The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Wear Your Virtue, Broadcast Your Bouquet with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

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We're coming. We're going to Austin, Atlanta, San Jose. And we added shows in Seattle and Brooklyn because we sold out. Added shows. It's like the Titanic. Makes sense though, Brooklyn, Seattle. So buckle up, woke left. We're coming and get you.

And if you think we're pretty on camera, a close-up, you should see us from extremely far away. Thank you. Ladies and gentle-themes, let's welcome to the pod, the incomparable 12 dancing toes of Miss Pinnis's friend, big ass. Hi, big ass. Yeah.

Hi, big ass. Miss Bigass. It's big ass. Sorry. I feel like it's a talk show and I want to be like, I want to be like, soon they come and they sit down to like, it's so funny.

I was on a plane and the guy next to me was watching the movie that I'm in. I hate that story. And they always tell that story. They do. They always are like, do they really? Do you get recognized a lot from the office?

Well, I was on this flight recently. the guy next to me was watching it and I was like, oh my God, he's going to freak out. And then they don't notice. The kicker in the story is the person never recognizes them. Yeah, because they're living in their own world. You piece of shit. You piece of shit. I just, I don't want a traffic story.

But oh, my God, do you ever remember that, Nathan for you episode where he's like, I want to have the perfect late night story. But he didn't want to lie. So he manufactured like some kind of, I forget the story was about like getting pulled over in a big suit with like someone's ashes. Yes. The ad. And he, like, faked all of it.

It was a great story. He found someone who would give them his mom's ashes. Oh, my God. Do you think I'm mentally ill that? It was the suit. It was the suit, right? It was the suit. It was a mix-up with a suit and then it was like a cocaine drug thing, but it was ashes.

Oh, they thought it was drugs, but it was cocaine. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is what happened. Girl, I have a lot to say. If you really acted like that, I don't know how long I would last.

I wouldn't last Girl, it's been really, it's all corrupt girl. Oh yeah. Hey, hey, hey, we just moved back in. We just moved back in. And thank you all so much for your really encouraging comments on the previous hold, placeholder set.

It's always so lovely. Thank you. It's always so lovely. Thank you, Anne, sorry. And you're welcome and I'll do better. Yeah. It's always so lovely. It's always so encouraging.

We're sorry about having to move sets. I'm sorry. Maria Bamford was here. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. You almost die. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry that.

I'm sorry we have such big asses. That we could do something about it. Yeah, we could. We could. But that's only because we walk into rooms, we hit the walls in between the door jams and it's hard to get in between. But that's not my ass. It's my hemorrhoid.

No, that's your, that's the coat, the, um, the ashes. What do you think about me blasting out a new hemorrhoid on the day that Madonna snackatirium dropped?

Snacketia. Like what do you think? Creameteria. Um, Cappatorium. Capitarium. Girl, this album is wonderful. Oh, you know what? Yeah. I mean, I'm not like saying, like, can you believe this?

Everyone is a work of art. It's everyone is a work of art. I love that. Everyone is a work of art. Everyone is a work of art. Yeah, yeah. And then, um, in the first track on the record, she talks about going out dancing. And she says, there's safety and there's a safety and being around real people. Sure. Dancing. Yeah. Rather than those robots from Walmart. Yeah. It's just great. It's great. It's a huge win. Yeah. Nina is probably somewhere jorking. Yeah, yeah. Jerking her penis.

Yeah, the penis is so, is hardly got any skin. Phenistoning a fake microphone right now. Yeah, he's probably got hardly any skin left on it. Where's my red ball? Oh. No, she came in and she got a, they gave her a sugar-free ribble. Baby need juicy. Baby need juicy.

Oh, God forbid, you get excited to talk to me. I am. I just want to, I want to be able to, um, I feel like they haven't let us film in so long. Who hasn't let us film? Them. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I have a pot, like a notes app.

Yeah. Open up the notes app, sis. Yeah. Well, things I need to talk to you about. I have so many things too much. I know it's been. To me. It hasn't been.

Yeah, no, for real. It's been so long. It's been so long. I've got a laundry list of things that I cross, oh, thank you so much. I cross reference with a medical doctor this morning. Oh, sure. I'm active listening. I did.

Oh, sure. Oh, sure. You, poop. You poop. You know, when Annie books is in the movie like that, and she's like, she's like, I'm not stupid. and she was incredulous about the, like, you can't just, you can't just pull my leg. Like that, he didn't get out of the cock and duty car. Right.

I have that same type of reaction, the same tone and quality of it every time I see the thing. I know I've talked to you about this before. But I, oh. Oh, you're engaged again. I can't do this with you anymore. No one never shows up. No one's married you. That's your right hand.

Polycule. Girl. There's nobody in my cule. No, it's one of those NUVA ring things. Do you like this ring? The NUva ring. I do. What is it called?

Or a ring. It tracks my hormones. It tracks my hormones. Do you know how my progesterone was all out of whack the other day from a scissoring? No, it was because six months on tea. And your pH is off. My pH is. What about people who willfully smell bad?

Honk. These, these. I get it. I get it. I should be allowed to arrest people. At a gay bar if someone has B-O-H-V-Rrest. The citizens arrest. Bring it back.

I feel like I know. that I know that ACAB, and I live and die by that. But I'm not a cop. I'm a citizen. So, so I want to do away with ice. I want to do reform the police, all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's important that we put together another task force to go down to East Hollywood.

Yeah. And hold these FAAGs down and hose them off. I was going to say, how about instead of pepper spray or maced, it's deodorant. It's ex-body spray. Citizens arrest. Put your hands up. Because I, the FagGs where they, they leave. and the next day you can smell the B.O.

And you're like, girl, that was yesterday. I know. It's diabolical. I don't think smelling bad is ever a called for. No, it's uncalled for. And you know who's floating that? Big tea tree. Big tea tree.

Big tea tree is telling you. Yeah, big tachry. And big non-aluminum or whatever. They want you to go into the redwood forest. They chip off a small piece of, very small piece of bark from the bottom. And then they wanted to rub it. on your hairy armpits and then somehow believe and trust and fully get into the delusion that you don't smell like the cat's ass.

It's too much. It's also very like, oh, who's that earthy? Like, I'm going to go tap a maple tree so I can do. But they're not doing that, though. I would appreciate it if the effort was there, but they're not doing that. Right. They're just not showering and they're not using the ignorant. And they smell like, they smell like hammered shit.

But I think it's a calling card. I think it's a sex call. I think it's like, do you like smells? It's telling other people you like smells. No, that's true. presenting your own smell. Yeah, that is, that is definitely a thing. And I have been in the middle of that once. And I appreciated the, it was a very open dialogue. But also it's like, are, are we kingshaming now? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not talking about these people. I'm those people. Because I'm sex positive. So maybe I should be smelling them and being like, it smells really good. No, no, no. No, no. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, love shit. Love shit. Love shit. Mm. Hmm. Stay right. Stay right. And be whiffing that can chili smell. No, no, no, it's those, a couple of guys I hooked up with, they were into that. And they said they were into that.

The warning was there. The writing was on the wall. There's no excuse. And I said, let me try it. And it was just not for me. But that, but I appreciated them. And they were, they were lovely guys. Right.

But that's something that they don't voice or hoist or thrust upon other people without the consent, such as other people who show up in your personal space, who smell like the cat's ass. And they know they smell bad. And they either don't care or they're antagonizing you willingly. Yeah. I feel like it's really. Yeah. That's all. By the way, shout out to the P-sler.

The people on the P-Sler have called the people who don't do Patreon non-P-levers. You are so fucking foolish. That is foolish. And we won't be talking about the P-Sler here anymore. No, no, no, because it's a slur. I saw it on the news. You did. You did?

Yeah. KTLA? Oh, yeah. Or BBC. That we got a P-Ler. Oh, my God. It was, yeah, Christian Amamport was live from the trenches. She was, I was... Lindsey Graham killed himself.

That's why Mitch McIntyreggle's been missing for three. Three months. Everybody's looking for... Girl, girl, tell me... Girl, don't even get me started. I had this DJ gig at the Roosevelt a couple weeks ago. Okay.

And I want to say, I love the Roosevelt. I love Bonnie McKee, who invited me. I am my own artist and nobody else's political opinions are mine, right? Okay, so don't be at that camera too. But I have a big mouth and I hate injustice. Yeah. So it was like all these FAAGs.

I'm DJing. It was a little hot, but not too bad. I'm sweating, whatever. It was a dry heat. It was a dry heat. It's the human. Humidity. It's not hot, but it's humid.

With the first 30 minutes. Oh, yeah. You know the roads are the slipperiest, the first 30 minutes of rain, right? So I'm DJing and I'm so, you know, Mr. Wonderful watches 16 hours of news a day. So I'm plugged in. I'm too plugged in. Yeah. You're turned in, Tept and turned on.

And so I'm DJing and I'm feeling my music. I think I was literally playing the realness. I was like, Real is what you feel. And I'm feeling my shit. I turned the music down. I'm just going. silence. Where's Mitch McConnell bringing the music back?

And then fans are going like this. And I go, yeah, where? I'm like, mouthing the words. I'm like, where is he? And then there's gay people in the audience going like, dead. Like, it was. And I feel bad because I don't want anybody to die.

I want bad things to happen to people. But I have a really hard time. I do. I have really hard time. What? Believing that. Believing they were these soul-sucking ghouls who wouldn't know an ounce of public service if it came in and it bopped them where the ladybugs are Hello, girl.

Hello, if someone double-fisted that nasty hole just burst through that field of ladybugs and just got him real good That whore is in hell and I say good riddance. I know I mean, of course hell's not real and he unleashed hell while he was on earth. That's the real. That's the thing. Hurting people. Heard acting harm. And also, active harm. Again, it's the,

it's the iron, the horrible irony of it, not a public servant. No. Why? Why be in politics? If you, because it's fierce health care,

it's job security. It shouldn't be. I'm sorry. Even the president should make minimum wage. Y'all can fight me. I just feel like if we can't trust people to not do it for the money,

then we're not going to get good candidates. Kickbacks, kickbacks, corruption, you know, all that crap. It's all corrupt girl. No, no, it really is.

No, it is. And these horrible ladybug-ridden, um, uh, uh, uh, F-A-Gs in private and secret, cloak and dagger. Hello. What does cloak and dagger mean? Ooh, I like that. It's a TV show. Cloak and dagger. Dagger.

Do you know what I did after that pool gig? You ate a bagel. I went backstage and they had brought back food. In drag in a corset. I ate a hot dog. Do you know how fiercely I've been? been going off on hot dogs. Yeah, you mentioned that the other day.

A smart dog is 60 calories and the keto bun is 60 calories. I had 120 calorie hot dog before I came here. It's like you're losing weight. Do you understand? You know, you laugh now, bitch. You laugh now. It's like they're paying me to eat it. You know, these points, they just, I just, I don't know where, yeah.

I mean, does the keto bun taste like a kitchen sponge? Absolutely. Does the does the does the does it taste good? Yes. Oh good. The hot dog is made almost entirely with like like like textured vegetable protein and vegetable starches. That sounds delicious. It's good. The ketchup is the highest calorie thing on it. Can you believe? No, I'm not. I'm living large. I'm living allowed. You're Abby normal. Oh my God. You know which clip I have to watch every time it shows up on TikTok? That clip from that show Girls with Andrew Reynolds. She's like that fruity little. voice. I have to watch it every time. Yeah, no, that's such a great scene. It's such a great scene. She goes, she goes, well, you know what? The next time I have sex with someone, I'm going to ask if they're gay. And he goes, good luck with that. Don't be surprised if they ask you if you keep dressing like that. So fierce. And then she adds, says his father's gay. Yes, fierce. No, he adds her father's gay. Oh, her father's gay. That's right. Yeah. She goes, he's not gay. He has a stud in his ear. He got it on

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You still want to have sex with girls? Is that still on the horizon? Oh, my God. You said it the other day. Yes. So, let me pinch you a picture. I was at the Melrose flea market. Yeah, Melrose flea market, $6 to get in. And I was, yeah, they charged to get... Oh, baby, yeah, it's a...

I mean, they charge to get in there. To get in, it's outside. I think it's for the high school. No, no, I don't. I was like, if I, I was, I was driving around in that area. God, I bring it up so early. We'll talk about that later. But I was driving around and I was like, oh, and I park.

And then I go and I was like, oh, my gosh. If it's $30, I'm going to lose my mind. Right. I'm going to lose my mind. Right. Because it's the, the, the, um, Rose Bowl is about, you get, if you get it, I don't know. It's like $30 or $20. It's $20 or $30.

I feel that it's totally worth it. It's a fucking huge event, huge event. I've been. Yeah. It's crazy. They have a lot of vintage Barbies there. They got a lot of everything there. Yeah.

I mean, they have a whole other side but just clothes. Furniture. I mean, yeah. Anyways, the Melrose one is like, a lot of stuff, juices, whatever. And then walking around, I got rolled. I got, this woman absolutely rolled me. She took me up and rolled me like a sushi and a carpet. And I, for getting a silver chain, sterling silver.

She got both her, she took me up and put me on the slab, put her, like, elbow, opera length latex gloves on and just started. Just started fisting you. She started fisting me. She started going in there. She's like, I'm going to get every. Why did you want the necklace so bad? It was this beautiful.

Okay. How much was it? It was, I'm afraid to say, I'm ashamed. For sterling silver, isn't that like kind of affordable? But that's what I thought. And that's what I had previously, because I sold silver at the shop. And you got up there and she told you the price and you got stuck. Because it's hard to say like, that's more than I thought.

Bye. Well, she did with one of them. And I was like, I was like, Jesus. Christ, I said that. And then, yeah, it was, it was $300. Oh, it was. Sterling silver? Well, isn't that like affordable?

Isn't sterling silver like affordable? Stainless steel is affordable. Stirling silver is up there. Oh, it is not as quite as expensive as gold. Okay. Oh, okay. So I don't really wear any jewelry, so I don't know. Gold is very expensive. The same thing in gold could have cost $400.

Now, but with jewelry, it's all a scam. Jury's all a scam. Jury's all a scam. They weigh it. So this is how she. she calculated the way she weighed it. And then I was like, ay,

y, yay, but anyway, so long story short, I was eating my stuff and I was having a time of my life. The snacketerium. It was a light dresser. You were at the snacketeer.

I was the only one without a little umbrella in the snacketerium. Everyone is a work of art. Yeah. I mean, I'm stuffed in the food into my face because you don't have

that big new fat body that I love. Yeah. I'm stuck in the food in my face and I, and I just can't get it in fast enough and trying to like not choke. Yeah. And then I,

this woman came up to me and she's like, she was so hot so hot this woman was so gorgeous she looked like a model and she came up and she was like my boyfriend says that you're famous and I said then I as I like and I wiped all this stuff from my face

I said yes I'm Julia Roberts and then we had a nice laugh and then I looked at her boyfriend and I was like I wanted to fuck them both so bad okay sure and I fumbled the ball so this is what I would have said to her I was like, I'm so, I'm like, oh, that's so nice. Yeah, I had to do this, whatever, blah, blah.

But it's like, oh, you know, I don't want me to be like, I don't want to be a sleaze bag, but you are, you guys are the hottest couple I've seen in a while. And I was like, have a wonderful day. What if you said it like less? What if you guys are such an attractive couple. Yeah, there you go. That's it. There you go. You guys are such an attractive couple.

I don't want to be, I don't want to be gross. But I'm glad you didn't say anything because knowing you, you might have said like, I was just looking at you guys. And I was thinking that I was thinking, I want to lick your pussy and he. close off. No, I want to have you both on the bed, back on the bed, bellies up, and I want to eat your pussy. I think I's never seen an ice cream sandwich? I want to eat your pussy and sucky stick at the same time. Go back and forth. Would you be open to me sucking his come out of your pussy? See, now we're getting somewhere. And she goes, oh my God, is that sterling silver? How much you pay for that?

Was it over there? Oh my God, feels. We just got wrong. You know what? I would have said, honey, if your boyfriend knows who I am, I check his browser history. Okay, because he's jorking. Because he's jorkin. So that, so. Say it again, girl. Say it again. Because that was exactly the train of thought that I was, I was hiking with my little trip.

What do you call those? The sticks? Hiking sticks? Right. I was like, interesting. Then I looked him up and down like a restaurant menu and I said, there's something bisexual about that man. Absolutely.

Very bisexual. Yeah. I'm bisexual. Buy me something. I'll get sexual. But I wanted to go. And then I know that I know that bisexual erasure is a thing, but I like that joke of buy me something. I'll get sexual.

I know that that's funny to me. It's stupid. Yeah. But see, what I wanted to. Bisexual people. No, no, no. And I love, listen. Because they get a racial.

You're talking to racial. Camera one, camera eight, camera two. We see you. Yeah. And we fucked a lot of you. And I want to fuck. I want to be, I'm very jealous, like a rat searching around for a food. They're advanced species, I believe.

Yeah. Yeah. Pantexuals, I think, are the advanced species. Well, yeah, but that's just a state of mind. Yeah. As in, like, men, they think, they don't do the men and women thing. Oh, my God, I was, uh... Wait, wait, wait.

So, um, I did a little, I had a meditation this morning about my new fat body. And I'm, I'm being hyperbolic, but let me say, I'm just going to, let me, let me... This is the biggest you've ever been. It's true. This is your life. This is my life. Thank you. Let me, let's your experience.

Don't try to negate my experience. And don't try to tell somebody else how they can talk about their own body. That is, that's exactly what I don't like that either. No, I don't like, so I did, I did like a little thing about it and it was, um, there was a, uh, there's some mental, there's some serious mental friction between, uh, adjusting to this new, because I'm carrying a lot more mass than I usually do. Like, I'm talking about if I want to fold myself in half, we're on a journey. It's not going to happen right away. Oh my God. No, I'm thinking like, you've never actually gained any weight. What the fuck?

What the fuck was that? No, I'm picturing actual. That was diabolical. I'm picturing flexibility in combination with like you're bending around mass now. So imagine these big tittyed women

in the yoga class or jogging. Well, not really. Sometimes they don't jog. By the way, I was on a hike last night. I saw this woman coming up the trail with no bra. This woman she was like... And no, sure.

She was actually running for her life. She had big, huge pendulumous breasts. That way, had no support. I was like, you better work. You know what? Every time they bounced on her underboob, she had tattoos that keep looking. I saw this really cunty thing online. This girl had these big beautiful boobs and she had rhinestone an arc shape under each boob.

Almost like where the wire of a bra would go. And it was rhinestone. I thought it was so hot. Yeah, Lovita has a dress like that. It has an underwire that's jeweled. Yeah, it was beautiful. It's so cute. Yeah, beautiful.

I just was like, what a fun way to wear stones. For spring, are you kidding? Do you know what I mean? How are you? God. You always ask. Wait. How are you?

You always ask me. You're always thinking about me. So my new fat body and I have this. So 5,9002. Okay. This is unprecedented. The largest I've ever been, the largest I've ever recorded myself

hitting the scale was 181. So this is an undiscovered country. It's a very exciting time for me. Right. It's a very exciting time. Do your clothes fit? No. Because that gets less exciting when you start having.

to buy new clothes. But what a fortuitous time? What a gift? So all, you know, the only tragedy is, well, not the only tragedy. I sold all the drag of the drag sale. The drag is gone.

It's all gone. The shoes I kept, the really expensive shoes didn't sell, thank God, because I loved them, and didn't really actually want to sell them. So, sold the lubitons that are like,

did not wear, was never intending on wearing. They're so uncomfortable. Oh, yeah. How did the drag sale go? Do we talk about that? No. You had the drag sale.

Oh, it was great. I had the time of my life. I love playing shop girl. I know you were so, you were very worried that there was going to turn into absolute bedlam and chaos. It didn't.

Well, I didn't go. Yeah, that's why. Are you kidding? I said, if you showed up, it would be really turned. Gridlock. Turned up times 10. It would have been like,

it would have been the fire festival. It would have been that. People would have got one, one square of bread with a flat piece of American cheese. That's not cooked. Well, I would have had to call my friend Taylor and had her shut down most of the city.

Take her private jet and just fly into the sale. And shut down most of the city. Yeah, but it was great. Made a lot of money. And I got to... But did you get to connect with the people in a meaningful way? Because that's more important than the money. No, you're being funny, but I'm being serious.

Yes, it was. I was playing shop girl. I was slashing prices all day long. I was in my people, it was, I was really upset with Amy Dawn in a way because with sugar, uh, sugar pill, shrinkle, because she was pricing everything so low and she's right, right by mine. And I'm like, you can't bring down my real estate. it's cute, well taken care of.

It's great. It was all looked like an actual store. If you didn't look at the edges, it was like the actual store. And I got everything, I mean, it's just hung over. It's not been washed. Probably, right? Some of the, no, nothing smelled bad.

So then I had just put up everything. I was like, I'm going to triple the price. Whatever you think you're going to sell it for, triple it or double it and put it up because then you can do 50% off. And that's exactly what I did. So everything's 50% off. People are like, yeah. But then they look at the prices.

are like, well, it's still too high. So the psychology of it. But so, for example, if something was $800, you better believe they're walking away with it for $150. Wow. And guess what? We get to have a lovely interaction. I put the TV up on the highest volume we would go,

and we would just jamming, I was screaming. You had the TV on? Well, music. Music on the TV. Right. Pee was there. Screaming, sweating. Pee blinders on the TV. Watching TV.

And I was just, I needed a step ladder so I could really do my floor show. That flat rolls hanging out. Oh my gosh. Have you seen that episode of Portlandia with Audrey Plaza? Aubrey Plaza. Sorry. Aubrey Plaza.

And she's trying to buy that book. And he's like, I can't reach it. And she's like, you're literally touching it. He's like, we cannot reach it at this time. So fucking funny. That is the best. It was that kind of energy. They're just starting a pod.

Fred Armisen and Kerry are having a rewatch a pod of Portlandia. Oh, that's nice. Oh, my God. I did Kyle McLaughlin's pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me. You should go on him. his because, you know, he was in that Twin Peaks you like.

Yeah, no shit. Yes. Yes, he wasn't that Twin Peaks. And I think he was in something else you like, too. He's in a lot of things that I like. Yeah, and I was telling him how cool you are. He was trained sex in the city with his butt. He asked, if he was available, I said, very.

Yeah, yeah, she goes out. I didn't ask about show girls. It's okay. I just feel like. If you're going to ask anybody about show girls, it's Elizabeth Berkeley. I don't think you can. No, you can. No, no, she's traveling around the world with it.

It's been a whole, it's been a whole journey. and she's doing okay. I did a lot of research on it recently because I was worried about her. Yeah. And no, it was, it took a while because she didn't get any. You caught me at a very show girl's time of my life.

Two years dropped by her talent agency. Oh yeah. I love her. I do too. What a beauty. It's awesome. So wait, drugs and went well, fat body was good.

I'm having, I'm dealing with the dissonance of it because if I bend over, I feel it there. And also, it's a big addition to what I'm usually accustomed to, which is wild movement.

Right. What's your plan for drag? Are you going to be able to wear a corset? I tried on the corset yesterday with Fina. Can you fit the, I'm not being funny. No, because I have two sizes of corsets

because I can't wear all of them. Fino was like, thank God you took this censure in. So she took it out? We can't. No, the cinchers, the cinchers, no, bueno. But the cincher, we're past the point of a cincher because where's it going to go?

Right. It's going to spill over the top and on the bottom. So we're shifting the shape of the garment and we're exploring other options in terms of wastes. Do you like a line? Do you like... Where we're getting into empire. Is it umpire?

It's not umpire, right? It's vampire waste. Vampire waste. Vampire Chinese? It's vampire Chinese. What is it? It's empire waste, right? It's not umpire.

It's umpire. It's umpire. We're getting into umpire waste. Have you ever seen this? You know Bible girl? Yes. Have you ever seen this? Have you ever seen this?

Have you met? I don't know. I'd probably. told you this fucking story. That's true. But there's this clip of RuPaul saying, Bible girl, tell it, tell it. You said that you've told me the story like a hundred and fifty times. Lately I've been saying that alone in my house. Bible girl tell it. But she she, she Frankenstein that together, right? I have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm in the kitchen cooking my $50, my 50 color hot dogs. I go,

Bible girl tell it. Mr. Woodrow goes, what? Did you say so? You're like, vampire Chinese. Bible girl tell it. I'll tell you later. Vampire Chinese. By the time July reaches the Canadian Rockies, summer is no longer a season. It's a full theatrical production with mountains, wildflowers, glistening blue lakes, and at least one person in every group chat saying, Should we just go to Bonf? So we made that trip happen. My best friends and I went to the mountains last month,

and we stayed in a charming home I booked on Airbnb. The days felt endless, the air smelled like fresh Douglas fir, and suddenly I was deep in my summer travel era. It was a beautiful place with a deck where I sat within a house. iced coffee and stared at the mountains like it had life advice for me. We had breakfast each morning in the fully equipped kitchen and our evenings were spent in the hot tub under the Canadian stars. And the best part was, while I was away having my grand summer transformation into a mountain person, my home didn't have to sit empty. Hosting your home on Airbnb means your place can welcome

someone else while you're off canoeing, road tripping, or sightseeing. That extra income could help cover your next getaway, a home improvement project or maybe just the gas money required to follow every scenic highway your summer heart desires. So this July, while you're planning your own great Canadian summer escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Your guests will enjoy a wonderful place to stay while exploring everything your neighborhood has to offer, and you get a little help making your next sun-drenched adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.co. By the time July reaches the Canadian Rockies, summer is no longer a season. It's a full theatrical production with mountains, wildflowers, glistening blue lakes,

and at least one person in every group chat saying, Should we just go to Bonf? So we made that trip happen. My best friends and I went to the mountains last month, and we stayed in a charming home I booked on Airbnb. The days felt endless, the air smelled like fresh Douglas fir, and suddenly I was deep in my summer travel era. It was a beautiful place with a deck where I sat with an iced coffee

and stared at the mountains like it had life advice for me. We had breakfast each morning in the fully equipped kitchen, and our evenings were spent in the hot tub under the Canadian stars. And the best part was, while I was away having my grand summer transformation into a mountain person, my home didn't have to sit empty. Hosting your home on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off canoeing, road tripping, or sightseeing. That extra income could help cover your next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just the gas money required to follow every scenic highway your summer heart desires. So this July, while you're planning your own great Canadian summer escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Your guests will enjoy a wonderful place to stay

while exploring everything your neighborhood has to offer. And you get a little help making your next sun-drenched adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca. When July arrives, we as humans can finally live up to our full potential as sun-dazed creatures who say things like, let's go kayak on the open ocean, or I can absolutely pull off a straw hat and a floral shirt. This summer I'm dreaming about a getaway to Traverse City, Michigan,

where I found a beautiful home in Lake Michigan that I booked with Airbnb, the perfect headquarters for Peak Lake-based summer whimsy. I want to wake up slowly, make coffee in a real kitchen, then head out for cherry pastries, pumpkin pancakes, and a heroic afternoon of pretending I actually know how to kayak. After that, maybe we can drive out to sleeping bare dishes. climb an enormous sandy hill and then stare out at Lake Michigan like we're in a fancy shampoo commercial. Then, in honor of the season, we reward ourselves with ice cream.

That is what the height of summer does to me. It makes every trip feel less like a vacation and more like a golden little movie where everyone is slightly sunburned and deeply committed to snacks. All with a home base that feels like somewhere you can actually settle in. That is why I love booking stays on Airbnb. I want a living room where everyone can collapse after a day in the water, a kitchen for late night sandwiches and lazy breakfasts, and enough space to feel like we are living our best summer lives, and if I'm traveling

with friends, even better. We can stay together, eat dinner together, and play car games badly. And maybe that one great trip becomes three great trips. Maybe it's Traverse City now, the Outer Banks next, or a long weekend in Bar Harbor after that, eating lobster rolls and becoming emotionally attached to a lighthouse. However summer unfolds, it just feels more personal when you book through Airbnb. By the time July reaches the Canadian Rockies, summer is no longer a season. It's a full theatrical production with mountains, wildflowers, glistening blue lakes, and at least one person in every group chat saying, should we just go to Bonf? So we made that trip happen. My best friends and I went to the

mountains last month and we stayed in a charming home I booked on Airbnb. The days felt endless, the air smelled like fresh Douglas fir, and suddenly I was deep in my summer travel era. It was a beautiful place with a deck where I sat with an ice coffee and stared at the mountains like it had life advice for me. We had breakfast each morning in the fully equipped kitchen, and our evenings were spent in the hot tub under the Canadian stars. And the best part was, while I was away having my grand summer transformation into a mountain person, my home didn't have to sit empty. Hosting your home on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off canoeing, road-tripping, or sightseeing. That extra income could help cover your next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just the game. gas money required to follow every scenic highway your summer heart desires. So this July, while you're

planning your own great Canadian summer escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Your guests will enjoy a wonderful place to stay while exploring everything your neighborhood has to offer, and you get a little help making your next sun-drenched adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.com. So this is important. Rupal answered the Prowst questionnaire for Vanity Fair. And I have been wanting to talk to you about this for weeks. Proust? Oh, okay. What is Proustian? Oh, okay. I would like to play the interviewer. And perhaps you would like to play RuPaul. Okay. I was born for this. I'm going to send it to your Instagram so you can open this because I love any RuPaul interview because I just, my love for RuPaul crystallizes and christens itself and grows

every day. This, this. I love RuPaul. And when she wakes up and doesn't feel like doing an interview and does it anyway, clearly, I'm very into the answers. She talked to Ms. Proust and they said, yeah, which living person do you most despise? All of them. Love. Love. Pride month is over, bitch. It's over.

Where would you like to live in the moment? She is such a... Troll. Troll. In the moment. Not this one, though. In the moment, anywhere, but here, if you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would you think it would be? By the way, this question is confusing.

Like, she's not a person now. No, no, no, a different person. Yeah, I know. Okay, yeah. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be? That's ridiculous. And Rupal hates Whimsie. She hates me.

She hates joking. That's ridiculous. She's like, she storms out. That's ridiculous. She slams the computer shut. She shoots them in the neck. What is your greatest regret? Chasing affection.

I mean, that's probably real. Yeah, no, I feel like that was, so far, that's, to me, that's one of the more real answers. Yeah. And I guess I like these, like, impossibly succinct answers. A quick read. Yes, quick read. You know, who's your favorite hero fiction? Jesus Christ.

That's a cunty answer. But I think that's weird because it means you like Jesus. Well, who wouldn't like Jesus? I love Jesus. The, the historical fiction character. Jesus is cunt. Okay. Jesus is Lord.

You don't like Jesus? I'm not saying, the reality of him being real or not is irrelevant. But, irrelevant. Lord could do Jesus, but Jesus could never do Lord. I love Achilles. I love Odysseus. Okay, okay. I love the Bible.

I love the Bible. I love Fran. I love Fran. I love Fran. Babbel girl, tell it. Oh, my girl, tell it. Okay, what are your heroes in real life? I don't have any heroes anymore.

Oh, my God, this is so. This is like the, I love it. Yeah, I love it. It's incredible. That's stupid. You should kill yourself. Because I love a, I remember when RuPaul was interviewed by Judge Judy for interview magazine. I read that.

I love when RuPaul does these real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have any heroes anymore. Yes, that, that does track. It's just fierce, girl. It's fierce. It's all corrupt girl. I have to tell you I went to, I was, Leland was driving me around and we went to, where do we go?

We went somewhere and Leland drove and I got in the car and Leland has this beautiful, I don't want to put him on blast. Porch. Stunning Porsche. And I don't know anything about cars, but I know that that's fancy. Yeah. And I only noticed it was a nice car because I got in and the interior was so fancy. I was like, wow, this is such a beautiful car. And then I looked at the name brand, Porsche, Rich.

Do you know what kind of Porsche it was? It had four wheels. But it wasn't one of the Porsche SUVs, right? Was it? Yes. Oh, it was like a cayenne or mid-sized at least? Yeah, like a cayenne pepper. Cyan or a mican?

Yeah, something like that. It was not a car. It was a SUV. Yes. Porsche makes SUVs now. Yes. So we're driving and I go, oh, thank you so much. And oh, I was going to the gay bar to do drinking.

Yes. I've been doing a lot of drinking. Designated driver. Oh, we went out to gay night. Yes, we hung out. You did get driving. Very drunk. No, I'm just kidding. Remember I drove us downtown to gay night?

To gay club? We went to Maurice. Ow, I went to Maurice. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Wonderful keeps calling it Morris. Morris. Well, who is he? Who is Morris?

Who is Morris? We did our little video. We did a TikTok. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, what was my, what was? So Leland, push. Oh, so beautiful car.

And I'm like, are you sure, Leland? You could drop me and my lovely boyfriend at the gay bar? Akbar to do drinking. I said, thank you so much. I get, you know, the curb is kind of high.

Did you fall? No, bitch. I opened that car door and she was like, and I was like, $3,000. No, because it's like,

you got it. You know, you got this, girl. I got, became very empowering. I said, girl,

you got this. You got this. It's your responsibility. You have a car. But also, I don't know. It was an accident. It doesn't matter.

Wait. Oh. You defaced his car? It's not like I took my key and wrote faggot on the side. I just, the underside got scraped. And besides, we don't even know if it already had been scraped. It's certainly, I think we all know that Lee Lynn. We all know I wasn't the first man in that seat.

Okay. And I think normally, they're not exactly. Why don't even know which sideway? I'm just beating myself with it. I don't think. So you trashed his car and you made him pay for it. You totaled his, so she totals his car and she makes him pay for it. And then I just was like, sorry or congratulations.

And ran in the gay bar. Like, ran. Too long, didn't read. Leelan, let us know in the comments. Get involved. Get involved. Get involved.

Get involved. Get involved. Maybe I wouldn't be surprised if you got served by an ambulance chaser. Sooner rather than later. I know we've talked about this. I just have so many things I have to talk to you about. Number one, this is like a power. This is like a,

a lightning round? Quick fire challenge. Lightning Ryan. Yeah, yeah. I need every reality show to stop having flapper 20s parties. We have to stop with the great Gatsby. themed parties. If I see one more

of these fucking bitches. Oh, I am so. Charming Charlie's stupid fucking half. And guess what? When you turn around that rubber band,

your back of your head is all puckered, you look like shit. Pining your hair up, I'm doing a little bop. No, you're not. You all look like shit.

Plastic pearls. They all walk in. Those horrible character, those T-straps. They walk in, they're like, and their confessional's like, you know,

even with all the drama, I just want to have a good time tonight. And they walk in like, It's so pissed off. Like, of all the themes for parties, it's like I'm being, I'm in hell. And every time there's a reason of a party,

someone's like, should we do flapper? Oh my God. Because I could put on my shitty headband. Yeah. And some shitty plastic pearls. And go through fur in Los Angeles. And we could scream at each other. But it's not even like a housewife's thing.

Because every franchise of every show is like, and those fucking, yeah, flapper party. Yeah, flapper party. We're having a flapper theme funeral. Big little lies, if I'm not, if I'm not mistaken. It makes me so mad. The opening and the closing of that show happened in a costume party. And I think it was Roaring 20s theme.

They pushed them down the stairs. It makes me so mad. Nicole Kidman trying to act through a flapper wig or whatever. Yeah, no, I 100% agree with you. It's not imaginative. It's so played out and everyone comes dressed the same. Yeah. They're not even doing, like, exploring the 20s.

It's horrible. Everyone gets that Dorothy's plastic bag. Yep, yep. Where's the dust bowl? divas. Girl. Where's the clara bow? Yeah.

Glu down your eyebrows and give me a stint. Yeah. Give me the real shit. Do the crazy, like, do the nasty little clairebo lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the real shit. Do like the detox black and white,

full body paint and then we're like. And then give me the accent. Yeah, yeah. I don't give it. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, we were going to a flapper party.

Exactly. Exactly. Like, like singing in the rain. you know the other part of my lighting around he just said this is what he just did

uh huh he said sure he's like you're really funny and you should keep talking about it um cool fun that was the worst

he hates you he hates you he hates you he hates you he's like whatever move on yeah he's like he's like

he's like you're killing it girl everyone's laughing you're like girl girl I can't I love when people do this

Descend into the very broad jerkoff motion. Very broad. Honestly, like, for me, it's like Mark Twain, George Carlin, and at the very top, like, love. Love. Yeah, yeah. Love. Wait, I got, I got, so I'm going to raise, so I see your flapper thing and I'm going to raise you something. I, I need, I, I, I, I watched, I started watching the women, 1939 with Wizard of Oz, incredible movie.

I'm not, that's not that, it's a different movie, but I'm taking it all the way back to the 30s. These most, the most, Hollywood was, was yanking, yanking it off, yanking it off. Yeah. Cut to fucking 300 years later, all the technology in world can make anything happen. And we're still doing needles in the neck. You don't like that. I fucking hate it so much. I hate these action movies that are based in reality.

And they're doing a needle in neck. Right. Nobody's doing that. It's not. It would be fast acting. No. So like everything else about the. Most other things about the screenplay writing are they're very based in a human earth reality.

Sure. Except this. Okay. They love to do this. So whenever you're trying to sedate someone, if you're writing a screenplay, just fucking skip, just stick to chloroform. Just do that. That's a really good point. Also, prop wise, grab a rag.

That's all you need. A rag. Yeah, but I think the kind of base needle fear a lot of us have, it's a spike in entertainment to be like, ooh, in the neck. Yeah, but they're not, they're not doing that. They're not doing the close-up substance-style shots of, when they're doing that,

usually it's a close-up of a needle going at a very, at an angle into the vein somehow, and it's not happening quickly. It's happening quite slowly. Sure. Like the Pulp Fiction's heroin thing, just stop it. You don't take a giant cannula with a fucking 13 inch syringe tip and then plunge it perpendicularly into the neck because that's going to come out the other side of the neck or it's going to inject green goo into their esophagus or their trachea or their spinal cord, you fucking idiot.

You are an idiot. I didn't make it. But these people are doing it. But they're doing it. They're like, so can people fly? Right. Can people fly? Why can they just fly?

I mean, with you, why are you dressing like a flapper to go to a party where the theme is prohibition? Oh, my God. Not drinking. So stupid. Stupid. And you know, this is my lightning round two. I know that this isn't oldie but a goodie, but I just have to talk about it. Talk about it.

Because I was flying through Chicago O'Hare, an airport that lives in the 90s. Everything about it is just the 90s. Hell. Hell. So packed. That airport at any time of day is chaos. And it's so far. Now where to sit.

So far. So much walking. So far. two miles of walking to get to anywhere. It's like Heathrow. Why? If you're in, if you're in group nine. Oh, God, here we go.

If you're in group T, L, K, T, and K live. Here we go. Why are you up here when it's time for me to board? Why do I? Why do I have to? Because they're terrified. Like water boy. Run in football gear through you.

Because the only thing that they could, the only thing, the only, all that they're anxieties and fears and in horrible feelings about life get reduced to this one specific paranoia. What if I have to check my carry on? What is the paranoia surrounding that? That's the only reason everybody does that, by the way, because the seats don't change. It's the, it's the overhead space. So people are obsessed. They're like, well, I don't want to check a bag. Why? Because they don't want their luggage lost. How many times have I flown? Ask me. I so many times. So, and I don't like, and I've never, I've lost a bag once. And I wasn't lost, it was delayed.

It was delayed. That's what I'm saying. Once. I'm out of like, million, million, million, million miler. Over a million. I, maybe lost a bag once. Yeah. Truly.

It's not going to happen. So, oh my God. Oh my God. But then, but you know what they're going to have to do? This is really tough. I don't think you understand it. Oh. When they go to O'Hare, they got to go to baggage claim.

Or blue tag it or whatever they call it. Yeah, and they get to a baggage claim. But, but, but. So that's it. But we all have to live in reality. Well, no, no,

if it's not time for you to board, why are you literally playing goalie? Yeah. Like trying to not let me pass. Yeah, yeah. Like, no, I know. Well, because that's so that,

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. This is the only reason they would do that. Like, so this is the only reason you'd want to get on the airplane first, literally the only reason, because everybody knows as soon as you get on the airplane,

it sucks. You're stuck. You're stuck. It sucks. And the time until you take off is the worst part. It sucks. That's why if we're, you know, if you ever have, when you do have the,

the great pleasure and privilege of flying in a, in a better seat, in a more spacious seat, uh, you wait to the very last fucking second to get on the airplane. Right. You wait to the, I don't, I don't want a fucking margarita at fucking 6 a.m. I think they should board back to front.

I think that they should do, why are we walking by people? Window, middle aisle. Window. Window. Back to front. Board all the windows right now, back to front. You know what I've been really into later.

But, but, Do you think that people will able... Do you really think that people would be able to comprehend that? No. Of course not. Not for one fucking second. Like, sir, you're in the front aisle. But I want to go now. Right.

What am I supposed to believe woke Pete Buttigieg when it comes to transportation? He's gay. He doesn't even know how to drive. Woke. Thank you. The woke left has destroyed everything. Flapper parties. Needles in the neck.

I'm going to destroy Flapper parties. In category zones. on airplane flights. A flapper party is going to quickly become a murder mystery party if I'm involved. You know what? Then we do. Boarding zone five is a flapper party. And boarding zone six?

Needles. If you want to line up at the front of the gate, you have to be dressed as a flapper. Stratz. In a T-strap character shoe. If the airplane loses your luggage, you get to put a needle in their neck. 100%. And then if they have to check your bag, you do a tap dance, a thoroughly modern millie tap dance. Yes, of course.

Oh, my goal. I didn't know I had to wait so long to get on the airplane. It's like lowest from family guy. That's how they all talk back. Peter. Yeah, they really do. I got another thing. Here's another thing.

So I watched this movie, They Will Kill You. It's one of the worst moves they've ever seen. What's it about? So derivative. It's so derivative. Imagine. Imagine, so Patricia Arquette's in it doing some crazy Irish accent.

Heather Graham is in it, Tom Felton. I watched it. Oh, you did? I didn't know the name of it. But I watched it. Yeah. I mean, was it not the most derivative movie ever? It's like, oh,

this reminds you of what, duh. I love hide and seek. The blood. Oh yeah, the blood's great. They kill Bill blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was Kill Bill. It was.

Ready or not. It was Kid Bill and ready or not. Did you watch Ridder not too? I did. And that's where the genesis of my fucking rant came from. Oh, okay. So they're in the chair. So Catherine Newton and Samara weaving.

Us. I'm Samara. You're Catherine. I'm Catherine. So, oh God, they're just lovely. Amazing. Samara Weeeming is just... She's so great.

She's so beautiful. Also, like, loved this continuing story. Yeah. Loved all these new characters. Picked it up right where it came. Picked it up Elijah Wood. Amazing.

So good. Sarah Michelle Geller. Sarah Michelle Geller. The only thing is, spoiler, spoiler. I did not like the way that she... Yeah. Okay, so... It was very disturbing.

Disturbing, but I was like, she deserves better than that. But it helped me hate the bad guy. Yes, totally. But so anyways, we get to the... So they are bound and gagged and tied to... chairs.

Right. Tied to chairs. And they're getting, the rules of the game are getting explained, but they have to be sedated in order to be placed in the maze or the mansion so that the game can begin. What happens? People coming in the frame with giant green needles and they go plop and then they go, I know this is a movie about satanic demons that don't exist. But do you think that we as a viewer need to see like a nurse roll in like IV, prep and

IV and be like, how's your Sunday? And like, that's what you want? No, no, no. Okay. No. Why does everything else? Why are they walking on the floor? Why can't they crawl on the walls? Oh, you think it makes all reality. Yes. It's, it just tears the show. There's magic. Yes. No, no, there's not. But there's satanic, but the humans have no magic. The ghost of Mr. DeMas or whatever? But that's one ghost and everybody else is human. That's, there's a very clear. They're exploding bitch. But they're not doing any magic. That's very important in this, in this, in this, in this, in this world building.

They are, they are, it's like a devil cult. It's like a satanic cult. They are benefactors of a

supernatural power that they don't understand very well. Sure. But it's true. No, you're right. Okay.

So they are thoroughly human and they are, they are like, what would happen if a supernatural power granted power, any, like a, the most destructive power

to these human beings, they would be easily corruptible and that's exactly what happens. But so there, so two orderlies come, shiblam, chloroform on the mouth

because when you inhale and inhale it, your bloodstream, absorbs from the lungs in a matter of seconds. It's like smoking something. You just go, nobody's doing a needle on the neck. You might as well have an Acme Anvil come down

and knock them out and have Tweety Bird. Like, do-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-do-do-do-do. I hate it so much. I think it's the stupidest, laziest, shittiest, immature, unelegant, and unsophisticated screenwriting. And it's so easily fixable. That's the problem. It's so easily fixable.

Or just hit someone on the head. No, no. Chlor form. Well, so that doesn't happen either though. So that doesn't happen either. You don't the people get knocked out? Okay. So they do get knocked out, but they don't get completely unconscious and then you can drag

them wherever you want and they stay knocked out. Yeah, they do. Also, nobody gets punched in the face and then gets knocked out. Yeah, they do. But you're right, they don't like stay asleep. No. And they're, like, if you're in a boxing match, maybe, and that's a boxer. Oh my God, this is on my list.

I don't know why TikTok thinks I need to be watching Power Slap that sport. Do you know about this sport? No. Okay, bitch. It's like there's a drum table. We're both standing. We're both standing at like a standing drum table. What's a drum table?

Like a cocktail table. Okay. Almost like if you were going to do arm wrestling. Okay, gotcha, got you. And they stand one person puts their hands down and the other one winds up, does like a few false starts. and the camera's fixed on them, winds up, slaps them across the face so hard that tears, blood,

they often get knocked out cold. And the sport is them slapping each other until one of them passes out. And Mike, Mike, I'm just going to show you for context so we can keep watching, keep talking about it because I know you guys, I just, huge funeral. What if I was like, let me just, what if I was like, let me just, wait. Wine tasting, but you have to. Oh, it was, the TikTok is average hungover.

activities. Huge funeral. That's very true. Huge funeral. Huge funeral. She's on Dracula. Huge funeral is on Dracula. Huge funeral. Look, this is real. And look, she's like, love it.

And they just, look it. Girl, they be face slapping. And it's not just, it's women and men. I mean, they fuck each other up, girl. Girl. I mean, they fuck each other. up. So, okay, so that one, that one, that's a sport. So that they, that's the World Cup. So, that's the diva cup. So that last lap was so thick and juicy. Um, and that was great. So my question is, because

I, my, TikTok is like, I guess, hey, let's be honest. I got high and watched like 40 of them. So now TikTok is like, so this is your favorite sport. Yeah. We will be serving this to you nonstop. I, I, I, I, okay. So imagine this though. You know, So you have a hero in a movie or you have the main character. You know, they have a thing called plot armor, right? So it's like, so another, and again, in this Ready or Not Two, there's a whole, I love this movie. I loved it, loved it.

I loved it too. But when the little boy who somehow found two giant automatic pistols that shoot like Uzi's, and she is 10 feet away in the same room, and he shoots like this, like, get ahead of the target, you fucking idiot. get ahead of the target. Okay. No, but I mean, but I'm just saying like, I know that's,

we're so used to this bullshit in action movies. We're so used to it. Yeah. But if you're really trying to kill somebody in the same room, and you have two automatic rifles. It's over.

It's done. Yeah. They are not surviving. You're, you, and they have no weapons. So my, my, I know this is so crazy for me. It's like, just don't write that.

Right. Don't. Well, you and I could be, fucking write that. You and I will. do a ready or not movie where people are trying to kill it'll be kind of porn though. Ready or nut?

Ready or nut? Ready or not? And I'm kind of, I'm kind of Sarah Michelle Geller too. I play multiple roles. Oh my God, speaking of it, I've been... Catherine Nutton? I'm almost finished...

I almost... I almost... I'm almost finishing Buffy the Vampire Slayer watching with Mr. Wonderful. He's never seen it. Is SMG riveting in that? Can I tell you what she does every day on show. She shows up. She clocks in. She hits a sleigh button. She puts her her

sapping wet pussy on the counter and says, weigh it. I want to know how many kilos it is because it's heavy. Because it's so incredible. She's so amazing. Put it on the counter, bring it to the deli and put it in that scale and say, oh, wow, nine pounds, six ounces. I don't think I could afford this. Wow. Yeah. Well, Geez, could I have a half? Do you have a group on? Because the level of pussy that is delivered is so dense. You know what it gives?

Her pussy is like those TikToks where the girls open their sourdough and it's too dense. And they're like, oh, that's how dense her pussy is. And I mean that in the most like loving mother way. Loving mother dense pussy. The acting, the hair. She's just incredible. She's incredible in this show. Yeah, except those baby bangs.

And I'm watching it. And every time I watch it, now that I've worked in television, I work. I guess I kind of work. I just audition for something. Radio Not Three? If they ever ask you to put a needle on somebody's neck, say, don't do it. I'm telling you, you have a moral obligation.

You have a moral obligation to your sister. I probably won't get it. In my experience, when I do get a TV show, it gets shut down. I swear to God, this happened so many times. So they're like, we literally did the first episode. They can't take you. Well, it's supposed to be PG. The advertisers aren't going to be happy

that you showed up with your sourdough pussy. And your nipples were jutting through your gown. Right. So anyway, just watching it, I'm like, wow. Buffy was 42 minutes. It's like an hour of TV. Producing that on a weekly basis. Almost all night shoots,

Vampire Slayers. Oh, God. Monster makeup, martial arts. She does, she's a brown belt taekwondo and then she has a stunt double, obviously, but has to learn all the lines, the fight choreography. There's crying.

And I'm watching the performance being like, damn, Buffy's really funny. Anne has to cry her eyes out in the same episode. And then her mom dies. And then there's a cold open that's hilarious. An actress who can actually do all of that. I'm just like, wow, she eats. I think she's great. And she was great and rid or not. I loved her in the golf cart with that big gun.

She was fabulous. Fabulous. I watched that movie on a plane and I do this thing with, if I'm on a plane with a friend and we're watching a movie, we're watching it together. And I like to queue up the movie and I take your screen and my screen and I go, one, two, three. So that we're watching at the same time. Because what I can't do is be watching the same movie a minute ahead or behind you.

Ben, I'm like, I can't stop. It's a great idea. And do it to the person next to you to pick their movie, even if you don't know them. You're watching ready or not. Bob. Bob. We're watching ready. I listen, I have more to talk to you about, but I just have to save for another day because

so much has been happening to me. So much has been going on. Can I leave with one good story? One short one. Okay. Get into this. Nicole Beyer, Fourth of July party. and I had to DJ that event that I told you by our where I was screaming,

where is Mitch McConnell? Right. So in the middle of my song, turning off the music, where is he? On the 4th of July. Although you don't happen at the end of my set, fighter jets flew over, some kind of like air show thing. And I turned the music off and went,

that's my ride. It was really cunty, really cunty. Then you disappeared. And then I thought, you know, my dream is for us a fucking ladder to drop down. And I want to die. I want to fall. And you're like, No, you hang off my hammeroid.

Oh, well, that, I will like, A cliffhanger for the next one, no more hanging from one arm. I don't care what universe we're talking about. Whether it's a Marvel cinematic universe or the regular Olivia Wild universe or whatever the fuck, nobody's hanging from one arm. What about catching someone? Oh, baby, that's the ultimate.

I'd rather have a needle in all necks. That's, what we're not doing is, we're not, okay, so somebody just needleed me in the neck, then I'm going to, I'm going to slide off a slimy cliff, but don't worry, I'm going to grab a branch as I fall, grab a branch and don't worry the person who slid off after me, I'm going to hold them with the other hand. I like when they grab each other and it's a wrist grab.

Yes. Okay, sure. An at a trapey with a net and a circus. This is, nobody can do this. Not one person. Look to your left, look to your right. Nobody can do this. I don't care if they're Alexi Nehaw-Sexy from the 96th.

Gabby Douglas could do it. No, she couldn't. Yeah, she could. Small Biles could do it. The female gymnast could do it. The funny thing is that the female gymnast can't do it. Not even the male gymnast that the high bar can do that. Nobody can.

You might as well give them powers to turn everybody. into like tulips and daffodils. Okay. Okay, that's all I got to say about that. So go ahead. Nicole Byer and I, Nicole Byer and I, such good friends, love her. And the other day we had a nice long phone conversation.

I was like, you know what I really missed Nicole? And, you know, I had that pool party where she came and said, damn, bitch, two to four, jump in the water, get wet, and go home, huh? Because I ask people to leave my house at a reasonable time. I love that, though. I don't care. No, I think it's great. Boundaries.

So I showed up. Her party was, and I had to DJ at 5. So I was like, either I go and drag right before I go to my party. Which is psycho. To show up to someone's party and drag. Drop off a host gift and leave. Same. No pictures.

I'm doing the rounds. Yeah, crazy. I got to do the rounds. Happy four. Show up in your nurse's outfit. I show up in my megaphone. Where's Mitch McConnell? So I'm just here for the search party.

Yeah. Are you guys doing nipple piercing? They have like some kind of piercing pagoda. Some kind of party activity. You show up in drag, get your nipples pierce and leave. No, I show up and drag and I bring a card table and I do face painting for people. And I charge. So.

You charged so much money. Nicole, it's another one. It's going to be another $350. It's the shittiest job. Yeah. Shittiest record. Nicole, would you say I nailed it? She hates it.

So I show up and I go, rather than going in drag at like $4.30, that's rude. I'm going to show up. And I gave her a heads up, said, just to, you know, I have a party. So I have to come right when your party starts. And she said, okay, I walk in at one. No one is there. You're in drag. She hasn't even done her hair yet.

She's still doing her hair and makeup. No, I'm not in drag. I show up there with Brandon. Oh. But Nicole is such a good fucking host that she has hired food people, bartenders, a grillmaster expert. I don't know what the word is if you're a griller. A griller? Grill master.

Okay. Yeah. Veggie hot dogs. Veggie burgers with, and everything on the table, the food has been untouched. So I'm just. So you're the first at the buffet? I'm the only spot to be at the buffet. I'm touching everything.

Everything's sneezed on. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And they bring. me and the food is so good. A veggie burger and veggie hot dog off the grill. It's incredible. It's the only way to eat my life. It's the only way to eat it. Change my life. So then it's at one and then at 1.25 I leave. You really knew what, you really knew what time it was. I really knew what to do. And I left. And I brought a bottle of tequila for as a host gift. And I'm also like indignantly mad when I'm places and other people don't bring host gifts. I'm sorry.

You know, you know, I agree. No, I agree. But what is an inappropriate gift and what's a great gift? Give me a couple of options. Three options. Wine. Bottle of tequila. If it's summer, bottle of tequila. Yep. It's beer. Beer.

A dessert. Yeah. A small plant. Ooh, I'm going to ding you on that one. Okay. Ding you on that one. I don't want a plant. I'm not coming over to your house.

We can't eat the plant. Okay. When the beer runs out, we're going to eat the plant? I kind of forgot where the story goes. So you went to the DJ gig. Yeah. But I guess the whole story is that I was there for 25 minutes. I think that's amazing.

I'm sorry. That's it. Wait, wait, last thing. If I remember what the rest story finished was, can I put it in a voice note? Okay. Okay. I know this is boring.

You just got to let me say it. Can you please let me say it? I just need you screenwriters to stop flopping so hard. You're flopping so fucking hard in Hollywood. And I don't know, like, oh my God, do you see the new horror movie? It's directed by a 12-year-old. Great.

Okay. Girl, we... Like, I don't, like, there's so much hysteria about a mediocre movie that gets made that's not a part of the Marvel universe. So people go nuts for it. I love it. That's great. But you have to stop flopping. All you're fucking using AI.

I know you are. I can smell it on your clothes. You get home at night. You get in the bed with me and I say, where you've been? I know you've been rolling around with AI in the writer's room. You need to stop it. You are fucking flopping. And it's a disrespect to Florence Pew and Timothy Shalameh and Charlie's Theron and Merrill Streep.

And all these people who are so talented, you don't, you don't deserve them. And you should never be able to write for them, you whores. Okay. Goodbye. You know,