The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - This Episode Produced & Directed by Simone Biles with Bob the Drag Queen and Katya

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

As the world prepares for the beauty, grace, and raw athleticism of the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris, we are so proud to have had the honor of working with talented Los Angeles director, cinematographer, and exotic animal trainer Simone Biles. She has graciously taken a little bit of time off from her life as a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright and 57-time Academy Award-winning costume designer to help produce this episode of Bald with the unadulterated embodiment of joy that is Bob the Drag Queen. Enjoy. To try America's #1 meal kit, head to https://Greenchef.com/60BALD and use code 60BALD to get 60% off, plus 20% off your next two months! There’s no more shame in your gut game. Synbiotic+ and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide, your insides. Get 40% off your first month for a limited time at https://Ritual.com/BALD Start building your credit. Open a Chime Checking account with at least a $200 qualifying direct deposit. Get started at Chime.com/BALD or click: https://www.chime.com/apply-debit/?ad=podcast_bald Go to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. It’s 2024. Are you still feeding your cat kibble? Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping! Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Bob: @BobTheDragQueen Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Are we recording yet? I was going to ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this hat was a gift. Were you really going to ask about it? No. That's why I went ahead and put the difference out there. This hat was a gift for me on my birthday, maybe like 2020. Okay.

Or 2021. Okay. And this hat used to belong to Carol Channing. You're full of shit. I'm not. You're full of shit. I brought this and several other hats from Carol Channing's estate sale. You're full of shit.

She was selling hats, gowns, and she was also selling a Golden Globe and a Tony Award. Well, she wasn't selling. She was not. She was going to be like, please buy this. Yeah, this is $4,000. How much did it cost? For the Golden Globe?

No, the hat. This hat, I think the hat was about $400. It wasn't that expensive. That's pretty good for an estate sale. He bought a box of hats. He bought like four or five of these for like, I think like $1,200. Okay.

And then the – Certificate of authenticity? Yes. Okay. And how did that manifest itself? Well, we just drove down to the place, and it was all at this like warehouse in the valley. Okay. It wasn't at her house.

So how did you know that it was really her? Because it comes with like an authentication and then it shows pictures of her wearing these things and it had her gowns and her golden globe and stuff was there. And it's an auction house. Right. Oh. So it was like this place has like tons of these things. Gotcha.

And the golden globe was $20,000. I believe that. I believe that. Would you buy a golden globe for $20,000? The fuck I would. No. What if it was like how about an Olympic gold medal? From Simone Biles? Maybe. No. I'd rather just shake her

hand. What about one of your favorite I would rather pay $20,000 to lick Simone Biles' foot. I think she's have you seen it by her husband? Mama. Mama. Sweetie. Darling. Babalina. Do you know Simone Biles foot. I think she's Have you seen it by her husband? Mama. Mama. Sweetie. Darling. Babalina. Do you know someone by the name of Biles?

Roberta. Roberta the drag queen. I'm obsessed. You got me together. You got me together. I sent you a text message. I was like doopie doopie doopie doopie doop. It was green. I was like oh Android. I was like Samsung gang what did you do? Girl the pictures are fierce. It was green. I was like, oh, Android. Okay, whatever.

Samsung gang, what did you do? Girl, the pictures are fierce. I have an iPhone, too. It's in my bag. Sure, sure, sure. Listen, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I do. It's in my bag.

Yeah, of course. We all have an iPhone in our bag. Keep that in my bag. No, no, no. Don't worry about the bag. You know, you got me together. You got me together. You got me together.

You got me together. You got me together. You got me together. These are women. Excuse your mouth. I'm talking to people watching. They're all fags. No, they're not. They're lovely fags. No, they're not.

They're lovely people eating food. I don't care what they do in their personal life. I don't care if they're fags. 35-year-old woman, fags. The lesbians, fags. And the small children watching, fags. Girl, you got me together. I don't know what I was doing.

I was looking at my phone. And your impression of Simone Biles' husband. Actually, I don't even know who this bitch is. I never heard of this bitch. Yeah, it's like, oh, even people on Mars, people who are dead. Carol Channing knows who Simone Biles is. She goes, I feel she's fantastic. The thing about Simone Biles is, okay, for those of you who don't know,

Simone Biles' husband is a player for the NFL. But he's like not a big – he's a free agent. So he's not a big deal right now. No shade. He's doing quite well for himself, I'm sure. Sure. I'm sure. But he's not Simone Biles, who is inarguably the most impressive athlete.

Of all time. Ever on Earth. Especially still working in athletics. Ever. So this guy is like, you're a professional athlete and you're like, I actually didn't know who Simone Biles was. Well, you're going to love water then. Yeah, literally. You're going to love food. Once we tell you about grass, you're going to love water then. Yeah, literally.

You're going to love food. Once we tell you about grass, you're going to think this is crazy. So I did find that very – It's very suspicious, girl. I'm the prize. But it's okay to say I get that question a lot, and it makes me feel insecure because my wife is so famous and so accomplished, and I just want to be clear that we both feel like we are prizes to each other. That's not what he said.

I'm the prize. I don't even know this bitch. Yeah. She begged me. Simone. Simone. Simone. Yeah, literally.

Bowles. Bowles. That bowling bitch. Sally Bowles. Simone Bowles. Is she the one from Chicago? Cabaret. Cabaret.

Yeah, Sally Bowles. So imagine my shock when I showed up and it wasn't liza minnelli circa 1960 whatever anyways what year did cabaret come out six i want to take you too far back 60s way too far back i'm gonna say 73 79 i think you say 79 i'm gonna say i think you're right what is it 72 i was so close i love i love cabaret do you love cabaret very Do you love Cabaret? Very good movie. But wait a minute, though. The movie's fabulous. Yes, yes. The production... Of the... The productions of it live, you know, there's been

many productions of it. I haven't seen it. Did you see the Alan Cumming one? No, I did not, but I did see one in London with Trixie. Trixie was in it? No, God, no. Jesus Christ, I never would have gone. No, no, no, no, no. She's like strumming? No, God, no. Jesus Christ, I never would have gone. No, no, no, no, no. She's like strumming.

Welcome, welcome. I mean, that would have been cute. The bluegrass version. But it was a lot of songs that I have not heard because Cabaret the movie is cute and short. Oh, the play is quite upsetting. Two hours before the intermission. Two hours before the intermission. Two hours before the intermission. Yeah, it's quite upsetting.

And it's really sad. It's devastating. It's grim. And when you see Sally Bowles singing Life is a Cabaret, it's actually not this big celebration. It's kind of this artist accepting that she's truly mediocre.

And there's a very grim, dark undertone to all of it. Yeah. Because it's all happening in Germany during the World War. And Simone Biles was... Famously. Allied forces led by Simone Biles. And her husband was a no one. And no one knew who he was.

But Cabaret's fat. What about Chicago? Chicago is, this is candor and ab yeah i'm obsessed with chicago i think the the show is great the stage show i think that the chicago the movie is one of the best movie musicals of all time saw it three times in the theater i'm gonna give a top three oh interest what's the other two dream girls okay little shop of horrors oh and i did not say wizard of oz oh interesting i i don't know i mean movie musicals is that the yeah i'm talking about the movie musicals i would say cabaret chicago and oh uh sanity i haven't seen it i haven't seen it from justin mckelly

crossroads does that count does that count? Does that count? Do you remember from Justin and Kelly? I know about it. I've never seen it. Simone in that one? Simone in that one? Simone's in that one, yeah. She directed.

And he doesn't know who she is. The most famous fucking director in Hollywood. On top of being the greatest athlete of all time. Is the Book of Mormon a movie yet? No, not yet. No. Did you know that Mean Girls, the musical, came out? No.

I. Sorry. No. I was. I did. I literally had no clue. I was at the movie and I was like, Mean Girls? What?

As a movie. Oh, Hairspray. Hairspray. Hairspray is good. Hairspray is good. That would be my top three. Hairspray was good. It's very white top three.

But I'm white. You are. I don't know if you noticed that i didn't want to say anything i don't identify as white i'm screaming and you're all so much i think my car grab your android and get out of here girl my samsung car is here to pick me up you've seen the movie blackening no what is this one where the black people don't die first because everyone's black? I watched it last night. It's a movie about black folks and they go into a cabin in the woods. I've seen the trailer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But describe it to them. Okay, so for all you non-black folks out there, it's a movie where a bunch of black friends get together, a reunion of sorts from college, I think, on Juneteenth. a reunion of sorts from college, I think, on Juneteenth. And they go to a cabin in the woods where they are forced to play a game by this racist-looking Sambo character who's speaking kind of like a saw trap. Kind of like, you have to play a game. You have 10 seconds to do this, this, and this.

And the first round is like, you have to name, you have to do black trivia. Okay. Do you remember any of the questions? Yeah, how many seasons did Black and Viv play before she was replaced by Lyskin and Viv? I knew it was two, but

I just want to say I knew it was three. It was three? Yes, Mary. It's three. And her name is wait, Darkskin and Viv. Ooh. I can't remember her name, but I want to say her name, but I can't. I know you want to. It was Simone Biles.

Obviously. Of course. Simone Biles. Simone Biles III. Movie director. Gymnast. Yeah, and replacement or originator of the role. Writer, director.

Multi-talented. Yeah, she came back in light-skinned makeup. Not one mention of her in the film. I was plucked. Plucked. What do you mean? Of Simone Biles? Yes.

Plucked. Well, what? Well, what? I was sitting at home with my family. And we were watching Christmas movies over the holidays. And we were like, what should we watch? And we came across Jingle Jangle. I'm a big fan of Forrest Whitaker.

Forrest Whitaker is a brilliant actor. Won the Oscar for The Last King of Scotland. Yep. Felicia Rashad. So I don't know anything about it. I just saw it. I was like, oh, my God. I love Forrest Whitaker.

The movie comes on. I said, oh, my God. It's Felicia Rashad. And then within the next, like, five seconds, we realize it's a musical. And everyone in my family was like, ugh. And I'm like, and I had to pause the movie and go okay you guys don't want to watch they go no we don't want to watch it we're not really into musicals i asked myself i'm obviously not going to get this answer from you but why do black people i'll tell you in

large not like musicals i'll tell you what i'll tell you because life girl life ain't that funny i mean that probably is the answer but my nephew was like it's cheesy it's cringe it's corny it is corny but you know why you know what's not corny about cabaret in chicago they're numbers they're doing numbers they're doing they're they're as a dream girls too exactly dream girls they're doing numbers yeah they're singing they're they're singers stage so i think maybe the reason why black folks like dream girls is because well they're singers why wouldn't they be singing exactly but when it comes like here i go i'm going to the kitchen to make literally like when it comes to jingle jangle it's like you're a fucking toy maker yeah stop maybe if you stop

singing your toys will get made boom yeah shut the fuck up yeah but i love musicals there are black there are black people who love musicals no i don't but by and large i feel like what about the color purple i feel like a lot of black people did not know it was a musical which is crazy to me because it's advertised as a musical and and uh fantasia's singing all throughout also Also, Jingle Jangle gives you a little hint. Yeah, it says Jingle right there in the title. Jingle Jangle. True. Or the more, the Quentin Tarantino version, Jingle Jango. If there's one thing that man loves

to do is show feet and say the N-word. Did you notice that? You get N-words and feet. Who's the guy from Nickelodeon who was obsessed with feet? There was a guy who worked at Nickelodeon who was obsessed with feet. Oh, like the – Dan Schneider.

And that was the dude who – You said Dan, right? Dan Schneider. Yeah. Like Selena Gomez and all those people were like – And who's the one from iCarly? Miranda Cosgrove. What is iCarly?

Is that like an iPhone? I never watched iCarly, but I think iCarly – Is that like an iPhone? She was like but i think she is a she was like a youtuber right she was a youtuber and she called herself i carly because she was like oh because i'm internet internet carly i'm assuming that i sit for internet is an iphone an internet phone is like an internet phone and i think an ipod's like an internet pod damn you learn something new every day but they didn't get on the internet back then they sure didn't

I feel like I've googled what the I stands for and they're like it doesn't stand for anything just like you know Wi-Fi is not an acronym Wi-Fi doesn't mean anything it's not like high fidelity or wireless fidelity it's just like Wi-Fi I think I looked it up

and I was like what does Wi-Fi stand for well in France just like Wi-Fi. I think I looked it up and I was like, what does Wi-Fi stand for? Well, in France they say Wi-Fi. That's weird. Isn't it weird to you that like sometimes French people get so aggressive with Americans when we don't say like croissant? But they say hamburger. Mama, don't even start me on the French. You talk. They do smoke a lot.

I speak very, very good French. And I have a very good accent. Not perfect because any French person will tell me it's not perfect. We talked about you on the podcast when we talked about your French. Well, I have a good French. I speak French well, and I have a very good French accent. But girl, ask a French person. I'm like, no, she doesn't.

They're like, fuck this bitch. Whereas Americans will be like, even if you're speaking in the most broken, they're like, yeah, someone still speaks English. We've been pretending like Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks English for 40 years. Or Salma Hayek. Biggest accent in the world. 30 years in America has not dropped the accent so fierce, by the way. We're like, yeah.

We're like, yeah, Charo speaks English. She doesn't speak one word of English. Yeah, Charo from Spain speaks perfect English. We're not giving Charo a hard time. We're like, she fucking, she speaks enough. Three, two, one, zero. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy.

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That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit Amex.ca slash Business Platinum. Arnold could only say, I'll be back. That was the only thing he could actually get out in the Terminator. Do you know that he doesn't speak Russian? I mean, German or Austrian. Oh, no.

That's not true. Like, anymore. Oh, no, anymore. Okay. In interviews, he will not. He only answers in English. So if the person across from him is speaking German, he will only respond in English. Interesting.

And there's like a rare interview of him. I've seen it. Long, long, seen it. Long, long, long ago. Speaking German. And he, I think he's just embarrassed now because he's been speaking.

Cause I had a teacher, uh, Ms. Hendricks, my math teacher in high school. And she was German, but she just, she's like,

yeah, I'm from Germany. And, but she goes, but you know, I haven't spoken to anyone in German because my family's American. My husband's American. My children are all American.

All my friends are American. She's like, I don't speak German anymore. And I, it was my, I didn't even speak English when I got here. Interesting. And she's like, and I just, I just can't speak German anymore. Well, girl, German is whack. German is whack. It's a tough one. It's so hard. It's, it's harder. It's just as hard or harder than Russian. And it's very hard to pronounce, very hard to pronounce. And German people are are so exact precise and unfun in in terms in terms of like their you know the whole stereotype of german people being just like

well it's not wrong because i was in well okay berlin is different because berlin's kind of like new york city no one's from berlin no everyone's from everywhere else when i was in cologne. Cologne. Cologne. Cologne. Cologne. What the fuck is that? We did the show there and I was like, guys, is Madonna not literally performing directly in front of you?

Because they're like this. Like, is the queen of pop not up here literally dancing her ass off? Naked. Naked.

Like, is she not dressed like in a nun's habit? Is she not wearing these sparkly as Jean-Paul Gaultier corseted dress you've ever seen in your life at the age of 65? Did you guys not wait seven months to see this show? Oh, yeah. That's generous.

Yeah. I was like, this is wild. And I even learned a little bit of German. What you got? I said, which means like, are you all ready for an amazing show? And then I learned a little bit,

I was trying to learn a little bit of different language in different places, because I just wanted to like, you know who went up, went up? Where? Italians. Oh, absolutely. If you show them the smallest,

they'll be like, panties dropped. I mean, literally, all I said I said, Milano, Licona, La Regina, Tutti Super Madonna. And they were like, when did Bob literally become... Was she born here?

This is crazy. It's so fierce. That, or Brazil, mama, if you say, pregnant. Literally. Pregn fierce. That or Brazil, mama. If you say obrigado, pregnant. Literally. Pregnancies. You're now the president. Now that you've learned Portuguese, you are now the president of Brazil. It's so fierce.

It's so fierce. I was looking at, although, you know, it's funny. The opposite is really happens with Lana Del Rey. So her fans at concerts are wild. Like many fans are, but there's a clip of her on Instagram where she's singing. I got my red dress on tonight. So I was like, no, no.

Girl, I would not be able to continue. No, you don't. No, you don't. And he loves her. He loves, that person loves her he loves that person loves her i'm guaranteed have you seen the britney one is britney uh britney in vegas and then this big pause and then she's building up this guy goes who are you and then she goes it's britney bitch they know it's coming so some of the audience is dead so this guy goes who are

you and she's like giggling and she's throwing a bone to her she's like oh my god what if she forgot it's madonna christina and simone she can do backflips or she could back in the day back in what day and who she did them like at the vmas and stuff back in what day and who like in the early 2000s back in what day and who she did them like at the vmas and stuff back in what day and who like in the early 2000s back in what day and who christina i mean uh britney spears back are we talking flip flops and back flips a back handspring yeah okay okay okay back hands can you do any flips i sure can like a back handspring yeah if we're talking on the trembling i could do back flips and back handsprings okay how about just on like the on the ground um i would hurt my wrist but i could do it if I had to. How are your wrists?

My wrists are fabulous. You look fit. I am actually the fittest I've ever been. Well, the fittest. I'm not the most muscular, but the fittest I've ever been in my life right now. How does that feel? It feels fabulous. I got a hip replaced.

Titanium rod, bitch. You got a hip replaced? Titanium rod, bitch. How did I miss this entire chunk of the Katia lore? Was this, were you talking about on the pod and stuff? I don't know. I don't think I talked about that much,

but yeah. Ow. Do you have a scar? I do. Hold on. Yeah, I'll show you. It's okay.

Is this from all the moving and no smoking meth? Just kidding. Oh my God. Go straight to your hip. Straight. Just the right kidding. Oh, my God. It goes straight to your hip. Straight. Just the right one. No one tells you. Just the right one.

No one tells you it goes straight to your hip. You got to go to A. Everyone's like, the teeth, the skin. No one's talking about the hips. Those old people breaking hips, girl, they're on meth. Chuck the pookie. Oh, you think grandma's just old? She's on meth.

Everyone you've ever seen limping. Meth. Simone Biles. Meth. Why do you think she dropped out of the London Olympics? Meth. Okay. Oh, shit, shit.

Was it the London? Was it London? No, no, no, no, no. What about London? The Olympics that she... Oh, God. Are. Was it the London? Was it London? No, no, no, no, no. What about London? The Olympics that she, oh God. Are you really into the Olympics? I'm into women's artistic gymnastics. How do you go out ribbon dancing?

That's our, that's rhythmic. Drag me. So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because those are two very different sports and it's fascinating. If you're interested, just tell me when to shut up and I will. No, this is interesting because I love the idea that i know that several every year at least probably a few people get olympic gold medals for ribbon dancing yes absolutely which is kind of major but there's also there's not only the ribbon there's the club the ball the hoop and then you have all around

like a hula hoop yeah and the club is it just like the juggling club club two clubs yeah like a juggling club yeah yeah and um the ribbon is probably the most beautiful flashy of course and um the ball is is fabulous it's all it's contortion it looks like a big yoga ball it's about this big but they like move it around their body and like flip on it manipulate it throw it up they i mean they're all kinds of stuff but rhythmic gymnastics as a sport is incredibly corrupt because all of these, because like artistic gymnastics, you know, you see at the Olympics, Simone Biles, they're all, all the, the code of points in the structure of the sport is based on aesthetics, right? Like you, it's kind of governed by how it looks. It's not like swimming where you have time. Yeah.

It's just like, and that's basically someone's discretion to be like, I think this backflip looks pretty and i think her backflip looks ugly there's no instant replay there's for the for the longest time the sport changes all the time in terms of how they evaluate it but with rhythmic gymnastics girl is a fucking mess and why are they always moving the goal post for simone biles excuse me and i know why what do you mean moving the goal post i feel like simone biles like does all these things And they're like she's so good we have to push it further back They hate her They can't stand her

Because she's too good And everyone's like oh Simone Biles is here It's like Simone Biles famed LA director Yeah I mean Killers of the Flower Moon that picture just directed by simone biles she did it during the olympics and still got a gold medal exactly she led the allied forces you should have them on your podcast i would i would be so annoying the the amount of restraint

it would require me to have a civil um short brief respectful conversation with her is probably something i do not have. I mean the husband. You should have him on. Who? What's his name again? LeBron James. LeBron James is a famous basketball player. This man is lit.

Jerry Seinfeld. How tall is he? I'm going to guess he's probably like 6'3 or 6'5. Simone's about 5'0. How tall is he? Yeah yeah yeah Simone's a shorty That's probably why he looks so tall

Because Simone Biles is Probably like 4'10, 5'1 Just under 5 Just under 5 probably Can I tell you what I love Guessing heights, numbers, and populations Mine is in ages of actresses over 40 Can I tell you what I love guessing heights, numbers, and populations? Mine is ages of actresses over 40. Can I quiz you?

I mean, yeah, I'm not amazing at it, but I'm pretty good. Yeah, of course. I understand. Glenn Close. 70. I'm going to say Glenn Close is probably 73. 76. How about Selma Hayek? 52.

I don't even have a guess for Ms. Hayek. 57. I saw her in person. She looks 47. You know who looked like, I was like, where's the child you have locked in the basement? Angela Bassett. Well, yeah, do it. I mean, are you kidding?

She has a deal with the devil. She has a deal with the devil. Her trainer is the devil. The has a deal with the devil. I mean her devil is Her trainer is the devil The devil is Ryan Murphy He is the devil So Ryan Murphy has this reputation where he I literally just like plugged his show on my podcast, but whatever So let's drag him. Let's unplug it

Ryan Murphy has this thing where he like doesn't like to be critiqued by other queer people and Bianca was like making jokes about ryan murphy on twitter okay she went everyone on twitter yeah and then ryan murphy was like he came for her he tweeted back he was like but instead of being like got you but he was like i can't believe you would say something like this about me mama did you see kathy bates so he kathy bates when she won an Emmy for American Horror Story she forgot to during her speech

she forgot this is in her one of her like Vogue 73 questions or whatever it's called those W interviews that they go through their career

she forgot to mention Ryan Murphy to thank him during her acceptance speech and she was so horrified by it and he made her he was like

I can't believe you forgot to mention me and he wanted to go back and do it like what did he know he was like plucked in that in that nasty girl it's like wow like girl fuck off miss murphy get the fuck out of here but he did not like that bianca like called him out i wonder why it made like a simple joke something like this bianca's jokes ain't even that funny i mean what is he like what's he offended by girl showing your ass he was very upset. And he was like, I can't believe you would say this about me.

Girl, make a good show and then we'll have a conversation. And I think it was something along the lines of like, we as queer people eat my ass. Can you find the interaction on Twitter? Bianca Maria, Ryan Murphy. There was something. There was some background. I know I'm not making this up. It could be a gay assistant. Now, let's just leave that.

For Ryan or for Bianca? Ryan. Yeah, sis mobile. Simone Biles is both her assistants. She's running Ryan Murphy's Ryan or for Bianca? Ryan. Yeah, it's Simone Biles. Simone Biles is both her assistants. She's running Ryan Murphy's Twitter. And Bianca fighting herself. I love Simone Biles. Not every woman, every person.

I'm every person. They're all in me. I just go. And I'm four foot eight. Did you see the Renaissance tour? I did see it. Yeah, I saw it in New Jersey. I can't believe she's appeared that high.

Do you see Simone Biles in the Renaissance tour? So I watched the movie. Let's skip around a second. I watched the movie in the theater. And the fucking, I mean, the nerve this is so what is so fascinating to me about beyonce she devoted about 12 minutes to the the lovely women who are constructing this incredible stage on the screen and not one whisper of a mention of the word wig what did she have what is about her wig what wig her wig mama it's not the beyonce show it's the beyonce and the fabulous

fucking wiggery did she not know her hair no oh she didn't mention her hair oh she was like she said makeup glam hair stylist whatever but i want to know who made this wig no i want to know the swedish girls chained in the basement who's growing donating his hair to you donating because the way i watch it all on instagram is that unfolded the fashion show the hairography the wind her expert like it's just do you think she's like like like uh has like do you know some people have like five wigs keep swapping out oh they're like i know what i want on my head you ever got a new wig and you're like it doesn't feel like it's kind of like do you know some people have, like, five wigs that just keep swapping out? They're like, I know what I want on my head. You ever got a new wig and you're like, it doesn't feel like, it's kind of like, do you ever reuse your lashes? The best is the third time. If they're big.

If they're big. Right? If they're big. The first time is like, I can't even get them to stay on. A wig out of the bag. I got to chain it to the radiator or tie it to the exhaust pipe, take it around the block a few times. It forms to your head. So do you think she has, like has these wigs that she's like,

these are my girls? Her secret hidden wig technology is probably up there with Tesla. Do you know what I mean? NASA, it's probably funded by NASA. Of course, it's overseen by Simone.

It's like a shell corporation just for the research and development of these hair pieces. I mean, her hair is quite stunning. I mean, I saw her live in Jersey. I didn't go see the movie, but I did see her in New Jersey, and I was very impressed with just...

First of all, seeing her in person, I was like, oh my god, Beyonce has freckles. Really? And she's normally so done up, and I was like, oh my god, Beyoncece has freckles really and you see she's normally so done up and i was like oh my god beyonce i can like see the texture of her skin and it was stunning by the way person but it wasn't what we see in pictures of course yeah yeah i was like beyonce i was i was so close i could have i could have lightly tossed her a bottle of water if she asked me to she didn't she did not but i could have been like with very little effort did you enjoy the show i did

it was a great show so i'm uh now even if simone biles was doing a three-hour show i would get a little antsy just because the nature of my my personality in my nervous system well here's a mistake i made i heard you're going back on tour here's some advice i want to give you if you're going to see um madonna i mean beyonce show oh okay beyonce show i was in the beehive there's no was in the Beehive. There's no sitting in the Beehive. What's the Beehive? The Beehive is like the area closest to the stage. You're like, so the stage is like a stage, a runway, and a circle. Yes. So it's a stage,

a runway, and then it makes a big circle. Trapped. Trapped. Everyone else has seats. Everyone else has seats. Oh, boy. I'm getting anxiety. I'm getting anxiety. Oh, baby. I'm in the most expensive seats. I am where I wanted to be cut. Did you wear heels, you fucking whore?

Did I wear heels? Are you a Nicki fan? I'm like, pull up on the shoe locker. Like, what? I was wearing these gigantic sequin platform. That nobody can see, girl. Yeah, I found out. Also, as I'm walking there, everyone's like, a lot of people recognize me.

So, like, you know, I want to look kind of like Bob. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And now you can't leave. You definitely can't leave. And I want to be schleppy. Oh, fuck. And I'm like, everyone's like yelling Bob. So I want to be.

We're not everybody. To be fair, Simone Piles did not yell Bob. Well, she was singing. She was singing. And in the audience. And building the beautiful screen. But, as I was standing there, and she started pretty close

on time. I think that anything within like 30 minutes is for me on time. You don't think so? We're going to talk about Madonna after that. I'm going to talk about Madonna because we're not talking about the current tour that you're on.

I'm talking about the receipts from years past. Okay. This is from other shows. Other shows. I would never dare malign the show that you so gloriously

participated in. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back so you can let your potential shine.

Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at yMCAGTA.org. This will be the day. What tour was it? Every other fucking one, bitch.

You've been to a few? All my friends have gone. I could not afford them. I could not afford the tickets. I could not afford the tickets. But my friend Lynn, who is, she was a yoga teacher in Boston. Huge. Ride or die,

Madonna fan. I thought you were just being like, huge. Oh yeah, 400 pounds. My friend Lynn, huge. End of story.

Back to Madonna. Imagine. She loved that. She, on a Monday night, she played the Boston Garden or wherever. 11, 11 p.m. Eight, on a Monday night, she played the Boston Garden or whatever. 11 p.m.

8 o'clock showtime, 11 p.m. on the stage. And these are people, listen, I don't, mama, it is what it is. I'm happy to know it because I can't go. The thing is, at this point, 40 years in the game. Go 40 years ahead. 50 number ones. No, no, no years in the game. Girl, 40 years of hits. 50 number ones. No, no, no, no, no, no. If you come to Madonna's, to this tour, and you've been to everyone, and you're expecting, it's on you.

Oh, no, absolutely. It's on you. 100%. We know all the information is there. There's no surprises. There's no surprises. Also, she was the most famous person in the world for what? 30 fucking years?

Yeah. The most famous person, person. Queen of pop. No, queen of everybody. True. Not pop. People don't even know her music. They know her.

This is true. They couldn't name one Madonna song. They still know Madonna. They know Madonna. Everybody, people in Africa. You know her real name is Madonna. Chaconne. Madonna Louise.

Chaconne. You know she got fire. I'm screaming. I asked her this. I was like, I just want You know her real name is Madonna. Ciccone, Madonna Louise Ciccone. You know she got fired. I'm screaming. I asked her this. I was like, I just want to ask you if this is true. I heard you got fired from Dunkin' Donuts. Is that true? And she was like, yeah.

But I also realized that at some point in the 80s, there was a guy who walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and was like, can I get a, what's your name? Madonna. Okay, whatever. Can I get a, okay, Madonna. Your name is Madonna, sure. Can I get a sausage, egg, and cheese and a black coffee?

Madonna. No, no. Back then it was small doc, two sugars, and a powdered donut. And then you look at this fucking name tag and it's like Madonna. And this gap tooth brown haired bitch is like, no. And then she gets fired. I mean, she got fired from a lot of jobs. She got fired from the Russian Tea Room.

Fierce. Fierce. Because they told her to stop wearing fishnets and she wouldn't. Okay, now I'm a Madonna fan again. She was like, I'm going to wear my fishnets. I feel good in my fishnets, so I'm going to wear them. You know, I never knew she had a sister. And I saw an old, old clip of some horrible talk show, daytime talk show, like Maury Povich or something like that.

And the theme of the show was, my sibling is famous. And so this, a woman who was, I was like, that looks like Madonna. Holy shit, that looks like Madonna. Holy shit, that looks like Madonna. And sure enough, it was Madonna's sister, who I never had heard one thing about. I knew she had a brother. There's a reality TV show now called call like second close to what's it called near stardom and you go on this show and the whole goal is to stay as long as you can without

people guessing who your famous relative is oh wow and Tom Hanks's niece went crazy, by the way, Tom Hanks, his family is wild. Chet? But don't you con! But you don't know what you come round to be. You cannot come for that patois. It is wild.

And of course, he's every gay guy, well, fuck fuck him i'm not in this group but i can see it i think if he went to uh to to heart and we ho he'd clean up yeah he'd get his bomba cock sucked immediately and the more black scent the more people so i was on the same season of z-Way as him. Oh my God. And I was like, what was it like? And she was like, insane. Because that's what we saw out of a 30 minute episode.

We never told this. Guys, when Katya was on Z-Way. We were supposed to be on it together. It was supposed to be us. And she got COVID. Yes. They came to my room and they like, I was like getting ready. They ushered you out, bitch.

Oh, bitch. Mama, they... I mean... Simone came in with a duffel bag over the... And dragged me out. When I tell you... It was a little scary. I was in my room.

I was getting ready and then they were like... Came in basically in a hazmat suit saying it's far away from public. He was like, you need to leave. I didn't know I had COVID. Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't know I had COVID until I had tested before and you fucking kidding me? I didn't know I had COVID until, because I had tested before, and I think that I turned positive that morning, that day, because I tested the day before. But bitch, something about the fucking day there, I fucking got COVID. Bounced.

And they, when I say they whiffed, like threw me out of that building in the back of a, I went in like a nice black, like suburban, like a, they threw i went in like a nice black like suburban like a bit they threw me out and like rickshaw the city brings these like like a trash truck i mean essentially it's like it's like it's like a minivan that's been converted to a covid mobile and you're inside this like plastic and the and the driver's like please don't touch anything literally you know when they're rounding up the mutants and x-men

that's what it felt like yeah i was like what is going on and they threw me out of the i didn't get to say goodbye to anyone obviously you didn't say goodbye to me i you were in the dressing room next to me i don't think i knew i was leaving until i was like they were like oh come this way they were like there's a garbage go i'm being a little dramatic but they were like you need to go you can't say goodbye to literally anyone fuck but we did get to do our own episodes which felt nice yes i was because i you know i'm not gonna lie i was secretly happy i was like uh because i was like covet i hope she's not actually ill you didn't seem ill i saw it i got pretty sick oh you did i'm sorry i ended up spinning and i couldn't test it but i mean it was i mean i'm obviously i've bounced back yeah

and now that simone has come out with it, it's a hoax. Yes. Simone Ball is the vaccine. But I was, because I, in my mind, I'm like,

I did not only did I dodge a bullet, I had a great time because you two black bitches and against me, mama, I wouldn't have got a word out. It would have been so good. No. Yeah. For you and her,

for me. And I'm down to get belayed. I'm down to get belayed. But interestingly enough, it was supposed to be me and Trixie. And belayed i'm down to get played but interestingly enough it was supposed to be me and trixie and i said trixie trust me you don't want to do this end up doing something trixie like i ended up djing the halloween spotify party okay i learned to dj for that party and i was like oh shit crash you were at the barbie premiere and i was like okay so now so now i'm like then

there was something else that was when i like her spleen a rough shirt or her um uh the uh appendix like the time when her grandma died she's one of those people in college my grandma died again like are all your grandmas lesbians because you got like six are they polyamorous lesbians because you got 16 lesbians 16 grandmas lady, lady. The only time I've ever acted well is at the Boston University library where I got out of an overnight shift just because I didn't want to and I said,

I almost started crying. Meryl streeped it so fiercely that I was like, my grandma, my grandmother, well, and they were like, it's okay, it's okay. How was your grandmother? She was alive and well, girl. She they're like, it's okay, it's okay. Was she like, how was your grandmother?

Oh, she was alive and well, girl. She lived for like 15 more years. I mean, but I was, I walked away like, like one, with a half smile and a half like,

oh shit, like that was a little scary. It was very Johnny Banana. I mean, Johnny Fairplay. Who's that, what? From Survivor. Oh, I don't know that one. Johnny Fairplay on Survivor

told everyone that his grandmother was passing and he used it to get sympathy. And then his grandmother was at home. I wouldn't give anybody sympathy. And his grandmother was at home like, I don't know that one. Jenny Fair, Jenny Fair, put on Survivor, told everyone that his grandmother was passing and he used it to get sympathy. And then I wouldn't give anybody sympathy. And his grandmother was at home like, I am so alive. But also, girl, your grandmother, who cares? They cared and it worked on them. So, but I want to say you're good in terms of the city.

Not that the show's good. But you were good. And I'm happy to have been in the show. Laura Linney was a delight. I mean, everyone was lovely. Laura Linney was a delight. I mean, everyone was lovely. Laura Linney was a delight. Is it shady to say it was not a good show? Listen, there's so many shows that get made.

And even when you have an incredible cast, even a good director, especially when Simone is involved, even she has put out a couple turds. So, interesting. We never saw each other on set. I didn't even know you were in it until I saw until I saw you that was an outdoor gig for me

that was a little rough outdoor in a cafe I mean you were good your acting was good I didn't watch it I didn't watch anything it was not a good show

also gay shit I don't like gay shit Steven Steven not Polito is it Polito Steven Spinella had a great scene in it as well.

It's just the show itself wasn't for me. Oh, yeah, yeah. I did have some. This is going to be rapid fire. Okay. Okay. Just a quick explanation. I explain the photo?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. I ran out of time. Okay. That's good. Try to keep it to five words or less. Amazon.

Oh, this is cute. It's cute. You made this, right? I made that on set. It's hanging in my house. I'm not wearing lashes. Okay. Mama, this is going to require a little more than five words.

Okay. I still stand by this look. Well well someone's standing on the person i don't this person they must have come to one of my shows at some point they have a tattoo of me this person is never they've never come clean they've never come forward this person is so because i've shared this i think they probably had it removed they it must have it has to be covered up. It's me as the guy from the Goonies. It's me as Cher's son from that one movie. Yeah, the mask. It is.

And I cannot believe this person. Shout out to Madonna. Shout out. Madonna got the tip of her life. 40 years of hits and that's what she gave her. There it is. That wig is iconic and I will hear nothing else. I didn't say anything. I. There it is. That wig is iconic and I won't hear nothing else. I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything. The wig is brilliant. I ate this. I made that look myself. But look at this fucking shitty little necklace. Look at this. Look at this. Look at that fucking pendant. This girl's, a 16 year old girl's

pendant that she was forced to wear to her grandmother's funeral. On a six-foot-two, 200-pound monster beast. Why would I? And this was also my first time ever stacking wigs. Bitch, don't try stuff out on TV for the first time. No, but Simone did wear this leotard at the Rio Olympics. She did. And she won floor exercise.

And she looked cunt doing it. I'm very proud of this fucking look. A lot of people today didn't know that it meant cunt. I actually did. I watched it as you walked through and I was like, oh, it took me that long. I should get that look remade by someone

who's professional. And my drag daughter Judy Darling painted the aunt on there for me. Do you enjoy sewing? Yeah, I haven't sewn in a while, but I do actually like sewing, yeah. I love sewing. It's been a minute. You know, my sewing machine, I had a Pfaff. You know what a Pfaff is?

A German great sewing machine. But my Pfaff got all fucked up, and I got talking to this Pfaff because it's a really great sewing machine, but because it is so rare. It's hard to service, right? It's very hard to service. So I should have just fucking stuck with a brother or a singer. Get a brother or a singer. Get a singer.

I still have the brother, mama, the brother that I paid $70 at Macy's on sale 15 years ago. I still have it and it works. But I also have a $2,000 industrial with a huge giant immovable desk thing. The brother always comes through. They stick around. And I made a lot. I mean, you can tell. I made a lot of stuff. I won Drag Race. I made a lot i mean you can tell i made a lot of stuff i want drag

race like i made a lot i mean the other the the thing about it is i will never stop talking about it we got to end soon um but that the the financial hardships that people are now required to endure before entering drag race girl what the fuck is going on with that what the fuck is going on with that loans everybody does everybody's calling the mafia they're calling the armenian mob they're calling like you know around the time of year when you call chase they're like let me guess drag race maryland is like no you're like hey girl drag race how much do you want 20 40 60 we know who you are all stars again all sorry okay if you had to go but so let's say your your closest friend let's say your closest friend is a drag queen and she's right you have one who oh

say no but she's already been on drag race true so say you have a uh she's 30 years old she's been doing drag for 10 years she's excellent at it she's a little rough around the edges just because of money and she's got the talent you know she could win she gets accepted to go to drag race she has no money and i'm talking in the red why how much money would you give her if any i gave uh i actually gave monae some money to go to drag race i bet you did no wait did you did Did you really? I gave her like $3,000 That's really awesome Also Monet was like working

Like night after night after night Like picking up extra gigs, extra shows Doing more And I said Monet you need to like Just kind of take it easy one night Trust me you want to relax a little bit Before you go off to Drag Race She was working right into the end.

Up until the end. I said, Monet, just come over tonight. And Monet was like, I have to, I need this money. I literally can't come over. So I called the bar and I was like, do not let Monet come in tonight. You got her fired. Tell Monet that she can't come in tonight. And then I said, Monet, just come over to my house.

We're going to relax. We'll talk about some strategy stuff. And you'll just have one easy night. And then I was like, and here's $3,000. That's amazing. Harriet Tubman, deadman dead exactly she never paid me back basically yeah but what do you think is um say it was a gift now you're a bank now you're a bank trying to a personal loan what would you give to a girl who had potential to make you know i would honestly say if you can't make top three i would honestly say if you can't win drag race with less than ten thousand dollars i was gonna say ten you can't you're not gonna win i was gonna say five you can win it on five you should be able to win on five i don't know if you can do it nowadays i agree because getting

through those first three episodes is tough when i went to drag race i think i spent i think i spent like 1500 to 2500 yeah i have the stuff I brought from home. I spent an embarrassing amount of stuff on fucking rhinestones that didn't even show up on the camera. And it was just, the cost prohibitive nature of it is so stifling. I, I would never,

ever, ever go back to do a competition show where I had to bring the production value. It is kind of wild to me that we have to like foot that bill. It's insane. Do you think Judy Garland had to bring her we have to, like, foot that bill. It's insane. Do you think Judy Garland had to bring her own costumes to set? Not only that. It's even worse.

Do you think on Queen of the Universe, they're bringing their own fucking. There's no way those queens on Queen of the Universe are paying for those costumes. Or we're fucking here. It's not possible. We're here. We did not pay for those. No shit. You think fucking Sarah Michelle Gellar shows up to the set of Buffy and says,

don't worry, I brought my own vampire outfits or whatever the fuck. When they did Dancing with the Stars, they did not have to make their own costumes. Their wigs. They have a whole wardrobe team. And Drag Race is the one show where you have to like, and guys, it is. You have to bring your own duct tape. And when I say expensive, it is like you have to like and guys it is you have to bring your own duct tape and when i say expensive it is like you have to bring like 20 outfits and you have to pay for your own fucking

luggage there and back bitch it was so long ago i can't remember sweetie i was i flew there virgin i flew back delta five hundred dollars in the red virgin flew back a slut slut okay i don't know i think we should probably end it Thank you thank you so much for being here My pleasure It's good to see you Thank you for having me Thank you for having me here And I love

Love the hat Oh that was my Carol Channing voice I love your hat It's fantastic Thank you so much for having me on your program today I've had so much fun It's a pretty good Carol It's excellent

It's a pretty good Carol I'm very proud of my Carol. Simone, Carol, thank you so much. Simone, can you just comment below? You don't have to comment on the show. Just literally just comment. Mom, she's right there behind the board. She is the board. She's the board. Okay. Bye, everybody.

Bye, everyone. Bye, guys.