The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Face Giveth and the Face Taketh Away with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

As the sun sets and twilight arrives, the ghosts of magic hour appear on the horizon. Your callused hands work furiously to finish attaching the buttons to a new pair of slacks that hide your tiny calves while simultaneously accentuating the hills and valleys where the boys reside. As you take a break to demand that the lotion be placed into the basket, you place your new face on top of your own, marveling at the gentle beauty and the exquisite cheekbones. Your breath is momentarily lost as you realize that you've been reborn, and my gawd do you look fabulous, honey. Download Fetch now and use code BALD and get 3000 points on your first receipt! Go to: https://fetch.thld.co/bald_0222 Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Right over there. Oh, with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and one eye. Hi. Sorry, I'm just putting the finishing touches on a button for these slacks I just made today. I have a question to the audience. Because we switched shirts, do you believe it's a whole nother day? Or a week? Maybe a month.

Or months? Yeah. No, they see the same glassy eyes, the same patchy skin, and they know. Chapped lips. Like the wounds on your face haven't seemed to heal. I have one thing to show you that might be triggering. Oh, God. Is it a pookie?

I can't read that. I don't know i can't read that i don't know what it says i still don't know what this is the first page of our script oh oh there's a script this is our i'm just gonna tell the kids at home we it's a script that's about 85 pages and i would say you and i are about halfway ish uh-huh oh i've got, baby. I went to CVS to buy a binder. Look at my script. Because I didn't have a hole punch. Yeah. But I've been going through it. Let's look at the calendar. No, no, no. This is not a horror podcast. This isn't a true crime

podcast. It's in less than a month. I know, I know, I know. I'm living in the moment. Let's live in the moment. I know. It's crazy. I remember, I vividly recall, oh know, I know. I'm living in the moment. Let's live in the moment. I know. It's crazy. I remember, I vividly recall, oh, you're frozen. No, you're not.

I vividly recall. No, I'm just staring. But three months ago, and I'm like, it's in three months. Now it's different. It's sooner. It's less than four weeks, Mary. I know, it's crazy.

February is a short month. February is the shortest month. And it's not a leap year. There's a week left to this. It's three weeks. It's three weeks. Mama. Sweetie, darling, honey.

Sweetie, darling, honey. Are you scared? I'm not scared, but I wish i was totally off book instead of halfway oh my god i hope that everybody who loves us just comes with an open mind and no no no disclaimers no no disclaimers it's not going to be bad mama it's not going to be it's not going to be bad it's not going to be bad and you know what given the quality of drag in today's world it's going to be better than most things you see showing up is happening let me tell you that much yeah um girl yeah i mean it's can i you know i wrote a

bunch of things down to talk about with you today one of my questions i wanted to ask you was if you could go back and have like a ghost of christ Christmas future to yourself as a brand new drag queen, what skills or things would you have said? Do this first. Learn this first. This will help you the most if you learn it sooner. It's tough though because – Because you know how the irony is like by the time you can make your own costumes yeah you're like i wish i would have known but you know you can't know

those things until i think i would have but i wouldn't can afford nice makeup you're better at makeup right i think i would have done um i would have done the foundational basics of sewing of garment construction I would have done like uh community college or adult education like sewing 101 every three nights a week or something you know because they're like $20 classes sometimes I would have done that because like learning by trial and error by yourself winging it YouTube yeah but like it's just, you create bad habits and then it's really tough to break those.

You know what I mean? Yeah, and especially with sewing, if you don't really expand your vocabulary on how to manipulate fabric, you can only do sewing. Think about sewing. Sewing, garment construction. People devote their entire lives, garment construction people devote their entire lives

generations of families devote their entire life to just silk do you know what i mean like to just like trousers that's it we make jackets like when you're tight you know so that would be probably something that would be extremely valuable and also an extraordinarily marketable skill when you become uh obsolete in the drag arena not just obsolete but you can have a day job for the days we don't have shows making costumes for other drag queens yeah or anybody on a catsuit for someone afternoon and say hey it's a hundred sure or you can make trousers for you know prada or whatever yeah or just someone or anyone named prada yeah yeah Joanne Prada.

Well, I'm learning this and I should actually spend some time with this after this. But we are going to. What's your technique for memorization? Do you write it down? No. I go one page at a time in chronological order. And I say it out loud. I think about the shapes of the words.

I think about what I'm saying in relation to what just happened and that way what just happens before me becomes the trigger for my brain going oh I know what goes next acting is reacting yes so then I do this very high tech thing where I cover the page with my hand and I read the line before and I go, okay, what's next? I know. Very smart. Very big. You know what I do? This is a little unorthodox, although it is kind of orthodox. It's old school before the talkies. You do this, you take a roll of paper towels and then you wet two spots with your tongue. You put it on your eyes, you fold it up. it works well if you're wearing a hat and then i forget the rest of it but it is a it's a good technique do you know how much of that i thought was going somewhere real

do you know how much of that i was like oh marry me say yes say yes! Say yes! Say yes! No, I just, I've been writing it out in a composition. Look, I've been writing it out in a composition book. And I abbreviate your lines.

But I do include the first and the... We can have some long lines, honey. I'm not going to write those all out. But, you know, I'd say, you know, look, I've been writing. I've been working. Honey, working. Honey, working. Yeah, you know, I'd say, you know, look, I've been writing. I've been working.

Honey, working. Honey, working. Yeah, you have, honey. Well, the tour's going to be great. It's so funny and everybody should come see it. We're going to be all over the United States, all over the world. All over the world. All over the world, honey. It's getting a little overwhelming. Some of these venues are, uh, girl.

A little ambitious. Girl. Girl. Mama. Girl. Mama. Girl. Some of these venues seat 5,000 people. And there will be video, I don't want to give away the show, but there will be video cameras

on our faces on Jumbotron so that everyone can see us. All of our dazzlingly clogged pores will be in full glorious display. Yeah. We should have just recorded the show like a lip sync and then we could just lip sync to the whole show i'm gonna do you one better we should have just

made a movie and toured with that i love that yeah i know but we did some we have some cool i have a new talent i want to exploit because i want to do clubs again dj but well i love djing but i also want to i also want to offer guest bartending where i just only serve shots what do you want great here's your drink bye eliminate the whole performance thing i just need to put on the wig and show up and drink and go home i gotta work backwards i want to do music i want to just stand up now i'm like and then pretty soon bus boy drag bus mary i own a motel hospitality i'm back in the hospitality hospitality maid you're gonna pivot to maid that's your third act cleaning uh the jizz off of sheets in your mouth i'm gonna pivot to

maids yeah i'm gonna pivot to maids made in manhattan i uh yeah it's it's uh but the tour's gonna be great it is gonna be the most amazing costume people in the drag industry working for us so i have no i have no concerns in that area my concerns are my brain remembering all these dances we're gonna have to learn in the next like two weeks yeah that's that's that's what and i i told, I was like, and I said many times in very clear and ambiguous English, I am a slow learner. I need, so think about the stupidest person you know who can't do a step. How much time they would need.

Double it, and that's me. You know, because I want this to be tight. Well, have you told people who the choreographer is? Oh, no, no, no, then Miss Laganja Estranja. That's the thing. The pushed me to my breaking point with hello hello she went right up to the edge of what i could handle and did not spill a drop over edge but she she made use of every ability i had yeah she didn't overdo it but she didn't give me a room to breathe no i'm afraid that i'm afraid that we're going to go on the first day of rehearsal she's going to go all right this first part's really easy

you know what i mean where's the mini tramp in the crash pad yeah but i know i mean i the thing i'm the thing that i love about working with her is that obviously we're friends we've worked together she's she knows about the divas she knows about the dolls she knows about the broken dolls and she knows about the old divas you know so like dolls. She knows about the broken dolls. And she knows about the old divas. Plus, she's going to make those dancers work. I actually feel worse for the dancers than I do for myself. We have some great dancers on this tour. We've got Paula Abdul.

We've got Jennifer Lopez. We have Trevor, who is the tall black dancer in my video for Hello Hello. Get out of town. He's so tall. Such a good dancer. He learns dances like that. Yeah. He's the biggest bag ever, so he's so fun.

Oh, that's so great. I just love tall people because then I look such like a teeny tiny little petite girl get crushed by a car. I know. You know what I want to do on this tour i hope we get to do this i hope we get to do step bump step bump bump step bump step potabou ray clap yes do you remember in reno 911 when she does that oh my god wait wait or wait can i oh i going to give a teaser. Hold on one second. It's a little bit of a spoiler, but because I'm worried about my feet, right? I'm worried about night after night being old. So these biscuits,

we got these biscuits. Now this is a, this is a biscuit. Is this your show shoe? This is a biscuit. Is that your show shoe is a biscuit is that your show shoe yes but look did you stone that eden did so it went from drab to fab like that's pretty stunning are you changing shoes in this shop i'm so i'm still not sure because they're listening all all's fun again it's all fun and games until you get on there the third night. And you're like, fuck. Mary, I'm actually serving a three-inch lady bunny with an ankle strap.

And I don't feel bad about it. What do you think this is? What do you think this is, Mary? Three inches. I'm going to measure it. Well, that's what Kennedy wears. That's what Kennedy wears. Yeah. She does front walkovers and fucking backflips mary this is oh

three inches work girl i'm sorry but you know what else on these big stages they can't fucking see my feet anyway no and they i'm more i'm more worried about what's happening from the knees up you know what i mean yes and with costume changes hair off the shoulders yeah and shoes that don't cripple you backstage yeah or cripple you period then you have to cancel yeah you can't be in spikes and by the way backstage is blackout dark and you're in spikes like i think of how many times i've walked off stage actually blind because of the spotlight yeah and like stumbling in heels i mean like what am i doing or if there's a crack in the if there's like a crack in the um any in those all these old theaters yeah yeah i always i had somebody's as thin as me i could just fall right in right in Looking for a path to accelerate your career?

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I was like, oh, that'd be great for my sexy number. I'm like, yeah, real sexy until I just break both my ankles. But you know what though? It's a boot. A boot will help if you break it. Like, oh my God. Vanderpump just broke her leg in four places. She fell off a horse.

She went over the front of her horse and broke her leg in four places. Yes. I found a butter. I found a butter in the news. And she called me. And yeah, she had to have surgery, emergency. She had to have a doctor who's normally a sports doctor. No. Multiple magic pins and needles and springs.

Girl, she's go-go gadget. Steel. She's in bed for – Steel pick well. It's going to take a long time for everything to heal. Girl, she's go-go gadget. Steel. She's in bed for... Steel pick well. It's going to take a long time for everything to heal. Oh, that's... Horseback riding is dangerous. Mama, let me tell you about this.

Let me tell you about this. I just had a conversation with this guy in the car about this. What we're not doing in 2022. Riding horses or going skiing? No. It's too much. No. Natasha Richardson, Sonny Bon bono gaspar uriel dead

because kenworthy should be dead yeah but yeah that's extreme sports though so that's a bit different they have a license to kill i i just don't mama who's going skiing like you on your bunny hop could die yes and worthy rocketing off cliffs but he he knows that. That's the thrill. He wills for it. He wants it. It's not just some rich person who's like, I just get it. Mama, no. It's so scary and dangerous and rotten and awful.

You know what, though? We should commit to this. And I'm sure you're more positive than I am in a lot of ways. HIV, darling. We should try to enjoy this process because I found with the motel, now that we're done renovating, I stressed the whole time. And therefore, I did not – I wish I would have enjoyed a little more of it. So I hope on this tour, this rehearsal process, I hope I don't just go home every night wanting to shoot myself in the face because these rehearsals wear me out, bitch. They wear me out, bitch.

Psychological wear out. Yeah. I mean, for me, it's going to be physical because like, so for example, I'll do it. I'll do a day at the gym and that's one-on-one training. So it's not a lot of waiting around, you know, it's a full hour of activity with, with, with a maximum 90 second breaks. And like, I leave there hobbled mostly.

And I'm like, fuck, I hope, I hope I'm like in shape to do this. You know what I mean? Um, so let me get me started. I've been,

I've been trying, I'm back on the horse with my running and then I got sick. And so I spent about a week and a half in bed doing nothing but eating. Now I'm like, cool, really cool. I Now I'm like, cool. Really cool. I think this is all really cool. There's a lot. I'm not wearing a steel bone corset on this tour.

Oh, I can't. That's what I was talking to Jason about. I don't want to either. It's not worth it. Like for Violet, that's a different thing because she serves a silhouette and it's a spectacle of a particular kind. I will be so fucking miserable. Oh, yeah, yeah, but we're dead.

She died. And she's, yeah, she's no longer with us. Yeah. You know, but I just, I mean, build up the shoulder, build up the hip, put me in a big wig. I can't do that. I can't do the corset. I can't. Dancing in a corset, we're not doing that. i can't do the corset i can't dancing in a corset we're not doing that i'm not and you know girl laganja's gonna have us doing fucking

body it's gonna be body rolls yeah yeah yeah because you know what else i had to explain to her she was like you know and this then you're snap snap i'm like laganja i can't do that i can't i have four four wigs on and like snap my head around. That doesn't happen. You're going to break your neck. And she's in like a flat, like a thing with bundles. Naked. Oh, naked. Flipping. She's like, what do you need?

I'm like, girl, I can't do all that. I know. Even to add in though to injury, when I coerced it at respiratory, like critical respiratory failure, I still look like i have a 30 inch waist so it's like not even worth it it's not even worth it mary we are still going to look amazing though it's tough though you know huh right but like when i was 25 doing like the group tours drunk lip syncing every night i I'm not there anymore. That's not the situation.

I know. I used to do, I used to do actual like flip flops on stage, backflips and stuff. I was like, I'm not. Do you realize we are touring until December? Oh, I know it. Do you even process that? No, I have, I just say I have a, I have a two, two, two thing. I got two minutes, two hours and two weeks. That's about it.

That's like luckily because of you, I think, I think it's only three shows a week, right? No, no, no, no. There's about four. Maybe. I don't think there's more than five though. When I tour, I do five. And I think with you, it's four, which is probably gonna be a little easier. I, you know, I learned on my tour that I erred on the side of caution

because I didn't want to go insane and become a cracky and just go in the woods, you know? But I found that we underplayed it, which ended up being boring. And that ended up – Girl, it becomes a waste of money. Well, it is a waste of money. Every day you're on touring wastes money. It is a waste of money.

However, there is a point where it gets into okay we're making money but we're all miserable and we're sick and like a three-day show a set of three days three days in a row that first show you're like yeah there was a point in montreal it was a great show when i was in the dressing room i was like i'd pay fifty thousand dollars not to do this show i was so tired i was so my body hurt it was like i don't mean to do anything i came to that show no no montreal that was no montreal you didn't come to montreal you came to ottawa or something like that and you were in canada but not montreal um right right well yeah one time i walked into the band's dressing room and i said knock knock, knock, knock. And they're standing there in all their suits with their instruments on. And I go, is this show The Move tonight? Is it really The Move?

I love that. And they were like, it's The Move. And I was like, are you – Is it the show? Something. Something to see about that. You know, I did see a Bennigan's down the street. And they're open till 11.

So I – Yeah. What is it psychologically that like there's something about performing i desperately love the gig i want the gig i thrive for the gig and then the day of the gig comes and i'm like oh god it's yeah it's kind of diabolical it's diabolical but you know what though every performer feels like that i think and if they don't feel like that once in a while they're lying yeah i mean that i do trust myself to get once it starts i'm living but like 3 p.m when it's time to shave

sometimes it's like there was we had this thing in jocks uh back in the day this is of course before any of us were famous or nobody nobody liked us or wanted to see us you know they just wanted to have their bachelor party but me and chris kenevil the show hosts would call it the 3 p.m and it was the three o'clock anxiety where you have like from three to four is when you really need to start thinking about getting in the shower and getting ready and it was just this hour of like churning like and then for me it was like do i call out do i not call out she didn't have that luxury but it was like it was just like and of course this is very different i never wanted to do that show that much because they didn't you know this is it's funny how much like you know what was worse though when you're

in a tour where the show is the same every night yeah you don't think about the show during the day but when you're a drag queen and you have to pick out your numbers through the day, you're like, should I do this? Yeah, no, I'm going to do this. Yeah. Or like 6 PM. You're like, I'll finally burn my CD. Oh my God. Wait. I had, I had a nightmare the other night that I was hosting my old show and I didn't do the lineup in the, in the Overshare started. And I didn't collect anybody's CDs. I didn't write down the lineup.

And it was like, I was trying to communicate with the DJ moments before everybody was going on. It was like played out in real time. I woke up sweating. It was horrible. It's horrible. That's a very like real.

Yeah. Have you had the dreams on tour where you're late, where you taken up and you miss the show? Do you ever, have you done that? No.

I've had dreams miss the show. Do you ever – have you done that? No. It's horrible. I've had dreams that the show is starting and I have to like put on a lip and a lash. Yes. And just hope for the – like – Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have time to do anything but like a wig. And I'm so humiliated. I also have a recurring dream that the stage is like a trampoline.

And every time I walk out there, I bounce high in the air and fall down. Oh, I love that. And then I'm like, no, wait, the show. Boom. And like, fly away. And I'm like trying to stand up. But every time I touch my feet on the ground, I fly in the air. You can't do stand-up comedy.

This is such a relief. Because I'm flying through the air. I love it. I've also had dreams of – there's all performance related things. You know what I mean? Everybody talks about the excitement of opening night. Oh. The real show is the second night.

The real show is the 12th night. Sorry. It's the 12th. No, like once you get the first one out of the way and the second night you actually can focus and then you give your kind of good performance. Yeah. The first night of every show,

I swear to God, I black out until it's over. Yeah. Because when we did, when we did Romy and Michelle the first time, I remember the curtain opened, whatever. It was you and I facing away from the audience looking at a clothing rack. And I remember seeing you on the peripherals. And the lights came up and people were cheering because they're gay and we're gay. Then I think the first line is like

what are we it's like what are we gonna wear tonight and i'm just like do we run do we run off the stage do we get the fuck out of here every time like a brand new show starts like that beforehand i'm always like vile to myself before curtain i'm like you fucking idiot you're about to go out there i'm gonna do a show do you have the amount of the the level of electricity in my gut that will be present during opening night edition you have no idea i will need a horse tranquilizer for lunch like i it's gonna be and and on one hand it's easier because we'll be together no like no we can count it but on the other hand the stakes are higher because if i can't go on my own journey no and i can't go on your own because i i can do that which i've i've done that and i can do that but and this is like yeah yeah but yeah the monologue i have before Curtain is always so mean to myself. Like, you're a fucking idiot.

This is so stupid. You don't even know your fucking, you don't know your lyrics. They don't even like you. Like, it goes, it gets so dark. But thank God you have a partner who is always so reliable, so on top of it, always prepared. I do. Who are they?

You know what? I will say. She's right there. No, because it's you. You've never let me down. That is not true. I will. Wait, what'd you say?

I almost just said, no, you've never let me down. That is not true. There's a documentary about that. No, there was, I remember the week of Romy and Michelle. And it was like, and for Peaches shows, you have two days to learn. Cram. It's cramming. Yeah.

We're not going through that this time. No, my money. At least a good two and a half weeks. No, no, no. That's the thing about Peaches, which is a bittersweet. I loved when I did Spice Racks with her. I fucking loved that. We didn't have enough time.

And then you only do it twice. It's a huge high. It's static high. Yeah. It's so magical. You know what? If it makes you feel better, my mom who's diabetic,

who was here last week, was telling me that her doctor was happy that her A01C levels are better. That doesn't make me happy. I want your mom dead. I know. Oh my God. Don't even get me happy. I want your mom dead. I know. Oh my God. Don't even get me started.

When I got COVID and couldn't go to my own party, my mom goes, well, how long do I have to stay? And I said, oh, I'm sorry. Do you have other things going on?

Holy shit. She's a hero. How long do I have to stay? Oh my God. And then she goes, and then I wake up with COVID. I'm telling her, I'm like,

oh, what's going to happen at the party? She goes, well, I hate to tell you, my God. And then she goes, and then I wake up with COVID. I'm telling her, I'm like, Oh, what's going to happen to the party? She goes, well, I hate to tell you, but it's almost noon here and no one's fed me. So I need you to figure out. I'm like,

so you want me to come to your room with COVID and give you food? God, Val. She is so funny. And then she goes, and I didn't have time to go to a Walgreens or nothing. So I didn't get to pick up any nails. Cause she does press on now.

And then she brought makeup. we're going on camera she brought a bag of makeup and she's like she's like has all this makeup that all perfectly matches her that I gave her and she's like I don't know how to put any of it on so I'm in full drag and I'm like trying to put makeup on her and then they're putting a microphone on her and I'm like, oh my God. And then we bring her in the motel. She's just like, I mean, it's, you've seen the motel. It's Florida ceiling face melting. She's like, wow. Like, she's just like, cool.

Oh yeah. Just one floor. She's just like, oh, okay. Like, that's it. But she loved the Margaritaville But she loved the Margaritaville. She loved the Margaritaville. My motel? Girl.

Who cares? What were we talking about? We were talking about mung diving. No, sorry, everybody. We're trying to figure out our new program that we use to record remotely. Although, I don't understand why on tour, when we're in the same building together every day, this is better. Can I – wait, let me just interrupt you for a fashion moment okay sure i i these slacks okay i did um some slacks i did this shiny fabric and then

of course i did a closure so i did a zipper flying zipper zip them up and then we're going to close it and then we're going to snap it oops let's just close it there and then snap it and then we're going to snap it. Oops, let's just close it there and then snap it. And then that's nice. Do you have a much skinnier front than those are supposed to fit? Are you going to use that as a hammock? No, it's forward thinking. You know, once my weight watchers are... We were talking about hating ourselves and touring.

Are we talking about our shoes? We were talking about... Oh, it'll be a fun little... By the way, let's just tell everyone, due to the COVID thing, you and I are bubble boy on this tour. Yeah, and I'm a little concerned about this. We will not be able to go to restaurants, gyms,

bars. We'll be on... If we go to Boston, our friends can't... Boston and Milwaukee, our friends can't, Boston and Milwaukee, our friends can't come backstage. I mean, it's, it's bubble boy. Oh my God. It's bubble boy.

Because of that, friends and listeners at home, if one of us got COVID, which I guess won't be me now for a few months. Should I come over and kiss you? Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you now?

As long as we film it and put on the OF because you know, the young girls will love it. I'll wear that mask and you wear the other one I got and we'll really get it popping. Turn off hesitation.

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Honey. So can you hear me? Yes. Do you remember when that person read erotic fan fiction i sure fucking do and i wish that hadn't happened but you know what that wish does not kill us makes us stronger no can't get pride but go ahead and read read porn to people against their will and i know my skin's a little gray but i feel like i don't know what do you think

the vivian what do you think lipstick okay i'm just gonna do that so I'm just going to do red. Oh my god. Roxanne. It also gives Roxanne. Roxanne's older brother, Rocky. It gives so many people

that we know. The color and the way it meets your eyes is a little night of the living dead. A little sunken. I got a, um, just, you know, it's a long day. And, um,

hard to tell where my lips start, but, uh, oh, that's my nostril. There we go. Uh, yeah. And then, uh, I think I need a larger brush, honey. This is an Alexa Stone prosthetic.

The cheeks. You know, it's by Immortal Mask. These guys are great. Is it green? Are you colorblind, honey? This is tan. Yeah, no, it is kind of greenish. Is it supposed to be human color?

It kind of gives Michael Jackson thriller too with like the cheeks popping out. Uh-huh. Or just Beverly Hills. Wow. Are you going to the Queerty Awards on March 1st? With this. I wish.

I would if I I would if I wouldn't sweat off my body weight. because like it's pretty cool here in a second i'll be like drenched i need to lose weight before tour maybe i need to start wearing that full pussy suit did you see the picture of jimbo in the pool with the straight people mary yeah it's so funny so funny i want to ask him i don't have his phone number i want to talk to him though because i want to see how much like what his level of discomfort is in those suits because

they're so prohibitively uncomfortable are you getting hard? are you getting hard right now? hard of hearing, I'm kind of tuning this out no I think it's probably so uncomfortable but then you get

a little drunk and it's fine. That's tea. If you get a little drunk, I'm sure it's fine. That's a great point. I need to start drinking again. Because I remember back in the day, I won't say who it was, but it was one of our sisters. I remember she had this headpiece on, and it was pinned to her head, and it was so heavy that she did so much cocaine that the next day she had a big bald spot from all the hair ripping out and she didn't feel it because of drugs that's mom and that's drugs honey thank god for drugs yeah um sally jessie i've never oh you look like bagga

bagga on the bus in the morning I'm right, I'm right I love my hips um see when people say no kink at Pride this is what they're talking about they don't want to see this you look so crazy I know, that one though is the ticket

because it has that incredible neck and decolletage and it's just if Eden can't see she is legitimately frightened by it andolletage and it's just if eden can't she is legitimately frightened by it and i get it it's scary well does she fear but i think she's just so young she hasn't seen an old person in a long time yeah it's it's pretty scary because when i put it on i feel myself um speaking of feeling ourselves not to bring it back to tour but it seems like that's what we're talking about do you realize that we're traveling with two tour buses and we each have our own bus?

It feels a little decadent, but you know what? It's not when you consider all the airport shenanigans and the huge cast of people we're traveling with. When you consider the fact that we're probably traveling with 20 people, each bus with 10 people on it, it's not glam. Plus, I don't know about you, but oh my god. Ooh, I hate when it comes off. on it it's not glam plus I don't know about you but oh my god ooh I hate when it comes off ooh it's weird ooh I hated that sound yeah

oh my god that's my sleep paralysis demon people love to say that on the internet. It's green. She's a little sickly. Gay and green. Do you like prison shows? No.

I hate... No, I can't watch prison shows. I don't like anything about prison, real, imagined, or... I just... No. I like to I don't, I know I can't watch prison. So I don't like anything about prison real imagined or, or, you know, I just, no, I think I like to watch prison shows, but prison shows give me nightmares about being in prison. Of course. Imagine people who wake up being like, I just did another six months in state. You know what I mean? Like every, every time I go to sleep, I'm like,

there was a quotation. I forget by whom. Like that was like, uh, if you want to know this, the degree of civility or the degree of humanity of a civilization visit their prison. Wow. It was like, damn, shit. Go to DragCon. No.

Well, oh, I was going to say, the meet and greet. So because we have to do the boy in the bubble meet and greet stuff, I was going to say the meet and greet. So because we have to do the boy in the bubble meet and greet stuff, I was like, well, okay. When we do it together, it's tough. Any queen who does like a two or three person meet and greet, it's always a little awkward. It's that you can't kind of control it.

There's not a natural flow. I actually really enjoy doing meet and greets by myself. Because it's just another form of entertainment and it's fun. And people, you say they love you and sometimes you get cool gifts and stuff but um the i i'm just worried about that like the no touching i love to touch people and hug them and like i don't know i am fine with it no i, but I just want them to have something that they enjoy. I hope the photos, the photos I'm sure will be great. But like, I don't hate touching.

I, in drag, I just, I don't feel touchable. Oh, and you're not, you're not. I don't hate human contact. I just don't feel handleable. I'd actually rather just not be touched and right yeah it's like i'm a sculpture i'm wet paint don't mess it up right like i get that i'm a woman i'm

a girl i'm just a regular girl i'm barbara cindy brady or you know whatever um barbara cindy brady barbara cindy brady and leslie from down the street i love to touch people it's gonna be fine people in my regular life i don't well with this many dates and this big of venues and all these people who make money off us if you got covid and we had to shut down for a week and a half we the tour tour hemorrhages hundreds of thousands of dollars oh i i know i'm not saying the money we take home i'm saying like the great number of like, we lose so much money so fast if one of us is sick.

I know, it's a big, it's risky. It's risky business with Tom Cruise. Do you think we'll ever tour again after this? I keep thinking it's the last hurrah, but then I think at the end of the tour, I'll be like, I'm sad it's over. I want, you know. Well, you know, I'm always like oh god here we go

the Bjork show made me want to go on tour I mean because it was like it was magic it was live magic and I was like oh you know so it's like that reinvigorated me but yeah I don't know I guess we'll find out I mean there's certain things that we do that I know I don't want to do again I just finished my second my this is my fourth fifth record i don't know and every time i finish a record i go this is the last one so i think maybe it's part of the creative process it's like when you feel like you've completed a phrase you're like that's done and also it's a huge luxury of an artistic life that has a very high degree of security and success you know like when you're

struggling with the with the anxiety of maybe this is the last one because no one will buy the next one you know like that we're independent artists there's no one covering for us so if people in fact didn't buy tickets to this tour we would lose a lot of money of course or we wouldn't have the tour you know that wouldn't happen yeah that's a huge it's a huge huge luxury to be able to like i think this might be the last one not out of necessity or pride or whatever you know of just choice it looks like my mouth is bleeding maybe it is are you getting another fill are you getting another pump before tour no i've done i'm done nobody's ever done though no no No, no, I am.

It's a swinging saloon door. No, I'm acutely aware of that fact. And I know as I say it, it's not a thing that people will believe, but my barometer is just my family. When I see them go like that, I know I've crossed the bridge. Have they done that yet? Not yet, but I've given them pause.

But they're the type of people that go, too nice. Are you eating a sandwich? No, you're just sitting there. Are those two gummy worms? Well, there is that lip that is, I think people know, where your real lip ends,

and then when you turn, it's that gummy worm under the skin. The wet flesh underneath begins to dry out. Yeah. I'm not there yet. That's a little crazy. At the end of this tour, I'm getting a lower facelift, a nose job, lipo, probably half my feet cut off, my fingers lengthened. I'm getting stuff done. I'm going to document it.

I'm going to put my YouTube channel. I'm going to monetize the videos. Yeah. I'm getting a self-reno. Yeah. You're going to swan yourself. I just, so I met,

oh, I went to Queen of the Universe season two, like, you're like, like Marilyn Hack. Like Marilyn Hack, you know, for your consideration. um you know when

people are into fitness and they have those parachutes that they have a parachute running behind them are you serious you know when people go for runs with a parachute on their back so it like holds it like makes it harder it was like a joke no it's like a real thing i'm gonna have that but like connect the skin so i'm Queen of the Universe, I will be like just so snatched up. I'll be operated like a puppet. The four, you know, those

star folding chairs that say Trixie's skin. Yes. They announced Queen of the Universe season two. Are you doing it? I don't know. I found out there's another season, but I haven't been asked.

So I don't know. That doesn't bode well. I want to tell you about my party. Okay. What happened? I don't usually go to parties because i like to stay home say that but you do you go out and you tippy toe you don't stay long that's the ticket mama and let me tell you about the decisions and you don't even go inside you go into you smoke outside and you take one lap well no i i expanded no, I expanded my repertoire at this party. So went early.

This is the key. We went early. And one of my friends was the very first person admitted. I don't think that's, a lot of people say, oh, that's uncool. I don't think that's uncool. I think that's fantastic. So we got there really early.

Lovely little party called Verse something. The people that do Osbon Hoff or whatever. I don't know. But gay, queer, not just a circuit party it was like a cool fun thing downtown and then we get there i'm where my go with like the porn people yeah i'm wearing my friar tuck uh pete was there um i got my friar tuck and i got my little black eye and um and i made a i made this cool little blouse and i was feeling myself and um jamming bopping getting it on how was the music it was fun it was like it was good i just it it made me realize that one of the reasons i don't go out is because i listen to music that

nobody plays anywhere and that i really love like if they had played, you know, a Euro Russian song, you know, like a danceable Russian song or something I knew, I would have jizzed. I would have told everybody. Yeah. Yeah,

but they don't play that music They play like really nasty, dark, like. Yeah, see, I love, I would love that.

I got to find that. I know there's some good goth industrial nights here, but I just don't know where they are. I went to some house, like some, some good Goth industrial nights here, but I just don't know where they are. I went to some house, some underground-y parties when I was in Berlin. I heard like...

It was some of the first times I noticed I liked the house music. Yeah, there's some wet sludge. I was like, I like this. Yeah, because it's visceral. And there was one moment where I was like, I was very close to the speaker. The bass was rattling my old bones. And I was like...

It was great. It was fun. But I noticed that people to the speaker. The bass was rattling my old bones. And I was like, it was great. It was fun. But I noticed that people were really nice. People were really nice there. Like, and it was, for the most part, I did a lot of observing. And I was like, this is a really good vibe. Of course, many people are on drugs.

But like, it was a good vibe. It was a really friendly, nice vibe. No, no, no, not to me. And that's the other thing. Oh, many people didn't recognize me. They said, Katya? No. A lot of people didn't recognize me, and we chit-chatted as regular people.

They thought you were John Malkovich. I know. They say, there's this really friendly old bald AIDS patient smoking out there. You should go talk to him. No, but it was really a cute vibe. friendly old bald aids patient smoking out there you should go talk to him no but um there was it was really like cute vibe but i so i was um i was uh at the pre-party at andrew's i met this guy that i didn't know and we were chatting all night and he was a fan but uh chatting all night super cute and then i realized like an hour and a half into our like hanging out that i jerked off to him many many times many many many

times we had different hair um and did you say anything i did yes i i certainly because he we exchanged numbers or um and when he put his thing in i was because he gave me his not stage name right and then he mentioned his name to somebody else and i was like and i was like oh my god it was like a big aha moment my oprah aha moment and i said totally jerked off to you no i said i was like oh my god we were at i hadn't just met him so we were very you know familiar and i was like oh my god i can't believe this i i'm very familiar with all your videos i've jerked off to you many times i'm a big fan that's what i said i was just like yeah i showed him my teeny little i love your videos yeah yeah well i think a little bit very cute way of saying I jerk off to you.

Well, because you're not, I love studying them. You're not showing them to, you know, you're, what are you doing when you're also not watching the whole video? So I'm also like a liar. Do you know what I mean? Oh, really? It's not a movie. I'm not like no scrubbing. I sit quietly. I, there's a genre of pornography that I don't particularly partake in, but I know about through the grapevine. That is like medical pornography, medical examination, where so much of it is not naked. Oh, it's lead up. It's the lead up. It's like the, how have you been sleeping?

Are you drinking water? Drugs? It's like lead up. It's the lead up. It's like the – how have you been sleeping? Are you drinking water? Drugs? It's like an actual exam. And then – 20 minutes. Nobody gets jerked off. Wait, what? No, like they get their dick touched and maybe like – it's like figure out the buff, but like is that okay?

It's like doing sex things but in the guise of medicine, but everybody is earnestly doing medicine. And then no one comes and that's it. Are you sure that's not the Discovery Channel? No, people also watch massage porn where it's an actual massage. No funny business. I'm just saying people have all different vibes,

energies, colors, and experiences and journeys and desires. But you know what i i love your videos it's a great thing to say yeah by the way now that texas chainsaw massacre is out people don't seem to like it but i thought it was good well here's the thing here's the thing i don't think it's good but because texas chains the massacre i did a lot of research recently when i was up i was watching clips the original has never been the success of the original was that it was so gritty um uh gruesome and and and like there was a quality to it that i feel like that people critics have said that has never really been reproduced um a grainy gritty like

very just like uh i don't know how to describe they use better words than i can but this one is like i think that cancel the do something and cancel me on the bus thing that was a big flub with the um the script remember that moment with the guy where he rips by everybody in the bus through periscope or whatever instagram i'm like can we just not remember periscope yeah i do yeah i sure do periscope was a flash in the pan yeah it was actually well because what uh instagram just co-opted it instagram live came through and instagram live also came through with reels which is tick tock instagram doesn't give a no that's facebook facebook don't give a no that's facebook facebook don't give a can i say this too i think that instagram is a little homophobic of

course because it's related to facebook which is absolutely homophobic however every time one of my gay friends is like um this this platform is homophobic they they blocked me for posting a picture and i'm like show me the picture and it's literally everything inside their intestines yeah yeah yeah yeah and i'm like okay but this is porn this is yeah i mean i love porn and i i'm not offended by it but you have to have known that this was dicey yeah for instagram shocked by that yeah like i was just spreading my outer labia yeah and then i feel bad because some of them are go-go dancers and then they have to start their accounts from zero which affects their money because some of them get booked based on their followings i feel bad but yeah i'm like you gotta know that that was a little rolling the dice

there when you were like ah fuck me daddy you know what i mean when you when you set up your little um your shop on somebody's lawn yeah yeah exactly they can kick you off you know so god you know what can i can i just i know we have to go but can i tell you one thing that i did this week that i'm not saying i'm i'm not even not proud of it i'm actually ashamed that i'm not ashamed of it i was in bed i've been in bed sick for you know six days and the walls are starting to sort of melt into the ghosts of my past and i just have to just do something and i'm not like i'm sick of watching tv after about 40 episodes of bar rescue i'm like i need to switch it up um i saw the caitlin jenner ad for clawy clawy

clawy is a phone game where you have a live feed of a real claw machine and you control it with your phone and you can win real prizes. And when you win, they get shipped to your house. And I thought, I love crawl machines. I love arcades in general. I love David Buster's. I love winning prizes. Ski ball. Go on the ground.

Work. But the Caitlyn Jenner ad was comedic because she's like i want to win prizes for my granddaughter or whatever and i'm like i don't believe it but whatever um so i download the app i decided to fuck around and find out i play a couple rounds do you know how much real money i spent in the claw game you have to spend money yeah you have to buy coins like a real arcade to play because if you win the prizes they get shipped to your house oh duh right let me show you some of my prizes i had a blast let me just say i had a really good time and i don't regret anything um look at a bunch of my prizes i won all of those in bed the other day so are they

stuffed animals oh yeah they're, they're stuffed animals. I'm going to ship them to my friends and family. I don't necessarily want them. But I had so much fun winning them. Okay. Here's a fun clip of me. That's me playing from my phone.

Watch me just go fucking win one of these toys. Boom. Get into that. And i won so many i won so many and it just i'm not kidding eight hours went by i was like oh mary i believe it oh my god i believe it's like where am i how much money did i spend? I mean, I'm thrilled. I had so much fun. I had so much fun. But you know what, though? I love arcades. I'll go to Dave & Buster's and, like, I don't know if you know this about me. Arcades are his...

When? When I go on tour, I take Ubers to the suburbs and I go to the Dave & Buster's during the day by myself. Oh, that's weird. But no, arcades are a blast. I love arcades. They're a blast. There's way worse things to spend your money on.

Games, enjoyment, whatever. Watch out the kids though. Watch out. People get snatched at the arcades because it's loud

and you can, you know, people get snatched. Yeah. Perfect place to snatch. Nobody's going to think I'm a kid. No,

I'm just saying kids. If any kid is listening, be careful. Oh, because I'm in a snatching. You know, they're like, oh,

I'm going to the arcade. A parent thinks, okay, yeah, sure. Mom, if I was into snatching kids, the Big Game Busters would be my first beat. Girl, I hate kids, but if I had one, they would be – I'd be overprotective, I think. Yeah, I think you would.

I'd be like – she's 16 years old and I'm driving the date. You know what I mean? I'd pick them up. I'd be her when she's on the date with them. on it. I'm driving the date. You know what I mean? I'm marrying him up. I tell you, I'd be her when she's on the date with them. And she, the mom goes, you two fuck yet.

You'd be in the backseat with the oxygen mask and the parrot and everything. A hundred percent. I'd be the parrot on her shoulder. Circus clock. Yeah. You know what though? My kids would also be like, my would be on on prep on birth control i don't live in illusion like i know you're having sex yeah here are the tools here's the

eunuchs eunuchs if you're gonna drink can you call me so i can give you a ride like i would be the cool mom yeah i'd be that why be the church mom because my kid would be a eunuch testes are off he's going in the choir and he's going to sing that beautiful soprano. Oh, say can you see. I was watching that movie with Bane, Dark Knight Rises. What did you think of his voice? You do a very good impression of that. What did you think of that?

Were you gassed at the ending? Spoiler, Marion Cotillard is the enemy. I wasn't gagged because I was like, that's Joey King, who's a girl. The child actress is Joey King, who's from the act. Oh. So I was like, okay, I don't think that's Bane. I don't think this high-budget movie would be like,

ah, we'll just go with a girl. I think they'd probably get a boy to play the boy. I was gagged that that woman was part of the League of Shadows. Is that what it is? I also kind of feel like, is Batman a shithead for learning all this stuff from the League of Shadows and then fucking their shit up and leaving? That's what he does in the first movie.

I think Batman is kind of, I'm not, I don't know. Rachel Holmes? Is that her name? Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes. Is then Maggie Gyllenhaal? Yes. And then in the third movie,

that character's dead. Yes. And they show a picture of her. It's Maggie Gyllenhaal. I'm like, well, you could have just picked another person. At this point, who fucking cares?

I think Maggie Gyllenhaal ate and Katie Holmes just nibbled. I think they were both... I think Maggie Gyllenhaal ate and Katie Holmes just nibbled. I think they were both not interchangeable, but good. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal was great. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal did a great job. I mean, Maggie gives it to you every ball. You ever see Secretary? Yeah, she does. She's a great actor.

Did you see The Lost Daughter? She just directed that, I guess. No. Who do you think? Have you watched any of the movies that are now nominated for academy awards no okay girl i never liked those type of movies i just watched parasite like this i we cannot have this conversation we cannot this is literally what i did because you are that you're the you're the one you're the enemy because you are the enemy that's why you love it literally years after parasite is the movie to see

i'm like it takes covid four years later for you to be like i'm gonna watch it yeah i thought it was gonna be scary so i was ready to watch a horror movie. And then nothing happened. It's called Parasite. On the cover, they're all like this. It's a metaphor, Rose. Some parts of it did make me laugh, for sure. I saw it in the theater. I had no idea what it was about. I knew.

I heard the buzz. I just went. I was riveted. I had no idea what was coming next. Everything was so surprising. I'll say that. I didn't know what was coming next. Everything was so surprising. I'll say that. I didn't know what was coming next. It was riveting, devastating, thrilling, terrifying, funny.

I mean, Mary, give it. Bong Joon-ho, nobody's doing it like him. Well, you know how some people are like, oh, I love bad movies. But they don't. They're just trying to be like, cool. I accidentally see bad movies. And I don't go, oh, good. It's bad. I love it. I go, it's terrible. don't go, oh, good. It's bad.

I love it. I go, it's terrible. And I go, that was amazing. To me, whenever they're good or whenever they're really bad, my brain, I'm always like, that was so good. And then I'll go read a review of it. And it's like, this movie was universally panned in a box office flop. And I'm like, Jawbreaker has a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes.

What? I watched that movie every time, like, I should watch that. Suicide Squad 1, I was like, this is great. And David was like,

everyone hated that movie. I was like, they did? I didn't see it though. So I think some people are like, bad movies are fun because they're bad. I think they're good. I think that they're really good. And then if I go and then i'm so great to be working with you in this

but i used to be like no i just like different things but now i'm like i i do like i guess my taste level is actually bad for movies i think yeah i used to like i used to be like a um like when i was in college i would always go to this um the independent theater with all the foreign movies i never saw any blockbusters i was a snob huge snob and always like very like hoity-toity nowadays i am i feel like my taste level is refined and i'm also my attention span is is um very easily tested so i'm quick to say that was fucking boring sorry about it boring because some of these movies really try it they really try it this power of the dog girl it gets so long and these these directors

it gets so masturbatory where it's just long and dry it turns into a french novel yes no it turns out yeah and it was like i'm like you it's gorgeous like the green knight i mean every frame of the movie was stunning. Stunning. Could be printed out, put in the Louvre. Mary, that was 25 minutes too long. 25 minutes too long in that theater when I have to pee. Girl, House of fucking Gucci?

Oh, that's trash. House of fucking Gucci? Trash should be 90 minutes. 90 minutes should be 90 minutes. David's mom and sister live in this beautiful house here in palm springs and we're gonna go over for dinner and of course i you know i'm a fat pig from hell i go to i embarrass myself eating their eat them out of house and home every time i'm there i have like four drinks before dinner three plates of dinner two desserts afterward i'm like eating pops i'm like should we get postmates i'm just a fat punk and then but then we go

we sit down and we filmed 12 hours that day and David puts on House of Gucci and I go and we watch House of Gucci and I go

this is fucking crazy I hated that movie I hated that movie. I hated it. I don't want to watch it. Is that shit? I went into it with such low expectations that I thought, it'll surprise me. I'm going to have to eat shit and tell David

I loved it. And I was like, no. No. I can't say it sucks. No. Sorry, next. As Mario I can't say it sucks. No. I thought Jared Leto was great. Sorry, next. As Mario from

Ristorante. But Ms. Jared Leto brings it to you every ball. She brings her thing. Ms. Leto is not for me. She brings it to you. I think she brings it every ball. I think she brings a lot in her suitcase. And it's nothing that I would buy.

But I commend her on her efforts and her talent, for sure. That movie Morbius, I shan't be watching. The vampire movie? I don't know what it is. I don't want it. I think it's a vampire movie. Yeah, it's a Marvel-ish

whatever. Do you see The Eternals? Don't ever. It's called the eternals it doesn't sound like i'm gonna get out of there it feels like it yeah yeah yeah well well i think we've said our piece hey um by the time this comes out i think we'll be a week out from tour so please come see us oh my god please come see us and if you can't um if you can't find tickets either too we see us. And if you can't, if you can't find tickets, there are two, we're really sorry.

Like if you can't, sometimes you can't find tickets. Don't get scalped. No, you know, don't pay $3,000 for a ticket. No. We should do like a gift card or something. I was listening to Ali Wong's,

I was watching one of Ali Wong's specials the other day and I think it was the second one and she was talking about her rise to fame and she was like, pretty soon I was on tour and people were scalping my tickets up to $1,000. And I went, we literally have $3,000 tickets. And I hope no one buys it.

And I hope that scalper has to eat it. Me too. It ain't that deep. Make the scalper lose the money. Don't come. When I see an empty seat in the front row, I'm going to be happy that the audience didn't buy it. Yeah. Fuck that person.

And move someone up from the nosebleeds right there. take take a child away from their family put them in the front and keep a tape in there until after the show they can't lose they can't leave yeah all right well thanks y'all bye bye Bye.