The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Soaring Like a Fabulous Bald Eagle with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

There are no endings, Baldies. Just events that precede a new beginning. As we rapidly approach the conclusion of 2023, let us close our cold, darkened hearts to the old and open them to the new. We all get the same 365 days in the new year; the difference, you magnificent bastards, is what you do with them. From all of us here at the underwater volcano headquarters of Bald, LLC, we wish you and yours a Happy Holiday and a Gloriously Gaggy New Year. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://Betterhelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Start all your shopping trips at https://Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app to start saving today! Your Cash Back really adds up! Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and i want two three four five six seven eight hey you're looking great how about that i'll say it yes i'll say it you look great thank you i'll say it okay okay i'll say it. Yes, I'll say it. You look great. Thank you. I'll say it. Okay. I'll say it. Why do you actually look good? Wait, not me looking at you and thinking, wow, she's like not disgusting. It's the not throwing up for me. It's the lack of aspiration of my vomit while looking at you for me. Yeah, it's the lack of vomit production for me.

By the way, if you're listening to this in the car, I have on a zip-up hoodie that says Red Table Talk. And we are going to the Red Table. Actually, we are broadcasting live from the Red Table. Yes. JPS, honey, it's on. JPS? Oh. I was like, something public schools?

J-ma, yeah, not actual. I mean, let's not drag her into this, but we are going to the red table. We are going to the red table. The executive director of photography for Trixie Motel season one and two works on red table. And I said, you know, Katya and I talk about the red table all the time. And as a wrap gift, he brought me this. And he said, I said, I wasn't sure if you wanted it.

I said, am I a Nicki fan? Am I a Nicki fan? Pull up in the Sri Lanka. I was like, am I? Do you not think I would wear a red table talk hoodie look at the clock the microphone color what color is she she's a red circle if you watch if you watch every episode of bald and beautiful there is a red table that's been inching into frame one millimeter at a time mama green red green color blindness red green color blindness

once you regain once you achieve wisdom that green invisible table will turn red and you will be gagged totally well when we have other guests like invisible table will turn red and you will be gagged. Totally. Well, when we have other guests, like when I had Kathy and you had Natasha, that's our red table talks. Because we have someone else and we're like, so when would the trauma begin? Well, it's funny because she was redheaded and I was red faced because I was so nervous doing Natasha. And you were so funny. That TikTok of you. I got married in Italy. Wait, you do it. I'll do her. you with the- I got married in Italy.

He's like, wait, you do it. I'll do her. He's like, I got married in Italy. Did I say you copied my wedding? Who sang at my wedding? Andrea Bocelli. It's so fucking funny. Yeah, she was a great guest.

I don't even know the meme. I don't care. It doesn't matter. And then- Oh, yeah. It's so funny. Classic. then she went down to me she was making a tiktok in the in the parking structure of this building she was in the trash can she's really giving your tea she climbed in the trash can and she was in a red sequin suit

kathy griffin you've you've uh secured a lifelong fan in me, baby. Kathy Lee Gifford 8. Kathy Lee Griffin. Kathy Lee Griffin came down. Kathy Lee Griffith. Yeah. Kathy. You know, I'm excited for- Love Kathy.

I'm excited after this because I got two 6 p.m. tickets to see the fucking ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the new Hunger Games movie, and I'm horny. Guess who's horny, honey? Guess who's pussy's wet, honey, for the new Hunger Games movie, baby. I'm so horny for it. I'm gonna walk in there with a big fucking purple purple Trimex log. Tape? A log.

Duct tape to your leg so it doesn't move. And then the duct tape's gonna give while I'm trying to get in the seats and I'm gonna hit someone in the face and go, oh, sorry. And they're gonna die. They're going to die. And the whole time the movie is playing, my dick is going to be in danger of, if you have an erection longer than four hours, go to the hospital. Priapism. Priapism.

How do you call it? Priapism. Priapism. I do have to. I knew you wouldn't go and I knew you wouldn't care because this movie is almost three hours long. Sweetie. A YA movie. Darling.

Tootsie. Baby. Baby. Honey. Honey. Darling. Baby. Sweetie. Sweetie. Sweet home Alabama Tootsie Baby Honey Honey Darling Baby Sweetie

Sweet Home Alabama Reese Witherspoon And I'm gonna say this I love The Hunger Games I know I know this didn't have to be a three hour movie I know it

We all know it We all know it Because at three hours Come to the red table You better be Titanic Sit down at the red table You better be gone with the wind You gotta earn

Put your hands on the red table Feel the red table Feel the red belt Feel the red table I wish Jada Pinkett Smith On the red table talk Every episode She had an actress

And said Why was your movie so long So let's talk about The elephant in the room The length of your movie Thank you Jada's like I was in Scream 2

An hour 30 minutes Perfect length What do you have to say Yeah So justify the Totally We should have a show Where we just have actors Who have been in long movies an hour 30 minutes perfect length what do you have to say yeah so justify totally we should have a show where we just have actors

who have been in long movies and we make them explain themselves Marty Scorsese I actually you know what he's the only one I will not come for

because guess what he produces masterpieces sorry about it or Quentin Tarantino I've never felt like one of his movies was long I have 90 there are

some exceptions. However, for example, just throwing it out there, not to hate on women, but Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Celine Shimia, I believe. I don't know how to say her name. Sorry. This was heralded as the critics as a perfect, perfection, tour de force, a masterpiece of cinema. While every frame was indeed gorgeous. You distill a printout, hang it up on your wall.

As a film? Boring boots. Do you like cartoon sleeping? Like, honk, shoo, me, me, me, me. Honk, shoo, me, me, me, me, me. Honk, shoo, me, me, me, Me, Me. Yes, yes, yes. Hong Shoo, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. Hong Shoo, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. Red Table, come to the table. Put your hands on the table and tell me why

that movie was so boring, Brutes. Also, Todd Haynes' May, December, a feature film featuring Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman, out right now in theaters. Oh, did you watch it? I sure did. Did you live? I know, I did not, in fact.

I did the opposite of live. The trailer made it seem so promising. That's the fun thing about trailers. They lie. They lie. They do lie. Oh no. We're doing runtime and we're doing trailers at the red table talk.

Cause the trailer, which I've seen, the trailer promises it to be, the kids are all right. The kids are right. We need to talk about Kevin. Yes. Um,

um, the fabulous, a little bit. The cradle. Oh, I wanted mama. If The fabulous A little bit Hand that rocks the cradle Oh I wanted Mama If you

A little bit Mama If you If you dangle Miss Rebecca De Mornay Hand that rocks the cradle In front of me With a

There was There was an inhaler Single white female A little bit Mama All of these things You're mentioning Are gripping

Psychological dramas Involving complicated Female characters Sign me up This was nothing Of the sort. And I am very familiar with Miss Todd Haynes and her work. Who's Todd Haynes?

Todd Haynes is a director who has done Far From Heaven, Julianne Moore, like a period piece, like an homage to classic 50s cinema where there's a gay storyline. Like an overwrought melodrama. Okay. Stylized. Interesting. He also did Safe with Julianne Moore, which is a complicated, not very, it's a complicated

kind of a slog. Interesting. Interesting. But not pulse pounding thriller by any means. Okay. This movie was fucking boring, bitch. No. It sucked.

I will say it. Julianne Moore. And you went in hopeful. I went in hopeful. I went in. I'm a Nicki fan. I'm a Julianne fan. I'm a Natalie fan.

Pull up in the Annihilation. Pull up in the Garden State. Julian. Girl, pull up in the Boogie Nights. Pull up in the Hannibal. Yeah, that's what I mean. If there was somebody who was going in, I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you.

It was you. I was rooting for the three of those motherfuckers. And guess what? The only, and this is so, this is so typical. And maybe it speaks to my fucking horrible, stupid prejudice experience, but the only saving grace of this fucking film was that when one of the characters was fucking another character and he pulled out, you saw his hard dick.

It was a shadow, but it was proportionate. James. What was that? James. What was that? James. That was me. At the AMC.

It jostled me out of my slumber. I was like, and I was like And I was like You were almost like And then Is this movie so boring That I wished a dick into it? Is that what happened? Could have been

Rewriting history in real time It's like It was And then it ended And I could not I could Mimi I'm first You couldn't reconcile

Third in the voting I could not believe it It was It just They come up to you. It's 1am at the AMC. The movie ended two years ago. You grafted to the fabric. They go, Sir, and you go, Oh, it can't be over.

Also, don't misgender me. Thank you. You cross your leg. It's a pump. You said, Don't misgender me. A gas pump. You know, Mama, wait, hold on one last thing, but button a little button for this movie todd

haynes i got your number hussy that's it that's it that's it well i hope i have a different experience at ballad of songbirds and steaks is brock saw it today he said i think he he said viola eight yeah i'm normally listen when you're an adult i'm 34 when you go to see a ya thing you're a groomer well i won't I don't want it to be Twilight. But even when I watched Twilight, I was like, this isn't for me. I'm just going to watch it through the lens of it's not for me. But that's a bad movie. Young people.

Hunger Games is great. Movies geared towards younger people do not mean bad. They don't have to be watered down. It doesn't have to be a fucking X rated thrill slasher movie movie to be like, right. Although Thanksgiving was lit. Well,

some YA things are, I was just watching. Okay. I just watched home alone again. And I went, David, this movie is impressive because even though the primary character is a kid and the whole movie is through the lens of a kid as an adult,

I don't feel like I'm watching a kid's movie. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. And then the hungry is movies. It did feel like why a story, but as an adult, you're invested. It's a story about a family. And it's also about like, there's a lot of big themes going on, right? The metaphors of like capitalism and eat or be eaten or like, you know, the corrupt power.

The Running Man. You ever seen that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger? The old 80s movie, The Running Man? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Fucking fierce. Well, it made me think, well, and it also, the running man. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Fucking fierce. Well, it made me think, well, and it also,

it's sort of like crack open. Anything like battle Royale, squid game, anything that's the themes of like people, Lord of the rain or Lord of the flies, doggy dog shit, love yellow jackets where it's like, you know,

internal cannibalization. Yeah. But I watched something called the Squid Game Do you remember? Yeah, of course So there's June Squibb Games And now there's a show that is A competition It's just the squid

They're in the track suits They're playing red light, green light But they don't get shot They have a device that goes off And black fluid shoots out of their chest and they fall. These are not actors. They fall down dead, but they're not good actors. So like, it's like the, the red light, green light. And some of them, if they die, their chest thing goes off.

And instead of an award-winning like actor going for it, it's like your aunt Stephanie. Yeah. Her thing goes off and she's like your aunt Stephanie. Yeah. Yeah. Her thing goes off and she's like, Oh crap. I got to die now. But then some of them are invested. Some of them as they die,

they're crying like they're dying. It's community theater. It's community theater. Mary it's community theater. The community theater. It's waiting for Guffman. But I also thought Corky Sinclair, if this series was about like being critical of systems that are about people reaching for money because the systems keep them down, we're actually now watching people compete for money.

It felt anti the message of the show. Yeah. It's also like, okay, this late capitalist satire. Now we're going to make another version. Not so late. Now we're going to make a late capitalist. We're going to make a version. Not so late. Now we're going to make a late capital... We're going to make a version of it that defeats... Oh my God.

They're asking the contestants, what would you do with the money? Because they win $4.86 million. The most money ever awarded on reality TV. That's what they're playing for. So it's not... Okay. Which, by the way, I looked it up. The government, it counts as lottery ratings. 40% of that is $1.6. The government would take $1.6 million of that.

Get into that. Which government, Korean or US? The Republic of Chad. Not the country. Just a bunch of like uppity blonde white guys. Chad. Yeah.

Just redheads with real bad personalities. But I was, you're right. It's a critique on like late stage capitalism, but then we're watching it. It's a damning critique. And then, and then,

and then now we're just playing. And the interviews they're like well my dream with this money would be to pay off my house i mean is that even a realistic dream and i'm like i'm like so by dystopian future we meant 18 months from now topian future yeah yeah we meant soon See you soon. 3, 2, 1, 0. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy. And when the buzzer sounds, you deserve a Coke Zero Sugar. The one with irresistible taste and zero sugar.

Win or lose, Coke Zero Sugar is the most refreshing way to end the game. Coke Zero Sugar. Best Coke ever. Learn more at Coca-Cola.ca. Was Squid Game a trailer for this?

There you go. Back to trailers. Fucking A, bitch. I need, so trailer, so the fake, I don't know if you remember the double feature talking about long run times i didn't see it as a double feature no i did i saw death proof and planet terror in the theater me too oh you did so you definitely saw the the

trailer for thanksgiving yes fake trailer for white meat dark meat all will be carved yes this thanksgiving thanks you'll go thanks killing In a body bag. No, Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. It was just called Thanksgiving. Remember it had, famously had the girl jumping on the trampoline, doing the split. With a knife in the pussy. With a knife going in the pussy. You'll go home. In a body bag.

It was like that, that, that like very funny low voice. It's like that low droney voice. Like budget. This Thanksgiving. Movie. You'll go home. In a body bag. Obsessed.

Of course. Cut to what? I don't know 10 years later yeah Eli Roth makes the fucking movie I am so pumped up I see no promotion for it except a billboard on sunset no promotion I was like this can't be real I guess it's real Addison fucking Ray

excuse me he's all that yes the young woman the tick tocker from he's all that honey ate her dinner in this film. Really? I didn't even know it was her. I'm sorry. I resent everything.

Because we did not live for He's All That. No, no, we did not live for her. But guess what? At first you don't succeed. Try and try again. And this young lady, this young lady sure did arrive at that table and went chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Then she got up on top of it and expelled her bowels. And then she went over to the other plate and said, ooh, not eating that?

Chomp. She went over to the other side. Chomp. She said, no leftovers. Kids like chomp, chomp, chomp. One of those baby dolls that was recalled for eating kids' hair, just eating the hair all the way to the scalp. And I don't even, I can't even be 100% clear on which character she was. That's how good she was. And she was. She ate. I'm sorry about it. I don't care if I can't even be a hundred percent clear on which character she was. That's how good she was.

And she was, she was, she ate. I'm sorry about it. I don't care if anybody has a different opinion. She was, I trust you. I was not a fan of he's all that or she's all that or whatever the fuck that was on Netflix. But you know what? This movie was so, we don't exactly get shown the creme de la creme of things.

We're not getting, they're not, we're not getting, we're not tweeting like Martin Scorsese's dude, the Irishman. Seated for no country for old men. Seated. Girl, I would be seated and gooning and fapping

to that one. Do you love when people tweet seated for blank? I do. And I like also lensed by. Lensed by. Lensed by. Seated by and lensed for.

Yes. I'm seated and I'm lensed and I'm horny. Okay. Horny Hollins. Hornyny Hollins Seated for the Irishman But I have a question for you I want you to think about this Thanksgiving, not to give anything away Was an incredible

Slasher film With incredible, gory, nasty Creative, unique kills One more exciting than the next. Obviously by Eli Roth, who's a horror aficionado because he knows what you're expecting. He does something else. What other things does he make? Hostel, for example.

Oh, okay. He was actor in Inglourious Bastards. He was the bear Jew. The Jew bear or whatever. Anyway, he's done a lot of stuff. Oh, the Jew bear. Yeah, yeah. Hot, man. Hot, honey. Oh, he's done a lot of stuff. Um, Oh, the Jew bear. Yeah. Yeah. Hot,

hot, honey. Oh, he was also in death proof. Remember he's in the scene where he's like, we're going to get him a little drunker and take him home. Oh yes. He's hot.

Two handers. Big eyebrows. I'm a two hander. Can't, can't reach the soup cans. Yeah. Two soup cans, soup kitchen time.

Yeah. Slurp, slurp at the soup kitchen. Monster energy drink. Honey, two of them. Double barrel. Honey, it's pipes. It's a can of gasoline.

That big red square with the yellow tube. It's the tube at the bank. Baby doll. It's an oil tanker. It's a rig. It's a rig in the middle of the ocean. It's a 16-wheeler in the middle of the ocean. We don't know. We don't know. We're speculating. What we do know is that.

Sometimes you just know. That's like when people are like, oh. Well, then when people are like, he took out his dick and I was surprised by its smallness or bigness. I'm like, don't you read vibes? Don't you have x-ray psychic? Oh, see, I. I'm usually pretty right about that stuff.

Oh, really? Yeah. And I don't care either way. Give me your giant, massive Godzilla dick. Give me your baby dick. I don't yeah and i don't care either way right give me your giant massive godzilla dick give me your baby dick i don't care i don't care said the groomer said the groomer no but listen so this is but i this movie was so bloody so nasty so awesome so thrilling and a pretty clear-cut thrilling revenge tale which was so oh so i i need a lack in in my horror movies nowadays i need a revenge fantasy that has good good guys and bad guys and no ambiguity there's too much going on in the world right now

for me for there to be pirates and like i know i need i know that's even too much i need like you killed my family so i'm gonna kill you now that's it right i just need okay this person was wronged rightly they're going to get their just desserts, whatever. That's what I need. This is kind of pretty much what you get. Also with a saw 10, that's exactly what you got, but a little complicated anyways. So I just wish that instead of all of the ways that we depict violence, represent violence in the juiciest, goriest, nastiest way.

What if we did that with sex? Mainstream. I'm not talking about way. What if we did that with sex? Mainstream. I'm not talking about porn. Of course we've done that. But that's private, personal. I'm talking about mainstream representation. I know, but what? But Mary, you know that there's discourse now

about how if there's sex in movies, it shouldn't be there. So that is exactly what I'm saying. But we have no problem. There's no, I couldn't help but wonder, well, I'm clack, clack, clacking at my laptop in 1996, a la Carrie Bradshaw. I couldn't help but wonder why is there no discourse about the dumpster that got sawed off a woman's body in half and then her lower half was placed on the spike of a front of a store vagina slammed onto the spike for everybody to see that's okay but i can't see some titties my children can't

see some titties the same titties that they sucked on to get their life nourishing milk when they were young or they would have died huh red table talk yeah i mean listen i get it like but but i also think. What the fuck? I think any amount of censorship is stupid. Like in movies, the fact that on TV we even bleep an F word. You think I don't know at a five-year-old? You don't think I know that they're saying fuck?

I know. You think I don't know that? But words are words, though. Words are arbitrary. These breasts are real. And they're like, they're a part of life. But that, we don't want that accent to that person's head. That's something we don't want.

We do want breasts. We want breasts to give, to get sucked on and licked and rubbed on and, and whatever and felt up and, and all that kind of stuff. And whatever of all shapes. I think people think that we want women to squirt. I think people think that if a kid sees boobs or something, I don't know what will happen. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what will happen. Guess what?

They see them. They see them when they breastfeed from their mama's titties. Yeah. Like I just saw them. They saw them and they sucked on them. And what? Think about that. If you're like a young straight guy, the first time you put a titty in your mouth, you're

like, oh my God, this is my first time sucking on a titty. No, it isn't. The first was your mom, bitch. Mama. Yeah. Talk about that. Red table. Girl. Jada Pinkett. You about that. Red table. Girl.

You were running on her back. She threw it over her shoulder and you sucked on it like it was a camel backpack. Bam. The remix. Long stringy titties. Pasta. So I was like thinking about all this creativity, all of this, the cinematic tradition, because it goes, I mean, you know, we've been doing it for almost, I don't know, almost a hundred

years of violence in movies. And like there's the creativity, there's a reinvention. There's, um, there's such a, an ingenuity and, and,

um, inventiveness with it, how to depict it, how to represent it. If we had been doing that with sex rather than violence, mama, not only would we have been liberated, but there would be no war.

There'd be no war. It would just be a race to see, Hey, how fucking, I bet I can squirt more than you can, bitch. And you're like, oh, oh, you think so? Deborah? I'm like, yes, Diane, I do. Philip, get a couple of empty jars. It's squirting time. And people are like, this is stepmom.

Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is stepmom part three. This is stepmom part Yeah, exactly. This is Stepmom Part 3. This is Stepmom Part 3, the remix. This is Waterworld. Yeah. Honey, not Kevin Costner. Susan Sarandon.

Mad Max Fury River. I was watching some straight porn and one of the scenarios I scrolled across was Granny picks up unhoused teen and teaches them how to have sex let's take a break that's what i'm saying that's what i said i folded my dick up like origami and i put it away in the sock drawer i said we're done we're writing a little while girl like i know i know in the world we do falsome we do piss in the face whatever whatever. But straight people... Girl. Like straight people, the scenarios where it's like it's like those, it's like stepmom, but my granddaughter just got

home. It's lo-fi beats. It's too specific. Yeah. Getting put under at the dentist when right before he reaches his hand down my pussy, my ex comes in and they get in a fight and fuck in front of me. It's the detective, it's the footage,

the CCTV footage sent to Italy of me getting assaulted at the dentist because Hannibal Lecter was in the area at the time. Sponsored by CapCut. Vertical. Yeah, vertical. Vertical video. In backwards. Yes. So I have to tell you about something that happened. I told you a little bit on the phone. Wait, I'm going to check

my notes too because I made notes. I did make notes. I did something so horrible. Podcast topics. Thank you. I've been taking notes too because even I'm disappointed in us. Wait, these are from the show. Hold on.

Oh, Cole Escola's Our Home Out West. Oh, I haven't watched it yet. Mama, get ready. Take a big sip and get ready to prick those ears up because I'm going on a diatribe. Tell me. Thanksgiving. So I hosted at my house. You did not show up.

That's fine. Okay. I did something really underhanded, which was to go be with my family. And that was wrong of me. I'm sorry. And I'm never going to forget it. You're like, what about your chosen family? I will forgive you, but'm never gonna forget it you're like what about your chosen family i will forgive you but i'll never forget it no um so andrew and i and i it's hard to keep

pin me down when i have guests over i love to wander i love to wiggle i have to be alone i love to just like no because it's like you guys are coming up but thanks for coming over anyway have a great night and you just go to your room and close the door no i don't close the door but i kind of wander you know what i mean i go I go up, down. I'm all around. You're in the shower. I did take a shower. I did take a shower. I was in the shower while guests arrived. Love. I came out wet with the towels.

I was like, Christine. So anyways, Andrew literally had to. Christine, you're like, he's like, my name's Andrew. That's Eric. Andrew literally had to, he had to do everything but go grab me by the ear and sit me down in the thing to turn on Cole's thing. And I know Cole is great. Well, you're an entertainer, but you're not necessarily an entertainer.

I'm not an entertainer. I'm hard to be entertained. Well, you're not Martha Stewart. Am I a Nicki fan? I mean, am I a Martha fan? You're Patrick Stewart. Am I a Martha fan? Actually, mama, ask me if I can fold a fitted sheet.

Ask me, ask me, ask me. Can you fold a fitted sheet? Yes, I sure the fuck ask me exactly the way Martha Stewart cannot she humiliated this woman on her show watch it look it up fold a fitted sheet Martha Stewart she had

an expert who could do it and then she had a guest from the audience who couldn't do it and she humiliated this woman she humiliated this woman. She humiliated this woman. It was like, look at you. It was fierce. But Martha couldn't do it either. She couldn't do it either?

No, of course she didn't. Of course she didn't. Fucking bitch. Love her. Blast houses. Honey, Snoop Doggy Dogg. If you're going to read people, you better come in there and it better look, it better be a paper crane.

It better be perfect. You don't even do that. You say, this is my fitted sheet you pulled out from under the thing. I followed it earlier before you guys got here. Exactly. It's like, my souffle was made just this morning. Anyways, long story short, Cola Skol is our home out west.

A 30-minute masterpiece. I can't wait to see it. It's every single second is beautiful. Fabulous. Funny. Poignant. Actually. I mean,

I almost cried, Mary. He's amazing. He's a genius. And Macy Rodman, I'm not going to give it away. Macy Rodman is, have is featured as a whore.

And she says, well, they need more girls who know how to felch without throwing up. And then she goes, wait, her line delivery is just like, that's the, that's amazing.

You know what I mean? That's, I can't wait to see it. The cover art. First of all, I know it's supposed to be funny. He looks beautiful. The nerve of her.

She looks beautiful. I'm going to talk to, I'm talking to you, Cola, Scola, the nerve of you to put on lipstick and that's it. And look great. Not great.

Not great. Gorgeous. Right. I don't think a razor has ever touched that skin. She has like a demi lash on on the cover. Like it's like nothing. A demi lash. Like lashes, like baby individual lashes.

I don't think she even has lashes on. She's got a pencil thin brow. She's got's got full maybe half like she's got bare minerals a little bit of blusher a red red lip and the cunt that she serves is so fucking there's she comes out in this red dress and then a pink gauzy scarf and i'm like everybody every faggot in the room was like, like, it was so cunty. And it's just so funny. Amy Sedaris is in it. It is just, it's just perfection. It's perfection.

It's perfect. Is it, where's it available? YouTube. Oh, for free. Watch it on YouTube for free, people. Mimi, I'm first, third in the voting. I could not believe it. It was, it was, I mean, I don't want to gas it up so much.

In a time of Disney Plus being about $75.99 a week. And guess what? Guess what? Guess what rated it is? PG, of course. PG. Wow. I think, actually.

They say felch and it's PG. What's felch mean? We don't know. Exactly. The government doesn't tell us. But they don't say fucked, I don't think. Oh, my God. There's a moment where this guy has a –

What's the premise? Our home out west. So I'm not even going to tell you. Okay. I'm going to watch it. It's a western. It's a western. Okay.

That's all you need to know, right? Yeah. It's a western. It's a beautiful – It's just – Oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's so good. And it's just, oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's so good.

And it's actually, there's a moment where she's teaching a lesson to this young boy and it's done in a way that is, it is so beautifully poignant. And this is a extremely funny satire that is like so many layers of comedy. Slapstick, absurd, bizarre, dirty, dirty, pouty mouth um double entendres triple entendres whatever whatever and then and then it has this moment of sincerity where she teaches people where she teaches a boy why some people are intolerant and it's like like dab dab and then boom you can't cry because there's another joke it's fucking fierce i loved it so much in 30 minutes we love short sweetie that was love short 30 gorgeous perfect if short Sweetie that was it We love short

30 gorgeous Perfect If I ended the Titanic It would have been 25 minutes 22 With the commercials 22 with the commercials

Sitcom Totally Yeah yeah yeah It's like Oh my god 22 and a half Iceberg And then we go

You would go to a commercial break And they would be Just getting on the ship And after commercial break They'd be floating on the door Yeah no The old woman would just go That's it Yeah I would like to recap something that

occurred a couple weeks ago which is i was waiting outside my therapist's house and i had to pee so bad i had to pee so bad i wasn't sure i wanted to share this story but i was thinking about it today and i was like no no no no no no no no no no no no you need to write and this needs to be no no we're taking your headphones off part. We can still hear you. We're not off the air. If I can't hear it, nobody can. You have to save this story.

It's too good. Okay. Well then, you know what? Maybe some other point for the Patreon. I'm going to let you, I'm going to let them, the listeners that know at home that I heard this story on the telephone. I called you because you're the only person. I hope you take this the right way.

I know. I know. I know. I know. Exactly. Who can I tell that has been through something worse? E.T. And I called you and what I had done was so. So flagrantly bizarre. And so sex offender-y. Without being. It was so

John Waters-ish. It was so genitals in public. It was John Waters-esque. Yes. Yes it was. This is part of a John Waters movie. And because of the nature of it, I had to be so casual while it was happening. Like from the neck up, you would think I was daydreaming, but there was other stuff going on. It was Lynchian. It was the perfect, it was David Lynch

and John Waters and then you. It was Waterworld. It was a bug's life. Don't give it away. Okay, I'll tell later. Because you know why? This is going to be the cold open of a feature film. And I don't care if you write it or i write or somebody else write it it's brilliant it is going you can't tell the story promise i'll just say that it ends with david asking me why is there a huge hole in your

underwear okay perfect perfect leave it at that leave it at that i just said i don't know because he doesn't know it's so fucking weird the secret life of pets mama the secret the divine secrets of the ppee sisterhood. Okay. Next topic. I have to tell you about this. There's a TikTok thing going around. I don't know anything about TikTok. I'm sorry.

Apparently, straight guys spend a lot of time thinking about the Roman Empire. There's been a trend of girls going to their boyfriends, hey, just casually, do you ever think about the Roman Empire? And the straight guys are going all the time. That's so funny. You say that all the time.

Apparently straight guys think about it a lot. They walk into a room with like a pillar and they're like Roman Empire. They walk into a room with a bath. They're like, Oh my God, Roman baths. Straight guys are obsessed with the Roman Empire. I don't believe it.

Why? I don't believe this for a second. Here's why. Here's why. So I'm not to be a cynic and I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to know, but you honestly, I don't believe this for a second. Here's why. So I'm not to be a cynic and I'm not trying to know but you, honestly. I don't trust anything from online. Oh, like TikTok reporting? Yes, only because I know that.

I know from personal experience that my curated social media reality has no bearing whatsoever proportionally or to reality itself. So whatever the algorithm, whatever, you know, the algorithm of whatever social media platform is, is feeding me, curating for me. I have to, I intrinsically know to, or I intuitively know to mistrust, not trust that because it's all I need is three instances and it's a confirmed, not only a fact it's a commandment in the bible do you know what I mean?

if I see three things three rumors online it's not only true it's like you with Oprah you were next Oprah then you were on top of Oprah and then you were fucking Oprah and now you and Oprah were of Oprah. Right. And then you were fucking Oprah.

And now you and Oprah were married. You know, it's the whole thing. I don't need a lot to help me convince, convince me of untruths or false truths or whatever. Well, the other thing people are saying on Tik TOK, I guess there's a movement that Margot Robbie,

Margot Robbie is just mid looks wise, which is so fascinating and crazy and incredible and wild. So it's like people, it's like people on a, people on a green screen being like, everybody says she's pretty, but actually she's really mid. And wild. So it's like people, it's like people on a green screen being like, everybody says she's pretty, but actually she's really mid and here's why. Mid cum. Because the only thing she's mid is ropes.

Ropes. She's mid. Nerds ropes. She's in the middle of a stream of cum flowing from every single person's pussy and dick. And dick. And those without genitals. There's cum everywhere. And sexuals are gagged by her.

People with vasectomies. Thank you. Cum by her. People with vasectomies come watching her. People with vasectomies do cum. They just don't have any swimmers. There's still cum that comes out? Yeah. I thought nothing came out. No. I didn't know that.

No, that would be a castrato. Like if you take the balls off. I thought when you had a vasectomy, nothing came out. No, no. Vasectomy is just no more swimmers. No, you can't get somebody pregnant. Oh, my grandpa called it shooting blanks. Exactly.

But you're still shooting. Vasectomies are reversible. Honey, sweetie, darling. Here's my theory. Here's if I were the president. Okay. Madam president. I would do this.

No more drive. Okay. Cars illegal. Number one. We would, we would ramp up up we'd use all the money from the defense department to do trains mama the fiercest trains you've ever seen in your life three no more driver's license instead we would have every man not circumcised at birth vasectomy at birth and then upon 18 or 21 or whatever age the ovary-having health secretary decides,

they can reverse that after taking a long battery of tests and showing proof of income and a five-year plan to raise a child. Well – Does that sound like fascism? It – it's – I don't think – I don't think – It's just a rough rubric It's just an outline It's a slippery slope of like body autonomy

Except men fuck you and your dick But mama I think we gotta reverse the curse I think a little revenge is in order If we're talking like fantasy utopias You know what they pierce baby's ears at the hospital Might as well do the vasectomy Circumcision in general

What are we doing We're mutilating little boys penises Why ears at the hospital might as well do the vasectomy sweetie circumcision in general what are we doing I'll tell you what we're doing we're mutilating little boys penises why because that's for I would invite the listening audience to google it and do their own little research I'm not saying is it right or wrong

I'm saying it's wrong why did it start it's a long long long long long long history it's much too complicated for long, long, long, long, long history, okay? It's too much too complicated for us as comedian fools to get into, but I do encourage people to do their own research and then have

a discussion among themselves because not only is it baby genital mutilation I mean, that's what it is we're mutilating. I mean, I was circumcised, I wish I wasn't. But for what? There's, we don't have to answer that question. We just need to move on because it's way too complicated. Okay.

It basically so that my little... I'm going to do some... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I encourage you to do it. I'm going to do what we would do. I'm going to do what the girl should have done. I'm going to read a couple articles and then become an oppressively informed expert about this. And then any person you talk to will be like, did you know that I know some facts you definitely don't know about?

Well, I'm going to spit in your ear for 20 minutes. If I'm anywhere and someone says circumcised and I'm going to go, actually, what do you really like? It's going to be, yeah. And the people are going to want me around even less than they do now. Um,

my other thing I wanted to bring up was I found it on the internet that a lot of people's hamsters have gone up Richard gears ass. No. Okay. They hibernate in the winter. They hibernate. And a lot of people don't know that. And so their hamster gets dead and they throw it away while it's sleeping in the winter.

Oh, that's sad. So this is just a PSA. If you have a hamster, know that they might hibernate. And just because they're not moving, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Don't throw the hamster out with the winter. On the same topic, you know what my hamsters did? You know what I saw with my own two very fucking young eyes? Mama, that mother ate those children up.

Ate those red little babies up. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Especially if you touch them before they're... With a nice Chianti and some fava beans. The pink babies before they've grown a little bit, the mom will eat them. Don't touch the pink or they'll end up in the stink. Yeah.

Or like birds. Birds will just lay eggs hormonally and sometimes they'll get egg bound where they have an egg and it won't come out and they have basically like horrible stomach aches and die that's the two two two eggs french toast and bacon at the beach with cafe yeah so birds mary i'm up at my perch right on the third level i'm up there goonin sunset wise sunrise whatever you have the birds up there going in Sunset Wise, Sunrise, whatever you have. The bird's up there, sweetie. The bird watching the ornithology taking place. The owls. We were up there and it was like,

it's literally a cartoon. Hoot. With a crisp T. It's like, my name is Robert. I'm hiding in a tree and I'm doing an impression of an owl. Yeah. Hoot. Hi, my name's Robert. I'm 36 years old. I'm reading for the role of owl. Owl in the owl series series Hoot

No it was even more like Honestly hoot It was like It was like It was not convincing A human inflection Like it was crazy You're gonna turn on

Floodlight back there And see some guy up there It's gonna be It's gonna be a hereditary out there Yeah Some naked man Holding his weenie going Hoot

Oh yeah Oh yeah yeah But hawks Mary Hawks and eagles up there scary impressive awe-inspiring i'm talking wind wind span wingspans at least i think i would be this big because they're in the distance over by runyon and you can see them full size so you're like i see them like in the in the distance this big i'm like mama that's a big fucking bird yeah bitch and she is just like a quarter mile away and they look that

big honey they look they look just as big as airplanes from burbank airport yeah it's like it's truly gaggable and i'm and i'm watching them and i'm like oh my god this is the most beautiful thing in the world i would to be a bird there'll be an apex predator bird up there with not only x-ray vision but vision so piercing that you can like see just hundreds and hundreds of feet down and then just swoop down using wind power, just catching the glide and then snatch. And then it's so cunty. It's so cunty. They're flying up there like, y'all are fucking your planet up. I'll still be here.

They're like, mama, we were doing different stratospheres up here. Totally. Different oxygen levels. I know. We're traveling south. We're snowbirds. We're going to swoop down and steal people's dogs in levels. I know. We're traveling south. We're snowbirds. You know those big ones soup down and steal people's dogs in LA. I know.

Chihuahuas and stuff. Little babies too. My mom. My mom. Raised by wolves and hawks. I would say, we're towards the end here. I would say, come see us live. But our ticket sales are like 99%.

So obviously, y'all already know that. So thank you very much. It's so tough. You know, in this trying. I'm not going to be smarmy about it. I'm very yeah i am the fact that we are going out we don't have to promote it all i'm just like it's all right see you words there i know and also it let's not let's not get it twisted those last two shows in um new orleans and um uh uh houston probably best so fun so fucking fun so fucking fun i well we've been telling stories now that

what you guys the live pods when we're not recording we tell stories out of school out of pocket we're 100 out of pocket we got both pockets out it's red the red stage i'll probably tell that story yeah i won't let you i won't let you i'll do it be the red muzzle talk but but it was i had i got in the bathtub after that and I was like not only do I love my life am I a Nikki fan I'm like I was just like I was just like so filled with gratitude I was drowned in the tub twice I was until we arrived at 1 30 and I couldn't check until 4 30 that's tough that my gratitude came to a screeching halt oh my god I can't tell about my um well stay tuned for the next episode where I will discuss the fact that i got a massage by a man with a silicone dick fierce bye Bye.