The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - TikTok Monkeys Saved My Life with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

The harvest moon shone bright in the Hollywood sky, illuminating the shattered dreams and stained casting couches below. I was back from tour and more tired than the plot of Morbius. As I settled in for a solitary evening of Netflicking and Green-Cheffing, I took a few too many puffs of the 'ol Green Unicorn Kush. As my mind raced and the synapses in my brain accelerated to the point of near-insanity, I retired to the safety of my bedroom, with only my iPhone in hand. As luck would have it, whilst researching monkey pox, my sausage fingers mistakenly typed in "Monkey Tok", whereby I was transported to a magical world of pet monkeys consuming grapes, bananas, and even watermelon. I was bathed in a level of cuteness that would make a teddy bear implode in a symphony of blood-soaked sweetness. 'Tis the world of Monkey TikTok, my friends, and it is a miracle salve for the many wounds that ail us. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. We're back on the pod. I gotta tell you you i'm gonna speak for you usa i'm gonna speak for you eden's here brandon's not here but i'm gonna speak for him touring is fun not touring is funner I got to tell you the other night, first night I get back from Australia. Right. And I'm like, oh, I've missed marijuana. Right. Yeah. Cause I, cause it's just fun to have a little weed and go to bed. Inedibles too.

You can't get them down there. Yeah. Can't get anything. And I don't like to break the law and I'm not trying to push it with the Australian government. Okay. So I get back here and I find a little joint over there on the table. And, you know, I buy or I get what Brandon calls the Becky Caron weed, which is low-dose white girl weed.

You get CBD and you trip balls. Girl, if I put Tiger Balm on, I go to Uranus. You start to see things. Yes. So I take the baby little – I love the – and by the way, this is unsponsored. Like Drew Martin or something like that, where they are called low dose. And because California is legal, it's basically says on the website, this is great if you've

never smoked weed or like, and I'm like, perfect. If you're a six year old girl. Because tragically, otherwise you're just in other states where it's not legal. Every time someone gives you weed, you might as well just take a pill from their medicine cabinet. You have no idea what's about to happen. So then, so then I find a little marijuana. You might as well just take a pill from their medicine cabinet. You have no idea what's about to happen. So then I find the marijuana and I don't think, oh, I think this is just like a Becky Karen thing that I normally do.

The Becky Karen. And so I smoke as much as I might normally smoke and I don't really ever smoke. It's more of an edible situation. Put on a film and I know the climax is going to hit. I want chapter 23 of Moulin Rouge to hit right when. Yes. Yeah. So I smoked a little bit and I'm like sitting out there and I'm like

sitting cross-legged on my little, my little terrace in Hollywood feeling like, I think I'm gonna like it here. I feel like a La La Land. I feel like Ryan Gosling in La La Land. And so then, Ooh, my heart's racing.

I'm used to the indica. This was a fierce and sickening, extremely strong sativa. Oh, no. And I was here like, ooh, oh, that is strong. Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. Ooh, ooh.

You're hanging from the ceiling and then i'm watching tv and my heart is racing and i'm like huh oh the tv is loud so then i'm turning down the tv and then it's silent and i'm watching the tv and i'm like it's still too much it's still too loud there's no sound and i'm like fuck i'm like i did what you what is fun about marijuana, which is once in a while you accidentally get too fierce, too fast, too furious. So then I put on music because I'm like, this is just too much. Too much music.

Any amount is too much. Any amount of TV is too much. The lights are on too much. And I just have to go in there. I go in bed. And I have to do this thing that I don't know if anybody else has done this, but when you have too much marijuana,

you tell yourself almost out loud, no one's ever died from marijuana. Yes, of course. Yeah, of course. Tomorrow you're going to laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It felt like four hours went by. It was 30 minutes, maybe felt like four hours. So then I'm in bed and I wasn't horrible. I wasn't going to call the police, but you know, but arrest me when you have the instinct to call 911. That's when I think it's bad. Right. That's too bad. It's bad. Oh my God. Yeah. I've never had that instinct. And even when I should have.

Yeah. You're calling, I'm saying, you got anything stronger? Get down here. You got one of those EpiPens, those adrenaline needles. I go in there and I decide to, I decide to research monkey pox. But luckily, luckily, my fat fingers typed it incorrectly. I ended up on monkey TikTok watching videos of people who have pet monkeys. It was the cure.

I came right down to where I was comfortable. I watched videos of people who, I mean, people have pet monkeys. Well, I think that's so crazy. Well, it was that, the face snatch. The face snatch. Those snatch your face clean off your head. The people, hey, my monkey's in the shower. The face snatch. The face snatch. They'll snatch your face, clean off your head. The people, hey, my monkey's in the shower. The monkey running circles.

Oh, yeah. I saw that one. Why is this desirable? Yeah. And also, the monkey wears a diaper. Yeah. You might as well have a child at this point. Yeah, yeah.

Just get a kid. Just get a kid. Less energetic. Just sleeps all day. And the only way to get videos of monkey TikTok is to feed them because there's only way they sit still. So it's just a lot of videos of like a little monkey eating strawberry. Like love monkeys eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But monkey ownership. I also think monkeys are, it feels unethical for them to be that smart and be owned as pets. Well, they're our cousins after all. Close cousins to some of us. Yeah, yeah. And some of them are bald too. Yeah. You know, a lot of those primate species are extremely violent.

Really? Yes. Yeah. A lot of primate species are. Yeah. But also they just like apes, some apes, some chimps in the wild are their aggression and violence, war essentially between groups of them because they're so social. War?

Yeah. Like they have tribes? Yeah. So they have like, so, you know, say like, I forget what they're called, but like a group of, you know, when you have like maybe 10. A clutch. Yeah, a clutch of apes.

A murder. Well, they'll try to gain, like a neighboring group will gain dominance by just beating the shit out of other ones. And also within the group to establish dominance. It's really, really violent. Is it a herd? No, it's not a herd.

You know what it is? It's a gaggle. It's a content house. It's a TikTok house. In Borneo. It's a TikTok house in the jungle of Borneo. In Gambia. Yeah.

Is that a real place? Gambia? I think so. Have you, well, you know, I don't like, I don't go for gorillas. Okay. But I love monkeys. Okay. Gorillas.

Well, monkeys, I think monkeys is an imprecise term. Like tiny little pet monkeys. Okay. Little, you know, monkey bone, the film monkey bone or Dunstan Chex. No, that's an orangutan. We're talking fun little monkeys on TikTok. Okay. Giant murderous gorillas.

Did you see Nope? Absolutely. Nope. How was it? It was fabulous. Was it really? David did not live. He did not live.

David didn't live. Okay. Well, I think it has one of the spoilers. One of the best opening scenes, probably, maybe one of my top five best opening scenes the theater was we got in there the theater was rowdy it was like it was chatty chatty that the film comes on

the first scene hush it was like is it better than Ghost Ship oh I just watched that and that was fierce I can't believe you haven't seen that I just watched that. And that was fierce. I can't believe you haven't seen that. No, I haven't seen it.

That was fierce. Those wires got those, they got them together. And all the people are frozen and a little girl's like, what's wrong? Cause I'm short. Yeah. Right. Right. Right.

And then everyone just boopity boppity. And then graphic video of like the girl in the dress crawling towards her own legs. Yes. First of all, that can never happen. That's not happening. That's never happening. Guess what? Your spinal cord is severed.

You ain't got no nerves. You know what I mean? Well, not in the bottom half. Well. Also, don't crawl. You're not living. Crawl to what? Crawl to what?

Crawl to what? I gotta get my legs. Does anybody have a pack of bandage? No. Does anybody have any gauze? Yeah. Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen.

So now I'm just, you know, cautionary tale. Cautionary tale. Just be careful. Yeah, sativa. It's a rile you up. It also made me think if you are someone who likes sativa, I'm worried about you. Well, that was me. This is not pleasant.

No, no, no, no. Come on. Listen, you have a very sensitive nervous system. See, this feeling you describe is something I've been chasing my whole life. I love the, I've phase, I would do it in the morning and then in the afternoon. Wake and bake? Yeah, but with a cigarette, you know, the breakfast. I'm not so sure about weed though. I think like.

Okay, this is the song that it felt like. Okay. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, that's wired. But I'm in this pink living room. Yeah.

Staring up into the space. It's spooky. That's too much. Like this. That's too much. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. It was really spooky. That's too much at night.

Nighttime when you're trying to relax. Yes. The day I get back. Yes. Yes. Yes. But you know what was nice? What?

I had Taco Bell when I got home. Okay. I didn't see any Taco Bells in Australia. Maybe they do have them. Oh. Oh. Maybe they do have them, but I didn't see them. There was one.

We saw it. We did pass by one at one point. But I'm not. It's a game of telephone with Mexican food. I know this is Mexican. I think we talked about this. Oh, we did. Okay. But I'm scared of, I'm scared of Australia's interpretation of Taco Bell.

Oh, I think, yeah. I would be, I would, I would be scared of, I'd be scared of anybody's interpretation of anything really, especially that far away. But you know, globalization. You don't go to America for authentic. What do you go to America for? To get fleeced? But like for authentic. What do you go to America for? Not fleeced, but like, what do you go to America for? Well, here's things that are authentically American.

Okay. Jazz, tap dancing, musical theater, rock and roll. Rock and roll. I don't know. There's, I would, I would probably say that pork chops, pork chops and applesauce. Well, have you noticed in other countries when there's an American place, it's always like a 50s Greece diner? Burger. Yeah.

Hamburger. That's American, right? Yeah, yeah. Do you think they have better burgers here? The Twist? Is that American? The Twist? Chubby Checker.

Chubby Checker. What's rock music, which is American, right? Yeah, Chubby Checker, The Twist. But what foods do you come to America for I think you come for burger and fries or pork chops and applesauce meatloaf these are American things

Chubby Checker is American American but when you go to other countries and there's an American restaurant it's like a 50s diner I don't know what that is because you got a hamburger and fries cheeseburger and fries pork chops and applesauce. And you got your meatloaf. Have you ever been to Mel's diner?

Yeah. I love the ice cream options. Oh, no, I haven't been. I went to Norm's diner. You like that? Oh, yeah. Got the bigger, better breakfast. Sat across from two gorgeous gay guys that I kept making goo-goo eyes at.

And even one time I forgot that I was like doing it and I went like Brandon does. And just as I started to do it, he saw me and I looked away in shame. I love that. I can't stop doing that now that Brandon does this. He goes like this. Oh, I know.

He does it to me. He'll do it to me after he says something that you're like, what did you just say? And he goes. It's a wink and a double kiss and a wink. Yeah. I love that so much. Yeah.

Well, he gets what he wants. He gets what he wants. When he likes somebody, it's not. Mary, he had me rolling. If someone enters the room,

he said, Brandon's not making. Brandon, you had, you were. Life is short. Yes. And Brandon's not here to let people be unsure if he's interested. No, no, no. He said, Brandon's not making, Brandon, you had, you were, life is short. Yeah. And Brandon's not here to let people be unsure if he's interested.

No, no, no. Brandon is, is, is, is, does not dabble in,

um, in, in wishy washy. Um, he's like, you, you know, you know,

and it's, yeah, it's so fabulous. Cause I really didn't get to spend any time with him other than the tour. You're not messing much. No. Oh my God.

But wait, wait. So I did a little thing. Oh, I bought a car. Oh, let's talk about the vehicle. Beep, beep. I cannot drive. I have not driven in a while, in a and um and it's not easy if you don't do it all the time no it's not did you forget i did and i um so i and i live in like my apartment

has this long narrow driveway that a gate opens and and you pull in and then my parking spot involves it's not like an easy and easy out situation I was like, I go in there and it's the car, because it's a new car and it goes, does that beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. She gets scared. Yes. And also I can't tell if like the, all the beep sounds, I'm assuming it goes from like, oh, be careful to watch out to danger to you're going to hit something or you've hit something. So the first beep doesn't mean it's over. No, it means like, watch out. Be careful.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Like it's that. Well, you know what that's probably nice for? When you are backing up and you don't know something's there. Yes, of course. But then you have the camera, which I'm not used to that either. You have to understand the last time I was driving regularly was in a car.

I don't even think it had power steering. So like it's, I was looking behind my shoulder when I was in reverse. Okay. I was cranking the wheel pressing heavy on the gas. It was like a 92 car. Are you Death of a Salesman? I'm Willie Lohman. Are you Flowers for Algernon? I'm Willie Lohman

driving a Dodge a 1963 Dodge Charger. Are you a street car named Desire? I'm Marlon Brando. I'm the local paper boy's dad. No, I get it. My last car was a 2008.

And we, what? I was at a meeting. Well, we have to go to a meeting. Well, it's time for a break anyway. And we're coming back and we're talking more about cars. Cars. It's car talk.

more about cars. It's Car Talk. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself?

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Welcome to the pro life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. You guys want to see my little prick? Anybody want to see my little prick? Girl, Varla. Oh my God, last night at dinner we came up with a great um sketch comedy idea for a sketch uh the haggler so it's it's a young woman who goes to an antique

um like a flea market and is trying to haggle on a um a price of an item because she's like the guy's like how much is that he's like it's 25 she's like how about you know he's like um he's like well how about 20 and? He's like, it's $25. She's like, how about, you know, he's like, um, he's like, well, how about 20? And then her second haggling point is she wheezes on them. She says, why don't you get some duct tape and tape down your tiny little prick? You fuckless. Oh, I guess you had to be there. I guess you had to be there.

I didn't want to be there. You had to be there. I think it was funny. We just had to pause the podcast to talk about Trixie and Katya live tour dates that were coming all over europe in the uk canada america how do you feel speak on it diva i'm girl i'm tired you know i was just

in canada this weekend though and i forgot that canada is it's beautiful and lovely yeah everywhere is lit everywhere is lovely canada is beautiful and lovely and i was just in the uk about four four hours ago so okay and to be honest maybe it's because of covid was just in the UK about four hours ago. Okay. And to be honest, maybe it's because of COVID. This time in the UK on tour, I was like, it is beautiful here. It is beautiful. Los Angeles, we like it because we're home. It's fucking horrible.

It's ugly as shit. It's a really ugly town. Look at my view of a liquor store. Like, what are we doing? LA is a really ugly town. It has no botanical gardens. Thank you. It has no botanical? LA is a really ugly town. It has no botanical gardens. Thank you. It has no botanical gardens. One thing I know about LA, it has no botanical gardens.

You're trying to do a garden tour of LA. Good fucking luck to you, you prickless fuck. Oh my God. I got to tell you about Canada. Okay. I was in Canada Friday. Oh my God. Wait, 12,000 people.

I flew in for the Just for Laughs Festival. Montreal. Which is always great. Yeah. people i flew in for the just for laughs festival montreal which is always great yeah last time i flew there i sat next to anthony anderson and anthony jeselnik oh wow so cool and this time i ran into jessica curson who i'm obsessed with the comic obsessed with her uh and i had to do my little set which was not so little it was a huge outdoor venue. 12,000 people came and I was just, uh, Jacob, the managers,

all the agent people are there and a confident, cool person would be like, this is going to be great. I was backstage. Absolutely shitting cinder blocks. Yeah. Terrified. Yeah.

It was one of those shows where I just wanted to turn and run. I was so scared. Oh my God. And then I just went out there and sometimes you just go out there and then it's totally different story. Yeah. You're nervous backstage and then suddenly gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. there and then it's a totally different story. Yeah. You're nervous backstage and then suddenly gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in the middle of Jesse, Jesse, people start waving their arms like this to the beat almost. And I go, oh, that's weird. Is this like a. It's like a hey, ho. No, my mind went straight to like, is this TikTok dancing? It was people like on beat doing this. And I'm singing and I'm watching them and I'm watching them and watching them. And then I hear them very through my ears through the everything i hear some the el medic

and i go oh shit somebody collapsed i like oh that's what's happening so then jeremy comes up to do his guitar solo during jesse jesse and there's this part where it's like a tacit where it's like now you see me now you don't it's like four counts of just claps and i was like okay the song is quiet right now. I can turn around and scream at the band, stop, because we need to stop. Because what if the paramedics, A, we need paramedics,

and what if they can't hear this person because we're playing? Right, right, right. So I stop everything in the middle with 12,000 people there. And I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And then I go, do you guys need help over there? Is everything okay?

And they're like, we need a medic. So then I yell for the paramedic. And they have to clear a path, and we have to stop the music stop the comedy and like and i'm trying to like are you narrating the situation well how are you keeping control of the crowd keep it light okay because i don't want to kill the vibe but you don't want to kill the person i'm like well i used to work in nightclubs you know i'm ready for anything i'm trying to like keep it light but i also don't want to be like, while someone's possibly like G-ing out, I'm like the difference between New York and LA, you know what I mean? It feels inappropriate. So then I go-

In LA we do a lot of G. We don't really lose control at the club, whatever. It's fine. You guys can handle it. So then I just, I'm like, what do you guys need? And they're go, somebody yells, we need the paramedic and we need a path. So then I go, you guys make a path, whatever. Oh my God. You're like, you're like, are you going to get the the medal of freedom you know what it was it was titanic women and children first you're literally you're you're out there doing your uh what is it um dr manhattan i was dr manhattan dr montreal in vietnam yes montreal is now a state yes so So then they make the path And then 30 seconds later

Somebody else yells Medic Somebody across the crowd Somebody else collapses So then you get out your defibrillator Your EpiPen, your Narcan You put on your vest and your stethoscope And you go into the crowd

I didn't have any of that What I did have was a Mia Pulp Fiction And it didn't have any of that. Healing people left and right. What I did have was a Mia Pulp Fiction. Mia Wallace. Adrenaline. And it didn't have anything in it. It was actually a ballpoint pen. But I had the energy.

You broke the rib cage. I crowd surfed to the person, stabbed him in the heart, and then, ooh, wrong person. Also, that wasn't a pen. It was a wooden stake. But luckily, it was a vampire. They burst into flames. No.

So then I guess somebody else collapsed same time. So my mind thinks if two people collapsed at the same time, they must've taken the same drug at the same time, known each other. Which 12,000 people, anything's possible, but they both collapsed at the same time. How do you know it was the same exact time?

I don't know. You don't know. But so the point is you're now a registered nurse. Well, that's the thing. I got a, in Canada, it know. But so the point is you're now a registered nurse. Well, that's the thing I got a, in, in Canada, it's not an, an L what is it?

LPN license, practitioner nurse, LPN nurse practitioner. Well, they gave me a VPN, express VPN, which is great because now I can watch porn in Libya and it's just great. Lydia and Libya. It's just great. Lydia and Libya.

Lydia's labia in Lydia. And it's two lessees named Lydia. And they're just going in. Mousetrap on the clit. They love it. They love it. They love it. That is wrong.

Your RN degree is being stripped from you for that. But it was so crazy. And I didn't know what to do because in nightclubs, when someone collapses or there's security, it usually happens without anyone finding out about it. Well, right. It's like in Killing Eve when she knifed someone in a German nightclub. I mean, of course, that's not real.

But you can imagine in a dark room. Dark room. Honey, nobody's checking for you in the dark room. In a dark room. In a dark room. The room's dark. The room checking for you in the dark room. In a dark room? In a dark room. The room's dark. The room's dark. It's totally dark.

You can't see nothing. So then we just, once I kind of figured out what was going on, I kept doing talking comedy because I thought if I keep playing, what if the person can't hear, what if the person needs to hear the person? So we stopped music for a second,

which everyone loved. Of course, yes. Love that. So I'm talking and then I started doing rich people because I was like oh this is kind of playing and singing anyway I just didn't know what to do with that many people there do you stop or do you keep going did you make those

kind of decisions with 12,000 people I would have crumbled first of all I wouldn't have been in front of 12,000 people ever but I think you would have been in the crowd collapsed I would have been on stage collapsed to get everybody's attention it would have been like Wendy Williams yeah well when she collapsed remember oh yeah when the performer went straight I mean that's that was a nightmare Yes, I would have been on stage collapsed to get everybody's attention. It would have been like Wendy Williams. Yeah. When she collapsed, remember?

Oh, yeah. When the performer went straight. I mean, that's a nightmare as a performer. In drag? No, no, no. You never know. That's not a nightmare. That's a dream come true. Collapsing in drag?

Saving Private Ryan. Saving Private Brian. I want to be that person. I would deliver me from this pressure you know I want to die on stage I know when you're on stage I want to die so it's kind of related in that way

when you're on stage performing I'm backstage going kill me that was the worst thing about being in Australia at least in America I could go take my I don't know no no driver's license, no ID, go down to Walmart and get 12 shotguns. Yeah, I know. You know how many shootings there were in America while we were in Australia?

It was like 80. There was a lot. Do you know how many were in Australia? Zero. Zero. And I wonder what's, it's because they have Komodo dragons and we don't. Well, I thought, well, maybe Australians aren't as like, they're maybe more likable. No one's trying to shoot each other.

No, they're just as rotten. They're just horrible. They're just as rotten. They're just as racist. Everyone's horrible everywhere. Yeah, it was great. The difference is you can't go get an AR-15 and under it. You know what?

I was talking to Andrew yesterday. It was like, we could go get AR-15s and shoot up an entire town before we get the monkeypox vaccine. That's tea. I know. I saw this TikTok from Heartthrob Rob. Do you follow him? Rob Anderson. It was like, this is what it's like to be interviewed to get the monkeypox vaccine. That's tea. I know. I saw this Tik TOK from heartthrob. Rob, do you follow him? Rob Anderson is like, this is what it's like to be interviewed, to get the

vaccine. The doctor's like, all right. Um, do you like to take heavy loads? And he's like, what? And then the questions on the questions on the questionnaire laid out and opened up. And also like, so you're telling me because I'm unfuckable that I can't get a vaccine. I know. How many, do you currently have five to eight loads in your ass right now? In the TikTok, he's like, do you have 12 loads in you right now? Yes. And how many of those loads have gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia? Well, at first I filled out the survey saying, and I answered, what am I?

I answered truthfully. And I said, I do not havefully and I said I do not have gonorrhea I do not have syphilis but I answered honestly and I wasn't whorish enough

I guess even though I was you know I looked I looked hot when I was taking it and I had the camera on and I figured at least the government

who's watching through my iPhone can relay the information I don't know it looks really fuckable so definitely a super spreader then i took it again a few days later thinking well now i'm gonna answer like the whore version this is the r-rated version i'm gonna make myself sound slutty yeah slutty and then they said there's no more available in your area and i answered like the pig answers it was, I'm sucking loads out of assholes. Yeah.

And they were like, we don't have any more. Sorry. Whatever. But it's, you know what? For some of us with our current facial situations, there's only one way. The only way is up. Maybe if my face gets covered in scabs, I might like unearth something gorgeous. You know what I mean?

Scars. Microplaning. Microplaning. Microplaning? Micropenis? Microneedling. Microneedling. Yes. I need microneedling to the bone. I need a new face. Get a chimpanzee. Snatch it off. Snatch it off and throw it on some birch bark and paint some maple syrup over it. Someone help me. it. Someone help me. Mama, look at me. I'm going really fast. I just got my license. Can I borrow the car please, Mom? Kids go from 0 to 18

in no time. You'll be relieved they have 24-7 roadside assistance with Intact Insurance. Mom, can we go to Nana's house tomorrow? I want to go to Jack's place today. I'll just take the car. Don't wait up, okay? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time, don't they? At Intact Insurance, we insure your car so you can enjoy the ride.

Visit intact.ca or talk to your broker. Conditions apply. Upper Canada College inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12 to find their passions and realize their potential. An IB World School, UCC offers a supportive environment, cutting-edge facilities, and a best-in-Canada financial assistance program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet. Learn more at our open house events on October 15th and 16th. Register now at causeandeffect.ucc.on.ca. After decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors, Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada

who could provide Andy with something special. Three neurosurgeons, two scientists, one movement disorders coordinator, 58 answered questions, two focused ultrasound procedures, one specially developed helmet, thousands of high-intensity focused ultrasound waves, zero incisions. And that very same day, two steady hands. From innovation to action, Sunnybrook is special. Learn more at sunnybrook.ca slash special. Wait, cars. Cars. Okay. So what car did you end up getting? I got a Range Rover.

Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. And this is the car that you end up getting? I got a Range Rover. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. This is the car that – remember when Erika Jayne said she has a Range Rover and everyone hugs her and cries? Because it's a poor car. It's not a Bentley. I thought you were going to say it's the car that Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody in. I don't know what vehicle that is. I don't know what vehicle that was either. That's like when Lisa drove herself to set and she couldn't find the keys to her Rolls Royce and she said she was slumming it and she was in the Range Rover.

Oh my God. The Range Rover, it drives the Queen of England, by the way. Oh, totally. Yeah. Solid gold. Yeah. But I'm getting used to it.

Like I said, the pedals are too sensitive. The steering is too easy. It's like, I got a camera. Oh, cause you're used to. I'm used to like covered wagons. Covered wagons. Or like on trail.

They gave you the car. It's like, why am I doing this? I keep like trying to whip the horses, but they're not there. You have diphtheria. You're like, where's the contaminated water? I have a scarlet fever child in the backseat, just like wasting away. Well, you didn't have scarlet fever child, but you had scarlet Johansson. She had a light fever.

So first thing you did is smash out the window of the car, the windshield and put two pygmy horses up there. Yeah, I spray painted the little screen that has all the stuff like when you're backing out. Who needs that?

Who needs that? And if you can't afford a Tesla, get a nice little iPad Air and mount it with some grip tape. My nephew made a lovely little painting on an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper. So I just taped that up on the thing. That's a good screen. It kind of looks like a GPS.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got an arrow, you know. How much was it? Can I ask? Yeah, it was like $45,000. I can't tell if that's a lot for a car or a little. I have no concept. It's not that much.

Okay. thousand dollars i can't tell if that's a lot for a car or a little i'd have no concept it's not that much okay well okay i'll just give you just give you um to give you an idea um rose rose royce is about 300 grand i think wow and about um uh a g wagon what is the g wagon g wagon is those boxy mercedes trucks you know if you saw them the the boxy trucks that look kind of like army trucks usually they're all in black. Okay. Mercedes. Those run you about. They start around 150 grand, I think. Oh, my God.

A BMW 5 Series is going to be about 70 grand. Like these are very expensive. Like luxury cars are very expensive. And that's where they start. Then you add on. And then you're adding on the like, you know, warranties and stuff like that. How much for like Lamborghini? I mean, anywhere from 200 to 500 to $600,000.

These are incredibly expensive cars. I know that I'm Laura Ingalls Wilder, Sarah Plain and Tall, Morgan Fairchild, but I didn't know cars could cost that much. Are you kidding me? I mean, Bentley's, some of them's a half a million dollars. Bugattis, like I didn't even know that was a car. Bukakis. Bukakis, Maseratis are at least a hundred grand million dollars. Bugattis. Like I didn't even know that was a car. Bukakis.

Bukakis. Maseratis are at least a hundred grand. A lot of these cars. I thought you just had to work, bitch. You want a Maserati? I thought it was just about work. Like you do a shift down at the in and out. But as soon as you drive them off the lot,

they depreciate in value. So like, do you know what I mean? They're depreciating assets. It's a lot like babies in that way. Yeah. As soon as you get them home from the hospital and they lose that band-aid smell. Just baby shit. Yeah.

It's crazy. But anyway, so driving in LA is really, really tough. Have you been driving around? A little bit. A little bit. So I drive into my very long and windy and stressful driveway. And I'm trying to back out. And thank God the building manager is right there because he has an old, he's got a beautiful old Range Rover. I think

it's like a 79 gorgeous Range Rover. It's like a really wonderful like NT car. It looks like. And he's like, he tells me how to do it because I don't know how to do it. He saw you driving. He said, get out of the car. No, he's like, he's like, I was like, Hey Elliot, I don't think I know how to do it. He saw you driving. He said, get out of the car. No, he's like, I was like, hey, Elliot, I don't think I know how to do this. And he's like, oh, yes, you got to do this, that, and that. And that never would occur to me. Driving is not second nature. It's just not a thing I'm used to doing.

Plus, backing out, I'm used to doing this. Looking behind me. Do you trust the camera? Is it hard to trust the camera? Yes, it is. Wait a minute. Do you have the rear view mirror that is not a mirror? It's a screen. No, no, no. It's because I think that is crazy too. That, that I don't, I like, I like a rear view mirror, but now people have screens. The rear view is a screen. That's weird. I don't know. I don't know. Give me a 92 Corsica. Yeah, seriously. An Acura Integra. I want a landline.

1989 Acura Integra. Did you ever have a family member that had a car phone? My fucking dad did. In his Saab. In his 95 Saab. Remember car phones? Yes. And that was like space.

He was a businessman. He was like a traveling salesman. So like he would have, he had a car phone. That was space. It was the Apollo 13. Yeah. My dad is an astronaut astronaut he has a car phone crazy

his job at the time was $80,000 a year that was a ton of money $80,000 in the 90s that is a lot of money in the 90s it was a lot of money in the 90s but anyways that was only a couple years but that was crazy

cars in the suburbs is a totally enjoyable experience or in the country big roads not a couple of years. And then, but that was, yeah, crazy. And I just, I don't, I never really, cars in the suburbs is totally enjoyable experience or in the country, big roads, not a lot of traffic, gorgeous vistas. And cruising. Yeah, cruising. Put on Captain and Tennille. Well, when you live in the, well, this is the thing too. When you live in the country

and you spend 30, 40 minutes driving every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no tea. It's a different situation when you live in let's say los angeles where there's no snow and you're never really driving anywhere more than a few miles yeah but if i lived in the country and i drove a lot i would just want something reliable and roomy yeah yeah yeah versus here get your little toy car and like right right but the when i call so i was at the dealership andhip and I had to go get insurance and I've never owned a car before.

I've never bought a car. And so I called the progressive insurance lady and she's this like old lady from like South Carolina or something. And she's like, okay, what's your birthday? What's the make of the car? It's like, what's your previous insurance policy? I was like, I've never had one. She's like, excuse me? I was like, I've never had car insurance.

She's like, what are you talking about? She's like, what's your birthday again wait wait is have you ever have you ever purchased a car before and i said no and she's like oh my god what she's like i can't she was utterly she couldn't believe that i was 40 years old and i've never owned a car before. She could not comprehend it. She was like, she thought I just said, it was basically like I said, I just dug up these three bodies from the local cemetery,

like tied them together, put wheels on them, and now that's my car. She's like, how did you do that? It's magic. She could not believe it. She's like, but how did you get around? How did you get around? Where are you living? What's going on? She couldn't understand it. And then she had further question. And then she said, wow, congratulations, honey. She was like, so she could, she's acting like you just got out of prison and you're getting back on the straight

and narrow. No, no. She said she acted like I got out of prison. I went back to school. I just got married. I had three gorgeous daughters and they all got into school. And now I just became the president of China. She was so proud of me. She was like, it was so crazy. But you know what? Sometimes it's a pickup you need. Now I'm going to call progressive when I'm sad. And I'm going to say that I was born in 1970 and I've never had insurance. It was crazy. But yeah. So now I'm driving and I don't like it. It's scary, but I listen to my tunes real loud. Do you?

See, that seems unsafe. No, only when I'm on a, if I know where I'm going, but I don't, I don't, I, I have, I fussed with the, with the, like, I tried to look up a song and almost hit a car. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't, I do not text to drive. You gotta do what I do when I'm running.

I go. I do not text and drive. I do what I do when I'm running. I go, do not text and drive. I do what I do when I'm running. I go, Hey, yeah. And I say, play this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't reach in your pocket. No. Eyes on the road. No. Eyes on the road.

Always. Always. When people text while driving. No. I always say, stop. Can I, can I text it for you?

Can I text it for you? And I'll type it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I have my own little flare. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck you, bitch. Don't try to kill me next time. I have my own little flare. One thing about me is. Ohlair. One thing about me is? Oh, no. One thing about me? Something you might not know about me.

If you're on Twitter. I'm the kind of person that is. Yeah, if you're on Twitter and you're saying one thing about me, it's never redeeming quality. Oh, I started listening to ASMR again. Can we talk about that? You like ASMR? I've experienced ASMR. I experienced that sensation, the the asmr

with that is the bodily sensation that is trying to achieve i experienced that way but way way way back before youtube i had no idea what it was i thought it was a freak who left like love to hear his math teacher drone onto him in a whisper about these problems and that was all that sensation give you a boner no it's it's not sexual, but it's so good. It rivals the feeling of sexual pleasure. It's such an intense stimulation of the nervous system and that it feels like it's right on par with sexual stimulation, I swear to God.

I mean, there's gotta be something to it or why would they be so popular? No, there is something to it. It's sensational. It's amazing. Sometimes they're so, the scenarios are so fleshed out though. Sometimes it's like POV, ASMR, your

boyfriend waking you up in the morning and he's also a vampire. And it's also Tuesday. It's Tuesday. He just got back from the UPS store to wake you up with all these packages. But it's great. But it just provides a framework to improvise in. And it's like and it grounds it in reality. Because if I stumbled upon, if I was on YouTube

and I said, it was a 55-year-old ugly math teacher is going to teach you more about the quadratic formula, you better believe my eyes and ears would be glued to that video. I think my version of that is TikTok makeup organization, where they put in like clear acrylic... Yeah. I'm sorry to everybody. Clear acrylic cases. And they have acrylic nails and they're taking compacts and it's like,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Love. Big crunch. I got to show you, can I show you something that I found on the internet? Yeah.

I think of you a lot on the internet. I think of you. Is it the chimpanzee ripping the face off that woman? No, no. There's a dad laughing at a cake and I need you to see it. Did you think I was going to say that? Did you think I was going to say that?

There's a dad laughing at a cake and I need you to see it. The people have a right to know. Yeah. I got to listen to this. There's a grandpa and he's touching a cake and he's going to find out it's fake. It's Starfall. I wonder if it's a joke. It is.

It's styrofoam. Can you believe that? From a styrofoam cake. That was the whole prank. He said, like, get him checked out. Yeah, check him out. Get your kids checked out. Check out that grandpa laugh.

I wrote down a couple of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Because we haven't talked to each other in a long time. No. I love it, by the way. Yeah, I know. I mean, I love being around you. I'm happy for you. I'm gonna let you finish.

I love not seeing you. And it's sickening. It's sickening. I'm jealous of all your friends when we're on tour who don't ever love not seeing you and it's sickening it's sickening I'm jealous of all your friends when we're on tour who don't ever have to see you it's sickening is that too much that's too much okay well I gotta say Jinx won Drag Race congratulations

congratulations and then somebody I didn't watch this season but I think somebody else won something too Roger won something Roger won Best in Show at the Westminster. Yeah, good for them. I think we should go. I think we're done. I think we're probably done too. Listen,

come see us in Australia. Oh my. The time traveler's wife right here. The time traveler's wife. I'm Dr. Manhattan. All time zones are happening at the same time. You're Dr. Mung-hattan. I'm Dr. Manhattan. All time zones are happening at the same time. You're Dr. Mung-hattan.

I need to see a doctor in Manhattan because I got to get an Adderall script and take it back to my Ivy League school and sell them for two bucks a pill.

Two dollars. Twenty dollars. I learned a lot about Adderall from a documentary called Take Your Pills. Take your pills, bitch. Take your fucking pills.

Brush your wig and take your pills, honey. We'll see you next time. Bye.