The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Sniffin' for Coq Au Vin with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

The fragrant garland has been lovingly hung, a faint scent of Douglas fir is carried on the breeze, and a nip is clearly in the air. As the decorative gourds from Thanksgiving slowly decay in a rusty dumpster next to the backdoor of a shady Thai restaurant, it's impossible to ignore: the holiday season is upon us. And what better season than the winter solstice celebration to discuss the best local Sniffies stairwells & parking garages, memorable visible p*nis lines, and the definition of "too famous for Grindr". Hang your nylon stockings, suck on that cinnamon stick, and mull that wine you filthy b*tches, because here's another amazing episode to bring you tidings of sickeningly good cheer. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. And welcome back to another riveting episode of the Bald and the Beautiful podcast with me, Katya, and my lovely friend, Trixie Mattel. That's me. That's you. How are you, honey? I'm fine. Thank you, sweetie. And you today, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling really good. I feel, to be honest, I listened to the last two episodes of the show and the episode where we took voicemails was some of the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. I know. Is it okay to laugh at your own podcast? I was laughing at my own self laughing at you laughing or laughing at you laughing at me.

I couldn't believe you didn't know that was you. I had no idea. It sounded exactly like a woman. It did. Yeah. Why don't you talk

in that voice all the time? Because, well, I had my tubes tied. My register went down like three octaves. Sniffies. Wait, you never got, I never got to tell. I found out about sniffies through the grapevine.

Yes. So what do you think? You know who told me about sniffies? Andrew. Eric Olson. Eric, who? Do you know Eric? Eric Dawnstorm.

Oh, okay. Online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alaska. Alaska. Yes. Oh, he told you, he gave you the team. He sent me some meme that was like me making a sniffies profile.

I said, what the fuck is a sniffies profile? It's literally just cruising. It's an online cruising app that lets you know people are under the stairs at the CB2 at 8000 Sunset. Ready to suck dick and cock through a cardboard box in a hole. It's also a little bit like, where are we as gay people that Grindr's not sleazy enough anymore? Oh, no, no, no. This is like, it's literally like the glory hole that Grindr is not sleazy enough anymore. Oh, no, no, no. This is like it's literally like the glory hole, the Grindr. Well, Grindr is like, here's the

mile away radius that someone's away, but it doesn't tell you where they are. On Sniffies, you can go on the map exactly to their home. You can zoom into their apartment building. Yes, but this is not something you use at home. And the profile. Mama, this is public. Not

what I've seen. Oh, really? These are people's home addresses and the picture is just their fucking cock. Mama, this is public. Not what I've seen. Oh, really? These are people's home addresses. And the picture is just their fucking cock. Oh, so it's open door policy. Oh, it's their cock. You make that cock. Oh, the picture of cock.

So it's just your neighbor, the picture of their apartment building, and their fucking cock hanging out the window. And it just, I mean, but also it's Grindr if everyone led with their dick pic. Right. Which I thought was Grindr. Grindr became Instagram. And Instagram became Match.com. Do you know what I mean? Well, I think on Grindr, no one's trying to fuck with their face.

And Grindr's also for dating. What I get from the snippy situation is these are people who are like, you have a cock? I don't need to see the face. Of course. I think it's that. It is absolutely that. But guess what? I'm going to flip the script and use it as dinner guest invites.

Because I'm so lonely. I don't have any friends. Open the door. Make dinner. Sniffing. People come in sniffing for cock. Well, they're going to get cock-o-vent. And they're going to sit down for a lovely dinner.

We should do an episode of this. Sniffy. What's that smell? Sniffy. Is that dinner? I'm reaching. Can you sniffies what The Rock is cooking? Can I say this about sniffies?

Sniffies, if you're listening, which I'm sure you are. If we did an episode of this where we had found people on the sniffies, told them to come over. See, I don't want to do all that. I don't want to do that because I know. Entrapment. Entrapment, danger. Yeah. So like, no, but you know, 8,000 Sunset is that big complex where you got the crunch,

gay gym. You got the Starbucks. Is that where the next house is? Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Yes. So gay. I'm there all the time. Isn't that a veggie grill?

What? Formerly. Now it's an urgent care. Oh God. Yeah. I know. I know. So mama, those, there's a certain stairwell.

A stairwell? I'm talking stairwells, parking lots, parking garages, elevators. Dumpsters. Bushes. Absolutely a dumpster. Bushes, dumpsters. Crosswalks. Loading docks.

Loading docks. Loading at the loading docks. Hello. All those things. Those are snippies. That's where the precision of the GPS really comes into play because that, you know, guy number three has his usual haunt is like, you know, to the left of the AMC right by that closed office space. That's where he's whole out, ready to get stuffed. Yeah, on sniffies.

That's what, to me, that's what the app is for. Well, can I just, you know, everyone is fucking. Anonymous public fucking. Well, can I just, you know, everyone is fucking anonymous public. And I got to say this. One of my favorite things about being gay is that no gay behavior shocks any of us. We all have this like mutual respect. We have this mutual respect. We're like, whatever you're into, even if I'm internally like, whoa, that's a lot. It's poker face. Yeah.

Yeah. Someone's like, oh, well, I, you know, so these people who are the face doesn't matter to them. That's not me. I need to know who's touching me who are, the face doesn't matter to them. That's not me. I need to know who's touching me. Okay. The face does matter to me. This is a win for ugly people.

This is a big win. Well, yes. Right. Yeah. Yes. For giant cocked guys with busted faces. If you are just okay looking in the face, but you have a magnificent cock, this is your moment.

This is your Super Bowl. This is your Super Bowl. Yeah. Sniffies is this Academy Awards. You better get on that stage with the mask on. Yeah, this is your moment. Although I guess those moments, I mean, glory holes, dark rooms, that whole thing. I'm, Grindr's done for me.

Oh, why? No, I'm going to be honest. You and I aren't famous. No, wait, what? We're not famous. No, we're gay famous. But we're too famous for Grindr. It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't Grindr. It doesn't work anymore.

It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work anymore. It's patronizing. If you go on Grindr and you say, hey, what's up? And someone recognizes you, they go, oh my God, not this. Or some shit like that. Or they're like Yas Queen or they're like loved you in All Stars or love your wigs. Or you get blocked for impersonating yourself.

Which has happened to me three times. Yeah. And I have to DM Grindr on Twitter and send them a picture of me with my ID. Humiliating. Humiliating. Those pictures are humiliating. Those that you feel like I, yeah, they're humiliating. I've had to send those to, not to Grindr or just, you know, to my family.

And can I just say, can I just say like, like I used to be shocked by my own porn tabs, but now nothing's more shocking to me than my own grinder messages. I'm like, you word processed this yourself. What's the, give me an example. I just, I don't like myself anymore. I don't like myself anymore. You need to use a VPN. You need to express VPN up in there. But I'm using my VPL. That's what I'm using on sniffies. The VPL, honey. Express VPL. Can I ask about free ballin'?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are these two people who don't wear, they don't wear underwear and then they walk around? We need, yes, case in point. Roxbury, Massachusetts. 1974. Massachusetts Avenue. Quote, unquote, the hood, but it was just a i just called an urban metropolis bustling with life of all colors shapes and sizes yeah mostly of the larger variety in the form of a man my friend misery and i were walking down the street and we see this guy across the street coming he had like a swag? He's like walking like he's the man. He was like, wow. I was like, he's like a gifting suite.

He's got AirPods. Green chef. Just came from the gifting suite at the Hilltown. No, this guy is like, he's got the male strut. And then we discover perhaps why he is because underneath his thin, very thin gossamer layer of light gray sweatpants, was the biggest fucking swinging eggplant dong. It was... Was it Morgan Freeman? I'm thinking of him in those linen pants.

It was Don Cheadle. It was Don Cheadle. Do you remember in Bruce Almighty, he's in the white linen pants? He's always in white linen because they're always having him play God. Yeah. But this guy, this very attractive young man,

who is perhaps Latino or something, I've never seen a VPL like this. It was at March of the Penguins. Visible penis line. Yeah. Yeah. I we both looked like she grabbed my arm. I grabbed her neck, choked her out.

And then it was like it was so it was shocking. It was shocking. You could almost it was almost more obscene than the naked dick. Absolutely. And then only weeks later at the Dorothy's Boutique where I worked, this kid walked in. I'll never forget. Had a Kool-Aid 20s. In his 20s, but a Kool-Aid mustache.

Weird. Oh, like stained skin. Yeah, stained upper lip with a red from a slushie. He was wearing these little red basketball shorts. His enormous dick. I'm talking, you see that? It was that.

Huge dick in his pants. No panties. So when people are like, I'm into free balling, is that like, I want to walk down the street and then you see me without underbrown? So there's no touching? It's like a form of exhibitionism, I guess.

It's like cleavage in a way? Well, no. I mean, it's not cleavage. But is there sex involved? Or is it just like, I'm going to walk down the street and you're going to look at me? I think they're just into it

as like, I'm into spandex. Or do we like sit on a park bench and we both have like, we both have like, we both have basketball shorts on our park bench. We both have casual conversation about how good it feels

not to have restrictive underwear on. It gets, it's never sexual, but we just meet up once a month and talk. But I don't mind having underwear on, especially when they're from MeUndies. All different patterns. Do you, is free ball the thing that you encounter guys into a lot? Well, I had to get on the snippets because I don't know what the T is. I've never actually been on it, but all the, of course, all the people I hang out with are. It's, it's the reverse. Okay. You know, in it, but of course all the people I hang out with are. It's the reverse.

Okay. You know in algebra, sometimes they give you X and Y to figure out Z. Sometimes they give you X and Z to figure out Y. Solve for Y. Okay. Right? And sometimes, I don't know, but I don't remember algebra. So on Grindr, there's an order of operations.

There's a face or a torso. And then, can I see your face? There's torso. Yeah. Or can I see your body if it's torso. Yeah. Or can I see your body if it's just a face? And then maybe it's dick and ass and all that.

And then if you get wild, maybe it's videos or something. Oh. But, they're doing Tarantino down at Snippy's. Okay. You're seeing the ending scene.

Yeah. And then they're going back to the beginning. Yeah. Coldplay, take me back to the start. Okay. So,

you're seeing the giant cock picture And the exact home address Which is usually the information you find out last And then you're asking Can I see your face? How old are you? No, no, no, I don't think that comes into play It does for some people, I think

But for a lot of people, I don't think it does I need to suck a dick I'm at the Piggly Wiggly By the 49th and Lex I need to suck a dick. I'm at the Piggly Wiggly down by the 49th and Lex. I need to suck a dick in my mouth now. Sniffies.com. I got my groceries. I went to the bank.

Where's the dick? It needs to be in my mouth right now, and I don't want to go to somebody's residence. Right. You know? Well, I think there's a public aspect for sure. Like, I bet you Sniffies at the airport is popping off. Or Sniffies at the, I don't know, the Beverly Center? The Beverly Center, Central Park, the Boston Common.

But Central Park is like a bush and then there's just a picture of someone in a bush and it's like Pokemon Go. I don't know. You got to find out. Wasn't that a big, that was a big craze for a reason, public fun. But I looked it up because Sniffy's got me thinking about California law. Okay. And I was like, well, I thought if you're going to meet in a handicapped stall in a bathroom, which if you're straight listening to this tune out, this is all going to shock you. But whatever.

Gay people have sex in public. It happens a lot. Yeah. Sometimes it happens in restaurants. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes it's sporadic. Yeah. Things happen.

My hole is so big. Things just fall into it. Technically that's sex. Yes. I mean, I've been to gay bars in Los Angeles where there's mirrors above the urinal. So if you're peeing, everyone can see your dick. Who's staying at the urinal? Everyone.

Yeah. Mary, go to the Eagle. Yeah. But let me just say this. I looked up what counts public sex. What counts as public sex? I said, if you're in a stall and no one can see in there, maybe you're making out, maybe you're doing hand jobs, maybe you're doing anal. That feels private to me. If it's quiet and no one can see in there.

But then I was reading like, well, can you be charged in this way? And then I was reading that in the 50s, 60s, especially in London, et cetera, cops would walk over the stalls when they heard gay guys were hooking up in bathrooms and they would hold a mirror over the stalls to see who's in there doing what. So someone's just in there taking a shit and a cop is like looking and then get into this. The cops would whip it out and jerk off incognito and then arrest you. Yeah. Yeah. Or they would make you pay a fee.

Like they would, they would dip into it. They would like, uh, the, the bars would have to pay them off with money and blow jobs. Yeah. That's crazy. So I was just like being like, well, if people do sniffies and they do public, if you're at some,

okay, if you're in the middle of the street and streetlights are on and people can walk by and see you having sex, that is public. Hollywood and Highland. That is public. Hollywood and Highland.

You know that huge intersection down the four way where everybody crosses diagonally? Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard. Hollywood and Highland. You know that huge intersection down the four-way where everybody crosses diagonally? Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard. But it's like if you're two guys and you're going from a gay bar and you walk into an alley and do oral, should you be able to be charged for that? I mean- No.

Charged with a good time. Yes. Charged with maybe an STD, but not by the police. How many times in straight bars might a girl go to a bathroom and a guy follows her? There's no cops arresting people for public sex at a straight bar. That's not happening. In a lot of those cases, there is sexual assault happening

where the guy should be arrested. That's what I mean. If it's a blackout drunk girl and a guy follows... Maybe it's the fact that we're in an age group where cruising in that sense isn't a vital part of sex. It's more of a choice. Like, oh, this is a kind of sex that I like.

Versus at the time, 50 years ago, cruising was the way to find sex. Because there was no sniffies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was literally just... Well, it was smoke signals. So you would be jerking off under a bridge and then you would build a little... I would waft the rancid cum scent up into the grates and then people come down and smell it. You never know what you're going to get.

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Bob. I can tell you that Bob. He is so handsome. He's just one of these guys that is like. Who would play him? Jon Hamm. Oh. Okay.

But a little bit younger. He would go out. He and his friends were also very handsome and gorgeous and lovely. They would go out onto Santa Monica Boulevard on the weekend nights and cruise. So like walk around and look at people in the eyes? And then have sex with them. In the street? Sometimes in their house, sometimes in an alley, sometimes anywhere.

It was the most, like, this is behavior for me, from my point of view, that only someone of this, like like that beautiful, I mean they literally walk out and the world's their oyster and they'll lock eyes with someone and go have sex. And it's game on. Yeah. Whereas if I lock eyes with someone, do you know what I look like? Have you seen the movie Shutter Island?

Do you remember that old bald woman that Leonardo DiCaprio sees when he first gets there and she's like that's me. Yeah, you know when the little boy sees the woman in the shower in The Shining? A hundred percent. That's me. So people are not trying to have sex with me.

They're trying to figure out how to lock me way into the box of their mind. That is so funny you brought that up. I just rewatched The Shining last week on the plane. And you know Dr. Sleep too. Of course. I've seen The Shining at least 30 times in my life. And I watched it on a plane the other day. And I still was like, this is so scary. Dr. Sleep too. Of course. I've seen The Shining at least 30 times in my life. And I watched it on a plane the other day.

And I still was like, this is so scary. It's fucking terrifying. Yeah. It's terrifying. The sound design, the acting. Yeah. It's wild. And then I watched, of course, I think Dr. Sleep is good enough that if you watch The Shining, you then have to watch, you watch, you know, one and two.

Yeah. And that old woman in the. Oh, yeah, in the bathtub. We see the woman in the bathtub a lot in Dr. Sleep. A lot. Yeah. And that old woman in the... Oh, yeah, in the bathtub. We see the woman in the bathtub a lot in Dr. Sleep. A lot. Yeah. And she's so scary. So scary. Smiling.

Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, oh, I mean, that's me. I know. That's Smiley McCorpse. But, you know, if you remember in The Shining, she starts out hot. And she ends up... That's you for the first hour in drag.

With the Arizona. She starts out hot, spends most of the time scary and ugly, and gets locked away at the end. Oh, I love it! But wait, so... Wrong. Oh, wrong is the wrong one. I thought that worked. Speaking of that, Rebecca Ferguson, who plays the main

villain in Doctor Sleep, the woman, who plays Rose the Hat. Oh, my God. Gorge. Gorge. Gorge. Is that okay to say? Of course. They try to kind of dress her down a little bit, even though she's supposed to be pretty. She's not slutty.

She's not glam. No, she's not glam. But she's her face and her breasts. I'm telling you. So my friend is her agent. I know her agent at ICM. And my yoga teacher friend, his husband is her agent. I don't know why I said that, but it's name dropping, I guess.

She is in Dune. The yoga teacher is her agent? So my friend, the barista at the Starbucks that I don't go to, her yoga teachers, she is in Dune. And you have not seen Dune, but I have seen it nine times. You've gone Dune buggy. I've goon. It's gooned for me. It's gooned.

I gooned at dune. And by the way, the only message, the only message I've received on Grindr in the last three weeks was thank you for talking about gooning on the podcast. Oh my God. Did I tell you that I went to,

I went to hot dog Sundays to watch Matteo. It's a party. Sniffies would factor in heavily at hot dog Sundays. And a guy, a guy named Michael came up to me and he had a shirt on, like a disco shirt on. And he goes, all my friends, thank you so much for talking about gooning and baiting.

Yeah. If nothing else, we've really brought awareness to the gooning and baiting community. I gave him my number because he was like, I love to go dancing. I said, me too. Yeah. If you're going to have poppers until we drool, let me know. No, he'll text me a flyer for a party that night and go ready to goon and i'll be like i can't go because i have to work gooning is pre-gaming and baiting is dancing

it's crazy but you've got to miss ferguson so miss ferguson um i was watching you know how they do those vanity fair look at my career timeline things for actresses. I recently saw hers. And that Mary, she is so fierce. You have to see Dune for this woman. She fucking ate. She eats or she ate or whatever the kids are saying. She shits.

She ought. She ought, yeah. She is the, she plays a character who is a part of my dream, which is to be a man-hating, psychic nun, a sorority that controls

through breeding programs the fate of politics throughout centuries. It literally sounds like you wrote that. Yeah, I know. And they also use a voice to control people. So like,

they'd be like, kill him! And then there's this, it's called the Bene Gesserit. And they use this thing called the voice. Like the singing show? Yes.

Is it The Voice? I want them to be doing a version of The Voice. Like a chair that turns around? Or is that the X Factor? It doesn't matter. The chair turns around. It's called the Bene Gesserit. And then literally, it'd just be the contestant trying to use The Voice to make the microphone stand come up.

And they can't do it. So they get stuck with a poison needle. You got to watch Dune. I'm telling you, you'll love it. And Rebecca- I'll watch Dune. I'll watch it for Rebecca. That fierce scene in the opening of Dr. Sleep.

That's what I wanted to talk about. Where she's by the water? No, no, no. Where they're the kid. They're torturing the kid and sucking out his fear. Oh, that's scary. But the opening scene with the little girl and she's by the water

picking the flowers and eating them. And the little girl goes, you don't eat flowers. And she goes, oh yeah, you do. They taste the best. And then they all come out, right?

Yeah, and they're all standing. Yeah. And she goes, those are my friends. So fierce. But that, I was truly shocked. Speaking of being unshockable.

The extended director's cut that's in the regular version of the movie of the kid getting tortured and tortured and tortured because it's the pain that they feed on. It's horrible. I mean, that is one of the most. The fear and the pain. And you know how I hate movies. They're always scared to kill the kids.

Doctor Sleep. They're not scared to kill and torture kids child left behind alive and as somebody who hates kids i watched a scene i'm like all night long all night all night long to me that's a story of superheroes same with avengers same with pennywise i'm like work bitch that's superman superman that is so good and um the part where he's dead and they're punching at his body to get more steam out to get more juice mung diving mama

that's the mung that's the mung she needed to the tall guy needed to jump off the van and then bop that last little

juice in her mouth it's crazy that movie is so good you know how I'll scoot on that movie that little girl who plays Abra is she the one

who gets turned no she's fierce snake but Andy she's fierce but the little girl oh plays Abra. Is she the one who gets turned? No, she's fierce. Snake, but Andy, she's fierce. Who's Abra? But the little girl. Oh, yeah. The main girl. Yeah.

So good. She's great. Young actress. And I'm like, yeah, she is so good. And then there's that fucking, I mean, so much of that movie is so sickening. But in the book, they find out the child is psychic.

In the movie, they find out because there's that trick where the spoons are floating on the ceiling at the psychic. In the movie, they find out because there's that trick where the spoons are floating on the ceiling at the birthday. In the book, which I know people hate about what happens in a book, but the parents are having separate dreams of a baby crying. And one of them is having a dream of a baby with the word like, I think it's like nine. And the other baby is having like a shirt with this as 11

and the dream in the dream the baby predicts 9-11 i was just going to joke no no the baby predicts 9-11 in the book and this is before 2001 rose the hat and all those people are in new york parked on a cliff watching 9-11, like, gooning. Gooning. You are not. I'm dead serious. I'm dead serious. The baby predicts 9-11.

And they're at ground zero with their dicks out? And they're there like Dolores Claiborne with the reflector boxes, like, living. Living. That's two planes, not three, Dolores. That is insane. I know. That's, like, that is crazy. Well.

Is that Stephen King? Yeah. He wrote that? What works really good in Doctor Sleep though is the killing the kid is so violent that it makes you

really hope that they all go down. Yes. Because it makes them evil. Evil. Because at first you're like, they get to live forever. They're beautiful.

Yeah. They're amazing. Now if they came to you and you had magic powers and they said, we're either going to get you together or we're going to make you one of us. Well, see if it all depends.

Any of those other creeps get the fuck out here. Miss Ferguson with that broad expressive register of emotionality. She'll convince me. She could have me kill my whole family. Yeah. She'd be like, not only do you're going to, are you going to kill your whole family,

but you're going to do it in this dress as Lil Bo Peep, and you're going to go buy the costume yourself, because I don't have enough time to pick it up with the costumer. We'll get this in the book too. Miss Ferguson and Snake Badandy scissoring, gooned, and scissored. Do they scissor at ground zero? No.

They don't scissor at ground zero. That would be a bridge too far. Yeah, that's in the first draft. Like, so, Steven, we're going to have you remove the gratuitous lesbian scene. They really do that? Yeah, they're lesbians. That's good. That's good.

But, you know, it's like that whole book's about, like, drugs. And they're all sort of, like, hedonistic. Oh, because he's an alcoholic, right? They're all sort of, like, sex and pleasure. That's right. Yeah. He's a hardcore girl. Also, what about the beginning when he wakes up next to that dead woman and leaves the baby there?

Oh, okay. Well, you know what, though? It was gaggy. That's kind of a serve. It was kind of gaggy. Honestly, work. Honestly, work. I recently came across a clip

of a disaster movie, the first few, the setup involved saving a child from this apocalyptic scenario. I was like, mama, what? A baby? You throw it and then you keep stepping. A baby who cries?

What are you going to do? Spoiler alert, don't watch The Quiet Place 2. Oh, yeah. The lengths they go to to keep this piece of shit alive. I had to eat that baby first thing. That succulent tender morsel. This boy locked in a safe, splitting the oxygen tank between him and the newborn.

Mary, I want to say goodnight. That's white people stuff. That's precious white people stuff. That's the thing in those movies where something's going to happen to kill the entire population, but the person's like, but my child will die. Yeah, it's like, mama, everybody's child's going to die. Ain't nothing special about yours. It's so funny. That's like in season, I know people at home will get this, in season five of Buffer the

Vampire Slayer, they're like, well, the only way to save the world is to kill your sister Dawn. Yeah. And Buffy's like, no. And they're like, but if you don't kill her, we all die, including her. And she's like, so what? Well. And what?

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Hydration Multiplier, available in refreshing lemon, lime, passion fruit, and strawberry flavors. Buy a stick in store at Costco, Walmart, Amazon, and other Canadian retailers. Oh, it's the premiere day. Oh, by the way, it's the premiere. Well, by the time this comes out, it might be over, but it's the premiere day of Queen of the Universe. Oh, my God. Now, I hate this.

Speaking of singing shows, I know there's, I don't like them. Never watched them. Never seen one episode of American Idol or The Voice or any of those shows. However, I shall be tuning into this one because I want to see you on that judging panel. It's worth it just to see the drag. I hope that every time someone gets on there and delivers an incredible, like pitch perfect, gorgeous aria, you're like, why do your knuckles not match your neck? When I tell you, obviously they trim down the judges' comments.

I watched the first two episodes. Every performance, I was like, oh my God, that was amazing. First thing, why doesn't your arms match your chest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Body makeup. It's just as easy as continuing the makeup down the face to the chest.

But like if women on TV do it, why aren't you doing it? A man in a singing competition. Especially. And you're looking at me because I am patient zero am patient zero like we've we've established that you're not doing that you're not going to start now but these women are having their television debut and they're fabulous singers yeah yeah um you gotta watch i will say this uh one of my friends jujube is on it and you should watch you should watch i'm going to watch I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch. When does it premiere? Because it was Friday.

Judging your friends is also difficult. Oh my God. Judging your friends is difficult. I don't think so. I do it all the time. I would kill. I'd pay to be able to judge you on Drag Race. I think I take judging pretty well because when people say stuff, I go.

You would either identify it and agree with it or just dismiss it and not take it personally. There's nothing emotional. I've never been told anything on Drag Race that I didn't agree with. Or that – did it hurt your feelings? Well – What? Michelle was explaining to me what it's like because she said they all say they want help from judges. Nobody wants help.

They say they want the truth. They want to be told how it – Nobody wants to hear it. But then when you tell them, they get help from judges. Nobody wants help. Well, they say they want the truth. They want to be told how it, but then when you tell them, they get mad and sad. But then she said, when it goes on TV and they watch it, they DM her and say, you were right. Of course. Yeah. Or you were right about one thing. I am coming to kill you. I'm coming to kill you, bitch. It's worth watching for the Leona Lewis and the Vanessa Williams and Michelle, the drag. And they were as big a wigs as I was every day. Yeah.

These women are in drag. Yeah. They looked, you sent me an unauthorized photo a few times and you looked great. And so did Miss Vanessa Williams. I can't, I mean, I'm obsessed with Vanessa Williams. Yeah. She sounds like a hoot. She gets me.

She's so beautiful. I don't want to tell her age you can google it if you want but you're like she's in her late 80s i've been alive this long yeah and you look mama world war ii didn't touch that skin gold skin yeah blonde hair green eyes perfect teeth green eyes perfect green eyes and i'll say this i don't want to tell business she borrowed a lot of jewelry for queen of the universe so she's poor too, relatable. You know, Michelle has like the costume drag jewelry on and stuff. Yeah, so Ru has the Santy Alley buttons glued to her ears.

I'm wearing whatever Monopoly piece I've stapled to my ear that day. Is she like, borrowed David Yerman and Harry Winston? Vanessa's literally like, well, these earrings are 50, these are 50, and the bracelet's 100. You thought dollars. And I'm like thousand i i just never in person had seen jewelry that nice i'm like i've never but i guess i don't i'm so stupid and poverty like i don't even know what diamonds look like in that way because i'm looking at a drag bracelet a diamond bracelet i'm like are the diamonds all still there like that's

what it's that's what oh mine's missing stone, mine's missing stones left and right. But hers, when the light hits it, I'm like, oh, diamonds do, they do shine differently. Yeah. Yeah, they do. And I'd never really been around diamonds to notice that. Well, you know, it's the shine that comes from all the, you know, the children who die from mining them in Africa. That's really good. The shiny. Yes. It's the shiny. Yes, yes.

I'm at the Overlook Hotel on Sniffies. Baiting. Oh my God. At the Overlook Hotel on sniffies. Baiting at the Overlook Hotel. You're sniffing after Jack Torrance or whatever his name is. He's lumbering after Danny with the axe and you're sniffing after him with your dong out. Did you cry watching Dr. Sleep? Oh, probably. The scene where he's at the bar talking to the ghost of his dad.

I actually almost just started to cry right now. And the ghost of his dad is trying to get him started to cry right now. And the ghost of his dad is trying to get him to drink again? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't know. I'm sure if anything... But you love to cry.

Oh, I was just talking about this with Eden. And she doesn't... Big, juicy. You know it's getting juicy. Those are your heavy naturals. Last night I saw Diana, Spencer, the movie Spencer, that Diana mess.

And any good opportunity to cry, especially if it's even if it's maudlin or cliche, it'll get the things going and I try to resist it. But if it's a sincere, like beautiful moment of art, I will let it go. And so the eyes well up and you can feel them filling up like cartoon fish tanks. And then big, huge, like big, juicy droplets like stream down. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Do you look at yourself in the mirror while you cry?

Not usually at the movie theater. Oh, so you like the... I'm not at home thinking about things in the mirror and trying to make myself cry. Okay, so that's what I was picturing. That sounds like an insane person. That sounds like Hollywood actors. Oh, I could never do that. I've tried to.

I could never do that, to cry in queue. Are you kidding me? No. But a Toyota commercial will make me well up. But if it's a real- We come to this place for magic. Yeah. We come to this place to laugh, to cry, to care.

Because we need that that indescribable feeling when the lights begin to when the lights begin to dim when we go somewhere we've never been somehow reborn together our heroes is she in a suicide cult i we're talking about nicole she's yeah she escapes the suicide call in a raincoat to go to an empty theater to wax poetic about a particular chain of... Somehow heartbreak feels good in a place like this. That is literally how everybody... Me on Sniffy's. Somehow heartbreak smells good in a place like this.

Me on Sniffy's under a bridge. We come to this place for magic. And I'm just down there gooning under the crunch. To goon, to bait. If you go to the crunch to look for someone to hook up with, I'm not even the steam room. I'm on the tech deck machine, just jerking off on my phone. And I'm like, hello, hello. No, you're sitting on the fresh pile of towels that everybody has to take to the.

Well, this is what it is on the snippies. So what does it look like? Is it, I don't even, I've never been on that. It looks like Google maps, but let's say, you know, Google maps maps let's say you look for restaurants and then little bubbles pop up there but those bubbles are not spoons and forks with menus those bubbles are genitals ages what they're into what they like is it a is it is it a um an icon that becomes that links to a picture or is it little like a teeny you click the icon and then their whole profile pops up and it has whatever their picture is usually it's genitals on this one genitals yeah yeah and then their whole profile pops up and it has whatever their picture is. Usually it's genitals on this one. Genitals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it has their age, their height, their weight. And it'll have like, I really like cruising, kissing, and freeballing. Sure. It'll say like what they're looking for. Okay. And it also says if they want you to come to them or if they're their takeout. I'm in G2 of the second floor of the Target parking lot.

Right. But it's probably all the same second floor of the Target parking lot. Right. But it's probably all the same people from Grindr who now do sniffies. So if you've been blocked or you were ugly on Grindr, you put your big fat cock out there. And then when someone says,

what's up? It's that moment in a movie. Big mistake. Huge. Where someone's been fired and they walk in and their former employee's in the CEO chair

and they go, well, well, well. Oh my God. You guys take commission, well, well. Oh, my God. You guys take commission, right? Yeah. Big mistake. Huge. And then you're showing just how huge the mistake was.

And you jerk off your Red Bull can dick into your own mouth. You know what I like to say when someone walks in? Because I leave the front door open and they walk in and they had blocked me on Grindr and I go, hello, Mr. Anderson. walk in and they had blocked me on Grindr and I go, hello, Mr. Anderson. Actually, I have hired Ayanla Van Zandt to sit down at the table and be like, does he look like someone you might want to have sex with? Well, let me tell you, you'll never do that. Yeah. I mean, you know what else I was thinking about when I was reading up about California

public sex law? Because I was like, does having sex in a car count as public? If you're in public, it sure does. If it had tinted windows. I mean, I think if you're on the – so if you're doing something like if you're in a parking lot that is private – it's all about private ownership, right? Right. So if it's a privately owned place, that comes under the laws of – What if you're parallel parked on Melrose?

If you're parked on Melrose? Parallel parked on Melrose. Parallel parked on Melrose. That's public because people are walking by. Absolutely. Yeah. If you're having sex in your own driveway, in your car. In your convertible, your cabriolet on Sunday with the children.

That's what I mean. I just think it'd be hard to nail down. And let's be honest. I think most of these laws are about arresting men having sex with men. They're not busting straight people having sex and ticketing them. That is not happening. I think it's just about being able to control and police any undesirable. You know what I mean? Like, and also it's really just a way for the powers that be to criminalize sex and

desire and control people that way so that the priest can still fuck kids in private. And that, exactly. Because I also don't think it would be as much about actually ticketing as much as humiliation. Humiliation, shame. Shame. Shame. It's a shame based thing. Trauma. Humiliation, shame. Shaming. Shaming. It's a shame-based thing. Trauma.

Think about the courtroom. How dare... You know what I mean? Like the... Printing their name in the paper or like this person. But that makes me think of like Paul Reubens.

Cited for jerking off in an adult movie theater. And the fact that the first thing that comes to mind with him is that and not the fact that iconic P thing that comes to mind with him is that and not the fact that iconic P.B. Herman

or in Buffy or like an incredible actor. He's like eight MAs and stuff. Not that. I think jerking off in a theater. That's how. In an adult theater.

In an adult. A jerk off room. Not at Sing 2 at the Grove. You know what I mean? That's me. That's me, honey. I'm watching Dune.

You're watching Dune jerking off in the back row. Yes, I am. Have you ever done anything in a movie theater? Well, I've done a lot. Nothing sexual. Drugs in a movie theater? No, actually.

What do you mean you've done a lot? You were going to say I've done a lot. Eating, sitting, drinking. You're like, I like to get really crazy and watch movies. I'll bake a lasagna. No, I love to just sit still and watch the movie. I know someone who, this isn't me and this isn't any, but I know someone who was into public stuff. And my friend went out with someone who was into public stuff and was like, oh, let's go on a date at the movie theater.

And my friend was like, okay, sure, whatever. They go to the movie theater. The guy is in the movie theater. It's not very full of people. to the movie theater. The guy is in the movie theater. It's not very full of people. The guy stands up,

pulls down his pants to the ankles and sits down bare assed in the movie theater with his dick, cock and shaft out. No little towelette on the seat? No.

This is a grown, this is a human movie theater like the Grove or some shit. This is AMC where I come for magic. Where you come for magic. Now this is what I would consider like

you're doing, I don't know if you need to be cited, but you're doing too much. Oh, it's this is a go to jail. You're doing breach of this. This is a serious breach of the social social contract. Yeah. People are here to watch sing to who I come from magic. This is where I got to laugh, to cry and to care because I need that.

All of us. And I'm not going to be reborn together with a naked man standing up jerking off. Well, what if she meant Magic Johnson? Well, then she's got a good point. If somebody, if I'm at my sixth screening of Dune at AMC and someone stands up during the Gome Jabbar scene, I'm going to say, sit down and put that dick away or I'm going to break it off because, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to intervene. Yeah.

But I'm not going to call the police. That's the part I think is wrong. No, you don't call the police. I mean, this is more of an America thing, but why do we hate nudity? Why do we hate sex? Because of the pilgrims. Because of the church and the pilgrims. It's fucking.

It's the church. Bogus. It's just the church. It's all the church. If I was walking down the street and I saw people having sex in a car, I would be like, work. Honestly, work. Yeah, exactly.

They all keep walking. Yeah. It's none of my business. It's not. It's none of my business. It's not even that interesting. No, and it's never that sexy. Two people having sex is more sexy. Average people doing regular sex is like buck-toothed, mildred, and skin-headed friend.

Bring a book. Yeah, it's like, ow, ooh, whoops, oh, okay, done. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Why do we hate sex? I think it's because of the church and it's because of, it's white people and it's like yeah but the whole we hate uh i think it's because of the church and it's because of it's white people and it's religion i don't like that i hate it too it's the fact that nipples again you know people talk about this all the time we've talked about it multiple times but you can you can bread slice a bitch's head on netflix on netflix but you cannot show her nipple

that is fucking crazy it's insane and her nipple. That is fucking crazy. It's insane. And the nipple actually is the only thing that got that breadhead slice bitch to be a teenager. The milk. Not so much. We all know what a naked nipple or naked dick or whatever it looks like. This isn't new information.

It's right up there with bleeping the F word. It's not. Well, when you bleep the F word, I don't go. What do they say? Right. I missed the word. But also, but that is a, but that's a little bit different because it's like an insult, profanity, a hurtful, you know, a slur, something that's negative.

A nipple is neutral. A nipple is- But profanity is also cultural. Yes. So it's like- But a nipple is not cultural. A nipple is a nipple. A species, you know what I mean?

Like we've all decided that the n word is is unforgivable yes right good no more but like the the the taboo nature of the body it needs to go get out of here real because it also all it does is just uh it it um prevents people from accessing care when they've actually been hurt like or it makes them feel bad it makes them feel like is my body the only one that's this way? Or I can't talk to somebody about this thing that happened to me because I can't say penis or I can't say...

Yeah, I have to use baby names to refer to... My pee-pee, my giant. Somebody touched my pee-pee and I'm 23 years old. You know what I mean? Think about it. Show me on the doll where he touched you. The doll doesn't have a dick.

The doll doesn't have a scrotum with three balls. Do you not have an extra one? I've just been too embarrassed to Think about it. Show me on the doll where he touched you. The doll doesn't have a dick. The doll doesn't have a scrotum with three balls. Do you not have an extra one? I've just been too embarrassed to talk about it. Yeah. It's really bogus. It's fucking crazy. And I know a lot of it's from being Catholic. Because it's just...

Irish Catholic is a culture of not talking. But they're the kid fuckers. That's my point, though. It enables and encourages that kind of behavior. Ever since I watched it, ever since I watched that documentary on Netflix about Baltimore, the, the,

the archbishops in Baltimore where people are get found out for kid fucking and then they get transferred to their church over and over again. No one goes to jail. No one gets trouble. They get transferred to other churches. Have you seen spotlight? The one that talked about Boston? No,

it's the same thing. It was this huge. And I was there in Boston when it uh i think it was 2000 2001 the whole thing broke and it was like but you weren't hot i you know i joke about this and it's not a joke i would i would have been the one kid who would have been okay to fuck because i would have wanted it but they were so ugly it was just never factored they would have never wanted you no i was just i always had that old, old look. Old soul. No, old hole.

Like an old baby doll, like an ancient baby doll, like a Victorian baby doll. You looked like a Victorian baby doll until like 18. I was always tea stained and tea stained, crumbling flaking face. Half of my jaw was chipped off

and I and I only spoke in like yes and you had to pull a string on the back and nobody fucking that dog yeah but I swear to god

like those motherfuckers those motherfuckers those motherfuckers people think dry queens are the the

the sex demons they think that we are the ones that are going to, that we are the harbingers of complete moral decay. I was like, mama, you haven't been smelling that shit? That shit in your mouth? You think it's us? Yeah. No.

We're too busy and booked to be fucking kids. Also, those people are always so obsessed with us. I don't even think about those people. No. I don't even think about those people. I. I don't even think about those people. I think more about Dr. Sleep than those people. I think about Rebecca Ferguson and what that bitch can do with her face. You think about Dune.

I love it. This is your new old guard. We're just going to watch it over and over again and pretend it's new. I was – Remember old guard that you watched like a series? I watched it three times in a row because I refused to believe that there was not a second installment.

And I did the same with Dune. So people assume, oh, you've seen it nine times. You probably read the book. Oh, no, I'm not touching those books. And I'm not learning anything. There's a book of Dune? There's a whole series.

It's based on... And the original Dune, it was made into a movie by David Lynch in 1984. It was a huge flop, huge, famous flop. I haven't even watched that. I'm all about this one. Denis Villeneuve and his Dune? Right up my ass.

Good for you. You know what? It's important to identify things that make you happy in this life. It's so short. I'm so happy to latch onto a piece of the cultural zeitgeist and make it my personality for a good three to six months. That's exactly what happens to you. Same with food.

You're like, I'm looking to watch one movie and eat one meal for days. Yeah, I got one food item, preferably snacks, a movie, and oh, I got a new bed frame. Oh, I saw. It's over. I didn't see. It's over. It's over? It's ogre.

Oh, you love it? How has the bed frame changed your bed experience? It's way high up there. Oh, it's over it's ogre oh you love it how has the bed frame changed your bed your bed experience it's way high up there i think oh it's a high bed i love high bed it's it's well i've never had a bed frame that's not you've always done that's not true mattress on the floor i've done mattress on the floor like i've been 26 or 22 for the past four or five years even though i have you know plenty of money i got this bed frame and i feel like cinda fucking rella work yeah i don't know why well i know why because beds are supposed to have frames so that's why i don't know why i like it because everyone should like it you know what though i realized you were bed frame insecure i was- You were bed frame insecure. I was bed frame insecure, but I was also a monster under the bed,

very secure. T. Because mama, ain't no claws going to grab these ankles when it's flushed to the ground. Yeah. That's a really good point. But also in my case,

I really have to face facts that if anybody's grabbing ankles under the bed, I'm doing the grab. It's you. You're probably grabbing your own ankles while you get fucked by a cock. Oh, I'm fucked by a cock. He came over and he put a fucking bat.

Victorian ghost cock. Oh, what? I'm thinking of you as a chipped up Victorian doll baby getting fucked. With a teeny little needle. A hard porcelain chipped wiener. Well, hey listen. At the time this podcast is on, Kati and I have dates announced all over the United States.

They may or may not be sold out again. Last time, this is not a joke. No, yeah, yeah. 96% of the tour sold out in one day last time. If you want to go, get them up. Snatch up them tickets. And listen, don't worry about the VIP. Just get any seat.

It's going to be a wonderful show for all in the room. We're really – I mean, we had a whole meeting today about making sure that people in the very back row can still have a really good view of everything. No one will be vision all in the room. We're really, I mean, we had a whole meeting today about making sure that people in the very back row can still have really good view of everything. No one will be vision insecure in these venues. Except for the blind.

But that's not vision insecurity. That's just blindness. T. Yeah. So be sure to check out Queens of the Universe. Queens of the Universe. Yeah.

The winner gets $250,000. Oh. And by the way, you got to think about this. The winner gets $250,000. What does Drag Race get? Quarter million dollars. They get $250,000. Oh. And by the way, you got to think about this. The winner gets $250,000. What does Drag Race get? Quarter million dollars. They get a hundred. Oh.

Think about this. There's also, they get American dollars. There's also an exchange rate. You're kidding. If you live in Brazil or one of these countries, the exchange rate works in your favor. Oh my God. You could be getting $50 million if you're like from, you know. That's what I'm saying. So if you win and you're from a country where I don't know,

I don't really understand how money works in that way, but I know that it can be even more money. Yeah. So all you footless drag Queens in Romania, get the start practicing your scales and get a get on Queens of the universe. There's Queens from China, India, Australia, America, Holland, like everywhere. Holland. Everywhere.

These bitches are fucking fierce too. Are they, is any dogs, is it, are they really, any beautiful, like any stunning beauties?

They're kind of all beautiful. There's a couple where the makeup artistry is just, oh, to die, their face is to die. That's so crazy.

The voices are all great. They're all good. Do they have to do their own makeup? Yeah. That's so crazy. And the voices are all great. They're all good. Do they have to do their own makeup? Yeah. Spoiler alert, it ends up coming down to, a lot of the time, they all can sing and they all can do makeup, whatever. It comes down to song choice.

Oh, wow. Does that fit your voice or not? And like, if everyone else picked a song that shows their whole fantasy and you picked a song that shows this much, it's like, well. And you just did the chicken dance. Yeah, or you picked something

that doesn't particularly flatter your shape that day. It's like, we have to judge everything. So it's crazy. It's hard to win. Drag queens are hard to beat in a competition

because drag queens are extremely resourceful. Yeah. They can take a burlap sack and make the happy birthday sound. They can make tears in your eyes. So yeah, watch Queen of the Universe.

And also watch Dune. Watch Dune watch Dune yeah premiering tonight on VH1 on Paramount Plus on Logo okay bye

bye Bye.