The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Perfect Don't Need No Polish with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

As 2021 comes to a not-so-glorious close, let us reflect upon the things that matter most to us in a world filled with death, destruction, and chaos: reupholstered couches, scathing movie reviews, and the solemn act of cancelling otherwise-amazing New Years Eve plans in favor of binging TV whilst wearing a popcorn-dispensing hat. From all of us here at the Bald & Beautiful headquarters, Happy New Years you filthy troglodytes. Believe it or not, we'll see you in 2022. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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by refusing to even travel a half mile to each other's houses. Excuse me. Excuse me. That is not true. It's about a mile. It's true. And in this L.A. rain, honey.

In this rain. It's like two miles. And in this L.A. rain, honey. In this rain. It's like two miles. And in this L.A. rain. In the rain. Oh, God. The L.A. rain. People here truly do forget how to drive, though, when it rains. Because they don't know.

They never learned. It was raining, and I had to pick up my daughter, Sapphire, and Maddox from the Montessori school, and I drove off a cliff. I just had to leave them there. I think they're starving to death, but it's better than being wet. I would like to mention anything about my hair. Oh, I love your hair. Well, to be fair, you did call me on Christmas to show me you wearing it.

I did. I was with David's family and they said, I said, oh, it's Katya.'s family and they said i said oh it's katya she called and they said oh she's calling to tell you merry christmas i said no this wasn't about that this is a call about a wig a human unit that i needed to see on her head if you could do it all over again, would you have been a woman? No. Too much work. Yeah. I'd rather be an orc from Lord of the Rings.

So you think that women have to put on hair and makeup? No, no, no. So you think they're all women in a certain way? Wow. Good thing the pot is over because wow. No, I think I just wouldn't have the time. I wouldn't have the time to deflect all the weenies and peenies coming at me. Pow, pow, pow. I want to live my life not being a video game. Trying to say I'd be so hot.

Right, you being a woman would have been too powerful. Yeah. That pussy would have had a cyclone of gravity that was like, it just sucked the earth. Yeah. They would call me M87 because this pussy would be the biggest black hole. It would suck all the energy light force out of the galaxy. Yeah. Yeah.

I know. Listen, it's the last episode of the pod, but we have done this to people before. It's not the last episode. It's not the last episode. Yes, it is. No, bitch, we signed on for two more damn months. You made me feel like it was the last episode. It's not the last episode. Yes, it is. No, bitch, we signed on for two more damn months. You made me feel like it was the last one. I really thought it was the last one.

I tried to tell you. Bitch, I really thought. Okay, so. I will talk about it off the air. So it's Christmas. It's the day after Christmas. It's Christmas, but it's still Christmas. It's Christmas from Christmas till New Year's.

Don't you think? It's Christmas. To me, the spirit of Christmas dies once the presents are opened. I know that that's dark. Yeah, I think the part of me that was a kid, because you know what? When you're a kid, Christmas is kind of like anticlimactic. Once you've opened presents, you're kind of like, oh. I guess now it's a whole day of nothing.

Oh, Mama, you didn't do it. We merged Christmas and Easter. We hid all the gifts. So, you know, like you do with Easter eggs. Who cares if you find an egg? There's no fun in that. So we brought a little bit of Easter to the Christmas table. The parents, they would hide gifts, not even in the house all over the neighborhood so christmas could

last three weeks oh my god you know i think i've told this story before but when does that stop me um one year my mom the easter bunny hid our easter baskets in the woods and we had to do scavenger hunts to go find them and my my mom, the Easter bunny, wrote poems being like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go here and take a left. Yes, and it was me in a winter coat being like, where is it? I'm like, you know. No, mama.

I'm not great with puzzles. Do you ever do an escape room, the ultimate white activity on Earth? No. No. No. I did it one time. Tried to. I didn't even get through the first. It was like, you know what?

This is crazy. This is crazy. This is ridiculous. We have unhoused people in Los Angeles and you have me paying to get out of a room? Thank you. I narrowly exited an abusive home. That was my escape room. Seriously.

And the stakes were extremely high. Yeah. Getting unburdened from the clutches of room. Seriously. And the stakes were extremely high. Yeah. Getting unburdened from the clutches of poverty. Yeah. I have an alcoholic stepfather. That's the OG escape room. Hello. Hello.

Is that too real? Am I getting too real for you guys? I don't know. Nothing could be too real. Not even this human hair unit. Where's the lady? Human hair unit. Can't find it. Can't find it.

Can't find it. I'm not even looking because I know that I will not find it. Listen, human hair units are the craze. I got to tell you this. There are people out there wearing human hair units that are not even the right volume or density for their head and their body. And I'm happy for them. I'm really happy for them. I got to tell you about this.

This is the joy of the human hair unit. As a person who does not know how to style a hair, human or otherwise, I have no idea. It's all about the wash, the blow dry, the half blow dry. You get her damp, and that's when the magic happens. You put on that damp little wig, and you just feel that damp, those wet little tendrils down your back, your shoulder, your décolletage. Isn't your back and neck already wet when you put it on, though? Yeah. But this is a nice wet. and you look in the mirror. Isn't your back and neck already wet when you put it on though?

But this is a nice wet. That's that good wet. Yeah. That cool wet. I have a question. Didn't we just record an episode about Drag Race and why isn't this playing next week? Because that is scheduled for right before the thing. It's January 5th.

Oh, spoiler alert. We might have an episode talking about RuPaul's Drag Race coming up, which we never talk about. Oh, that's right, divas. Snatch those wigs because it's getting

hunty up in here. Fierce work. Hunty. Honey, you want to get down diva realness tea? Yeah. So what did you do for Crimba? Oh, we had a great Christmas.

So me and I'm just a very select group of people who may or may not all work for me. It was like it was like an office Christmas party because I don't have any real friends. It was an axe machine. No, no, no drinking. No, it was me and Eden and our friend Ethan. We watched Benedetta, the lesbian nun movie by Paul Verhoeven. Mary Benedetta. Did you live?

Benedetta. Are you enlightened to the sapphic nun agenda? Girl, pussy skeeting for Jesus. Pussy skeeting. Good for them for them no it's so fierce it's so fierce it's so people have done a lot worse shit for jesus so that's that's great i want to i want to i'm going to say i just want to tell you one scene that happens early it's not a huge spoiler the young girl who she uh later on becomes a nun joins the convent. She's praying in front of a statue of Virgin Mary and the Virgin Mary for this particular statue has a breast exposed.

Not sure why. I don't know. So she's praying, praying, praying and then something happens. There's a crack and the statue falls on her but it pins her down. She sees that titty.

No, she doesn't. Yes, she does. I thought you were going to say that thing was going to fall over at the last second. She, and it straightens. Basically. Yes. Basically, yeah. It's so fierce.

Paul Verhoeven is not. He's wild. He's 82. Yeah. Showgirls, total recall. None of the girls are doing it like Paul none of the girls is getting easier and easier to come by i watched that film called it's a hulu original called we should do something oh i haven't heard that i think it's called we should do something oh god i think it's the equivalent

of this is us and i'm calling it like i am me like it i i don't think i'm calling it like I am me. Like I don't think I'm calling it the right thing, but it is that. Let's go out. We should do something. Yeah. There was some occult lesbianism, occult lesbianism. Wait, wait, wait. Who's in it?

Who's in it? Who would play her? Oh God. If we're being honest, I just don't know anyone from anything. Could you look it up perhaps? You got a computer at all? Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'll do the research. I'll do that research and development of the pod. So I watched that the other day. Because David was, you know, I was home alone with nothing to do for days. Because COVID's going on. David's been in Palm Springs. Christmas hasn't started.

So, Mary, all my plans out the window. Am I seeing the Go-Go's on the 29th? No. Am I going to see the Golden Girls with Lucy Davis tonight? No. Am I DJing New Year's Eve at Milwaukee? No. Am I going to see the Golden Girls with Lucy Davis tonight? No. Am I DJing New Year's Eve at Milwaukee? No. No, but are you going to the Critics

Choice Awards? Yes. No. No. It got postponed. The Critics Choice Awards is postponed. And I'm deeply concerned because the person to beat, I think, is Bo Burnham, whose special is about COVID. The last thing I need is for him to get

another surge of publicity. No. He doesn't need all that. After what he did to that little girl in Promising Young Woman. What did I call it? We should... It's called We Need to Do Something. A psychological horror film. Seeking shelter from a storm, a family finds itself trapped for days

with no sign of rescue, and untold evils lurk beyond the walls um this uh sierra mccormick plays a young lesbian young lesbian she's also played a young lesbian in american horror story i think she's specializing in teenage lesbian storylines and good for her vanessa shaw plays the mom who was in hocus pocus she was the hot girl allison and hocus pocus i'm gonna be honest i don't know anybody in these films um and i did watch that and that was uh disappointing and confusing so that's tough i kept waiting for something to happen and i was like yeah you should do something writers filmmakers you should do something yeah come on

i really wanted it to be good. Cause I could tell it was going to be like abstract, kind of uncomfortable, um, horror. And I was like, yes. And then I was like,

oh, we need to do something like make a good movie. It's really hard to make good horror movies. Why do you think that is? Uh, I disagree. I disagree. I think it's, um, here's good horror movies. Why do you think that is? I disagree. I disagree. I think it's, here's what horror movies, the genre has going for it. Economy. You notice how generally

speaking, horror movies are clocking in around 90 minutes. Yeah. That's great. That's great. That's great. Yeah. But people can do very little with that 90 minutes. That's what I'm saying is why do you think it's so easy for films? Why do you think it's so easy for horror films to go so meh? Well, because nobody has A, it's a lack of imagination. And people are, these days, people are reverting to cheap thrills. I don't care for those jump scares. I have high blood pressure.

High blood pressure. I have high blood pressure. And I hate that. They're cheap throws. Your life is a jump scare. You walk by a mirror and it's a jump scare. And I go, ah! No, me and Michelle Visage were watching a movie together in the theater once,

one of those Conjuring movies, and we almost had heart attacks. We were digging into each other's arms. Those movies are terrifying. The Conjuring and the Conjuring 2. But not scary, though. Not scary. They're absolutely scary. They'rejuring 2. But not scary, though. Not scary. They're absolutely scary. They're jolting.

They're jolting. But they're not scary. You don't leave feeling like, do you know what I mean? You don't go to bed feeling like, I'm talking haunting. Yeah. I need scary. I need gripping. I need thrilling.

I need haunting. I need spooky. I need gripping. I need thrilling. I need haunting. I need spooky. Yeah, I mean, I'm reading right now. Yeah, sure.

During the day, nary a jump scare. I'm reading Stephen King's Misery right now. Misery. Oh, yeah. Love it. Great. Terrifying. Terrifying. oh yeah love it great terrifying um terrifying i don't know if you could imagine but somehow i relate to uh somebody feeling like somebody who's a fan of them might try to kill them

maybe somebody might be close to home a cockadoody you poop yeah the swearing paul it's the swearing. Yeah, it's good. It's scary. It's scary. And it's not jump scary. It's deep psychological dread. Oh, it's scary. It's scary. It's horrible. It's also not supernatural.

You know, the bad guy in Misery is an unhinged insane woman, which is not far-fetched fantasy. It's all of us. Yeah. Well, sometimes it's in unhinged insane woman, which is not, it's not far-fetched fantasy. It's all of us. Yeah. Well, sometimes it's in our own backyard. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry?

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Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Um, wait, wait, wait, wait. I saw a movie that I was so deeply disappointed by recently and it was... by recently and it was Oh! Nightmare Alley, speaking of horror movies. Nightmare Alley. You know what the nightmare was in Nightmare Alley? That whole movie. Oh really? I don't even know. What's it about?

So Guillermo del Toro all star cast. We got Bradley Cooper. We got fucking Tony Collette. We got Cate Blanchett. We got fucking Rooney Mara. We got fucking Willem Dafoe. It's an all-star cast. Gorgeous. It takes place like, it's all Carnies.

It's like the trailer was very gorgeous, mysterious. Ooh, crazy. Carnie Wilson? Carnie Wilson from Wilson Phillips. It was her weight loss journey, and it was just all shot through the pin-eye lens of a gastro bypass camera. It's two and two and a half hours.

Is it a scary movie? No, bitch. It was rotten. It was two and a half hours. The basically it's just a big, long advertisement for don't drink. You lost me.

Oh, I'm sorry. We're breaking up. Yeah. I was like, I'm sorry. We're breaking up. Yeah. I was like, I was mad. I was mad. As a vodka saleswoman, I would have stormed out. I would have, I would have, I would have, you, me at the movie theater, I got my bucket

of popcorn. I got my little flask. I'm pouring it on top. It's a buttery topping. You got the hat with the two giant tall boys in it, in the straw. No, I got the hard hat with the beer helmet, but it's giant popcorn things. That's how much I love popcorn. They're Poland spring bottles filled with liquor.

Because I had the week off, I too have been partying. You know, I don't watch a lot of TV or films, period. And I've been watching a lot of items. I went to see the Resident Evil movie, the new one. Is it good? No, but of course it's a video game movie. I knew it wasn't going to of items. I went to see the Resident Evil movie, the new one. Is it good? No, but of course it's a video game movie. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I don't care.

Okay, let me stop you right there. Let me stop you right there because I need to know. I need to know. Eden's like this too. Some of my, a bunch of other, but many people are. You know a movie's going to be bad. Why the fuck you fucking with it? Because I love the

video games so i knew that i knew that even though it wasn't going to be good i like the game so i need to know i gotta know i went with other people who've played the games we all you know we all have a like did you bring your controllers no no we didn't um it was uh me mateo and brian who owns precinct and we all went we sat right in the front and we watched it and we did a lot of looking at each other and going what is happening what what because if i'm confused as a person who's played the games i know that somebody who knows nothing about the movie is like what is happening however i have something to rescue you something to um you need a hero i need a hero hanging out for the,

yes. It's a little television program called Yellow Jackets. Oh, I started it. I started it. See, it's not on Netflix. It's on Prime.

It's on Prime. Amazon Prime. Isn't it? It's not on Netflix. It's not on Netflix. I think it's on Prime or Hulu. I only know about it because David put it on.

Yeah. I don't like stunts. So when I smell something that could be like Emmy baiting, I don't like a stunt. Oh, totally. 11 Perfect Friends. What was that show called? Nine Perfect Strangers. Mary.

I'm like, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. Anytime. Or Nightmare Alley. Cate Blanchett with like a finger wave. I'm like, we're not doing that. I don not doing that. Anytime. Or Nightmare Alley, Cate Blanchett with like a finger wave. I'm like, we're not doing that. I don't like to be pandered to.

I don't like the Academy's favorite 12 people carted out in front of me. I just, I'm not buying it. You know what I mean? I root for the underdog in a way. And so I don't like something that seems like it's going to be good. If it seems like it's going to be good, I don't want any part of it. I'll be at the theater. I'll be at the theater seeing Resident Evil.

Yeah. Steven Spielberg, eat my ass. I know. I was like complaining about watching it. And David goes, oh, I'm sorry. Should we watch the Reno 911 movie again? And I was like, maybe we should. Is it good?

Yeah, maybe if it's good. Oh, Yellow Jackets is on Showtime. Yeah. Thank you, producer. I watched the Reno 911 movie, which Reno 911, they look for QAnon in the movie. They go on a QAnon booze cruise to find QAnon, find out who it is. It's incredible. Oh, that's amazing.

I mean, yeah. Can I tell you a spoiler? We have to get into there. A deep spoiler. A deep spoiler. This is for everybody. Skip ahead. Okay.

They finally find QAnon on a remote island that QAnon owns. Guess who fucking plays QAnon? Who? Who? Who? Who? RuPaul Charles, girl. So it's the cast of Reno 911 finally being revealed who QAnon is.

And a chair turns around and it's RuPaul out of drag with no eyebrows on and just boy eyeliner in a turban and a robe. And he's queuing on. And I just felt like the edible hit. I was like, what? What?

And it's out. That's great. It's the cast, which I love from Reno 911, but when RuPaul entered the equation, I was like, did I write this movie?

This is amazing. Yeah, that's crazy. That's awesome. It was so good. When is it? The movie? It's on Paramount Plus. It just came out on Christmas. movie this is amazing crazy that's awesome it was so good when is it where the movie when the paramount plus it just came out on christmas it's uh it's called reno reno 911 the search for q anon i believe do you have to be familiar with the with the show to to really get

the full enjoyment of the movie no no i mean it's a it's a troop of fairly inept police officers from Reno, Nevada, trying to find QAnon. Okay. Okay. Did you see Diana? No. Sorry to cut you off. Spencer? Who's Diana Spencer?

Kristen Stewart movie, Princess Diana. It's called Spencer. Did you see it? No. Do people live? Certain people live. She didn't, unfortunately. You know, she died.

Oh, yeah. But it's a lot of throwing up. There's a lot of bulimia. A lot of bulimia. A lot of time at the toilet, hugging the bowl. They really don't want her to be dead in Hollywood. They don't want Diana to be dead. They won't accept it.

They reanimate corpses. They're doing necromancy and mama they didn't i did it they used this corpse as diana on all stars i think let's just let the bitch rest let the bitch rest but there's this scene that's with them there's this so this i realized lately i i have been so turned off by um gore, but like it's body horror. Like, okay, for example, in this, she takes wire cutters and she snips her arm, like the flesh of her arm. I mean, not like. Is she doing self-injury?

Yes. Trigger warning, self-injury. Trigger warning, self-injury. Because I have to tell you, I had such a visceral reaction. It so deeply disturbed me. It's why I had to walk out of the movie Teton, the French movie, because there was nipple biting. And I just couldn't watch it. And I love gore.

I love gore in a horror movie. You know, chopping heads off. Love that shit. Love that shit. Love that shit. But like, it was so, and the sound design was so perfectly done that that snip, I was like, oh, it was like, I was puked. Yeah, which for you, that's a lot. Yeah, yeah. Well, I can, I mean, I don't, listen, I can see a lot of gore and feel nothing really wait i can also go to the funeral of a close friend and go to work the next day so like don't go by me do

what i mean like don't go by me don't go i don't cry anything you're like eden i don't care she has never been moved to cry a lot i think and now lot, I think, and now I'm just like, no. Yeah. We don't do that anymore. We don't do that. We don't do that here. My body, I drink too much. My body's like, we need this moisture. We need this hydration. Drink the tears.

Oh, mama, I got big, juicy goblets. Big, juicy. I got big, juicy. I know. It's tumbling. I love it. Do you think it's a release for you? Do you think it's almost masturbatory?

Like, oh. Is it like? Not quite masturbatory you think it's a release for you? Do you think it's like almost masturbatory? Like, oh, is it like? Not quite masturbatory, but it's certainly, I just, I love sensation. So I love feeling. We're taking a break. We're taking a fucking break. We need a clean break from what you just said. So we can go back. back.

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Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And we're back. Are we in the studio today, or is this your apartment? This is the studio, baby. Oh, it is the studio. Wow. Yeah, we're in the studio, baby. Oh, it is the studio. Wow. Yeah, we're in this studio, and I have been, so I've been reupholstering my furniture, which is thrilling, by the way.

Wait, are you doing this? Yeah, I'll show you a picture. It's fierce. That is so amazing. I think shit like that is so cool. Oh, work. Oh, my God. You look like Fabio when he got hit in the face with that goose on that roller coaster.

I got hit in the face by a goose. Yeah. By a goose. Goose in the face. I'm telling you, listen. So I got that cloud couch. It was the biggest purchase I ever made, $4,000 a couple years ago. It was a huge purchase.

I was very scared. And it's the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life. And everybody seems to be of that opinion. However, Mama She is bland and blah and ugly. No. And I'm like gray.

Yeah. Wait, did you pick the color and then you change your mind or what? No, no, no. That's all they had available. The couch is gray. People want gray stuff. People like gray.

They like white. It's gross couch is great. People want gray stuff. People were like gray. They like white. It's gross. So I'm taking all these fabrics and I'm fucking that bitch up. And she's so fierce. Work. How are you doing it? I'm doing it with a sewing machine. I know.

But have you done this before? Never one time. Not in my life. Never even made a pillowcase. Are you just kind of like making like the pattern as you go i'll show you so sorry if i'm overly interested i do think it's interesting so this is one of the giant pillows uh-huh i made it black so that's like that but then um i'll show you pictures because it looks so fierce it's like black and white checkered and then red and then it's cute yeah i i was watching um

a great british baking show the christmas edition and matt lucas was hosting it who and i just all i could see was myself oh no all i could see was myself hold on one second literally one second Oh my god, totally. That's him, right? Yeah, entirely. For those of us listening on audio, where do you get a rubber head like that? DapperCadavers.com Oh.

What are they for? You know what they're for. Nobody's fucking that thing. My penis is only, look, see? It's only that way. My penis. And I get a little tooth. I get a little tooth.

No, you have to, honestly, you've got to watch Dune. I'm going to keep talking about it until you do it. I'll watch Dune. I'll watch it. I'll Dune out. Dune and bait. You know what I do? Duning and baiting.

David's family is moving into a home in Palm Springs and it wasn't ready yet for move in for holiday so we spent the holiday at the presidential suite at the JW Marriott in Desert Springs it was that is wow that's really tough it's beautiful and lovely room service every night

love what was the menu it wasn't great to be honest like when a hotel's offering a cheese quesadilla don't get it when the hotel's offering spaghetti don't get it you know like really no spaghetti like when a hotel tries to call a pizza a flatbread i'm not oh fuck off it's a pizza mary it's a that's a frozen piece of shit yeah yeah yeah mary but i was connected to a golf course. And there's big, you know what I did?

You know how I don't like to break rules. But I said, fuck it. You took a shit on the greens? You took a shit on the greens? No. No. I wanted to run. I wanted to run six miles.

And I didn't want to run down the street. And, you know, the golf courses have paths for golf carts. And there's big signs that say no pedestrian traffic. And I said, i looked to my left i looked to my right i said what are they gonna do they're gonna be able to catch me not even those carts and i ran you are bad on oh you're bad you're you know you know and you know what the caucasity jumped out because all the people i saw were rich white families on Christmas vacation golfing. It was like hot skinny dads with hot skinny 20-year-old sons golfing.

And I'm just like... Wait, hot skinny... Oh, okay. It was like dad and son outings, Caucasian wealth on display. I just don't know. No matter how much money I ever got, I wouldn't be golfing.

That being said, Brandon got me tennis racket for my Christmas present and now I want to learn tennis. Mama, tennis is over here. Golf is over there. That's what I think. Who is playing golf?

Mama, ain't nobody playing golf. Golf is the only sport that has never factored into one of my sexual fantasies. Think about it. Well, the outfits aren't doing them any favors. Nothing's doing... No one's golfing. No one's golfing. Tennis, though, is

the one. Tennis is hot. Tennis is so hard. It's so hard. It's so impressive. It's so fantastic. It doesn't look easy. It's so difficult. It's so fucking hard. I think I'm going to get a real instructor. You should. I think I'm going to get a real instructor. You should. I have a great porn where the girl is getting private tennis lessons from the guy and he fucks her over the net. Mama, that shit is lit.

Work. He's helping her on her serve and she's not wearing any panties, of course. You think I can get Sharapova? I would admire. What do you think she's priced at per hour? Serena. Let's do Serena. Yes.

Yeah. Or you go old school. Venus and or Serena. Martina Navratilova, get that good witch energy. David told me that Martina Navratilova's wife is on a Real Housewives franchise now. Oh. Really? I think so.

You know I like to come on this pod and say shit and not know what I'm talking about. I think you're right. I think I read that. Also, don't you think Kourtney should be on the Real Housewives? Real Housewives of Miami. Even if Rachel L the Real Housewives? Real Housewives of Miami. She's in Aviciiola to appear in Real Housewives of Miami.

Her wife, Julia Lemagova, will be featured as part of the main cast. Cool. Lesbo drama. Let me put my hair up. Martina Navratilova. Is she Serbian? I wonder.

Love the name wonder love the name yeah it's great love the name I love people with a fun name Navratilova I love fun names well if you're just tuning in I've relocated to my couch

yeah I'm still on the same wooden toilet so Navratilova fun names what were we saying Yeah. I'm still on the same wooden toilet. So Navratilova, fun names. What were we saying? Oh, we just like Navratilova, fun name. You know?

Fun name. Yeah. Oh. Resolutions? New Year's? Plans for the New Year? Oh, I know what I was going to say. I tried to watch this fucking comedy special yearly departed but there was it was so covet heavy with the with the content i had to turn that shit fucking right off i don't want to hear about covet i don't it's not

interesting it's not fun it's not funny it's i don't want it we're still in it i know it's like not it i know i i don't want to hear people make jokes about Zoom. I know. When One Night Only came out and then COVID hit, I remember thinking, oh, if I'd waited a month, I could have added a couple jokes and made it the first COVID special. And now I'm so happy I didn't because I'll watch it in five years and not be reminded of COVID. Yeah. It just locates it in this horrible, not be reminded of COVID. And not, yeah. Like this, it's just locates it in this horrible,

nasty, not very, it just, yeah. It's dated in the worst way. It's yeah. It's just going to remind everyone of like a horrible time. I'm so over it though.

I mean, I did get my booster and I did too. I don't fear getting ill. I don't fear getting sick. I fear getting sick and then having to shut down several productions that i'm on because hello so everybody has covet mary everybody's got it everybody has i know it's crazy it's crazy i know but i guess they're saying that it's drastically less um you're a lot people are a lot less sick less sympt symptomatic. Well, that's good. But I just worry about it making me miss work. I was going to say, it's like, yeah, being in bed or having multiple, you know, dozens of people not have a paycheck because you can't come in.

Right. Because especially when I missed that day of Netflix and stuff, I missed, you know, I start to think about other people. Yeah, it was the worst day of my life. That was that. I don't think you realize what the impact that had on me. The responsibility I had to just I just I know that the tables have never been turned. So there's no possible way for you would understand that somebody. And, you know, it's going to happen right before you and I have to take on the biggest undertaking of our lives, which is an international tour. COVID's going to disintegrate.

Oh, yeah. Right before I'm about to go back to bed for a year and say, maybe next year it's going to go. And just like that, COVID died. And just like that, COVID died. Oh, and just like that, Mary. And just like that. We got New Year's resolutions, mom. To be perfectly honest. To be perfectly, perfectly honest.

No. I haven't resolved to do anything. I mean, I aspire. Perfect don't need polish. Perfect don't need no polish. Sorry. And you know what? It's important to know when you can no longer improve.

Thank you. For better or for worse. We know our limits. I want to do another marathon, obviously. But I honestly, if we're being honest, the full marathon took so much time at certain points of last year that I don't know schedule wise if I can actually commit that many hours a week again. I mean, on the weekends, I'd be running two or three hours. I don't know if I can do that with a schedule. So think i might do half this year halves are 13. half's great that's great yeah i think 26 point whatever is is verges on self-harm that's just my unprofessional opinion

but you know that's what my david you know david was like you don't need to be doing that he was like you do not need to be putting your body through that you need to be working and i'm like yeah i guess well you don't need to be working i mean you don't need to be doing that he was like you do not need to be putting your body through that you need to be working and i'm like yeah i guess well you don't need to be working i mean you don't need to be doing using that time working oh you need to i watched the britney murphy documentary and it's about her boyfriend putting her in tv productions that he produces and forcing her to work and i was like hmm sounds exactly how David Silber treats me. Micromanaging outfit? Like,

you're going to wear this and you're... I lost 17 pounds last year and I'm not saying I want to lose more weight but I do not want to gain a single pound of it back. So that's pretty up there for me.

I want to keep DJing but I guess if we're talking about like an actual goal, an actual goal, an actual goal, I don't have one. No, great. No.

We have to work all year. You and I have to tour literally until December. So who cares what we want? That has nothing to do with what's going to happen. What you want to do. What you want to do is not necessarily what you're going to do. Seriously. I guess my goal is to still like you at the end of this year.

Yeah. And that's enough on my plate. My goal is not to be this. Wait, put the wig on him. Give him some dignity. That's me with your wig on. Like, I'm sorry. Hi, guys guys sorry i'm late to the zoom i'm really excited to be here can she go on tour can she replace me please please what are your resolutions

you got any um i do not uh no i. Quit smoking. Always. That's always the one. So what's the strat there? Oh, there's no strategy, mama. It's a goal. I mean, sorry. It's a resolution. For a goal, you have strategy. If quitting smoking is point Z and you're at point A, do you have any idea what the middle points will be? Yeah.

You got B, C, D, E, F, G. No, it's will be. Yeah. You got B, C, D, E, F, G. No, it's to read. Yeah. I mean, because some people, some people, they replace it with like. No, no replacing. No replacing.

You do not replace. You cannot replace. You just stop. No, I mean, I'm not smoking right now mean i'm not smoking right now i'm not smoking right now i should be you know what i mean like i'm not smoking right now i look behind you and i see two cigarettes in the ashtray why don't you start vaping or not vaping you know how they do but that's replacing that's replacing that's replacing we don't want to do that but you know how marijuana people put their marijuana in a vaporizer and then they just sit in the room?

Why don't you do that with cigarette smoke? That could be fun. Just hotbox yourself. I'll just reek. I won't get any of the benefits, all the drawbacks. You'll just smell. Yeah. No, I don't want to smoke on tour.

It's going to make your life so much harder if you do. It's going to make the show really hard. And if you quit now, give your body a few months. Your lungs will be in a completely different place. I only need 30 days. And that shit will be like, yeah. Yeah. Because I'm in good physical shape.

I just have no endurance because of the cardiovascular. Do you know what I mean? Girl, you don't want to be huffing and puffing to the point of blackout every night. You don't. Let me tell you, it's going to happen. Huffing and puffing and wheezing. I'll be a little wheezy. Miss Wheezy over there.

Trying to be sexy. Pig died. Pig died. If you drop dead on stage, am gonna say that i i really need you to i really need and i i would love to i would love to die on stage i mean i that i don't want to die on stage but i don't want to traumatize the people but that'd be kind of fun no no are you kidding that's when i was um up on those wires that one time in drag it crossed my mind what this is how i die and wouldn't that be iconic it would be the it would be the best thing ever it'd be so fierce it'd be so fierce it'd be even fiercer if nobody got nobody got photos

like nobody got video that no video and it's just like a it's just like a tale like you were there let me tell you how it happened. Like, large marge. It was the worst. That's what people are going to say about our tour. It was the worst accident I ever seen. Speaking of, we have to start rehearsing that soon. Like, in January almost.

I know, Mary. It's imminent. The end is nigh. You and I need to have an in-person read-through of that script. I know. Eden and I just read through it, the complete thing, the other day, a couple days ago. And it's in a good spot. It's in a good spot.

It still needs work, but we can punch it up together. Reading through the script is not my favorite activity. Girl, how do you think I enjoyed writing it i know not fun either i know and i only co-wrote it for a third time but i won't read my own script to my own show that i have to perform it's hard it's hard it's really difficult and you have to make it funny yes and it has to be funny yeah you like self-judge it and you know to make it funny. Yes. And it has to be funny. Yeah. You like self-judge it and you know, but they say you can't create and edit at the same time.

So you just got to go by that. You got to just spit it out. I know. But when you go back to the spit bucket and you try to sift through all the shit and there ain't no gold in there, it's a little tough. I don't, that never happened to me. Oh my God. Do you want to tell the viewers that you're, that you're decorating your house?

Hi. Hi viewer. Yes. Actually, I want to show you, um, damn it. I wish I had some, um, motherfucker. I wish I had, um, a a picture but I had some it's so literally it went from like

it is move that bus that is like went from drab to fab it's so fierce the place is looking so cute how long is it gonna take till you're done it'll probably be done

before tour it'll have to be done before tour probably two more months mama wallpaper it's tough although but there's

no we're not we're not like blasting we're not taking out walls or anything like that oh okay that's not so bad then it's just painting wallpaper and a little more furniture items some fixtures it's a rental it's like how much do you really want to dramatically change it i know i know and it's an expensive one you better like that place and never leave. I fucking love it. I love it. Every time I open the door, I open the door and I go, oh. You wake up smiling. You wake up smiling.

I do. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. Well, happy New Year's, everybody. Hope you have a lovely New Year and Merry Christmas. I'm having a very low-key New Year because everything's canceled. You know what I'm going to have a very low key new year because everything's canceled. You know what I'm going to do? And this is sad.

What? I'm going to go in that drag room, probably turn on a movie and spend days in there reorganizing drag. I just need it. I love that. But that's so, we're going to do a deep clean for the new year in the studio. Like pussy,

like legs in the stirrups, speculum going in and we're going to rotor route that shit. Yeah. Because Brandon has off for the week and I'm going to get that room to a point where when he comes back, I go like, this is what it looks like and this is what we need to keep it like.

Period. Period. So if anybody wants to come by and clean, my home address is... I'll be sure to share the door code with them. Thank you. Yeah. Before we go Did you hear about my costume that got stolen

From my house I just had a package stolen from my house too My studio My poor customer That jacket was so fierce That was so fierce She told me she said if it was really stolen, I'm going to cry. And I felt so bad telling her that I saw video footage of someone coming in the building and stealing it.

Yeah. There's footage? Uh-huh. There's footage because there's a camera in the mail room. Just came in, grabbed it, and left. Was it the only package they took? No, they took two others. But what does a size 16 men's build female

jacket what value does it have to anyone mama it's the holidays they're they're doing no they're doing christmas they're doing the holiday haul also they didn't know what was in it so no no it's they're going out they're going house to house mom it's the holiday haul for thieves i know the citizen app or whatever has been like going off being like, yeah, bitch. Everyone's getting their packages stolen. Yeah. I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess I'm moving, honestly. Yeah. You should, well, maybe you should. Well, it seems like you have a really nice place. I'll just bring some clothes and...

Listen, this is, we got to pull out this studio. We have a pullout now and the shower is functional. That water pressure, yank it right off. I'll wait till it's reupholstered. Okay, bye.

Okay, happy new year. Goodbye. Bye.