The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - What Have You Done Today to Feel Proud? with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

It's that special time of the year, so unfurl your flag, secure your sex swing to a weight-bearing ceiling stud, and prepare your vocal cords to sing the absolute hell out of the body electric. It's Pride, bitches! From all of us here at the underground desert Bald bunker, we wish you and yours the hap-hap-happiest of Prides. To try America's #1 Meal Kit, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD60 and use code BALD60 to get 60% off plus free shipping! Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch your website, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. New episodes of the amazing comedy variety show podcast that breaks down the week’s news in politics and pop culture, Lovett Or Leave It, drop every Saturday morning! Listen for free wherever you get your podcasts! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Find more balance, with BetterHelp! Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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No, I was at a gig two nights ago. I had a gig. Girl, it's pride. First of all. And you. Yay. What have you done for pride so far? What have you done today to make you feel proud?

What haven't I done for pride? Yeah. Oh my God. The list, I mean, the list is too long. I can't even get into it. So why don't you go first? I walked into my house. I saw a child covered in in shit shoeless and i flipped

a quarter at them and i looked over my shoulder i said here's looking at you kid and then what have you done today and then i kept walking then i bumped into kylie jenner gave her a pepsi yeah it's a lot of that and then um i was at a hookup and I was in a swing. And we didn't have it. We didn't know how to suspend it from the ceiling. Of course. Because I'm not an HGTV star. You're not an engineer.

Right. Then I was at the We Hope Pride Parade and I was keeping it fucking fierce. Walking the parade with, who was it? Lisa Rinna. No, Polly Grip. Polly Grip. Not the queen. Dentures?

The dentures. Yeah. I was in the fierce Polly Grip parade and're on the poly being gay it's adhered to me honey and i can eat corn now but it's from an ass because gay so i'm i'm on the parade i have someone opened up and i'm just i'm going in on the corn there ain't no other way oh there ain't no so i've just been gay you've been gay as hell i oh well i i don't think i can top that however i have done something very gay how a little bit unconventional for pride what is it so it's a long story oh god here we go let me put my headphones on oh it's not connected to you it's a different music yeah i'll have dual ted talk in there no i okay microblading so i've had some time off as you know right did you get microbladed please let me listen

to the let me tell you the story because it's a it's a it's it's a journey well i noticed your brows look different today i didn't know if you just tried something different with your cosmetics. I know you're a Maybelline girl. Yeah, you know, I'm one to peruse the makeup aisle at CBS in Walgreens. I know you're feeling a little more open casket this time of year. Rather than an unmarked grave. You know what's funny? I was like, open casket. I was like thinking about open concept floor plans.

I was like, open caskets are so crazy. Mary. That is so morbid. You know, why don't they just, I mean, why don't they just shoot the body out of a cannon into the lake?

It's so crazy. Has anybody, anybody in the audience of this, has anybody been to a funeral where you saw a body in a cabinet? Casket. And you weren't traumatized by it?

Well. Because now, like I love, I love people in my life who've died. Of course. But now my last picture of them is them powdered down in that casket. Powdered and looking a little like whodunit and ran. And also a little suspiciously not like the person you remember because they're different now. Yes.

They're a bloated, hollowed out, caked up husk yeah i don't like that imagine the last time you see your husband is like his embalmed body and you know you always hear this they did a beautiful job oh yeah yeah yeah it's like it's not a piece of pottery it was a beautiful service it's like that's crazy no they're talking about the job that the embalmer did. Or the makeup artist. Well, you know that they have to use special makeup. Number nine acrylic. It could be number nine acrylic, but it's called non-thermogenic makeup. Most makeup is formulated to blend based on warming up to your body heat.

With a corpse, there's no body heat. But they do space heaters in the coffin now. I want. Wait. I want Wait Okay so the Matthew Camp sex doll Came with a butthole warmer Oh It came with a battery operated thing

Of course it did So that it's warm When you put your dick in it Electrical problems? Electrical issues Potentially I'm thinking about Oh it's battery You can't get electrocuted from battery

You can't? I don't think so. Tell that to the fucking nine volt that I shoved up my ass last night. Tell that to the car battery clipped to both my nipples. Okay, so open casket, crazy, crazy, crazy,

back to microblading. Uh-huh. So I have all this time off. I have like two weeks off, no drag, greasy. Which is drastically different from your normal schedule baby shut the fuck up go on with your delusion so i've had an extended period where i don't have to put on any makeup um and that's what you need in order to get microbladed

so i go in there um and i do the thing and I get home and Trixie. What? I looked like I had giant felt Groucho Marx brows on my above my eyes. That's not this. No, no, no. This looks good. This looks good. It looked.

It was a shock. And I got home and Eden was there. I had to pull a sheet over my head and tell her, get out of here. And then I spent the next three days alone in the house watching Succession every episode. Do you love it? I loved it, but I couldn't, I was so, I was like, intermittently I would like look in the mirror and scream. I was, and the guy, the guy was amazing. He said, you have to trust the process.

He told me everything, like everything, every step of the way you can expect. He's like, it's going to look darker. It's going to look crazy. Don't worry. Trust the process. Oh no. I was ready to jump. Yeah. I was ready to find the highest place I could get and jump right off.

But did you trust the process or were you in denial that it wasn't gonna work no i the process i no i didn't trust the process what was going on in my head was oh you just got a fucking face tattoo of two giant black caterpillars on your face but it's not permanent uh it is semi-permanent it's like um it's like a tattoo essentially they. They slice and then they... Yeah, they slice. I believe it's a blade. Yeah, it is a blade.

Basically a semi-permanent dye on it. But you know, when I worked at the makeup counters, I would see women with tattooed eyebrows. A lot of Russian women. Yes, oh yeah. Tattooed lip liner, tattooed eyeliner. It's a different thing when it's tattooed and when it's old because all black ink turns blue over time.

And it bleeds. It fades. And people who just got their lip line, their lip line would be like a nice rosy red and then their dead gray lip color. Like you can't do lip liner tattoo and then like never wear makeup. Right. It looks whack. Also, it's crazy to like, I don't want to get socks tattooed on my feet.

I can put a new pair on every day. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's crazy to me, the lip liner. Yeah. I just did. I decided to do it because I was like half the time I shave off half my brows and I look like crazy when I do drag.

You know what I mean? So it's like, oh, this may be like, I think this will look more human-ish. I would have, I would do it if I had time off. Right. Can I get it? Can I get up in there? Yeah. Is this, is this what it's going to look like?

Um, this is like a week. So it's going to fade or this is it? Uh, it's going to get actually, this is, I think this is the stage where the skin has grown over it. So it's a little light. It might get a little darker. I think it looks good. I think it looks good. I think it looks good too.

I actually like it but the shock, Mary, the shock was, it was, I was depressed. Did you think it was ruined and it was going to be black?

Did you not? I just thought, I was like, what the fuck did I do? I felt like I was in a bad dream. I was like, it was truly terrifying. I don't get scared of shit.

I don't get scared of shit. But even though the doctor was like, just the doctor was like just so you know it's gonna start dark wasn't a doctor but um right it was a it was a he was tattoo artist basically yeah technician he's so hot so wonderful so skilled so great you only got a hot people he did Janet Jackson and that's what stole me because I mean we have very similar face shapes very similar pigmentation we both have a history of dance uh dance. So I figured like if he's doing Janet. Yeah. And she loved it. I can't go wrong. Yeah.

And her brother is Michael. And you're kind of like him. Yeah, we both eat. Let's take a break. Vegetables. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears.

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And listen, did you go to the parade for real? I've never been to LA Pride. I have. I avoided it. I think I was with a towel over the head watching Succession. But you know, it really, I think, was it WeHo pride or LA pride? It was WeHo pride. Because every county's got their own pride, Mary.

Every county. Well, there's LA pride, WeHo pride, and then there's downtown LA pride, I think. Long Beach pride. Yes. At this point, there should be a Los Feliz pride. There's a Vermont Ave north of Franklin pride. Yeah. There's a honey Ave north of Franklin Pride. Yeah, there's a Honey Dip Donuts Pride.

The talent, though. Mariah. They got Mariah, Grace Jones. Mariah who? Carrie, bitch. Last night was Mariah Carey at Pride. Yes. Where?

Girl, they totted her out, threw her out. The girl. They greased that pig up and put her in the window? Honey, they threw some glitter on her, threw it on the stairs and post play on the track. What did she do? She performed. I guess I didn't see anything. And I'm not a Mariah stan, so I don't know any of the music or anything.

But you don't know Dream, Lover, Come Take Me or whatever? I only know Heartbreaker. Yeah. I only know Heartbreaker because that's the music video with Jero Connell. Oh, yeah. How about Loverboy? How about Honey? I don't know those.

How about We Belong Together How about Obsessed Do you like Mariah I love her She's incredible I love her as a whole thing And I love her songwriting ability Because she's a fantastic songwriter

People don't give her the due that she's deserved Songwriter first Beautiful beautiful vocalist second. The vocals are beyond. It's untouchable. Eight octave range at one point. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

But she writes them songs. Yeah. Then they had Grace Jones. What? Girl, Grace Jones out there. She's, I think, actually almost 80. Yeah. Hula hooping, singing.

Yeah, it's crazy. I mean. Was it? Wait, where? 80. Yeah. Hula hooping, singing. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean. Was it, that was crazy. Wait, where? Outside. Outside. In LA? Yeah, outside.

Must have been packed. A mob scene. I don't know. I wasn't there. Orville Peck did one night. Jesus. I slept through. I didn't even know it was happening.

Everybody loves to text me, where are you during pride like i'm here walking around and i go well actually honey if you're at a pride it means you're not booked at other prides so there you go that part sit tell it sister tell it bible girl tell it tell it bible girl uh-huh tell it a bible girl is my favorite thing on twitter madonna stuns and you side. Girl, the other day, Heidi and Closet tweeted, a lot of y'all Rue girls, I hear stories of you guys being bitches to people on the road, and I'm so tired of hearing it.

And Bible girl commented, but you know which Rue girl we never hear that about? Bible girl from season 15. Like, her whole Twitter's devoted to saying she's on drugs. She's like the troll. Capital T, capital R. Yeah.

In a world where everybody's like trying to like, I hope the fans like me. I'm trying to behave a certain way. She's actively antagonizing and target. It just, yeah, it's really breathtaking actually. She's amazing. But I had, oh, I didn't. Girl, I have so much to tell you. Tell me, I'm right here.

Hello, I'm listening. I had off much to tell you tell me I'm right here so hello I'm listening I had off last weekend yes and I famously did I flew to Milwaukee because I thought I'm gonna spend time with my mom and stuff before I have my gig at my bar on Thursday okay I'm gonna visit my mom visit whatever I get there I go to my mom's house I'm washing dishes I'm helping her do a little stuff around the house and she's going oh yeah you know your cousins don't want to come over and i said why and she was like well they didn't want to get sick and i said what do you mean and she was like well because you know we're all thrown up all last week and i was like okay well i'm here and i'm not in a hazmat suit val did she think you're immune mary i'm in the middle of washing their dishes their dishes that i'm like, so the mouths that you touch these dishes to, I'm touching

them violently, violently ill. And I thought my mom's like, you'll be fine. And I wake up the next day. I wake up throwing up. Pissing through your asshole. Very little diarrhea. Oh, thank God. Waves of nausea so extreme that I couldn't sleep.

When I would start to doze off, a wave of nausea would give me a chill so bad that I would like, oh, what is that? What is that? What is that? Food poisoning? I don't know. Not food poisoning, obviously. I hate to be a sensationalist. I think it might have been the novovirus that people are saying because it's almost all like puking. Novovirus. I just had throbbing headaches and puking for two days. So I'm at my condo in Milwaukee in bed, just like so horrible bucket you got a puke bucket large bucket puking in the toilet taking pictures by the toilet now when toilet pictures now when you this is so when you vomit do you vomit out of your

nose and do you break blood vessels in your eyes because if you don't then you're not really gay no do you go but i was surprised how many times i was when i would tell people that week that i was sick i would be like yeah i was sick whatever and people go oh i hate throwing up i'm like yeah everyone does no but whoa but yeah right it's not it's not like going to the beach right they're like oh my god i hate throwing up i was like yeah everyone does like yeah oh i i got stabbed oh i hate getting stabbed oh no oh you're poor oh i hate that oh wait so do you vomit through your nose it doesn't come out of your nose the mouth and just the mouth it hurts so bad throwing up hurts so bad when there's nothing left to throw up and your stomach is still seizing. Oh yeah. And it hurts so

bad. Throwing up physically hurts. No one talks about that. Yeah. Physical pain. It's, I mean, it's incredible what like those involuntary, like those processes that your body's like, hang on, we got something to do here that you got no part of. It just takes care. It's like so scary and gross. Yeah. It's, it's really horrible. It's like those videos of those escalators breaking where they go super fast and people like fly off them. Maybe it's not like that in any way, but I think of it kind of similar. I can't stop thinking about you in bed at like 1.30 in the morning with your phone three inches from your face watching car crash videos. 100%. My favorite type of video is like, he would have never believed that this 90-year-old man

would beat the shit out of him. That's my favorite type of video. Or like... Is it in the TikTok voice? You'll never believe. The woman, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Once this woman flies out of the windshield,

you'll never believe how much flesh hits the ground. Yes. Or like a traffic cam catching an accident that launches two people through the windshield. Of course I'm that you're kidding and david tried to sleep and me waking him up going look their face got ripped off david's like go to bed go to bed wig um go to bed wig puking back to puk. It's horrible. So then. I never puke. Thursday comes and I'm still a little sick and I have to get up and get in drag for the Dead by Daylight five hour live stream.

And when you're. Sick in drag. When you're sick in drag for a five hour live stream, it is tough, but I didn't want to cancel. It's also a live stream. You're sitting down, right? You're sitting down talking for hours. Luckily, weirdly, I was getting better enough that the conversation was a welcome distraction.

Okay. When you're nauseous, but nauseous enough that you can push through it and forget about it. Sure. For the previous day, I was so nauseous that every moment watching TV bothered me. I had to just sit in silence and go. That's. I have a pretty cast iron stomach. I rarely experience nausea and I'm so grateful for that. That's truly fucking horrifying. I have a pretty cast iron stomach. I rarely experience nausea, and I'm so grateful for that.

That's truly fucking horrifying. I know. So it kind of cut into my plans with other friends. It cut into some of my plans. Alaska was in town to work at our bar. We were supposed to do a Get Ready video together. I had to cancel because I was like, girl, you don't want to get what I have. Didn't I get to have sex with the hot bisexual in my building I usually have sex with?

Oh, my God. This is a true pride tragedy. Usually in Milwaukee, I have my little Rolodex. should i go you know have sex with the bisexual nurse or should i have sex with the um closeted police officer right what are my options what are your options um so and you were projected do you projectile vomit no and i didn't have much in my stomach so there there wasn't a lot of retching, but you know how I know I used to drink a lot. I woke up nauseous and my thought was I'm hungover. And I was like, wait a minute, hungover without drinking. That's just cruel.

Yeah. That's now that's vomiting is something that a lot of hungover people experience pretty much every weekend. I've only puked from being hung over maybe, maybe once a year. You know what? I'm going to say something in movies. One of my, I'm adding to my pet peeve of a movie pet peeves when they have vomiting in a movie, you know how they just burp up like a mouthful of liquid. It's not like that.

Mama. It's not like that. That's not puking. Where's the hose? Where's the hose? Cause I know I was on that aj and the queen show and i got puked on from a girl who had a prop she had a hose with a um a giant um oatmeal uh ghostbusters backpack to projectile to actually vomit create the illusion of puking now how did you feel when

you were cast on a show and they said great great, we are having someone puke on you? Well, I was like, it better be on my tits and not. And of course it was on my shoes. Didn't you want like, like they show her puking and it cuts to you being fire hosed by oatmeal. I'm like full body. I'm horrified and it's going straight into my mouth. Yes. And down the tits.

And then you're rubbing the titsits then they look down and you have your cock out you're jerking off with the oatmeal well then rue comes out because she's um in the wings and she comes and slaps my pukey tits yeah yeah yeah but it was cool but anyways don't do it screenwriters of the world i know you're on strike but don't when you're writing into that script don't do this make it real make it real and also people don't puke from like the stupid stuff like like a situation like in the crying game when she when he finds out that you know she has a ding-a-ling he pukes girl please he throws up from that famously and then of course ace ventura spoofed it and everybody puked i think people throw up from seeing a Famously. And then, of course, Ace Ventura spoofed it and everybody puked.

I think people throw up from seeing a dead body. I think that's natural. In movies, when someone's dead and they realize someone's dead, usually someone pukes. And I think that would be a natural response. You think that's a smell thing, though? No, I think that when one person gets food poisoned, the whole tribe instinctually throws up because they're like, I ate what they ate. That's why we puke when we see someone puke. Because what if we ate what they ate? I don't puke when I see someone puke because what if we ate what they ate i don't puke when i see someone puke i don't either but i think in theory we do oh they're crying i guess yeah we do cry when we see people

cry i mean it's a it is definitely a trope in movies where like one person pukes watch out everybody's hurling you think elizabeth hurley elizabeth hurabeth elizabeth anyways enough about puking so then i gotta do my gig at my bar milwaukee it's fine i'm barely alive whatever the next day i gotta wake up fly to salt lake city dj there at 11 p.m oh god then i gotta wake up and fly to kansas city to dj there at 9 p.m they say kansas city gig saturday was so turnt was it really my god it was not in kansas by the way missouri which i was like y'all need to talk to your branding people over here talk to the kansas city not being in kansas that's a little suspicious did they move there with paris texas it's like what are we doing

i don't know what are we doing so it's called the power and light district is the venue outdoor it's like rest two layers outdoor venue restaurants bars all the way so people can eat and drink at the restaurants and watch a show and then the floor is all people dancing for pride and i go in there i pull all my visuals i'm doing um i basically did solid pink disco but with more pride centric tracks and i was feeling it so fucking hard girl running sprinting sweating i'm running i'm rolling around to the ground dancing and then i realized when they a lot of times when they have you at a real big venue the table with the decks on it is very weight tested and secure so you can get on it oh you can get on the table getting on

it thrashing then i'm laid out in front of it with one leg off with my hair back like thrusting rubbing my rubbing my tits she's out of control rubbing my tits then oh something comedic happened though i have these big fake boobs on because you know i do drag of course you do and um i reach i reach over to stop to like i'm dancing my big fake boob achievement unlocked stops the music by touching the pause button and the audience laughed and then i did it again and then i was doing it on beat with my tit and it was so fun and i was like i didn't even know i could do this i think you need a sex change but then i started to really feel it there's this remix of um i love it by iconopop that i have and by the way i did a gig in salt lake city with iconopop and i we did a gig in Salt Lake City with Iconopop.

And we did a gig with them at Klarna Pride, do you remember? Klarna, get in. And I said, do you guys remember when you did that show with Kati and I at that Klarna gig? And she was like, yes, we talk about that gig a lot. They do! No way! Because it was kind of an odd vibe at that gig. Odd is an understatement.

It was an odd vibe. It was like when you go for a job interview and you realize it's an MLM and they have locked the door. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It was very that. Yeah. So anyway, cut to the next night. I'm playing this remix that I love and I'm feeling it.

And I'm like, this table can support me. I get up on that table. I'm standing above the decks. I'm thrusting. I'm rubbing. Then I'm bending over to change the chair. I'm like on top of the decks. Tell me the table broke. Tell me the table. I'm thrusting. I'm rubbing. Then I'm bending over to change the, I'm like on top of the decks. Like,

tell me the table broke. Tell me the table broke. It didn't. Oh, and it was, and then I was going to pantomime. Like I was going to run and jump off it. And people were like,

yeah, I was like, I'm not doing that. You should. Did you think I was going to run and jump off? Cause you know, they raised the decks for me and drag. Cause I'm too tall.

So they're like this tall. This is where they are. You think I'm jumping off that? All 320 pounds of you just flying into the runway. It would be amazing. It would be amazing.

If you jumped like you're going to crowd surf and everybody scattered and you belly flopped and died. Let's take a break. Oh, there ain't no way. Let's take a break. Three, two, one, zero. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest.

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Pro. Anytime, anywhere. How fierce would that be? Very. I mean, it'd be very fierce. Very, very fierce. What a way to go. She died doing what she loved.

Jumping. Jumping. Belly flopping on the hard surface. Belly flopping on the hard surface. She died doing what she loved. That's the equivalent of Sonny Bono hitting a tree with hunchbeats. I think he's probably having a better time. No, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you friends with Taylor Swift? Am I? I've never met her. Wait. Have you? You've seen that from the trial, right? I can't get it out of my head.

What trial? The Gwyneth Paltrow, it was skiing. My mind went there. The skiing trial? No. Oh, this is when that woman was like asking too many personal questions about her life. She's trying to butter her up, buttering up the biscuit before she chomp chomps on it. Yeah.

Yeah. She's like, no, Gwyneth, I love your highlights. Are those, are those home perm or like you know like how tall are you five ten oh my god i'm five six i have to wear four inch heels even it's a great yeah crazy what's that about i think the technique or was she was trying to like it was but it was it was litigation by way of marianne williamson that's what it was it's like i'm going to befriend you and then i'm going to like catch you off guard because once we have a rapport you let your guard down then i'm going to go in for the kill then I'm going to like catch you off guard. Cause once we have a rapport, you let your guard down. Then I'm going to go in for the kill.

Mary, it's Gwyneth Paltrow. She wasn't born yesterday. No. And she, if anybody's going to get gooped, it's not her. Thank you.

She wrote the book, but she, the lawyer was like, are you friends with Taylor Swift? And I can't get out of my head. Why does she care? What does that, what is the relevance?

It was about like, I think she went to a Taylor Swift concert, blah, blah, blah. It was just a bunch of stupid bullshit, stupid bullshit. like I think she went to a Taylor Swift concert blah blah blah it was just a bunch of stupid bullshit stupid bullshit

but Julia Roberts just went to Taylor Swift's concert and she got her whole life really would you go to Taylor Swift's concert uh probably not

okay yeah I mean I have to really love someone to go like cause it's a stadium show and I noticed for me there has to be stakes

I feel like I'm gonna be able to see Taylor Swift for the rest of my life. I thought you were a vegetarian. But like when I see Blondie, it's because I'm like, this could be the last time. Yes, totally, totally. B-52s, I'm like, this could be the last time. With a young artist, I'm like, I'll go later. I'll catch the DVD.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess I always just feel like I'll go later. Would you go to see Beyonce? I've been looking at these tour, like little clips of these tours in the production level is on real and incredible, but that environment, it's unimaginable. It seems very unappealing to me.

Oh, are you kidding? Body's thrashing. The body's at the floor. Like, I don't want to do that. It seems like, uh,

the 12th circle of hell. Now, let's say I was good friends with the folks down at Procter & Gamble. And they said, we have a box seat for you at this stadium she's playing. Where you can just come and sit private and watch it from afar and have some snacks. We'll helicopter you in and we'll helicopter you out. No parking lot. Yeah.

Yeah. But I love, I do love to dance though. So maybe I would. Maybe I would. I was at this bar the other night in Kansas city after my gig. And there was this DJ duo called the cinematics and it's two gay guys. And one of them DJs while the other one creates custom visuals on the fly to match the music.

They like aren't perfectly in sync and they were playing such good music. It was making me so fucking horny to dance that i wanted to dance so bad but i didn't want to go bump into people like that i love dancing but sometimes the thought of crossing that threshold into the room at a club where it's wet air wet face and i don't do drugs and now i don't drink so now it's like you're drunk people slamming slamming. Slamming, yeah. There should be a people who aren't drinking area of dancing that has a little more space bubble.

Yeah. How about this though? I don't even think you remember this. They used to smoke cigarettes on the dance floor. I've never seen that. People used to have, when I went to nightclubs, especially goth clubs, whatever, you know, from 1999 to 2000, whatever, smoking cigarettes on the dance floor, dancing with a cigarette. As a hardcore smoker, I could not even wrap my head around that. But were people getting burned?

Hello? It's crazy. It's like, why don't you just like have a machete in your hand? You know, it's like, it's wild. Can you believe that? No, I think I would be afraid of somebody burning. And, you know, I'm it's wild can you believe that no i think i would be afraid of somebody burning and you know i'm always wearing a lot of real silk a lot of real satin you know your bundles yes and my um my uh lambskin yeah yeah i'm afraid what if my natural like

my shonen track you soak your tights in lighter fluid before you go out to the club so it's like it smells that way at times, to be honest. After these four little pride gigs, I just, I'm not used to. When we were on tour, we have a bus and so things can get laid out and dried out. I wasn't used to packing wet tights and wet corsets again. I wasn't used to packing wet wigs. When you pack a wet wig that's covered in hairspray, the next day it comes out in a shell and you have to brush it out and redo it because while it's been in the suitcase, the moisture from the wig cap reactivates the hairspray.

And so if your wig is crammed into a little ball, it comes out a little ball. So it sucked having to pull out a wig and redo it every day. Yeah. How about a wet human hair wig thrown into a suitcase? You know what she's coming out as? Looking like an abortion. Yeah. It is like a twisted up fucking, it's like, it's horrible.

What? What? Ooh, the rainbow. Evil Dead Rises. That's what that wig is. The scout. Yes. God.

That was fierce. I watched this film, I called like would you rather or something it was like a sauce but like a saw spinoff but it wasn't saw related it was a saw copy and there was a was andy mcdowell in it i don't know that's ready or not no what what have you seen that you love it samara weaving of course samara weaving yeah andy mcdowell is amazing bashes andy mcdowell's fucking face gets her head into the floor it's fabulous were you gagged at the end when they all started exploding abso-fucking-lutely i loved it when you think it's superstition the whole time and then and then oh there ain't no way i love that movie i love it too and you know good i

relate to her in that movie like coming into spaces where people are wealthy but you're not wealthy and you didn't grow up wealthy. It's uncomfortable. Yeah. And so I think she plays that really well where she's like just trying to fit in. Yeah. Yeah. And when she draws that card and they realize they have to kill her. I was like, what about the beginning when it starts with when they were kids?

I know. And the old grandma. Did you like her with the. Are you kidding me? And the eyebrows. The eyebrows. Miss Evil Auntie. Yeah.

She was. That was me. Yeah. That was me. Yeah. That was me. Yeah. Crazy. That's Pat. The only thing I don't like, I don't like it when a main character who's being pursued, they get a major like hand injury.

Remember when she like on the nail? Yeah. I hate that. Do you like in movies when they get stabbed through the hand? No, no, because it's a wrap. I love that. It's a wrap. No, I love it. I mean, it's dramatic. The beginning of Scream, Jenna Ortega through the hand. no because it's a wrap it's a wrap no i love it well i mean it's it's dramatic the beginning of scream jenna ortega through the hand oh really but then does she go in to survive hours and hours later no she spends the whole movie in the hospital she's very injured

she's like very injured she's also stabbed a bunch of other times okay okay no but in the moment that camera angle of someone with their hand up and a knife through it is always very scary. Oh, bitch. How about this, though? So Mrs. Davis, a show on Peacock, the first. It's Betty Gilpin from Glow Up. I love, love, love, love, love. So it starts out.

Glow, not Glow Up. Betty Gilpin competed on the makeup competition show glow up, which I'm guess judging on this week. If you want to watch it, anybody, there ain't no other way. She, it starts off with this scene of like these,

these nuns in like the 15th century, like Samurais. They're like, they're warriors. They're like fucking shit up. And this bitch gets, she gets stabbed straight through. And then she jumps,

she leaps across the table to like stab somebody with the sword that she's stabbed with oh it's so fierce she's like well here we go it's so fierce a lot of good stabbing did you see her in that movie i believe called the hunt i sure the fuck did with um hillary swank at the mary that's a huge spoiler at the end spoiler it's a movie where it seems like a bunch of uh conservatives get rounded up and are hunted by liberals by coastal elites the coastal liberal rich people with guns yeah i thought it was such a fun flip yeah it's a little simplistic um but it's it was fun i i saw it in the theater and I thought I had a blast watching it. The gag at the end of Hilary Swank was very gaggy. I like them making like woke white people the devil.

I think that's funny. Yeah, because I mean, all people are trash. Well, do you remember the scene like with those two people who they're pretending to be convenience store owners, but it's of course all the game. Yes. And they're having that whole conversation about like, they're called African-Americans. Right. Them being horrible murderers, but correcting. Like so funny. Yeah yeah it's very funny she slayed betty gilbert mama she slayed she takes it she takes it she puts it in her mouth she chews it up and swallows it

otherwise known as eating like she goes so hard in that movie the scenes towards the end where she's in the death match with hillary swank it's so fierce it's so fierce hillary swank is making a sandwich when she walks in and she's like, is it interesting? A bread knife is used to cut tomatoes. And you're like, this is going to go off. It was giving me Kill Bill.

Yeah. Yeah. When she finally meets Bill. Yeah. It was fierce. It was really fierce. I love Kill Bill. I do.

I'll never forget. I'll never forget the day. Cause I saw the, the V of the DVD. And then I went to the theater the same day to see number two. Cause it was in the theater. I'll never forget. I'll never forget it day because I saw the DVD and then I went to the theater the same day to see number two because it was in the theater. I'll never forget. I'll never forget it.

It was just electrifying. Electrifying. It for me was like, whoa, movies can be something else, bitch. Electrifying. Yeah. Why? And it hits that good too. If you watch it today, it's like a 25 year old movie now.

It's as good. Electrifying. Uma, if you're watching this, I'm sure you yeah electrifying did you see now of his oeuvre tarantino what are you a fan of have you seen have you seen them all well yeah kill bill one and two are i think the the beyond it's the apex of greatness i actually really loved once upon a time in hollywood i loved it too loved it and not to be stupid i didn't know anything about the movie so i go in completely blind i didn't know be stupid, I didn't know anything about the movie, so I go in completely blind. Okay.

I didn't know anything about it. You didn't know anything about Sharon Tate? I knew about that. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And you spend the whole movie thinking she's going to die. Oh, okay. And then she doesn't.

Yeah, so, oh, so you didn't know it was a kind of revisionist. No. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. I thought, oh God, we're going to have to see her die. Oh God, she's going to die.

Margot Robbie, the scene where Margot Robbie goes to see her own movie. It's so cute. And Kate Berlant is in it. Kate Berlant is in it.got Robbie. The scene where Margot Robbie goes to see her own movie. It's so sweet. And Kate Berlant is in it. Kate Berlant is in it. So good.

The ticket lady. The ticket girl. I love the scene where the Manson girls are in the car and Maya Hawke is like having cold feet. It's so funny. How about the can of fucking dog food at the face, bitch? Sickening. Because it's a long movie. It's a long movie. It's a slow burn. And that payoff is so good. It's so fucking juicy. And Brad G. Sickening. That, that, cause it's a long movie. It's a long movie. It's a slow burn.

And that payoff is so good. It's so fucking juicy. And Brad G PG. Brad G PG eats and shits. And he just takes them all out to the dumpster. The part where he gets in the fight with Bruce Lee. Oh yeah. Yeah.

It was Bruce Lee against that. Yeah. Sickening. And when he, well, he's, he's Brad Pitt plays Leonardo DiCaprio's stunt man. Yeah.

And the part where he's in the same outfit as him in a wig sitting backstage. Yeah. Brad Pitt is so fucking beautiful. And he's honestly never been hotter than that movie. He's so hot in that movie. Yeah. Cause he's, he's, he's, he's in fantastic physical shape. He's also like the, the best acting he's ever done.

You know, I say one thing Quentin Tarantino movies do, they give it up to the stunt people. Oh, yeah. Zoe, what's her face? Mary, nothing beats Death Proof. I'm sorry. I take it all back. I think I like it even more than Kill Bill. Really?

I love Death Proof. Wow. I remember seeing that in the movie theater and being seized with terror. When she's on the front of that car, watching a main actress climb out of a car on camera. When she turns to the camera, or she turns over and goes, watch this, and climbs out onto the hood. And it's not a stunt double. And it's one shot. And it's the real actress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like. Well, that's a stunt woman. I know. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like. Well, that's a stunt woman. I know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's amazing. Zoe Bell? Zoe Bell, yeah.

Is that right? Zoe Bell, yeah. She's incredible. But the first, I've watched the leg from the first half of the movie. I've watched the leg scene too many times. It's amazing. Too many times. And I can't think about putting my foot out the

window without stuntman mike coming girl and just the leg goes flying yeah the leg and if it's gonna happen let it be the other one not the new one thank you thank you so good and uh kurt russell is so funny in that movie yeah and there's moments where he's pitiful moments where you're like he's kind of sexy in moments when he's actually terrifying moments where you're like, he's kind of sexy. And moments when he's actually terrifying, like with Rose McGowan. Girl, terrifying. I love that movie. The,

the, how about with, um, what's her face in the boom. Oh yeah. Love that. Um, uh,

you're the one that killed my brain. No, it's, um, Rosario Dawson is so good in that movie. The leg, and then smash into the face. Also the world building, the scene where they smash into the face also the world building the scene

where they stop at the convenience store and they pick up a magazine that that girl's in and like the fact that they're working on a movie and they're off duty yeah such a good it's crazy because it's the first few the first group of girls is they're not very likable and and they're in it's just it's the tone is dark and it's uncomfortable. Yeah. And then you have like, and then it's like the sunny. However, that sex dance in the bar. She wears a red bandana.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That butterfly bitch who plays Butterfly. So beautiful. Weird looking. But in such a beautiful way with her big eyes and big lips and tiny little nose. Is she the one that gets the tire scraped of her face? Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch.

That Jungle Julie with the long hair is so good. That movie is so good. This isn't a movie podcast. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, yes, it is. Okay, good. Welcome to movie phone.

So how about Planet Terror? Because I saw the double feature in the theater. Me too. Yeah, I can't believe I still, like, I can can't believe I don't even think I went to the bathroom Did you pee yourself? I didn't know it was a double feature I didn't know what I was going to do It was my freshman year of college and my roommate Mike

I moved into the dorm I met my first friend Mike The first friend ever in college No my first friend at college Was my heterosexual roommate Mike We met and he barely knew me and he was like Hey do you want to go to a concert with me Friday? And then go see this movie with me Saturday. And I was like, sure.

Only friend. So we went to Joanna Newsome together. It was amazing. Okay. I'd never seen Joanna Newsome. It was unreal. It was her in a 23 piece orchestra. 23 pieces.

And it was amazing. Jesus Christ. And then the next night I think we went to see Death Proof and the Planet Terror. Planet Terror. Both of those experiences blew my mind. Yeah. Planet Terror, is that Planet Terror? Not my favorite. Although you love the machine gun leg. Yeah. With Rose McGowan. But when Quentin Tarantino's in the movie, ugh, he's always so gross. He's

so gross. He says he says like he mentions getting his dick wet and that's when I almost hurled he plays a creep very well yeah he plays a creep

and he's not a trained actor I wonder if he's a creep no well we're gonna work with Selma soon we should ask her about From Dusk Till Dawn

because From Dusk Till Dawn also is so good is that Robert Rodriguez that's the same guy Planet Terror I believe yeah yeah yeah Quentin he's so good in that movie George Clooney's so good. Is that Robert Rodriguez? That's the same guy, Planet Terror, I believe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think Quentin, he's so good in that movie. George Clooney's so good in that movie. Juliette Lewis in that movie. George Clooney. George Clooney. Lake Como. I was probably too young to see that movie. I didn't know vampires happened.

So when the vampires happened. Oh, you didn't know. In the movie. There's no clue that there's going to be vampires until it kicks off and suddenly you're like what movie are we watching yeah i thought it was watching just as like a sexy mexican bar movie no it starts out like these two con brothers who are like on the run from the law and they hijack this family's rv you're like okay it's kind of like a thriller whatever it seems very straight whatever although

there's also a very it's a it's a lot of violence that movie yeah it's a horror movie it's but i mean also there's a major sexual assault towards the first part of the movie i mean it's a here's the thing about movies they're filled with rape yeah filled with it yeah game of thrones for example you never watched that series but that was was notoriously R-A-P-E-Y. Wasn't that also like Brothers and Sisters fucking? Oh, but the incest was a rampant, rampant incest. Got no problem with that. Well, your siblings are all really hot. Yeah.

And we have a cute, I mean, oh my God. That's disgusting. We don't have to do all that. Listen, I don't want to fuck my brothers and sisters and mommy and daddy, but I would, you know, if anybody else wants to do theirs that's fine i don't and i understand that family porn is very common like it's hugely common like seeing my stepsister jerking off and i guess the step is what makes people feel like it's not that bad it's right i mean it's a loop's a loophole. It's a loophole. It's a poop hole.

It's a, it's a, what do you call that? It's like a, it's like step sister. Yeah. Do you think that's more of a conscious clearing thing? I think it's like a legal thing, but you think these are the people who like,

let's say you like porn of watching your step sister. Do you have a sister? Do you not? I think it, I don't think there's any hard and fast rules with kinks and taboos. Interesting. Now, what if you're going to now what if you're gonna what if you're do you watch gay gay do you watch gay brothers fuck do you like the part of real twins I have seen it you have I've have seen it there's there was um a czech or eastern european um I couldn't I was like like I couldn't believe it I was like Like you know

Kevin Yeah When I saw it Because it was ages ago She gets porn people And then just But you couldn't For porn

You could just Say your brothers Like No they were Identical twins I know but Without being twins You could just have

Two people who mildly look alike And in the porn They can Oh they certainly do You don't have to find Real blood relations No I mean Just look on the street in WeHo.

Brother, boyfriends? I mean, what do you call that? Twin... Boyfriend twins? Boyfriend twins. Oh my God, yes. Yes, yes. There's a lot of boyfriend twins.

There's a lot of them. And that's what people... When I was dating... Oh my God, what's his name? Mr. Potato Head. No! No! Bitch!

Who's that really beautiful hot skier? Gus Kenworthy? Yeah, when I was dating him. I forgot his name. We weren't together long. You had to block it out. I kind of blocked it out. Therapy.

When we were dating, everybody was like, oh my God, twins. And I was like, you guys, don't be gross. This is my lover. You know what I mean? You wear a hat. He doesn't. You don't look anything alike. Well, that's when gus was like i need you to stop working out and you have to shave your head because i used i mean we used to be really like yeah you see me on a

snowboard you'd be like gus like oh no it's brian yeah you know that's tough who do you who do people say you look who of your celebrity boyfriends was your boyfriend twin. Well, it's usually Mr. Burns. Uh-huh. Or the cartoon. Or the really, really tall guy from Twin Peaks. The one with the sunken in cheeks and the crazy eyes. The one from The One from Dr. Sleep. Lurch.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. The one who dies in Dr. Sleep. Yeah. They say, oh. Grandpa Flick. Grandpa Flick. I think that's his name. Mary, that I know we've talked about it before.

I know we talked about it before But that scene Just in terms of Talking about horror movies Talking about nasty scary shit That scene Where they are sucking the fear Out of that little boy

Terrifying It is really scary It's You know what I liked about it It's really scary Kids never get killed in movies No they're torturing him It's horrifying

they want him to be as afraid and as in pain as possible yeah that's fucking nuts it's horrible like you see people get butchered you see people get fucking flayed and decapitated and all that stuff they're they want to suck all the fear and pain out of him that's so wild yeah it's pretty intense that scene yeah and the the flip side of that scene that's so wild yeah it's pretty intense that scene yeah and the the flip side of that scene that's also really scary is when the grandpa is dying yeah and he's like and then he dies and turns into smoke and they all swarm him oh yeah so scary that movie's so good rebecca ferguson girl i talk about eating at the fucking old country buffet girl going in and rebecca ferguson decided i don't want to be a girl that poops.

No, no, no. I want to be a bitch that shits. Yeah, yeah. I want to go to every fucking buffet in Las Vegas. Yeah. And then I'm going to go a tour of Italy. Italy. Italy.

And I'm going to eat every fucking meal. I'm going to downtown Disney. Yeah. I'm going to Hard Rock Cafe. I'm snatching bowls at the soup kitchen. Girl. Out of homeless people's hands. Honey.

I'm eating so hard. I'm driving for Instacart and I'm nibbling on the groceries that i'm delivering to people could you imagine rebecca ferguson showing up to your house with some green grapes and they're half eaten she's like i'm so sorry there's traffic it's fine it's fine miss ferguson please i can't wait to see you in dune too i would love to do a series where we go grocery shopping with celebrities and they show us their favorite items that That would be so fierce. Well, because my friend Sasha, the first time she visited LA, guess who she saw at Gelson's? Angelina Jolie.

Whoa. I swear. Angelina Jolie, black half tan, teaching her kids about broccoli or whatever. Wow. Literally. Do you like Gelson's, the grocery store? It's beautiful. I do too.

I like Gelson's, the grocery store? It's beautiful. I do too. I like Gelson's. It's very expensive, of course, but it looks like not real. I had my Hollywood moment two days ago where I'm on the cover of LA Magazine right now. Really? What are you doing? I'm in a picture. They had me. I'm on half the article.

I'm on half the covers. And George Takei is on that takai uh yes i'm on half the things and george is on the other half gotcha and uh congratulations i was buying groceries and saw myself on the magazine and i felt like june carter cash oh that's lovely june carter cash just famous oh famous famous famous um wait wait wait wait i got to talk to george takei the other day. I got to talk to George Takei the other day. I got to talk to him for a press thing. He's gay. Yeah, very gay.

Oh, my. You know about that, right? He was on the Howard Stern show and they asked him some really risque question. He went, oh, my. It's so sickening. Can I play the clip? We'll lead out with this. Please.

But we were talking about oppression and sort of like, you know, rainbow washing. Sure. I will say as a message of hope for Pride, I've been to three Prides this year. The energy this year is electric. People want to go to Pride because they can actively feel their rights being stripped away. It's sort of like we're going to Pride. My gig in Milwaukee, a 78-year-old man came to the meet and greet. He said, me and my husband don't ever go out anymore, but with everything going on in the news, we feel like it's important to support gay bars right now.

No matter gay, straight, or bi. Lesbian, transgender, life. That's right. I'm on the right track, baby. I was born to survive. No matter black, white, or beige. Chola or orient made. Rah, rah, ooh, la, la.

Just shitting my pants. Do you know how many times I say it alone in my house? Ra ra ooh la la, I'm shitting my pants. I believe it. It's like a conductor or like a band leader. It's like, no, it's ra ra ooh la la, just shitting my pants. So you say it in that cadence to no one. Right. Well, it's not really to no one right well it's not really to

no one let's find oh my let me see if i can do it oh my oh yeah oh my fun right oh my and i was like you know george it's been hard because like brands have been like really weird this year about drag do you know what i mean george and george was like without at all, George, it's been hard because like brands have been like really weird this year about drag. Do you know what I mean, George? And George was like, without at all trying to slam dunk or one up me, George was completely successful in reality checking my gratitude. Because George was like, really? After Pearl Harbor, they went around in America, rounded up Japanese people. And a man came to my front door when I was five years old with a gun

and took me and my dad and my brother to an internment camp. And I was like, okay, I guess that's a little different than Target Pride. What I'm complaining about is maybe not as serious.

That's fine, but they removed my t-shirts from a Target. I know. I'm like, you're not hearing me. But that's why it's important. Older gay people have stories that completely check your gratitude.

Yeah. If you would listen to me for once, maybe you would get your gratitude checked every once in a while. I mean, especially since most of these prides started as protests. That became parties. That became celebrated corporate events. Originally, it was like prides were borderline unwelcome. It was protests. You know what I mean?

And now it's like, Verizon wants to give your pride money, whatever. Like, before it was not corporate sponsored, it was like almost an illegal activity, which I find very inspiring. Well, it's still illegal in many places to wedge your weenie into someone's derriere. Not in Tennessee anymore.

Did you see the drag bill got struck down? Oh, that's right. Ooh, they're right now. I guess it's time. Play is back on track then. Let the girls have their thing. Let the girls do their thing. Wiggle, wiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

Get the dollars. If someone puts on a women's song and I move my lips along to it, I don't think you need to exactly call 911. No, it's just rah, rah, ooh, la, la. Just shitting my pants. Well, there you go. Happy Pride. Happy Pride. Bye.