The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Steam Room Karens & Pickle Juice Nightcaps with Justin Martindale and Trixie

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Comedian, writer, actor, and host of the podcast Just Sayin', Justin Martindale, joins Trixie for an extraordinarily engaging chat about the perils of covid car comedy, serving Kim Kardashian a valley latte, and preventing a significant portion of West Hollywood from falling deeply in love in a steam room. Follow Justin: @JustinMartindale Listen to Just Sayin' with Justin Martindale: https://link.chtbl.com/YeU4e0Qz Check out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Therapy Online. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bro, I was like making prison wine. I was like, let's ferment grapes in the kitchen. And you're like, I'm going to become a DJ. Well, I always wanted to learn, but it was like, it's very overwhelming to learn. It was very intimidating. Have you ever been like, you've been to gay clubs where you know the DJ and you go back to the DJ, but it was like, it's very overwhelming to learn. It was very intimidating. Have you ever been like, you've been to gay clubs where you know the DJ and you go back to the DJ area and you're like, is this Star Trek? Yeah. Everything is flashing and beeping and something's smoking.

And there's like the smallest touch. It's just a. That's the thing. And every, at any given moment, one button away from the music halting. So there is a little high stakes there. What was your COVID activity? and crying love and and uh unemployment did you really just get covet again yeah all of us did it was like the thing to do in montreal yeah because we both saw each other maybe a month ago at the just for laughs festival yeah i didn't get coveted when i was with you a lot so you can't kill what's already dead you know it's like can't catch it twice can't catch it this was like my ninth time

to get it and i just stayed home i got home and everyone was like well i feel like i've got it and i i just don't tell myself i just know yeah so it's like oh i got scratchy throat i'm fatigued and i'm tired it could be jet lag but i knew better and i was like let's just stay home i'm not saying i'm a conservative but but. Well, you just did. I trust your instincts that you have COVID about as much as I trust those little fucking tests. I don't know. Those tests are sometimes bogus. You know what's weird?

You know, this is what's so bizarre is that I went to a bar. I can't remember what city I was in, but they had the little swap test that you can test if there's like ghb or something in your drink and i'm like oh i love that how far we've come i know have you ever done ghb no oh no i can't do like hard drugs because i feel like i'd be that one person who's like it took a weird turn and then i'm like jumping off a boat or something you know like that would be like yeah like everyone else is like i had no side effects and meanwhile i'm like girl just foaming i'm also that person where when everyone's hung over no one's hung over i'm on death's door yeah like you know um you know once in a while if people do poppers their brain explodes i'm like well then i'm not doing that can't do poppers

no can't do it we're not doing that i don't like it yesterday i was spray painting and it reminded me of poppers because this like the head like and i was like ew yeah poppers are you i'm sorry i love everyone you've heard it first you once it's trickled down to your straight girlfriend who's doing with the bar we don't need to do them anymore i think thank you thank you good i remember going to a bar like years ago and there was like a whole bunch of girls like i want to say it was like mickeys or something i might have been there with them and i think that might have been the last time i did them where they were like let's do them and i was like what are or something. I might've been there with them. And I think that might've been the last time I did them where they were like, let's do them.

And I was like, what are we doing? I know. Like, are we talking in a garage? That's what I'm saying. Are we 22? Yeah.

Are we taking our straight girlfriend from college to the gay bar for the first time? We don't have to do all that. By the way, I guess I should intro Justin. You guys have noticed that we have somebody much more better looking. We have somebody funnier and more famous in the chair today. This is my

friend justin martindale one of my first friends i made in los angeles yes we've made it and i'm not bald and i mean actually the opposite of bald i don't want to put you on blast but beautiful your hair has always been just beautiful thank you it's real i'm glad i have it it's just beautiful it's um can you turn i mean can the kids at be kids at home? Look at that, you guys. And what are you, in your 50s? You still have a forehead? Can you believe that? That's amazing.

It's actually a lace front. You can get it at justinmerndale.com. But Justin is a very, very decorated comedian. If I remember correctly, you are one of the only, like, currently working young, hot comedians who have their name on the wall at the comedy store. Yeah. I mean, well, yes,

youngest for sure. I guess tell them what the comedy store name on the wall means. The comedy store name on the wall means that you have been hand selected by the best of the best. And Mitzi Shore was the owner of the club. She started in the late 70s and she discovered people like Robin Williams Arsenio Hall David Letterman Jay Leno Roseanne oh um I know Sandra Bernhardt you know when I see Roseanne's name on that wall I think of Roseanne at that time going

up on this wall for sure and so great yeah for sure but I mean all the legends all of them and so I was the last person that she saw when she was alive. And I was the last person she handpicked as a paid regular. Now it's kind of like, you know, you kind of like pay your dues and gradually get to that point. But like, I was like the last lightning strike. It's like winning drag race now. Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, it's very like she walked by me one night and just saw me on stage and was like, he's got it. And that was it. But I was so new and so dumb. Like I had no idea what any of it meant. They were like, okay, put in your avails for the week, which means, you know, when, when you're available to perform.

And I was like, oh, this is like my job now. Oh, so once you're on the wall and you're like a regular rotating, they just schedule you weekly because you now represent the store. Yeah. So every night of the week, it's like you're getting headliners from all over the country, like the best of the best. And some of those nights you're just like, I can't believe I paid $20 to just see this like all stars, all stars.

Yeah. When I was doing like pre-COVID, when i was doing gigs around i would pick up the weirdest dumbest little back alley comedy gigs but because it's la you never know who's going to be there exactly it could just be fred armisen yeah it could just be i mean and you and also not only people who are famous but you never know what comic you're working with where like two weeks later their special comes out and they're suddenly god yeah like that whore yeah from two weeks ago in the dressing room i mean it's i didn't think she was funny no exactly but i mean like if you look at people like right now it's it's matt rife and matt rife is i remember when he was like a 17

year old kid waiting outside of the laugh factory and then during covid he just started putting like clips of him outside of like comedy shows in LA. Cause you know, we had to like be outside and he just like blew up. And now he has like a worldwide sold out tour till like 2025 or something like that. It's insane. It's amazing. I mean, I didn't, was it, I think the last comedy gig I did was like, God, it was like right before COVID honestly. Like when I was doing the gig gigs and I did a Tsuko show at the Largo and I was like oh she's

fun she's cool earrings I like her lipstick I love her bowl cut I'll do your show weird and fun and then now she's like you know the bowl cut goddess bowl cut goddess so you know which is good for her but um not to blow you up too much but you were when I first moved to LA you and I have mutual friend of my ex my my former manager diana coney yes hi diana uh wherever you are wherever she is p town somewhere guzzling springs vibing girl yep um she introduced me and you lived down this i don't want to say where you used to live well they can't kill you now you don't live there well you used to live like basically on the block of the comedy store yeah and i remember i went with you and you were like let let's go to my gig tonight.

And I was like, cool. And you put on your leather jacket and went to like this with your hair, which looked perfect. And then we walked one block and you just got up there and did your 15. I was like, this is crazy. Yeah. It's like the opposite of drag because it's your real self. And it's like a short and hot, quick performance.

For sure. Where it's like amazing or miss flop and it wasn't even a very full room that day yeah and you fucking laid those whores out let them have it i was like how did i beat my first friend end up being someone who was so fucking great at what they're doing yeah i remember like you got like right off the bus literally i think you really were diana was like, oh, you know, I've got Trixie, her season's coming out.

And I remember being like, oh my God, this is so crazy. I was like, how, well, how did she place? And she's like,

well, I think she's like fifth or something like that. Were you sixth or fifth? Who cares? Oh, the days. I think I was sixth.

I don't even know. We all think you were sixth. You're like, we all think you were first. Yeah, we all, in our hearts, you were first. But I in our hearts you were first.

But I remember the door opening and Pennywise is standing in the doorway. And I was like, oh my God, what is this chaotic Barbie? And I was like, oh my God, I'm obsessed. And yeah, it was just so fun. And you were just like, I'm here, I'm new. And it's just so exciting to see how much you've just blown up over the years. Physically. Physically blown up.

Yeah. Like we need Ozempic. I know. You know, I have lost some weight, and everybody keeps commenting, Ozempic queen. You? Yeah. You've always looked like this. Thank you.

You're just like getting older and like, you know, it's like you're settling, you know? The baby pounds are coming off. No, it's not settling. It's sort of like, you know when you cook deer meat to become a jerky? Do I? I'm just getting more dehydrated. Oh, you're dehydrated. I'm losing weight.

I'm drying like weed in the oven. Rumpelstiltskin, like electric food dehydrator. Rumpelstiltskin. Sort of just, you know, gaunt perhaps. I just ran into Devin Green and she said, our cheekbones could have a fist fight and i said are you gonna hurt me devon green's face her cheekbones could cut diamonds like it's just uh she's so beautiful i just saw her recently she's so beautiful so

funny but i mean i know we're not supposed to when we talk about people who are very talented especially women i feel bad immediately talking about how beautiful they are but i also feel like well devon puts a lot of work into her hair and makeup she probably wants people to notice that she looks great that whore that whore is one of the most beautiful faces i've ever seen in my life yeah it's just bones skin teeth and eyes it's yeah it's just like a forensic stream yeah that's not a very good way to describe it she's just a bag of bones, teeth, glass, and hair. Well, you know, the crowd I run with takes a lot of... Yeah.

You know, and she probably gets out of bed looking pretty fucking great. Like, she just looks like a romance novel cover. Yeah. Like, she's just like... Well, that's like your hair. Yeah, well, this, yeah. Well, this is my dark phase. I got rid of the blonde.

You were blonde. Were you living, though? I was living, and, this, yeah. Well, this is my dark phase. I got rid of the blonde. You were blonde. Were you living, though? I was living, and then I missed it. I missed the brown. I was just like, who is this facade? Do you feel more grounded? Do you feel more like- I feel grounded, yeah.

I'm in my new era. I'm in my brunette fall era. You feel like Kyle Richards now. Like, everyone else around you is all blonde and pumped, and you're like, but I'm brown hair. I'm the girl down the street. Kyle Richards. Do you feel like Kyle Richards? Yeah, I look in the like, but I'm brown hair. I'm the girl down the street. Kyle Richards. Do you like Kyle Richards?

Yeah. I look in the mirror and I go, you are Kyle Richards. Yes. We're going to Aspen. Whenever I see it. What's the hat store she goes to? A girl. Who knows?

What is it? It's like, it's like, it has, it's not Bottega Louie. It's something. Kimo Sabe. Kimo Sabe. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, white girls love those big dumb hats. I hate a big dumb hat. Those like big, that's the punk is by sort of Freddy Krueger.

It's right around the corner. It's happening now. Pound on the glass table. By the way, can you believe all this decoration and this stupid little Barbie plant? No, I love this. I want to do this with my podcast. I want like, like just knickknacks

and trinkets and treasures. Well, you know how we did did this katya and i came in on a day off on our own time and decided that they should do it oh good good but we started placing items over here like making a pile of like hey when we eventually do this and then a lot of this is just fan art and shit i love it whatever you know so how long have you lived in Los Angeles? God, girl. Shit. I think this month actually is like my, yeah, it'll be like my 18th year, I think. 17th or 18th year. How old are you? I don't want to talk about this.

You really, you honestly have not aged a moment since I met you. I know, and I want to keep it like that. I'm a vampire, you guys. You're being no work no botox no filler nothing just formaldehyde yeah just just gin in a bottle i just i just when i go to sleep it's a jar of pickle juice it's all it is yeah you say good night babe and you kiss your lover on the lips and you grab lover on the lips yes and you grab that drum of formaldehyde and pull it down over you i actually bought michael jackson's uh crypto uh

elephant man uh casket that i sleep in every night yeah i don't are we allowed to talk about michael jackson ever again no next question so many parts of michael jackson's existence are funny and fun and pop culture like you know it's like anna nicole like just like an icon well yeah but if he if he did do some of the things that people said he did, then it's like even bad to, you know. This took a turn. Okay, we don't have to talk about it. Well, honestly, people react so strongly. I just did a gig where almost at every gig in the last year, I've played that Purple Disco Machine remix of About Damn Time by Lizzo.

Yes, yes. It's a great beginning. Purple Disco Machine is everything. Everything. I love them so much. Is it just one person? It's one person. Yeah, it's a great beginning. Disco machine is everything. I love them so much. Is it just one person? It's one person. It's a guy, right? I think he's like a German straight guy.

Of course. Which means the gayest music you've ever heard. If you guys don't know purple disco machine, he remixes and makes like, um, basically revamps old disco tracks and turns them out. Yeah. But I played that about damn time remix.

The one that won the Grammy this year. And it usually gets the drunk people going. And it was the week of the allegations. And even without them being proven or disproven, the room went silent. Yeah. People need to calm down and just wait for updates. I'm like, so before you even know what happened, you just are like afraid of this track playing. But then if I literally play a Michael Jackson track early in the set, no one cares.

So I'm like, what, what, what, what, what, what? Where do we draw the line? i don't know i think it's just very strange how people just jump to conclusions and being like she's ruined it's just like it it happened like two hours ago i know get the facts straight all this kind of stuff it's like with with the joe what's his name joe jonas and his wife sophie they just got divorced but like over the weekend it was like they took his ring off they're not talking and now they're like, they just got divorced. But like over the weekend, it was like, they took his ring off. They're not talking. Da, da, da, da, da.

And now they're like, oh, they're divorced. Well, do you remember the Try Guys scenario? The which one? The Try Guys? Yes. Do you remember that? I think one cheated on his wife or something. Yes.

And they acted like he was Osama bin Laden. Yeah. Like. Triterrorism. Yeah. Divorce or what is it uh infidelity infidelity affairs polyamory like that is like one of the most prevalent things in marriages i'm like can we all act like why are we all gonna act like our lives are perfect when somebody else fucks up

why are we all gonna act like our lives are fucking perfect i know i don't get it i don't get it and that's what i like to do in in my standup is kind of let everyone know like, Hey, we're all, we all make mistakes. We're all trash. Yeah. Look at me.

That should be the name of my next special. We're all trash. We're all trash. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere, and they never expire.

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It is, but I'm ready. I know that I can only scratch the surface of what you guys do, which is put them out annually. Have you done a comedy record? I haven't done a record, but my special came out. My first special came out last year on out TV, which is, which was great. It was called gay bash. And, um, I had a great, a great time doing it. It was like the comedy store opened it up. They were like, you know, it's so weird because everything thinks that like, if it's not streaming,

then it's not valid. You know what I mean? So the comedy store is just like, it's so weird because everything thinks that like, if it's not streaming, then it's not valid. You know what I mean? So the comedy store is just like, let's start putting out specials. Like it's, this is it, this is our home. Let's just do an hour and film it and put it out there.

Yeah. And it was just very raw and very new and very me at the time. And then, you know, this next one, obviously I want it to be bigger and better, but like, it's,

it's that, it's that like, oh, it's not valid unless it's on Netflix or Hulu or HBO or whatever. I'm sorry. Max. Girl, when I, I, one of my specials got a Critics' Choice Award nomination like two years ago, maybe. And everybody else in the category was like, their special was Netflix or Peacock. And mine was from my YouTube channel.

Yeah. And I've never felt more like the hills have eyes at an event where i was just like what about my special you know they're like oh what network what network is your special on um my youtube channel and they're like have a great night but that's the thing a lot of people are doing that now because it's just like you can you have the control over the views what what you want to put, what you want to say. All that stuff is on YouTube. A lot of the streamers are just like, let's cut this, you know, because it might be a little problematic or whatever.

But it's like, at least with YouTube, you have like full access to whatever you want to say. And I think that's very important. Well, especially with comedy. Why are you buying a special if your instinct is to tell people what not to say in that special if there's one group of people that doesn't like to be told what to say i think it's comics for sure like what this is the one business where your job is to get up there and say whatever you think right so what the fuck are you telling me to say like and who are you to have problems with my stuff you know what i mean who are you to center yourself as like

the moral compass but here's the thing everyone's a troll now i know i am everyone's a troll you don't troll people no i don't troll people but i have been trolled long enough of course and now i think it's actually very amusing i'm finally getting trolled i feel and when you when you get trolled that's when you know you're doing good what do they say about you um you know not funny kill yourself you know the use so you got my text and i'm like exactly i got your text voicemail yeah yeah tweet i don't get i've gotten a couple like the the voice dms and then i like and then i get into my head i'm like what does this person look like where are they in their house do they have a house you know is this just

like a click they send a voice dm of like hey bitch yeah i hate you bye what what do they say and it's like always zero follows zero posts like that like so they take time to create a fake account to hate me that's and that means a lot that's so crazy we'll get with david got um david and i got one the other day that was like because you know i made david be on season one of Trixie Motel. So I think he thought everyone was going to hate him. And instead, of course, his DMs are like 18-year-olds being like, daddy. Oh, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, if you're gay and you have lived at all, you are daddy. Yeah. To like 12-year-olds in, you know, Pennsylvania, whatever. I'm zaddy now. Oh, you're zaddy. I'm zaddy. I've skipped the daddy. Yeah.

What's the difference? I don't know. I think a zaddy is just more like Hammer dick, you know, I've been called worse Yeah, no, I just think it's just like a like mmm. I don't know. I think it may be a little gay or daddy Oh, I it's like like it like when you have such a bad lisp that you can't say DS bad lisp that you can't say d's like he's a sotty some real friends of we hope did you watch that no i know joey though i met one of them at starbucks the other day he's very sweet joey joey zazig he's the one he he sounds like he's i don't know where he's from it's like very

like he sounds very east coast and it's very like this. Okay. Is he really tan? Dark hair? Tall? At the time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yes. I watched the show because I like to support the women,

the gays. Yeah. The girls. Um, and it was, people really rejected that show. People hated it, but they hated it.

I think without even watching it, they hated the idea. Because it interfered with drag race. Yeah, of course. God forbid these fags on tv get in the way of me watching these fags on tv exactly we all have people why are y'all acting like it's 1994 and you follow the cable schedule you all watch it whenever you want anyway yeah what does it fucking matter although it cut into the 90 minute like drag race right do you really think down at viacom there was a bunch of people around a round table and they said well we have this show called real friends of weho

should we cauterize and neuter our juggernaut success drag race i think we should press the button i guarantee drag race was cut down to an hour before that show was even pitched yeah i guarantee if you guys think that that show was shortened for Real Friends of WeHo, I have a fucking iceberg I want to sell you, bitch. Like, what are you... People are so crazy. Oh, yeah.

People are so... But people don't understand. People, they're not in the industry. They don't know how it works. R.I.P. That's a show that I miss was... What was it?

The Real... Or the other two. Oh. Did you watch the other two? Yeah, some of it. The industry. Just... You guys don't get it. You guys don't get it. You're watch the other two? Yeah. Some of the industry just, you guys don't get it. You guys don't get it. You're not in the industry.

You're not in the industry. You're not in the industry. You're invisible. I mean, not in the industry. You're actually very lucky. Yeah. You know what I was thinking the other day?

I don't have a personal Instagram. I only have like drag Instagrams. When I go to people's, Oh, you don't have your Instagram. I don't have like a Brian Instagram. A Brian. Yeah.

So all my social media is just Trixie. And when I go to people's Instagrams that are normal people who are performers i'm like i'm like a picture of a dog oh a sunset oh great emotions but then i'm like well what would i post if i wasn't cross-dressing probably fucking my breakfast and a dog like i don't know i don't have a dog and i'd be like here's my dog i would just i think i'd fabricate you you get into the trends though i've seen you doing like the like instagrams are like you're like changing shirts i'm like the things i will listen the the things i will do to sell something don't ever underestimate me it's about damn time the other day i did do fully like a outfit jump like because i was showing the motel merch and by the way can i tell you i have never felt more fucking elderly than jumping like

snapping and changing outfits is what tiktok circa 2013 like it's not 13 probably it's not even like the way people used i was using a like in a time warp, like Marty McFly back to the future. That's how people use TikTok like eight years ago. And here I am being like, snap, new outfit. And like, there's no joke to it. No. I think people watched it waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I just, I actually participated earnestly in changing outfits on TikTok.

And I wanted to die immediately. Do you edit that yourself? Here's me going, how does it work? Like. like i did i spent time doing it myself how long did it take 40 minutes god yeah i was listen whatever is it cap cut no i like splice okay i like splice okay squarespace yeah today i want to talk to you about squarespace i'm not going to make you read ads while you're here i would love to read an ad. We could have a blonde wig in here and some red lipstick and been like, Katya's here to read an ad.

I'm doing great. She wishes. She wishes. Your cheeks are so full. Thanks. And she, well, you know,

she looks like I'm working out now. You are. I did. How's that going? Not like I did. I'm doing. Yeah. You look trim. Thanks.

I had to. I, cause it's like I did. I'm doing. You look trim. Thanks. I had to. Because it's like during COVID and then after like COVID, I kind of like slipped off. I kind of quit my gym because I was just, I just want a gym to work out. I don't need a gym to like hook up. Absolutely not. Right? I'm not doing that.

I'm sorry. Okay. And I'm not judging you if you do, but like, and I, and I want to go to a gym where I can use the machines and not have people just sit there looking on their phones. I, I, it drives me insane. So I left my gym and then I didn't go for like five months. And then I started seeing pictures of myself and I'm like,

who is this manatee on stage? Right. And it was me. I was the problem. It's me. Yeah. And then like two months ago i joined a gym and i'm just like every day i'm in and out just taking these classes just letting every just

throwing bean bags it's great you have to just go for it it's so good i think maybe you experience this i feel like when i was younger younger younger i my internalized fear of my gayness and stuff made me so scared to go to places where people are doing fitness or athleticism. Because I'm like, I don't belong. I don't belong. Go back to the mall, bitch. And everyone's just like.

Everyone's just hot and like, you know. It's like that scene in Mean Girls where everyone's walking in slow motion to pass the Dutch by Missy Elliott. Yes. Where it's just like. I love that song. Oh, me too.

But it's slow motion, everyone's judging you. And you know, I had a steam room incident where I was just like, I can't do this. Did you get jerked off? Thank you. No, I did not. But I like I got in there and I sat down and then the steam subsided and everyone was just like, and I'm like, OK, this is not. And then I became a steam room Karen and I went to the front desk and was like, just to let you know. And everyone else can know.

There is a full on porn happening in the steam room. And the guy was like, not again. And then they closed the steam room for like five weeks. You did this? You are whistleblowing on the queer community and people were like they're like a republic said something about the steam room and i was like oh what a travesty indeed by the way now they're just gonna jerk off on the elliptical i know now at least the steam was protecting you now was it though well now they're gonna be like kachi's not here today

getting coveted in the steam room. Love. Which one did you go? Did you go to the Crunch? Ding. Oh, it's reputation still lives on. Well, no, they all are nasty because I went to the 24-hour fitness on Santa Monica for years. And that one, everyone said is the hookup one.

I never saw sex there. No, but I never went to the steam room. I think that's where it happens. Yeah. And everyone says that happens everywhere. And I have not seen anything like that. Actually, I do take it back because it was the first time I was at my gym now. But I went to the Beverly Hills location and it was like seven o'clock in the morning. And I went down to the locker room and all of a sudden I heard,

and I was like, has it, is it, am I, it follows right now. Is this where it, this is my destiny. And so of course me,

I'm alone in the locker room and I'm like, Nancy drew over here, like going over to the, going into the bathroom. And there's two guys in the handicap stall just going at it. And I'm like, you know what? Let them live live you had an

we had a metamorphosis now you're fine with it yeah i've grown you heard just like uh yeah it just sounded like the beginning of like britney spears slave for you like i see you i see you and i just want to dance with you uh yeah yeah and i was like you know what this is probably just two straight men who hate their lives in a handicap stall who am i no one i'm not saying i've never had sex in a bathroom but i'm saying for me personally bathroom smells don't go with sexy time bathroom smells bathroom smells if you're in bed having sex and you smell a bathroom smell everything comes to a screeching everything stops so why in the in the second floor of the macy's yeah at the in the handicap stall are we just smelling piss and shit and fucking?

But it's Macy's, so it's like... Yeah. Well, actually, it was Saks Fifth Avenue. Well, even better. Kind of better, right? Yeah. Now, in the hierarchy of department stores, like Saks Fifth Avenue, Macy's, Nordstrom's, what's the best and the worst? Macy's is the worst, right?

Like to have sex in a department store? No, like... Oh. Like Saks is the fanciest, right? Yeah, Saks is the... And then Nordstrom, worst? Macy's is the worst, right? Like to have sex in a department store? No, like... Oh. Sax is the fanciest, right? Yeah, Sax is the... And then Nordstrom, and then Macy's. I would say Nordstrom, Macy's, Bloomingdale's. Yeah.

And then... Whatever else. Like H&M. Mary, that's not a department store. No, Zara. That's also not a department store. Zara's not a department store? Do you know what not a department store Zara's not a department store? Do you know what a department store means?

It's a store with departments in it Hello darkness my old friend No like a main Like a main Yeah I think that's it Well what if it's one of those giant H&M's That has like H&M home

Maybe that's a department store Is there an H&M home? Yeah right They have like You know like big Urban Outfitters Will have like the home section Urban Outfitters What a time

Primark has a home section too I think Were you ever retail gay? No No you were a time. Primark has a home section too, I think. Were you ever retail gay? No. No. You were a food service gay. I was a food service gay. And you worked at the Fred Siegel, didn't you? I did.

Good memory. What's the tea at the Fred Siegel? Oh, what do you want to know? Well, you used to wait on the Kardashians famously. I had, I mean, I had them all. Like it was like early, it was like the aughts. Yeah. And I remember.

It was before they were what they are now. I was like early. It was like the aughts. Yeah. And I remember. It was before they were what they are now. I was the worst. I was good at my job. But like if you just if you asked a dumb question, I was going to give you a dumb answer. Mind you, I had been out all night doing spots around town and then I had to go in to the breakfast shift. You know, it was like you get there at like nine o'clock and you set up and then the doors open at 10 and then you're hung over, you're just beat, you're rotted, but you're trying to pull it together

and you're making like coffees and fucking croissants for people. And I remember there was a time when I had, I had a couple of heartbreaking moments where, you know, I'm going up to people and I'm pouring their iced tea and they're like, were you at the improv last night? And I'm pouring their iced tea and they're like were you at the improv last night and i'm like yeah they're like you're really funny can i get more tea and i'm like at least they said you were funny they did they could have been like you weren't funny can i get more tea but i did have like my my best kim kardashian moment was

kim came in by herself um she sat at a table there was nobody else in the restaurant it just opened and i'm just not having it and they're like Kim's at like table five or whatever and I'm like God not like this so she was like regular

it was like Miss Kim she was like a regular but they did like call the paparazzi on themselves to be like we're eating we're eating

it's wild stop it we're eating guys just leave us alone we're having carrots yeah baby carrots they brought their own baby carrots

Sophia Richie would bring her own vegetables, just saying. Love. And so Kim came in one time and I went up to her and I was like, and you have to act like you don't know them, you know, because whatever. And I was just like, hi, what can I get for you? And she goes, do you guys have like a latte? And I go, well, we have a latte. We don't have like a latte.

Word. And she was like, uh-huh. And like totally didn't get it. You know what's insane about that is you would have like these Sophia Richies, these Kylie and Kendall would come in all the time and, you know, they'd leave and you're just like, I'm just trying to work. Can you just move? But like then all of a sudden you would have like Sally Field,

John Malkovich sitting like by themselves and no one's giving a shit it's that's what infuriated me i was like like i'm gagging over like sally field eating with her gay son and no one cares right well you know what that is it's because the person that buys that clicks on articles or buys magazines or whatever is a certain age group and if that age group doesn't know who John Malkovich is, they aren't going to... You think the teen, the thing that's going to get traction on Twitter

is like, John Malkovich spotted drinking coffee. I wish. I just saw Dangerous Liaisons the other night and I was like, God, he was so good in that movie. I have... Do you know Dangerous Liaisons?

Isn't he in Good Will Hunting? That's the only thing I can think of. Oh, it's Cruel Intentions. It's Cruel Intentions version. Well, he was... No? Isn't he in Good Will Hunting? That's the only thing I can think of. Close, Cruel Intentions. It's Cruel Intentions version. Well, he was, no, he wasn't in Good Will Hunting. No, he was in Being John Malkovich. I just watched The Flash the other night. Well, someone needed to.

I loved it. Well, another celebrity moment in my history was Ellen DeGeneres was there once. And I looked at her and it was like looking into the eyes of Medusa. And this was like before, you know, the scandal or whatever. Well, she has blue eyes. And in defense, people with piercing blue eyes look crazy all the time. They do. People with that blue of eyes, you're like, if you looked right at me, would I turn to stone?

It's just. And she just looked at me and was like, no. It's like a Halloween decoration. decoration yeah it's like it's like people with those blue eyes and huskies with those blue eyes i'm just like yeah it's just creepy blue spooky yeah but i mean i had some good times in there and i left because i got a writing gig and then the rest is history yeah it was a good time and it's crazy too because i have to park there still to get to the improv in that parking lot. Oh my God. So every now and then I see like the cafe's new class and they're all like, that's Justin.

He used to work. And I'm like, dream on children. Is it like a lot of like actors and stuff who work in there? I don't know. I don't really think so. There's people who've worked there for a long ass time. But Mike Wilson's the manager there. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You you know it's so funny i'm always thinking like that in la like everybody who works and waits table is like an aspiring actress or whatever what i've learned living here is everybody wants to be an actress or musician has rich parents and has no job yeah so they're not like they're not putting their dues in no that girl that girl that girl from that movie you love two years ago was not waiting tables and discovered do you want to hear something crazy? This is a story. I'm so glad I remember this.

So there was like years ago, it was probably like, it was probably right when I got passed at the comedy store. So it was like 2009. I worked at this hotel in West Hollywood and I had to get up at like five or six o'clock in the morning, even way earlier to do room service for the breakfast. And this is back when I didn't have a car, but I lived right down the street. And so one morning I'm walking to the hotel and this pickup truck pulls up next to me

and he's like, where are you going? And I'm like, I'm going to work. He goes, need a lift? And I'm like, no, I'm good. He goes, want a blow job? And I'm like, no. And he's like, well, you look like you need one. And I'm like, well, thank you, sir.

But no, I have to go to work. And he's like, all right. And he drove off. And I got to the hotel. I was like, oh my God, I think someone just thought I was a prostitute. And I said, when I said I had to go to work, he probably thought like, I'm going to work as a prostitute in the morning. I was like, do I look like a morning prostitute to you? You know, not to be dumb, but I bet a lot of prostitutes work that shift going into work. Not to be dumb, but I bet a lot of prostitutes work that shift going into work. Yeah. Because some people will probably leave early for work and then have a prostitute gig, like hire a prostitute on the way to work.

Yeah, probably. But then I go into work. Is it okay to say prostitute? We can say- Sex worker? Prostitute. What's fine? Let's bring up courtesan again.

I'm just a courtesan. Prostitute's fine. Hooker's not okay. say it's fine hooker's not okay hooker's fine i i think we're not shaming anyone is escort okay escort's fine okay i think everything's fine but ford escort ford escort honda honda elantra toyota son or whatever so i'm working with this guy named robbie right? And Robbie and I did the morning shift a lot and he was in a band. So I would do comedy at night and he would go play gigs around town on Sunset and stuff. Straight guy? he gets married he is now married to elizabeth olsen scarlet witch and like everyone's journey is different i was like oh my god here i am as a stand-up comic and now he's like this rock and

roll guy married to elizabeth olsen i'm like wow like what and i could say like yeah i used to work with that guy so wild some people move on to better things yeah some don't yeah and here we are here in my ex my ex bedroom filling in for a crackhead with COVID. I'm right here. Crackhead with COVID. Can we say hooker? No, I don't think we can. Crackhead?

Totally fine. Well, she has COVID and she originally was like, can I just zoom in? And I was like, we're not going to put a MacBook on the chair and talk to you. Yeah, what is this, 2020? can I just zoom in? And I was like, we're not going to put a MacBook on the chair. What is this?

2020. You know what? I never participated in what zoom stand up. Never kill me. I never participated. And I also didn't participate in parking lot stand up, but you did. Didn't you?

It was it like being in the movie cars. What was it like being in the movie cars? No, it was like, you know what? Now that you mentioned that, it's like being in the movie cars no it was like you know what now that you mentioned that like being in christine yeah it was like it was like you're in a drive-in theater it was like do you remember pb's big adventure yeah of course when he's introducing his movie at the end in the drive-in it was like that it was like you go up it was the most bizarre thing tammy joe dearin bless her put together this comedy show in the magic castle parking lot

and it was like this weird like rascal flats video set with like hope floats like wooden deck with like exposed lights with like fourth of july banners and i'm from texas so that's my interpretation of it um sounds like cracker barrel bitch very outdoor cracker shake. And all these cars are lined up. And they're clapping with their headlights. So what? During the set or no? Huh? At the end or at the beginning of it?

During. And then they give them little clappers, you know, like those carnival clappers. So they'd stick them out the windows and you just hear, shut your fucking mouth. Shut your mouth. That literally sounds like- They dial in on a radio channel to like hear us oh it was so bizarre i remember me i remember margaret show sherry shepherd like jamie kennedy and we're all like back backstage and we're like is this it like is this what we're doing now and it was so bizarre but it was so fun and it was just still an outlet for us to like express ourselves and perform but yeah that was who i didn't do any of the zoom

because i had my birthday that month march and you sent me a very sweet video message um for my birthday but i was like i had plans that week i was ready to go out then it was like and i was like the first zoom like birthday i remember that it must have been like mid-march yeah it was mid-march march 20th was my birthday you know i i didn't do the zoom or i didn't do the the drive-in stand-up thing because i guess i thought like if they didn't like your jokes they just pull the e-brake and car rolls you over and like that's it like you know i don't know i just light a match in their car well i guess the people could like hotbox themselves

and like, I don't know. I think that's what it was. Everyone got stoned because you'd see like smoke coming out of the windows. But I think like, I don't know, seeing someone on stage

and like turning on the radio to hear their voice would have felt very like War of the Worlds or something to me, like dystopian. Oh, what a great reference. I love that movie.

Yeah. Sort of like, we live in a time where stand up is outside. I don't know. I couldn't, I'm glad I didn't do it it but when i did come back from covid and have to start doing gigs again it did feel like improv level one it was like oh god i hate all my old jokes it was improv level one i haven't been working i don't have any new jokes well and

that's what's funny too because there was a time when like after we started going back into the clubs everyone was like covet am i right i'm not in covet when what so there was like that time and now it's just kind of like taboo if you mention it unless you know we surge again actually seven new strains developed while we were talking i bet this podcast i know i was talking to michelle collins and we were talking about love her love yeah oh yeah you're a good friend i just think she's one of the people that knows every gay person. She's amazing. No, but she we're talking about like she was she was the first one who was like she was like, I don't want to out her, but she was like, you know, I'm not conservative, but

like I don't think everything everyone always says about COVID is true. And I'm like, of course, because we knew everything we knew at the time but it was changing all the time right so everything you thought yesterday could be a lie tomorrow and then like fake the next day and it's who knows I had my doors locked my windows shut I was like like in my bathtub just like I can never see anyone ever again like yeah people were dropping stuff off like like postmates and shit and i'd have my lice all just oh i know me in that kitchen outbreak me in that kitchen wearing rubber gloves like wiping an apple down with um like rubbing alcohol oh yeah people what are we what are we

doing who am i am i bill nye the science guy yeah why does that that sanitation to me is dipping a fucking banana and nail polish remover and be like, I guess it's good. Like, I don't know. I'm not a doctor. Taking a silkwood shower in bleach. You're like, this is good. This is good for me. I think the skin, oh, the skin's coming off. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Who knows, girl? How long have you and your partner been together? Oh, this month it'll be two years. Love that.

The 17th of September. Yeah. Now what is your least favorite thing i'm just kidding well my least favorite thing about him no you don't have to say that how'd you guys meet in real life in the wild in the wild did you like bump into each other at a barnes and noble you would think but you guys are gay i don't know no it's starbucks sephora no no no what what would you say sephora and what was the other one starbucks no barnes and noble no i met him at a very respectable establishment called noble starbucks no i met him at high tops case bar yeah i met him at a very established bar um high tops is nice it's really cute but it was it's

funny because i had this astrologer celebrity astrologer you know uh kyle thomas and he does like astrology for um cosmo and like all these magazines and stuff and really good and like i had my podcast and he was like um you're gonna meet somebody in the end of like in the fall something like that and this was like maybe like two three months prior and i was like okay and was like no I think this one's like the one and I'm like all right cool thanks for coming on and I had two shows that night in September at the comedy store and he calls me up and he's like yeah it's my like you know LA anniversary because people do that I've survived this long in the city let's drink I'm like okay um and it was like 11 30 and I was like nah I think I'm gonna like call

it quits he's like there's a whole bunch of guys here you probably need to meet people you need to like get back on the market and I'm like okay how long have you been single oh for a while just 12 years yeah the last guy I dated was just a complete psychopath and I was like never again and there is that moment after breaking up where you're like

I'm confidently telling you I will never date again. Ever. There is a complete unflinching assurance that I will never fuck with that again. Yeah. I was like, I'm not doing this ever again. And I went down to high tops and I'm looking at all the guys and they all look like cookie cutouts of one another. They're all like the same person.

Just jobless and gorgeous. Yeah. Jobless and gorgeous. Nobody in Los Angeles has a job and no personality. No personality. They're just like a gorgeous. That was it. Nobody in Los Angeles has a job. And no personality. No personality. They're just. Like a mesh, a mesh top. If that.

If that. This was like more like polos and just like, like they all, they all looked like their names. They're still talking about the Taylor Swift concert they saw six months ago. Yes. Yeah. Very that. Yeah.

And then I look down and I see this like, you know. I look down. I look down. Well, I look down, you know. Everyone. I look down on everyone. Well, he's not super down I look down well I look down you know everyone I look down on everyone he's not super tall well I'm like six four yeah he's five eight that is looking down yeah you said oh shit he's my short king and I look down it's like this little cocker spaniel just looking at me like uh-huh with his dick out with his what his dick out not dick his tongue his tongue was out you know big eyes big big hair. He had big, like, Midwest.

I called him Pamela. He does have big hair. He has big hair as well. So, I mean, everyone's like, of course you guys are together. I'm like, don't hair shame me and my partner. At least we don't look alike. You know what I mean? But we have good hair.

But his hair was, like, full coiffed. Like, I called him Pamela when we first started dating because it was just full Midwestern wig. He does have huge hair. He has big hair. Dave and I look like two fucking everlasting gobstoppers. You them and suck them they never get any smaller like we do and you guys look so his hair is almost bigger than yours yeah i know i don't remind me but like no he we just started like talking and he just got out of an engagement and i had a partner pass away during COVID, an ex of mine. And so we just kind of took our time together.

And yeah, and like, I honestly, and now we live together and like. I had an ex pass away kind of recently. Yours did? An ex, yeah. I haven't really told many people about it. But it's a weird feeling, right? It is weird. How long were you all together? We were together maybe three years, like in my early twenties.

Yeah. And it just was weird. Not because like, I mean, anybody passing away, you know, is sad. But when you had that level of intimacy with someone, it's a very, I don't know. It's very strange. When you've been in love with someone, you don't think they're ever going to die, weirdly. It's, that's it. And the feeling of like, oh my God.

It's not like they've moved away. They're gone from the planet. And that's the reality where you're just like, wow. And I immediately think of the craft. You don't even exist anymore. And that's really what it is. You're just like, oh, you're just gone. And it's very strange.

We were off and on for years, but we were still friends. really what it is you're just like oh you're just like gone yeah it's very strange and like we you know we were off and on for like years but we were still friends and it's just weird because every now and then i'll like you know i'll walk by where we used to live and i'm just like huh and then there's like a light on because like somebody else's live there now or lives there now and i'm just kind of like strange very i my my he was my probably my first like serious like long we live together and stuff and it's weird because i of course don't have any regrets that we broke up or anything we weren't you know we were great for each other whenever like 21 i love you for hammer yeah says everyone at 20 21 of course of course but it was just weird to when you have

been in love with someone you don't imagine that they're ever going to go away. I have never had a romantic partner die. It's a different, it's weird. It's just weird. Hashtag vulnerable Trixie. It's just weird. And it makes you think not to be whatever it makes me be like, oh my God, every ex I have and my current partner will all someday die. Yeah. It's life. It is bizarre. I don't like that. Yeah. Was it like, if you't like that yeah was it like if you don't mind was it like was it tragic or was it no okay perfect and this is why kati is not here as well well i mean is it it always tragic it's always yeah it's always tragic but it was

like it wasn't like disease or was it like um we don't know i mean he had a he had on and off problems yeah you know the kind So we don't know. But it's, you know, they talk about, listen, I don't mean to bring up Watchmen, but I'll bring up Watchmen. You always bring up Watchmen. Okay, I guess I do. In Watchmen, Dr. Manhattan is like, we're going to be together for 10 years, but it's going to end in tragedy.

And Regina King is like, well, why would I want to be with you if you're saying it's going to end in tragedy? And he's like, don't all relationships end in tragedy? Poet. They do. Dr. Manhattan, he had the relationships end in tragedy? Poet. They do. Josh Manhattan, he had the big dick, right? Yeah, he has the big dick. I think his name is Yaya.

The actor's name is Yaya Abdul, I believe. And yeah, he was naked with a big blue penis. I thought, what is it like to be the makeup artist? Not to be whatever. But depending on the weather in the room, whatever penises change, presentations, shape sizes. How do you paint genitals blue?

And then on camera, have them continue to look consistently than the same. You know, I think it's a prosthetic. You think it's not a real penis? There's no real penises on TV anymore, but it's HBO. Well,

right. But I think that was before like the euphoria of it all. No, but HBO's like Rotten.com at this point. It is. HBO's- I think all the wieners not wieners,

look at me, just the wieners these days. No, I think they're all like prosthetics. Who had a dick out recently? No, TV's all crazy now. Yeah, there's like prosthetics and everyone's like,

oh my God, that guy. There was a guy in what's- Was it success was it succession no shit there was some move um i'm it's gonna drive me crazy i'm gonna wake up tonight and be like but he had like a huge dong when harry met sally mag right crystal oh um so my final question is to you you are a picture of a success story of chasing your dream and actually achieving it wow so are you how did you do it and what would you tell your younger self oh god is this real what would you say nine-year-old justin someone did this to me at pride like a tiktoker came up to me and was like what would you say it was like it's pride well oh no the ghost of katya lives on someone came

up to me at pride and was just like we're we're here we're proud what would you say to your nine year old self and i was just like drunk and i'm like girl shut up get the spotlight out of my face like what would you say to your young self girl shut up girl shut up I mean I think girl get over it live on um I don't know I think I'm so happy I'm glad I pushed on there was a time where I there was a couple of times actually where I was like I I can't do this. I can't do this. And I was fortunate enough to have friends who were like, you've got this stay on my couch, regroup focus.

Um, I had a lot of people believe in me and just say like, no, no, no, no, just stick with it. Believe in yourself.

And I'm glad I had that inner, uh, what's the opposite of a saboteur like a uh what's the opposite of a saboteur I guess like an inner cheerleader inner cheerleader saying like you know what you can do you know my mom always told me um you know never forget who you are and never forget where you came from and I just think that's always kind of stayed with me. And I just feel like, especially in this industry where it's like, you know,

I'm not a drag queen. No, not yet a woman. But I'm putting myself out there and I'm playing with like these, like, like machismo dudes. And here I am, this little LGBT,

like right in the middle of them all and letting them all have it and showing them like it can be done. And I've had these, these young kids who are trying to, you know, get into comedy being like, you're such a, you know, inspiration for me and like a role model for me. And I'm like, I guess I can do that. But at the same time, I want to use my voice and my platform to like uplift us because it's fucking dark out there right now you know is we did the drag is in dangerous telethon and it was just like the fact that we even have to do this because of the anti-drag legislation and everything it's just preposterous and i was like i'm not a drag queen but i can host so it's okay to also be over it like i feel

like for artists you're it's like when you feel over it you're like well i can't tell anyone because everyone thinks that i love my job so we can't say anything about it but i'm over it like i feel like for artists you're it's like when you feel over it you're like well i can't tell anyone because everyone thinks that i love my job so i can't say anything about it but i'm over it yeah and then sometimes it's okay to be like i don't know about you but i have these massive waves of inspiration where i love it and then deep valleys where i'm like i never want to see a wig again for sure for sure just being just allowing yourself to be like nothing is permanent all these feelings good or bad are always temporary enjoy the highs and then know that the lows go away but also the best creativity comes from the lows i found i love that i love being in deep depression and then being like i'm gonna talk

about this on stage a hundred people are like okay who wants to hear from stand-ups who are like my husband loves me i'm gorgeous and i make great money. Yeah. Am I right, ladies? Yeah. No, you're not right. You're not right, ladies. Yeah. But I mean, there's some people who are like. Why is this wine glass empty?

I know. You call this chill, Chardonnay? Well, tell everybody where they can find you because I'm sure they'll want to find you. Well, you can't find me at Crunch, but you can find me find me my podcast just saying with justin martindale is available on itunes spotify um i will be on jeff lewis live september 27th love him the debut and uh instagram justin martindale and yeah and i'm gonna come on your pod because you guys do you guys need to come on about 10 times so many times and then last night i said will you do this last minute you said of course so that's the kind of friend i am that's a good friend right there yeah so

go listen to justin's pod and i'll be on there very very soon goodbye Bye.