The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Welcome to the Golden Fountain of Vitality with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

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Yeah, you had the distinct pleasure of. Whenever I get booked to do something alone, I assume it's because you said no. And I appreciate that. Because I think they wanted us both at first, and then you said no. And I said, well, let me tell you. Did you love? Bookie and that person is throwing a fucking penny Into a wishing well anyway Because it might end up just being me

So I get there and I punch up my little jokes And I think you know all these little war jokes we go to No matter how funny someone is No matter how well lit they are No one's really listening No one's really laughing I guess that's true Wait for real? A lot of times how well lit they are. No one's really listening. No one's really laughing. I guess that's true.

Wait, for real? A lot of times. So I always feel like with hosting, I'm just going to have fun because half these people are just waiting to hear their name call or not be called. They're chewing on hors d'oeuvres. Yes. So it's the Ambie Awards.

They go, it's Trixie Mattel. And I come out, I walked out to the Bald and the Beautiful music and everyone was like, I know this. Nobody. Not only did they not know me, I sure didn't know any of their podcasts because it was not, it was not comedy podcasts. The people who won, it was like true crime.

Oh, the historical stuff. Yeah. So it was a lot of people winning. We didn't even know. And I start by swinging big. I go, welcome to the 2024 Amby's. And I go, no, it's not the bambis but i am giving mother and if anyone wants to shoot me talk to me after the show just start out strong just start swinging

honey so that was that was my punch down from speaking of bambi if anyone wants to shoot my mother which is what i was going to start with. But I thought even Val doesn't deserve that. Damn. That's a big, you really swung for the rafters? Well, I was in one of your gowns. So I knew the night was cursed to begin with. You looked so beautiful, by the way. Oh, thank you. That's a beautiful dress.

You looked so good in that dress. That was cunty. It is. That dress, for some reason, it's in our book. It's very heavy. It's on a season seven finale reunion. Season seven premiere. Heavy, right? Yes.

I wore it on Netflix once. I worked for this. Oh, that's right. It is heavy. Well, I'll tell you something. I don't believe in, I'm not from the Charlize Theron and the devil's advocate school of,

I think you should wear it once and throw it away. No. Get the mileage. Get the mileage, baby. It's a great dress. It has that cute little train. It also has a headband, which I don't normally wear it once and throw it away. No. Get the mileage. Get the mileage, baby. It's a great dress. It has that cute little train. It also has a headband, which I don't normally wear, but. What about them go days?

Those swingies on the side. Yes. The triangles of fabric that make, when you walk, it swings. Front seam down the front. Strong choice. Bold move cotton. It was tough. Tough with that.

Well, that was a tough, because the pattern, I don't know why my friend Ray did. It was because the, yeah, that was a little, but hey. You can't really talk to this mermaid sequin. Yeah. But because the sequin goes, it's reversible sequin and then it's disrupted at the. Yeah. Yeah. But listen.

It's fine. And then my second joke was, you know, there's a stereotype in LA that everybody has a podcast, but tonight proves that's not true. It's only the poorly dressed. And then I won them back. Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, that's funny.

And then I said, no, no, no. You guys look great. You're wildly successful in a medium where no one ever sees you. Very funny. Because ugly. Because podcasters are ugly. It's built for radio. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was fun and easy. And you know what I loved about it? It moved quick. Oh, really? The whole thing was open. I went to the soundcheck, got in drag, immediately went to a carpet, immediately went to stage and hosted, and left right after.

So how long are we talking all together? Six hours, maybe. Okay. Two hours of that getting in drag? Well, that's good. I think the Oscars clock in around eight and a half hours. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's not good. We're not here to hold people hostage. Okay. Two hours of that getting dragged? Well, that's good. I think the Oscars clock in around eight and a half hours. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's not good. We're not here to hold people hostage.

Then I had to announce a podcast for kids. Was Demi Moore there? No. But you know who was? I was. Were you the most famous person there? I don't know. Because I didn't know who any of them were and they didn't know who I was.

And it was a nice victimless crime. It was a victimless crime. It was at the JW Marriott. Oh, which is like the Kempton, but not the Kempton suites. Yeah. Oh God.

There's the four seasons. And then there's the three seasons. You know, I was on a three season porch, you know, it was, it was, you know,

it wasn't a, it wasn't a super. It was, it was at the, um, the Beck a super eight. It wasn't the Beck's Motor Lodge. Completely. Oh my God. By the way, I warned my team from Sala Pink Disco. I said, listen, they've been putting us in the five-star hotels because I travel with Katya. But on my tours, we all need to buckle up because we're heading back over to Sears to sleep in the bed section.

It's bunk beds at the rent a center. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was like, these, these nice hotels that you have us in.

I'm like, I love the, I mean, I love the four seasons, but I don't, the gym is nice, but these apartment size rooms, I'm like,

well, yeah, I don't care for the, um, I mean, this is so like unrelatable. I don't like the apartment style. It looks like a condo. Oh yeah. I don't like that. Cause it's like, I don't care for the, I mean, this is so like unrelatable. I don't like the apartment style. It looks like a condo.

Oh, yeah. I don't like that because it's like, I don't want to cook in a hotel. You know, I think that'd be good for, let's say you were traveling with a child. Yes. And you were there for like a week or something and you wanted to. Yeah. You know. You're traveling with a kid that you had stolen.

Yeah. And you had him concealed in a small duffel and he screamed a lot. Oh my God. I just watched. So I just watched Bram Stoker's Dracula. And, uh, last night I forgot that they ate, uh, he feeds a baby to the brides. That movie is dramatic. Keanu.

Keanu. And he's like, uh, uh, he is, I was, I remember thinking, no, he really does that. He's like, uh, the movie is very overwrought. Very overwrought. I would say that that's Bill and Ted's adventure. Absolutely. I mean, Gary Oldman. Yeah.

It's just, oh, God. He's the, yeah. I mean, you're giving a little bit of that with the bouffant. It's bold to make Dracula not at all like sexy and masculine. Well, I mean, there's so many iterations of Dracula in that. You've got the old, old, old lady bunny bouffant with the cape that goes on forever. And then you've got like the one that he's like the Victorian prince one is supposed to be like desirable. However, I in no way find him attractive at all.

I'm more keen on like a Leslie Nielsen, Dracula Dead and Loving It. Oh my God. That's a little more of the vibe. I love him so much. Dave and I watched Spy Hard the other day. You know, I've never seen that. I can't believe it. Well, David showed me Vertigo.

Yes. Right? Yeah. And I'm like, well, how do we follow Vertigo? Leslie Nielsen. Well, David showed me Vertigo. Yes. Right? Yeah. And I'm like, well, how do we follow Vertigo? Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Nielsen and Spy Heart. Okay. It opens with like literally Weird Al singing and stuff.

Is it a James Bond parody? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Die Hard? Yeah. I loved it when I was a kid. And so I put it on. I was like, you're going to love this.

I was like, Leslie is the best. It was horrible. It's not as strong as I remember and I started to get more embarrassed and eventually I turned and just said we can turn on something else I that has happened to me so many fucking times and like especially when it's in um a setting of a group of more than three the shame the burning hot shame. Because not only is it- Because you over-promise. You over-promise. And sometimes it takes a lot of energy

and creativity and gumption to get everybody on board to watch something if the vibe is something else. You know what I mean? Right. And then it's like, and you can see people's attention waver and the phones come out and you're like, oh wow, this flopped so hard and I'm a flop and I hate myself. Especially if it's an old movie because trying to get people to watch a new movie, people are like, oh, wow, this flopped so hard and I'm a flop and I hate myself.

Especially if it's an old movie because trying to get people to watch a new movie, people are like, oh, it's new. And you know, there's something about watching a new movie. Then you have something to talk about too. Yeah. Yeah. But trying to get somebody to time travel with you. Yeah. But there are some movies that like, I love watching Scream with a Gen Z person for the first time.

Why? Because many of them have not seen the original Scream. Okay. And it blows their minds. Blows their minds. And it delivers every time. Okay. Yeah.

At Thanksgiving, I mean, were you at Thanksgiving when you watched Cola Scolas, our home out west? No, but I watched it on my own. Okay. But Andrew got the whole, like he insisted on watching. It was 30 minutes. That was the big, that was the big like thing. But there was like 20 people there. I was like, this is going to be a disaster. Every eyeball in that, in that room was glued to the television for 30 full minutes. And then, and then I think we all did a standing ovation. It was like the rare moment. And I was like,

I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay, fine. We turn it on. It was incredible. Now is standing ovation a name for kind of like a street drug? okay, fine, we'll turn it on. It was incredible. Now, is standing ovation a name for kind of like a street drug? Yes. We all did a standing ovation. It's like a little bit, it's like somewhere between K and G.

I did an eight ball of standing ovation. Not bad. I want to go to see his show so badly in New York. Oh, Mary Lincoln Todd. Yes. By the way, the nerve of him to get on these posters, put on a wig, and I know it's a joke, but he still looks pretty good pretty good he does he looks he looks unclockable yeah he looks he puts a demi

lash and a bit of chapstick on and that you're wondering is like is that uma thurman it's like it's crazy it's uma thermos you know leslie nelson i thought he has a very celebrated career i want to look up what he looked like when he was younger Do you know what he looked like? Hot Oh my god Sucked Sucked

And rimmed and then again Sucked Girl Wow Jesus Christ and what if that's not a wig either that's not a unit units hadn't been invented yet no yeah that was pre-unit and this is an era where you could be a movie star and be a man and be disgusting and still be with a hot woman david's got me watching these fucking these fucking um hitchcock movies the women yeah to be hydrant to be here the skin the lashes the acting all of it it's incredible

my god i mean it's so i i would i know we've talked to before but the jimmy stewart talks like dish you've seen the uh old arsenic and old lace oh my god arsenic and old face yeah um what's the name jimmy stewart and um katherine hepburn and carrie fucking grant yeah acrobat i never know who these people are and so david of course knows who all of them are okay so i go oh i like him who's that david will go um carrie grant yeah and i'm like sid sharice you fucking bitch yeah yeah totally but they're all they got bloody feet Charisse, you fucking bitch. Yeah, totally.

But they're all, they got bloody feet. Bloody feet. What does that mean? Like from the dancing and singing. Oh. Like you think drag is hard? And they're smiling and they're like, in between takes, they're taking off their shoes,

blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. Singing in the rain? The rain of blood. Well, you know that singing in the rain, the rain was famously milk. milk because the water didn't show up on camera they had to tint it with dairy isn't that crazy that is so disgusting huge boon for the farms in wisconsin though yes um uh not great for the smell could you imagine imagine? Uh-huh. I can. For some of us though,

might be an improvement. Yeah. For some of our tour costumes, a dunk in the milk would be welcome. The water of life. But there, there's a scene in the naked gun where I think Leslie Nielsen is about to, he has a, gets back home and like his fridge full of expired items,

like bad Chinese food in the, he takes a whiff of the milk to see if it's still good and he pours it out and it's chunky. Big huge chunks of milk. That just gave me like a chill. Do you know what's been occurring? You know how I told you that I had to go gluten and dairy free? Yeah. That sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Well the rheumatologist told me that I have What? AIDS? No. Inflammatory arthritis. Yeah. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. Well, the rheumatologist told me that I have... What? AIDS? No, inflammatory arthritis. Okay. And she said it like this. And I think she knew that I was not going to be amenable. She goes,

could you give up dairy and gluten for two weeks and see how you feel? It was like she was asking me to... That's okay. I mean, that's not easy by any means. As a woman from Wisconsin. Oh, I see what you mean. For me to not have access to a block of sharp cheddar cheese on a daily basis,

what are we trying to move our joints for? What's the point of getting out of bed? What's the point of living? I always forget that cheese is for many, many people a huge... That's right. You don't get it. I don't get it. And if I had to give up pizza, I would be fine. I don't like cheese very much. But cheese is on pizza, honey. No,

no, no. I'm saying that like the only, the only cheese that I enjoy is the cheese that is on cooked pizza. Okay. That's it. But like, if I had to, if I had to, you know, they said, a doctor said, well, you're going to have to give up cheese. Now, if they said dairy, I'd be like, well, do you have a gun? Why don't you put that gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, bitch? I know. Because black coffee with no cream in it. You can have almond milk.

No. You can have almond milk. No, that makes it from. Is it brown sugar? No, that goes, it goes from black to very, very, very, very, very dark brown. That's not good enough. You want the fat content? I mean, I basically want a latte with tons of sugar.

Well, yeah, and the milk fat content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they use whole milk for those, don't they? I order Breve. What's Breve? Half and half. Half milk, half creamer. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah. Like half, yeah. Like, yeah, yeah. Like half, yeah. Like light cream. Jeez. But what kind of cheese do you, are you like? Honey. Honey cheese? No, no, no.

Honey cheese. That's tear a dick off and honey cheese. It's their show. Oh, I hate that. Tear a dick off. But I hate dick cheese. Like Richard cheese. You know, Richard cheese.

My neck, my back. I didn't realize until like three minutes ago that that was a dick cheese I have a I hate when people

joke about uncircumcised people's dicks to me it is so it's jail time you can joke about the Titanic anything around me

and I'm fine with it but if you joke about like you're going straight to the penitentiary being gross and a tent tree, get out of the home. Yeah. Exit the trailer park. Turn left. Things heat up? You don't just want a cold one. You want the coldest one. The cold-loggered, cold-filtered, cold-certified one.

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ready for you. They said, cut out gluten and dairy and I said, whatever, it's not gonna fucking do anything anyway, bitch. I like was doing it

to prove her wrong. Okay. So what's the, it dramatically helped. You're fucking kidding me. No. I just started my medicine. They have me on an injectable that I take once a week for arthritis.

Yeah. The AIDS cocktail. I don't think so, but- Wait, it's in the way. Honey, I have to tell you what happened. So by the time I got back to the doctor for my results, I was walking again and I was on the Peloton every day. I have not been able to exercise in months.

So the no dairy, no gluten did fucking help, which means I have to stay off it. It's like, let me tell you kids, one day you have your last piece of cheese and don't even know it. And you can't even, you reminisce because it's over. I've got the baby bell dairy-less cheese, rubber, rubber, rubber, Tina, rubber, rubber. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't like vegan food. Rubber Tina. Rubber, rubber. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't like vegan food. I'm trying.

I got a bunch. I went on the internet and I bought variety packs, boxes of variety packs of vegan snacks. Cause I said, I'm going to have to figure out what I like. Yeah. I'm gonna have to find some convincing fake Cheetos. Yeah. Some convincing like. Well, vegetables. We could do vegetables.

Vegetables are really good. Cause they can just be seasoned. Yeah. You know, plant, plant vegetables. Vegetables are really good because they can just be seasoned. Yeah. You know, plant vegetables. That's going to get old. Oh, of course it is. But say you do your rice. Oh, is that? Can you have rice?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Rice, vegetable, and a wonderful seasoning. We also live in LA. We're like, I went to Rayos Hollywood two nights ago with David. They had gluten-free pasta. Oh, yeah.

They've got it. I mean, here, especially here, like if you go, I mean, go to Europe, good luck. You know, some of those places we go on tour, they're just like nothing. The doctor told me the storyline is you can have feta and Parmesan still. Like dry, sharper, brittle cheeses like that. But you can't have like cheddar and like. Okay. I don't know why that is.

That's a good compromise though. Yeah. And you can get gluten-free bread. Yes. You can get gluten-free items. Yeah. But a lot of my favorite things, I'm like, that is done now. What is the gluten?

I don't know anything. I can Google it when I'm home. Dairy and gluten can agitate people's joints that are autoimmune, like inflaming. Agita. But let me tell you, I go to the doctor and she goes, well, we're going to start you on this. I forget what it's called. I think it's called Embrel, if anybody has arthritis. And she goes, it's injectable.

It's once a week. And I said, oh, so I come in here once a week. She said, no, you're going to do it yourself. And I said, come again, bitch. Come again, honey. Self-mutilation at home. Pulp fiction. Yeah, and

David was in the doctor's room with me. What do they call it? Office? Office. Waited 40 minutes before anyone saw me. Waited 40 minutes. Were you naked with the Johnny on? But around the opposite way. I refused to put it on. It opened in the front. It was like a cape. That would be cute.

And then I have one of those dinner napkin things around my waist. Those cinchers. A dinner napkin cincher. Yes. And then she goes, it's a pen, a disposable pen you keep in the fridge. You stab in the leg and you hold.

And I don't like it. No. And David's in the leg and you hold okay and i don't like it no and david's in the room with me and i don't think david's ever seen me get an injection probably you haven't no one here no it doesn't sit right with me best case scenario when they poke my arm yeah i gotta look away i gotta close my eyes and i go oh okay it's not good shit Shit. Not good. Not good. How long is the needle? Felt like 12 inches. Yeah.

Okay. And they said you can either do the leg or the belly skin. That's right. Yeah. Do you skin seems worse? No, no, no, no.

I would say do the belly skin. Yeah. Cause you just, you pinch a little bit of the fat on the, the, the, the flub on the, like the side here.

And then you, you stick it in. You won't even feel it. You won't even feel it. The the fat on the, the, the, the flub on the, like the side here. And then you, you stick it in. You won't even feel it. You won't even feel it. The nurse had told me which two weeks prior when they did my blood test, she went really big fan, by the way. So I knew she could take a little,

you know, finger or two. No, I knew she could take a little ribbing. Sure. Okay. You could be yourself. She's got the needle in me and I'm like,

you bitch. You know, like I really, you you know and then she cried and it was just like you cockadoody you bitch you poop is this one two three pussy white yeah oh my god i it sucked that giving injections to yourself i haven't had to do it yet but i think david silver might have to come on as a part-time doctor's quinn medicine absolutely yeah go let him let him go have to come on as a part-time Dr. Quinn medicine. Absolutely. Yeah. Go let him, let him go get his associates as a registered nurse or something. Yeah,

absolutely. Make him do it. She goes, the nurse goes, and he could probably help you. And I said, are you kidding me? He wants any fucking excuse to hurt me.

David does not think that's funny. He does it like, let's try your neck. Yeah. David's like, I think she said straight through the eyelid into the eyeball. Oh, fire in the sky. Still gives through the eyelid into the eyeball oh fire in the sky still gives me the creeps what is fire in the sky that alien movie where um the guy gets

supposedly based on a true story and it is and they they have the one of the most gruesome abduction scenes ever in the history of cinema where the the guy is put on a slab uh a sheet of super imagine like shrink wrapped to a slab. And then they take a scalpel to cut a hole in the mouth so he can breathe. And they immediately take a big fistful of brown jelly and shove it in his mouth. What? Then a needle goes into his fucking eye. What?

Yes. And it's a big, huge machine that comes down like a dentist. And it's like a telescoping needle, and he's just like this. What? It's so gruesome. It probably gave me nightmares for 15 years. Oh, yeah. It's so crazy.

What movie is it? Harry and the Hendersons? Yeah, Harry and the – no, it's Naked Gun 2 1⁄2. No, Fire in the Sky. It's so – and it's, I mean, you know, it's based on a true story, but I don't know. It's so fucking gruesome. It's, I remember, oh, I remember it.

It's like core memory. That's scary. It's like a brown jelly. It was like, like, like imagine like a Jell-O mold. That's like the color of molasses. And they take a fistful. I don't like eye stuff. Nobody does.

I, um, I went to, wait, wait, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I forgot.

They actually, there's, I forgot. There's one thing. They have a, they have one of those, um, eyeball openers.

Orange, a clockwork orange thing. Yes. And then there's, it injects a bunch of milky liquid in there first. So, and then the point of view of the, of there's a camera,

um, a shot from the point of view of, of there's a camera shot from the point of view of him and it's through this milky haze where the needle is coming straight through. Absolutely terrifying. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Janie Lee Kermis trauma. Yeah, big time generational

trauma. I don't like that. You remember when I got that eye injury? Yes, I do. From the spotlight. Yes. I got my fovea or my cornea or something. Your vulva. Burned by a spotlight and now I have some very minor blindness in this eye.

But when I went to Mass Eye and Ear because I was living in P-Town at the time. Oh, that's right. I had to go to the Massachusetts hospitals which are They're good. They're really good. It's like a hub of, I mean, I was very lucky to be able to take the ferry and go to mass eye and ear and

they were super helpful. But even for them, I'd never even had my eyes dilated. Oh wow. Even for them to put drops in my eye. Oh yeah. And like, you know,

they kind of snatch your eye open and put the, all of that bothered me. I've never had that. I've, Oh, but what do we, it's the snatches. Like we're lucky you have perfect vision.

No, it's like 2030 and 2040, but it's good enough. Yeah. Mine's good enough to not wear glasses. We're very lucky though.

Oh yeah. Some people, many of our friends, many people we know I've known absolutely defenseless and helpless without contacts or

spectacles. Kim, you know, Kim Chi, when she got LASIK, she was like, it changed my life. Oh, I'm sure. Cause her vision, I

think was poor enough that putting makeup on was an issue for her. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. Because then you have to wear contacts. That was Kim's makeup skills not being able to see. Damn. What's wrong with us? I mean, contacts.

I mean, I remember wearing those goofy colored ones. Did you wear those too? Oh, yeah. What color? Like blue and crazy. Like the kind I wore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like crazy ones. Oh, they were so rotten. Why do we think that was did you wear those two oh yeah what color uh like blue and crazy yeah yeah and then like crazy ones oh they were so rotten you think that was a serve i think there was just something dramatic i don't know because they do pop the i don't know it's so so boo-boo it's so boo-boo

but you know boo-boo you've been looking great and dry thank you what you've been doing different um doing my hormone injections is that what you're going to do? You're going to switch my arthritis medication for hormones? What I'm going to do? That's what I have been doing. David and I are already in discussion about that. We're posing as a doctor. Yes. So we're just going to go in.

The procedure is called FFS. I can't walk. My arthritis is back, but I've got these two jugs. Yeah. I have to wear a bra during the day now. Yeah. Fierce. Fierce. Fierierce What else is going on Miss Thing? Oh just besides Dune

Besides the full time goonery of doonery Well have you moved yet? I'm in process And it's the I'm having to be I'm having to like temper my obsession with Oh my god Mary I know you've been texting me about things you like You need to filter by price I'm having to temper my obsession with, oh my God, Mary. I know you've been texting me about things you like.

You need to filter by price. You keep falling in love with things. I can't. It's so, it's hateful. That's why I put going in the Rose Bowl. I've been obsessed with these websites that have end tables. So imagine this thing. It would cost like $18,000.

$18,000. That's OfferUp. No, that's Cherish. First Dibs. Yeah, First Dibs and Cherish are so out of pocket,000. $18,000. That's Offer Up. No, that's Cherish. First Dibs. Yeah, First Dibs and Cherish are so out of pocket, literally. I was looking for a decorative outdoor aviary because I thought, I don't even know if I want real birds. I thought about getting some zebra finches in an outdoor aviary. I thought it'd be pretty to have by the pool.

Yeah. And it's a way to have pets that doesn't upset David. It's outside. And what is that fucking out? So like an enclosure where I could have zebra finches living out there in the wild. Zebra finches. Okay, fierce. And in the winter months when it's cold, I'd have to move inside.

You just eat them. Or eat them. Yeah. I saw a lovely little aviary with benches around. So you could sit. $30,000? Jesus fucking Christ. On first dibs. I000 Jesus fucking Christ on first dibs I said

this is the first dibs yeah no but that's the 30th dib I need second dibs yeah yeah yeah it's so I think it's like people who are mega mega rich

ultra billionaire people or something the Dakota Johnsons of the world I don't know I think this is because RuPaul called me rich on Jimmy Kimmel

now they're coming for you now when I sign into an account they're like let me just adjust the prices. Yeah, it's wild. I mean, all antiquing in LA and stuff is like so crazy. It's so crazy. It's so crazy.

Have you been clocking RuPaul on her book tour? No. RuPaul is on her Sidney Prescott Out of Darkness book tour. Oh, the hidden meaning. So have we established what exactly are the hidden meanings? David listened to the whole thing. What did he say? Loved it.

Okay. He said she's very candid, interesting, et cetera. Really? I'm going to have a listen. I want to listen too because she reads it. Oh, she does. I thought Michelle Williams did it, like Britney. Oh my God.

Wicca, wicca, wicca. Who would you want to read RuPaul's book? I'd want it to be Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. I would want. No, I would say like, I don't know. The white lady from Touched by an Angel, the Irish woman. Oh, Jane Seymour.

Oh my God. That would be hysterical. Or like Dolly Parton. That would be amazing. My name's RuPaul. A little black girl. Oh my God. Fierce. I don't know. To be named RuPaul, Ruth Paul.

You know, I used to be obsessed with her and that obsession has grown over time. Yeah. Do you think that, are you still afraid of her? 100%. Yeah, if you saw her in the street, would you run? No, I probably wouldn't say hi. Really?

Yes, I'm really afraid of her. I mean, she's terrifying. She's never done anything bad to me and I live in fear of her. What mean, she's terrifying. She's never done anything bad to me. And I live in fear of her. What is that about? That's your sleep paralysis demon. You're like, oh my God. I mean, she is also, I mean, people, I mean,

you watch the show and you realize like proportionizing and stuff, but she really is seven feet tall and probably one of the most, like just visually, like she doesn't, she's not of this earth, I would say. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like she is really really fucking and i don't mean this in a bad way but weird looking unusual looking like she's very anya taylor joy or ateldo swinton she's she's yes she's in that she's her own sculpture superhuman superhuman well the height people don't realize the height no she's so tall she looks tall on tv i'm I'm telling you in person, she's an avatar.

Yeah. She's the Slenderman. She's so fucking tall. And like, and she, I think on season seven, she starts showing her legs more. Do you know what I mean? And now that the legs that are, the legs are out, it's like a whole nother, it's like a whole nother fucking fantasy. Cause those legs go all the way up.

They really do. They go all the way up. And down. Fuck. Also her, her boyfriend is taller than her. I believe. How's that?

Their baby is going to be super tall. Their babies are going to be, um, the monsters from, uh, quiet place. Oh my God. That,

Oh, that, that, that, that I can't, that's the stress factor. I don't think I can even watch that movie. I honestly don't.

Would you be good at being quiet? Like in living? You know, I'd be dead in five seconds. Oh factor. I don't think I can even watch that movie. I honestly don't. Would you be good at being quiet? Like in living? You know, I'd be dead in five seconds. Oh yeah. I'd be like, girl. Yeah.

I'd be like, what? Dead. That is, that movie. What about giving birth silently? What about the stepping on the nail? Fierce.

Like, ow, what are you nuts? Like I would, yeah, no way. I could never, never,

never. What are you nuts? What are you nuts? You know what I want to see? Speaking of Meryl Streep, Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno. Have you seen it? She does porn?

No, no. It's like a whole YouTube series of like, it's like porn from vegetables. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. Oh, it's like porn from uh like vegetables do you ever know what i'm talking about you never see that oh it's fascinating she green porno it's like um she's like it's like a nature documentary like through it's like a i don't know quite know how to just you never heard of it it's fierce it's fierce do you know how uppity i'm gonna be now now that I'm vegan? Oh, I can imagine. I was out the other day watching Alicia Silverstone TikToks.

Is she vegan? Big vegan. Oh, wow. Lifelong vegan. Big animal rights activist. Oh. So is it an ethical like- For her it is, yes. For her, okay.

Gotcha. But I'm watching her TikToks and I'm going, I'm just like her. Well, you are Cher from Clueless. Yeah. Sure. I'm Cher from Clueless. I just, I love her so much and I always have. And I love her.

I didn't know that she was, I didn't know that she was vegan. Oh yeah. That's like her thing. Okay. That's like her thing. Lifelong vegan. I'm sure it's much. Well, although I'm like, I recently found out that you can be, you can be vegan and

also big on junk food. Oh yes. But it's much better. Better. Yeah. We just did this video where i tried a bunch of vegan snacks some of them were good and they are half the caloric content with like no sugar yeah it's fierce a lot of my favorite things now like i'm pretty sure i can't eat milk chocolate now damn that's i bought non-dairy Reese's Non-dairy Reese's Is that any good?

Yeah Fuck I mean it's not Well dark Isn't dark chocolate I think dark chocolate is okay That's vegan Yeah I don't like that

It's too bitter It's too bitter It kind of makes you sick Yeah it's nasty to me I have like such a vivid memory Of my grandma being like Do it It's baker's chocolate

Yeah bite it And I remember as a kid feeling betrayed by the taste of baker's chocolate like you lied to me i have something to talk to you about tell me you're in therapy i am in therapy yeah i have a therapy appointment tomorrow no no no you're no no no not not piss therapy Let's take a break I know what you're talking about Piss therapy, no Urine angels

Can I just read it? No, it's so crazy It's too crazy I use the pee People are asking how do they They spray the pee in their hair And how do they make it not smell? I gotta read it

Oh my god, it's too much This woman says Hello my urine angels No It's Oh my God, it's too much. This woman says, hello, my urine angels. No. This is on Facebook. Of course. Of course it's on Facebook. The super highway of fake information.

Fuck. Has anyone else ever sprayed aged urine in their hair for deep conditioning, healing from harsh tap water and shower and reverse graying? It's so disgusting. It's so disgusting.

Reverse graying, pro-yellowing. Ugh. Why is Facebook like, Facebook is a... But don't show her face. No. But doesn't she just look like a piss person? Oh my God. She looks like she drinks it, bathes in it, rubs it on her skin, and it's like, you don't know.

Do they even drink water though? I imagine it's dark, dark yellow. Bodak yellow. I don't know. Oh, I don't like it. Then she says, if so, what is your trick to keeping from offending the world with the smell? I was like,

maybe. The trick is to not do it. Not do it. Yeah, maybe it's not do it. Like, what are they? Oh, man. These Facebook folk remedy people are wild.

Fierce. But it's like, it's a version of goop in a way. Like, it's just like the lowbrow version. You know what I mean? It's like pseudos's a version of goop in a way. Like it's just like the lowbrow version. You know what I mean? It's like pseudoscience proliferation on social media unchecked by any like, you know, medical personnel, whatever.

The pipeline is like, well, I can't afford Gwyneth's prehistoric jade egg up my pussy. So why don't I spray piss in my hair? Wow. That's a short, that's a short jump. Yeah. Unfortunately. It's just a lateral move. Yeah.

It's just a lateral move. She says, I actually spray it on nightly and let it soak in and dry through the night. In the morning, re-wet my hair and add great smelling natural hair product. Would love your feedback. I would not. I would love to give my feedback. What did the feedback say? What did they say?

I didn't get so far. Ugh. But I also saw one that said, I've been doing urine drops in my eyes and holding a glass of urine over my eyes for short durations throughout the day. That's like the fire in the sky thing. Yes, this is the other fire in the sky.

Fire in the eye. My eyes are getting red and discharging large amounts of pus. Oh my God. I was wondering if anyone else went through this. The top comment is, first of all, 12 likes. Love. I mean, that's viral. Yeah.

The brand isn't going to be happy. That is called detox. Keep doing it with fresh urine and the redness and discharge will stop. I love that. It's like, so when I'm stabbing myself in the stomach, there seems to be a lot of blood. It's like, that's the first step. You know, there's like, just keep doing it. And it'll eventually like, it's so crazy.

Piss in the eyes? Well, I remember on my strange addiction with a girl who used to take shot glasses of urine, hold it up to eye, go like this, and then blink. And she would rub the urine on the skin. The other thing is they love to save it in bottles and age it so they use it later. Liquid gold. Liquid gold. Liquid gold. Is that like the, is my strange addiction one where she ate furniture?

Oh yeah. I know it's not funny to laugh at people's addictions, but. Eating furniture is pretty wild. That one's wild. Yeah. They, there was a black screen and it goes, in her lifetime, Cassandra has eaten two love seats in an armchair. A whole Bob's discount furniture. It was like two love seats in an armchair a whole bob's discount furniture it was like two love seats and an ottoman damn first dibs that would cost a fortune on first dibs a fortune a tapas think about so we have like we have the um

the throw pillows for a uh a mousse bouche the the main course is like a divan or like a chaise. And then for dessert. I think a Tempur-Pedic pillow would be like, that'd be like veal. Yeah. No, that would be like, Tempur-Pedic would be like vegan. Sure.

And then like a down comforter would be like, like full red, you know. And then if you're thirsty, you drink a waterbed. You know, my parents had a waterbed. What was that about? It was a trend in the, the 90,

it must've been the late eighties, early nineties. It was a strange trend cause we weren't rich, but it was, it was a large, I think they're very, very not. You better hope your betrothed is the exact same weight as you.

Oh my God. I know because the, the, also the motion sickness that I would imagine. If your partner rolls over in the middle of the night. Whoa. Like the tsunami in Thailand. Yes.

Yeah. Crazy. So weird. Also like, do you remember in the, another, a Nightmare on Elm Street movie where the boy has a water bed and. That's cool.

Johnny Depp actually. I think. And he's like, and then the, the, the girls, the girl came up. Yep.

And that's cool. Those movies are fucking, those movies are so good yeah what's your favorite freddie movie i know yours is dream warriors right yeah i think so i think so yeah i mean i love the og i do i do probably would be the og is so good yeah i probably would be the OG if I had to pick But 3 is great also 2 is so gay It really is It's so gay There's a documentary about that called Scream Queen Starring the gentleman I think his name is Robert Englund

No his last name is Patton Oh And he talks about his experience He was like I went to see it with him and i went to a talkback with robert england oh no way and the actor who played the gay guy was like i always read this script as sexual tension between them right and robert england was like that's how i played it that's how i thought it was so the reason we like got that subtext is because they were playing that subtext oh but it

is gay it is yeah it's very like but freddy is such a flamer yeah freddy is such a flamer such a flamer you like freddy versus jason it's um i yeah i think so but it was like i wish they would do more of those like like like the way that they've merged like the Marvel universe I wish they would do that with the horror characters like they do it in video games all the time yeah why don't they do it in movies or do they I don't know I mean who do you think would win in a fight I mean well they're both kind of unkillable they're unkillable and also Freddy's like in a different world but if you get everyone to stop talking about Freddie, he dies. Oh, that's true.

Wait, really? Remember all the movies always start with like, dad, mom, who's Fred Krueger? Oh, sure. Don't ever say that name again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, what about, I, I hate Jason. I mean, not Jason.

What's his name? Michael Myers. I hate him. I mean, not Jason. What's his name? Michael Myers. I hate him. Yeah. Why? Because he's just like, he doesn't, he's just like,

I guess I hate Jason more. Jason, who would, who do you think would win if I Jason or Michael Myers? Fuck. They're very, I mean, Michael's human.

I mean, Jason's like supernatural at this point. Is he really? But isn't, isn't my, I mean, Michael is just kind Jason's like supernatural at this point. Is he really? But isn't, isn't, I mean, Michael is just kind of too though. Evil dies tonight. He's kind of like, they established him as the essence of pure evil. Yeah, that's true. I think Michael's scarier.

Yeah. But I think Jason is kind of unkillable, to be honest. Like no matter what they do to Jason, that ugly little eye pops open and he stands back up. Who do you think has the bigger dong? Jason. Yeah. Michael's is so, it's thin at the base. It has one of those mushroom heads that when it goes in and out of you, you feel it.

And it's like, it's, whoa, you know. Yeah. Jason has like a big, like a big floppy. He's a grower and a shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A big floppy like kielbasa. Yes, absolutely. A little gray and green because he's all the rot.

But not cheese. And the pubes is moss. Oh yeah, man of the woods. Very forest, yeah. I was going to say forest grump. Would you fuck Chucky? No, because that's a child. No, no, it's an adult.

Charles Lee Ray. It's an adult's a child. No, no, it's an adult. Oh, is it? Charles Lee Ray. He's an adult in a toy. Oh, I would, I would, I mean, I think the bride of Chucky is so hot. Yeah. Jennifer, was that Jennifer Tilly? Yes, it was. The sequence in bride of Chucky where she's transforming, she's dying her hair and painting her nails and it's call me by Blondie.

That's when I knew I was gay. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. Love that movie. I was, yeah. Katherine Heigl. Katherine Heigl. Famously, famous cigarette smoker and on-set diva.

On-set diva. I love, I am obsessed with hearing about stories of like, you know, demanding or difficult to deal with celebrities. I love that shit. A beef? Like an on set beef? Or no, I mean, yeah, but just like, you know, just like tall tales of like, we had to do this for her. We had to do this like when, you know,

building Mariah Carey a bed. I love that shit. Love that shit. Do you love like, don't look me in the eye shit? I am obsessed with that. Yeah, and I recently at the Netflix, I got a good earful from the crew about who has been difficult to deal with. And it was fascinating what they said.

Because I think Miss Jennifer Lopez was like that. Yeah. Fierce. Love. I can't wait to see This Is Me Now. It looks bananas. It looks bananas. Sometimes I do feel like people have expectations too.

Oh, of course. Yeah. You expected that person you've never met to treat you a certain way. Yeah. That didn't happen. Yeah. And also you're like their reputation precedes them. So you're all like, and also, you know, rumor mill and gossip and da, da, da, da, da.

But if you're like Madonna or like, um, who's another person that's perceived? Mariah. Yeah. At a certain point, if everyone thinks you're a cunt, you're kind of like, great. Yeah. Now I can be one.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just build me the bed, bitch. Right. Build me the bed. Fierce. Wait, would you, are you gonna,

would you be on stage with Madonna? Would you go on stage with Madonna? Of course. Once in a lifetime experience. Yeah. Bob gets to live a dream every night. Bob, Bob told me he's such a big part of

that show if he's not really is he really is not on stage he's costume changing it's wild he has makeup changes that is so crazy that is so crazy it's so crazy to me she had erica budgey on i think last night or the night before it. Incredible. She have a drag queen in LA. Who'd she have? Plain Jane, I think. Right? No. Did she have plain? Um,

Sephira? Not in LA, but it was like flown out to whatever. Flew down. Flew down. Violet. Violet Chachki. Um,

I have something to tell you that happened that was trauma related. I was doing the pit stop. Okay. And I was doing a show with Jade Essence Hall and we're sitting in those two chairs, you know, just like this, but they're high chairs and they have to, I have this big hair on and Jada wears a woman hair and they're like, oh, we're gonna have to move out. And I said, well, I can move the chair down because of the bigger hair.

And the guy behind the camera goes, yeah, bigger hair, but also just bigger person. Are you serious? So I took off both wooden legs And I just walk rolled out of the room Oh my god Who said that? Not Joe Joe would never do that to me

Joe would never do that to me Shocking He goes yeah bigger hair but bigger person And I go Try being my size Evil dies tonight. Evil dies tonight. In front of Jada,

in front of my 80 pound sister, right in front of my salad. Can you believe it? No, you better. I wish you had bopped him. You should be like snatch his eye out like Daryl Hannah. Well,

he doesn't know the rules of drag, which is no matter how tall or thick or grotesque, muscular or hairy. Petite. Yeah. What you see is Pumbalina. What you see is fucking Tinkerbell bitch. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

It was, you might as well call me sir. Hello, Miss Gender. Oh, that is always jarring though. When people just like, he, like, he? He? Oh, I will always go full Noxzema Jackson. I people just like he like he he oh i will always go full noxious jackson i'm always like who's he yeah fuck he she and kathy lee he she and kathy what bigger hair but also also big person huge person this is just a bigger person

what if he'd elaborated be like look at the size of the hands yeah and look how the rolls spill out of the of the uh over the belt buckle and look how the rolls spill out of the, over the belt buckle. And look at the shoulders that out of drag don't look broad at all, but in drag, it's a linebacker. No. Oh, man. Well, have a lovely day, you big fat bitches. Bye.