series to be like an anthology

about Halloween. Yes. Yes. But I think it's about a that's a little too broad. A costume store that is selling masks. Oh,

yes. And they're like Satanist or something. Yeah. Yeah. They're trying to get the whole town to do like a yeah,

like a big old nasty ritual. Put their breasts out. Big old nasty ritual. Big Beth from accounting is sugar tits in the moonlight. Now, if you could make a horror movie. Oh my God. Well, kind of more, like either producing or writing. Somebody gave you a billion dollars.

And you can make whatever kind of I'm basically I'm asking is if you could materialize it and have it exist and it's a movie that you worked on that you're gonna love I know exactly what it is

okay here we go it is a dream of mine so you know how they have like blaxploitation revenge like you know Quentin Tarantino's been on the little revenge kick

in Glorious Bastards revisionist revenge Django yes do the same thing but for aboriginals of America girl mama Bastards Revisionist Revenge Django Yes Do the same thing But for Aboriginals Of America

Girl Mama We are long overdue For this Piping hot tea Because Dances with Wolves Was not it

And Last of the Mohicans Was certainly not The last of the Mohicans Like We need a full on So I have the whole mood board The There

It's very Like exploitation The Indians are Impossibly stunning like ripped gorgeous lovely interesting fabulous every single one of them is beautiful a lot of intersex too trans and then the the white specter of doom that is coming across the pond from england brown tooth pulse like pustules on the face. Like they look so evil, so villainous, so horrible. And then they got the English teeth.

Yeah. And like little fire tuck haircuts and stuff. Yeah. It just, they look like whodunit and they're coming for the, yeah, it's crazy. And I have a lot of scenes I'd like to do. An opening scene that's very grisly. Oh, so it's like revisionist where like they don't succeed in invading. They don't at all.

They murder every single one of them white bucktooth bitches. Well, did you see every one of bitches. Did you see Predator? Yeah, it was nice. But it was a flavor of that. It was a flavor of that. But that was like an interloper came. I want the real... You're not welcome here? Yeah. I want the whole revenge thing and I want it good. I like that

too. We're long overdue for it. And I want it to be exploitation. Not accurate. We don't want accuracy. We want hot Indians kicking the shit and scalping white people and sky is it inaccurate that Indians are hot every single one of them hot That's true. Every single one not an ugly one in the munch I gotta say we got a lot of Native Americans in my family and ain't one of us on the cover of Sports Illustrated Okay, the only thing that happens is you get diabetes. Yeah, and you got nice thick hair. They take the leg The only thing that happens is you get diabetes and you get nice thick hair.

They take the leg. Wouldn't it be fierce though? Ian McKellen getting head chopped off? Yes. You know? And maybe it's not for profit. Maybe it all goes to... Oh, no. It's for profit.

Pure profit. Pure green profit. And the people at the helm, white blonde Anglo-Saxon back to England with the money now. Yeah. I think that's really interesting. Wouldn't it be great? Love revenge. It's long overdue. and back to England with the money now. Yeah, I think that's really interesting. Love revenge. It's the ultimate thing that's wrong with America.

Well, I mean, there's the slavery thing too. They talk about it in Watchmen. Yes, they do. They talk about all good topics. It is discussed in Watchmen. But until you can acknowledge something, you're not even beginning to process, apologize and heal. And the fact that like native American people,

reservations are really like, can you, what every time we think of you, we have to think of what we did. Can you? Yeah. Oh, there's this lovely,

dry, barren little stretch of land. Could you go over there forever yeah and that's the part that's really nefarious is like you're not here because we're protecting you at best we're treating you like we're sequestering you endangered species of animal yeah but that's how primate has rabies maybe he's got rabies yeah it's horrible but white people what are you gonna expect but expect? But fun fact about the bird industry. It's hard because so many birds are in rescues. Okay.

However, bird breeding and bird stores, bird industry of selling birds is for some species the only thing keeping them from being extinct. So it's like if we were like, no more bird breeders. You should adopt only. Several species could just go away because if they're not bred in captivity they're not like populous enough in the wild to survive so what i don't like i don't like that i don't i don't like what i don't like that we let animal species become so depleted and traumatized that they disappear forever nothing should generate to the point of yeah I mean dinosaurs yeah but like well that was like a comment or whatever right yeah but like humans killing like

the passenger pigeon or like that you don't I mean like yeah we don't need to disrupt the ecosystem so we always talk about like rich people poaching yeah that's not as big of a threat as like deforestation or like salmon fishing in the yemen they're saying like how many species of animal i was reading about how many of them have come and gone before we even like started paying attention to which ones are disappearing yeah gone gone gone gone gone but you know what though nature will have the last laugh you better believe it i'll tell you where they're gonna have the last laugh on the equator yes on the the the sands of the Pacific ocean. Oh,

it's going to be gone. Oh, gone. This I'm in the fourth floor. It's going to become a, Oh, this will be the lobby of the new Atlantis. You know what I mean?

The water will rise to my patio and I'll step out of this patio and I'll get in my birch by birch bark canoe and I'll canoe down to the pick and save. And I'll have a big bug net that I fish a loaf of bread that's six months old out of a puddle nice I love food I think you know you would be in that canoe you would tip over you would drown to death not great at canoeing yeah you know I used to go whitewater rafting because a lot of whitewater rafting up north yeah oh yeah and then I tried kayaking once and I was like oh this is how you die So this kayak flips over In the rapids You're done

You gotta use the paddle To flip It's a wrap How about the thing Where you stand on it And you go Like a gondola On your feet

On your two feet That seems crazy For two white people right I did it on my knees Because I was too afraid To get up on my feet I'm gonna take a break Oh let's take a break This episode is brought to you by CIBC.

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What is that? It reminds me of JC Catlin. I love that. That's great. I think this is either a fashion brand company or Chris Simpson. It reminds me of Julia Roberts, the singer. No, it's not Julia Roberts. Madonna, the singer.

Yeah. That's great. I think it's Jim Curry, the mask. I think it's a fashion brand company or it's Chris Simpson. Okay. That's great. I think it's... Jim Curry. Jim Curry. The mask. Yeah. I think it's Fashion Brand Company or it's Chris Simpson. Okay. Do you know him? Very funny illustrator.

Chris Simpson knows... So funny. Knows exactly how to reach in my body and touch my little... Funny bone. Funny bone and go like this. That bitch cracks me up. Yeah. Especially during the holidays.

Lovely Christmas posts on that page on the internet. Can we talk about moving for a second? Moving? Sure. You just moved. Rock and roll movers. Four times the charm. Okay.

You moved in the four times. Yeah, they moved me. I didn't move. Now, how much pre-moving did you do? Were you there? Did they box everything up? So the last time they did, they walked into my gross, lazy ass apartment. They boxed everything up.

They packed it and they shipped it and then whatever. And then you had to deal with unboxing like random items. No, no, no, no, apartment. They boxed everything up. They packed it and they shipped it. And then whatever. And then you had to deal with unboxing like random items. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't unbox it. I smoked and I hovered like cigarettes. And I was like, you know, like a creep, like a crazy person. And I paid a lot of money to do that.

But how did they know where things were going? I'd tell them. You know, I would be supervising. Not helping though. Okay. I need to do that. Yeah. At'd tell them. You know, I would be supervising. I'm not helping though. Okay, I need to do that. Yeah. At the new house.

Well, if you pay for it, it's a service that they offer and it's really wonderful. So it's like another level of moving where like we're there during the pack up.

Yeah. We're there doing the unpack. So then when they leave, the boxes are gone and your house is unpacked. They fuck you. Oh, but I wait.

Do you know how, do you know how? This is the thing. This is not a pie in the sky thing and they show up and i'm in like i don't know like a blouse that's kind of open like a rosie the riveter bandana over the head like i've been working at home yeah and i'm like oh i just do it i can't lift the and then they see the riveter yeah like a like a bandana on the head like i've been working like lucy i know yeah yeah and then they're like i'm like god you guys work out i'm like oh my god can i just i'm like touching the arm and i'm like wow i guess i should suck your cock right yeah i guess yeah i left my wallet on my other purse but i have this pussy in the middle of my face called a mount

you probably should fuck it or else, but I'll go to jail No, listen rock and roll movers very sexy people who work for you though. That's a fantasy and that's not real Mmm, I agree. I agree. No, it's a power dynamic issue. It's a balance of power. Mm-hmm. It's a try guy situation Yeah, why don't you try not having sex at work guy? Hello, we're not talking about that. We're not talking about that, but I'm sick of acting like he's Osama bin Laden. Mama, that was more than the war in Iraq. The war in Iraq wishes they got as much screen time as that fucking Try Guy with the philanderer.

If having sex with somebody besides my husband is a crime, then you are Osama bin Laden. Shackle me up, bitch, Because everybody's run train on this pussy. You know what? It gives Tati Westbrook, this is a situation I never thought I would be embroiled in. It's crazy. But let's just say that

if I ever want to have sex with someone, they better have never worked with me and never have worked for me and never will. Yeah. Because, I mean, they're already going to be dissatisfied. And dismembered by the end of it.

Yeah. I just, I thought it was funny. Did you have a slutty tour? I had several enriching, wonderful sexual encounters that I will remember for the rest of my life. Fond memories. Beautiful men. Great big weenies. Good times.

Yeah, no, I did. Great oldies. Great. Oh, yeah. All the oldies. All the hits. All the. Yeah, I was good. I Great old Yeah all the oldies All the hits All the Yeah I was good

I'm not gonna tell I don't I've been recently Chastised for kissing and telling Thank you very much On this podcast You know what I'll just say this

If you If you have the nerve To pretend you don't know Who I am the whole time We're fucking I have a right to go Talk about your dick On my podcast

Yeah Let's have that conversation I I name drop No I didn't name drop I described an encounter with someone whose name i omitted there was no way you could possibly notice that person and they were just like what are you gonna do talk about me on your podcast again yes i will yeah so whatever i'm not saying your name i'm not saying your social security number no but am i allowed to yeah like is the grocery store gonna get mad at me if i complain about the carts Not being returned Wait what

Like if I come on the podcast And complain about Something Or talk about something Yeah Am I supposed to talk about No people places or things While I'm here

Right I see what you mean Yeah And we're keeping it anonymous Very much so Not even like Not even tea Also Also how come when

Carrie Brownstein What's her name Carrie Brownstein Carrie Bradshaw How come when she does it It's like She gets a hundred thousand dollars A year

I talked about his Curved penis And I couldn't help but think Could I be with a guy With a curved penis I better talk Like how come then It's fun and trendy

But when I talk about Your dad Opening me up Like an envelope It's over a line Yeah stuff in your mouth Full of clam chowder Yeah

The double standards You know what If you're having sex with me You have bigger issues You should be ashamed opening me up like an envelope. Yeah. It's over a line. Yeah. Stuff in your mouth full of clam chowder. Yeah. The double standards. You know what? If you're having sex with me, you have bigger issues. You should be ashamed of a different level. Self esteem. Generational trauma. Who should I sleep with to make myself feel better?

What about the bald crossdresser? Yeah. The one with the bite with the beady eyes. Girl. I mean, I don't know. But so anyways, I,

um, did I had, yes. To answer your question. Yes. And to move. At this point, I've seen know. But so anyways, I did. I had. Yes. To answer your question. Yes. And to move. At this point, I've seen more soft dicks than a than an undertaker. You know.

You don't need to tuck now. I tie a string around my head of my dick. And the other end is the other. The other string is on a golf ball. And I shove that golf ball up my ass. And that's how it keeps the. He's a tight. You wish up a golf ball up your shoved that golf ball up my ass and that's how it keeps the keeps it tight you ever shove a golf ball up your ass yeah i yeah you ever super super glue your dickhead to your anus damn would you i would i tiger would who's your favorite golfer just off the top of my head jack nicholson donald j no not donald

i's the only person i've ever seen inson donald j no not donald i's the only person i've ever seen in a golf outfit uh barack obama i think yeah big old les loves the golfing i gotta imagine that at the women's golf championships it's probably a good camaraderie one of the girls yeah camaraderie and then good sportsmanship dust in the air and and and les and yeah yeah it sounds like a buzzsaw but it's really just cunnilingus. Yeah. I'm doing Stagecoach the same night as Melissa Etheridge and if I don't get to meet her.

What is Stagecoach? It's a music, it's a kind of like Coachella for folk music. Oh, for CPAC people. Yeah, it's in Palm Springs. Okay. Stagecoach.

I'm doing it the same night as Melissa Etheridge and if I don't get to meet her, I'm going to KMS. You're going to kill yourself in front of her. I'm going to KMS. Give her generational trauma.

The good way or the hard way? Yeah. Do you know about what happened to Bjork the bomb thing yes I do do you know about the man who sent a video

of himself killing himself yeah I didn't know about that until I read about it and when I found out about it I was disturbed by it yeah

poor thing I know now when did she hit that reporter love that video I know my favorite one is um if we get famous enough that people are taping us at lax oh we'd never by the way never gonna happen those the 90s are over you know what i mean there's no more paparazzi where do we brangelina uh tmz and stuff is constantly at the airport are they what chasing after charlie

d'amelio let's say you're kylie jenner and you have like a drama they're gonna be at the airport. Are they what chasing after Charlie D'Amelio? Let's say you're Kylie Jenner and you have like a drama. They're going to be at the airport. But they're at the airport because you hired them to produce the drama. Oh, okay. What about this?

Well, I don't want to, well, I don't want to, okay. What about this? I get really ahead of myself. You have an idea, but you want to. Well, I have this idea

that you and I trick people into thinking we're together. And we do it by going to somewhere like Rocko's West Hollywood. We're sitting across from each other. We're holding hands and we, we call,

we tip off paparazzi ourselves and then they're photographing us like together. I think we have to, I will listen. We break up and we do like a breakup tour and people like, I'm just saying we can monetize our friendship further by fucking. I know, but I think that we go a step further and we do a deep fake where we,

it is more is revealed when the clothes come off. Are their genders the same ones that they were assigned at birth? I don't know. Stay tuned to find out. 1995. These were two women impersonating men, impersonating women the whole time. It was a Connie and Carla situation. But wait, there's more.

Do you have $20? Go to this website and then you can see full, well-lit photos of their genitals gaping wide open. Come back here to see my pussy. Exactly. Did you want me to top you? I don't know. But like it would be Mickey Rourke and Dog the Bunny Hounder. The Bunny Hounder.

The Bunny Hounder. Are people still having anal? I think everybody I know now is either what everybody i know now is either s and m fist up the butt or they're aside not gold side is the new verse side is the new like i don't have i'm just catching up to regular like the regular anal top verse wait top verse top top verse verse bottom bottom side is like saying verse whatever, like verse bottom versus top. You're just a top or a bottom. That's not true. I take it back.

Never mind. You should have like a Venn diagram of like the sex acts you want to like. There should be like a what's that personality test? E.N.T.M.J. Four. Yeah. Myers-Briggs, I think. Yeah.

They should have that for sex. And so you can present like, yeah, you're a group. Infographic. Yeah. Yeah. I like boobs, butts. But like if you want to drink piss, I'm willing to do that about 1% of the time. Yeah.

Or never. People really do. I feel like they are very clued in and very informational about what exactly they're into, when they're into it, and how much they're into it online. That's what I say. Yeah. I love getting the mail. I love being naked.

I love jerking off. I love, you know, fucking oldies, whatever. They just list it all in the order of importance. And it's really great. I will say this with David. I didn't know much. It was a little wholesome because it was Tinder. And I think Tinder is less slutty.

Is that by choice or by? Well, I was actively seeking a boyfriend to date. So I think it was more. You had to go to Tinder because you couldn't date one of them sluts who always has their clothes off on grinder right well he had a picture of himself with a dog and i thought oh well dogs don't hate him so he's not possessed by the devil okay then i saw him in like a one of his pictures was him in like italy like a boat okay and i was like oh he's so worldly he's gonna take me to italy the jewish star then you're like cha-ching yeah yeah yeah exactly let's be honest i zoomed in on the picture and i saw the little yes the jew yeah totally i

did i i don't obviously read hebrew um but there was this girl i follow on youtube and she had a little hebrew sign on her necklace in a big part of the video i thought why is she wearing a pie symbol i really thought it was a pie symbol? I really thought it was a pie symbol. And I went, it's not a pie symbol. Well, it could have been, but it looked like a pie symbol on the necklace.

It was like this big. Well, juice love pie. Who doesn't? In math too. 3.14159. Say it again for the folks in the back. Now,

when you were in school, did you do well with like geometry when it comes like circles and radiuses and no i was all squares squares no i i was bad at math i've got b's in math a's and everything else do you like physics never took it nor did i take chemistry big regrets of my life the two biggest regrets of my life not taking physics or chemistry in high school physics was cool because it was talking about like math in relation to the real world yeah the apple off the tree that's fun the bra comes off and the boobs come out right that's physics and what did you say calculus did you say no i said um you regret not physics and chemistry two huge regrets of my life i wake up every day like are you serious no oh but like i mean that'd

be funny like you know chemistry was the hardest i've ever felt that's like math and science i was a kid who got good grades and chemistry stripped me of all my all my sense of she knocked you down i had to fight to get a c like why it was so hard if anybody studied chemistry it and you want to talk about a class where everything builds on itself you don't learn that periodic table like they tell you in the first two weeks? Oh, yeah, you're screwed. It's over, bitch.

It's like trying to have a conversation about the ABCs. It's tough. It got so hard so fast. Couldn't keep up. And I was going into the teachers outside of class and crying. I was like,

I don't get in. Were they laughing at you, laughing in your face, telling you you'll never catch up? No, but I just, everybody has different styles of teaching. Sounds like you have a big regret in your life too. I wish I had got it more. There's time.

And same with beauty school. I don't like that there's an academic thing I didn't finish. Well, we got about 25 minutes left. Let's go. Yeah, go now. They're probably still open. Somebody of my profile can just go down to Paul Mitchell and put a curler in someone's hair. No.

Yes. You go right down to Vidal Sassoon. They give you an honorary doctorate or whatever. Get the fuck out of there. It won't take 15 minutes. Bang trims. I want to open a store where we just do bang trims. It's a salon.

They're 10 minute appointments. Bang trims. $50 to $100 depending on if it's like blonde or brunette, which changes every day. And there's no money back and no talking. I'm actually really fine with that. Yeah. The collab that you always wanted is finally here. Tim's and Nutella.

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slash ways to save. TD. Ready for you. This episode is brought to you by New Balance Running. New Balance believes if you run, you're a runner. Whether you're going for your first ever run around the park or going for your personal best in a marathon. Speed, strength, stamina.

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I'm going to dress up either as like a kitty or a horsey or a vampy. Maybe a vampire. That's fun. $10 Dracula. Love it. One of those plastic plastic fangs that make your gums bleed. And then the plastic

cape that's 10 inches long. And then red jelly blood. White, very like streaky. What does it look like? Toothpaste? And then it dries up. And then some coal around the eyes. It's so good. So sexy.

Paint your nails. No. That's too much eyes. It's so good. So sexy. Paint your nails. No. That's too much work. Too gay. That's too committed. $10 Dracula is very not committed. What do you think about like a Bela Lugosi? Like what?

Yeah. Bela Lugosi? Well, there's Bela Hadid. Yes. Yeah, Bela Lugosi. And then Bela Lugosi. And then basically the same person. You know, she was a dog before she became a model.

Bela Hadid? Dog. Are you serious dog before she became a model. Bella Hadid? Dog. Are you serious? Woof, woof. Are you serious? Yes. Before and after Bella Hadid. Look it up when we're done.

You will gag. Well, that's like the Kylie billboards. Yeah. I'm like revisionist history at its best. No, I think it's moving forward confidently into the future. You know what I mean? Yeah. She looked like a dog woman.

Woof, woof. And she's like, it's a stunner now. Yeah. And we also like, I don't know do we need i'm okay with like rebus rebus sold lipstick for a while and i actually was fine with but that's what i'm fine with i see what you mean not everybody who sells lipstick should have to like get through the pay the pay gate of having big inflated lips right of course because i also like as a makeup consumer I want to know what a normal person thought of that product. Right.

Yeah. Not like. Not. Yeah. Because some people have great lips for lipstick and it just. Well, anything will look good on their lips. You don't want to sell it. You don't want lipstick from that person.

You want Reba to be like, oh, wow, she had one orange lip, but it looked really great. I want that one. You know, that's a good point actually maybe she has lip sound but she has a really strong underbite I'm really into underbites right now

there was a guy there was a guy in Halloween well Billy Eichner underbite there was a guy in Halloween ends at an underbite

and now on camera I look right I think it's very attractive look what does that show it oh it's like sling blade that kind of thing I don't know I think like Jimmy Kim attractive look. What is it like show it? It's like sling blade That kind of thing. I don't know. I think like Jimmy Kimmel has a slight one

Mmm, is it is it a kind of like a charming doofus kind of vibe? No, it's like most people's their their teeth over their bottom teeth, but I think people under by it kind of sits equal or forward Like the kid in your school who used to say humbug. Oh my God. That's adorable. Very cute. Yeah. But I think it also normally goes with the underbite. I'm all for people having healthy teeth,

but I don't consider an underbite something people have to correct. I think it's a kind of a good look. I mean, Patty Arquette has the best grill in Hollywood in my opinion. She doesn't have like fake teeth. They're like so wonderfully. Yeah, she's good. And she has a unique set of chompers that are very dazzling from far away.

I like when people have funky teeth. I do too. Heidi. I cried when you got veneers for three weeks straight. I know you did. Every night and in the morning. Well, next year, I'm going to get the bottoms next year. Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to kill myself. Well, I'm also getting a lower third. You're going to get the jaw replaced? I'm going to get the bottoms next year. Oh, my God. I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. Well, I'm also getting a lower third. You're going to get a jaw replaced? I'm going to get a full body lipo and a body lift. If I hear you're in Turkey, I'm going to kill. Istanbul. Istanbul. I will be there on the chopping block table.

I stand with bullshit that she got her teeth fixed. Girl, they're going to be cutting into me like Brie. You're going to come back looking like Amanda Lepore. Entirely. Blonde eyebrows. Hi, I'm Tritzy. And my face, I'm going to look like Fame

all the time. Just emerging from a pool, a beautiful blue crystal pool. Fame is, she's aging in reverse. I know. And that's such a cliche, but she's really doing it.

That's such a cliche, but she's really doing it. I'm a cliche But she's really doing it I'm out here looking like One of the California raisins And she is doing Young tight puffy wet I know Tight pussy Young girl

Puffy wet skin She Puffy wet skin She does all She can do all those trends That are like reserved For like 22 year old TikTokers And she's in her late 30s

Yeah So variety That's also part of it she gets over really young she sleeps she goes she drinks water and she also

does a lot of the treatments you know I don't think she exercises much no who has the time when you're in those fashion magazines modeling

I hope she's in like one of those old fashioned sweat things that goes up to the neck where you like sit in it well she has chickens that's like that could tire you out

that's the fountain of youth you know chickens are yeah animals that goes up to the neck where you like sit in it. Well, she has chickens. That's like, that could tire you out. That's the fountain of youth. You know? Well, chickens are, animals. Well, Halloween.

That was the Halloween episode? Yeah. We didn't even talk about it. I tried to steer it. I was like, what are you being for Halloween? And then, you know, you didn't ask me.

Oh, so you're going to be, oh man, well, I got three costumes ready. Okay, what do you got? I got, I got a costumes ready Okay, what do you got? I got

I got a mummy Like a mummy cat suit With big pink Bride of Frankenstein hair Okay, but that sounds like A full look It's like a Halloween look Yeah, yeah, yeah

And I might do green skin I thought pink hair Green skin Like a monster high dog Would be cool I have a You know, I love Reader 911 I know you do

I have a Clementine outfit Okay You know, Wendy McLennan-Covey Yes Blonde yes blonde hair t-shirts latisha i am afraid of people getting mad that i'm dressed as a police officer even though i'm dressed as all the time don't do it jackie you don't do it yeah i know it's not even fun like it's fun to laugh at them but you don't want to yeah so i'm having that made but i don't think i'm gonna actually be able to wear it. Maybe if you, yeah. Terrifier 2. Goes to clown. Terrifier 2. Yeah.

And then I'm probably for one of my DJ gigs, I'm going to do an actual black tights, black shoes, black dress, cat ears. Oh,

I love that. The classics never die. Yeah. And I like to look like Trixie going to, Trixie, look, I like to look like

Trixie stopped by Spirit Halloween on the way to the gig. I love that. Yeah, it's great. Dumb bitch Trixie goes to Halloween party. People dress as me for Halloween, not the other to the gig I love that Yeah it's great Dumb bitch Trixie Goes to Halloween party

People dress as me For Halloween Not the other way around Thank you Oh The best is how When people dress up as me It's usually a read

When people dress up as you It's usually a girl And she looks great I know She's like She's like getting a little wacky And she's like But she looks gorgeous

Gorgeous And she's wearing a cheerleader outfit Or like a little peasant dress And she's got She'll have one of your dresses on She'll be like I got it on your depop I had it taken in Yeah I cut it in half But she looks gorgeous. And she's wearing a cheerleader outfit or like a little peasant dress. And she's got, ugh. She'll have one of your dresses on. She'll be like, I got it on your Depop. I had it taken in.

Yeah, I cut it in half and then took it in. It's like, whoa. It's amazing. Yeah. Be safe out there, especially if you're dressing as me and Trixie. And watch out for razor blades in your chocolate. Gotta tell you. Gotta tell you.

You have off this year for Halloween? You said that three times already. You trying to shame me, though? No, you gotta find a way to hand out candy. It's so fun. I found it. It's in my house. It's not hard.

Wait a minute. They come to your house? Yeah. In the hills. Do you know what trick or treating is? You walk around. But not every neighborhood. Not every neighborhood.

Well, I have a big sign that says, come to this house for candy or I'll kill myself. No, I think they're going to come to my house. Why wouldn't they? I would make sure it's going to happen because it's really enjoyable. I want you to do it. It's fine. I gonna come to my house. Why wouldn't they I would make sure it's gonna happen because it's really enjoyable You want I want you to do it I'm gonna do it but why no I'm I guess me because there's no side Well, they don't do every neighborhood. They'll be designated like I bet south of Melrose over here. What's all houses? Yeah, everything's funny games south of Melrose So if you can't fight if they're not coming to your house

Make sure you find someone's house to go to b e you had to get a bucket this big of those and e reese's um yeah i was gonna say what is your favorite top three favorites mama it's snickers for me snickers um a full candy bar rolo and then um um uh a pack of nerds okay a snickers a rolo and a nerds reese's Reese's pumpkins, which are second best to Reese's Christmas trees, which are turnt. Yeah. Although Reese's Easter eggs are also turnt. Yeah. So Reese's pumpkins, and now they make white ghosts.

It's Reese's peanut butter with white chocolate. Oh, that's great. It looks like a ghost. Fun. I like those. I'm also, this is a little bit of a throwback, but I love those Tootsie Rolls that are fruit flavored. Oh. Not the chocolate. Tootsie Rolls that are fruit flavored. Oh.

Not the chocolate. Tootsie Roll kind of makes them, but they're like fruity. Okay. Love those. And. We throw a blow pop in the trash or you eat it? I'll eat it. I'll eat it.

This is kind of corny, but I also love like a pencil, like a wooden pencil with like pumpkins on it. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's fun wait do you love videos of like the person pretending

to be a scarecrow and then the kid comes to take the candy in there yeah we had the talking pumpkin in our neighborhood scaring kids

primo primo primo I'm so ready to move in with David you can scare the shit out of him scare the shit out of him

hide in the home hide in the home for days hide in the home you should go on a trip and like just you know he doesn't listen to the podcast so I never have to worry about him finding things out I really want while I'm out of town one weekend to hire people to do masks out the window that's not good that's not good

but they're not gonna hurt him yeah but imagine they give him the gate code purge Mary and imagine he's watching TV and he sees someone just out the window in a mask. No, naked though. It's got to be all hereditary. And then he gets scared. And while he's scared, there's someone in the house.

There's someone in the house with a knife. And they kill him. No, they don't kill him. Well, maybe they stab him. But they stab him somewhere where he should be focusing on at the gym. But this is sort of the gift here is that he gets to be

the final girl oh because he survives this well happy Halloween and goodbye happy Halloween yeah love it Bye.