The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Land of a Thousand Fjords: Live from Norway with Trixie and Katya!

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Starting point is 00:00:54 Order yours on the Tim's app today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. ["Sweet Home Alone"] We flew internationally for you. Can we get some goddamn applause for the pussy, the titties and the ass hair? My God. Mereway, what the fuck? Oslo. Damn. We are really... Have you played here before?

Starting point is 00:02:05 I have not, not in this very theater, no. I fucking have. Anybody see me, we like a few years ago, me here, no? Nobody, okay, great. There's a giant fucking pipe organ back there. Really? Finally, I have the second biggest organ on stage. Okay, swear to God, there's an organ.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I don't know if they want us to touch it. Should we do the pipe organ? There's an organ. I don't think they, I don't want to like impress people too much. Well, it's just kind of convenient because something you guys don't know about her is that she actually took 18 years of church organ and she's a little shy. I just, listen, the gospel is sacred and it's mine. I don't wanna force it on people. I play the pipe organ for me.

Starting point is 00:02:52 It's for you. For me. And for Jesus. At home music. Is this a religious country? No, however, however, you better believe I did some research on this fucking country earlier. Hell yes, hell yes. Christianity is the kind of, Christianity is like the thing, but you're not crazy Christians, right?

Starting point is 00:03:13 No. They also speak their own language, Norwegian. Yes, and they have like 1,100 fjords. The internet told me that there's two versions of this language, right? Yeah. There's sexy and spicy. Right. It's right. America, we can barely do English.

Starting point is 00:03:36 We're like, no, everything revolves around me. I'll never learn anything. Yeah, we are really lucky. Americans get to be so stupid and still succeed. But look, they've got the incredible Norwegian air conditioning present tonight. Look at it. Wow. Oh my god. Wait a minute. Girl, it's almost a little too rich. You know, I have Brandon backstage with my notes and my wine and I thought, well, if the wine gets brought out, one glass gets set, then you guys are going to be like,

Starting point is 00:04:10 look at that fucking alky. You know what I mean? But now Brandon's going to carry it out as like a procession to bring me wine. So, hey, give it up for Brandon. Is that worse? But you know what? That is a very classy, although that is a heavy pour. Thank you, Brandon. Give it up for Brandon. Is that worse? But you know what? That is a very classy, although that is a heavy pour. Thank you, Brandon. Give it up for Brandon.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Well, I'm a heavy girl. Recently, Gemini told me that my BMI is overweight. So cheers, girls. Cheers. You need to switch the Pisces or something. Gem and I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Girl. Let me tell you.

Starting point is 00:04:48 Tell me. This, I need to just, well, ooh! Ah! I need to say hello and we need to recognize and just sort of appreciate the listeners who are in their cars in the future. People are in their car... We're recording tonight. Scream to the people! Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:11 Now, a lot of times, you know, because people don't usually watch and drive, although in LA they do, but I wonder if you could make some noise that corresponds directly to how sexy we look while prompted, okay? So I'm going to say one, two, three, and then you're going to describe via shouting how sexy I look. Does that make sense? Okay. One, two, three. Suck it, car people. You can't fucking see us. One, two, three. No!

Starting point is 00:05:47 Suck it, car people. You can't fucking see us. You can't see us. If they could see me, I am laid out here. My pussy lips are spread straight open. Oh, yeah. And if you look inside, there's another pair of fucking pussy lips. And behind there, there's a very short man going, oh, yeah. Eternal daylight.

Starting point is 00:06:04 The sun never stops shining on those gorgeous pussy lips, baby. Is that what, are we doing, we were just in Sweden, had to say it, and we were just there. We were at her family reunion, which was a blast. It was a family reunion, it was incredible. You know, it was nice to stop by the Royal Palace and see my family, you know. By the way, I saw the Royal Palace here today. Wow, how beautiful.

Starting point is 00:06:26 Baby, this town is fucking yanking. It's yanking. You guys have a beautiful place here in Oslo. Give it up for your fucking home. Give it up for the home. Give it up. It's like, mama, it's clean. It's pristine.

Starting point is 00:06:42 It's gorgeous. I mean, we live in a true garbage dump back home. Our city is so fucking ugly, girl. Do you not recognize that fact? You just said, it's clean, and someone said, just like you. My pussy's clean. Well, actually. Well. Not really.

Starting point is 00:07:02 It's been a couple days. No, I mean, honestly, sometimes I'm like, people, hey, you know, hey. People, I think like in America, I think that people turn us on, well, they're turned on by us, but and they're mostly 19 year old lesbians, but that's okay.

Starting point is 00:07:20 I think that people turn us on because they want escapism, but then we're always mad now about America. Oh, you're right, that's bad. Okay, so are we happy? Are we obnoxious because we, I don't know. Well, it's- Should we live in a bubble and just be like,

Starting point is 00:07:37 let's talk about best and worst dress. You know what I mean? Like, is that what we should be doing? Specifically tonight, turn the house lights on. I'm doing best and worst dress right now. Well, obviously she's the best dressed right here. Stand up. Let's see it. Stand up, whore. Stand up. Stand up.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Stand up right there. Obviously. Wait, wait, wait. Right out there. Stand up right there and take a look. Don't come on stage. Obviously. Look at this whore. Yes. Wow. Obviously. Look at this whore. Yes. Wow. Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:08:08 Always a humbling moment when the fans come dressed better than you. Oh, I know. Happens to me all the fucking time, by the way. Oh my God, oh my God. The number one Trixie impersonator is 30 pounds thinner and 10 years younger. I'm like, okay.

Starting point is 00:08:22 And very ambitious. Stand far away from me, bitch. You know what I mean? Do you guys do Halloween? Yeah! Just curious. Do you guys know what happens to us on Halloween? People show up, I don't know. Like, they hurt, like, they read about us online.

Starting point is 00:08:42 Like, they've never seen us. The black and white eyeliner abuse that occurs on October 31st when people dress up as me, it's bad. It's bad. Mary, what are these nails? These are my Cynthia Rivo nails. Yes. They're barbecue tongs.

Starting point is 00:08:57 How do you, how do they stay on? Well, these are my Tony Hawk mini skateboards that I just like glued on my hands. There's also something, it's very trans-labyrinth. It's very- Trans-labyrinth! It's very, it's very- Hello. You know, horror.

Starting point is 00:09:16 I need, oh, girl, can I tell you what happened at the palace? Please, I wish you would. I haven't decided if I wanna sit. Yesterday, I had a corset on with all the padding. And so I felt so pigged up. Yeah, me too. And today I have this little... And so I feel like, is my cock out?

Starting point is 00:09:33 Like, I really keep, like... It is weird, because we don't communicate about what we wear. This is just happenstance, because I also happen to be... Cock out. Cock out. But also showing. Right. But also showing. Right. You know, I'm like, so, yes, Glenn and I

Starting point is 00:09:49 were lucky enough to get pregnant and I am showing. But I'm a little self conscious because I don't really do maternity wear very well. However, I do just wanna address one thing really quick. I'm gonna do it really quick and we're just gonna get it over with. Right. I do just wanna address one thing really quick. I'm gonna do it really quick and we're just gonna get it over with. Right.

Starting point is 00:10:08 It shall never be spoken of again. Yeah. Now for the people at home who are listening, she actually pulled back her hair. She showed her industrial piercing that was infected and she pulled the barbell out and all the puss started shooting out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:22 I unzipped my human suit and showed my scales. Girl! What? What? Final Destination Bloodlines? Do you know about this movie? Mary. I know it's a-

Starting point is 00:10:40 We talked about it yesterday. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We did not talk about this yesterday. The MRI scene, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We did not talk about this yesterday. The MRI scene. Oh, have you guys seen this? Have you seen it? It's a spoiler, but the movie sucks, so who cares, right? Well, the thing is, I wanted to go see it in the movies,

Starting point is 00:10:56 and I kept putting it off, putting it off, putting it off, because then I'm thinking, well, what if I go to the movie theater, it explodes, and then I'm in Final Destination, you know? But then I went to rent it on iTunes. I swear to God to rent that movie right now because it came out this week on iTunes. I swear to God it's $40 to rent the goddamn movie.

Starting point is 00:11:11 No. I'd rather get killed. No, they do. You can find like a million compilations of all the good scenes. But there is this, listen, the people who write the script for this movie, I want to study their brains or the lack thereof. Sure.

Starting point is 00:11:25 It is, they concocted this scene where it's in a hospital and this guy's got like a lot of piercings. He's like runs a tattoo shop or whatever. He's got nipple piercings, tongue piercing, dick piercing, all this, you know, the whole thing. And the MRI machine gets, whoops, cranked up to like the highest level of magnetism. They hit the sleigh button on the MRI. They hit the sleigh button.

Starting point is 00:11:49 So what happens? Nipple piercings out and then tongue piercing. And then dick piercing. Fears. You see like a bulge and then it. And then. See I'm so gross at the beginning of that bulge I'd be like, You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:12:05 But of course his metal belt buckle just stays put. It's so weird. But then I'd be like, oh my god, let me make sure your dick is okay. Let me just see it. Oh. It's stuck to the MRI machine. It's hanging over there. And the whole time this is happening, his friend is having anaphylactic shock from eating

Starting point is 00:12:23 a chocolate that he's allergic to. I don't know why, but he wouldn't give him the EpiPen and now he's like, like thrust into the machine, but like he won't fit and then a fucking wheelchair comes and crushes them and so he's just this big blob of gross like blood and guts that gets sucked into the machine. Well. And I say, where's the Oscar?

Starting point is 00:12:47 Why not? Where is the Oscar? Honestly, I've been over here for a couple of weeks, watch, oh, you know, watching, what do you call it? Oh, The Beginning of War. Right, I've been watching that on TV. And every day I'm like, well, should I keep watching another 12 hours of CNN

Starting point is 00:13:02 or should I pierce my dick and go to the MRI machine? You know what I mean? You can have chili or chili with noodles. Have you ever seen, wait, have you ever seen Final Destination 3 with the rollercoaster? I've seen all of them. The third one has Mary Elizabeth Winstead, which is crazy because she's like a serious actress.

Starting point is 00:13:19 I watched it the other day and I was like, wait a fucking minute. Wait, which one is it? What is the big set piece at the beginning? It's the roller coaster. Oh, I love that. Yes. Love that shit.

Starting point is 00:13:29 And that's the one where, do you guys, anybody who's a millennial, do you remember when people had digital cameras? Yeah. And you would like dump the whole photo booth onto Facebook for who fucking cares, no reason, right? Bring the book. Your life wasn't interesting then or now,

Starting point is 00:13:43 you know what I mean? And it's Mary Liz with Winstead going through her digital camera No reason, right? Bring the book. Your life wasn't interesting then or now, you know what I mean? And it's Mary Liz with Winstead going through her digital camera in her Pinterest room, and she's seeing how everyone dies in the camera. Remember, it's like, oh, the twins. The picture's overexposed. Then they die in the tanning bed. That's right.

Starting point is 00:13:59 Ooh, some really like... I would love a final destination set at RuPaul's DragCon. Oh. Because I have some girls I'd like to cast. You know what I mean? I would volunteer as the first kill, and I would, you know, there's a lot of fake-outs. Like, I would slip on a banana peel, and then I would, you know, like, bounce off a Zamboni, and then, like, RuPaul would come,

Starting point is 00:14:23 like, 55 miles an hour in her like roller blades and just go right over my face. Yeah. And then come back and then do it again and then come back and do it again. That's how I would wanna go at RuPaul's DragCon. Right. Los Angeles.

Starting point is 00:14:35 I would want some kind of like, let's see, cause like it'd have to be rooted in realism. So at DragCon, where am I? I'm waiting in line for a hot dog or something, right? Something realistic. And somebody shoots you. No, I think I'm choking on the for a hot dog or something, right? Something realistic. And somebody shoots you. No, I think I'm choking on the hot dog and it's like, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:14:49 And then the viewer, and by the way, the idea that I could have a hot dog in my throat and I wouldn't know how to handle it. Yeah. I don't fucking think so. I think we left that gag reflex in the late 90s. And it's not just a hot dog. It's like a six inch around Italian super sausage,

Starting point is 00:15:04 Candelini, weenie. And it's, you know, it's a summer sausage. It's shooting out the back of my head. My mascara's running. I'm, oh, oh, oh, you know what I mean? And the people at the eye picker, jerking it, obviously. They're really stroking it.

Starting point is 00:15:20 And then at the last second, Cuckoo comes by. God. And she said, Cuckoo Myanmar. She steps on my foot. The exclamation of pain of my baby toe getting squashed because, you guessed it, the nail's infected. So then the guttural... Ugh!

Starting point is 00:15:37 ...shoots the hot dog into the air, hits a transformer, showering the arena in sparks for 15 and a half minutes of thunderous ovation while five girls quit on the spot. And that's the night Trixie died at DragCon. And then honestly what happens is, somebody, what happens is, well, I forgot to tell you, this is also, this is also RuPaul's Drag Race Sweden. Oh yes. Wait, there is also RuPaul's Drag Race Sweden. Oh, yes. Wait.

Starting point is 00:16:06 There is that, huh? I don't know. So there is. There is. Okay, there is. Wow, we did not talk about that in Sweden yesterday. Fuck. Fuck. I choke up the hot dog. I stumble into one of these European bike lanes, and those people are not fucking stopping for anybody. Ooh, girl. I'm hit.

Starting point is 00:16:26 They would not stop for a newborn baby crying for help. They would not stop for a million dollars. Those people are on a mission. Yeah. They will fucking chop your head off. The problem with that one, I forget which final destination movie it is, but that one is in 3D.

Starting point is 00:16:39 And so every kill, even if it's not 3D, the person dying is like, whoa. It's like so fucking corny. That's gonna be the log one. Is that the log one? Oh, I think it is the log one. Oh, baby, that highway scene gets me right together. I almost get hard.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Good for you. I know. And it's been a while. It's been a while. You know? Wait, can I tell you what happened at the palace? Yeah. So you guys know Gorgeous Brandon is on the trip.

Starting point is 00:17:01 Gorgeous Brandon and Clapper Brandon. Oh, because this is a constitutional hereditary monarchy, right? Yes, and I looked it up on the internet. The internet told me that you guys have kings and queens and stuff, but they have more of a representational role. They still have all the trappings of government, right? See, I did my research. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:28 You got your royal drawn, but you also got your red tape. And I'm Swedish, and so I hate when people all lump us together, you know? So I know that there's differences. Very distinct identities in Scandinavia. People really need to figure that out. There's Norway, there's Sweden, there's Finland. There's blonde, and then there's more blonde, you know, it's just different.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Yeah, chili or chili with noodles. Chili with noodles. So I walk it up to, wow, look at this beautiful building. It's the Royal Palace, right? And Brandon said, you gotta go see it, it's so pretty. And then they did the changing of the guard while I was there. And I've never, I didn't even know what that was.

Starting point is 00:17:58 I was lucky enough to just see it. Mary, I'm gonna do an impersonation of it, but this is not to be, this is... So they have like a, well, it's not this. They don't have a mic stand. Okay, they don't have, they have like a Swiffer or something. Oh no, it's a gun. They have a gun.

Starting point is 00:18:17 By the way, you like how American, I'm like, is that a gun? I know what a gun looks like. Okay. But they walk and they, you guys know, they do this thing where they, one arm is fixed and one arm, one gun looks like, okay. But they walk and you guys know they do this thing where one arm is fixed and one arm, one arm is like, one arm is like swinging. Like really fucking swinging.

Starting point is 00:18:34 It was so in time, it was so stunning. But bitch, I gotta tell you about their fucking helmets. Wait, wait, what? Girl, it was like this gorgeous black riding helmet and they're in these beautiful outfits and it's stunning, everything's beautiful. Girl, it was like this gorgeous black riding helmet and they're in these beautiful outfits and it's stunning. Everything's beautiful. I'm sobbing by the way. I'm sobbing. Of course I am, right? Because I get cuckoo stepped on my toe, right? And they have these black helmets and I swear to God, the first thing I thought of was RuPaul saying, I'm not a financial

Starting point is 00:19:01 analyst, but the best defense against economic ruin is a side ponytail. Because the helmets have like a horse hair ponytail coming out the side. Mary, it's the truth. That's incredible. So I'm watching them do this beautiful, stunning procession that I assume they do every day.

Starting point is 00:19:21 And the ponytail, and the wind is blowing the ponytail and I'm like, here come the hurricane bitch. Here come the hurricane bitch. It was so fucking cool. It was so cool. You grabbed a mic and started doing the voguing thing. Yeah, you guys have to imagine, we don't have, I mean, you guys saw our shitty fucking parade

Starting point is 00:19:39 they had two weeks ago. Girl. We don't have anything cool like that, and we don't have anything cool at all. I know, and also, what't have anything cool like that, and we don't have anything cool at all. I know, and also, like, what is the, what would be the cool equivalent of it? I'm sick of what, oh my God, I mean,

Starting point is 00:19:51 if our royal family is like, Kim Kardashian. No, no, no, it's Thousand Pound Sisters. Thousand Pound Sisters, of course. It's Thousand Pound Sisters. Of course, of course. Tammy and Amy. Our Congress is comprised of many women who didn't know they were pregnant. Right.

Starting point is 00:20:09 And then... And by the way, our UN is 90 Day Fiancé. 90 Day Fiancé, yeah. Yes. The Senate is... Survivor. Who? Survivor.

Starting point is 00:20:19 Survivor, yes. Yes. And then the president, I think, is... Who's the president? It was... Oh, Jonathan Bailey. Jonathan Bailey, yeah, I think, is... Who's the president? Oh, Jonathan Bailey. Jonathan Bailey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:29 But he's not American, is he? No, but that doesn't matter. That doesn't matter, right. It doesn't matter. The sexy little glasses. The sexy little glasses. What is that? And by the way, the glasses being sexy

Starting point is 00:20:40 are dependent on who's wearing them. If I had those on, I would look like Never Before Christmas Sally, you know what I mean? Like. I was like, uh, lipstick on a pig, honey. Like that doesn't really check out. They're not, they don't make you sexy. He's like an extremely fuckable young man

Starting point is 00:20:56 who just happens to be wearing spectacles in Jurassic World Rebirth. Right. By the way, and they got Scarlett Johansson, who I know is for straight men, she is she's gorgeous but for straight men her Natalie Portman are the two like oh my god I'm not a sweetie baby Sydney fucking Sweeney those chugs I know but she's kind of new like I am jerking it to you know yeah they have but they've got backlogs of stroke material to Miss Portman.

Starting point is 00:21:26 Right. Not, it's just a few... Just a few... That is so, you know, that's really gross for me to objectify. But, I mean, the truth is, if I had those jugs, baby, there would not be one dry spot on my body. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:43 And I'm not talking about... Well, didn't you see her in that movie when she played a nun and they had to do all tight shots because of course it's the gorgeous breasts. Yeah. I love that movie. Mary, I loved it too and I'm gonna spoil it for all you Norwegian fuckers.

Starting point is 00:21:55 She fucking, she births that baby and she fucking- She births the devil's baby and then kills it with a rock. Yeah, she goes like this. Ugh, ugh. It's fierce. And it's so cunty. And those jugs are bouncing. You know those jugs are bouncing.

Starting point is 00:22:15 ["The Naked Gun"] ["The Naked Gun"] On August 1st... May I speak freely? I prefer English. The Naked Gun is the most fun you can have in theaters. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online go pass ahead of the show at Gotransit.com slash tickets.

Starting point is 00:23:08 You guys, I took some notes, but I can't operate. How do people do anything with these on? I don't know. Are any bitches out here with these type of nails? Where you at? You, oh my, you really are that bitch. Holy shit. You better work, Freddy Krueger, bitch. Oh my God. Look. Oh my God. Oh, you, look. Oh my God. Oh, you have Juno Birch nails. She has Juno Birch nails. Oh wow, those are beautiful.

Starting point is 00:23:31 You know what I hate when they ask us? You look great. Don't you hate when they ask us, how do you wipe your ass? How do you finger your pussy? How do you open an envelope? How do you do your taxes? Like, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:23:43 You know? My thought is how do I use my phone? You know Michelle Visage carries tweezers to get the card out of the gas pump? Swear to God she has tweezers. Tweezers? She said she got sick of having to ask people to grab her debit card,

Starting point is 00:23:58 because she can get it in, but she can't get it out. It's... You're just like... No, no, no. You guys, listen, I just want to congratulate you as a country on having the most medals in the Winter Olympics. Wow.

Starting point is 00:24:12 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:24:19 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I be honest? No small feat. We were in Sweden yesterday, I asked them what do you guys think of, what's the first thing that comes to your mind with Norway?

Starting point is 00:24:30 And they said the beauty. The beauty. They said how beautiful. And then on the internet they said the beauty and the nature. And they really nut for the fjords. I know you guys are probably sick of it, but you know. They want the girl, they're horny for all your fjords. I know you guys are probably sick of it, but you know. They want the girl, they're horny for all your fjords. In America, we have economic collapse and shootings.

Starting point is 00:24:52 Not a fjord, but kinda something. We also get to get bankrupt when we go to the hospital. Woo! Woo! No kidding, I was on a hike today and I slid down one of those, you know the railings when you're outside for steps? Railings, okay.

Starting point is 00:25:07 And I don't know what it is, like... What? Some like little boy in me needs to slide down them like on my butt. I have to, it's very Marty McFly, I'm late for school, Doc. You know what I mean, like I love it. And I know that I'm rubbing my like 35 year old butt juice

Starting point is 00:25:24 on everything. Hello. I know. And I know that I'm rubbing my 35-year-old butt juice on everything. I know. But you get that grip. You get that grip and that good slide. And before you know it. Oh, my butt cheeks just, it just grabs. You know? And I was like, what if I fall?

Starting point is 00:25:35 I'm like, baby, this is the place to do it. Yeah. I'm not gonna fall in America. They just put you down. You know, like, I'm gonna break something here. I have consolidated all, I have consolidated and preplanned all of my injuries to occur tonight here in Norway.

Starting point is 00:25:51 Yeah, mama, bones are getting broken tonight. Yeah. And they are getting tended to for free. Absolutely. Do you guys have free education? Yeah. Wow. And you know have free education? Yeah! Wow. And you know what else too?

Starting point is 00:26:08 The hair, the hair all through the Scandinavian Norweigia fantasy storyline, it's thick, it's long, it's air dried, it's healthy. In America we have our three strands that we've bleached yellow. Trying to flat iron it. In the scabs from the clips

Starting point is 00:26:24 of extensions that we try to just stuff into the scalp. Trying to do a closure when all there is is exposed brain. Yeah. I mean, there is a danger here though. I'm not afraid to call it out because I know for a fact that some Swedish women and some Norwegian girls have been kidnapped and held hostage

Starting point is 00:26:44 for their hair to be harvested by Beyonce. However, I don't really feel bad for them because they eat really well, they live in luxurious accommodations, and they get to be a star. Yeah, and they get free Netflix, you know what I mean? And then they get to see the glory of their biology just on that big plasma screen with that woman just shaking her, ugh. I love it. I love, you know, Beyonce hasn't asked for any of my wigs. I can't imagine why.

Starting point is 00:27:15 I don't know, I think she's busy. She's busy. That woman, listen, I don't know. I mean, I guess it is just kind of, goes without saying that Beyonce is incredible, but we were, we're kind of new to the party, or late to the party, we're late and new. But now we know it, and I can't,

Starting point is 00:27:32 this cannot be overstated, don't you think? This cannot be overstated. This woman. I feel like a mud person. Yeah. I feel like, I felt like a mud person when I left that show. You know what I mean? I felt like you were covered in mud.

Starting point is 00:27:51 No, that was shit. But it's like if you ever have the chance to go see your live, do it, sneak in, steal a ticket, rob a bank, whatever you gotta do. But on the flip side, I spent all last night, I was up very late reading reviews of Miss Lana Del Rey's stadium shows. And I'm feeling for my girl, I feel for her. Ooh, she's out there struggling, struggling in that cotton dress and those kids.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Ooh, at one point, she's got a house, this shitty little house set up and there's a hologram and a window and that hologram sings two full songs. Girl, girl, she leaves the stage, comes back in the same outfit. What are you doing, Mr. Vang? What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:28:38 Well, the thing is, what are any of us doing? Because ABBA Voyage happened, so I don't even know why you and I are here. Thank you. We should have computer-generated version, doing, you know, like, doing dances and songs, and you and I should be asleep in Los Angeles. We should.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Would you guys go to the Trixie and Katya Voyage hologram experience? Yeah! Yeah! They can AI the jokes, probably funnier than us. Oh, thank you. My God. But I do. I am pushing for this.

Starting point is 00:29:10 I really feel like we are the perfect candidates to step into the shoes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in a new kind of simple life thing. Sure. It's not a simple life. It's the difficult life. We're not farmers.

Starting point is 00:29:24 We're brain surgeons. Right. You know what I mean? life. We're not farmers, we're brain surgeons. Do you know what I mean? So like we step into the, then we're like oil drillers in the ocean for a day, you know, like what could go wrong? Yeah, cause they were doing like, they were doing jobs that were like working at a drive thru, whatever.

Starting point is 00:29:38 We should be like, all right, today you are the White House secretary, you know? Like, yeah, tomorrow you're putting a stint in his heart. Yeah, tomorrow you're doing LASIK surgery on someone. Oh, I would love that. I feel like I would be cunt at LASIK. It's just a... Well, you know how in movies...

Starting point is 00:29:57 Well, we talk about this. When in movies, if you're not a good singer, but then you feel love and then you're a great singer. So I think if you're doing the surgery and then you think of who you love, you'd be like, I'm gonna tear this bitch up. And you would get in there and you're a great singer. Oh yeah. So I think if you're doing the surgery and then you like think of who you love, you'd be like, I'm gonna tear this bitch up. And you would get in there and you would really do it. Also, if you're in the operating room

Starting point is 00:30:11 and the blood pressure is, you know, spiking, the pulse is, you know, flatlining, you just have to believe in yourself. Believe in it. You know what I mean? And you have to let go. Gotta let go in order for that thing to work. And let God.

Starting point is 00:30:27 By the way, I think it's the funniest trope in the history of cinema. When a person, when they are like, they can't play an instrument, but then they believe in themselves and then they can. It doesn't make any sense at all. and they believe in themselves and then they can. It doesn't make any sense at all. Or like, I'm like, oh, like a kind of C plus shitty violin student and then, but wait a second. Oh, oh, whoa. Like that is so nutso.

Starting point is 00:31:02 It's crazy, it's cuckoo. Can I be honest though? I think that sometimes I operate from a place of delusion as far as like that gay gene where you're like, I can do anything. It's like, oh, I'm gonna do that. I can do that. Nobody said I can't do that.

Starting point is 00:31:14 Well, that's great. But did you hear about this? Science, scientific studies, and I'm talking a lot, too many to ignore have indicated that finger size the pointer finger and the ring finger tell if you're gay so this is everybody look at their hands okay guys this is the shocker yes yes this shocker tells if you're lesbian no no. So these, ugh, these two. So if the difference in their length is quite pronounced,

Starting point is 00:31:50 baby, you a faggot. What? Yeah. No, it's true. It's true. It's true. And I noticed mine, I was like, there is a good three quarters of an inch difference, so mama, I was born to be gay. Right.

Starting point is 00:32:03 No, but, and it's true though. No, no, no. I remember when you were born. It was longer. Yeah. It was much longer. It coiled around like those videos of people having the longest fingernails.

Starting point is 00:32:13 The finger was like a hose that was rolled up. You know what I mean? But it's true. Isn't that wild? So girls, if you know, maybe your boyfriend is really sensitive. They love poetry. They're not good at basketball,

Starting point is 00:32:25 and you're concerned that they might be gay. Just check the fingers and you'll be good. Yeah. Are your, let's see yours. Oh, the nails make it so hard though. I mean, girl, you're not sure if I'm gay. We need to check the fingers. No, I just, listen, it's 2025.

Starting point is 00:32:39 We're in fucking Oslo, anything could happen. You know what though, like I could be wearing this, but also so could like Benson Boone. You know, though, like, I could be wearing this, but also so could like, Benson Boone. You know, like this, it's very... Okay, I just gotta do a quick lap. What do you think about Benson Boone? Can I say something that, I don't know, I don't wanna kill the fun of everyone.

Starting point is 00:32:56 I don't like really hate, I find extreme distaste and hate for a celebrity who's someone you don't know. I find it wild and crazy. I 100% agree with you. I find it wild and fucking crazy. I think it's unnecessary. As if it's like the Hunger Games

Starting point is 00:33:14 and the government makes you buy events and Boon CD. Just like turn the radio, Mary. I think people are still really salty about that U2 song. Or that, you know, when you got an iPhone or... I'm still mad. That's an old people thing. Old people, do you know?

Starting point is 00:33:28 Mama, do you know about this? Baggots, I know you know. They're not even listening. They don't even care that I'm here. There was a moment. I could sit here and finger myself. I was gonna tell a millennial joke and I thought you would wanna be a part of it.

Starting point is 00:33:41 It's too late now. I'll just go lay down somewhere. You'll find me under the pipe organ fingering myself. That's fine. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by Hungry Root. Planning meals can be simple and can be stress free. I know that's crazy to think about. You come home from work and cooking can be not stressful.

Starting point is 00:34:09 I have reached whatever stage in life. Nothing makes me happier than cooking in my own home and feeding people. That's the only thing that makes me feel really present in this world. It makes me feel like I'm not just a cross-dresser. I'm also a human being. I don't know what it is.

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Starting point is 00:35:08 I also love that every delivery includes a free item, like a protein item or a sweet treat. I mean, I love a veggie item, but I love a sweet treat. My last hungry root box came with this bowl and I'm comfortable making salads. I'm not comfortable making bowls. I don't know where the line between like, which things get cooked and which don't begin. And honestly, I wouldn't say that even though I'm a comfortable making salads. I'm not comfortable making bowls. I don't know where the line between like which things get cooked and which don't begin.

Starting point is 00:35:26 And honestly, I wouldn't say that even though I'm a lifelong vegetarian, I wouldn't say I'm terribly imaginative with produce. You know what I mean? I'm that ants on a log girl. So I really appreciate Hungry Root making me a bowl that, you know, I have these things like a feta. I have these things like, you know,

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Starting point is 00:36:06 hungryroot.com slash bald code bald, baby Hello, i'm kelly mantle and my new podcast the kelly mantle show is available now Where I open my mouth and words fall off of my lips and form sentences so that you know where you are Geographically at all times even though I have no idea where I am, but I always end up where I'm supposed to be, just like your Aunt Siri. So make sure to like and comment and subscribe and continue to share the love for our community

Starting point is 00:36:38 and follow The Kelly Mantle Show. I have to tell you... Wait, wait, wait, wait. So wait, Benson Boone. Oh yeah. I think he tell you. Wait, wait, wait, so wait, Benson Boone. Oh yeah. I think he's a very talented young man. I don't know if he is a thief or a lunatic or a raper. I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:36:53 You know, that's all, it'll all come out in the wash. But I have to say, I give props to the man and I appreciate his presence because, yes, there is a one minute video of him on my phone that I jerk it to. I jerk it to. And he's up there in my bank of a phone video jerk. I mean, he's kind of featured prominently in my jerk library. And there's only spots for like about six to eight guys.

Starting point is 00:37:23 So I think that's great for him And he's very I mean, I just I don't know I just like dish the mustache. I don't like it, but you don't So you don't like his clothes. You don't like his music. You don't like him doing flips There's more options to watch people now Yeah, like I'm old enough to remember when we had like five channels Yeah, you have so many wonderful opportunities. You could get into Hungarian folk music. You could do anything.

Starting point is 00:37:49 You could get into Norwegian folk music. Yeah. You could hand knot a rug for 30 years. Yeah. There's a lot of other options rather than just like, he does a flip, I hate his guts. What a fucking faggot. I hate that. Right, yeah, we gotta keep it positive.

Starting point is 00:38:07 And maybe, you know what it is too, like I had Rebecca Black do some of the solid pink discos, and she's so nice and cool. Love her. And she's this like hot, confident pop star, and sometimes I have to connect that to like, wow, people are fucking horrible to you and didn't know you, and that's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:38:26 You know what I mean? I feel the same about tanning, mom. But you know, we're in drag race season right now, and so we're at peak of it, where people, week to week, are like, I hope that bitch ends up in the ground. I'm like, yeah, in fact. That crossie you never met?

Starting point is 00:38:39 Yeah, in fact, I will put her there. Right. It's crazy, I am a little scared. That's why I don't think I'll ever go back on Drag Race because I'm too sensitive. I might have a sensitive spirit. I have a vulnerable soul. My skin is very

Starting point is 00:38:52 Injurable. Injurable. And I just couldn't take the barrage of hate and negative criticism that is hurled at the girls nonstop on Twitter.com. Well, we're very lucky because many of you, I'm sure, have been listening to us or watching us for, God, a fucking decade.

Starting point is 00:39:07 It's so traumatizing when people come up. It's traumatizing. It's traumatizing when the girls come up and say, I've been watching you since sixth grade. Yeah, my mother did an ultrasound while watching. I was born on a green screen, you know, like all of it. It's like, oh my God. How about this one?

Starting point is 00:39:29 I was chatting just nonchalantly with Fina the other day and I was like, God, I've been doing drag for what? Nine or 10 years? She's like, nine or 10 years? 17. 20. 20? Benson Boone is twenty-two. Right?

Starting point is 00:39:48 Can I tell you? He performed at the Grammys, he did a flip, it was amazing, and he was twenty-two years old. I have been doing drag for twenty years. If I tried to flip off a piano, baby, it's a wrap. The end of Death Becomes Her when they hit the ground after they fall on the stairs and all the body parts explode. You pushed me off the piano. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:09 I don't know, because I'm at 17 years in drag, which is like, oh, God. That is so crazy, because you just look like a young girl. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:40:21 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I am. I just had to watch a TikTok to learn how to put my tampon in. I'm just kidding. No, I don't know. Wait, I did a TikTok yesterday. Please clap. But can I tell you, you know what else is fucking coming? What?

Starting point is 00:40:47 17 years in drag, I started at 18. That means in two years, it's my 20 year high school reunion. Ooh baby! And when I tell you, when I tell you. Are you gonna go? Am I gonna go? Am I a Nicky fan?

Starting point is 00:41:03 Wait, are you really gonna go? Norway, this is how I'm walking into that shit. Okay, I am ready. Side ponytail. You gotta do a series of helmets, all side ponytail, longer and longer and longer, then... I'm gonna walk in, I'm gonna see some of those guys

Starting point is 00:41:21 who are meeting me in the locker room that almost gave me a boner every single time. And I'm gonna walk in, you know gonna see some of those guys who are meeting me in the locker room that almost gave me a boner every single time. And I'm gonna walk in, you know, it's my high school reunion, we're gonna be having like one bean dip and a dart board. Like it's not gonna be a bit, it's the 20 people who've survived. Damn.

Starting point is 00:41:37 There are 80 children and me, and I'm gonna walk in and it's gonna be a very pretty woman. Beautiful lady. You're the pretty woman, right? In this scenario. For copyright reasons, we're gonna say beautiful woman. Okay. Okay. So attractive girl.

Starting point is 00:41:52 So I'm gonna walk in, I'm gonna walk in and I'm gonna say, hey, you used to call me a faggot. First of all, you were right. Yeah. First of all, you were right. Yeah. First of all, T. Second of all, you can make an incredible living doing it. And you can go to Norwegia, okay? Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:42:18 Ha ha ha! I know. Not to be RuPaul about it, but you graduated in 2005. Okay. High school. High school. I know. Not to be RuPaul about it, but you graduated in 2005. Okay. High school. High school. I know. College! Oh, sorry. I'm screaming. Sorry. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Starting point is 00:42:33 I graduated college. Who has a college reunion? I'm talking high school reunion. Oh. Is that big here? In America, the high school reunion is like a fabled thing. It's like going to prom, going to the high school reunion. Because you're supposed to go like,

Starting point is 00:42:46 fuck who you wanted to fuck, or tell them when you're rich, or I don't know what you do. Well, yes, it's an opportunity for people who are bullied or like, you know, just like at the bottom of the social food chain in high school to really flex and just shit on them hoes. Because the truth is, those people who bullied you are probably

Starting point is 00:43:05 the kind of folks who peaked in high school so it's downhill they're gonna show up super super crazy ugly and rotten and with like three times divorce with like you know children with webbed feet and bug eyes and it's gonna be bad so like you walk in there the like the pillar of grace and sensuality elegance and rich right and you just, you fucking fat ugly bitch. You fucking bitch. Oh yeah. Then you take a fistful of cake,

Starting point is 00:43:33 shove it in your mouth and leave. Well by then I'm gonna have my private pilot's license. So I'm gonna fly in my Cirrus, in my Cirrus and I'm gonna have one of the planes with the parachute just in case I crash. And I'm gonna in my Cirrus, and my Cirrus, and I'm gonna have one of the planes with the parachute, just in case I crash, and I'm gonna land it on the ceiling of the Marathon gas station in my hometown. And can I be honest?

Starting point is 00:43:51 Nobody bullied me. Just, this is more about the few guys who wouldn't fuck me. That my vendetta is more about like, hey, you saw me looking all the time. And you know, I had acne and a home perm and I was kinda like. Listen, that was the vibe back then. That was the vibe, that was the look.

Starting point is 00:44:10 It was the look. It was the high school look. Girl, I don't know. I think I'm, I wanted to go on my tenure, but. No. No, no, no. I paid the $10 dues. You had to pay $10 dues to go

Starting point is 00:44:20 and you had to fill out this whole online survey to say what you've been doing, where you went to college. And it was like, how many kids do you have? Zero, are you married? No, what do you do now? I don't know, turn on your TV, bag it. You know, like, I don't know. What don't I do? So...

Starting point is 00:44:38 The only thing you don't do is like, embalming corporeal. I know, I know. I'm gonna go to the, and then I'm gonna be, I know myself. And I know that I'm an insecure, non-listener, one-upper piece of shit from hell. And I know that when someone's like, so Mary and I just retiled the bathroom,

Starting point is 00:44:57 I'm gonna be like, I rented a motel, next. You know, like, ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba. You know? I divorced, didn't even get married, next, you know, like, I'm always ready. Yeah, I, I do. It is a regret that I harbor every day I wake up in the sweat of panic that I didn't go to my 2020 of high school reunion because you're with that event that I want you saying in the year to It's hard to come up with a... Who are you covering your face from?

Starting point is 00:45:27 Um... Ha ha! This guy just walked by with a fan. The fan was facing us like this. Are you ashamed to be here? Who are you hiding from? Josh? From who?

Starting point is 00:45:43 Had to go pee? You had to go pee, what's wrong with your bladder? Gall stones, kidney stones? You had to pee? Peeing is okay. Do you drink a lot? Yeah. Or maybe he was one of those gays

Starting point is 00:45:57 who does coke and shits in the club, is that what you were doing? Oh my God, you know, I am so, for someone like me, I am shockingly clueless about cocaine. I am like, every couple of weeks I'm like, cocaine? No kidding. Cocaine! People leave in, I just, I'll be right back.

Starting point is 00:46:15 Oh, I know. Whoo! You know, and they come back like, yeah! No, that, yes! Hahaha! No, it is, it is honestly like, hey, we're all having a fun time here. Let me go get my more annoying version of myself. Hold on a second.

Starting point is 00:46:27 Exactly. And then they come in like, girl. Like shut up. I was watching, I was fucking watching Killers of the Flower Moon, it's like six hours in the fucking theater. And you know, I got some shady friends and they're like, wow, really? They pee a lot. But you know, they leave and it's like, okay.

Starting point is 00:46:45 And then they're just like. No, seriously, literally. Literally. This is sad, what are you doing? I went to a party the other day and I went to a party, I don't even wanna say, cause I don't know if they're gonna listen. Their name, full, last name, social security, everything.

Starting point is 00:47:02 You know it was Ireland, You know it was, okay? I was in Ireland and I saw drug use and it went from like a fun, and you guys know what, when I see drug use, I'm a Furby, I'm like, ah, like I don't even know what to say. You're a Furby? A Furby.

Starting point is 00:47:21 Like I just start closing my eyes and like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to do. Citizens arrest! Girl! I just walk out of it, you know, I don't know. Girl!

Starting point is 00:47:36 I start chopping, like I don't know. And it turned from like, oh just chatting, chatting, chatting to like, so you know that everybody else in the world thinks that America is like North Korea, right? And I was like, somebody get a refill. I'll be back. People, and listen, it's a lot of, it's a lot of, what do you call it?

Starting point is 00:47:59 It's like when the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak because these coked out little fuckers, Mary, they wanna fuck you in the butt. Girl, if Ed McMahon had a check for a million dollars, they could not get that dick hard. Girl, they're like trying, trying, trying with that little softy, get out of my, get off of me. Girl.

Starting point is 00:48:17 Get off of me, Miss Cokie. Getting on top of me with a limp little coke dick and I'm sitting there going, Kal-El, no. Like, it's just, it's not, it's not happening. Kaleo, no. I know. And especially as the non-drug user, I become like a dare, like stop.

Starting point is 00:48:34 Let's see how that scenario should have gone. You know what I mean? I need you to put down the coke, your life is in grave danger. Ah, ah, ah. God, give it up for Gal Gadot pouring over that fucking bitch. Your life is in grave danger. I need you to give me the stone.

Starting point is 00:48:49 It's like, Kalao, give me the stone. I love it. No, that's too good. That's too good. Did you, I rewatched Wonder Woman 19, I almost called it 1884. Could you imagine? Well. Colonial women.

Starting point is 00:49:02 Girl, you, Pilgrim Wonder Woman. Hear ye, hear ye. Um... Girl, that movie... I forgot that Kristen Wiig is in it, who's the villain. And they do what I love in a movie, which is when somebody's not hot, they take drop-dead gorgeous and slightly, you know,

Starting point is 00:49:22 take a trip to the doctor, Miss Wiig, right? Looking like a Hollywood movie actress, and they say, get, take a trip to the doctor, Ms. Wig, right? Looking like a Hollywood movie actress and they say, get the scrunchie and the glasses, she's ugly now. And you as a viewer are like, she's, I mean, she looks like she works at Claire's, but she's gorgeous, you know? I was very perplexed and confused about what her superpower was.

Starting point is 00:49:44 Was she a cat? Was she with a cheetah? Yes. She was, but... She was like, it was like a cheetah energy. A cheetah energy? Yeah. Which is like, well, there's like panther energy.

Starting point is 00:49:57 Well, for her to have her powers, Pedro Pascal had to have his powers. He was the villain! Oh. You better get into it, ho. I didn't really watch it. But I do villain. Oh. You better get into it, ho. I didn't really watch it. But I do know that there was some,

Starting point is 00:50:09 listen, where there's body snatching in the movies, you really gotta ask yourself, does this person wanna have sex with me? Ha ha ha ha ha. Go re-watch and think about it. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Maybe I need, is, can I ask your professional opinion?

Starting point is 00:50:26 Please! Is 35 too late for drugs? Oh my god, no. You know what I mean? Could I become a good time druggy gal? Could I be the person who's at the party with the fingernail? Yeah, you know what I mean? Could that be me?

Starting point is 00:50:38 I've told this story a million times. I'm going to tell it again because we're in Norway. I was doing this stupid photo shoot in this weird house in the pool. I had this crystal thing on my head and I had no breath and I was just in the deep end like trying not to drown. And the mansion that we were at was rented by the owner of the luxury brand called V&A, which is a very hoity-toity European luxury brand. She walked in in a tight white t-shirt with her enormous breast implants,

Starting point is 00:51:09 so visible, so confrontationally bulging with those hard fucking nipples. Like, made me wonder if she was like a P-Town fag with those wired ass nipples. But anyways, she walks in very seductively, confidently, and capable. She seductively, confidently, and capable, she's like, no champagne, no cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this?

Starting point is 00:51:31 She was 35. 35 years old. It's time. She was 35. And the owner of a luxury brand, she was not some dumpster diving crackhead. She was at the top of her game. Right.

Starting point is 00:51:46 And she loved that little cocaine. So I have, you know what I'll do? I'll make an itinerary for you. Oh, good. In a syllabus. The drugs 101. And we'll start you on... Kalanapin?

Starting point is 00:51:58 No, I think we should start you on mushrooms. Can I do something that's going to give me diarrhea because I already stopped up? No, I think we should start you on mushrooms. Can I do something that's gonna give me diarrhea because I'm already stopped up? So like that could be really good for me. I mean, it's like cocaine will do that, but then you gotta be annoying. Oh my God. I know it's literally, can I tell you,

Starting point is 00:52:18 cocaine is not making you the girl you think it is. No, and it's like- This is an anti-drug PSA here tonight because I did a little research on Norway and I know that this is the cocaine capital. girl you think it is. No, it's, and it's like, This is an anti-drug PSA here tonight because I did a little research on Norway and I know that this is the cocaine capital Do you guys get? Of the world.

Starting point is 00:52:32 Yeah, yeah. Columbia wishes. Yes. So, do you guys, are any, like, what's the deal with drugs here? Well, some of these people are old straight people. Their version of cocaine is like getting a babysitter. You know, like that sort of, you know.

Starting point is 00:52:47 Staying out till 11.30. Right. Having a Diet Coke after 9 p.m. Wow. No, what's the deal? Is anything illegal here? Marijuana? Is marijuana legal here?

Starting point is 00:52:58 Oh. Wow, the people in the cars in LA. My God, I'm so sick of people saying that to me on this trip. Do you know the things I have had to do to my God back on Grindr? Hey, how y'all do you up? Sending plant emojis. They come over with a ficus girl.

Starting point is 00:53:20 I got to a speculate. You don't really need to water it that much. Look, oh, yes, I can't take it. I don't know. Well, I know, I think so. Oh, just in case, this is a good lesson. Lesson number one. So online, the symbols, what do they mean?

Starting point is 00:53:35 So if you wanna get cocaine, it's a snowflake. I thought that was crystal meth. No, no, no, that's a diamond. Oh. See, I'm gonna have to to go to remedial school. Mary, this is what I'm doing to you right now. Do you think there's a Duolingo for this? No, I am that.

Starting point is 00:53:51 Oh, OK. I'm telling you, I am the owl of drugs for you. OK. The Rosetta stoned. And then this is what you want to hear. So if somebody says, on deck, that means they have. I know that one. OK, great. You're ready to go water skiing, and you're standing on the deck. And this is what you want to hear. So if somebody says on deck, that means they have... I know that one.

Starting point is 00:54:05 Okay, great. You're ready to go water skiing and you're standing on the deck. Yeah. And then an eight ball is, well, an eight ball. That's pretty self-explanatory. And then... Can I tell you?

Starting point is 00:54:23 I'm not looking to be educated, really. But if you want to know how inexperienced I... I don't know what an ape... I don't know what an eight ball is. Well, let me tell you what it is. And I don't know what... It's 3.5 grams, I think. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:54:35 It's like... Not that much. Or it is... Depends on what it is. Maybe we should change the subject. You guys are gonna listen to this. Wait, wait, wait. We all know that I'm not gonna do drugs.

Starting point is 00:54:48 I quit drinking for two years. I just started again. You guys got me back on the sauce. Yes. So, and let me tell you something. So you gotta be careful. What you really wanna look for when you're drinking alcohol like that,

Starting point is 00:55:01 you wanna stick with pills like Xanax, Clonopin, Larazepam. Those are, they have a synergistic effect with the alcohol that's not dangerous at all. By the way, what about this set dressing? This tiny fake, what, can we kill the lights, please? I need to know if this lantern does anything. Turn off all the lights.

Starting point is 00:55:22 All, every single one of them, please. Please, please, can you do it? All of them. They won't do it. I had a dream. Isn't it, it's there. Turn off the spotlight too. I really want to be spooked out.

Starting point is 00:55:36 That's her. Whoa. Wait, can we kill this one or no? Please. Kill both of them, seriously. God, hello? God, God. Can you kill this one or no? Please? Kill both of them, seriously. God, hello? God, God. Can you kill that one, just turn it off?

Starting point is 00:55:49 Am I such a star that the spotlight refuses to turn off? It won't turn off! Here, here, you do it. All right, kill her light. I wanna see how spooked out this is. No, do it, okay. Ha ha ha ha! There's a light.

Starting point is 00:56:05 Love that. Over a third of the moon. Sorry, you know. I'm sorry. I thought that would just be kind of funky. No, that's fine. I think it's fine. We're just vibing.

Starting point is 00:56:15 I thought it was a nice way to break the discussion, encouraging drug use and kind of maybe pivot. So let's go, let's pivot just slightly. I know we said we were not gonna embroil ourselves in negativity, but I just have to get something off of my little double A cup chest right here. Ah. There are some fucking songs

Starting point is 00:56:38 in these goddamn musicals that I fucking hate so bad, and it turns me into a version of myself that is not the person I wanna be. You know what I mean? Which songs do you dislike? The composers are probably not fans of RSO. I think you can go ahead. I hope these composers, I hope they're dead.

Starting point is 00:56:57 I hope they all can, they can all choke. It's the, I don't wanna say it out loud because they'll get in my head. It's that frozen song. That frozen song. It's like, uh, uh, uh, three syllables. That's the, I don't want to say it out loud because it'll get in my head. It's that, that frozen song. That frozen song. It's like, three syllables. That's the time. I hate it so much.

Starting point is 00:57:10 It's almost like, it's almost as if the song killed my whole family in front of me, choked me out. Have you ever seen the movie? I have seen clips. Isn't it set somewhere close to here? Yeah! So we're close to the Arctic.

Starting point is 00:57:31 No, I'm saying those bitches are gonna come here and beat you with a bath. Maybe I wish they would try it because I will take off these dangly earrings and I will fuck them up. Right. I hate that. And then also, I don't like Patti LuPone. Okay.

Starting point is 00:57:43 I don't like her. I don't care. I don't care if that turns me into a gay. I don't like her. I don't care. I don't care if that turns me into a gay pariah and you just banish me into the woods, I will live there happily. I don't like her. I don't like her attitude. And I don't like that she's jealous

Starting point is 00:57:54 of Madonna playing Evita. Listen, she was great in that movie. She had big gorgeous breasts. Patti, you didn't do it. Just get over it. Wow. That's all. Wow. But I do love Kristin Chenoweth. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:09 Me too. Can I tell you, it was just Ariana Grande's birthday, I think, and so Kristin Chenoweth made a long post about, you know, all their pictures together doing the different Glendas, and that's funny. I love that. And I, this is crazy. I'm just going gonna tell it anyway. I, you know, I've been doing the Pride circuit,

Starting point is 00:58:29 doing all the stunning Prides. I recently did a Pride in Boston called Out Loud Boston. It was the week after Pride, right? So this is like a 10 part story about Boston and I've been saving it because I have, yes, new information for once. Woo! Woo! It took you guys 10 years of following us,

Starting point is 00:58:45 but once in a while, new information presents itself. So every time I go to Boston, I go to, wait, I'll tell this first. First, I saw Frankie Grande, cause he was performing at the same front. So the pride was actually really slay. It was Frankie Grande, me, and Kim Petras. Really fun, fun group.

Starting point is 00:59:02 Yes, fun. And she did her set and I sat by the stage watching her sing all these horror songs and I was like, yeah, like I loved it. It was so fun. And she's so gorge and stunning and I believe I'm her. I know that that's kind of, you know, you people in the back, you see it, right?

Starting point is 00:59:16 No, okay. Dead ringer, dead ringer. So I have had the fortune of DJing with her a few times and she's really cool and nice. And walking to the stage for soundcheck, I saw Frankie Grande with who I assumed to be his mom, right? Um, I don't remember her first name because I only met her in passing.

Starting point is 00:59:34 Zelda. Yes, maybe. I don't know. So I met her and I was like, oh, she was in, like, all black and she had this bright pink lipstick. And anybody who makes a bold makeup choice like that, I'm like, I already like this fucking bitch, right? And, you know, you have an icebreaker. Frankie was like, I don't think you ever met my mom. I'm like I already like this fucking bitch right and you know you have an ice breaker he was like I don't think you remind my mom I said oh my god nice to

Starting point is 00:59:49 meet you big fan of your very talented children hello and then I said I love your lipstick is it candy yum yum by Mac because it was hot pink and she said no it's Glinda from the Wicked collection by REM Beauty Beauty. Fuck. It was like the full name and I was like, I will always remember the color and the name of that lipstick. She brought, she got it in my ears. Core memory.

Starting point is 01:00:13 It's a core memory. It's a rebellum. That was the mom, the mom, she's like a helicopter mom? Or no, not a helicopter mom. What is a helicopter mom? Moms who drive helicopters. Shut up.

Starting point is 01:00:24 No, no, no. Stage moms, stage moms. You know, waiting in the wind. If your kids are performers, yeah, I mean, I guess you do that. You don't fuck with stage moms, especially helicopter stage moms. But also, it was like, R.A.M. Beauty, ever heard of it? I'm like, I am aware, thank you. So then after the show, I go, well, let's go to Jacques's.

Starting point is 01:00:42 Because every time I'm in Boston, I'm like, we're going to go to Katia's old gay bar. Because I always think, they're very nice to me there. And I always say, that's my home bar by marriage, right? That's my step home bar. Because my home bar is gone now. Pour it out for this is it. And nobody cares. It's cool.

Starting point is 01:01:00 It's cool. It would be like if one of your fjords melted. Aw. So, okay. No, that would be like a tsunami. Right. So I go in and I'm having, and there's three things I love about Jacques.

Starting point is 01:01:13 Gorgeous trans women on stage. Oh yeah. Hot, sexy, talented showgirls. Drinks so strong, they can take your nail polish off. Okay? Like drinks that they're like, there's a siphon to someone's car, it's gasoline, it's so serious. You leave that club with no middle name.

Starting point is 01:01:31 Yes, and friendly, very sweet and funny bartenders who treat you like they've known you forever and just read you and that's fun and great. It was a very different experience than I had working there, but- Okay, yeah. Glad to know that you had- They're always super fun and funny and love that.

Starting point is 01:01:45 So then, the girls this night, you guys are so gorgeous. These women, I mean, they are some of those beautiful drag queens I've ever seen. Like, you know, trans queen performers I've ever seen in my life. All drag included. I'm like dying. I'm drunk, of course, but I'm drinking and I'm like, oh my God, I'm tipping.

Starting point is 01:01:59 And then I go, oh my God, you all are so beautiful. And they were like, thank you. And I like joked, I go, I can't believe Katya used to work here. You know, fun little joke about a mutual friend. Ha ha ha. And then they go, well, when Katya worked here, estrogen hadn't really hit Boston yet.

Starting point is 01:02:19 No, it had. I screamed and they screamed and then we all just walked away. I was like, Mary. Let me tell you something about this. Beautiful girls. The trials and tribulations of working with hot, sexy girls at a sweaty little nightclub like that because everybody in the show dreaded this spot

Starting point is 01:02:41 in the lineup, which was you go after Destiny. Destiny is this, she's like, she's the one. She's the pinnacle of elegance, sexuality, electrifying entertainer, just ageless, gorgeous, beauty. Like it's off the hook. She's the innocence of beauty. She's the innocence of beauty. She is like, she's the Beyonce of the show.

Starting point is 01:03:03 Right. So when I roll my fucking little goblin ass out on the stage after her, it's like, my precious. Like, that's very, it's giving Lord a ring. Is there one dollar left for me? You know? It was the most, it was just a really, really rough, really, well, it was tough, and that's why we drank so much.

Starting point is 01:03:26 I, the bartender who was cross-eyed, she's still alive, I don't know why I just did that. Um, uh, no, not cross-eyed, had a glass eye. Sorry, that's different, that's different. Why not both? Hey, hello, seriously. Um, shout out to the cross-eyed divas, love the cross-eyed Divas. Love the Cross-eyed Divas. Hello. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:45 So she would, I don't know if you guys know what Dunkin' Donuts is, but it's this, you know, yeah. You guys, it's so pussy. It's very pussy, but she would take this giant styrofoam, it's kind of extra, extra large size. She would dump out the cup, fill it with maybe like this much ice and then well vodka, like that much vodka, and then she'd take the cranberry juice and go.

Starting point is 01:04:16 And in fact, I think she just flicked it a little bit. She just bumped the glasses together. Yeah. That wasn't enough. Yeah. Everybody has a friend in their friend group who makes drinks like they're trying to fucking kill you. And it's like, we're taking that away for, obviously it's you.

Starting point is 01:04:31 Yes. Yeah. You are the killer. That's the killer. That's why he was shielding his face. Because you're the killer. The killer. Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:04:41 Well, speaking of the killer, I'll keep this brief because it's so depressing. I was listening to a podcast in the dressing room about a girl, a woman now. She survived miraculously, but at 14, she was hitchhiking and this serial killer chopped both her hands off. Oh my gosh. That's true.

Starting point is 01:05:00 That's true. And that's kind of like a fun, kind of like a fun part of the show. But I'll tell you this. I was trying to... She chopped her hands off. I love Boston, I love Jacques, I love all the girls over there, but can I just say this?

Starting point is 01:05:14 I think the cover was... $10. $10. Did they raise that? Three people, 60, 20 each. I think, don't quote me, now I'm in trouble if I misquote or don't quote. $10. $10. $10? Did they raise that? Three people, 60, 20 each. I think, don't quote me. Now I'm in trouble if I misquoted it.

Starting point is 01:05:30 Was it really? I swear to God, ever since you left, the show is very valuable. I know, I was like, fuck, that's so insulting. But like, only in America do we make you pay to be in a drag show, and then we walk by your table and look at your money and go. Like, we didn't all just get paid and now we're like,

Starting point is 01:05:46 like, if you don't give me the money, I'm gonna power down and stop lip syncing. Like... Girl, listen... It's so fierce. American drag, can I tell you guys, over here, the drag queens have to know the words. They have to do the whole number. They have to have an act.

Starting point is 01:05:59 They have to have a beginning, a middle, an end. They have to have a direction, some choreo. In Sweden, they were like, oh, it's so woke here. We barely have drag bars. We just can go places. I'm like, wow, must be nice. American drag queens are so lazy and so greedy. It is wild.

Starting point is 01:06:14 And ugly. Ugly. Oh my god. Dogs. Woof, woof. It's like, it is bad. But every once in a while, you get, you know, every Blue Moon, you get this crowd,

Starting point is 01:06:25 this magic mixture of people who, you know, this bizarre confluence of different types of folks who come to the show, and they are horny to throw cash at you. And I mean literally. Horny. Horny. And I'm talking fistfuls of dollars, fives and tens, and they crumple them up into a giant fucking ball,

Starting point is 01:06:44 and they hook it at your face. And that happened to me one night, one unforgettable Wednesday night when those basketball wives came into that place and they fucking pelted me with cash for an hour and a half. We had to sweep the singles off the fucking floor, that dirty, nasty fucking floor, and I had a $1 bills, do you know how much money I made? $800. Wow. Yeah. And I was bad.

Starting point is 01:07:11 That is four, that's, you know, four or five euros. I don't know the conversion, I don't know. It was, it was Conti. And you know, that's where I got my accidental hooker start. You know? Right. This guy took him upstairs.

Starting point is 01:07:22 She gave you $800 in singles, and she said, this pussy ain't gonna eat itself Girl you said okay basketball wife dribble dribble Girl I mean this is I do you know but you know the the when I I did that little hoochie-coochie danced I brought that guy upstairs because I lived above the bar like a fucking whore and I I Would walk down one wiggle and I would wear dresses like this because I didn't want to wear panties. So like imagine this just with no panties.

Starting point is 01:07:49 And I would just like, you know, very tip toe. And I'd bring a guy upstairs and then this guy wanted to- Were you in drag? Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, looking extremely seductive and elegant. Yeah. No panties out of drag? I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, cowboy hat? You walk around your house in a negligee out of drag, you fucking- Raincoat, cowboy hat, no panties out of drag? I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:08:05 Yeah, cowboy hat. You walk around your house in a negligee out of drag. Raincoat, cowboy hat, no panties. No. You've done worse, local crossy. Yeah, that's true. But he wanted me, and this sounded too good to be true, he wanted me to smoke a cigarette while he watched.

Starting point is 01:08:20 And I did a little dance. I mean, this was like- His kink is lung cancer? No, no. No, his kink is lung cancer. No, no. No, his kink is smoking. Smoking finish is actually pretty popular. Especially with the cross dressers. I've seen a lot of that online of just like

Starting point is 01:08:33 MacBook video of someone in a wig just smoking. There's no sex, there's no talking. Yeah, well, so he wanted a little, he wanted some long drags and a little wiggle. Baby, I gave it to him so good because those are the two things I was born to do on this earth. Can I ask you a question?

Starting point is 01:08:50 If you could smoke in theaters, do you think you would be smoking on stage and drag? Baby. She doesn't really smoke anymore, but. I don't. Wait, I have to make a confession. Here we go. Okay, listen.

Starting point is 01:09:04 I killed a guy yesterday. I was driving, it was raining, and I killed a few kids with my car. No, I, I, I, I, there are billboards of me in Times Square, New York City, in and on the subways of Washington, D.C. I swear to fucking God, as a spokeswoman for this anti-smoky or... A smokes woman. Wait, is there an anti... A sm... That... I can't believe they didn't think of that.

Starting point is 01:09:37 What a bunch of fucking assholes. Smokes person. And by the way, your only job was to not smoke till what? The end of Pride? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. job was to not smoke till what? The end of Pride? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 01:09:50 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes I did, and then I succeeded in, I'm not gonna say quitting smoking, but transforming my habit from 35 cigarettes a day, right, to either zero to five. It's amazing. That's amazing. That huge, huge of true. Yeah. However, you know, the thing is, is that they did pay me money and I... You needed it.

Starting point is 01:10:32 I needed it. I had mold. You were a broke woman. I had mold. I had mold. And I, but the guilt that I feel, I feel like I'm out there smoking crack when I have a cigarette. I'm hunched, I got a blanket over me. It's like, I just like.

Starting point is 01:10:50 That's why, can I tell you, there's been times in my life where I have felt chubbier and I feel like I could never do some kind of fitness endorsement, like meal placement endorsement, because you will see me high as hell, crouched over some fruity pebbles, dipping my balls in it. Like you, like I'm not reliable.

Starting point is 01:11:09 I'm not, I'm not able to stay the path forever. Well, no, that's the thing. Because the article will be, she was a fitness, she was a fitness tycoon and you won't believe what she looks like now. You know what I mean? Like that's... Former, former fitness tycoon. Right. Well, struggling drag artist takes a step back. what she looks like now. You know what I mean? Like that's... Former fitness type.

Starting point is 01:11:25 Right, struggling drag artist takes a step back. Of course. She loved that. She loved that. It is, it is this, I like, I don't even need oxygen cause I have that. That is like that, that article sustained my, I don't know what it was.

Starting point is 01:11:41 That was the funniest fucking thing. I was on break and she texted it to me. Mama, her, she took a vacation, a hiatus, a sabbatical from drag in every single news outlet in America and abroad. It was front page news. It was amazing. It was UK news.

Starting point is 01:12:00 I know. Struggling drag star. The BBC. Yeah. The BBC. The BBC. Yeah. The BBC. Yeah. Publicly funded.

Starting point is 01:12:07 Yeah. Like, Christina, Christiane Amanpour, you know, reporting from Yemen and then you eclipsing her with a bigger spread of invasions. And then, but you know, it's been like a domino effect because a lot of the other drag queens are taking breaks. I know, for a lot of them, like, from what? From like what?

Starting point is 01:12:24 Yeah, exactly. From going to brunch, relax. Trying to get a gig. Girl, from shit posting on Twitter, girl. Beefing, what do you think about beefing? I don't see it, I don't get it. But I know that for some people, their presence on the internet, that's like a fun,

Starting point is 01:12:41 it's like playing tennis. It's like a little game. It's a game and they're trying to like, I just don't like it. Listen, I'm becoming very, I'm 43 years old, I'm not that media literate and I am trying to make progress. I don't like it when they get me online.

Starting point is 01:13:00 You know when they do that click bait thing? Like those fucking pieces of shit who'll post a picture of like a modern building and then like a gothic cathedral and they say like, what happened to the world? You know, and then you're supposed to be like, fuck you. And that's what they want you to do because it's engagement bait.

Starting point is 01:13:20 I don't even know, what does that even mean? Do you know what that is? Can you tell it to me? I think in the beauty world they do it where it's like, aren't these lashes amazing? And someone purposely puts on 20 strips, not that I would ever do that. But you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:13:35 They purposely give a bad haircut to a wig and they'll be like, isn't it great? Because they want you to be like, this is awful. This smile changed my life, it's just brown chiclets. Well, did you see that? I don't want to jinx us, but did you see that people are being denied access to the United States for having JD Vance memes on their phone?

Starting point is 01:13:51 No. You guys, if I have publicly at tweeted some of those people so many times and not even like equal, like fairness for all. I've gone to like Donald's Twitter and been like, you look like you smell like shit. Like it's not even, like, do you, do you? And I've done it so many times. The other day I was like, should I purge my,

Starting point is 01:14:20 I don't know what to do. Where do I begin? Girl, I've spent, I think the last four or five things I posted on Twitter is like, directed at a US senator, like, why don't you, um, get the fucking cock out of your mouth, you stupid fucking faggot, and go do some legislation, you piece of shit, gutter bucket motherfucker, hypocritical piece of shit, fat fuck. And then like, And it's crazy.

Starting point is 01:14:46 And I'm like, is this really helpful? I know. Is it really helpful? Yes, he is a fake. He is a secret faggot. Is that everybody's business? Well, right. But imagine if we're at Border Patrol

Starting point is 01:14:58 and they have to go through my phone. Oh my god. The Jasmine Masters memes, like the like, the other shit on my phone is the shit Brittany Broski has sent me. I should go to jail, you know what I mean? Like- Girl, if they went on my phone and they saw the folder

Starting point is 01:15:13 that contains about 117 videos of Jason Momoa's butt in different filters with a mirrored effect, like forward, backwards, forward, backwards, upside down. It's just very... The twin porn. I don't know, too much, too much. Okay. I have to tell you, I got a new one from...

Starting point is 01:15:35 I flew early to Europe so I could participate in some tourism. And I call my mom every day when I get here. So she'd be like, I got here, all right. She doesn't pick up. She can go fuck. The next day, she doesn't pick up. The next day, she doesn't pick up. The next day, she doesn't pick up. Finally, days later, I call Aunt Gooch.

Starting point is 01:15:50 I call my Auntie Gooch. And I go, hey, just letting you guys know I made it okay to Europe. And I hear my mom laughing in the background. And I go, oh, is that my mother in the background? And she goes, yeah, she's here. I go, sounds like everything's cool then. You didn't pick up the phone.

Starting point is 01:16:08 You sure do make the call when you need something, bitch. You know what I mean? And she was like, oh, I was gonna call you, but I just didn't know what time it was. Like, okay, girl. I love that girl. I call her a couple days ago, and I go, hey, how are you? She was like, oh, I can't really talk right ago and I go, hey, how are you?

Starting point is 01:16:25 She was like, oh, I can't really talk right now. I'm going to the bathroom. And I go, oh, okay. Call me after. She doesn't call. What do you feel like, what do you think about bathroom phone calls? Toilet, specifically?

Starting point is 01:16:38 I don't do it. No. I'm not gonna do that. Okay, this is gonna- What do you guys think? Is it okay to be shitting and calling people? I Listen, I I I have I have a quandary a quagmire

Starting point is 01:16:53 so I have a conundrum that I just need help with I just I Since we've been traveling I've been away from the comfort and sanctuary of my home Which is very jarring and to my nervous system, especially my GI tract. So when I go into the airport public bathroom, I have this fear, this very palpable, just visceral fear of whilst I am urinating, there is going to be the loudest, most resonant fart that comes out of my butt.

Starting point is 01:17:26 Like, because, not to get gross, but like I shave my butthole and to the degree that it is like... Like, you know what I mean? Like, if Simon Cowell saw it on stage, he'd be like... You know what I mean, he'd be like... They'd be like, Paul Abdul would press the button or whatever. It's good.

Starting point is 01:17:51 The eject button. No, it was really like, hey, lovely bar home. But when you do that, when you do that, there is an acoustic... There's a change, a sonic phenomenon that occurs and like the tiniest, oh that can't be, you know, you're thinking this is gonna be a tiny little thing, like it's, but it's not like shit or anything like that, but it's so loud and I'm embarrassed. So do you think I should just stop peeing

Starting point is 01:18:26 or just live in my truth? Can I say that I think that- Like would you like- Cause it's not gross, it's not shitty. Like I swear to God, don't ship. I always wear a diaper by the way. I think this has to do more with how you feel about it when it happens. Do you feel embarrassed? Then you should try to spare yourself the embarrassment.

Starting point is 01:18:54 But can I tell you, I've been going... I've been using the same bathrooms as straight men my whole life. These people are, they are blowing noises at warp speed, cracking the ceramic in the bowl, and laughing and grunting while doing it. And girl, not only not latching the door, they take the door off the hinges. No.

Starting point is 01:19:22 And they just have it wide open, they're just like, pfft, ugh, ugh, eeeh, eeeh. Like, it- No, I'm in my little, my little urinal peeing. And it's like, you know, because it's, you know, I take out the diva cup,

Starting point is 01:19:33 I empty it. I'm just doing my thing, right? Over, and the straight guy taking a shit, this is, it's stomp. It's Blue Man Group. It's Riverdance. It's Riverdance.

Starting point is 01:19:44 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I forgot to fucking tell you, when I was in Ireland, I went to fucking Riverdance. Oh you did? Did you love it? How did I, did I not tell you about this? No.

Starting point is 01:19:57 Holy shit. So I was in Dublin, you guys ever heard of it? And I was like, what are we gonna do? Okay, let's go to a river dance, right? So I got tickets and there was two tickets of what do they call it? Obstructed view where it's like the very end. You can't see anything.

Starting point is 01:20:12 No, no, no, no. It's like they technically call it obstructive view. Like you guys on the very end, you might not see me if I was here. So they're like, oh, it's obstructive view. Meanwhile, these fuckers are tap dancing like crack heads this close to you. There is no obsted view. Meanwhile, these fuckers are tap dancing like crack heads this close to you.

Starting point is 01:20:27 There is no obstructed view. It is like black wooden shoes and people who've trained their entire life. Their upper body, everything above the ankle is a dick injected with... Trimix. Trimix, it's a Cialis Viagra. It's a complete dickis Viagra. It's a complete...

Starting point is 01:20:45 Hard, heavy bass. And the feet are tap dancing at 10 million sounds a minute. It was so crazy. Did you have a visceral reaction? Did your body cry out for movement? No. Do you know what I mean? You ever just become like... You know what? mean? Do you ever like, just become like,

Starting point is 01:21:05 you know what, like in Footloose where they just can't help but dance, even though it's illegal. No. No, you didn't have that reaction? It's kind of like how the gay guys feel when they're at a drag show and they're like, I could do that.

Starting point is 01:21:16 It's like, oh, you don't. So I don't know, you know. Sometimes when I watch, when I see choreography that's in sync, I think, oh my God, how do they do that? But that's like the gayest, once you wanna do drag, I'm like, I dare you to try to put even one eyeshadow on your eyelid, bitch, I fucking dare you.

Starting point is 01:21:32 I would love to see it, honey. I would sit over your shoulder and go, ha ha ha ha ha. I thought that was pretty fucking cute, didn't you bitch? Like I would really discourage it. Gay men. Gay men, but Riverdance was, it's 30 yearsage it. Gay men. Gay men. But Riverdance was...

Starting point is 01:21:47 It's 30 years of Riverdance now. It's been going on 30 years. 30 years of all that leg action. And I did some research. Why are you leaving during Riverdance? Yeah. They're like, oh... You have to pee.

Starting point is 01:21:58 All right. You tap dance out of here. She's got to do a... You know. She's gonna come back to win Riverdance, if you know what I mean. But I like how, like, when you peed, you were hiding it, and she went to pee,

Starting point is 01:22:09 and she was, like, cheating out. She was, like, jazz running. Oh, I know! What? This is so ridiculous. The answer was staring me in the face the whole time. While I'm in the bathroom, I throw out a diversion. Right? So I'll just be... I'm just gonna pull my tights up, but keep going.

Starting point is 01:22:32 So imagine I'm pulling my tights down to extract my little teeny tiny teeny little dinky. And then I pee and of course I'm worried about that. So I just go, You'll be grand, you'll be great, Gonna have the whole world on a plate, Starting here, starting now baby, Everything's coming up. And people have just left the bathroom at that point. Or that beautiful songbird mezzo-soprano has drowned out

Starting point is 01:23:05 the sound of my flatulence. Right. So it's really two birds, one stone. People get entertained by my gorgeous songbird voice and I can fart in peace. But can I tell you one of the worst things that can happen is when you're trying to go to the bathroom and you open your TikTok and it's full volume.

Starting point is 01:23:23 Like I'm trying to pee, you guys are the people in the bathroom, I'm at a urinal. Darling, hold my hand. Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday. You know, like it's so crazy. I'm like so embarrassed. And it's always like T.S. Madison.

Starting point is 01:23:40 It's never like, it's always like someone's screaming. Suck a dick, own a business bitch. It's always something immediately wild. Yeah, or it's like, you know, I feel for some reason, I feel like because I have a screen protector shield that it works with volume and it doesn't, just cause you can't see it means you also can't hear it, but that is surely not the case so I

Starting point is 01:24:08 I'll open like you know a porn video will pop up that only I can see but everybody can definitely hear it like oh yeah give me that cock give me that big hot fucking cock and I'm like it's it's embarrassing I honestly... I don't have a good story for Riverdance other than I'm glad I saw it. I was like, wow, it's in Dublin, it's Irish culture, yay, fun. And so many Irish people have emigrated. Is that when you leave? You emigrate from a country. You immigrate into a country, you emigrate from a country, right?

Starting point is 01:24:45 Yeah. Thank you. And I think they're all, so like, we're the country that emigrates the most. I'm like, yeah, the weather, get the fuck out of there. You know what I mean? Like, get out. Get out, get out.

Starting point is 01:24:57 But it was cool, it was amazing. It was wild. Their feet are right here. I've never seen Irish dance. I didn't understand that it is tap dancing on Adderall. I didn't understand. They're doing meth. It's crazy.

Starting point is 01:25:12 It was so cool though, honestly. And then I walked around all around Ireland being like, I saw Riverdance and they're like, yeah, every American does. Like they were not impressed. Do you guys have, is nudity illegal here? It's illegal. So I could walk in the town square totally nude and not get arrested? The the cacha exception? No, no, is it? No, because in San Francisco, for example, you can walk

Starting point is 01:25:44 down the street completely naked, ball stick, and titties out. In San Francisco, you can walk around completely naked. Yeah, no problem. No problem. It's like an 80-year-old man in a Peter Pan outfit and a cock sock. It's never the person you want to see naked, of course. Oh, I tried to hear.

Starting point is 01:26:00 We do have some special Q&As that you guys submitted. Yeah. So we're gonna switch gears slightly, and the infotainment section of the evening has officially started, so let's see. Are we keeping you too long? We normally don't go this long, but we never get to come to Norway, so I just felt like, let's just do it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:17 Yeah. Yeah. She climbed over the chair. Cocaine work. Yes. Superwoman over there. Only last 15 minutes though. Wow.

Starting point is 01:26:30 Okay. Let's see. Oh. Oh my God. This is, oh boy. My blood pressure. Okay. Would you rather have a fat ass or never sweat again?

Starting point is 01:26:44 Did you say have a fat ass or never sweat again? Did you say have a fat ass? No, it asks, the question is, would you rather have a fat ass or never sweat again? Baby. Well, obviously never sweat again because I could technically surgically enhance my butt. But I mean, this is kind of funny actually, because it's, would you,

Starting point is 01:27:08 the things that I would do to never sweat again are so flagrant and so outrageous. Like, I'd blow up a kindergarten. Right. Pfft. You know what I mean? I would kill all of you. I would take the time to individually choke each one of you to death.

Starting point is 01:27:27 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then resuscitate you and then choke you again if I had that opportunity. And then fuck the body, of course, yes. Oh, that's a tough one though. I do have a... You've got a big old butt. I've got a big butt, so I just do no sweating. Everybody wins.

Starting point is 01:27:46 Would you rather have a two inch peeny penis? I don't know why I said peeny. Would you rather have a two inch penis, but always know what time it is? I'll read a question. There's no point in the show where you have to make up questions. Don't stifle my creativity. What are your top three TV shows that you think everyone should watch?

Starting point is 01:28:20 Oh, mama, let's see. Okay, okay, okay, okay, let's see. Okay. Oh. Oh. Comedy or drama, okay, let's see. Okay. Comedy or drama? Let's do this. That's all it says. Okay, we're doing comedies. Okay, comedy, the comeback. The comeback, of course.

Starting point is 01:28:33 You gotta watch the comeback. You gotta watch Veep. You gotta watch Veep. And then you gotta watch Curb Your Enthusiasm or you gotta watch, no no yeah, that's it. Curb, beep, and um, the comeback. And if you want um, ooh, ooh, oh, there was a really good British one where they did a whole segment on pedophilia as a joke.

Starting point is 01:28:57 And it was like, um, this hysteria that they called pedogeddon, um, where pedophiles were like dressing up like schools and like like like to catch children. It's a little dark, it's a little dark in a quiet taste but it's um I think it's called um I don't know something nighty night or something like that? Yeah, that. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Starting point is 01:29:29 I'm gonna say The American Office. I love it. And I would say... You prefer that to the British one? Oh, British is only one season. Mm. Yeah, but it is great. It is special though.

Starting point is 01:29:38 And then Buffy the Vampire Slayer, of course. Oh, yeah. And you know I'm gonna say HBO Watchmen. Oh, totally. You know I'm gonna say it. I don't care. I'm just gonna say it. I would... Oh, so in my dramas would be, um... Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh for three. Would you consider yourselves any of the following? Gay.

Starting point is 01:30:09 I think these are Norwegian words. Tating? What the fuck is that? Am I having a stroke? What is that? Did you see that? What is that? Girl, I don't know what these say.

Starting point is 01:30:23 T-E-I-T-I-N-G? What is that? Girl, I don't know what these say. I don't know. T-E-I-T-I-N-G. What is that? What? I'm gonna skip this one. A dork? Do we look like fucking dorks to you, bitch? Okay, you think all these people came out of their ice shanties to see a dork?

Starting point is 01:30:46 Tating svin or drit hod. I'm assuming it's sexy, hot, or like really sexy. Fly hot, sexy and beautiful. Can you do your best Norwegian accent? Oh, and can you sing the Norwegian national anthem? I actually can do both of those things. Yeah Don't the mic rise for the Norwegian It's not your way it's Norway and it's gorgeous and I love it and we're here and we're great and that's wonderful

Starting point is 01:31:22 baby a cake and we're great and that's wonderful baby cake. It's not my way or the highway or your way, it's Norway. Norway. Norwegian accent, I mean it's hard for me because I'm a Swede and people think it's so similar, but we know that they're very different. It's like when you hear somebody from Sweden, it's like, whoa, you know, really different. But Norway is exactly kind of like this in a slide. I went down to the Royal Palace today. You know, that's kind of- Mine is terrible. Mine, the original accent sounds like that.

Starting point is 01:31:55 I don't know, that sounds like it's just a bunch of rocks in my mouth. That's okay. Trixie, what's one thing you wish you could predict? 9-Eleven. Oh. Oh.11? Oh. Oh. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:32:06 You'd be a hero. Could have saved a lot of lives. Could have been on the news. We just talked about it. I recently had a, I had a, like a- Girl. I had a premonition of somebody, of a group of people dying in a natural disaster

Starting point is 01:32:25 and it happened the next day. And I would like, we talked about it yesterday. I know, but you gotta talk about it again. But I wish I could get them sooner or more frequently so that people would believe me. Cause right now I'm just calling people saying, hey, don't get into Uber today, I had a dream you died. And they're like, okay, weirdo.

Starting point is 01:32:41 Or like when you dream of something and it happened somewhere, but you didn't know about it, it's just your word against the news. You know what I mean? I need, hey, in two weeks at this moment, this is gonna happen. I don't get names. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:32:58 I don't get addresses. I get, and luckily what I do lately is when I have a premonition, I tell someone and then when something happens, I have someone, it's not looking at me like I'm a liar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you two started your own religion, what would the requirements be to join? Oh my God, a side ponytail first of all.

Starting point is 01:33:13 Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, absolutely we would. And listen, this is where we, oh, we have the fiercest hairstyles. So you know those like monks or those ninjas or whatever, they have like, the samurai peoplejas or whatever, they have like, the samurai people, I think, they have like everything shaved except like a big old thing here and they have a long ponytail up there. So we would have everybody would shave their

Starting point is 01:33:36 head except for a big chunk on the side, we'd grow it real, real long. And then we'd put arm armature wire through it. So we'd have a big like you know like solid like a rainbow side ponytail thing would be like okay like yeah and then we would all wear plastic edible pineapple flavored panties oh love that and a nice wool sweater to keep warm and it wouldn't be predatory but it wouldn't be for free yeah that's the other thing. Edible. I mean, just... It would be affordable for a cup of coffee a day.

Starting point is 01:34:09 You know, it would be something so affordable. 69 cents. You know, something to make you think of us. Do you... Were you alive when they did edible panties? Ask yourself. Do you remember when Jessica Simpson did edible makeup? Look it up, faggots. Jessica Simpson did edible makeup. Like, you're really like... Like, you're going to touch up your lipstick and you're like,

Starting point is 01:34:33 I'm hungry. Swear to God. I mean... It's kind of cunty. It's kind of cunty. Alright, fuck, marry, kill, or... Yeah, fuck, marry, kill, Lady Gaga, the hilarious Ross Matthews, or Ginger Minge. Oh, well.

Starting point is 01:34:51 That's a tough one. I'm gonna marry the knight. I'm marrying Lady Gaga. Of course. Of course. Of course. You're fucking deep dick in Ginger, I know that. I think I'm fucking Ross Matthews.

Starting point is 01:35:03 I know you are. And I guess I gotta kill Ginger, but shout out to Love Ginger. Yeah, when he comes, he goes, eh, it's like the Pillsbury Doughboy getting tickled. Right. I put on my cock ring and he's like, who are you wearing?

Starting point is 01:35:22 Oh my God. Imagine Carson and Ross having sex together. Love it. I love it. It would be like a supernova or something. It'd be like so much gay coming together. It would like form a black hole and everybody got sucked in.

Starting point is 01:35:37 Siamo tutti gay. Siamo tutti gay. Do you have any more or no? I have one more. No. Okay, well I guess that's it. Damn. Wait, wait, wait. I have one more. I have one more. No. Okay, well I guess that's it. Damn. Wait, wait, wait, I have one more. I have one more in my head.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Um. Um. Would you rather, no, fuck, marry, kill. Um. Um... Uh... Oh. Um... Do you know who

Starting point is 01:36:10 Stone Cold Steve Austin is? Oh yeah. Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Stone Cold Steve Austin, or The Undertaker? Do you know who The Undertaker is? Pfft. You know, normally with live shows... You want to normally with live shows,

Starting point is 01:36:25 you want to end with like a bang, you know? You want a wow. Wait, are you telling me that dredging up a reference that no one would get? From American wrestling, who no one in America even watches? Yes. So what if instead of that, they play the pod music and she and I runway while you guys clap and we leave. How about that?

Starting point is 01:36:50 Yes. Yes. But wait, wait. I'm sorry, I have to do this. I know we're short on time, but I have to share with you the progress that I'm making on the only goal that I have had for the last year, which is trying to get into a center split.

Starting point is 01:37:06 It's not great progress, but I do feel like people need to know that is really fun. So it's basically the frog pose. Okay, that's all I have and then... Wow. That's, I mean, it's, it's gonna happen, happen sometime, maybe sometime I'll split. Oslo, get your hip replacement today. Yay!

Starting point is 01:37:45 Okay. Okay. Ladies, gentlemen, if you can, stretch those hips out and get that pussy on the floor. Do you realize the joy that I will feel when I finally get that, when I feel the taint touch the rug? It's over for you, hoes.

Starting point is 01:38:02 It's gonna be over. You guys, thank you so much for having us here at the program. Thank you so much. Love you so, so much. Thank you, thank you, hoes. It's gonna be over. You guys, thank you so much for having us here at the program. Thank you so much. Love you so, so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Mwah. Mwah.

Starting point is 01:38:11 Thank you. Mwah. Oslo, the greatest city in the world! Love you, love you, good night. Mwah. We love you, fuckers! Cheers! Thanks for watching!

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Land of a Thousand Fjords: Live from Norway with Trixie and Katya!

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