The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Queen Mary's Evacuee Jerk Game with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

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Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music, and it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies, cellos, from streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. We're rolling. They see me rolling, they hate it.

Do people know that song still? I hope so. Riding dirty? Riding dirty? Well, do they know about when I... Excuse me, Peanut Gallery. Penis Gallery. Yeah. When I take my Riding dirty, well, do they know about when I, excuse me, peanut gallery. Penis gallery. Yeah, when I take my thong off, my ass goes, turn the lights down so you can see what I could do.

Cut the lights on. Cut the lights on. She is, I love that. I love that expression. Cut the lights on. She's cunty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also love in that song, Gossip Folks,

she has this lyric about like, you know, people trying to talk about her. And she says, step to me, get burnt like toast. Ooh. You can smell it. Ooh. You can smell it. Love, love pink.

Love pink. Isn't it crazy that Thorgy has been revitalized from the ground? I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Her corpse has been exhumed. I came back from break and everyone was like, love pink. And I was like, are.. And I was like, are-

What? I was like, same. I mean, like we all, na na na na. You know, we also revitalized. Pink now is selling those giant rubber bands. Pink has, oh yes. Wait, she's what? She's selling those giant rubber bands

to fling yourself around like Flirty Girl Fitness. Swear to God. Like TRX. I'm kidding. Do try this at home. Could you imagine? Local woman hung herself on accident from giant, giant pink rubber band. Local woman crashes into barbecue on Memorial Day.

Two towns over. The next time we do Trixie and Katya Live, we have to do a pink section where we have a fake dummy of us. Flung. The whole show is called of us flung. Section, section. The whole show is called love, pink, love comma pink. Love, pink. Wait, wait, we got to pour one out for the homie. What happened?

David Lynch died. God. Yeah. David Lynch, a tour filmmaker, head of his time, once in a lifetime, or I would say once in a century, talent. Damn. Yeah.

Died in 78. I've only seen one David Lynch item. That's okay. It was Eraserhead. Is that right? With chubby cheeks. I watched it in college. My roommate showed it to me. Freshman year, first week, the movie ended. I said, okay, we are different people. Okay, no, no, no.

So, Eraserhead is a famously weird movie. However, it's actually good. Like I, I know about movies, okay? I've seen the good ones. I've seen the bad ones. I've seen the weird ones. I've seen the regular movies. I've seen the good ones. I, I know about movies, okay? I've seen the good ones, I've seen the bad ones, I've seen the weird ones, I've seen the regular ones.

But have you seen Amelia Perez? Yeah! You know what's gonna, this is the problem. The Grinch who stole my Christmas. Can I say before we rip into Amelia Perez, I just wanna say, the problem is you and I have gotten so accidentally famous that now when we talk about shit,

something in the universe, we will run into those people. So if we shit on anybody in this movie or the plot of it or anything, if we shit on the wig, the wig person will show up next week at a gay bar and be like, you talked about me. Let me tell you who I'm gonna shit on. I will say this about Amelia Perez, which I have watched twice against my will at this point.

I watched it on Christmas, I know we've already talked about this, watched it on Christmas, I could not believe how my will at this point. I watched it on Christmas. I know we've already talked about this. Watched it on Christmas. I could not believe how spectacularly bad it was. Not bad in a showgirls kind of campy bad way, bad in a boring bad way. Very boring. Very, very boring.

Zoe Saldana, Carla, I forget her name, the trans actors, they are all talented actors. Yes, they are. Of course they are. This movie is the biggest stinker in recent memory. Why is it a musical? We don't know. Well, didn't she say that it beat Golden Globe?

Toons, she has none. It beat Wicked for a Golden Globe for Best Musical. No, I did not see Wicked. I didn't see Wicked, it's not my cup of tea. I would rather watch Wicked every day for the rest of my life than have to talk to Miss Amelia Perez again. Girl.

It is so bad. I made you watch the Cliff's Notes last night. What I want is to sit with, hi Cynthia, Cynthia Rivo. I want her to sit in a room and watch Amelia Perez for the Golden Globe she didn't get and be like. Oh yeah, because those claws are gonna grow and they're gonna scratch. Well, they're not long enough.

That French fucks, oh God, and they're gonna scratch. That French man's, that French fucks, oh God, Jacques O'Diard. Here's the really distressing part. This is a project that is loaded with talent. Selena Gomez, Carla Sofia, I forget what her name is, sorry. Zoe Saldana, the choreographer, Damien Jouvet. Acclaimed, modern, yes. Incredible.

But what happened? What happened? Something happened on the way to the laundromat. We need to talk about Kevin. And all those clothes came out shitty. We need to talk about Amelia. Katya came to my house last night. Well, Andrew texted and said, hey, Katya wants me to watch this movie and I know she wants you to watch it.

So should I just come to your house so we can get over with? I said, sure. So you came with and she laid on my couch like this and watched the movie. Yeah, and I, listen, I sat, me and three other people on Christmas Day sat through all two hours and changed this fucking movie. We ended up doing dishes by the end

because it was just too much. But it was, I gave them the Cliff's Notes last night. The only camp moment was, of course, the Bangkokiffs Notes last night. The only camp moment was of course, the Bangkok Sex Change musical. The Sex Change musical. Vaginal Plasty. Yes. Very nice to meet you.

I wondered about sex change operation. From man to woman, a woman to man, man to woman. From penis to vagina. From penis to vagina. Would you like a phalloplasty? Yes. Would you like a mammoplasty? Yes.

That was so crazy. It was so crazy. We just do the joke. Would you like a Fowlplusty? Yes. Would you like a Mammoplusty? Yes. That was so crazy. It was so crazy. But in, in bizarrely, that didn't continue. As soon as you were like on board with that ridiculousness, it was over and back to boring. I know. I'm trying to find a clip of it on YouTube.

Oh, here it is. Yeah. Rita? Huh? So they're in Bangkok. Yeah. Hello, very nice to meet you. I'd like to know about sex change operations.

I see, I see, I see. Man to woman, or woman to men. Man to woman. From penis to vagina. So is it for you? Is it for you? For me. For me.

No. What would you like Is it for you? For me. What would you like to know about it? Ma-da I want to know it all What is the protocol? The techniques and the risks How many appropriations? How much time do you need?

The casting call was musical. Can you sing? Vaginoplasty Yes Rhinoplasty Yes Laryngopllasty. Yes. Mammoblasty. Yes.

Vaginoblasty. Yes. Rhinoblasty. Yes. Laryngoblasty. Yes. Control laryngoblasty. And then she's like, what is that?

Adam's apple production. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That, I want to see Cynthia Arrevo watch that clip as it wins best Oscar, like an Oscar for best whatever. I want to see her face in those claws. Now we're not laughing. By the way, we're not laughing at the idea of sexual gender confirmation surgery.

Of course not. No, no, no, no, no, no. Culturally and my gripes with this movie have nothing to do with Mexico, with trans identities. No. None of that. I'm interested in this movie have nothing to do with Mexico, with trans identities. No. None of that. I'm interested in this movie as a flop, as a complete and utter fucking flop. And listen, I come from the drag queen school of singing,

right? It's negotiable. Ain't nobody sing that movie. I wouldn't say these are quite singers. No, they have- I may not be a singer. I may not be an actor. I may not be a director. I may not be a choreographer, but I'm still Amelia Perrelle. They said, I may not be a director. I may not be a choreographer, but I'm still Amelia Perez.

They said, you're going to whisper off key. That's what they, that was the direction. Y'all going to whisper off key. You know, usually when you leave a musical, you go like, like you leave Wicked being like, squish, sick, something. Or Good Morning Baltimore. This, this, all the songs are, ah, ah, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Just like hushed, growly. I wonder how good it is, you gotta tell me that I'll be good, good, or so, and I'll fake my death and can't resign if you can't understand my sin, and I'm a necessarily, I'm a certainly not a, that's the music. No, no, no, no, that is, that was a word for word

recreation of the film. I couldn't believe it, and I thought you were kind of being funny, because sometimes you get really anti-shit and I think maybe you get over board. Whipped up. Yeah, totally. But this is justified in my opinion. Have you Googled the reviews?

There's a lot of positive reviews. Sweetie, I was online trolling. I was trolling today because- Me trying to hack into the letterbox. Me trying to hack into Rotten Tomatoes to make some changes. I think it was Variety or something, some news outlet said, Amelia Perez is bad.

Why is it winning so many awards? And I was like, that's right, boop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Because everybody in the comments was like, actually, it's amazing. I was like, oh, Macy and Data have, they are so funny in their discussion. Of course they- Oh, they don't like it either?

Okay, then I feel good. Well, I mean, the way that they describe... Well, they're more reliable narrators on maybe the subject matter than we are. You know what I mean? I mean, the way that they talk... I mean, it's so funny, their descriptions. I mean, they're like,

this is a movie made by a man who discovered trans last week. Right. And I'm not saying that they're qualified because they're trans. I'm saying because they were in the Mexican cartel. Right? Of course. They're both high ranking cartel members who faked their own deaths and then became trans. I want to be in the room. I want to watch it with them and Cynthia.

Yes. Well, the thing is, on paper, I was so excited to see this movie. I was so excited to see it. On paper, I was like, what? It sounds outrageous, ridiculous, too wild to be true. And then you realize that the most outrageous, the most insane plot turned out boring. Very boring. Very boring. Like a rat searching around for some entertainment. Yeah. And then to me, the ending where they, spoiler,

most of the main characters all die. So that's good. Had a French novel vibe. But also like, it was this like overwrought, drawn out shootout scene and like... And no one gets shot. Nobody gets shot. And then they end up in a car with,

she's in the trunk and then she's misgendered and then they follow the cliff and then boom. And then that's that horrible parade that was filmed by like a BBC intern at the end. It was like, what the? There was no artistry to this movie. It was rotten. It's tough.

And on David Lynch's death day. I know. Well, he saw the movie and was like, it's over. He's like, it's a wrap. Right. No, I mean, it's truly breathtakingly horrible. And I'm not a huge fan of musicals, but I would rather see Wicked.

I'd rather play Wicked every minute of the rest of my life. I had no major aversion to seeing Wicked. I just was kind of, it'll happen when it happens. Yeah. And then I did see it. And I said, wow, it really was wonderful. Yeah. Musicals to me are cute, corny.

So, but this was something else. Did I tell you what I said to Cynthia Rivo? Did I already tell her this? You talked it to Cynthia Rivo? Did I not tell you this already? Okay, yes, I was at the Outwood 100 Awards because I was named Business Mogul of the Year. And Cynthia was there being honored for, you know,

inventing gayness pretty much at this point, right? Being just the gay Statue of Liberty of the Year for sure. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna, I think I did tell you this. Oh. But I forgot about it. That doesn't sound like me. But I forgot about it, obviously.

So the woman, I think, okay, so the woman. Let's do it again. The woman who is the reporter who is like, I've been holding space. Yes. Did I say about this? She rode that till the wheels fell off. Okay, so the woman, I think, okay, so the woman... Let's do it again. The woman who is the reporter who is like, I've been holding space. Yes. Did I say about this? She rode that till the wheel fell off. Okay, so she was there, and she and I were waiting to get to the dressing room,

and they were not sure about her credential or my credential, and I said to the security guard, I said, you better hurry up, she's in queer media. That's funny. And the woman goes, ah... Hi, Trixie. I was like, hello.

Did she... I forgot her name. Can you look up her name? That's horrible. It's, um, it's a Barbara, Barbara. It is Tracy, isn't it? It's Gil Christ, isn't it? Okay. Tracy Gil Christ.

Hi Tracy. She was in this white suit. She looked great. And so we both get in there. And then Cynthia's in there. And I'm waiting to DJ, because I also am DJing at the event. I'm catering. I'm doing it all, right?

You're taking blood samples. If I'm going to be honored as the business mogul, I'm going to find a way to make money at this event. So I go up to her and I go, I didn't know what to say to Cynthia, and she came up to me. And I was nice. Really? Yes.

And so I was scared to say hi, but she said hi to me first, which was helpful. She's not like you, she made that very clear. Just kidding, just kidding. I'm not a white devil tweaker. No, but guess what I fucking said to her? Well, first of all, she is the bald and the beautiful, right?

She should be here, not us. I know, it's funny. And second of all, I panicked, and guess what I fucking said to her, I panicked and I go, it's gonna be a great year. What the fuck does that mean? A, of course it is, you're in Wicked.

She already had a great year. This is not about to be a great year in many ways. Right. So I was like, Are you black, queer, woman? Yeah, but I meant like, congrats on your success. Yes, yes, yes. But I meant like, congrats on your success. Yes, yes, yes.

But I was trying to say it in a not that way. And instead I said, it's gonna be a great year. And I don't know what she said, cause I blacked out and then all night I was DJing, like it's gonna be a great year. Under her breath she was like, yeah, for Amelia Perez. Girl, oh, she looked excellent and it was great, but it was...

Wild. Anyway, you should see Wicked, it really was amazing. I'll catch it on streaming. Miss Cynthia loves the girls. should see wicked it really was amazing i will i'll catch it on streaming miss synthia loves the girls streaming no i'll catch on streaming this episode is sponsored by zoc doc hello everyone are you familiar with the is this normal rabbit hole if you've ever woken up from an afternoon nap with a funky symptom like a swollen itchy eye, a rash on your left butt cheek in the shape of Alaska, or newly sprouted superfluous third nipple on your shoulder,

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Zocdoc.com slash bald. Hi, it's Trixie and today's Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Marley Spoon. No, that is not some random drag queen that you know from down the way. Marley Spoon is a lot more exciting than a random drag queen. So starting this year, I... If you guys have followed me, which I'm sure you have, because you're here listening to me right now in your car on the road

or in your home washing the dishes, you know that I just got out of a very messy re-relationship with food because when I get really stressed like last year, my entire appetite, my commitment to like, you know, a food pyramid, all that just falls apart. When I get stressed out, my like hunger, like getting hungry naturally can kind of turn off and then I'll forget to eat and then all of a sudden I feel weak or tired or I'm losing weight for no reason. It's really like a vicious cycle and I'm trying to build better eating habits because as I'm rebalancing my work and life, which is my focus, I'm either working like a wild person or

relaxing so much and eating like a maniac but I'm trying to like even all that out and I found Marley Spoon into this change the way I cook at home. Because honestly, I would definitely love to cook, but not always, let's say, meal plan it in a way that's like balanced. And that's where I really lose myself. This podcast is sponsored by Marley Spoon and I'm excited because it's going to help me fast track my eating without all the stress. Because with the code bald, you can get up to 27 free meals. Here's what I love. Marley Spoon gives you a hundred recipes to choose from each week.

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My favorite meal I tried recently, you guys, I don't want to be a person who's a liar, but I have never liked mushrooms. But in the past like six months, I'm really coming around. So I've been like really into that as a vegetarian because it almost is like it can be the whole star of a meal. I tried this thing called a mushroom ravioli baleurentine. It was delicious. It tasted like um it was like a creamy kind of ravioli situation with little pieces of like vegetable in it with a little bit of cheese on it. It was delicious. This new year fast-track your

way to eating well with Marley Spoon. Head to marlyspoon.com slash offer slash bald and use the code bald for up to 27 free meals. That's right. Up to 27 free meals with Marley Spoon. One more time. That's marlyspoon.com backslash offer backslash bald for up to 27 free meals. And make sure you use my promo code bald. So they know I sent you. Andrew Yang is completely obsessed with me watching Baby Girl and I obstinately refuse

to go to the theater to watch it. Can I ask, it's erotic thriller with Nicole Kidman. Why won't you? You've seen much worse shit in the theater. You saw Terrifier like 12 times. Sweetie, the terrier three slapped, okay? The slapped. This one is, this is a home watch.

I don't know why. Cause you wanna be able to yank it. Jerk. Jerk. To jerk. You wanna be sitting home in the wig. I wanted my unit on, my string bikini, my American flag panties. Yeah. I wanna flick it.

Wait, we did a podcast episode where we were fleeing Los Angeles. You guys, I got, give me my phone. This is really an audio podcast, which I guess they all are. Yes. But let me show you guys, we're fleeing Los Angeles. This bitch is listening to her nasty Russian tweaker music

in the car, but this song was the craziest song to flee L.A. to. Oh, song was the craziest song to flee LA to. Oh, was that the, oh, Hashi, it's Anakow, the Ukrainian one. Yeah, yeah. So imagine we're trying to leave Los Angeles in a hurry. It's very tip toe. It's very tip toe. Honestly, this is what Amelia Perez should have did. That's what Amelia Perez tried to do.

Get the beat drop. This is when you're trans and escaping the cartel. Get the beat drop. So imagine her driving while people are fleeing with dogs and masks on. I got wigs and teeth shoes in the back. Girl, we got the wigs and the teeth. And when I'm trying to use my iPhone to record a pod while you're jumping over medians. Two bags of blue chips, gone. Salsa, gone.

Ate it up on the Queen Mary, ate that shit. Ugh. We recorded getting to the Queen Mary, but we didn't tell people about staying on it. Yeah. I'm drooling. I get really excited. So I just thought it was funny that like a week before the fires,

people we know and work with were like, I'm just going to get out of the country for a few weeks because of the wind. And I was like, okay, crazy. Yeah, it's like when it rains, people have anxiety attacks. In LA, are you kidding? Half inch of rain, call out of work. Call out of work, 100%.

Taking a sabbatical. But then, of course, you and I are fleeing the fucking city because, so we stay on the Queen Mary, you guys, and we get there, and it's a dead ass ship. It's a ship, it's supposedly haunted. And this is the real kicker. So I currently hate my house, okay? And because one of the reasons is super thin walls,

crepe paper walls, it's condo. And my neighbors and I, we know exactly what we're doing at every time of the day. Because we can hear each other like, really? Yeah, it sucks. And so when we went, when we fled to the Queen Mary, I was like, please God, burn this condo down and let me get a couple nights on this ghost ship

all to myself, privacy, so I can jerk it. So I can jerk it and have no, have nobody hear me. How much, wait, wait, wait. Mama, what is that? How much noise are you making? No, I'm talking, yeah. Ah! I'm like Nicole Kimmel in Baby Girl.

Ah! She does that apparently. But what is the first thing that that fucking bitch at the, she says fur babies? No, she says fur babies. You got any fur babies? I was like, excuse me, what now? Girl, I'm in line behind her at the desk. And of course she has to check in first because

I gotta go jerk it. If she can't get to her hotel room to lay in bed and eat chips and touch herself, we're all going down, right? Tea. Tea. So I'm behind her at the counter and the girl at the counter has a huge bow in her hair, which I approve of an eccentric bow. Sure.

Little makeup. She had cool lashes. She had cool makeup on. So I thought, you know what? She's going to recognize us. We're going to blow her mind. She's going to give us the presidential suite. Nothing.

Nothing. We are nothing. She goes home to nothing and nothing. She, we, she goes home to nothing and nothing. So she goes, do you guys have any fur babies? Me? I would have gone, oh, internally, I would go, I hate that word, but I'm not trying to interact. So no, like she goes, what? I was like, and the lady goes fur babies. And she goes, babies of fur. Like you were like, you made her explain fur babies. And I was like, I felt like that was justified. It was like, my children are hairless. They get waxed every month.

But it was people fleeing LA. So people had, you know, Springer spaniels and baby Burens. Well, Mary, I thought it was a dog show on the Queen Mary. Girl. No, I thought it was a Queen Harry Kennel Club. I really did. I was like, why does every single person

have one or two dogs? Or two. More dogs than people. It was Noah's Ark does every single person have one or two dogs? Or two. More dogs than people. It was no, it was dark. No, it seriously was though. We're not exaggerating. And the second thing that bitch says to me, that lovely girl, excuse me, says to me was... She was lovely. She said, just so you know, the rooms are extremely thin wall.

No, no, no. So you can hear what your neighbor is doing as like perfect. Yeah. Love that. She also goes, so you're staying on not just a hotel, it's a little more like a museum, which means you can't really control the air conditioning or the heat. And I said, perfect. What what museum are you going to? What like

Salem, which hut museum that has no air conditioner heat? Listen, there's a mannequin in every room with an alcoholic nose. And you know, I think you probably had my room. It was a huge room. It was like an apartment. Two bathrooms and a living room. It was like a, yeah, it was a beautiful accommodation, honestly. It was.

Yeah, except the people who were on each side of me, mama, we were in the same room. Yeah. I was like, hi, Alice. Hey, Cameron. There was kids next door to mine, and I kept walking by the thin wall and going, sounds like they was kids next door. I was like, hi Alice. Hey Cameron. There was kids next door to mine and I kept walking by the thin wall and going, sounds like they got kids next door.

Just so like hopefully they would hear me. I had a straight couple like on the fritz. Straight couple on the fritz. I feel like you just don't see me. Shut up Becky. How do you think that affected my jerk game? Not well. Let's take a break.

Let's take a break. I also thought it was funny on this machine, this hut. I thought the plane, the boat had good Wi-Fi. Did it? And you know what hotels you got to put in your social security number. I hate all that. And somebody else makes our reservations for hotels,

so we don't know what last name the room is under. Sometimes it's under Mattel, who knows? And it was just straight out just public Wi-Fi you connected to. I was like, love that. Yeah, it's that boat, that boat, that boat, boat internet. Well, these hotels put their internet

behind such crazy security. Who's stealing all the hotel internet? I don't know. When you check into a hotel, do you get the super crazy fast premium, super expensive three day bonanza internet? Well, I just think it's funny that at normal hotels, it's not more money, but at fancy hotels it's fucking $15 a day, honey.

Sweetie, the Four Seasons kind of cost you 80 bucks a day to get online. 80 bucks a day. To load one pixel at a time. You want a croissant for breakfast? That's $75. $75. $20 room charge. You love the Four Seasons.

I think it's funny that everybody probably thinks that I'm this princess in the P, Trixie's so rich, Trixie's so bougie, if it was up to me, I'd be at the fucking best Western, gnawing on a bag of nachos. But Miss Boo Boo over here, she's got us. Fancy cars, swimming pools, movie stars, Four Seasons, room service, massages, hookers, girls. Cocaine. I'm so sick of it, being misrepresented. I may beages, hookers, girl. Cocaine.

I'm so sick of it being misrepresented. I may be rich, but I'm cheap. Give me, let me, you know what? I'm gonna change my tune real quick now because it's like, because I don't care about the four seasons. I don't care about the Ritz-Carlton. Give me cement walls and soundproofing.

And I will live in a Roach Motel. Padded room sounds great. Mama. Matches at every turn. Why am I Googling how to soundproof my, my, um, my closets? Why am I Googling that? How do I want? Why am I Googling how to turn my bedroom into a recording studio where I record nothing?

Why am I have a realtor getting me ready to move? Boop. Well, somebody, you know, with the fires and everything, my realtor reached out, our realtor and said, you know, people need housing right now if you really want to... It's hairy up there. Well, they told me if I want to stay in Milwaukee for a while, they're like, you could rent your house

to people who need a house. Yeah, gouge them. Gouge those poor victims. I was going to say, not donate. It would be renting the home. Yeah, gouging victims. Shut up. Taking advantage of people who have lost everything. Fine, you can come into my house, but you have to sleep in the bed with me.

You just have to fuck me. In the morning, you have to take that margin and rub it on my legs. Oh, there's no rent. It's just fucking me. There's no rent. It's all under the table or on the table, however you want. Under the table and up. My ass. No, no, no. So listen. Horny type stuff.

Listen. Horny type stuff. Listen to what's not horned. I'm going to tell you what's not horned. Are you horned? Not really. Let me tell you why. Because of the intimacy that these strangers and I have.

At the home. Yeah. And for about three minutes, I lived downtown and I had cement walls. Great for a tweaker. Because you can scream all day and nobody hears you. And it reverberates, it feels like someone's there. It's like, it was literally like a padded, it was, you couldn't hear shit.

Cement walls loft, you know what I mean? I remember. Yeah. I was there. I stopped by and dropped off some food once. It was very nice of you. I do remember that actually. But so, and then I had a house,

a freestanding house in the hills. I remember that. Took a huge bath on. But now I'm wistfully recalling that, or reminiscing about that shitty place because of the privacy. I liked that house. What did you not like about it?

Well, it wasn't so much what I didn't like about it. It was that I made some... So I, in the real estate department, I've made every single bad decision you can possibly make. Right. So that's what I'm doing. That's my drag. That's what I'm up to.

That's my drag. That's my tea. You say that's my drag? That's my drag. Is fucking up every real estate decision. That's my drag. You got a shitty house? As queer people, as queer people,

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Your cash back really adds up. Not to be whatever, but being able to even afford to make a real estate mistake is a lovely blessing. And you sound ungrateful. And I think people at home would like you to apologize. Uh-oh. I apologize for being fat, ugly, broke, nasty. No, I'm going to rent bitch.

Boop. Watch me rent. Watch me rent. What's going to happen to your condo now? Watch me rent. Rent what? Something. You can rent my house.

I'm renting my house right now. Please. Oh my god. $20 a day. I can't let you in there. Yes, you can. I let you in there for like two hours yesterday. That was too much.

Sweet mama, I ate you out of house and home. Can I tell you guys what this fucking faggot did? I go right to the fridge to get the grapes. This is what I did. Girl, I went and got, we got donuts from Krispy Kreme. I bought her full fat Coca Colas. I got her Cornishons, the $13 ones. The Cornishons, darling, honey, baby,

I ate all them cornichons All your grapes Because I put out a I put out Wisconsin sharp cheddar a Gouda a spreadable borson All of the potential chips what they got little celery items I cut up vegetables this bitch goes into fridge, takes groceries out of my fridge and asks for a doggy bag. She took groceries from my home and asked for a doggy bag to take home. Sweetie, I'm struggling.

Mike, she ate through all the offered food. My auto insurance is in collection, sweetie. Do you remember Ms. Foreclosure? She's back. She's back. This is her drag daughter. This is her drag daughter from the legendary house of closure. Sweetie! Do you remember Miss Foreclosure? She's back. She's back! This her drag daughter. This her drag daughter from the legendary house of closure.

We've got Miss Collection. Miss Auto. So what happened? So here's the thing. I got this shitty Lexus, whatever. And you were in it. The shitty Lexus. It's not shitty, it's just not a Range Rover.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, here's the thing is, again, if there's a large purchase, I will fuck it up. Here's how it did that. It's not shitty, it's just not a Range Rover. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no a full car wreck. But that's right. So the, so this car that I don't particularly care for, whatever, I Lexus, no, no, no, it's just, it was the model, everything in the interior is like, oh, this sucks. Do you name the car? No, I'm not.

What about Michelle? I don't, I don't like that. Lexus, Michelle. That's funny. No, I don't. So what's going on with the foreclosure, Blue? So Allstate, Progressive. You know about her? You know about them? So I thought, I was like, oh my gosh, you know what?

I'm such a nanny. I signed up for two separate auto insurances. I got to figure out which one to cancel. So I called Progressive. They're like, yeah, you don't have an account with us, ho. I was like, OK, so it must be Allstate. I call Allstate. I'm like, yeah, we have no record of your account

because it's been in collection since October. I think you owe about $2,600, and you're going to have to go through the collection agencies in order to get your policy reinstated. Thank you very much, and have a lovely day. Click. Damn. Yeah.

So now I get to call the collection people. Why do they make it all so difficult? Has not affected my credit score. Your bills has been affected young man. What? Your bills has been affected young man. Have you ever seen that clip of Boston CEO? You have been promoted.

You know her? There's this other clip where she goes, your bills has been affected young man. And I love her. I love corporate errands who. Yeah, she's amazing. The manager for manager McManagement. Oh my God.

I- People keep talking on our agenda. So many things happened surrounding that for me, which was, remember when my fucking condo in Milwaukee got repossessed. Wait, wait, wait, sweetie, we're not done with Amelia. We're not done with Amelia Perez. So just a little button, a little button on Ms. Perez.

I know that award shows are political. I presume that many of these awards are purchased. I know that... Unless we ever win one, then it's 100% talent owned because we didn't have the money to purchase it. You know, there have been many upsets, many flops, many flubs in the awards, awards show history that is all well known.

And it's not always the best film that wins or the best performance, you know, that we all know. This movie, this film, she's got no business up in that award system. She got no business. Herbie 2 fully loaded, released on Blu-ray recently. That should have been up for Best Musical. It's from like 20 years ago. Doesn't matter. Well, I'm mad. Yes, I have so much more. So I had to go... Okay, I'm done. Do you remember when I'm done? Do you remember my condo was in foreclosure or whatever

because I didn't pay the property taxes? This is very relatable to all our consumer customers. I just paid mine this year for that property. Not bad. $2,000 for my apartment in Milwaukee. OK. For the year? 400 square foot.

It's one room. You know how many square foot I got in this fucking shit box? 2,100. How much is that property tax? Probably a good 20. I don't think I've paid it yet. Something crazy. I think if you have crepe paper walls, you don't have to do the tax.

20. You don't have to do the tax if it's crepe paper walls. Pinata walls. Pinata walls made from the material that's bees nests. Papier mushy. Yeah. Bees nests, birch bark. Honeycomb. We got honeycomb, honey, bee's nest, birch bark.

Honeycomb, we got honeycomb, honeycomb ceiling. It's somehow an amplifier. There's a microphone on their side, the speakers to your side. The vents are just megaphones. Yeah, megaphones. Oh girl, I had to go to the DMV and there's signs. Oh, we eatin' tonight, we eatin'.

There's signs up that say we do not accept tips or gratuities or gifts. Because I guess some people go to the DMV and go like, hey, I don't want to take that driver's test. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I don't know what they're doing. Let's see what George Washington has to say about it. They slip him a one. Do you think it's because like the super celebs go in there

and try to hand over $500 and be like, can I just get the line? Of course, probably. That's what I used to do at Dorsey's. Is there and try to hand over $500. Can I just skip the line? Of course, probably. That's what I used to do at Dorsey's. Is there a secret celebrity DMV? Yes. There is? Yeah. How do we get that?

I don't know. You ask fucking Kathy Griffin or fucking Michelle Obama or whatever. I texted Kathy because I was like, she lives in Malibu. She's got a note. So the fire is, I was like, are you OK? No, she's OK. She said, she, she told me she could, she was, I was okay.

No, I mean, as much as we love to talk, I, I don't think it's funny. The fire is not funny. It's not funny when anybody loses their house. I don't care how rich they are. I don't care how much stuff they have. It's, I think it's actually, nobody's sad about the things that burned.

I think it's the sadder part is the thought of your home base is gone. Mary, Seth Bogart. Girl, Seth Bogart, I know. My friend Ethan's sister, everything, gone. Let's do, Seth Bogart, our friend, Wacky Wacko, a great artist, go to Wacky Wacko and support the dolls

because his work is really wonderful. Yeah, my friend Ethan, his sister's a huge fan of mine. Palisades, gone, nothing, boop, all of it, all of their dead mom stuff, gone. It's just like so sad. It's sad. And meanwhile, I'm hoping and praying that those fire lick every bit of my honeycomb walls

so I can just move on. Well, it's a condo, so what if other people are in the building and die? No, they, I say we, boop, boop, I do the whistle. Of course, everybody hears me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, they, I say we, boop, boop, I do the whistle. Of course, everybody hears me. Ha, ha, ha, because of the thin walls. Everyone should go. Well, you know, like clockwork today, we had the lovely, I was so glad I was at home

to witness it. Whenever the leaf blower comes, it sets off the fire alarm. Love that. I hate that. For a good two and a half minutes, ear piercing screech. Can I tell you what happened to the DMV? So you guys know that I've been trying to get my license, right? So I'll tell you what happened.

And I'm trying to get a license because I'm trying to get a car for Brandon and I to drive around for work. And I'm desperately interested in getting an RV. Yes. And I want to be able to drive it. So strange. Yeah, OK. So I want to get that too, right?

So, but by the way, if I had an RV, we could have fled LA with no problem. Nowhere to stay, no problem. No problem? We could have stayed on the highway, driving that So, but by the way, if I had an RV, we could have fled LA with no problem. Nowhere to stay, no problem. No problem. We could have stayed on the highway, driving that bus, getting killed. We would have been fine. Who's going to fuck with me? Drunk drivers? We ride on a tour bus.

At our peril. You don't think about death every night when you get in that bunk? Not at all. Never crossed my mind. So basically, I go to the DMV and I've had a Wisconsin driver's license. When did it expire? Nine years ago. So I go in and they go, do you have your actual copy?

I said, no, I only have a picture. Because it was so long ago. I don't know where my copy of my driver's license from 2016. I don't know where it is. So I say, I have a picture of it. And they go, well, you need to either obtain your Wisconsin driving record to prove that you were a driver or retake the driving test.

So they say, first thing you need to do is take the written. So I go take the written. And I studied for it. I got so many wrong. I got so many. Can I ask you some of the ones that I got wrong? Yes, please. If you have something hanging, like if you have a flatbed truck, if you're hauling a load that's wrong. I got so much. Can I ask you some of the ones that I got wrong? Yes, please. If

you have something hanging, like if you have a flatbed truck, if you have, if you're hauling a load that hangs four feet or more off the back of the truck, what is the protocol to what is multiple choice? So give me the two smalls. One was turn on the hazards. So, okay. One was I'm, but I'm not, I'm behind this. If you're driving, if you're driving, if it's your car with the load, I don't do that. Oh, mom, I don't do that. But it's in the question. OK. OK, you either have to turn on the flashers, your hazards,

or wrap it with a yellow or orange ribbon or fabric. Or the other option was just drive really slow. I don't remember that question. That's what I'm saying. So I put hazards. You have to wrap it in orange or yellow. Of course you gotta wrap it. You gotta wrap that shit.

So I didn't know that. And the other one was... I was gonna say all of the above. When is it appropriate to leave a kid, a young child in a car? Never! Well, the options were never. Never.

With an adult. It's never. With an adult. It's never. But to me, with an adult is not leave them in the car. They're with an adult. That adult could be the killer. Right. It's never. I got, like with an adult is not leave them in the car. They're with an adult. That adult could be the killer. Right.

I got, I got like, so I got more than three wrong. So then I got four, five, six, seven wrong. And then I think like eight wrong. And then at the end it said, you passed. And I said, oh, boop. Well, how about Miss Never Took Driver's Ed? Whoop. Whoop. You just took the test?

Never. No, I got my license when I was 18. Shit. I thought it was going to be able to get a license No, I got my license when I was 18. Shit. Yeah. I thought I was going to be able to get a license today, but I had to. So you passed. I passed the written. Love wins.

Love wins. Thank you. Pour it out for the passer. Thank you. I had the spirit of David Lynch under my wings. Yeah, lost highway, literally. Woo. So I guess I have to ask, I have to send paperwork

to the Wisconsin DMV and have them send my driver's record. And then they told me if I go back in the DMV, I don't have to ask, I have to send paperwork to the Wisconsin DMV and have them send my driver's record. And then they told me if I go back in the DMV, I don't have to make an appointment and just show that they'll give me my license. But if I don't get that, I have to take the driver's license test. But let me tell you guys this, in order to take the driving test, you have to have a car that's insured. You can't buy a car, get insurance without a license. So what's this Marty McFly chicken and egg bullshit we're running in California? And sweetie, you can't call me because mine's my shit's in collection.

Girl, my baby doll sister over here, I got her death trap with her cracked up papers. Is that cool? With her wigs in the back, with the shoes. I got wigs, I got teethy shoes, toothy shoes. I got no papers. How's that? Well, my thought was, I wonder if I can rent a car

to take a test. And then they were like, well, you don't have to take it. You have to provide your driver's record. I guess they wouldn't accept a picture of my ID. They wanted the plastic Wisconsin ID. Mama forgery, forgery.com. So then get this on the California DMV website, you can fill out a form to get you on a Wisconsin website. You can fill out a form to recall your records remotely.

And one of the ways they verify is by you send a selfie and good lighting and the computer matches it to your... Oh, yeah. But this is from 2015 when I had hair. They were like baldy. So I got immediate no, we could not match your record. Sorry, you fat ugly bald bitch. You didn't put a piece on?

A little wiglet? If I had known what I know now, I would have put on that little piece. Okay, we're gonna talk about pieces because we're gonna get some. Who is we? Me and you. Why?

Because David Lynch died at 78 with a full head of luscious gorgeous hair. Do you really miss the hair? No, but I want a piece. Piece of what? A piece of that. Piece of ass? Like a piece of an installed unit.

An install unit. Yeah. I got my install, an install, an installed unit. An install unit. Yeah. I got my unit, install it. Well, I told you about that dude that was at the barber. He had full male pattern baldness, right? They, they glue the shit out of his scalp to take this like strands of yaki hair.

They glue that shit on and then they give him the only fucking fade. And that shit made him, he went from 65 to 25. I am not joking. Have you talked to Bob lately? Bob who? Bob the dry queen. Oh yeah, Miss Former Fatty.

Now she's like- She's not a former fatty. She is, she was fat as a house last time I saw her. Now she is. Cut up. She's not a former fatty. She's ripped, cut into- She is so ripped and has a piece.

Yes. She came on this pod- She's giving Wesley from 92. Meanwhile, I just had to take the fame of the opera, Descent, into my basement to get my big jeans. She's giving 96 Blade. She's buff. She's giving Wesley Snipes.

She's buff and she's, yeah. She looks incredible. She looks incredible. I know, I was a little out of pocket. Exercise, sobriety, great style. Who knew? That's all it takes. I was out of, I was out of pocket when I saw her.

I was like, Oh my God, bitch, she used to be fat. You were as fat as hell last time I saw you. Yeah, but she was and now she looks incredible. I know because fat people are gross. She looks so good. And she came in, I was, she came in the other day and she said, you look really good girl. I said, why don't you shut your fucking mouth?

Why don't you shut your fucking mouth? Why don't you shut your fucking mouth? You're projecting. You're projecting. No, she does. I always think transformations are wonderful. But you know, I was thinking about this, and I was talking about this a lot with my... Fat coach?

No, I was talking to my homosexual therapist about this. You like him? Yeah, but I was talking about, you know, I have unrealistic standards for my own body that I don't even apply to other men. Of course. I don't have the standards for other men that I have for my... I like all types of bodies, but with me, I have some kind of weird impossible.

Because even when I got horribly thin, I didn't feel like Miss Thing. It's all made up in your mind. But we were talking about how when you're young and gay, when you're young and straight, like athleticism, peewee football, you know, like, that's probably the first time you come into your body and like your male body is celebrated and you can excel at something with sports and like, bleh. You can also build a foundation.

Right. But when you're gay from an early age, the way you walk, the way you're not athletic enough, your body is, you're constantly told when you're young, like, your body's not what another, what a boy's body is supposed to be doing or looking like. And so you start out base level, like, I don't have a, I don't have a good, I'm not good. I know, well, that's why I'm so jealous

of all these like newer fags, you know, the next generation of fags and- Oh, they've got it all. They got it all. They're, first of all, they have hardly, this is a huge generalization that is patently untrue, but I'm gonna say it anyways. I've, you know, Jennifer Z and Jennifer Alpha,

they like, they don't have nearly enough, like nearly as much sexual hangups. They're just gay, bloop. They're just gay, bloop. You know what I mean? Or they're doing sapphic and or man on man activities, but not even feeling the need to come out or identify. Love it.

Love it. Love pink. Love it. Cause you know what I hate? I hate when I'm like, oh, I slept with a straight guy. People are like, if you slept with him, he wasn't straight. I'm like, yes, if I booked a pussy, am I straight? Exactly. People really need to run this through.

Like, so I ate some pussy lips last night. Am I a straight man? No. Am I Bruce Willis? I'm talking about the way they identify. Am I John Leguizamo? We're not. Am I Steven Seagal?

Right. No. You like Steven Seagal? I don't. I do like when he beats the shit out of people. Back in the day, now he's a little crazy. But I just, I love that, I mean, of course, I'm sure they have total, they have other anxieties,

whatever, but it's my limited interaction with, you know, people who are 22 to 27, let's say. They're just like, I'm gay. I love that. What else? It's great. What else? What else?

So what now? What else is cooking? What else is cooking? Girl, the pressure I felt at the DMV to pass my test because I told you yesterday. Did you have to wait a long time? So this is where the primo behavior begins. You know, I live by the DMV.

I went to my studio and worked and Brandon waited in line until he was in the front and then I walked across the street. That's... that is diva behavior. But I worked the whole time. Yes, yes. Worked hard at jerking it. Right. I worked. So, um... That's fierce. I passed, but I thought it was gonna... I thought you could only miss three.

I don't know where in my mind I got that. How many questions were there? Felt like 50. And you're standing. And it's also the UN. Like all languages, all different volumes, everyone's speaking. I don't know what's wrong with my brain,

but if I'm around people all talking and I have to read, I had to cover my ears and get this close to the screen to comprehend what I was reading. Standing up. Standing up. Probably more efficient. People fall asleep. But if I missed it, I heard them telling people,

oh, you failed. Well, you can only take it once a day, so you have to come back another day. If I would have had to come back again to take it. Oh, I thought you were gonna say once a year. No, you have to come back the next day to take it again. Yeah, no worries. It's like, I forgot a bagel at the start, I'll go back tomorrow.

No big deal. I thought you were gonna say like, you have to take it next month or next year, woof. I'm just trying to play the long game, which is I'm trying to get a gorgeous vehicle for Brandon to drive around. What are you going to get? Well, probably some kind of, I think I want a Volvo. I think the Swedes know what's up with the vehicles.

The safety features. Very, very safety. The safety features. Very safety oriented. And I think the American vehicles are on the way out. They're starting their tin can era. They're starting their aluminum can era, their plastic era. Well, somebody was telling me, David Mason was telling me that, you know, COVID really,

really, really affected car manufacturing. So cars built after COVID are just not the same as the ones built before. Yeah. You know, so I'm excited to get a vehicle and get a used one. I'm in a lease for the business. Oh, that's smart. You know, own a car. I'm not an idiot. You should buy a Lamborghini. That's a great investment. Right. I'm going to lease. You should buy a Lamborghini. That's a great investment. Right. I'm gonna lease a car, lease a new car. Yeah. And then, or lease a used car.

Yeah, no, if you don't smoke, lease a car. And then I'm gonna take my stunning RV that I will acquire some way and take a gorgeous land yacht road trip. Where's the difference between RV and Winnebago? So Winnebago is a brand that makes recreational vehicles. That's what it's called. It's like a shoe and a Nike.

Recreational vehicle. Yeah, recreational vehicle. I didn't know that. And there's three types. Class A is like our tour buses, giant land yachts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Class B is like when people live in vans. People live in like a Sprinter van.

Sure, sure. And Class B is like that middle ground where it's like a Winnebago. What you think of when you think of like a family camper. Got it, got it. Interesting. You're gonna have the one that goes, that extends like John Travolta?

No, I just want a van, because I want to be able to park it in a city and not worry about it. Oh, you don't want to have that special. I want to be able to park at Target, go to a restaurant. Right, right, right, right, right. So it's a van, essentially.

Living in a van. But I would, or I would love to get a gorgeous, like a Winnebago style one, two. To go on like a trip, lovely trip. How many, how many giant, poop in a car? How many giant vehicles are you gonna have with tubes that put your poopy out of it? Well currently I have that huge,

I have a huge driveway with nothing in it. You have a huge what? Driveway, with nothing in it. Oh. This is gonna be huge for me, I would appreciate your support. Oh, you have that motorcade or whatever you call it. Have I ever said I was gonna do something and not done it?

No. So I would appreciate some fucking support. She's got support. She's misfollowed through. Misfollowed through. I'm a flake city roller. Cook my meat. Yeah, it's like, when I tell you I will do something, baby, you better be sure I won't do it.

Yeah, when I tell you I'll do it, I will mean if someone stands next to me with a gun and forces me to do it. Yeah, and six months later after they ask me. After they ask. Okay, so final thoughts. Amelia Perez, we got some explaining to do. My apologies to Carlos Sofia Garcon.

I don't know what, that is not her name. As well as Ms. Zoe. Yeah, listen, I would like to go on record and please, this is sincere. I don't mean any disrespect to the talents of these actors. I do, however, wish this director a very bad day. And I hope that he does not win any awards. Right.

That's it. Art is subjective, that's my opinion. I've made shitty art, so bloop. Tea. Yeah, I continue to make shitty art. So we're not casemakers, who cares? No, but I am a taste... I got an eye for fashion.

And you're kind of a know-it-all bitch. Yeah, I'm a pick-me-girl. I just think, I think that Miss DMV could use, like, reform and defund. Sweetie, it's a government agency, they're on their own time. I love it, like at the post office, ooh, I love this.

Went to the post office the other day, waiting for about three days, three and a half days. And then I get to the counter and they're like, shoo, close it right in my face. I was like, work, work deep, or don't work. That pisses me off. Cunty, love that shit. Well, post office also, like it's scalable.

If you go to a small town post office, the post office in Provincetown, they're so sweet. Oh my God, crudite. They're friendly, like, oh, you have a postcard to send? Can I eat you out? Yeah. LA, LA. You have a package, oh my God, let's have sex first.

LA is like, oh, well first we're gonna need you to bend over and here's your rape kit and we'll see on the other side of the wall. Yeah, we're gonna need you to sleep on this cot chained to it for about a week. It's awful, it's really awful. It's rotten. But the big city, the big city post office experience

is worse-ers. Yeah. It's worse-ers. It's rooters. It's crazy-ers. But I also think it has to do with people being treated worse in the big cities. Yeah, of course.

And crazy, crazy. Listen. I bet in New York, you just get punched in the mouth at the post office. You get kicked in the cunt, punched in the mouth, and thrown out the window. Yeah. Yeah.

And you're lucky if you get a stamp. Yeah, I was going to say. They just keep it. They stamp your ass and kick you right out. Can I make a last little confession? What is it? I have been known to do a certain thing recently, and I want to tell you what it is.

I have been making, constructing, sewing, certain types of negliges, which I wear myself at home. I see an ex suite, see an ex suite. And I wear them to exercise in. Oh yeah, baby. What do they look like? Sweetie, they're gorgeous. Are they feminine?

They're extremely feminine. This is why Bob is gorgeous and we're us. This is why Bob is tall and muscular and well-dressed. Sweetie, you and I are looking like a couple of truck drivers up on Craigslist talking to the Crosses. You can't handle this Crossy workout T. You can't handle it. It's, it's giving sweetheart cut thong back, uh, straps and glamour. Uh.

Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye!