The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - This One Goes Out to All the Buttholes with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

I am the ring that no laurels adorn,A puckered little star at the edge of the form.No medals are pinned to my tireless skin,Yet I toil and labor each day, all from within. Through tempests of spice and fast food you regret,The burdens the rest of the body forgets.I clench through trials both noble and dire,An unsung sentinel forged in fire. But even the steadfast may weary and ache,May whisper, “Dear world, give me one gentle break”.A balm, a rest, a moment of grace,For I too am part of this curious place. Through trials and toil, both small and bold,One should never overlook, even the smallest of holes.I have found a truth both simple and fair:Even the lowliest ring merits tenderness and care. To see if you’re eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on Ro, go to: https://Ro.co/BALD To get fifty percent off your first month of Green Chef, then twenty percent off for two months with free shipping, use code 50BALD at: https://Greenchef.com/50BALD Get organized, refreshed, and back on track this new year for WAY less with Wayfair! To shop all things home, head to: https://Wayfair.com Need a website or domain? Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at: ⁠⁠https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD⁠ Join Rakuten to start saving money today! Join for free by downloading the app or going to: https://Rakuten.com Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. I have... Let's talk about it later. I have entered a vicious... So, I wasn't drinking for probably months. Wait, wait, wait. I got to check my tea. I wasn't drinking for like one or two months. And I just was getting wild and starting again.

And it's created a vicious cycle of having one or two drinks and ordering a thin crust pizza from dominoes. You got to get into better pizza. Thin crusts dominoes with just cheese. I know. What are you talking to? And it gives me either diarrhea or completely stopped up. There is no middle. And it's a surprise every time.

Okay. Um, I have... Will I shit? My brain's out or not do it for a week. Can we just get something else out of the way? Why? I did have rectal surgery and we didn't talk about it on the pod. Well, if not...

Does anyone want to hear about it? If not now... Did we really talk about it? Nick just started shaking his head. It doesn't matter if we have already discussed it. We're going to discuss it once again. So, some... We've discussed it.

Okay. Yeah. Adnauseum, in fact. Is it too much? No, no. I don't think it's enough. Please continue. I want to hear more about your busted up behind. I had to get a surgery.

surgery. On your wear? On my butt. And your butt. Because my pelvic floor dysfunction has gotten so bad that I was having all those problems peeing and all those problems pooping. So basically, but to be quite specific, so she'd be in her car or her, her, her boyfriend's car and she would just shit or piss. That's not true. That didn't happen. Well, then why did you have to go to the public floor doctor? I thought it was because you were spontaneously pissing and shitting yourself. No, in public. Locked. Locked. So you weren't able to. Things were getting locked. I was peeing 20 times a day, a tablespoon at a time. Ew.

It was awful. Why a tablespoon? My body was retaining urine. All of the muscles in this area have been so tense from the panic and anxiety that nothing is flowing. Okay? Okay. Queen. So finally, I just, I don't even know.

You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. If I can't tell these people about this. Yeah. If I can't demystify the stigma. Yeah. surrounding rectal surgeries.

What the stigma? Then I'm not doing... With the stigma. If I'm not, then I'm not doing my job. So, I won't bore everybody. Do due diligence. Do due diligence.

I won't give everybody all the details. Actually, I want them all. And I am everybody. So spill it. So I got a bad, huge, painful, external thrombosed haemoroid. Okay.

That is disgusting. And the pain was so bad. I could feel my heartbeat in it. It was awful. I can feel my heart beat in. And the doctor goes, yeah, this would have never resolved

in its own yet. of surgery. So he calls for surgery a week later. So again, let me tell you the levels. First of all, all of my amethic and I'm on for my an angloosing spondylitis, which is an inflammatory disorder, they have to stop taking those for surgery. Yeah. So all my arthritis comes rocketing. So you're the wicked witch. Full body inflammation. Yeah. Fever, like everything. My knees, everything. So all my arthritis hits hard. And then they did not tell me about this. But apparently this is like one of the most common complications when being put under. Death.

Oh no. So I have too much panic and anxiety. I'm in the doctor with the paper thing on, the paper gown. I probably waited for an hour before I got put under. Cried the whole time. Cried the whole time. Cried so bad so they called my boyfriend and it come sit by me and I just cried. Tears, big fat, tears rolling.

Couldn't stop because I'm so scared to being put under. I don't know. Panic and anxiety. So they don't tell you this. one of the most common complications is that while you're under anesthesia, they nick the cornea. They can abase your cornea. So I guess I was face down.

Because their ass is too fat. And my eye was open and got scratched. So not only do I have, I go home from this surgery. Like, there's so much bandage wrapped all the way around me. My butt is mailboxes, et cetera. It is basically taped shut with packaging everywhere. And they said you're going to want to just keep the sound for like a full day. Try not to go to the bathroom.

If you can't go, great, great. Try not to go to the bathroom. And I'm coming out of anesthesia, I go, I can't see. My eyes scratched. I know what it feels like to have a scratched eye. I was like, my eye scratched. Apparently it's super common. They have to tape your eye shut.

I don't think my eyes were taped shut. It was awful. So I'm pissed because obviously I just had to my butthole cut open. You can't go to the bathroom and you can't see. Can't see. So I'm just laying on the couch. And they give me pain pills, which I hate. Also, the pain, that's going to, like, stop you up more even more.

So I'm taking maybe six gallons of Mirlax a day to make sure everything is good. Because when that area is healing, you can't be pressing, right? Everything has to come out smooth and easy. Yeah, which has never happened a day in your life. So I'm trying to, I'm trying to heal myself and heal the world. So my boyfriend's never seen All-Stars too. And I said, you know, if you want to see Katia really amazing on Drag Race, you got to watch this. We put on episode one, The Talent Show.

and I'm waiting to rewatch the whole thing because I want us to watch it together but I just wanted to watch one episode to show my boyfriend. I take a picture, and I'm on pain pills, I take a picture of the TV with like you doing like gymnastics. And I put on my story.

And after I put it on the story, I realize there's a huge jug of Miralax on the table. So people probably think I'm just sitting home, blown ass, watching RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars 2. I'm stopped up, so what do I do? I put on the RuPaul's show, and I drink a gallon of mirror wax.

Yep. Isn't that crazy? I watch content TV and have mirror wax. I got to shit myself. So bad. But anyway, I'm three weeks out. The doctor said I'm 75% healed.

I'm doing good. Oh, baby. Can we get a round of applause for her blown out booty hole? But if you can avoid having to have that surgery, I really, really, really,

really would recommend it. And the first time I went to the bathroom, screaming. Screaming, blood. Not pain, but fear. Mother, brother, sister, gone.

Gone. The whole area. is so swollen that you're like scared to go to the bathroom. I've never been scared to go to the bathroom. It was so bad. That's tough.

But I'm healing now. Well, congratulations. That is not... Take seven to eight little bird baths my butt every day and then have to add lotions and potions. I heard about that. Because a lot of friends of mine

have to get their pussy holes blown out. But I will say, ever since I started talking about this and this, people have come forward. A number of gay men who've reached out and said, can I have the number for your proctologist,

I have fissures. Yeah. Fistulas. Fisors. Yeah. The girls all have secret private, pain. Secret private, torn apart holes.

Yeah. And they need a referral. They're blown out. They're in trouble. Yeah. Fagis are hurting. And I don't like being put under. It's scary.

Everything about it scares me. We talked about this before because I listened to it. But. We did. Oh. No, no, no. No. Just this point I'm about to say like the, I'm, I think that it's, so what you're

describing is anxiety. Like, there's fear. Like, I'm afraid of a tie. that's about to pounds on me and like your body has a response to it. Right. But like anxiety like is like this like is a is a maladaptive behavior pattern. Right. And it's not a joke.

It's not a joke. No, it's really, really horrible. It's capital, it's been capital de-debilitating. Yeah, yeah. No, and so I, I swear to God for like, I would, I would estimate that from my earliest memory, say like four, five, six, seven, whatever, up until 22, every single night, debilitating anxiety every single night without stop. It doesn't matter.

School, no school, whatever. Every single night, hour to two hours to get to sleep because my brain is spinning with anxiety. Yeah. Diarrhea all the time. I was like, I noticed I'm waking up freaking out. And I googled it. And apparently before you wake up,

your body starts to naturally produce like stress hormone so that you, to help you get up. And if you have stress, anxiety problems, that, like, plus that is too much. Yeah. I've been waking up six, seven wide awake, freaked out. Like Gary Busey. Eyes open.

Yeah. Horrible. Don't love it. Don't love it. No, it's horrible. Don't love it. If I was born in another time and I didn't grow up in the 50s, I would have had a generalized anxiety disorder for sure. Oh, yeah.

Generalized GAD. Oh, yeah. And then I'd be put on anti-anxiety medicine daily. Therapy, I'm in therapy twice a week now. The F-A-Gs are hurting. They are. The Fag's are her. The Fag's are anxious.

But I'm committed to overcoming. Learning how to. With pharmaceuticals, of course. Learning how to hand. Or maybe not. No, no. I'm just trying to learn how to not freak out. I was never like this.

I was never like this. What turned you into this, being gay? Maybe like two years ago when I had that MTV. It all started. But I was never like this. I thought all of you were weak and weird. 35. But 34 is you this year.

That's when everything changes. Your body's changing. Body's changing. No, I'm serious, though. Like, how do you deal with the threat that's not there? Well, lately, my strategy is to actually physically pivot and do something else, particularly creative project, drag, something beauty or drag-related. What if you can't do anything?

It gets me very present. Okay. What is another way to get present if you can do something? Have you ever tried meditating? Yeah. You want me to sit and think. Not think. I want you to sit.

I know. Every time somebody recommends meditation, I get mad because I know it works. Yeah. Every single person on the planet Earth, if they're asked about meditation and they've thought about it or it has been suggested to them, they say,

I know I should do it, but I don't. That's the 100% of people that say say about meditation. Yeah. Deep breathing. Deep breathing. Stretching. Stretching. Yeah.

I do stretching a lot to get to combat. Got an inversion table. What is that? Flip me upside down. What? Are you serious? Hang upside down. Got it at my house.

Love it. Got it for Christmas. Say more about that. Well, I want to know about it. I'll show you a video. I want to experience that. Um,

yeah, it's very you. I think you would get addicted to it. And let me tell you, the veins on your head would get so big upside down. But I go upside down. Ropes. I just don't have a table. You, this is, girl, this, this is where I'm at.

Love it. Oh, but I don't need that. I could just go to a handstand. Oh. Right? Yeah. Oh, but it's, it's relax. it is you hang from your feet so your vertebrae gets so stretched out your own body weight stretches you out

I feel like that happens in a handstand though maybe not maybe not because you're tense your and your weight is your weight isn't supported in any way it's stacking it's still the body weight stacking on it's how much that cost I don't know I got it for Christmas who gave it to you Santa my boyfriend okay can we ask him queen yeah probably probably so that's really cool what do you say to the kids out there who have to who who are trying to overcome their anxiety okay Now, this is not a joke, and I'm not joking. I've seriously spent almost my entire, like, childhood in teenage years and early adulthood. And I can't overstate this.

I can't exaggerate this. A constant hum of undeniable, unavoidable, capital A anxiety, scared of everything. Everything. And not just everything, scared of nothing. Like, nothing. Like, what are you afraid of nothing? Vivid assurance that I'm going to die that day. Someone I love is going to die.

Or I'm going to, I'm going to experience the ultimate humiliation. I'm going to be, I'm going to be so humiliated that I'll have to kill myself. Huge personal crises of faith surround artistry. Sure. You're not funny. I'm a fraud. I suck. People are just, people just give me the benefit of doubt for some reason.

That's going to run out soon. Yep. Whatever, whatever. Yep, yep, yep. All of that, yeah, it's like the, it's the worst thing ever. and it's one two or a few like things that I I had to learn that like a life is not a competition and it's not a game like there's not a game like you don't win or lose that life or whatever and that sounds corny but like the other thing was um the the there's a friction

between your non-acceptance of whatever is happening and you're like I say this like the the level of your discomfort can be measured by the degree to which you are in opposition to what is happening. Does that make sense? Can you say it again? The degree, the level, okay, the degree of your discomfort is, like, directly proportionate to the amount of, when you're not accepting reality. I can't, I want to, how do I say this? So like, what is it?

So it's like non-acceptance of, I don't know, I don't know how to make the point. Forget it. Did you want me to get you some speech pathology? Yeah. No, it's like a really simple thing. The Fag's are hurting. The FagGs are hurting. So like, it's, oh, I'll have to go up and look up my encyclopedia Britannica later.

I'm sorry. You're just going to have to go look it up. Yeah, I'm going to have to go look it up. Now I'm a fraud. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I should go kill myself. See, that's the behavior pattern. That's what I mean to.

Yeah. And then there's also the second hand of it is knowing that your anxiety about scenario is kind of unfounded and then beating yourself up for being stuck in the imagined scenarios. Yep, yep, yep, yeah. Concerned about events that haven't happened. Yeah, it has a, um, there's a feedback loop that happens to it. Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, every day, like, I, I think it was like until Drag Race. I was like, I was like 30 then. I felt it every night on Drag Race, like, the most insane, like, when I kill myself, anxiety. And it was like, where you can't eat, you can't sleep. Oh, yeah. It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Because the surgery haven't been able to exercise at all. That's really bad for anxiety. They don't let you exercise at all. That's crazy. And that's been kind of making it worse. That's crazy. Yeah. I hate...

Sometimes a physical experience of exercise is very grounding. Yeah. I was going to say like it's like the number one. It's like whenever your doctor's like, I don't know, it's like, are you exercising? Are you moving your body? Are you drinking water? Are you sleeping? So all the basic stuff. If you can't, like, do that, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. What about joy and positivity? Are you excited? Are you guys performing at... Apocalyptic. Tonight. At the plaza.

Yep. Let's talk about Plaza. Let's talk about it. Let's really talk about it. If you would like to wait 40 minutes for a bottle of water, that's $10 cash, go to Plaza. I don't have experience waiting for the drinks, but I do know it does take forever. Apocalyptic gets full every time. It does.

They will not hire more than one bartender. Why is that, do you think? Who is not really that interested in tending bar? No. It's more of like a, it's more of a show. But you know what it is? I don't you think in L.A.? Do the Gays even drink anymore?

Don't they do pills? I think they're doing G. I think they're doing G. I've read a funny tweet the other day. It's like, what's, I guess there's like a trend of like somebody asking a question and then somebody quote tweeting it and saying, I know, but you don't want to hear it. You know what you mean?

Girl. You're not going to like the answer. I think I heard a clip of you describing ketamine as I'm like three feet to the left. That was my friend. Yeah, that's what my friend said. And I agree. That is what it is. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is like, what I wish there was something that could like mimic the feeling of having eight beers but won't get you fat. And somebody's like, I know, but you're not going to like it. G. G. G. Yeah.

Do you, how much G do you do? Maybe it has something to do with your anxiety. I did it once in 2000. Maybe you should stop doing G. 14? 2014. Yeah. I did it after, right before Drag Race.

Up until. Do you remember on season 7 of Drag Race? I had a sunburn on half my body. I don't. I did a bunch of drugs and fell asleep on a roof somewhere. Ages ago. Maybe you should start doing G again. One time I was at a party.

Kim and I were talking about, oh, Kim and I were talking about this last night. I saw Kim Chi at Nymphium Plastic show The Serpents Tour. You're going to tell me about it. Everybody should go see. Go see it. Kim and I, obviously, when we get together, we immediately reminisce about like things that just like only she will remember

that we were together and it was crazy. One time she now were to party in Milwaukee at this giant house party and somebody had a tiny when people pull out the tiniest little piece of drug bag little plastic bag Ziploc from a Barbie like really it's like a zip lock from a Barbie

American girl doll zip lock Like Little purse They had pills in there I remember they had Kim and I were talking about They had pills in there that had They got in the hot tub And it perforated the water and melted the pills

and the person was dipping their pinky into the melted pills and like trying to eat it. That's crazy. And offered Kim and I someone. We were like, Hot tub pills. And he described it as Chinese Viagra. I don't know if that's real.

Chinese Viagra? I thought everybody would respond to the same, to the same Viagra, right? It's not racially charged. Right? Did you breathe? I don't know. Chinese Viagra?

Maybe that was a street name. I like don't know. I don't know. That's crazy. I was talking to a friend about drugs. And I was like, crack? What is it? Okay.

I was just going to say, we can't, is this crack or crack? What is crack? Because crap. What is crank? Okay. Okay. What did they say? Because I know what they are.

I don't know. Well, crack. I got to admit, I fling that term around willy-nilly. When I call you a crack, no, I don't do crack. No, I don't do crack. Yeah, I don't do crack. But I say that all the time, too. I use it as a catch-all for hardcore drugs that are usually vaporizing.

Is everything correct? Isn't it like in the south how they say a Coke, but it's any soda? That's exactly what I, that's exactly. Yeah. Or a Coke. What kind of Coke do you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, famously, a drag queen that I worked with, I'll never forget this. They're like, I don't smoke crack. I have free base. Right. So good. I'm heading to Phoenix for a gig and while half the country is slipping on ice and shoveling driveways, I'm packing sunglasses and a bikini. That Phoenix sunshine just hits different, especially when you booked

an amazing house on Airbnb. I'm talking morning walks and short sleeves, coffee outside on a patio, squeezing in hikes through saguaro cacti, and alfresco dinners because the weather in Arizona wants you to live your life outside, rather than huddling next to the radiator as the sky outside is gray and lifeless. I book to stay through Airbnb and honestly, it's going to make the whole trip so much better. I'm going to have room to spread out, a real living room to hang in, and a table where I can actually sit down and eat instead of juggling a to-go container on a lumpy bed. I can shut the door when

I need to quiet, open things up when I want light, and enjoy actual privacy that feels like my own place. And if I'm traveling with my crew, we can actually all stay together to make the entire event smoother. And while I'm soaking up the sun in Phoenix, I'm already planning the next trip this summer to the Amalfi Coast. We're talking fresh seafood caught that morning, long days on the beach that melt into even longer nights and hopefully a fling with a dark-haired Adonis named Antonio. Trips just hit different when you book a home on Airbnb, and I already know I'll be booking my next day through Airbnb again and again and again. With Airbnb, every journey feels like it's being written just for you. My winter retreat to a secluded chalet in Quebec's

Charlevoix region was the perfect way to ring in the new year. The chalet had a beautiful deck opening to a view of the frosted evergreens as we grilled in the wintry air and hosted the arrival of 2026. There was even a hot tub outside underneath a canopy of trees where we'd relax for hours and talk about our goals and expectations for what lies ahead. The entire trip felt like wandering inside a snow globe and staying in this gorgeous home I booked on Airbnb was the pause that I didn't know I needed. We spent our days snowshoeing through birch forests and taking in the sights along the St. Lawrence River as the snow glowed beneath the afternoon sunshine. Somewhere in that hush, it struck me. My home is

sitting empty. Why not hosted on Airbnb while I'm away? Especially since my next spring adventure is a trip to Spain for two weeks, where I plan to buzz along volcanic cliffs in a tiny Renault, stopping for Papasaragudas, and fresh island seafood. Hosting is really about making small dreams at home possible, like finally updating my hardwood floors. A little extra income from hosting could help me get there. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca. Girl, I was watching Delta work and she was saying that she went to a drive-thru at Carl's Jr. That's another one I struggle with. Carl's Jr.

It's a mouthful. Carl's Jr. And she went through the drive-thru and she got a burger and a soda. And she got the, I guess, the large burger or something in a soda. And she said it was $18. And she said, no, thank you. And pulled out of the driveway and left. She said, I'm not paying $18 to eat my car.

And I was like, that is right. That's amazing. Well, I mean, I had the opposite experience every Tuesday, Taco Tuesday, across the street from the new studio. Ask me how much four tacos are. Ask me. Take a guess. Take a guess.

Well, what's the restaurant? It's just a restaurant. Okay. The restaurant on my house, they are $7 each. Baby, four for seven. Four tacos with seven fucking dollars. Oh, good deal. Were they a little?

They were dog tacos. Yeah. La Vaita Cantina, my favorite Mexican restaurant. They are there. I don't know if they're obsessed with me. They treat me nice. Yeah. They treat me nice. Yeah. So I go there about once a week and I get a tequila and I get tacos and I sit and I pivot my chair out to the celebrity science science celebrity Scientology Center. And I try to look in the windows and that's like my little meditation. That's great. That's my meditation. I love that. And I love that street by the tacos used to be four or five bucks and I would be like, God, they really could be charging more. Huh? And then they did up them to seven bucks. And now when I go there, I go. aren't you fucking highfalutin. Now you're all uppity. Well, they're giving you the celebrity charge. They downcharge me because they know I don't mean shit.

Listen, I think there's $6 or $7 now and it's 100% worth it. I love those tacos. I mean, I love these tacos too. And like I said before, you know how I make about 60% of the dollar that you do? I also get charged that on the meals that I do have out. So it all comes out in the wash.

What's happening? When you and I work together and we make dollar for dollar same amount? That's the best way you're wrong though. Why do you suddenly not make the same as me? So you're kind of like, You're getting tripped up on that terminology because you're saying it wrong. When we get a gig together, we do work together, but we get paid different amounts because I get paid about 60% of the dollar that you do. But you negotiate down.

No, no, no, no. I say, I'm a human being. I deserve the same amount. They say, well, miss, would you please shut up? Does it make you feel fish to make 70 cents on the dollar? Miss, will you please shut up? Because your opinion doesn't matter here. It's a man's world.

And I say, oh. Right. So it's mostly about sexism. for me. Are you going to buy any of Simpy Sweepie's lingerie? I bought it all. Right. I'm actually the top hat investor, the main investor. Is it called Surna or Sierna? Or Siren? Sern or Sirene? I wish it was Simpy Sleepy. Brawis by Simpy Sweepie. The stupid onion was like, they're going to have sizes from Awuga to Booyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy. So stupid. So stupid. I saw one that was like, Mitch McConnell.

Boy, yo, yo, yo, yo. Mitch McConnell is filibustering death. Filibustering. Because she's just bright purple. She needs to wrap it up. Tan Bonny's going to come get her. Can I tell you? And this sounds horrible.

What? I hope he dies? When I'm scrolling and I catch a video of Mitch McConnell falling. Oh, I love it. You start jacking it. Oh, my God. The penis comes out and it gets hard. And he falls like, I know this is a podcast.

He doesn't trip. No, he tumbles. He doesn't trip on stairs. No one pushes. The floor's not slippery. He's just standing. And then he goes like... He crumbles.

He crumbles. He just lays down. Well, you know, all these fucking Washington old... Baggets. Right. They have no muscle tone. They're literally like... I hate them so much.

They're like literally wasting the air that we breathe. You know what I love? Do you know Patagonia? No. This drag queen who she's dedicated her entire life. to like environmentalism and political discourse and she's iconic. She's raised a bunch of money.

But she loves, she has the perfect physique. She's obviously a super clean eater who like loves fitness. And she loves to rip into like the lack of like correct form. Oh sure. Of other people's of like Republican exercise.

Yeah, yeah. Like Marjorie Taylor Green. What's up with her? I don't know. I don't know. We don't know what's going on with there. But back to Mitch McConnell. Miss McConnell. What's going to happen in Nikki Minaj? I don't know.

I mean, you have to think about... She called John Lemon a cock sucker. I'm sorry, cock suckers up there with faggot. I think it's actually a little worse than faggot. Like, she's, I think she's, I mean, I know what she's doing. She's just trying to protect her pedophile husband. You know, it's tough.

Love Donald Lemon. Yeah, don't love Nikki Menard. Donald Lemon. Do we have any joy? Oh, let's talk about the tour. A tour. You and I are going on tour. I know. I'm only getting paid 60% of what you're making it. What if this was like a nightmare where I was like, here's your script.

We're going on another script to tour. I was like, ah. Oh, you think I'm going to wait years later and get you to memorize something now? Thank you. I've already known about it. Where are you? I already wrote it up here. Okay.

I want to say. Well, I'm sorry about you, but all. You know what's fine? You know what's sad? I'm complaining. I could afford a doctor. I could access care in America. So I don't want to complain.

I don't want to seem like... Well, I still think I reserved some right to complain about my butthole being cut open. Please don't tear me apart in the comments for seeking care. No, and if you do, I... Out of touch. Rich out of touch. I am pretty to consider the fact that perhaps James Vanderbeek's late wife and children are having to do it with GoFundMeet because he... Because his late wife, that's not how you say that.

Oh, how do you say it? She's not dead. His whole family? He's the late husband. What does that mean, actually? I will say, I wanted to mention it was in my notes. Since you and I filmed, James Vanderbyke has passed away. Yes, Catherine Herrera.

You guys, I'm not even like that. The only time I ever cried for a celebrity I didn't know was when Adam Schlesinger died, who was from Fountains of Wayne and wrote, like, so much of my favorite music, cried. The day Catherine died, I was scrolling through Instagram, and they shared a clip of her on Fitzcreek when she's marrying her son. She says something about life and like how and I just like immediately cried. That bitch tore.

That bitch tore in everything. The power of storytelling. We are lucky to have been alive. If you don't let me cut out this house and make it my home, I will go and take that I'll take it with me. Yeah. So good. It's hard.

Lydia Dietz. This episode is sponsored by Wayfair. The new year is here and let me be honest. The 2025 version of me was a tragic gargoyle living in an unfurnished hovel. A shell of a human eating dinner on a couch that sighed when I sat down and smelled of sadness. A distraught soul wrapped in a lame blanket that had been washed too many times and loved too little. My home reflected my inner state, cluttered, uninspired, and spiritually beige. But then came 2026, a rebirth, a reckoning.

A home decor glow up so powerful it required a maple charcutory board and new bronze napkin holders. Because this year, I decided my home would rise from the ashes of 2025 with me. and that transformation happened thanks to the magic of Wayfair. I wanted my home ready for the year ahead, softer bedding, towels that feel like an absorbent cloud, and a new couch that whispers, You're doing great as I sit down. Wayfair made it ridiculously easy.

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and honestly, they make me feel like I've already won the year. 2025 me would not recognize this house 26 me lives here now I am the captain now get organized refreshed and back on track this new year for way less head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com

Wayfair every style every home Today's episode of Baldwin the Beautiful is brought to you by Square Space I have to tell you I have a tendency to make people take their personal things they love to do and force them to turn it into a business. I'm not saying that's what you have to do. But let's say you love photography and you get a few friends to ask you to shoot their wedding

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The Serpents Tour. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With Nymphia wind and plastic. Okay. Okay. Please. Nimpie windy. Tell me a bit. Nippy, windy, and plastic.

Plastic. So I just want to say, they come out, they're telling these funny jokes. First, they had a poll dance are amazing. And they had a, you're going to love this, a VIP for basically only drag race queens. Wow. So you could go to the drag show and actually just watch the show. Fierce. And you got to just watch.

And everybody was there. Roger was there. Bianca was there. Manila was there. Kimberly Chi was there. Money was there. Everybody was there. Right.

So I go to a little bit of it. So I go to watch the show. Got a free ticket. Thank you to the girls. She gave me a free ticket. Plastique's husband texts me. I said, thank you. Yes, I will.

I've never seen Plastic or Nymphia alive. But I've met them both several times, and I love them both. They're so incredible. So I was excited because it was rare that two drag queens I formally like. Yeah. I'm excited to see. Yeah. They did eat.

They absolutely ate. The video content was great. What did they do? Nymphia was making some jokes. about like basically I forget what the joke was but it was like a joke about how she's like fat standing next to Plastique which is humorous because they're both 90 pounds yeah yeah yeah yeah but Plastic talked about how on tour she basically only eat salad and tofu because she's so death defyingly slim and basically naked up there oh okay um this seems like this disturbing you yeah no no no no no it's fine no it's not disturbing me I I'm just like, I'm, go ahead. But it was, it was humorous for Nymphia to be like, well, it's like, no, it's, you know what it reminds me of is like,

because I'm a little, I weigh a little more than you, then you're always calling me fat and hounding me about my weight. I think that's kind of what you're just like triggering. Well, I think, don't you think Violet and Gottme? Wait, did they do that to each other? No, but they're both so, like, death to finally trim. Well, Violet's huge. Right.

Right. So, so. So, so they're doing fat jokes back. and forth. Plastic, I just want to say like... She's horrible. Ugly. You and I should not get back and drag.

No, I know. I know. That's why I don't go to these shows because I don't want to see what's possible. Humaner went to the floor and she has mastered this thing that I... Ugh. Please don't do a side by side of me doing it with plastic.

We'll do it. We'll do it. She's mastered this thing, which is like, away from the audience, tossing the hair. And there's a moment where the hair isn't like a... It travels. There's a...

There's a... And it's real hair. I know. It's not bundles of plastic like me. Yeah. A velcroed loaf. Oh, my hair all backcombed when I tried, nothing moves. Or you just see exposed backcom.

It's a loaf. There's a swing in a, in a poetry to it. Their costumes were so cool. Yeah. They get to say, like, who's from Vietnam? Who's from Taiwan? The audience is all excited. It was a great show.

You loved it. It was fucking great. Now, I loved it. What about some of their costumes are so incredible? Oh, how was it? 45 minutes? I felt like an hour. I felt like you just ran,

which is all I want. I mean, you know, I don't think drag should last longer than 60 minutes, but that's my point of view. They just looked so good. Nymphia had this thing at the end where she's like,

almost like in a backpack, this giant, almost like gold coin medallion floating, like behind her. She's standing there and it's somehow attached to her kind of like Victoria's Secret wings and there's like a thing.

Yeah. They just, they looked great. The costumes were great. The lighting was great. The dancing. Fabulous. number of dancers. Hold on. This was just last night and I was drinking. So now it's like all coming

back to me. How many dancers? Plastic does. She did a bad romance number with what I was perceiving was probably 70 on stage dancers. What? No, it was probably like 25. Wait, what? 25. Where do you even get 25 people put them in the same room? She's lying. I'm not kidding. Because I asked, I said, do they too, I'm mad. What do they got? Kelly on crutches? Seriously. Kelly whinoed out on crutches. Damn. How many?

How many? How many? How many? How many for real, though? I'm not kidding. At least 20. I don't believe that. 20?

They told me that for the L.A. show in San Francisco show that maybe they had extra dancers. Okay. So I'm not saying the tour like that all the time. Got it. It was the best. Gaga number I've ever seen. Really? It was some of the best moment in drag.

Like a drag number. Lipsinking with a wig on with people that I'd ever seen. Damn. I. I tapped Alaska because all the drag queens are there and she leans back and I go When you watch Plastique do you think of me?

She's like, who are you? And she like kind of laugh but didn't say much And then I turned And I like that joke and I said You know, Money's husband's out of your shot I can run it again Matinee performance And I tap Money's husband

Hello When you watch Because nobody's talking I'm just trying to get Trying to have friends Yeah yeah yeah When you watch Plastique Does it make you think of me?

No louder. Actually, it's hard for me to watch her because she's there and you're here. How is that possible? How did they make that work? Thank you. That's funny. That's funny. Thank you.

Now, which, who would win in a cage fight? Plastic or, um, uh, Nymphia? Well, they, they fought. There's a lot of, the, the story was a little lost to me. I'm going to be honest. I didn't really know what was going on. If there was a story. Okay.

They talked about serpents being significant in a certain, like, myth that I, but I didn't, I didn't know that significance. They have, I don't want to give away their whole tour. They have a lot of video elements. These dancers, they have giant fans with fabric, swords. Actual? Well, fake swords. Okay. Sword fight acrobatics. Wow. People flipping through the air.

Like Shen Yun dance arts. Literally. Yeah. It was some of the best dancing for a drag show I've ever seen. So, like, they were great and the dancers. The dancers were eating. The men were, the men in the show were professional dancer supermodels. I don't know what to say.

Gorgeous, perfectly sculpted. What's the overhead on this fucking thing? They're making any money? I don't know, actually. I'm not their accountant. But I can tell you that it seemed to me that the focus was on making the show good. This show looked like it costs money. And so the audience benefits from that.

That's great. It was awesome. I wish I had gone. It was really worth it and not that big of a venue. I don't mean that in a shady way. You could really see them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like right there.

It was awesome. If you guys, I think they're touring a lot more still. Please in the world go see them. It was great. What's the tour called? It's called Serpents Tour. Starring Nymphia Wind from Rupal's Drag Race and Plastique from Rupal's Drag Race. I mean, I got, I, I just admire them from afar, especially Plastique.

And I'm like, they were also. funny on the microphones, great banter. They really seem like... It's so impressive. And they're kind of different personalities, but they are both... They were talking about on stage, like, at their core,

they're like, we're both freaks, freaks and dorks. And they really embrace that. So they're all gorgeous and hot and sexy, but they kind of are... Real dogs behind the scene. No, no. Yeah, I know what you mean.

That's... I took a video of a dress that I need you to say. And I know that this is a pod and I don't care. It's okay. Okay. It's okay. These people on the 405?

If you're on the 110, I'll describe what she's showing to me. I have this picture of you in drag too. I'm telling you. I wish I could get my eye makeup that good. Yeah. God. Okay, so this is plastic. Hold on.

What did it? Did I grow up? Me drunk trying to take videos. Oh, I'm sorry. Sword fighting. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Sword fighting acrobatics. Yeah.

Look at plastic's dress. This is, I'm not looking at her dress. I'm looking at her fucking skin and hair and, oh. Oh, my God. Look at this reveal. The thing reveals to the most stunning, new delusion, stone. And look at the fan. Her command of a fan should be studied.

Oh, I hate it. I love that. Can I tell you what would happen to me? Look it. Just standing. It's incredible. It's so porny. If I looked like her, I know.

I'd be doing me less. I think that's too much. Well, you probably would have been killed. No, I think they would wheel me out in a glass case like Snow White. And you would do a viewing, kind of like, pay a ticket. You want my eyes. You leave flowers. And I'm sleeping, but I look great.

Yeah. Every once in a while you open your eyes, just take out your tongue. It was just great. I love to go to a drag show. She, when she does, she does, she's the queen of, like, doing that thing and then the thing and then the, I'm just so pussy. And Nymphia, I mean, the fact that I think she still makes all her costumes. What? That's crazy.

Nymphia made all of her shit on drag race. God, damn. All of it. That is wild because I'm over there. I'm struggling with my little brother's sewing machine. That's crazy They're so talented I did

I got the same Honestly I feel like When they break You should just throw them away I know that's horrible Well this thing hasn't broken yet And it's really wild Because I got like a new one

I got a new brother for like 100 bucks Or even less Yeah they make like the $100 one hotel It's so easy All a bunch of stitches You could do straight zigzag Blah blah blah

It doesn't work quite as well as my oldie And I still love that bitch She's an old raggedy bitch She's like Mitch McConnell But she's still does a stitch and she's like and I can just run, I can run her. I think I'm running her into the ground but she's still

She's been making a lot of drag. Well, yeah. Because every time you show up to Netflix it's always off the rack. So what are you making? It's not even shady. No. What are these costumes you're secretly making? And you don't wear them. You just make them. Well, see, the thing is that they are secret costumes and I do wear them but I don't want anybody to know about him. I'm telling you. No, seriously.

You said I've been sewing for days and you show up in the Albanian Hitchie store outfit. Yeah, with the tag still on it. Yeah, yeah. Am I like right out of the right out of the box wig? Right. But I've been wearing my, I have my, I now I'm so excited to have a real honest to God, like fetish. And I think you can call it that.

Like, so you have a foot fetish for example. You have like a shoe fetish. You have a rubber fetish. You have like a whatever kind of fetish. So it's a sexual or in this case it's more of a sensual, but like a, um, let's call it a sexual, um, uh, that's Lisa Bannerpump with dogs.

I'm dead serious. I don't think it's sexual with Lisa and the dogs. It's not sexual. Okay. I'm saying she... It's a fixation. Feels every amount of that accept sex to the dogs. She's like...

She's like, look at my dog. Isn't he just the most sexy beast you've ever seen in your life? That's a little crazy. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, dogs are easy to love. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do, but so it's like, oh, it's like a sexual hobby.

It's a secret hobby. The secret sewing? No, no, no, no, no. It's like... So you, I feel like... I feel like you are very open-facing, very like, if I want to do this, I'm figure out how to make money doing it. I figure out how to like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to like make it into a business or like, you know what I mean? Share it somehow.

Like nothing, you know, this is the opposite of that. It's like how, it's like, oh, I love this. How do I conceal it? How do I keep it for me? How do I? And then. So where are the costumes? That's a great question.

I will never answer. No, they're in my house. They're my house. Will they get worn? Yes. But not in public. Making my costumes? And by the way, I know that you, so it's like, I know you won't even put on the body to, to do a fit check, you hog.

No, no, no, there's, it's, it's not female. Walk around your studio, barefoot with just a wig on, take a picture yourself on your phone. No, it's not a wig. It's not with the wig. It's like, so it's imagine, oh, you know what it is? It's imagine the secret uncle crossdresser. It's very like that. And it doesn't. A mat back. Say that. Say that. Say that. So it's like, imagine, um, I got a whole cabinet full of these little outfits that I like, I'll buy an Amazon or somewhere, and then I'll, alter them with my sewing machine. And then I'll, you know, wear them at home. I kind of miss sewing.

Do you think someday you would let me come over and just make something? Absolutely not. But, yeah, no, I invited you to the studio. At the studio. I invited you to the studio the other day and you said, I can't do it. I hate you. That's not true. You were in FaceTime and you were like, we're still setting up.

I know, no, no. But you'll love it. It's a great, um, I having in the studio is, oh, especially when I hate my home, it's such a great place to like, um. You still hate your home. I hate it with a fire, fiery, furious passion. And every day that I wake up...

I thought you, like, loved your bathroom. I love my bathroom. I hate my home. I hate it. And this is champagne problems again, because a lot of people don't have a home to hate. But I'm a person that needs privacy. Right.

The townhouse isn't private enough. Are you fucking kidding me? Did you just have apartments? I can basically, like, here... Just to live above the gay bar. You need privacy? But that was different, though, because they were... Make it make sense, bitch.

I need privacy, but men come. up here? That's different. I brought those men up on purpose. Also, there was, I lived alone. I don't like sharing walls with people. I don't like living in a, in a complex. I like, I wanted to, um, anyways, I'm getting us to work to work about it if I think about it. I hate it. Hating your home is like horrible. It's tough. And I do hate it. I have an opposite experience of it, which is, you love your house because it's beautiful. I love my house. Yeah. Well, sometimes to this day, I've lived there, what, two years since the Renault? I'll just be working on my computer. and I'll just go.

That's what... That's what I used... I just burposed. That's what I used to do when I would... My other... Pergola. Yeah, yeah.

I used to go up there, almost cry. Yeah. Every day at sunset. Sometimes I would rush home. Other times I'd peep my head out of my bedroom to look at my living room

and say, I'm so lucky. Because I looked at my the way that had my living room set up with the stupid lanterns and the lights and the couch that was real upholstered and I said,

I love this so much. And I was like feeling... So overcome with gratitude, like a real honest to goodness, sincere level of gratitude that I have not experience to date. Right.

Because I hate this fucking place that I'm at now. And to, I've already started to, like, make a checklist of the things that I would need to do in order to try and sell this home, this townhouse. And it's so daunting. And it's so exhaustive. And it's so expensive that I get completely flustered. I break down and I almost cry every time.

Why do you, can't you just paint it white, move out? That is easier said than done. because half of the place like are because I've already started to like redo so much of it half of it's not done half of it is ugly as fuck so it would just have you'd have to go which half is ugly the one you did or you didn't shut I'm not joking I can't tell what I didn't do oh okay like the bathrooms for example so it's a three-story townhouse I hate that I'd why I have that much space is beyond me but like I don't walk up the stairs all day no I love stairs if I could I live in a three-room townhouse but just stairs.

I love stairs. I love, love, love stairs. That's not a problem. But it's, so there's like a full bathroom, two full bathrooms in a powder room that need to be like ripped to shreds and redone. It's so expensive. I saw a really interesting TikTok talking about bathrooms. And they said the secret to making your bathroom look good is do not decorate it like a bathroom. Okay, to say more.

They said no shower curtains. I look like shower curtains. No bath mats. no like soap dish that matches a toothbrush holder like nothing bathroomy they said oriental rugs on the floor they said art on the walls plants fabric like okay so that's like my bathroom and I was like wow that's interesting that's cool yeah I like that now I'm interested in doing hmm like I want to do curtains like this in my upstairs bathroom drapes in the bathroom drapes against the wall so it's the bathtub with drapes drapes drapes on the wall plants a microwave

Because it's the only of my house that has no natural light. So I'm like, I might as well go cozy and make it feel kind of small in here. You know, I hate natural light. You do? Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't hate it. I don't hate it. Let me get that.

But I actually prefer artificial light because you can control it. I love the sun. You love sun. Love it. When you wake up, do you wake up with the sun? Like, does the sun come shining through your windows and enter your face? No, because everybody I've ever had a bed with wants them closed. Okay.

I have like a I hate I hate Getting paid more than me No What a pet my pet peeves is One of my pet peeves is People who have every door and window Closed during the day

Like dark inside You walk in it It's daylight outside You go to someone's home Darkness I'm like That makes me feel so claustrophobic Well that's funny you say that

Because yesterday was the first time probably in forever that I opened every single window in my in the house to get the air wasn't it was more about the the air did you fart no but it's like the how the air can get so stagnant and stale and they needed the cross breeze in every floor but I felt like I was living in armageddon because I could hear everything in the neighborhood it sounded like people were barbecuing in my bathroom oh yeah there's one food truck that used to come girl there's a food truck that used to come when I lived at my studio. Yeah.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And that same truck now comes to my new house because they're building across the street. And I think the truck goes to where maybe people are working outside. No, it's just following you. And I, the horn is off tune in a way where I went, you're joking. And it's all day? No, not all day. Okay.

But I was like, if I, I recognize that tune and the horn being a little off so fiercely. And if I walk out here and I see that truck painted the way in my mind is, painted, I know that I'm being followed. It's that truck. Fuck. Maybe I just got to buy a taco. Maybe it's the hard sell. And I famously love tacos.

Just walk outside and get the tongue, you fat bitch. I just should wait for it. Do you like ice cream trucks? I love them. It was like, it was like magical when we were in the little kids. We did not have that in the country, believe it or not. But we had, do you know about this? I think it's Swanson.

This ice cream truck that comes to your house like once or twice a year. That sounds like a pito. Order things like frozen meals, frozen dinners, ice cream. Like an adult Girl Scout. The guy would come. Am I crazy? Swanson would come to your house like once a year and you would order like all your frozen meats for the year, whatever.

Your frozen meats for the year? Because a lot of people in the country have those huge freezers because the grocery stores are so far away. Gotcha. So you freeze everything. Okay. And that was thrilling because, oh my God, the Swanson guy came. Here's all the fudgy wudgies or whatever you want. Wow.

It sounds like not fresh. It's frozen. Frozen. I guess frozen stuff doesn't go bad. Girl, a few blocks from here, I saw some Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a house. Back in my day, you had to order cookies. Yeah. So how are these little bitches getting cookies to sell in person?

Is that cheating? Do the parents buy those boxes? Wait, what are you talking about? They're not selling them? I thought you order Girl Scouts cookies in like eight weeks. later, your niece says here they are. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. But these bitches

Yeah. Had real cookies on a table in front of the house. Fierce. Did you buy them all? What's your favorite Girl Scout? Cookie? Yeah. Fuck. The tag alongs.

Tagalongs. Tagalongs. Tagalongs. Then mince are great. The older I get, shortbread. What are the ones with the caramel in them? Oh, baby. Samoas.

Samoans. Those are my favorite. I think in some markets, they're called triff, trifoils. Carmel delights. In some markets, they're caramelodololites. And some markets, and some markets, in some markets, there's Samoas. I have the Girl's Cookie app.

There's an app? Fuck yeah. Did the girl come when you? It's a Girl's Coke cookie finder. What about Boy Scout Cookies? I have little trackers on all these little girls. I just go to school or whatever and say like, hi, Betsy, you better get out here because I ate all those cookies. Did you have, I feel like it's like, it's almost like, not extortion, but like sending those girls out.

I just feel like there's something wrong with it. I feel like there's something wrong. That's what I mean. back in the day, you could probably walk your daughter door to door. I don't know if I would bring a child door to door now. No, we had to sell, at the Catholic school, we had to sell chocolate bars too to fundraise for the private school they went to. It's just like such a crock of shit. And I felt like it was such a pressure and it was so out of line.

Will you a Boy Scout? No. We'd be selling popcorn. That's crazy. The girls have cookies. Yeah. And I have a tin of seeds. Popcorn can't.

There's not even popped? No. So you're selling seeds. Seeds. No way. that's bullshit. Seeds with pictures of boys camping on it. Weird.

That's so weird. Weird. You know what I mean? A little weird. Weird. Little weird. We wanted this bag of seeds. Seeds. I hate it.

And then the girls have ready to be eaten gorgeous. Delicious. You can eat it right then. You can steal it from the girl. I eat it, not pair. And I think when I was in high school, the boxes were $2.50. They're probably more expensive now. But they used to be like...

1380. We're getting old. Down would it be like back in my day, girls cook cookies were $2.50 cents. I don't know about Dorda. door selling. I don't think that's a thing. Is it even safe to trick or treat? What? Do you know what the Christians do? What? Hallelujah Harvest.

Shut the fuck up. They have a parking lot at the church where people come dressed as biblical characters. No. That's almost as bad as having Halloween on another night. Which is what a lot of neighborhoods do. They say, well, it's on a Tuesday. So we're doing it on the Saturday before. I say that's cheating. We, my school used to always do it at three. My town always did like three, 30 to six. are right after school. So it's not dark. So you would, the school, your class would have like a Halloween party.

Do you guys have Halloween parties? Of course. You have a Halloween party and then you would leave and go, trick-or-trade same day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it wasn't dark, so you can get hit by cars and stuff. But it was cold, we wore winter coats. There you go. Dressed as Spider-Man in some shit with like a winter hat on.

Did the adults dress up as well, or is that corny? I think like a type of person would. Okay. Like your dad would be like, I'm dressed up as a Packer fan. Oh, okay, gotcha, gotcha. Okay, not that I have a dad, but. Yeah. I imagine.

Did you watch the Super Bowl? Of course. Bad Bunny. I mean, sex machine. I watched, bad baloney. I watched, I didn't watch a Super Bowl, but I subscribed to Peacock so I could watch the halftime show. $169.

This is how woke I am. $169. I'm so woke that I was like, okay, I got invited to a party to go watch the Super Bowl. Let's go. And it was like, a dozen gay people watching it. And I was like, wait, what? But we could have 12 TVs supporting Bad Bunny. And instead we're around one.

Thank you. Shouldn't we have all. left our televisions on. Shouldn't we have all paid $16999 to buy peacock? I showed up and I don't know what it is. I'm happy to be invited to a Super Bowl party. But I've gone to too many parties hosted by gay people in Los Angeles that there's no food. And I will freak out.

Okay, so that is so weird to be. I will freak out. It's not a party if there's no food. I got there. There was chips, dips, different guacamole. We brought a cheese board. What about the wings? What about the wings?

There was no wings. There's no wings. There's no burgers. Oh, there was burgers and hot dogs. But no food. Oh, no, I'm not saying they had no food there. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I understand. I'm saying I was happy to find out there was food because...

Usually that's not the case. Yeah. That's crazy. There were multiple people there that I think their weight was in the teens. Jesus. And so... What are they were doing? I just broke the ice and was like, well, I'm just going to get started on the food because I knew...

I know in any social scenario, like, does everyone eat before they go places or does no one want to eat other people's houses? Because I show up ready to fucking rub my ass all over the kitchen counter. If I'm going to any function, you know where I'm going to the snacks. I'm going to eat. And then if there's no snacks, I'm going back home. A hundred percent. Like, you know what I mean? Like people go to, people always just at our school, they always want to go to the gallery openings because there was wine. That's it. There was just wine, just wine. Maybe a little cheese. I need food. Yeah, fuck that. And I've been really into these little bags of chips.

What kind of chips are they? I'm going to tell you. There's three favorites that I like really fuck with. Okay. Sun Chip, harvest cheddar. Gross. Turt. Love it.

Put them on a sandwich even. Love it. Crunchy Cheetos. Crunchy Cheetos. Not puffed, that's sick. Oh, fried Cheetos? Yeah, the crunchy ones. Crunchy.

Cheetos. Love it. Tor. Okay. Doritos. Doritos. Doritos. the most important chip.

It's life-changing. I could eat a bag of it for dinner. What about Cool Ranch? Not cool. Okay. I love that you said that. I love that you said that. I feel so sick.

I feel so sick. Oh, I feel so sick. I hate it. I hate the bag. I hate the color. Oh, my God. I felt like I was the only person in the entire world who felt this way. I swear to God.

I swear to God. I would scream. I want to take my clothes off. Don't touch me. I can't stand it. Do you know how excited it? Do you want some Doritos? Yes, I do.

They're cool ranch. Instant disappointment. Yeah, I couldn't, I would rather eat any kind of shit. Your shit, her shit, animal shit, bird shit, than cool ranch Doritos. It tastes like used flas. It tastes like used floss. And they smell foul. Fowl.

Fowl. And yet, Doritos, on the other hand, are still a very strong. Very strong flavor. Not a subtle snack at all. No, the Doritos are serious. They're serious and you have to have a breath plan. You absolutely. There's no, like, it's like when you're, yes, when you're a smoker, you have to have a,

you have to have a post-cigarette. A propelactic. Yeah, you have to have a strategy because you can't just walk into a room with a fresh cigarette bread if you hadn't have a mint, a little piece of gum or something. You used to, you have to always think about that. Same thing with Doritos. But Cool Ranch Doritos are so disgusting to me and they always have been and I've always thought I was the only person on Earth who felt that way.

I can't stand ranch and juries. general. And cool ranch? I hate ranch as well. There's nothing cool about it. No, there's nothing cool. You ruin the Dorito. You ruin the Dorito. You ruin my night. You ruined my, and you did it at my birthday dinner. And you did have my birthday dinner. And you did have my birthday dinner. While I was, while you were eating Cool Ranch Doritos, I was in Brooklyn. I will say too, I like bad money, of course. Oh yeah. So sexy. I mean, the sexy. I He seems like, and I mean this lovingly, nice and dorky, which is hot. I know that man is lovely.

And I know, this is hyperbolic, I know, but I swear to God, he is, to me, he's like, I find him so attractive in every single way. Yeah. Like, and I just love, he's about joy and, oh, gorgeous. Love bad balmy. And I love that whole middle. But something about me, I'm so not used to football. I don't care.

I don't know who those teams were in a while. I don't care what happens. The Seahawks, the patch. I don't care what happens. Every time Bad Bunny turned around with the football, I thought he was holding a baby. Like my brain could not accept that it was a football. And I kept going, oh, a baby. Oh.

He's got a baby. Oh, it's not a baby. Bad baloney. He, well, then I watched a bunch of conservative pundits, like, wax, just get tall tied up about his performance. And one stupid bitch online was like, I guess, like, she doesn't really know how to interpret anything because. It was a Megan Kelly. It was, no, it was Laura Lumer.

Megan Kelly is, I, now I feel like she's, now she's just trolling for like, the lowest common denominator. The other day she said, you guys keep calling him a pedophile. These women were 15, 16, they're almost legal. Yeah. Laura Lumer was like, they're not nine years old. Yeah, idiotic and just rancid. Laura, this is the bitch Laura Lumer on Twitter was like,

how ironic that he like performs with these like electricity things when like Puerto Rico does having like electricity. I was like, do you maybe think that that was the point? You stupid fucking bitch. Is it like, does it have to hammer you in the head

any harder to realize that something could be like symbolic or represent? A, English is not this country's first fucking language. We don't have an official language. There's no official language in the United States of America. And B,

if you're going to pick an art form where you do not have to speak the language to get something from it, it's music. Music, ho. Like, hello. I did not understand one word.

No. And I loved it. And I think I got what I was supposed to get out of it. What do you think? You scroll through my playlist. You think there's one English language song on it? Yeah, it's great. Don't know what's about.

Don't need to know. I feel it. I feel it. I love Bad Bunny. And he's such a, it's such a like an easy dog whistle for people who are so ignorant and stupid and hateful and rotten.

It's weird. I saw somebody online say like, if it was singing opera and it was an Italian, you wouldn't care that it's not in English. No. Why don't you think about that? Also, the people who need their own half-hime show are the people who need their own

bubblers. Thank you. And also, he was in a lip-sync battle with himself. Do you know they had problems with the stream at the Turning Point USA? You don't. You don't say. They got the Netflix, Love is Blind live finale team on the job. By the way, that season has started and I'm also watching that.

She's locked and loaded. On 90-day fiancé, I know we got to go. On 90-day fiancé, there's a couple that's in a thruple with a girl. girl, a guy and a girl who's with a girl, and they, to get the K1 visa, they have children are getting a divorce so that one of them can apply for the K1 visa with their girlfriend. Fierce. You have children and you're getting a divorce for the girlfriend? I don't think it matters.

No, it doesn't matter anymore. It's a great season. It's really kicking off. A lot of children, a lot of people with children this year, which complicates everything. Complicates everything. Children are not a solution. They're a complication. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Oh, so, ding. Ding. Well, we're going to begin to wind down now. So, listeners, please unhook the clamps from your nipples. This was a long one today. Sorry, everybody. That's okay.

Yeah, sorry. Okay. This is from lifesaving and essential. From Garybusy.com. This is from mystery mock. Five stars. So skinny, I can barely hear it. Seriously, though, this is my antidepressant.

Who needs an SSRI when you get these legends? Skinny legends even. the most important podcast ever produced or that will be produced more important than insulin, more vital than oxygen. Thank you. And it's fun to read a review

that is not so like, it's just so crazy. Oh, I guarantee there's me ones that are just like, did you pray today? Yeah, this is great. And it's like,

it's not hyperbolic, which I appreciate. This is a lesbian's phone. It's safe. Can you guys tell that girl who laughs in the background is shut up? Is that a comment?

Yeah. Okay. This is long. What? Okay. And then we'll end with this. Comtown, C-U-M. but for the lesbians.

Not only do I look forward every week to these two gay boys in my ear, but the way the world is right now, I just need big laughs and they deliver. Thank you so much. Come town. Yeah. I don't know what to say.

Well, I think we know what to say. Goodbye. Thank you.