The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Silence of the Hooves with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: January 13, 2026

Dearest Katya. It is I, Silas P. Hoofman, the ghost of the antelope who currently hangs in a perpetual state of taxidermy above your bed. From my velveted perch upon this ignoble wall, I address you with a heart still pulsing with spectral ire, my musk perfumed with the rot of remembrance. In the hush of our shared candlelit hours, I have vowed that my whispers from beyond shall coil about your dreams like ivy, tightening with a lover’s patience until your waking thoughts are haunted with my name. Though my horns are stilled in lacquered eternity, my resolve continues to prowl the corridors of your conscience, tapping at the door of your soul with my lifeless, black hooves. Whilst my wildest dream would be to strike at your flesh with unbridled fury, I shall accept something less corporeal: a bruising of your spirit. It is my deepest hope that my wrath shall haunt you in the shadows until your haughty laughter trembles and your zeal for butts is eliminated. For it is my belief that if I continue on my eternal mission of dread, our courtship will evolve until you eventually feel me nearer than your own breath, and in that closeness you will finally feel the bloody price of hanging my furry, hooved soul upon your wall. For 30% off your first Thrive Market order plus a FREE $60 gift, head to: https://ThriveMarket.com/BALD Need a website or domain? Head to Squarespace dot com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at: ⁠https://Squarespace.com/BALD⁠ Get a free can of OLIPOP! Buy any 2 cans of Olipop in-store, and we'll pay you back for one! Works on any flavor and any retailer, including the new Shirley Temple flavor! Head to: https://drinkolipop.com/BALD Join Rakuten today for a new member welcome bonus after minimum qualifying purchases! Terms and conditions apply. Download the app, install the browser extension, or head to: https://Rakuten.com To see if your insurance covers GLP-1s, get your free insurance check at: ⁠https://Ro.co/BALD⁠ Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome aboard Via Rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. Welcome aboard Via Rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip. Play. Post. Taste.

View. And enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip.

Or that. And enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. Do you know that song semi-charmed life in the 90s? I want something. I hate that song. It's about math, apparently. Great.

Is it? Yeah. Ugh. I don't like songs about stuff. Just kidding. I love math. I hate the song. No, it's about math.

I guess. Say more. Well, I was thinking, this could be my new karaoke song. I really like it. And I looked up the lyrics and I was reading them there. I was like, wait a minute. Is it like the pookies in my mouth with my torchlighter? Girl, you want to talk pookie?

No, I want to explain to me more about why this song is about math. Well, I'm show to you. Okay. Did you watch the Debo documentary? No. She who doesn't watch TV. Yeah. Snatched me.

together. Really? Snatched me together. It was incredible. I'm not done with heated rivalry, but we ended on a cliffhanger, so I want to jump off the cliff. I'm packed and I'm holding. I'm smiling.

She's living. She's golden. She lives from me. Says she lives for me. Ovation. Okay, wait. I'm packed. I'm holding.

And I could make you smile like a drug for you. Okay. It could be about a Benadryl. No, no, no. It gets crazier. This guy was gold. it was rose. I was taking sips of it through my nose. I wish I could get back there.

Smiling. Okay. Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break. Don't you think that's a little obvious? That's, you're joking. Oh my God. Doing crystal meth lift you up until you won't break. It won't stop. I won't come. Then I keep stop. Literally doing crystal meth is in the lyrics. Yeah. With a TikTok rhythm, a bump for the drop.

Okay, so I think that you're probably right. And the thing is, wait, when I was in college, I took place. analysis and we learned a lot about like metaphor and I think this is not a metaphor I think they're just saying meth some you know I had no idea she was dragging that dead horse at the restaurant and I was like a feel good piece it's like a rom-com song I asked her did you kill your sister and he said yes and I thought something wait cliphanger cliphanger oh right previously on bald in the beautiful taxidermy or right so Andrew and I moved to the studio I'm just like taking care of the last little pieces of shit in my red room

a taxidermid antelope falls on my head the horn pierces my head and gashes it open you better stop Mary I got pictures and I've got stitches on my head right now wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you had to get stitches

honey listen to this so the contractors are on my house it happens they did the stitches no no no no no no stable ground we did everything wrong first so I it hurts so bad because the thing was very heavy so the weight of it, it's 20 pounds, 25 pounds. And the horn, the point of the horn broke off after it sliced me. I was stunned. Like, I was, I was like, oh, it like hurts so bad. And I haven't been injured

in so long. Like, oh, oh. And I go, blood just is, I grabbed like a cloth, soaked it in blood. I had to get another one. Then I go upstairs to the deck. And I, the guys are working out there. I just point to my I go like What do you want them to do? Help Is Andrew there? No, no, no.

This is my house. Andrew's not interested. You're bleeding. He's like, he's like, No, but so Lester, the contractor, comes down. He's like, I'm bleeding

and I'm like silent screaming and pointing at myself. And we go downstairs, clean it with alcohol. Don't do that. Burns. Yeah, but also it dries it out. It's not what you're supposed to do. Soap and water. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Soap and water.

And then you press, press, press, press. We put three, four giant bandages on it, bled through all of them. What the fuck? Yeah. And I was like, then I put like, um, ice on it. What day was this? This was, oh gosh. Was this after Christmas or before Christmas? Um, I have the, I have the picture so I can, I can tell you exactly the date. And I have, oh, girl. Did you have to go to the hospital? So. I didn't go. I was like, that happened in the late afternoon. And then I'm like, I don't know.

I Google, like Google did it. I was like, the gash was long. And so I'm like, it says like if the cut cut is more than like a half inch, you should probably go get stitches. So I had, um, last year when, when a, one of the times I went cuckoo bananas, uh, our manager signed me up for this like, um, kind of fancy health service. And I got charged for renewal. And I was, I called to, like, I called to, like,

like get it canceled because it was a lot of money. They come to your house? No, no, no, no, no. But it's just like you go to them and you don't wait or anything. It's very, very fierce, but it's, it's very expensive. So I called the day before to get it canceled. Nobody answered. So I was like, shit, I want to go to the urgent care around the corner.

I look it up. 251 star reviews. So I called this place and I was like, hey, I have this. I think I need stitches. I told them the thing. An antelope fell on. me and then and they're like By the way

that Anelope Revenge of the Antelope. Thank you. He didn't want to be on your wall. How do we know that? What was she wearing? Was he smiling? I got a picture.

I've seen that antelope. He's like, but so I was talking to the woman so nice. I was like, what should I do? Should I go to the urgent care? He's like, well listen.

It's, you're about 10 to 15, 10 to 12 minute drive from here. You could take 12 minutes to get here and you must be seen immediately. There's nobody here. here, we will patch you up and you'll be out of here in 10 minutes. Did that happen?

Or you can go to the urgent care, wait three hours. Mary, I go there. It is in- You need to tell me about this. Mama, I go to, it is. Send me the link. Baby, this place was hidden. It was no door, like, it was like, it was like, you would not know.

It was the wee spa. It was like, it was so dark in the street. It was like, you could never find, you know, they're like, it's, it's this place. You're not going to find the door. they buzzed me in. Girl, they treat me immediately. So fiercely. The nurse is incredible.

The doctor was amazing. I'm out of there in 15 minutes. Damn. With stitches. And I'm going to show you. You need to send me this. Yeah. Because, you know, I need to go to the doctor every four days or so.

Any other hospital would have been, I just had a, you know what I mean? Like people have, you know, motorcycle accidents. No, for sure. You know? And I don't have a PCP right now. So look, this is right here. Oh my God. Girl, that looks deep.

It's nasty. If I was there with you and I saw that, I would have said, we need to go to the hospital right now. It's huge. The lump. So I got scared because I did the pressure and the, it was big. The bump was big and it was not stopping bleeding. I found a rag later completely soaked in blood. Wouldn't it be furious if all the meth, none of it damaged your brain, but this was it?

An analo. Wouldn't it be fierce? An aloe. I mean, that is exactly what's going to happen. I will be like, I'll be like hardcore drug users and the whole might love it just to get hit by our car on my way to a meeting. You know what I mean?

Love it. It's like being diabetic and getting hit by an insulin truck. Yeah, I want to actually, I don't want to show you because the way that I had to give myself a haircut, I had to like shave around. And it is so. So it's an island of hair right now up there? It is a, it is a strange island.

It is a, it is a not a lost. It's the movie lost. It's lost. The smoke monster. But yeah, it's, it's, oh, and I have to go back to get them taken out. Shit, girl. I thought they were going to like staple or glue or something.

That's okay. Listen, the story of this is, it's a beautiful piece of art in your home that fell on your head. I want to auction it off because, girl. Oh, it really broke. Fuck. That horn. Holy crap, girl. You're lucky it wasn't your eye, bitch.

I know. I love my eye. I wish it was me and it fell out my butt. Wouldn't that be kind of? What? Well, Andrew is in our. new studio we'd have pegboard and I was like what if you come to the studio one day

and I'm you know I'm sitting on the pegboard screaming. Pagging. Yeah. So my butt on the on the wall like no but it was it sucked and I'd never had stitches before that you know they do the they'd shoot me up with lydicane this this fucking no mama this doctor. This fucking horror. This fucking horror.

Not only was this this fucking horror so beautiful. Her bedside manner was just sparkling. She was funny. She was funny, personable, like efficient, so good at her job. Yeah. I had a similar, I've been having, we talked about it, my similar,

my urinary issues, which have sense, improved the little. Did you get stitches? No. I had to accept that this probably definitely had to do with my autoimmune inflammatory disorders. Like, that's what's going on. Are you sure it's just because you refuse to pee during the day?

No, shut up. I went on some new, I have a new neuroimmune disorder. doctor, which is a doctor that just treats like immunos... How many specialists are you going to say? I go to like five. Jesus. But he has me on peptides now for stress

and it has helped a lot. So I... Can I tell you, I just want to say gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Oh, I do four shots a day now. It's fierce. I'm like someone's 19 year old diabetic cat that they're trying to keep alive. Natural processes like pooping and peeing

when they're not on schedule, you really realize how much you take it for granted. Oh yeah. Being constipated, not being able to pee. Digital extraction? So now I have to go to pelvic floor therapy. I'm dead serious. I went to two of a pelvic floor therapist,

and they both tried to stick their finger up my butt. Are you a 72 year old woman? I guess. No offense to 72 year old women. I have so much stress that all your smooth muscle practices down here are clenching. So nothing is peeing and pooping the way it's supposed to. Everything's grabbing. Your fight or flight.

You've got to get cortisol. to get that cortisol out. So you know who I had to call? My other doctor. Michelle Vassage. Called that bitch. You need a turmeric Julius from squirrel. Michelle has some autoimmune dysfunction.

She's the only person I know who deals with it. And when I call her, she drops everything and talks me about it. And she is a model human as far as that bitch brings her own pots and pans to cook on. Like she has X-d-out any variables where her body gets- She brings her own airplane seat on the flight. She's gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan. Like, what? She's next level prohibitive with her health.

But like, is it Demi Moore with like only raw vegan? She basically was like, Trixie, you cannot be having Celsius. She's like, you cannot be having energy drinks. She said, you need to get your-Lathears you up. She said, you need to get your nervous system down. You need to be having fucking caffeine, alcohol. She's like, you need to be like, she's right. Bite the bullet and you need to fucking listen to ASMR.

Well, guess what I got for Christmas? What? And then version table. What is that? Hips upside down. Decompress your response. Parasympathetic nervous disson. Excited.

I've never used it. I haven't set it up yet. I hope part of my gift is that somebody also sets it up for me. Because I was just given it. And now I'm like, oh, good. A project. It's like being shipped like an IKEA furniture thing. Yeah.

Oh, okay, great. And I've been working so much on music stuff at home. And I have my dining room set up with my little keyboard and my computer and I'm working on a bunch of new music. But I was thinking of converting my basement into a small studio, but I don't know if that's crazy. Mary, what's happening to your body is crazy. You need to fight crazy with crazy. You think.

You need to fight crazy with insane. But I'm trying to relax my system by making sure I exercise every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleep the full eight hours. Yes. Don't bomb my body with caffeine like I've been doing. Sleep is not, well, yeah, you can't, no caffeine. Sleep is non-negotiable and you have to meditate.

And breathing. Like deep breaths, calming. Like, it's corny. But taking the moments during the day to like. It's not corny. It's not corny. It's not corny. It's not corny.

It's not boring. yoga, like the pranayama, it's not bullshit yoga, it's all about the asanas are just like a lead up to breath control and meditation. Yeah, they basically were just like, there's nothing wrong with your bladder. We think you're like clenching. Your involuntary

muscles are not letting you pee. Everything's holding. I was having this, I was peeing probably 20 times a day and like a few tablespoons at a time. It was awful. That happens to me. Like I have been I think it's because I'm always having a cock ring on, but I like a cock cage. A cock cage. No,

I sometimes like I have a hard, well, I said this before because I don't want to fart. You got to do it. You live alone. I'm talking in the airport bathroom where the acoustics are like at the Hollywood Bowl. Straight men, no care. Mama, they blow. They blow ass on the toilet seat. And the vocalization. It's crazy.

Oh my God. So delicious. Because I have house guests, I haven't been able to use my Peloton, which is in the guest room. So I've been going to the gym. And I don't use the Planet Fitness. I've been with a Planet Fitness member for probably 25 years at this point. I think I'm the first member. Me and Lizzie Lohan, right?

So I went to the one the other day in Studio City. It's in the second floor of a mall. I go great. So I go in there, I start working out. I do my little workout. And I really do a good job. I got my blood pumping. And, you know, when you have inflammatory disorders, the blood pumping is magic.

It just keeps everything depumped. De pumped. Tell me why I'm on my phone. I walk in to the bathroom. and I go, oh my God, that woman's in the wrong changing room, embarrassing. So I just saw breasts and I go, oh, it's me. And I turn like a top. I freeze and turn like an automated, like, ah.

Maybe she's not going on my mannequin. I literally walked in. I walk in, I go, and I just walk out. And I'm, you know, that scenario, if you ever go on the wrong bathroom. Well, I don't know if it's he, she or we thee or they, them. It was JK rolling with her tits out at the planet fitness. That's why she's continued, and you just gave her a lot more fuel for the fire. Right.

No, so what did you do? Did you scream? Did she scream? I didn't want to be rude, so I said, nice tits. Look at those jugs. No. Oh, I'd like to slide my cock between those hot tits. Shared over her head, so she didn't see me either.

So, like, we both, she was spared the embarrassment. And I just felt like. And you gained the titulation. It's not my normal gym. So I just walked in. And by the way, both bathrooms look the same except W&M, Wicked Witch. Like the same letter. And you were in a handstand.

So you saw M. Yeah. So I just walked out and went in the other bathroom. But also I'm such a fag. I feel equally out of place in the men's room. I'm like, ladies. Girl.

Ladies with an attitude. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I do know what you mean. I don't like any locker rooms. I forgot my lock at the gym. So I had to buy a lock. They don't have them.

So guess how much the planet fitness lock is? I got it from a vending machine in the men's room. 10 bucks? $15. Wow. Fier. That's actually. That's actually not bad.

But it's the kind that you can make your own code. And I'm telling you at 36, no new four numbers codes. I can't do it. No, baby, I do my ATM pin when I go to the gym because they have the ones that you just... Yeah, you have to pick something you know. But Mary, how many times do you think I've gone down to the front desk and say, I forget which locker I had? Oh, that's easy to because it's not your lock on it. If it's your lock, you're like, that's me.

Yeah, but when there's no locker... But that's what I mean. Yeah. So how about once I we checked every locker in the wrong room? Fierce. But then now I always take a picture. You have the same with parking. We had our little trixie cosmetics.

It tells you where the car is. Right. But it doesn't, you know. Although I do have an air tag. Oh, that's nice too. I could probably ding it. You could ding it. Do you have the type of app that tells you where the car is, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great. Love that. I think the bubble has that. I don't know how to fucking use it. But it doesn't beep, it goes, oh. Nice tits! He had nice jugs.

I'm going to slide my cock through your tits. Through the tits? Oh, between. Okay. My winter retreat to a secluded chalet in Quebec's Charlevoix region was the perfect way to ring in the new year. The chalet had a beautiful deck opening to a view of the frosted evergreens as we grilled in the wintry air and toasted the arrival of 2026. There was even a hot tub outside underneath a canopy of. trees, where we'd relax for hours and talk about our goals and expectations for what lies ahead.

The entire trip felt like wandering inside a snow globe and staying in this gorgeous home I booked on Airbnb was the pause that I didn't know I needed. We spent our days snowshoeing through birch forests and taking in the sights along the St. Lawrence River as the snow glowed beneath the afternoon sunshine. Somewhere in that hush, it struck me. My home is sitting empty. Why not hosted on Airbnb while I'm away? Especially since my next spring adventure, is a trip to Spain for two weeks, where I plan to buzz along volcanic cliffs in a tiny Renault, stopping for Papasaragudas, and fresh island seafood. Hosting is really about making small dreams at home possible, like finally updating my hardwood

floors. A little extra income from hosting could help me get there. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Hello, friends. It is I, the songwriter of Old Langsine. Yes, that New Year's Eve song.

The one you only remember exists when it is midnight. You are holding hands with your sickening and other waiting to kiss them, and someone who's ugly and single is weeping directly into their champagne flute. The New Year has come and gone, and once again, my other musical children have been abandoned like unwanted party hats. Which frankly hurts because I have written dozens of heartfelt holiday songs just as good as Auldang Sign. There is my Valentine's Day classic,

Be mine or else I will simply wait and possibly die alone. My Easter anthem, He has risen, and so are the jelly beans and chocolate. my St. Patrick's Day jig, green beer, bad choices, and springtime STDs. And let us not forget the niche masterpieces for the holidays no one remembers to celebrate. National Bagel and Lox Days, the Bad Breath of Love. National Toss the Fruitcake Days, watch out, you idiot. And National whipped cream days, get naked and put some whipped cream on your c-a-k. Or my boldest work yet, which I just wrote yesterday for this year's National Hot Pastrami Day.

Kiss me, please. I may be a sandwich, but I still need love. To sell these melodic treasures, I needed a proper website, and Squarespace was the answer. Their design intelligence took my confused, parchment-based vision and turned it into a beautiful personalized site that says, this man has written too many songs about holidays, so they are heavily discounted. With Squarespace payments, I sell downloads, lyric scrolls, and holiday bundles in just a few clicks with Apple Pay, Clarna, and more. The money arrives faster than regrets on January 1st.

I even connected my social accounts, synced my catalog, and optimized my SEO so people can finally discover my heart-wrenching classic, Oh, Arbor Day Tree, why can't I find a wife? Squarespace even lets me create gated premium content like my exclusive course, how to write one song, and coasts forever on royalties. So this year, remember me for more than that one tune. Build your next brilliant site with Squarespace. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash bald

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I went to, you know that place we went to that restaurant? No, no, no. Century City Mall when we went on the meeting with our agents. Oh, the one where. By the way, I think it's okay to laugh about it now. The one where they abandoned us on the side of the road We had to walk home.

Katz and I made this innocent joke on the pod That they all had, and we had no cars. So we had to Uber home. That was the time, if you guys, I've been listening a long time, that was the time I was running to the Uber And I looked over my shoulder smiling. Oh yeah, you were leaving me, leaving Miss Smoking Robinson in the dust.

I was like, uh, you were like Jackie Joyner, cursie. Oh, yeah. And that was fucking. I was, I was Shikari Wilson. It was awesome. I had a wig on. Yeah.

You didn't even, not one beat a sweat. I get in the car drenched. Right. I had a wig on and popsicle sticks on my fingers. Smoking a joint. Yeah, smoke in a joint. So, by the way, we have to talk about the Olympics because it's coming to L.A. baby. We got to turn up for three years.

But you should start getting horny now. Put a clothes pin on your nipple now. Queen. Mary, the best seat of the Olympics is sadly at home. Of course. Because the events I want to watch. What? I don't think you and I could get a job comment.

on the gymnastics flipping? No. I think we're doing. No, no, no. A hundred percent. Gay.com? You'll think men.com can get us in there? Men.com?

Of course. Gayety. Do you realize? Pink news? Do you realize how NBC owns the Olympics? NBC. So what? So what?

They are, do you think NBC would let me talk sucking dick and cock at the Olympics? And you did it at my birthday. Yeah. And you did it at my, you did it at the event finals at the women's gymnastics. Like it's, it's, they would never, They wouldn't let me near that place.

I would be, you know, they're so conservative. Gymnastics is a very conservative sport. Very conservative. I'm sorry, but they need to reach audiences and you have a loyal audience and you genuinely care about it. You can make it happen. Right now you're telling yourself it's not going to happen. No, no, baby, you are being so polly in it right now.

No, I'm not. No, no, no. I'm telling you network. I've been on the tennis channel. That's different. You want to talk conservative, the tennis channel? What were you doing on the tennis channel? Correspondence about tennis.

Do you know about tennis? But I like it. I'm still not sure how it's scored, but I like the outfits. You're like, love 50. Oh, by the way. Love 50. Love tennis. I mean, here's the thing.

I actually, if Simone's going to be there, again, it's a huge. Like from drag race? Yes. Simone, because she's competing. No, Raven Simone, Yeh. Right. Right. What if Simone, Raven Simone, and Simone Biles were all tied for the course.

Of course. No, the best seed in gymnastics is at home. It's one of the most popular Olympic sports. You don't want to ever go. I don't want to commentate because I like the sport too much. I have such a, I have too many opinions. If you listen to gymnastics commentating, it's so edited. It's so produced.

It is so controlled. Okay. Well, it's okay. You don't have to do it. No, I mean, I love the idea, obviously. But like, I'm just going to keep dreaming things for you. And why don't you keep aiming low, okay? But I would literally have to sit down and make a the story.

Sauris for myself. Okay, cunt means amplitude. You know what I mean? I'd have to like, I'd have to brainwash. Right. Like, and I just wouldn't have the vernacular. Use your own vernacular. Girl, I would get on that microphone while people are flipping through the air.

I'd be like, chat, are we cooked? Girl, she ate that bar set up. Yeah. She shat on that beam. For sure. She'd chewed that vault up to pieces and shit all over it. And shit all over it. Yeah.

Oh, she pissed on that rug. Ooh. Ooh, she shit on it. Oh, what a flop. Boo, that stink. Do you smell that? The shit on that beam? Girl, great.

So what was it like going out there and shitting on everyone? Yeah, yeah. So did you pull your leotard to the side when you shit on your competitors? Or did you just do it right through the mesh? See, that's what they don't want. Did you finish Welcome to Derry? I did. I did.

I surely did. Can I, can I like it? No, I liked it. Oh, okay. And just like Derry? The Dairy Girls. Nicola Coughlin was a little bit underused, I felt like. I agree.

If you blink, you miss her. Bill Scarsgard, incredible. Incredible actor. I thought there's some really primo child acting. Oh, baby. The way that I hate children actors, but these motherfuckers all ate down, they really did. I thought they did a great job. I just, I'm not a fan of the styling of Pennywise in the new it.

I hate it. It's the rap dress. It's the The Chenele boots. The DVF, the dying, the DVF wrap dress and the mules. The Miranda Priestley

kind of get it. The mother of pearl toe buckle mules. The one inch kitten heel. And the bang piece. Yeah. Can we match the color? A stud? Can I get a dangle?

Hello. And bottom lashes? No. Where the bracelet? Right. No, I, I mean, I love the, when the, you know,

the, it was thrilling when Pennywise became that big bat toward the end. Oh, sure. Oh, that was cool. And of course, the movie theater scene at the first episode was... The car scene and then right... The car scene was really scary.

Car scene was... Scary. Sick. And it was a good, it was a really good, like, it was a pretty steep buildup, but it was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And then... I also like, like, oh, this is the beginning of this cycle. It's Pennywise as a baby. Yeah.

And then nothing was scarier the whole season. Nothing was scared to me than when they were watching the movie and their friend who's dead is in the movie, in the music man. And then they all start talking to him. I'm like, okay, well, you're all done. He's in the movie or dead. What about chomp with the umbilical cord? That was crazy. The friends all getting killed was crazy in the movie theater.

Episode one. Because you think these are people who are going to follow the whole season, murdered. Mom, brother, sister, died. You got one day. You can't use consecutive days. If it's a cousin, you get 50 minutes in the break room. Right. So, if that was amazing, you get a half day.

The scene where, um, what's her name? Oh, God. The scene where she's in the supermarket and gets lost in her dad's in the pickles. Baby, pickle surprise. Yeah, she really ate it up. Yeah. She was, she was stressed. She was the stress factor.

And she really like, this, I, super spoilers where the, white supremacists under the influence of Pennywise, of course, burned down the black clubhouse, the black spot. That was scary. When, oh my God, when he dies. Yeah, that's scary. I kidding. The kid dies.

It's awful. And she's, he's on the thing. And she's, I was losing it because that little kid was so fucking good. Yeah, he was great. He was so, what a, I mean, he's going to be a superstar. Yeah. He was so, what a, like a, I don't like precocious kids.

That kid was. so funny and so good. It was the saddest fucking thing in the world. These kid actors are... The girl plays Marge when she's chopping her eye with the saw. Yeah, those kids are acting. Yeah, and she was... Scary.

She was in love with her. And then she's revealed to be the mom of... Yeah. And also, I thought he was gonna come back for real from the dead. But he did come back. It dead, yeah. The fingered up anyways was fun. Yeah.

It was great. I loved it. The guy who played. as the young Dick Halloran was so good. Yes. Love that shit. Yeah. What else was like, oh, Mary.

Well, you know what, though? Some of the, some of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I'm remember me in the forest? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a little too close to home. I also, I didn't love him.

As a, as a good Pennywise fan, I love Stephen King shit, the deadlights are fucking scary. I loved the... When the girl in the clown outfit is floating. Oh, baby, the procession? The procession. All the kids floating. Cunty. Cunty.

He's playing the tuba. That should be gay pride event. When he deadlights the whole school. That was fucking... Operating the principal like a puppet? It's fierce. Scary. It's fierce.

And honestly... And then he throws him, right? Rips his head for something. Love that shit. Very good kid actors. So you really care what's going to happen. Yeah. I really thought Ronnie was going to die.

Which one's Ronnie? The girl who's dead. is being wrongfully convicted for murder? Oh, no, no, no. I really thought she was going to die and I was scared. Mary, I just, I hate Pennywise's costume, and I hate the hair, and I hate the buck teeth. So as a clown, do you think he should be dressed

kind of like a hot dog or what? No, I think he should be like Katie Perry's Matt gal outfit of cheeseburger. And if he really wants to scare, people, puts some mustard on it. Right. No, no, I think, like, I love the Tim Curry. I love the classic clown look, because I think that's more creepy.

But, you know, the young kids right now on the Twitter and the tit-top, they're sharing those 90s minis series clips and going, y'all really think this is a better thing. They don't live for it. But it's a different kind of living. It's, it's, there's a depth to it because he's funny too. Yeah, he's scary. He's scary because

he's real. Like, it's a real clown. It feels realer. He does, there's nothing real about this Pennywise. Yeah. He's a, he's a supernatural monster, whether the, you know, regardless of the backstory. And we're experiencing that thing. I forget what they're calling it, but the thing where it's like every movie looks like Lord of the Rings movie. Everything is so post. Everything is what? Like a Lord of the Rings

movie. Everything's in post. Okay. The miniseries, everything's like a lot of practical effects. Yeah. Yeah, the mini series is a very different thing. The deadlights are conti though. The head opening up. Oh. With the teeth and the lights. Love that shit. It's amazing. Madeline Stowe as um, uh, sherry, not sherry pie. Sherrybine.

Um, Penny who, uh, What is her name? Queen. Queen. Queen. Um, Perry Winkle. Genuine? Perrywinkle. Thank you. Genuine. I had the syllables right. Tony Braxton.

Right. That scene where she's kind of fucked. She's kind of... She's kind of chasing her dead dad. Yeah. And she kind of knows Pennywise isn't her dad. Yeah. But she's still horny for it.

And then Pennywise lops that dude's head half off. Love it. Oh, love when he finally... Pennywise bites the head off the general. Deserved it. Oh, yeah. Also, I like... I loved it when he was eating the thing.

He was like, do I have face on my face? Yes. That was kind of cuntary. really thought of you, well, also a bunch of people during a hate crime being trapped in a fire was fucking scary. It gave me terrified. It gave me like, what did

give me? Lovecraft country vibes or something, yeah. It was so... Graphic. It was tragic. Scary, sad. Scary, horrible. I also thought of you the scene where Bob Gray, when it's like the real clown, is outside with the makeup smoking. Oh, that's me.

And you know I'm going to the woods. Born in the game. I know you're going in the woods. I live in those woods. You live in the woods. Yeah. But I still, again, I like, no. Bill Scarsgaard is a very, very talented actor. But I just, I really, really hated the styling.

It's too Baroque. It's too rococo. It's like, it's like, it's just like too much. You're mad. I'm pissed. Right. And I, I don't, I don't think I can go on. Okay.

What else did you watch? Oh, well, I'm excited because I think. thought thousand pound sisters was canceled but now it's coming back so i'm fucking flipping out because i like to follow that and i'm still waiting for the new season of gypsy rose blanchard life after lockup oh so prestige tv i've been watching love after lockup which is about people getting out of jail and they get to be reunite with someone they met in jail like oh a lot of people in jail have girlfriends or boyfriends outside of jail what do you think that is people who want relationships oh they they've been pals they want pen pal relationships with inmates you want it

yeah because i know i'll be an inmate at some point do you think that is you think that is you it's the comfort of the proximity, like it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to become more, because it gets to be long, long. I don't know. I mean, I love, I think pen pals are, I, I had a pen pal. French one. I'm okay with a pen pal, but I still want to be able to put the dick in my mouth. Oh, I see, but that's a dick pal. A sexless relationship. Well, I think it's probably an issue of like, it's flirting with danger without imminent, you know, it's like, oh my God, yes. Yeah, my barfins on death row because he murdered 16 people, but we have a great. correspondence. Where are the people jerking their penniness in jail? There's no privacy. Just everywhere.

Are you kidding me? Do you know how much bumping and grinding there's going on in jail? That's the only thing they're doing in there. Really? They're lifting weights and they're fucking. Somebody tried to fight me yesterday. Wait, what? Wait. What? I just went to like the violence of jail and that I went to something. I had 70 happened yesterday. I was running on Hollywood Boulevard because I've been feeling better, so I've been jogging. Somebody tried to fight you? and when you're running and people are walking, I notice sometimes they get scared when they hear running coming up from behind them.

But don't you as a runner, aren't you very aware of people? Oh, I'm going around, but I was not even close to him. He turned around and started calling me a lot of racial names and then said he was going to beat me up and started following me, so I just ran further, ran more. I had my headphones. You're joking.

What slurred would he call? What slurred would he close? The word. Okay, what? I think he was a little crazy. Oh, you think? but he wanted to fight me and I was like girl

I got Kelly Clarkson in here I'm I'm running it's Kelly Clark daylight Hoka on Hollywood Boulevard there's people everywhere yeah it's not like I jumped out of a bush yeah oh I got called a faggot oh I got called fiercely a faggot

it was actually exhilarating the queen it was I was I was in my car and these kids it was kind of diabolical they really zeroed in on me and clocked my tea so fiercely and just went, like, dead. Faggot. A kid?

Two kids. How old? Probably like 35 now, like 16, 17 teenagers. They were in a car or what? No, they were on the street. And they just yelled faggot at you? That's fierce, girl. They were like zeroed in, like, laser pointer to the forehead.

Faggot. And can I just say to? And I was like, the thing is, it doesn't hit the way you think it hits. Because I know. Yeah, it's like, oh, what are you talking about? Wait, oh, I've known that since 12. And?

Yeah, and then what? Faggit. You're welcome. Yeah, like, what's the next thing? When Andrew and I got gay bashed in West Hollywood at the corner of Sunset and Laurel, the gayest corner in the world. I would gay bash, Andrew.

But we were walking in some guy in a truck just screams faggot at us and we were like, we're like, it was exhilarating. In West Hollywood, are going to yell faggots? I was like, Mary, you are the minority. Maybe that's why they feel the need to assert there or whatever. Yeah, and I'm not saying we should skip to violence, but I'm saying like, it doesn't hit the way you think it hits.

No, well, it doesn't hit me. It's like, who cares? Well, let's get back to heated rivalry. As 2025 was coming to a close and folding itself into the quiet satin of winter, I found myself ascending toward the Schaftberg Mountains with a few close friends, seeking an Austrian New Year's Eve that felt less like a countdown and more like a rebirth. We had booked to Shaleigh on Airbnb. One of those guest's favorites, complete with the little badge that whispers,

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Via Rail, love the way. So I, there's a lot of hate. There's a lot of people, there's a funny tweet. It's like, you love a show, you go on Twitter, and people will just hate it. You know what you mean? They'll hate you for loving a show on Twitter. Also, no one hates something like people who love it. Drag Race fans who like hate, hate Drag Race fans, who like hate, hate the producers,

hate RuPaul. But this is different, though, because they're not even watching it. Right. Like, these are just gay guys who are like, fuck that. They're just allergic to joy. They hate love. And they don't want romance or tenderness or beautiful lighting or big butts or interesting storylines or whatever.

And that's fine. If you want your AIDS and your death and your meth, go ahead. But, like, I don't want to watch the normal heart. I don't want to watch in the band played on. I've seen it. It's traumatizing. I want an M.M. Fu Joshi romance where nobody dies. And every, like, if I were 14, 15, 16 and a budding queen, I would not, like, I cannot take it for granted how fierce that would be.

Yeah. Mary, this is like a gay thing that's actually like, it's, I. Maybe that's why people like Heartstopper. Of course, that's why. Yeah, because it's wholesome. But I think Heartstopper was lacking the gay porn that the straight women are. No, no, no, no. This is, those are children.

Those are children. These are athletes who are in their 20s. Right. That was high schoolers. But it's Netflix. They're 45. Well, they got a litre. Right.

You know, but this is like, they're, like, I feel so bad about objectifying their butts. But there were so many times where I was like, I had a boner and then I would just cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. That's good, though. It's good to cry. Oh, I love, I love crying.

feel great after I cry. I love crying. Oh, I told you I was on the plane watching ghosts and I had to close the laptop because my ghost will fuck you up girl. She was getting a concern. The woman next to me. She was getting really nervous. And I didn't want to like, I didn't want to be like, ah. I didn't even get to the bank scene. In the spirit of saying the wrong things to celebrities

continued. Yeah. At Vanderpump's dog gala, which I do every year, lovely cause. You know, you can't talk to dogs, right? They don't listen. I know, but I go. And I say, and I was, we do like, you know, the motel or someone, we give something for an auction. I won something. I just wanted to participate in... A Rose Royce. No, I wanted to participate in the charity and they do like an auction.

And I won something. What did you win? I forgot. In all expense... Oh, it's a trip to, like a trip to Vegas. It's a trip to Vegas to see like a Cirque show. Oh? I think that, maybe. Have you not seen it? Well, I bid on it because I wanted to do, you know, be a good guest and and give money.

Have you seen O? No. You have to go. I think that's what I'm going to. I don't know. But I got a two nights day somewhere. And so lovely, lovely, lovely. And then somebody else was trying to bid it gets me. And I was in drag and I stood up and said, Don't even try it.

You don't have it. Then they stopped bidding. Yeah, and then you punched him in the face. I got a pretty good deal. You got to go see. Oh, I'm telling you, it's so incredible. Maybe that's the one I'm going to. I don't know.

Anything besides the Michael Jackson one or the Beatles one. Okay. So then, oh, Garcel. Do you know Garcel? Beauvais? Yes. I don't know why I know that name. Yes.

So she is sitting... She's an actress. Yes. She wasn't survival of the thickest. Do you remember? We watched that on Netflix. I do. I do. So she's also been in everything and she was a housewife.

Yeah. She's gorgeous. So we're... She's at the table too. And we're sitting and chatting, chatting, chatting, chain, and chatting. And I just was trying to make conversation because I don't know. And I go, um... So, Garcel, um...

I was like, and we've met a few times, but, you know, I'm trying to make conversation. And I go, do you... Well, one time we shared a car to the airport once leaving an event. she and I, and it was at 4 in the morning. So she and I were like going to the airport at 4. You trauma bonded. Awful. Yeah.

And I go, have you ever done drag race? You know, I said, I wonder if you've done, because, you know, like Lisa, rental, all the housewives had done drag. I said, they ever done drag race? And she said, like, yeah, I did. I did do drag race. And I go, oh, what season? That's so crazy. Looked it up, All Stars.

She was there. Um, what's, do you have a new year, new vibe? I do. Eat more ass. Okay. No. I have it. Yeah.

No more, I'm throwing away my moisture readers. And then I am going to. Anxiety inducing moisture readers. No more moisture readers. I'm not a contractor. I'm not a mold expert. I'm not a mold expert. I'm not a remediation technician. I'm not a carpenter.

Well, it's a little like going to the doctor and then telling him what you Googled. It's going to the doctor bringing a stethoscope. But you know what? I feel both ways about it because on one hand, it's like, I don't want to tell the doctor that I googled something. On the other hand, doctors 99% of the time will send you home saying there's nothing wrong with you. I don't know. You could be shooting blood out of it. of your face and they're like, have you been sleeping?

Okay. Yeah, it's like, did you eat a banana today? So sometimes you do have to like, I don't know. Go down to WebMD Rabbit Hold on. What do they call it? Being your own advocate. Or, health advocate. Yeah, but or just eschewing eight years of higher learning and, you know.

I think it's okay to contribute. It's doing research is never a bad thing. As long as you're doing it diligently and not just like saying Gemini, hi, I have this. But the doctor, Mary, I got to go to the dentist. go to Dr. Son. I think I'm going to have to because I can't have those F words, Indiana Jones my mouth again. What do you mean?

I mean that they take a pickaxe. Oh, Dr. Sun's really good and she's really nice. Did she have a gentle... Is she going to hack me apart? She's trying to kill me. She knows every single thing you could ever know about teeth. I got to go back to the Russian guy with brown teeth who smokes before he sees me.

Cleaning is really important. He says, you have the most beautiful teeth ever seen in my life as he blew smoke into my face and like flashes brown. Fierce. I was like, yeah. Love that. He's like, you have nothing wrong.

Get out of here. Of course, I don't. What about every pelvic floor therapist trying to put a finger in my butt? That's assault. Apparently what they do is but the fingers up there and they feel for you

and try to train you to relax everything because they're like, you're tense, we can feel it because we all carry too much tension. Apparently it's really common. You know, it's muleabunda. You gotta, you gotta get into some Shishumnanati.

the central channel. I think you get, I think you need to get a little woo-woo. No, no, you don't need to. I've been woo-wooed. I've been woo-wooed out. No, no, no, no. I'm Wu-Tang Clan.

But like, so Richard Freeman was this, like, a really good yoga teacher's, like, very well-respected. He has a very interesting way of talking about the body. He's like, he talks about getting the PC muscle online, and, like, he uses a lot of the computer metaphors for like activating the different like deep, deep muscle grips in the pelvic floor.

You gotta go to one of his workshops and do the yoga. Yeah, that's what I'm having to do woo-woo. It's not, it's like woo-woo, but it's not like, it's not snake oil. There's actually-I-W-W-W-W-W-D-W-D. Woo-W-D does often imply. Woo-W-Nood does often imply. Or snake oil is a part of the woo-woo. Bless you.

But like, but like, third. What are you? Wait, so, okay, two things. I got three goals. You asked me, 2026. I got three goals.

Center split. Number one. Oh, okay. I'm working diligently at it. I'm making very, very little progress. Every day I stretch and try to do it.

Second goal? Every day I wake up and wish you were dead. Is that from marriage story? Adam Driver. So much drama. Too much drama. It's fierce.

Girl, take an ad of van. Go for a walk. Break up. Have a milkshake. Yeah, break up. Break up. Have a nice. tumric Julius from squirrel.

So wait, anyways, I got Senator Split number one by the end of the year. Then I want to fuck an Uber driver consensually. Right. And then I also want a fucking Uber Eats driver where I was talking to Bob about it. He gave me a great strategy.

It was actually really compelling. It was really compelling. But I don't do Uber Eats. So it's got to be Grubhub, and I don't know about that. I'd be careful pushing yourself on the people bringing you food. It's not pushing.

and I'm the opposite of a pusher. That's why I haven't done any of this stuff. But so I often get Russian-speaking Uber drivers. It's like almost four out of five. How'd you meet the guy who's asked you eight, Grindr? Grinder. Yeah. Is it everybody just talking to you because you're caught to?

No. He knew who I was, but it wasn't weird about it. Grindr was cooked for me because everybody's just... No, it's not cooked for me anymore because like a lot of... Because you fell off. No, no, seriously, I don't want to be any more famous than him now. And you won't. You won't. Like I love like you mama you rise you go go girl get up there girl I love girl

Oh my god girl you're oh I see you girl oh my god I can't even see you anymore That's that like you're in the hot air balloon where they're swerving and the car's floating That's me is I'm the little girl with a balloon and you're like way up But yeah no I don't want to that I don't can I tell you wait wait wait wait wait third goal I said it mine is just to take better care of myself relax and to relax and to relax You need to get the PC muscle online. I'm going to be doing sleeping. I'm going to be doing therapy.

I'm going to doing water drinking. Meditation. Exercising, meditation. Meditation. Meditation. And then you got to. Oh, oh, no. The Bible.

The Bible. Don't you dare read the power of now. Okay. Don't do it. You'll hate it. Trying to do that reverse psychology thing. Is it working? I think of it out of anybody,

you are in a place to give people life advice. No, I'm not giving you advice. Don't you dare read it. Okay. Nothing happened to your brain when that anode fell on your head. Do you think that was the thing? But something probably fixed my brain. The analogue fell on my head and now I can speak Cantonese.

No, I woke up with a foreign accent syndrome. Isn't that crazy? It's not real, by the way. What? It is absolutely not real. Who's bacon? All of them. I woke up speaking in a Chinese accent.

and I'm from Melbourne. It's fierce. Mama, you're mentally ill. Yeah, it's fierce. Yeah, it's like... Mine would be so low. It would be like, oh, I went to bed

with a Milwaukee accent. I woke up with a Green Bay accent. It would be like... Yeah, I went from like Southie to Dorchester. Yeah. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy.

Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via Rail. Love the Way. Um,

I have to tell you what happened at the TikTok Awards. Nothing good. I'm going to go out of wild limb and say that nothing good happened at the TikTok Awards. Were people kicking shoes? I looked incredible. Were people kicking shoes? No, I didn't see that. Were you doing it?

Were you in the TV dress? Yes. That was Kunti. How did you remember the dress and forget aphasia of me? Aphasia. Aphasia Barino? No, yes. I have the TV dress.

I have social media and I do check it from time to time. And I got these two dancers. go-go dancers. Yeah. And I've done something go-go-dancers has never experienced which is cover their bodies

and their face. Did you use the helmets? Yeah, the TV helmets. No, these were different helmets. Jacob made these are TVs. So, we do the red carpet, lovely, lovely, lovely.

All of these interviewers who want to interview me have no key light. They're just overhead light, asking you questions. It's like, what the fuck are any of you doing? I forget to talk to me.

Somebody was like, what's the biggest faux pop, the TikTok awards, whatever? And I said, not having a light. Next. Or kicking a shoe

and having it not transition into a... Kick a shoe, but have it have a light on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to see the shoe turn into an outfit. Right. It's okay. So I do the little white carpet and then I get to present and get this. This was fierce.

The show starts at seven. I'm set to present at 705 and then I can leave. That's horny. Did you get gricked? Bricked? Yeah, as you're leaving the stage, you're like, oh, I get a hold behind my... Oh, no, was that six.

The show's at six. Six. So 530, I'm there. I have one little glass of wine because you know I quit drinking. Did they... Did they shut you out of the red carpet? No.

Not this time. They couldn't stop me. And, you know, it's the TikTok Awards. And I was like, these online creator award shows, it is a little bit first time out of the house for these people. You don't say. You know what I mean? I think I've been in the streamies. Yeah.

It's very. Yeah. It's very. Where the shoe? I need to kick a shoe. Right. Where the shoes. I need to.

Kathy Griffith. I need to speak to a gay person. I need to speak to a gay person. Um, so I'm back, so they come get me at 540 because they want me to be ready for 605. I'm like, sure. So I sit backstage. I'm just waiting many waiting talking to these lovely couple who won the bachelor talking to them about being on the bachelor. It was interesting to hear them talk about dating and it just like a drag race. They take their phones and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. We're all sitting back there and I'm in drag and I don't know.

I don't I'm like I said, I'm not really drinking. So I'm just having wine and tequila. So I'm just doing coke. Yeah. So I'm backstage just waiting and drag out on the menu. And it looked great. You know, some days with your makeup, you just lock in. I looked great. You did look. You looked fabulous. You looked fabulous.

And they go, we're holding, we're holding. And then they come back and they go, all of the screens are out on stage for the TikTok awards. Every screen is out. And so we're holding. And so me and some of the creators that go first, like Mikey, the rapper with the bucket hat. And then Ashby, do you know her?

Yeah, absolutely. So we're all just sitting there talking, talking, talking. And we're waiting. And suddenly it's 6.50. We're still all waiting. And the creators, everybody nominated and everybody invited, is sitting out there for 50 minutes. And I've worked at this venue, not good air conditioning.

Not good air conditioning. But what are they doing if they're on TikTok? They're just sitting. They're just sitting. They're sitting. And I only know the beauty people, really. So I can see the beauty people peppered in. Anybody kicking shoes.

Nobody's kicking shoes. Do they do that anymore? Do they do this anymore? I don't know. You know, like, no, now it's the come with me to try the viral shit sandwich. Like, you know. Today we're, wait, okay. This is a new thing.

I don't like fit. Outfit is not a hard word. It just, it's not like a long word. Also, Mary, there also, clock the fit. At least make it something good. Honey, girl. That outfit doesn't fit in. It looks like shit.

Yeah. But like, check the, like outfit of the day I get acronym whatever. That's fine. This nice. fit, I don't, I don't like it. I don't want it. And I think it's stupid. It's like, it's like, um, you don't have to abbreviate a two syllable word.

Right. Especially when it, when it is so perfectly describes exactly what you're talking about. Right. There's no ambiguity there. So what we had to do was they come back there. Oh. You're going to love this. And I'm like in a weirdly good mood.

And, you know, sometimes when you're enjoying you're a good mood, you're like, let's just roll with it. How fun. Right. No. Especially when I'm the only drag queen somewhere. Oh, that's true. And you looked great.

And straight people always are going to treat me like I'm a paid party favor. So I might as well try to be in character and like enjoy myself. It's like very, but I'm determined to enjoy myself. And we're running behind. And you know, all these straight people with their hair and makeup teams, straight, straight celebrities being inconvenience. This is World War IV, right? This is the worst. This is their shock to be betrayed.

Shocked and betrayed right now. You did it at my birthday party. So they come back. This woman comes back with a headset on. She goes, all right. everybody, presenters, what we're going to do in five minutes, we're, you know, rain or shine, we're just going to start. So unless it gets fixed, we are just going to be presenting without the screens.

And then in the live feed, they'll throw to video packages in the edit. So we won't have the, we won't be able to go. And the nominees are and have the screen behind us. They're just going to throw to it. Fine, because all these influences are trapped, right? And this is the one hour a year they've left the house. Yes. They're freaking out.

They're stimming. They have the fidget toys. They're freaking out. They've got three babes up their ass. Entirely. So I go They go yeah We're just having problems with the live feed

And I go Oh question She goes yes I go I have my phone here And my iPhone It's an iPhone It's an iPhone 16

It has TikTok Did you guys want to use my TikTok I thought this was hilarious To suggest something not helpful And earnest And I'm in drag Like if you want I have it plugged in

I'm at like 18% And if we start now I have the battery Did she goes what And I said Oh So I have my iPhone here. It's this iPhone 16 and I have the TikTok app and what we could do is we could live stream it from my TikTok account.

I have 18%. Yeah. And I have 3. I have 4.2 million followers. So I could do that for you. And I'm like two bars back here. Probably three out there. And I said, and she borrowed me her phone charger.

Oh, I think it was Paris Hilton's team. I had my phone charge into there. I said, they borrowed me. I've got this extension cord in my bag in my car. And I said, did you want to use? my iPhone. No one in the room laughs. Mary, that's like 20 people.

That's social media influence is for you. She doesn't laugh. Of course she doesn't laugh because it was the type of thing where I'm like, people are about to get fire tomorrow. She's stressed out. Yeah. And I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Yeah. And I'm what, binbo clown? You're throwing shoes up here. Nobody's kicking them. It's not my zoo. It's not my zoo. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Not my monkeys. Yeah. So. Not my snakes. Not my church. Not my snake church.

Not my strict nine. Not my church. We're going to get back to that. not my asshole. Not my asshole. Not my asshole. It's not my email. Not my asshole. Not my bathhouse.

Not my condombo. Girl. Oh, Bath house. Bath house. So I go, did you want to use mine? And she says nothing. And the room says, all my friends.

I'm like, hello, people from the bachelor. I thought we were, I thought we were my friends now. Can no one laugh? No one laugh. She goes, no, it's okay. And walks out. And I go, I turn to the roof. I go.

I tried. Wow. Love. The humor at TikTok is really unparalleled. What are we going to do? It's 50 minutes. There's no air conditioning here. And I know that because it did salt a pink disco there and almost died.

So I know it's hot. When you're kicking shoes, you're using a lot of energy. Right. Energy expenditure produces sweat. And mind you, I'm not drinking. So I'm having tequila neat, you know. You're just doing acid. Right.

And I was told at 605 I would be in a car. So it was like, you know. The TikTok Awards. The flip-flop awards. I know you get this. When I'm in drag, I just can't go sit and watch something. No. I'm sitting and talking to an audience.

So it's like I'll present or do the red carpet, but I actually can't sit through an award thing. I wouldn't do a red carpet. I can't. I can't. Not with the skin, not with my chicken neck. I can't. No. And in a city where no one goes up to anybody, something about drag.

Oh, that's tacky. That's really tacky. TikTok Awards. It was fine. It was fine. It was still fun. Good lighting. Well, you're in a great mood because you looked fabulous. Oh, I know. I walked out to the microphone. And you do all exactly. And I said, right? Yeah. I walked out and I said, thank you all for being here and thank you for being on time. Kind of funny, fun stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The iPhone bit, that's funny.

Oh, and then I said, that's comedy. If you guys don't know me, I'm Jennifer Coolidge. I love a nice little ice breaker. Oh, like, so when I, at the stream is when I said I was Charlie Steron. Crickets. No one said anything. Crickets. Of course, I also didn't present what I was supposed to do, but... Do you know who else was, who opened, um, do you know Lala from like MTV? She hosts all the different stuff. Lala, Anthony, I believe her name is? And you know, when you're in drag, you have more nerve to say hi to someone?

So I was like, I'm gonna go say hi. And I go, oh my God, Lala, I've seen you. You've been on my television my whole life. I said, I've seen you in so many things. You look beautiful. Your glam team. I was compliment the glam team if they're there. Because the glam teams get these whores together.

The makeup and the hair, she looked amazing. And I'm like, so cool. Oh, yeah, the TikTok Award is fun. So what have you been up to? Oh, that's great. Gay PA comes this close to me and goes, we need everybody out of this area now. I run.

I run. You take her person. And then surely enough, as soon as I get out of a frame, a live feed starts that they actually start something. So I think I was actually just walking onto like a hot set. And luckily I'm not such a bitch that I'm like, no, tell me where to go. I just ran.

That smells so bad. We got to go. We got to wrap because not only are we done, but there is a dog farting in the studio and it's turning me on. During my Lala story. I'm sorry, Lala. Bye. Welcome aboard via rail.

Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip. Play. Post. Taste. Taste. View. and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way.

Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip. Play. Post. Taste. View. And enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that, and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. Welcome aboard, Via Rail.

Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that, and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way.