The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - When You Need the Endurance to Persevere, It’s Trimix! with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

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I love these. I love these chairs. I really do, too. I do. You know, I was watching this now that we moved into my old bedroom to film in here, and it is whack as hell. These are just in frame the whole time. Oh, I guess so.

But I mean, you know what? I mean, what are you going to do? Yeah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And there's no way here to portray. There's no bed. Nothing makes people more comfortable in a sex situation than lots of lights and cameras.

That's. Oh, my God. Well, remember that time I hooked up with that guy, that OnlyFans person who didn't who didn't get hard. And I said, it's hard for me to not take it personally when you can get hard with about 12 other people around a grip a key grip a dolly grip you know stephen sonheim a script supervisor supervisor uh um assistant to mr officer body double a covet officer on the paramount lot the head of mgGM But then when we're here In privacy

That dick receded Like a Elevator button It collapsed on itself Like a neutron star Yeah Okay It was like

It looked like It was a gray Shriveled Rubber band I know So I know you're averse To you don't believe in You know

Feeding people Viagra Like candy or whatever But why not Yeah I guess I'm wacky How I don't give Strangers prescriptions. That's the personal choice. Your body,

your choice or their body, their choice, their body, my choice. But you don't have a little trimix around later around. Oh, you know, I should,

I want to start slow. And so I'm going to start with two injections, two injections into the cock shaft. Do people, do people know about trimix? Because we talk about it, but we talk about like, it's a watch brand. It's Christmas. My husband got me a trimax i love it trimax is they call it liquid

viagra right like injectable viagra yeah you inject so here's what you got to do because for people who suffer from erectile dysfunction not even i wouldn't say dysfunction because performing having maintaining an erection for six hours during a shoot is not exactly like, that's not a normal function, I would say. Right. But in order to keep that thing rock hard, it's an injectable into the shaft, the tissue of the penis to make it tumescent. But you got to pump the cock first because some of these guys got dead dicks. Dead dicks. Dead dicks. Dead dicks.

That dick ain't alive. Well, is it permanent damage? Well, there's a lot. I mean, some people do it. I think it depends on the dick. Depends on how the frequency, all that stuff. But you could have a dead ass dick. But you know what?

Like a lot of, hey, death, being dead is being done dying is as is as natural as being born and having a dead dick sometimes dead is better i've seen some dicks i wish we're dead oh my god but it's but you gotta pump it get it hard then you gotta stick it then you need is it a bop it? Kiss it? Pass it? You got to like boop, boop. Two injections. So it's an injectable. It's an, it's a needle. So when you walk into the bedroom, are you L driver?

Yes. Kill Bill with the needle. Do, do, do, do, do, do. I got to do. Uh-huh. I got, I got to take the eye patch off because I need my vision to do the. Are these people injecting their own dicks? Yep.

Yep. Damn. Sometimes, many times. And then. Brave people. There is a antidote, which I believe is like similar to, this could be very false, but it's like nasal spray. I think the activate, it's some kind of thing like that, where it's like you can.

It's Nasonex. Yeah, it's like, because sometimes the dick doesn't go down. Well, don't they say in the commercials, if you're experiencing an erection longer than four hours, but these people are like, if it's not going for eight hours why bother well yeah they need to and i was thinking about that the other day i was like wow these you i mean even when i've been like pumped the most bloodshot diva pumped full of viagra yeah that's not a dick i mean six hours it's not gonna you know that's intense i saw a tweet the other day that said bottoms would be like, Ooh, I'm so wet, baby. That's shit. I don't like that.

I don't like, you know, the older I get, the more I'm like, I'm like, it's, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. You know, I'm starting to turn on my people. I'm starting to feel a disconnect. I'm like, am I gay? Was I ever gay? Cause you know, being gay is tired, corny, and played out. It really is.

Oh my gosh. Not as played out as drag. No, no, no, no. Drag is more played out. That's the dead dick. Drag is the dead dick of the gay experience. It's the necrosis of the gay experience. It's the rigor moris.

Well, how about this? I had to tell the guy. Speaking of needles, I just came from the doctor, got a giant injection in my hip. And they told me this. Birth control? Yes. Yes. But they, I had to wear a Johnny. I don't usually experience the doctor like this. What's a Johnny? A Johnny is a night dress, a dressing gown. Open in the back. Open in the back. But he said, take your pants and your underwear off. Were you getting an IUD put in? That seems involved.

Right. But like all the other times I've gotten the shot, I just, you know, I pulled them down a little bit. He said, take your pants and your panties off. He didn't say panties, but I wish he did. And then I had the Johnny on over my sweatshirt with my hat and socks. And I was laying on the bed for so long so long like 20 minutes we need to talk okay at the doctor the amount of time you will sit in that room by yourself is actually really shocking well I 40 minutes yes 50 an hour I they said when I like got the last minute appointment and they

were like okay 12 30 you have to be here like please be there by noon so I got dropped off the wrong place I ran five blocks to be 10 minutes late and then waited about um 20 minutes to be seen and then another 20 minutes in the thing which is fine whatever but like i was i was just like this is the strangest thing i'm naked from the waist down with my hat on i wouldn't take the hat off and then i was like on my side with my little butt exposed and no one wants that and then i told him i was a drag queen and it was and i just thought to myself i wish i was living someone else's life right now it was too much oh my you know what you need you need like a get you know and get out

the reveal is that they're taking people's brains and putting them in other people's bodies. The different one. We need to put your brain in a different body because your brain in a different body. My brain into Jennifer Lawrence's body. We could have really different lives. Yeah. My brain into Jennifer Lawrence's body or my brain into Penelope Cruz's body or perhaps even my brain into Svetlana Loveta's body. You could do a lot with that. You could actually help her. I could do a lot with that. Absolutely. You could help her. I want to Lovatova's body. You could do a lot with that. You could actually help her.

I could do a lot with that. You could help her. I want to get into Paris Jackson's body. Who is Paris Jackson? This really tall, beautiful actress. I believe she's Michael Jackson's daughter. Really? Yeah, Paris.

Somebody bring up a clip. Paris Jackson. Look, she gorge. Oh, wow. She looks like, actually from here, she looks like Penelope Cruz. Yeah. When she goes missing and then suddenly like she gets really into guitar playing or like

you're going to know. I'm not going to be very subtle about it. Oh, right, right, right. Like Paris Jackson reveals her Barbie collection and her aversion for acoustic guitars. And her love of auto harp. Yeah. And they're going to be like, hmm. Meanwhile, Trixie Mattel has been found missing.

Do you like Michael Jackson music? Well. I'm not talking about the person. Meanwhile, Trixie Mattel has been found missing Do you like Michael Jackson music? Well I'm not talking about the person Do you like the sounds of the music? Do you like the way it sounds? Before I knew about his licking little baby's asses I, as a child, listened to Jackson 5, Motown Did you really?

Yeah, but I never got that into the contributions musically of that person. I don't love men's voices, to be honest. There's a handful of singers that I listen to on the regular that have men's voices. I just don't like to listen to it for some reason. Who are the top five singers, male, men, men who sing? Shaq. Didn't Shaq do rap? Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen Oh Rick Moranis Had a country album Rick Moranis Jim Belushi Jim Belushi And No really though

Really Who's your My favorite Right away Male singers Male singers Go James Taylor

James Taylor Love Okay next one James Taylor Jason Isbell Jason Isbell Jason Isbell Love Greatest songwriter

Of our generation Who am I really Listening listening to I don't really listen To a lot of male singers I guess The 52s Love Fred Schneider

Of course Two more It was a clown Love those I mean love James Taylor Two more Oh Townes Van Zandt. That album, live at Houston.

It's in a bar. And while he's singing, you can hear people talking, people going to the bathroom. You can hear pool tables. It's very informal. And he tells little lame jokes between his- Barry Manilow. Do you like him? No.

Michael Bolton. No. Elvis. Of course, come on. Okay, Roy Orbison. Not reallyton. No. Elvis. Of course. Come on. Okay. Roy Orbison. Not really. Not really. Barry Gibbs.

No. Oh. The Beachies, I think. The Beachies. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Okay.

False. Maybe. I should have been a disco singer. Okay. More than a woman to me. Yeah, I don't know. When I think of like Luciano Pavarotti. Oh, of course.

I mean, come on. I remember listening to him in college because, you know, the teachers want us to listen to like, you know, the people people. Yeah, yeah. It almost looks like an extreme. When you're singing, it's not pressure, but it's a resistance, right? It's like a piece of soft tissue that's like operating, but not clenching. And somebody like him, the full body is engaged. And that sound is shooting out of his skeleton into an auditorium.

It's almost an extreme feat of sportsmanship, comanche horsemanship. It's an archery on horseback. Archery on horseback. It's pretty crazy. Well, Eden was just saying that a lot of times it's hard for female singers who are expected to look graceful, beautiful, and flawless. Because that level of singing requires such a grimace often. To really get those notes when there's no lip syncing, it's not the most flattering thing to look at close up on a camera or in a concert So why pre-recorded is usually the tea but the greats don't care look at Celine my I had the same voice my voice teacher Used to sing backup for Celine and he was like in her top end

She does this thing called like the bunny face where she like almost snarls to access like her teeth Yeah, and he was just like, it's not about looking. He's like, that's just the weird face you make to get the sound perfect. I said, you know what? Let the people make ugly faces. What if you had a gorgeous voice?

Gorgeous. Let's say it's Celine meets Whitney meets Jennifer Hudson meets. Just it's Mariah voice. Yeah. But every time you go to sing the piano starts and you're like, I think that would that would be incredible because what you want and then the song's done and you go thank you because that's when you get in bed with a fabulous lighting designer and then in concert it all goes dark or a projectionist who projects a face onto your face.

And then during the, the, the moments of like the breaks, then you just go back to smiling. Well, it's sometimes, I mean, it's kind of like an industry trope that like people are compensating.

Yeah. Susan out to the words could be Mary had a little lamb and you're like, like Reagan in the exorcist or it's that Snapchat filter that Macy Rodman uses the one that's like not the tongue one

the other one that's like oh yeah yeah yeah that one's really intense and imagine you're singing like Phantom of the Opera and you're just like I love that

but you know that's what she looks like I love the idea of like an industry like you're compensating like if you're not as good of a singer you like

do reveals or wear fabulous whatever and then if you're not as good of a singer, you like do reveals or wear fabulous, whatever. And then if you're a really good singer, you're like, I don't need all that. I just wear a black turtleneck. Park and bark. Yeah. The park and bark. That's what you notice. You see me at the music festivals doing about 15 costume reveals.

And then you see Adore singing in a t-shirt. Yeah. And you brought the Big Apple Circus with you. Yeah. If you want to hear this. Yeah. Although Adore's in Milwaukee tonight. She is so good live.

I did a gig with her once. And this sounds dumb. I had just never heard a drag queen sing like that. Before Queen of the Universe, when my mind is permanently blown forever by those singers. Permanently blown. Permanently blown. But when I saw Adore do a soundcheck live, I was like, I thought she was lip syncing. I was like, this is unreal.

Her voice is unreal. She's got her voice is unreal she's got a good voice she's got a good voice and it sounds exactly like her record which is very impressive that is impressive i don't i mean i don't think um she's great adore friend of the show she's been on the pod many many many many many i hate when people do that when they say many many many many you can just say it many just say many times many Many means many. You could say 300 times if you want to get specific. There doesn't have to be many, manys. Yeah. Many is many.

Many is many is many. What about Rihanna? Did you catch the Super Bowl yesterday? I know you're a huge football fan. I didn't. I filmed all day because I thought, it's the Super Bowl. I'm not going to get invited to anything. You better believe Gigi Gorgeous was like, you want to come over for a Super Bowl party?

I said, what is this sports powwow we're doing? No, no, no, no, no, here's the nobody's actually watching the game They're doing drugs until the halftime show and then they're drinking afterwards. Yeah, it's great for you know, Rihanna I mean listen people to are critical of a person who to me doesn't produce a lot of brand new music But when you have a body of work like hers, it's called finishing early It's when you're taking the SATs and you prepped and so you fill out your scantron And you go set it down and leave before the time's over. I think she has 14 number one hits Yeah, rihanna doesn't owe you or anyone more music. Let her vibe. She's making makeup. She's mom Yeah, I don't know why we're critical of people because they like haven't released an album in a who cares

Yeah, it's it is strange. It is it's like a one hit wonder Except they finished early 14 times right like devo could write whip it and they'd be like we're done yeah yeah why not i don't know i don't know i thought she was i thought it was great i thought it was like extremely well choreographed i don't know who the choreographer was that information is i feel like you have to dig to find that out i looked at joni mitchi Mitchell. Joni Mitchell. She got booted off. She left Spotify to choreograph for Rihanna. Good for her.

Good for her. And you know what? She should say it. She's Canadian. She's a painter. And she's a choreography for Rihanna. Rihanna. And Rihanna's music has a very worldly, multicultural appeal because the way she sings, it's not even really, it's sort of

like Sia where the words are so distorted. It's kind of English, but it kind of isn't, you know, she like manipulates the words. Right. It's not even, it has so much appeal in different countries. Come on. Oh, I started doing drag in the clubs when S&M came out. You better believe every show, somebody had that red wig on and a cheap cat suit, and they were rolling around in the dirt.

Willem and Detox were in that video. It's a great song. I don't want to be basic. That's my favorite Rihanna song. That's pretty basic. Have you ever heard that song, California King Bed? It's her big ballad. It's so beautiful.

California King Bed? Yeah. And I can't sing it because we'll get caught. Oh, it's not the Take a Bow song, is it? No, it's a ballad about sleeping in a big bed. And even though you're in the same bed together, you feel really far apart. That's like Toriyama's song called China. Let's take a break.

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Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. I have something I want to talk to you about. I went to see, speaking of drag queens performing, I went to see Bob at the Troubadour like two nights, was it two nights? Two nights ago. And went in, I went the last second.

I did a really good job. How'd you secure those tickets? Bob you you contact my doctor. Okay, you invite and then Bob's assistant Kennedy reached out Kennedy Davenport Can you reach out? It's by the way, I was And I almost texted Kennedy Davenport What time should I get there? Can you get me tickets to Bob's show? Black yeah, hey, can you text her? So I get there and I walk in.

It's a really, they have a little VIP area. Oh, that's good. And I'm standing there watching the show. Bob comes out. It's an EP, so it's like six tracks. Oh, it's a music show. Yeah, yeah. It's a music show, but it's rap music, house music, R&B vibes.

Oh, cool. Six, I think six total performers. Okay. So Bob was doing numbers and then he would have other artists doing numbers. Oh, cool. As such as? I don't remember anybody's name. But I loved it. But you didn't know that you weren't familiar with them?

It was this beautiful, it was like, I mean, everybody there was either, everybody was queer or black or trans. It was like, you had to be, and the music was great. The sound was great. Bob was great. The performances, Bob's rapping was like so cunty but like comedic and like It's so long. It was at least an hour. It's only six tracks So Bob at the beginning was like y'all it's like 14 minutes of music. So bear with me here

I'm like I was like I'm flushing out the show. Otherwise, I'll be out of here in 15 minutes Bob did costume changes looked so good. Willem was there Willem has long hair and a beard what mary what mary it was why the last man the last of us it was long beard long hair he goes i'm a top now and flips his hair and i was like this is crazy the people we know are crazy upside down it was really crazy upside down naomi smalls was there with long grown-out hair everybody was looking like a it was a upside down the other mother version of themselves it was really crazy and then now that i'm not drinking i'm just keenly aware of everything and those social scenarios you know i know who's on drugs i know who's drunk and i know all of it

yeah i'm talking about it now it could be like um you're hyper aware that the sensitivity is like sharp you have to put headphones on yeah and then i just get i get more into bothering the people who are imbibing for my own enjoyment so like i'm saying actually choice of on and this rapper uh is it mikey mikey mikey angelo he's a rapper from tiktok okay he comes out he's rapping he's like 40 pounds soaking wet the twink of all twinks like he comes out and i'm saying actually choice of on i said i guess you better wrap it up huh because I was like oh Troy saw this little 40 pound year old boy come out and Troy's like well I'm 80

I'm gonna walk into the ocean goodbye you know I think we should have like a for the aging twinks I think we should have like a midsummer oh yeah jump from the thing and then somebody you know um who's like an ultimate old like a Courtney Act yeah we- Courtney Act?

Yeah. We got Courtney Act. We got that guy from Real Gays of WeHo, John Gillespie. I don't even know. I don't know anybody's name. All the old twinks are there and they all have like old, like hammers. But instead of the hammer, it's those big red shoes that are coming out. No, they fall in that.

They put the big red shoes on them. They glue a lace beard and then give them a wig and they just have long lumberjack lives. Yes. Yeah. She's got long hair and a beard? Willem? Yes.

Yes. How is that possible? It's, and you know, Willem's hair is naturally like really curly. Curly, yeah. Like Bernie Mac Peter's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So it's. She flat eyes it? No, no, no, no. I wish. I wish. With a giant like beard. So she has a big long beard, no, no, no. I wish. I wish. Like, um,

big, long beard and long curly hair. And you know, Willem's medicated at all times. So Willem's also like super high. And she says, I'm a, she's screaming.

I'm a top. And I was like, it's so crazy. I don't know if I'd be able to, that's crazy. That's too crazy for me. But some of the performers are doing that thing. I love where when they're,

when you're watching a show where people are rapping, they're often rapping over their own voice. Yes. So they can take artistic breaks to dance or do whatever and they don't have to be faithful to rapping the whole time yeah yeah and the performers do that thing where they walk around and then put the mic down and just sure serve kuntisha i love like that yeah yeah yeah i would i think lip syncing should be i i don't think anybody should sing live it's too stressful who cares yeah let, if they show up, that's them. Remember them? They sang that song.

Remember them? Yeah. That's her. That's them now. That's her. That's her. That's her. There she is.

And there she was. And there she is. And that's her. Like, just put it together. As long as they're like standing up and doing some, even just walking around. Uh huh.

We're looking amazing. What else do you want? Yeah. Seriously. It was a really fun program, though. That's good. I noticed you weren't there. I had no idea it was happening.

I was not invited. So what do you have against supporting black queer artists? Everything. White is right. Shut up. Well, I think you should send them some flowers. I think there's some accountability here, and there's a way to kind of like parlay this into a learning moment, a teachable moment.

If you would let me finish, you would realize I did something even more courageous than that the week prior. I went to Disneyland. With a child. With a four-year-old. So catch that, you hater. All this hateration is being thrown at me. The only thing worse than a child predator is a hater. A child.

How was Disney? You'd never been, have you? No. And funny that I had mentioned this plan to half a dozen people who had previously gone to Disney. Who failed to mention a very important detail about Disneyland. Some what? The no smoking policy. Oh, no.

So what happens if you're at Disney and you want to smoke? You cannot. Where do you go? You cannot. You go back to Los Angeles? You exit the park, exit the parking lot. So you know how like Six Flags, for example, will have like a little smoking area in the shadows, like tucked away so nobody sees you?

Which is like, I guess that's great. There is no such thing at Disneyland at all. Nothing of the sort. Nothing of the sort. And it's an all day affair from start to finish. Well, can I say as a smoker, if you, can you do like the patch or the gum? Does that help through the day or no? No, because I'm not on an airplane.

Like the, I could, I physically can smoke a cigarette in any place where it's not gonna, it's not gonna be an issue. I can't do that in an airplane. So the, the. You don't want to get thrown off an airplane. No, no, no. But in the air, while we're up there. You especially don't want to get thrown off in the air. But you know what I mean? I think of like, my brain goes, think about the possibilities right now. Smoking is not one of them. Not even close. But smoking at Disneyland is very possible.

Very possible. You know what I mean? So it was a little frustrating. And so I was like, okay, I guess I'm going nine hours without smoking. So that sucked. But, and I was also know what I mean? So it was a little frustrating. And so I was like, okay, I guess I'm going nine hours without smoking. So that sucked. And I was also like, I mean, I wasn't super impressed by the park. I think probably because there were so many kids. Girl. It was so many kids. I want to say two things.

I know it's Disneyland. I know it's Disneyland. I want to say that I talked a little about this and you skipped, I think, what are the two best rides. Okay. Which is Indiana Jones. Okay. It's amazing. It's like being in a movie.

Is it as a roller coaster? No, you're in a fake Jeep. Okay. There's sound, there's a giant snake, fire. The other thing that you skipped that I think is amazing is the Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, that ride is really cool. It's very ambient. Like you're in a little boat going through these scenes.

Okay. I'm sad you skipped those two. What was favorite well so space mountain was my favorite actually the first one we did and i cried uh-huh because it felt like i was like um into enter the void it was like very um very simple very simple like i'm surprised people like it it is very simple it's a it's so simple it's in the dark tunnel light the dark Yeah with little tinklies little like a dorm room tinklies. One of the first times I did edibles was Oh Disney That's and I took a little bit of a cookie. Yeah, and it hit on Indiana Jones Yeah, I would I was just like like really pulling on the DMT vape and then going to Space Mountain and that would be like Absolutely not. But how are they gonna find out out? Doesn't vape have no smell?

Vape has, did you go to the bathroom? But that's, see that, okay, that's the thing. That's what I want to, I don't like,

smoking is not like heroin. Uh huh. Where it's like, I just need my fix. It's the thing I want to do. So it's like halfway, it's like, it is like heroin in that sense.

You know what I'm saying? Because you want to do it. But the act of doing it is not shameful and I enjoy it. And I'm not, you know what I mean? Like nobody wants to see you like sticking a needle in your toe. You just need to get the heroin in there. It's not the same thing with smoking. I'm at Disney doing Trimex.

I'm on the Finding Nemo ride injecting my cock. I'm on Space Mountain in the dark with a huge bloody boner. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, I did not get a boner when I saw the Yeti. Oh, that just gave me a chill. Well, it made Graham,

my nephew who is so cute and I don't care about kids, but he is the cutest kid ever. And he looks exactly like me when I was four. Put it together. And he's cute? Yeah.

And he cried at the Yeti. It was so cute. I told him, but I told him, I was like, listen, my friend or, um,

my business partner, my business partner, who's 33, uh, cried during this too. It's a horrible ride. Yeah. When that ride,

no, it's not horrible. It's just at the end where the Yeti comes in. It's scary. It's scary. But the beginning, when you're going up and they have these effects going, yeah,

it sounds like you're on a, you know, it's cool. And they have this ice walls and you hear. Yeah. And you hear it roar. Yeah. And then I knew from that moment, I said, I hope we never see whatever that is. And also you're in this like you're not in a traditional like roller coaster amusement park. Right.

You're like in a bowl. Yeah. In this bowl. It's like a fake. You're in this bowl that has- It's like a fake bobsled. It's a fake bobsled with no like, you don't have really like a, you have nothing to like grip or like, you know what I mean?

It's very strange. You're in a bowl. It rattles a lot too. Those old rides rattle a lot. And so then the point of the ride is that a Yeti is chasing you down the mountain. Yeah. So you're going up and then you're going down.

And the animatronics on those Yetis is fierce. It's red eyes. It's huge. The sound effect of it roaring is so loud. It's so loud. And it reaches for you as you go by. I love it. I'm not being funny.

I don't be funny. I don't be funny love. By the way, I got to talk about the UK last week. I don't be funny love. That ride is horrifying. You can't, kids can't handle smoking, but they can be chased by Yetis.

Say it again. Thanks Obama. Thank you so much. Sleepy Joe. Do something about it. Yeah. Get on AOC, get involved, you know?

Yeah. I got to tell you about this though. I was flying back from the UK. I got to talk to you about British Airways. It's horrible. I think that the Brits are doing airlines like they're doing their Wi-Fi, like they're doing the air conditioning. Not at all. Yeah, they're kind of dipping in and out.

Very high standards for quality in some ways. And other qualities, you're like, hmm. Yeah. The music when you get on is like. Sure. And you're like. The stuff that doesn't fucking matter. It feels very British.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The seats in the business class, I'm not going to play them. I haven't business class. It's very lovely, but two of the seats are facing forward between the seats is a seat facing

backwards. So I am no joke. Wait, what? Okay. So two of the seats are facing forward. You and I, let's say we're both facing this way.

Yeah. And then there's a seat between those two That faces this way So I'm the middle seat I'm looking at two people looking at me And I'm trying to just play Spider-Man I'm playing Spider-Man for Steam Deck My video game is sobbing The ending was so beautiful I cried playing Spider-Man

Wait why Why is that What's the purpose of he got bit by a spider a radioactive spider so peter parker seats oh so now once it's up in the air you can push a button in these clear windows go up so it's like oh sure which i guess it's good that there's more seats available like i think it probably overall cuts the cost of first class probably makes it more accessible but these two looking, at least when you're sitting with three people, you're all looking the same direction. Two people looking right at you. And I sat down last. So these two people

are looking at me like, now you're in my bubble. And I'm like, well, here we are. That is so strange. Is that a new thing? I hope it becomes an old thing. So I got to tell you about this kid crying. It's not crying. It's not. It's the banshees at Sheeran. I would have thought that I would look back and Leatherface was back there cutting toes off one by one. This kid off and on, I would say every 45 minutes on this 10 and a half hour flight would wake up and start screaming like murder was happening. Like his mom was being stabbed by a ghost face.

How old? Maybe two. Which I think is old enough to know better. Yeah. British Airways. So screaming, screaming. I mean, I can't even do it, but it's like. It was like.

There was so much guttural effort. Yeah, emergency. It wasn't baby crying like I'm hungry Or look at me It was crying like I'm in danger Yeah yeah yeah emergency And of course flight is a little scary Is it

I mean I don't know Is it I beg to differ I almost I almost yelled a few times Shut up Oh I wish you had I was so close to going

I wish you had Shut up Like I was so close And then. You had, I was so close. And then I thought about doing like, shut up, like maybe doing a voice and then disappearing and being like, who said that? It was Dr.

Phil. And then I, when we finally got up, if you would have seen the way I looked at this baby, I couldn't say it legally. I couldn't do anything legally, but I knew what my, I knew what I was allowed to do.

When I walked by this baby, the look on my eyes was this. You're the baby. I'm me. And then this other lady is like, well, somebody had quite a ride. I said, let's not try to trivialize. No. Yeah, yeah. Don't you dare. And I know that there's going to be parents who listen who are are like you don't know what it's like to fly with the baby uh you're four

month old or whatever yeah doesn't need to see the uk they're not gonna remember no i know i know 10 and a half hours in the air with the you what would you do i think i mean sedation dentistry is the thing that happened for dentists i I mean, when... Honey? I mean... Trimax. Trimax! I wouldn't give the baby Trimax. Trimax and the vocal cords. I would give...

You know, let's say my baby has a small, you know, strawberry allergy. And maybe I just... Anaphylactic shock. Yeah. You know, and then right when we're about to... Take a seat. It's the landing. I'd be better.

Right in the knee. Right in the kneecap. I'd be a great parent Or A little cognac In a binky But that being said The more I thought about it

Of course I'm just being reactionary Yeah As a parent getting on a plane Ten and a half hours No No matter how My baby never cries You don't want to do it

No That crying's gonna happen It's I mean I don't know what you do They must feel So bad Not bad

Because they're probably like Whatever it's my baby Living my. They must feel so bad. Not bad because they're probably like, whatever. It's my baby. Live my life. They probably feel like flying is already stressful enough. And you have this. You can't even console a baby because they don't know what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I know. The baby is like, oh, I mean, nobody wants to. Yeah. They must feel they feel the worst. I would say they have to be. No, the parents. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, that parent probably just feels like everybody egg on my face. Like, like, I'm sorry. I have to. I'm the more I thought about it, the more I was like, that parent probably just feels like everybody egg on my face.

Like, I'm sorry, I have to bring my baby. I'm sorry. I hate this also, and I'm sorry, and there's nothing I can do about it. Because these babies are so young. If you're going on an international trip, I don't think you can really leave the baby. This is probably, two parents are traveling,

or it's a single parent situation. Leave the baby where? With the husband, or with the wife. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Babies on a plane are tough. You know what I thought about? I'm going to bring a newborn when I travel. One of those.

I really want one of those silicone babies. Yes. And then get a really realistic shriek that's like, shh, shh, shh, shh. And then I'm wearing the breastplate. And they go, oh, somebody's fussy. And then I pull down my cardigan my letterman jacket like my cardigan and i put my tit with the fake baby you smother the baby with the tit and i but i'm pressing the baby's face in so hard into the it's being like eclipsed or maybe i'm not sure on

how to breastfeed so i'm actually motorboating the baby and I'm like, she is spicy. I watched a dead little doc on people have those fake babies. It's so fabulous. I love it. It's fabulous. You got to YouTube it. I know. It's so,

it's so like, is that mental illness? No, I think it's like, it's like, it's like the next level of having a comfort item. This is my comfort song. This is my comfort tv show is it

i mean that seems a little diabolical to me i mean i have fashion dolls a fashion doll is a far throw from a baby doll yeah that adults with baby dolls that's a different world you're going to the supermarket and you're like right yeah yeah i don't know i mean speaking of i gotta tell you i made an extravagant purchase what i have been for a long time looking for a specific doll. Okay. How much was it? Like 20 years. No, no, no.

How much was the? I don't want to say, but I've been looking for it for a long time. You know, for Barbie collectors owning a number one Barbie from 1959 first edition. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big get. When it was created, there was maybe only hundred three hundred fifty thousand created Okay, three hundred fifty thousand. It's like a seven-year-old toy. There's not gonna be that many left

They're gonna be broken destroyed. Sure. These are items made for children to destroy. Oh, right So this is a perfect condition good condition with the packaging flawless condition my friend Bill greening who works at Barbie I said, do you know anybody who is reputable who might have a number one? He goes in for my feelers out. Months go by. I forget about it. My interests change. He texts me.

Hey, here's her number. She has one. It's in great condition. She sends me pictures. It's in amazing condition. I go, can I get one? And I didn't want to say

who I was because I didn't, what if she's homophobic or something? I don't know. So then I just, I finagle it. I get it. it's in the

mail i've never had something so expensive be in the mail i'm terrified how did you how did they send it um you don't it was like certified and you had the signature so david and i are in the hot tub we go in the hot tub for maybe 15 minutes we missed the delivery i go oh right great so then i have to go to the post office i get it it. It's in my hands. I get in the car I start screaming because it hits me. It's in here. It's mine. It's probably real. So I'm screaming. I'm going like this Screaming and Dave is like okay and we're driving home. I hope you open in the car and I have to verify whether or not It's real. Yeah There's a few ways you verify it's real there's little differences in the eye makeup differences in the quality of the plastic um those markings on the feet there's

a few ways to identify a real number one everything checks out and i'm just stunned and i've never felt so happy in my life that is fascinating and just but so if you could you could probably resell this right and it would still i I'm going to put it in a safety deposit box at the bank. Are you serious? Because if it stays cold and dry, it will stay nicest the longest. So what's the point of having it? Just, you just. I don't know.

No, really. Like what? I don't know why you have it, but I always wanted to find a good one. Because it's going to appreciate in value. Okay. It came out in... Do you look at it? You just look at it?

Yeah. When it first was sold, it was $2.50 in 1959. Some of those have sold on auction for $25,000. Holy shit. So it appreciates in value. I'm curious about like the... You don't do anything with it. You certainly don't take it out of the package.

Well, it's in the box, but dolls back then weren't like vacuum packed. They came like, here's the box. Here's the thing in it. You know, it's not like now where dolls are wrapped in plastic. You don't play with it. No, you hide it in the dark, dry and cool with silica gel and air, like a humidor, like an old cigar. Like an old cigar that you never smoke.

I think what I'm going to do is get a reproduction of it, like a newer one that looks like it, put it on display. And then when people ask, is this the original? I'm going to say, no. It's like in the Louvre where they're like, it's not the real Mona Lisa. It's not the real Mona Lisa. Right.

That's fascinating to me. I'm trying to think of something, like an object that I would get so excited over that I would never like. But I never splurge on a pointless item. So it was a big deal. I wouldn't call it pointless. I mean, certainly that reaction is something.

It felt very joyous. It felt like, it feels like meeting a celebrity. That's what it felt like when I unboxed it. It was like, it was, oh, it was Jurassic Park in the beginning. Cover it up when the helicopters come and they're the bones. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Would you ever buy, what would be an item that's like non-essential collectible relic? in the beginning cover it up when the helicopters come and they're the bones oh okay okay okay would you ever buy what would be an item that's like non-essential collectible relic i don't know well i was thinking about the that the receipt waiting for something in the mail i i when i was 95 maybe 1995 when a vhs copy of a search distillation came in the mail and i blacked out no seriously like i blacked out like and's right. Like I blacked out. And I remember I couldn't contain the excitement. And from the table to the packages on the table and then getting to- From the windows to the walls?

Yes. From the table to the VCR, I went black. Because I couldn't, I didn't make a sound. I was like- Uh-huh. How many times did you watch that movie? The tape? Are you kidding?

I mean, until it wore out. Wow. Like once a day for a while oh yeah absolutely and i did that same thing with um when i ordered on ebay the um because i missed the 2000 olympics because i was being goth and then like they know it's true but they how time consuming is that is that a rule with golf no no it's just like not go to the olymp No, it was just like incompatible. It just didn't, they didn't cross. There was no Venn diagram overlap. But I wore out those two tapes of the women, the whole women's competition in gymnastics, wore them out, watched them every morning, every morning in college.

Do you remember when you went to see Cirque du Soleil and you realized it wasn't going to happen for you? Do you remember when you went to see Cirque du Soleil and you realized it wasn't going to happen for you? Remember when you went to Cirque du Soleil at 40 and you said, oh, I don't think they are going to draft me as a young gymnast after all. Because I have zero training. I'm not the right gender. I'm not the right age. Yeah.

Huge liability. Well, I mean, I don't like. It's so crazy getting hyped up for something. Now I just try to live in the moment. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Get excited, but use your words.

Yeah. And also don't like, just, I don't ever have expectations anymore because I cried coming home from that show. You know what? People will say things like a concert, a collectible, things that don't necessarily like,

it's not worth it. If it makes you feel, it is worth it. It is worth it. If it, absolutely. Like what it's worth, what the value to you is could, it is worth it. It is worth it. If it, absolutely. Like what it's worth, what the value to you is could be,

I mean, I wouldn't go see, you know, most popular artists in concert because I want to stand up for that long. David Silver went to see Adele in Vegas and he was like, it was the best thing I've ever seen. It was so worth it. Theatrical,

gorgeous, lovely. When I saw the B-52s, when they came out, what I felt when they came out yeah and private idaho started crazy even one song was worth it worth it totally granted i got the tickets for free there you go so it was extra worth it see i spent about two thousand dollars flying everybody to go see lubbida and she wore a yellow suit um wait i wanted i wanted um continue

to talk to you about children yeah what else um I was very scared about having my nephew come visit because I don't... Did he sleep in your house? No, no, no. But no hotel, right down the street. My brother rented a big, huge car. And it was actually like, this motherfucker has so much energy.

You don't know about it. The car? No. I'm kidding. Horsepower. Yeah, this car? I i'll tell you i hit my nephew he flew he he is um he's gonna be an only child they're not having any more kids and he's very you said that like we're gonna kill the other one she's gonna be only child

we're thinking of doing the electric chair around january but he was like he'll would just run. I think my brother told me he was like, one day they took him out to a hill. He said, go run up that hill. They did like 50 times. Indefatigable is the word. Indefatigable. Well, maybe he's going to love exercise like you do. Well, I was going to say like,

you got to get him into a sport ASAP because then he's going to win a gold medal at something. He's going to win a gold medal at something. I don't think children like running, but maybe like- This one certainly does. No, like track and field. There's not like five-year-olds doing track and field. What a bummer.

But maybe like... What is it? Ninja class now. T-ball. What? What the hell is that? Young kids like that play... What's ninja class?

What's T-ball? T-balled? That's the T-ball. T-ball. What's ninja class? What's T-ball? Okay, T-ball is like baseball for kids-ball what's ninja class what's t-ball okay t-ball is like baseball for kids where no one's throwing the ball they put the ball on a thing and you hit the ball oh yeah yeah yeah so it's like you eliminate a child trying to pitch oh that makes sense that makes sense and then ninja class is like self-explanatory is it karate they're running around being ninjas

what do they do is it like intro to karate? I have no idea They're probably just running around and hitting stuff I bet it's like You bet it's assassinating political heads of state Yeah I bet you they're Right now he's tracking Marjorie Taylor Greene He blow darts in stars I bet it's like They wear like a little ninja outfit

And it's like martial arts but it's more for kids Like get on the ground and crawl across the floor And then cartwheels and like yeah it's running around a kid now no there was not one i mean i love this kid he could not be cuter he could not be funnier he um he told me he started calling me candini for out of nowhere and said i was going to jail for having a teeny weenie so when did you get naked in front of i did not get naked it was like he's like um he has this wild imagination that often involves poop and pee love is a big he's a big fan of poop i think that's normal for kids yeah absolutely and adults um kids love like the poop emoji yeah he just loves poop he's like i said what do you want on your pizza he's like poop you know things like that i love it it's great you know he's gonna get old enough that he can

come visit you was your family impressed by your beautiful home yeah my brother couldn't get enough of the outdoor situation which is what sadly was not fully done and it still is not fully done let me tell you something about being 40 years old in um up in the hills do you know what the the number one thing that catches my eye and holds my attention is? The fucking sunset. Why are people always talking about the moon? Why are people always talking about the moon? Girl, fuck her. It's the sun.

The sunset. Are you like Bird Box when you're watching it? Like your pupils turn black and you're like, oh god. It's just, I mean, it's only 20 minutes long, you 20 30 minutes it is incredible it's like these colors did you give them a tour of the property did you feel like sarah paulson and architectural digest yeah yeah sorry about my tiny home my tiny house so small

here um in a it's just it's beautiful it's so beautiful you gotta come over i know you saw it but it's that was like halfway done no. My dream is that you finish the backyard. Yeah. And then we go up to that second tier and we do a podcast from under the pergola. So that's a great idea. You know, the third tier, which wasn't even started when you got there, is done. And it's so spacious. The workout area?

Yeah. But I want it. So I talked to the contractor about putting in a tumble track. Yeah. And how dangerous that would be. I know, but it's the perfect length and you sink it into the floor. You create like a six foot ditch

and then you just... I think you better dig a six foot deep ditch, bitch, because you're going to snap that neck and we're going to have to have a service. Do you want to die? You think 40s, that you're going to start trampolining, tumbling? You live on a cliff.

You live on a cliff. Go out big, though. You know what I mean? What about rings? Get some rings. Those are pretty safe. Those are stationary. I want to tumble.

I want to fly. You know? But it was, it's, the sunsets. I'll settle for the sunset. But men have a higher center of gravity it's much more dangerous no i'm not i'm going i'm not like doing like double somersaults i'm just doing back handsprings and layouts and that's it just boopity boppity it's okay i've i've i've gone to the full i'm like jonathan van ness of the drag world oh it's very it's very level one yeah it's very level

one and with a crash pad and a fence it'd be fine but it'd probably be too expensive and nobody else could use it. That's the thing. Do you know what I mean? Like I could never be like, yeah, go up to the top floor and use the trampoline unsupervised. People would die. Not me. Your little tweaker friends?

Anybody. Anybody. Everybody would die. Mid-Ariel, inject some Trimax and come down on the neck. Dead body, hard dick. Dead body, hard dick. Can dead bodies get boners no right well rigor morris you know when I'm gone I take

the Matthew Camp doll and I put it in the chair and I face it away from the door with a blanket over it so that if someone breaks in they think someone's here it's my like when you have a home alone yeah when you have a mannequin so you can take the carpool lane Like that's what I

Cause I don't always trust my ring alarm Of course Oh my god David's sister's visiting us And just yesterday she's waiting outside our gate To like get in And some bitch out there Some lady is screaming

Fuck you bitch Fuck you bitch And Ally's like laughing And I was like Isn't this neighborhood fun Isn't this neighborhood really fun Colorful characters My god I love that

And then Brandon was outside my house Waiting for me Brandon's outside my house in the car And this lady This woman Is parked in her car And she yells to Brandon Don't worry

The cops know me They know I'm cool Brandon goes Okay And then she goes I'm not gonna show you my dick Brandon goes Holy shit Yeah Damn Well Okay. And then she goes, I'm not going to show you my dick. Brandon goes, holy shit.

Yeah. Damn. Well, if you're going to live in Hollywood, you just have to have a sense of humor and roll with the punches. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anything's possible.

Anything's possible. And everything is, um, the human shit. I know. The number of times I have by the grace of God. You must feel like a veteran, like veterinary pathologist in a way, or like, you're just like you're diagnosed, but like illnesses through.

Well, I'm taking, I'm taking a sample, you know, but I've been, I've been on track to step in the poop on projected track. The spirit of like Tom Daley, Gus Kensworth,

um, Caitlyn Jenner, every queer athlete gets inside me and buoys me that extra six inches and I just clear the shit. And I'm like, huh? This episode is about clearing the shit. But you know what though? Like if it's standard to pick up dog shit. I don't think there's an established etiquette around picking up your own human turd off of the sidewalk.

Because I assume these are dog walkers. Or like if it's good enough for the goose. I thought they were talking about human shit. No, this is human shit. Yeah. Oh, it's a dog walker. It's a dog walker who's like picking up their shit and they're like, might as well.

Take one, leave one. Because if you're going to shit somewhere where you don't want to get in trouble, you might as well do it with Hollywood Boulevard. That's true. There's no way. We can't get NCIS down here to test poop to find out who did what.

Right. You know, just try not to poop on anyone's star. Please don't poop on Barbara Streisand's star. Take two steps left of Charlie Chaplin and then take a shit. Damn. Anyway. Well, love that. Why do we always talk about shit?

I don't know. Stay tuned for the next episode about more shit. Yes. And I can't wait for your backyard to get done because we have to do a backyard episode. You got to take a shit in that, like, um,

in the backyard and I'll pick it up with my bare hands. Oh yeah. That's heavy. That about getting a, a litter box. Today's episode is brought to you by pretty letter. When you have a backyard where you're bald and you're 40 and you can't put in a trampoline,

you could die. You get a kitty litter box. Uh 40 and you can't put in a trampoline because you could die you get a kitty litter box uh maybe you can't do flips but you sure can squat and take a hot turd right in the backyard i remember in the air there was this you know uh violet's cat eugene yes um i remember there was this fierce ad violet did like a pretty litter ad and you know only violet could make litter look hot and glamorous yeah so there's a cat there's litter violet is in a corset like butthole out bent over hair flipped over like yeah and the caption's like did you know that pretty litter turns turns colors to let you know the health status of your cat i was like only It's like hot. It's like cat worms hot. Sexy and hot. Anyway. Love that. Well, okay. Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.