The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - With Love, The Balds with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

Greetings, you luminous kitchen sprites! Today, we’re embarking on a journey — not just of baking, but of awakening your lifestyle & fashion demon through the delicate magic of edible flowers. Because why just eat cake when you can also accessorize it? STEP 1: DON'T GET YOUR BEGONIAS IN A BUNCHTo avoid a trip to the E.R., avoid begonias and instead find manufactured spiritual enlightenment with freshly-picked rose petals, pansies, or marigolds. STEP 2: CLEAN THOSE FILTHY FLOWERSRinse your petals in a bowl of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani from a secret spring in France, which you can find on sale for $80,000 per bottle, as regular bottled water tastes of mediocrity. STEP 3: BAKE THAT CAKE, B**CH Today, we’re making our signature probiotic pistachio lavender cupcakes with 24-carat gold flakes, Bavarian yak yeast, and crushed rose petals. As you whip the batter, be sure to say a prayer to a deity of your choice that you'll never know the pain of living in a house smaller than 50,000 square feet. STEP 4: DECORATION AS MANIFESTATIONOnce your cupcakes are baked and cooled, it’s time to place the rose petals atop the lemon lavender frosting, pausing every few moments to reflect on your life and think of all the ways you'll spend that $100M advance from Netflix. Remember that each rose petal is like a tiny love note from your recent meditation retreat in Bali. As you serve the cupcakes, don't forget to smile through your perfectly white veneers as you assert decoration dominance over your guests. Maintain eye contact as you devour the dessert in complete and utter silence, the sound of your ever-growing investment portfolio the only music your party guests deserve. Traveling this Summer? Consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you’re away. It’s the perfect way to earn a little extra cash to put towards your next vacation fund! Your home might be worth more than you think! Find out how much at https://Airbnb.com/host Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving! Cash Back rates change daily, so see https://Rakuten.com for details. Your Cash Back really adds up! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at ⁠https://BetterHelp.com/BALD⁠ and get on your way to being your best self! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: ⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠https://trixieandkatyalive.com⁠ To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: ⁠https://workinggirlsbook.com⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for details. Well, what the fuck, bitch? Gillian Barbering. Wait a minute. Let's talk about the New Year condition. Wait, there's talk about, let's talk about the new air conditioner. Wait, there's a new air conditioner? At your home.

Oh, oh no, it's so, Is it cunty? Is it cold? Are you proud to serve it? Well, They had to airlift an air conditioner on top of your building. It was harrowing, but the man who did it, I think he is a star.

You know how sometimes you see like Barbara Streisand on stage, she gets a standing ovation? Every night. Yeah. This man needs that kind of adulation. He deserves it. Would you be willing to throw neck? Yes.

Throw neck for AC? Throw neck for AC. Actually something. I would crane my neck for AC. For the good AC. Baby, ground on me. Five-ton unit. Throw a neck for AC. Actually something. I would crane my neck for AC. For the good AC. Baby, ground on me. Five ton unit.

I'm at the end. He had to go through the wires on somebody else's driveway. It was like, it was basically like Fast and the Furious, except not a lot of movement. Right. So when most fags in West Hollywood are getting units installed on the head, you're getting units installed on top of the building. When I got brand new air conditioning, brand new central air conditioning, it was $9,000.

15, honey. They don't tell you about that. 15, well, yeah, they did tell me about it. They do tell you, and then they make sure you're okay with it and then they install it, but still. But I think in my building, they have roof access through the stairs. They didn't do a crane or anything.

They just carried it. They carried a five ton unit? The blower? The blower? The whole system. Yeah, they carried it. A five ton? Oh, it must be a different kind of unit then.

I don't know. Wasn't five ton. It's one individual unit for my condom. Oh, like a little wall, like a little, hangs out the window? No, a central air unit. Oh. But they didn't, you know.

It's crazy they had to drop it with the helicopter, dozzled life, mother fucker. It was fucking, don't it's crazy. I had to drop it with the helicopter Dazzle life. It was fucking it was nerve-racking. But let me tell you about this place. So the the I am now Fairly certain 98% sure that in a previous life. I was the only serial killer because I am In this life. This house is unclean. I saw your story last night. What's going on? The only functioning bathroom now has become non-functional.

There's a leak? Mm-hmm. A fierce one too. Like, I don't know how she materialized. I feel like she went through a wormhole because the floorboards are buckling. You're lying. I'm not lying.

I'm like, he's like, Hey, I want to show you something. I was like, something good? He's like, no. And he showed it to me and I was like, I was just in there three hours ago. I didn't notice that. It's just fierce. It's fierce.

It's fierce. You'll never buy a home again. This bitch will be renting till the day she dies. Till the day I die. And let me ask you something as a homeowner, very successful homeowner, do you think, so, I'm at the point now, like, in terms of, like, fixing the place and renovating it,

where I have to make design choices? Sure. The only exciting part of this process. Right. The only exciting part. The only... Autumn sunrise! The only fulfilling part! The only good part of it. Right.

Now, but I'm faced with a, it's like, do I make bold decisions that only I will love and that a future occupant perhaps will not love and that I'll have to change in order to sell the house? What do you, what do I do? Can I say that the musical Rent is about the trials and tribulations of trying to pay rent, but the only thing worse than that is being able to pay a mortgage for a home that's decomposing in front of you. Mama, she said it's like hiring a hooker that's dead.

Like, you didn't realize that she had no pulse and you're stuck with her the whole night? Damn. It sucks. I mean, you gotta fuck the dead body, but it's gonna be gross. No, it sucks. I mean, can I say having a landlord can suck too,

because sometimes shit breaks and they barely care. Yeah. But that also sucks. That also sucks. I've certainly been in that position. I've rented most of my life. I have to say it is a much less stressful situation because you can also,

the only thing at stake is your security deposit, your security deposit, and nobody gets that back. So just fucking do whatever. You should really make peace with the fact that you never get these true notes. Yeah. That's what I think Todd Oldham is like, you know what, do nobody gets that back. So just fucking do whatever. You should really make peace with the fact that you never get the security deposit. Yeah. You know? That's what I think Todd Oldham was like, you know what?

Do whatever you want to that place, because you're never going to get the deposit back. Amy Sedaris called it a creativity fee. Yeah, yeah. That's what, yeah. Say goodbye to it. Exactly. Shit on the walls. Shit on the walls.

And hang some pong pongs. Shit all over these walls, Ray. Yeah. So I got two black toilets coming. Now we need a third. How many bathrooms do you have? Four. You only have one functional bathroom right now? Now it's zero.

Yeah. You want to shit in my place? Gotta go outside. Find another toilet, dig a hole. Damn. Go to the Wendy's, ask for the code. I'm sorry. Yeah, it sucks.

It's, you know, it's like, it's a lemon. It's a lemon. I got a lemon. You're driving a lemon, you're living a lemon. You don't wanna drive a lemon. Who lives lemon? Yeah, you don't wanna drive a lemon because it's such danger.

Right. You know, like you're speeding down the highway at 95 miles an hour, then the car just explodes. Yeah. You know? Can I ask, what are we gonna do in Santa Barbara tonight? Oh, I don't know. Katie and I are going to Santa Barbara.

I got one joke that nobody will get. Have you ever had a 14-hour orgasm? No, I've never been to Santa Barbara. That's it. That's all I got. It's material. Well, we're going to Santa Barbara to speak to the children about their futures. Like, should we do, like, a what not to do? I think I've already done that.

A gonorrhea presentation? Like... No, I found the questions in the moderate. Like, I went through the sheet, and I was like, this is gonna be fun. found the questions in the moderate. I went through the sheet and I was like, this is gonna be fun. Because the questions that the moderator is gonna use are really good. There's usually at these college events,

there's a non-binary person who gets it, who asks funny questions. Yeah, the Q&A is only 15 minutes, but the moderated discussion is very well composed. So I'm looking forward to it. It's just a long drive. What are we gonna do in the car? I'm gonna have to finger myself.

I'm gonna let AI write it. Ran through. Oh my God, did you see, wait, did you see the secretary? Do you know Linda McMahon? No. She used to be, I believe, a manager for wrestling. WWF, Linda McMahon. Oh. what?

So she's now the Secretary of Education of the United States, which you might not know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So it went from Tracy DeVos to... Promoter, Linda McMahon, from WWF videos of people hitting each other with chairs and stuff. You can't think of, I mean, what better candidate could you think of?

We long for the days of Betsy DeVos. Yeah, she's like- We miss how on the ball she was. Overqualified. My God, because she watched, you know, a show about a teacher once. Yeah. So now we've got Linda McMahon,

who I guess whenever she needs to solve a problem is gonna hit someone with a chair. Suplex. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. She's gonna jump off the ring. She's gonna climb to the top of something and jump off. So I brought an audio for you because this is Linda McMahon

who is now our Secretary of Education of the United States. And she is on the world stage discussing the involvement of AI, artificial intelligence, right? And she gets on the microphone and she talks about it. And I swear to God, I swear to God in front of the world This is what she says Pre-case have a one teaching you know every year starting you know that far down in the grades now Okay, let's do see a one and how and how can that be helpful?

How can it be helpful in one-on-one instruction first graders? What she's calling it a one she doesn't even know that it's AI. Swear to God, swear to God. A one steak sauce. You know, every year starting, you know, secretary of education, a one steak sauce. Okay. Let's do CA one and how, and how can that be?

She's she wants steak sauce. She's saying maybe we should, you know, embrace. I think she's trying to say kind of embrace AI and let it do some of our pre-K teaching. We should also spray some chat DDT on some people. Like what the, that's, that for real. The secretary of education of the United States. Can't read.

Can't. Doesn't even bother to brief themselves on what AI is. Not only what it stands for, but what is the difference between I and one? I mean, I can't tell. We live in the worst timeline possible. And sometimes things like that happen. And I'm like, maybe you and I are geniuses.

Yeah, maybe the dark ages were onto something. Turn the lights off. Turn the leagues around, Dina. Maybe those, that 1200, yeah, maybe. Do you know how bad I wish the aliens would show up and like signs they would pick me up with the wrist with the little poison right in the face. Just kill me.

Yeah. Just kill me. Rip my face off. Where's that chimp? Get that chimp to just rip my fucking face off. And you know, I always wanted to go to Santa Barbara. You did? But I don't think we're gonna have the experience I wanted

because I wanted gorgeous beaches. Oh, you want big little lies. I wanted to go sit on a porch and have a, like a wine gem. Yes, you wanted to sprinkle some dried flowers. 100%. I wanted to use kind of like spices and kind of wear an afghan and write a book. And instead we're going to the college.

Oh shit. I want to share something too, but maybe I should just shut the fuck up about Meghan Markle. No, let's go for it. Okay, okay. So I'm obsessed with Meghan Markle. And, you know, ironically, of course. It's just so diabolical.

These email addresses that sort of like names again that you would never guess that I will give them at some point in their lives when they're older. But before I go to bed almost every night, I email them. Wow. I email because it doesn't have to be a heavy lift and you email them like, here's your report card from today. Oh my gosh, was it the funniest thing this morning? Or here's a picture of you two having breakfast or here's you playing with the the things that you're not going to frame,

the things that you're not going to put pen to paper in a journal, but they will end up one at one point in their life, maybe when they're 16 or when they're 18, that I say, here's an email that I've been keeping for you. I have full body chills right now for your whole life. Well, okay. Can I say I think that what she's doing is kind of sweet, but full body chills? What happens if you fuck you explode? I have full body chills. The one it's not. My problem with Meghan Markle is it's not her.

It's this culture around her that allows her to be front and center. That host should be sent to prison. Full body chills. I have chills. Full body chills. I have chills. From emails that you're sending your future children, your children in the future. The other one was when she was talking about

the magic of sprinkling dried flowers over everything. Sometimes you just need a little magic in your life. And the... These bitches want to be Martha Stewart so bad. Mama, they want you so bad and they will never. I was watching this Martha Stewart clip the other day and she took, she served chilled vodka. And she took an emptied out milk crate, like not wooden, paper milk crate, right? Old style. And then she put a bottle of vodka in there and filled it to the top with water and put in flowers.

So then when she was serving it, she's serving a bottle of vodka frozen in a block of ice with dried, with flowers in it. Wow. I have full body chills. That's a cunty way, but I think that's a cunty way to serve vodka. And frankly, Martha is doing it in the way that the girls, the, the, the, the Markles can can't it's not Markle Stewart. No No, and I suffered through a couple of episodes of her Netflix show the one the episode with Mindy Kaling is so It's so challenging to watch

And they basically they're they're creating like a princess tea party and there are no children in the episode at all. So it's these two grown women in this like ridiculously ornate, you know, set. And of course this is all happening in her home which is not her home. Right. It is just so wild. It's like, it's just so extravagant.

It's so useless. It's so like frivolous, but it's, yeah. It made me appreciate Martha Stewart so much. Martha is an expert. She is, and she makes things accessible. I guess what I like about her is she's saying, I am fancy and I'm gonna show you how to make something fancy for you,

even if you don't have the money to pay for it. You can do it yourself. Yeah. I guess I have to ask. Also, I love her. She's fucking funny. What is Meghan Markle giving us? So it's...

What are we receiving? We're receiving a person who is editing and directing themselves so fiercely that they're like... I wish I could tell her, just be a princess. Be unrelatable. Be extravagant. Be like, untouchable. Because essentially, that's the life you're living, I wish I could tell her, just be a princess. Be unrelatable. Be extravagant. Be like untouchable.

Because essentially that's the life you're living. This extremely wealthy privileged life. Princess. Right. You know, Duchess of Sussex, whatever. And, but she's trying so hard to be like a normal person. Right. And this is the way that I talk.

And I just found that so interesting. And I just wanted to connect to some magic. You know, it's giving Reiki. It's very one of the LA. Without any of the mystery, without any of the mystery, because it's all like just, it's all very real stuff. You know, I take some dried flower petals

and I sprinkle them over everything just to add a little magic. It's giving past life. It's giving new jerk off session. It's giving new jerk off in the woods. You're giving it too much credit. It's giving too much. It's giving, but also not anything at the same time. It's giving new jerk off session. It's giving new jerk off in the woods. You're giving it too much credit. It's giving too much. It's giving, but also not anything at the same time.

It's wild. Well, don't you think Paris kind of did that well, which is like her kind of cooking, kind of pretending to cook with celebrity people in one set. Plenty of people have done that. I think even Selena Gomez did that, but they never positioned themselves as experts or like tastemakers really. They were like, I'm famous. I have some famous friends who really know how to cook.

Here they come. Let's do it. Sure. But it was like, Oh my God. It was so wild. It's when there's a scene where Mindy Kaling asks Megan what she's wearing. And the way that she describes her wardrobe. I, I almost like took a gun, I almost went to Burbank to buy a gun and put it in my mouth. It was really wild. It's really wild. Also, she and her husband, Harry, mama, the one thing I like about them,

grift. They got so much money from Spotify and Netflix and are just like... Vibing. Vibing. That's what I hate. Whenever I get money from people, I always have to do something.

Yeah. How do we stop that, break the cycle of abuse? I don't know. How do we stop that? I don't know. I think we've got to move to Montecito and start wearing linens in beige, beige linens. It's awful.

Sprinkling flowers. Today's my day off because I'm not in drag. This is not a day off. Tell us what the powers that be. This is work. Tell us what the powers that be. This is work. Tell us what the powers that be. Tell us what the powers that be. Tell us what the powers that be. It's all fucked up.

Have you tried sprinkling dried flowers? Girl, I slammed a Celsius today, got on the treadmill, opened up a Zoom meeting, and it turned out I said, what? Oh my god! See, that's the kind of activity that they're getting paid for but not doing. Girl, no. I opened up the Zoom.

I said, I want to know about the dicks who did this and the cunts responsible. Like, I was like, you know, ugh! Ah! I want to kick somebody. What about Phoebe Waller-Bridge? Like, 20 million. Who is that?

Oh! Ah! Ah! Who is that? Phoebe Waller-Bridge? Pick a name, ho. Pick a name. She created Fleabag. Oh my God. Oh. Killing Eve. Yeah, she's so pretty. I know that is.

Yeah, lovely gal. Fleabag incredible. Killing Eve incredible. Got, like Ryan Murphy. So Ryan Murphy, as you know, like received an $800 billion deal from Netflix and then produced 14,000 shows. Yeah. Right? She received a similar package from Amazon to do a Laura Croft Tomb Raider thing and it's just not happening. Love. It's so cunty.

Stop stepping on my neck. How come when Netflix gives us money, we have to go there? People, these hoes right here stepping on my neck, taking my shine and- Development deals? Yeah. Give me the money to not do something. That's what I was built for. This week's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Noom.

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Oh, speaking of, Hacks t-shirt. Oh, yes! Listen, are you watching? I'm watching the new season. You're mad. I'm not mad. I just, I don't love it when their relationship is so adversarial.

It's, it's, it's distressing. Yeah. It makes me upset when they fight. Makes me upset too. And I don't love, like, they're such a good team. If anything, I wanted them to lez out, as many viewers did. They do?

Are you kidding me? Well, lesbians love the old young thing. They love the old young thing. Sarahz out, as many viewers did. They do? Are you kidding me? Well, lesbians love the old young thing. They love the old young thing. Sarah Paulson, Hall and Tunnel. The lesbians love, like, the, um, I'm your mom. Suck on this titty. I think we could safely say that everybody loves that. Right, no, right.

Older women, age play, age gaps, certainly turn a lot of people on. What rich straight men go, let's get me with an older gal. Who fucking says that? Yeah, they're like, let me see some of my peers. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I think they don't even, it's like the dogs can't hear a certain tone. That's like men can't see a certain age. They're just invisible. How do I get me and three friends tickets to Beyonce? This is a great question. I'm so glad you asked. You're getting on the phone, you're making, you're pulling strings. How do I get me and three friends tickets to Beyonce? This is a great question. I'm so glad you asked.

You're getting on the phone, you're making, you're pulling strings. What? You're pulling strings. You're calling the most wealthy or well-connected person you know and say, hey, remember when I did that thing for you? It's time to pay back, bitch. Where are them tickets at? And then you hang up and you call the next one.

It's going to take a few tries. Drew Ofualla was like, oh, here's who you should DM this big company. That's what I did. I said, great. And I DM them and they didn't respond. So now what? You were on stage with Madonna. You were on stage with Madonna.

Call her up. I think is I like Beyonce. I don't like concerts in general, but I'm trying to show my group a good time. Yeah. I am not getting a standing seat. I won't be doing this. Sweetie. I'm not in the show. No.. I won't be doing this. Sweetie.

I'm not in the show. No. People love to stand next to the stage and stand. You're not in the show, bitch. And also, for quite a while. Hours. Hours before it begins. Oh, hours.

Yeah, I'm too old for that. I can't do it. People come to Solid Pink Disco at doors, and they stand for five hours. They love it. I was never that person. No, I've never been either. I went to the only concerts I can think of.

I've had the, I need to sit. I'm old. Old man, rickety bones and stuff. I don't know. Also mosh pits. And comments, I want to get up and pee. I want a snack. When I saw Cali Manoga, I was in the box with Rimmel,

and I got free pizza and as many drinks they wanted, and I have to get up. It was like, this is amazing. Yeah, same, I didn't get the pizza, Jesus. But like, got to sit down. Rimmel and I got free pizza and as many drinks they wanted and I have to get up It was like this amazing. Yeah, same. I didn't get the pizza Jesus, but like got through with the pizza God think poor enough for Rimmel Pouring off a Rimmel the multitasker concealer. I think I might be wearing that for my car. You are too. It's gone. Thank you Girl, what are we doing? We had so much to talk about. Don't hold it against me.

You gotta move on. Can we tell the girls about Coachella? Yes. By the time this comes out, it was 8 months ago. But who cares? We'd love to revisit. Coachella, it was a whole spiel getting out there. There was a whole drama of... The sound tech said to me, well, did you get our dimensions for our,

I forget what they call it, bit mapping for your visuals so that they match, I said, no. Formatting, formatting. No, and I looked around at managers, agents, producers, I said, Beuler, and they were all like, surprise. Never opened up a Photoshop, don't know what, but After Effects, never even seen a computer. No, so then I like freaking out

because I'm like, none of my visuals are gonna match these giant screens, great. So I'm freaking out, but then I have like freaking out because I'm like, none of my visuals are going to match these giant screens. Great. So I'm freaking out. But then I have to go get in drag. So I just have to, I practice what I think as a performer is really important, which is radical acceptance. And I had to just go, at the end of today,

I will have been in a wig and music will have been played. Yeah. And $400 hot dogs will have been eaten. Yeah. So let's just do it. So I went and got in drag. I did my lovely little video I was working on, went, you know, you know, did the show and for my hour long set,

I ran the visuals off the computer while I DJed. So I'm running the visuals on the screen and playing the songs, whatever. Went so well. The energy was so good. It was 98 degrees, 98 degrees, but it actually was so dry. It wasn't that bad, if you can imagine.

I can't imagine. Also, you're on stage, which is probably the place to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not in a sea of people. I guarantee the people in the audience are hotter. Yeah, sweating butts off. If you're on the stage, you're getting a breeze. The Doo-Lab stage was beautiful.

All the pictures, the flowing fabrics. It looks sensational. What a career highlight. It went so well. Career highlight. And I, you know, did it for the glory. And it got- Not the paycheck.

Yes, and it got wonderful coverage with wonderful photos. I was so happy. And I loved, I mean, I think the most important thing to come out of it, I think we can all agree, is that you were the face of that article. I was the-

That was- The, there, bitch. An article came out that said, like, Coachella goers pissed over $100 meals. And the picture is me from the back. From the back! This response, yeah. Local bigo.

Can't get catered by this fat pig. Get out here, bitch. This is a woman who paid $100 for a hot dog in the desert. Did you have $200 water? Will this pig... Can, yeah, yeah. Can I tell you what else happened? Oh, God. We got this amazing new costume from Amy,

this painted on pleather. It was so cool, fit like a glove. We go to zip it for the first time. The zipper, I haven't even worn it yet. It's not even on my body. We did one fitting. It's not even on my body. We zip it down, the zipper goes off the track,

it hits the ground. I'm on the tour bus, the show's in 20 minutes. I go. So then I put on a real corset under it. And then the one in the costume becomes just decorative. So luckily we had a corset or it would not have fit. Cause you know. What would you have done?

Nude. I brought back up costumes. But I had that made for Coachella. But I did see videos on TikTok of straight people watching me filming themselves going, bleh, and throwing shoes and stuff. Throwing shoes? Like, shut up, fag and abler, like, you know, men.

Fag and abler? Like groups of like college age Caucasian men being like, making a scene out of like, since you're on stage and I'm here, I have to cheat out to the group and go like, bleh. Yeah, just so you all know, that's gross. Right. And I would never suck a guy's dick.

Certainly never fondle his balls. Yeah. Or eat his ass. But I would say to them, one of us is paying to be here and the other one of us has a free acai bowl waiting for them off stage. So who's the winner? Who's the winner? The devil laughs.

Oh, the devil laughs. I got a free veggie burger. And I went up and I said this. Where? By the do-lab stage. Oh, okay. I said this veggie burger was really good. And this evil twink turns around and goes,

really? I don't even know what I'm doing. I go, work. But also the truth is with veggie burgers, you can't poison someone. No. Worst thing that can happen is it's too cooked or not cooked enough, but it was delicious.

It's vegetables. I haven't had a burger without cheese in a long time. Just the bun and the, get the cheese out of here. Thank you. For a second. Thank you. It was really good. Oh my God, I feel so seen. Yeah.

I'm the only person I know on this planet Earth who will only eat a hamburger with nothing on it. Honestly, I'm maybe a convert. It was delicious. What else do you need? You gotta, if the meat is quality. But you know how people are, they don't just wanna have sex.

They want the finger up the butt, they want the cocaine, they want all of it. You know what I mean? Everybody's so extra. I'll take the sex minus the finger, minus the cocaine, just get to me. My version of that is, if I'm gonna eat three bowls of Fruity Pebbles,

I'm gonna get absurdly high first. Okay. I bought something from Marijuana Store gonna get absurdly high first. Okay. I bought something from a marijuana store called Kush. Kush. Kush. Kush. I'm gonna tell you, it's not marijuana, it's crazier. Yeah, it's...

Do you know about this? Yeah. Kush. Is it Kush? Is it Kush? Kush. Kush. Hello Kush.

It's Kush. Kush. Kush, yeah. They sell it at the weed store, but it's weed on weed. Yeah. It's's weed on weed. It's when weed smokes weed. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like infused weed infused with weed. Yeah, it was not normal.

And it's the length of a dog walker or shorty. But it was not, it was, it was extra strength Tylenol. Oh, no, I sit this, this far from my 85 inch TV and play PlayStation It's so sad It's so sad the way I spend my time and when I get this busy I get mad and I I'm part of me rebels. It goes. I don't give after work. I'm a second thing I'm gonna stay up late fuck everybody and then the next day guess who pays for it me

me Love that shit wake up. Oh, how do go to PT this morning for my back the fuck. Oh I always think parent teachers, but you're not You're here three kids. I do go to parent teacher conference. How is physical therapy? Is it doing anything? Well, I'm so much better. I feel bad because my back got so much better But you so you're just going out of guilt Well that the PT person said it happens a lot, people. Go to PT, by the time they get there,

their pain is resolved. So they just say they stop going. They said that, the guy says, do you do drag? I said, yeah. He goes, you wear big heavy wigs. I said, yeah. He said, a lot of your muscles here feel like they're really overworked and over this.

Probably from heavy hair. Throwing neck. With that wig on. Throwing neck. Throwing neck. With that wig on. Throwing neck. So now if you come see me DJ, you might see me kind of the grudge. Just doing a release. No, no, no, no, no, no, I got it.

You take very clear fishing wire, hang the wig. You stand right under it. Punty. Have you seen these memes of RuPaul where people are saying she looks like a bald woman standing in front of a wig? I don't need to see the memes, I watch the show. Yeah where people are saying she looks like a bald woman standing in front of a wig? I don't even see the memes. I watch the show. Yeah!

That's what she looks like. I never thought that. But maybe I'll pay attention. It's wild. All I think about is that's a man's, lovely woman, bald headed, standing in front of a wig. Because it's a perfect circle. Quite high on the head, right on the top. That's what it looks like. Yeah. Quite high on the head, right on the top. You know, that's what it looks like. She couldn't be, she couldn't ever do a widow's peak

or a little ventilation up there, she said in a way. Not on my watch. It's because they're letting the A1 do the hairline. The A1. A1, the secretary of education. A1, steak sauce. You're not only not qualified, you're gonna go out there and say A1?

Can I tell you what happened to me in the car? It's like Versace. Versace. It's like, I'm the head of Givenchy. I used to work for Versace. It's like... This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Subscribe to Evolution of a Snake for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're currently listening. You can also find new episodes on the Swiftologist YouTube channel. We were just in the stunning Connecticut, Hartford, Connecticut. Yukon. I thought Yukon was cunt. I had so much fun at that show. It was such a fun show. College shows are usually like,

all right, this could be awkward, so I'm just gonna have to go out there guns a blazing because if it's weird, it's gonna get worse so I'm just gonna have to go out there guns a blazing because if it's weird, it's gonna get worse. So you have to actually start so. I loved it, I loved that show. And you gotta get that play there and keep spinning it. Whereas at normal shows, people are drunk and adult gays,

it's like, okay. And there's a huge mixture. This is like a pretty specific age range. And some of them don't drink. Yeah, and it's also what? And what is drinking for Gen Z, a thimble of Boone's Farm? Yeah, they're not drinking, they're not having sex. Nope.

That was great. I loved that show, but I did not love the, um... I don't say the Hartford would be my choice of, um... My first choice of, like, retiring there and living forever. Baby, when we got back to the hotel, can I say... The Hartford, right? Hartford, yeah. Yeah. I went to a bar called, uh, the, the pig's eye. Pig's die?

The pig's eye, I think. And it was like very pig themed, lots of pig type stuff. So I had my one little drink there and I was like, you know, this is a lovely heterosexual mixing event. Great for that. Went down the street to a bar called The Lady. Cause I thought, I don't want to go to gay bar tonight. I don't really feel like being fanned. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's okay to go support the straight bars, right? They have, straight people have so little in this world.

So I go down to The Lady, cause I thought, well, it's for me. Yeah. These straight people are not just drinking. They are throwing ass on a level I've never seen in a straight bar. Throwing ass. We're talking like,

Dancing Queen playing. The DJ playing Dancing Queen while straight people are on the stage, like one foot up, like, like, the waves keep on crashing on me for some reason. It was so crazy. I love that.

That sounds like fun. I walked in and I was like, what? And all these straight girls and straight guys. No, did they know who you were? It was like a bomb went off. You would have thought that Mary Kay Letourneau or Julia Louise Dryfus or Ellen DeGeneres was there. The three most famous people I could think of. The three most sought after people in the world.

Ah, A-list. So... Mary-Kayla Turner. I don't even know who that is. She's a raper. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. I didn't know. Sorry.

She's infamous, not famous. Is that the person who slept with the element? Yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. She's a groomer. It's okay. She's fierce. Iconic. I watched that movie, Made Assembler. Yeah, that's sorry, sorry. She's a groomer. It's okay. She's fierce, iconic. I watched that movie, Made Assembler.

Yeah, that's basically that tea. That's the first time I've seen a sex scene where the guy gets off the woman and she uses a towel to wipe the pussy. In the hard dick! No, not just that. Oh yeah. She gives her a towel and she wipes the pussy.

She wipes the pussy and he retreats with a visible turgid member. Crazy. Charles Melton. Crazy. Charles Melton. Crazy. Thank you. Okay, so I've met the lady and I'm like, this is crazy. The bartenders there are,

whenever young gals are dressed up for bartending, I always appreciate that. Because before they went to the bartending shift, they put on, these girls had on little corsets and lashes and like little little fuck me mini skirts I was like, this is amazing, right? and so the people keep coming up and taking pictures a lot like I'd like like like Two dozen people it was crazy. Wow, and then the boyfriends are drunk and they're doing this shit

Hey, like my I don't know who you are But like my girl will like you and like she showed me some of your stuff just now on her phone. I just really respect it. I'm like, I know that this is huge for you, but get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I went to a pizza shop filled with ornery townsfolk. It was not my crowd.

But sure enough, one girl behind the counter starts to have a heart attack, because I'm there. Oh, I thought it was a real heart attack and you were acting annoyed. Because you can't get your food, you fucking cunt. No, but I'm like, I'm trying to keep a low profile because it looks like there's a lot of homophobia. A lot of homophobia in the air.

I was going to eat there, but took it to go. How did you walk in? Well, I walked in like this. Right? You had on like an old Mary hoop skirt. You fucking bitch. Yeah. And then, you know, she starts screaming. And like this, right? You had on like an old Mary hoops skirt. You fucking bitch. But, and then, you know, she starts screaming.

She starts screaming a little bit of crying. And I'm like, oh gosh. I got one better for you, what happened to the lady. This gal, lovely gal, if this is you, she came up and she did what the drunk girls do, which is wait. Oh my God, shut up, wait. No, no, stop it, wait.

And nothing happens. And they're telling you to stop, but you're not doing anything. So there's just nothing happening. And then she starts sobbing. And then she starts saying she's sorry. The crying and the sorry is a cycle. I'm sorry I'm crying. And now I'm crying, it makes me more sorry.

And now I'm crying. And also like, I didn't want to do this, but it's like, well, you're doing it. You're here. I think that, you know. So then I go to play pool and the gal sits on the bench and watches the pool and cries. So I'm playing pool and she's just sitting and crying.

I was like, I can't tell if I'm ruining your night. Am I ruining your night? I'm sorry. I was like, did I derail her evening? I felt bad. Do you think there's something particular about us or drag queen or... What is it about us or is it like drag queens that make us so approachable and touchable? Touchable, specifically.

I don't know. Because people don't have any, or people don't seem to have any qualms about jumping in front of me, screaming in my face, and then like grab me by the neck. You know what I mean? Things like that.

Like it's a very, like once they clock this, once I'm clocked, it's claws in. Right. And they don't, there's no hesitation. Clocky. And sometimes, clocky. Very clocky. Protect the bricks. Clocky. Clocky. Very clacky. Protect the bricks.

Bricky lake. Bricky lake. This is bricky lake, honey. Clocky with a tampon in. Clocky with a tampon in. When somebody cries like that, I think, have I ruined your evening or made you evening? I don't know. Like what happened?

Did I kill your dad? Like what's going on? But I'm just curious about the like, the, I don't know. Maybe because I used to be a shy person, I just don't get it. Because even if I saw Julia Roberts or whatever, I would be like, I'd be like, ugh. But then, then it's like a... Remember when you saw J.Lo at the gym?

Do you think I talked to her? Do you think I said a damn word to her? I was internally screeching for 45 minutes. I tried not to look at her. I mean, if there ever was an intimate, if there ever were... I would go inside, oh my God, it's Chalo. But I wouldn't say hi.

No, no, no, but I mean, think about this. It's a room like twice as big as this, and there's just four of us. So it would have been like, it could have happened, but I didn't do it. Because it's Chalo. Also, if it's actually my favorite artist of that kind, It would have been like, it could have happened, but I didn't do it. Cause it's Chalo. Also, if it's actually my favorite artist of that kind,

like if I actually saw, I don't know, a designer I really like or whatever, I might say, oh my God, I love, but coming up because I know that you're famous and I found you, that's something I wouldn't do? Yeah, and also I really, people just really die and they get something on their Instagram. You're like a Pokemon.

Well, I've started offering the picture because I know they want it and they feel awkward. I know, it's a good way. I just wanna help. You know what I am impressed by though, because I, before all this Drag Race stuff, I'm definitely a person who has a lot of social anxiety, afraid of people, don't know how to talk,

don't know how to talk on the phone. You think that that's different now? Before this Drag Race stuff, they gave you a personality shift? No, no. But so like, I am amazed at the chutzpah that these people demonstrate when they're clearly socially anxious and not very adept at these kind of interactions. But they fly into them head first.

And then just, and then it's so awkward. It's so awkward that, like you said, I just say, hey, you wanna take a picture? And you have to kind of navigate them and then... It's hard when you're excited. Like when I asked Cynthia Rebo, I told her she's gonna have a great year. You know, like I've been on the end of that

where you can't count on yourself to actually say what you come across the way you hope. Like that's with Calista Flockhart behind the, at the end of Oh Mary. Oh my God. I was not exactly my best self, but I certainly didn't throttle her at the neck. No, you were like, hi, I'm Katya.

And she goes, I'm Calista. And you turned and it was almost like a, I couldn't help but wonder. You were like, hi, I'm Katya. And she goes, I'm Kalista. And you turned and it was almost like a, I couldn't help but wonder. You were like. And then you turned to me and you go. And I go, yeah. But also the other Kalista Flonkart. They had told me she was back there.

Oh really? So I knew. I went in and watched, we visited a few clips of Ali McBeal. There's a scene where in the bathroom, in the unisex bathroom, she, Lucy Liu, Jane Krakowski, or no, Portia de Rossi. There's a big cat fight on the floor.

There's a big fist fight. You told me about that. It's so great. And that movie that I used to watch Ally McBeal. Is it a dream sequence or they really fight? No, they really fight. Oh shit. It's Conti.

Yeah, took place in Boston, Boston really fight. Oh shit. It's CUNTY. Yeah. Took place in Boston. Boston law firm. Boston Legal. Exactly. Is that a show? Yeah, that came right after Ally McBeal. People nut for Boston. Yeah.

I don't know what... Oh. Oh. Just got a call. Oh. Shit. Oh! It's like super short though.

Do it and we'll come back. It's not time yet. They're gonna call me. So I'm gonna leave my phone on it. We can talk till they call. Okay. Besides, two weeks ago. It's not time yet. They're going to call me. So I'm going to leave my phone on it. We can talk till they call. Besides two weeks ago, this doctor had a follow up and didn't call at all. So they might not call today.

They called me yesterday night and said we're rescheduling for tomorrow for a phone call. I said great. Because he's in surgery. Oh shit. Surgery. Well, surgery is probably more important. I don't know. We're making people cry.

It's also dermatologists. What could happen? Why are dermatologists the most elusive medical practitioners on this earth? Don't even get me started. There are three of them in this country. It's Larry Saperstein. If you could get the next available appointment for a dermatology is inevitably- Is in 2026. Three years from now.

And you need to take the Blue Origin to get to it. They're like, how's Tuesday? Of next year. No, literally. It's not, I know. Literally. I mean, I'm crying in the parking lot with a face full of rosacea on the phone

and they won't see me. I do like this dermatologist a lot. He has been very helpful. Cause I mean, I get these- Do they even exist? I get these dry rashes now from doing drag. My body has started to reject makeup and shaving. So now after getting out of drag, my eyebrows are all red.

My chin is all red. Do you ever get dandruff under your eyebrows, which I do. I have it now. I do all the time. I think it's from drag. Yeah, it's crazy. I think it's from the glue. Oh.

You're not supposed to be gluing your eyebrows down. That's true. It's not, give me the God's country. We're also not supposed to be packing our pores in with red dyes and all that crap. No, and I like this doctor. They got me on the enzymes. Do you know about this?

Extreme peptides? Swat? Maybe, yes. No. Injectable enzyme, peptide enzyme things. Yeah, what are you taking? Um, I don't even know what they're called. Well, there's one melani-

I amosin. Okay. And BP175, I don't know. What is it? Dantec 75. What is it doing? It's one of the side effects. It's supposed to help with my skin, but they also said-

Does it give you boners? No, they said that it would help regulate my immune system response. And my arthritis is gone. You're kidding. I'm dead serious. I've been able to run two or three miles a day. Pouring out for BK175 or whatever. I've been able to run two or three miles a day without any pain whatsoever.

This took how long to discover so many years of arthritis? Like a year. Oh. Not bad. But also, did I tell you I started injecting my own drugs now? Yeah, welcome to the dark side. But look, can I show you? started injecting my own drugs now? Yeah, welcome to the dark side. But look, can I show you? It get bruised. Oh shit. Now what kind of, are these the little guys or those crazy scimia, scimia needles?

These new ones are those little diabetic cat needles. Which you really can't feel it. No, it's like you pinch the fat, it's like whatever. 45 degree, dart-like motion. If you do it like it says, you don't feel it. You don't feel it, but it's crazy that you don't feel it, right? It freaked me out. It's crazy, and you do have to sort of remove yourself that it's your body, and you have to focus on just the jab. Yeah, it's so weird. It's weird. And my sharps container is just full of needles. I said, okay, losing Isaiah. Okay, Philadelphia. Girl. Okay, um, a Requiem for a Dream. Yeah, I don't know. I hope nobody ever has to go to a...

Dermatologist. Dermatologist because you will be solving riddles to get there. And left unread for years. You will be climbing over a rainbow. And they will be... What about this? The Bridge Joel.

Had to go get an MRI the other day. Really? They made me go to Santa Monica. It took an hour to get there. They made me go to Santa Monica. It took an hour to get there. I have a new book recommendation. What you got there, good? I'm reading this book by Grady Hendricks, who I love,

and it's called, Witchcraft for Wayward Girls. Oh, sounds young adult. It's not. Okay. We're gonna pause. Okay, pause. Talk to the dermatologist. They said just take your face off, throw it on the ground, ugly.

Yeah, they said throw a, shove a nuke up your pussy. Shove a nuke up my pussy. Sorry, I gotta say. The entire medical complex is waiting. It's waiting and paying. Yeah, it's- It's waiting and paying.

It's a lot of money. It's not a lot of... Can we talk about when you go somewhere and they make you fill out a clipboard of medical and every single piece of paper has name and birthday on it. Aren't we past that? We have A1. You know what I mean? Like, just use A1.

Use chat DDT. Not to mention it's like, what's your birthday? Do you have Google Ho? Like... I'm on IMDB. I can't. I just shoved a nuke up my pussy. All the waiting.

Yeah. I mean, well, when healthcare is business. I don't like it. Then you get all these concierge services for the ultra rich, whatever. It's like you, the only way you get good healthcare in this country is being dirt poor or filthy rich. Have you noticed that? It's crazy. Nothing in between. We don't talk about poverty in this country. What's that? We don't talk about poverty. No, because we demonize it. We actually make it illegal. All politicians talk about is the middle class

We're working. Which way do you know how many people are below middle class bitch where? also, you know what I am just like I've kind of had it a lot of Put it up your ass shove a nuke up your pussy shove a nuke up your pussy Like I was watching Bernie see what clip of Bernie Sanders, I was like, you talk a lot. You talk a lot about great stuff. Where's, like, make it happen. Well, you know that, I mean, we're, I think we're,

I think we're circling the drain as far as we have to, we have to retire ourselves as the country, the party that does nothing. The Democrats love to talk. Chat. They love to chat. Chit or chatter. On a website, ASL.

Remember chat rooms? You know what I love? Age, sex, location? Yes. I love on the news when older people who are news people are talking about some kind of new thing. It's called boofing. We checked in with a high school mom to tell us more about boofing. Jessica has just shoved a nuke up her pussy.

Online, not what you'd think. They're called chat websites, and they become a portal for pedophiles to talk to young Americans. Yeah, it's called Discord, and it's where you can get called a faggot no matter what time of day it is. Girl, I was watching this TikTok

and they were saying that we're the last generation. It was like, you think we don't know about cringe? We've been on every... Mama. We've been on every social media platform since it was invented. Sweetie had a MySpace page. What do these whores know about learning?

Learning HTML. Honey. So that you can have Pony Genuine playing on your homepage. I had a welcome to my page mix. I also had to choose eight of my best friends to feature on my top eight. And that was serious. Yeah, because I only had four. Remember Tom?

Tom from My Space? What's she up to? Mama, she's nothing good. She just shoved a nuke up her pussy. She just shoved a nuke up her pussy. Yeah, it has to be. I think probably she sold her thing to Zuckerberg or whatever. Who knows?

You know what else I want to really bring back? Remember that audio of Milani being like, what the fuck do we have to do Christmas? Yeah, what the fuck is this Christmas? I don't know these kids. Love that shit. to Zuckerberg or whatever. Who knows? Do you know what else I wanna really bring back? Do you remember that audio of Melania being like, what the fuck do we have to do Christmas? Love that shit. What the fuck is this Christmas? I don't know these kids. Love that shit.

That's me in my basement trying to find my Christmas tree. Why do I have to give a fuck about that Christmas? Do you think I'm gonna, let me ask you something. You think I'm gonna put up a Christmas tree and string those lights and plug them into the wall, knowing what I know now about what that means. Right. You think I fell out? You think you fell out of a coconut tree?

A Christmas tree? Bitch, I am not doing anything. I might put the tree up naked, unafraid, bare, no light, no light. No remnants? Maybe I'll just sh... I'll just... Every single fucking ornament I can find and then every rubber band and piece of shit trash in my house, I'll just put there.

I'll throw spit balls at it. I'll just have spit trash trees. Like you ate a banana and hanged the peel on it? Yes. Like that is so crazy. That would be kind of cunt though. One of our managers just gave me a tree topper. They said this has been sitting in our house

since last holiday season. Was it that crazy RuPaul one? No, it's a disco ball. Oh, that's fun. This year I think. What's the theme? Well, I've always done pink and green because of the house. Sure.

But this year, I think I wanna just say, fuck it, and do orminance of all different colors. That would be great. Rainbow lights with rainbow orminance. If you're gonna do that, you gotta go, you gotta go every square inch covered. Covered? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think of, like, the celebrity trees that have the oversized, like, ornaments of lollipops and shit? Weird. It's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think of the celebrity trees that have the oversized ornaments of lollipops and shit? Weird. It's weird also, if you don't do your tree, what are you doing? It's kind of what I mean. But green.

It's like, I don't know. It's like, do it or don't do it, but like. I hired it. It's like, we just hung up the tree, but we hired a company to do it. Right. It's like, we see Vanderpump as like nine trees and she's involved in the decorations.

Cause what is the point? Yeah, if you're not going to do it. I don't know. I just got to shove a nuke up my pussy. Should we switch religions? We don't even have a religion now. Yeah, I was like, what? Wait, I think my religion now is basically

RuPaul's Instagram. Their Reels, her TikTok. Yeah, she's like, which one of you bitches is my mother? It's just so funny. She has a good- Can I help you? And she has the purse on the side of her head. What a fool.

She's so funny. That's so funny. Oh, speaking of, we got a porn out for our girl Jiggly. Oh my God, I know. All-star queen, star, diva, woman, lady. So fucking sad. So, I know. All Star Queen, Star Diva, woman, lady. Sad, so fucking sad. So, so sad. You know, our manager is very involved

with the end of her very, the tragic end of her life. And it was like, it was horrible hearing everything that was going on. Tell them how you found it. Tell them how you made that call. Oh, so yeah, my fucking, you know, I'm the queen of being tact, the queen of tact. I call my manager, I'm like,

why the fuck do we not fly Delta anymore? And he's like, yeah, Jiggly's in the hospital dying. And I'm like, okay. Let me just get on my Southwest flight, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, maybe I'll just shut the fuck up. It was a big, I got slapped with the hand of reality. I only got to meet her once,

I was backstage in New York. Just once, really? Maybe once at Drag Queen and once backstage. We never really worked together. We worked together a lot, probably a lot more than she wanted to. And she was, we called her Mrs. Jigglesworth and she's just always so funny.

She's just like a bubbly, bright, wonderful person. So it's sad. It's weird when Drag Queen died. That's what I was thinking. You said that a bubbly, bright, wonderful person. So it's sad. And like- It's weird when drag queens die. That's what I was thinking. You said that a while ago, like when Chi Chi died, I was like, it is so strange. It's like Mickey Mouse doesn't die.

Jessica Rabbit can't be killed. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like, do you remember like a couple months ago, when I told you I got drunk and watched a bunch of like ruse-a-coles? I watched, sitting on a secret,

and Chi Chi came on and I was like, oh, it's Chi Chi. Oh my God, she's dead. It was like a two part. To me to connect that that person is dead and connect it to that drag queen on TV feels like a very impossible stretch. Jiggly from Drag Race, from a famous drag queen.

It's very sad. I think drag queens should be able to- You're 44 years old. That's one year older than me. Should have been me. It's never who you want. No. Damn.

You said, I volunteer as tribute. Yeah, I was like, take my leg, take my everything. Damn. Well, shout out to Jiggly, love Jiggly. Yeah, pour it out for Jiggly. Sweetheart. Lovely, lovely, wonderful person. You guys can see on the internet,

all the girls are taking to the online to say, love you, gal. Yeah. I saw a meme of St. Peter saying, can I call you Jiggly? That's sweet. Oh, that is so funny. I don't know if I believe in heaven, but I do believe Jiggly's going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't, but is it weird that if I don't believe in God, but when someone dies, I'm like... Well, I know that Jiggly's up there in a bathing suit with fierce wings on. Right. And she's letting people have it. Very Victoria's Secret tea.

Hello. So turn to your left, turn to your right, and tell those people you love them. All right. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Shout out to Jiggly. Yeah.

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