The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Best of Us for the Rest of Us with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

As we gather together this week to celebrate America's 248th birthday on rooftops, in backyards, and on sandy beaches, let us indulge ourselves with highly processed, nitrate-filled beef rods, sun-baked mayonnaise-soaked potato salad, and luke-warm hard seltzers. In the true spirit of our nation's independence, we are presenting a carefully curated collection of clips that cover the broad spectrum of important topics we routinely cover on the pod. From rimjobs to fisting to combination rim-fist-jobs, let us all pause for a moment of silence and pray to a heathen god of your choice that the majority of us will make it through the coming firework-laden holiday weekend with the same number of fingers, hands, and appendages that we have today. From all of us here at the Bald Headquarters in an abandoned missile silo outside Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, we wish you and yours the Hap Hap Happiest 4th of July ever! Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Learn more at Amex.ca. Did you watch the Bob and Maddie rap battle? We need to talk about Kevin. Rap fighting. Kevin, a.k.a. Maddie. Fighting through the art of rap. Maddie Morphosis. I did not watch that season, full disclosure.

I think I was on the pit stop for it. Thank you. And I watched your pit stop with Maddie, and I was struck, first of of all by how stunning she is. She does. And she's so funny. And I know what I learned from that episode is everybody's late to the party on the Maddie train. You know what's funny? I think

at first because she was straight everyone's like, no. But let me tell you, if being gay was a precursor to good drag, that's not the world we live in. Do you know how many f***ing suck at drag? Thank you. Do you know the gayest person? Sexuality is no indication of your goodness of drag. I hate to be that girl, but I have an audio that I sent you that I think goes along with the Maddie conversation that we need to listen to.

Let's do it. My old cock. Okay, wait. Hold on. This is it. Gays that don't do drag love to be like, I just know I would eat on RuPaul's Drag Race. What part? You can't do makeup.

You can't walk in heels. We're watching you struggle to step touch in the club. Your wardrobe is full of sheen. You can't afford the runway. You haven't told a joke successfully since I've known you. Like, what part of RuPaul's Drag Race do you think you'd be successful in? You're not, you're scared of confrontation.

You wouldn't even be good and untugged. Be so real with yourself when you're watching this. Be so real and be thankful that we have enough talented drag queens in the world to make for such a great show. Be so real with yourself. Gays that- She left no f***ing crumbs.

That's Peter Toto on TikTok. And I was like, you're right. I don't think the gay guys have the nerve to say it around like you or me. I think when other drag queens aren't around, they go like, right, I would eat. No, you wouldn't. It would go in your mouth and you would cough on it, choke it up,

puke and lay down. With nary a glass of water around. I don't know what it is about drag that makes people... I can do that-ism. in your mouth and you would cough on it, choke it up, puke and lay down. Like a saltine cracker with nary a glass of water around. Yeah. I don't know what it is about drag that makes people, it's the, I can do that-ism. You don't watch Top Chef and go, I could cook that. Let's see you do a fucking winged liner, you c**t. No, I can't even do it. Ask any woman if they can, I can't do symmetrical brows.

Yeah. Okay. Let's, let's, let's, um, let's get a glue stick and put you in a saw trap and see what happens. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. They don't understand the level of jack of all trade of it all and the master of none. Like they look at all the parts and they're like, well, yeah.

But they don't really see that like many of these skills require 10 to 15 years to approach mastery. Yeah. We speak like broken English in like years to approach mastery. Yeah. We speak like broken English in like five languages in drag. Yeah. We sew a little. We dance a little. We do comedy a little.

There are people whose entire lives are dedicated to sewing lace. I know. Do you know what I mean? When it comes to one little thing, they're like, okay, I'm an expert installer of zippers. That's their entire career. I know. You know what I mean? There's like, and so when you see drag queens, when they walk away, if they made the costume,

they're usually wearing long hair. Oh yeah. Because if you've got a four way stretch and they do a zipper on it, it goes like a dinosaur spine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's, yeah. How would you, how would you fix that bias tape? No, no. What you do is you, you have to pull the,

um, as you sew the zipper on, first of all, you can't do an invisible, but as you sew the zipper on, you have to pull the, um, the fabric as you sew it. And, but you have to pull it't do an invisible, but as you sew the zipper on, you have to pull the fabric as you sew it.

But you have to pull it at the same tension on each side. So it's very, very difficult to do. But you have to, so you have to pin it, of course. Yeah. And it's still, you have to pin the shit out of it and you got to measure, you have to, and then you got to dart the shit out of it. You got to dart the back so that it hugs to the body and is more of a body contact. I hate when it's the butt and the shoulders and it's like a fabric tent. My favorite thing is to do two fierce darts with a zigzag.

Oh, it's a c**t do it. Yeah, I love. I mean, I love it. Sewing stretched is no joke. It's not easy. No. I learned to sew from a flat patterning book. I never learned that.

I never learned that. So that's how I learned was I made a pattern of my bodice, pattern of my bottom. And then I made like three sleeves, two skirts, and I just Lego mix and match. And that was nice because I built it for my real measurements. So everything fit perfect. But I never used stretch. And drag queens are always like, it's so easy.

You just trace your body. Years later, when I started using stretch, it can go very awry. Of course, because also the fabric can be slippery. If you don't, because I don't, I don't pin shit. I don't pin shit. So pin so i like i i know that's great i do everything wrong but it still works for me because it's stage wear after at the end of the day it's not going on the rack it's not someone else no if i'm making something for somebody else i'm high stress i can't do it when somebody's like i like that can i borrow it i will go i made that yeah so no lining just so

you know i made yeah there's sequin, raw sequin edges that are going to chop up your arms and legs. When are you going to get fisted? I don't want to. Are you sure? And I think it breaks your asshole. It doesn't break everyone's asshole, but I think for me there would be a danger of breaking my asshole.

And I like poop the size it comes out now. You don't want it any bigger? That angel hair pasta. Stop. That's what I want. Sorry I brought it up. Back to fisting. I mean, some guys have those short, fat dicks

with a huge head. It's like being fisted. Oh, you know, those guys have those mushroom dicks where when they put them in, it feels like they're putting it in basketball first. And then when they pull out, you feel like you've been gutted.

I was recently chatting with some i was chatting with a a man on one of the one of those apps and it literally was a a thin stock in a huge mushroom cap they love it who loves it everyone god it was i was like you're gonna plunge my toilet No it's like a lollipop It's a fucking double bubble It was a No it was a plunger And I feel like The physics of that is going to

It's like a French press up your ass Yes It feels like a giant piece of concrete On the end of a piece of rebar It's like jagged Like somebody walked up to a construction site and got a piece of rubble and said bend over leslie it's i don't i don't love that idea i don't love that idea i'm fine with just call me old fashion and i've realized that in los angeles in los angeles this is conservative this is

close-minded this is laura this is Laura Ingalls Wilder it's Laura Ingalls Wilder via like Arkansas State Senate or whatever I just want Amanda hug and kiss like I just want to touch hold kiss touch and if we are going to do anal

I want kissing then oral then some light fingering then slow and then ammonium love gay I want kissing, then oral, then some light fingering, then slow. And then a modium. Yes. I love gay. I am gay.

I'm a gay. I love gay. Okay. Gay pride, whatever. I just think that. Did you see Mariah? No. So not really gay pride. Not that gay.

Okay. I'm not that gay. I think that, I think we're taking it a little we're pushing it to the limit we're pushing things to the limit things are getting pushed to the limit i watched this david attenborough um documentary on netflix about how you know this guy is 93 years old the nature documentary guy he's done millions of documentaries in nature he knows exactly how the world is dying we're pushing earth to the limit gay people are pushing sexuality and gayness to the limit yeah the breeding the um the lingo the imagery the imagery

dump the load dump the the um load collecting load this is um you're not you don't have a butt. It's a sperm bank. Yeah. Well. And I'm just, I'm concerned. I was just a concerned citizen without judgment. I'm wondering how many loads does it take? Yeah. Define. Yeah.

And. Yeah. Yeah. And, and the way we make pride merch too doesn't always have to call back to the bedroom. I think sometimes like a baby onesie that says top, bottom, and then like undecided. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if as queer people we need to be immediately identified by the sex we have, which is why it's so shocking when people ask things like,

who's the top or who's the bottom relationship or who's the man or the woman? It's like, when you random straight person, when you see me as a gay person, your mind immediately thinks about what kind of sex do I have? That is weird. It is weird. And I know from personal observation and locker room chit-chat, gay people are so wild.

They're wilding out with Nick Cannon. They really are. Every day. It's the secret life of pets. It's the secret life of pets, too. Sniffies. Sniffies. Sniffies.

Girl, it's... It's wild. It's wilding out with Nick Cannon. It is. It really is. But, you know, I think sniffies is sort of the frontier. It's a. It's wild enough with Nick Cannon. It is. It really is. But, you know, I think Sniffies is sort of the frontier. It's a reversion. It's encouraging knowing less about the partner.

It's encouraging maybe not knowing what they look like. Maybe in public. Which also I feel like is the upside. It's a great boon for the ugly. Can I talk to you about PT? Part-time work? Or physical therapy? Poodie tank.

My brother and my brother's wife are PTs. Talk about it. So I think last time I was on the pod, I talked about my arm. Did I talk about my arm? Your arm? Your elbow? So if you're all watching at home, this arm straightens this much. And this arm wasn't, it was like this, locked.

Chapter 44. Locked. I went to a PT and I kind of like thought it would help um he helped me so much so fast and even one session that i almost started crying and hugged him for my arm did you pay him though no i'm just kidding yeah of course um but i went to pt somebody for my tmj because i mean a couple weeks ago my mouth would barely open. That's how bad it's been. Oral sex no more. Yeah. I mean I could maybe folate a peanut M&M at this

point. But you're allergic to peanuts. Well it's a risk I'm willing to take. It's an sacrifice you're willing to take. What if I talked to it a week I'm willing to take. Chapter 45. Anything that has that fat nut in me. That fat nut in me. I want to have an allergic reaction

in my lower colon, baby. Ooh. Ooh. Anaphylactic shock. Wait. Who listens to this? Okay. Mama, people who want to die.

So something happened and I don't want to get kicked out of my doctor, but I want to say what happened. I feel like there's a doctor patient confidentiality. And I do think as patients, we should have the freedom to say what happened at our doctor's appointment, but I don't want to like overly share people's practices. We just don't, don't give the name. Trade secrets. Okay, great.

We're going to call them Dr. So-and-so. Dr. Dr. Dr. Monica DeMonaco. Yes. Okay. Okay, great. We're going to call them Dr. So-and-so. Dr. Dr. Dr. Monica DeMonaco. Yes. Okay. Easy to say. So I go in there and you know, I'm telling him about my job being locked up. It's Dr. Moon. It's Dr. Moon. Perfect. So he's like, get up on the table. Super helpful. Um, works on my elbow a little bit as a, as a, as a little pro-am race for the cure. Like, like we weren't there to see my arm and I mentioned my arm and he did a little bit on it, which was so welcome and nice.

Not that we should expect healthcare providers to put in the extra other body parts that you know, no ma'am, but it was nice. So he starts working on the jaw. He's explaining it to me. He's feeling all over my head and he's basically like, okay, your jaw is supposed to be an even hinge that goes up and down. One of your sides is recessed. So the whole thing is off kilter, which is why like when you chew and talk too much, it creates problems for you. So he gave me exercise to do, but Mary,

you better believe he had to put on gloves, reach in my mouth with both thumbs, both thumbs in my mouth, both of those thumbs. And I'm just going to say he wasn't unattractive. Dr. Moon was hot. He was very handsome and professional and nice and helpful. So thank you, Dr. Cal was hot. He was very handsome and professional and nice and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Moon. Calming energy. I mean, for a doctor to put their fingers in your mouth and for you to not feel weird and embarrassed, I felt very relaxed, chill. But he goes, all right, we're going to get your jaw open today. And I was like, okay. And I kind of like didn't believe him.

I'm getting hard. He goes, we're going to get your jaw opened up. Which any other context, you know, but this is a medical environment. You know, this is a medical environment, you know, this is a medical bar, you know, I, by the way, would you have gagged if he took like an x-ray of my head and says, have you been sucking cock? Yeah. So he gets both thumbs. Both thumbs are up inside my mouth and he goes, you can bite on my thumb.

So I put pressure on the thumbs and then he uses the pointy part of his thumbs to start pushing into the soft tissue, my hinge joint. And he's looking out into space because people who do body work, they almost look away from your body to like visualize your skeleton while they're doing it. Massage people sometimes like look, look out into space while they do it. Yeah. It's a little horny. Yeah. So, but it wasn't too horny, but I was thinking like, wow, this is intimate. Somebody's thumbs in your mouth is intimate, not in a sex way.

No. So I don't want to get kicked on my doctor. No, don't do it. I was completely professional in orbit. Right. I think it's okay to acknowledge that in other pretenses, this could be the beginning of porn,

but this currently is doctor. I watched a porn that started like this. Right. So then he's pushing the thumbs and he's pushing thumbs into the soft tissue and basically prying my jaw open. And he's taking breaks and he's going, are you okay? Are you okay? And he's prying, prying, prying. The terrifier? Pretty much. And he's like, your jaw will shift one way really easy. And the other way it's so locked up. I can't even push it the other way. I mean, it's so bad, but he got it open a few more millimeters. And I was able to eat this week and chew with like no clicking and popping and no major pain.

And I'm seeing him again tomorrow. And I'm so thrilled. I was like, do you think we'll be able to, after a few visits, you think we'll be able to get it open? He was like, oh yeah. Which was so comforting for Dr. Moon. Dr. Rebel Moon. Yeah.

But you know, in other contexts, beautiful doctor, thumbs in my mouth, eye contact saying we're going to open it up. I'm like, oh my God. I watched a pornographic film this morn that involved a man putting his fingers in another man's mouth. And you know what happened. Well, what about what I sent you the other day? The guy at the Scientology place.

Oh, I loved that. Somebody on Grindr messaged me. Well, what about what I sent you the other day? The guy at the Scientology place. Oh, I loved that. Somebody on Grindr messaged me. I was in New York and they said, meet me at the Scientology museum. And I said, for what? And then they said, oh, I'm in the second floor bathroom. And I said, are you for real? And they said, well, I actually usually go in the movie theater because there's movies playing for free all day and no one's in there.

And I said, you're weird. And then 10 minutes later I said, what movie? Dianetics. Because I thought, what if it's the Lady and the Tramp or something I'm into? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like Citizen Kane. They said Dianetics book one. Yeah, of course it is. The guy said, at this point I have it memorized.

I mean, I think there is. I'm not into Scientology, but I don't think we need to be jerking off in the movie theater. No, and also there's like, just go to the public library. Well, that's gay people though. Not only are they only into fisting, because anal is like too normcore. Yeah. French kiss. They also can't do it privately anymore.

Gay guys are like, well, why wouldn't we go down to the Gelson's and I'll lay over a fucking display of cantaloupes and you can gut me. Well, no, it's like, do you want to come over? Uh, no, I want to go to the Home Depot parking lot. You know what I mean? Like what was, are you nuts? A hundred percent. We, we met like we're, I mean, our story.

You suck my cock at the American dollar store. It's like, you know, when we're at a party, we're like two years. It's our, it's no, it's our wedding anniversary. And it was like, like, how did you do it? And like, well, you know, like every other gay man, we're so cliche. We met fisting at the Home Depot second floor parking lot. Yeah. He took a foreskin.

He did a foreskin shot out of my cock at Disney. No, no, no. At the Ikea showroom. In the Ikea bedroom showroom. Like, call me old fashioned, but I only have sex in the bedroom of an Ikea showroom. So I met him at the Disney store on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. and he rimmed me. Yeah. He was the guy with the snake. He shoved it up my ass. He put, he fed the whole boa constrictor up my ass just with the tail was coming out. And then I got it. And then I ran around Hollywood Boulevard with just the tail out.

And then the snake's mouth came out of my mouth and then he ripped it out and then he fucked me again with it. We went down to the Madam Tussauds and he fucked me over the josh brolin wax figure so he kind of had a three-way really and i said oh my god is that all you mama i think that i i truly do feel for the men who like you know when we were i could half the crowd i could tell was like kind of gay or maybe like a third of the crowd was gay when we saw dune 2 and i know those sandworm scenes i know what they did to those men i know what those sandworms mean to those men they're like oh i wish i had that on my ass that sand to see i wish i had that giant worm up my ass that tim that timothy little bird body riding that thing they they want him to get fucked by the sandworm they want the sandworm to knock him over and then just to have him like legs open overhead like a pretzel.

And that worm just goes straight up his little rickety body. Well, because it's a metaphor. They see themselves as Timmy Chalamet. Yeah. They see the sandworm as like sexual freedom. Yeah. And then they see the sand as like adversity. That's true.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Do you like public sex? Are you turned on by public sex? Um, uh, uh, no, I don't think so. Okay. Okay. Do you like public sex? Are you turned on by public sex? Um, uh, uh, no, I don't think so. Okay. But so if you were somewhere, let's say you were on a beach.

I don't want to get arrested. Well, let's say you're on a beach and someone really hot is coming on to you and you guys are starting to get handsy. Would you be, would you a go along with it? Cause it's in the moment or B be like, Oh, this is better because there's excitement. Is it the excitement? Does it turn you on that someone might see you? I don't know.

Sucky dick in a park bench. I don't know. No, because I think I have the fear of legal action. I don't want to be labeled a sex offender. Me too. But if we perhaps if we lived in a world where the naked body wasn't criminalized. Yes. Things might be a little bit different.

And I wouldn't even have this conversation in my head. We wouldn't be talking about load collecting. Have you ever had sex at a gym? No. No. I did once. Bathhouse. Oh, okay.

Bathhouse. Okay. Yeah. But that was like in Brazil. Yeah. Where people were, I mean, it was a place to have sex. Right. You know what I mean?

Have a sex. Have a sex in the gym. I was at a gym once and this guy came up to me and it was one of those gyms that was like day pass. He had a $22 day pass for the gym, which I was like, God, it's close to, it's close to whatever. Great. $22 for a day pass, I think is a lot.

Yeah. I think it's a lot. Well, yeah. Granted, I know as a member member i'm not a member i'm getting allowed in i'm very thankful great i'm at the gym and this gentleman comes up to me and starts talking to me i'm like oh great oh wow it's like oh yeah this gym whatever and then um so i'm in this city and they were like yeah this gym is actually famously owned by like a conservative uh a conservative public figure this this, this, this gym.

And it randomly is like the cruising place. And the guy's telling me this and I'm like, anyway, that's cool. And I'm so thick in the skull. I don't think I'm getting cruised. Like, I don't think I've never,

I've never, you have to pay attention to get cruise and I'm never paying attention. So like, you know what I mean? Like you have to be like, did someone look at me? Yeah. Yeah.

They'd have to have two fingers up your ass for you to be conscious of them. Exactly. I have my hand pulls in. I'm listening to music like, do you remember? You know, like I have my own stuff going on. And then I'm like, it didn't occur to me that he might be hitting on me by making me aware of the fact that this is technically a hookup gym. And I didn't know. It was a pretty empty gym, but it was the middle of the day during the week.

So I figured they're all empty. I go to the locker room the locker room's like almost like a lot of winding every day is a winding road so show crow and i'm changing and the guy who talked to me earlier comes by and he's in a towel and the towel swings open and he goes are you coming and i go get out what is this like you're on debbie does dallas yes debbie i was there to work out so i didn't know this was gonna happen so i felt almost like i would have felt pervy if i came here like right because i don't want to have sex in public it's just if you're gonna have a hookup do it in a room private me personally i would rather do private yeah and this guy's like are you coming

and i'm like well i was on the way to the shower, so I guess technically I'm going to that area of the bathroom with you, yes. Open concept shower? No, individuals. Individuals with frosted glass. Frosted glass? So then I'm like, well, I guess we're doing this. And then we f*** off. Well, I lived right down the street from you, you know, because I arrived at your house one day.

Let's just say, in high spirits, let's just say feeling my fantasy. Let's use a euphemism, shall we? We can leave it at that. Yes, yes, yes. It was a good night. I don't think I knocked on the door.

I think I came through the window. You did? I think I maybe flew through the window. It was Christmas. I remember that. It was Christmas. I took a shower with my clothes on. We got a package.

Yeah, I was cutting invisible cucumbers on our kitchen counter. Then I went into the bathroom, turned on the shower, left the bathroom. It was a lot. It was a lot going on. But you know what, though? You are a consummate professional and a decent human being because not only did you not call the police.

No, I didn't. You did not call my mother. Or my babysitter. Or my grandmother. I didn't know any of that. I was like, girl. I killed them all. I know that you have been I know that you're a woman of experience, experience with crazy difficult people.

Not only how you control a rowdy crowd with a microphone, but the way that you navigate and having a crackhead in your house was very admirable. Well, you know what's crazy is that, you know, when I started drag, I mean, it was a different world and you met all different types of people. So you have the hoes, you have the druggies. I mean, I've had my world and you met all different types of people. So you, you have the hose, you have the druggies.

I mean, I've had my share of drugs as well. Yeah. I mean, it was just part of the scene. So it's not so much. Well, you know,

I mean, I know, and I, I don't want to be so okay boomer or remember when, or back in our day, but like, I've always said this, honey,

drag Queens were typically three things. Yeah. Prostitutes, drug users, drug dealers, or scammers. No, I don't forget alcoholics too. Oh, alcohol and drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Prostitutes, drug users, drug dealers, or scammers. No, and don't forget alcoholics too. Oh, alcohol and drugs. Yeah. And all of us steal. We all stole because we're all poor. Right. And it's like, so how, when did it become that we're not only running for Congress,

we're running nonprofit businesses to serve the community. Well, it's also crazy that when drag it became a business because in the beginning it was like, remember when you would get- Well, it's business. It's risky business. Very risky, but you would get in drag to like go meet with your friends and hang out. Or a man or-

Oh, I've never done that. You a man in drag? No, nobody wants to. No, honestly, you were- Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, listen. What, what, what, mama? Mama. What?

Darling. Yes, sweetie. Talk to me, honey. Oh, I'll talk to you.ie Honey Speak to me We need subtitles For this section I'm gonna Ha ha

We can't do ballroom Because Aja's gonna get pissed So don't do it Oh that That yeah No no You would think Because let's just not

You don't exactly look like Margot Robbie No More of a Lucille Ball perhaps But Wait this is news to me. I don't look like Margot Robbie? Listen, she would never wear bottom lashes.

Oh, she wouldn't. Those devastating lashes, that incredible crease, the soft blending, those ruby- Blending? Okay, now you lost me. Those luscious ruby lips, that glossy bang covering that horrible forehead. F*** you, b****.

The hair tastefully wrapped up in a- a police and they say oh yeah i want to no i want her to fuck me in the butt that's what they say they say you are wilma flintstone and i want you to bedrock my ass with your fucking tank okay now that you've made now you're getting me hard because that actually sounds appealing true though but you know the though. But, you know, the scary thing about it is, you know how we talk about all the time, the queens that love to have the fans that they have sex with, that are always like, ooh, I like that type of person. I've never met those type of queens. I don't know who those are.

Yeah, get a mirror. So anyway, these people that enjoy that, I couldn't imagine, but then, like, imagine like, in a moment where you're having sex and somebody just, like, turns around and looks at you and goes, yeah, not today, Satan. Like, that would like, ruin. Think that would like ruin. Think about it. Think about it.

I'm only saying it because it happened. But think about it. It's horrible. Like my just crawled up back inside of me. But what you say, you go, you go, need help packing. We gotta talk about Tootsie. We gotta talk about Tootsie. I finally saw Tootsie.

I'd never seen it. Let me see your Tootsie roll. I was not ready. Honey. We didn't talk about Tootsie. I've never seen it until now. So if we ever me see you Tootsie Roll. I was not ready. Honey. We didn't talk about Tootsie. I've never seen it until now. So if I ever did talk about Tootsie, I was pretending I'd seen it.

And now I saw it. Okay. Dustin Hoffman, Terry Gar. Because honestly, you don't have to see Tootsie. We get it. Do we though?

I'm going to cross dress to be on TV. Like we get it. No, the, the, the insurmountable, the plot, the,

the plot device of insurmountable problem only surmounted by cross-dressing. It's so c***y. One of the boys? Yentl. Tootsie. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Is the answer. Get that on the TV. I am watching that. You said cross-firing. Cross-firing. Well, that's when, yeah. So in Tootsie, he's an acting teacher and

he has a, Terry Garr is his student girlfriend that you're kind of sleeping together and he's not getting work as a male actor so he's like, let me try female acting because it's easier. I don't know, it wasn't really clear on why becoming a woman was the move. Yeah, but he gets cast on a soap,

right? In my opinion. What? In my opinion, if you need only the suggestion of an audition for a soap to cross dress mama, that was headed in. That was coming. That was coming, babe. You know what I mean? It's like drag queens who have no paid gigs.

They get one unpaid gig and immediately get acrylic nails and shave their eyebrows. It's like, honey, jump aboard the cross dress express diva because miss fierce and detective fierce that was coming the trans siberian railway is taking off the polar six express it was coming mike well how about the the the truly i mean in these movies most of these movies, Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, for example, these people are not what I would call Pasolena. Well, Mrs. Doubtfire, I would say yes. But is Mrs. Doubtfire passing? More tonight at seven. Passing what?

Passing what? Passing the bar. Passing a stone. She's passing a stone. Well, if you're passing for an old lady, you're passing a stone. You're passing a stone and you're also, wait, the, wait, so Tootsie, Tootsie. Tootsie Lou. Would you f*** Tootsie?

I know you would. I know you would. Even out of drag, Dustin Hoffman, I'm not really attracted to. What about, what about the graduate? No, too short. Oh, he's like 4'2". Yeah. So that's how he passed as a woman on, on the soap.

Duh. And I believe in short Kings. I love that. I'm not going to your kingdom. You know whatuh. And I believe in short kings. I love that. I'm not going to your kingdom. You know what I mean? I believe in short kings. I see you. I believe in you.

I don't f*** with you though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All drag is valid. If you have to get on your knees to suck my d*** and then we need like a yoga, like a block for you to get on. Oh my God, a little padding. Yeah. And I don't, we're all the same height laying down.

That sounds like necrophilia. I was just going to say that. That sounds like necrophilia. I was just going to say that. That sounds like necro. T. Like, what about, like, I wanted an acting gig, so I had to become a corpse to get f***ed to get on TV. Let's take another break. Guilty. But basically, there's a few parts I loved, which is Dustin Hoffman is, he's improvising in the scenes and he's giving the female characters more depth

because in this series, the females are all wanting to doctor. They all, they're all passive. Yeah. And he starts going off book and being like, no, I'm not doing that. Whatever. And then he's cheating out and going, well, why would she do that? She's a woman with kids. Why would she blah, blah, blah. So he's adding depth to the character, which makes the viewers at home like that character. And so it's kind of funny because while stealing a role from women, just like Stanley Tucci taking every gay role, I was this close to being in Devil Wears Prada.

Every single bald gay role. Every bald role. Every gay role. Every one. And people get mad about other people doing it, but Stanley Tucci doesn't. No one cares. Why was he in Burlesque and Devil Wears Prada Playing the same exact person?

Always gay I don't care about gay playing gay I care about good job playing gay You just have to do a good job You just have to play the character If you're doing an action And you're like, hello, here we go guys I'm gonna kill you

That's not gonna work Although I live for like, you know, I mean, representation comes in all forms, but when like Reno 911 was on TV and what's his name? Nick Swartzen played Terry

who gets arrested all the time. He's always like, he's the guy who's like, leave me alone. I'm dead. Wait, he was, but you can play,

anybody can play gay, but not anybody gay can play straight On Broadway you can You're my girlfriend And I love to eat your pussy Literally Honey baby doll I love you, I just love you

I think we should get married My wife is having a baby right now I hate I asked her what her ring size was and she said she wanted a princess cut. I'm like, honey, with those hands? I hate all music. You're giving Harkonnen. What does that mean?

It means the Baldi's from Dune. Is it hot? I think so. Okay. The fact that we were not scouted and then headhunted and then cast as extras in Dune II as a member of the Harkonnen planet on Ganyprime is so flagrant, so hateful, so rotten and unforgivable. I'm only hoping that Denis Villeneuve, if he gets his shit together,

will realize the error of his ways and right that wrong by casting us as extras. I don't want to line. I don't want to line. I can't act well. I know that. But I won't want a line. I don't want a line. I can't act well. I know that. But I won't mess up the movie with dialogue, but I will stink up that set as an extra in the background.

And he better come correct. Knock on doors, open in, check it out. Mama, both of us. And no lines. Famous, bald, not great actors. But I will love to be in the background of that, on that set with Zendaya and Timothée Chalamet and all those people.

I think you're a good actor. I'm not, but it's okay. I appreciate the comment. And when I say I'm not, sometimes people are like, no, you're an actor. I say, it's okay if we're not good at everything. Yes. I know. I don't like patronizing lies.

I'm not good at it. And I don't aspire to be good at it. So it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. But I tell you what I am good at. Singing. Right.

Here we go. Here we go. We'll be right back. intermingled with a splash of dehydrated piss. My first darkest night, running down her thighs. Cuzzle up the guilt that's forcing from the core of this. Black diarrhea. She's got black diarrhea. Well, I miss rehab. I want to paint a picture to you and I want to see if you know what this picture is.

Okay. So I'm like, imagine I'm like a very classically handsome like shirtless, very barely clad guy or the same version of a female. Okay. Just hot. Yeah. Universally hot. Universally hot.

You walk into the frozen food section and I'm right here. What do you do? Do you know what I'm talking about? You find me at home wearing this. What's the vibe? Oh, that like clickbaity Twitter. Yes. Like you walk in the locker room like this.

What do you do? Yes. Oh my God. I hate it i hate it too i hope they all die i hope they all die i hope they all perish i hate it too and it's also like also it's like gym shorts and it's like yes what do you do it's like well i don't sexually assault you at the store if that's what you're saying i'm picking up half and half sugar and a couple of bananas for for a snack i'm not raping people at the supermarket.

Well, not just that. Sometimes it'll be like, oh my God. It'll be the full anal bead up the butt. And they're like, you walk into the GameStop and I'm behind the counter like this. What do you do? But they're not like that. That's funny. This is what they are.

No, but they're not trying to be funny. No, but they're not. No, no, no, no. I'm saying what you're describing is funny. It's heightened. Well, I'm doing comedy. Okay. I don't want to do comedy.

I want to do social commentary. I'm trying to do the intersection between specific and exaggerated. Well, you're doing a great job. Thank you. Let's take another break. No, no break. Don't you dare. Let's take a break and you go TV.

And they screen wipe. I like, the thing that's almost, the thing that almost saves it for me is that it recently occurred to me that absolutely many of them have fake dicks. They're packing. They have packers on. What? They have packers in their pants.

The Green Bay Packers. Yes. They have packing dicks in their pants. That's their packing peanuts. They are packed up. They have – they're like – there's a few of them and they all for some reason, I don't know what the sort of – what the rationale. I'm sure that logistically it makes perfect sense. They have several different Instagram accounts.

Okay. Oh, I think you know why. they have several different Instagram accounts. Okay. Oh, I think, you know why? Because many of them,

they, they're like in preventative, um, they're doing damage, like preventative damage control because I think eventually they always try to push the boundaries of what is allowed on Instagram. Oh girl. And they love to be like, Instagram hits gay people. I'm like,

you were actually sucking cock on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. You had all your fingers spreading wide open your hole. I saw your goddamn brush. It was bright red. It was bright red on Instagram. Yeah. You had all your fingers spreading wide open your hole. I saw your goddamn brush. It was bright red. It was bright red on Instagram. Okay. It was like bolognese. It was, it was marinara on Instagram. You know, I fucking can't take right now. I hit you so hard. I'm so hard. I can't fucking take it. Are you watching these? Do you get in this, the algorithm of hairstylists doing their consultations on camera?

Miss Honey Faggot. Let me tell you something, bitch. Miss Nelly Honey Faggot. Sit down in your, sit down in your wickered descending wheelchair and start screaming. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. Walk me through it.

So like there's a TikTok camera here, a phone, I believe they're called TikTok cameras. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. So like there's a TikTok camera here, a phone, I believe they're called TikTok cameras. Yeah. Yeah. AKA a phone. Yes. We're going to get YouTube down here to film this.

So they film people and they go, hi, my pronouns are she, her, whatever. And they make the person in the chair say it, which is lovely. Fine.

Great. Love it. Love it. Love it. Yeah. And you know what? If you have your conservative clients your liberal clients are like it's actually they him thank you your conservative client will go

my pronouns kiss my ass that's fun and everyone wins yes every nobody doesn't like that everyone loves it it's so fun it's classic it's original it's always right on time yeah and it's um doesn't ruffle any feathers ever no no no no um love. So when they do the consultation, they go, can I touch you? Which I get it. I get it. But how are we going to cut and color hair without touching people? Are we doing telekinesis? Like, can I touch you?

What if the person goes, oh, there's touching involved in this? They're like, absolutely not. I thought you were going to whisper from about six meters distance and then my hair was going to turn. I know it's a formality, but it's those moments where I'm full. Am I red state?

Yeah. Am I, you know, I'm like, can I touch? Yeah. Where do you stand with butthole pictures? Well, I love them. Okay. I love them because I want to know what's going on there

if I need to get my weed whacker out. Right. Do I need to, do I need to like, like. For you, it's more like having a nap in the mall. Do I need an extension cord for my turkey knife? Do you know what I mean? Yes. I need to, I need to, yeah.

Do I need to, we need to get Tabitha in here. Tabitha. Tabitha takes over your asshole. I call it when I top. Yeah. When I top, it's when Tabitha takes over. Tabitha takes over your asshole. That's what I call it when I top. Yeah. When I top, it's when Tabitha takes over. Tabitha tops over. When I'm topping, girl, tonight, Tabitha's taking over.

Oh, my God. Because my in-drag name. They've done such a bad job topping you. You're like, okay, hold on. Hold on. Give me a kiss. I'm taking over. And, you know, when I hook up in drag, that's my taffy name.

I'm taffy. Taffy takes over. And then when I'm topping in drag, it's Tab taffy name. I'm taffy. Taffy takes over. And then when I'm topping in drag, it's Tabitha taking over. Fierce. Oh, that's fierce. That's diabolical. You know what I think? I think topping is fierce.

I love it. I think there's something to it. I love it. It's great. I think I'm going to come around. And also, yeah, you got to get into it. It's fierce. And also like, but the only thing though, that's tough.

And I have a hundred percent empathy. Unfortunately, like listen to accents. I know we talked about this before. It's just, I don't want% empathy. Unfortunately, like listen to accidents. I know we talked about this before. I don't want to talk about shit, but we're ending. We're going to wrap it up soon. So we might as well talk about shit. It is always something. It's always, it is always possible.

Is there accidents? Yes. You're talking about like when somebody rear ends you on the freeway while you're getting Yeah. Yes. But I'm like, there's always a chance that there will be blood, you know, striking oil. Of course. Yes.

Unfortunately. I mean, striking oil. Usually it doesn't spray you in the face. It's the fracking. Yeah. When you're fracking. No. You look like you were baking brownies and their kitchen exploded.

I mean, unfortunately for me, that usually means I would say, okay, I would say you have to be the love of my life in the first two weeks of our honeymoon phase for me to pause. We clean up everything. And then in a couple hours or something, we try again. That's usually, that's really not happening. It's we're done. We're done. And that's okay though. That's okay.

We're done. We're done. And that's okay, though. That's okay. There's no, like, I would never, I would never, ever make anybody feel some type of way or even into it or even give the whiff that I was disappointed or that they were. A real man keeps going. A real man takes that turd out and f**ks it. Okay?

And you know what else? What? I'm sorry men used to win wars men used to build houses men used to f*** turds I can tell you how many times I've caught boyfriends crouched over the cat box

f***ing those turds no you f***ing rancid s*** can one you think what's fine s*** on d*** no I think it's a measure of maturity how you handle that situation of course and also like and here's the thing though you really don't I don't expect anybody

to um because the times that I bottomed I'm like I say four out of three out of four times four out of the five times that it ever happened no like I say four out of I don't know times, the five times that it ever happened. No, like I say four out of, what's the, I don't know what the fraction is. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And when only one person's on your dick. Yeah. No, I, I'm like every, almost every time it happens,

I prepare it to bottom. I'm like, this is, this is crazy. It is crazy. This is crazy. And even sometimes you think you're so clean and you're wrong. And they pull their out and you put your mouth on it and you go,

Oh, okay. Pudding pop. Okay. Well, well, well, just as I thought,

and now I have to either recoil and pain and go like, ah, no good. Kaka. Yeah. Or, or, or,

or, or you need to double down and guess what, honey, you might have to, you know, clean it off before you get like, you know, I am going to go kill myself.

I am not a part of this anymore. I was never here. You were never here. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, even when you do do clean out and even when sex is going well, there's always take for granted the fact that things might still happen

in the 11th hour. I know. That's why I was so thrilled to go in to get the job done in five minutes and get out of there scoff-free, clean as a whistle. Boom. Let's watch a movie. Also, grow up. If you're going to f***ing lay down the brown bath

towel and prepare for the worst. Yeah. We're not on the white Tiffany sheets. And then, and then I got canned goods on the radio. Thank you. Also, you better believe I had my new Cjoe duvet cover delivered.

We, I, I, I put a huge worn and weathered throw blanket over that thing. I was not about to get one drop of lube on that.