The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Sorta New Year's Episode? with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Is this an extra-special quasi-Holiday/New-Year's episode where Trixie and Katya talk about decorating a tree? Perhaps. Is this an episode where they confront a deep, yearning desire for a miniature ceramic holiday village? Maybe. Is this an episode where Trixie and Katya wish you and yours a wonderful holiday and a prolifically-prosperous new year? You better fu**ing believe it. From all of us here at the show, here's to a 2024 filled with nothing but 365 days of pure, unadulterated joy and jubilation. To check out Katya's Wrecking Ball performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87rhhgodfnI Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Hi there. Now that I have the floor, metaphorically speaking, of course, I'd love to talk to you about me. I am not only a woman, a man, a person, and a goblin, but I'm also a vampire who loves to suck the blood out of human beings. And now...

Damn it. I can't find my phone. Oh, well. Can I tell you about my private gig? I don't know that you should tell me any. Girl, this is, what does she know? I look like Kirby. I'm sorry, I think I have food still in my mouth.

I look like Jigglypuff. Are you really here to spray Taco Bell? Apparently apparently so you usually do it out the other end you know not miss pink talking about brown um mama what is the tea get those nasty nuts i think part of whatever's wrong with my brain really loves monochromatic i feel very but I feel very peaceful when everything is one color. I don't feel at peace looking at, no, I'm just kidding.

I love, I love the peace. Oh my God. I look like a little dickhead up here. Like this is the skin. Is it P E A C E? We're talking about P E A C E. Oh,

peace. Yeah. What did you say? No, you said peace. I was wondering if it's P E A C E or P I E C E. World peace. I left it to her.? No, you said peace. I was wondering if it's P-E-A-C-E or P-I-E-C-E. World peace. I love to tour.

I love, I could do a hell tour. I could do a hell tour. We haven't, we haven't, oh my God. Okay, now I got one for you. My e-stem. I learned about it through the comment section of YouTube. East, or e-stem, or I don't know what it's called. Your vocal stem?

Mama, it's about, it's, it's's an auto stim or some kind of stimulation that I, it's an audio stim that I stimulate myself with. I don't know what it's called. I think e-stim is where you put electrodes on your dick. Is that what you're talking about? Perhaps. Are you talking about vocal stims where you say things over and over again? That's it.

That part. So I'm going to present my, so my, I have been doing this back and forth via text where I say, I hope I get it right. Donna, Lori, Pat, Shelly, Rose, Aaliyah, Brian, Darren, and Ulysses, thanks for holding on the fort. Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. You know, of course, what I'm talking about, right? With me, yeah. Hey, you better chill. But Donna, Donna, Lynn, Pat, Lori, Shelly, Aaliyah, Rose, Brian, Darren, and your list is so, well, it's not anything. It's just a list of names that it becomes like once you learn it and then you go back.

Because she was, listen, God rest in peace. She was twirlina up there. But let me tell you something about Miss Twirlina. She stumbled only once during Christina. She said, Christina, you have the best. Well, she said Tina. I mean, maybe. But she said Christina.

Christina Aguilera at the BET Awards, by the way. What? That's another story for another day. But Whitney only stumbled when she said, Christina, you've done the best rendition of I Run to You since whatever, whatever. That was her only stumble. Everything after that was. Oh, I Turn to You? Rhythmic?

No, I Run to You. Is that the song? Yeah, I Run to You. Oh, I Want to Run to You or something like that. Oh, sure. Everything was like, bam. It was crisp, clear, clean clean at least she planned something you know how much we hate when people get up there have nothing to say she had nothing not only did she have not nothing to say she had no cue cards

she was it was like for my cue cards for my background singers mama it all came from the well of her knowledge and i don't care if there was smoke and mirrors, you know, emphasis on the former. But it was just like it was a four and a half minute long acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement award, I think, at the BET Awards. And also she remembered everybody's

name. Good for her. Everybody's name. She's like to my Nippy family, I love my glam squad. I love you. And it was like, it was, she mentioned everybody. I hope I never win some kind of award like that because I know that I won't have poise. I'll be overcome.

And I'll forget like, no, I'll forget like you. Yeah, I know. I know that I'll forget. I'll remember somebody, but I'll forget a close friend.

I know I will. You will, you will forget the executive producer of that film. You will forget. I'll forget you, David Silver, our managers. And I'll be. You will forget. I'll forget you, David Silber, our managers. I will forget everybody. And I'll be like, thanks to my Uber Eats driver, Rodney,

who always knows to bring the bag around to the back door. That part. And then you say, because I would go up there. I'd be like, I would do it twice. And then I would peace out, kill myself. But of course, I will never. And I will stare into this camera, I will never, ever, ever accept the inevitable Kennedy Center honors that I will surely be given.

It'll happen. It'll be from Kennedy Davenport. Thank you! Newark, LaGuardia, Kennedy. Kennedy giving you an award, her coming out in a gown, dripping. And she goes, well. Oh, excuse me, a gown? She's coming out in half drag, waddling.

Like, this food nasty she's saying whatever and like i love my supporters i love my sister i guess no we gotta get her on the pod so no we don't we gotta get her on we gotta get her on um riddlin we gotta get her on riddlin we gotta get her mama she did we don't have to get her anything Miss Kennedy If you're ever in LA And you wanna come on the pod Please make it happen

I still text her I do too I Cause I She's in On my Christmas tree So I was thankful On Thanksgiving for her

That I had this framed photograph Of me gripping her hand It is beautiful Also Miss Fame is in there Looked like a dog From the profile Dog And of course Miss Fame Listen Mama Nobody. Look like a dog from the profile. Dog. And of course Miss

Fame. Listen, mama, nobody does it like Miss Fame from the front. But she's like, she like me has a challenging profile. Oh, I know which picture you're talking about. At some point they got the texture. They got the girls, you know, but it was me. Charcoal briquette. Honey. With cover girl. True last foundation.

It was Tim Allen grilling. Tim the tool man Taylor Pulling out his grill Smoking these meats Mark Zuckerberg Smoking these meats From the side

From the side Anyways It's a beautiful moment It was like Candidly captured But me And Kennedy Because

Like we were She beat me You know We had the last Fierce moment Of that season together And I mean I know She did beat you But you went down With dignity You did a great job beat me you know maybe she we later had the last fierce moment of that season together and and i

mean i know she did beat you but you went down with dignity you did a great job sweetie you people don't know this and people love to rewrite history they love to whatever they love to do i was there honey i was there you weren't there me and kennedy were fucking there but even as a viewer no no no no no no no she buried you mama you weren't there though. I was there. Kennedy was there. Rue was there. And then Pearl and Violet and Ginger were there. Sweetie. And Michael.

Michael. Michael Bichon. James? No, Wendy Williams was there. No, no. It was, who was the judge? It was, Michelle was there. And then it was, fuck, I can't remember the judge.

Remember Michelle? Wasn't that crazy? Oh, it was santino rice shake the dice and steal the rice and he read me the house down boots for that horrible outfit of course which of course he would because it was awful but he didn't know who i was you know anything about me anyways i know the outfit was bad i was at the end of my rope clearly um anyways long story short start gluing calculators to the chest let me i will redeem it mama that was a cat suit i made out of felt that did not stretch, that fit me fucking perfectly. And I'm sorry that-

Don't be sorry. I'm not going to be sorry because I stitched that to the pussy up here. And when I went spread eagle and cartwheeled, don't get it twisted. That garment did not break or rip. Use a zigzag? Triple zigzag, bitch. Yeah. That's what you have to do in the crotch for sure.

Of course. Fina taught me that. Reinforce it. Reinforce it Reinforce it And then dart it in the back hoe Did it look like shit Yes Fina would like Triple zigzag my crotch

I said Fina We both know That I'm not doing anything Where this crotch Would get blown out But she's like But like we both know That anything is possible

Right She's like We both know you should She's like suggesting I should move more This is for the future mom Yeah She's like

When you finally get it together And you're able to lift that knee At all Misery taught me that She's like suggesting I should move more. This is for the future, mom. Yeah. She's like, when you finally get it together and you're able to lift that knee at all. Misery taught me that. She's like triple. She said, I ignored the first piece of advice from Misery, the sewing studio. To quit drag. No, no. It was, don't measure anything and don't use a pattern.

Just from, I was like, girl, really? But she triple seam everything because it was to build it to last spandex. Right. Long story fucking short. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Well, there's nothing worse than having to bust out the machine to fix a hole this big. It's like.

Also, if I'm doing, if I'm, if my primary toolbox kit has pussy splat all over it, mama, that crotch is not splitting open. Right. Also, that's the intersection when you do a cat suit. That's the, it's a four way intersection. Yes. Four way intersection. That's when the veils between the worlds are the thinnest. That's the 4am. That-way intersection yes four-way intersection the veils between the

worlds of the thinnest that's the 4 a.m that's 4 a.m when you're when you're meditating that's that's the witching hour yeah so kennedy longsword kennedy i knew and i had i i'd given up the outfit i'd given up pro was like you could have done this i was like yeah i know but i my brain was fried girl i couldn't do that You're arguably one of the best sewers there, which is perplexing. But here's the thing. When you reach a breaking point, you can't go any further.

And when I said to Rue on stage, this did not make the cut, of course, I said, I mean, I was legitimately suffering. And I said, Rue, I have not been to a meeting in six weeks. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. Only a year sober. I'm losing my mind.

I didn't know that. I should not have said that. Good thing they didn't use it. Well, of course they were not going to use it, but I didn't know that they were going to use it. I almost, I was,

I was like very on the brink and I think they were like, what is going on here? Like they were surprised by it. No, give yourself some. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, I know Rue knew she would never admit it, but,

um, she looked at you and she said, you think I don't know that you're an addict. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no No no no no I know Rue knew She would never admit it But She looked at you And she said You think I don't know That you're an addict No no no no Look at your outfit bitch But I was What you need to get addicted to

Is invisible zippers Cause that installation Of the back mama You need to get addicted To a sewing class You need to get addicted To Jean Paul Gaultier You need to get addicted

To Joanne Fabric's Rudimentary sewing classes Bitch Singer Bitch Gooderman thread Bitch Bitch Yeah No but so You need to get addicted to Joanne Fabric's rudimentary sewing classes, bitch. Singer, bitch. Guterman thread, bitch. Yeah. No, but so, but I opened up in a way that was very not for camera.

It was a moment of pure vulnerability where I was like, the subtext of what I was saying was like, let me go. Cause I am going, and I was very, I was very, very, and it sounds so dramatic. Your catheter hair and beetle juice. If you don't let me take this house and make it my own, I will go insane. And I will take you with me. If you don't let me cut out this house. And yeah, it was very that.

And also it was like Valerie Cherish. It's hard too. By the way, they're not giving you bolts of four-way stretch fabric. Honey, it was a table of crap and nothing good was left. No offense to Hello Kitty. All offense to Hello Kitty. I'm just kidding. All right, anyway.

Today's episode is sponsored by Sanrio. Hello Shitty. Yeah. You know what the funny thing is? When they did the big reveal, I thought it was Katy Perry. I thought it was going to be Katy fucking Perry because we had the song. And the way they introduced her, this person, I was like, who was it? Hello Kitty.

It was the Hello Kitty. Oh, the real person was there. That's cool. It was just, it was a, it was a festive capitalist fiesta, like a fiesta. Of course. And although I do stand by my communist kitty, I do stand by my communist kitty. That was cunt. By the way, if there wasn't five of you left, you made a serviceable outfit.

If that was an early challenge, people would have made much worse shit than that. At least you sewed something. Who? At least you sewed an outfit. I did. I didn't. Um, I, yes. Well, yeah, I'm not going to, yes, I did. It wasn't the peak of design, but at least you could construct. Yeah, it do. But in the styling was where, you know, that's when I was Goldie Hawn overboard because the, the mama, it made, it didn't make any sense. I wore the boots because I knew I was going to have to lip sync. This is when you couldn't change, ho. You couldn't change for the lip sync, remember.

You can't change in normal seasons now. Only all-stars, right? I don't know. But you couldn't change back then. Now you can in some, we could in all-stars too. Because they, I think I started that actually. Because I had to lip sync in my latex dress and i could even walk in it so they're like if you want to change you can change i was like excuse me so of course i changed and lost yeah but um the but

kennedy is like i knew we were going i knew she was going to mop the floor would be and i and i was prepared for it and i i made peace with it long before we got there to start. And they were making fun of me because I was listening to the music in the bus on the van on the way home. And I didn't realize that when I'm lip syncing to myself softly, I'm going, I'm gonna see me roll. By the way, anybody who knows you knows you're not a Katie fan. You don't like her music. But I do have a perfect songbird soprano.

My clear mezzo soprano is undeniable. But most gays might already know. I already knew that song, word for word. Word for word. Yeah, I don't believe I am. Not only am I not super familiar with her catalog, it's not exactly my go-to list of songs to enjoy. You've told me before that she's the Jimmy Buffett of pop music.

And I stand by it. Love, not love, but all due respect to her as a person of dignity and grace, mama. Yeah. But she had a pooping toilet on her show. Catch it. Catch it. Yeah.

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But I got to tell you about where we left off last time. By the way, when I had to lip sync against Kennedy for the win, I was also like, why does it have to be Kennedy? I know. Of all people. But you know why they got to, see, this is where they lose me, the producers. Like, y'all going to be Kennedy I know of all people but you know why they get to see this is where they lose me the producers the way like y'all gonna have Kennedy up there and y'all gonna do wrecking ball I didn't even want to do wrecking ball no offense Miley Cyrus nobody wants to do wrecking ball I didn't want to do wrecking ball props I wanted something cool like anything listen

if you're not going to give us lip sync battle props then what are we doing? What are we doing? No walls, no support, slippery stage. Girl, Flop Tina Bestie runs that show. Flop Tina Bestie runs that lip sync. I love wrecking ball, but it's just not an end of season lip sync. I did that. Have you seen my performance of wrecking ball long before Drag Race? Uh-uh. Oh my God. I'm going to link to it in the comments

because I will pat myself on the back. I worked so hard on this. It was for Jacques. It was a loving homage to Becca DeBus who had been deported back to Singapore. Mama, get into this. I'm going to describe it. Becca DeBus? Becca DeBus.

She got deported to Singapore? Uh-huh. She was from Singapore. Becca DePlane. Hello. Thank you. Boom. Rebecca DeBus is what I called her.

Rebecca DeBus. Because she was a great big fat person and Eugene Tan love him we're still friends so when he left the show Perestroika it was a big big loss literally huge

and so it was torn up about it so I came out in a candy a bubble like a bubble gum leotard with a nasty, a bubble, like a bubble gum leotard with a nasty, like a blonde side piece. Like literally, mama, looking like pink, looking like, like diesel, looking nasty diesel. That's it. That's it. Oh, it's a Miley Cyrus hair.

Cause that was her hair at the time. Exactly. Okay. Yes, that's right. So, and then came in like a wrecking ball, a boom, a hand painted portrait of Becca unfurled from behind. And then this is when it really got juicy.

I was, I couldn't, during the, the bridge, Madge of honor was on a stool behind it. The eyes were cut out, blowing bubbles of tears through the eye holes. See,

it was absolutely, it was actually our, actually, it was actually, actually, actually, and then silly string out of her mouth for the very last bit all over me, all over me. Yeah. I was like, I was so proud of it. Cause I, I mean, I hand drawn the post. I hand painted the post i hand painted the poster it took me like a week and like my titanic thing where i built the boat it was like that kind of like apocalyptic style like when you don't travel you have a lot more flexibility

with dumb props that also once a month mary once a month you gotta gag the children because we this is drag race was on but we i was not on it yet and I created a show through me and Frida Frye's Nicole Pryde Eugene Tan aka Becca DeBus Nicole Pryde

Nicole Pryde yeah N-I-C-H-O-L-L-E long story and then Frida Frye's Jake Tinsley Mr. Lady

Ben McCoy Mr. Lady fierce love that name Mr. Lady Miss Georgette was the early one Miss Georgette yeah Miss Georgette TT Bomb yeah these names are wild Miss Georgette Miss Georgette Lady fierce love that name Yeah Mr. Lady was the early one And then Fina yeah Mr. Jet

T.T. Bomb yeah Fina Barbatal Fina Barbatal Miss Georgette Wait do you know about this queen on Drag Race called the girlfriend experience Let's bring to the stage Becky Smith and Roberta Wilson from the legendary House of experience the girlfriend

That's furious I mean Furious way to pick a name That makes everyone else look stupid And ugly I know like dogs The girlfriend experience. The girlfriend. That's furious. I mean, furious. Way to pick a name that makes everyone else look stupid and ugly. I know. Like dogs. Everyone has girl names while I'm the girlfriend experience. I know. If I had to go do it again, Barbara, please would be my name.

Barbara, please is incredible. Barbara, please, please, Barbara. I mean, it's so fierce. Barbara, please. Please, Barbara. It's just, it's so cunty. Barbara, please, Barbara. It's a great name. Please, Barbara. Barbara, please. If you need anything, ask Carol Ann. It's just, it's so cunty. Barbara, please, Barbara. It's a great name. Please, Barbara.

Barbara, please. If you need anything, ask Carol Ann. It's a fierce name. It would be so, somebody out there, please do Barbara. Barbara, please. Barbara, please.

Barbara. But be good. Don't waste it. No, you don't have to be good. No, don't waste it. Yeah, I mean, you don't have to do Joan. You don't have to audition to be Barbara, please.

You don't have to do Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in every mix, but you better put like a, you know, something. You better give something. Yeah, do like a, just something. Anyways, just be good. Yeah, I guess be good.

So I had a private booking last week on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Are you like Labadug flying to Dubai to do private concerts for oligarchs? I guess, but I only had to fly to San Francisco from PS, which was an hour flight direct. PS? Palm Springs. Okay. Hour flight direct. It was a Springs. Okay. Our flight direct. It was a birthday party.

For Jeff Bezos. I don't want to say who it was, but it was a very rich person. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't want to be indiscreet, but it was a very rich person. And I'm only saying that because I don't, I've never really met a billionaire or anything like that before, but. LVP? You're not a billionaire.

I said to Lisa, I'll fit in. I'm rich. And she said,vp you're not billionaire i told lisa i'll fit in i'm rich and she said no you're not it's like thanks girl no she's guilty today she's like darling your new money i know old money and new money do not mix she's like no you're not she's like and you're not that pretty i'm like okay okay all right fuck you lisa yeah by the way can i be friends with her not because she's rich excuse me not because she's rich or famous or anything. I just want to kiki about her with you. About you with her every once in a while. Oh, rip into me. No one makes fun of me to my face.

Every couple of months. Every couple of months. I think me and her have a little conflict over the phone. Nothing's nothing crazy. I don't want to go to her house. The moat scares me. But like, I just. You could never traverse it.

Honey. You don't have the upper body. I don't have the vernacular that I think I possess to cross that moat. Climb the bridge, punch a Swan. Like it's a whole, you'd have to really fight your way in. It'd have to be Swan Lake.

Oh, 12 dogs. They're all taking lasers. Catherine Zeta-Jones entrapment. Yeah. Sean Connery's there. I gotta fuck him. Yeah.

It's May, December. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So I fly to San Francisco and I, it's, they rented the, December. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So I fly to San Francisco and they rented the city hall. So they have me. People are coming in.

There's a metal detector. And as people are coming in and receiving cocktails, I'm standing there DJing. And they gave me a very strongly recommended playlist. So I basically had. That you play. The set was, I just downloaded the songs they want yeah and then i added a few that i think were fun and cool and similar yeah like two hour of me standing there while nice straight people and nice gay people walked in and waved at me and i'm just

djing and people are people are head bobbing but mostly having their first drink and talking i'm more like ambiance elevator music Or a threatening presence. Yes. But I will say this whole gig, the tech was flawless. The air conditioning was flawless. The pay was flawless. The treatment. About to goon out here. The birthday person comes up to me and says, you look so beautiful.

Thank you so much for coming. And I said, thank you for having me. I grabbed a hand. I said, have a great night. Birthdays are great. And she said, I will. And then she danced away to the music. It was really nice.

Martha Washington. A lot of straight people. She died 300 years ago. A lot of straight people, which is fine. Everybody's saying, Oh my God, you look great. Who are you?

Of course. Lady Bunny. Undercut and humbled immediately. I said, well, you might know me from, and they're like, no,

do you live here? I said, no, I live in Hollywood. They're like, you do? I said, yeah, I do TV. You do? I was like, okay. I'm a homeless person from outside. No, the energy was like, stick with it, girl. You're going to make it. And I said, thank you. So anyway, only an hour of DJing like Motown music. And then I went and sat while the people,

the people had dinner. So it was like two hours. So I'm sitting in my dressing room that was private with an industrial air conditioner and the window open in San Francisco, ice cold in there. There wasn't just the writer. Was your cock and balls hard and tumescent? Never let them see you sweat. Don't let them know that this is the nicest you've ever been treated. You were like, I guess it's fine. I know.

Every type of tea I'd ever want with a slice of fresh ginger and lemon and a hot pot. Are you sure this actually happened? Crudite. Were you asleep? In the bathroom, they go, we just want to make sure the bathroom is fresh for you. There's fresh flowers next to the toilet. Fresh flowers next to the toilet. I know.

I know. I know. So then. What the fuck? And they go to the bathroom area. They have cans of hairspray, makeup wipes. Like, like. Okay.

What about, where was the cyanide? Where was the anthrax? Was it a trap? It wasn't a trap. Well, half the reason I was there was because a few weeks ago I did a solid pink disco in Palm Springs. And some of Team Gaga was there and they saw me play. And so they reached out saying, hey, do you want to play an opening set and a closing after Gaga at this private event? I said, sure.

So I'm DJing. Gaga walks by. I wave. She blows me me a kiss i didn't get to say hi because i'm scared of people so i just like waved she's stephanie joanne germanotta yes stephanie elizabeth joanne julia germanotta so after dinner everyone moves into the ballroom and i i dj after gaga and so i go to watch her show and it's like her Vegas jazz show. No way. With all these musicians. She's in feather headdresses, a bustier. There's maybe. Get the fuck out of here. I wanted to see that show so bad. There's maybe 110 people in the room.

And we're all this close to her and everyone is excited, but not face melting the way like young queer people would be. I hate your guts. Young queer people would be like, oh my God, filming slay. Yeah. These respectful older people are like, yes, they're just watching and dancing. The vibe was so good.

I knew, listen, I've loved Gaga from the first album. I'd never seen her live. The costume and the makeup and the hair and everything. Perfect. The singing, perfect. Best singing I've ever heard in real life. It was amazing. I've seen the clips of her. Now've ever heard in real life It was amazing

I've seen the clips of her Now I'm not a huge Gaga fan I don't listen to her music on the regular But listen I'm a Russian pop girl Who cares The piano playing? Honey sweetie I've seen all the clips on Instagram of her Vegas show

It's full camp Vegas spectacular I want to go so bad I've never seen her Vegas show So I can't say it is her Vegas show But it was like her jazz set Yes this is she's doing where she does like poker face as a jazz number oh i don't know about that she's in the full high hooker heel in a corset with a headdress um feathers coming out and she's at the piano singing cheating out telling jokes and i was like this is maybe the best concert i've ever seen and the clips that i saw she was wearing full

like roxy Hart, Thelma Kelly, Chicago. Yeah. It did fringe. Yes. Beat it. Cunty.

It was amazing. Face snatched, makeup snatched. Makeup snatched. I mean, hair yanked, everything. Full lace. Perfect.

Like fierce, like coiffed dues. I mean, I knew that was all going to be due. The quality of the singing and piano playing. I was like, so you're telling me if it wasn't wigs and glitter explosions, you also are just a great musician.

Am I a Gaga fan? It was amazing. It was amazing. This is, by the way, I have still quit smoking. This is a zero nicotine vape. So I just want you to know about that Miss Judgmental Pink Panther over there. I'm not saying anything. I know. It's not what you're saying. It's what your eyes are doing. Ogling me like I'm a villain, a crook, and a criminal.

These are Sandro. Who's what your eyes are doing. Ogling me like I'm a villain, a crook and a criminal. These are Sandro. Who? Sandro Bernhardt. What about Sandrag Bernhardt? That's how I read her name on social media. Sandrag Bernhardt. Oh yeah. It does kind of look that I'm sure.

Sandra G. Bernhardt. Remember the clip of her we saw on the best in the, wait, have we ever talked about that? There's this clip of her. I don't think we should. I'm scared of her. There's this clip of her. I'm scared. I'm scared. Mama, I didn't see the clip.

You go ahead. Talk about it. I didn't see it. Tell me about the clip you saw. There's this clip of her in New York at a Bed Bath & Beyond. And it's closing, I guess. And she's like, everything's closing. Support local businesses. Yeah, she says support local businesses. And I go, Bed Bath & Beyond?

Am I a Bed Bath & Beyond fan? That's an international conglomerate chain Of people That uses But she was She was lamenting Like she was at a mom and pop Milkshake stand Like her local

Hardware store That's been Owned by her family For 1400 years Prince family paper Yeah, yeah, yeah Fox books It just came in

And ruined Meg Ryan's store Yeah, the shop around the corner And she was so Bed, bath and beyond In Times Square is shut down. The world is coming to you. By the way, and I love that she's just like us and that it's the little things. No, if you wanted Pizza Hut or Domino's, you love Domino's.

If your local Domino's closed or if they discontinued the cinnamon sticks, you would have a meltdown. No, no, no, no. If they, let me say if- That was her dominoes. No, no, no. If I, if like, um, if my, um, psychedelics dealer, um, uh, got nabbed by the Armenian mob, that would be my,

I would be Sandra. I would be Sandra Bernhardt on Instagram live. Yeah. I'd be like, I can't get mushrooms anymore. Look at this. The shelves are empty.

I mean, it's just, it's over. I was like, like she was like, I'm gonna go across the street to the other. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, it's just, it's over. I was like, like she was like, I'm gonna go across the street. It's so sickening. To the other, I mean, it's crazy. Bethlehem.com. The stores are open.

The stores are still open. San Drag Bernhardt. Yeah. That's another drag name for you guys. She's going to be in a suburb and she's going to find one. She's going to be like, the movies are back. You know, my story about her is in New York City, I ran into her quite literally the most terrifying experience of my life.

I bumped into her. She, she gave me the look like, like her. She's an icon. She is my life. I bumped into her. She, she gave me the look like, like her. She's an icon. She is an icon. I've seen her. And I told this before, but when I was on tripping on acid at home,

watching HBO, her, her nine months pregnant in a sheer dress during a standup, a one woman show, a little too much information for my young acid eyeballs to process. Let's just say that. Get into that. I'm gonna say that again.

I was at home tripping on acid, watching Sandrag Bernhard doing a one-woman show on HBO in a sheer dress while pregnant. That's a lot of information. So I ran into her and she gave me daggers like if she were an X-Men, she would have like

vaporized me. I have one more thing about that gig to tell you. So afterwards, Gaga finishes. Say it for everybody. I'm just kidding. Gaga finishes. Okay. And then they have me, they go, we want you to start right when she's done, but we're

not sure if she's doing an encore. So I'm behind the decks in my drag with my giant wig crouched down this low so they can't see me with my hand on the play button. Cause I'm like, all right, if she's really done, I want to be ready to hit it. Are you serious? Yeah. Cause I want it to be seamless and perfect. I want to get booked again.

I want everybody happy with me. So I'm like this and like this, and my wig's so big, I feel like lay on the ground. So I have my hand up on the deck like this. And you know, it's billionaires and Gaga. And I'm back here like,

so then I have to DJ only like an hour. And it was, did you love, not only do they have two... So I play two CDJ-3000s and a Nexus 2 mixer. They had one in the lobby for me to play and one in the ballroom. Two sets.

They were sound checked perfectly for me the first time I got there. And then guess what's next to me in the booth? A jelly dildo. No. A walk-in freezer from Oil Can Harry's. Close. You know those industrial air conditioners with the two hoses that shoot ice air? No, no. A walk-in freezer from Oil Can Harry's. Close.

You know those industrial air conditioners with the two hoses that shoot ice air? Am I an AC fan? Am I an AC fan? These are the decks right next to me. Two air hoses this big with ice cold air. I had to turn it off because I was cold. Horny. Horny behavior. It was – and that's when my playing it cool went out the window.

That's when I was like, you guys. And Jacob's, our manager's there with me. Of course. And he's next to me. And I'm going, I'm telling them like, I never get treated this good. No one ever looks out for me. What the fuck is wrong with you? How come you never got me this good before?

I was like, it turns out the straight people treat the drag queens better than the gay people. Well, let's just say Gaga's team came for the girl. She got for the girl she got oh yeah honestly gaga's team looked out for me that's the truth thank you gaga's team yeah thank you gaga's team but you know they're probably used to drag queens and people in hot costumes they know the score she is a drag queen in a hot costume honey and she's been around the block i'm sure she's i wish she would have been there You hate singing No I don't I was sitting there and I went No I don't I'm a singer now Right right right

Thank you It crossed my mind several times This I'm I'm I'm seeing One of the best pop stars of all time Yeah

In their prime In an intimate environment Yeah And I'm getting paid to do it Mama Gratitudinous Good thing happens to bad people Happy Thanksgiving

Yeah Happy Thanksgiving Turn off hesitation Good thing happens to bad people. Happy Thanksgiving, yeah. Happy Thanksgiving. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back so you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence.

Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at YMCAGTA.org. This will be the day. I talked to Ms. Courtney last night on the phone for a good long while. You know, the author of When Perfect Things To Happen, Beautiful People. Right. And she was, my God, the author of When Perfect Things to Happen, Beautiful People. Right.

And she was, my God, I swear to God, we are literally like, the two of us are the bizarre, I'm the bizarre version of her. Like the version of her that made all the wrong choices, all the bad decisions across the globe. She has a similar age, right? We're almost, I think we're just a mere three to four to six months apart in age.

You see a picture of her in Drag Eagle? That's my age. Except, sweetie, she's older than me and looks ten years younger. Cat shit. She is moving backwards in time somehow. She is, to me, she is like, I was like, she's the Anne Rice, she's the ultimate

androgynous ideal because she's so stunning out of drag. But, you know, not exactly a cartoon pilot, of course. She's a vending machine of sexuality. She's what do you like guys or girls yeah great guys girls anything in between i've got all shades all colors also yeah and also and then she's nice funny no kind insightful um uh she's a listener she she's um self-deprecating self-deprecating she's um almost she can't really come for her because she's already come for herself

She's not a stuck up bitch She's not a Pollyanna And she's not fake humble She's like I'm just an artist I called her because 20 years was the debut Of her on Australian Idol 20 fucking years Which by the way if you haven't seen the clips

Go watch them It's drag light It's denim skorts But that's the time, Mary That was 2001 or something And she looks Mama, and also for the first time in drags-ish She's incredible

And it's, you know I'm so grateful for her I just God, I love her so fucking much She did Australian Adore did American Ada, she did Australian. Adore did American. Ada Vox did American.

I don't remember if any other drag queens have done Idol. I don't know. Who knows? But she's just so fierce. She's living in Sydney right now. And, you know, oh God, I miss her so much. Whenever she comes to town, we have the only Kiki. I love her.

Yeah. And it's always like we pick up where we left off. And we know exactly, you know, because it was one of those things like with us, with the drag race girls of a certain era, especially, I love her. there's just things that we can talk about that nobody else gets and that you can't talk about to other people because it either sounds so unrelatable or obnoxious or bizarre right you know like when we talk about felching you know unhoused individuals people are like yeah i get that but when we talk about you know jet lag people like you you rich bitch well we talk about a lot of things off the pod that are not pot appropriate things to do with money or people we don't like or whatever yeah getting stolen from or getting embezzled, getting scandals, this, that, and the other thing. I'm going to just briefly check my notes

because I know I'm forgetting something important. I would check my notes. Can't find my phone. Who knows? So I completed a six-week porn cleanse. I fully completed six full weeks of not, I mean, and I'm talking abstaining from pretty much every single form of digital porn media.

Unfortunately, because of that, I had a, not a relapse, but I had a binge. I binge watched some porn, you know, which is two hours or something like that, or an hour and a half maybe. But it felt like a binge, felt like I was binge eating. I was on a diet and then I binge ate, you know? Well, what were you hoping that after six weeks you wouldn't want to watch porn? I wasn't hoping anything. i was just seeing what happened but in my experience any sort of sexual deprivation comes out in the wash later you come back hornier and crazier well yeah i i don't know

i hadn't i hadn't discovered that yet so that's what i you were open to whatever urges yeah i mean i think i what i had a hoped in what i had i't plan, but what I had maybe hoped was that I would maybe not want to watch it at all. That I would, I would rely on jerking off my imagination and then having sex with people in real life. Do you think that there's a problem? You think you have a problem with porn? Um,

I, so the problem with porn that I have is that it's so closely connected to other bad behaviors like drugs, drugs and watching porn are for, for many tweakers are, is, is hand in hand. When you came back binging,

was it hand in hand? No. So, so that was very disorienting. So I was, I jerked, I watched porn and it was, let me tell you,

it was so overstimulating that it was like, it jostled my nervous system. I mean, imagine not, it's like when you open, when you're in the dark forever and you turn the lights on, your eyes are like, whoa, it jostled my nervous system. I mean, imagine not, it's like when you open, when you're in the dark forever and you turn the lights on, your eyes are like, whoa. It was so overstimulating.

I think my nervous system was telling me, it was triggering, it was triggering, triggering. I didn't use drugs, but I kind of felt like I had. So I had sort of an emotional hangover the next day. But then I told myself, I was like, listen, calm yourself, bitch. Calm down. By the way, since when is jerking off automatically destructive? No, no, no, no, no.

It's not. It's not. It's just that the patterns are so heavily grooved in my behavioral, in my psyche, my behavior, that going down that road with a different wagon felt like the same trip it's like people who maybe it's not the same it's like people who quit smoking and then when they get drunk they pick up a cigarette it's associated behaviors yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean it's you're in the danger zone like if you open that laptop all the sense memories the the reflexes it's like well a little pookie tina would make this even better. But I didn't do that. And then I was like.

But also sex with men can turn into Pukitina. Yes, but for me, that's not usually the case. Those patterns aren't deeply grooved. I can count on two hands or maybe two sets of hands, honestly, the amount of times I've PNP'd with someone. It's usually a solo activity, typically since 2008. So anyways, but then I was like, okay, I'm giving myself a break, girl. You just jerked off to porn. It ain't that deep.

Calm the fuck down. And I immediately was like, Oh, cause I'm not, I'm not trying out for America's next top Buddhist monk. I'm not trying out for the chastity Olympics. I'm not, there's no prize at the end of this, um, aesthetic, uh, path. It's just about filing balance and happiness, recalibrating. So what I, so the, the happy middle that I've, I've, I've discovered or I've started implementing is if I want to watch some porn, I watch it, but I put a time limit and I shut it before I come. Yeah. Because I needed to make it interesting. Watching the same old porn,

watching porn to me is not inherently interesting. I want to make it challenging. I come every time and I'm not watching porn longer than five minutes ever. Yeah. Well, you're seven years younger than me

and you haven't fried out all of your dopamine receptors with drugs. So that might have something to do with it. I don't know. Also people are built differently. I only come I hardly ever

come more than once a day. Anyways. We'll say as I get older I'm more likely to do that in the morning than I am at night. Well great. And

now that I don't live alone when I lived alone I jerked off a lot more. Yeah. See I live alone and I love autoerotic experiences. Mom I got a butt plug up my ass. I'm stretching it out.

The other day, I was on the phone with you. I was on FaceTime with you and you sat down and you went, oh, I forgot I had a butt plug in and I just hung up. Sure did. I was eating lunch too. It was a very weird thing. Yeah, you were like eating lunch. This morning, I put it in at 9 a.m.

I trained from 10 to 11. You trained with this thing? I sure the fuck did. Training for what? One point fuck did exactly you do the math are you going to pull someone's are you going to tow someone's truck from your ass I'm breaking dicks off I'm making a necklace honey

one of those tailgates with the silver ball are you going to sit on that and pull someone's F-150 boop triple A right here so what did you learn then I guess so i'm so i'm doing so basically i'm when i'm training my glutes training my lower body i'm also conditioning my pelvic floor because i'm trying to not trying to i'm training to bottom no i want resolution on the porn oh so okay so as we stand right now i i have i have very light non-rigid guidelines for myself. They're just general rubrics that I'm obviously,

the main goal is no crazy drugs, obviously. And then that being said, in that arena, we can go, if you want to watch the porn, watch the porn. But listen to it first. Try just listening because that's fierce. Audio only. Because if it's one of them fucking well-produced, incredible sound 4K straight porns with splish splash,

let's take a bath. Oh, it's a lot of straight guys being like, oh, your pussy feels so good. They don't even have to say it because it's the sounds. I prefer when there's no dialogue because mama, it is a sound design bonanza. Oh yeah. It's just fucking, it's very's very very it's extremely arousing and you

don't know exactly know what's going on but it's wet it's hot and it's nasty you know there's a pilgrim moment in a soundstage somewhere turning butter and that's what they use for the pussy sound goody proctor girl goody proctologist miracle between two pieces of tofurkey exactly the foley artists the foley artists but um the the um fucking uh you're finding your new boundaries yeah so i'm recalibrating my sexuality and it feels like a sexual renaissance which is really happy for someone of my age well porn should be something you should enjoy without having to be afraid for what kind of behaviors it opens you up to you know know what I mean? Also, it lends itself to compulsive behavior very easily.

Like any, it's desire. And then people who are, what I've seen around my age group in Los Angeles, especially is that a lot of, let's say guys, but a lot of people just don't even, haven't even started the conversation or the inquiry of like, how do I approach this?

How do I approach desire? And how do I identify it as a major contributor to my unhappiness? Because that's exactly what it is. Right. The Buddhists say desire is the root of all suffering. Because if you don't want anything, you don't need anything. Yeah. Is that the point?

I mean, in a way, yeah. But desire is the cause of why we suffer. And that doesn't mean you live like, I don't want anything. I am a robot. It's just that you look at all the things you crave, like a hungry ghost, the things that you crave to fill you up,

that there's a hole in your soul that a lot of people try to fill with, you know what, here in LA, you know, bottomless cum dump weekends on OnlyFans. I've never done that. And I've also never really been into hard drugs. I'm trying to think of what my version of that is. I don't know. Look at her.

I would never have guessed that by this outfit and presentation. I know. I look like I should be telling this story. You look like a nine-year-old. It's giving inpatient. Inpatient at Children's Hospital. Yeah. It's giving children's mental health. J-P-B.

Children's Behavioral Institute. Yes. It's giving children's mental health. J-P-B. Children's Behavioral Institute. Yes. It's giving Chimo, honestly. Well, I want to talk about my Christmas tree. Please. So we got a Christmas tree and I guess I thought I would be like placing them and I kind of made peace with like, if I place them and David moves them later, whatever, it's like it'll look the best.

And I know my strengths. I know he'll put together a better tree. What are your strengths? Not Christmas tree decorating, right? Even me, I placed a few and I went, I should flop. Yeah. So I lay down on the couch and I'm watching David decorate the tree. He's going at a speed that is about one ornament per 10 minutes.

So he's like placing an ornament, walking around, pacing, looking at it. That's, I mean. He lays out every ornament we have on the table so that we know everything that's there. And then he starts placing them sort of in an order of most to least important. And I'm not saying I don't know how to decorate trees. He goes big picture, right? He doesn't go up and down, right? He goes big picture and then gets worse.

He worked kind of top to bottom. Really? Yes. And he started inside, outside. So he starts by hanging ornaments at the trunk. That's what you have to do. You got to go. That's the key.

I've never seen that. A lot of people don't know this. I know this is so, oh my God, it's so fascinating. But when you're doing a tree, you have to go in. So I've never done that. Never knew. He did it. And I was like, why is he taking so long?

I'm like, what are you doing? 12 hours? Density. Density. I went to sleep. He he started about 3 p.m i woke up at 3 a.m and he was finishing oh the tree fell over in the middle of the night so i woke up to him screaming and the floor the tree was on the floor and he's screaming under who's he underneath it saying please don't please don't like six ornaments fell off and you would have thought our house burned down he was like oh he's screaming like covered in blood screaming but then of course i'm also a little bit bitter i go to bed like fine i won't help because if i put an arm on the tree it's gonna get moved because i don't know what i'm doing i go to sleep what a lovely wife i go to sleep i'm attractive i wake up i look at the tree

and i know in my heart there was no way i was able to provide what was provided i saw the tree it looks so beautiful it was stunning and the scale of big ornaments to medium to small layered into the trunk of the tree i was like yes i was like this makes every tree i've ever had look like look like like jack looks like a fucking hammered shit yeah looks like a fucking three dollar hooker like left out in the rain yeah yeah and then we're i mean i love holiday rain. Yeah. I love holiday. You love holiday. I love holiday.

Fantastic holiday right here. Fantastic holiday. I have a hard time with wearing clothes that aren't pink. I have a hard time with I say like, oh yeah, there is bears in the woods. I have a hard time with

I love holiday. I have a hard time with... With plurals? Yeah, sometimes. So I love holiday. I love holiday. But I love holiday. I go through hell during holiday. It's kind of like English is my second language. I'm like, I love holiday. It's okay.

English is horrible. Yeah. I love holiday. I know. But I love Christmas. Christmas is cunty. But I love all of everything. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, any expression of winter holiday.

Okay. I support it. I love it. I'm here for it. I guess what the best thing about Christmas is with different Christian traditions, of course, you get Russian Christmas. Mama, that's January 7th. The remix, the sequel, part deux.

Yeah. Because you go American Christmas, you go New Year's, you go Russian Christmas, the sandwich of Christmases. Wait a minute. They're not on the same day? No. It's the Julian calendar, I think, or something like that. I'm not sure.

Or the Gregorian. I don't know what the fuck calendar kind of is. But Russian Christmas is the 7th of January. I will say, and I've never had a house, a freestanding house to decorate where it's like arches, stairs. Okay, rich. Okay, rich. Servant's quarters. I have like a good day stairs. Okay. Rich. Okay. Rich. My servant's quarters. I have like a good day and a half of stables with horses.

It was, it was gender euphoria for my home. Ho-phoria. Yes. I was like, this is the holiday home I've always wanted. It's, it's,

it's when your house becomes a home. It's a, it's a luxury and a privilege. It's beautiful. TV with the fake fireplace. Okay. Let's not get overboard. Miss thing.

We don't have people come robbing you. fireplace little figurines do you know how bad i want christmas elder fireplace that batch elder but i can't post any pictures because i can't give away what my house looks like i know because you did a tv show honey so just imagine there's christmas stuff it's pretty it's very pretty she texts me and i goon out and all that horny i know she's very horny show over there she's she's horny Hollins and their Christmas. I said, my mom and I showed her the tree and I said, horny holiday.

Yeah. Holidays are great. They are. But listen, they're not for a lot of people though. Not to be a contrarian or a downer, you know, holidays,

like alcoholic families, things like that. My heart goes, I was like, I was talking to my friend, um, who, uh,

I was like, Hey, she's like, how are you doing? I was like, good. I was like, I haven't, I still, she's like, I'm still not smoked. I was like I was talking to my friend who I was like hey she's like how are you doing I was like good I haven't still not smoked I was like haven't smoked and I was like wishing her like a happy holidays and she's like it's a tough time of year for me my dad died of lung cancer at 63 and I was like oh shit she never told me that she said that yeah I would

about six weeks before he died I said you gotta quit smoking or you're about six weeks before he died, I said, you got to quit smoking or you're going to die. And he fucking died of lung cancer. So happy holidays. Well, I guess my advice to enjoying yourself at the holiday time is doing what you want to do, which is not,

if your family really bothers you, don't go home. Yeah. And sometimes you have to, but sometimes, but you know what? You can always get up and walk away. Get up and walk away. Don't,, don't go home. Yeah, and sometimes you have to, but you know what? You can always get up and walk away. Get up and walk away.

And don't go. Listen, I love every single person in my family, but I don't want to spend more than three days in a row with them, sometimes more than two. And I don't have to if I don't want to. Maybe that's a luxury. Maybe that's not. I'm not sure, but it's a choice that I make.

Well, I always usually do Thanksgiving with David's family, and then I'll do actual holiday with David's family and then I'll usually go New Year's to Milwaukee. Love that. For family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you come do Russian Christmas in my house and then you do ass to ass on the table for a bunch of businessmen. I do taking

loads. I love on the apps when it's like Not holiday loads. No, I love when they're like I'm on my third load. I love when they're counting it. What about with those long texts that are like, I'm on my third load. I love when they're counting it. What about with those long texts that are like, you ready to have your turkey stuffed, you bimbo slut? With all the emojis. With all the emojis.

Stop. You know what I go? I go immediately. I go, contact, info, block, delete. Why do they do that? I don't know. I don't ask. I block, delete, and move on.

It's not funny. It never was. Contact, info, block, delete, forget. Spit on your grave. Okay never was. Contact. Info. Block. Delete. Forget. Spit on your grave. Okay, bye. Bye. Happy holidays. Oh, happy holidays again.

Merry Christmas. All that stuff. And a happy new year. Remember, every year is a new opportunity to become a different person. True. true