The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Dock of Dreams with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go to the Dock. When you've got that warm feeling and all the noise and the hurry seems to help, you can go to the Dock. Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city, linger on the sand where everyone is pretty. How can you lose? The lights are not brighter there so you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, and go to the Dock. Things will be great, there's no finer place, everything's waiting for you at the Dock. Start making your financial dreams a reality with Chime. Signing up only takes two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score! Get started at Chime.com/BALD, or clicking this link: https://www.chime.com/apply-debit/?ad=podcast_bald To try the #1 Meal Kit for Eating Well, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD60 and use code BALD60 to get 60% off plus free shipping! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. It's so weird that we record in my old bedroom now because the number. I mean, this was a thoroughfare at a time. This was Grand Central Station of scrotums. I used to have guys kneel over me and stretch the scrotum skin over my face. Like a wedgie. Yeah. Like a wedgie. I wedgie i've been suspended

from the ceiling in here with just dental floss oh man do you get naked i mean i just i'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking what should we get naked i mean i i think we i think we should however there are ladies present and I just don't feel comfortable. I think you're right. We should wait until the kids get here. Showing my breasts, my boobs, and my wet cunt. There you go. Not to get right off the bat here because, you know, but the day we're taping this is the day there's another school shooting in the United States.

Must be Monday. I'm going to blame three things. Drag, woke. And grooming. And grooming. Yeah. Not guns. Well, I saw this woke.

If they didn't have the woke, people wouldn't go broke. And then life wouldn't be such a joke. And they wouldn't have to shoot everybody up. Right. It makes perfect sense. We got to get shackles on woke Tina Aguilera. Because that's who's behind it. Yeah. And then also call. We got to get shackles on woke Tina Aguilera because that's who she's behind it. Yeah.

And then also Judge Jeanine has to weigh in. We need to kill them. We need to kill them. It's horrible. Another school shooting in Tennessee of all places. It's horrible. Tennessee's fucking on my list. The state of Tennessee is on my list.

The state of Tennessee is in a timeout. They're in a timeout. We don't have to talk about school shootings. I know it's a bummer. I know I want to talk about only school shootings. Well, this is a rather lighthearted satirical program. And we're not joking because it's funny. We have to joke because America is in love with guns.

They love it. They're obsessed with it. They want to touch them, hold them. They want to lick them. They want to stick them, hold them. They want to lick them. They want to stick them up their pussy. Stick them up their pussies. And they don't want to, even in the wake of true child blood shedding,

they don't want to believe for a second that it could have something to do with access to guns. No. There are toys that choked three kids. They're torn off the market within seconds. IKEA furniture that tramples three or four kids, it're torn off the market within seconds. IKEA furniture that tramples, you know, three or four kids,

it is, you know, it is taken off of the market. Mama. It's, I know. Mama.

One kid gets sucked under a Peloton and then boom, sales plummet. Jail. When you go now to Azkaban, almost every cell

there's a Peloton. It's now a form of the death sentence. How about this? A woman gets scorched by Dunkin' Donuts hot coffee. And now they got to put a warning on every cup. They have to warn people that coffee is hot. Thank you.

In other news, water's wet, bitch. Thank you. It was a lawsuit. Big deal. Gwyneth. Was Gwyneth behind it? Gwyneth was working the window. Let's keep it lighthearted and go right to the trial of Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

I love, can I say, I don't know that. I'm obsessed. What is it called? The counsel who is like the opposing counsel. The defendant. The defendant's. The plaintiff's. Counsel.

Mama. The plaintiff's lawyer is smitten with Miss Goop. Girl, she loves to be like, and what's your shoe size? About an eight and a half. Okay. That's's and it's a petite foot. Okay, you must be able to buy a lot of different shoes. Yeah, that's nice. And you have a closet. You put all the shoes on display. And then the other person keeps having to be like, um, relevance.

So what do you have? Five, ten? I'm like, I'm five, four. I'd have to wear four inch heels. I saw that clip! So fierce. And by the way, the other, I can't think of the word, lawyer. The other lawyer,

litigator. I've been a litigator. Attorney. The other attorney at law keeps being like, but let's say, Gwyneth, you were to be with a woman,

would she look like me? Do you know what I mean? Do you like brown hair and glasses? Or are you into short women? You know, maybe women over 50, women over, you know, in the legal profession. I don't know. Will you fuck me, Gwynny? Fuck me?

Man, it's crazy. My first question would be, why would you name your daughter Apple? That's the first thing. Yeah, enough about this skiing bullshit. Let's get down to the real business here. And also, was it fun to be married to Chris Martin from Coldplay? I bet that was fun. Love him. I bet it was. And also to was it fun to be married to Chris Martin from Coldplay? I bet that was fun. Love him.

I bet it was. And also to be entangled with Brad Pitt. Oh, I didn't know about that. So you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. You like Shania? I do.

I do. I love that song. I also love I'm gonna get you. It's a matter of We can't sing this, can we? Let's go, girls. That that's triggering why is that bachelorettes that makes me think of me putting on the good old putting on the good old cat suit the good old leopard print hooded thing and going out there

and going oh the best thing we're going out tonight we going, oh. Best thing about it. We're going out tonight. We're feeling. While people are carrying trays of fried pickles by me at the Hamburger Mary's. And then it's a woman in a penis necklace and a tiara. Oh, what? Oh, what the hell is that? And you're like. Flailing your arms, smacking you in the face.

Throwing up. Yeah. Throwing up. But you know what? There was a drag queen, Becca Jox, used to do that song. And she was let's just say not winning any beauty pageants ever um she was a dog type of lady a doggish type of girl yeah and she would wear these um pat brown patchwork boots with every outfit a pink sequin gown brown patchwork boot it was so fierce it was so so fierce

there is a serious some drag queens have a part of their brain they're they're um lobotomized fashion they're fontanelle yeah fontanelle dupree fontanelle dupree yeah but that fontanelle prevents a part of their brain from ever developing that knows what shoe goes with what outfit yeah and i understand that when you start drag you're like well i have one hooker boot and one clear shoe right then just wear the clear shoe unless you're doing a hooker outfit you don't know what i mean like your shoe wear the clear shoe if you're on a local level if you're working at like a marriage or something where they don't see your foot pack one clear shoe one clear shoe one clear biscuit biscuit bitty bitty bum bum bitty bitty bum bum where's your clear biscuit biscuit here's your french fries yeah could you ever you know i never worked at ellipse um but there are

restaurants where isn't lucky chang's too where the drag queens are the servers yep could you ever i could never um but the first drag show i saw was peppppermint at Lips in New York City, probably circa 2001. Was she gorgeous? Flawless, effervescent. Nice. Gorgeous and energetic, bubbly, like a girl you want to be friends with. What's the smell? The smell was Chalamar.

And the song was Beautiful Stranger. I want to say it was Beautiful Stranger, but I don't know. You can put a gun to my head and throw me in prison. That is my favorite Madonna song. It's a great song. I know it's not exactly the pinnacle of this Madonna sound, but I love that song. It sure beats L-U-V, Madonna. That's my other favorite Madonna song.

Other cities make me feel like a dork, but not New York. What is that? Is that a lyric? I love New York. Who sings that? Her. Oh. She.

Frozen. You guys putting a dog down to Frozen? That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Oh my God. So let's talk about it. Yeah. So F in the chat for nappy. F in the chat.

What does that mean? Oh, in video game world, when somebody, let's say you're on a team and you die, like trying to make sure the rest of the team can win. Okay. It's like a respect for a player who died in the game. Oh my God. You're going to get it. I think.

This is so intense. I think you're right. That sounds familiar. Hold on. is so intense i think you're right that sounds familiar hold on um so my studio mate andrew had a senior chihuahua he inherited from his uh grandmother his great grandmother which is different than senior frogs totally different senior frogs is a restaurant this is a dog who's a senior yeah in high school 18 years old i believe senior in high school senior in community i mean he was like, this dog was old.

Couldn't see. He was the end of times for him. Andrew got this dog because his- And Patty. His aunt Patty passed and like willed the dog to him, which was great for Nappy because, I mean, Nappy fell into the arms of a, at first reluctant, but very loving family with Andrew. Yes.

Yes. Nappy is short for Napoleon just FYI and um he was uh you know the dog was like um very cute I had a chihuahua I had a chihuahua for 16 years and so it's not for everyone no no no no it's not for everybody it's good for family um they're not very they tend not to be very social. Anyways, so we had a doggy death doula come to the house, Andrew's house. It was me, Aiden, Pete, Andrew, and a couple of other people. Oh, and Joe, Pete's boyfriend. Doggy death doula.

It sounds like a drag name. Doggy death doula. In the show tonight, we got Dusty Ray Bottoms and doggy death doula. Give it up for the 12 dancing toes of the Doggy Death Dula. She's your baby sister. She's my baby sister. She's everyone's baby sister. Welcome to the stage.

Doggy Death Dula. She puts your pets to sleep, but she keeps you awake all night long. So Shanna, she comes in. First of all, the soundtrack that he had on the – I walk into – it was Sarah McLachlan. And you know what, though? There's the time and a place for that. It was the time and it was the place. It was like so crazy. So I am like, I'm like, Oh, you know what? I'm probably going to get emotional because I was, I remember my Chihuahua Raul Luis being put down in our living room by a doggy death doula it's hard my sister my mother and i harder to let go of people than dogs it's really a weird thing but

dogs are because they're perfect they are because they're perfect and they're they're not they're not they're not scheming they're not scheming they're not um they're not uh pulling the wool over your eyes they love you unconditionally and they're there just to love you. We were puking, crying, me and my mother, when we put down red wool. It was hammer time. Uh-huh. It was like— How old were you?

I must have been 16, 15. So it's almost like you were born, and then they were like, let's just get the dog. Wait, no, no, no. I couldn't have been 16. I must have been 22. Maybe you were born and then they were like, let's just get the dog. Wait, no, no, no. I couldn't have been 16. I must have been 22. Maybe you were home from college or something. Yeah. Or yes, because we got him when I was, he was the size, he could fit into your palm.

We got him from birth. Anyways, blah, blah, blah. Might've been 14. But you had really big hands when you were born. A huge. It was like skin oven mitts. It was really actually kind of gross. Yeah, they were fused together.

We had to cut them. We had to cut the digits. Yeah. But so the doggy death doula comes in did you know courtney act has webbed toes i sure do i do i was like i'm not laughing no you are yeah and you should because she's perfect otherwise everybody has to have at least one flaw no it makes her more perfect she can out swim you oh my god she's got flippers oh my god God, you're right. She's Daryl Hannah in Splash. Fuck. She's got that mermaid pussy. So the Doggy Death Duel comes and it is like, all of a sudden, all of a sudden I'm like, oh God, here we go. Here we go.

Can't stop crying. I was going to lose it. It was just so, so sad. We're all in black. Everybody's in black. And Frozen by Madonna's playing know frozen by madonna's playing and then um enigma's playing and then this like it's just the most ridiculously it's so overwrought it was so dramatic and gay it was so dramatic and gay but the woman was so this was at

andrew's andrew's house yeah in pizza so you were all in black was it like american horror story coven like black lace, pointy hats? What was it? It was, I was just in like head to toe black, just kind of like this, a little dressed up jeans, black jeans.

And then, Shannon comes in and she, you know, she was so funny. She was like, she was so soft. She talked like this. Now,

now what I'm going to do is I'm going to give him a shot and then he's going to go to sleep. I mean, no thing like this, that it was like every step of the way. She was very like, she was the gentlest, most like empathetic. Just she was the sweetest person in the world.

And then she invited us to some death dinner. Show us some death dinners. What is she talking about? Well, I think it's you bring a friend and there's a lottery and well, one of you dies at the end of the night. No, I don't know. It's like a grief death.

So does she charge for that? I'm confused. No, no. It's just a social thing. It's like how do you deal with death and grief. And she was like, you know, after this, sometimes people like to go eat together. No, no, no, no. I think she has like during the week. But you know what she did?

She took that fucking dog carcass, wrapped it up, swallowed it. Not swallowed it. Swaddled it. Excuse me. Imagine if she ate it. That would be so fierce. In front of you. Yeah.

She said, you know, after I put it down. Yeah. Does anybody want a leg? I mean, she swaddled it put it in the back of her fucking prius and then hit it what what about when people are eating like carving up a turkey and they go like are you a leg guy i don't like that maybe it's because a vegetarian i don't like are you a leg guy are you a breast guy i'm a neck guy i don't like i'm a gizzard guy are you a lizard gizzard guy i give me them

gizzards you got some feet um so she put nappy in the prius and then what happens and then she got hit by a car and it was it was that's not even funny guess who got in a car accident yesterday who are you serious i'm in my uber not to not okay i'm building on your story not derailing your story no not derailing your story. No, I'm done. Okay. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation.

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you can keep your cool and stay in control of your work with advanced power dual cooling. Welcome to the pro-life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. I'm in the car on the way to Santa Monica to the recording studio to work with Nick, who produces my tracks. My Uber gets sideswiped. Uber sideswiped. I've never been sideswiped.

It's not the same as being rear-ended or front-ended where you lurch. Two cars going the same speed touching. It's a sensation it's very you feel almost furious you felt the rubber of the tires skid like a foot right on the road it almost felt like hoop and then i noticed that car so close that i could reach in their window like their windows no you should have. So the car slowed down and the Uber took out his AirPods. The driver had AirPods in. Okay. Could have been part of it. I don't know.

But I'm scared as a drag queen to tell any stories about Uber drivers without being 100% honest about what happened. Right. Precedents have been set. Yes. Yes, they have. So then I go, oh, God. And my Wisconsin came right out. I go, oh, did he get you?

Like, I think that's empathetic. Oh, crap. Did they swipe you? And he did hit him. And we both knew. And I think this way to soften it for me was to go, oh, did he get you? Like, I didn't notice. I noticed. You noticed.

We all noticed. Who was at fault here? Was it hard to say? We were driving straight. And this guy merged into us. Okay. So, and I said, do you need me to stay and say anything? He said, Uber might send you a email or whatever, ask you to say what happened. And I said, yeah, you were driving straight and this guy merged into us.

You were driving drunk with your AirPods in. So then it was 15 minute walk to Nick's. I was in Santa Monica already. So I was like, I guess I'll just walk. So then I start walking and I had shared my location with Nick. He drives by and picks me. He was like, hey, you need a ride? I was like i guess i'll just walk so i start walking and i had shared my location with nick he drives by and picks me he was like hey you need a ride i was like yes i do damn side swipe is that your first uber accident uber accident yeah yeah it's crazy i had one too i had a couple of them actually and it's um you know it you're always driving no no no but like i i hate to say it i was like i was like

that was my reaction wow like now i'm in mid-city yeah and i gotta on the street now i gotta call another you lean forward and you go this is actually very inconvenient for me this is like i don't mean i i just see you you're broken your neck and you're bleeding on your eyeballs but this is like totally disrupted half a day of skiing. Couldn't you wait two more blocks? There's a Dave and Buster's up there. Oh, I've been wanting to go back to Dave and Buster's. Have you?

Yeah. Ski balls. Yeah, all that. Dance dance revolution. On tour, I got a lot of gift cards as gifts for Dave and Buster's tokens. I'm ready to go in there. And just goon and groom. Yeah, and I have a lot of points right now.

And you can redeem some of your points for appetizers. Get out of here. So you can go in there and get your little Southwest egg rolls and play your little Guitar Hero. That sounds like food and fun. Yeah, and I love Guitar Hero. So I go in there and I put on a show. Oh, you let them have it? No one cares.

Do you wear a wig? No, I'm in there like, rock me like a hurricane. And no one cares. People are like, oh, you bald, faggy fuck. Yeah, sit down, Mary. Sit down, you fuck. From the back, they're like, is that Sinead? That's the only bald woman I can think of, but there's so many more bald women than that.

Susan Powder. Well, she's not bald. She's bald blonde. Do you know Susan Powder? Stop the insanity. Nope. She might have been before your time. I know Susan Boyle. Oh. I know Susan Boyle.

Oh, I know Susan Boyle. And I know Suzy Orman. Suzy Orman. How about Suzy Kurtz? Is that a name? Suzy? Suzy Kurtz. Yeah.

I really like Suzy Orman. Okay. I listen to her Women in Money podcast. I have to fucking listen to it too. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. She's taking. Okay. There's so much.

Give me some intel. Well, there's in the money world. Yeah. There's so much mystery. People who know how to work the system to make money don't want to share the information. And it's mostly men. Yes. This is the women in money podcast where she fields questions from moms, daughters, wives, whatever.

Nuns. Nuns. And she tells people like, hey, my husband did this with our money. Or like, hey, I'm trying to create an emergency fund. What's the best way to start that? She goes all the way from like, how do I open my first savings account up to like stuff I don't understand. I listen to her episodes about like trading stocks. I don't know how any of that works. Read derivatives and all that crap. I don't understand where I listen to her episodes about like trading stock. I don't know how any of that works.

Derivatives and all that crap. I don't know how any of that works. Or when she talks about, I mean, I know what an IRA is, but I don't really know what it is, but I think we've talked about this. Your impersonation of her was very good.

Oh, I mean, it was, I don't know. I was unprepared. I'm not saying she's a lesbian. She is a lesbian. I know,

but God forbid a woman calls in and tells a story about like, my husband persuaded me to do something stupid with money. My husband owns a boat. My husband keeps one of those stupid boats. She. She has no time. She leans in and she says, girlfriend, girlfriend, you are denied. And she shuts them down.

Time to start munching on puss puss. Yes. When you marry someone you marry their financial situation oh my god guess what

I just learned today what I have exceptional credit the highest credit score you can get let's celebrate that now what does that mean um

it means that I could get a boat loan tomorrow that probably helped you get your house did you take a mortgage I took a mortgage. Yeah. No, but I was like, you know, Bank of America

loves to send me these. Check your FICO score, cunt. And so sometimes I do. And then I was like, all the way at the end. Exceptional. I was very good for quite a while. Now I'm exceptional. It's like 1 through 800, right? Is that right? 830 or I think it's up to 8,

a little past 8. Would you check that out for us, honey? I don't know what mine is. Let's check it. Get your phone out. I could get a loan for my new house. Of course you could. You could get a loan for anything. But I think that had more to do with my income and less to do with my fabulous credit.

Well, yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Having good credit doesn't mean having good income. Of course not. You can still have great income and terrible credit. Or you can have great credit and not great income. fair. Yeah. Having good credit doesn't mean having good income. Of course not. You can still have great income and terrible credit. Or you can have great credit and not great income. Right. Yeah.

It's a scam. In a way, it's a scam because it keeps people – it's a gatekeeping mechanism that keeps people from – This is something I'm very passionate about. I don't like that in America the bank will say you can't afford an $800 mortgage, but your rent is like 1500. Mary, I can afford this rent, but you're telling me I can't afford a mortgage for half. In Minnesota, for example, I know that they have something called a first-time home buyers thing where instead of paying a 20% down, you can get 10, which is game changing. And the other thing is I wish there was zero stigma around mobile homes, trailer homes, prefabricated homes, tiny homes.

Because when you're 25, if you could afford to buy a trailer and live in it, you have no rent. That means in five or 10 years, when you want to buy a house, you have not spent a decade throwing money out the window. I know. Yeah. It's a little like funny or whatever. When people come over and you're like, yeah, it's my little love palace.

Ha ha ha. Yeah. But ha ha ha. How about like, oh, the elevator is broken and we have to walk five flights of stairs and there's no AC and my roommate is having a pound fest and is on, you know, is twirling the pookie and there's cockroaches in the hallway. That's what I mean. You could live in a trailer and like own your home, live alone.

All you have to do is utilities. And then someday you just sell it. I mean, I'm talking out of my ass here because when I, I lived in a trailer until I was 18 and I was always really ashamed of it. And looking back, I'm like, God,

knowing what I know now, that's different though. You were young and you're, I mean, you know, no young kid wants to be poor. And also being a family in a trailer is different. I know people have children.

There was one, two, three, four, six of us in a trailer. That's a lot. Six of us is a lot. One bathroom. Yeah, we had five of us in a bathroom, but that was a house. One shower. Me, my two sisters and my brother shared a trailer, a bedroom. Now, was there a shower?

Obviously there was a shower in the trailer. Yeah, we also had a fridge, bitch. Listen. We had lights. You have a TV? No. Yeah, we did. No, I mean, have you ever been in a trailer?

Yeah. You have, yeah. Because David Silver, he'd never been in one, and I was trying to explain to him. I was like, it's a lot like the tour bus. Yeah. But not that nice. I mean, I don't know what a new mobile home looks like. I lived in a mobile home that was maybe from the 70s.

Okay. So it was a lot of paneling. Now, this was not a mobile. You couldn't. No, this was the kind where you buy a plot of land. Yeah. You pay the state to set you up a water pump thing. And what do you call it?

A septic. Okay. And then your house gets delivered, plugged in. Of course, we weren't the first first owners of this thing i'm sure um and so i remember moving in and because i lived in a trailer young and then we rented a house for all and then i moved back into a real trailer at like eight i was like four of us okay i share a room with my brother whatever but then two babies came along four four children girl i mean this is kind of crazy i slept

in my sister sam and i who has a baby now she and i shared a single bed into my teens she was like five six that's so weird to think about now but it was so it was so normal it's just but with charlie and chocolate factory yeah you know i was grandpa joe yeah piss in the bed they were all peeing on each other everybody Everybody's Grandma Josephine. She's she's sucking the cum out of a condom. As she pulled out of her own ass. Well, anyway, I just wish young people now had options like I understand apartments and condos exist. But if you live in a town where you can maybe afford to just buy a mobile home for under $ thousand dollars yeah the down payment for a mobile home will be two thousand dollars and then until you get

a house is that they're really only twenty thousand dollars i mean some of them yeah if you bought them like second or third hand and it depends where you live obviously of course if you had a mobile home in the middle of manhattan which doesn't exist it would cost a lot more well that's just called an apartment yeah east village and it's going to cost you about $1.5 million. And I don't want to be dumb and out of touch because I've spent over half my life in a trailer, so I do know what that entails. And if you live alone, you're a professional. Yeah. I'm not saying it must be a trailer.

Basically a studio apartment. Studio apartment. But I wish they had more options like that. No shared walls. No shared walls. That's fabulous. Blast music. Come and go as you please. My trailer looked like, do you remember in Kill Bill when Bud gets go as you please my trailer looked like do you

remember in kill bill when bud gets killed that was my trailer lovely paneling spit spit cup yeah and you know there's obviously some drawbacks but i wish that there was more options for young people to own property that didn't cost a million fucking dollars yeah every um gen generation z um person i talked to um it's like a joke to them. It's a joke. Owning a home or owning a property is just like, call me when you sprout fucking antennae and start fucking pigs or whatever. I don't know. I love YouTube videos where it's like,

I toured the smallest apartment in Tokyo and it's like 200 square feet. I'm very interested in people who can live with very little. Is 200 square feet small? Very. Just for reference, can you- This entire condo is 1,400. What about the square footage of this room

if you had to guesstimate? What would you say? This is maybe like, this is 10 by 10. So 10 square feet? Well, what's 10 this way and 10 that way? 100 square feet? This is 100's 10 this way and 10 that way? 100 square feet? This is 100. Oh, so I mean an apartment that's twice this size is huge.

That's what I mean. Yeah. I just wish there was more options. I lived in a closet for five years. In a closet. How small are we talking? Like a dorm? Like your bathroom.

Lofted bed. Yeah. Lofted bed. As an adult. From 25 to 28 29. mama it was it was grim tina but if you i mean i'm not saying everybody 20 would prefer to live in a palace of course it was two when i was 20 i was just i felt like beyonce because i could live on my own yeah it was so worth it to me to live shittier but not not have roommates. I was like, oh, see, I had four roommates. It was so gnarly.

In a room like that. Or that was your bedroom. And the daycare underneath. It was a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot. Yeah. But, you know, $250 a month to live in Boston.

You can't really beat that. We are deliriously fortunate to have homes. I know. I know. I know. But anyway, not to bum everyone out. I just wish there was like when I heard about the first time buyer thing in Minnesota, I'm like, oh, my God, for somebody to pay half the down payment. Life changing. Yeah.

The down payment really is that is the hurdle is it is just an insurmountable hurdle. Because once you get that down payment, your mortgage is probably about what your rent would be. So then you're just not throwing money away. And what do you have to do? Either a rich parents, which not everyone has. No. Or someone has to die or like.

Yeah. Doggy death doula. Doggy death doula has to get hit. Who's going to inherit money? Mama, who's inheriting money? Not my ass. Not my ass.

My mom has so much debt. I'm trying to keep her alive. Thank you. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I just, I wonder what that's like. I'm trying to keep her alive. Thank you. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I'm not, I just,

I, I wonder what that's like. I read, I met this guy who was like, um, the son of a shipping magnate at the gym. And he is, uh,

he's clearly, his family is extremely wealthy. Billions. And, um, and it's like, I was talking to him briefly about like, you know,

he's making jokes about like, oh yeah, I love my family. Can't wait for them to die though. And because, you know, I was talking to him briefly about like, you know, he's making jokes about like, oh yeah, I let my family came away from the dialogue. And because, you know, like he stands to inherit probably like a hundred million dollars. Fun. Yeah. I mean, that's what do people call that?

That's fuck you money. I love that term because it's psycho. It makes it seem like people's dream is to get rich enough to tell people to fuck you. Yeah. Which is such a weird goal. I know. It doesn't, it's like, it's so, no. I have a friend who had a boat for a long time, a big yacht.

And all they did was half the year. What do you think about houseboats that are on land? People live in houseboats on land. I say we get a trailer. At that point. You know what I mean? Yeah. My first summer in P- p-town my options were either

to rent a apartment for the summer for eight thousand dollars what three months yeah eight thousand dollars p-town's so expensive it's like twenty five hundred dollars and i was like well i don't know how much money i don't know if people would even come to my show so i was like who knows my other option was there was a small small small houseboat on sale for 15 000 and i remember thinking well god then i own it it's there but then every night after my show i have to paddle out on a dinghy to and i drink and that's not how i'm going sleeping with the enemy Mama she's gonna fall right off the boat And never be heard from again I'm getting penetrated in Davy Jones' locker

You would be the little mermaid You would be the little mermaid The big mermaid Ariel is white Yeah I would prove that Ariel should have never been white They'd be like she drowned I can't imagine you after the show Still little raccoon eyes on

Drunk as hell With the trade, still little raccoon eyes on, drunk as hell, paddling. With the trade. Yeah. I will single that for summer too. Can you grab that paddle? Come on. Yeah. Don't worry, honey.

I'm going to eat you out. You know, I don't know. But I thought about like, well, if it's a floating little boat that just has a bed and a mini fridge, at least I have privacy. Well, but when the storm comes, when Hurricane Bob rolls through, when Hurricane Diane comes a-calling. But what when the storm comes, when Hurricane Bob rolls through, when Hurricane Diane comes a-callin'? Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back,

so you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. This will be the day. Did I ever tell you this story about the boat?

My first day in P-Town, I don't know a single person. And you know, P-Town's its own little ecosystem. Yeah. when you're the new person yeah i'm the new drag race queen in town doing a show everyone's like so you're her so what can you do bitch you know i'm sitting there this guy takes me for a lobster roll by the way disgusting oh putrid putrid i don't even eat meat but i was like i'll try it and i was like this is fucking nasty and your whole family i'd rather eat cat shit 100 yeah deep fried so we're sitting there on the beach and i'm like so promise something me call i had a different voice and it was a lobster my friend he's sitting next to me so nice and he his name's troy and he's i was like god look at all the boats and he's like yeah and i was like look at that little shitty one look at

that little ugly shitty little yellow one like why even have a boat he's like yeah and i was like look at that little shitty one look at that little ugly shitty little yellow one like why even have a boat he's like yeah and i was like you know and he's like that's my boat and i said yeah but it's like nice because it's small and you can like parallel park it i don't know how i tried to like and that i was in the mouth mutilated the first person not mutilated mortified mortified i wasn't mutilated he mutilated so first person. Not mutilated. Mortified. Mortified. I wasn't mutilated. He mutilated. So then later in the summer. That sucks. Did you stay friends with him? Well, there's an area offshore in P-Town where when the tide is low, a little island appears, basically, and you can have a little party. So one summer he took me in that little single seat boat over there and I was like, your boat is cool.

It gets you from point A to point B. How about that dick dog you ever fucking around i went down there once because i had to experience it and i just walked through and i'm gonna play you guys the soundtrack now okay so it's dark there's waves crashing can you be the waves okay and then the wind's kind of blowing can you do wind it's so far away it's's okay. Just think it. And then it's, um, it's. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my. And I walked to the end. I turned around and walked out and I said, I get it. I get it. I get it now. That's why they call it the dick dock. Sucking dicks under the dock. All right. But I always thought I was too good.

I always thought it was too good to go to the dick dock. What do you mean too good to go to the dick dock? Because I was like, that's a little too girls gone wild for me. Oh, really? Sexually. Blowjobs? Public dark blowjobs under a dock. It's under the dock and it's, look what you just said.

Public dark under the dock. It's hidden. Yeah, I guess. It's not like it's under the dock and it's look what you just said public dark under the dock it's hidden yeah i guess it's not like it's in the city hall so but then other nights like i meet up with a guy we start talking we start making out outside the bar whatever this is crazy i've never even told anybody this they were building a house on the on the beach somebody's like brand new house the doors hadn't been put on it was like plywood. Me and this guy a little bit drunk. Went in there. Yeah. Fucked it till you splinters in your ass.

Mary. Me. Oh, your flies aren't done. One foot up on a window while this guy eats my ass. Just blowing in the wind. One foot on the dresser. Another on the closet. Tear it up like old newspaper because it ain't built right.

No way. Oh. Oh. So I just think it's funny that i was like i was like that's oh god see they're coming to get the groomer so i just um i remember getting like tongue up my ass in an unfinished home being like and i'm too good for the dick doc but i'll'll break and enter. Oh, you're christening it. Yeah.

And now that house is finished. And when I'm in P-Town and I walk by it, I'm like, that Brittany Murphy clip of I'll never tell. That's me. You seen my cousin Vinny? Uh-huh. Of course. Marissa Tomei. I just watched it again today.

She eats. She eats. And Joe Pesci eats. Mama, everybody's eating and shitting all over it. Great movie. Everybody's eating and shitting. Ralph Macchio. Ralph Macchio.

Yeah. What a lovely guy. Karate Kid. Handsome fella. But Marisa Tomei. Oh, yeah. The guy from the Munsters. Yeah.

And also Rob's dead is better. Rob Cobb's dead is better, Gage. Yeah. Yeah. Marisa Tomei is so good. If you guys don't know, anybody who's attracted to women, because I bet you a lot of the young girls who like girls who watch us don't know about Marisa Tomei in that movie.

Oh, maybe, perhaps not. The body, fire. Yeah. That clip of her on the porch pacing and she's in a bodysuit. Yeah. The wardrobe is cunt. Face card, unbelievable. cunt. Face card. Face card.

Unbelievable. Hair card. Voice card. The comedy she delivers from that stand when she's, because you don't know the answer. It's an impossible,

it's a trick question. Those monologues, girl, she rips them up. She literally, she tears that shit up. And I was watching it on YouTube yesterday

in the studio and David Mason was like you know Madonna would have killed for that part I was like mama Madonna could never it just would have

Marissa's so she's so good I can't imagine a single person I know and I think apparently allegedly she got she got an Academy Award

for that Best Supporting Actress yeah and she was shocked mistake allegedly the guy who read the card maybe Jack Jack Palance, oldie, oldie, just read her name because it was at the end. But it wasn't necessarily the winner. Because they hate to award comedy. I know.

So it was a big shock. I'm not sure if this is true, but that's what he said. But it would make sense because it was very unusual for them. But she did so incredibly well i mean it's such a good role i love award show t love that if nobody's seen milton burles and rupaul oh my god milton tries to get fierce with rupaul they're presenting together and i get the pairing glamazon yeah oldie that's fun yeah yeah milton goes off cuff or off the cuff and tries to ad-lib something about her. And RuPaul just snaps at her and says, what do you want me to change your diaper or something like that?

Fierce. Fierce. Fierce. And then in the press conference afterward, RuPaul would never today. But she's really cunty and feeling herself. And she lets that whole press conference know, well, this is why I said it. She tried to get fierce and then you had to bulldoze her. And what?

And I also love Katy Perry getting waterboarded by slime at the Nickelodeon. Have you ever seen this clip? No, no. Oh, I got to watch it. If anybody at home hasn't seen it, Katy Perry is presenting at the, I think like some kind of Nickelodeon awards, maybe kids choice awards. Okay. Um, she gets absolutely waterboarded oh because the slime comes the slime comes okay oh you got it okay watch looks great not thrilled not thrilled at all. Blinded. Cataracts.

That slime is in her brain. She hates it. She's like, I'm sorry. That's not okay. No, no, no. They got her down here looking gorgeous in her blue wig. That level of. It's actually unsafe. It's supposed to come from above.

Up her nose into her brain. That was a fire hose. That was a fire hose. That could have taken. That took her eyelids off. Could have gone in like lashes up into her brain. That was a fire hose. That was a fire hose. That could have taken, that took her eyelids off. Could have gone in like lashes up in her eyeballs. Infection. I hate that. Isn't that horrible?

She doesn't deserve that. She deserves a lot, but not that. That's terrible. I hate that. I would be fucking livid. I'd be livid. I would pick up the podium and throw it into the crowd. Because it doesn't

She actually is so shook by it that I'm sure the producers backstage Who in a moment knew that they were wrong Were like Like Trying to protect their jobs Did we almost just kill her? Who decided on that force, the velocity, the pressure

God It was God I don't know, she doesn't deserve that i mean that's crazy imagine if it happened to madonna mama she would have pulled out her ar-15 and would have gunned down the entire audience no it would have that did happen to madonna she made an incision took the slime within the hips and that's where she's at listen listen to the song within your heart i have to say and i'm i i never forget me but down and i don't care and you know what that video of hers with corn rose in surrounded by people saying oh amy schumer so should i go on tour yeah and they're like yeah girl go on your Legends tour. But only if you play the hits.

I'm talking like a virgin. Lies la bonita. She's like, okay, you think I should do it? You think I should do it? I'm going to do it. Let's do it. I don't need this heightened pretend scenario. You want me to believe that she's on tour because Amy Schumer and Bob the Drag Queen told her to?

And Meg Stalter. I believe that she should go on tour. Snoy schumer and bob the drag queen told her to and in a mextalter i don't i believe that she should go on tour snoop dogg or whatever yeah but that was a weird video it was so strange it was so strange i was like how much did everybody get paid probably nothing but it's so strange so so strange i don't like those manufactured like viral you know what i mean like we want to do a viral moment yeah like it's not oceans 11. yeah like we don't need to just get a bunch of celebrities in a room to it was just girl get off the iphone and sing imagine you know what i mean like do that that worked did you know that that did that did work i did a tick tock making fun of that and it got removed for bullying

That did work. I did a TikTok making fun of that and it got removed for bullying. I also did the other day on TikTok lip synced to Tyra saying, what did you call me earlier? A fag enabler. That got removed for hate speech. Well, of course that got removed. Fag enabler. I love that. Love.

So you described me as a fag enabler. And Tyra says it like, so you say I'm a fag enabler. And she goes, ooh, why don't you tell us what that is? She says it like she can't wait to be called a fag enabler and tyra says it like so you say i'm a fag and she goes oh why don't you tell us what that is she says it like she can't wait to be called a fag enabler and that's an ally tyra's like please say it again she is wild i was just talking with westboro's there to make her look normal mama westboro and then so tyra you got tyra the fat suit you can remember of course gwyneth the fat suit you remember mary bre got Tyra, the fat suit. You can remember. Of course. Gwyneth, the fat suit. You remember.

Mary. Brendan Fraser, the fat suit, the whale. I recently watched, so we're having, again, this discourse about the whale. I can't believe it was made. I haven't seen it, so I can't get into it. I won't see it. We have to see it. Okay.

We're going to watch it. We have to see it. Okay. We'll watch it. You know what the sad thing is? I bet I'm going to watch it. We have to see it. Okay, we'll watch it. You know what the sad thing is? I bet I'm going to love it. I bet I'm going to sob watching it. Hong?

You think Miss Hong would lead us down the wrong road? I think that we would find her down a dark alley and be buoyed by her presence before we were then knifed and shivved and robbed and left for dead. And what's her name from- Sadie uh sadie sink yes i trust sadie and i trust brendan but i don't trust darren and i don't trust the fat suit and i don't trust the maudlin anyways so shallow how watch the trailer for that holy shit that movie was not that long ago. No, no, no. It sure wasn't. And it was maybe 20 years ago.

It was 2001. Mama. Well, it's important to not judge media from with the eyes of today. Well, but right, right, right. So, but I'm saying like, you know, there are classic films, classic pieces of literature that can age. Of course, there's certain things about them, whether it's language or whatever, that is anachronistic or somehow evolves into offensiveness or whatever. But this was hard.

But if it mortifies us now, it means progressive movement. Totally, totally. That's a good thing. It's a good thing to be mortified by that now. Yes, yes, yes. yes but it's just i mean looking back oh it's the same thing with ace ventura ace ventura girl mama i enjoyed that film very much my household did very much saw it several times looking back now again that was probably 25 years ago the fact that sean young's character had a penis made the entire well first it first it was the crying game spoof. Made everyone throw up.

Yeah. The crying game spoof, which was like made everybody throw up. Everybody threw up. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Like the, like the Goonies or whatever. Yeah.

It's just, it's so wild. The trans thing, the body thing. We are, it is so crazy how much. Honorable mention, Jim Carrey eats in that Ace Ventura shit. Oh, yeah. He's very funny. I love him so much. He's very funny.

And I love Sean Young, too. It's a pity that they had to, you know. She's so beautiful. Finkel and Einhorn. Finkel and Einhorn. And that old woman who plays his mom. I don't remember her name. Remember?

The old woman who plays the football player's mom i don't remember you remember laces out the cookies with the laces out in that movie i don't remember that oh i guess one of us just like a better fan um no shallow hell what's sad about shallow hell is the moral of the movie is don't judge people on while they look how people look does not matter right at the end he doesn't love her because she's revealed to be thin right or wait that's not right no is no the premise though is so oh the premise is crazy it's so crazy tony robbins tony robbins the motivational speaker gets caught in an elevator with him he's like hypnotizes him to only see the inner beauty, which translates as all fat people are nice angels and all skinny people are fucking horrid devils.

Well, do you remember the scene where, do you remember the scene where there's like that hot girl? Yeah. But we only know she's hot when Gwyneth Paltrow is talking to her. Yeah. And then the rest of it, she's like an old witch woman.

Yes. The reveals are so. They're crazy. They're so offensive. That movie's crazy. It's really fucked up. I think that concept was better executed long term in like I Feel Pretty. Which one was that?

She hits her head at a SoulCycle class, Amy Schumer. And then she looks in the mirror and she's like fucking gorgeous. But her image doesn't change at all. She sees herself now as gorgeous. Yeah, that's something different. That's something way different. But it's the same concept, more graceful in the execution. Because it's not about how she looks.

It's about how she feels about herself. Right. And it's also not relying on just a ton of really cheap fat jokes. Like jumping into the pool and emptying all the water and a child flies up into a tree. Because that happens. When my fat friends jump in the deep end, I often end up in a tree. If I have my floaties on, especially.

The part of that I'm fine with is the child getting thrown into a tree. That's fun. He should have been impaled by a branch though. Love that. And then been like, yeah, she's like, oopsie.

We're like, you know, she'll drink a whole milkshake and she'll throw her panties at him. And they're like size like 14 X. It's just so great. The trailer is fucking crazy. I, you know,

I love Jack black. I like Jack black too. And I also like when the pastor, but wow, what a fucking stinker. And different times. I wish different plaintiff would have really pulled a punch or two in this trial and asked her about shell hell but this is what year was it 2001. but this is a time where every movie was about disguises it's like white chicks that i mean like all these movies about like

people dis hey like even mrs delphi like you want to see your kids because you have to dress like a I mean like All these movies about like People Hey Like even Mrs. Doubtfire Like you want to see your kids Guess you're gonna have to Dress like a woman Tootsie You want a job There's a time where costumes Saved everything

Yeah You want to do something Become a different person You want to be taken seriously As a journalist in high school Be a man Just one of the guys Or

Never been kissed Yeah Pose as a high schooler It was always like So funny Very Shakespeare in a way Where you like Pretend to be something Also I just I'm obsessed i'm always obsessed with this genre of

movie that posits cross-dressing as the most effective problem-solving technique yentl yentl tootsie just one of the guys um uh mrs dalfire the birdca It's like, you want to cross-dress to solve a problem. To make your life easier. And also you want to switch seamlessly back and forth between roles, sometimes two or three times in an hour. Fascinating. Fascinating. But you know what? I've heard that in the Klumps movies, he's not even in it.

No. Tandy Newton said that she's never, he's never in like Norbit or whatever. Who's Tandy Newton. So Tandy Newton, Tandy Newton is, um, she's starred opposite Eddie Murphy in one of those movies. Oh,

I love her. She's so Tandy, Tandy way. Now it's Tandy way. Newton. Um, she is a fucking diva. She's so fierce.

But yeah, she said, it's like, how was it like working with Eddie Murphy? And she's like, but yeah she said it's like how was it like working with Eddie Murphy and she's like I don't know I hardly ever did

all my scenes were like opposite a stunt double so fierce crazy but you know what the kicker is I love cross-dressing in movies

for any reason really for any reason have you seen just one of the guys of course the sock in the pants yes love it i love it and also i love when someone is cross-dressing and someone else doesn't know it

and they accidentally develop a heterosexual bond but the one who's being deceived thinks they're turning gay love it's okay wild love that at the end when she uh rips open her shirt and she has these huge boobs. Yeah. Love it. It's so fierce. Let's recast. Oh, but it's so iconic. Let's do Kill Bill. Okay. So we got the bride and we got the four. Okay.

And then we got Bill. Uma Thurman. Margot Robbie. Margaline McRobbie. Yeah. For sure. Vivica Fox is going to be Tandiway Newton. Love it.

Yeah. Lucy Liu is going to be. Lucy Liu again. No. She yeah uh lucy liu is going to be lucy again no she could play she lost the same age i mean seriously lucy liu will be um oh god there's why oh that character has to be japanese well because of the story she's japanese she's half chinese half japanese she's half chinese american japanese Japanese. She's half Chinese, American Japanese. Okay, so she has to be, I think by today's standards,

you would have to cast someone who's actually part American Chinese and Japanese. No, I don't think so. I mean, I'm not from, you know,

Lucy Liu, who I believe is probably half Chinese or something. Maybe I'm not really sure what her name is. Because even Vivica's role, there's, there's jokes about like, I should have been Black Mamba.

That character has to be black. Right, right, right, right, right, right. I mean, honestly, it would probably— Whereas, like, the bride doesn't—I guess the bride does have to be white for that joke to work, too. I don't know. What about— But Bill could be anyone. Not David Carradine.

Bill has to be somebody else. Bill could be anyone. I was never crazy about that casting. No, no, but there's a whole, there's a mythology because he used to be in the show called Kung Fu. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would do, for Bill, I would do. That is Bill.

Fucking Will Ferrell. Jack Black. Because he's fierce Jack Black Yes No Paul Dano Adam Sandler Are you Bill?

No Adam Sandler's Gonna be Bud Adam Sandler's Gonna be Bud Adam Sandler's Bud Yeah yeah yeah Love it Yeah and then

You know what it would be Who's Daryl Hannah? Oh Daryl Hannah would be One eye patch Somebody who looks good In an eye patch It'd have to be It would be It would be... One eye patch. It's got to be somebody who looks good in an eye patch. It'd have to be... It would be...

Samara Weaving? I would believe that she hates... Samara Weaving and Margot Robbie are kind of like, they're doppelgangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that. Totally. Did you see Scream yet? No.

Samara Weaving's in Scream. I know. Eden said she dies at the beginning and it's fierce. Yeah, I wasn't going to tell you all that, but I'm glad she ruined the movie for you. I told her to spoil it for me because I'm not going to go see it. And then Sophie Fatale, she's played by an actress called Julie Dreyfus. It would be Julia Louis Dreyfus. Love, love.

Is that actress really French? So that actress, she speaks fluent French, fluent Japanese, and fluent English. She was amazing. She's perfect. Her Japanese and French are perfect in it. That scene where Bill's behind her and they haven't revealed him yet and she has one arm and she's like, she told me I could keep my wicked life.

That's not her accent at all. She's not British. I don't know why I did that. She's a little British in it. Her English is like British a little bit. Her English is not American. Yeah. And she's, yeah, she's, she was, she's not British I don't know why I did that She's a little British in it Her English is like British a little bit Her English is not American Yeah And she's

Yeah she's She was She's not American She's born in France I believe She is so fierce Those smoothies The taste That flavor

Inglourious Oh How about Inglourious Bastards Never seen it Oh Oh You've got to see it Diane Kruger

Diane Kruger Okay I got two words for. Diane Kruger. Diane Kruger. Okay. I got two words for you. Diane Kruger. I got to watch it. You have to watch it. I'll watch it when I'm in Australia. You've got to watch it.

Diane Kruger socks it to you. All right. Okay. I'll watch it. Should we wrap it up? Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up in a condom.

Bye. Use condom. Bye. Oh, this is fun for the YouTube. If you guys have great casting decisions for these movies, sound off below. Yeah. Oh, really quick. Who would you cast in Reggie Rochu All-Star Season 2?

Anybody's an upgrade. Except Roxy. Roxy's. She originated the role. Mama. Roxy is the lead. I would put Alyssa, Yara Sophia, and Tammy Brown in there. I think for Alaska, we get Juno.

She's already blue. Boom. Perfect. For D. We get a Nitra. A rapper. Oh, a Nitra A rapper Oh a Nitra Megan Thee Stallion

I want to see Megan walk in those chairs Oh yeah Love Yeah Yours Margot Robbie Margoleen McRobbie Yeah

Let's get Loppet out to play you Oh great Great idea Same costumes Should I bring that yellow suit you love Oh wait wait I got her One last thing One last thing.

One last thing. She just released a new album. Mama, it's so mid. Oh, no. So mid. I'm fighting. I'm fighting for my life. Did you do this?

Yeah. I did this. I was like, listen to the whole thing. And I was like, okay, well, that sucks. And I'm fighting for my life to, to, to, I'm fighting for my life to learn to love it. You know, it's tough because musicians are, musicians are allowed to change their vibe. Of course. And also you're also now to not, not want to follow them down that vibe.

So that's what happened to Lana banana. She, they both released their albums on the same day. Guess what? Flop Tina times two It's a cursed date It's a cursed date Two women I used to adore Now I revile

That's not true Music is hard Have a nice day Bye.