The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Timothée Chalamet: An Alien Who Lives Amongst Us? with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Have you ever stared up at the stars, considered the shocking vastness of space, and asked yourself, "Are we alone in the universe?" A recent analysis from the Bald Center for Ludicrosity Studies may have your answer. As the government releases more information about Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, or UAPs, there seems to be a growing consensus amongst podcast co-hosts that there is an earthly explanation for the UAP/UFO sightings. Dr. Kenneth Zomoldhikova, of the vaunted West Hollywood Institute, has put forward his cryptoterrestrial hypothesis for the UAPs, theorizing that the intelligent beings responsible for these aircraft may be concealed in stealth right here on Earth. That could mean they are walking amongst us and passing as Academy Award-nominated human actors with shockingly gorgeous cheek-bones who look like the product of human-on-pigeon inter-species relations. Need a website? Head to https://www.Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! As a special offer for our listeners, new customers GET 15% ALL Lume products with our exclusive code BALD - and if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their Starter Pack! Use code BALD for 15% off your first purchase at https://LumeDeodorant.com Take care of your leather handbags and products! Head to https://MyCuire.com to get your leather care kit today. The best way to make your handbag last forever! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Shop Etsy this holiday season! For original gifts that say “I get you”... Etsy has it! Head to: https://www.Etsy.com Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today! Make your fall finances a little greener by working towards your financial goals with Chime. Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been in a coma for the past 30 years, you might not know what a website is, or that we now eat entire salads from that green leafy thing that used to be a decoration on the Sizzler salad bar. First off, I'd like to welcome you to 2024, where everything is wonderful and the earth is fine. Second, I want to tell you that you need a website right now.

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or domain. This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain, written, directed and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions

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It already has. Experience the Cajun Ranch McCrispy today for a limited time only at Participating McDonald's in Canada. Hi. Hi. The Bald and the Beautiful Live is coming to several fabulous cities. Why don't you tell them what they are? Charlotte, St. Louis, Madison, Columbus, all fine cities with beautiful people. And we even added a Madison city because Wisconsin, I guess, I'm surprised. Not even! Yes, even. They're here for you.

That's true. I'm huge in Madison. You are. It's a college town. Those guys are horny. They're horny for this fucking old snatch. Bleh. I love that. So please come see us.

If we don't sell out, we'll be horribly embarrassed and we might wander into the forest and never come back. Please come, please come, please come. It's fun, it's fun. Bring kids, bring the wives and the mistresses. We'll have a great time. We go on stage, we sit down, and that's about it. Sometimes we cook a whole bunch of hot dogs

and we launch them in the crowd. Get your tickets at trickstayandcardiolive.com. Boom. ["Beyonce's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] We're gonna talk about it, girl. You got something to say? Well, I want to hear about it, girl. Guess who's jealous of Adele?

Oh, what? Beyoncé. Have you ever seen that clip? Is that Wendy Williams? Yes. It's so fucking fierce. I guess who's jealous of Adele? Guess who's jealous of Adele?

And then there's a pause, and she goes, Beyoncé, and the audience goes, oh! It's so crazy. I wish, I gotta tell you, by the way, Katya and I are a fluff piece. We're not here to talk, we're not Rachel Maddow. No, we are.

She's much more handsome than I am. Yeah, yes. And more knowledgeable. She knows facts and truth. We're little, we're neck pillows. Neck pillows. Scented neck pillows. This is what I can offer you.

This is what I can offer you. This is what I can offer you. Beyonce. No. Guess who's jealous of Adele? No. Beyonce. No.

Like, that whore is so fucking memeable. But you know what makes me feel grateful? Guess who's jealous of Adele? Adele. And she's also unwrapping a piece of candy so she's like, guess who's jealous of Adele? I like how she hoards her intel. Beyonce. She like hoards her intel like, you'll never get to believe this. She's so of Adele. I like how she hoards her intel. She like hoards her intel like,

you'll never get to believe this. She's so fucking freaky. We're not talking about politics, but I did think of that clip of Wendy Williams. She goes, is this a word? No, this is the worst thing. And her DJ goes, this is the worst thing. What was she talking about?

Who knows? Who knows? Well, Mary, I listened to the full radio show with Whitney Houston and Wendy Williams. Girl! It is like, if you ever need a little pep in your step. Yeah, because let me tell you, Wendy Houston, she has time.

She has time. And Wendy Williams also has time. So together they have a lot of time. And they're like, boop, boop. Think of it, think very much. I mean, Whitney is like, she is pouncing. Right. In every word, it's so cunty. Wendell and Mick Williams.

Wendell and Mick Williams. I know that I look- With Narina? Gay. Well, between the high heel shoes. It's a boot. Is this high heel? Listen, say that to Timothee Chalamet.

Mama, you got those at, you got them at Nine West. No, this is what old French men wear. Straight men. Oh yeah, they're very sick. They like the heat. The French people. Serge Gansbourg. Yeah. Serge Gansbourg. But you need to smoke a ciggy. I'm not gonna do that.

Um, did you see the Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest? I sure did. What do you think's going on there? I think they're just trying to look like him. What's great about that contest is... Men, women, children... Anybody. Anybody has the potential...

Ages 3 to 300. To look like that paragon of alienhood. I mean, he's not that alien. He's just like, he could be a girl on a playground. He could be a shoe polisher. A shoe polisher. A newsie. He could be the killer.

The killer. He could be anybody. He could be the killer. Do you think he's attractive? Not at all. Okay. No. But they have to think I'm gay because I'm very interested in men.

Okay. So he's not a man to you? Well, a very sort of soft, a softness. That way it's not like my thing. He's teeny boppy. But do I think he's gorgeous like the Mona Lisa? Of course. It's like, to me it's like, what's our friend?

Our friend, that blonde woman who is like a, she's like a model, she's in line, the witch in the wardrobe. Tilda Swinton. Yeah, I think if I'm like a Tilda Swinton. Otherworldly, photogenic. Absolutely. Not necessarily spank bank material. Right.

I don't think a lot of people are double stroking it to Tilda. Maybe they're, it's early for a break, but let's take a break. Right. I don't think a lot of people are double stroking it to Tilda. Maybe they're... It's early for a break, but let's take a break. It's early for a break because we can't follow up double stroking to Tilda. Wait, can I tell you, did I tell you about that? What happened? You didn't tell me nothing.

You don't call me no more. She's like, oh, just kidding. Just kidding. Fucking bitch. Guess who doesn't call who? You don't send me flowers. That's not true. You called me once in Australia, once when you got back.

Yes. But in between, mama, the killer, the terrifier, the curse, the grudge, Yeah. the long kiss goodnight, the mist, the reckoning, the evil dead. How do you think I feel? I went to Boston. Fucking Boston. But that's at least on this continent. Tea. Mama. T. T.

Did I tell you I have a friend visiting here in Los Angeles and this person is gay and... I think it's an act of violence to out people. And they're gay. Guess who's jealous of the gays. The straights. So we're walking through West Hollywood and it's the Rainbow Crosswalk. And I'm like,

look at us like gazed in the country, walking through West Hollywood and the Rainbow Crosswalk. Anything is possible. I think I'm gonna like it here. Isn't it crazy? I did like even and a car pulls up and I go, that's weird. Um, one hand is holding a phone while driving, the other hand's not on the wheel. Pants down, jerk in it. Momma, that's- Pulled over. Public, baiting, gooning, live stream, jerk in it. That's not idyllic, that's idicic? It's not idyllic.

It was like, Jerking off in the car? Is that a violation? Because with gay guys, it's not enough to make porn jerking off at home. You gotta be at Kmart. You gotta be at the DMV. You gotta be parked outside the Krumple Cookies.

You gotta be like getting stuff done. You gotta be- Multi-tasking. You gotta be fucking yourself at the Krumple Cookie. Mama, I don't get into that. Public? But you know what it is? When the level of horrorsim gets so high that two men- You gotta one up each other.

Laying with a man as you lay with a woman used to be, that used to be. Used to be. Used to be, and now it's like, well, if I don't hook both my nipples up to the car battery. In the Target. And my dad's not watching at the Target,

and I'm not live stream jerking off in front of people who have not consented to it. At a drive-in. Being projected at a drive-in. What about Peanut? Mama the squirrel, she got euthanized. What are you talking about? Listen to me when I tell you.

I went on the internet. I was so sick in Australia. I was so miserable. I went on the internet one time. And I learned about Peanut the squirrel. Seven years this guy had listened to me. Is this a famous... Is this like, Mudeng? Yes. Oh, but she's fiercer than Mudeng. This is the new day. This is the Squirrel. Seven years this guy had listened to me. Is this a famous animal? Is this like, Mudang?

Yes. Oh, but she's fiercer than Mudang. This is the new dang. This is the new dang. That new new dang. I got that new new dang. But it's also a sad dang because Peanut was... So this dude, hot, sexy guy with a big fat ass, okay?

Right. Gay. Had a squirrel as a pet. Also he owns like a animal sanctuary of some kind. I don't know. Sober people. No, he doesn't, but he's gay. And so he- Only a squirrel is either a crackhead thing to do

or a sober person thing to do. Fair, but he also had horses. And I think maybe like ferrets and like lobsters. I don't know, he had a whole bunch of know, he had a whole bunch of stuff going on. A neighbor calls DEC, Department of Environmental Cuckooness or something, whatever, they come inspect the home. They take this girl, they take this girl,

they euthanize her. Why? She was an internet celebrity. The woman claimed that he was exploiting Miss Peanut. Miss Peanut was a star. It was Miss Peanut was a star. Miss Peanut was a gorgeous star that would like hop on his big old butt. Can I say that I think that the squirrels living in Los Angeles outside have a worse

life. Absolutely. The Miss Peanut. Peanut was living large in Manhattan. Okay, Peanut took Manhattan. Well, that's actually very apropos to what occurred to me when I was in Boston. You euthanized some squirrels? So in Boston, you guys got this stuff.

I was over by Wang Theater. Yes. So just a couple blocks in there is Boston Common. Yes, so I went for my little morning walk. Did you go to the garden? It's right adjacent to it. The flowers. Things were growing, but I think it was just grass and trees. Okay. And then I went to an area that's all these old jagged, old cemetery,

thin, thin headstones, you know, from like the 1700s. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. The cemeteries over there are really crazy looking. And the squirrels there were not afraid of people. Came right up, Mateo's going like this. I go, he's going, you don't have any food? What are you gonna feed them? Your skin?

Your skin and bone? What did he do? Sniff the hand on the left. The squirrel was like, unless you got food, beat it. Rodents are not pressed when it comes to human affairs. No. The opossums and possums, I have no idea which is which. In my backyard, they will come up, they will like read me.

They'll just stare right at me. Like, nine o'clock, 10 o'clock at night. Stare at me. I'll like try to shush them away. They're like... I swear to God, like, it's cunty. Do you remember the owl in your backyard? Do I remember? owl in your backyard?

Do I remember? Yeah. Hoot. Clear T. I mean, it's literally like, hoot. Hoot. It's crazy. But these fuckers... Very boring. But these fuckers, they were fucking.

A couple of them, I think they're possums. I don't know. What is the difference between a possum? Well, you have a possum and then you have... Oh, possum. I think that's like the main... But I'm not a zoologist. Okay. They were fucking.

They were fucking right on the fence. And then they were looking at me. And I felt I was like intruding on their sexual... Like I was intruding on their personal life, even though it's on my property. They were the one jerking off in the car? NIMBY. Not in my backyard. I thought that was a new form of NB.

I really thought I was like, y'all are doing too much. Y'all are not- We've got public masturbation with girls and boys and a girl not in my backyard. No, but it is, it's happening. It's happening and there's nothing I can do about it because what the only option is is for me to physically throw them off the fence. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Let's talk about passion. Life is a vast empty shell without it. Some of us find passion in the bedroom with the hot barista named Cosmo from the coffee shop down the street, while others find passion in fridge-scaping, where one elevates the status of their weekly

grocery haul to museum-worthy levels by decorating the inside of their fridge with elements like flowers, antiques, pictures, and fairy lights. I myself have started a new website called www.KatyaHasEntirelyTooMuchFreeTime to the point of putting pictures of her great-grandmother next to her eggs in the fridge like an idiot.org. So I ask you this, dear listeners, what is your passion and don't you think that the entire world needs to learn about it from your very own website? Now is the time to sign up for an account at Squarespace. What is Squarespace, you may be asking yourself?

Well Squarespace is the industry-leading tool where you can use their fluid engine to easily make websites for pretty much anything, including how to properly drape fresh ivy and pink roses over your family-sized tub of hummus. And if you want to launch your website with an entire line of merch depicting your latest fridge-gaping project, where you decorated your friend's fridge, who's a massive Lord of the Rings fan like the Elven kingdom of Lothlorien? Boom, Squarespace has your back. Squarespace has a massive portfolio of product features for whatever website you're looking to launch. And after you've launched,

let's say you need help with marketing. Well, Squarespace has so many features to help drive sales and engage your audience with creative email campaigns that you'll be bringing your fridge-scaping ideas to the world in no time. And if you have some extra knowledge that you think you can turn into some extra cash,

say some detailed information about what color palette to use in the 1920s, Spanish colonial fridge, Squarespace can help you post online courses. That's right. Squarespace has all of the tools you need to create and sell your very own course and even set it up to be a one-time payment and or subscription. You can even make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. The site can accept credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay, and offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay. So go ahead and check out squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com

slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Today's episode of the bald and the beautiful is brought to you by our friends at better help. I would like to take a moment to say thank you to someone in my life. I'm going to say thank you to my mother for never ever, ever taking the opportunity to make me feel too good about myself and always keeping me humble.

It's a very grounding experience being your son slash daughter. And I know that you will continue to deliver on that front until the day you die. No, I'm just kidding. I'm a big fan of my mom. And as we've gotten older, we've gotten to be like, you know, when you get older, you start to become actual friends with your mom and she she and I, I think I consider her a close friend and I feel like so grateful for that type of friendship now. And it's great. Love you, Val. Love you, Val.

But I will, I will read you. So this month is all about gratitude. And along with the person I just shouted out, there's another person we don't think enough and it's ourselves. I mean, sometimes it's hard to remind ourselves we're trying to make the sense of everything in this crazy world that honestly only seems to get crazier. You know, it's ourselves. I mean, sometimes it's hard to remind ourselves, we're trying to make the sense of everything in this crazy world that honestly only seems to get crazier.

You know, it's not all easy. And it's just a reminder to send yourself some thanks in addition to other people in your life. But don't forget yourself. You know, I've benefited from talk therapy by being able to sometimes say it all out and put it all out there. And then when I see someone else's face

or someone else's reaction to something, I'm like, wow, this isn't as complicated as I thought or I'm not as much at fault as I thought or, you know, I have a tendency to feel very guilty and very like everything's my fault and, you know, other people's behavior isn't something I can really control. And so being able to talk about these things out loud has really helped me put up some boundaries of like, girl, go home, relax. It's not all your fault. of like, girl, go home, relax. It's not all your fault. You know, you can't control other people. Sometimes it just helps learn positive coping skills and set boundaries because it really empowers you to become the

best version of yourself. You know, it isn't just for those who experienced like major trauma or going through a hard time, whatever. I mean, it is helpful to have talked to her parapetering things like, you know, maybe sudden unemployment or losing a family member, whatever. But sometimes it's just great to fortify yourself and recognize your strengths and just become a lookout for your own like knee-jerk weaknesses. If you think it is starting therapy, give Better Help a Try.

It's online, it's convenient, flexible, suited to your own schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to be matched with a therapist of your choice, and you can change any therapist at any time for any reason. Maybe you just don't like their bangs, and then you're adding trauma, you know? Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash bald today and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bald. I had an experience, I went to Boston for Halloween. Did you love, it's the best place? It's the best time. It's Halloween. I always do Halloween in Boston at the Royal Theater. Some went to Boston for Halloween. Did you love? It's the best place? It's the best time. Halloween. I always do Halloween in Boston at the Royal Theater.

Some of you are probably there. Yeah. With the bouleys. And I always say doing Halloween with the Boulet brothers is like doing Christmas with Jesus, but they're real. Okay. Christmas with Santa Claus. No, no, no. Jesus. Let's not forget the reason for the season.

Guess who's jealous of Santa Claus? Jesus! Wait, wait, wait. I got a good one for you. Guess who's jealous of... Guess who's jealous of Peanut? Moo-dang! No, Peanut is so sad. Isn't that sad? It is actually really wrong. I watched the video when he was crying.

Absolutely. The hot man was crying with that big butt. My heart goes, we don't know your name, but my heart goes out to you. I think a squirrel would be a demanding pet, you know? Mama, she was just boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, doing her own thing. Right. Doing her own thing.

But they have instincts that aren't, let's say... Rodents have instincts that aren't necessarily privy to a clean home. Sure. And so owning was probably a lot of upkeep. But bunnies are worse. They chew through everything. Oh yeah. I mean, it's probably tough, you know. Is a bunny a rabbit? I mean, is a bunny a rodent?

Is bunny a rodent? No. Bunny, rabbit, not a bad drag name. Oh yeah. Bunny, rabbit. Wait, is it a rodent? Bunny rabbit, not a bad drag name. Oh yeah. Bunny rabbit. Wait, is it a rodent? What is it? Just a mammal?

That was so cunty. No. It's just a mammal. So Mary, I'm sorry, I'm still sick. I flew to Australia, sick as a dog. I canceled, I called out of the show. Perth. It was horrible.

I don't want to be like, oh, but it was horrible. Did you have to do the flight to Sydney and then the five hour to Perth? We landed in Perth, I slept all day. I literally got off the plane, slept all day, next day. What were the symptoms? It was like, flu-ish, so bad cold, like blowing the snot every 90 seconds. Oh wow. Like a big like, flu-ish, bad cold, like blowing the snot every 90 seconds.

Like a big, like... Nasty. Like sore throat, cough, whatever. Just like horrible. I start to do my makeup and then I start crying. I start crying, Mary. I was like, there's no crying in baseball. I know. I was like, Peter, I don't think I can do it. I was like, Peter, I don't think I can do it. I was like, I started to panic, because I was like so ill, and the show was like from six to 11, mama.

Well, can I say, I'm not gonna complain about our career at all, but when you're actually sick, not only do you feel awful, you feel so bad for canceling on people who probably bought tickets a year ago. I felt so bad. Yeah, it's horrible.

I was like, should I just kill myself? We are on the 25th floor. You know, I was like, so they let me like not do the show. But get this. Call time the next day after the show, 3.30 in the lobby, AM. Five hour flight to Sydney. No food, no entertainment. No food, no entertainment.

No screens, no snacks. No screens, no entertainment, no food, no entertainment, no screens, no snacks, no screens, no snacks. Sometimes in Australia you gotta make them get you Qatar, that first class Qatar airlines. Qatar? Q-A-T-A-R. Qatar! Oh, like the Emirates? I needed somebody, I needed like James Earl Jones to like swaddle me.

You needed a supportive referral. I needed a supportive transfer. Can I say I love, I love- It was horrible. I just want to say Trixie and Katya LLC, we know that it's a gift and a privilege to be able to be paid to travel the world, to connect with your fans across all different languages.

Australian. Absolutely, yes. What are they saying? We don't know. Well, Fina accurately described it as the UK with palm trees. You know how we feel about the UK. Because obviously everything in America is incredible. Incredible. Showstopping. Perfect.

Couldn't be improved. Nothing wrong. Nothing going on here that we don't like. Guess who's jealous of Australia? America! But wait, worse than calling out sick, worse than traveling sick. The killer. I...

Speaking of the killer, what's worse than the killer? In Australia, a margarita pizza. Baby. Mama. No, no, no. Sweetie. We can't talk about the food in Australia without alienating a lot of people. No, no, no.

It's just the pizza. It's not just the pizza. Well, but I only, I ordered a pizza in my very, I was so desperate. I was so haggard. I was so, I was fat, nasty, broke, career in shambles at my lowest. I came into that hotel room hungry as hell

and I ordered, this was a five-star hotel. I was like, surely the pizza's gonna be popping. It was um, Sydney. Okay. The fucking something, it was a very nice hotel. Right. Mama, when that pizza came up, I smelled it and I was like, that ain't pizza. I took a bite and I said, that's hell. That's the devil from hell come up in a pizza form. Have you had nachos there? I don't do cheese. Can I say, this is the thing. The further you get away from America,

the actual game of telephone of how to make that dish, it becomes a he said, she said of what pizza is. Three ingredients though. Oh, I know. Bread, sauce, cheese. You don't even like the cheese. The cheese mozzarella is the only kind of cheese I really fuck with. This ain't no mozzarella.

This is some dark-sided fucking... This is some nasty, devilish, demonic shit. The sauce was like out of a dented can of tomato sauce or tomato soup that was like frozen and then the bread was like bubble gum. It was fucking... It was so gross and horrible. They've never been to Rome. They've never been to Italy. But pizza, as we know it, like Americanized pizza, like that's what we know.

But we know Greek in New York, Greek and Italian. When I go to Australia, I just want to say I love everyone, but I will be eating at places like such as Subway. Yeah. Like McDonald's, like such as Subway. Yeah, like such as McDonald Like such as Starbucks You know try to find a star I just mean like the the local the greats chains the greats, you know what you're gonna get Yes, someday if I get married at the wedding, we will have Jimmy John's

Noodles and company Panera and Taco Bell and at midnight when we're all drunk, we're getting Sonic. Sonic. And we're getting Auntie Anne's pretzels. What about wet souls as a little bonus? Well, let me tell you. Wet soul, baby. Bagot, let me tell you something. I am wet for wet souls.

Wet in souls. Yeah. I was in DC for a wedding. I have so much to tell you. Where were you? You just flying out? I was in DC for a family wedding. have so much to tell you. Where were you? I was in DC for a family wedding. Last four days you were in six cities? Yes.

And I asked Brandon to book me the hotel. Brandon, are you in here? He'll never watch this. Okay. So because of working with you, I think Brandon thinks that I care for nice hotels. Which you should. No, baby, put me at the Super 8 and leave me alone. Okay?

Put me at the Best Western and pretend I'm dead. Airbnb, no key, don't matter. Don't matter. Don't matter. I'll climb in the back window. Fuck. Brandon puts me at the Ritz-Carlton at the Pentagon Mall, the fashion center. The Ritz-Carlton.

I go up there and I realize this isn't a work trip. I have to pay for the hotel. Oh, that's a different story, mama. That's a different story. That's me phoning a friend. Girl. For three nights? $2,300?

I believe it. I said, there's got to be more to this than free apples in the lobby. Oh, at the Ritz, baby. What I liked about it was it was connected to the Pentagon Fashion Center mall, which all weekend the people at the wedding were like, oh my god, why?

They were treating me like I was a refugee. I'm like, it's the Ritz Carlton. Wait, they said, oh my god, why? Why were you at the mall? They're like, you know, they have snatch and grabs there. I'm like, yeah, they do it every mall. You don't have poor people, they have just dirt on the ground.

Yes. I don't think rich people know about malls. Mama, no. At the Ritz, it's connected to everything. Not just the mall. It's Carlton. Heaven. Paradise.

Curves. Satisfaction. All I need is Auntie Anne's and Curves. Curves? Oh, for women? Yeah. is anti-ands and curves. Curves? Oh, for women? Yeah. Well, I used to go to Planet Fitness, but there wasn't enough spaces for women. For those roomy hips.

Ding dong. The pizza's here. What would you do? I think it's my Taco Bell. Shut the fuck up. Mama, I want to talk to you about this nasty food. I'm not done. I've got to finish my story.

So, I'm in Washington, D.C. The Auntie Anne's Pretzels has a new item that you've gotta know about. Is it sweet or savory? Savory. Oh, I don't know. Is it cheesy? You don't like the pretzel? Oh, you're not gonna like it.

I don't like to see that. Okay, you kids at home, it's a cup with a platter around the top of the cup of the pretzel nuggets with a dingle-dangle of the cheese sauce. So you hold the cup, and on the top of the cup, it's the straw poking through with pret dingle dangle of the cheese sauce. So you hold the cup and on the top of the cup, it's the straw poking through with pretzels all around it. We got ergonomic, helpful, useful, delicious, convenient.

Very gorgeous. I love. Mary, I had three Auntie Ann's in a row. Yeah. When I was in Chicago or, it was in a mall, it was in a fucking airport somewhere. I was like, oh, okay, I'll take 12,000 calories please. And every bite was delicious.

It was horny from start to finish, edging with pretzels. So I didn't know anybody, I'd never been a plus one to a wedding, and you have so much freedom. These people won't know me and they'll never see me again. Did you cut a rug on the dance floor? There was no dancing, it was like, at least there was no dancing, but I still walked in like... You're like, play...

What do you play at a wedding? I think the traditional songs are Missy Elliott, Loose Control. No dancing at a wedding? Well, it was a reception thing. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So it was really nice and lovely, but what occurred?

Super hungover. So then I go to the mall to get food. When you're hungover, your hotel being attached to a food... Is everything okay over there? The unwrapping of the food items? A Pepperidge Farms moment? Could you chew any louder, Barbara? So hungover that the wake up and you're attached to a food court? Oh, it's like an IV. IV drip right there.

I ordered a liquid IV and they said they couldn't get me a nurse. So I got the second best thing. Antien's. Guess who's jealous of liquid IV? Subway. Eat fresh. It was so helpful.

And I got the Antien's pretzel with the sweet, sweet, tangy lemonade with pretzel cheese nuggets. It brought me from the tomb to the hospital bed. To the... Because I had to go to another wedding function that night. So it was like, I had to put on a suit. I need pictures. Man's suit or woman's suit?

I don't believe in women in a suit. Not at all. Not at all. Who's jealous of women's suits? Guess who's jealous of women's suits? Guess who's jealous of women's suits? Dresses! I think we've unlocked a new thing. This episode is brought to you by your savior this holiday season, Etsy. Good morrow, bald and beautiful listeners. It is now November, and it is the perfect time to not only start,

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Terms and conditions apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for details. Margarita Pizza. Yeah. Jail, prison, death penalty, correctional facility, death row, no solitary confinement, shackles, punishment, torture. Because it's not the parallel parking of food.

It's this one item that is so egregiously miscast in the musical of food. Right. It's like, hello, Dolly, but it's hello, Boo Boo. It's like, no, it has to be Dolly. It can't be Boo Boo. It's not, you know what I mean? The T is...

Domino's sets a standard. It's low. That's low. Domino's is the bottom of the barrel. But that's what I mean. And it's still good. It's still low. Edible. So if you can't do at least what the girls at Domino are doing...

Do cupcakes. Why be... Do cupcakes. Do like, um... Do skinny girl classy cupcakes. Like garlic and chai, broccoli. Yeah. Or something.

Do all that. Anything. Do chili. A fucking salad. Do chili broccoli. Yeah. Or something. Do all that. Anything. Do chili. A fucking salad. Do chili. Or noodles. Or noodles. You're gonna have chili.

Do chili with noodles. I just feel... It just really betrayed me. I felt completely betrayed. I felt betrayed too because I've been really going off on rewards programs for food. What does that mean? Like if you go somewhere and they have a program where you scan my barcode and eventually I get a free sandwich, I'm both nuts up the pussy in.

I'm in. Does the sandwich taste better? It tastes better knowing that at some point I'm going to scan my barcode and they're going to go, your limousine's outside Mr. Firkas. The red carpet rolls out. Entirely. At your 10th sub, a ladder drops down and they helicopter out of here. Meanwhile, you fly one million motherfucking miles on Delta

and what do they give you? A sticker? No. A cupcake? No. Nothing. Pizza? No. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

They embarrass you on the flight before you deplane. The nerve of them to say, congratulations for being a million miler, and you go... Thank you. Or both hands. Because... A million. And they go, no. Oh, no, no, no.

We're not going to do anything or give you anything or you won't enjoy any perks at all for being so loyal. Mama. If that's what you get at Delta at Spirit for a Million Miles, they must just shoot you. I think they just like punch you real hard in the groin. Yeah, forced. It's a forced scenario.

They do. Keyword force. By the way, enjoy porn. Enjoy porn. What? Enjoy porn because that project 25 shit, they're trying to eliminate the access to pornography. You better enjoy porn. Mama. You can go back to jerking off to die hard. No baby. Because you know what's going to happen when I learn how to use my computer and wield its power? I will disseminate all the pornography that I have saved on my two terabyte hard drive computer. And just add it to me.

Honey, I got gay, straight, bi, Donna, Pat, Laura Shelley. I literally got every porno in the world. So if the porno thing goes bust, I got bringing up the rear. You know what, I'm gonna have to go grassroots with porn. Oh yes, oh yes. And you know what else I think is gonna happen? I think that drag is gonna be considered porn. Oh yes, oh yes. And you know what else I think is gonna happen? I think that drag is gonna be considered porn.

And I think state by state, you won't have access to like a YouTube video of us doing this. I think it'll be blocked for content. We'll have to go back to VHS. We're gonna have to, if we have to do a club where we send people beta tapes of this show, I will.

Oh, mama, mail order VHS? We'll go back to basics. And no, no, no, no, rewards program. After 12 beta tapes, we give you a beta tape VCR so you can watch them. This is gonna be huge. Platinum members get a DVD and a DVD player. Yep.

Super Delta million miles get a Blu-ray. Yes. And then- A papyrus. A papyrus. Scrolls. Scrolls. Scrolls.

Oh my God. Mary. I think with porn, what I'm gonna do is is I'm going to have to go very grassroots with it. I'm going to have to do grassroots with porn. Follow me. So it's going to be, you know, I'm going to be outside sort of a Sendix grocery store with a clipboard. We're like, do you have a second for the environment? And they're going to go, yeah, what's up?

And I go, I'm just kidding. I don't need porn. Can you just go jerk off over there so I can just view that? And then and then the charity is called I need a nut real quick. So can you help me with that? Yes, you know, we're all gonna have to go back to fucking ugly people when I like Good news for me in there. Yeah And I think also what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get sort of a scraggly kind of like a perm wig and I'm gonna Get like a little mustache and glasses and I'm gonna start doing porn of myself.

And then later when I'm not in that outfit, I'm gonna watch, I'm gonna turn on the video and I'm gonna say, who's that guy? Who's that high porno? Who's that erotic man? Doing that stuff with their body? You know, that's exactly what I say when I watch porn. Ooh.

Sometimes I forget to jerk off. I'm like, ooh, who are those sexy bodies doing that sexual sex with each other? We have a friend named Matthew. We'll call him Matthew. Yeah. Do you know about the porn you watch? No. I mean, I'm sure I watch it because I watch everything, every single porn.

Is it jerk off instruction? I wish. Oh, God. It's like a medical exam where no boners happen. And they're just like, and how's your diet? Are you sleeping? And after 45 minutes, he's like, all right, stop by the desk to pay your bill and leave.

Nothing happens. Or it's a massage where nothing sex happens. The cum shot is the insurance fill out form. Yes. Rescheduling to the other point. Blue Cross, Blue Shield. And then, or it's a guy naked hiking. No sex, no boners.

At least the nudity is something. But it's not even like the focus. You maybe see the dick once and it doesn't get hard. He needs to really live a little. And you think drag is porn? To me that's not porn. I've got some large files that he might be interested in perusing. But you should censor it for him because apparently he doesn't want to see everything.

Well he's in for a treat because he's going to see a fucking pussy the size of the Empire State Building squirting like a fucking Grand Canyon. But for him, when porn gets banned, he's going to be like, I've been training for this my whole life. He opens the newspaper to the comic section and starts jerking off. Yeah, but I think that when he probably actually has sex, because the porn he watches, he gets naked and he's like Azalea Banks. He goes like, so what now?

Like what more is there other than dungarees, dungarees and headbands? Medical questionnaires. Medical questionnaires. History, family history. No kidding. I'm going to get my anal pap smear on video and then jerk off to it later. I'm thinking about changing PCPs. Do you have a PCP currently? I gave up PCP because I left that gang.

I know, stop. I don't have one and I don't want to get one. You think you don't like one medical? I know, I have like, I have two therapists and a psychiatrist so I feel like I'm doctored up. But they don't do anything about the physical health. I... Do you know what they mean?

I am on leave from therapy. You're on leave? I was dismissed. I'm cured. Everything's fine. Wait, they fired you? No, I was feeling really good and happy, and then I got busy when I started working again. And then I was like, I think I'm just going to like... Enjoy your life?

Yeah. Is that okay to just, you know... Do you feel, you know, sometimes people feel like, because I'm watching this amazing show about therapy called Shrinking, they feel like when they're, you know, they have nothing more to talk about, they become friends with their therapist and it has to transition into like a, you know, sex. Like, you like you realize that, oh, I don't have any problems. I just love talking to my therapist. Why am I paying that person?

I know. And I like talking about myself too much. So really? Obviously. What are we doing? I was kidding. Oh, I gotta tell you, this is fucking crazy that happened. Okay, tell me.

You're not gonna believe this. I almost told you on the phone, I was on this plane, and I was in seat 1A, right? Which is like one of the worst seats, the bulkhead. I hate it. Hate the bulkhead. You gotta put your shit up top. You gotta put your shit up top. Ugh. Can't watch your porn.

Can't watch your porn. You know, you gotta take off your devil ears, whatever. Oh, by the way, for Halloween, Mateo was flying with a scream mask and they made him take it out of his carry-on and throw it away. You can't bring a mask on a plane. Isn't that wild? Mama.

And Derek Barry, her Brittany knives got taken away. Well, that makes sense. Knives are weapons that you could kill somebody with. A mask is a piece of fabric from a movie. But if Derek Barry wanted to kill someone, she has two boyfriends. I know. She got options, she got a backup.

You know what I mean? She has two boyfriends. She has someone to kill at home. Right? She does her killing at home. Right, she could do her killing at home. I'll do my killing at home things. Yes.

So I get on this plane, it's like 1B or whatever, and you know, when you get on a plane, there's the boarding door that you get on. There's a door to the cockpit. There's a bathroom. And often there's a curtain or a galley way with another door. For the glory hole. No.

Oh yeah, for the cooking. Behind the flight attendants do their cooking. Love that you call it that. Cooking? The cuisiniere. The Anthony Bourdain Airlines. Over on Spirit, they got. The Flambe, the walk. The open flim grill. The Anthony Bourdain airlines. Over on Spirit they got. The Flambe, the what?

The open flame grill. The hibachi. The hibachi. Throwing the egg in the air. The one two fountain. Okay go ahead. Love that you said cooking. I mean they do.

It smells. If I smell food it's cooking. That's how I see it. It's like somebody's cooking. Anyways, go I see it. It's like, somebody's cooking. Anyways, go ahead. Shut the fuck up. Somebody's cooking. Yeah.

Did you fart? Someone's cooking. No. So, you know, when you get on the plane, there's the door you came out on, the cockpit, the bathroom door, and beyond the galley of the dolls. No, beyond the galley for the flight attendants. Yes. There's that other door that they use

to bring the food on. Yes, yes, yes. So there's two doors. I know exactly what you're talking about. So this woman walks up to the front of the plane, and she's like a Gwyneth Paltrow type, like long hair, kind of like, organet. Okay. Very organet. Brushed linens.

Brushed linens, yeah. A cable-knit sweater, you know, men's glasses. Jade egg up at the pussy. Jade egg up the pussy and the back, right? I'll do you one better. Jade pussy with just a normal egg up there. Jade pussy with a candle up the ass. T.

Oh. It's a great drag name. Jade Egg Up the Pussy. I want to become the goop for- It's Jade Egg and then she got married to Robert Up the Pussy. She wanted to keep her maiden name. When I become like an on-air terrorist,

what I'm gonna do is remember that guy who said fuck her? An on-air terrorist? Like you run on camera and like disrupt a news stream. Just say, uh, Disturber. Well, they used to say, they used to say, you know, fuck her and the pussy. I'm gonna run in, dress as Gretta Paltrow, I'm gonna go, J-Dag ran up the pussy and then run away.

Would that be cuntie? Yes, literally it would be. Cuntie cuntie. So this woman, she walks up to the front, and I'm in 1B, you know, and there's no film to watch when you're in 1B because it's just the wall. You're in a wall? You could put your foot on the wall.

That's about as exciting as it gets. Yeah, it's about it. You used to be able to do this thing on planes where you'd be, we'd be in a, you know, on the plane. Legs overhead. First class. Like a pretzel.

And she would take both legs and hug them to the chest while flying with the feet straight up in the air. It feels so good. It's a must. It's a must. Yeah. Quick sidebar.

Two instances of barefoot on the plane. Okay. Mama, what's going on there? What's the, what's the neurosis? What's the psychology? It's the barefoot Contessa. It was also, they're not shy about it. You know what I mean? They're not hiding their, their little tutsis. No, they're not shy about it. You know what I mean?

They're not hiding their little tutsis. No, they're spreading the toes. They're doing foot modeling. They're taking the condiments from the meal, painting the walls like a cave person. They have scrub sandals. With a toe mood ring. A toe mood ring. They're painting the nails.

They have rings on each toe. On each toe. Yes, and they say Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, you know. In a chain to an anklet. An anklet. No, it's disgusting. Put your fucking socks on. Put your shoes on. You know what I do?

Because I hate the feeling of shoes on the plane. I wear a sock with a cock. And a slide. Or a slide. Yeah, yeah. Heavy sockers. Yeah, absolutely. So you feel barefoot, but you don't have to expose everyone to your...

Disgusting, horrible, ugly fucking feet. That wouldn't happen to me anyway, because my feet are pretty gorgeous. Mine, Hobbit. It's giving Hobbit, it's giving horror. So what did Gwyneth Paltrow do? So imagine I'm in 1B, and I'm just observing. There's no flight attendant, there's no babysitter, right? The flight attendants are in the back playing Nintendo Switch, I don't know what they're doing.

This woman walks up and she looks at all the doors. She's obviously going to the bathroom and she goes, where do I go? And she grabs the door. That's the one to the plane while we're in the air. She grabs the handle to the door and tries to open it. She could almost touches it. And I go, don't do that. Gwyneth, what brand of person are you that you walk up to the front and there's the door you came

into the plane on while we're in the sky. It's all the minerals going up through the pussy in the brain. The Jade. The Jade. Then there's the bathroom, the cockpit. You could have accidentally grabbed the cockpit door. You could have accidentally, but clearly it's the bathroom. It's like, which one you want to fuck.

You got hot man, hot woman, a tumbleweed. Right. She goes straight for the tumbleweed. And I'm in 1A, and this is a Boeing. So you know... Are you in 1A or 1B? 1B, 1B. Sorry. No, I'm 1A. I'm 1A.

You're right. You're right. This is a Boeing. So if that door opens up, you know, me and the rest of the kids, the shirts are coming right off. Child pornography. Immediately. Me and everyone at the age of 18 is completely nude.

Everybody's incriminated. Everybody. Straight to jail. Straight to jail. And the fact that she goes, where do I go? The pedo plane. The pedo plane. The pedo Boeing.

The pedo Boeing. No porn? Well, Boeing is snatching the clothes off children. So she brushes her hair behind her, she goes, where do I go? And she goes to reach, and I watch her hand, I'm not kidding, four inches from the door handle to open. Like she was about to grab the handle to the goddamn plane.

She's gonna piss out in 30,000 feet in the clouds. She thought it was the bathroom, I guess. She's never been on a plane or near one? I think she has a condo in like Soho that she doesn't leave often. Don't those people, if you said it was like some woman who just crawled out of the mud with no shoes. She was in first class.

Right, like has she never been on a flight before? Maybe she's on, she's drinking high balls with goofballs and you know the. I mean I think I saved all of our lives, cause I said, nope, don't do that. Well you certainly saved the children's lives and their dignity. And then she finally went in the bathroom

and I was like, I hope it was. How did she open it? Would she like, oh, like what was the the bathroom, and I was like, I hope it was... How did she open it? Would she be like, oh! Like, what was the... She laughed, she was like, oh! And I was like, no. No. I almost killed us.

No. That's so fucking weird. It was so crazy. I've never seen it happen in my life. I understand, like, not... I've like, gone into, almost gone into the cockpit, or almost gone into a closet. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, sometimes the bathroom is tiny. More food? No, sometimes the bathroom is like literally so narrow. It's the same width as the closet. We hang up the coats. So like, but I've never thought like, oh, open up the window and just jump through it to go to the bathroom.

How bad do you have to pee that you're gonna? Mama, when I go up in that airplane, all the pee just becomes dry in my body. Well, she had like a chunky sweater on. Maybe she thought she could catch a tailwind and like glide to the earth. Well, white women notoriously think they can do anything. It's that Gwyneth kind of attitude.

That goop can do spirit. We were almost all goop. Yeah. Which I thought about going down, because I would watch a lot of plane crash videos. Anything I can find. Anything I can find, I gobble it up. And when they hit the water, they explode.

Often. That's cunty. You know what happened? Earth, wind, and fire. My algorithm has recently taken a dark turn where it thinks I want to see things like firework accidents. Oh, love it.

No, no, no. The other day I watched a guy in Brooklyn. My heart goes out to him. He's a real person. I saw the video. He died. Was lighting a firework, blew the fingers off. And the craziest part of the video was

he's standing there with, I would say 35% of his fingers left, right? The palms are pretty intact, but the fingertips are gone. Okay. White shirt blood, right? And the guy filming goes, are you good bro? Are you good bro? It's like, it's like, are you good bro? Like sometimes I know that we're like, sometimes I know that we're all like cool straight bros, but sometimes you need to like, don't do that. And just call 911 right away. Your Riz has gone down 75%. What does that mean? Riz is a way to say like, Riz.

And the level, it just means how much. I think it's charisma. Oh. I think it's charisma. It's like, oh, I don't know how to use it. Somebody made this shirt for me, so I'm wearing it. Wow. Are you gonna see Wicked? Nope. But I will cheer people on, such as Bo and Yang.

Gay Asian talent. The girls, yes, the girls. It looks wonderful. I hate the singing. Right. It looks so gorgeous. It looks so beautiful. But I will just... I'd rather put would rather put knitting needles into my ears. Defying gravity! Popular!

I saw it on Broadway a couple months ago, and it reminded me that the message of this program is so great and wonderful. What is the message? We really need it right now. Well, it's about somebody kind of being like... Different. They're different. And they're afraid of coming to their power and like believing themselves and all

that. And then they're kind of being gaslit by everyone and they have a moral compass and they're like, no bitch, I know what's right. Yeah, I may be green, but if it ain't green, I'm not interested. Yeah. And also one of the things they talk about in the play is like, you know, how to influence people like one of the Glinda obviously is like the the kiss kiss wave wave, everyone loves her, but you know. She got green, ugly skin.

That's not her. Oh, wait. Glinda's the good- Oh Glinda, Glinda's the good. Glinda is Ariana? Yes. And then- It's a fabulous messaging,

fabulous themes explored, beautiful music. Beautiful visuals. I won't be going to the movie theater to see it, because as you know, I just hate going to movies now. You are so cinema-averse. You need to get back into the magic. But you know how they say, like, we have movies at home? We do have movies.

Like, no, we have food at home. We have movies at home. But what you don't have at home is a whole bunch of strangers ready to have an experience with you. I don't like that. Because in horror movies, they laugh when scary things happen. I hate that. Well, you really missed out on the terrifying.

Because not only did they not laugh, they gasped and then they cheered and then they clapped. Every time there was a big kill piece, chainsaw up the ass, dick and balls sawed off, titties gone, head off. And then everybody like... There was almost a standing ovation. Wow. Chainsaw up the ass, dick and balls sawed off, titties gone, head off. And then everybody like, there was almost a standing ovation.

Wow. It was like, people took it very, very seriously and they really enjoyed the carnage and the brutality. Yeah. I thought that that was like a return to cinema. And you should come, enjoy it. But it's gonna come to my house. No, no, no, we gotta go to the theater. We'll hold hands.

We'll kiss. You've seen the size of my TV in my living room? I know, but this is like, you know... We have huge TVs at home. But does the sound make you like... Does it get your click going? Well, I have one of those JBL things, and I put it right between my legs,

right up against my pussy lips. And I ride it. What if the lady was like, oh, I'm so sorry, and she takes a JBL out of her pussy, like, I got so confused. Right. Last thing I saw was Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice with you.

Yeah, and that was fun-ish, but you gotta see, the thing about the movie is, like, the substance, the terrifier, it's the sound. I won't, you know what I realized just now? I don't ever go to the movies unless I'm invited. By someone. Well, guess what, bitch? Prepare for some text messages from me.

You're going to be like, no. I did go to a movie when I was in Milwaukee. You know, I went home. I took off for Halloween this year, the Saturday of Halloween, because it was Aunt Gucci's 60th birthday. Huge turnout. Huge turnout.

Like 50 people there. She said, huge turnout, like a funeral. Yeah, because people in my family don't get together like that unless it's like, death. We did stuff, you know, like my sister made jello shots, things like all kinds of spooky items, what they got, you know, all the items. And there's like a family game, which I think is like a Germanic thing or a Norwegian thing, where they have the big stump, and you gotta like hit the hammer, hit the nail with one swing and try to get it in and then you win. You win a prize.

Oh, this is the stump game. And of course my cousin who does like contracting is like, and I was like, well, cheating. Wait, so you hit a hammer into a stump? So you have like a stump with like a little long, long nail. And like, right, here's the hammer. Once. And for this round, you guys have to throw the hammer

up the air, flip it, catch it, and try to pound it in one hit. Jesus Christ. I know, and everyone's drunk. There's kids around. hammer up the air, flip it, catch it, and try to pound it in one hit. Jesus Christ. I know, and everyone's drunk. There's kids around. But they're contractors. They know what time it is. Well, that's why I was ready for the funeral. True. Hammer in the eye. Death.

I did. Who's jealous of the hammer? And I walk in, my mom is in a witch costume, in a wig. Your mother dressed up? She's in a witch costume in a wig. Val put a wig on? And I said, where did you get that wig? And she said, Facebook Marketplace. I'm shocked that she even knows what a wig is.

A secondhand wig. Considering, oh, she got a used wig off of Facebook? Yeah, used wig off of Facebook. So the girls have lice. OK, so. Val is riddled. But you know what? I can appreciate Thrifty.

Thrifty. Because she's like, I'm going to wear it once. Exactly. That's why you go, you walk down a downtown crossing in Boston, you pick up the tracks off the ground. Yeah, we just saw some, the day after Halloween in Milwaukee, we saw hair on the ground. Lots of hair on the ground.

So Val is, you know, let's just say Val was walking the children in nature. Long, black and gray witch wig. My mom's also like 100 pounds too. So my mom in a black dress with the wig on, I walked in and was like, what happened to that little girl? Right?

I was like, what? I walked in and was like, I'm not in drag. So mom's in drag, like what's happening? Somebody has to be in drag. Somebody at any moment has to be in drag. One fur kiss must be dragged up. And my sister, I had to cut a wig. I, listen, it was a last minute costume idea.

So I thought I'm gonna be Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I get a women's yellow stone wig, long blonde wig. And I cut it into a short like Shaggy, Shaggy Scooby Doo wig. Oh, he's the one with like the green shirt and the- Oh, Scoob. Yeah, that, okay, yeah. So I cut the wig.

You love Scooby Doo, huh? It's great. But I had done, that, okay, yeah. So I cut the wig. You love Scooby-Doo, huh? It's great. But I had done, I did Daphne, so I thought, oh, that's a fun boy costume. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had to cut this fucking wig, and my sister went to beauty school, and I go up to her, and she was a cat, right?

Her skin's all painted orange, she glued in her eyebrows. Jesus. She has ears on with the big snatched eyes. My sister goes hard for Halloween hunt. But the back of her wasn't painted, and she goes, I go, how's the back of the wig look? She goes, it looked like you got frustrated and gave up. I said, well, the back of her wasn't painted and she goes I go How's the back of the wig look? She goes it looked like he got frustrated gave up I said well the back of you is not painted bitch. So what kind of cat are you damn? So we're getting really into it

And then my mom high as hell goes to sit on the toilet starts yelling my sister's name like Sam I go in there and my mom goes you said you knew mom goes, are you sure you know what you're doing? To put lashes and eyeshadow on her. I said, faggot, sit down. I invented this shit, Mary. Yeah, she's sitting in her black gown on the toilet. She's going, somebody has to do my makeup. So I do it.

She's very like, I guess I'll settle for you. Not my son. I know. Not my son who does drag, owns a makeup company, went to beauty school. I'm measuring the lash to her eye, and then I go to cut it. She goes, why are you cutting it?

I go, don't you think I would know? Jesus Christ. I do this lovely little smokey eye with a little glitter, and then I said, all right, should we do some under eye concealer foundation? She's like, no. I said, we're not doing a heavy smokey eye with no foundation.

Grant to my mom is beautiful skin, so I do, you know. Nobody's that beautiful. Right. And then she wants to do a black lip, so she has a little black lipstick she puts on, and she wants to do herself, so you know. She's that beautiful. Right. And then she wants to do a black lip. So she has a little black lipstick. She puts it on. She wants to do herself. So she's in the mirror with the wig on.

I was like, OK, ho. I got you ready. But once you step out of this bathroom, your wig falls off, your lash falls off. I'm having jello shots of pooch. Out of my jurisdiction. I don't know what happens to you. I don't know what happens to you.

So then this is all leading to that night, I said, I have a Saturday off in Milwaukee, and I haven't know what happens to you. Fuck. So then, this is all leading to, that night I said, I have a Saturday off in Milwaukee and I haven't in 15 years probably been to see Rocky Horror at the Oriental Theater. Oh. So I get two tickets to go see in the Oriental Theater in Milwaukee, they do Rocky. Does that mean you just like shout at the screen? Yes. It's like a thousand people there.

And they're all dressed up in Rocky costumes and... You're going to a thousand person theater, but you won't see the substance with me and 55 people? I was thinking it's funny that I have a night off from Dragon. I'm like, let's go watch people run around in high heels and wigs. That's crazy. But did you, so you dressed up? Oh, I was in my costume so no one recognized me. My own. My shaky costume.

Your eye-popping. My eye-popping day look. You're uncluckable. Yes. My incredible wig. Not a soul could clock. And I went and watched the movie and watched all the kids run around and do Rocky Horror and it was so fun. Oh, they'd perform it?

They'd perform it, yeah. While the thing plays. Yeah, while the movie plays. They wear the costumes from the movie and they exactly act it all out. They shadow cast it. Oh, I love it. I wanna be Columbia.

I see that for you. I went down the line running, running, running, running, running, running, running, running, running, seen all the time, got a hood on, down, right? That's the devil's rejects. But yes. So I had a really good time. We went to like 3 a.m., which I was not prepared for.

I forgot how long it is. Oh, midnight movie. Yeah, midnight movie. Kiss of Death. Well, first thing, I do a costume contest because all these people are for Halloween. Yeah. Ugh, I don't like costume contests.

I don't like it. I hosted one at This Is It because I had to do my party there. Well, we used to have everyone in the bar come up one by one. Oh, Jesus Christ. And now we pick five. That's much better. You have the drag queen walks over the person,

and you do this, which is much more efficient. That's what we did in Australia. Much more efficient. Pym, or who's the crab from the Powerpuff Girls? Him. Him. The Australian version. Hi, Pym. The Australian version.

Hi Pim. Are you Pim? They won, a super tall guy in drag was Elvira Conti. So sexy. And then there was, if I knew then what I know now, Miss Argentina. Fierce. It was so good. Do I care about Halloween costumes?

Ask me that. Do you? No. I mean, I like people's enthusiasm. In Boston's. For them. For them. Somebody was the Boulay brothers,

and they were dressed as a Boulay brother, and they had an upper torso in the same outfit with the wig on over their shoulder strapped to them. And they were two people. That is so funny. It was awesome. Didn't they also do it? I can't do the voice.

Hello. Hello. I really like her. But I love doing Halloween with them. I get to do it every year. What did they do for a number? They don't do a number, they just host and do a contest. What did they look like?

They're huge TV stars now. Long black, you know, black with the spooky. And then they did like an orange thing, spooky. So the black thing and then the orange thing. Yeah, I mean, the Boulay brothers, they have a very tight branding situation. With some variations on the black. Sometimes it's more black.

Yes. Oh my God. I was a sexy devil. Right. With the flu. Yes. But I looked lovely. And then I got this dress from China and it was like not quite Tiimou.

It was like a step above AliExpress, a step above Teemu. It was like this gorgeous mirrored gown, but all the little pieces of mirror had plastic over them. It took me and Fina an hour and 45 minutes to take off all the little plastic things. But once those plastic bits were off, honey, it was, ooh, it was good. She gave the girls the Teemu serve.

No, but she gave the good- One of the highest paid drag queens in the world. It was like, no, it was, I'm telling you, it was like $175. Wow. You can't find that on Teemu. Where was it from? Moo Moo?

I swear. It was, you borrowed it from Moo Dang. It was really from Moo Moo. M-E-W, M-E-W. Oh, I love Moo Moo. That's not Teemu. I told you, it's Moo Moo. Yeah, Moo Moo's, I love them.

I have some of their outfits. Yeah, I'm hoping they do a new site, the new Moo. You's not Tee Moo. I told you it's Moo Moo. I love them. I have some of their outfits. Yeah, I'm hoping they do a new site, the new Moo. You know that silver dress I have with all the rainbow stars on it? With the matching boots? That's from Moo Moo? That's Moo Moo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. If y'all are honestly any body type, they make really good Moo Moo.

I wouldn't say anybody type. Where's this fucking drip? Moo Dang. It's Kunti. They also charged me for a gown that did not arrive. Love that. But look at this shit. It's beautiful. Come on, person. By the way, we have a great guest next week. I just want to tease.

Really good guest. My favorite person in the world. Do you see that? Wow. It's so pretty. I mean, I'm doing something weird, but isn't that gorge? The body is a little rough. It's pretty, right?

Yeah. It looks like... I like that. It's pretty. It's pretty. It's pretty. It's pretty. It's pretty. It's so pretty. I mean, I'm doing something weird, but isn't that gorgeous? The body is a little rough. It's pretty, right? Yeah. It's...

I like that you're kind of like... It looked better in person. Embracing you. Shut the fuck up. And like, you know, like, this is my body. This is who I am. You know? Well, Mary, I...

From my one devil outfit, I had a midriff bear moment. It was a night of... Mama, you want to talk talk scream Queen's horror show? When I went sideways and did this, they were like, that's the terrifier and she's 13 months pregnant. It was so crazy. Listen, we got to dip because our guest is here, but the next guest, see you next week. The guest is so, so good. My one of my favorite people on the whole world.

One of the funniest people alive. It's Moodang. It's Moodang. Bye.