The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Ballad of Merrily and Bob

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

From a nameless wind-swept Midwest town came Merrily, an innocent creature bound for Hollywood beneath a horrible perm, her face entombed in pancake makeup thick enough to withstand the California sun. Into Bob Barker’s glittering Price is Right kingdom she strode. The lights blinded her as she sauntered past rows of mustachioed men in enormous collars and women tucked into high-waisted brown slacks that seemed engineered to repel both fashion and human affection. The gods of Plinko and Pontiac had written her name upon the heavens, for as she bid upon refrigerators, dinette sets, and speedboats, she was clearly destined to become a gameshow legend. Finally, Merrily reached the Showcase Showdown, her perm blazing like a thunderhead, and with one sacred spin seized victory from the grasp of fate, returning to the cornfields forever crowned in avocado appliances and the terrible majesty of retail price. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh my, how the tables have turned. Call Dr. Bob. Call Dr. Goldenstein. Call Dr. Greenblatt. She's using again. Washing it down with a white claw? I know. I thought I had a laugh.

Somebody laughed me. No, you miced yourself. You're always miced. I'm always miced. Before I went and got on the treadmill, I went to get one of these and in the guest house. Yell at me. Oh, a lot of touch.

Fuck it. In the guest house, I have Celsius and White Claw, almost just sit my 7 a.m. white claw and got on my treadmill. I was like, what? Fierce. So luckily that I avoided that because if I opened it, I would have been like, well, I got to drink it now. Well, honey, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,

but you did put your shirt on upside down. It's supposed to be like this. I know. That's the joke. I was trying to figure out what to wear today. And Mr. Wonderful would have given me the outfits. This isn't mine. Oh, I love it, though.

Well, it's turn it around, Dina, whatever. Turn the wigs around, Dina. We say this all the time. Turn the wigs around, Dina? No, no, no. But what I'm about to say, what I'm about to tell you is something we often say. But that doesn't make it any less true. Right.

I have so much to talk to you about. Oh, good. I have so. Oh, good. Mary, you need to get the stewardess, sorry, flight attendant, whoever, buckle her up. This way. I need a trook. I need you like a fighter jet, top gun.

You need to buckle up because what I'm... One of those pilot tubes and the... But the other end of the tube is up to your ass. And I just want you to blow in my mouth. You know what he's going to hear anything? It's just... Do you know what's been happening with the weirdest fucking thing? No matter what I fall asleep watching

because I'm not a TV watch right night. Mr. Wonderful needs... I'm incapable of dating men who can sleep in silence. They need blaring televisions. That's crazy. To keep the demons away. Okay? I show up to work and take pills.

We all do different things. So every day I wake up to the Bob Barker years of the prices right. Every day. A new car. Every day. And as many as I've seen, I do not understand these games. I could never be on this fucking show because A, what are they talking about? B, it's like this game is called High and Low and they pull out like a table of like home cleaning products.

And then people in the audience are screaming. This is like my nightmare. They are hydrophobic rabies. They're yelling. And then it's all old episodes. So it's like your great aunt in her prime looking like shit with like a dog shit perm with no bra on. Turning around to look at the audience like wet skin. Hi.

Greasy like I've been up for three days skin. Like no powder. And then today they were giving away. I took a picture of a girl. Today they were giving away a, and I wake up and I don't know what it is about the show, but I immediately have to watch. Look at this. This was the prettiest girl I've seen. She's a fucking dog.

And I'm like, I'll say that because she looks horrible. Merrily. Her name is Marily. Marily, we what? And girl, let me put on my paint job for my gig. Merely, we blindly put our makeup on all my stitches. And merrily, whenever they show men, the men. Something about the outfits at this time, everyone looks like a molester.

Every man looks like they just swung by a middle school and picked up a kid in the back of their van and went to Price is right. And Bob Barker's so charismatic. He really is the reason you watch. A makeup brush. He's literally talking into a makeup brush. It's so crazy. I watch him talking to this delicate, and it's this far away. And it's like, well, Merrily, we're going to see if you're going to win this lovely speedboat.

It's Lydia Tar's conducting stick. It's like... And you know what my least favorite part of it is? My least favorite part of it is they do this thing where they'll show the prize. So they'll show the speedboat. And today they showed a speedboat and they had all these... You know the bitches that walk around the product and show the product?

Show the car. Walk around the car. Yeah. Sometimes they... You draw some box or something. You know what they do like... You show the car. You walk around the car. They were giving...

The game was you had to guess the price of an armchair. Hold on. This is what... This is throwing me for a little. She wasn't worth untangling the cord or what? Oh, God, oh, that was tough. So, oh, I forgot what I was talking about. No, no, no, okay.

Okay, so the women are showing the boat. And tell me why they're showing the boat. Tell me why they have all these women dressed as pirates. They're in stripy shirts with a head rag with eye patches. And these bitches are the big tits and the spray tans are walking around going, and they have like hook hands. And this is the thing. They always do this.

So they'll show the prize. They'll show the prize. And they'll be like, it's, uh, new. car and the audience claps and the lights and the music did it did it did it yeah yeah yeah and this happens all the time they cut back to the person who might win the prize and what they want is the person so often is like it's so crazy the person is so often just staring into space it's the windy cinematic universe they don't care no matter what it is it's like because the shit they're giving away is so crazy it's like unless you need

a new washer and dryer how am i meant to react right now i just have to pay taxes on it we have washer and dryer at home. We have cleaning products at home. In these games are like you either have to be some kind of type A deranged housewife where you're like, I do know the price of palm olive hand. Because I was just at the Safeway and I cross-reference. I went to three different stores in the valley because you

know those L.A. prices are out through the roof and it's September there's coupons. They're completely deranged. I'm at, wait, have you watched this girl that recently went viral for being on the prices, right? No. Mary, I would play it, but I'm just going to tell you.

She's freaky. out. She's freaking out. She's like, huh, uh, oh, oh. And then she's freaking out. And then they, one of the prizes is a car. And she goes, yes! I just totaled my car. Freaks out. And then the next prizes, it's a trip to the Grand

Canyon. And she goes, oh my God. Where is that? It's so cunty. She's freaking out. And she does win the, and she gets, the, the, the price you have to guess is like, she gets $31,500. And Drew Carey goes, get out. Are you ready for this?

32,000. She was like $500 off. He goes, you won double showcase. She starts running around the fucking room. She does the worm. She runs up to one of the guys who shows the prizes. And he's like 6'5. She tries to pick him up.

She tries to pick him up. Then she gets in the car. She's screaming and crying. The camera's following her. She gets in the car. She closes the door. She's waving. It's so crazy.

You want a new, a tombstone. I just killed my husband. One of the best parts. They show one of the, one of the, one of the prizes, they're all dumb prizes. Yeah. It's like a trip to Paris or whatever and she's clapping and she goes, she goes, like, I can't take it. She does like,

I was like, I'm one day and I was like, I need, if you're gonna be, just this is a PSA, if you're gonna go on the price is right and you're getting chosen. Yeah. Don't try to act too cool. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. You're like, well, I've been to Paris, but fierce, do backflip, do Mori Povich, you are not the father. Break your neck. Break your neck.

You should be as, to win a car, you should be acting like they act on Mori when they aren't the father. I want bat flips. Na, na, na, na, na,

I want a performance. You need to be strapped like pink and fly. Fly. Somersault. Tear away. If you win the showcase, you should have a Broadway magnet's outfit that you tear out. Girl.

I mean, is like, like, would have been hereditary. He instead of, he was like, but I think, Oh my God, if I was on that show and they were like,

you're going to win a hutch. I'd be like, I would do Hale Perman. I'm cross-eyed. The one eye goes into the head can't see it anymore. And then just blood, I smiled, no teeth. But you know what I would love to do? I would love to spin that big wheel, that big wheel they have on Price is Right.

Sure. Yeah. That would be so fun. It is fun. It's a fun show. I like that the set is all right. The old episodes, the set is like purple, orange, golden, red.

Barker literally just molesting people. The women are Charlie's Angels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Bob Barker, yeah, giving deep, deep hugs. Long hugs. Yeah. Full crotch. Yeah.

It's like pressing his gonads, like a full press, like a French press of like squeezing grapes. It's like they have like people, they're like put these bushel of grapes in your pants. I've got mine here. We're making wine spread. They're like squelch, squelch. It's so crazy. You know, I would love for you to be one of the prize ladies. And, like, um, they show, like, you get to walk around the car.

When you turn around, your white gown, there's just shit running down your legs. And I, and then when I, like, I try to smile, but I've sewed my mouth shut. It's like, just crazy. I love that shit. You know what I would love. I would like, um, I love Bob Barker to be like, you win this. And it's like this ugly fucking base or something. I guess it's not ugly.

That's you. Sorry. That was kind of me. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I just, out of my butt. I think the price is right is fun. I mean, it keeps, but I'm saying the moral story is every day I wake up in my TV while I'm sleeping switches over to

vintage Bob Barker price is right. And it's screaming at you. It's screaming. And there's no commercial breaks. It says, you're watching the Bob Barker years of this. Whoa. And it's just... Well, how could a show like that have commercials? It's literally just a commercial. You know what I mean? Oh, do you think... Is this naive? Are those sponsored products? Do you think they pay to have their product shown? Are you serious?

Mama. Where have you been? stuff. Well, I don't know if they, do they, do you pay to have your, like, toaster struddles in the game? Trixie, Joanne, Elizabeth Mattel. Mama. Are she having a stroke? I think so.

What's wrong with you? Are you having? This is the era of everything. But I will say, if you want to talk about, if you want to talk about inflation, it's the 70s or whatever. And so it's like, oh, a life of bread, 40 cents. Like, I know. I would be Lucille Bluth.

I would be like, it's a bushel of bananas, $800. Right. You know, like, I don't know. It was crazy. Mary, oh, God. I mean, I love a bargain, but I'm certainly no longer in my life, like, buying groceries only on sale. Like, when I was younger, I was, like, couponing.

When I go to the Ralph's, I always have, if I forget my card, I'd be like, do you have a card? They always do it. So it's like, like, I know that the, okay, whatever. I'm already, if I'm at a grocery store, I already think that I'm, miss, miss, I'm already awarding myself awards because it's cheaper than getting food delivery. Of course. I'm already like, wow, I'm a doomsday prepper.

because I brought one can of beans or whatever. You know what I mean? However, if we're talking, this is a perfect segue for an unforgettable story I'm not to tell you. Because when it comes to food delivery, I want you to know that while expensive and extravagant, it's not just food that gets delivered sometimes.

Sometimes it's the promise of true love. Oh, did you creep out on someone? No, I have to tell you. I've been dying to. tell you this, dying on the inside, literally crumbling, please, I just, please, I just need five

minutes, just five minutes. So, no, no, no, no. Active listening. So, let's take it for it. So, so let's say, okay, I had a small little cold, really innocuous little, you know, head cold, whatever,

day, cool night, well, you're all fine. Then, so I order Cantor Soup Deli. Kinders Deli soup. Chicken soup. Love it. Love it. Love it. The guy comes.

You know, sometimes they have to give them a code. Like you have to say, it's two, three. Oh, because for to, yes, yes. It's not just like, you know, the COVID thing has really made things like, oh, you just leave it by the door or they leave it down the street or they leave it in some peal box somewhere or whatever. So. Cut it up a tree somewhere. A scavenger hunt.

Also, you get a buzz to get in. So I just go out and I wait for the person. So Suzanne is on her way. And then a young man gets out of the car. And you don't know their gender. I don't know your gender. I don't know. Candace's gender.

Yeah. I can't reach it. I can't reach it. I don't know. Do I look like a woman? I don't know what a woman looks like. Do you? Was it food?

I ate it. That doesn't mean it's food. Oh my God. In the Portlandia, when she's drinking the tea, she goes, what is that? She goes, it's just water and soot. So good. Our fans. Just water and soup.

So we smoked black. So the guy is so cute. Susanna's hot. No, it's not Susanna. Well, you don't know. Well, I do because hold on. So he's just the cutest guy ever. So I think him.

And then, so yeah, yeah, he got it. Next day. By the way, this wasn't Susanna. So the next day it was Susanna. Like, oh God, another fucking code. Usually doesn't. I go outside. I wait.

It's the same guy. And so it's the same guy. It's weird. But it's Susanna. So I notice a car pulls up. And a girl is in the passenger seat watching a YouTube video wrapped. She's like so checked. She's just like,

is she the pimp of this scenario? So the guy gets out of the driver. So he comes with it who's like, hey, remember me? And I was like, yeah, I do. And he's like, he shakes my, it's like, shakes my hand. Long shake. Long, firm shake.

Unwavering, unflinching eye contact, mega watts miles. and he says, what color are your eyes? And I was like, I am blushing. We have blush on. I'm blushing.

I'm blushing. I was like, I was like, I was like, I literally was like, I don't. This is you. This is you. This is you. It was me. It was me.

I mean, but like put it through the face. That thing. Right. I go, this is why I say I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I think they're green or blue. He's like, they're so.

What do you don't know? Listen, I was caught up. He's like, he's like, they're so beautiful. And I, okay, a kid's at home, earwax, I start to get erect. I, and I become erect. I am, I am my boner, my penis, my man's penis, adult penis is becoming engorged. Two and a half inches of fully functional fund. We were almost fed.

We're at 1.75 right now, and it was almost breaching the two, that hard nail. Come on down. Yeah. We've got Cantor's chicken noodle soup. So wait. And I said, I said, I think they're blue or green. He's like, they're so beautiful. And I'm like, God, knowing you, you were probably like, fuck me.

No, I was like, I was like, thank you. And we are having this, we're locked. I glance over at Susanna in the car, window open, I'm talking six feet away. Which is not oblivious, not interested. Maybe a sister. Maybe a friend, maybe a roommate. I don't know. Maybe a girlfriend.

Then he's like, oh, sorry, what's the code again? He's, he's, the eye contact is unwavering. He has the bright, he's so pretty. and he has the brightest, like friendliest smile. And this is going to go in two different directions, which I think, number one is this is the killer, a grift, which I'm prepared for.

And then... Ready to die. And then... Baby, born to die. Lion to die. Right, born to die. Beet don't fail me now. Take me to the finish line.

And then, so as he's like, oh, sorry, what's the code again? And I gave him the code again. And he's like, All right. Have a great day. See you tomorrow. Like a joke. And I said, oh, by the way, you are so handsome. And I smile and he smiles and he leaves.

And I was like, fully, I walked away. And I have a large shirt on. It's not, I have a large shirt on. Nothing is showing. Right. I think is showing fully. This is so gross. I mean, is it?

Rock hard. You can't help it. Rock hard. Yeah, whisper into the microphone for millions of people. Rock hard. And this is, we're. It's gross. Cover your ears. Bring it.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Uncle Grandpa, no. No, Marilee, no. You know what I feel like obsession right? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then you just, you walk backwards up into the corner of the room. No, I, I, I, I, you with a snail trail carrying your Campbell suit back to your house like a pig.

I had to doomsday prepping. I had to tuck it under. Tuck it under. Snap it off. I had to snap it up. Oh, yeah. I had to snap it up. And it was, this is, okay.

It was what? It was up, up, peaking above the undies. Yeah. Because it was coming through. But they were really low-rise jeans, to be fair. It wasn't very far to go. No, it was a string bikini. Right.

I felt a little poke coming through on yourself. So I. That's the first time a man has pressed their cock into you in a long time and it was your own. With me. With me. It was me. Tell him that I want you to know it was me. I'm walking back to, I'm walking through the, the corridor of my complex with a rock hard, wet erection.

Like, coming over at cold. Right. And like, you know, like, and we're getting to like, and then I immediately tip him another $10. Because I'm like, prostitution. So he got a $22 tip for this $18 meal because I pre-tipped $12. Because I, so here. Tipping is on my love language. It's my love language.

Right. It makes, it's not, I know that, I think that it's probably very reasonable to assume that anybody who's delivering food is not a Vanderbilt or Carnegie. Sure. But I can't, beyond that, I can't really assume very much about their financial situation. What I do know from personal experience and personal interaction is that they often appreciate tips because I do with cash tip. We're from the drag economy.

If you like what you see, you hold out a dollar. Okay. It's built into our DNA. Honey. And it's, I don't, and it's, I'm the type of person. It's like, you're gonna, if you, if you're 45 minutes late and you give me a pile of sawdust with dog shit, I'm also going to tip you. 18%. Hello.

And apologize. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes they've left it around the corner through it through the, at the school where you can't even buzz in. I had to, I had to basically fight a guard to get my food. Right. Still a wall. Still tip. No, for real.

Still tip them. Anyways. So I, I, I just let, it makes me feel good. Anyways. So I am going to, ask me if I'm going to order. some more canters every single day for the rest of this week at this time. Ask me. Are you going to order canter's deli

every day this week? Yes, and I'm going to do it twice because once is trying, second is the good old, maybe it'll happen this time, and I won't do a third. But you said he was handsome and he didn't respond? Oh no, he smiled. This was after he said, you have beautiful

eyes. Maybe, do you think he's gay? So this is what I think. A, he's interested. B, he and Susanna have got a grift going on. Oh, you think they deliver in the gay areas for the good tips? Or, that's his fat weiner dangle out? Or they have a, they have a kind of a, you go that way, I'll go this way. We have the door code.

We know what apartment number. You go charm that LLF word while I'll steal the Tom Ford off the shell. Right. Guess what, Tutsi? You can take all the Tom Ford you can carry. Right. Because it will be worth it just for me to hug and kiss on him like a, like a, at a the middle school prom.

And it's what Tom Ford would have wanted. Thank you. Thank you. Rest in peace. Thank you. So, but I, I'm telling you, I'm going to do it again. And I will try. Ordering food isn't, it's, it's, um, it would be like if you had a crush on this barista and you went back to the coffee shop.

Yes. Only you're inviting into their home and kind of standing outside smiling, tipping them 140%. So let me tell you what I'm going to do as I clutch your, your bonamy claws. Um, the next time. So say everything. say, you know, Melissa comes back with her, you know. Oh, right, what's her name, Susanna? Susanna. It's not her. I mean, why are there, I'm always read it out when two people are delivering.

No, no, no, no. What is that? A friend, a roommate, a boyfriend, girlfriend. Listen, company, come. They're in the car. They respond to a thing. They're like, oh, I got to go pick this thing up. We're in the car. We're driving around. We need to make a little money. You're broke. You want to go to the movies? Let's make a little money. Interesting. Yeah. Happens a lot. It doesn't happen in the Uber, obviously. that's crazy when there's an extra person but that does that does not have you ever taken Uber pool no me neither no where you get it and someone else is in there I've never done it

I've never done it either I'm surprised that people do it because Uber it's horrible no no I don't think it's horrible but I know that I know the price shifts and I mean I take Uber so much like so much even you know that I because it's drinking yeah and then in the the bikini

you can't drive with the boner either right have you ever done sex while driving. I've received and provided oral sex while driving down highways. Let's take a break. I mean, they didn't know. I'm just kidding.

No, they knew. They knew. And they paid for it with their lives. Do you know, sex in the car when you're like in college with a little boyfriend, like driving around sex in the car? Everybody's sex in the car? Oh, please. Pollyanna over here.

No, I'm not Pollyanna. Listen, I just provided a public slurice announcement about texting and driving. So I think you know where I stand on sexting and driving. Right. Okay. Right. But I need you to put a pin in that for just one second. So what I'm going to do, just to close this out, I swear, the next time.

So let's say from some lightning strikes three times. And he comes back. I'm outside. I'm wearing the sluttiest fucking outfit I own. What are your yuckies? No, not a yuckies. Put on your little nasty yucky. I'm going.

I'm doing 400 pushups until I almost puke. Right. And I'm getting the biggest chest pump I can possibly get. Right. For the 20, it takes 20, 30 minutes for the food to come, right? Right. I'm pumping up because I'm going to do that anyways. I'm going in the blazing sun.

I'm going to be oiled, sweaty, and pumped. Right. And with the titty top, you know with the ones where you cut it too much? Oh, and a little bit of nips. Yeah, okay. With these fucking painted on, well, not like super faggy, but like, you know, like, like shorts like these where they're kind of loose but they're not like

it's like did you just steal those from a child you crazy person you know like they're not so crazy where my balls are getting strangled right but like I'm just letting them know what's going on and then I'm having a my name and my phone number with a $20 bill as the cash tip or no a 10 because you know what

the danger here is that I'm setting up a sugar baby relationship you sure certainly are or you're implying that you're going to pay for some kind of attention physically you're going to to pay with money for some kind of romantic attention. Which I absolutely would do enthusiastically. Right. Because I don't know if Susanna and I have a future.

You know, I don't know what her tea is. And I don't really want to know that much. But I, this young Prince Charming, my God. Right. I want to invite him into my living room. Hide all the knives in the Tom Ford. No checkbooks around. No loose cash or keys.

And I want to, I want to hold them in my arms. And I want to hug and kiss his face in his. neck and maybe if he wants to he could feel what that does to me the firmness okay he could feel my sleep number which is two and a half two point five two one five easy there two and a half or two point five I'm not sure it's like six of one or half a It doesn't. I actually, it's interesting you bring this up

because I have several stories revolving around and me being advanced upon by men that I would like to share with you. I used a moving company. A private moving service. A private moving service.

Yeah, yeah. And I had on this Rupal tank top. Are you sure it and tell the story? You told it to me, but you told it to me in your house. Okay, I had on this Rupal tank top. The one from Abercrombie a few years ago. Love that tank top.

Great. The guy walks up to the house and because we just had to all that renovating the guest house. So it's like stuff that needed to go. So they come and they the guy sees my shirt he goes,

I love your shirt. I said, thank you. Big tall like 6-5 big, big moving guy. Yeah, where they're like mussely

but also like not in a jacked way and like I lift things for a living way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like heavy. Comes in the backyard,

moving stuff, whatever. And then I come out and I'm in this, I swear I've told the story. Maybe I didn't. You told it. I was in a white t-shirt, white shorts.

White t-shirt, white shorts. And when you're bald and you're in white and white, you do look like you are at a hospital. Right? I looked like an ill person. And the guy goes, ooh, I like the fit. The fit is fire. And I go, oh, thank you. And I go, oh, it's just like, you know, and me, I can't take a compliment.

So I go like, oh, it's just like, age and I'm like 10 years. It's just like kind of a stupid piece of shit outfit. And I should just like shut up and I'm ugly, right? I'm like, I'm just like kind of off myself and I'm just like horrible. But thank you. But no, the outfit's really bad. Are you livid for saying it? Yeah.

And then I go, well, I'm bald. You know, when you're bald and you wear an outfit like this, you look like you're at the hospital. And then he goes, well, you could take my blood pressure. But wait. Right in front of Mr. Wonderful. So I am a whore. You know, I was already about to be called a whore.

If anybody shows up to the house to do anything and they have a penis, I'm a whore speaking to various men, inviting men over it. So that's what's going on. But also, I think he's mixing the metaphors. Like, are you the patient or the nurse? No, I said I was a patient. He was like, well, you can take my blood. I was like, oh, no, no.

At a hospital patient, don't do that. I'm no Superman. I'm not a doctor. Okay. I'm no Superman. No, I don't want your number. Right. So then, so this happened, great.

I'm no Superman. So I'm ran through from this story. So I have a chaser story. Okay. I was in Lollapalooz. I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, that was in. I was in.

I did. Don't. I hope you died. But I always think of that cliff. It's crazy. It's crazy. And I always think of it. I hate you badly.

It's crazy. It's so crazy. Zig when you think she's going to die. Never let him know your next moves. She's off. She knocks the board out and there's three boards under there. Right. It's okay.

Anyways, go ahead. So I was in Lollapalooza and I had Friday of Lollapalooza. I had to play. It's confusing because it's an after party. Yes. My set was Saturday. So I'm playing an after party for Lalapaloza, but it's the night before my show. So it's an after party before my real show.

Weird. It's at midnight. And I'm luckily, I've been doing Superdisco and I was so ready to play like a midnight dark, like Chicago, the birthplace of house. Nasty put your clothes on. Nasty music, right? And I got my nasty, aggressive tech house. I'm like, I'm going to get really sick tonight. I'm in this like silver caftan with all these stars in my hair.

I'm doing this like, this planet goddess thing. And then I play my little. Wait. Oh. Oh, I have a story about this set too. This is this. Okay, this is the set where I said, where is Mr. Connell and that girl was there with the phone that says,

dead. She, she, she, she, she, she, she,

she, where's Mitch McConnell? And then they start cheering. People go, where is Mitch McConnell? Where is Mitch McConnell? And there's this girl

with her iPhone up, and it's flashing green and neon. It says dead. And she's like, this. It's so funny. It's so funny. I was like,

you was on the phone with you and you're like, you got to watch this right now. I watch it. And I just like, I felt like all that, like, everything's going to be okay.

Two years of smoke. joking, gone. I gained two years of life just from that. I was like, oh my God, maybe I will live past 70. Right. It was crazy. It was so... That girl is a hero. Incredible. Flashing sinus says dead.

Dead. And it was flashing. Well, people were screaming, where's Mitch O'Connell at me the whole set? Because apparently that's my big catchphrase now. Where's Mitch McConnell? Apparently I'm the only one wondering that. By the way, at the time... At the time... Oh, wait. Confirmed? At the time stamp.

Not confirmed, but he hasn't been in office in over a month. So the fourth, 50 days, I think. The fourth was yesterday. So in Kentucky, if you aren't able to serve or you've died, the governor is allowed to select a new person, right? Okay. And Mitch McConnell doesn't want to give it the seat because Andy Bashir, the Democratic leader, governor will pick a Democrat, probably. So they've been kind of thinking their weekend at Bernie seeing him. So they had to make it to the fourth. My thought is they're going to announce he died over the weekend and they're going to say, it's going to be weekend news and they're going to go, this is following Lindsey Graham

and then show footage of Lindsey Graham. They're going to make it about Lindsay Graham dying and then by Monday it's going to be old news and no one cares. Well, remember when Ms. Farah Fawcett died, I don't think you do. Why? Michael Jackson.

Oh. Remember when Mother Teresa died? I don't think you do. Francis Diana. Well, have you ever seen that clip of Mariah Carey going, you don't want to talk about 9-11? Because she had an album come out that day? Glitter.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You don't want to talk about 9-11. The audience goes, oh. It's very Caitlin Jenner. Well, 9-9-11. Crazy. Crazy.

I just can't imagine Mariah sitting at home plucked that that 9-11 happened. I can. I just, she's at home just like, well. Yeah, I was like, listen, two horrible things can happen at the same. On the same day, yes. Yeah. And also, you know, listen, hey. So you did not explain to me.

Okay. The rest is the chaser story. Yes. So after the gig, I'm kind of sweaty, but actually shout out to this gig. It was at the, uh, oh, where was it? Sir Mac Hall. Sir Mac Hall in Chicago. Wonderful air conditioning.

At the end of the show, if I still have makeup on, it's a win. It's a big win for the community. And they had all these people on RISers behind me. So I'm DJing and it feels like there's people all around me. It was a great vibe, amazing vibe. Oh, I like that. It was great.

It felt surrounded in a good way. Because also, if you're like out of thing doing something, that's a good thing. It's a good thing. And I felt like I was in a Jubilee surrounded video. I don't know what that means. Where you sit at the table and the conservatives yell at you or whatever. Like I felt like that and I love that. Music critics?

Yes. Music critics running to the chair to say that transition was awful. The Jubilee video would be one crossy and 20 music critics. And it's me like, where is Mitch McCona? You know, me yelling about who's dead or not dead. Running with a banjoed like. Yes. So then I get back to the hotel and I'm walking, you know, it's kind of late.

It's like 2 a.m. I'm getting through the lobby. And some guy in a suit follows me through the lobby. And I go, say, and I just always think because I'm in drag, they probably think I'm an intruder. I'm a crackhead. I'm a whatever. In your drag? Yeah.

So he follows. A crackhead in your drag. I would accept custom hair line. I would, I was like, custom, ventilated wigs. I was like, a custom outfit, Taylor. I was like, if anything, I would think that you were like, maybe, maybe a circus performer. No. At the very worst.

A crackhead? I don't know. A crackhead? I wish the crackheads who lived 30 feet from my house looked like you. This is me my crackhead look. Looking like you look like a goddess from the Odyssey. Odyssey. Goddessy.

So I was doing this because, you know, we're doing Super Disco, and I was like, oh, my pre-show look will be a space look, but not a look from the show. Big Brain, right? Oaksgiving space. Oh, because the show tomorrow's space. Huge. Right? So her mind is so powerful.

So I walked through the hotel. this guy in a suit follows me and I was like I bet he's works at the hotel and thinks I'm some kind of like person coming call girl I don't know yes I just always prostitution horror yes sexy hot fuckable bitch so it's me mr. wonderful and brandon we get in the elevator and the guy gets on too were you there nick the guy gets on with us and I was like he's probably works at the hotel's like literally making sure that I'm not some crook here to steal a potted plant or something and so we get in the elevator he goes this a party And I go, this is an elevator.

Because I can't tell he probably wants drugs. He goes, this is a party. I go, this is an elevator. I go, this is an elevator. Nice elevator. This is a snacketeer. I go, nice elevator. And then we ride up and we're getting on floor 24.

And I notice he doesn't push any buttons. And I get off the elevator and he keeps trying to talk. And I just go like, have a good night. I'm hard. And then on the way, once the elevator closes, I literally felt like. Like, do you remember in Who Frame Roger Rabbit when Betty Boop is the server? And she's like, work's not been the same since cartoons went to color.

But I still got it, Eddie. Boop, pooh, pooh, pooh. Like, I was like, okay, he might have been the killer. He might have been just looking for drugs or he's trying to fuck me. But I love that he thought what, Mr. Wonderful and Brandon, we're going to come do all three of my holes in the room. And he was going to join. Is that what men think? Is that a wig?

I'll just grab my cock and follow to your room. Okay. Creepo. You, okay. Every single word that you just said as a joke is real. Is true. But I think when I'm in drag people, people think I know where drugs are. I do think that.

You are correct. Right. And also, is this a party? Obviously, that means drugs. Because what he, this is what I'll tell you what was going through this businessman's mind. So he was going to, you're going to, you just had a suit on. We don't know if he was in business. Well, let me tell you what his, was trained and thought was.

he was going to So we're in a hotel He was this is what his hopes and dreams were And this is I would be on your honor Yes I solemnly swear This man wanted to do the following He wanted to follow you into your room He wanted to do some cocaine

Right He wanted to have a little drink And then he wanted to suck your dick In a wig Yeah in a wig And then when the coke really started flowing And he couldn't get hard anymore He wanted you and both of them

To fuck his ass in mouth until he saw Omaha, Nebraska. But I just have to say that. And guess what, Tudsey, he would have shit all over your dicks. And can I say I never wear caftans? Ever.

This is a caftan because I thought Friday of Lollapalooza in Chicago in the heat, it's going to be 100. So I wore this silver space caftan. I never wear caftans. Because in the public, in the public form of drag, in the public form of drag, you can't wear a caftan without someone who's never done drag in their life telling you how

comfortable you look. You look comfortable. Fuck on. If I cut a hole in a sheet and drape it over myself with some lovely pearl earrings, you better act like this is some... It's a Fritz-Bernase. Like, so I get to the... Oh, at the gig... Is that the...

At the gig, someone was like, you look... Somebody said I looked comfortable. No, I know. That's why I said that. Oh, fierce. Yeah. Well... Fuck you. Your hairline looks hard.

Jacked. Bitch. But I just thought it was so funny because I never get called on by gentlemen and I put on the good caftan. Okay, so baby, let me tell you something. I got chased by the FedEx truck when I was covered in fake blood from Halloween show walking home. Also, what he's, you say caftain, you say shapeless sack.

He says, Movado watch, cocaine, champagne. No, no, no, no. Oh. My wares? Honey, the captain to him meant you open it up and inside is K, Molly, cocaine, like the guy's selling the watches. You're not, he's thinking something else. He's not saying, oh, I can't, and this person, this,

shapeless sack. They have no fashion sense. No, no, no. He's like, this hot chick with a dick who's got every drug under the sun in the pockets of her lovely little whatever the hell she's wearing. Following me in the elevator? And also, I'm so obtuse. Is this a party? This is an elevator. Fierce. Fierce. Fierce. Is this a party? Is this a party means that? You know what it means. First of all, I'm not fucking with Brandon. I'm not fucking you with my boyfriend. No, also. And I'm not I'm not taking Strangman up to my room alone. So no version of this is going to happen. Well, so you answered the question.

It's not a party. It's an elevator. It's chocolate. It's chocolate. When? He shits. You think he was going to shit? Okay.

All right. You think he was, you think he had diarrhea? We are on fire. He had diarrhea. He wanted to come up to my room and blow ass and just coat the walls. When I say that we have not, there has not been one fucking non-sequenter in this whole goddamn episode because that's a perfect, again, segue.

For this other fucking truth bomb that I'm about to tell all these people. No. Oh. Every man, I'm looking at you, you, you, and you. Every man wants to get fucked in the butt, okay? And they got shit in their ass. Right. And I have many female friends and that who have boyfriends, have had husbands, who have ex-husbands, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends.

And the revelation always comes out. I want you to rummage around in between me down there for the women. And then sometimes they say, they say, oh, no, don't, don't. You know that one? It's like, oh, no, don't. It's like, are you saying don't, but you really? Right. You're saying, but you're, it's a strange thing because it's like when you're in a,

they're in a committed relationship, you would think that the communication lines are open enough to say, like, you don't have to play the games of like, I, I'm saying, Oh, don't do that. Right. You can just say, actually, I really want you to fuck me in the ass. Right. Because, but those lines aren't open. So it's because it's all taboo.

It's all unexplored. It's all theoretical. It's all repressed. They don't even go down the train of thought. It's like, well, you know what? If I was mature enough and confident enough and trusting enough to ask my wife to say, you know, hon, I hope you don't think this is nasty, but I got to tell you, I really, when we've been fucking, I have been

fantasizing nonstop about you jamming a big old dong up my asshole. Right. And on that, to that point, if you're amenable, I've watched these YouTube videos, I actually asked my gay friend Jeff, how do I prepare my house for that? And I've

gone to the trouble of doing that. They're not doing this. No, of course. This is a fantasy. So, so, so. This is that doll you had that was like, you look really thin today. This is Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect. Yeah. So, but, but so the reality, Because of all those communication lines that have never been even connected,

there's no infrastructure. They're asking. It's two people with cans with no string between. No strings. And they're saying to the, and then the woman, poor woman or whomever, usually the woman, the wife, the girlfriend, they're having, so what they're faced with

or what they're presented with is, so let me get this straight. You want me to go down into this thicket of unwashed ass hair that hasn't been showered off Since the last time you took a dump and you want me to lick it and then also stick my fingers in it and pull out shit cover digits. And you think that that is somehow in any way erotic to me. This is so widespread, by the way.

The fact that it is so widespread. The fact that Sirius Radio wanted us to come and work. with them. I'm talking about it. I'm sorry, serious. You don't know who you brought on, honey, but we're dropping truth bombs over here about everybody in your building.

Is this a party? And you know what? This includes it. But you know what? Secwiter, this includes everyone who works at every radio station and every workplace ever. So it all does make sense.

Is this a party? Is this a party? I don't know. Did you hose down your hole? This is the other thing, too. It's like... No, did you even if I was in the drugs? Did you bring drugs?

Because then it's a party. Or you're just getting in an elevator with people you hope have drugs. I hate that. Do you know any stoners I know who are like, I know somebody where it's like, girl, you're a miss everyday stoner, but you ain't never holding. So what's the tea you fucking, you, you, you, are you willing to get in the car and throw neck for weed every day? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Why don't you go down to the dispensary and bring weed and say, hey, guys, should we smoke a little weed? That weed lover person who never has weed drives me insane. It drives me crazy. me crazy. It drives me crazy. You know what it is? Throwing neck for weed. It's people who go to someone's house and don't

bring a host, don't bring a host gift. Fuck off. Fuck right off. I don't care if it's something small. I don't care if it's just a card. I don't care if it's just a little handwritten note, a plant, a succulent, a bag of pretzels. Yeah. Why are you going places with nothing?

Yeah. Oh, baby. Why are you going places with nothing? Or with a burden. With a burden. The burden. But can I, I, I want to, I want to wrap this up because I have, um, I just have to tell everybody that last time we filmed, there was a dog here. And this person had the nerve to say, when we're petting dogs, we're not working.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let us all get to your level. Miss productivity over here. No. Miss nose to the grindstone herself. No. Katie Bug Magoo. So I have, things are changing around here.

In here. In here. In here. In here. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the dog. community coming for us, but I just want to say that I don't have...

It's not the dog community. Right. It's the pet community. And here's the thing about, listen. When I get a bird, watch me become a pirate is on my shoulder all the time. Well, I would... Falconry. Falconry.

You are on a cliff. Right. On a cliff with a glove like Julianne Moran Sirens. No, I'd be flying like in a pack when flyway home. Me and the parrot are going to fly to the studio. I'm going to have one of those rigley, not Wrigley brothers. Freakley brothers. What's the right brothers?

The right brothers. I'm going to have the Wright Brothers bike bike plane and me and my parrot are going to fly butterfly in the sky The Reading Rainbow! Yes! Take a look. It's going to be fierce girl.

Where's Trixie? Shirley, oh, she rode here on her cockatoo again. She did and stopped calling her Shirley. Hold on. Wait, one last thing. Can I button it? Yeah, of course. Can I button?

Okay. I just want to say as far as dogs go, what you see isn't always the truth. As far as etiquette and what you think is appropriate. So, so in, and this is not necessary, this is pet directed. All pets. All pets. So, um, this is pet directed in, okay.

I hate when people say the thing about me because you know it's nothing good. When people preface this thing with, the thing about me is, oh, I hate that. It's the one thing about me. Yeah. That's not the only thing about your bitch. I'm really nice. But if you do something I don't like, I'll fucking kill you. So I love, I truly love people.

Sure. I think people are, it's like the biggest flops and the biggest, they're, they're, it's like Alyssa says, like they create, they inspire, they also disappoint and they, you know, they let us down. But I love the relationships in my life. I, the people at my age, I have the wonderful opportunity to have to know people for 20 years. I'm not a pet person. So I, we're on the road. I, no, I want to speak for you. I'm on the road a lot. I don't know anymore. Shut up. And what do I do? Sit home?

No, no. I'm saying, 2020. You're on the road a lot. 2022? She's getting in drag next in late September. No, no. What did we do for 2021 to 2020?

We were gone on like 100 city tour. Of like a hundred city tour. Like a year and a half we were gone. We were. Okay. We were never. So what the fuck am I going to do? And now, you know what?

I don't want to even bring other people into it. It's like people find all different ways to have pets. I prefer humans. I prefer humans. I love humans. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Well, that's the whole thing. The dog community. That's what I was. The puppy play community. Yes. So I had an altercation with a friend with a dog. He brought his dog over.

We cleared it this morning. I told my friend to tell him, please don't bring the dog. I just had the cleaners because they ruined my couch. And it brought the dog. It was a whole awkward thing. But then I talked to him and it was all fine. We're so good.

And you helped me through it. Because it was a situation became awkward and it didn't need to be. No. Right. Right. So then I was like, oh, thank God, just like nip it right away. I met, I was at a pool party and I met these dogs, these pop guys. Oh my God, this couple is so fabulous.

They had the mask on? A couple of people had the mask on. I walked into the pool party. And Goody Proctor, I had to get another set of pearls because I clutched mine so hard, they fell off. Oh, my God. Nudity in the pool. What? I would have freaked out.

I was like, I was, I was like, Mr. Wonderful would have been raptured. Oh, he, it would have been, we would have been clear, clear. I mean, it would have been like instantly flatlining. I, I, I thought, one person was, but even, I don't, I don't think one person was and then another person was completely naked sitting up. And the hard thing is it's never who you want. Oh, no, no, no. It's never who you want naked.

No one actually. So, huge weenie. Queen. Um, this, the flaccid penis was enormous. Not like, not freakish. I mean, I was like, as an adult man, I was like, I was like, to myself, I was like, I was like, shocked. And I was like, oh, wow, I bet that's a fucking huge dick when it's hard.

Anyways, several people were naked. Many people were scintily clad. I met these people in the pup community. Can I say this? Can I say this about the dog people? I am the perfect landing spot because nobody will yes and that shit more than me. I do the, I'll do the head scratch. I pat the head.

Are we talking about the human dog or the dog dog? I'm talking about the dog, the gay people with the dog mask on. Pups. Yes. I'm always like a, when they don't, sometimes at the gay clubs, they don't talk. They're like in character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine with that.

I pat the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a, I'm not sexually into it, but I'm a, I'm a supporter. Also, the nerve. It's a drag. It's the yes and. A hundred percent. And also, in my limited experience and observation, the nerve, I, I chuckle on myself because I, like, the, the mask comes off.

And I'm like, oh, it's Carrie Grant. Oh, it's Patrick Wilson. Right. Oh, it's Brad Pitt. I mean, it's every hot, it's Tom Hardy. I'm like, you know what I mean? It's the irony of that. Plus, the artistry, like someone makes the mask.

Yeah, yeah. You know what else? It growsy economy. Harts nobody. It helps everybody. Fierce girl. Fierce girl. Okay.

You're going to die.