The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Philosophers Watching Car Crashes with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

The kids are finally in bed, the dishes have been washed, the clothes have been folded, and the dog has been walked. It's finally time to pour yourself a nice glass of chilled sparkling rosé, open up TikTok, and settle into that comfy little nook on the sofa to be magically whisked away to a world of Costco fights, misbehaving Karens, and dash-cam car crashes. Enjoy yourself, girl. You've earned it. Angi has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your home projects done well. Download the free Angi mobile app today or visit https://www.ANGI.com Rakuten is an online shopping platform that rewards you for shopping! Go to https://www.Rakuten.com NOW or download the Rakuten App today! Cash back rates change daily. See https://www.Rakuten.com for details. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What is that? It's a good song. What is it? Is it Sean Paul? Yeah. Sean Paul? Sean Paul. Give me the light.

What the one? Yeah, love him. How about, um, how about, um. Give me the light. What the one. Love him. Yeah. Love him. How about. Love Rihanna. You do? Yeah. Really?

Think about it. I have. That little bitch showed up on this planet and put out like a dozen timeless pieces of music. She put out a lot of hits. In like four years. Yeah. She put out a lot of hits. And then she said peace out and then became a billionaire doing lingeries.

It's amazing. And makeups. Which she did. lingeries It's amazing And makeups Which she did Yeah It's amazing Yeah she's very cool That's how you have a music career Do so much young

Do so much young And then just fuck around Like Not saying she's fucking around But She Has hits that will endure forever Yeah yeah yeah

She can never put a song out again I don't think she will Honestly It's great Yeah yeah yeah Good for her. I know. Listen, I love when people retire or they stop doing stuff.

Yeah. Love her. Yeah. I got another. Wait, do you know Kacey Musgraves? Yeah. She is so. I saw some pictures of her because I was Googling Gwen Stefani at the Met Gala 2019.

Because I love. Jeremy Scott. She went the way of Jeremy Scott. And then Kacey Gala 2019 because I love... Jeremy Scott. She went the way of Jeremy Scott. And then Kacey Musgraves is a friend with Jeremy Scott. Was that the Barbie year? Oh, camp. It was camp. Yes.

Mama, that was camp. She was looking camp right in the eye. But was that the one where Kacey was in the pink leather Barbie look? I don't know, but she was in a zipper, big zipper. Maybe that was that. Is it pink leather?

It's pink leather. Yeah. She's in the Moschino Jeremy Scott look. Outrageously beautiful. Like I can't even stand it. Her it's pink leather yeah she is she's in the mosquito jeremy scott outrageously beautiful like i can't even stand it her music's great too yeah her voice is like i i play that guitar she writes those songs i couldn't believe it she's amazing and i saw her she did a little um holiday special where in every scene she looks impeccably stunning and then miss lana del rey shows up in a little flat shoe and a little wiggle dress and that's your friend that's my friend i said mary where's the hair makeup

i know where's the where's the effort miss thing is in gucci like down yeah perfection in motion and no offense to lana she's fine lovely casey's great woman she's so her early music is so good and then um her album golden hour from like four years ago just amazing and uh it's us too it's how did she's so hot it's crazy that song high horse anytime it comes on i'm happy yeah good for her high horse so fun for her she's so pretty and she um she invited me to an event uh You know, what is it? Fuck, what's it called? Mary J. Blige.

Edie Parker. It's a like upscale women's marijuana paraphernalia. So it's like fancy ashtrays, fancy lighters, fancy purses with like a little joint area in it. I went to one of her holiday parties for the Edie Parker and she was, it was her party. Oh, wow. And she invited me and I had the pleasure of going. And I was so, and I love her music and I was so nervous to meet her and she was so nice.

Yeah. And so fucking beautiful in person. It's like, I'm telling you, if I saw her, I'd probably have to, I'd probably have to get her, you know what?

Just move away from her. Cause you're going to goon and you're going to say something stupid. I know. And it's like, you know, I mean, hot people know they're hot. Like give me a break. They don't need to be retold and retold. She's so stunning looking. you're going to goon and you're going to say something stupid. I know. And it's like, you know, I mean, hot people know they're hot. Like,

give me a break. They don't need to be retold and retold. She's so stunning looking. I, I, yeah, I worked with somebody the other day and I said, um,

I don't know why you're doing this. You could be like a model. And he was like, I do that. I am a model. Yeah. Hi, I'm,

I'm my name, Naomi Campbell. Yeah. It was a guy. And he said, hi, I'm Naomi Campbell. Yeah.

No, but you know, yeah, I'm Cindy Crawford. My name or my, I'm Naomi Campbell. Yeah. No, but you know. Yeah. I'm Cindy Crawford. My name or I'm Kaya Gerber. I do modeling. Kaya Gerber.

Not a hot name. No. It's like Kaya Gerber. I don't know what she looks like, but that's her name. You don't know what she looks like? It's Cindy Crawford's supermodel daughter. Oh. From She Was an American Horror Stories.

I don't know But she certainly looks Cindy Crawford's daughter Cindy Crawford's daughter Looks She is tall as a fucking stick She looks exactly like her mama It's insane It's another dupe

It's like Not a dupe Not a dupe Tracy Can you fact check that Are you kidding me Kaya Gerber is fucking Cindy Crawford's daughter

But I think she's in American Horror Stories She's an actor She's an actor now I believe she was in American Horror Stories As She's an actor? She's an actor now. I believe she was in American Horror Stories as a ghost. Oh, a ghost? But a sexy ghost. She was a sexy ghost.

Poised. So, I mean, I think also the son is a model too. Well, there you go. Okay. Genetics. Nepo babies of the modeling world. But see, with modeling though, you have to have the math on your side. It's like my little lumpy daughter

can't go on the runway if she's under 5'2". My little lumpy daughter? No, seriously. No, you're right. No, look at her. If you look at her, she's like, oh, that's a model. Yeah.

Because she looks like models look and you have to look like how models look, I guess, to be a model. I don't know how they would do that. What, make the little lumpy daughter taller? No, just modeling. I mean, I've done modeling as Trixie, but it's different. Also, it's hard.

I know people think modeling is easy. It's not easy. It's hard for you. It is hard for me. It's so hard for me. No, modeling is hard, but more than the photo shoot and the pose and getting the shot, the lifestyle. These people going places where they look at your body half naked, say something horrible to your face, and then you leave. And you're gorgeous, but because you work in an industry where everyone's gorgeous, it means nothing.

Why wouldn't you get a job at the local Petco and let your looks take you up to a mid-management level do you know what i mean like good look good look what is it sexy privilege uh pretty privilege pretty privilege no that's what it's called pretty privilege pretty privilege yeah yeah that will take you farther do you think at a at a midwestern paper chain than the fucking modeling world because who cares? Everyone's beautiful. I guess. And from, isn't runways kind of the hot or the uggos, right?

Well, it's- Runways, like, you are either classically model beautiful or you have, like, a interesting tooth. Interesting. Code word, like, you are ugly,

but you're 5'10 and 120 pounds or whatever like particularly for our eyes or like striking yeah it's striking striking look yeah anya telly joy i would call her also extremely beautiful she don't think i mean she does she is beautiful but she has this like alien bug oh yeah yeah i suppose alien bug energy yeah she has a striking face it's symmetrical crazy symmetrical i love her yeah but but but with the models you've got your stars Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose, yeah. Alien bug energy. Yeah, she has a striking face. It's symmetrical. Crazy symmetrical. Yeah, I love her. Yeah, but with the models, you've got your stars, your openers and closers, and then you have your filler queens, your workhorses, the girls who work, work, work, but they're not millionaires.

Yeah, you're right. You know what I mean? But when you see real models in the wild, your mind goes, that's a model. Yeah. In New York, because nobody ever walks in LA. You'd never get to see stars. It sucks. It sucks in LA.

Either they're sitting down in a restaurant or in their car. You never see them out in the wild. You never see them in the wild. In New York, you see models all the time walking and you're like, whoa, that's a model. They look so different. They look like giraffes. They look not human. And I mean that in a totally nice like way like like they take your breath away yes it's like an avatar yes it's i'm sigourney weaver they're sigourney weaver as the avatar yeah yes

have you seen that movie that's his name the way of water avatar i've only seen the first one. Oh, I haven't seen the second one. Because I heard the second one's like six hours. Thank you. I'm not getting involved in that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing all that. I'm not bringing my own pee bag. I'm not bringing my pee bag.

I'm not wearing a diaper to the I-Pick. And I'm not taking a pee break right when Jake Sully, you know, the major moment. If I'm going to have steak, Diane, I don't want to do it in a cinema. I want to do it at home. Because I'm going to need to eat dinner in in four hours you know what i mean do you like dave and busters i've never been there once in my life okay you keep talking you talked about it for six and a half years i have to go try it sometime you gotta go yeah i'm gonna go where i went um this weekend i had off where is it so i was really it's in hollywood hollywood and highland

hollywood and highland very close close. This weekend, I was getting... I was really testing my limits of how much I could disconnect from work. Yeah, I know. You also were on the phone with me. You said, it's my day off. You said about 12 and a half times. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to...

But I was trying to get used to it myself. I think you were trying to convince yourself. Yeah, yeah. It's my day off. It's my day off. It's my day off. Yeah, I'm going to go to... It's my day off.

So... But the truth is, I don't take many days off. When's my day off. It's my day off. Yeah, I'm going to go to Dave and Buster. It's my day off. But the truth is I don't take many days off. When I do have a day off and someone asks me to do something, I make a production of it. I go, it's my one day off.

Yeah, it's like, please stop suffocating me. I go to the mall. What mall? On Hollywood and Highland. There's a mall? Mary, the California Pizza Kitchen, the Hot Topic,

the Dave and Buster's, the Sephora. Is that by Grauman's Chinese Theater? By the Dolby Theater, yes. Oh, I know. I wouldn't call that a mall. Oh, The Dave & Buster's, The Sephora. Is that by Grauman's Chinese Theater? By the Dolby Theater, yes. Oh, I know. I wouldn't call that a mall.

Oh, it is a mall. Okay, whatever. Anyways, continue. I went to the local shopping center. Is that better? Yes, because I think of a mall. I think of like Westfield Mall. I think of like The Grove. Also, I told you it was Hollywood and Highland.

And then I said the mall. And you said, where is it? I don't know. You confused me. Hollywood and Highland has an annoying crosswalk that's a crisscross so that some dumb bitch from Paducah. Beth from Iowa. From Beth from Iowa can put on her jean skort and her flowy blouse.

They do selfies in the middle, Mary. They do selfies in the middle. They do selfies in the middle. And I hope a car takes them out. Mama, I believe firmly in my, now that I'm a driver, I believe firmly in my bones that between La Brea and Vermont, Hollywood should be no cars. Godless times. Godless times.

These are godless times on Hollywood Boulevard. If you want to get run down by a Scientologist in a Sprinter van, go to Hollywood Boulevard. Mama, between La Brea and Vermont Ave on Hollywood Boulevard, pedestrians only. Catch it, mayor. Mama, I live on Hollywood Boulevard. Catch it, mayor of LA. I live on Hollywood Boulevard. But we can go north south traffic

can still happen but no turning no fucking no no east west traffic on hollywood boulevard between liberia and vermont catch it well it'll be like sin city no laws it is a big city or is it i think they should almost have center i don't know maybe maybe maybe a lane that's Depending on the time of day Is express through Or express out Can't do it Changes direction Can't do it They do that

No You gotta do pedestrian only Be lawless Sin city The hookers rule the streets Friday I got another Microneedling facial And you said

Yeah I'm trying to stack them up Look how good it looks I mean You look great But you have makeup on right now Little bit Little bit yeah

Because it's still red From the treatment oh i see but i mean when you get them like six to two six weeks to two months apart yes kind of stack the benefits this time when i got in the shower i was like whoa a baby a baby yeah it's like the best my skin's ever looked you put your skin through so much fucking trauma trauma so you're traumatizing your dermis yeah and the epidermis yeah so i go to the davin busters and i'm scabbed i'm fully scabbed you know hollywood boulevard you fit right in entirely yeah but okay i gotta tell you this so there's the the mall and they go in the mall and i brought weed. And I thought, and you know,

I'm getting into weed. So I thought, you know, it's going to enhance my Dave and Buster's day off experience. We doing weed. Yeah. Of course. I puffed the weed.

Yeah. Marijuana, cigarette. I go in and they say, do you need a card? And I said, mama, I held up my phone where I have 13,000 tickets saved up.

And I said, Oh, I'm sorry. Are you Dave? Did you need to top up your power card this isn't my first rodeo bitch okay i know you need to point me to where the coin pushers are right now okay they're like plow games i like those you know oh where it's like you put the quarter in and then the plow pushes it and the quarters all move i gotta go i have no idea so

i gotta go find out games i love to Ski ball I love ski ball I love The thing where there's Clowns And you have balls And you gotta knock down The little fuzzy clowns Okay Like whack mole kinda

Yeah Love ski ball Love It looks like A beer pong So it's It's like What do you call it

Solo cups And you have Throw up You gotta get them like You know whatever Okay Do you do games driving games any i don't do anything like that no but do they have a lot of analog like there's

a ball and there's a thing or like throwing it's the uh gross motor movements yes yeah one of them is like you know it's a big combination lock and it's moving either way and you have to stop it on each number it's like oh wow i like like baby games high no no these are the high value ticket payout games these are the games where you can win 50 tickets a game and i'm not playing the fun ones getting less tickets okay so what did the tickets get you stay at a hotel a lot of items right now i have enough saved up for a um uh a vacuum what do you call it the ones that go on their own a a roomba yeah i have enough saved up for a room right now those aren't cheap no I know I didn't spend it um don't get a Roomba by the way absolutely don't get it for my house no

don't get a Roomba why they're horrible all that hardwood floor in my house oh my god they're horrible no they're not yes the room is horrible why because there's it's like a stupid fucking robot that doesn't do the job right you think I mean i know okay mama don't take jobs away from human beings mama you get a melee you get a melee you put the attachment of a hardwood floor never seen a hardwood floor cleaner i want i want a weekly cleaning person but you need a cleaner you're never home i but I, I don't want them to be there when I'm there. You're never there. Yeah. It's so easy.

It's so easy. You don't have, you don't have a cleaner house. I think if I leave a little gown, a little cleaning gown and David size out, he'll just like, definitely, but you have to have,

you have to have like really nice, like custom made rubber gloves. Yeah. Like dishwashing gloves. Yes. Gucci dishwashing with the monogrammed. And then, yeah, absolutely. And a little punch clock you can punch in and out. Yes. Yeah. Like a Gucci dishwashing gloves. With the monogrammed and then yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

And a little punch clock you can punch in and out. Yes. Yeah. And then I can kind of come by with a white glove and like you know. Yeah.

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I must have been in there 40 minutes. Couldn't decide what to get. I just there's too many possibilities and I had too much tickets which made me like drunk with possibility. I was like oh my god I could get these juggling balls or I could get this frisbee. It was like just too much in the air. Too many variables. What about

jewelry? Yeah that's where I got that silver that gold necklace that said winner. Oh my god. They have Moffato watches variables. What about- Sometimes- Jewelry? Yeah, that's where I got that silver, that gold necklace as a winner. Oh my God. They have Mojada watches? Those were three, no. The necklace was 3,000, but I already had one. Okay.

And they didn't have it at this particular Dave & Buster's. So I decided to wait because you can turn in your tickets that you win for appetizers. They have food there. Mary, they have fierce food there. Oh, I'm so hungry. So then I decided to go to the bar and I ordered the nachos with no meat and a Diet Coke. And you loved it. You got your life on that day off.

Loved it. But then I'm like, you know, I'm closing the door to the spiritual realm with the marijuana, but I'm going for one last hoorah on the way home. Because I decided to walk home. It's about a two-mile walk. So I go, I'm going to, and on my day off, walk. Why not? Absolutely, why not?

I'm gonna have my lovely walk, listen to music. And you know, in Hollywood Boulevard, they have the people dressed up as characters. A lot of time it's like someone in shitty blue face paint who's like, I'm Cookie Monster. And you're like, no you're not. But then it's Batman or some guy with a snake. But sometimes it's good.

Oh yeah. And I was particularly high. And there was a Pennywise. A good one. A very good one. Did you fuck him? No. It took me a whole second to understand what was going on. I'm walking on the stairs and I'm like.

And I look up and there's a very real Pennywise. With a balloon. Just standing. Did it scare the shit out of you? No. But because it looked like the one from the movie my brain went hollywood boulevard it's from the movie but it was so real and he was just standing there looking at me with the balloon it did take me a full second to be like right hollywood boulevard it

just took me out of my just for a second it scared me that's crazy it scared me i mean what would have happened i mean if he'd like try to like palpate your boner i am very fine i'm fine with that would you fuck one of those guys which one which which are the hollywood characters ass up i'm not into a non i'm not into door closed face covered but i but if you have a mask on it's where it's it's on there's something okay with that it's on site bitch yeah can i tell you halloween is hot for that reason i know i know look at that guy in the fucking mask which one all of them should we fuck them yeah like that's halloween that's debbie and paula going to the party yeah i love it i went to um i had sex you know i've been thinking about sex like you know oh it's sex whatever blah blah and then i had that's the comedy part of you hey sex what's up with that blah

men women ugh men are gross girls are stupid but yeah men are from mars women are from venus i was watching it as well so the difference between me married and not married uh-huh it's like one of us has cum in their pussy and the other doesn't. I watched a comedy special. My husband keeps waking me up and wanting to have sex. All the comedians talk about is like, get it? Like, it's sex. It's all comedians talk about is sex.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So I finally have sex the other night. And it was incredible. Who I finally have sex the other night and it was incredible. I had sex with a guy that I met online. Yeah. And it was, it was, it was off the charts. Like Dina Martino would say it was off the charts. Catch it. It was off the charts and we fucked for quite a while you know more than but here's the problem i recently had a hip replacement in thrusting thrusting in a sexual

motion thrusting my penis into somebody else's body it aggravates you know what helps though putting on a song that you can kind of match the rhythm to yeah Ba-dum, ba-dum. I hear it and I know. No, Benny Benassi, Satisfaction. Touch me and then there's my feet. You want that. So I can get my satisfaction. One. Yeah. The offbeat.

Every one in five, I'm doing it. But it was, oh my God, it was fabulous. And it was- Now he bottomed. He did. And he did brilliantly. Beautifully. What's the best thing? best expertly for your hip right now is it the best for you to like lay there probably um yes the best thing was for me to like have him ride but see the problem is that i was so turned on

that i couldn't stand still i couldn't sit still because i was consumed with desire it was it was a really wonderful experience and then i thought i thought to myself oh this is why people go insane because this type of pleasure is not only intoxicating it's very addicting it's very like it's they goon and then they went yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean but it was just and i was and there was a moment where like in the beginning when we were chatting because he's he's we don't have i'll say we don't have very much in common. Let's say that. And I like, I was like,

there was a moment where it's like, I don't think this is going to, I don't think this is going to lead into a hookup. And then I, his butt grazed my crotch and I was like, Oh, Oh, this is going,

this is actually going very much in that direction. Yeah. It was the physicality of it, of his body. His body was in the butt was like insane, like off the charts number, like cover girl, put the base in your, like,

you know, Kaya Gerber on the runway. It was like incredible, incredible. And like, it could have like, this person could be a total dick, a total asshole,

a Crettin from hell. I would still fuck the shit out of him. Yeah. Like in a second, in a heartbeat, in a moment's notice. I'd leave right now. Listen. This microphone would be on the floor with your dust cloud. Hookups are a beautiful thing.

Yeah. You know, the older I get, the more I'm like, I think when I was younger, I was like, yeah, but it's like, it's, it's a supplement for like the real thing. And now I'm like, what's the it's like, it's a supplement for like the real thing. And now I'm like, hookups are a different thing. Hookups are two people with really nothing in common, kind of like temporarily bonding over this mutual interest. And then it's over. And it's kind of like, yeah, it's not a supplement for a relationship. It's its own thing.

It's its own thing. And it was like, we, it was our second time hooking up, but there was, so there was a familiarity, but not much of a rapport, I'd say. And,

and it was just, God damn, it was fabulous to both be like sexually. I mean, it was like, it's such a wonderful thing. Cause it's like, oftentimes,

I mean, you know, it's such a wonderful thing because it's like oftentimes i mean you know it's when you know the give and take is almost even that is just it's electric yeah boogie woogie and that's not always happening no they're not always they're trying to like hold back their vomit no lately i've been having a lot of um i keep having more psychic things i'm sorry to interrupt you. But the Anon thing, it's the opposite of that. I can't do the Anon. Like, I don't.

Oh, you mean like no face, et cetera? No face. No, I don't want to. Just plug in a way. Like, this guy had a butt that, if it appeared in a glory hole or whatever, I don't know if they do that. But like, if there's a large hole and the butt came through, I'd be like, whoa. Are there butt glory holes?

I think so. You just do a bigger hole. Well, doesn't the dick go through the dick size hole and then your butt is just on the other side yeah but i'm saying if i could be able to see the butt you know what i mean so like that i would be like oh wow yeah i want to do that it doesn't matter if it's fucking you know mayor of east town on the other side um but like i don't there was like a very um you like his face and all that yes yes and i like there was a it was very intimate is what i'm trying to say yeah it was intimacy was very very intense and palpable even though it's just hookup right you know there's no it's no string situation but there's

still very strong intimacy uh-huh so that's great that's all anyways how'd you meet him the internet grinder yeah yeah yeah yeah you get scared of people coming to your house absolutely not no and he's he's funny he was like his he knew who i was and he was like a fan or whatever and he was like i can't believe you let me come to your house i was like why i guess i mean i was like at that i was like what because you became a serial killer i have so many knives you're sure you're shorter than me i could fucking slit your throat in a second yeah i could do you say that yeah i think that's good i reached into my junk drawer in the kitchen i took out the um the the buck knife and i was like mama you're like what are you what do you think's gonna happen mama 12 years of karate hip replacement no whatever whatever you're like before my hip

replacement i'd be scared but now yeah full range of motion titanium sweetie and you lift your leg up to your eye level and you go what are you gonna do I turn on the track I was like this joy is liberated this joy is liberated I I love hookups

yeah I'm happy for you sex I mean yeah sex is not everything but it's certainly something yeah yeah

and it's okay but gotta live without it gotta be able to live without it will you do faceless live without it Will you do Will you do faceless Will you do Will you do I don't wanna send you

A picture of my face But No I don't like that either That's crazy What do you mean faceless I don't know I'm gonna know

I gotta know I gotta know what you look like My pictures on On whatever Like Thing I'm trying to do Is say Grindr I look like that.

Like it's the whole body. You get a sense of how much I, the numbers, which are important. Age, height, weight. That's very important because those are real. And it's important. Those are facts. We hope they're facts.

But they have to be facts. Yeah. They fluctuate. Age doesn't. It only changes once a year. No, but I'm saying the representation fluctuates. I know. So you got to keep them up to date.

You know how I feel about 39. I know. Nobody's 39. Nobody's 39. Everybody salt and peppered and wrinkled to hell is like, I'm 39. I'm like, are you? Just don't show the age. I don't think my age.

I don't know what my age is showing. Also, I have no issue with old guys. Yes, but a lot of people do. Yes, me too. I have issues with liars. I will fuck your wrinkly old old guys. Yes. But a lot of people do. Yes. Me too. I have issues with liars. I will fuck your wrinkly old gray ass. Yeah.

But I won't fuck your wrinkly gold gray ass if you're trying to shove it into a 39 age package. You lying bitch. Let me see the passport. Because you can be hot at any age. You can be hot at any weight. Yes. Like don't lie about any of that. And don't lie about your fucking height, you freak.

That is so- You fucking freak. Okay, can I just say this? And I'll make a promise to you, you, you, all of you. If somebody ever comes over for a hookup and they say they're- 6'2". 6'2". And they're 5'10".

10. I'm going to say something. Yeah. And we should all say something because we have to live in reality. Yeah. We have to live in reality. Unless you are born with those Spice Girls stacked fucking pumps on your feet. Yeah.

You are not 6'2". And I'm fine with you not being 6'2". Of course. But why are you lying? Right, right, right, right, right. The cock-a-doodie car. Like, why are we lying? Why are we lying about height?

Because we're so afraid of rejection. We're so afraid of not getting into the front door because of that because of that stigma but i also i'll suck your tiny cock but not if you tell me it's a huge cock i will suck it i'll put that tiny little mr peanut in my mouth i'd never ever ever i've never ever tried when When people relay information about their dick size, that's Mother Goose. Mama, that's Mother Goose talking. That's story time. That's Esau's fables. That's the busy world of Richard Scarry.

That's drag hour at the library, honey. None of it is real. None of it matters. That's Madeline. Mama, that's everybody poops. Okay. Like, that's fucking public libraries. That's Maya Angelou, honey. I know why the Caged Words sing. That's fucking Public libraries Maya Angelou

Honey I know why the Caged word sings That's fiction That's fiction That's Stephen King Tom Sawyer's Gerald's game

It's crazy Don't And you can use That just gets all you want Huge Whatever Mama That's

It's Just come That's why I don't There's no Because I'm not really a bottom there's no like there's no expectation or or or um anything about dick size but i'm a bottom and i don't care if it's a small dick not every bottom cares about it being a fire hydrant but you're not a gutless insatiable bottom like like people in la which that by the way i was with the hookup he was very

or he was very pleased with the size and whatever of my penis. And I was very happy for that. Not a lot of guys love an acorn, but this guy couldn't. But he, people will like, I mean, this is what they're looking for. A girth wise, right? This is what they're looking for. Why? I think it's just, I don't know.

I think it's just, you go limits. You go, it's like a marathon. It's like you run a mile. You ran 27. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. That's worse. That's weirder than this.

You think? Yeah. I know. I don't know. You know, I'm fine with people having whatever kind of sex they have, but I almost, last night I had a gig and I played a remix of Short Dick Man and I really thought, I think I need to retire this song.

Yeah. I love this song, but I hate the sentiment. I do too. I do too. Because we don't hear small titty girl. You don't hear like,

I don't want to fuck that small titty girl. Right. It's terrible. I don't like that. No. Because I do want, well, yeah,

I do want that Short Dick Man. I want that Short Dick Man equal to a Big Dick Man. I don't care. Yeah. I want that fat butt man. I don that short dick man equal to a big dick man. I don't care. Yeah. I want that fat butt man. I don't care if he's got a peanut pecker or a fucking kielbasa on the other side. Now, is it a problem for you if you're trying to fuck someone and they have like a normal

ass and not a like. Oh, of course. I mean, it's. That's what I mean. You don't care. I don't care. There's still a butthole. I have.

Like, there's still a butthole. It was a person. There's a whole person attached to it. I, if that was really, if really, if my desire was so localized, I'd just go get one of those fucking latex Jennifer dolls. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, of course. Now they have men's ones. Of course they do. Gene. He's right in the living room. Yeah. Like there's not one in there. It's a whole thing

I don't understand. Yeah. I think it's the porn. I mean, because I know, like I have a regular butt but there is something there i've been with guys who have like extended backs where there's like no gluteal protrusion whatsoever i mean that's good it's a kind of a turnoff but when they're sitting on your dick it's fine but also isn't it about the butthole well that's where your dick goes

inside but that's where you should be honest imagine Imagine if some guy had a big round butt and you're a top and you're like, yeah. And then you go to spread those cheeks and eat the booty like groceries and there's no butthole. And he goes, oh, yeah, I don't think I can have one. That's a time when you speak up and you be honest. Imagine you digging and you go, oh, I don't think I can. I don't think you have a butthole. And he goes, I don't. That's weird.

The point where the girl's at the doctor and she doesn't have a pussy. It's on the back of her neck. Did I show you that? Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

He fucks it and it comes out her mouth. Let's take a break. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere and they never expire. Treat your friends or spoil your family. Earn them on your adventure and use them how you want,

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I got an official, the official ask, the offer to go to Turkey. So a doctor reached out and said, hey, we would love to do your hairline. It was a facility. So they would fly me first class, like go do the surgery, five-star hotel, obviously, like the works. And then, yeah. And then, you know, to help like. Like propagate their business? Yeah, to dispel like to the, not the room, clarify, like to show that it works. And it does.

I don't think anyone has doubt that it works. Because the reason we talk about it is because we go, Oh, look, he has hairline. I mean, I think that there is, there,

there are, there is discussion in about like, who is a candidate, right? Like, you know what I mean? How much hair do you need to have? Whatever, whatever.

Um, because I know a Baldy, I know this bitch fucking, um, my friend and, um, I saw in London or yeah, in London,

he, I saw him was like, Holy shit, you have fucking hair now hair now that bitch went to turkey he was a bald ass bitch david beckham um romeo beckham yeah yeah no he was like balder than me so we're super receded in bald spot big bald sweat mama full hair hair down should we just do model no because I'll tell you why. I won't do it because A, I couldn't accept or deal with two hours of that healing process, extended long healing process. And also, I have shitty hair. I had shitty hair.

I don't have good hair. The other problem is we do drag. Yeah, I don't want hair. It's very convenient to not have hair. Also, going to the hair salon, buying hair products, all that shit, it's a whole thing.

Mary, this skull shaver for five minutes every other day. Love it. I know. Love it. It's so easy.

I love it. The problem is I'm adjusted to the level of laziness that shaving my head offers me. I call it convenience. That's what I mean.

I can't go back. No. Also, I don't know what to go back to unless you're talking about extra, extra, full Mario Lopez-like fucking wig. Well, that's what I mean. For how much hair you and I have, it's not going to happen.

It's not going to mean my hairline suddenly migrates to, it means I'm going to have, I'm going to look slightly less bald. Yeah. And also there's no guarantee. Also, there's no guarantee. And you have to endure, because I'm going to have, I'm going to look slightly less bald. Yeah. And also there's no guarantee. Also, there's no guarantee. And you have to endure it because I know everybody's done it. That aftercare recovery time, when it grows through, gets itchy, painful, falls out, regrowth,

it's so long. It's so crazy. It's so nuts. I couldn't deal with it. It's not for me. It's not for me. Now, if we're talking about penile enlargements, if I could go from an acorn to a little baby carrot now we got some business to talk about but we're also men being male and being bald is easy it's not an issue it's funny i was a woman

and i had like noticeable baldness it'd be a completely different it's a totally different issue it's a different issue yeah yeah but like i guess the human eye is adjusted to bald men like we don't we don't think well that's weird when you see a bald woman part of what makes it it's a different issue yeah yeah but like i guess the human eye is adjusted to bald men like we don't we don't think well that's weird when you see a bald woman part of what makes it striking is like you don't see many bald women so you're like oh it's either oh you think like oh maybe chemo maybe like or or like if striking interesting bold choice right you know what i mean depending on the situation there is something about women with shaved heads luckily when jody turner fucking whatever jody turner smith or whatever joshua jackson's wife the most stunning holy shit yeah i think of obviously like um what's her name something rose amber rose oh yeah

stunning or um obviously uh jada yes stunning but i mean these are all gorgeous have any hairstyle right but jody was a Jody Turner. It helps to look like Jada Pinkett Smith or if you look like Jody Turner Smith, literally one of the most beautiful women in the entire world. You're cool for the summer. Exactly. When I worked at the makeup counter,

women would come in when they made the jump of shaving their head, they would come in and they would often start wearing more or bigger jewelry and more makeup because I think for them the long hair was part of their feminine identity yeah so women would shave their heads and they'd be like that would be the catalyst for them to start wearing bright lipstick okay lashes yeah because it really does balance out a bald head yeah to have a nice face focus totally i mean i worked at the wig store and we had many a woman come in who was in the process of chemo and it was always interesting to see like you know the the there was the woman who was like i need okay i have cancer i'm starting treatment i haven't

started to lose my hair yet up until the my hair is gone i need wigs and it was so fascinating it's very emotional losing your hair is wild yeah but then getting it back yeah which many of them do i had women like come in to learn to draw on brows oh right the brows go lashes lashes learning alopecia well and gluing on lashes when you don't have any is a different struggle you really have to kind of place them perfectly yeah um every day too lashes for me Every single time I probably put on lashes A thousand times It's not easy every time Oh I still have

Lash malfunctions Yeah Cause it's also For drag queens The life cycle of a lash A brand new lash Is different than I know I don't love

A brand new lash I love a one used You wear new lashes every time I do So you do love A brand new lash So what is the truth When I found out

You wore brand new lashes Every time That's when I realized You were rich And you had lost touch and you weren't like us anymore. Then I drive a Rolls Royce and I hit homeless people with my car. Yeah, exactly. No, but I do. I cut them in half and I wear little boo-boo lashes, little baby boo-boos. But it's tough because I have tiny little eyes.

Do you wear bottoms at all? No. Never? Never. You never even do like. all? No. Never? Never. You never even do like... I used to. I used to. Even like a couple chunks just on the outer? Don't you think that'd be like sexy?

No, I have... Because you wear so much smoke on the bottom. I know. I have done that. But if I do a bottom lash, I do with such a huge top lash. Otherwise, I look like a droopy clown bitch. Do you know what I mean? Because my lashes...

My eyes are so small. I don't have any space. You know Oh I wanna do your makeup I'm gonna get micro-needled Yeah you should Yeah I'm gonna get micro-needled Go to my guy

Cause this Wait are you talking about micro-blading Micro-blading sorry Micro-blading Micro-blading Micro-blading Micro-blading Because when I have to shave off

Half the fucking eyebrow For drag I look like whodunit and ran And this is gonna be like It'll be all Penciled in do you miss having you want to have half eyebrows again i'm almost there you see them right now makes your life easier i'm almost there i almost look half human almost but are you going to shave

half again yes but they'll be microbladed on yeah so the problem is i think you can't wear makeup for two weeks well i think it's 10 days. No problem. I got a month off. Well, that's why I got my facial. Oh, they're right. No one. That's why I had three days off last weekend because of the facial thing. Right. It's the only time I have time off. You have to give your face a rest.

You have to. You have to. When my skin starts to look good, I'm always like, look at me. And I'm like. It's a human being skin who doesn't wear makeup. Because I haven't done drag in a few days. Yes, exactly. And I'm like. It's a human being skin who doesn't wear makeup. Because I haven't done drag in a few days. Yes, exactly. Drag is so gross for the body.

If you exercise and drink water and don't put makeup on, you'd be amazed. I have a makeup company, so I'm not saying you shouldn't wear makeup. But you'd be amazed what your skin is capable of. I mean, look at Amy Schrenkel. Yes. 42. Doesn't wear concealer. 65 years old.

Doesn't wear face makeup. I know. 65 years old. Flawless. How about this though? doesn't wear concealer doesn't wear face makeup I know 65 years old Wallace how about this though have you ever tried to put on the brightest eye shadow and unleashed your inner

superhero I I'm just gonna say if we're gonna talk about the RuPaul Architectural Digest we're not we're not gonna talk about it we're not I just gonna say If we're gonna talk about The RuPaul Architectural Digest Tour No we can't We're not gonna talk about it We're not gonna talk about it

I just wanna say We're not gonna talk about it I wanna say that I watched it three times And I found new things every time I'm gonna say that After I watched it the first time I had to I lay down

I had to lay down flat On the sofa But you know what though Any of those AD tours And I've seen several I've seen Dakota Johnson's I've seen Kirsten Dun, and I've seen several, I've seen Dakota Johnson's, I've seen Kirsten Dunst's. I've seen them all. I've seen them all.

They all have that effect on me. Every single one is the wealth and the celebrity level, that sort of intimacy that they, I mean, it's staged intimacy. Mama, let's talk about this. It's staged. It's staged. But you walk in and you walk in, you are the viewer.

You feel like you are walking in and they are giving that's the way they shoot it they shoot it like someone's giving a tour of their house yeah like welcome into my home and i love the series i love it and i love all the houses even the ones that are like the celebrity ones where they're all gray i'm like whatever i still love it yeah i love all of them i know for a fact that many of those homes are one of them in fact one of my favorite tours actually learned all that furniture was rented she'd sold the house months before yeah there's nothing a lot of times they do it when they're trying to list the house oh yeah i knew that yeah but and um it's all bullshit it's all fake it's

all staged it's all produced i would do my new house no but i don't think it's i think you need to be way richer than that i think you need like no no no no they do like i mean hi i'm i'm caroline um boo boo ville and this i'm an influencer in brooklyn here's my 300 square foot brownstone apartment but um i love gwyneth's that's what i mean i love gwyneth paltrow's was crazy but they're all crazy they're all crazy i mean gwyneth had a spa in her basement. A spa. She had Steamworks in her basement. She's on prep. It's nuts. Gwyneth is on prep. She's on Ozempic too.

Ozempic and prep. But I loved her. Do you know Ozempic is injections? Yeah. Okay. Really thought it was a pill. Subcutaneous injections like in the fat. So if you want to lose weight, you have to be able to inject yourself?

So I did HGH for like a few months. You did? I did. When yeah a couple years ago when i was just going i was like laurel um yeah i would have had to do a skull crusher no i did it we had to bind my head like someone's feet but the point is it's a subcutaneous injection which literally you take you take a pinch a a little thing of fat the needle is so tiny you can't even feel it it's like i don It's like I did it on Amy's cat for insulin. I don't believe it.

Mama, I didn't believe it either. I was so terrified. And then I did it. You can do it and you hardly even feel it. Somebody could do it while you slept. No joke. I get my STI screening every three months. Oh, that's a blood draw.

And when they take my blood. No, that's a blood draw, Mama. They're always like, are you okay? Are you good? And I go, yeah, I'm fine. And then they put the needle into the skin and I go, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. This is nothing. When they take your blood, what is your actual physical response? I, so I like, I take a deep breath.

I calm down in it. As they, as they, I like, I exhale as they go. I've had my blood run a lot. I know. Mine is,

mine is unintentionally theatrical. Oh, you do. It's always this arm and they go, all right. And she's, you know, they, most people don't want to look. So I usually look away.

I usually look away as well. And when they do it, I go. Oh my God. How about this one? Oh my God. How about this one? Have they ever struggled to put in an IV and had to try three or four times? Listen, no, no, no.

I have, I'm extremely vascular. That was so no, no. I have, I'm extremely vascular. That was so mean. That was so mean. I'm extremely vascular on most of the days. See, that's a good vein. So I was with a nurse who was not very good because those are like textbook veins. They could take your blood up your arm. Is that from exercise?

It's just been being vascular. It's just been from being like. But people who do marathons and stuff, they have like veiny oh yeah yeah i mean if i like let them if i like do a pump they fucking bulge it's disgusting like huge like like they're like a half inch above the skin it's gross yeah if i was in medical school i would want your arm yes you don't want exactly exactly but there was a bad nurse was very, very bad at her job. Lovely lady. Terrible fucking nurse who was torturing me. Torturing me until her supervisor came in and did it in a second. But in the meantime, I had to endure her sticking and not finding a vein to insert a port.

And when they don't find it, it's a different feeling. It's a very different fucking feeling. If something feels off. It feels off. It feels off. It feels wrong. And also when she's getting flustered and I'm getting nervous and then it's getting a whole, it's a whole fucking, it's a nightmare. And it's blood.

There's blood everywhere. But of course, not to defend anyone, it's incredibly hard. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it either. I would never do it. I couldn't be a phlebotomist. Ross, who does my face. Ross, hello.

Well, that's different. He missed my vein the other day and he's never missed it. And he goes, I never miss it. I can't believe I phlebotomist. Ross, who does my face. Ross, hello. Well, that's different. He missed my vein the other day. And he's never missed it. And he goes, I never miss it. I can't believe I just missed it. And I had to go, I don't think it's in there. Yeah, I don't think it's in there. I don't think it's in there.

And then he switched to the other arm. The other arm had a better vein. Yeah. Also, you have to have confidence. You have to have confidence. I've watched TikToks of medical students learning how to do that. And they have a little needle. And they have like a sponge or or piece of fruit or whatever.

And they're just over and over again sticking it just to get used to the. Because you can't. You can't hesitate. You can't hesitate. You go right in there. You need to go right in. And there's Lori Odinger, the nurse who did my thing. She's a registered nurse.

She is so skilled. Her technique is so skilled. But not to be dumb, how do they not stab it into your vein and then through the vein through the other side they just know they know how did your vein not start squirting blood in your body it's it's all because it's because of the technology of the little needles stuff the human body is a mystery it's i watch a lot of car crash videos I watch a lot of car crash videos. Twitter at crazy clips.

Watch it all the time. It's just all fights and crashes, all fights and crashes. And I, I like get high and like watch that. I might take talk this close to my face and I go, Oh my God. And David's like, I'm trying to sleep.

And I'm like, look, and it's a woman flying out of a windshield, like in a head on collision. And he's like, why are you watching this? Cause I like to know stuff. You know, know some people seek knowledge i'm kind of like homer or like you know yeah like i'm kind of like a philosopher but like on twitter so um i forgot what i was saying car crash oh car crashes right i'll watch some car crashes where

a lot of times in the chat under the the video it'll be like oh this person died rest in peace and then some other video where something 10 times as crazy happens and it'll be like this is fine she's fine wow i don't want to be in a car crash package thieves i've watched a lot oh videos. Oh, of the videos. Me too. Of package thieves. You have seen them as well. And some people don't get them. Don't steal from some people or they will launch a plan to catch you in the act. Oh, no.

So many videos of people catching them. And what do they do? Mary, some of some people are making the packages explode. And what do they do? Mary, some of some people are making the packages explode. And then they run out off their porch and go, told you not to touch my packages, you fucking bitch. Oh, that's crazy. It's crazy.

That's crazy. They wait till they grab the package. And then they run out of the neighbor's garage and tackle them. And they're like, that's my house, bitch. And they call the police, which i love because there's murder there's you know terrorism whatever then there's stealing package so you steal someone's package from amazon mama it's on site by the firing squad it's on site don't steal packages just don't steal mail but also don't steal packages and also don't go to the trouble of um doing exploding package entrapment techniques.

That's too far. That's too far. Because now we're trying to injure people because they stole what? Was this booby traps? Was this yellow jackets? Is it Home Alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Macaulay Culkin comes out. But they're digging trenches.

They're laying leaves over it. And they're trying to get you in a 12-foot pit. And they're going to leave you on there to starve to death. That's what that exploding package energy has. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy exploding packages all right well on that note i think we should explode this episode and finish it

oh okay i'm sorry i'm not done i have a lot more to talk about i don't like being silenced is it podcast don't silence women don't silence women's stories matter women they just stories matter they just matter now this, we've had packages stolen. Well, because you have that foyer. I know. That easy access foyer. My new house, because there's a wall around the property, the packages, they just throw them over the wall. No one can get in there.

We never have missing packages. I thought all of that. Thank God. Yeah. Well, wait until you get my little mini tramp. And I do a little round off back handspring. Boom. Over the fence.

Through the trees. Who will be laughing then? Mama, over the trees. Hello. I got to figure out my fountain in my front yard. Right now it's bright green. Let's get it blue. I'm going to have to dump out all the water.

Mama, welcome to home ownership this isn't important I guess we can end but final thought final thought I want to install a um a 25 foot tumble track with a crash pad on the top level of my deck see that worries me and I have done all the research I know that I know the install I know the specs it will work it will you gotta dig into the ground obviously nope it's a port- track it's 16 inches high it's solid firm it's portable and very stable it can go right over the deck a 12 foot crash pad very safe so i have a few issues here number one this is the top of a mountain absolutely so if you did if you did fall off that you're going down a hill no there is i'm going so there are railings.

Okay. There are railings. You don't think you can fly over a trampoline? Of course I can. But I am an experienced tumbler. I go, I go front. I go back. I don't do side to side, Mary.

Mary, you got a hip replacement from walking. What has nothing to do with it? But not from jumping. You think 45 is the age and living alone. 45 and living alone. 45 and living alone. Let's install a murder track so that I can off myself. Oh, I see where this is going now. Okay.

Tragedy struck unexpectedly when local non-gymnast Katya was doing gymnastics in her backyard. With aging tweaker. Aging tweaker. Off deck. Oh, there ain't no other way. Ah! Off deck. She got off deck and then she got off deck, honey.

Oh, God. can we stop it's too much it's too much off deck fuck Bye.