The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Revisiting the Art of Dating: "Fisting is the New Kissing" with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

As the massive Trixie and Katya Tour starts its journey to a destination filled with tears, sweat, and a ton of dirty underwear, we revisit the low-stress times of 2021 where we gathered in a small studio to chat about Cheesecake Factory's Skinnylicious Menu, wigs in movies, and our unadulterated love of Panda Express's orange chicken. This episode begs the question, "Will Trixie and Katya survive a months-long live tour together?" Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple. Starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss.

See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary.

Eligibility and member terms apply. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards,

you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Um, well, stay close to the microphone. Don't bang on the table. Yeah, stay close to the microphone. Don't bang on the table. Yeah, stay close to the mic. The banging can be treacherous. Stay close to the microphone. The banging can be treacherous. I'm going to tell you that we opened this skinnylicious menu at the Cheesecake Factory.

It's good. Yeah, I don't know. The regular portions weren't as giant as I thought they would be. And as a bitch like me who can gain weight from a stick of gum, I appreciate the limitation of don't show me the rest of the menu. This has a slightly less calorie version of everything. Is it smaller portions or less calories or both? Both.

But it's a lot of less calories. It's a hors d'oeuvre. No, it's not the burger. It's the turkey burger. You know what I mean? Gotcha. Gotcha. It's also extremely dark in there. It's dark. It's It's not, you know what I mean? Gotcha, gotcha. It's also extremely dark in there.

It's dark. It's very dark. Did you go to the one at the Grove? Yes. Love it. Do you go on the patio, the upstairs patio? You can sit outside? No, but we saw.

You gotta sit outside. Yeah. I want to sit by the fountain. I cry at fountains. If there's any kind of choreographed display featuring water and music, it's Niagara Falls. There's a lot of good ones in Scream when they're sitting by that fountain and be like,

I don't know how I should just kill someone. Yeah, but he's a liver. Did they find a liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found a liver in the mailbox.

Yeah. Our friend Jamie Kennedy from the pod. Our good friend, our close personal friend Jamie Kennedy. That was surreal. And then when I left

that cemetery as I was trying to like boot scoot it out, a girl stopped me and said, isn't it funny that you made fun of Jamie Kennedy and now he's on screen right now? And I said, well, no, I didn't say anything. I just, no, it's not funny because he's a Hollywood actor. He's a Hollywood film.

Yes. It's funny that you're approaching me in a cemetery to talk about it. Yeah. It's funny that I peed my pants and that I have to wiggle out of here before there's poop as well. Do you know you can pee without pooping but you can't poop without peeing

poop could always do pee but pee could never do poop that's on period and period could never do pee do you see this yeah what's with that

I think it's dandruff who would play her um brushed linen fibers I love this the wiglet I love this the wiglet I love this wiglet

you love it I do did you ever get a piece yes because I put that piece on in your apartment a men's wig and I was

enchanted transported to another realm yeah there is a there is a man I know that we know that we both know let's just say

there's a boy I know. He wears a wig. It's so glued to his head. You would never, ever know. And I was like, wow. I really want to do just outings as a different kind of man character

or just a man character, let's say. Well, I think there's two camps. There's the people who. I don't want to camp. I don't like it. No, there's the people who wear the wiglet and have everyone around them convince it's a real. And the people who are like, yeah, I just thought I'd put it on tonight.

Woo. It's wig night. You know what I mean? Like men like Marco Monroe. We all know it's a wig. That's the fun of it. Yeah. So I'm somewhere in the middle.

We all know it's a wiglet, but I'm going to keep it. Don't ask, don't tell. I'm going to the grave with that secret. With that secret. The unit. Yeah, the unit and I. Code of silence. Even though you're trying to have no one notice, you keep futzing with it the whole time you're there.

Yeah, and the glue is always coming off. And sometimes it just completely falls off. And I go, oh, shoot. Look over there. Yeah, I try to do off. And I go, oh, shoot. Look over there. Yeah, I try to do that. And then, yeah. But I like, I mean, I wish men would, well, I don't wish men would do anything.

I actually wish men would all die. But it is fun to wear a wiglet. People should wear more wigs. Normal people should wear more wigs. I don't know why it's. Well, normal people do wear wigs. It's just for some reason, like the men's toupee thing is like so you cannot admit it. Well, it's like African-American community. Women, wigs.

No big deal. Your grandma, wigs. No big deal. And then in the middle, there's not enough. There should be more wigs in general. Uncle Bob cannot admit at Thanksgiving at 55 years old that that's a toupee. Otherwise. Right.

Yeah. People should just be like, oh, I put a wig on. Like toupees are the tampons of the men's world. If I was a normal man and I had, let's say a hairstyle, I think I would get a wig. Like if I, like I would get a wig of my hair,

a wig of my hair and just wear that. Like Nicole Kidman. Instead of you sitting in a makeup chair, you can walk in and put on the wig and leave. That's why every movie has wigs. That's why they do wigs. Because the person doesn't want to sit in the chair? Well, think about the wear and tear on your actual hair and also continuity.

The wiggery of it all. It's continuity. You know, like, but here's the thing, though. In terms of wiggery, someone was noticing the other day, like, when did wigs become noticeable? Because in the 30s, 40s, 50s, they were all wearing wigs. And that wig game was flawless. It was an HD television bitch i guess so eight millimeter film and a hard front wig on also people that know as much about wigs hitchcock though i mean that's not hd but it's still close up it's right there you never think wig it's all flawlessly done back in the day and now

it's like boo-boo nasty is it because of i was watching killing eve and i was like i saw um wet uh lace on a character and i was like oh shit there is a sticky uh glue on that uh the temples of that character's lace front well do you remember like there's that iconic picture of beyonce singing where she's like scrunching her face and you can see the wig ripple the lace ripple but that's stage wear. That's theatrical. That's totally different. You know what I mean? Like, I'm talking about on camera, editable, redoable.

You know, that's like a live action's different. Yeah. But like in movies and stuff, you know, they do glimmer glass on, just like RuPaul has done on her on Game of Thrones for Generous. Or they did. Have you always... Never mind.

I was going to ask, have you always been not good at doing wigs? But why would you have been good and then quit? That doesn't make any sense. When did you stop getting good at that? When did you decide to suck shit? Well, no, I... I remember learning about wigs

because I didn't know any drag queens who knew about wigs. And I was like, I'm going to have to figure this shit out. I never learned about wigs, obviously. But you learned about sewing, I guess. Yes, I learned about sewing. How'd you learn to sew? The streets?

The street. The school of hard needles. Needles up my ass. Fashion Institute of New York. Yeah. No, I mean, I wrote about that for a little thing, a little Substack thing. Oh, sewing? Let me tell you about this.

I already told the thing. Let's repeat an imprint story. Before you say that, subscribe to our sub stack. Oh, yes. It is a newsletter. And you're I know what you're saying. Oh, 1983 called and wants its stupid idea back. But no, it's great. It's great. It's called Gooped. And we are giving you

I don't know what you call it. Mama, we're giving you life. We're giving you drama. Yes, 12 steps to being a diva. 12 steps to being a fierce diva, honey. How to work and own your diva-ness. Yes, what pair of pumps should you wear to brunch, bitch? How do I find my fucking fierce

faggot? Let's get fierce with that contouring diva. See you at brunch, bitch. Stick a fucking firework up that cunt. Yeah. If you don't know me about my Birkin, you don't know about my workflow, diva bitch. I just bombed the Capitol.

Yeah. See you on January 6th. Girl boss. So that's basically Substack. And it's fun. And it's free or you can pay.

There's a lot of options. I did ignore, I did, I did interrupt you. Uh-huh. Talking about wigs and learning to sew and you were going

to say something. Yeah. So back in the day, this is before Drag Race, many years, I'd probably say it was 2008, 10,

2012. For $80, I went to Sears and I bought a brother sewing machine. Just a boot scoot and an old brother sewing machine on sale.

$80. I have used that same sewing machine until this day, even this morning, to create 80% of the garments I have worn before, during, and after Drag Race. And you think that your garments are going to make people want to sew? I need you to just come with me for a second. You too can look like a tired old show hag.

You too can look like a sea hag that has washed ashore in the 1700s and has been preserved in jelly. You too can look like a hooker who's daylighting at Joanne Fabrics. I would like to draw the attention to the very real observable facts that these garments have fetched hundreds, actually thousands of dollars on the international marketplace. You're right. It's true. But some of them are fierce, right? Honestly. Yes, they are. I mean, don't even get me started.

I'm not talking about good construction. No, I've harassed you enough. I think you should start a small, limited edition, limited number line of dresses. So this is where our personal styles and philosophies diverge, because that would be taking something that I'm passionate about, a Harvey, if you will, and turning it into a workflow, which would mean miserable. So I like to preserve this Harvey hobby.

I like to preserve... Harvey fully loaded. Harvey. At the wig store once, this lady Darlene said, do you ever think about getting a Harvey? And she meant hobby. Yeah.

Anyways. A Harvey? A Harvey. So it stuck with me. You said, do you want Hardys? What are you saying? No,

her name was Darlene. She said Darlene, but she was, Darlene had a Harvey. Interesting. Do you want a Harvey? Yeah. So,

but it's just for me. It gives me joy. It sounds like she was reading. Like you were talking about your feelings. She goes, yeah, you ever think of getting a hobby? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, she, yeah, no, she read a lot. but uh i don't want to i don't want to i just want it to be for me and the satisfaction you know of making a garment with your like own hands and and then wearing it and then getting tipped and then it's a rush it's lovely it's the full it makes your night the full cycle of satisfaction. The full cycle of creation. Yeah. It's very exciting to have a gig and you're so excited to wear your new thing that you made.

Yes. And somebody goes, I like your outfit. And it takes a quarter of a second to go. I just made it. Yeah. I made it. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper.

Look at the zipper. Actually, don't look at the zipper. It's kind of crooked and up the back. I'm actually a very good zipper. I'm the zipper girl. I'm the zipper. Zippers are tough, especially on stretch fabric. I know. They always end up puckering for me. I get that. I'm actually a very good zipper. I'm the zipper girl. I'm the zipper diva. Zippers are tough,

especially on stretch fabric. I know. They always end up puckering for me. I get that zigzag. I know how to not do that. What do you do? Well, you've got to hold it. Who would play her? What's her name?

Holly Hunter. Holly Hunter in Top of the Lake. No, but it's so satisfying because let's be honest stage wear mary anybody check in for lining who cares or who the fuck cares does it shine do you look amazing wonderful can it last three shows even better yeah can you move it is it custom tailored to your nasty irregularly sized body yes it is because i've tried it on 14 times because i don't know how to measure so i just do as, do, do as I go. Oh, wow.

Yeah. So you don't have a pattern of your body? I do now, though. Andrew helped me make it. Literally made it maybe two months ago. Is it a bodice or what? It's just sleeves and a mini dress, like bodycon mini dress to the knee pattern, paper. You never had that until now?

This is what I would do. I would take an old, whatever I had just worn and use that as a pattern. Sometimes I ran out. So it's like a game of telephone. By dress number 10, you're like, do I have a humpback? Yeah, I was like, wait a minute. How many goiters do I actually have? Yeah, it was like so crazy.

So insane, too. But the thing there was that different fabrics have different stretch because I only do knits. I don't know how to do non-stretch fabric because that involves precision and measurement. So you don't know how to do darts? I know I do darts, but I don't know how to. Like a fitted bodice? Yeah, I can do knits. I don't know how to do non-stretch fabric, because that involves precision and measurement. So you don't know how to do darts? I know I do darts, but I don't know how to... Like a fitted bodice? Yeah, I can do that with stretch. Like on a catsuit, you have to do the darts in the back.

Otherwise, it's, you know... But you just do a flat body with two back darts, right? The way that I do a catsuit, I fold the fabric twice in fours, and then I make one cut and that's it. Work. Yeah. It's like a magic trick.

It's super boring. It's like a very boring magic trick. That's not magical at all. Russian pop blaring at ear splitting levels. Ear splitting. While you cut out one shape. One shape. For two and a half days.

Yeah. But now that I have that pattern, I just, any fabric. But now that I have that pattern, I just, any fabric. What about the heartbreak of tendonitis from cutting sequin fabric and shit like that? That's where the pizza cutter came in. The rotary cutter? I got me a pizza cutter. The rotary cutter?

Yeah. And I fucking, I got a ruler. I got a thing. We got a table. It's a whole deal. And I fucking rip into that four layer of like, it's like deep dish fucking sequin pizza chicago style yeah goggles gotta put the goggles the half sequins flying through the air you ever hit hammered beads you ever hammered beads for a seam there's nothing worse than cleaning up after sewing sequins too half sequins you'll find it for six months if you

have a rug sequence never it's over never sequence in your anus sequence in on your titties get into this you know when i used i started drag doing rocky horror back in the day and you know during rocky horror they throw toast they throw rice you know all the props yeah prop queens so much detritus the first time i did rocky i was like 18 and i remember it was on a Saturday and next day Sunday I found a piece of rice in my piss hole in my piss slit a Piece of rice and you know what it had cooked pasta doubles rice triples I

Love rice me too. I love basmati from Zanku chicken I love rice. Me too. I love basmati from Zanku Chicken. Most of the time, rice is the only level of effort I'm willing to make. Listen, how about this? Look at this. Rice and seaweed.

You got your starch. You got your protein. We're taking a break. Ah! A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. What's better than Tim's Rewards Points? Two times the Tim's Rewards Points. Use Scan and Pay on the Tim's app from now until September 30th

to earn two times the points. Pay, earn and redeem all with one scan. Only on the Tim's app from now until September 30th to earn two times the points. Pay, earn, and redeem, all with one scan. Only on the Tim's app. Canada only, limited time only. Terms apply. See app for details. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Elevate your morning coffee ritual.

From the first sip of coffee in the morning to the on-the-go cup. Make every morning unforgettable with Nespresso. Discover a world of possibilities with or without milk. Visit Nespresso.ca to learn more or a Nespresso boutique near you. Ah! Miso soup

and a little bit of rice. And you know what else is great? When I'm really busy, I eat like paime in Kill Bill. Yeah, like a dog. Bowls of rice only. And I'm like, I gotta eat. What's filling? Oh, like paimei in Kill Bill. Yeah. Like bowls of rice only. And I'm like, I gotta eat. What's filling?

This one little sad cup of rice. Great. Oh, no cup of rice is sad. A well-cooked rice, whether it's sticky steamed rice or basmati from Zenku. I don't even need

any seasoning on it. It's oiled so well. Do you like the Panda Express? I love Panda Express. Nasty malt Chinese food. Sometimes I don't know whether to put it in my mouth or right up my ass. They have it in the pavilions in Hollywood. The pavilions grocery store has.

You can get it to go thing? It's a whole operating thing. When you leave the grocery store, there's a Panda Express there. And I'm gooning. This changes everything you go to buy food instead of shopping for groceries you eat the pan express and go home just orange chicken white rice and maybe a little steam a little uh dumpling i may have told you this before but i watched this show and there was these two people talking about the movie frozen

and one of them goes do you like the movie frozen? The other person goes, I love the movie Frozen. I've never seen it. But they were dead serious. They love the idea of it, the fantasy of it, but they've actually never seen it. Isn't that great? That is so weird. Love it. Yeah, just being enthusiastic in general.

The positivity. Yeah. I love that. It's the rule of improv. Instead of going, I've never seen it. No. No. Shut the door.

You go, yes, I love it. I've never seen it. And it's not the energy of like, of going yeah i've never seen it no no shut the door you go yes i love it i've never seen it it's not it's not the energy of like yeah i saw it before you i wrote it for you and i like to run it yeah yeah no do you lie how many times have you lied today sometimes i say i've seen movies because i don't care to hear that much about it sure but today how many times have you lied i don't i mean i'm reading this book by a psychiatrist who says most adults tell maybe one to two to three lies a day i don't think i I'm reading this book by a psychiatrist who says most adults tell maybe one to two to three lies a day

I don't think I have totally lies Mark came in and said why did we reschedule Monday we hung over or something I go yeah oh okay great sure was

yeah when was the last time you lied I don't know maybe it's not that I don't lie I'm saying maybe I lie too regularly that I don't even know I it's not that I don't lie. I'm saying maybe I lie too regularly that I don't even know. I think, yeah, that was the, yeah.

The lies fly out of my mouth faster. They just fly out, yeah. Yeah. But you know what? It's, of course, self-interested when I lie, but it's usually to like minimize someone else's hurt. Of course. Make a conversation.

When's the last time you lied? Oh, three seconds ago? 13 seconds ago. Probably 10 seconds before that. You don't lie much, do you? No, I mean, I'm not good at it anymore. I'm not really good at it anymore. You can tell.

I mean, you'll tell. You can tell. Well, I remember when we got detained in Australia, I was like, what are we going to do? And you're like, I can't lie. I don't lie. I wish we could have gone back and done that differently. Me too. This is probably the 15th time we've told this conversation. I was like, what are we going to do? And you're like, I can't lie. I don't lie. I wish we could have gone back and done that differently. Me too. I know this is probably the

15th time we've told this conversation. I know. But I never said this. I wish I would have just known to tell the truth. Duh. I felt like an adult who was a baby. Yes. Why did I think I was national security? Catch me if you can. Wasting people's time. My time, your time, their time.

Everybody's time. Nobody cared. The country of Australia, their time, everybody's time. Nobody cares. The fans. Nobody cared. It was just we should have said, yes, we're performing. We don't have the right visa. Can we help us get it? Yes. Just upfront.

No lie. Who is trying to lie to government officials? We're not drug. We're not drug. Full of grace. Yeah. Maria Bamford, full of grace. I guess the one tidbit we could share at this point is that I did have 16 kilos of black

tar hidden in my vagina. So I guess the- A lot of black tar heroin. No, no, no, no, no. Just black tar. Just tar. Tar. You know, pooled.

You were planning on doing a driveway when you got to Australia. Exxon. I got to lay down a driveway in Brizzy. I got to get these. In Brizzy. I got to pave these drives. Briz Vegas. Briz Vegas. I got to these. In Brizzy. I gotta pave these drives. Briz Vegas. Briz Vegas.

I gotta pave these. Briz Vegas. No. Jailor in B&A flick. A back together. In Briz Vegas. Eating bris with spritz. Oh my god.

That was so bad. And not Australian or New Zealandish. I gotta tell you some crazy A-list shit. What? Those poor celebrities get photographed. Poor? But they can't go do anything yeah without being photographed those like a-list people they can't do anything right one of my friends who's

super a-list said that they can't go on a boat with their friends on vacation let's say without fishing boats going by and trying to catch the same fish that they're catching the person said oh like the person said, you look at the fishing boat, you notice that you see a little glint of glass and you notice that it's someone pretending to fish while someone with a camera is crouched behind them. Oh, it's like M. Shemelama Ding Dong

at the mountain at the beach on Ola. Yes. Yeah. Bone sticking out. So speaking of bones sticking out, Princess Diana, how many times are we going to have to exhume the corpse of this poor woman for entertainment purposes?

And every time I played her, I would play her. Not me. Not me. Even I had to get the heavy lifting actresses. Yeah. Kristen Stewart. Kristen Stewart. Me.

Naomi Watts. I mean, I'll try to pick us out of a lineup. We all look the same. So it's. Yeah. Why? We all look the same in the ground. Why? And the whole thing was, oh, all look the same. So it's, yeah. Why? We all look the same in the ground. Why?

And the whole thing was, oh, she was just a regular woman. Okay, great. Mary, she's on the crown right now. No more Princess Diana. The most incredible story ever told. Once that family gives up all their gold

and feeds the English needy or whatever cures AIDS in Africa, then just let it go. Give up the ghost. Give up the ghost. Give up the ghost. Of the dead woman. Y'all chased that bitch into the tunnel and killed her. And now we're just going to like, we're monetizing.

We're pulling in C notes at her corpse. That being said, if you died. Mama, you better milk that for all it's worth. If you don't think I would do some kind of Cher, Sonny Just Died press tour. Mama, I need you to have multiple hands milking. Mary, the hardcover novel, Out of the Darkness, Sidney Prescott. The novel, the miniseries, the teleplay, the adaptation, the rights to the screenplay. The makeup palette. The makeup palette.

And then the line of merchandise, grieving wear, grief leisure. Mama, grief leisure. Yes, it'd be like makeup looks for people in veils. Yeah. Morning veils. You're very in shape, but your friend is always on the fritz. Grief leisure. Yes.

Yeah. You're at the donut store, you're at the donut place getting a morning bun, get a morning veil. A morning bun, a crying bun. Crying bun. And then that's hair pieces. And I'd be like, I'm ready to talk about what really happened. That's how I'd get an Ellen.

Yeah. Once you die, everything's how I would get an Ellen. Yeah. Once you die, everything's going to open up for me. Yeah. And you'd be like, and it's got to be strategic. And you'll know intuitively when to kind of like, you know, you'll have, there'll be a sixth sense of like when to, when to actually know. You have to, well, you also have to wait. Of course.

No, that's what I'm talking about. You have to go into like a three month, no one's seen or heard from her. She's hiding. She's healing. Yes. And you have to do you have to flip because people are going to assume you're going into these stages of grief and you gotta you gotta flip the script every time well no once i once people find out about me i need to

be in the throes of some kind of mental illness or addiction yes and then i need to it needs to be your misfortune that catapults you into a in obscure and it was first it was used as a coping mechanism yes but then it became you know whippets every morning with french toast or you know or like

the dust cleaner whippets every morning with french toast poppers at the club gooning at the club you were writing my elegy on the keyboard the hillbilly elegy

and then you used the dust off to get the yeah yes first thing and then when I finally come back I've colored my hair. Yeah.

I'm wearing a chunky cable knit sweater. Yeah. Turtleneck. And I'm on a couch drinking tea with Barbara Wawa. And your old teeth back somehow. Veneer's gone. You got them back. Don't ask me why.

I'm different now, Barbara. I'm different now. And I recount the whole thing. And I talk about how I can't help but feel like it's my fault. Even though in this scenario, it's not suicide. No, no. It's like... No, hit by a car.

Hit by a car. Yeah. And I'm like, I can't believe it's not my fault. And Barbara goes, and Barbara goes, why would I pick this up all? And I go, I should have been there across the intersection saying, okay, now it's safe to go. Where was I? I was at the Petco looking at parakeets again.

I would get hit by a car at a broken stoplight from a doctor's appointment that just gave me the cleanest bill of health. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And then Oprah would be like, was she your friend or were you? What was it? Were you lovers? No, but what did she say to Megan and Harry? Were you silent or were you silenced?

Do you remember that one? Yes. That was so good. I'm also ready for you to die and Wendy to catch wind of it. So anyway, what did you guys do this weekend? I just talked to my mom. She told me I want somebody to get another haircut. Anyway, tell me who knows who this is.

Yeah, wait. So, you know, RuPaul, right? Everybody loves drag queens. Everybody thinks I'm a drag queen. I wear a wig. I got big breasts. Yeah. And you know, Katya, she's fun fun right she's fun she does a split she smokes

cigarettes we all love her love her she's an icon she's a legend she is the moment well she was stabbed in the face in queens this weekend just saying just saying so sex and she doesn't have more instagram follows than me that that oh my god she is i oh wait wait wait wait wait wait in the beautiful wait wait wait i have the wendy cinematic universe is something that i recently discovered on youtube there is this there's this person called the vernonator vern i believe vern has or something um a young boy i think maybe a recent college graduate who has created a universe so rich, so deep that any contemporary artist pales in comparison to the amount of like the rich tapestry of intellectual value that is gleaned from this YouTube channel.

Is this the person who did like the clip of Wendy walking out silent and then it's like someone unlocking their phone. Yeah. And it's Wendy. You can hear her bracelets when she's dancing. It's the whole cinematic universe. And the Avengers are like Guy Fieri. Wendy.

Wendy, of course. And then all the staff on her show. And then- Who else is on those Avengers? Oh, Meghan McCain. Meghan McCain. Oh, Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey, it's oh Mariah Carey Mariah Carey for sure

Mariah Carey features in heavily Nick Cannon she was on the Masked Singer remember the lips and there's this whole I'm telling you

some of these videos they're short ones called Ave Wendy of course to Ave Maria where and I went to his Instagram

and the the caption was or the description was silent but Wendy and I almost lost I had to get Instagram and the caption was, or the description was silent, but Wendy. And I almost lost, I had to get up from the chair. I'm telling you that me and Andrew watched every single one of these probably four times in a row and just cracked our shit. But can I tell you what would happen if I die?

Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. If I die, my dying wish would be that you capitalize on your line of dresses. Next thing you know, you're at Crabtree and Evelyn or something like that. And you've got a line of boogie dresses and you're fabulously wealthy and you can't believe. I'm Jessica Simpson with the shoes. I'm Jessica Simpson.

But if she had started selling shoes because someone died and told her to sell them. Yeah. Grief hoppers. Yeah. Or coffin clogs or whatever. Or if I die, you know. Or if I die, you could start like a Kanye church.

Oh, that's, oh, yeah. Whatever's beyond sobriety, that. I want you to start wearing white linen pants. Well, that's a cult. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. White linen pants, shave the eyebrows. I think, I think.

Shave the eyebrows, Nike swishes. Oh. Nike swishes oh Nike swishes what about what about a cult where the first thing

they do is it's like Scientology where they take your money and they force you into veneers oh tithing dental tithing

so you don't owe me your money I want your teeth yeah and they bind your feet bone tithing bone tithing bones

they bind your feet put that wallet away I want them bones so i'll be the bone collector once you die because what i'm really doing is trying to make an ultra tricksy skeleton and using all the uh my the rest of my money to harness the the front how many 206 bones in the human body i believe something like that you don't need all of them no you're not all doing something no i mean half of my bones don't even know where they are right now how many bones have you broken in your life just the nose only the finger that's horrible though no it was easy on the trampoline just a backhand spring it just went like that and i knew it and i went click and it sounded like that just a click oh my god easy bone sticking. The nose was traumatizing because it is your face. Did it bleed and it hurt?

Yeah, it bleeded and it hurted and it's- It bleeded and it hurted. Did it bleed and it hurt? It's a country song. Yeah. It bleeded and it hurted and it- Yeah. It was horrible, but it was a long time ago.

Although now my nose is crooked. We've talked about it too many times. It's okay. We need to stop hanging out. I think we need to- Or become more interesting. We need a- What is. I think we need to... Or become more interesting. We need... What is it called?

A trial separation? Or like a restraining order? What's the... I want the more permanent one. Sabbatical. One of us has to die. We just talked about... Death to both of them!

I think one of us needs to fake their death and one of us needs to die for real. Oh, my God. She just it's happening. It's all happening, folks. My evil plan is working. You guys ready to rock and roll? You just fell off your chair, you fucking weirdo. I felt like it was teetering and then I tried to test it.

But then you just went for it. Yes and did. I felt like it was going and I just wanted to see how much further and then I went too far. I was comfortable with the fact that I might fall. You're a risk taker. I'm a risk taker. Are you going to go to Six Flags on the gay night? When is it?

September. That's what I sound like when I get invited to fun ones. I know. I literally have a free ticket for you I think we already talked about this what day is it I have a VIP ticket for you Mary

what day Friday September 16th or 17th oh no I'm oh god you're gonna be ripped apart by Candyman

oh oh god another sex change wow okay um is it lit though i'm i mean i've been there twice i'm so jealous i've been there twice and i have to tell you um like we just discussed um gay events where we have to watch out for being um not listen i love to be recognized but it's so dark there that you don't you only get recognized if you're within like feet of people. That's how it was

at Synespia. We were next to Billie Eilish and no one talked to her. I know, it was so great. So Six Flags is the ultimate

lit crunk turn. And I don't care who you are, you do not have to be on Molly or K or G or whatever because those are thrill rides

to last a lifetime of memories. I love roller coasters. It's been so long. There's a Six Flags in Gurney, Illinois called Six Flags Great America. Used to go to that a lot. I love Six Flags.

I love feeling like I am going to die. Do you fuck with Disney? No. Do you fuck with Universal? Absolutely do not fuck with Universal. I fucked with her one time, never again. Oh, right. We talked about all the rides are broken.

I used to take a big titted bimbo out on a date and it was just like this. Like it was like Danny DeVito showed up. I want to take out Justin Simpson. I went on a date. I felt like it was catfished at Universal. Yeah. It was nice because it's so close, though. Close to what?

To our houses. So. You can walk to Universal. No. No, I wouldn't now, though. I'd rather walk to the Dunkin' Donuts and Silver Lakes. Silver Lakes. I ran yesterday.

Oh, yeah. To Los Feliz and then back up around the hills through Burbank, almost to PEG. What? Yes, yesterday. And there's so much horseshit over there what that's how much that's like 15 miles it was 12 but there's so much horse shit over there because i did i guess that's by the more not the milwaukee zoo the los angeles zoo i guess they're walking the horses and the horses are shitting and no one cleans it up oh so i saw human shit i saw the first time no no i was the

celebrity sighting human shit yeah. Cameron Diaz's shit. No, it was like somebody probably between living situations just shit in the middle of a running path. Yeah. And you know, you smell dog shit, you smell this. It was human. What are you, a CSI veterinarian here? Dog shit smells different. Does it?

Yes. And then like animal, like farm shit smells different. Well, cat shit tastes way different. Human shit is human. Yeah. And it's also a size, usually of a shape. Yeah. It's always in a letter.

And a taste. B, C, or D. The taste. Yeah, the taste. And when I freeze it and fuck myself with it. I know. And then get. Oh.

Okay. Oh. Oh. That happens, you know. Girl. Everybody's into scat. In L.A., people start with kissing is fisting now and scat is second base. And third base is literally could right when I not could you hack off my limb?

Yeah. While my whole family has been held for ransom for at least six to eight weeks in a Thai prison. Oh, flirting is scarification rituals. Throwing knives. Knives. Gay people are on another level. I just love to kiss and hug. If I were to prank call, I would be my first name, Amanda, last name, kiss and hug. Not hug and kiss.

Kiss and hug. From the Philadelphia kiss and hug. Amanda kiss and hug. Yeah. Amanda kiss and hug. Let's take a break. Yeah. Amanda, kiss and hug. Let's take a break. Yeah. It's really not important to me to have a lot of things to show off, fancy cars,

you know, a giant home. Those things are just not part of who I am. But I've been coached and I've learned through my advisor that it's not one size fits all. Everyone has their own preferences. Everything that I do with Edward Jones is tailored to who I am. Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. Oh boy. I should have read the best before date on this milk. Since I'm with Fizz, my unused data transfers to the next month automatically. I forgot things could expire. For monthly data that transfers to the next month, switch to Fizz. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fizz.ca. After decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors,

Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada who could provide Andy with something special. Three neurosurgeons. Two scientists. One movement disorders coordinator. 58 answered questions. Two focused ultrasound procedures. One specially developed helmet. Thousands of high-intensity focused ultrasound waves.

Zero incisions. And that very same day, two steady hands. From innovation to action, Sunnybrook is special. Learn more at sunnybrook.ca slash special. I didn't tell you about my diarrhea. We're back. Please tell me about your diarrhea. I almost had diarrhea yesterday twice on my run. I was... Uda Pippig. You're almost Uda Pippig. So what do you do in that situation? Would you go in the woods? I was doing like the, we're by Griffith Park, the yeah and i was like great the one day i pick a trail run away from any restaurants or establishments i'm gonna shit my pants and i'm gonna walk down this hill covered in shit and

have brandon come get me i mean it could happen but it didn't happen but i had to uh pull over and like you're not shitting you're not gonna shit your pants it's sort of like the reverse of i think i can like you had to take a moment yes You're not going to shit your pants. It's sort of like the reverse of I think I can. You had to take a moment? Yes. But I didn't shit my pants. That means that I just willed the feces back into your butt? Or you just settled your intestines?

Yes. Well, because I was coming off the hard hangover. Oh, OK. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went 12 miles after a hangover? What is wrong with you? After a hangover.

Jesus Christ. You are a glutton for punishment. LA Marathon, November 14th. I think 14th. Why in the world? I'm doing it. I got a 10% off deal. Okay.

So you have to pay to run 26.2 miles? You're going to hate this. Okay. I signed up for the Milwaukee one, but I can't do it because of that thing. So LA Marathon. I signed up for the LA one because I signed up for the Milwaukee one, which was $90 early registration fee, $90. And the LA one I just signed up for, it was like 220 or something.

Now, isn't it the case that you have to like, these are so sought after that you don't often get to do them? Well, some of them you have to qualify by being super fast. Is that Boston? They sell out of it like tickets because they can't have a million people

showing up to do something like this. Because there's people who work for the marathons who do things like hand out water, give you your medal, whatever. Oh, and they got to go home. You're basically paying for the convenience of running without water. They hand you water. And there's a path blocked off. No traffic.

No traffic. No red lights. No red lights. And you get those awesome little aluminum capes at the end. You really want one of those. I think those are so chic. It has little aluminum capes at the end. You really are. You really want one of those. I think those are so chic. It has to be cold, though, to get one of those.

That's fine. You know, I just love I just love like a very strange looking thermoregulating. It looks very DIY. You look like the Jiffy Pop in the beginning of Scream. Yes. Or you look like you look like somebody in the future. Something's gone wrong. You know, it's just i don't know it's fun i wish i like instead of bath towels or shower like in the shower i use the shower and then dry off with it yeah a space blanket yeah i

think of those as like um when i was a boy scout those were in like our emergency preparedness wilderness what are they it's basically an extremely lightweight way of carrying a blanket because the metal keeps the heated gotcha gotcha so you asked for a jiffy pop you're literally jiffy pop you weren't a boy scout were you oh you no no no i was the opposite of a boy scout and that's not a girl scout oh my god okay yesterday we're at the Grove. Go ahead. Dramatic Oreos are Lady Gaga's Girl Scout cookies. Think about it. Go on.

Absolutely, they are. So this girl, I'm talking six years old. Eden was there. She can testify. We're at the Grove, me, Fina, Eden, and Ellie, or just the three of us. Not Fina yet. This little girl girl very little girl very tiny little girl

comes up and says excuse me and I'm horrified because A I think immediately she's a fan and I'm like how the fuck

how the fuck I was like I wouldn't be surprised I wouldn't be surprised but she was six years old and extremely put together and eerily personable for someone of this age

and she said excuse me would you be interested in purchasing an eraser I'm doing and extremely put together and eerily personable for someone of this age. And she said, excuse me, would you be interested in purchasing an eraser? I'm doing a fundraiser for my dance class. Did you buy one? No, I said, you get the fuck out. No, I was so, I said I didn't have any cash, which was a lot. You said, go down to the Lucky Horse, Shula, teach how to pole dance for free. No, but we are having dinner. Would you like to come to the Cheesecake Factory?

It was, there was no, her guardian or parent was nowhere in sight. It was, she was so, so small and so children of the corny, articulate, impersonable that it was so. It was like eerie. It was beyond eerie. It was creepy frightening like village of the damned terrifying actually

it was terrifying it felt like the next thing would be like oh well I have this machete that I could just whip all of your you know I mean

it was crazy you want to buy an eraser you should I don't make mistakes you little bitch I don't use pencils you fucking cunt get the fuck out of here

I have an iPad kill yourself I just it was so weird and I felt it was like and slows you fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of here. I have an iPad, kill yourself. I just, it was so weird. And I felt, it was like, I was like relieved that she wasn't a fan, but then this horrible, eerie sense of- I would have given her money. I only had a 20 and that fucking little cunt

wasn't giving me 20, no. That wasn't worth it. She could be dancing for Jesus for all I know. This is, I want to say, alert, this is not pedo behavior, but what I learned all I know. This is, I want to say, alert. This is not pedo behavior. But what I learned from watching women's tennis is a lot of these amazing tennis players start at four or five years old. As many athletes do. We know that pole dancing is extremely athletic. You want to get these girls on a party on the pole, like right out the coochie?

No, but like, I guess you could be a gymnast as a kid. And then if you like at 18 started pole dancing, you could be the most sickening athletic pole dancer. Because if I was going to be a pole dancer, I would want to be like the Serena Williams of pole dancing. Right. Yeah. I would want to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you can't take it.

But the only way to do that would be to have some kind of body that trained through adolescence. I don't honestly, as long as you're wearing appropriate children's wear, you could still put those lucite heels on. I'll say why you can't like hit the pole at six, seven years old, as long as it's tasteful. How do you feel about children playing with like fake high heels, makeup kits? I'm fine with it as long as they take it, as long as there's no disconnect. They have to have access to a lighter, to cigarettes, to a cocktail. As long as it goes full The Orphan. Well, right.

I mean, you can't let a child play with grown-up stuff if you're not going to let them do grown-up activities. So we should do a shot-for-shot remake of The Orphan where you are the little girl and everyone in the movie thinks that you're the little girl. Yeah, The Horphan. Have we talked about this? I've dreamed about it.

I hate us. I know. I think we've probably talked about it maybe 14 times. I think we have too. Yeah. I'm going to tell you a story right now that I've never told you before in my life. Give me a moment. Who would play her?

I'm going to try to ask you a question that I don't know the answer to. All right. How many siblings do you have? Half or otherwise? And I'm going to say, I'm going to say three. Yeah. Okay.

How many do you have? I'm going to say two. Yes. All right. That's it. We know each other. We know one fact about each other's family. And I know that.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Oh yes. Red velvet curtains, mama. I know that your name is Brian Michael Furcus and that you were born on August 23rd, 1989

in Wisconsin somewhere. Brian Michael... Brian Joseph McCook? Yes. Yep. You never... She never remembers my birthday. I don't know your birthday.

Or her boyfriend's birthday. Who would play her? Is it May? Yes. You're a Taurus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it April? It's May.

It's May, yeah. Is it the 13th? Very close. Just take off the three. Is it the first? Yeah, yeah. Full five second time elapsed for me to understand what that meant. It's not that we even, I think people don't understand.

It's not that we. Also birthdays, Facebook. I don't, I'm not on Facebook, so I don't know anybody's birthdays. Is it sad that we have to get paid to hang out this much to cultivate one of the only genuine friendships in my life? We have to be paid like a 401k. Is it sad that I had to Google your birthday before i wished you happy birthday i feel so much better because i never know your birthday i had to google it because i i before i posted i was like oh these children if i get it wrong i will never hear the end of it you know

what i mean because i did like happy international women's day like two days late once yeah i'll never forget it you know so did i tell you i went to the cvs to get a prescription filled on my birthday and the girl goes, oh, happy birthday. And I was like, how did you know that? She's like, it's on your ID. But I thought I was getting clocked at the gate. Did I tell you about the

woman at the Versace store? No. Oh, bitch. Do you want to tell you this? No, I don't think so. I went and bought myself this really cute little Versace bag. So you have been popping off You have fully settled into It's Lisa Vanderpump, isn't it? She has turned you. It's Lisa Vanderpump. Yeah, you're driving.

We don't know that she has a Rolls Royce waiting for her outside. Well, two part story. I went to Lisa Vanderpump's for my birthday. She invited me over. Yeah. Champagne and caviar. On her hill by her pool, she set a beautiful pink setting of a table, cooked dinner for me.

She did? Yes. Or the help? No, Lisa. Lisa and Ken and me and David set out and had dinner for four for my birthday. She brought out a cake with candles on it, with my name on it and sang to me

and then gave me a gift. It was like so fancy and luxe, I almost cried. Oh my God. And I was like, your food is so good. I was like, this noodle dish, it tastes like really good hamburger helper. she's like what's that i was like oh it's kind of like a working class food but i think it's like in a box and you add meat and she was like what's working

what's she was like you think my my dinner tastes like hamburger helper and i was like but like good like good hamburger helper didn't you say your favorite movie is peter rabbit yes and i was telling her about seeing screaming she's like i couldn't have done that and i was like it was sorry it's not peter rabbit she's like i saw the second peter rabbit and it wasn't as good the rabbits were good though like they're actors like the rabbits are actors she is so funny wow two-part story i went to the versace store because i wanted to buy me something something nice for my birthday and uh i get this great purse, pink, beautiful, I'll show you a picture, it's stunning. And then, so apparently at these rich stores,

if you don't want to carry things around the mall, they courier it to your house. So I got this pink robe, this Versace bathrobe, and then I got this handbag, and I go, I don't want to walk around the mall with this, can we get this delivered? And they're like, yeah, just write down your address and stuff right here.

The next day, I think Maria from the versace store goes by the way i noticed your boyfriend david was eyeing this robe we had it in his size i was like how did you know his name was david diabolical and then she goes and we're gonna have your package sent out today happy birthday by the way and i go how did you know that i was she. Drew Barrymore would scream. Yeah. We took the liberty of clipping that gangrenous toe off. And somebody from Cedars-Sinai is going to be down to stitch it up for you. And on your way out, we took a quick pinprick and got your blood type. Did you know that you had lymphoma? Well, so then I go, how did you know?

It was my birthday. And she goes, it was on the internet. Yeah. I was like, oh. Mary, the amount of care and attention that I've received from shopping at the Prada store in Chicago one time is more, more affection and care than I've got from my parents in my whole life. It's crazy.

But that's what my friend Jesse said. He's like, he comes, he's very like his family. It's he, they were living billions. You know what I mean? And he's not a Vanderpump.

He's a Vanderbilt. Exactly. And so he explained to me very succinctlypump. He's a Vanderbilt. Exactly. And so he explained to me very succinctly one day, he's like, oh, the food is great, but it's the service. At that tier of luxury, it's the service you're paying for. These people are going to give you three gallons of their O negative blood if you need it with those shoes. With your Starbucks.

It's all about the service because the shoes are great but can I get that bag in red and can I have him killed yeah the handle I don't know

the bamboo maybe just his arm maybe his arm can I get his radius whittled down yeah well they will do that because I mean

look at you go to fucking any designer yeah it's leather whatever it's great but it's leather, whatever. It's great. But it's all the wrapping, the care, the sucking of the ass, the like the coddling, the commis. I mean, they're like, it's crazy.

I'll say this. Being able to go to a store, shop for things in person and not have to walk out and carry anything was lit. Yeah. It showed up at my door the next day. I've never heard of that. That's crazy. I wouldn't trust them. It was nice. That's crazy I wouldn't trust them it was nice

that's crazy did they come in a nice outfit or did they send a courier they sent a courier a person in a suit were they dressed like Donatello Versace that would be incredible

she's like we're so happy that you bought this gift you should do her for Halloween I know I wouldn't take much oh no oh that's what I will I will do her and I'm gonna go as Gaga in the oh I wouldn't take much. Oh, no.

Oh, that's what I will. I will do her. And I'm going to go as Gaga in the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is just an Olive Garden commercial. I refuse to believe that's a movie. That's an Olive Garden commercial. Well, it'll, you know. Yeah.

People will love it. She'll do a six-month tour. She'll do 101 people in a room. There could be 100 breadsticks in the room and only one's got marinara. There could be 100 bowls of soup and only 99 have mas gravy drizzled all over. Yeah, but all it takes

is that one breadstick. There could be 10 gabagools. What is gabagool? It's like a fajool. Have you ever gone to Rayos in Hollywood for dinner? No. Bitch. Go to Rayos in Hollywood. It is a film. They got mas gravy? It's a television show hollywood it is a film they got my gravy it's a television show called the sopranos they got my gravy there though i don't know what that is

they got fujo i don't know what that is it's an italian restaurant and like the door guy is like literally you know his name is big pussy you know his name is big pussy he's like ah what you got the friday right on the weekend you got plans it's like that and i'm like i don't know if you work here if you're hired for ambiance like are you a day player here are you an actor yeah are you a star trek day player i love that that's what it's called reos r-a-o apostrophe s i'm sure that's the american that we are a trail i'm sure it's like rouse or something okay it's really good they sell the marinara um in the grocery store maz gravy yeah yeah well on that note well hunting's dangerous yeah hey catch this in your mouth i give you a prize catch this in your mouth they give you a bye