The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The 7 Disks of Spinning Energy Inside You with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

As you slowly open your eyes to face yet another day in this wild, godforsaken world of ours, please remember to take good care of the 7 disks of spinning energy that reside within your spine. Whether it's the Crown, Third Eye, Throat, Heart, Solar Plexus, Sacral, or Root, your chakra can help you stay open, aligned, and most importantly: #GRATEFUL. Yes, Deborah...this Bald & Beautiful message of peace, chai, and love even includes you. Start shopping at https://www.Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app to start saving today, your Cash Back really adds up! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Let's call her something else. Okay. I just remember this woman was like, this woman would come and she looked at all of us like, hey, you have a makeup appointment. And I think she thought like it's like a brothel where you get to pick the makeup artist. Like, we're going to be like, hey, big boy, you're so tall. And she was like, I want her.

I don't want her because you're not cute and your body doesn't have any shape. She's like, ah, that's, it's like, good morning, good morning, not you, you can show. Totally. And I remember the girl cried and we were like, Well, that's really, it's really disrespectful and hurtful. But like, but what? People would want the most, at the makeup counter, right?

We all are great makeup artists, whatever. But some of us probably are born with a little more symmetrical features, like classically beautiful things. And the people would want the most attractive person they can identify with a makeup belt on to do their makeup. But in fact, get the dogs, mama. Yeah, the dogs. That's not what I want to say. Like the most perfectly naturally hot person has never had to make themselves look that great.

They've never had to turn shit into gold. Ask the woman with no cheekbones how to build cheekbones. She has the crooked nose, the glassy eye, and then the thick beard. The person with the perfect almond eyes probably won't know how to cheat an eye shape because they've never had to. Or how to apply eyeshadow to your crepey, droopy, 90-year-old skin.

Totally. The 19-year-old who's like, you want the haggard sun damage. You want the woman with the bright red chest. And the trach. You're like, I'm going to do a little BB cream and then maybe some brown mascara. Yeah. Like the trach. The trach. You're like, so I just wanted, I'm going to do a little BB cream and then maybe like

some brown mascara. Yeah. You're like, oh no. Okay. That sounds great, honey. I have to go. I have to look great

for my new date. Now that you don't smoke, you're going to enter the fold of being traumatized by those commercials. Can you believe it? But have those commercials ever scared you?

No, they egg me on. They have, they're very effective marketing. Not for me. They have made me never want to smoke. The one where the woman's like, I wake up, I put on my wig, I put in my stoma. Well, see, mama, that sounds like... No, no, no, not to make light of it. It hits a little close to home for you.

Because the reality is that it's not a clear and present danger it's not an immediate threat do you know what I mean it's not like it's common but not now well yeah yeah

like but it could like I could have already done the damage I could be like 13th in line for lung cancer even though I've quit and if I stay stopped do you know what I mean

well I remember when Kathy Griffin came out as with lung cancer she's never smoked a cigarette in her life well yeah of course you don't have to get lung cancer from a cigarette.

But I remember being like, so I put a lifetime into not smoking and I could still fucking end up with lung cancer? Of course you could, yeah. I don't like that. Well, I mean, also I've known many people who smoke their whole lives without lung cancer. Yes.

Do they have the best breath? The best cardiovascular fitness? The best speaking voice? Well, if you're kind of into that i like that but like you know that's the thing um it's not the like the long haul i can't even conceptualize that it's the now and i don't want to smell like now and i don't want to have to go outside now and be an now see what i mean when you i was just talking to andrew about this yesterday we talk about you a lot I said, I think part of what's made her successfully quit smoking is now that she has a yard to exercise in, she can go outside without associating it to, I need a cigarette to go outside.

Absolutely. I don't even think about it anymore. Although when I did see someone smoking, it's funny. When I see a straight guy smoking i'm like oh you're fucking you're a loser when i see a gay guy smoking i'm like when i see a strip when i see a girl any girl smoking i'm like oh i want that because you want to be her but but rarely it's not it's not that i want the cigarette i don't want i don't want the cigarette i just want the illusion back if david buys marijuana that has let know, sometimes marijuana looks like a white long cigarette.

I still am like, I'm not smoking that. I'm like, that looks too cigarette-y. Yeah. I just miss the illusion of like tricking myself so heavily into believing that this thing that I'm about to do is going to make me feel better. I know. But it's a trick. It's a good trick, stupid one. I'm trying to roll back my energy drink too.

You're trying to roll what back? Roll back my consumption of energy drinks. What do you have? Well, I love like a Celsius before exercise. No fucking shit, Mary. But if I'm doing that every day and like a black tea in the morning, it's like. Oh, brr. I know.

That is something. What I'm saying. Shut up, you faggot. Girl. Ah, shut up. Shut up, you faggot. Girl. Ah, shut up. This reminds me of the time. Do you remember when I called you inconsolable because I was convinced that I had contracted HIV and I hadn't had anal sex? Yeah.

Or any kind of penetrative. I had oral sex and I was. Oh, so you called me and asked me if you were going to have, if you could exercise when you had taken half a Viagra I mean I do have an MD well I do have an MD and apparently people take people take Viagra and exercise because it makes your dilation it makes your muscles fill up with blood more they get that pump going yeah bloodshot divas at the gym we all know each other Bloodshot divas at the gym We all know each other Also they go A lot of people go to

To the gym on G What? Yeah Yeah Well a lot of people A lot of gay people do G With every activity What?

I know Not drive though Please don't drive on G I thought G was just Partying, go-go dancing and sex Well think about it Partying, go-go dancing, sex What do all those things

Have in common? Physical activity You think? Why no? Duh What do you mean? have in common? Physical activity. You think? Why no? Duh. What do you mean? But I thought it was more about how you feel, but aren't you scared of G-ing out at the GIM,

at the Golds in Hollywood? Which I think is why they all get their scientist degree, their certificate, their dosing certificate. Can I say the few times that I've had G in my life? It is always like an after party with like a lawyer, a doctor, like a banker. Yes. And the time I did, first time I did do G, I'm pretty sure the person who did the dosing was an MD. Right.

Because these are educated, rich men who have this 30 days a month normal life. Right. And then one day a month. White party. White party. F party fist pills raggedy hip like they go yes like they go hard they do and that's why i think for you people like you and i circuit parties vibrate between the realm the realms we're shocked by normal people going wild because we're like, ooh, girl. Yeah. But we don't go to the dentist at 8 a.m. on Monday to work there.

Totally. You know? So I don't go to the grocery store after my 9 to 5 job. Right. It's a different lifestyle. I don't know. But the G, what we were saying, the Celsius girl, just check your heart. Check your blood pressure.

You'll be fine. It's not great for you. It's not the best drink to consume. I know, but now that I've eliminated it. But caffeine is, mama, caffeine is great. I guess because I eliminated alcohol and I like the way it feels long term. Do you want to go Gwyneth Paltrow? A little.

I have been like, should I cut caffeine? Do you want to be miserable? No. But what if I become one of those 5 a.m. people who does an Instagram story about my chakra? Mama, I want... No. You need to go out, go in at the sun as it rises. Get that natural.

Do the cold plunge. You want a quick caffeine? You get a fucking cold plunge in your goddamn house. Well, lately we've been only heating the pool to 87. So I think that's pretty much on par with jumping in Lake Michigan in December. This is a little bit lower. It's about 35.

This guy, Crew Mahoney, that I follow on Instagram is like a young athlete. Very sexy. But he's very motivational. He gets up, runs every morning at five. He's been doing it for 160 days or more. Crazy.

Does a cold plunge every, gets up at four or five o'clock in the morning yeah he's like insane very consistent gets up at four and jumps in a cold point i think five i think how does he have a cold plunge in his he has it in his bedroom not rich not rich mama not rich i mean i don't know but he looks like he lives in the suburbs he's very young anyways how many people who are working paycheck to paycheck do you know that jump in an ice bath in the suburbs. He's very young. Anyways, how many people who are working paycheck to paycheck? Do you know that jump in an ice bath in the morning? I don't know his financials, but that's not the point.

Then don't talk to me about him unless you have his QuickBooks and his TurboTax open for me. You have the financials, so I'm saying that you could do it easily. You get out that you it's not the best part of waking up is folders in your cup. It's the best part of waking up is dropping into that ice bucket for three full minutes.

Yeah. And then 150% of cocaine dopamine starts flooding your brain all day long. Ooh, there ain't no other way. The great value store brand that I experience is at night, David likes the temperature in our house about 40 degrees. Love it. But then when I'm, I would say, when you're huddling for warmth, when you're Jack,

when I'm like a lost boy scout, trying to get as much skin on skin contact to survive the night, which is how I feel in that temperature. He has the nerve to be like, can you be less intense? You are all like, I can't breathe. And I'm like, I can see my breath, you faggot.

Like get on top of me. You have the nerve to be so warm, so fuzzy and laying right next to me. Smother my dying ass, bitch. Smother me, bitch. Like, you're the revenant. I'm cold. I run cold. I'm bald.

I have no body hair. I'm cold. You're like a little baby hamster. Yeah. Mama's going to eat you. That happens. I've seen it. Do you want to pet me here? I baby hamster. Yeah. Mama's going to eat you. That happens. I've seen it. Do you want a pet in here?

I've seen... You don't at all? Boo, boo, boo. The taxidermy. Boo. That don't count. We've got four in counting. But you don't want a real animal.

No. You like dogs? I love dogs. You do. What I don't love is baby responsibilities and also palpating uh animal shit yeah with my fingers and hands but you came over the other day and you worked out i'm so happy you agreed to do that i was sore fabulous i was sore i said you know i work out my arms and stuff there was parts of my back because i was doing arms with full body yeah i was sore in the front

yes and the back yes bottom of Bottom of arms. Yeah. These. Probably that guy. Yeah. So not just the arms, but like weird back muscles that I guess I previously have not activated. Well, these are,

these are hard to activate. It was, it was intense. The rowing. And then the, the, yeah. I love that little gym. You have a little gym on the first floor. And you want to talk

about icebox? That's the, that's the ice bucket challenge down there. I work out in the freezing frigid cold. And I fucking love it. Use them for that long-awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere, and they never expire. Treat your friends or spoil your family.

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Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. Thursday, I took a gig at The Edition in Hollywood, DJing at the hotel. So nice. What a cool room. Was it the disco ball place? Yes. The whole ceiling is disco balls and some of them are spinning and they're all lit and it's mesmerizing. It's amazing. I get there. I'm in drag. I did a video and I didn't know how hot it was going to be. So I walked in, the air hit my face and I said out loud, you got to be kidding me. And then I had to, I only had to play for 60 minutes, but it turned into 60 minutes of prayer that my wig stays on. Hold on.

Hold on. So six minutes for me in that heat. I can't do. 60. Six minutes. Yeah. I was so hot. What is wrong with people?

I was so hot. And then my wig, I thought was glued on well. I had to glue it back on twice. I had to lift up the front lace. People are watching me DJ. I had to lift up the front lace, take the brush. I don't know if you've ever done this. Stick the brush between the lace and the head. Try to coat it back on twice. I had to lift up the front lace. People are watching me DJ. I had to lift up the front lace, take the brush. I don't know if you've ever done this. Stick the brush between the lace and the head.

Try to coat as much of it. And then I took a bar towel and I'm DJing and I have the bar towel pressed into my hairline while I'm like riding this, the job wheel. Yeah. And it was so hot and I left and I, I, I thank them all for having me. And they were like, would you ever come back? And I said, not in drag. Yeah.

Never again. I don't think I can do a local la gig in drag anymore it all ends up being so hot that i experienced death and now i'm curious bar owners club owners promoters um business owners what are you trying to do well i can tell you what they're trying to do they're trying to sell drinks if it's hot people buy drinks nope that's that's what they want no No ma'am. No ma'am. No ma'am. I want to talk about untrue things. Truly. That is. I know. It's not true. If I walked into a room. That's a fiction. That's a fictionalized report. It's fake news. If I walked in, there was disco balls in the ceiling and good music playing and the air conditioning was amazing, I would say,

I would call Brandon and say, fly in my bed. I'm living here now. Chain me, do the chain, hook me to the ceiling because I'm suspended for life here. Totally, hooks in the nipples, raptured up. The cell, Jennifer Lopez in the cell. I don't understand it, it was like my hell of jocks. It was like-

What's with that though? What's with it? i don't with it i think it well that particular scenario involved intentional torture of the girls that was a little bit of a hostile situation going on h-o-s-t-e-l um it was like oh how can we torture these drag queens so that my sick perverse fantasies can become realized i think it was vindictive in a way also just forgetfulness and lack of consideration for people's comfort.

And then when you're getting paid $40 a gig, you're afraid to speak up because you're afraid to be difficult. Right. But now I've just been fucking around and saying it.

Girl, when I DJed at Heart three weeks ago with Aqua, you know, afterward they were like, I hope you had a great time. I said, I would have. It was too hot. I've just been saying

I didn't have a good time because it was too hot. I've just been saying I didn't have a good time because it was too hot. And then the club. Did I tell you this part? The club. The club. I'll say someone. It was hot somewhere.

And the club person afterward. I'm in my SUV. Wet. Wet. Wet mud. Wet. Yeah. Breathless.

Wet. And the window rolls down. I look over and it's the person who booked me me and was like, well, I figured it out. And I said, why? I said, I found out who turned off the air. And I said, someone turned off. It was that moment. And welcome to me where she's like, someone's been tampering with my makeup bag.

I was like, turned off the turned off the air conditioning, turned off the air conditioning. I looked like Miss Mrs. Potato Head covered in gun oil. It looked so fucking nasty. I looked like French fries blanched and refried. Like it was so bad. I imagine you like Lucy Liu swiftly getting up on the table with the standby story. The next person who turns off the fucking air,

I collect your fucking head. A hundred percent. But now I realized in LA, if it's a local gig, I just can't offer drag to DJ. That's all. It's just not possible. I think we need to have like a little paragraph that's kind of inspired by Kill Bill.

Like the next time I walk into a club and the air quality is not to my liking, the price is I collect your fucking head. So if any of you people fuck with the thermostat you know it's just it's a it's an acceptable i'm like think like you're booking the teletubbies you're booking big bird think of the heat involved think of that yeah um uh wool suit uh oh the the the oh the yeti the yeti who? The Yeti. From the Matterhorn? Oh, yeah.

Why would you bring that up? Sorry, sorry. You know I don't like that. No, an ice sculpture. I think of me as an ice sculpture. RuPaul ice sculpture. That's what I think of RuPaul as. And like, you know, is, oh. I would probably follow RuPaul into combat.

Only, I'm saying that as a dramatic thing, only because I know the temperature is going to be right. Right. And like, I would follow her into evil deeds, let's say. Yeah. I would. If RuPaul said, hey, do you want to come over? We're all going to be in drag. I would go time and place.

Yeah, yeah. Because I know the air conditioning is going to be right. I would gladly be complicit in nefarious activities in the shadow of RuPaul because I know that shadow is crisp, cool, and comfortable. But I also thought, why am I afraid of telling the truth? Now when people are like, did you have fun tonight? I go, no, I almost did but it was so hot that I didn't have any fun. And that's tough.

I would have if the thermostat were at an acceptable range, but it certainly wasn't. So I had a horrible time. And I will never be returning. Thank you so much. Well, no, I was like, yeah, we'll come back out of drag. I can't come back in drag again. Yeah, yeah.

It's so, once, I don't know. It's July in California. You got money. You got money. We need to do some research in R&D at MIT for a temperature-controlled sequined catsuit.

Sure. Gel. You know what I mean? Those ice packs? What about like a reno show, like sort of like a tab at the taking over for any bar that's hot? Or I show up in a Mr. Freeze.

Yes, in Ayambo Van Zandt. Winter can't only be here. Yeah. In Ayambo Van Zandt is like the fix my life lady comes. Yeah. And it's just like, not on this temperature. Not on my watch.

Not this hot. That would be so funny. Can I tell you what happened to me the other day too? No. Not on my watch. Not this hot. That would be so funny. Can I tell you what happened to me the other day too? No. This is my tile, right? That I use to find my keys every day. Yes. Because I lose my keys and wallet and passport every day.

Do you really? So I got one of these so I can never lose anything. Okay. Because my phone will tell me, oh, you left home without your keys. It's very helpful. So then I got two keys made. One for my new house, one for my guest house, right? Love that.

Yeah. I went to Home Depot. They had, I thought I'd have to, you know, you ever get a key made? It takes forever. You have to talk to people. They had machines there where you plug in your house key. It locks it in there and you pick out a key on a screen and it makes them for you. Rite Aid, honey.

And you never had, I never did interact with a single person, but I was at Home Depot. Which is a Snippies location, the one in Hollywood. for you. Rite Aid, honey. And you never had, I never had to interact with a single person. You didn't have a Rite Aid? But I was at Home Depot. But you, pfft. Rite Aid. Which is a Snippy's location, the one in Hollywood. Oh no shit. The Home Depot parking lot is a jerking off location. Yeah, you can hire an undocumented worker to help you with your yard or get someone

to suck the fuck you big time baby. I don't know how to talk about this in a way that I know is the right verbiage i'm disturbed by the number of people who are in the parking lot at home depot trying to find manual labor work because they can't legally work because there's no way to get people documented well this is a country that is built on people showing up killing everyone and taking the land everybody who came here was an immigrant. But then for some reason we turn around and say, no, we don't like immigrants.

Bitch, everyone who is here is an immigrant. Every single person. But that's logic in common sense. That's just not. But if we want people, like if there's a way where we are so like, no, you're undocumented, you can never work. Is there some way where people who are undocumented could work, but maybe part of their wages goes to getting them an ID, a passport, a social security number? Like either you have documents to work or you don't in this country. And what is the process to get people? Where's that bridge? You know what I mean? The reverse of like,

in movies when they have prostitutes and it's girls in miniskirts, like you want to date gorgeous. It's that, but with men at Home Depot who are like do you need help with your yard yeah is I just was like what's the solution here

I don't know I think it's probably a livable wage the abolishment of ice ice needs to go it's like girl if people are here they're here

yeah how do you help them well how about that sitting booby traps along the border when that pregnant teen got killed catch it

it's crazy. They're like, they're rotten. It's like our version of the SS. I know these are bigger problems that you and I can solve. So maybe it's a waste. That's why we're talking about it. Okay. Yeah.

I think it's what? 2 p.m. by 4.45, we should have the solution. Something hooked up. Well, Home Depot is wild though. Every time I go in there, you know, because I'm a HGTV star. Of course. Every time I go in there, I feel, because I'm a HGTV star. Of course. Every time I go in there, I feel so full of possibility.

Me too. And then I walk around and realize I don't know how to work anything in there. I was looking at doors. Then I'm looking at tiles. Then I'm looking at doorknobs. Chandeliers. I'm thinking about it. Lights.

Paint. Screws. Paint. Hammers. Plants. Wait, everything. What about Becky? Roberta?

Stephanie? Jill? Thank you so much for holding on the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. High on crack street, but it's very... Did you see the whole thing? We could... Someday I'm going to make a documentary about this.

The way that America allows and sensationalizes female celebrities to be off the rails with drug use. And we still put them on camera. Anna Nicole presenting at the MTV Awards. Yeah. Barely legible, speaking wise yeah baby yeah amy reinhaus having a song called rehab and we're all like that's fun thank you so much uh-huh yeah i know it's it's tough i was like i saw the meme of that obviously like um donna karen juicy right thank you uh-huh you better lay low i mean it's funny you better's funny of course but then i watched the five minute full version of it and i'm like oh okay like a an emaciated sweating whitney gets on stage with a like a kind of a raggedy wig and i'm like oh my god yeah but i mean i say this

as somebody who put you in a movie at your worst so but i also gave you my consent yeah i guess i just wish like i don't know people get help but i also i wasn't like they walk off stage it's like oh that was kind of a ride but also are you okay i don't need anything you know but you did not um i didn't set out to do that no no no and you did not also um you didn't capture footage of me like like that oh yes i did i just didn't use it well there you go yeah yeah yeah yeah that part so like that you could have you could have whitneyed me big time however the day the day that was the big day of that we were on set with about 10 other cameras it's not like we were already in the middle of filming there was already cameras everywhere and i'm so thankful that they i I mean, I mean, if they had done that, they, I would have,

I don't want to have sued them, but I certainly would have like, that would have been, it would have been so tasteless and so pointless. They did the opposite. I mean, Viceland is absolutely like, they could not have been. It's hard with like reality, docudrama, et cetera,

because you want to be honest, but you also have to protect the people in it. How honest can you, because you because you want to be honest but you also have to protect the people in it yeah how honest can you because you don't want to feel like you know i think it's hard it's like when something like it's not the same but on vanderpump rules this year they had that massive cheating scandal when you're making a show about people's real lives you can't control what their real life will look like that day right Right. Yeah. It's so fun. Yeah. It's fun. I mean, do you think the reality TV, because some of these hoarder shows, like the,

the, the exploitative surveillance, like it just seems some, I don't know. It's like, I don't know some of these things I just don't think should be filmed. Well, on one hand,

what if hoarders is a show that helps people start that conversation with one of their only family, their own family members? Is that data available? I mean, listen, they're making a show. I don't think they are primarily a nonprofit. However, I do think there's a world where showing people having conversations with their family about how it started, the trauma, etc. And starting to fix that yeah could help people at home start the same process yes i'm walking on sunshine well that intervention is different

intervention also i saw it young and i've been scared of drugs my whole life so there's probably people like me who maybe that was part of why i was kind of afraid of drugs by the way for somebody who's afraid of drugs i have tried them all Yeah, I don't think scared straight is the thing. I'm not sure what the thing. I think it's like. But also on intervention, there are people who, because of the show and the intervention, their life has changed for the better. Yeah.

I mean, well, just in general, the statistics on recovery are so low. It's so bleak. So bleak. Same with hoarding, though. So low. So bleak. Of course. So bleak.

Same with hoarding though. So much of the time they're like, the person's house was never, the after show credits thing is like, oh, they never cleaned up their yard and their house got repossessed. Yeah. They fused to the couch there and their corpse is still there. Yeah. The dead cats and the dead animals. Also women eating poop.

Do you know about that there was an episode of intervention where a woman was addicted to pooping in plastic bottles and saving the poopy water and she would like let it ferment and then she would eat it and before she went before she went to recovery she said before they started renovating her house not renovating cleaning up the hoard she was like um no on intervention they let them get high one last time i and they and and kim kim the uh coach was like i have to ask why do you want to eat poop one more time before we clean your house and she's like because we're allowed to get high one more time so for her it was like a hive meeting poop which is more than a hoarding issue because when we talk

about hoarding we're talking about people's trauma newspapers old newspapers yeah yeah um um old apple cores um poopies eating storing and saving poops well a lot of times the people who are hoarding are over the age of let's say 40 50 it's usually empty nesters widows so i think there's also something to be said about like i don't want to say the negligence but there's a certain amount of leaving someone to their own devices that lets them become a hoarder mama if i didn't have guests every once in a while yeah oh there ain't no other way i'm with you i think these things are so complicated that it's impossible to speculate. And yeah, and it's also, it just makes me feel a little bit uneasy when we're like,

because the bottom line for a network is not about, is not altruistic. It's like, how can we get eyeballs on this thing? And that obviously- Well, that's like relying on capitalism to never allow monopoly because of goodwill. Yeah. People looking out for each other. Right. Like this whole like this social solidarity

in this country well miss the nanny miss fran miss fran do we already talk about this no no no i miss the nanny when she said when i did the nanny we all ate we all got our fat paycheck we all lived the dream yeah and now if the nanny happens today the people at the top would eat and we wouldn't right look at yourselves i mean she's making these people go like the problem with capitalism is it allows people's own perception of what they deserve to be law as far as how much everyone else should get paid yeah like the first time there's an a24 or a bloom house that's equitable where everyone makes the same amount from the actor to the pa we all get the same amount to be on the film, that will never happen.

That will never happen. But I also think as much as I think stars and stuff should be able to ask for as much money as they want, look what just happened on the Real Housewives of New York. What? They're all gone. All those women were let go. Executed?

No. Andy Cohen, I mean, I wouldn't put it past them. They were all let go and a new cast was hired. And on one hand, it was because of like you know uh a bad season or whatever that they had but at a certain point talent is it's possible as talent to negotiate yourself out of a show of course if you push hard enough they'll just replace you oh yeah there's a bunch there's plenty of alcoholics on Long Island to put a camera in right so it goes both ways we're like I don't think executives and shit should abuse their power, but also talent

abuses their power. Where it's like, if I'm a big enough singer, whether or not I wrote that song, if I buy it from you, I become a third songwriter, even though I didn't write a word. I think that's unethical. Well, the music industry. Or if you're such a big actress that when you join a movie, you become a producer. I think that's unethical. Like.

Really? Kind of. Just because you're the most famous and you might sell tickets doesn't, you become a producer. I think that's unethical. Like, really? Kind of. Just because you're the most famous and you might sell tickets doesn't mean you're producing it. Like, I think it's all a little weird. That I don't know about,

but I know the music industry, that whole thing was created on theft, dishonesty, and stealing. Mm-hmm. And control. Control.

It's also like, a lot of people don't know this, if you're signed by a real big label, you're maybe still making records out of your garage and then this label comes and says we will give you we will advance you a million dollars all you have to do is sign away your life when you're saying it's the next it's for the next four records and what it means is over the next four records if you don't make us at least what we've advanced you, it gets renewed and you owe us more now. And people get caught in a cycle of they're not making good enough money to make their

label happy, but they're not allowed to leave because they have a contract holding them. So in a weird way, labels are like, well, if we're not helping you make money, we're also holding onto you enough that you can't leave and go make someone else money. Which happens a lot. They do it on TV where they do a talent hold i'll just say it they do it in renovation all kinds where they'll hold you as talent and even though they don't want to give you your own show they want to make sure you don't go do it with someone else so it's not even always about goodwill of helping you it's about making sure that if you're not going to eat with me you're not eating with anyone i know know that. I know that attitude.

And so, so much of this has to be just renewed. And that's why sometimes in the contract negotiation process, you do have to go like, can we be real for a second? That thing you're asking for is crazy. Cut the shit, Marty. I've been on shows where right off the bat, they ask for complete rights of my entire musical catalog. And also your kidneys, your liver, your thyroid, and like both your ear holes. I'm not Coldplay. My music's not worth that much.

But asking for ownership of some shit before you even entered the picture, I should have the right to laugh at you for asking that because that's crazy. I know. It's, you know, I mean, so many shows. Imagine if you're on a certain singing show. If you compete, they own part of your music for years. Is that an American Idol? Or any of them. Who knows?

I don't know. I've never been on those shows. The Voce? And you sign that stuff when you audition. Yes, when you audition, you don't have a lawyer. You don't have a manager. You just can't even imagine it. You're Bob Regular getting off the bus from Oklahoma going,

derpy, derpy, whoopie doopie, I'm going to sing. i know we've talked about it when i read michelle's book she talked about seduction she's she was in seduction for two years michelle talked to the cleaners michelle ended seduction two years and ended it borderline in debt and michelle was playing they were opening for millie vanillie who was huge at the time they were playing giant venues yeah and michelle was carrying the team's costumes doing promotional radio shit all the time. And I think she was making, I forget what she says in the book, but it's something like $1,000 a month was her pay. Entourage.

She should be grateful. But that's the way they would make her feel. It's like, do you want to be a star or not? Do you want to be a star? Yeah. And of course for her, she's like, yeah, I want to be a star. But, and you're too young to realize, well, what's the other alternative?

You go back to singing karaoke. Taxi dancing for 50 cents. I don't want it. What is taxi dancing? It's like old timey, like you go to dance with a girl, pay 50 cents or a nickel to go dance with a girl. Is that real?

Yeah. Old timey. Madonna talks about it in A League of Their Own. Oh, yeah. Remember? But Mr. Chocolate Bar, he's not shutting me down. I love that movie. I married a plastic surgeon.

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Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Any the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. Gina Davis. Yeah. Very unathletic and struggled immensely at appearing like she was.

Really? Yes. She sells it. She did it, but it was gangly, uncoordinated, and very unathletic. Yeah. It was like a struggle to get her to look like she could be. She sells it. She has a split and catches a baseball.

Well, I think that's probably a stunt. But yeah, but I mean, even to throw, she was like. Yeah, apparently. And same as Rosie. Rosie? Rosie O'Donnell. Same thing? Not athletic at all.

Madonna? I made all that up. I'm assuming Rosie was a little more athletic than Gina Davis. Because she's a diesel? No, that's not what I meant. Oh, okay. I thought... Because she's the Dyke March leading bull dagger Harley riding carpet munching dyke.

When I worked with her, I took my whole body not to say I love... Yeah, I did that comedy special with her. Okay. It took my whole body not to be like, a leg of their own. You did that, girl. Yeah. to be like a league of their own you did that girl yeah luckily the icebreaker was her her girlfriend like strixie and katya so it's like oh my god she also told a story in howard stern um she's like martha stewart kind of i think snubbed her or something and when she had a

she uh asked her about like what do you miss the most when she was in the clink she said the the scent of fresh lemon love that so she got her a fucking imported a lemon tree from italy and sent it to martha and i think she never talked to her trees cost a lot lemon trees from fucking um this uh capri or whatever yeah i was at a friend's house well a friend's restaurant i won't say who and uh i said rhymes with the yeah i was like these trees are amazing that restaurant pump which is closed now has these olive trees and i don't want to say how much they were but i couldn't believe how much fully mature trees cost to be like flown in and planted my mind was like horses trees that grow from the

earth from sun and water they're like like horses. Farming is a scam. Absolutely. Big farm, uh. Big farm, uh. Farming is cool though. If I could be one of those people who like- Lives off the land. Oh, come over, I'll just cook up some vegetables.

And then while we're here, I grab my basket and I walk into the backyard and I pick a grape or whatever. A grape? I don't know, vegetables. Like a tomato. Yeah, a squash. And then I brought in here and cooked it? You could do that so easily. Vegetable garden.

Dum de dum de dum de dum de dum. What's the secret to keeping the plants alive though? It's hard to even keep them alive in the house. Knowledge, water, soil, effort. Becky, Stephanie, Roberta. Thank you, what did she say? Thank you for holding on the phone. You better lay low. water soil effort Stephanie Roberta thank you thank you for holding on the phone you better lay low

yeah hey you better lay low god you know what I also don't like about award shows what I need you to have a

I need you to have something prepared but I need you to keep it short nobody should have to be played off because you know they're gonna play you off so you should plan something short it's yeah it's like when i can it i know i can identify it so easily when the star is feeling it and they're rambling because they're in their moment and they know who they are and they know their impact and they know they're like they're the one but it's like a little humility and a little consideration and a little preparation

will make you even more i think it's such a cunty mic drop if you walked up and said a few names and thank you and left yeah or be like bob it um you know like uh thank you so much what an incredible honor my fellow nominees so talented uh judith leitner at mca you fucking suck bitch And then you get off You know And then that's it Or imagine Imagine if you won Best Actress

And you went up there With your burn book Here's all the people Who didn't help me Yeah yeah yeah Here's my first agent Who told me I wasn't pretty Yeah yeah

This is the guy Who tried to get me Breast implants twice Yeah This is the guy Who G'd me out at a party Yeah Here's my manager

Who literally called me The wrong name yesterday Yeah The following 15 people Are guilty of tax fraud. Bob, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, yeah, yeah. Did you go to the MS yesterday? Did you go to the MS yesterday? Uh, I didn't either. I felt bad. Did you feel bad? I never got an invite.

Oh. Cause I was looking at trying to find the address in my text and email. I never found the address. So I figured I didn't get any invite. That was my excuse. text and email i never found the address so i figured i didn't get any invite that was my excuse i just figured i better lay low you better lay low also i don't like i wasn't in a party mood because those places like it's very schmoozy and they're like is that how you schmooze i don't go to anything like that unless I'm in the mood for that because I can't count on myself to fake it. To be honest.

That's the best is when I was at the Trixie Motel and someone was like, you must hate people coming up to you. And I was like, do you think I came here because I wasn't prepared for people to want to talk to me today? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And also don't tell me how I feel about meeting you.

I don't like that at all. Thank also you probably hate this don't don't yeah don't do that also even if i do i wouldn't turn it down i wouldn't turn you down right now of course you get a picture also but i think i've mentioned this before because i finally figured out how much of a pet peeve it is when people say like when if i'm looking haggard either like um for whatever reason you know the airport uh after the gym not you know what i mean in public and don't want to be quickly people say oh my god can i get a picture i was like i look like shit right now i'm really sorry no like oh i don't care i care that you yeah i care a lot i care a lot i don't see this bob yeah do you know what i mean please yes i don't care i know that you don't care because you want what you want but there's two people in this situation right and there's

there's 50 it's 50 50 50 yeah does that make sense or no should i just be grateful to take the fucking picture i think you have to take it no matter what well i fought with a guy in west hollywood who was drunk one night for like 45 minutes. No. Drunk people. If they're drunk, they get what they get. I'm sorry. If you're drunk.

Well, I made the mistake of going out lobster red. I mean, sunburned to like maroon. That's the other thing I think I'm just going to say. That's my fault. You're gay famous. We live in a gay area. If you go out somewhere where there's going to be gay people, just you have to mentally beforehand go, I'm probably going to take some pictures today. So just be ready for that.

I know. I should have put a lash on and put some. I always put a little makeup on if we're going somewhere because I don't care that much. But sometimes I'm like, I don't. I feel like it's my right as a person to refuse that. And if they want to call me a bitch or whatever, that's OK. As long as you're OK with that. Yeah, of course I'm OK with that.

But also, I don't think anyone's ever going to call you a bitch for saying no to a picture. They would call me a bitch or whatever, that's okay. As long as you're okay with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I'm okay with that. But also, I don't think anyone's ever going to call you a bitch for saying no to a picture. They would call me a bitch for that. People love you. They would never be mad at you for that. I don't know. Maybe when I punch them in the balls. If I declined a picture at my mom's funeral, I think I would hear about it. Do you know what I mean?

Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Sarah. Exactly. No. I love that. I am so obsessed with that that i want to do a lipstick color called happy birthday sarah should we you should do a whole collection the happy birthday sarah collection happy birthday to sarah oh and you could do like sarah plain and tall um

sarah jessica parkour the whole maybe get sarah paulson to model oh my god i'm trying to get good at that you should get get her to... So it's Sarah Paulson's birthday. Nobody says happy birthday to her. SJP walks in, but trips on a banana peel and dies before she gets this. And then Sarah... Huckabee Sanders? I knew you were going to say it. Falls through the ceiling onto the cake.

Yes. And then... I need a hero! Like Tandy, Iman, Dupree. And then, I need a hero! Like Tandy, Iman, Dupree. And then Sarah Paulson's like, no!

Sarah Paulson's like, ah! Yeah, totally. And then Sarah Brightman sings a song. I need a hero! Yes! And then Sarah Connor.

Not a real person. No, Sarah Connor, from the, yeah, the character comes in. Is chased in by the, all Terminators. All of them person. No, Sarah Connor from the, yeah. The character comes in. Is chased in by all Terminators. All of them at once.

The girl, the liquid Arnold. The girl, the liquid guy Arnold and old Arnold. Yes. Both Arnolds. Robert Patrick, the liquid guy and the fierce bitch. And the other guy from the Genesis one. And then Rambo for some reason. Yeah.

And all the action stars. Everyone wearing a wig by Sarah Andrews. All the Sarahs. Honey, the Sarah collection, honey. And then Sarah Problem walks in and says, what's the problem? Damn. I think that's a great low budget production.

I heard of a good drag name recently, Tamale Ringwald. Did I tell you about that? That's funny. Great, right? Wait, wait, wait. I just need you to know about it in just like that. You've never seen it. Never seen it never seen and you never will i've never seen sex in

city either that's right so this show tries my nerves in a way that is so nefarious really so malevolent in what way vindictive so sneaky freaky and de. And so like round the way around the bush, under the table and through the woods. Like it is, they had, there was a snow storm in the show. In the show, New York, like a bombo, bombo, bumbleclat. I don't know what it's called. Do you want to say bomboclast? Bombo, bomb cyclone, snow storm.

She know about this pussy. Charlotte's daughter is going to lose. Charlotte's the brown haired one. Yeah. Her teenage daughter is going to lose her virginity and doesn't have condoms. She calls her mom. Mom, I need condoms. Charlotte goes out into the snowstorm to look for condoms.

Condoms. Her, Charlotte goes out into the snowstorm to look for condoms. Carrie is going to a, leaving the house to go to a book talk in this blizzard, wearing a Tom Brown, like a coat that looks like Utica made it. Like a giant, enormous thing. I don't believe that a woman, a girl would ask her mom to go buy her condoms. I don't believe anything that ever happens in this show to the point where it's, why do people like it so much?

I think it's just because they want to see rich people look. I don't know. At least in New York. I was just talking about this yesterday at the doll brunch thing. Cause Darian's from New York. And she was like, yeah, I never dress up

like this where she's like when i lived in new york you would never catch me outside my house with a heel on ever for any reason she'd be like it'd be like in new york if you see someone in times square you act like i wasn't here and you weren't here like whereas in la people never dress up with that leisure and when they do it's basic normal oversized clothing very expensive yeah yeah yeah but this is like a show where but it's about it's not about personal style here whereas new york a show about new york it's at least about people's personal style and stuff yeah it's very it's very surface like you watch it without the the um you watch it without the volume who's your favorite character well it's it's Samantha, but Kim Cattrall, because she was like, you know.

Did you love her in the original series? Yeah, she was the only funny part. Right. She was the only lightness. She was getting fucked all day. She was basically a gay guy. And the gays love her. Oh, yeah, because she's a gay guy.

Yeah. Anyways, the point is, this is so insane. It's so unnecessary. But her hairstylist is really doing a great job. My daughter needs condoms. I don't believe that. I don't watch the show, but I don't believe that a teenage girl would ask their mom to go buy him condoms. I don't either.

I'd rather get plan B the next morning than ask my mom to get me a rubber. Yeah. I'd rather him just fuck me in the ass. Well. next morning that asked my mom to get me a rubber yeah there's i'd rather him just fuck me in the ass well she should have said honey just have him sticking up your your your pooper but then her mom would have to step out for an enema that's true and then the mom has to give you an enema mom but my ass is all shitty well i guess i'll come do your enema right and then the mom gets involved and it's mother daughter boyfriend virginia and then it's three-way yeah and then you know the dad calls and he gets really upset straight girls are watching straight guys are watching two types of porn teenagers and milfs that's that's all they

want that's all they want yeah they they want they want teeny weenies and granny fans don't you want a woman who's knows her way around they want that yeah or they there's like i'm just like one of the girls you went to high school with just some way around they want that yeah or they there's like i'm just like one of the girls you went to high school with just some more experience they want that or they want like what's a cunt is that a cock can you drive me happening can you drive me to preschool literally literally you want to throw your hog down this gray cavern totally i've been 400 years old baby and i can't even make fun of it because the porn I watch the guys look like fucking Al Borland so like who's Al Borland that guy from Home Improvement bearded Al Borland hey

hey Tim Allen the Santa Claus oh are you kidding me thank you fuck this shit up last thing I saw the guy pissing I don't have a hemorrhoid. I had...

You thought you had a hemorrhoid? No, I just said... I don't know why I said that. And... I'm going back to the proctologist today. There's not a such thing as a proctologist. I feel like that's a movie thing. Come with me.

That's my gynecologist. We didn't even talk about that. Oh, we did. The gynecologist? At the Barbie movie. Oh, we did the gynecologist at the barbie movie oh yeah we did yeah yeah i wish she would have gone to the proctologist because then it would have been more inclusive right like i'm human does that mean at some point barbie has her first shit yeah that must be a chilling thing they should have incorporated that into the movie like that like some fart like oh like no flat beat it's like what did you just do well I

blew ass barbie just blew ass and she blows shit all over ken's like sexless crotch you know i would

have never allowed that by the way everybody's like why weren't you in the movie my character was in the movie they died of lupus before the

opening credits thank you bye died of lupus before the opening credits. Thank you. Bye! Bye.