The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Intoxicating Power of Desire for Our 100th Episode with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

On the brutal, kill-or-be-killed plains of the Serengeti, power is determined by sheer brute strength. It is measured by the breadth of one's chest, the size of one's claws, and the length of one's incisors. But in the stiflingly hot concrete jungle of Los Angeles, power is determined by the ability to sit down in very comfortable chairs, hold microphones, and talk about life's daily minutiae for approximately 45 to 60 minutes while glorious air conditioning washes over you like a cool salve for all that ails you. In this shockingly fearsome podcast arena, none are more dangerous than the world's most famously bald, gay ghouls: Trixie and Katya! Today's auditory ejaculation is our 100th episode, so bow down and worship at the altar of our auricular magnificence, you fools! Go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD60 and use code BALD60 to get 60% off plus free shipping on Green Chef, the #1 Meal Kit for Eating Well! Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Start your credit journey with Chime. Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score. Get started at Chime.com/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Learn more about BetterHelp online therapy and save 10% off your first month at https://www.BetterHelp.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple, I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir.

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We are back. Are we rolling? Well, we never know, do we? Mark. Mark. If that is even your name. Your real name. Oh, there we go.

More like Mark, a not recording. Say it again. David's slowly realizing how much my mind is a smattering of like vines and TikToks over the past 10 years. So the house is dead silent. Maybe I'm in the kitchen at 10 a.m. entering the dishwasher.

And I'm like, fuck right in the pussy. Yeah, shit like that, where I just talk to myself and he's like, what did you say? And I'm like, it's not for you. Yeah, I was insufferable in the studio yesterday. Insufferable. I'm sure I left to go to the gym. They were probably like, thank God. Cause all I would do is thanks a lot, bitch.

And then I would go, God, the sound effects from K and F W nympho wars, the 12 of them that they use every single day. They use incessantly over and over. Ah, so delicious. I mean, it's, it's just, it's at a loop. If you looked inside the brain, it's just It's At a loop If you looked inside the brain It's just a hamster wheel With those words

Just rolling around It's so crazy It's so delicious Me here in the studio alone Eating Green Chef And me going What about you being built Like the bus driver

To myself Yeah What about you being the bus Walking six feet Talking to my other self What about you being built Like the bus What was I doing the other day?

I was like, I do that. I think it's probably just from Nympho Wars. It's like, oh, peel. That's from Nympho Wars? It's an addition. It's a Tori Amos clip. Oh, yes. And so I played the Eden and Andrew.

They're not Tori Amos fans. They had no idea what it's from. I play the song this morning while I'm getting ready, and you called at the exact moment she said peel, so she couldn't hear it. Isn't that weird? That's psychic. No, I'm psychic.

I really, really am. Yesterday, David's friend Tom was over, a good friend of ours, and Tom was like, he was like, so, Brian. This is his voice. I'm just doing his voice. I love him. He knows I do his voice.'m just doing his voice i love him i love him he knows i do his voice okay oh he like three years ago he goes so i heard you have an impression of me

and i went you did like yeah it's this and then it was sort of like don't make me sing where i was like i don't want to do it tom but um he was like so i heard you're like a little psychic and i said i i sense your tone right now. And I can't get into this with you. Because the instances where I was psychic would blow your fucking mind. So we're not doing this. And your cynical ass not believing brain is not about to get blown right now. Yeah.

And then I said, okay, fine. And then I started telling all of the instances in order. And then he was like, God. Pretty much. Pretty much. Can I also say say this is my i don't know how to say this diplomatically because i love drinking and i love having a vodka and owning bars and getting drunk you love to get your turntina but i'm taking a little break for let's be honest vanity thinness

productivity listen any all great things Listen sometimes I feel like in drag You can't discontinue drinking Without like a A coming out party Yeah Or like an announcement Or something

And I don't want to say I'm quitting I'm saying me and drinking Are on a hiatus No no no You just say I don't see her right now I don't see her right now

I love her I didn't see her today I hope she's doing well Yes God bless her She's out of town God bless her Yeah

I still have her phone number And I will revisit her again. Yeah. I have her phone number. But I'm on a break right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We follow each other on MySpace. And I don't, and I just, I have been drinking at least a few, at least once or twice a week since I was probably 22, 23. Hold on. Hold the phone. Hold the phone a second. Once or twice a week since you were. About 10 years ago.

That's a long, that's a lot of drinking. Yeah. That's a lot of drinking. In drag world ago that's a long that's a lot of drinking yeah it's a lot of drinking in drag world that's drinking mama that's no that's human world that's a lot of drinking in a uh in a drag world that's like oh you eat lunch right exactly yeah so i've just taken a break because i was like wow i've been in nightlife and everything so long yeah how whenever i've ever taken like a long break? But also, yeah. I mean,

well, congratulations. Wonderful. Good luck. Oh, it's not, it's not a journey. I'm not bragging to my sober friend about how I quit drinking for three weeks.

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, because it's funny. I'm, it's interesting for me to hear because I'm the opposite. I've been on many journeys with every other type of substance besides alcohol, really.

Yeah. And I haven't had, I mean, I've gone years and years and years. Yeah. And I haven't had, I mean, I've gone years and years and years without drinking, but I want to ask you, Oh, you don't perform drunk. I don't ever drink.

So that's a big, that's a big hurdle not to have to jump over. Well, I've never performed drunk and I never, I don't even have a sip of wine before show ever. So professionally that's whatever. So how's it been? But I love to drink after shows. Yeah. I love to get on like the tour bus with a giant glass of white wine yeah um to

be honest it was the routine of like oh it's night time i'll have a drink after dinner or whatever that was hard to break at first where it was like oh this is the time of night where i usually have a drink or something right so what do you just do eat some some Cheerios? Skittles? No. It's either. A glass of water? Delicious potable water? I love a little bubbly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Starburst.

Yeah, yeah. Marijuana. Sugar. Yeah. The weeds. Something about marijuana too. A little puff puff of marijuana. You suddenly don't want to drink.

You don't care. No, you want to eat. You want to eat or you want to lay down and watch television. Think about stuff. You want to think about stuff. I love to play video games a little high, but. Let me ask you this though. What? I feel like this is the elephant in every room.

Alcohol tastes like the cat's ass. I don't think it does. Okay. Yeah. Straight vodka room temp. Do I want to sip it? No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't want to, you know.

But I think therein lies the artistry. Bartenders, mixologists, they take something that maybe isn't – it's not Sunny D, right? It's not automatically delicious. Sunny D is my reference to something delicious. I was going to say, that flavor palette is very suspicious now. Sunny D is disgusting. Capri Sun. But like –

Crystal Light. Bartenders and mixologists, they make those drinks great by not even. Real bartenders, they don't like cover the taste of the alcohol. No, they juggle the. They pair it with something that makes it make sense. Totally. They're like chefs for liquids. I mean, I would argue that like.

They're like scientists, really. They're on the moon. They're doing nasa and i will say my little side effects of not drinking include i am way less i've had way less fast food way less irresponsible eating yeah i get up a lot good decisions i get up a lot earlier i no hangover in three or four weeks clear head i don't think i've ever had no hangover for three weeks talk Talk about it. I mean, it's lovely. That's the thing that as you age. And so there's a fabulous, wonderful podcast by the Stanford Medical University professor,

Andrew Huberman, where he goes through the whole thing. He's a professor of neuroscience and neurobiology, whatever. Fabulous podcast where they break down alcohol. And they just put the kibosh on all these things like a glass of red wine blah blah alcohol is straight up a poison it's bad it's bad boots the house boots i love it yes no no no and i'm not saying it's like i love plenty of bad things no no i love it i love in gay world gay people drink i love the culture of drinking in gay world i love gay bars i love all of that yeah but it's also okay once in a while to pump the brakes but i will say the last few weeks me

declining drinks it's never fine it's always oh oh is everything okay yeah i'm like it's okay to wear a wig and discontinue drinking it doesn't mean that you are you need to be hospitalized do you know what i mean i just think it's funny when you're a drag queen you decline to drink people are like oh it's like no i'm just they're like i'm either doing a bit or you're about to go to the rehab or whatever yeah i'm like well can i have a glass of ice and a cbd gummy and i'm like okay yeah, where do I go? I mean, listen. So I'm pretty much Deepak Chopra now. I'm going to say Oprah Winfrey. I'd say Mother Teresa.

Yeah, Mother Teresa, Celine Dion, Princess Di. So it's been what, 13 days? 17 days. Well, New Year's was my big hurrah. I said, you know what? I'm working New Year's and I'm going to be done after this. I wonder what the, so I know people do the no nut November.

That's disgusting. This was not January related. No, I know. I know. It just happens to be. But you're like, now you're calling me a bandwagoner. No, I'm going to be done after this. I wonder what the, so I know people do the no nut November. That's disgusting. This was not January related. No, I know. I know. It just happens to be. But you're like, now you're calling me a bandwagoner.

No, I'm not. I'm calling you, I'm saying that you're playing against type by following the crowd. Got it. Okay. But no, this is a big,

I'm trying to make a segue into the gym. Sure. So like the, the resolution, that old, that old tired chestnut of like, okay, I'm going to quit drinking for a month or I'm going to quit smoking or go to the gym.

That stuff is real. People really do this in January. But it's also a good thing. No, no, of course it is. But I'm surprised. It's funny to make fun of where it's like, oh, the gym is full. It's January. All these porkers will be gone by March.

You know what I mean? I understand that mentality because that is what people think. And it is what happens. When a bunch of new people show up in January at the gym. There's a reason why gyms run promotions for New Year's. Yeah. I mean, gyms run promotion for holidays for that reason because they're like, don't you want to eat like an animal and keep the weight off?

I mean, I read a lot of fitness magazines and there's always articles about strategies about how to keep your physique up. Yeah. Let's say you're really into training, but you're like, well, I know I'm going to gain weight over Christmas. That's always a conversation being had in these health magazines. I don't understand why they don't talk about diet pills. They should talk more about, what is it?

Amphetamine? Amphetamine. That's the one that the- Yeah, it was outlawed. Because it's cracky, right? Well, pseudoephedrine is the precursor to meth. That's what they used to make that

that's what they used to do fed so fen fen is like that was back in the 90s when people were like popping those and they realized oh shit that's just speed jesse pinkman

walter white walter white but so by the way the color symbolism in that show yeah walter white he's so pure that he's corrupted

jesse pinkman pink is youth in that show his wife's name is Sky blue the crystal meth is blue all color symbolism second time I watched it

I was like oh this whole show is colors all of it the white lotus did you fuck with the white lotus never seen it

I told you I don't watch much I know I wish you would though because this is the one fascinating thing about the white lotus phenomenon was that it would though Because this is the one Fascinating thing about The White Lotus phenomenon Was that It seemed to me to be The one

One of the rare things That actually Bridged the whole gamut Of gayness Like Dolly Parton Yeah Kinda But you know like

Hardcore conservatives and gays Come together at the Dolly Parton Like the basics And the snobs Yes Came together for the White Lotus For the White Lotus And everything in between Like the hipsters The snobs came together for the White Lotus. And everything in between. Like the hipsters, the basics, the circus.

I mean, every type of gay came together. Now what is the White Lotus? The White Lotus is a limited series on HBO that had two seasons, both featuring Jennifer Coolidge. Why is it called that? It's a resort. Also, Mike White wrote it and directed it. Okay. It's a resort.

It's a fancy resort. The first one was in Hawaii. The second season is in. Okay. It's a resort. It's a fancy resort. The first one was in Hawaii. The second season is in Sicily. It's fabulous. Only six and seven episodes, respectively, each season. I gotta watch it.

I think you would live. I don't know if you would. I don't know if you're trying. Maybe I would. You gotta watch fucking Fleischman, bitch. I gotta watch that. Get in a Fleischman.

Okay. I'll find out. For Jesse, I'll watch it. You see him him fucking a lot of nude mama you see oh my god you see him fucking suck not sucking dick and cock but fucking women fucking pussies right on the pussy he's gorgeous he's lovely he's not gorgeous he is he is attractive i wouldn't say he's classically no he's not rock hudson no but in the in this series so he's a divorce doctor and he's he got married before the apps and say he's classically. No. He's not Rock Hudson. No, but in the series, so he's a divorced doctor and he got married before the apps. And so he's on the market now and he's discovering that now as an adult man in his probably early 40s as a doctor, he's desired and desirable.

And that's a new thing for him. Oh, like uncoupled. Remember when we watched that and they were like, what's Grindr? Oh my God. I'm old. I know. They're like, it's frozen in time. in time i think about that show a lot i think about that show as much as i think about sex in the shitty i mean um that in just like crap i think about uncoupled a lot i'm like who was this

for because old gay men they know about grinder though i think it was for old gay men weren't encino man they're not coming out of ice we don't We don't go to bed for 10 years in coffins. No. So I don't know what that was. But they did it for Sex and the City reboot. It was like these characters were thought out from the 90s. They were like, too much woke. My daughter's a boy.

Yeah. It's like, what? It's so weird. Whereas these people are tastemakers in their time. They would have adapted ahead of the curve. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like so bizarre. But you know what I what I like about the gym to go back to the gym. Yeah. What I i personally like about running is that it's not behind a paywall yeah many gyms trainers etc so many things are behind a paywall if you make more money your options to stay healthy are many yes you know i'm not saying that's a rule no no it's not a rule it is it is an unfortunate sort of feature but i think it also goes back it goes

even further back to like the way we think about fitness Right the fact that we compartmentalize it we it is that it is an act something separate Totally, you know, you don't access your body. You are your body. You are your body moving around is free Yes, in fact, it was not only free. It was it used to be required. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But like we're really told me he was like think about it you use your body every day to do work you rarely pause to work on your body yeah mind-blowing well we we're now in a situation where we have to say oh wait a minute i need to use my brain i need to like move my body because the the the structure of our life is so inhuman and non-animal that it's like,

we have to fit in these activities to keep our body husks from just rotting. Do you know what I mean? It's crazy. That is really the way that that makes perfect sense. It's wild. Like this guy, Ido Portal is like this, this movement,

like pioneer in it. He's like, I don't want a gym. I don't want equipment. Give me a corner of a room and I'll show you the best workout of your life. Cause it's just, it's just moving your body. And like, I was raised like equipment. Give me a corner of a room and I'll show you the best workout of your life. Cause it's just, it's just moving your body. And like I was raised like that.

So like, while I love a fancy gym, which I now go to, and a story about that, cause I saw the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life, naked two inches from me yesterday at the gym. Did you see me yesterday? I said,

man. Oh, I don't go to the ladies room. And wet nipples wait i was in so it i was in the changing room the women's it took you were you worked there you were cleaning the showers you were stopping to come up with a swiffer i was cleaning the toilets with my tongue yeah you know what i'd love to do You know those gyms that have lockers where you open them? Yes.

You know lockers? But you know the ones where they give you a key and it's not yours permanently? I would love to open and be in there and be like, well,

how about this one? So of course, I go into, when I arrive, empty locker room. I choose my locker, blah, blah, blah. When I go to change,

the two men have chosen the lockers to the left and right of mine so we're all in it together right we're all we're rubbing up against each other and i look up and i see quite literally like he make you know my my porn friends yes this guy makes them all look like kennel club dog rejects okay he is so it's like i was like i almost like choked a little bit you clenched i clenched not even clenched i like i seized oh wow i was like for just a few seconds no one that's the problem he plays himself wow yeah you know it's like joe manginello dog brad

pitt really yeah but it was particular to me like he was if i had to create the perfect man You know, it's like Joe Manganiello, dog. Brad Pitt, rotten. Yeah. But it was particular to me. Like he was, if I had to create the perfect man, this was it. What did he look like? He was about 5'10", dark eyes. No, he was like, he looked like maybe Italian or Middle Eastern, perhaps. He was like all of this. Chilean. Could have been.

I'm not sure. Dark hair. That kind of a muscular physique, 5'10", perfectly proportioned so that he looked like he was a bodybuilder maybe five years ago. And he's getting back to it the last couple years. So it's not like super cut, but it's very like, it's thick, it's juicy, it's muscular. He had a huge ass, a giant package in his pink panties. He had pink panties on? Not like girl ones, but they were briefs

and they were like this color. Do you think he recognized you? No, definitely not. I think he was straight. He was and it took my breath away. It took my breath away and he was so beautiful. Probably 28.

Good for him. Yeah Yeah Social security number was 016 I'm happier And did you like Did you leave him alone Oh of course So then after I seized up I got snapped to it

And I'm like Holy shit You went back to scrubbing the toilet Yeah I was like I tongued that bowl Yeah I got the tongue in that bowl I was like the power of desire

You can ruin your life in 10 minutes Yeah The decisions Those snap decisions Because you were just lured by that fucking beauty is real. Beauty is real. If somebody like that came up to you and said, give me the keys to your house.

You just would. I'm like, I have spares. You just would. Yeah. It's just. I mean, that's the power of drag, though. Of course. This is a power of the illusion.

You and I go in some place out of drag. People cry sometimes. No. Oh. We will get treated like bald, ugly faggots. Invisibilized. Yes. Invisible man.

If we go in somewhere in drag, I think we could pretty much get whatever we wanted. Yeah. It's the Lehman Brothers. It's Wall Street. We're the Wolf of Wall Street up in there. Well, we talk about a lot of privileges in the world. We don't talk much about beauty privilege. Pretty privilege.

If you're a tall, muscular man, you don't have to pay the ugly tax. Women are putty. Women are putty. You don't have to pay that ugly tax, mama. I've been paying that tax. Yeah. Half time. Now, this is why I put on this little clown suit so I don't have to pay those taxes. Well, I wish that was true. You have to pay other kinds of taxes. Taxes. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical?

A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot, but the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on

things that matter to you and your business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Wait, speaking of taxes and numbers. Uh-huh. Happy 100th episode. Happy 100th episode.

It only took a minute. Happy 100th episode. Listen, when we started this, 99 episodes on the wall. I thought we were going to have four. A good little shuffle and then pack it up, Mary. Yeah, pack it up. You're rotten and wretched. Yeah.

But I would have never expected to like this as much as I like doing and Netflix and touring. I love doing the podcast. I love podcasting. I love it. No, yeah. We're in drag. By the way, don't get used to it. Oh, no, no.

This is not to predicate that we will be. If you want to see us in gowns, lovely gowns, there's a million other things we're in with. Absolutely. Absolutely. that we will be if you want to see us in gowns lovely gowns there's a million other things we're in with absolutely absolutely um by the way you didn't have you have you not yet complimented me on the construction on my lovely gown i did see it any other questions i did see truth teller i did see it now let's talk about the stitch work here what about it what Do you see that hole? Sorry, what? Oh, wait. Let's talk about that. Alternative hem. Alternative hem.

It's alternative facts. Alternative hemming. Oh, we didn't cut the thread on that. Listen, nobody's perfect. Jesus. It's very Charlotte Roos. I never said I was the perfect mother. It's Charlotte's Roos.

Charlotte's Roos. The Roos is that, you know, she made this dress. It's actually a very nice dress. Thank you. You make great dresses. Thank you. You know, my dream is for you to start making these dresses for people to buy. It's actually a very nice dress. Thank you. You make great dresses. Thank you. You know, my dream is for you to start making these dresses

for people to buy. That's, okay, so that's- My dream is for you to monetize this great hobby you have. See, I don't think you know about the world of fashion, fast fashion, sweatshop, slavery, and couture.

But you could make them for people. But then I wouldn't enjoy it. But that's the secret of life. Finding something you love and turning it into an interminable slog. Every part of my life, the seed was something that I loved. And now that seed grew into a tree that I work at.

Yeah, that literally shields you from any nourishing sunlight. Yes, love it. Wait, have we talked resolutions? So back to resolutions, January, dry January. You. Love it. Wait, have we talked resolutions? So back to resolutions. January. Dry January. You're feeling great.

Feeling great. No hangover. Clear. Wonderful. I love no hangovers. Can I tell you when I have wanted to drink? You have. When I'm somewhere where people are drinking.

So how do you do that? Honestly, it's tough. It's tricky. The other day I went to karaoke. It was Orbal Peck's birthday. You karaoke sober sober mary i was the only one singing because everyone was waiting to get drunk i did about five songs in a row i did short dick man i did work it by missy elliott okay so we're doing black sense now oh can i say there's entire sections in missy elliott yes i know because she's a black guy remembered uh-. And so in the middle of the rap, I had to stop singing and go, I didn't write this.

I didn't write this. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I pick up because I love this artist. Yeah. But I don't necessarily feel comfortable saying all those words. No, but other words such as sex me so good I say blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. Don't I look like a Halle Berry? By the way, me balled out of drag saying, don't I look like a Halle Berry poster? You don't No no no But you're enjoying the music And it's fun Me stone cold sober

Watching David and Noah Cyrus Sing Rain On Me Noah Cyrus With yeah And David Silver Singing Rain On Me Wait Noah Is that a famous person

Yes Where were you There I was there too At the Playboy Mansion No it was Break Room 86 Have you been there No

Bitch I personally don't like karaoke that much, but I love Orville Pack. It's his birthday. I said, we are going. Okay, okay. So we go. Famous people. And it's one of those places.

I don't know if I can tell their secrets, but. Don't tell their secrets. No, it's a backdoor entrance. Didn't we go to this together? No. Mary, this is where the cast party was. Oh, I walked in. The one you didn't go to.

No, I walked in and then 10 seconds I left because it was horrible. It was there. Okay. Okay. So, but it's a fun little karaoke spot. Sure. But then no one's singing because everyone's waiting to get drunk. And since I'm not getting drunk, I said, well, I better just sing now because then I'm off

the hook later when everyone's tipsy and starts putting in five songs at once. Totally. Because everyone gets confident. Yeah. If you get on the dance floor first, you don't have to dance later. So barely anyone's there. Okay. And I'm singing Rock Lobster.

Oh, I love that though. Well, no one's drunk yet. And I'm like, people at the there. Okay. And I'm singing Rock Lobster. Oh, I love that though. While no one's drunk yet. And I'm like, people at the party. Yeah. Everyone had matching towels. That's great though. If I want to dance, I'll go early to the club and be the first one on the dance floor. I'll get it all out of my system.

I'm in bed by 11. Totally. And then Orville has a bunch of straight friends there. And I'm up there singing. What the fuck is that little thing? You need some tweezers to put that fucking thing away. That has got to be the smallest dick I have ever seen in my whole life. Get the fuck out of here.

And Orville's friends are like. If I were doing karaoke, I would be doing Kaya fucking me tonight. And I'd be like, dick growing in my pussy. And I like that. Well, rap is fun because people. Well, rap is fun. Well, we talked about that before. Rap is fun.

It is fun. People at karaoke Sober Rap is a great way To engage everyone Because if you know it You'll just rap along Yeah it's Everyone's yelling

It's contagious Yes Everyone's having fun Dick growing in my pussy And I like that It's amazing Yeah So dry January resolutions

I made a resolution To quit smoking It lasted two and a half minutes But then I But it's all I think Orville Sorry I think Juno Birch Is currently trying to quit smoking. It lasted two and a half minutes. But then I, but it's all, I think Orville, sorry, I think Juno Birch

is currently trying to quit. She tweeted, 48 hours without nicotine. It's very inspiring. I bet it's, isn't it the type of thing where it's the hardest at first? Well,

smoking is different than anything. How'd you quit the first time? Smoking is different than anything. So you have smoking and then you have every other substance. Okay, because nicotine,

while it is an addictive chemical, nicotine in itself is not that harmful. Smoking is carcinogenic. Right. Smoking is cancer. It's like, you don't, you don't, um, you don't taste over a fire, like a fire in the forest and go you know what i mean like inhaling smoke particles is crazy bad for you is edibles better for you than smoking but it's different i mean marijuana is edibles better than smoking um you don't ever want to smoke period smoking inhaling burnt particles into your lungs is not great now the kids who are vaping are they doing is not great either but it's different it's a different bad it's vaping, are they doing, is it better or worse? But it's different. It's a different bad. It's a different bad. Tracy, what do you think?

Is vaping better or worse? It's worse, right? Oh, no, no. But then edibles? For marijuana, edibles is the safest, right? No, edibles is lovely. We're not talking about,

edibles is safest. Edibles is lovely. Love her. Love her. We love edibles. Love everything about her. Yeah, yeah. We don't love machinery

with edibles, though. No, but the sickening part is You can get You can get like a One milligram gum Of course It's lovely Lovely gal But like

The trick of The smoking cigarettes The trick of that addiction It is a trick Yeah Because how the fuck Can I sleep 12 hours straight If I'm truly addicted to smoking

How can I stand An 18 hour flight Do you wake up In the first thing you think About smoking No How can I stand an 18 hour flight? Do you wake up in the first thing you think about is smoking? How can I handle an 18 hour flight to Singapore and not become unraveled, sweat or crazy? Wait, I have a question. Do you know what I mean? Well, when people quit, let's say they're really coffee addicted and they quit coffee,

sometimes people get headaches. Yes. Do people get headaches from quitting smoking? Perhaps. I have quit from anywhere from one day to two years, all the stages in between. And I'm talking packed a day smoking. Mama, it's nothing. It's all in your head. Do you know about that book that makes you quit smoking?

Yes. Why are you reading Manhunt when you should be reading that? I need to read it again. It worked for a whole two months. And I quit for two and a half years at one point because you believe, I don't want to get so woo, but you believe you trick yourself into believing that there is relief from this moment, no matter how bad or good or whatever is going on somewhere in the future in two seconds or in two hours, I'll be able to be okay. It's a very deep grooved delusion.

I don't think it's an illusion. I think it's like- It's a delusion that you believe because it's fake. What's fake? The fact that it calms you down. It doesn't calm you down. No, no. Oh, that's all fake. But I'm saying believing and recognizing that- Oh, it's super powerful. You will get through it is very real.

Oh yes, it's very powerful. That's the only part of prayer that's real. It's a crutch. It's the only part of meditation that's real. It you will get through it is very real. Oh yes. That's very powerful. It's a crutch. It's only part of meditation. That's real. It's like you make it happen. It's, it's the, it's, um, the power of the mind. The mind is a very powerful tool for good and for evil. Absolutely.

But, um, the smoking is insidious, but alcohol is rotten. Alcohol is tough. Smoking stuff. I mean, it's, it's, well, smoking is pointless. Alcohol is fun. Well, with alcohol, it's well smoking is pointless alcohol is fun well with alcohol let's say you you drink like a normal straight person let's say is that actually though what is a normal straight person drink like these i think a normal straight person is probably having maybe a glass of wine on the weekends i think one glass of wine on the weekend

yeah i think alcohol straight people you gotta think people with kids etc i don't think they're drinking a lot you don't know about wine moms? You don't know about alcoholics? No, I know about wine moms. Oh, we're talking about normal. We're not non-alcoholic.

But I'm saying gay world, and I love being gay, and I love gay drinking. Why do gay people get tanked? Well, in gay world, I think it's because, Why do people get tanked?

You gotta imagine. I'm just gonna like analyze here, and I say this as someone with a lot of gay bar experience. Of course. But I think that, let's say 20 years ago, for example,

gay bars were the place that you could go be gay. And the act to do in a bar is to drink. And so drinking became synonymous with, I'm going to go relax and be myself with my friends. And so drinking becomes part of your,

the fabric of the activity you're doing. The way that you can be yourself. Yeah. Show yourself. And all places have fierce mocktails. All places have fierce soda options options i just want to rethink personally my instinct to always yeah i'll have a drink it's like maybe i don't want to or maybe i have to work the next day or maybe like there's always reasons maybe i don't want to the squeeze whatever the expression is yeah i guess i want to drink

with intention and not habit does that make sense absolutely where it's like oh this weekend i'm going to a fancy dinner so i'm gonna have for example the other night i was out with lisa me and her were at dinner and she ordered a bottle of wine no and i was like this is a moment where if i wasn't trying to prove a point to myself this is when you have the drink yeah for your little grown-up moment of course i mean rich successful beautiful woman yeah could be wrong with her blacking out on a saturday just because i'm gay talk about it when you have the drink. Yeah. For your little grown up moment. Of course. I mean, rich, successful, beautiful woman. Yeah. What could be wrong with her? Blacking out on a Saturday just because I'm gay.

Talk about it. You can brown out. You don't have to black out. No. You know? Gray out. Listen closely as a master painter

carefully brushes Benjamin Moore Regal Select down the seam of the wall it's like poetry in motion benjamin moore see the love the king living fall sale is on now save up to 50 on selected australian design award-winning furniture so why buy ordinary furniture when you can come home to king sale on now shop online or visit a King Living showroom today. Oh boy. I should have read the best before date on this milk.

Since I'm with Fizz, my unused data transfers to the next month automatically. I forgot things could expire. For monthly data that transfers to the next month, switch to Fizz. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fizz.ca. I just, I feel, I care more about my health than I ever have. Good, because you are on the, you peaked. I'm on the decline.

Can I say this? You're not the decline. I saw pictures of myself, recently I was researching pictures of myself in Rocky Horror when I was in my early 20s, 19, 20. And I was like, I wish I had been more into fitness then. My body looked so thin. Chubby and thin at the same time because zero equal good though but I'm saying I don't look good oh I said I wish I had been into exercise that young because my body looks like I'm so gay and frail and afraid to move or be

physical at all I know you know what I mean I do I do it's the one thing that there's the one area of my life where there has been unwavering discipline that's really true what do you think that comes from my dad so he was in shut the fuck up to think with that that drag race clip of rupaul going where does the humor come from my dad dying it's so funny this is so much right i'm not used to not Spagliato Negroni Oh I can't do it Tracy you're a lesbian right

Oh Were you turned on By the Spagliato Negroni It was a Negroni Spagliato With Prosecco Okay Thanks Tracy

Yes and You think your dad Made you aware of this I know So the one So my family Stunning Show stopping Off the charts Dina Martina Yeah your dad made you aware of this? So my family, stunning, show-stopping, off the charts, Dina Martina. Yeah, your dad's in fabulous shape.

No, but I mean in general, people, character, they're wonderful. Couldn't be better people. They were very permissive, very accepting, very open, very tolerant. However, there was one rule that my dad, who was very nice and soft and wonderful, would be hard as fucking rock on. Which is what? Not hard as a rock. Your dad's hard as a rock. No, hard as nails.

You have to move your body. You have to constantly be involved in anything you want. Figure skating, soccer, football, karate, gymnastics, dance, anything. But it has to be consistent. It has to be probably three, four or five times a week. And it has to be always. It's non-negotiable. But I think, I mean, not to be woo-woo,

I think that's an expression of love. Of course it was. Your dad's trying to set you up with a lifetime of, you know. And it worked. It worked. It is. He mentioned not smoking cigarettes and doing a little no no he's like drugs he's like smoke cigarettes do the math do the coke do all and

put on a wig yeah yeah but you can do karate but you need to put on a wig yeah dress like a girl but you gotta move your body i mean what happens when you smoke crack is that why is that why all your numbers were always so physical because you're like dad could be watching mom i know he's watching and he's hard no no i mean like i because i was it was always that like he because he trained um since he was a teenager as a martial artist it disciplined boots that explains when i met him he beat the shit out of me he kicks me right dad balls so much like karate chucked in the neck it's like a really that's so funny i think people think your mom looks like you but after meeting your dad i'm like okay this is your your dad, I'm like, okay,

this is your twin. Dad also looks just like your sister. My seven-year-old twin. Your brother looks just, I mean, families look like each other. I get that's the whole point. But your dad looks just like you and he looks very trim and young. Mama, he's been about the same weight. Mind you, he's had two hips, both hips replaced from kicking so much.

You know, roundhouse kicks. Did you talk to your dad about your hips? I sure the fuck did. You're at an age where you and your dad are talking about your hips. Mom, we're talking about, I was like, how's the aftercare? I was like, he's had three hip replacements. One twice. Catch it.

My brain was like, relax. Where's the third hip? I'm sorry. And then a knee. Yeah. Bones, mom. Karate is not safe. Bones sticking out. No. And his orthopedist. I'm sorry And then a knee Yeah bones Karate is not safe No and his orthopedist I think at the first one

He was very young like 50 or under and the orthopedic surgeon Was like why don't you just stop kicking He's like I can't Wow But anyways it was like I mean I'm so lucky Because that is something I see it all the time

people struggling it's like oh I have to go to the gym it's like I have to go shovel shit for an hour or I can't look sexy that sucks yeah but you don't have to think like it's don't think about it like that because he never said you have to lift weights you know you have he never told me you have to look good no no yeah it was, you have to be engaged in a physical discipline. You have to. And then I found, I had a foundation for movement because I learned to do what I wanted, what felt good.

Now I know how to move my body by myself. Right. And it's wonderful. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't think of it as going to the gym. I think about it as my fun time. I think that's a healthy way to look at it i mean listen some people just have an aversion to exercise and i think that but i think that that comes from

shovel yeah not being made to do these things younger yeah and also like not being encouraged to find something you like also fear a lot of fear of a weakness and um violence and you know boxing bitch boxing football concussions, injuries. I know. Aggression. I mean, it's like, oh, you're having a tooth problem. So you're afraid of the dentist. It's a little bit like I'm afraid to go to the gym because I'm afraid of even that process.

I'm afraid of looking stupid. I'm afraid of a room full of machines. I don't even know how to use. There's just so many layers to it. Well, the gym is itself that now there's a whole thing. It's better actually to do to not do something than to do it incorrectly when it comes to the gym. Oh, do you love the videos of people using machines incorrectly?

I saw some bitch bust up her knee. I watched her knee dislocate because she was using something backwards. It was terrifying. Was this in person? No, no, it was a video. I was like,

Oh my God, making a video, trying to pop off for Instagram, showing her using the machine. She was doing it backwards and her knee went. It's crazy. But, but nevermind that. Like the, it's just like the, if you think about it, like fitness, it's just like, it's not washing the dishes.

No, no, no. It's not washing the dishes. It's not picking your kids up from prison. It's not like, you know, putting the dishes not washing the dishes. It's not picking your kids up from prison. It's not like, you know, putting the dishes back in the woods. It's not like a chore that you have to do. Well,

it also depends on where you are in life because when I first went to my first running store, which is real, there's running stores and Paul's running store. Of course, there's all the gear. And I said, well, I'm really excited because I'm doing my first marathon.

And he said, I've done 21. And I said, you've done 21 marathons. He goes, yeah. I said, that's crazy. I said, I'm doing my first marathon and he said I've done 21 and I said you've done 21 marathons he goes yeah I said that's crazy I said I just did my first one at 30 I said I wish I would have started younger he said you can't think of it that way because

you don't have the mental fortitude that's what he said endurance sports are all mental and when you're that young you don't have the follow through and I never thought about that before it's not just about starting early. It's about being in a place where you have a new feeling about exercise. Cause if I was a straight guy, imagine hard to believe I wouldn't wear this outfit. Um, not those shoes, higher shoes,

higher shoes. Um, I think I would have done sports through high school and then it would have entered college being somebody who had spent the last four years using my body all the time yeah yeah instead i entered frail and gay with an acoustic guitar where it's like worked for john mayer i'm real thin but not in a good looking way yeah in a in a in a pudgy backwards gay way yeah and it wasn't really about looks either it was like well this is a whole world that i don't even know how to begin it's tough to start and it's like it's very daunting it's like um people who say i can't do yoga i'm not flexible yeah it's like i can't take a shower i'm too dirty people say i can't people are like i just can't run and i'm like well you you could though yeah yeah yeah yeah you can't right now yeah well people in wheelchairs Can't run

That's true Yeah yeah yeah But there's different sports For that Thank you Mama There's extreme Fucking

Those basketball games People really get hurt You know what though I don't fetishize Playing like contact sports No At all That's what I didn't like

About karate Because I did it for like Almost 10 years Did you ever get punched In karate Yes But i don't know isn't it like fake don't you just like fake land no i mean we in the the style of karate we did was uh very basic it wasn't like it's like steven seagal wasn't like nunchucks and shit it

was like punching and kicking did you get hurt yeah no not badly but it's scary i don't like punching people or kicking people you ever fucked them kids up though? Do your dad ever like, this is how you kick and then actually kick a kid in the face? No, he's good. He didn't, you know,

with control. But the whole motto of the style of the karate was one punch, one kill. So it's refining the technique to have so much force in one motion that you could knock a guy out and have brain damage through the face, not through the face, but crack the skull and brain damage. Absolutely. Do you think in your lifetime has your i could do that training ever come in handy do you have those reflexes because in the moment if you were pinned down and and the devil came up and said okay that's hitler i need you to take three strikes to kill him i absolutely

could at least maim him seriously wow Wow. With a good, good punch. And I'd hurt myself too, or my knuckles. But I could really fuck him up with just some pretty decent technique. See, based on the condition of your hands, I figured you were like a cage match fighter or something. Because of all the dead skin. Dog fighting. Yeah.

Dog fighting. Dog fighting. Oh my God. Dog fighting. Dog fighting. Do you like dogs? I really do a groany i was walking wait wait wait wait wait i'm sorry i was walking i bumped into a girl with a dog and i said i love your dog and she said i love you and i said no you don't and she said yeah i was just watching one of your videos this morning and i got to pet her dog and i never stop people with dogs because

i think they must be so fucking sick of that no they're fishing for they love it but people walk with dogs and i used to that's my ex-boyfriend kyle if we saw a dog in the street he would get on the ground the whole stop and be like hi i'm gonna fuck the dog and i'm like oh no this person has headphones in this person's walking their dog we don't need to be how old yeah we're free yeah yeah yeah she's a good girl. Shelter or breeder? The whole rigmarole of like, ooh, they're good.

Then they're rolling around and then they have treats in the mouth. And I would do that, but I have too much respect for the person. Yes. They walk that dog three times a day. Yeah. They're like,

I'm just trying to get back to my house. They got shit-stained pajamas on. I'm trying to watch. That's what we need to talk about. Let's have that conversation that let's have trauma trauma female ptsd generational generational trauma let's talk about it you and i got a call last week is about trauma and um last week we got a call are you sure we didn't talk about this no i think what happens is sometimes in this industry, you get a call as a preliminary.

Hey, we just want to see if you guys are available. We might have a thing for you. And a lot of times it doesn't pan out. Most. A lot of times. Most times. A lot of times. Most times.

This particular time, we did want to do something. Let me tell you about my life. Let me tell you about my life and my interests, my hobbies and my passions. I am on a break free as a bird uh-huh very available uh-huh and when my favorite television show expressed even a modicum of interest in my life and working on and being a part of their universe of which i have consumed every delicious second multiple times i'm skeeting through my trousers yeah so when the management or it says yeah so wap yeah bucket mop in a whole cleaning crew yeah for this it was a certain

program it was oh it could have been it's a dream yeah a lot you know highlight of whatever now the flip side is that, you know what? Maybe I'm grateful for the fact that I don't have to sully the waters of my beautiful pond from which I drink. You know what I mean? Well, because,

listen, I don't want to be a part of something I love. I want to watch it. It's fun to be the fan. Yes. If they ask you to come throw the first pitch

at something, you go, I'd love to because I don't care for baseball. Absolutely. But this is an arena where you're like, why don't you guys be the study and share show?

And I'll be, I'm not giving out communion wafers. I'm, I'm a, I'm a, I'm proud, devout Catholic. Right.

I'm a, you're in the front row. You're singing the song. Thank you. I'm looking at. Yeah. But anyway, so that,

and it did not pan out. And that's when the suicide watch began. And that's when the new started to look very sexy. And I started to notice how tall buildings were and what are the points of egress? And how could I get your apartment started floating for the rain? You're like, well, that's convenient. Yeah. I'm only six feet tall.

We have to wait a few hours. And can I get that Caesar side? Caesar cyanide. The Caesar salad with cyanide. Can I get that cedar cyanide? Cedar cyanide salad. It was a bummer. It was a bummer.

I don't watch the program but i was really excited for us for you because it's very rare that a television opportunity comes around that you care about yeah normally when you and i get a television opportunity i get a call from you like this do you want to do this because i need to emotionally prepare for the fact that we're gonna have to do this and usually i go yes i would and you go all right what are you gonna wear and you tell me but i'm gonna i'm gonna wear the other photo shoot i was like a big blonde wig and probably something green of course you wore black i know i know but whenever you're like what are you gonna wear i'm like probably a blonde wig and a little 60s outfit in a tricksy outfit you say a tricksy outfit i'm like super helpful no but, it's funny. Rare are the moments where I get

excited by prospective professional opportunities. Should we just say what this was? It was hoarders. Yeah, no, no. It was American crime story. It was intervention. Intervention hoarders. The no. And I, I got the email at one in the morning or the text from, um, from a representative and I interpreted wrongly the text as you are going to, it's like, you are the winners. Like, it's like the difference between you won the lottery versus, Hey, there are lottery ticket cards available for purchase at 7-Eleven. That was the difference. And I chose to read it like that. And that's tough. And we learn. We do learn.

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over until. Well, I wasn't sure if it was happening. And as the day came closer, I went, well, surely they would have told us by now. And then I was like, it's tomorrow. We haven't heard. So I guess it's not happening you know that's okay it's okay listen but you know what though let's not fetishize tv is a wonderful opportunity but it also means like 12 hour days in a wig usually which is horrible and then guess what the real gag you would have

complained the whole time no no cut it would have been this is what would have happened i meet my idol snubbed or some kind of i don't you know i don't get to meet my idol and then it's a 17 hour day i look like the cat's ass and they cut the fucking scene and they cut the scene yeah that's how it works yeah you know what i mean but so i went to the plant store speaking of tv mariska hargitay's brother has a plant store what did you buy at the plant store every single motherfucking plant they had. Like I was a Looney Tune going on a business plant store. Well, I saw your tweet about like,

hey, these might not live and that's just part of the circle of life. That tweet was about me. Oh, okay. So, do you have an interest in keeping it alive?

Are they in the house? Absolutely, I do. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I, so I have this backyard situation that is, I watch the sunsets and cry we gotta do a live pod from back there

outdoor sunset pod the burglar the burglar the last episode the sunset pod it's a three part series because there's three levels letting go

letting go the final three episodes of the bald and the beautiful and we do one on each level as the sun sets. The stages of grief. The stages of death. I was in the winter of my life. Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember facesofdeath.com? I remember the VHS tapes at fucking Video Exchange. Is that okay? I can't imagine a lot of that video is, they don't have sign-offs. No, I also think it was a little maybe scammy stage. Oh, fakey. Yeah yeah because if you want it if you want it you can go to the dark web mary and i've certainly seen some things that should not be seen well it was almost more nefarious before the internet because certain tapes would cycle

like do you remember bum fights no um i remember people in my high school watching bum fights which was a series where they would pay homeless mentally ill and or drug addicts to do things on camera wow i don't recall seeing these but i remember being like even in this small town like in wisconsin i was like is this okay like dog fighting yeah it's crazy it's not okay no it's not okay i want to get a dog do you really i really want to start with a plant well david doesn't want me to get a bird because he's afraid of birds. And then I was like, well, and then he was like, well, what would you do if I got a girl? If I wanted a gorilla?

I was like, it's not the same thing. It's not the same. He goes, cause you're afraid of gorillas. What if I wanted a gorilla? I said, just to make a point, I said, well, because I love you, I would sort out my issues and I would let you have your happiness. I was like, I wouldn't have a child. Well, why don't we just start an orphanage? I know. It's like not the same thing. God, why do they make getting children

so difficult? The other night I was up late looking at the process of adopting children. Mom, a dark web. You go dark web with that stuff. Bum fights. Baby, baby. Or light web. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a version of the dark web that is for positive things, like getting babies?

You go analog. You go down to Target. No, no. You wander around the maternity ward. Listen, a lot of people, they don't want those babies. Because the babies are ugly. No, no. Babies are fine.

The people are just moving on. You just snatch the baby. Nobody asks no questions. Yeah. The Lindenburg baby. Snatched right out of the window. That's something different. That's kidnapping.

So maybe I'll get a dog because if I can't get a bird. Have you had a plant? Yeah, we have a plant. I mean, it just sits there. Do you water it? You have to water it? Yeah, you have to water it like once a month. Love that.

It has a little cup on the side. We water it once a month and that's it. It slowly trickles on its own. That's like a baby. You feed it once every couple weeks. It just grows. Yeah, I just I had to tell David

I don't know if I can stay in this relationship If you don't let me get a parakeet If you don't let me go down to Petco And get a budgie I'm gonna kill myself You have to draw the line in the sand sometimes You have to advocate for your happiness You have to draw a couple of lines

The lines that say I'm gonna kill myself The other day I was on my run And I paused my watch to run into a pet store take a bunch of pictures of birds up close and i was like what am i doing let me tell you why am i in the pet store photographing let me tell you what you're doing i'm 33 years old let me tell you what you're doing you live in a beautiful big house you have a large tropical outdoor area perfect environment for a lovely intelligent wonderful bird well you know what i told told David I said if you won't let me Have him inside

We live in paradise Yes Would you mind if I got An aviary outdoors With a bunch of finches Like A bunch And we're talking flocks

Like three or four Okay Aviary outdoors So that they basically Live out there That'd be gorgeous That's what I said He's still scared of birds though

Scared of what Like he's a tippy hedron Well I He's tipsy hedron Okay But how do we Like He's afraid scared of birds though. Scared of what? Is he a tippy hedron? Well, I know. He's tipsy hedron. Okay. But how do we like. He's afraid he's going to eat the bird. Like Michelle Pfeiffer.

Well, I told him, I said, how many cases of somebody dying from a pet bird happens a year? Well, bird flu. Zero. Bird flu moment. How many people get mauled by dogs? It happens. Oh, girl. Yeah.

So I'm like, nothing's going to happen to you. The worst thing is a bird is going to read you for your outfit. Well, what do you think about. Well, The worst thing is A bird is gonna read you For your outfit Well what do you think about Well the worst thing is That they pick up human things When I get stuck saying How about you look like The bus driver How about you look like

The bus That's what I'm saying He's gonna start reading Imagine I wake up To go make my Lipton tea In the morning Thanks a lot bitch The bird goes

What about you look like A bus driver And I go Excuse me The bird's gonna be like Really That was yours With that outfit That would be great But what do you think look like a bus driver and i go excuse me the bird's gonna be like really those shoes would that help it that would be great but what do you think about exposure therapy because i want this

bird i'm gonna have to get through david and um i don't want to have to pull out the big guns and say well i bought this house bitch so we're filling it with birds how would you pull out a regular gun but what i might do exposure therapy let's say i let a few senegal parrots loose in the home that sounds like sabotage i have one better get a couple military macaws and lock them in his closet exposure you use your how about this um you pull some strings okay you're in the industry right you're connected right you get lana del rey or somebody of that nature to come over with their bird somebody he loves and admires steven seagal or whoever i tried that with vanderpump and she goes why do you want a bird because she loves dogs and i'm like i'm like you're no help yeah get a swan no but i mean i know she has two swans i'm like bitch you have

birds no they don't fly. Maybe she get ducks. You know, her birds are named Hanky and Panky. Those swans. That's cute. That's fun. That's fun. Rhyming.

I mean, I've been, you know, the, the, my landlady with the flightless bird who pecked her, who pruned her eyebrows and stuff and beat everybody. Like they are, uh, an acquired taste, but that's not unreal. It's not an unreasonable ask for a long-term partner. Well, they're not dogs and cats, right? They're not generationally domesticated. They're still pretty much wild because people only had birds

for the last 100 years. Muy inteligente. Inteligente. Yeah. And so they need enrichment. But I mean, I don't know. What's the worst they're going to do to you?

Peck your eyes out? They don't do that. I don't think that's going to happen. Don't get a bin chicken, like those giant ibises. What about people in LA who have chickens in their backyard? Well, a chicken's a chicken. You could just, you know, a chicken's a chicken. I like chickens. Yeah.

Chickens are fun. Have you ever held a chicken? I have not. They're chickens. I mean, they're big. Well, I'm sure they vary in sizes. You know what I'm talking about? The bin chickens, the ibis in New Zealand.

Like a trash chicken? You remember in Australia how the giant beak crazy fucking birds, and they're called bin chickens? Oh, with the long curved beak? Yes. Terrifying. I love birds, but I took many videos of those and I said, no, no, no. Mama, that's dinosaur.

Scary. Very scary. Yeah. Dinosaur bitches. Well, would you ever get a pet? I would. But it sounds so stupid. Sometimes they stumble into your life.

I mean, Andrew has a dog that. Elder, senior. But it came upon him through life. It was bequeathed by a dying relative. But I loved my family dog, Raul, like deep love. His name was Raul? Yes, Raul Luis.

And he was, I mean, just, but I was a person at home living with my parents. He was like a part of the family. Right. I can't, I take umbrage with physically, even through a plastic bag, like palpating the feces of an animal. I can't do it.

I know. And I won't do it. It's like this weird sort of thing. I will poison my body with cigarettes and everything else and be a weirdo wacko, but I won't pick up shit. I'll pick up my own shit. Well, I've had birds in the city, which is not commitment. Bird poop is this big. But I've never had a dog in the city and i don't know

if i could do a weimaraner where it's like touching a where you're picking up like a thanksgiving feast with your hand mary a bread box disgusting and if you don't i'd rather you kill a human being than not pick up dog shit by the way i mean i want to tattle on my neighborhood here a lot of astroturf people let their dog shit on the astroturf and they leave it there this then it the sun comes out sun dried turds shit into the plastic grass dried turds and then you have shit living under plastic grass and every time it gets hot out it rebakes it reheats thanks a lot bitch thanks a lot bitch it's so disgusting it's it's one of those things like litter bugs. Like if you saw somebody in their car throwing a whole thing of empty McDonald's into the street, you'd be like, they might as well be a homicidal lunatic.

Not to be crazy. I was in Milwaukee and I always take the buses there because I know the routes. Yeah. And so I'm waiting for the 52 bus to go over to West Atlas. And there's so much trash collected in this park. And I went, who are these people rolling down the window and throwing shit out the window? My friend Dave in high school, he would do that. Throw his whole bag of McDonald's out into the middle of the street in the suburbs. It's bad enough that we have landfills to put these things in.

It's bad enough that we have garbage. Of course. The fact that you're just throwing it these things in. It's bad enough that we have garbage. Yeah, of course. The fact that you're just throwing it out the window. It's very wild. If I was on a date with a guy and he littered. I would roll out of the car. I'd tuck and roll. Tuck and roll.

A hundred percent. Tuck and roll. I'd rather him say, well, I guess a few years ago, I did commit manslaughter and I hit a woman with my car. Or I killed my mom last night. Right, I would go, that's okay. It's not like you're littering. We can work through that.

I don't get that. It's not okay. It's not like you're littering. We can work through that. I don't get that. It's not okay. It's not okay. Don't litter. Last question. What? Before we wind down and wrap up.

Would you pick up your dog, say you're, you're holding your friend's dog. They have, went into an emergency room or something for 15 minutes.

Sure. The dog poops on the middle of the street. You have nothing to pick it up. Middle of the highway? Nothing. Is it a frogger situation? The middle of a, of what situation?

A frogger situation where I'm jumping cars in the highway to go pick it up? No, no, no. You're on a Manhattan sidewalk. Okay. Big, medium-sized turd right in the square, pristine Upper West Side sidewalk. Uh-huh. Nothing to pick it up with. Nothing at all. What do you do?

I go find something. I'm not touching it with my hand. That's not happening. But there's nothing. No stores around at all. But if I pick up that shit, then I have shit on my hands. So what is that? There's a trash can right there, though.

I would say, this is horrible. I would dig in the trash and find something to grab it with. It's an empty trash can. Are you trying to get me to pick up the trash, the shit with my hands? I'm asking whether you would walk away or you would pick it up with your hands. I'd walk away. Okay. No one's picking up the shit with their hands.

That's my point. And by the way, what kind of friend am I if my friend comes out and goes, hey, how was it? Good. Really good. I picked up the shit with my hand. Mary, I don't have a friend anymore. Because they're like, so you're fucking crazy.

I think they'd be like, you're a friend for life. They'd be like, well, at least I know if I shit, you'll just pick it up. I'd be like, you owe me. And then I'd bend over and shit and watch them pick it up. And then I take it and I rub it in my gums. Goodbye, honey. Honey diva girl. Goodbye, girl.

Goodbye, shitty girl. Goodbye, shitty girl. Girl, do you have another turd in the street, girl? 100th episode, shit girl. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before we go.

What? I, okay. You know about the real gays of West Hollywood, this show, right? I've not watched it. So I'm not going to pretend to watch it. I don't even think it's on yet. I don't even think it's on. It is on.

Oh my God. But I'm not watching it because I don't watch anything. I'm not even watching Drag Race, right? Oh my God. I'm not that gay. I'm like Jasmine Masters. I am not that gay. When accounts will post, like VH1 or whatever will post like, Monday's got me like, and

it's like a gIF from that show. People will spam it. Do you know about this? No, no. People will spam these posts, bring back 90 minute drag race. No one wants this.

And they'll post pictures from scat play porn. So these VH1 accounts and stuff are being spammed with scat play pictures with people saying bring back 90 minute drag race bitch you you dick you dick bitch so they're trying to promote like oh fuck like those poor interns those poor interns the real gays of weho and then it's just like videos of women eating shit on twitter and because they're just like What about these gays And the fans are like What about this shit picture

What about this shit Isn't that crazy What about this shit What about this fucking feces bitch What about this fucking feces bitch Thanks a lot bitch Thanks a lot bitch It's like hey

Did you want to watch Real Gays of Hollywood No But did you want to watch This shit eating clip With this girl's fucking herself With a turd There was a video Of a girl shitting and it went straight in the other girl's.

I'm going to die. Anyway, let's get out of here. We got to watch Real Gays. We got to watch it. You couldn't. We're supporting the girls. Which girls? The girls.

The girls. The deepest in the doll. The real girls that we have. Jonathan Bennett's husband is on it. Todrick's on it. Okay. I don't think I know anybody else. There was a scandal around it.

We can talk about it next episode, but somebody was allegedly booted off for having an OnlyFans. Oh, is it Chris Salvatore on it? Yeah. So nice. I met him a couple times. Sweetheart. Very, very, very sexy. In person?

Sexy. He's hot in pictures. Sexy. He's hot in movies. Yeah. In person. Yeah. Sexy.'s hot in pictures Sexy He's hot in movies Yeah In person Yeah Sexy

I was like Yeah The eyes, the face, everything And he's so nice That everything he says This is that thing That sometimes porn people have Where they have so much charisma

That when they're talking to you They make you feel like You're the most important person in the world Yeah That's called being a It's charm Charm Yeah he had that

Charm But what about eating shit? We gotta go eat some shit We gotta go eat some shit You're the most important person in the world. Yeah. That's called being a charm. Yeah. He had that. Charm. But what about eating shit? We got to go eat some shit. We got to go eat some shit. Bye. Bye.