The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Bald Driving School: Where Automotive Dreams Come True with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Is your spouse sick of your night terrors involving narrow driveways and parallel parking? Does the thought of merging onto a freeway during rush hour make your perineum perspire? We here at The Bald Driving School are here to help. With dozens of days of driving experience, our two instructors will guide you through blinkers, beeps, blind spots, and barefoot driving techniques. The Bald Driving School: if you "Can't" drive, we'll teach you so you "Chaka Khan"! Give your cat the food they deserve! For a limited time only, you can get 35% off Smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using our code BALD at https://Smalls.com Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today! Use our code for 10% off your next SeatGeek order* by going to: https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/BALD10 This episode is sponsored by SeatGeek. *Restrictions apply. Max $25 discount Support a balanced gut microbiome and get your gut going with Ritual’s Synbiotic+! Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: https://workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. And here's the scariest part.

By the time companies tell you your data was stolen, it's already been nearly a year. 277 days. That's how long, on average, hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans, and destroy your credit before you even know you've been exposed. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. Hackers aren't waiting. Why are you?

This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait. So why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number. Because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert, so you can act before the damage is done.

What if your identity is already stolen? Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish. That's why Aura provides up to $5 million identity is already stolen. Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish. That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. Your personal data is a gold mine for hackers and Aura helps lock it down. With a VPN for private browsing,

data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your info, and a password manager to help secure your accounts, Aura gives you the tools to fight back. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's aura.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. With the FIZ loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with FIZ.

Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fiz.ca. Can I complain about health for one second? I know we're supposed to have gratitude. One of my fun little symptoms of my arthritis is I just, my skin rejects glue, makeup, shaving. The back of my neck where I wear a wig will get a rash. The lids where the glue is, the eyebrows where the glue is, the hairline where the glue is, anything that rubs, the armpits where the sequins touch. Well, that's great, yeah.

Everything gets, everything the next day is like, thought that shit was pretty cute, didn't you? Thought that was pretty fucking funny, didn't you, bitch? You know what it gets? You may remove your Vigs. Girl! And it's underneath all that nasty stuff underneath. I'm gonna have to become one of those Hollywood starlets

that just sits home slugging in a giant goop mask with a head towel on until like once a month when I go to an event. That's what's gonna happen. Baby, that's me. Yeah. I've been getting into the under eye things. They don't do nothing.

I don't care. I love it. But you feel it. No, I just, I want it. You go to bed with one ice cube on each eyelid. I want, the other day I was like, what was I doing? I was doing the meditating,

cause it's 20 minutes. So I put on the Korean face mask. Sure. Then I secure it with the gel pads, because it was lifting, so I needed to secure it. What do they call it in the morning? The TikToks call it like my morning, it's like an unpeel, my morning shred.

Morning shred. Where the girls wake up and take the sticker off here, take the under-eyes off. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The jaw strap, they're all sticking with the jaw strap on. The headgear. Mary, they all look like they were just in a car accident where they almost died.

Where they're like time-lapse recovering from plastic surgery super quick. Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I, but yeah, but wait, I don't know why I was saying that. We were talking about you putting the little eye patches on trying to feel something. Oh yeah, I feel like, oh. But they're not.

But those are postage stamps. I don't know what you're doing. You know what they look like? I feel like I'm putting pieces of ginger from sushi. Oh, sure. You know how slices of, like, sliced ginger, that's exactly what they look and feel like? And also, they give you a little tool, which I'm not

sure how that tool works. And I will not Google it. But like. Oh, the scooper. The scooper. But how does the scooping thing, I can't figure out for the life of me. It's always an adventure. You open the product, you take the little scooper,

you set down the product, you take your pants off, you put that scooper up your butt, you give yourself a little pap smear. You scream, ooh! And then you taste test it, and you say, why can't we all go to see? Mary, three minutes in, just like the last one, we're talking about filleting feces. Why are we always doing this? Why are you doing this?

It's one of the worst things that can happen. Yeah It's one of the worst and it happens a lot lunchtime talk. Yeah, who's gotta get the feces in there It's um, did you drive here Mary? I drove here by myself Tell me about it. Can I say- Walk me through the whole thing. Start of your outfit selection this morning. Well, I almost wore my platform crocs and I thought, I can't drive in those. That's how a woman dies.

And if you've ever driven with just socks or barefoot, it's gross. It feels weird. The toes touching the ga- Don't say you like it. Mama, I do. And guess what? Oh, you wrap them around.

No, I do the gas and the brake with just the big toe. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Like SpongeBob. Yeah, I don't know, but yes. In SpongeBob, he is taking his driving test and he's like, stop. And then he's like, just,

Patrick says, just use your big toe. And his big toe rips through the shoe and just pushes it. That's you. I'm like with those Margiela camel toe shoes. I just got that blue. But I, you know, and I used to do the left leg up out of the, but then I saw death proof.

I said, no ma'am, no ma'am, no ma'am. Kurt Russell not gonna get me. Also Tempest du jour. She lost a leg in a car? Let's take a break. Is it too early? It's too early, really? Like four minutes in.

We have a call in. Call Tempest du jour. You'll need to unlock your iPhone. I hate when they say that. You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. I hate when they say that. You'll need to turn on location services. You'll need to put on a better outfit. You'll need to fix your hair, you ugly bitch. You'll need to get some braces, you jagged tooth nut case. Wait, before I do that quick, I got to be on After Midnight and I got to hit him with this motherfucker.

Trixie! Shaka Khan! They were writing the jokes and I said, listen, I know this doesn't make sense, this motherfucker. Tracy. Shaka Khan. Oh! They were writing the jokes and I said, listen, I know this doesn't make sense, but at some point I have to say Shaka Khan. It's so great. Only real fans will know. Only real fans will know. That pin straight wig and that 2002 outfit

she's wearing with the glasses, the blue Cantrell look. And she's like, Shaka Khan. So fierce. Was that the weakest link? Yes, and then after I posted it, somebody commented, the Vivian did this, and I Googled it, and Vivian is on the weakest link, and the Vivian just goes, Chaka Khan.

Oh, I love that shit. Ahead of her time. Love it. Creating, constantly raising the bar for all of us. She did it before Rue? No. No, she did it after, like a call back to Rue. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Is the way Rue says it too, you did exactly right. Chaka Khan, it's like, it's like confident. Can I tell you, I was waiting to say it, and I, you know, was, I had these ideas of what to say to this little, and I just, my little boner got so hard, my little twig, I got bricked, bricked up. Bricked up. My little tootsie roll.

Let me see you tootsie roll. Bricked up under that little gown. And I just screamed, Chaka Khan. And it just felt so good. It was very satisfying to say, just in any context. It was like, ma'am, do you have any idea how fast you're driving? Chaka Khan.

Chaka Khan, girl, you know how RuPaul says, oh, I don't see how that's any of your business. That's like her go-to catchphrase. It was- I'm like, girl, go with Chaka Khan. I know, I love the way- How are you today, RuPaul? Chaka Khan.

Yeah, it's fierce. I don't see how that's any of your business. Let's get her on the line. Who are you, oh, Tempest. What's going on? Girl, we're doing the Bald and the Beautiful right now. Say hi. What's up?

Hey. Hey. We were talking about legs getting ripped off. You almost got your leg ripped off, right? Well, yeah, I mean, yeah, I was hanging off. Did you? And how did that take place? I was in a car accident and, and I don't remember much of it.

I mean, I don't remember any of it. I woke up two days later with a morphine drip feeling great with my legs sewn on. Now do you have no recollection of your like, cruising through the summer breeze with the leg hanging out the window with your crocheted bikini top on? No? Yeah, I was hopping, I threw it over one shoulder. Okay.

And... I was driving down the street, sucking my own cock. Yeah. Well, I love you and I had to prove you. I'll call you later. Okay. All right, love you guys. Love you, bye. See, I do know Tempest Azure. You. I'll call you later. Okay. All right, love you guys. Love you, bye.

See, I do know Tempest Azure. You do? And you didn't believe me. Well, she never answers my FaceTimes or phone calls. You know, she and I, we'll call up once or twice a year. She always picks up, you know, she's like, oh, I was just, you know, spoon feeding my emu. Yeah, or burying my bald eagle.

I know. Well, she houses and homes and rescues all these animals. Exotic animals. But many of them are, you know, not at peak health. Yeah. It's like poor Vanderpump. She has all these rescue dogs. She'll adopt a dog that's 12. Well, you know.

And so, you know you're not, you know. But if you're going to go out, you might as well go out in that poisonous moat and those lovely furniture. Honey, let me tell you, nobody lives like her dogs, okay? I know. They have a better life than me, okay? Seriously. You know, we go to the restaurant, she? They have a better life than me, okay? Seriously. You know, we go to the restaurant,

she puts it right on the table. Now, what do you think about that? Animals in restaurants. You know, is it possible that I'm an animal lover, but I don't think I would even let my pet sleep in bed with me? Is that okay? I have a boundary with that.

Hot dog breathing in my face. Right, also, I mean, I think it's going to depend on the breed of dog. I'd say a St. Bernard in the bed, in your twin bed, is going to be a little bit of an issue rather than teacup chihuahua in your California king. Well, if it's... You know what I mean? That's an Lana Del Rey album. Teacup chihuahua in a California king.

Teacup chihuahua in a California king. Rolled over, smushed him to death. Let's call her too. Yeah, call Lana. Call Lana. I'll call her sister Chuck. Hold on. Chuck Lowe. in the California King. She got to hell in the California King. Rolled over, slushed him to death. Yeah, call Lana.

Call Lana. I'll call her sister Chuck, hold on. Chuck Lynn? Actually, I'll call Margaret Qualley. You call Jack Antonoff and then see what we're doing. Ooh. Guess who? Why do you keep air dropping me porn?

Who? Our producer is air dropping me porn. No, she's not. Oh, they're just photos of me in drag. Hard to tell. Guess who's jealous of the photos in drag? No one. Porn. I went to the Queerties last night.

What? I love that I did not get an invitation. It is the, can I say? Where? To the Queerties. Where? Where's the invitation? Where's the envelope?

Tracy, bring up the email. Bring up the email. Where's the envelope? Where's the envelope? Do I receive an envelope? Where are the receipts? Yeah, where are the receipts? Um, I went to... Zhao Jingping in a flood mine basement? Two-one in. Two-one in.

I always go because it's always in Hollywood. It's right by our house. Okay. Our house? Or our... Yeah, kind of. You just come and go whenever you want, huh? That's true. Apparently, I leave towels in every room. She's... Yeah, kind of. You just come and go whenever you want, huh? That's true. Apparently I leave towels in every room.

Grom, she's... Everybody listening at home, I asked her to stay at my house. I did not leave towels everywhere. I did not. Let's talk about it, bitch. Because you know what? This is what happened.

Let me tell you what happened. Exactly what happened. Let me tell you exactly what happened. This is exactly what took place. I went into the home and I invited my friend Joseph over. We went into the hot tub. We had food, he left, and then I went, and then you came home.

Wait, no, you came home that night, right? Yeah, my flight was canceled. I just, so I didn't end up staying the night, but I think prior to that, I had taken the key you gave me with the set of keys and I put them together. And then, so the gardener couldn't get in, right? Or something like that. Yeah, so the housekeeper, the gardener couldn't get in.

So then when, and you were on the phone, the tone was like, I could tell that you were irritated. And I was like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I can't do it. Did I scare you away? You scared the shit out of me. This is what happened. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I said, can you- It's my neurosis. I said, can you make sure that you leave that key scared the shit out of me. This is what happened. I said, it's my neurosis.

I said, can you make sure that you leave that key? And you said, yeah. And then the next day I said, hey, did you leave that key? And you said, no. I said, well, that's what we talked about. I know. So, and I was like, oh gosh, if that is how I feel about this mistake, what if something really bad happens and I'm responsible for it?

I can't do that. What can do that? Ooh, that gave me the chills. Right. Give me the chills. So yeah, I'm sorry about that. That's okay. I, but it's like that's house is such a big responsibility. It's like, I'm surprised you don't have a house manager. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Well, I can't even keep three rooms clean. You know, I think about selling it only because it is a little big. It's so beautiful.

But I also kind of want children, so what if someday I need the rooms for the kids? Also, you've got plenty, you've got multiple options for drowning them. And it's great to have, when my mom, like I like to host Christmas, my mom comes, everybody comes for Christmas and everybody has a bedroom. It's like, it's very nice for hosting family.

Now, what about this though? I mean, I don't mean to blow up your spot, but now I did happen to notice this is something I'm hyper aware of. I love doors that shut and windows that close. I feel very exposed in your home. A lot of windows. Yeah, a lot of windows.

Yeah, you don't mind that? No, I like every window open all the time. I like natural light. I don't care who's looking in. Interesting. What are you gonna see? Can I tell you what happened the other day? Tell me. You don't mind that? No, I like every window open all the time. I like natural light. I don't care who's looking in. Interesting. What are you gonna see? Can I tell you what happened the other day?

Tell me. Someone wander in, take a bath in the bird bath. Someone came in. Okay, so this is part of the driving story. So two days ago, I was pulling out of the driveway in my rental. The, your teeny tiny motorway. The motorway, yeah, the motor court.

Motor court, what do you call that? Motor court. Motor court. And it's teeny tiny. It's one of the doors that goes like this side to side driveway. Yes hit it love Hit it now because you were hasty you didn't know she was all the way out yet I'm learning the love language of the beeps Because these cut this cup this car will beep when there's a car ten feet away, baby So if you're beeping when something's here, how am I supposed to know? The boy who cried beep.

Girl, girl. I can't deal with it. I can't do it. Mary Louise Stryfus in beep. That's the fucking thing. It's horrible. It should beep like, boop. And then closer is, boop.

And then right next to it, she'd be like, ah! Tell it on the mountain because the three days, I told you this the other day, a third day of driving that motherfucking Range Rover, because I learned I could not trust the beep. I went, I ignored the beep and scraped the whole fucking side of that thing. The beeps are inconsistent, they're unreliable,

they're annoying as hell. And they also provide you, they allow you to like maintain this like lack of alertness. Thank you. You know what I mean? You should be looking with your eyes. I am looking. And so when it's beeping all the time,

it makes me feel like, well, I've heard this thing beep when there's a car eight feet away. Right, yeah. So if I am hitting the fucking driveway, you beep what you sow. Yeah. You reap what you beep.

Like, and so then that was a couple days ago. Also, they should say, they should give you a like, like A, B, C, D, E, F, G kind of music lesson about the beeps. So it's like, this is, cause I was totally unfamiliar with the cadence of the emergency correspondence. Like, like, eh, eh, eh, eh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,iated urge. It's like, what is the range? You know what they should replace it with? This is what they, I swear to God, when you're like 10 feet from the heart, it should go, girl. And then when you get like five feet,

it should be like, girl. And then it should go, oh. No, and then it should be like, girl. And then right up to, and then shakakan, right when you back into a person, shakakan. Like that's what it should be. Otherwise this, beep, beep, what? Because I have... So I'm pulling out of the...

I have a driveway at the place I'm standing right now that is... It's very... There's multiple options to hit people in cars. Okay? So I've got a... It's very... The gate opens this way, and then I have to put both windows down to have my ears listening for traffic. And I'm sorry, I don't trust the camera. I don't know why, I know it's accurate.

I just don't trust it. I'm scared of it. So I know there's nothing this way. You better believe I'm looking like back, like it's 1986 and I'm in a car with no power steering. You know, and that's what I do. Cause I just don't trust it. I'm this, I do both.

I mean, it is correct. The camera is, it is not playing. It's telling the truth, because we trust the mirror. I don't know. So I hit the driveway thing. Well, the mirror is sometimes a camera. I wish you saw that sound effect. We should bring back the soundboard. Where's the soundboard?

I missed the soundboard. The soundboard was country. Yeah. So I hit the door and it won't close. And I'm trying to freak out because I'm trying to get where I'm trying to go and it won't close. So then, you know, my little house guest is pressure washing. And somebody in a Domino's shirt walks onto the property and goes, this is my favorite house on the block.

Can I just look around? What? And they said, no. Do they spray them? No. Can I just look around? No, there's pressure washers. They'll take your skin off.

I know. Baby, I don't want to do foot porn. You don't? Don't give them away for free. Girl, see this? I pressure washed the skin off my foot when I was in like fourth grade and I still have a scar. Mama, this toe is a hammer time. What are you talking about?

No, it's not. It's hammer time on them toes. What's wrong with it? It's hammer time. Girl, the men suck it. So, the men suck the toes, so hammer time. Girl, you got chicken feet, honey. That bag is.

Mama, I got ankles bigger than most people's biceps. Thank you, thank you. Quadriceps down low, that's what I got. Cancles most people's biceps. Thank you. Thank you. Quadriceps down low. That's what I got. Cancles that you can only read about. So then I drove myself here today. How? Tell me, right. I drove myself here today.

How did it go? How? What was the emotional temperature of that drive? I hit the driveway door again and I knocked it off the track and broke it again twice in three days. Yeah. So who let the dogs out? So I'm trying to get here. I don't have any dogs out? So I'm trying to get here. I don't have any makeup on yet. I'm trying to get here

and I'm trying to get out of the car. The car stalled on the street. What do you mean stalled? Because I stopped it and put the park on. The door's open. I'm trying to grab the door and pull it closed. I'm like, what the fuck? And I just, you know, got here anyway.

Somebody's probably in my house now. Yeah, jerking it, stroking it. But I had a really good time. I like driving. Can I tell you the weirdest thing about driving again? Did you take the highway? I got here anyway. Somebody's probably in my house now. Yeah, shirking it, stroking it. But I had a really good time. I like driving. Can I tell you the weirdest thing about driving again? Did you take the highway? Yeah.

The one I went? Yeah. Can I tell you the weirdest thing about being in the car? I've never been in the car alone for 10 years. Being in the car alone is creepy boots. It's creepy boots. I'm in there like, hello? Sometimes I just talk in there.

I'll be like, hello? And there's no one in there like hello. Sometimes I just talk in there. I'll be like hello And there's no one in there. I'm going down the highway and it's so quiet and I'm too scared to turn on music I'm like I need to focus. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so I'm just like driving. I was on Coanga Pass and I was like hello I was probably behind you saying Did you drive here? I surely did Almost hit somebody coming out of the driveway. Girl, why not? Why not, why not?

My biggest fear is backing over someone's little dog. Their little hot potato sized dog that I can't see and the car won't beep for. True. The teacup chihuahua. The teacup chihuahua. Well, you know what though, there was a lady,

I went for an evening stroll last night after dinner, like all the Russian couples do, and they, you know what though there was a lady I went for an evening stroll last night after dinner like all the Russian couples do and They you know how they do you can spot a Russian couple. They're not talking to each other They're looking straight ahead and they have their hands behind their back. I put on the evening stroll. It's very cultural thing So there was a there was either Orthodox Jews going for walks on the weekends Yeah, because they can't use electricity. Yeah, so you see him as families walking around Yeah, but they ever after they eat their borscht soup and whatever the fuck after dinner. They're always walking around like maybe they'll say a word to it I like But anyways, so do you like to walk

They a bunch of them and then a lot some crazy ladies with their dogs teeny little dogs on no leash They got a little Parker. They get a little doggie North faced a vest on but no leash. They got a little parka, they got a little doggie north face, a vest on, but no leash. Girl, I think we talked about this, but the gag for me is the 80 pound woman in LA with the Rottweiler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who when you walk by,

they just put their hand on the leash. As if you're gonna stop that stone cold killer dog. It's like Polly Pocket with the monster truck. What do you think you're gonna do? Yeah, and I'm not saying that all dogs are dangerous, and I'm not saying you should be fearful, but what is this leash thing? Or you ever go to, what is it?

What's that place called? Cafe Gratitude. No, you faggot. Why did you say that? No. Because everybody has dogs and children running amok. No, the Hollywood Reservoir. There's a big sign that says no dogs.

It's all dogs in there. All dogs go to Hollywood Reservoir. What about this baby? When I'm just, when I'm, I like to walk around and I guess every piece of grass on the side of the sidewalk is, there's an unwritten sign that I'm not aware of that says, please have your dog shit right here.

And don't you dare pick it up. Don't you dare pick it up. Shit everywhere, shit line streets, beautiful West Hollywood shit line streets. Do you know what people will do? You know in front of my house we have those bushes? People will throw the shit in the bushes. So I'll get home and I'll just smell shit in front of my house. And I'm like, I don't have a dog.

Why does my whole house smell shit? But at least you're not stepping in it and tracking it through on your gorgeous parquet floors with that sumptuous mahogany woodwork. Let's take a break. You're not stepping in it and tracking it through on your gorgeous parquet floors where that sumptuous mahogany would work. Let's take a break. I don't know. I don't know.

Today's episode of Ballin' Beautiful is brought to you by Smalls. You guys know I'm a lifelong vegetarian, lifelong, I love animals. And you know know cats have wormed their way into my little heart. My sister, she has a cat named Cornbread that she's obsessed with that you know what some people have cats that act like dogs they sit they act like dogs I think that that's just a weird way of not

admitting that not every cat has a great personality. My sister's cat does. My sister's cat does something so funny. Cornbread walked into the room and said, is your refrigerator running? And I said, no. And the cat said, well, you better go catch it. And I said, oh my God, cats, stop. You're, you got me. My sister's cat is her baby.

My sister is not a child person. My sister barely loves to hold like children she's related to, while my sister loves her cat. And honestly, her relationship with her cat has made me cat curious, let's say. Let's just say if I ever got the opportunity to get flued out and be the cat sitter, I would. If you're a listener to this show,

you know that cats cannot live without Smalls, okay? To get 35% off plus an additional 50% off in your first order, head to Smalls.com and use the promo code bald for a limited time only. Smalls cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free ingredients you'd find in your fridge and it's delivered right to your door. You guys know for me, a busy person, if I ever had the privilege to cat sit, I would probably want to do something where I get the food delivered to me because who wants to go drive to get this stuff? Like, it's just not, it's not as fun as shopping

for human groceries, okay? That's why cats.com named Smalls their best overall cat food. It's ingredients you'd find in your fridge. My sister's cat is a classic cat. Anything fish, anything chicken, very interested. My sister's cat prefers Smalls cat. Anything fish, anything chicken, very interested. My sister's cat prefers Smalls way more than previous cat foods. I did a taste test. I put two bowls side by side.

I ate both. I'm going to tell you, they both taste like cat food, but one just tastes a little more like the ingredients I'd find in my fridge. Still not a believer in Smalls. New York Magazine called Smalls the best cat food according to veterinarians, okay? One Buzzfeed person said, my cat went completely ballistic for that stuff. And you know what? We do so much stuff for human beings on the ball and the beautiful. I'm very happy to be sponsored by a cat food company.

I do believe that animal nutrition is easily overlooked and the responsibility of owning a pet is looking out for their health, the way you look out for your own. Okay. After switching to Smalls, 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements. That's a big deal. Cats are so sensitive and they will hide symptoms of illness or not feeling well to the very last moment, okay? They won't tell you their digestion's not doing good.

You just have to like feed them the best you can. What are you waiting for? Give your cat the food they deserve. For a limited time only, because you are a Bald and Beautiful listener, get 35% off Smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using my code BALD. That's an additional 50% off when you head to Smalls.com and use promo code BALD. Again, that's promo code BALD for an additional 50% off your first order plus free shipping

at Smalls.com. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. It's April and as we all know, April showers bring May flowers. at Smalls.com. from that amazing afternoon nap and you have a rash on your left cheek? Could it be an allergic reaction to the dust mites hiding in your pillow? Or what if that new moisturizer from the Swiss Alps is contaminated with trace amounts of alpaca fur? ZockDoc calls this the is this normal rabbit hole and it happens to all of us. When the symptoms subside after a few hours you move on and forget about it. But then the next morning the same thing happens. Well I'm here to tell you that enough is enough. You need to book an appointment with a great doctor

so you can figure out what's causing it. And when you finally find out that you have a severe allergy to edelweiss that is grown alongside the moisturizer farm in the Swiss Alps, you'll have ZocDoc to thank. With ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it insanely easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network

doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. They have over 100,000 doctors from literally any specialty including allergists, so you can rest assured you can find the perfect doctor for that whole cheek rash situation. You can filter for doctors who take your specific insurance who are located nearby if you hate driving like me, or find ones with specific office hours to match your crazy drag queen schedule. And most importantly, you can find doctors who are highly rated by real life verified patients.

You can even see their real time appointment openings, choose a time that works for you and instantly book a visit with just a few clicks. Same day appointments are also available in many cases which is ingenious. The best part is that ZocDoc is completely free to use. You can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors with ease which is why I love ZocDoc. It turns out that I am triple jointed and now I'm considering starting a career in the circus arts. ZocDoc helped me find the best doctor in my area and booked them

fast. If I can find a great doctor so can you and all because of ZocDoc helped me find the best doctor in my area and booked them fast. If I can find a great doctor, so can you, and all because of ZocDoc. Stop putting up those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash bald to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bald, zocdoc.com slash bald.

Can I tell you more about the queries? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. Tell me about the drive here. What was the highlight? What was the highlight? What was your favorite part? I keep, you know, can I say I talk during the drive? So because I haven't driven in so long. And now you're talking to other cars. You're saying move saying move you bitch cuz no you're gonna think this is crazy I'll go like

turn Okay. All right. We're gonna break like I'll kind of talk and then great If people do things that are illegal, I will be like, oh my god Yeah, she didn't just turn into the nearest permissible lane. I was like blinker blinker. Hello blinker every time Someone doesn't use a blinker. I act like I just accidentally opened a browser and it was porn. I was like, blinker, blinker, hello, blinker. Every time someone doesn't use a blinker, I act like I just accidentally opened a browser and it was porn. I'm like, ah! When someone, nobody uses the blinker on the highway.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, I... Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. We got, no, that is, yes, people are wilding out like that. People are, ugh. Sugar, we're going down swinging. Yeah. It's bad.

It's just, nobody seems to be on the same page. Nobody even seems to be reading the same book. Nevermind, nobody's in the same library. Yeah, it's bad. It's just nobody seems to be on the same page Nobody even seems to be reading the same book. Never mind. Nobody's in the same library. Like it's crazy linkers woke Like is that what's going on here? Is it like pussy shit? It's like I don't want you don't need to know where I'm going Oh used a blinker I mean I Again, this is our blinkers the lame stream media Thinkers are the gotcha questions of the lamestream media. Right.

The gotcha questions of the lamestream media. Again, today with the three, I counted it three times. First of all, people do not know what the fuck to do with a stop sign. Let me tell you what to do with a stop sign, okay? This is very basic. You're rolling up to the stop sign to my left. You get there, you're stopped two seconds,

two full seconds before I've even begun my stop. Go, you bitch, go! It's, waiting for me is confusing. You're not doing me a favor. It's your fucking turn, bitch, go! Like, are you talking about a four way stop? Yes. Oh, okay.

Like, girl, like, this is, we need efficiency. I don't know you, you don't know me. This is not your good deal, efficiency. I don't know you you don't know me This is not your good deal. Do you know what else really? Somebody waves me and I was like, yeah, it's my turn You go I go I was gonna go I was here before you What are you talking about? They're like three blocks down the street. Yeah. Why don't you go ahead bitch? I've been here born in the game. I've been at this light for two weeks, okay? Fuck.

Or like the whole, the fucking comedy of errors when it's like you both do that, then you both go, then you both stop, then you both go. You might as well just get out of the car and start making out. That's what I think you should start doing. But I can't, people do, people love to do these like teeny tiny not good deeds, like masquerading as good deeds.

Like, and I think that they really do think that, this is gonna make me, I'm a good person right now. You know, this is my good deed of the day. It's like, no bitch, you're a confusing flop. Like play by the rules and we'll all get to where we're going safely. Right. There's some things I feel very ironclad about,

which is you've turned the blinker on before you start braking. Well, yeah. You turn the blinker on at the precise moment it is indicated for you to turn. Like, you don't turn it on, like, you know... I think at driving school, they say turn it on before you brake. Like, right before you start.

I don't understand, what did you brake? Like, you shouldn't be braking before your turn and then turn it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but I'm talking about like... I feel strong about that. And also, but like if you're, you know how sometimes there are left lanes, multiple left lanes, and then like before a light or before a street?

I don't know, sometimes that can get a little wacky because people love to charge through like the left lane when they're really trying to go left at the light, three blocks up. But there are two other left exits onto streets. Do you know what I'm trying to say? It's people get a little wild. And I am the left green arrow police chief of Los Angeles. The radical left. The radical left green arrow.

I am. When it comes to that arrow, I am so hyper vigilant. I am so hyper fixated and I will not take no for an answer. Right. Just today, a good 14 cars missed an opportunity because one motherfucker was not paying attention. Only three people went. Right. That's...

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know. Ugh. It's gonna be hard. Ugh.

It's gonna be a hard year. Ugh. It's gonna be a really hard year. Um, can I tell you about the queerties? Oh, yes. Did you go and drag? No, I was doing after midnight all day. So... That's funny.

I was doing after midnight all day. Oh, yeah, I was doing after midnight all day. And so I got out of drag at like 6, 5 or 6, and I was like, all right, I'm just gonna shower quick, and then I'll go. You know, it's either get drunk at home or get drunk there. True. Was it open bar? No.

Maybe it was, I don't know. It was both? It depends on what you order. Like a well drink I think was open. But if you want a margarita espresso martini, you gotta cough up the money. Yeah, so it was fun. I did a little, like, you know,

I don't have like nice outfits. So I wanna go on the red carpet and take a nice picture, but I hate the way I look and everything I wear. So it's a double edged sword, but I like to feel like, ooh, we're here. I wanna someday look back at this, look at me on this little picture. But I hate my clothes, hate my face, hate my body. Well, then you don't want Miss Getty

in images up in that mix. Right, I know. When I went to Gigi and Nat's house, I kicked the walls and go, is this? What'd you get, selling pictures of me, huh? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, grainy HD, ultra HD stubble shots of me looking haggard, thank you, bitch.

Thank you for highlighting the distinct color differences between my top and bottom teeth with that picture. Thank you for letting everybody know every single one of my flaws. Right. Yeah. So, I don't know, I saw a door, haven't seen a door in a long time. That girl.

And a window. Hello. Hello. She was there with her boyfriend, they looked great. Some people just look great. Mama, that girl looks like, that girl is so, she is so pretty. She looked great. She's so pretty.

I saw Crystal Method. She looked fun. I hate that name for obvious reasons, but like, I hate that name. Yeah. I think it's probably because I'm a crystal meth addict. Like, and I'm trying to not do crystal meth. You know what I mean?

That's the same reason you can't watch Mad Men. I know. What? Triggering. It is so triggering. Everybody's smoking and they're making it look so hot. Yeah. But sorry, go ahead.

Bob hosted. Bob was there. She did? Yeah. She had a dress and a wig on. Did she? Did Layla, was Layla there? No, it was just she was on her own.

So she looked terrible. You're really trying to start beef with Bob on the sibling rivalry. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. Bob is a great host that moved quickly, which I appreciate. I saw Jinx last year. Love them both, Bob will keep the show moving.

Jinx, you know that you will hold us hostage for four hours, okay? Rambletina, Rambletina, Rambletina. Bob is quick, concise, consistent, and yeah. Yeah. And Bob just made some wonderful jokes. The girls, Delta Work won for her pod, but she wasn't there. So Willem came up with a cardboard cut out of Delta Work.

That's awesome. That's fun. That's funny. It was some fun winners. I just don't always... I love Bob as a... She's a great host. You can trust her to be in control.

Yes. And roll with the punches, but also, you know, tonally. She knows how to do a serious moment. You don't have to be in control. Yes, and roll with the punches, but also, you know, tonally. She knows how to do a serious moment. You don't have to worry about her. She's so competent. Right. She's just fierce. Yeah, she is. When I'm like, she's hosting, it's gonna be a great night.

It's gonna flow. Everything's gonna be funny. Nothing to worry about, yeah. So it was really fun. Also, sometimes it's the only time you see certain gay people. I'm like, oh, there's Michael Henry. There's, uh, Roz, uh... The psychic? Oh, that's Tyler Henry. There's Ross. The psychic? Oh, that's Tyler Henry.

What about Tyler, the creator? He wasn't there. Didn't make it. I saw Money Exchange. Money Exchange. I saw Plane. Plane Game. I saw Morphine, obviously.

I just thought, oh, I got drunk and took videos of her. I don't even know if she knows. Morphine again. Getting drunk and walking up to her and filming and walking away. Oh, and also there was a drag queen and you know the one in London called Meth. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Me filming and screaming. Ah! Me coming up drunk from the bar filming and going, ah!

Wait, wait, tell me, what is the genesis of Morphine being your child? Where did that, where does the paternity test come in? I just think she's the best, most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. So you claimed her as your child. Yeah, I started to feel very close to her. Parasocial relationship. I think she knows almost nothing about me.

And I just like, when she's in the room, I'm like, everybody shut up. My daughter's cousin. Oh, God, look at her hair. I made that girl. She sprang from my womb. She was talking about her car accident, and she was still kind of recovering from that, and she had to get so many... What? Oh, that's right.

Yeah, she was upright and looked gorgeous, but she was like, yeah, still kind of dealing with that. Probably addicted to morphine at this point. Well, boop. When they rolled in the morphine drip, she was probably like, the irony, you know? Really? But everybody just looked... well, not everybody looked great. I don't know why I said that.

Who looked horrible? People looked fucking crazy. Who looked horrible? Come on, Joan Rivers, tell me. You know, it's not my place to say. I just hope that these big tall men with their broad shoulders and square jaws have a great time with their no padding and tiny, tiny hair. I hope they're having a great time.

Oh, you're talking about drag queens. Yeah, they just, I just bricked up. Bricked up. Bricked up. Bricked up. tiny, tiny hair. I hope they're having a great time. Oh, you're talking about drag queens. Yeah, I just bricked up. Bricked up. Girl, legos. Yeah, masonry. Girl. Shrek 4.

The... They're giving free masons out at night, like after work brick layer. Yeah, I hope the girls are... But you know, everybody was having fun. Oh, that's good. And that's fun. Now, do you win any money when you win a queer tee?

I don't believe you do because I have received one myself. No, you get to go up there and take your little prize. Give a speech. I have a bunch of them. They're in my house. Mm-hmm. What'd you win for? I was nominated for Trixie Motel Drag Me Home.

Who won reality? It was Drag Race. It can't be Drag Race. Well. The unbeatable juggernaut. This episode is brought to you by Seed Geek. Picture this. It's 1990. A very young boy named Brian is all alone in his room, listening to FM radio on his brand new Sony Walkman. While nodding his little head to all the top 50 hits of the day, suddenly the music comes back on after a crazy Eddie Electronics store commercial in a diva screams, everybody dance

now, while a pulsating beat fills his eardrums, creating an intoxicating mix of dance pop magic. Well, guess what? It's now 2025 and I want to relive that formative moment of my life. Thanks to SeatGeek, I just purchased two tickets for C&C Music Factory Live. And just like that squirrel trying to get a nut to move your butt, the SeatGeek, I just purchased two tickets for CNC Music Factory Live. And just like that squirrel trying to get a nut to move your butt, the SeatGeek app has over 28 million downloads, making it the number one rated ticketing app. There are more than 70,000 events listed on SeatGeek, including concerts, sports, festivals, and more. Right

now you can get tickets to see Mary J. Blige, Vanilla Ice, Hamilton, and even sporting events like soccer and baseball. We're talking Beyonce, Kendrick Lamar, and SZA, Katy Perry, Dua Lipa, and more. The best thing about SeatGeek is that the app is insanely easy to use. I'm currently investing all of my income to ensure that my home doesn't double as a mold production factory, so I'm being careful about my big ticket purchases this summer. SeatGeek has an innovative system for people on the lookout for a great deal. Each ticket is rated on a scale of 1 to 10, so I know I'm getting a good deal. So look for the green dots. Green means good, red means bad. Plus, every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee. If you like seeing live concerts, theater, and sports,

you need to get on SeatGeek Friends. Just for our fans, you can use code BALL10 for 10% off your next set of tickets at SeatGeek. That's 10% off tickets with promo code bald10. Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later. Again, that's code bald10 for 10% off tickets. Thank you SeatGeek for sponsoring this week's episode. Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by Ritual. Okay.

I want to talk to you about changes in gut health. It seems like everything in your body, in your mind, in your spiritual bubble is connected to your gut microbiome. We're learning so much about the gut microbiome and how it's the key to mental health, immunity, and of course digestion, right? If you're looking for digestive support, Ritual has got your back, or rather, your biome, with Synbiotic Plus, a 3-in-1 supplement of clinically studied, pre, pro, and post-biotic to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. You guys, I have my little pill organizer with all my little vitamins and minerals and all my

arthritis medication and everything, and Ritual's just an easy little thing to pop in there. And the pills are really pretty, side note, I don't know why that matters, but they are. I like the products because it's just not the first thing I think about, but especially since I'm immuno deficient, the way my body processes food and my gut is so connected to your immune system. It's very easy to not think of it that way, but it's kind of the most important thing.

The Daily 3-in-1 prebiotic, probiotic, and postbiotic features two of the world's most clinically studied probiotic strains to support gut and digestive health. Once daily pop of mint scented capsule. It really, it's a very soft mint, I will say. It's not a tic-tac vibe, but it's certainly better than that kind of waxy, plasticky flavor sometimes you get from vitamins.

It's, you pop open the container and it just has a very soft mint little kick to it. And it's also vegan friendly, alright? Free of major allergens, animal products, weird fillers, and artificial colors. So get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash bald. That's ritual.com slash bald for 25% off your first month. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. By the time you hear about a data breach, your information has already been exposed

for months. On average, companies take 277 days to report a breach. That's nine months where hackers have access to your personal data, your name, address, phone number, even your social security number before you even know it's out there. Think about it. Nine months is enough time for criminals

to open accounts in your name, rack up debt, and disappear, all while you're left dealing with the mess. And when the company finally tells you, it's too late. The damage is already done. Data breaches aren't slowing down. They're getting bigger. And the delays in reporting them aren't helping. Right now, your personal information

could already be on the dark web, and you wouldn't even know it. How long do you want to wait before taking action? That's why we're thrilled to partner with Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. Additionally, Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance, offering a robust safety net in the event of a worst-case scenario.

Aura goes the extra mile by scanning the dark web for your sensitive info and alerting you instantly if anything is found. And if ID theft strikes, no need to panic. Aura's US-based 24-7 broad resolution team works around the clock to fix it fast and get you back on track. Aura is a complete online safety toolkit,

which includes a variety of other features to keep you safe online, including a VPN for secure browsing, DataBroker opt out to stop companies from selling your personal information, a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords, and more. For a limited time,

Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones.

That's aura.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. I like to go to that shit though, because it is all the fun gay people. That's the most fun award show. I've never been, because they've never invited me. I wonder why they have a personal vendetta against me. Probably because I'm so sexy.

They think they'll put everybody to shame. Does she get invited? You're never going to the house. What are you talking about? I don't have a house. When would you realistically go? When someone invites me. Can we just be so for real?

I do not receive. You could be paying paid to go, and your companion could be Julia Roberts, and you wouldn't go. That is patently false, and how dare you? Um, because on Tuesday nights, Julie and I play Mahjong. Tuesday night was last night, right? Mahjong at Julia's. I went late and left early.

Went next door and got some Italian food, Gemma and Hollywood Gemma's. No, who would look the best? Who was the best dress of the evening? At the risk of saying morphine again, I'm gonna not say morphine because I think she is the fucking best look. She makes everyone just look like a fucking dog. Really?

She makes everyone look like a fucking dead dog. Oh, my God. A dead dog. That's funny. Who looked really beautiful? Was Farrah there? Because I saw the... This morning I saw a clip of Farrah on Delta that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

She's everything. She was talking about killing a spider and how she was... She was found a spider in her house and she was really worked up. So she Googled it and she thought it was a brown recluse. And so she killed it, but then later on she found out it was a wolf spider. And she just was... she was so... She felt like she'd brushed with death. Oh, wait, you're not supposed to kill those?

No, because wolf spiders are harmless and she felt such a pang of guilt that it was like a shook her to her core. And I was like, that is so funny. Looking like flawless, gorgeous D.Va, talking about the guilt of having killed a spider, it is amazing. She's too pure for this world. Yeah. Who else did I see?

Oh, Luxemar London looked pretty good. Monet was in this, like... You know when people do, do like oversized giant suits? I hate it. Yeah, I thought, I said, I love your bathrobe and she laughed and you know, but also I'm not the, who cares what I think of your clothes?

Of course not. Who cares what I think? I mean, I am, do you know about that Nikki guy? I'm sure you, I know you do. It's the guy who's like, no, yes, slay, incredible, needs to work harder. You know, like he goes down the list. He's like a super, super bitchy fag fashion critic.

I'm sure you know him. I'm sure you do. He was actually on my episode of After Midnight. He's very opinionated, very fashion focused, Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok. He's like, he iconically says like, terse, succinct, funny reads of fashion. He would, sometimes he, these most,

sometimes these outlandish looks, he's like, unbelievable, and I'm like, what? So it's very subjective. It's very subjective, I don't know. And also, when I don't like something, I go consider the source, me. You're probably wrong. But I don't like it, but who fucking cares what I think?

I know. Who cares what I think? But that's what I love about fashion. It's so divisive and it's so subjective and people get so angry. I love that shit. Yeah, but Monet won an award, which was great. What did Monet win for? Biggest suit.

Yeah, Monet won for Dungeons and Drag Queens. Dungeons and Drag Queens. Biggest suit. Shut up. Largest apparel. I got to meet Joella Dynasty. That girl from Drag Race who is like, you know, sometimes when the legends go on Drag Race

and they don't do well, like, love that shit. Yeah, yeah. It was exciting to meet her. Delulu. Delulu. Delulu. That's how I want my drag queens. Yeah, yeah. Delulu Lemon. I don't want, like, rooted in reality. These people aren't disguises.

They have fake names. You don't want humility. You don't want, like, politeness. You just want Dalululemon. This person was porn. I think their name is Zane Phillips. I definitely know who that is. I do. I couldn't believe... I just have... Yeah, he was in the movie with...

What? An absurdly attractive person. He was in Fire Island, among other things. Yeah, just looked great. A lot of the girls were doing weird shit. Like, a lot of the girls were doing... Frankie Grande came up to me and I said, girl, I said, are we doing X-Men? She was like, she said, I guess we are.

This is pink in X-Men. I know. She came up to me and I go, girl, I was watching the red carpet and I said, I guess the girls are doing X-Men this year. Also, these blue Cantrell glasses. This is giving blue Cantrell. Who is that? This is blue won't trail. You know blue Cantrell?. This is giving blue cantrell. Who is that? This is blue won't-trell.

You don't know blue cantrell? Ladies got hit-em-up style. Oh, sure, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was fun. I like to go, I like to have the drinks, and I like to see everyone's outfits. I like to see the people.

I got to see Sam Pancake, Roz Hernandez. Who was the most famous person there, you think? Who would you say is the most critically acclaimed? Well, one of the actresses from Wicked was there. Cynthia Rivo? Marissa Bode was there. Absolutely. And that was fun.

And they said she was the first actress to use a wheelchair to play that character who's in a wheelchair ever, which is an interesting comment. I was like, oh yeah, wow. And then the director was there, right? John Hsu? Not the director. No.

Somebody else was there. It was the girl, have you prayed today? Isn't that horrible? I go to these things and I'm like, there were people. And the director was there, right? Not the director. No. Somebody else was there. It was the girl, have you prayed today? Isn't that horrible? I go to these things and I'm like, there were people. There were people and they were there. What am I gonna do? When they walk on stage, open my phone

and start Googling them? Do you know about this girl on TikTok, the model who's like, so outrageously funny. It's like, it's giving Mona Lisa, it's Mona Lisa, have you prayed today? No. You don't know about it, it's Alex Constantine. I don't know how to say's Mona Lisa. Have you prayed today? No. You don't know about it. It's Alex Constidy.

I don't know how to say your last name. You don't know? Oh. No, I'm hung up on, my current obsession is Lovina, the ex Amish cook. Oh, that is wild. They were going to be making French baguette.

The special way that you make the, it's awesome. She was making like a tart and she said, first you pour in the citric acid. Her accent is so awesome. It sounds very jarring. And she's a great cook and she's sharing. I also am like, you know, most people who are Amish

don't get a chance to go on TikTok and share these recipes. So it feels like very privileged information that we're like, wow. It's a window into a secret world. It's so cool. I mean, I love, I bought both her, I bought her cookbook and I bought her book of home remedies. And I think I'm gonna do, they have, um... You're gonna wrap some wheat.

One of the recipes is good jogging in a jug. And it's supposed to be like, like part of a cleanse, I think. Okay. Ooh. I love watching her cook. I think I might do the master cleanse. You think it's fake? I know it's fake. I know it's fake. I know it's fake.

I don't know, it's in the Amish book. Are you talking about the cayenne lemon and all that shit? Oh yeah, maple syrup and cayenne lemon and- Here's the thing. There's also, I think you take laxatives too, that's part of it. That is, I, now I'm, listen, not a doctor, obviously not an nutritionist, not an influencer

who tries to influence people. That's me. I don't try to do it, but I think it's bullshit. Can I say, I don't think weight loss should be glorified, but if you're trying to... You just gotta burn more calories than you consume. So in Australia, I said, I'm gonna get on the horse, and I've been on the horse, and I was...

A horse means hair went. I lost five pounds. I lost five pounds. Great! And I tried to. I did exercise and ate well. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Good for me. I think... I'm to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did exercise and ate well. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Good for me.

I think... I'm not glorifying weight loss, but I wanted to lose five pounds and I did it. Well, fucking A, that's great. I mean... I'll probably swing back the other way in just a few days. Get back up there.

Don't worry, Ten will be back tomorrow. Yep, for sure. Well, I mean, think about... I always think about Oprah. She's a billionaire, and she's always struggled with her weight, always a billionaire, and she's always struggled with her weight, always struggled with, and it's just been a lifelong struggle for her,

for the ultra-rich person. She has access to everything a human being could possibly have access to. And she still struggles with food and weight, so it's hard. Yeah. You know? I think we talked about it on one of the live shows.

Yeah, I know we did, because I made a PowerPoint. I have been deep diving on the Am shows. Yeah, I know we did, cause I made a PowerPoint. I have been deep diving on the Amish. Like I know too much. I know too much. I've consumed so much documentary content about the Amish. I can't even, I could tell you everything. I could tell you everything about the Amish now. And I ended my little binge by watching For Richer or Poorer,

that 90s movie with Tim Allen and Kirsty Alley. They play rich people who are in trouble with the IRS, so they go into hiding with the Amish. I think I remember this one. So they go from like very high rise New York. The Sister Act vibes. Yeah, so they pretend to be Emma and Jacob Yoder. Okay, how do they do?

Well, you know, she's like churning butter and doing embroidery and he has to like work on a farm. And of course they- Lot of country mouse, city most kind of things. You know, through hard work and community, they learn, wow, we've been shitty people. And they join them in the end. They don't join them in the end.

They are like, wow, we've been shitty people. And they fix their marriage. They kind of like, and I know it's difficult to agree with either of their politics now. Oh, we're not getting into it. But at the time, I hadn't watched a movie since I was a kid. I was like, this is a great movie. Well, you know, it's funny when you revisit a lot of 90s, like, gems,

movies that you recall having been, like, just comfort movies or lovely movies, or you just, oh, that's one of my favorite movies. And then you revisit it and you realize, oh, my God, the plot of Overboard is this man kidnaps this woman and forces her into slavery and rapes her. You know what I mean? It's like, it's pretty intense.

He forces her into a sex life. Sounds like the right sex life. And then they had the gal to try to flip the script and make it woke by doing a, by having it be a man. Like, what? And it's a bummer because it is a full Stockholm syndrome reversal pretty woman situation.

Like she does, she, I was a rich bitch and I was an asshole and I should be poor. And I love this man and I'll go with him and it's all good. It's wild. Yeah. Because I enjoy it so much. Well, you have to be critical, right?

You have to acknowledge. You gotta re-evaluate. And you know what it represents? What? Growth, awareness, society slightly improving, right? If it's weird to watch now, it means that we've learned more. Yeah, and also, like, I mean, that era of, I mean,

I mean, I watched a lot of movies in the 90s. So that era was so rife with the trans panic storylines or the twists or whatever, you know, like, soap dish and all that stuff. It's wild. Oh, my God, Ace Ventura, crazy. Crazy. I... Every time I think of that, I'm like, holy shit.

Because I was with my parents watching the crying game. OK? I've never seen that. OK, so what happens is there is a, the robe comes off, and there's a tight shot of dick and balls. Yes, it's a full frontal reveal. Really? Yes.

And the guy who is having, about to have sex with this woman, during the woman, is horrified. It's a horrifying moment. And then, of course, Ace Ventura takes us to the next level, where it's the most disgusting revelation that could possibly take place. But everyone throws up. Everybody throws up.

Like, and the Goonies are not the Goonies, but you know when, like, there's a, you know, when throwing up is contagious? Yeah. Like, I was like, I was like, but this is so, it's so not true. You have a penis. I was gonna say, there's a lot of things on the body that can be gross.

A penis or a vagina is not one of them. But it's not gross. No, it's not gross. It's like a huh. Huh, I didn't know. It's like the's not gross. It's like a huh. Huh, I didn't know. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like the Kombucha girl. It's like Britney Broski.

It's like, ah, ah, ah. Right. You know what I mean? But it's not, bleh. Right. That's, if you have bestering maggoty wound, I would say, bleh. Which I do.

Yeah. Bleh. My first boyfriend. It's crazy though. It's not based in reality. Right. My first boyfriend. It's crazy though. It's not based in reality. Right. My first boyfriend was uncircumcised and I had never seen that before.

And so it was the first man I'd ever been with. We're in my dorm room. And I remember just pausing and going like, I've never seen that before. It's interesting. I need a tutorial. And I got a tutorial for a couple years. You got to, you got to. gotta stretch that thing over my head.

I just, I do whatever. It's, I mean. It does nothing to do with, that type of reaction has everything to do with the person reacting and nothing to do with the person or the body or, you know? No, and it's so, it's just so funny to me because like, another movie where there's like

a trans panic shock twist is like just one of the guys when he opens his tuxedo and there are two gorgeous breasts. My bosom's falling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like double Ds, Terry's got the double Ds. I have seen that movie. Yeah. One of the guys, right?

Just one of the guys. With the sock in the front and yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have seen that movie. Yeah. One of the guys, right? Just one of the guys. With the sock in the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just so crazy. What I do love about these type of storylines, it happens in Yentl, it happens in... Tootsie. What I love about it is somebody's,

somebody having a midlife, am I gay crisis? Mm-hmm. Because they start to fall for this character and they don't know. So then they're like, am I Les? I love that. It's so funny. It's so funny. People are so... Because they start to fall for this character and they don't know. So then they're like, am I less? I love that. It's so funny.

It's so funny. People are so... I've had moments where I go, am I not gay? Really? Yeah, when I was looking at all that porn with women, I was like, am I bisexual? I know. I don't think so.

I know. It's so funny that it's always like, am I this or that? Am I this? Which immediately cancels out the other thing, it's like, no, it's like, I like broccoli doesn't mean I don't like carrots. Do you know what I mean? You can like chili.

Or you like noodles. Or you like noodles. Yeah. It's like, do I like broccoli? Do I not like, you know what I mean? It's like- I love Josh. Yeah.

I love Josh. I love dicks. That's another, whenever I'm at Beverly Hills and I drive by that fountain, cause you can see that fountain, I always say I love Josh. I love Dicks. That's another, whenever I'm at Beverly Hills and I drive by that fountain, because you can see that fountain, I always say I love Josh. I love Josh. You have to say I love Josh. You gotta say it.

You gotta say it out loud. You gotta say it out loud. You gotta beep the horn too. Girl. Beep it though. The Senate thing, did you see that clip, bitch? No. It was at a Congress,

I hope I get this right, Congress, some kind of hearing or some kind of congressional session, It was at a Congress, I hope I get this right, Congress, some kind of hearing or some kind of a congressional session and a delegate from, it was, fuck I can't remember her name, trans woman, an elected politician, was misgendered purposefully by this guy.

And then she playfully referred to him as madam. And then the guy refused to, and then another guy intervened and said, this is unacceptable. But the guy wouldn't budge. He would not call her ma'am. He wouldn't call her madam chairman or madam secretary, whatever.

These people are dumb. And it was fucking crazy. And I'm just like, you just grow up. Girl dying on these little dick hills. Tiny dick hills. Tiny dick, you go ahead, girl. Girl teeny little dick ass motherfuckers think they got a big dick.

Like Donald Trump is opening what? A used Tesla dealership in the parking lot of the White House? We have more important things to worry about. Oh my God. It's just so stupid. And these people, it was I think the the purpose of the meeting was like a defense. It was the subject matter of the meeting was like very heavy. And he's getting hung up. He won't call her, you know, mad.

It's just mama. It's just too much. It's horrible. It's all so bad. It's so corny. Her name's Sarah McBride. McBride. Sarah McBride. Oh, yes. They said Mr. McBride. He was like, Mr. McBride is crazy. Crazy.

What a turd. Yes, he was just a piece of shit. And then so the guy, I think the leader, he just adjourned the meeting. They just adjourned the meeting. And the meeting was done. And I was like, our taxpayer dollars. People are trash bags.

You know? People are garbage. Meanwhile, all these fucking politicians are just dicking around, eating that fucking Spago, getting bread bowls of Panera on our dimes. Even if you don't believe in, let's say, if you want to call it ideology, if they call it, I don't believe in trans ideology, whatever.

Would it kill? Even if you don't believe in it, just say it. Just fucking say it. Just say it. Well, because I could say my policy is that I don't agree with it, but you could still just. I think though, because there's a. Say madam, it doesn't mean you're gonna.

No, I think it does. I think, and I do, I understand that they are bowing, they are allowing some hideous ideology to be true, which they can't abide. It's like fucking J.K. Rowling, that fucking just, that hideous hag will just die on that billionaire mountain of like, of turf trans denial. And it's like, wow, just shut the fuck up.

Obsessed, they're obsessed with it. Obsessed, obsessed with- Doesn't affect them. Obsessed with getting assaulted by some fucking, like I mean Hollywood, some kind of Brian DePalma-esque like trench coat, he, she in a bathroom trying to attack people that doesn't exist.

It's just crazy. Well, I do love these tweets from like, you know, people who are very passing. I love these tweets from like a very passing trans man being like, fine, I'm coming to the bathroom with your wife. Yeah. It's just like some hot guy. It was like, also, did you see that TikTok guy sent you that?

Which was? Wait, wait, wait, I gotta TikTok I sent you? That was... Which was? Which was? Wait, wait, wait, I gotta play this audio. I'm sorry. This was so horny. This was so horny. Did you pray today? I love to send you TikToks.

I know, I usually don't open them. Why won't you be my friend? No, I wanna be your friend, but I just don't, I can't do TikToks, I know, I'll get sucked in. This is my favorite. This is Republicans talking about, this is a creator, Pineapple Honeydew says, this is Republicans talking about trans women

in the men's restaurants. And if you're a trans lady, I'm gonna need you to bring your cock to the cock room. Okay? There's no men's and women's bathrooms no more. It's the cock room and the pussy room. The pussy and tits with a vagina room okay so i'm gonna need you to take your cock and i'm gonna need you to bring it to the room where i bring my cock and we're gonna piss together

okay that's what they said they're obsessed with the genitals. They are. They're obsessed with it. Because they're grooming and groping. Because they're grooming and groping at the theater, Bobert. It's also like, are you telling me as a cis man that if you were in a bathroom where there was women, you wouldn't be able to control yourself? You'd be kicking down bathroom doors and saying, show me those titties and your pussy? Is that what you're saying? I'm sorry

I can't go to the urinal because my dick is compelled to slide between your big hot breasts because I know there might be a woman In that stall over there. Yeah, I'm too erect to pee Fucking pervert. You're a weird pervert exactly I'm fucking pervert. I can't stand it. It is such a thing. I need to bring your cock to the cock room. It's weird. It's so weird.

Also, the fact that the- It's also weirdly telling trans women like, come pee with me. Like it's kind of pervy in that way. But let me tell you something. Let me tell you motherfucking something about when I'm in the airport and have to go to the public restroom,

I don't want to go there. I wish they were all one person in bathrooms. I don't want, I don't ever want to go to the bathroom. At my house, at your house, at anybody's house, at the airport, at Wendy's. It's disgusting. I wish we hadn't, I don't, I wish we'd... And it burns when I pee. And it always has.

I always have hemorrhoids. And the blood. No, but like, it smells like shit. It's just something we have to get over with. Nobody's trying to hang out in the bathroom. No. It's just not something we're doing, okay? Like, yeah, certain gay guys cruise the Home Depot.

That's their gig, okay? That's not, that doesn't concern you, okay? That's their gig. That's out in the open. It's Adam and Eve, not Black and Decker. Okay? You stay away from the Home Depot, you go to't concern you, okay? That's their gig, that's out in the open. It's Adam and Eve, not Black and Decker, okay? You stay away from the Home Depot, you go to Lowe's, okay? Just get out of here. Okay, we gotta go. But wait, you are so right about that.

It's like, if that's what's on your mind, if that's the person- You're a pervert! It's you, baby, it's you. You are the problem. So you think that if you knew there was a woman going pee in here, you would be so wrecked and bricked and turned on.

Yeah, kick that door down and open that mouth so that pee stream goes in your mouth. You can't, you couldn't pee with a woman you don't know pee. Too hot, too erect, too arousing, too provocative. That's a pervert. And I think a lot of these bathroom things, it's because women don't feel comfortable peeing with men around.

Well also, just the fact that women have to grow up and live their lives under the constant threat of assault by men everywhere. Also, the paradox... Not in the bathroom, in the street, on the, at the horse race, wherever. The paradox is, if you're Republican and you're obsessed with making these biological females

use the women's room, you're sending men into the women's room. Right. You're actually sending... By sending trans men into the women's room. You're sending men into the women's room. You're actually sending, by sending trans men, you're just sending men into the women's room. You need to send that pussy to the pussy room? The cock to the cock room and pull your cock out in the cock room. Isn't that crazy?

It is insane. I gotta go. Everybody, it's just bad. It's bad out there. It's horrible. It's horrible. And it's gonna be, we're gonna be here till the end. Yeah, but please, poor went out for Madame McBride.

Girl, Madame McBride. Poor went out for Miss McBride. I woke up to a tweet, a conservative tweeted that person before they transitioned and said, "'He will always be he.'" And I was like, what is wrong with people? Girl, grow up. Grow up. What is wrong with people?

You are mentally ill, okay? Mentally ill. Mentally obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed. Beyonce and obsessed.. What is wrong with people? You are mentally ill, okay? Mentally ill. Mentally obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed. Beyoncé and obsessed. Why you so obsessed with me? Girl, I wanna know.

Boots. Always falling into my stall and yanking on my crank? Chaka Khan. Goodbye. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name.

It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. And here's the scariest part. By the time companies tell you your data was stolen, it's already been nearly a year. 277 days. That's how long on average hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans and destroy your credit before you even know you've been exposed. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data,

they'll just apologize and move on. Hackers aren't waiting. Why are you? This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert so you can act before the damage is done.

What if your identity is already stolen? Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish. That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. Your personal data is a gold mine for hackers and Aura helps lock it down. With a VPN for private browsing, data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your info and a password manager to help secure your accounts,

Aura gives you the tools to fight back. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's aura.com slash defense.

Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.