The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Take Us Back to Gawd's Country with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

In the depths of the city of angels, where devilish sinners prance, There live two drag queens, luring innocent souls to Gomorrah with their twisted dance. With rainbow flags flying, amidst the woke chaos no one can hear, The cries of good 'ol Americans drowning their sorrows in watery domestic beer. But down in the South, where mint juleps flow like water and the bayou air is pure, The laws of the Crawdad and the Bible are the only cure. So put down that wig, makeup, and butt-plug, and travel with us to where cornfields sway, Escape the madness of the big city of L.A., and order a bowl of Crawfish Étouffée. Need a website or domain? Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, head to: https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Hims can help you find the ED option that's best for you! Start your free online visit today at https://Hims.com/BALD Now is the time to join the Naked Wines community! Head to https://NakedWines.com/BALD, click ‘Enter Voucher’ and put in our code BALD for both the code AND password for 6 bottles of wine for JUST $39.99 with shipping included!  That’s $100 off your first six bottles! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: https://workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This is the hat I told you I was wearing at the Australia Maccas when I said I looked like Jennifer Lopez. I don't want that. I did know who that model was that you mentioned a lot. Alex Kansani. Yes. You better, y'all better pour one out. I knew her face, but I didn't know her name. Pour that you mentioned. Alex Kansani. Yes. You better, you all better pour one out.

I knew her face, but I didn't know her name. Pour several ones out for Miss Kansani, because she is giving you all, every... She likes us. She does. She loves you in particular. And it's, the way that I watch this woman's videos, she is just effortlessly fucking hysterical. So quotable. Constantly raising the bar for all of us. Constantly. And doing it flawlessly. Yes. You go girl. I'm just so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I don't think she's done hot ones, but she is just, every interview of her. She's on the press tour. Every on the circuit. Mama, she's doing the circuit, she invented the circuit. She's on Circuit Du Soleil. She is just a riot, I love her so much. I'm nervous because I did a YouTube video the other day.

So I did a show for a friend of ours, and the show has like an overhead dim light, and I got there in drag and was like, fuck. So I'm probably gonna look fucking awful. You know, I was, so are you aware of what a do lap is? D-E-W-L-A-P. I think it's a double chin. It's like a gobble kind of sort of idea.

But anyways, the point is. A do lap? A do lap, I've never heard of it. I'm performing at the do lap stage at Coachella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, do lap tires on my truck. There's, you know, it's like the, it's a bad lighting and bad camera angle that emphasizes you were like.

Oh, I like that. Yeah, and it's, someone had pointed out this terrible direction in lighting on this YouTube video on a pretty successful channel. And I was like, oh, interesting. I mean, you know, it's all. All of them. They all have horrible lighting.

I'm not just joking on our channel my channel at this point Yeah, like you got to check out we have the most beautiful Lighting everybody looks incredible on our channel and you got other people's channels And it's some straight guy with a barn light and a flickering light bulb and a candle. There's a light candle Yeah, there's the I mean I I'll never forget that the Hollywood Reporter roundtable with miss Jolie and friends, and then the French chat show that's in the round. Mama, you can't come for this lighting. Nobody's ever recreated anything more beautiful for a person.

Every star that appears on that show is the best they've ever looked in their career. It's wild. But it's millions and millions of dollars of rigs. Yeah, it's true. I mean, it's also not. It's also just like where you put them and how you, you know. Well, I mean, yeah, this show, for example, had like seven or six concentric, um, uh,

rigs of lighting and then they had lighting, um, in the, um, in the desk. And it was so fascinating. So fascinating. You got the good light. Oh my God. In Queen of the Universe, we had a gold rope light at the judge's desk. So you would have this also gold underglobe. So no double chin. So cunty. I have to tell you something because you know when we talked about who gave oh Scarlett Johansson was like I don't want to be like.

I don't want to be identified as being with you. Identified as in this moment with you which I love. I got this new shit from Christina Ricci you gotta know about this. Christina Ricci got through rough times by talking to birds. This is in the Wall Street Journal Magazine. And I, first of all, love her. And birds. And birds.

Yeah, this is a double whammy. And I love Yellow Jackets and I love everything she's ever done. So they asked, do you consider yourself a spiritual person? And she said, I believe in energy and that animals are closer to the universe than us. In my times of crisis or in the past when I've been in desperate situations,

I've literally talked to the birds outside of my garden and begged them for help." Begged on my knees for these cardinals and finches to come rescue me. I know, I just, I understand maybe going outside and being like, what's it all about Smitty? You know, or whatever, you know, talk, you know, what do you think Mr. Robin? I don't know something very like, Cardinal Law. Something very boopy doop about that. But then they said, do you feel like... you think Mr. Robin? I don't know something very like cardinal law think very booby-doop about that But then they said do you think they're begging begging begging? That's the part makes me funny is that she's on all fours

It's very Shakespearean She's Jennifer love he would come in the middle of the street. What are you waiting for? Yes? So then they asked Christina do you feel like you've gotten answers back? Oh boy, here we go, Jamie, here we go. She said, I desperately needed shifts in my life and those things happened. When we talked about this stuff, when we talk about this stuff,

I tend to be a little more pragmatic and use more grounded words because I don't feel super mystical. Okay. Maybe I'm just focusing, maybe it's just focusing your own mind on what it is that you want and every choice that you make

after that gets you closer to the thing you need. So she did come back down. Reasonable, very reasonable. But the first half of it I went... Begging. Begging? I beg, I have to take off all my clothes, I draw a salt circle.

Girl. I immediately thought of when COVID started and Ellen would post those like, no makeup, crying backyard pictures. And I, you know. So hard not to relate. So hard not to relate. So hard not to relate. Yeah.

Crazy. But that was a great answer where it's like, it's kind of how I feel about prayer, which is, I don't really think God is listening. But it is a form of centering your intention and saying what you want. Absolutely. It's like, please God. When was the last time I prayed? It was... Oh, fucking hell. I forget. But yeah, it's like, you're reorienting your consciousness toward a goal. When was the last time I prayed? It was, oh, fucking hell. I forget.

But yeah, it's like you're reorienting your consciousness toward a goal or away from a bad behavior or away from sadness, heartache, whatever. So yeah, you're literally just, it's like a compass. You're reorienting your thought process. You're Lebanese, you reorient. Thank you. It doesn't matter if you're H-I-M or S-H-I-M.

Shim. Shim. Shim. Doesn't matter if you love him or capital F-U-C-K-M-E in my P-U-S-S-Y. It doesn't matter if you love him or you take hims. See. Okay.

I have to ask you, when's the last time you went to church? Ooh, Um, I have to ask you. When's the last time you went to church? Ooh, mom, I go to church every day with Miss Jennifer Hudson. I've already been to the water. No. Um, I... I think it's actually been- Fuck off.

I know, was it the time you went in and you were- No. Remember that time? You said I need to speak to someone now. I was like, I need to speak, I need to, I need a direct line yesterday. No, no. Can you patch me into Jesus?

I'm looking to talk with someone, I'm not sure if he works here still, his name is Jesus H. Christ. No, I went recently, it's been in the last few. Have you been in one? A wedding? We go to churches if we're not... No! Sweetie, I'm a big church patronizer. I love to patronize all these churches.

Your Savannah accent came out. I'm a big church patronizer! I've never met a church that I didn't want to patronize. I love to go down to the Lutheran Mass. Afterwards they drink a goblet of mint julep and I pinch the butts of girls gone by. And I say to the Lord, it's me, Caleb Crawford, from down at the bayou.

Then me and Morgan Wallen, we get on a private jet, we escape those New York City slicker, horrible, devil people and we just go, yeah. Take me to God's country and it's just fat slut with meatball feeding people on stage. It's Bears in Space. Yeah, it's Bears in Space. I think the last time I went was,

Church. Oh, I had to witness that murder and I went and went by the name Sister Mary Clarence. I was in hiding. That's right. And remember I taught all those women to sing? Oh, you did such a, I mean, people don't give you a lot of credit for that because a lot of those women were very pitchy before you showed up. Thank you. Well, first of all, I evaded death.

Hello. Discovered Kathy Najimy. You're welcome. Thank you, Kathy. Hocus Pocus who? I don't think we've received a thank you card in the mail. Correct me if I'm wrong. Not a cheese basket, not nothing. Jesus Christ. And then...

Great list bitch. Obviously I went back to being a Vegas headliner. Well then I had to go teach at that high school. Well Maggie Smith was trying to get you tied down there, but you said, I don't, you gotta give me, I don't want to do this. This is not my destiny. I love that scene in that movie.

That movie is so good. So good. I love Whoopi Goldberg. She's lovely. She's amazing. I love that scene. When I watched, I mean, I always loved Sister Act. I love Whoopi Goldberg. She's amazing. I love that. When I watched, I mean, I always loved Sister Act when I watched The Color Purple on Christmas.

I cried so many times with Whoopi Goldberg in that movie. I thought that was a comedy. Just kidding, I'm just kidding. No, it's a gut wrenching. She's such a good actress. And I love in Sister Act that scene where she gets them to sing for the first time. And I think they sing,

I think they sing. They sing, try that in a small town. Um, and then miss, uh, professor McGonagall, what's her name? Maggie Smith, Maggie Smith comes up and is about to like read her. And then the priest guy comes up and is like, Oh my gosh, we haven't had that much energy in this church. thank you so much. And Miss McCook has to close her mouth and, not you, her. Miss Smith, Magdalena Smith. Magdalena Smith. She has to like, oh, she gets gagged.

Gagged, love it. Miss Maggie Smith. The power of music. And the power of Maggie. Right. Maggie Smith, she was, I was just writing on my little letter box. Is she dead? She's died, unfortunately. She was amazing. I believe she has, she was in, I was just writing on my little letter box. Is she dead? She's died, unfortunately.

She was amazing. I believe she has passed. She was a legend. She was amazing. Legend, legend, legend. She was in this movie that was, years before the movie Clue was made, she was in Murder by Death, a murder mystery.

Stupid, crazy, a lot of racist elements in this movie. Okay. But she plays this high society wife of a, like a detective, and she has so many amazing lines, a lot of racist elements in this movie. But she plays this high society wife of a, like a detective and she has so many amazing line deliveries like who would want to steal a dead naked body? And then her husband whispers in her ear something, she's like, oh, that's tacky.

That's really tacky. She's so good. Murder by Death, the show. She is hysterical. her line deliveries are just She because I first saw her maybe in hook and in hook she's playing Like she's playing a they definitely age her more in hook who is she in hook she's Wendy grown up Oh, remember the grandma of the kids of his kids It's a kind of a weird plot like didn't you used to be in like this wasn't Wendy your little girlfriend

And now she's your grandma like I don't know my I was dating my grandma. That's a big Like I was hiding my own grandma. I was dating my I didn't know I was dating my grandma I didn't know I was dating my grandma. That's the Aaron Taylor Johnson story. Hello. I have it I've been saving this to send to you. Have you heard this? Have you heard this Judge Judy audio about the ATV? Tell me, tell me. Judge Judy has the girls completely petrified at every moment. Yeah, yeah.

And I love when they try to fuck with her. Okay. So you gotta listen to this. This is crazy. Where is the ATV? Okay, wait, wait. For the two of you to use it together. Occasionally.

Where is the ATV? I sold it to a friend. Name of the friend and the phone number of the friend. I don't have that on me. That's too bad. Where do you live? Omaha, Nebraska. You want to get home? Yeah. Get me the name of the friend. Where is the ATV?

Get me the name of the friends. She makes a meal out of that word. She chews that scenery up from that courtroom. From that little thingy. She's vicious and yeah. Where was the ATV? Gave it to a friend. Do you have their phone number, name and phone number? No, that's too bad.

Get it. That's too bad. I went, um. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait She's like doing pantomime theater. Love that shit. I think she might be conservative though. Judge Judy? She's a fucking red state billionaire. Like don't raise minimum wage like wacko. She's kind of like faggy and cunty. Yeah.

Have you seen the gay clip from Kirby of the enthusiasm? The gay clip? The gay kid, the flamboyant kid from- No. Oh my God. This might be a little- it's only a minute and a half, hold on. Oh. Hi. Hi!

My name is Greg. Is it? Yes. My name is Larry. Hi. A great pleasure to meet you. Oh, thank you. Well, you're very welcome.

So, what are you drawing? Oh, I'm just doodling. That's a Hitler mustache. That's Hitler hair. What's a Hitler? Oh, Hitler'm just doodling. That's a Hitler mustache. That's Hitler hair. What's a Hitler? Hitler was a bad man. A bad man? Very bad man.

Oh my god. He started a war. He didn't really care for Jews. He thought they were a bit much. I would kick his butt. Would you? Yes. Good for you.

What are you watching in there? Project Runway. Good show. And for you. What's it? What are you watching in there? Project Runway. Good show. And what do you like about it? The fashion! It's like the best show ever. You like fashion?

Yes, I do. Do you like to watch Project Runway? I have never, wait hold on, I've never seen a full episode. People love it. That's like Survivor. People, some people it's the only fucking show they watch. But, I mean, I could see why. I mean, it's really well done, isn't it? You know, it is, but some, it is,

but sometimes it sucks when it's a season where you really don't like love the top, the people who are, it's like a big thing where they're all having a show and you're like, this is all a little safe or it's all a little too weird or, you know. Well, I mean, Drag Race is or was, let me put it that way.

God, I don't even think there's anything anymore. Was a really good piss take combo of top model and production runway, don't you think? Yeah. Like back in the, I mean, that was kind of the genesis of the whole premise of the show, right? At Drag Race to me feels like its own thing. When I was at that Survivor function I told you about,

I was with some people who knew Drag Race, so they knew who I was, and I was like, would you guys do reality TV like this? Would you do like this? And they were like, no, I don't know. I was like, I don't think I would either. And I was like, oh, I guess I did. But to me, Drag Race is like a talent show.

Survivor and shit like that is like, you're a dental hygienist, why are you here? Yeah, it's more of a social experiment. These fashion designers are showing their talent. I think that makes more sense. I don't know what motivates people to be like, I wanna be on the mole. I'm an elementary school teacher, like what?

Or like Big Brother. That's what I'm saying like I'm gonna try or the traders without the celebrities. I'm like I'm gonna go stay in someplace Not do anything Maybe like dress up like a nun every once in a while and like do stupid games And then that's and then at the end of it. I'm looking at I don't I mean I'd big brother Michelle said it's so hard Michelle said that that there's. It's boring, right? She can't listen to music, you can't watch TV. That's why she said they constantly show her putting makeup on.

She said because she would put makeup on, just take it off and put it on again and like she had nothing to do. Damn. And she took like top five. Remember when Courtney won? Sweetie, mama name a thing that Courtney has in one besides Drag Race of course.

That. The hearts of millions. The sympathy of the American. Isn't she co-hosting Drag Race with RuPaul now? That was mama. That was April Fools. Was it April Fools? Oh, I'm sad that that's April Fools. I know. I know. Let's get the Courtney act and the Drag Race behind the desk.

Sweetie, we were talking about that the other day, about Miss Down Under. And let me just tell you something about Down Under. What? What I have observed in the Down Under girls... Now, we might have to go to Australia at some time. No, I know. Oh, but do you remember when we went to the UK

and we said that they're dogs? Mama, that's what I'm about to... We were talking to Gay Times and we were like, ooh, woof, woof, like, cannel club, yeah. No, but they... Here's the thing. The fact that Vanity and Courtney don't co-host that show It's such a crime against nature because they are so head and shoulders above

The rest because everybody's kind of like giving camp giving like funny giving kind of like little rough around the edges My name is all of another yeah, or they're like my name is piece of shit My name's awesome a different color. They all have just these wacky. My name is Bongho Fuller Shite. My name is Apani Saved Penny End. Like they all have like these weird limerick names. My name is The Cage Bird Sings because of the, I don't know, like whatever, whatever. But I mean-

My name is Call Me Ishmael. Call me She-Mill. My name is I Need A Big Cock Up My Ass or else I'm gonna have a, you know, whatever. Like whatever. Why don't you ever get fucked in the butt? Me? Yeah, why don't you just put your legs up in the air

and let those men have that old ass. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I'm not comfortable. Did you like to bottom when you were younger? No. I told you, I had the first time I had inner, you know, the first time they ever went downtown,

Julie Brown, was 30 years of age. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Do you need a website or domain? Are you starting a business that caters to businesses that start a business? What if your business is going out of business because you're starting a new business? I think I can safely speak for every person

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to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Hims. H-I-M-S, not herses. She done already had Hims. Hims is all about sexual health. Listen, if ED is getting you down, I'm not talking about electrical dysfunction in your guest house.

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Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. And we're back. But I know the thing I want to say about Down Under is that it's just, to me, it's just a perfect opportunity to have those two, the dynamic duo of Courtney and Vanity Helm that show.

Because I think they could make it something really... Is Michelle host now? Yeah. Yeah, Rue dropped out and Michelle is kind of the one now. Which is fine, but I mean... I think I did know that. I forgot. I don't watch. She could stay with the three of them.

The three of them could really kill it. Oh my gosh, two blondes and a brunette. Let's get it together. Hello, thank you. Michelle's hair's like black actually. Yeah, with a little gray, my God. I love that gray stripe. I do too. You gotta look like her to pull up that gray stripe,

because it could go very Lion Witch and the Wardrobe. Lion Witch and the Wardrobe, or very like, yeah, Haunted Mansion.. Or a very like, yeah, haunted mansion. It would be very like, I would like a child, like a witch monster, you know? Or like a blue blooded ant who like, when you come over to visit, she hits you with like a, with a ruler with spikes on it.

Yeah. Just like mean. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just so feel, it's such a shame, I think. It's a shame. It's a shame against humanity. And it's a shame against women who actually are beautiful and classy.

Yeah. And you know, frankly, those contestants are nothing of the sort. Nothing of the, I haven't, you know, I watched Australia maybe season one. I watched UK season one, Australia season one, and Canada season one. Okay.

I think those are the only internationals I've seen, honestly. Me and Andrew watched Global All Stars. Oh, that's right. And I'm telling you, mama, that show was a W-I-L-D. I saw Alyssa Edwards, Alyssa McEdwards, and this is after she won Global All Stars. And I said congratulations, and she made some joke about like, girl, and it took me how many tries or whatever, you know. And I laughed.

And then I introduced her to a friend, and she said, hi, I'm Justin. And that really shook me, because I was like, girl and it took me how many tries or whatever, you know? And I laughed and then I introduced her to a friend and she said, hi, I'm Justin. And that really shook me. Cause I was like, you're in drag at the drag race holiday party thing. And I was like, Justin? Justin? She's probably trying to cuff up.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Is that like gear? Yeah, she's probably looking for puppy play. Would be play. Is the gear community sick of us saying gear? I just feel like gear is a funky word. I think they are.

I think they're a little miffed about us being so flipping and dismissive and also kind of maybe like incorrect about the usage. I guess what I mean is I probably would never be. I'm talking about Richard Gere for the record. Like I'm not talking. No. Yeah.

I don't take, I don't need a lot of accoutrement for sex personally. I mean, what do you need? Duck tape, olive oil, Saran wrap, you know? Couple clothes pins for the nipples. Thank you. Two more for the eyelids. Yeah.

Cause I tend to fall asleep. A nice crisp sheet and like a lilac or like a salmon. And it's red towel for the blood. Hello, thank you. Or the marinara, depending on what your kink is. Yeah. But no, but I'm telling you, listen, Larissa, oh my God, Larissa Edwards. Larissa Edwards, Melissa McEdwards.

Larissa Jedwards, when she came down that, nine times out of 10, when she came down that runway, sweetie, it was just, it was fireworks on the 4th of July. Oh my God. When she came down that, I'm nine times out of 10, when she came down that runway, sweetie, it was just, it was fireworks on the 4th of July. It was high drama, it was out of control camp. Me and Andrew screamed every time. Screamed every time. It was just so over the top.

It's not, we didn't necessarily love all the outfits, but you could not fault her for being boring, I'll tell you that. She was really show stopping,ping, crazy, crazy. She's never been boring a day in her life. Nope, she has no idea how to do that, and thank God. I did some group tours with her back in the day, and it was like touring with, it was like the weather.

It just- It was hell and hunt and twisters. It was not up and down, but like it affected every space. When she would enter it would sort of be like, Oh, Alyssa's here. Mama, you know, she's the center of attention, not the wallflower. Yeah. She's such a, I mean, she really is a star

and she's so sweet. She's fucking nice. She did make all stars too. Very, very fun. Oh my God. You did all stars with her. Yeah. I mean, she was always like,

that bitch was bright eyed and bushy-tailed every motherfucking day. It was wild. Every morning she was like, it was like fierce. I bet you she's one of those people who's like five hours of sleep, rested. Honey, 100%. And she like, she pours her monster

in her five hour energy in her sugar-free Red Bull and a can of gasoline. She just gets it going. She was always on point and very funny. Did I tell you they repossessed my car? You had to return it, you mean? Yeah, I returned the rental. Enterprise took the rental back.

They repo'd it? They repo'd it, repossessed. How do you feel about that? I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so fucking stranded. Well now, so here's- I ended up my assistant driving here today. Oh my God.

You gotta buy a car now. I know, what am I supposed to do? Lease, lease, lease, lease, lease, easy, easy. Well, currently I'm really horny for this 2019 Volkswagen Beetle. It's the last Beetle they made. Beetle? That's so mean.

Beetle Meyer? That's so mean. Mary, let me tell you something about Ms. Beetle and your lifestyle. What do we think about a convertible Mini Cooper? A cabriolet. Sweetie, let me tell you, that's great when you're tooling around P-Town and Martha's Vineyard unencumbered by the weight and area of drag. That's it. That's the second car.

Okay. No, no, I'm serious. I'm serious. That's the second car. You need like, well... I can't fit. You know I've hit the gate five times. I can't get a wide car for But that doesn't mean that doesn't mean you need to drive like a Mini Cooper or Mazda Miata. Well, the tallest, skinniest car is the G-Wagon. Which is... I think that's too much money. It's too much money and it's not worth it. I'm honestly, I don't want to be cheap. I cannot imagine.

I'm not paying more than $500 a month for a car lease. And I'm not buying a car that's over fucking $50,000. Sweetie, a midsize SUV like Honda CRV, a Subaru Forester, like those that are like even Fina's new car is totally spacious, reasonable to lease and it's lovely to look at and it's great driving. I've seen some commercials. About Subaru? Honda having an event that I could get a car leased

for under $300. Oh mama, what about this? What about Toyotathon, honey? What about Ernie Brock Jr. on the auto mile? Toyotathon. Toyotathon. Yeah. Could change your life.

I gotta get it all together, okay? I gotta get the good affordable car. Maybe it's a bird scooter. Maybe it's a Segway. You know, maybe it's a, maybe it in the sidecar on a motorcycle driven by someone else Or just a sidecar. Thank you. Um, I should Marty McFly it you think I could get to Burbank on a skateboard grabbing people's bumpers Hell, yeah, you could But roller blades roller blades. Yeah. Yeah roller blades stilts so you can hold on to the top of the thing

Love back to the future. I've never seen it. Are you out of your mind? Yes. It's... I know, I know, it's crazy. I think honestly the first one, it's like a perfect movie. And also in the second one, Biff, the bad guy, is the future. Obviously it's in the future.

And Biff, the bad guy, is basically playing Donald Trump. It's so funny. No way. Yes, he's like blonde and like, you know, tan basically playing Donald Trump. It's so funny. No way. Yeah, he's like blonde and like, you know, tan and super gaudy and like a tower. Crazy. Love that shit. Ooh, very last thing question. Last thing, we've been here 20 minutes.

Oh, first thing. Anyways. Do you have somewhere to be? We do. Oh, we do, that's right. Well, I wanna ask you, so I'm now in the very, so you know the mold situation, blah, blah, blah, blah, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship. No, we do, that's right. But I wanna ask you, so I'm now in the very, so you know the mold situation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship, hardship,

no, we're past that. So now we're getting our toes dipped in the very lovely and exciting waters of design choices. Ooh, Randall, ooh, there, Randall. So what are you gonna do? I think blush and bashful. No, I think I'm gonna do black and white and green in my bathroom.

Do you feel comfortable breaking the news to everyone here? Do you think that, I mean, did you wanna do like a press rollout? A soft launch? I need more information than three colors in the bathroom. Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely. Let me illustrate more. You're acting like you were telling us you were pregnant.

You're gonna use white, black, and green in the bathroom. Oh, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see. You need more details. Like the dentist. You see what else. So it's basically an, like, it's, you stop yelling, I mean, I feel very vulnerable. She said, okay, I never, this is a video I never thought I'd be making.

I will be doing black, white, and green in the bathroom. Shut the hell up. That's your theme. Yeah, so, okay, take a look. Strawberry. Take a look. Red and wild. Shit, bitch. Should I shave off my eyebrows? This is a little gaudy. Wait, hold on.

This is a little gaudy. You know this is a podcast, right? I know, this is just between us. So that's the kind of like, do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? You guys, you can't see this, but it's not what you think.

It's not dental. It's very green. It's very green. It's very green, but also- It's gonna be beautiful. Hold on, like the black. See, that's gonna be nice. I don't think so.

You gotta invest in those gold fixtures or they're gonna give cheap boots. I wanna do oxidized bronze. It's gonna be gorgeous. You should do an antique mirror. I'm doing black toilet. Black diarrhea. That's gonna be gorgeous. You should do an antique mirror. I'm doing black toilet. Black diarrhea. It's gonna match your poop.

Thank you. Blood in the stool. Mama blowing that shit up, ain't nobody gonna know but me. Moment on the lips, lifetime in the blood in the stool. Thank you. Oh. Oh.

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Oh, I love that scene. It's so, when she gets her eyes done? Don't look at this and don't look at this. I like McDonald's. You would think I'm a super fan based on this, but them french fries are good. Are you kidding me? They're the best.

Are you kidding? Let's go down the list. French fries, we got Wendy's McDonald's, Burger King. Wendy's is number one, right? With the french fries? Mom, I don't know what world you're living in. Right? French fry and a Frosty?

Well, Frosty's different. Fresh french fry from a fast food joint. Mom, it's McDonald's or nobody. It is McDonald's. I take it back, I'm sorry. Burger King, flop Tina. Flop, I don't like those fries much. Wendy's, flop.

In-N-Out, bleh. Culver's I like. They're a little crinkle cut. Who's that? don't like those words too much. Wendy's, flop. In and out, bleh. Culvers I like. Their little crinkle cut. Who's that? Culvers. Never had that. Oh, I think it might be middle flyover state only. I love a Chick-fil-A waffle thing,

but that's a whole different thing. So you hate gays? Of course I do. I hate gays, love trans, curveball. It's the only thing conservatives and gays have in common is like gays, ugh. I know, the chicken though, that's the, reach across the aisle. have in common is like, gays, ugh. I know. The chicken, though. That's the reach across the aisle thing.

Well, drag is tired, gay is tired. Yeah. Trans is still hitting. Let me tell you though. Gay and drag is very tired. I saw this interview with David Sedaris, whom I previously kind of adore. I love a lot of his books.

Of course, I love him, Sedaris. But he was doing this OK Boomer bullshit, I think with Bill Maher on, um, on like, uh, the New Yorker, whatever, having this conversation of, like, the gay thing. He doesn't like queer. He doesn't want to identify as queer. He's like, then, Mary, you don't have to.

You don't have to identify as queer. Maybe queer is not for you, an older gay man. You know what I mean? Right. I did see this lovely standup who was talking about, he was like, oh, I, you know, used to live in Portland. And he was saying that, he basically said that gay is when you're attracted to the same sex,

and queer is when you're attracted to the same sex, but really annoying about it, which I like to love. I mean, that's funny. And he was gay, and he was like, and if you're offended by that, it's because you're sitting in the audience and you're a queer woman who's here with her boyfriend, and this girl in the front was waving her hand.

That is hysterical. And you know, that's fun. That's not to all of you. But that's like- That's just some comedian who said that I'm just here. Yeah, but I mean, that's like, it was discussed in a way that wasn't nearly that funny, you know, but it's just like, oh, you know what?

Do we really need to listen to your OK Boomer kind of like take on this issue from a 65 year old gay guy who's like wildly successful? Right, I was in an event once and they were honoring, who was it? Chaka Khan. No, Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell. And she, a famous local Ireland person now,

she like moved to Ireland, she's outie. Ellen moved to England. It's Cunty. The Dykes are leaving, are you, can I see your plane ticket ma'am? Girl. Yeah, we'am? Girl. Yeah, we're gonna be done. And she said, she came up on stage and they were honoring her at the Queer Dees last year.

And she said, I'm gonna be honest, she was basically saying, young queer people teach me every day. She's like, you guys, I'm a 90s lesbian. She was like, am I? I always have room to learn. She's like, my kids teach me stuff about me. But that doesn't mean that at your age with, that's the other thing too. These gay people who came before you, who fought for all the shit for you to even fight about, if they don't use the exact terminology that came out this year,

why don't you just give them a little grace? No, no, no, no, no, yeah. When they're on the TikTok and they're saying, telling a trans girl she can't say, maybe she was saying it from a different time in life. And you know what I mean? Let people live.

I think they are, but I think this sort of the stubborn reticence to incorporate, or to incorporate new language, or to kind of like follow the evolution of language from an author is a little crazy. It's like, they gave an example of like... I see what you're saying. Do you know what I mean?

It's like, well, in my time as a doctor, we used four steps of no anesthesia. Well, times they are a-changing. Right. You know what I mean? I guess I don't mean, I guess I mean, when people are gay and they came before you and they built all the shit for you to fight over anyway,

just remind yourself to be patient and, you know. That's a great thing, regardless of whatever it is, in terms of change, you gotta be patient. Aunt Gooch is a lesbian. Diesel, dagger, dyke. And I bet the terminology that they use today, she might not be exactly privy to. Doesn't mean she doesn't fucking care about it.

Just maybe he's told her, or decades of saying this, she hasn't adjusted, I don't know. Also, you don't have to call yourself queer. Just say you're gay, you're some gay guy. I'm some kind of gay guy. You know, agree some less. We're just gay guys. We're white gay guys.

A hundred percent. Bald white gay guys. I'm just some fucking gay guy. Just some gay guy. And also I do feel people are harder on women about that shit too. Well I think it's also is. I feel like the gay women can't say anything correctly on the internet.

Well I think a lot of the queer terminology exists for the comfort and inclusion of women. Exactly. You know, and these like faggot older, you know, boomer gay guys are like, anyways, blah, blah, blah. But you know, we're middle aged, not even. Are you middle-aged? When is middle-aged?

Can we conclude that? Well, when do you plan on dying? Because we can calculate the middle. Like three weeks. Okay, then you're not middle-aged. But look at that, look at that gorgeous bathroom. Yeah, that's gonna be nice. You're gonna have to get a housekeeper.

Mama, she's got one. 40 and 60? Mary, you're middle-aged. Oh, what about this, the small one. Black, a lot of black in it. That what about this? The small one. Black. That's nice. I'm gonna get a black toilet. I think that's gonna be great.

You should get one made and not paint it. What was it? 40 and 60 is middle-aged. Ooh, there ain't no other way. It doesn't matter if you're him or middle-aged, whatever. Now, what kind of things could we get you doing that's more middle-aged? I think you should take a cooking class

at the Williams-Sonoma. Well, Brookline Adult Education Center, I gotta take a class. For sure. And I think it's gotta be in computer processing, like how to like hook up my computer, how to type correctly. Oh, when you go to the Apple Store,

you have to book an appointment and have them show you how to turn it on. And turn it off. And turn it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you need to ask things like, well, how will I know that people aren't stealing my information? Thank you.

And so what do I do if it only does capital letters? Right. You know what I mean? Like, this... How do I forward jokes? God. How do I send chain letters from my Facebook? You know what?

So how do I get on Facebook? We make fun of like old people sharing jokes. All I do is fire off TikToks to people. It's all I do. I'm that scene in the Grinch where he's like throwing the letters. That's me sending like shitty, like a RuPaul TikTok to someone. You know what I mean?

I stopped sending him to you because I was like, I don't think she's watching him. Well, you know what though, laughter's the best medicine. And maybe you're a doctor no one wants to go to. That doesn't make it any less important. Yeah. I think you could do, maybe you could start walking around with one of those drips.

That's kind of middle-aged. Imagine the drip? Wait, like I thought a drip for me, cause I'm a little young. Like a morphine drip. Oh no, I thought drip was like a fierce outfit. No. Drippy long stocking?

What if you did Zumba? Mama, what about Tae Bo throwing it real way back? Oh hell yeah. Cardio kickboxing What was his name Billy blanks Billy blanks that motherfucker was fit? Okay that Was that mother was thick and persuasive cuz guess what he got my mother to teach a class for a few months That's right. I have such clear pictures of those infomercials. He was deep-skinned oiled up or sweating or both. Yeah and those infomercials, he was deep skin, oiled up or sweating or both.

Yeah. And absolutely jacked. Ripped Tina. And he had all these like, your mom's friend behind him like. Yeah, yeah. It's so crazy. Yeah, I mean, I think it's time for me to-

Is it a type of martial arts, Tae Bo? Is it real? It's cardio kickboxing. It's just like an aerobics with a martial arts kind of flair to it. Yeah, you can't, you don't do it to beat someone up. No, no, it's exercise. Like Zumba, you go to Zumba to learn how to whoop ass.

Yeah, if you have someone in your life that you need to kill, you go to a Zumba. You go to Zumba, self-defense. Now what about, oh, you should take a women's self-defense course, where you stomp the foot and say, I don't know you, and like, you know. I'll go in a hard front wig, no makeup, and if anybody misgenders me, I'll cry.

No, no, no. I want to do... I did one of those self-defense courses. They grab you. You step out, you stomp the foot, you hit here, you hit the face and you, the main thing is they want you to scream. Scream so bad that you scare them away.

So charge with a gun, run if it's a knife. That's what I also heard. What? So if you're in kind of close range, a gun, charge. Charge. But knife, you run. Do you know what I mean though?

Like in an emergency. I think you should still, so you're saying people should run at someone with a gun. So no, no, no. Say we're seeing someone with a gun half mile away, you start running. Imagine this, imagine this. Hold out your gun like you're gonna shoot somebody

in this room. No, this is not real. We should have a safety meeting. This is not a real gun. Oh, you scared me. Oh my God. The gun is not away. I almost shot you.

Yeah, but you didn't. They didn't have the safety on. Hello. You're out of your mind. No, but I mean, but you were looking there because you're kind of like, I don't- Can I tell you something? If you got a knife though...

Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh. That's what's scary about America is... When other countries, they're like, if I go to America, will I get shot? I'm like, maybe. Yeah. But if you carry a gun, aren't you more likely to get shot?

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Also, you're much more likely to commit suicide. We remember in Death Proof when Miss Thing is like, you know what happened? They were like, why don't you carry a knife? And she was like. What did she say? They ask her, remember they go,

remember that girl, Tracy, I forget what her name is, the actress Tracy something, from Rent, yes. She plays the girl with the curls who's the- Oh, she's the driver, yeah, Cunty. And when they're like, why don't you carry a mace? She goes, if I go down to my laundry room in the middle of the night and someone tries to rape me,

I don't wanna give them a skin rash. Yeah, totally. I don't wanna sprain their ankle. Honestly, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like, if the woman is holding a gun, am I red state? Thank you. I guess I am.

I mean, if it's a woman, I'm like, shoot him. Do it, fuck him. Fuck, fuck off. Fuck off. Am I red state? Thank you. I guess I mean if it's a woman I'm like shoot him do it Fuck him, but you know fuck off fuck off. I don't know I think I'll be scared to have a gun scared to have a knife and also what is on my crocodile Dundee Going to Gelson's with a knife. That's T. Well, you can't even fly with a nail file I mean, I don't know about concealing Carrie with a knife. I think a knife is more of like a Actually, I don't really know what a knife is good for. I don't think you conceal the,

I think you do conceal the gun. I think you wear the knife, like Game of Thrones, like, and what? You will get stabbed. You wear it on a garter? Cause you're cross dressing later in the evening. In a dangerous neighborhood. You pull up your lounge or your saloon girl dress

and it's a tiny gun. Or no, no, you pull up the dress and it's small gun, medium gun, Beretta, Glock, it just keeps going up and up and up. I feel like that's fierce. Hell yeah. But I just finished The Pit, the show The Pit, the medical drama on Max.

Sweetie baby, I feel like you, cause you had mentioned earlier that your tolerance for gore I think is kind of diminishing or not so much as it used to be. Mama, I had to look away a lot of these times. In the finale, I don't wanna give it away. What is The Pit? The Pit is a medical drama in the vein of ER.

Why are you watching this? On Macs. On a TV in my home. What do you think I'm watching it on a good gear? You watch a lot of TV. Well, the other day I was- What do you do?'m watching it on a good gear? You watch a lot of TV. Well, the other day I was... What do you do? The other day I watched...

I think when you're not with me, you're at home watching TV. Many times. Other times I'm out with activities. Which is what? Well, just last night... Well, the gym, I guess. Just last night, gym, I went to... Do you ever go to the grocery store?

Funny, you should say that. I was a frequenter of Gelson's just the other evening, baby. Walked in, walked right out of the groceries. I had to go get coffee. You gotta take Fountain. You gotta take Fountain. But not like rush hour. In Wisconsin, we take Bubbler.

You gotta take Bubbler to the Whipple. Bubbler to the Whipple. You gotta take Fountain. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So this was a gritty, fast-moving medical drama on Max that takes place each episode as an hour of the same day. So it's kind of got a 24-hour vibe. What?

In the last hour, Mama Shit hits the fan so fiercely, so nastily, so bloodily, and so graphically that I was like... Well, first of all, I cried my eyes out because it was incredibly sad. And it was just so graphic, and I was like... I recommend it if you want to really watch something gritty and, you know, it was a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot, Robin.

It was a lot, Robin. Can I tell the people what happened with the vape on the plane? Yes. I love that shit. So I tried to fly with it. Because I feel bad getting where we're going and then basically panhandling to our fans or people we work with about weed

So I've been trying to not beg for marijuana when I go places because honestly, it's not safe Yeah, it's crazy and I don't want to you know, I it's maybe I just you know So I tried to bring a vape the other day and then I was googling do you put it in the carry-on? Do you put it in the checked bag? What do you do? And the internet said you don't put it in the checked bag because what do you do? And the internet said you don't put it in the checked bag. Because they ask you even. They want a cigarette. They said to carry it on. Yeah.

But you're not supposed to fly with marijuana in general. Says whom? TSA, America. TSA everyone? So I take the little vape pen and I put it in the, I put it in my, I put it in this pocket, hoodie pocket. Okay. And then I get to the airport and we're doing the PS direct.

Oh yeah baby. And I go to put it in this pocket hoodie pocket. Okay, and then I get to the airport and we're doing the PS direct Oh, yeah, baby, and yes, I love you I go to put it in my suitcase, but they're watching me and I feel surveilled So I take mouthwash out of the bag and swish it and spit it out and I act like that's what I very natural Tea, so very natural. So then I get up to the thing and I realized I never even put it in the backpack So my backpack is going in the thing. And you know you can't reach? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just take it and throw it.

Throw it into the whole conveyor belt. In a bucket. So it's in a bucket going through, and I go, well. You should have been like, that's always brought me luck. Yeah. So then. They didn't give a shit, did they? They didn't give a shit, but.

He was so stressed out about it. And of course, I was like, before we got into the line, they're like, oh my god, I have a weed vape on me. They're gonna check. I was like, girl, it's California. But you should maybe put it in a backpack. I just whipped it in a bucket. It's okay.

The people, because we have the luxury of going through that little, little muppet take event. I think I'm gonna stand up on the PS direct. I know. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. Yeah, this will be of great interest

to our Salt of the Earth viewers. We are scaling back on our excessively luxurious details of our... We're going to cheaper hotels. We're taking cheaper flight options. We're walking, we're biking if we're not flying. Yep. We're really going to just... We got one of those Wright Brothers airplanes with the bike, and that's how we're getting to gigs.

And if there's a lake, we're going to do that... The paddle. The paddle boat, for sure. I just want us to spend less money. No, and I think you're totally right. I mean, I do kind of skew towards YOLO. You know, you hear, you might as well do it lovely. But I think that it just doesn't make a lot of sense anymore.

And I need to make a concerted effort to be much less frivolous and more practical, if you will. When I think about the money I might have saved in my life, that's a really hard thing to think about. Oh, sweetie, sweetie, mama. When I think of... You gotta shut that down. You gotta shut that conversation down. If I've been flying coach this whole time,

I think about the money. I... Baby, what do you think I'm doing when I'm staring off into the distance outside? I'm thinking about... I'm thinking about, that was a $48 Grubhub order. That was a $37 Grubhub order. I know.

I'm like, what do you think I'm doing? It's like the wheel, the crank is turning, the ticker tape is coming down. Why don't you tell them about your Starbucks lifestyle? Sweetie baby, sweetie baby, sweetie baby. This, put the kibosh on that. Guess who made coffee last night? Uh, uh, uh.

Oh, look, we're getting very earthy. I had. We're talking to birds. This morning, my breakfast was approximately $8. Baby. That was a far cry from a $48 frivolous Starbucks order via Grubhub, even though I'm a member, even though I got benefits and credits and they love me.

You're a member? Of course I am. Oh. But 2025 is the year of being single. 2025 is the year of being frugal. 2025 is the year of new beginnings, harsh realities, but lovely acceptance. App, that is, let's end on that.

That's perfect. Love that. Love that. Okay. Love that. Bye. Okay, love that! Bye! This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit

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