The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Revisiting Glory Holes & Catsup with Jeff Maccubbin & Ron Hill

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

As summer comes to a sweaty, malodorous end and you attempt to enjoy a few solitary moments of seasonal joy, take a minute to dry your swamp-ass in the air-conditioning, put on some clean underwear, and chill that special box of wine you've been saving for a special occasion. This week, we're revisiting an amazing chat with the co-editors of UNHhhh, Jeff Maccubbin & Ronald Hill. Come join the girls and guys in the studio to talk about creative porn scenarios, soul-devouring rockabilly chicks, and the dirty secrets to UNHhhh's comedic brilliance. (hint: it involves dark magic, sacrifice, and doughnuts) To check out UNHhhh, go to: https://bit.ly/UNHhhhYTPlaylist Follow Jeff: @EvilJeff Follow Ron: @ArtOfWot Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Well, welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful today. We are here with, um... I... I don't know who they are. We are here with the people... It's like we're the ventriloquists and these are the Geppettos. Like Pinocchio and Geppetto, right? Wait, do you know what I'm talking about?

So, Geppetto makes the puppets. Behind every great woman is an even better man. That's sexist. Yes. What isn't Rasputin puppets? Rasputin, isn't that his name? Oh, what is it called? Svengali.

You're the Svengali to our stars on, uh. I'll take it. Yeah, Svengali, it's a person who take it. Yes. It's a person who like controls you, influences you like something you need to know

about us. All of our references are current, current in the Zyka. Svengali. Basically,

we're here with Jeff McCubbin and Ron Hill, who are the superstar editors of our wonderful web show. And today we're going to be in a takedown piece of ourselves.

Because we get all the credit for this show and we don't deserve it. Mama, we don't do jack shit. Sometimes I do less than nothing. And then you guys have to fucking wizard that shit into gold. What's the most shocking? Oh, go ahead. I don't think you guys give yourself enough credit. I know.

I'm guilty of that. She gives herself plenty of ahead. I don't think you guys give yourself enough credit. I know. I'm guilty of that. No, she gives herself plenty of credit. I don't deserve any of it. Yeah. We haven't canceled in a while. That's big. Showing up is 100% of the job. I almost canceled the other day.

I know you did. And she does this thing where she's like, should we? And I'm like, say it, say it, say it, say it. And then she doesn't say it. Yeah. It's like Beetlejuice. Like, I need to say it three times. I'll say it twice.

Candyman. And then she's like, you don't have to talk to Barb, just say it. And I refuse to say the third one. I'm literally Candyman. Instead of a hook, I've got like the cancel button. And I'm just like right there in the mirror waiting for you. It's you with Starburst. Yeah.

Do it. So you edit our show. We do. We act in your show. Yeah. Acting. Yeah. What's up with that?

Yeah, like, what's that all about? Like, how do you do that? What goes through your head? Do you love it? I'm sorry. I don't even know where to start. I know. Well, Ron. How do you get this job. I know. How did you get this job?

I know. When did you start, Ron? I started as a night shift assistant editor, and it was my first job out of college. Night shift assistant editor? Yeah. I knew nothing about Drag Race. I knew nothing about drag. And I just sort of worked as a night job.

So you were like the Matt Damon in The Good Will Hunting. I just sort of like worked as a knight. So you were like the Matt Damon in the Good Will Hunting. Like you were like the janitor who like wandered in and solved all the stuff. But less problematic. And just like Matt Damon, you just stopped saying Peggett. And thank God for your daughter who did that treatise and really like educated you because. And it was the fact that it was nine pages. If it had been eight, no.

It was nine pages. No, I don't know how long it was. I think the treatise was a figure speech I just don't understand why you would even of course it's horrible but I'm also like why would you tell people I just stopped saying it two days ago because he is a movie star that is a white man well I mean before

he was on that show where he was like telling a black woman like how like Project Greenlight yeah on Project Greenlight telling her how diversity should work like so he he's been dumb as shit he has had some but i want to know what's the original thing he said like what did he say i mean i want to hear the joke matt demon what's the joke oh it's probably just like uh pass me the potato salad faggot i mean you know what i mean it's it's probably just as innocuous as that i hope it was like like I hope it was like T.S. Madison

faggot queen at the drive-thru at the drive-thru yes well he is from Boston so he probably says the R word regularly

you know the F word he you know there's a lot of R wording in Boston oh yeah and it's not like they're in another timeline

in terms of like the political correctness education the witches were just hung yesterday it's not like, they're in another timeline in terms of like the political correctness education. The witches were just hung yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're in a totally another timeline. Where are you from? Baltimore.

Oh God. I mean, yeah, they're pretty bad. Yeah. That's worse, right? New Hampshire. So New Hampshire, where in New Hampshire? Springfield.

It's like a town of a thousand people. Oh wow, is that where they, Nightmare on Elm Street? Less, like way off the beaten path. Okay. You grew up on a people. Oh, wow. Is that where they... Nightmare on Elm Street? Less. Like, way off the beaten path. Okay. You grew up on a farm. Yeah.

My parents have animals. What kind of animals? Pigs, chickens. They stopped having the pigs once the bears got the pigs. Do you have bears or the bears came from outside? They're wild. Oh, wild bears. Yeah, the bears get them.

Where? In their... They had, like, a little outdoor pig pen and it only got one of them and then the other was like Traumatized oh shit. They probably that pig probably saw that pig watch the other pig get skewered Yeah, what now? What were you did you see the remains of the pig things? I? Just think of the whole episode. Oh pigs just getting it Checkers is just get checkers just getting it Watching my yeah, checkers. Checkers is just getting it. Checkers is just getting it. Watching my dog

get murdered, my neighbor. He's just getting it. Anyways, bye. Well, did they really, he really fuck up that pig?

Oh yeah. Yo, she just like carried it off, licking to the woods. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good.

That's preferable. And maybe they're friends now. I don't know. Yeah, that's, remember Charlotte's Web? It happens. Oh no,

I hope it was like no I hope it was like I hope it was like I almost called it We're Here but it's called It Follows I wish We're Here was It Follows the part where she's

standing there and the hair gets like pulled up and she's like lifted up or Nell that pig is brought into the woods

to learn how to be wild you know you guys seen Nell no yeah it's awful you gotta see Nell it's yeah it's really J You gotta see Nell. It's, yeah. It's really, Jodie Foster pretends to be.

A wild, a wild. A girl who lives in the woods, who's like unhumanized from people. Yeah. Because her twin sister and mom are dead. So she's living in the woods alone since like childhood. Yeah. And they find her and she's like, hey, not a chick a pet. It's very strange.

It's like a broken Tennessee accent. Yeah. It's like not closea pay it's very strange it's like a broken tennessee accent that's like not close to english at all fully committed and there's this part where she is in public at a bar and she pulls her tits out do you remember that no i don't yes there's a part where she um she's being hit out at a bar and the guy's like trying to get her to take her shirt off and then she pulls her titties out and it's like spinning it's fierce it's fierce wild it's fierce it's fierce so basically i went from nail to editing oh yeah so you just wait you've been from what to what from nail i was he was no you were no well that works with a non-verbal uh titled um uh web series how long have you been working on it uh since episode 10 drag etiquette oh shit

yeah you're you're really on the ground floor yeah and that was you and chris smith yep yeah damn in the beginning it really was just like uh they're not it was it's probably less editing it was a shorter job it was it we were allowed like way less time like there was way less editing um as long either but i remember they were like three or four minutes yeah yeah but i remember watching the episode before the one i edited because chris just went on vacation one week and pete was like hey can you edit on this week and i remember watching what he was done doing like um and i was like oh i gotta step my game up like i gotta match his energy um and i think that's what it's been like you've talked about this a little bit before but it's always been it's pretty much always been two editors competitive and then yeah like we're trying

to one-up each other yeah we just threatened to kill ourselves all the time yeah i said you did i should just kill myself right it's like no i'm gonna kill myself so one day we might just both be dead we do the same we do the same thing just about showing up though that's like except she's like should i kill myself and i I'm like, yes, that's it. That's the whole conversation. Trigger warning. Trigger warning, yeah. The lettuce, the taste of sadness. Trigger warning, not wanting to go to work and therefore jokingly saying you're gonna kill yourself.

So how long have you been actually, that means you've been working on the show for one, two, three, four, eight years? I've been at WOW for like eight years, I think. And then like the show, oh, it's been like. Since 2016, 2015? Five years. Six. Six? I've been at Wow for like eight years, I think and then like this show has been like since 2016 2015 five years six six

It's a long time a long time no, it's not six years is it yeah, that's three times longer than Seinfeld So it's like one season a year. Yeah, are you ready to have would you guys participate in a friend style reunion on HBO Max in about 30 years yes yeah okay I'll be in an urn but only for

only for friends money yeah that's true this is ignorant did they get paid to do a reunion like that oh of course

Courtney Cox finally got nominated for an Emmy for that for doing the reunion are you serious she's the only friends actor

that didn't get ever get nominated. Oh, so it was a sympathy nod. Yeah, sympathy nomination. That's okay. So what? They're all something. Not there. I mean, get the bag. Get one. None of it. Well, you guys might get one. I'm never going to say never. Never say never. They are so bogus. Like, I mean, it's yes.

It's like the drag pageants where they're like, they say it's her year. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? So it means these people can't win because it's their year? What does that mean? I don't know.

And I want to know what Amy Adams and Glenn Close did. And also when you win over and over for the same thing, it gets a little foolish and crazy.

Yeah, I suppose it does. And then they give you, they have the thing where like, they give you one, the makeup Emmy or the makeup award for like the you do a shitty movie in 2010 but you should have won in 2009 for the great movie so they'll give it to

you for the shitty movie right yeah that was going to be glenn close and hillbilly energy oh yeah and she should have won for that um glenn close but no cigar yeah that was a big time yeah and she showed up in like a 25 pound gold cape. It was, you know. Although if you were nominated for an Emmy, but you know you're not going to win because there's like some juggernaut like Nicole's nominated again for Nailed It. And she's like, I love getting nominated against RuPaul because like I'm not going to win, but I get to go.

Yeah. And then she says it's like a load off her back. Yeah. Because she doesn't have to actually worry about a speech or like but you should have one um because jodie foster didn't think she was going to win at whatever this the golden globes or whatever she won and it was on zoom she was in the in her bedroom with her uh lesbian wife and she was just like oh oh wow oh We what really whoa Wow, oh Geez, what what in the it was just like just say thank you and like let it was so weird That's so weird fake crying about God and so no just don't mention God

But fake cry all you want like we're ugly cry like Halle Berry and monsters ball You know I hate when they're like I hate when I mean, I hate when they're like, I hate when, I mean, whatever, I hate when they say thank God. Mary, God ain't- Thank the PA on set that day before you thank God. Yeah. Mary. Yeah.

Kathy Griffin told Jesus to suck it. I loved it. Really? I loved every second of it. You never saw that? No. Oh my God. When she gets her Emmy, she says,

you know, a lot of people get up here and thank God for that award But I want to say that no one had less to do with this award than God And then she said suck it Jesus. This award is my god now and people were so mad. Really? That's hysterical So mad first. Yeah, I'd like to thank our Lord and Creator the Savior of all of us the one who made this all possible Or could you imagine if you got up there and thanked Allah or something? People would be so mad. But if you thank God, no one cares.

They would. Or yeah, or Ganesh. What about like a strange Hindi deity? Zool. Zool! Yeah, yeah. The best one is, you ever see the best supporting actress

for Nurse Jackie? I forget what her name is. Mary Weaver. Mary Weaver. Did you see her? She literally went up and she just went, thank you so much. I gotta go.

And then just walked away. Yeah, that was great. And Elaine's stretches was great. Was she panicked? I think she's probably just nervous and just like surprised. Yeah, I think she's like, I don't want to do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is, I would get good and loaded and I would... And another thing. The problem is, it would be that I get good and loaded and then accidentally win and out then add another thing it would be that I get

good and loaded and then accidentally win and then I'm you know and we know that classically when celebrities are off the rails giving a speech people no one ever gets worried about them would you guys if you lost would you make do that like polite clap or like I would storm I was at the streamies grab the purse and hit the door I said Ron get my purse and he's like you don't have one I said get the purse get someone's purse that was crazy I forgot that was so

crazy I'm so glad I didn't go to that yeah it would have been fun no it was fun to go it was fun it was fun to go you're talking about the B-tier year right like when we didn't even make it to the yeah to the real event yes it was when we were we were you were at the the daytime emmys yeah the streamy 100 oh my god the food situation was oh so i love the streamies we win them now please don't kill us the food situation was

a food truck yeah it was an in and out food truck which was delicious It was an In-N-Out food truck. Which was delicious. That's fantastic. Oh, okay. I would live. How was the line, though? It was fine. It was at a college, which was a little odd. Nope.

Don't like that. Was that UCLA? UCLA? College campus. Like community college. Oh, see, I'm into that. That's when I saw JoJo Siwa and found out she was 6'5".

That's where it all started. Yes. Did you meet, like, was everybody there? The glitter, no, because this was the. No, there was a lot of producer creative. I mean, Logan Paul was there, right?

Where's Jake Paul? One of the Pauls was there. The one that saw the Japanese man in the suicide forest? I think so. And he was there with his whole entourage dressed to the nines for a podcast. Like, oh, like mafia dress, like black tie, black shirt, black suit. No, like the straight content creators have like a posse, like full time. Yeah. I can see that though.

There's mega rich. I can barely get Brandon to give us a ride here. I know. I know. But think about like straight men who like strike your wrist. You know, they're going to wild out. Yeah. But it was fun.

But then it was just, there was musical acts, which was a weird way to meet her at the night. At the streamies? Everyone, like it was a little rough but everyone was like very encouraging but it was like one of those situations where everyone kind of looked at each other and was like, we got it. It's placating. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would have been like, boo, you suck. No, I wouldn't have done that. Well, and also like YouTube people are, let's just say in person, sometimes a lot different than they are on the YouTube. Some people are really so good on camera and then in person they're scared. Yeah. And so they had these like recurring jokes

through the nights, like, this is the biggest night of the year because we're content creators, so none of us go anywhere or have any lives. And it is funny, but it was like, I believe you. That's 100% true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some of them, though, are very like charismatic, but the most part, they're like, yeah. They're wacky in real life. Yeah, they're wacky Jackie. We also never know who they are so then when they come up to us we're like who was that no idea and they but they some of them do act like they are julia fucking roberts yeah they they surly do you know anyways but it was fun did y'all get a screen the streamy not yet no we got a follow-up on that oh no no no no no, no. It should be coming in the mail. Oh, really? We bought them for you. Oh, yes.

Yes. You have not still had a mail. Now I'm nervous. We bought one for each of you and Pete. Oh, thank you. Yeah. And that was many moons ago. That was like when we got it.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a long time ago. To be fair, though, ours took a good few months to come in the mail. I never got one. You didn't? Nope. Are you serious?

All I have on my trophy mantle is a queer tee that is not engraved. It's just an orange asterisk. It could belong to anybody. Yes. Mine came and says Trixie Mattel and everything.

Well, great for you. But how did I get one and not you? Probably because I am so vocal about not giving a shit about the streamers and plus I don't want to pay for it. They said we're going to

teach you a lesson today. Well, teach me the lesson, mama. I'm not coming. And plus, I don't want to pay for it. They said, we're going to teach you a lesson today. Well, teach me the lesson, mama. I'm not coming back next time. But don't take it out on us. I know. I know. But some of us would not like to be taught a lesson. And we'd like the award, please.

Like, crazy. I mean, was yours engraved? Yes. With the correct spelling of your name? It's a silver statue. It's a woman like this. I mean, yes. Are you joking, joking?

I'm not joking it's fierce it's like one of my most prized prizes i love it more than my drag race crown wow i love how invested you were in the streamies like how upset you were when we lost and how excited you were when we won like i love it i was she goes do you i thought we they they hid it from us the whole thing we knew we had a beat sheet of the entire day and then they said britney broski's was she goes, do you? I thought we, they hid it from us. The whole thing, we knew, we had a beat sheet of the entire day and then they said,

Brittany Broski's gonna be on the bus for touch ups and we were like, okay. Oh yeah. And then she whipped out that award. It was, I couldn't believe they kept it from us all day. And then they cut the cameras. How many more times did I ask, is this a joke? Yes.

Is this real? Is this real? It was Wendy Williams. What wig am I gonna wear? How am I gonna act? Am I gonna cry? Also it was at the end of the day and it was a little,

it was a little, little, little, little, little, long day. I love the streamies, but I called her and said, she called me and said, do you wanna do this streamies thing? Cause if you do, I have to start emotionally preparing myself for that. Just cause it was like 16 hour day. But I didn't know that, 16 hours on a bus.

On a moving bus. Tell them what time we had to be on camera in drag. I think it was 8 a.m. Uh huh. Yeah, so that means getting in drag at home. 5.30. Packing the bag, camera ready, and then leaving the house. Uh huh, crazy.

Yeah. The things we have to go through for the stream is, although they paid us, so. They paid us, and I wanted that award. I wanted it. Yeah, I feel like looking back, it's like it's only fair that they gave it to us. But it was our hillbilly

energy moment. They made you work for it though. Yeah. They did. We'll give you this award but you need to put in 16 grueling hours on a moving vehicle like aka, you know, Keanu Reeves. Charles gets hers delivered to her doorstep. Meanwhile. They're like shooting you at your feet. Dance. Dance. I wish they'd been holding it in front of you on a fishing line. How much you guys have been on the bus? gets hers delivered to her doorstep. Meanwhile... They're like shooting you at your feet. Dance, Jackreys, dance.

I wish they'd been holding it in front of you on a fishing line. Yeah, seriously. How much of this had been on the bus? Cameras mounted all over the walls and we're trying to... There's literally a teleprompter and we're like, and the next...

We're in traffic. And the next... Some of those times where we're talking, you could see us physically jolt. Yeah, it was a lot. I mean, they might as well just like shoot us out of a cannon into like a

pool full of piranhas next time oh so then when it aired we had a group group viewing on zoom remember oh yeah

I think I tuned in for about two seconds you were there right yeah I was there or no she wasn't there for the win was she no

you popped in a lot but I saw were you guys gagged were you happy were you genuinely gagged? Were you happy? Were you genuinely happy? Can I tell the truth? Absolutely. You gave, you told me.

Oh, that's right. Oh, no. And then I, I think because you, what was it? Pete said, don't say, or no, you said. I said, we can't tell Ron. And she basically has a bargaining chip. If we can't tell Ron, can I tell Jeff? That's the only way I won't tell Ron.

I can't keep a secret. I gotta, I can't keep it secret I wanted a pure reaction did Jeff tell you that I told him to pretend like he didn't know so he started crying and puking I was making I was calling Jeff beforehand like practicing my shocked face oh wow and they were all better

than the face I made during the zoom meeting with you guys I was like, oh wow He wouldn't shut up Talking about being like I just think maybe do you think we'll really win? Oh He was like do you think oh you were really really in like oh I wanted to win because I want to win, but I also wanted to win for you guys. I was like, everybody here deserves to win.

That's sweet. It is all we have. It is all. I mean, it was. Was that a cry for help, Ronald? Was that a cry for help? No, it was. It was funny because we get credit for that show all the time. a cry for help? No, it's just funny.

Because we get credit for that show all the time. And you guys never get credit for it. I know. Pretty much every opportunity we have doing press or whatever, I mean, I always kind of belabor the point that it is really through no talent of my own. I mean, I show up in a wig, and then you guys do all the heavy lifting. But we were very lucky,

because you probably couldn't name any other show, YouTube where they're like who are the editors of it yeah where at least you guys are nice enough to mention our names and say who we are you guys are so nice to give us credit and i mean look we we can do the editing on stuff that isn't funny in the first place and then it feels forced and it feels like you're kind of like pulling people like if people notice yeah like you did dateline but in your editing style it probably wouldn't have the same yeah or like um remember to catch a predator entrapment is that still allowed no i think they know because the one guy committed suicide and then they stopped doing it oh i think they should stop predators.

But also, I was always like, what happens to these people? They should just focus that energy on catching people who are trying to swap genders to go back to the high school to right or wrong. What? You mean like never been kissed? Yeah. But if they dressed up like a girl? So it's kind of like one of the boys meets never been kissed. No, yeah.

Like go undercover to find out who else is undercover because apparently everybody's doing it in high school. I don't know. Strangers with Candy. I've never seen that. You've never seen Strangers with Candy? We talked about this when you were on the pod. I was already ridiculed.

I was dragged through the mud. Well, let's do it again. Yeah. What are your favorite? What's your favorite TV show? let's do it again yeah what are your favorite what's your favorite tv show what's your favorite movie what's your favorite color oh the green mile okay so are we coming clean on everything right now okay yes look you're a liar the green mile is a phenomenal film yeah it was one of many movies on my list of movies i enjoyed okay cupid uh favorite tv show

probably fleabag okay i love fleabag great uh favorite color orange orange yeah favorite movie probably lord of the rings which all of them? Return of the King. Okay. Have you seen Old yet? No. Have you? Oh, sure fucking did. Did you live? I li- It is probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. But in a fun way? I was not bored. Okay. It is fucking ridiculous.

It is? It is outrageous. I thought it hadn't come out yet. No, it did. I think it came out like last week. They get old. Mary, this family goes

on a beach, but that's on. This family goes on vacation to a resort, right? And you meet these cast of characters. Everybody is like completely just

their profession, by the way. It's like the doctor only speaks in medical jargon. The psychologist is trying to get everybody to process and it's so they go to this

private island come to find out every minute on the island is like a year so they just start aging and dying at the end of the movie they're all dead and old

hilarity ensues there's this skinny stuck up bitch who has like at the beginning of the movie she's like I have a calcium deficiency.

I've got a calcium deficiency. Uh oh. Does this drink have calcium in it? And I'm like, okay, we get it. She's gonna die of a bone thing. And she goes, and then her bone, like she, Mary, it's pure camp. You'll love it.

Osteoporosis? She like, hump. She develops a hump like in 20 minutes. And her like, she gets old, hump. And then she's like freaking out and she breaks an arm. And then it heals right where it is because her bone, Mary, it's like, but she's narrating the whole time. Everybody's narrating what's going on because it's like, oh, it seems to be that the rocks and the gravity and the thing are aging us about approximately i'm like what it's crazy whoa it is insane it's insane hump she gets a hump hump

one time i was talking to ben a la creme and she was talking about um she was talking about her number she's like i do like a quasimodo number to my humps i was like so you think people with different bodies are funny you know ben know, Ben's super PC, and we were on camera, and her eyes just went like, and I was like, I'm just, it's fine. She's always so afraid of getting in trouble. You should see it though. You would love it.

Oh, of course, I'm gonna watch it. It's kind of like, it's not as great as Ma, but it's in that vein. Oh. Yeah. Somebody said it was this generation's Ma, which Ma was like Three years ago We're all aging quickly

Especially on a beach Yeah Yeah it's good Wow So any luck On the dating apps Are you seeing somebody Do you have a girlfriend

No I'm single at the moment Okay Yeah But I don't know Yeah I mean I know plenty of girls Who

What's your type Do you have a type? yes okay Jeff Jeff can tell you my type I'm too embarrassed what is his type? he likes a girl

with like a fun color hair like a magenta or something and a girl like a bad girl like bad girl like kind of like a rockabilly

bad girl with tattoos and like dyed hair oh I like that for you. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

Maybe a piercing. Maybe like magenta hair, blunt bangs and a couple tattoos, like a winged liner, like a Kat Von D. Yeah, criminal record. Kat Von D I think is pretty. I had someone who like fit that description slide into my, we matched on Bumble and she messaged me

and she was like I'd eat you alive but I just wanted to let you know that I love your work and that was the end of the conversation I'd eat you alive why didn't she do it what's the follow up there I know I did you alive but I can't

don't threaten me with a good time yeah what does that mean also I'll eat you alive like my pussy will like pulverize your? Shred you up? Maybe it was literal and she just didn't want to She wants it on to continue? She didn't want to kill you. We're going to find out more about what kind of girls like spread after a short break.

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Ambition is on the inside. So that road trip bucket list? Get after it. Drive your ambition. Mitsubishi Motors. And we're back. Oh, we're back. So I have a girl for you.

I'll show you a picture later. I don't want to put her on blast right on the air. Okay. Your mom. Yeah, my mom's sister. My aunt. Yeah, she's 10 years older than my mom. I love her.

Her name's Chloeloe seven yee um let's see what um okay i have a question yes what kind of men do you like because you have you have a man are you guys open is that too personal but what kind of man is in like the porn you search for i go through i go through phases of what I like but the last two boyfriends I've had have been Asian so but I usually like shorter and smoother and you know not white mmm yeah I like that profile though yeah white guys just don't do anything for me really really. Really? Not really. I think when I was in Baltimore, it's like there's just no diversity.

It's the most segregated city in the world. So it was just hard to like even the gay bars were like separated. There was like black gay bars and there was white gay bars. It was crazy. Good old Baltimore. So it was just hard to like meet other people that didn't just look like pasty white people. Ugh. You're from an island that's the opposite of old. They don't age.

Yeah, you're, you get, how, you're like, I actually got a bunch after the last, the last podcast was when I got a lot of sexual propositions on Instagram. Yeah, people, I saw, I looked at the comments, we're like, fuck, are you fuckable? Jeff, let's fuck those other whores. I wanna fuck Jeff. I'd suck that box. Yeah, yeah. comments be like fuck are you fuckable jeff let's fuck those other whores i want to fuck jeff that

box i would kill trixie just to be able to lick his glands yeah oh like just some people just straight up just full-on dick pigs whole pigs like just like that i mean not for not the first thing anything else second thing. Because they could be anybody's. I need to see. I mean, I'm attracted to a face first. If you're not providing a face picture on the internet, I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing.

Trickery, deceivery. If I want to just look at bodies, I would cut up a cadaver. Yeah. Google. Yeah. Just penis. Penis only. And if you're not supplying conversation in a face and like

making this somehow more engaging than pornography then what are we doing yeah you know what I'm gonna do next glory hole I go to I'm gonna go with a squirtable dildo

and I'm gonna put the dildo through and then just squirt salad dressing at them ketchup what about people who say catsup I hate that. Catsup?

I don't think they say it. I think they spell it that way and then they say it differently. Wait a minute. So catsup, do people say catsup? Catsup is the correct spelling for that. It's the correct spelling of ketchup? No, no, no, no. You can spell it C-A-T-S-U-P.

But people don't say ketchup? Yeah, no. They say ketchup. Jail. Did you think? Jail. Jail. Federal prison. I'm from Baltimore,. They say catch up. Jail. Did you think? Jail. Jail. Federal prison.

I'm from Baltimore, so we say everything weird. Yeah, do you say you got to go home? Home. I'm going to go home, drink some water, and I'm going to wash the car, fill my car with oil. That's the one I hate the most. Oil.

Oil. Oil. Oil. My home had an oil leak. I got to go wash all the gnomes in my yard. Oh my God. Horrible. Horrible.

What is that? It's not sexy. No. Although the Wisco one ain't that great either. Oh, Wisconsin? No, it's not good. But it has more pep. Yeah, it makes everyone sound really dumb, but really nice.

Yeah. Which, yeah, it's hard to make sexy usa is a-okay yeah catch us in your mouth i'll give you a prize that sounds that's fun that's fun that dropped in gorgeous yeah yeah oh you're cute oh you're cute oh you're cute what about the boston accent um ignorant i mean it's just homophobic racist um catholic catholic yeah just like pretty much it hits all the all the negative like um buzzwords like uh molested but can't talk about it don't like black folks don't like uh f slurs probably gonna beat my girlfriend or wife it's like not the best thing ever but i love the celtics and the patriots yeah likes dunkin donuts yeah american runs on duncan i always think of on that ferry to provincetown they had the dunkin donuts right next to the ferry i think of all the donuts i could eat in there i with dunkin donuts with a large iced coffee

with cream and sugar i with their donuts a lot fresh yeah fresh but like base level good it's just like a grocery store donut and that's what I like about it. It's better than a grocery store donut. Yeah, fresh out the oven, chocolate frosting. It is like the dictionary definition of a donut. It's not any better. It's not any worse. It's like a Simpsons donut.

It's not as sweet as Krispy Kreme. You ever had Krispy Kreme fresh out the oven in Las Vegas airport? Yeah. Yeah. It's so much sugar. It's a lot. It's a lot of sugar. And it disintegrates in your mouth. Yeah, It's so much sugar. It's a lot. It's a lot of sugar.

And it disintegrates in your mouth. Yeah, it literally... Yeah, it's crazy. And what is the nutritional value there? Ah, diabetes. It actually kills you. Yeah, just diabetes. It's like bacon where it actually hurts you to eat it.

No, bacon is fine. Isn't bacon... Don't they always say that actively takes minutes off your life when you eat bacon? I'm sure I have some right here. Well, eat some and let us know how you feel. No, this is turkey bacon, but bacon is good. It's not worse than a donut. It's all in moderation,

I guess. Yeah, but I mean, come on. Paula Deen once made a Krispy Kreme breakfast sandwich with like egg and cheese and bacon with instead of bread, it was a Krispy Kreme donut. Yeah, then she fried it in lard and then add some M&Ms. Oh, my God.

Did you guys miss going to the office? Because you guys used to edit at the office, right? At World of Wonder. Do you guys have water cooler talk there? Yeah. But we still get that because we just FaceTime each other randomly. I will say I recently moved. And two or three months before that, I did feel like I was going insane.

Because I was just living and working out of a single bedroom oh my god and i love my i love my roommates and they like it was the best possible roommate situation you could hope for but i still just like kind of stayed in my room all the time it's too much and uh finally once i moved it was like a breath of fresh air and i can i can like focus again and my cat has room to roam um what's your cat named shelly hobbs hobbs oh like calvin and hobbs yeah oh oh yep welsh what'd you say orange oh orange cat like like hobbs how old is the cat uh like eight so he's an older cat he she i just adopted him okay so he's got plenty of time is that we'll see i the the they say like nine to twelve years but but they live a lot longer than that and like more torn serbia i mean yeah yeah yeah forever like 16 years and shit yeah that andrew's

got that chihuahua that's like pushing uh 16 it's got a drain in the back of its neck it's still crazy andrew we saw andrew's chihu twilight today was attacked by a raccoon, horribly mauled by a raccoon. Yeah. Drain in the neck. What was the cat? What's the dog doing outside? Um,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, The raccoon was trying to get in their house and was completely unfazed by Andrew, who was like charging it. And yeah, fat, wild,

rabid raccoon and a family. Uh huh. In the heart of West Hollywood, Vaseline All yeah. Fat, wild, rabid raccoon and a family. Uh-huh. In the heart of West Hollywood, Vaseline Alley. Honestly, he got off early. He got off easy. He got off early. He can't. You know what he did?

He nutted all of that raccoon. He got off easy. He lives, I don't want to say what street, but that street he lives on is where also people just walk in your house. Oh, Mary. Naked tweaking. Every time he walks from his, i didn't walk down that street but um uh he walks uh to the studio which is a couple blocks up and he always gets propositioned it could be that he is always

nearly nude glistening with sweat long uhess Luanne hair half hard half hard huge butt yeah giant pecs and all that but yeah but people like they will drive by and they'll be like

hey you're not allowed to they have the signs in West Hollywood it says no cruising in those side neighborhoods what? you've never been that?

like if you go south of Santa Monica like right south of Santa Monica all those residential areas they have signs that says no cruising how do you force that

I well the car thing is too no it's just saying hi wait a minute cruising like driving yeah I don't like that I mean cruising

if you're walking they need cruise control yeah I think it's like cruising and like stopping and like I think maybe there was just like a lot of like

male prostitutes or something well yeah because I think they convince him for being one all the time and they

they'll like follow him they'll follow him around the block. They'll pass him, then do a Yui, come back. It's too much. That's what the chasers used to do outside the gay clubs. And I loved it. They'd drive around the gay club and roll the window down this much and drive slow. Come here.

Like the Daytona 500. I'm going to approach your tinted window car with one on this much where i don't know if there's a gun or how many people are in the car no i would and i did and there was never a gun and there was usually just one person except there was a dog once but you know what about we talked about this what about when you get the ride thinking if you give the hand job or whatever you get it for free and then they give they go it's only 15 bucks yeah I fucking blew a cat

I didn't blow him I you know I gave him a gestural you know you gave him the Jennifer Lopez experience like South Park I gave him the

ex-girlfriend experience and I was like you know I was like oh man I'll jerk him off because he was sniffing sniffing hard and he still charged me for the ride

and my fucking I paid for it just because he was horny he still has to make a living that's a really good point when you put it that way yes it is but however

or maybe do my services are they worth nothing I was trying to make a living too maybe it wasn't good am I 70 David oh my god you're trying to tell me that my calloused, bony witch claw

might not have brought him to orgasm? And knowing you, working with you, I bet there was no makeup on the hands. Of course there wasn't. There was red knuckles. Red knuckles. No, we got purple knuckles, gray white hands, and then hair.

Lots of hair. Yeah, hairy knuckles. Hair and cheap rings. He probably got a rash. Yeah, he's like, I mean, whatever. It is what it is. So many humiliations and drag.

Have you guys ever bought a hooker? I've had, like, a sexy massage. Oh, yeah. Do you like that? Yeah. I like it because

you just have to lay there. Do you get the real massage, too? Yeah. Oh, okay. Is it usually, like, a pretty legitimate therapeutic massage before the yanking and cranking? Yeah. I would think, like, they'd it usually like a pretty legitimate therapeutic massage before the yanking yeah i would think like they'd have to give a pretty convincing like

where they'd be like put on the spa music and put out some crystals but then have no training they'd be like yeah yeah well there but that's like when i worked in the pornography i'm my favorite uh scenario to do is the the scene. Really? Really? Why? Because it's all about the corruption of power, is what I was trying to get at. But in it, you always had to either have the perverted client and the legit masseuse, or the legit client and the perverted masseuse.

I like the former. I like it when the client is... Is wholesome? No, I like the pervert. I always when the client is... Is wholesome? No, no, I like... The pervert? The pervert. I always like, because the power dynamic has shifted.

It's like, you know, you're vulnerable naked in the chair with the professional. I want the client to turn the masseuse. Yeah, they turn over and then they're erect. I want the man to be like, but no, my wife.

And her to be like, she'll never know. You know what I mean? Can I tell you a really bad line that I literally had someone say? Yes. Because the one he just kept, he started the massage and then his wiener like rubs right up against the person's head. Of course.

But then he goes to the back and then he pulls it out and it's like between his butt crack. And then he's like, wait, what is that? And he goes, it's a massaging tool. And then it goes in and then he's like, wait. It's a tuning fork. And then he goes, wait, but why are both of your hands on my shoulders if you're using a massaging tool? It's a Johnsonville brought.

Wait a minute, something doesn't add up here. He's got one hand and two hands. Whoa. I like doing scenes where people, the first scene I ever had to write was someone came into the wrong apartment. It was like the floor below, just drunk, crashes in the bed. The person who's really there wakes up, hot naked guy. He's like, I'm going to call the police. And the guy turns over and he's like, but wait, I have a boner.

And in the scene, I actually have him. He has his hand on the cell phone with nine and one dialed. And then in his other hand is the guy's wiener and he's like sophie's choice that's what he chose that's what got me hired what was who is that do you remember who that was with johnny hazard and that's a while ago um yes i love you know oh mary i know my porn and uh i can't remember who the other person was i have a question have you guys ever pitched things at wow or anywhere else that you wanted to do that didn't go that you were like that was so cool you know because oh we'll die someday what do you want to do next well they are doing something like maybe we've pitched things

and maybe they did go and maybe you are getting fired tomorrow. I will say I love the job, of course, but when we signed in for 90 episodes. It's a lot. Mary, magical thinking. Magical thinking. It felt like- Science fiction?

It felt like in Broke Down Palace when the one girl decides to stay in the prison so the other can leave, but neither of us left. We're both in the prison. I'm Claire Danes and Claire Danes. You decide to stay in the prison and I just go, get out. I mean, we love our job and we do want to keep doing it, but it is one of those things where we want to be able

to do and do other new things. So it's always a balance of like trying to figure out. How many have we done this season I really have no idea I don't I think you filming wise I think you've almost

filmed everything we're almost done with this season right we're almost to 30 what is a season 30 episodes it's 30 episodes three cycles of 10

that's always the case oh because now I think it's 10 they take a break 10 so it goes all year sort of

got it got it got it so I think we're almost done with this season. Yeah, because we did Halloween. I mean, if we started six years ago, that's crazy. That's so 60 years ago. Also, the number of episodes is crazy.

When the number, how many, what are you guys on, 150, 160? It's like 160s now. Yeah. That's crazy. When you think of 160 drag looks, that's crazy. Well, for me, maybe 90. It's also crazy from a perspective of like oh what episode was that in and then we have to go well yeah because nowadays with all the times that we repeat stories ad nauseum i mean sometimes we'll just repeat a story three four times and no one stops us and because no one don't know it we

don't know the thing that i love though is it's and you hit the same beats and the same jokes. Well, that's a good sign. Maybe a good or bad news. Good is you're on the right track comedic wise, but you also have dementia. Also, it's clear that we not only repeat stories, we don't listen to each other. Have I ever told you this? No. Both of you are just, it's the first time you ever heard it.

Goldfish brain. Goldfish brain. Screen wipe. I think that's an asset. Yeah, it is. And sometimes, like, because everybody knows we don't really hang out in real life. We only talk here and on camera. So sometimes we'll, you know, I don't know.

Maybe we should stick to more topical things. We're always telling stories from like a decade ago. We're never telling stories from like this year Because nothing happened to me this year I got an electric bike, that's it There's nothing else to talk about Mayor of Easttown You could ride it for months

I could talk about the Mayor of Easttown for three episodes I do like when we can make jokes about the fact that you've told the jokes before Yeah, well, yeah You seem to have a lot of fun with that, Ronald Last night I laid in bed and thought about watching The Handmaid's Tale That's the closest I've come to watching television in a while oh my god

you don't count Real Housewives of Television oh that's homework I don't yeah I don't know I sometimes put it on but is that really television like a real series

like that oh you mean like a scripted yeah okay I don't really watch anything like that what's the last amazing scripted series you watched

um if you well it's uh Why Women Kill. Is that good? It's campy as hell. It's so campy.

A lot of male nudity in that? There's like a lot of male eye condi. There's a lot of male eye condi. But no, nothing.

There's maybe a butt shot or something. We should do an episode that's not really on a topic but that's just Msummer related um where we the movie midsummer yeah just set yourselves on fire no no no where we um i jump from the thing oh break one leg and you come with the mallet yes yeah i honestly like we watched it yesterday i have no issue living in a society where at an age you jump. I have no issue. Let's wrap it up with dignity and some, you know what I mean?

Well, maybe not dignity. 72 is fine. Yeah. It's incredible. Who's that? I mean, I guess like Betty White is doing shit at 90, but like who's hitting their stride at 85? There's only three people really getting it. Betty White, we haven't seen her in a while. Yeah.

She could be dead right now. people really getting it. We haven't seen her in a while. Yeah, she could be dead right now. My friend was on Hot in Cleveland a couple years ago

and he said that there was like, he's like, there was just a group of handlers like making sure she stayed alive. Just like,

how are you Betty? Do you need, here's your medication. Here's your like, just like. Oxygen. Oh my God. Ventilator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather just, I want to do that thing. I want to cut the hands, you know, slide my things on the rune slab and then just. Plus, what I didn't like about that movie is you're going to go jump off a cliff, right? You're all having these dignified, tiny little shot glasses of booze.

I'm like, if we're jumping, Mary, beer bong, like, let's do this. I'm not doing a thimble of juniper. No, I want like. You jump with the beer. Butt chug. Butt chug. I think they were turnt. Turnt in some way.

To jump? I think they were turnt. Yeah, everybody gets turnt before a ritual in that movie. They drink a little... Like acid, whatever that acid stuff. Yeah.

They're butt chugging. Yeah, they're butt chugging a mescaline. Yeah. Oh, let're butt chugging a mescaline. Yeah. Oh, let's take another break. Yeah, let's take a break. So money is a thing, but it's not everything. I think you really look at the importance of what are you doing with your time?

The conversations that we've had with our financial advisor is very much building what that framework looks like that helps support those important things. The places where you're investing your time and your resources, your family clearly, and those closest to you. Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different.

Ooh, are these wine glasses crystal? I didn't know HomeSense had such nice glassware. Hon, wouldn't these be perfect for guests? Did you say crystal? Who do you think is coming over? Well, they're only $20. $20?

For a whole set. Forget the guests. Our anniversary is coming up. We can use these. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey.

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Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself i love that movie it's it got me together astic it's one of my all-time both of his movies are so hereditary are we back yeah we're back wait wait did you see the one where the his his short film no no oh mary dugan okay the music video for 9-1-1? No. Ari Aster, he, in college perhaps, or film school, he directed a short film where it's this middle-class black family, and the secret is the son rapes the father. What?

So it starts at the wedding. The son gets married. And you see the father is forced to blow it's yeah it's a blow job so basically he goes through his whole life raping the dad oh so it's like an ongoing thing oh yeah so it and then i think it starts at the wedding uh reception the the son's getting married to a woman and um but they have this little secret and the the son continuously ancestrally rapes the dad. And the dad is like trying to like tell people about it. I think he's writing like a screenplay or something.

The child, the kid finds it. And then I think everybody dies at the end. I've never heard of this. No, it's not very well known. I watched it and I was like holy fucking shit how do you get from that to everybody dies how did they

okay so spoilers but like the there's a he runs outside and gets hit by a car I think the mom

I think the mom finds out and I think maybe he kills the mom too the son that was originally the pilot for Murphy Brown.

Yeah. It was verbatim. For Party of Five. Yeah. It was Cheers. Yes. It was called Queers. I mean, it was, it's wild.

It's wild. Also, I don't understand the logistics of, I mean, we don't have to get into like the logistics of rape, I suppose, but blowing a man that does not want to be blown? How does that work? Oh. Just suck it on a noodle?

Sorry, is it too much? I don't know. I don't know. I've luckily haven't been in that situation in a long time. But anyways, that movie was wild, or the short film was wild. You should watch it. I don't think I know. You should watch it. I don't think I know. So who likes it?

No. What's your favorite restaurant? Oh, God. These are the fun stories that don't make it into the panel. Yeah, I know. Ronald, we have to focus on you for the majority of this episode. Okay. This side of the room is done. Yeah, yeah, this is done we have to focus on you for the majority of this episode. Okay.

This side of the room is done. Yeah, yeah. We've had enough. We're talking about porn. We're talking about... I'm afraid I don't have many stories from my time in porn. It's okay. I have a questionnaire for you.

Is that okay? Yeah. What's a sound that you love? Oh, fuck. Not that. Not that one. Okay, actually, I got this button, this plastic button of you guys saying, uh,

and they prototyped it for DragCon, and the speaker is so bad that it just sounds like garbled digital droning. And whenever I need to cheer myself up, I press the button and just, like, relish the fact that it was too bad to be sold. And it's just like, uh. It just sounds like you guys are, like, being murdered.

Like a snuff film of you two being murdered. Yeah, because it's like one of the- I'm open to that. Yeah. I wish I brought it with me. What's the sound that you hate? Chairs scratching on the floor. Yeah.

Especially because it has moved into a new apartment with new floors. You know what I hate? People who, teeth on the fork, put the fork in the mouth, bite the fork, pull it out. Yeah.

Yeah. What are you doing? Do you bite ice cream? Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Of course. Oh. You can't just lick it the whole time. No, I mostly just lick it.

You mostly a licker? I like an ice cream cone more than like an old... Oh no, mama. When I get that cone, I bite the shit out of it. I bite the hell out of it. Doesn't it licker? I like an ice cream cone more than like an Oh no mama. When I get that cone I bite the shit out of it. Doesn't it hurt your teeth? No. My teeth are too sensitive.

I get it on a spoon and I bite it. No I bite it. Last night I got a little turnt and I ordered two pints of Ben and Jerry's to my house and I ate half of each. It's about a thousand calories. No, I'll house a pint like that.

The ice cream you made, the peanut butter ice cream, is like some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Oh my God. My ice cream career was short lived and there was some highs and some lows. I gave you an incredible batch and I gave her a bad batch. Oh my God, it was like a bag of nasty strawberry yogurt. I tried to make a custard that had too much egg in it.

It was just like eggy. It was weird. I was still looking forward to it. I'm a big ice cream lover. I said, Mary, this is rotten. But I made him chocolate peanut butter ice cream and that was lit. What's the calorie percentage compared to Ben & Jerry's on that? Any idea?

Yeah. Well, Ben & Jerry's is similar to homemade ice cream in that it's a high milk fat content. Because did you know that if something has less than 10% milk fat, it's not legally called ice cream? So when you go to the grocery store and you buy a giant thing of ice cream, it'll be called frozen dairy treat and stuff like that. Frozen dairy treat. Isn't that crazy? Also, when you make ice cream,

a lot of it is whipping air into it to create bubbles in the fat globules. So a lot of times the giant gallon bucket of ice cream is the same weight as the tiny fancy ice cream it just is filled with air isn't that interesting that's like how subway can't call their bread bread anymore what there's like not enough actual bread in it what they legally can't call it news paper clippings like what is it i don't know because there's like so much sugar and like preservatives and stuff in it it's like not really bread there's been all the controversy about this subway tuna right where it's like uh well come on i mean it's just like a fish like paste i mean if you're going to subway

getting the tuna yeah you got it isn't it like imitation crab where it's like fake crab that's just flavored with like a teeny percent of real crab i that's why we don't need deep seafood no i do not with seafood especially i mean i'm vegetarian but also i do not with seafood right work in p-town and people are there you crack it into a lobster are you kidding me yeah why don't you just go in like in an alley in manhattan get a large rat and then just like saute that you have to crack the exo to suck out the white. Do you eat lobster?

It's a lot of work, but I like lobster. Clams, high-chill crabs. Baltimore, we do crabs. Crabs. I one time saw somebody had a plastic bib on

with a lobster that said, let's get cracking. You do mussels? Yeah, mussels. You fuck with all of it, don't you? Yeah,

there is some like fishy fish I don't love. Such as? Calapia, mussels. You fuck with all of it, don't you? Yeah. There is some like fishy fish I don't love. Such as? Tilapia, I think. Hysterical that Gia named herself after literally the cheapest, smelliest fish. Is it? Yes. Cheap. Like fresh tilapia.

It's like, like maybe caviar is a better reference. You know, like tilapia is like, I'm like, like a hot dog. Literally. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like cheap, shitty fish. Wow. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. Mussels, clams, crabs, octopus. Y'all got cars? Yeah.

What do you drive? Damn. I drive, like, a 2015 Honda Fit. Is that the square one? It's a hatchback. What does that mean? It means it doesn't have drive like a 2015 Honda Fit. Is that the square one? It's a hatchback. What does that mean? It means it doesn't have like a regular trunk.

It like, it's kind of boxy and the back lifts up so you can slide a bunch of stuff from Ikea. The back is a hatch. Oh, okay. Yeah. Not a hunchback. The hatchback of no drive-in. Yeah.

I have a 2010 Honda Civic. Replaced my last one. I crashed on the 101. Oh, my God. Flipped. Flipped! Multiple times. Were you okay?

Tokyo Drift? Somehow, yeah. That's why I only will get a Honda. He died? Yeah, it's true. Ron said he died. This is all sawdust. He died on the table.

No, a guy tried to get off an exit early, and I literally turned and just see a car coming straight towards me on the 101 and i went and turned to get out of the way and just missed it but i had to turn so hard it flipped my car and i just was rolling and i thought i was rolling into the traffic but i was just rolling on the shoulder and if i rolled into the traffic i would have died but luckily i didn't could have died And it was one thing where I was just upside down. Like on a roller coaster? Yeah, and all the glass had shattered.

And so then I was just hanging there, but I was like, oh, I'm okay. And then I like upside down, like put it in neutral and got my keys out. And then I like crawled out, and then all these people were like, he's alive. And I'm like, I'm okay, I'm okay. And this person's like,

you have blood pouring down your face. Oh my God. I was like, oh. Jesus Christ. alive and i'm like i'm okay i'm okay and this person's like you have blood pouring down your face oh my god jesus christ i love you stepping out of that rubble like hey no arms yeah i'm a bad bitch y'all can't kill me but then the uh i what about the guy who the did he get away scott free yeah they tried to no one got his uh license plate. But I was kind of gay-bashed by the paramedic and the police and the firemen. Excuse me, what now? What, were you going to some kind of cock-sucking conference?

Well, kind of, because they found in my bag, they were just looking to see if I was on drugs, and they found a flyer for this old gay bar that closed down in Silver Lake called MJ's with a hot, naked guy, and they found a flyer for this old gay bar that closed down in server lake called mj's with like a hot naked guy and they're all like oh you must you must be on meth and heroin and crack you like huh oh look and they were passing it around and laughing at me while i was like in a gurney excuse me what this is fucking crazy that is i mean you didn't hit the person if you

were like the the the perpetrator in a vehicular manslaughter or something I can see maybe razzing the razzing the perp in the ambulance ride the problem is I would be the

like if I got like in a traffic stop and I wasn't drinking or anything it was like oh you're on a fender bender where were you coming from

I was like oh I was coming from a hot dog sundaes with Mario Diaz at LC the night's called big fat dick if you need proof

that I was there I have videos of someone blowing me. But it was, the funny thing is after I went to the hospital and then they're like, oh, you're fine. But they gave me like some pain medication. I was so high taking like the Uber back. And in the Uber, they were like, traffic's a mess from an accident on the 101. And I just went, that's me. It was me. I was like, what? Like your fit. Like it was your song playing on the 101. I just went, that's me. It was me. Like it was your song playing on the radio. Like in that thing you do,

you're like, Oh my God. My big moment. I was on the news two days ago. Yesterday. I was on the news yesterday. Local Los Angeles news. Because I went to brunch and they said, the camera person was like, hi, can we, oh, they have a microphone. They're like,

hi, restaurants are requiring vaccination cards. You want to talk about it? And I said, no, I can't talk about it. No, thank you. And so I gave no comment. But then they filmed me showing my card. So they're like, Los Angeles residents showing their vax cards and it cuts to faggy ass me bald in a button up floral shirt showing my card. So they're like, Los Angeles residents showing their Vax cards.

And it cuts to faggy ass me, bald in a button up floral shirt, showing my card like. So people were texting me like, are you on the news? And I'm like, oh no. On like KTLA local news?

Wow. So if you see a white bald faggot showing their Vax card from three days ago, it was me. I was doing a TikTok dance. Yeah. I was doing the say so dance. What? I don't even know how it goes. how it's like do you think we should just exclusively um transition to tiktok informational dancing videos on uh yeah i'm actually editing one like before i came over here yeah you were

doing like five ways to tell if your daughter's on drugs yeah yeah it's so bad well we were obsessed with these people doing TikTok dances who it's like 10 ways to know that your body's decomposing and they're like smiling dancing but it's like horrible shit.

Yeah. Your dog has worms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So crazy. Yeah, but I do I did get a kick out of the nurses who are like

doing whatever latest challenge in front of their like dying patients or corpses you know in the morgue. Yeah. The things you need to know about working in the er get used to piss blood everywhere yeah smell the shit don't let it get you down yeah well oh my god do you want these whores to follow

you guys or not yes please be careful what you wish for you know the people that watch oh you know they're unhinged yeah i'm used to it yeah you want to hinge i am yeah do you like it that's fine yeah me too i like bumble what's up with bumble straights only i don't know how the gender dynamics work um because i know that women have to message first like you swipe and match and then women message first that's nice right it's like sadie hawkins yeah like if no one messages me it's not my responsibility it probably doesn't surprise anyone that like i hate messaging first i like overthink it i get anxious what with your outrageously gregarious outgoing personality that borders on obnoxious every time so it's like it's great that you know they have to go first yeah well i think it's good to always hit the ground running high is nothing hello might as well say nothing yeah

open with something memorable like that draws you in my grandmother just passed weirdest thing we can't find her body sets you up for like a or

never works do you like airports I like airports no that sounds that sounds like Tom Hanks Tom Hanks in that movie I said that you read that comment on

from my okay cupid when I let you into my messages. That's right. You said, do you like airports? Well, I weirdly love them. She said in her profile that she liked airports. What about, how about this one? I'm glad I'm getting hate for this twice. Airplane takeoffs can be really impressive.

You know what there is magical? Something magical. If you've ever flown with someone who's flown for the first time watch their face as the plane takes off especially if they get

the ears thing it is chilling when you're on the plane and suddenly a person who's never on a plane is like oh we're dying yeah

first time I was in an international flight I got so bad the ear pressure so bad you started screaming scream crying no you didn't I swear to god 92 in Portugal and then you were 92 years old the ear pressure, so bad. You started screaming. Scream crying.

No, you didn't. I swear to God, 92 in Portugal. You were 92 years old. Oh my God, old. Reverse old. Bring it back. We need to do reverse old. They need to bring Benjamin Button to the beach.

At the end, it's fetuses suffocating outside the womb. I'm going to tell you tell you there's no spoilers Mary listen these two kids the kids are six and seven went into a tent went through puberty in the tent

fucked in the tent came back when they came out five minutes later she's five months pregnant are they brother and sister? no no no no no no no

they came out five months pregnant so that means and so they're adults and they still don't like know how to read or anything No, no, no, no, no. They came out five months pregnant. So that means they, and so they're adults and they still don't like know how to read or anything. Well, the kid was annoyingly precocious. So like, but then they had the baby,

left it out, left it unattended for one minute, dead. And then the baby is wrapped up, like wrapped up, bag of bones, sandy bones. Sickening.

Sandy bones. Yeah. I gotta watch this movie you will love it I'm gonna love it you will love it it's fucking rotten the script should never have been

greenlit I'm ready it's so bad but that's like what makes an M. Night Shyamalan movie now right like how do you feel

when people are constantly tagging you in the the billboards of the woman with bone legs well now I don't mind but like I mean it's you know having seen it I I'm like, okay, yeah, that's fine. But this woman has a tumor, benign tumor, all of a sudden.

Oh my God, it's a baseball. Oh wait, it's a cantaloupe. You know what? Grab that pocket knife. We got to cut it out of her right now. They cut it out. Oh, the wound closed up. Cut it out again.

Pull the flesh open. Keep it open. They dig this thing out that's the size of a fucking watermelon. And it just goes, oh, I'm awake. Fierce. It's so bad. It's so, so bad. I love it. I can't wait to watch it. You're going to love it.

Okay. Where can they find you, children? I'm at Art of Watt, A-R-T-O-F-W-O-T on Twitter and Instagram. And on TikTok? Sure. I haven't posted anything on TikTok. You have one? I always think, yeah, but I have nothing on it. Let's get it cracking. I should.

You gotta talk to this one, the CEO of TikTok over here. Mama, listen, if you need any pointers, I'm right in on the ground floor. I appreciate it. Do you follow her on TikTok? Yeah, I do. I love the, like, stuff. You love all the sex content? Yeah.

I told you about the dream I had where it was like a video game, and every step you took in the video game, you kicked off a leg, and then legs just kept multiplying and filling up the level until it was just full of legs. That's going to be my movie, Leg. It's an island where legs keep shooting off your body. And the best part is the, the like publisher was like, Oh, the game's broken.

And I was like, no, this is hard. It's working just fine. And you, you can find me at, uh, evil Jeff on Instagram and the evil Jeff on Twitter.

Cool. I love it. No Tik TOK, huh? I don't post anything. I just skulk yeah work okay yeah well thank you for joining us for another episode of the bald and the beautiful and thank you to our special guests for coming here today and congratulations on those streamies they'll be

in the mail by 27 yeah i cannot believe Although, but we both moved. Oh, perfect. None of you can complain about missing awards. Would you live in a TikTok house with us? A content house? With you two, yes. Anyone else, no. Okay. Content house.

Content house. What about, it's like mansions that people like spray paint the TikTok logo on, right? Yeah, it's just like, it's just like a, is the TikTok house the modern version of like a literary salon? A sorority. Yeah. Wow. We should find a social network

that no one uses and it should be that kind of house or a Facebook house where we just write fake news all day. A Facebook house. Oh, we could do

the Russian for the VK house. Yeah. And then it'd just be, yeah, that's a good idea. Propaganda. Yeah. Stay tuned for another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful coming at you Russian for VK house. Yeah. And then it'd just be, yeah, that's a good idea. Propaganda. Yeah. Uh, stay tuned for another episode of the ball,

the beautiful coming at you fast and wet and hot soon. Yeah. Goodbye. Yeah. Yeah. Show us your clam. Wham!