The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Gays with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

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Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. I just want to, I have like so much in my mind going on. Are you okay? If I ever get a chance to go to space, like Katy Perry, I know that it's like bad press. I know that it's whatever. I want to go to space. And if I ever get that opportunity,

I know it might make people mad and it might seem tone deaf or whatever, but I'm going to space. Go for 11 minutes. Do it. Because guess what? Four minutes. She's been to space 11 minutes longer than me or anybody I'll ever meet.

And I think space is cool. And if it makes the whole world turn on me, I will still be like, bitch, I see you all. I see you in this tiny blueberry in the sky. And I know your tea. I could see your house. I could spit on you from up there. But see, you'd be so connected to love upon return

that it wouldn't matter. Gun to your head. If you got a free trip to space for 11 minutes today, would you go? On the Blue Origin? Yes. No, I would not. You wouldn't go to space just to see it? No, because I don't even want to get on an airplane.

But I'm saying like, I would also take a free submarine trip. I would also take like, if it's somewhere exotic, I'm going. Baby, I'm not going to be another billionaire going down and getting crushed like a bug. I know. In that little submersible, which is Conti. I know. We're probably gonna flip a tour bus and die anyway.

Thank you. Okay. Let's have that conversation. Let's have that conversation. Do you know what happens to RVs when they crash? They explode. They completely collapse. Oh, they're just, they fall apart.

They're not made to take impact. When they tip over, the walls literally just collapse. Buses probably too. Well, if you think about it, it is like a shanty on wheels. It completely is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely Oprah. Well, if you think about it, it is like a shanty on wheels. It completely is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely Oprah.

You'd really go to Blue Origin. What would you say? You know, I was just, this morning I was just like, I know that people have gotten mad at Gayle King and whoever, whatever. I know that it's tone deaf, but I would love to see space. Wait, let's unpack.

Why is it tone deaf? Like why is it, what about it is enraging to people, do you think? Well, if we're having harsh and real conversations about money for veterans, you know. Income inequality. Yes. Like, things that money could really go to.

But is it Katy Perry's responsibility as an entertainer to feed the children? I guess. According to public opinion, it is. Well, I think it's just, it's, I think it's such a frivolous, expensive activity during a time of such hardship in like international strife. But I was like if you hate one trip to the, if you hate one trip to the moon, bitch you're gonna hate how often that

bitch flies private for 20 years. I was gonna say, then you're gonna really get to, get Taylor Swift If you look at Taylor Swift's mileage on that PJ, maybe you're way mo Taylor's in a way mo with no driver. She's an uber group. What do you call the a1 to get around? Baby get into the a1 I can't tell what's a1 or not these days. I can't tell what they want or not I don't know. I don't know either. I know it was not a one this morning This morning, baby You could never come my blood game at the bathroom counter with the with the gum flossing you could never You are so why because I floss so it does bleed

When I did that water pick this morning, I said, ooh girl. No when girls are flossing and there's blood I'm always like new money. Oh, you know, flossing and there's blood, I'm always like, new money. Ugh. You know, like, because if you floss all the time, there is no blood. That's how they get you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girl, I got to tell you this. I went to Dr. Sun.

Hi, Dr. Sun. Hey, hey. And they have a new dental hygienist. And I'm always nervous when I go to the hygienist, because they always read me. No matter how good I take care of my teeth, they always read me. They're like, bitch, are you a pirate?

What's wrong with you? Your teeth are. Have you ever seen a bathroom, a toothbrush, or some toothpaste? Your teeth are wingdings, symbols, right? Runes. Yeah. You know, I'm always desperately just trying to get

my real teeth to match my fake teeth. It's the melting pot in my mouth. You can still get the original? These are real and these are fake. Oh. And it's the melting pot of America in my mouth. Okay. So I'm always trying to get everybody to kind of

respect one another color. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a team effort. It's a team effort. It's all different cultures coming together in my mouth. Yeah. It's the real spirit of America. For sure.

For sure. It's the Blue Origin. For sure. Asia O'Hara's teeth are the Blue Origin. That is a blinding blue white that you see at the end of your life. Her teeth are absolutely stunning. Insured. When people say they had a near death experience

and they asked what they saw, they say, Asia O'Hara's smile. It's so blindingly white. It's incredible. I mean, her in Vegas in like, you know, lights and camera and action and sequence and the most dazzling thing on the stage are what's in your mouth.

Those chompers, baby. Get in line, you could never. They're so good, they look like you're real teeth My but listen, it's a it's a slippery slope and I have tumbled over the edge, baby Is it is it you it's a wrap you're in ruin. Yeah, it's a wrap It's the countdown is going down, you know death is coming to greet you as an old friend Oh, baby, I can see the scythe from here Yeah, and she's coming for the chompers first when I come in with some brown danglers. Y'all better watch out So I went to the dentist and I get in the chair and they do my cleaning and I like to

listen to pods while they clean. Did it hurt? Yeah, I mean the cleaning always, they're always like, Oh, do you floss? I'm like, not with a hook, bitch. You have a hook in my mouth. Not with a chainsaw. It's giving fisharama, boy scout fisharama. I have a hook in my mouth. So she, uh, she does the hook and at the end she goes, well, and they go, are they bad? She goes, you had about as much buildup as somebody would have in this amount of time since your last cleaning if they flossed every day.

She was like, these look great. For a dentist to say a nice thing, has that ever happened to anyone? I can tell she struggled it. She was like, how do I? She didn't know the adjective. She had to open the thesaurus. Has that ever happened to anyone? Never is it. I can tell she struggled it. She was like, she was like, how do I, she didn't know the adjective. She had to open the thesaurus. Do you know what it was?

It was like, are those the Chanel boots? Yeah. It was like, I could tell that bitch was plucked. It was Giselle Bunch. It was like, is that a Shu Uemura eyelash curler? I know, yes. She was so mad she had to put down her gun that she was gonna use.

In her machete. And she was like, well, I guess you flossed and I'm plucked and I'm going home now. She took her serrated knife off of the stove. No, she did. She did the smile, like smile. And she took it like, she couldn't believe it. It was Bird Box.

She jumped out the window. It was so crazy. I've just never at the dentist and felt affirmed, gender affirmed, spiritually affirmed. Pouring out for the hygienist. What is her name? Can we get her on blast over here? Well, she was just like, you know,

she was a newer hygienist. And I think she was not new, new to my clinic, but obviously she was a pro. She was in and out. She did a great job. She was born in the game. I love a good cleaning where it's not painful and they do a great job and it's quick.

Never knew her. Never knew her. Never met her. But I will be back every three months. Oh yeah. And I think I will be signing up if they have some appointments open. Do you go to Dr. Son? I surely the fuck don't. Never knew her. Never met her. But I will be back every three months. And I think I will be signing up if they have some appointments open. Do you go to Dr. Son?

I surely the fuck don't. She's amazing. I go to someone who I think was trained in Nazi Germany. Ha ha ha! It is, I told you the last time I went to the gay dentist. He's so handsome. Oh sure, whatever, who cares though. I mean, like my eyes are closed and crying

and my mouth is open in pain. He had one foot on, it was like that sweet pussy Pauline clip. I got one foot on the dresser. And one foot on the end table. I'm not joking. To get leverage with his hook of death. What's he pulling out of there? A bale of hay?

I guess he was scraping out like the Hope diamond that was lodged in my molars or something. It was a little cartoonish. I know I've told this story before, but it's like, I'm like, you know what? This is a level of violence that I'm not really interested in. Sure.

You know what I mean? Have you seen In A Violent Nature? You know that bad horror movie where it follows the killer from the back? No. And he goes, oh, well, it's bad, but anyways, he like hooks this girl and rips her head through her torso

and he throws her off a cliff. That's pretty much what- It follows over the shoulder? Yeah, it follows him from the back. That honestly sounds like a movie that's some straight guy in college, but you honestly need to see it. It is like-

That's it. That's it. It's that T. But there's some really outrageous kills in it, and that's one of them. And that's how it feels when I go to the hygienist, which is why I haven't been in a year. Doctor, I can't... Dentist is horrible. You know, my sister, can I be vulnerable? Please. My sister Desiree, I don't been in like a year. Doctor, so I can't, dentists is horrible.

You know, my sister, can I be vulnerable? My sister Desiree, I don't wanna embarrass her. She died? No, no. Just kidding. I never talk about her. She's not like, she kind of watches us. She's a fan of you.

Nobody in my family thinks that I'm funny. I think they think that I'm lucky to be here for you to keep me clothed and employed. They think that you're a dazzling star. You're a dazzling, hilarious star and I'm a moocher. Love you, darling. Desiree, my number one fan. How are you today, Desiree?

I'm the big time moocher. So. Let's go with that storyline. Basically, she was. Twirling the pookie, no, I'm just kidding. No, you know, me, her, my sister, everybody, we're all in the same boat. We came from, you know, Wisconsin State Dental for poor children doing the best they can which is honestly one visit a year

Wait, wait, so you got Dan Desiree Dan Desiree Sam and me same for Dan has pretty amazing teeth But Sam and and Des and I are kind of always Running up that hill. You know, that's what that song's about. It's about declining teeth health. Running up that hill looking for dental insurance. Yes, make a deal with God. Like just trying to keep teeth in the mouth. People, I mean, I remember when I first went to Dr. Sun and she was like, she was like, wow, you know, she was like, these are, these, um, these, what do you call it? Not amalgam, whatever silver stuff they used to use on your teeth. Aluminum? No, it's called amalgam, whatever silver stuff they used to use on your teeth. Aluminum?

No, it's called like, I don't know. Emollient? Something like that. Amalgam? Amalgam is a mixture. Amalgam. Oh.

A silver filling is an amalgam. And she was like, they don't even do fillings like this anymore. She's like, where did you go? I said, the state paid for rural Wisconsin dentists once a year for 18 years. So now I go for four cleanings a year because they were like, you need to delay,

you need to make up for lost time. You need to keep the teeth good now. That makes sense. To derail what's coming to you, bitch. You ugly bitch. You fat bitch. Don't be fooled by the teeth that I got. I'm still whatever from the woods.

Jenny from the block. And I got, so my sister, I was like, you know what? You're working all the time. Let's like get your teeth health up 25. And- Critical age for the teeth. 25, yes. And I said, listen, I was in your boat.

At 25, I had to start going to my dentist and start basically turning back the cruel hands of time. Demo reno. Right. Demo, you had to do Trixie Motel in the mouth. Completely, if I could find a way. I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay. I don't know why I said the thing just sailed.

Oh, love, share. Do you believe in life after veneers? I know everyone's saying love, pink, but what about love, Cher? Sweetie, I don't think people, okay, everybody loves Cher and they should, duh. But if you really, really, really go deep, dive in, dive in deep into her catalog of just maybe

from the Sonny and Cher show, all the outfits, all the reveals, all the guest stars and the guest, the numbers they did, it's so deep and vicious, the catalog. It'll blow your mind. It'll blow your mind. It'll blow your mind. It's a great artist to get into. You'll never run out of shit.

Literally, you could start today at three years old and you could never catch up. You'll never catch up. And also you could never get my blood game. My sister and I had similar... Wait, did she resolve her issues? Okay, so we had similar fear of the dentist, which is when you know you didn't have

the best teeth care upcoming, coming up, you get really nervous as an adult to go in because you're embarrassed. You feel like, I just always felt like I was wearing my whatever's below blue-collaredness in my mouth. Poverty. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was embarrassed because I was embarrassed to be kind of shamed for not having better teeth. And how about being shamed and hurt at the same time? Right. It's crazy. And be kind of shamed and hurt at the same time? Right. It's crazy. And be kind of, you're mad at me that I didn't have access to better care because of America, you know. And so my sister, I said, let's get you a dentist.

I said, I'm telling you, once you know the name of the receptionist and the name of the dentist and the hygienist, once you start going often enough, you become less scared of it because you know them. And the first day you're back in the dentist, you're on the path to getting better versus delaying it because you don't want to go because you're embarrassed, which is why I always felt.

And so she and I teamed up and she has been going all the time and her smile is dazzling and her confidence and she's, I'm just so happy for her and love her. Love Desiree, love Desiree. Cause she and I were in the same boat. I was like, you just gotta swallow the pill and accept that you and I didn't have the perfect care and you just have to go take care of it.

It's diabolical because yeah, and it's a huge source of shame and economic shame in this country, especially in this fucking town. Yeah. And it's compounded by the fact that like, you have this problem and you need to go get it fixed, but it hurts like hell and Costs to cost cost so much. It's like hell and they make fun of you the whole time

Yeah, why the fuck would I want to go do that? No, no. Yeah, like I remember when I first went to my dentist I remember she was like looked in my mouth and she said cancel the appointments for the afternoon Oh, we're gonna need a belt, we're gonna need a jacket here. Honestly, but once you've been in that chair long enough and you get right with the Lord, you stay religious about the cleanups

because you're like, I don't want a backslide. Yes, but also you can, and what I have yet to do and however I plan to do it, you can advocate for yourself. You can say, hey, hold on, that hurts so much. I never thought I could say that. You do want to speak up if they think you're numb. The only way for them to not know is for you to say something.

I have been in that situation where I just sit there and take it, and it's like, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not doing that anymore. They're scraping the shit out of my mouth, and it hurts like hell. Do you know what I mean? One time in Australia, I had a inlay pop out. What does that mean?

So when they remove a big scoop on the inside of your tooth, they will, and I believe, dentists people, and I could be wrong, inlaying is where they build the filling in your mouth and outlaying, I think, is where they build it outside of your mouth and then put it, they like, they do an impression of what they have to fill.

And then while you're gone from the dentist, they make that piece and then they just put it in. Is it an implant of any kind? So your real teeth is in there, but the middle was filling. Oh, okay. So it popped out in Australia and I went to a dentist and they had Netflix on the ceiling mounted on a TV, but I did feel like this is double final destination

waiting to happen. The TV falling on the drill in my mouth and the dentist. You know what I mean? Oh, I hate that. I hate that. I mean, one time I got an MRI in LA and they also, they had a reflecting glass in the MRI that reflected a Netflix at the end of the room

so you could watch Netflix in the MRI. But that's conty. It was so conty. That's super conty. Because the other day I got one and you are just- Because you have to stand still forever. You're inside cunty. It was so cunty. That's super cunty. Because the other day I got one and you are just- Cause you have to stand still forever. You're inside dial-up.

Yeah, yeah. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Beat it up. That is what it is. My back. It was boring. Very boring. MRI is boring as hell.

Like girl. It's boring boots. It's time to, it's, you know, it's forced meditation. And I don't, I don't, I wanna, you know. So shout out to the teeth, Divas. I'm sorry you're bleeding, but if you get really into it, it will get better.

I'm not sorry, I'm not apologizing for my blood. No, I know, I have to go back. And I'm just like, I need to find a hygienist that is like, although, you know, it's funny, like the last hygienist I had, she was hysterical because she'd be hacking away like a serial killer at my mouth. But telling me about her, like, going whack... Saw.

Yes, saw in the technique, and then, like, sex in the city in the banter. Like, we were at brunch talking like girlfriends. Like, oh, I dated this guy last night. It was a total disaster. Hack, hack, hack. Like, it was... Actually kind of like a nice juxtaposition, it's sort of like... Yeah, but it was... You have the little paper thing on your chest, and she just takes a few of your fingers

and puts them on there. She's cutting off other stuff. She's like, we're gonna do those toes. Let's do those toes. Crimes of the future. You go to the crimes of the future, dentist. You gotta watch this Tim and Eric episode called Toes where it's like, he plays a doctor

who snips people's toes off. And the opening scene is this girl, this fabulous actress who goes to the doctor. She's like, so, he's like, so what can I do for you young lady? She's like, my toes, I don't want them anymore. And these- No, you do, you need them.

Snips them right off. Balance. Snips them right off. Yeah, they walk like this, and turns out he's been eating them toes the whole time. Spoiler alert. Dang. It's weird.

I'm mentally preparing myself because today I gotta do my Simsia shot. So I gotta go do the- Can I do, the Wolverine enzyme or whatever, and it basically cured my arthritis, that's been wonderful. But that motherfucker just bruises me to death. Oh my God, I can give you a bigger bruise than that. This is from one shot. That's intense. Well, it's hard because it's just skin and abs. So the needle almost bends.

Weird. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I can give you a bigger bruise than that. This is from one shot. That's intense. Well, it's hard because it's just skin and abs. So the needle almost bends when it hits me. Where is the fat? Well, in the picture they have this great big huge person pinching, but there's nothing to pinch on me.

Unpinchable tot. Unpinchable. It's like a rubber glove. You can take the skin and snap it. It's like tanned marble. Entirely. Yeah, entirely. Entirely. May I poke you in that way?

Someone we know sent me a commercial clipping of Miss Piggy's foot in high heels, as in like thought of you. Got it this morning. ["Better Help"] Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Better Help. I have found, now that I have graduated to a really comfortable place with talk therapy, that I'm enjoying a stage of therapy that is kind of like maintenance.

You know, we're stressing the importance of maintaining the mental health and the healthy coping mechanisms and the commitments to wellness and the positive thinking. I know myself and I know that even though I have gained so much, there's always more cement to pour on these good thoughts and behaviors. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say that they avoid seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment, which is very, I'm not judging anybody, but if you're dodging the mental help you need, I'm going to tell you as your friend, as your podcaster, I would never judge you for getting the help. Okay. But I would

encourage you to participate in mental health awareness month year round. It is mental health awareness month now, but let's encourage everybody to take care of their well-being all year. Be healthy, be happy. Right now we're going into pride month and me and the whole Trixie team are so stretched thin and it's stressful. And talk therapy for me sometimes is just a place for me to vent and decompress so I can show up, you know,

in a wig with the boxing gloves on and serve a knockout. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of over 30,000 licensed therapists in all different specialties including LGBTQIA, which I love because I'm sure that there are therapists out there who are better for that than others. We're all better with Better Help. Visit betterhelp.com slash bald and get 10% off your first month. That's better help h l p dot com slash bald. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. As you may or may not know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

A good reminder that if you've been thinking about therapy, there's no time like the present. But finding the right therapist, like the 1986 hit Run DMC Song, can be tricky. It's not just about convenience. It's about finding the right fit. Whether you're looking for someone who shares your background or lived experience, or who practices a certain type of care like couples therapy, it's all about flexibility and convenience. Which is where ZocDoc comes in. ZocDoc helps you easily find and book mental

health providers based on what matters most to you. In fact, nearly 76,000 mental health appointments are booked on ZocDoc each month. They help you find a therapist who's in your network, close to your home, and can even help you book the appointment. As someone who has benefited from therapy and knows my way around a waiting room, if you know what I mean, I can safely say that if you're going through something, therapy can be a massive help. And if you have another medical need, ZocDoc has over 100,000 doctors from literally any specialty. From your brain to your elbow to your perineum. And most importantly, ZocDoc helps you find doctors who are highly

rated by real-life verified patients. You can even see their real-time appointment openings, choose a time that works for you, and instantly book a visit with just a few clicks. Same-day appointments are also available in many cases, which is literally the pinnacle of convenience. The best part is that ZocDoc is completely free to use. You can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors with ease, which is why I love ZocDoc. ZocDoc helped me find the best doctor in my area and book them fast. If I can find a great doctor, so can you.

And all because of ZocDocs. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash bald to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash bald, zocdoc.com slash bald. Wait, wait, wait, wait, I have to talk about Sinners. Mama. What's it about?

It is, it's my new favorite film. I'm not gonna be obnoxious like, you know, a substance or whatever, but it is a five out of five stars new favorite film. I'm not gonna be obnoxious like, you know, a substance or whatever, but it is a five out of five stars for me film. What's the elevator pitch without spoiling? So two twin brothers in 1920s or 30s, like Mississippi or something like that,

come back from Chicago to start a juke joint with their little cousin who has the voice of an angel and plays the blues. And they get this whole thing going on and some vampires show up, baby. And it is fucking scary, hot, amazing, pulse pounding, sad, I cried a bunch of times, I jumped, I was like, it was cunt. And I wish I had known nothing. Because they came out of nowhere.

Well, remember, it's very dust till dawn. First time I saw that movie, the vampires, I was like, what? You're like, what? Hold on. Yeah. It's very that-t. But it's cunt-t. From dust till dawn is so good. Before the vampires show up, you're already very invested. This is the same situation.

You're like, wow, this family's con tea. From Dust to Dawn is so good. Before the vampires show up, you're already very invested. You're like, wow. This family's being held hostage by these two guys on the run. Plus Quentin Tarantino's in it, which is very exciting. You're like, he was young and acting. Was he in Robert Rodriguez though? What? I think it was Robert Rodriguez who directed that one, right?

Oh, I thought it was a Quentin Tarantino movie. No, it's not a Quentin Tarantino. He might've produced it. He plays George Clooney's brother, and it's exciting to see him in a movie. Quentin Tarantino movie. No, it's not a Quentin Tarantino movie. He might've produced it. He plays George Clooney's brother and it's exciting to see him in a movie. Quentin Tarantino? He was great in that movie. What's, I forget.

He's like the pervy brother. Oh, pervy, now that makes sense. He's always the perv. Yeah, and Salma Hayek as the hot vampire. Baby, that's the prototype. With the breasts. I'm sorry to say breasts. No, no, that's the photo you print out

on your desk jet printer and give to the surgeon. It's so. That's the photo you print out on your desk jet printer and give to the surgeon. It's so... That's the photo you give to the doctor, baby. She comes out with the hat on with the feathers, and there's a part where she picks up someone's beer bottle, takes a drink of it, and then pours it down her body, and she's writhing. When that lager's flowing through those fucking titties.

I don't remember that part. I think I remember reading that she improvised it. Like she made up that little dance and did it. Yeah, and then she took a shot of a Jägermeister, right up the twat. Selma, if we ever get to work together again. We saw her, I mean, we saw her breasts and purr. Sorry, that's so disrespectful.

But we didn't bring up Dust Till Dawn because we were celebrating Black Mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was obviously too embarrassed to say anything. But mama, I don't know what it is. Genetics and maybe being, you know, the power of having every treatment and resource at your fingertip, that hoe looks perfection.

She's a girl. She's killing it. How about that video of her swimming in that pool? Slow motion! Mama, I jerk to it. Right. I can't help it. No, but you gotta see sinners you will love. I can't wait it. No, but you got to see Sinners. You will love.

I can't wait. It's cunt. Have you ever had a Krispy Kreme? Are you? Was it Krispy? Am I a Krispy fan? Was it Krispy? It was, no, it was very soft and just sugary.

Right. Right. Fresh. It was hot and it's fresh. Do you really not know what that, that TikTok of Krispy Kreme? No, I'm thinking about, you got that Krispy Kreme. I got something for you. So, you know, Love on spectrum one of my favorite shows this audios been swimming in my head So it's have you ever seen that show middle ground? No, so they'll have like

Anti-vaxxers versus doctors and they'll post things like I believe vaccinations are good and then people will come to the middle and they'll sit in the dark under a flickering fucking light bulb and they'll debate. Why did, okay. So it'll be like pro lifers and pro choicers or what opposites, you know. How, wait, now what happens then? So Abby was on one of them

and there's this incredible- The love on the spectrum? Yes. So you gotta hear this audio. The doll girl. Yeah, she's talking about haters, listen. No, Abby is the one who sings. Who goes to Africa with her boyfriend, David?

Oh my God. Telling us to go. Telling us to go. I know, but there's some really mean people and it's because I'm helping her. The haters are ugly and the haters are extremely overweight. The thing about you haters is that you're super fat and very ugly.

Abby said, the thing is, they're ugly and extremely overweight. She said it like she's reading nutrition facts. Like it's just like, well. You wanna turn left on Cahuenga and then right is facts. I saw Abby on Kelly Clarkson this week singing, she was singing her song that she wrote for her boyfriend. You're my lion to my lioness.

You don't remember we watched that? No. The milk to my Chardonnay. She wrote this her song that she wrote for her boyfriend. You're my lion to my lioness. You don't remember we watched that? No. The milk to my Chardonnay. She wrote this beautiful milk. The milk to my Chardonnay. Cause she likes Chardonnay and her boyfriend likes to drink milk. It's a lot of personal things.

But that's milk and Chardonnay, it's like. There's a part where she goes, I'm on the drop slide, you're on the lazy river. You pick me up when we're down and then we split a pizza. That's kunty. Sorry, Grammy. Where's the Grammy? So I saw her on Kelly Clarkson and I just loved like one week we have RFK being like,

you know, people with autism will never be able to bathe themselves or feel love or walk outside of where the fuck he said. They can't see color or shapes or yeah. And then Abby's on Kelly Clarkson singing like. yeah, she's like, hello, fat and ugly. Love that. Love that. Abby, you've done it again. I'm the latest episode of Hacks. Julian Nicholson was a guest star and she played the TikTok dance mom. And it was so wild. It was so crazy.

It was like, I think this is a thing. I'm not super active on TikTok at all, but, you know, like people do. like, I think this is a thing, I'm not super active on TikTok at all, but you know, like people do. No, they definitely do. They definitely do. And they get famous for it. And it's-

Well, the bio is mama bear. Yes, and it's semi-ironic, I think. There's gotta be a level of ironic appreciation of it. And then it's like very endearing. So they just get, I don't understand it, but she did such a good job. It was very funny. I wish RFK would go sing on Kelly Clarkson.

I wish RFK would go in the I had a kind of deal with, I don't know if she got buns. The Brown Origin. The Brown Origin that goes to hell. No, it goes straight to the origin. We're sending eight celebrities to the magma of the earth. Straight to the core of the problem. Mama, when I tell you about all these asteroid videos

I've been going into. What, asteroids? Oh yes, honey. What do you mean videos? Well, like moving pictures. No, videos on YouTube, perhaps? Not perhaps. The talkies?

Yes, the talkies. Oh girl, I tried to watch Babylon, which is about the transition from the silence to the talkies. I threw up. What? It, it, it, the movie is so too much. It's like doing too much.

This movie, Babylon, and I, I threw up from it. What? It made me, no, I'm not, I'm not joking. It made me like motion sickness and sick to my stomach. It was so over the top, excessive and fast paced. Like it almost, it made me dizzy and then grossed me out and I threw up. Did you glean anything like from it

that you like to share? No, not really. It was just a movie that was like, it's all about the excess of Hollywood in a particular time like the golden age and when things are transitioning to the talkies. And people are having parties with elephants and cocaine and hookers and people are dying and getting pooped on

and everything you can imagine happening at a lavish, like, you know, Marquis de Sade type of party. I puked. And then I just went right to bed. And I'm never gonna watch that movie. She did me dirty. Damn, I guess... Sounds like interesting material.

I think, oh, it's certainly not boring. Brad, Brad GPG is in it. Margot Robbie's in it. Wait a minute, I've seen this movie. You have? Where she bites the snake in the desert. Yes, I didn't even get to that part. Oh, you made it sound like it was a documentary.

Oh, sorry, no, I... I thought this was a documentary the whole time. Oh, I'm so sorry. I almost said, oh, it's like that movie with Margot Robbie where she bites the snake. I skipped from asteroid documentaries to this. That's where she's at, like, the gala, and she's like that movie with Margot Robbie where she fights the snake. I skipped from asteroid documentaries to this. That's where she's at like the gala and she's like, oh yeah, low rent me.

Doesn't know how, she has that breakdown where she's throwing the food all over her face. I didn't even get to that part. Girl. I made it like 25 minutes in and started yacking. Gay stuff happens, no? I'm sure. There's got everything.

It's probably bestiality in it. It's wild. Damien Chazelle's Babylon. Uh, yes. Three hours long. Okay, I literally thought you were talking about a documentary. No, but I puked. I felt like, if not...

It was kind of out of nowhere. I didn't have anything weird that day. And then, because they're doing all this construction in my house, I woke up with a terribly sore throat, like, incredibly sore throat. Got an air filter. Guess what happens? Sore throat went away. What? Like fucking magic, bitch.

Like, well not magic, like science. Do you think the quality of the air in your house was hurting your throat? No, I didn't. I was like, I thought it was just this. So why'd you get an air filter? I was like, oh, you know, maybe, cause I haven't been smoking.

I'm like, well. God's perfect breathing system. Yeah, I was like, oh, you know, maybe, because I haven't been smoking. I'm like, well... God's perfect breathing system. Yeah, I was like, maybe it does have something to do with people buzz-sawing ceramic tile and wood indoors all day long, you know, but whatever. So I got this fabulous HEPA fucking bitch from Home Depot, baby. I go, she goes, what's the air?

And she goes, and she gets it right together. Sometimes it goes red and she gets it down to green. A lot of bird owners have them because cockatiels and old world birds that they call them shed powder from their feathers. And if you don't have a filter, everything in your home gets coated like soot, like Mount Vesuvius.

So HEPA filters keep like your whole, you would just go like this and you're like, there's white parrot powder just on everything. Pore went out for the HEPA. Pore went out for the HEPA. Yeah, like when they did the mold remediation, mama, they had giant like fucking HEPA, they looked like those super computers

in those like Marvel movies, just huge and nasty. But I really think, I really believe it did something. ["The Audible delivers thrills of every kind on your command. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spine-tinnling horror and romance in far-off realms, unleash your adventurous side with gripping titles that keep you guessing, exclusive captivating Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases, must-listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute. Whether it's heart-pounding suspense like the Audible original Mad Love, a fantasy romance adventure like Onyx Storm, or a listen with the lights on epic like Stephen King's latest Never Flinch.

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Tell me. Can I spoil? Do it. OK. Don't remember the name. No, no, no. It was called. Cunt factory?

It was called. It was called Bet Noir, like Black Beast. Oh, I've heard about this one. Okay. Yeah. She works, a girl starts at her office and she's like, I know that girl in high school, she was really weird. Wait, wait, wait, wait. She works here now. What does that turn of phrase mean? It means something like it's a pet peeve or something. What does it mean? I don't know. I'd never heard it before. B-E-T-E-N-O-Y-R. It's the phrase.

It's like hated or a source of great annoyance. Yeah. Yeah, black beast. Okay. And she works at a chocolate factory. I thought it was maybe about like the chocolate. I thought that's what the name was about. So she makes chocolate,

she makes different types of flavors and this girl starts working there. And she's like, oh, I used to work with her. It was very single white female, but it escalates to like, oh, this girl's my assistant. She's, I know that I told her this and she actually purposely typed it wrong to get me in trouble or like, whatever.

And it escalates and she's like, I don't know how this girl is gaslighting me. And then the girl has a pendant that when she talks to it, it changes reality. So she's like, oh, I didn't steal that girl's milk, you did, and the people in the office are like, I can't believe you stole the milk for her coffee. And then she's like, roll the tapes,

and even the security tapes are different, showing her do this shit. And it's a girl she bullied in high school who created technology that allows you to like, draw from other realities where something is happening. And she just says, all right, now your whole family's dead and your head's on fire. A simulation pendant.

Conti. So it was very's on fire. A simulation pendant. Conti. It was a card here. So it was very single white female. That's wild. But like. What did it look like? Like a teardrop.

Fierce. And she looked like a Rosamund Pike. She was like blonde with like a Conti short. And the whole time you think, oh, this girl's cracking up. She's imagining this. And then I love when actors turn evil. You gotta watch it.

I ruined it for you now. No, I don't care. I will watch it, bitch. I'll show it. I ruined it for you now. No, I don't care. I will watch it, bitch. I-I-Show me. I'm so stupid, I will forget. There's also a USS Callister. Do you remember the episode in the first season with, like, the 60s spaceship, and it's all in his mind or whatever?

I don't know where it was. Oh, there's a sequel to that that was really horny. Is there gay stuff? Uh, in Black Mirror? Yeah. Um, I don't know how they make those. It's like a season of television that's all basically movies. These are gay stuff? In Black Mirror? Yeah. I don't know how they make those. It's like a season of television that's all basically movies. They're like one-off movies.

I recently rewatched the one with the haunted house, the video game volunteer. We saw it, I think. Bandersnatch? Maybe. The guy with the beard who goes around the world and then he goes to be a test for this new software, video game software. Oh, I don't remember that one. He goes in the haunted house and it's very good. You would love. I don't remember that one.

You would love that one. Black Mirror's a good like, stay on the couch all day and do monster. It can be hit or miss. It can be hit or miss. Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't love the one with, what's her name? Bryce Dallas Howard, because I felt like... I love that one. Oh, you would hate him, yeah. Crying at the end at the wedding, covered in dirt.

Oh, that's right. That was kind of cunty. It's one of the best ones, I think. Oh, she was like, running in the beginning. It just seemed too close to reality. That Rashida Jones one's is depression. Oh my God. It's so sad.

I was like, but it was so, she did really well on that. She did really well on that. Cause I felt like I was doing it. It was so sad. So sad. Looking to maintain an erection during sex, that's so fierce. Go for it. Yeah.

Why not? Yeah. I, if you, I mean, if I could have, if I had to do ads with my friends like three times a week and I wouldn't feel anything at the hygienist. I haven't taken a dick pill in a long time. When I was really depressed, I had a prescription, but when I got less depressed,

I haven't taken one like over a year. What's the success meter tally at this pod right now? I think we're up to five or six. My teeth haven't fallen out, and I can get my own boners ethically sourced, cage free. I think that we've hit an all time high of success for Miss Mattel on this pod today. Pour one out for Mattel.

Well, when I was really mentally struggling, I was so depressed, I had a hard time, and I just, overnight was all better. It's like they say, why don't you try smiling? Honestly. Wait, what about... Maybe your dick's trying to tell you your life is shitty.

Thank you. You know. What about Mattel being referred to as a country by our commander in chief? Did you see today him say- I'm so excited because- I was like, baby. I was like, my friend is the president of the country.

Well, he's like, Mattel, you're gonna say he's their biggest market. They're like, I don't know. It's like, okay. Terrible. But now I have a clip of Donald Trump saying Mattel. So all I need is him saying tricks and he. You say he's their biggest market. It's like, okay. Tariffs. But now I have a clip of Donald Trump saying Mattel. So all I need is him saying tricks and he.

And then I got the whole thing. Baby, the sweet pussy Pauline chat GBT mega mix is going to be so lit at Solid Pink Disco. Y'all ain't ready for it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Which by the way is tonight, right? Tonight, the Hollywood Palladium. I shall be in attendance. I can't believe it.

To your detriment. Girl, this is... To your great embarrassment. Last, I'm really excited for tonight. It's a really good show. The DJing is great. I love the music. I love the visuals. I love the numbers. And the audience, I mean, the audience is...

I went to Cowboy Carter last night. We'll talk about it, but the audience is dressed up more for my show. Baby, listen, let me tell you something. When I waltz on that dance floor looking better than you in all your dancers in the most incredible pink outfit, looking snatched, looking 20 years old, looking wet and hot and sexy and doing dance moves

with people I've never seen before. Sorry, go home jobless. Can I tell you last weekend though? I can't wait to see your numbers. Last weekend was three shows in a row. And let me tell you the routing. Denver, Montreal, Pittsburgh. Perfect route. Makes sense.

Did you drive? Oh, barely slept. So this weekend, it's LA, Oakland, Salt Lake City. Much better. Much more, yeah, much more humane. But last weekend, this is not, before I say this, let me say this, this is not shit talking venues. This is not shit talking anybody. Owners, promoters, agents, managers, venues,

bravo, bravo, bravo. Last weekend, Pittsburgh was so hot. Oh, mama. So hot. We're up in 2025 dealing with this shit. I can't. I was cold at Beyonce. There were tens of thousands of people in there. I was, Pittsburgh, I was, I mean, buckets of water.

Corset soaked completely through. And I know that I bring it on myself because I'm in a corset jump ropeing in the show. No, you do not. No, you do not. No No the fuck you do not. No you don't. You guys, I don't want to come to solid pink disco everybody have tickets.

It's hot and I have been on death's door. We're talking going off stage and during my makeup change, this is what you hear while I'm fixing, I'm painting foundation back on. Fucking bullshit, fucking show, fucking, all this fucking putt. Like, panicking. When you're bullshit fucking show, fucking, fucking, all this fucking putt.

Like, Wet, wet mud. Panicking. When you're so hot that you're actually panicking. Absolutely, and there's, you're trying to put, you're trying to mix olive oil and vinegar, or no, whatever, olive oil and water. You're trying to make two things come together

that won't because of the sweat. It's it. And when I'm putting makeup on and I hear the go-gos outside the door going, oh my God, it's hot. I can't breathe. And they're in Speedos. Speedos.

They're in G-strings. And they're going, almost blacked out. It was so hot. Yeah. I gotta have some water. I'm standing on the other side of the door looking like Elliot with two T's behind. I'm like.

When a naked man comes out covered in sweat, I'm like, well, call the coroner. If you're cold, they're cold. Bring them aside. Yeah, we're gonna need the morgue up in sweat. I'm like, well, call the coroner. If you're cold, they're cold. Bring them aside. Yeah, we're gonna need the morgue up in here. So I go- Is it gonna be hot at this venue, mama, tonight?

What's the tea? What's the tea? What's literally the tea? The temperature. Mary, Mary. Should I come in my two piece? I have been so hot at these shows that I have been questioning my entire participation

in the art of drag. I just have been like, what the fuck are we doing? I think that you should reroute that questioning and point it towards your representation. I was just like, I was not this hot at Hamburger Mary's Milwaukee, where they're flying, they're frying burgers over an open flame grill,

feet from where I'm doing a Dolly Parton number. It's charbroil drag and it's cooler than this. And I'm like, so if it was hot at 21 in the nightclubs, and it's hot at 35 as one of the most famous dragons in the world, there is no end. There is no end. The heat will just kill me. I am in Polly Pocket in an easy-bake oven just trying to make ends meet.

Mary, do you realize the tragic irony of you dying from heat stroke and me surviving? That's not a reality. Just that her teeth got good. That's not a reality I'm willing to participate in. I think we should get the hygienist on the case. They obviously know how to torture people. Sick them on the promoters.

It's been, if you were backstage, if you see me doing my quick change, it's like a gritty national geographic photo. Do you know what? I'm just, I look like one of those hippos coming out of water, dripping wet, where you just see the eyes. Do you know what I'm, you know what I'm gonna suggest

and I'm not even joking, to try a fucking ice bath. During the show? During a break. I'm in a corset, I'm in a padding. Waterproof. We call Circus corset, I'm in a padding. Waterproof. We call Circus Slay O, the water show. We say, hey, what can we do, get some waterproof gear,

waterproof makeup? You just have to redo your lashes. I mean... Think about it. Yeah, it's been so hot. And maybe I just accidentally put together a show that... No....is too much. Uh, what do you think fucking Katy Perry does?

What's the space? I don't know what she does. It's cold in space. Do you think, I mean... I'm wide awake. Um, I just think it's a failure of those in the orbit of your star. The dicks who did this to me and the cunts responsible. Yeah.

I'm telling you, I'm backstage. Which one of you bitches is my manager? Those in the orbit of your star. The dicks who did this to me and the cunts responsible. Yeah. I'm telling you, I'm backstage. Which one of you bitches is my manager? And the maker for the show is so cool. It's these stones all the way out and it's all glitter. It's so cool. Gotta get the mask, I'm telling you. But it's been so, I've been using that cryo mask

that was sent to us from Shark. And I've been using that because it's the red lights to help repair your skin. And it's the cold under the eyes at the end of the night. I'm like, baby, baby, I got a million dollar idea for you. Not million, just very useful. It's you do the contest. I mean, have like a prosthetic person do it.

The contest of like mask, right? Full gorgeous rhinestones, like seamless into the eyes with the eyelashes. And you don't have to do any makeup from the nose up, okay? And then, so, you sweat the house down, whatever, you take it off. You ice the face during the break. You redo the lip. You're wearing an O, Cirque du Soleil O sanctioned outfit in the cold plunge. Game changer. Yeah, I mean, it's been horrible. I'm not joking about the mask thing.

I think there's a way to do it that's kinda like Orville, but way shaker and draggy. That would be rude. Don't you think people paying to see me and it's like not even putting the eye makeup on for the people? Mary, it's you doing all the work, creating the ambiance and the whole music,

and you have beautiful lips and teeth. Yeah. I'm not joking. I think it could kinda of be cunt. Oh my God. Also last weekend was so fun though. It was hot, but you know what I've been doing? Having a half shot of tequila before the show and practicing radical acceptance.

And being like, well, there's nothing I can do. Imagine though, like if these, like I can't imagine these shows where halfway through you're like, well, I'm going kill myself, because the makeup's gone. That's when you put the mask on. Well, I'm also DJing live, so I can't do anything that will alter my state, really, while I'm up there, or I will fuck it up. You never take a break, right?

You can't. There is no break. This is my nightmare. There's no break. This is like the nightmare in Elm Street for me. My section starts with these boots made for walk-in. I start with a number. And then I'm on the back foot the whole program.

That's the, ugh. When I'm jump roping, I'm smiling, but if you could hear me, you would hear Lamaze, like, hee hee, hoo, hee hee, hoo. And then some nights I'm dancing and I hit a wall where I actually go from like, yes, yes, yes, to both hands on the DJ decks like this. And if people record it and play it backwards,

it's actually double voicing, someone please kill me, someone please kill me. And I consider myself pretty cardiovascular fit. Yeah. I ran four or five miles today. You didn't even sweat that much. No, so like if I'm hot, you know what I say backstage, I said, do you know Katya would have quit already?

Sweetie, I would have. Do you know she would have quit already? Do you know how like killer whales have a very, like I would have sensed the heat from yards and yards and yards. Actual location. I would not even have entered the building. It's like a vampire.

I'd have to be invited in and it's just too hot. Right. So one time I did, this was, me and Juno Burch did something for YouTube Pride like two years ago. Oh yeah. And it was, the air was broken. Her face is blue.

The air was broken and I love YouTube, love YouTube, but I went, you guys? I said, she's painted special effects light blue. If she sweats at all, it's not really fixable until she starts putting eyeshadow on her face as if it's powder. And I said, did you guys know if it was me and Katya, she would have left already?

I don't think she would have showed up. She would have gone, no ma'am. I know the heat is something that I guess, I either need to quit drag or give up dreams of comfort. Or there's option C, demand reasonable, what do you call it? Demand reasonable parameters for your performance. Shove ice cubes up my ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cryotherapy. And it'll help with my fissure. Yes, I mean, there's no reason on God's green earth that in the year of 2025, where we're putting stints in people's hearts, we're sending Katy Perry to the fucking moon and back, but you can't get some adequate AC at your solid pink disco.

We're at the point that ketamine has become an acceptable therapy. We need a blue destination. I guess. People do mushrooms at work and call it self-care. It's called microdosing. Oh yeah. People are, look to your left, look to your right.

People are microdosing acid at the office. I don't know, I guess I just need to accept it. No, you don't. But what do we do? We change. What do we do? We go, hey, you, you get out of here and put that AC on. Sometimes I feel like they're like,

well, it's already sold out and Trixie's not gonna go home, she's just gonna do it. Well, you pull a RuPaul. I think sometimes it's that. So RuPaul famously, of course, she said, if I'm booked for an event, I get 50% before I step on the airplane and the other 50% before I step on the stage.

You just do that with terms of temperature. I know. That's, I mean, I have that in my writer. But then people are gonna say that I'm difficult. No, no, no, no, no. They will. They're gonna say that you're amazing because you sold out their fucking shitty venue

that they can't cool down. I don't know what's with the air. I don't know. I don't I don't know why we don't have air. I love dancing. I love dance parties. Why can't people dance not be so hot? Well, well, because if I'm hot, the audience is obviously also fucking dying. I mean, I have, we've, we've traveled around the world and been like Ireland, for example, in, I have, we've traveled around the world and been like, Ireland for example, in, not Belfast, in Dublin. I think it was called the Dragon or something. The Dragon, bummer. The hottest I've ever been maybe in my life.

It was as I'm walking to the stage, seconds into not even starting my number, I had that thought, I was like, this is not going to be feasible. The meat and gravy pictures of me from that, I look like a perspiring ham in a grocery store. But I really had that thought that you were talking about earlier, like, oh, this is not physically possible

with the laws of physics. It goes to panic. It goes to panic. Like, how is this even going to be? Yeah. But the Lincoln Theater, mama, that motherfucking theater, holy shit, their aircon was Yankin. Girl, the Lincoln with the big fake head. In Philly, yeah.

But DC. Oh, DC, sorry, yeah. So there are theaters and there are fucking venues that know how to yank off a crispy, coolly, lovely event. Yeah. And the others just flop so hard, and I guess nobody cares.

I guess nobody cares because we were there and we did it anyway. So who cares? I mean, if you're wilding out like Nick Cannon on the dance floor, you're gonna get a little misty. But you shouldn't die from heat stroke or dehydration. Well, so I would never dream of what? Punishing people who came to see me by not performing.

If they're in there dressed up, it's like, what am I, a princess? I'm not gonna go do it too. You know? You're also DJing, literally controlling the mood of the night. That's performing. The other thing is, I know we have to go. The other thing is...

I'm not going anywhere. When I'm that hot, I just feel like my brain works slower. No shit. And so I'm trying to operate this equipment and I'm actually blinking through sweat like, trying to turn these knobs. You would think that I'm a hospital bed just touching my own EKG or something. Well, have you ever tried to change a watch battery underwater? That's what it's like. It's not. Maybe I need to do the Salpinc Disco Winter Ball. Solid ice disco. Snowball.

Solid ice disco. Or how about we just get. Sounds like meth. That's true, oh yeah, that's true. Crystal Tina. Yeah, crystal method at the solid ice disco. No, or I think we could try some wild option, which is, hey manager, hello manager, hello promoter, hello bar orner.

These are the conditions which I require for the ultimate satisfaction. Otherwise, I don't. I guess, but I'm gonna do it very like. I'm gonna do it. Fairy tale, like if you want me to do this show, I'm gonna need, you know, the cape is red as blood, the whatever, you know.

I'm calling and this is my voice and these are the terms. I'm gonna do the Queen of you know. I'm calling, and this is my voice, and these are the terms. I'm gonna do the Queen of Melrose, and I'm gonna call on your behalf. For sure. Yeah, and you are gonna pay for my hygienist appointment at your dentist. And Salt Lake City was so fun, but the air is thinner.

So it's not only balls hot in there. Not only is it boiling. Before I go on, Rebecca Black goes, it was Friday and Rebecca Black was there, and so it felt exciting, right? And Rebecca goes, yeah, usually they'll have an oxygen. You get an oxygen tank. I said, are we on ER?

I'm just trying to cross stress and plate records. What do you mean, at that point, get the hospital bed out here. Get it all out here. Are we in the pit? What's going on? Get nurse Jackie out here to shoot a few dolls down my throat, okay?

Last final thought, mama, you never can have it all the way right. Cause I remember Aspen Gay Ski Week, first time I ever did a whole drag thing and I went back and did drag and I was like, something is different about this. What is it? Not one beat of moisture.

However, then I performed at the top of the mountain, baby, trying to do some kind of lip sync wiggle, like upside down, heart willing, no air. It was a very... How am I supposed to breathe with no air? Jordan Sparks. She wrote that at Aspen Gay Ski Week. Can I also say one more thing too? The other day I took off my wig and the dancer said there is steam coming off your head. That's how hot you are. What do you think happens when I walk into the freezer at Oil Can Harry's?

It's a metaphysical event. Yeah, it looks like you look like dry ice. It looks like one of those videos where they drop the boiling ball into a glass of soda or something. Dry ice. Yes. It's cunty.

It's fucked. I gotta go. OK. OK, bye. I gotta go. Okay. Okay. Bye. Goodbye everybody. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and

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