The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - "You Smell Like Hospital" with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

Upon the pale and trembling threshold of a Beverly Hills hospital bed, where machines blinked like tiny frigid stars and the kingdom of Katya's body had been besieged by a cruel and venomous gastrointestinal blockade, our weary hero lay suspended between breath and utter oblivion. Death itself dared to come near, draped in her midnight robes, whispering with a grave and ancient confidence that the final curtain was about to fall. But from the ash-gray ruins of this digestive agony, from the tubes and terror and the bulbous belly of a still-defiant distended stomach, Queen Zamo rose like a blazing phoenix crowned in yellow fire, eyes bright with impossible fury and screams of bravado ringing out amongst the hospital corridors. As Katya stared into Death’s hollow, arrogant, bony face, she lifted her battered soul like a shimmering sword and declared, with the force of every dawn that had ever conquered night, “Fu** off, Miss Death. I have a podcast to record." Need a website? Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at: https://www.squarespace.com/BALD This Summer, quit nicotine and stay quit! Text JOINKATYA to 88709 and sign up for EX Program today! If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Use code PODCAST15 for fifteen percent off your first order at: https://bit.ly/3OdtU5X Before Metabolism Ignite sells out again, control your cravings and boost your energy the natural way! For up to 65% off your order, use code BALD at: https://VeracityHealth.co To get fifty percent off your first month, then twenty percent off for two months, use code 50BALD at: https://Greenchef.com/50BALD Shop the amazing Bath & Body Works "White Barn Neutrals" collection now at:  ⁠https://bathandbodyworks.com⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Start your alienware journey with the streamlined Alienware 15 with a design that refines the essentials for a more focused gaming laptop, featuring a brilliant 15.3-inch 16-hirt display seamlessly engineered into a portable 15-inch body, powered by an Intel Core 7 processor for high performance during every session, all wrapped in the elite and durable alienware design. It's everything you need for an immersive gaming experience distilled into one iconic machine. Visit alienware.ca.com slash Alienware 15 today. I had a burger and fries and a chocolate shake, and then about two hours later, I had a Klondike bar. I told you to only eat brown rice and vegetables.

I think Klondike bars are good. I think they do a good job. Wait, wait. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Oh. A triumphant return. We got a, we'll be on the 405 and the 110 and the two.

I'll tell you what happened. It's like a radio play. She whipped down her flaccid cock all three. Three centimeters. Dinky. Dinky. It's two and a half inches at Rock Hard are just hardly considered a cock. That's my real cock.

I just snatched it up earlier. Oh, God. Pop their ear plugs in. Pop them here plugs in. Who? Who? Q and Plain are on Project Runway. Project Runaway.

Who? Q. The Dragoon and Plain, who we just saw on the hallway, are on Project Runaway. That's incredible. I saw an article that said, here's everything we know about Q and Plain Jean on Project Runway. You better believe the information provided is Nothing. They're on Project Runway.

A whole article. Joey Nolphe. You want to talk. You need to understand the fluff pieces need to go. Baby. We are going to give you a history of everything up to this announcement

and then no new information. Huge of true. If I'm clicking on a link, I want, you want an Ann Powers deep dive in the Lana Del Rey 18 pages printed out.

I thought of you because guess what? Like the day after you were hospitalized, maybe two days later, I turned on the news and guess what was playing? The Diane Sawyer posthumous Richard Simmons documentary. About an hour long about Richard Simmons. That just burned my wig off.

She went reclusive. I'll take the back. Thank you. Oh, yeah. He drowned. Does that make sense? Wait a minute, we got to tell him the name of the episode, which is, you smell like hospital.

You smell like hospital. And now, listen, as people may or may not, as Joey Nolfe or Pink Gay News may or may not have reported. Evan Ross Katz was involved. This is a Joey Nolfei, Evan Ross Katz. This is Lee Daniels the Butler presents Lee Kronin's The Mummy of Joey Nolfe's collaboration with Evan Rott's cat called

You smell like hospital. Based on the novel Push by Safra. Based on the movie Stop That Train by Raymond. Yeah, based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Based on the novel push by Sapphire. With participation of Canal Plus. in a collaboration with Prime video. Apple,

and vivid, Bid, Bid Entertainment. Apple Flicks, Paramount Plus Cinemax. Absolutely. In partnership with the miniature wife, starring Elizabeth Banks,

now on Apple TV. Lee Cronin's the miniature wife. No, this is Lee Cronin's. You smell like hospital. I'm worried that you were on your back for weeks, and all you could produce was a medieval scroll I saw you right today.

And why is it in cursive? How is Gen Z going to read it? Because I went back at time, baby. I'm from the future. Well, let's go back to what happened because you and I were meant to, we had something that week. Sex? No, we're going to have romantic.

We were going to do the pot, I guess. No, no, we were meant to have romantic intercourse. Like we had planned for about 13 years. That's not true. Let's go back to the beginning, which is you canceled over the weekend because you were feeling sick. So I, yes, I remember it like it was a month ago. Because it was. Go on.

Because it was. He drowned. Does that make sense? It was a month ago. Does that make sense? The land, honey, the land. The plan, honey, the plan. The plan was to do the pod.

And you said, I'm sick. And I literally. And I had pre, I think I warned you on Monday on Monday. So on Sunday, Sunday night, I had, I couldn't sleep. Yeah. And I was like, oh, God, I just like, I just couldn't sleep. And I'll say this. As much as you make fun of you being a whatever, a non-worker, you're not a fake caller and sicker.

Well, honestly, you don't really. So ever since I came clean on. about every single time that I've called in sick has been a fraud, I haven't been able to really perpetrate that fraud. Right. Do you know what I mean? So when we did TNK Live and I was like doing that insurance fraud looking like, oh, oh, no, no.

Remember how sick you were on that? No, no, it was in sick. It was like in pain. And I don't like that kind of high drama because if you are faking pain, I'm a liar, drug addict, you know what I mean? That comes with the territory. But if you're faking pain, we really can't trust you. And if sometimes you can fake pain.

so much that you, you lie, like, you believe it yourself, which is diabolical. Anyways, so I had been vomiting, which is, I don't love. I love, but is sure that you're just faking sick so well that you, like, Gaga with the fake wine getting buzzed? Is that you being like, and then suddenly need surgery? So she's, I'm on the Zoom with her in Kiki Dunst. Right. We're almost exactly the same age. Right. I look 10 years older. Leekron's the money. And she, when that, the only difference is you play a little girl vampire as an adult. Very good portrayal. I'm a vampire pretending to be a human,

pretending to be a vampire pretending to be a human. Yes, of course. Of course. Lee Cronin's, yeah, yep. So, so can I ask

at what point do you realize I need to go to the hospital? Because what are the symptoms? How do we go from your... But this is not great. This is not great. I'm going to show you, will you blur this?

James, James, you blur this. The dipey. Oh shit. It gets now. She's got a little pus going on, P-U-S-S. She's got a little puss.

Not puss, puss. Do you think you'll get a cover-up, a tattoo or something? No. Okay. Okay. Let's take a break then. That's enough. Just to know.

So at what point does the sickness escalate to like what's going on? So I'm not a puker. Well, I am a, well, no, that's, I'm sorry, I lied. When I puke, I don't go like, you know how. When I close my eyes, I can't see. You know what I do it? Something crazy about me is I hate puking. Oh, is that from where are me, Michelle?

Oh, my God, I hate puking. Oh, my God, me too. You'll never believe this. And this is crazy. And I'm going to say this to both all these cameras. The second something touches my lips. I can taste it. Right, exactly.

I could taste it. No, no. It was like hot ice cream. So I late Sunday night, I can't sleep. And then Monday morning, I horrible. I feel terrible. I feel like, like, sleepless night. And I'm feeling like, I feel like nauseous.

So what would I do? I wiggle to the little freezer box and I get an outshine bar. Not sponsored. However, but that is up there with like Tylenol PM. I think they use it in hospitals. I will say when I've been nauseous, the cold, something about it is grounding.

Yes, it's cold. I mean, it's like literally, it feels, there's inflammation. It feels like sometimes you feel like your stomach's on fire. You want something relatively clear. Yeah.

Or like maybe a glass of water. Yeah. But you're hungry though. So like the sugar is like, anyways. Yeah. Puk it up immediately. Oh my God. And then I noticed that like, I notice I feel like, I feel like, so I haven't eaten anything, but I feel like bloated.

I never, I don't shut your mouth. I know I've never been bloated my entire life. Right. But I'm wondering, but I'm wondering based on how you normally look, what does it take for us to know that you're bloated at all? You know what I mean? Because normally, people ask me. You look like an unraveling ball of yarn. Normally people are like, how many weeks?

Right. Oh, not sorry. How many months? Right. Wasn't the baby due with last year? Yeah. People coming up and to me in the supermarket. Does that make sense?

Like triplets? Right. So. No, no. So then all of Monday, I'm puking. And that's when I think we had the pot on Tuesday or Wednesday. And I was like at Tuesday, so it's still no sleep. Which is like, oh, God.

And also I couldn't. The stomach started to distend. And I was like, oh, this is fucking weird. Can't keep anything down. No shitting either. Never occurred to me to think about, think maybe RuPaul Coffiana, no, no, it didn't. Like if there's nothing going in, nothing going out was going on. So what's the tea?

Yeah. Stop that train. Well, the train is gone or whatever. Stop that digestive process. So the digestive process was interrupted. Now I know what you're thinking. But you're so beautiful. How could that happen?

Well, drugs. But we'll get to that later. So it kept going on. I was eating nothing but outshine bars and I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't sit. I couldn't stand. And I couldn't lay down. So I know what you're saying.

Well, why wouldn't you? Shabard. Right. Did you kind of do like an exorcism like levitation? I tried. Lee Kronin already did that. Evil Dayrise. Why don't you go downstairs and get in your red light bath or your, um...

My cryot tank! No, why don't you get in your ozone therapy, your hydrobaric chamber? Why didn't I just open my moon app? The Calm app. Boot up the Harry Styles moon. It's too horny. Too horny. Too horny.

Lee Kronin's moon app. Lee Kronin's bricked up. No, I opened my moon tracker, of course. Right. I didn't, you know, WebMD, what? Well, it's L.A. That is our WebMD. Thank you.

Thank you. And it's also where at New York Times, God rest their souls. My lap for. Terra. Those are my test results. Yeah, you're, my CS link to Cedarsigni.org. Terror cards. Terracards.

Absolutely. Oracle cards. Hello. We're going to go down to Cedars so to have them pull my cards. Dr. Matthew Bloom? No, I'm calling my Sega. It was paying me and salami. Yeah, they open up your intestines.

They say, you swallowed a tiger. I. Oh my god. We need rose cords. Sat! Get the rose cords in here. Heimatite. It's clear.

We've got amethysts. We got everything. So you can't even drive. Would you Uber to the hospital? So I'm going to be vulnerable. It's Diane Sawyer. You can ask me point blank. Do you smell crack?

And I'll say, no. I have free base. Right. So without being TMI, I was like, I was with a shady friend. You know what I mean? Somebody's up to no good, but he's at my house. And in this moment, rare moment, I know this is going to sound Dolulu, but I got my moon tracker out. I was like, I'm really worried about this.

You can see, I mean, he's like, he came in and this person is not, let's just say they're not a paragon of mental or physical health. I think I know who this is without knowing them. Without knowing that. You think I haven't heard about this person? Oh, baby. She knows the lore. She knows the lore. I know.

I'll get my information on the street. This is wrong. This is deep behind a pinwall. I saw it on your substack. Lee criminals the substack. Grohins the paywall. That will be behind a paywall. Yeah, and you can't push it by Sapphire.

You got a payb-b- There was sapphire stuck to me that you couldn't push out. Okay, you wish you could push by sapphire. Hymotite. Anyways, well, my colon was so hematite. I couldn't pass my amethystus. Those are kidney rhinestones.

A-B. Crystal A-B. Well, Crystal. Okay. So he in this moment, so I am in a very dark place. physically spiritually. Is he witnessing

is that he's like, is he like, oh girl, you're good? Or is he like, I don't know. You've seen Mad Max Ferry Road when they're like, witness me, shh.

Shirley's with the arm chopped off? Yeah. Have I seen it? I'm a nicky fan. That movie was crazy. Girl, high octane thriller. Riding on the back of those cars? I'm like, I'm like,

low pressure, pulse. Yeah. Pulse through the roof. Pulse through the roof. Where's the IV tower? Crazy. Anyway, so he's basically, you know, he's doing a dose in the kitchen

saying, and I'm like, witness me. And I'm like, sorry. I'm just keeping it real. Y'all can't handle it. I don't think this is a story that's going to, I don't think this is a story that promotes drug use. I certainly hope not.

You should go to high schools and do this in the DARE program. I know, you know, funny. I've already told this story before, but it is worth a retell. So that very thing, I'll never forget at the high school auditorium. I was in eighth or ninth grade. This guy came in and did that exact thing. And this is the image that has stuck with me since,

1997, blowing snot rockets of nasal tissue from his caved in eroded septum into the shower and having to push them down the drain with his big toe. Catch that tea. That's fierce girl. It's fierce. So basically that's happening to me. Cheap in their nose job, though. If you do enough blow, you can look like Latoya. Yeah, and also you can skip the bill from Dr. Goldstein. Hello. Thank you. Do you want to go pay for the lights? It's like I'm saving money. Right. So anyways, the, um, so then it's Tuesday, I think. Maybe I was like, I think it was Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday. And I said, I've been vomiting and you'd be like, you had been sick as well.

So I was like, oh, solidarity. But then I also look down and I'm nine months pregnant. I thought I got you sick. No. And that's why I was like, oh, she's sick. Well, we had made love that Friday intensely. I mean, usually I go. Well, our way of making love.

Yeah. Is having hot. It's a blood transfusion. And that's his, that's love. He's amazing. Did you know if you have a tooth fallout, you can put it in milk and they can put it back in your head? I do. Because I watched

I care a lot. Oh, they do that in that movie. Yeah, she goes into the fucking convenience store. She buys milk. What is she doing? I can't believe that. That feels crazy. It's probably also patently untrue,

but let's ask, DMDs, drop a like in the comments or whatever the fuck. Comment below. Yeah, comment below, not if you're not a dentist. Oh, is Dr. Sun. Yeah.

Oh, as Dr. Moon. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Hi. I'm Todd J. Crescendo, founder of Maison de Fanfare, the only company in Los Angeles that lets you rent a live four-piece band

to follow you around and score your life in real time. Because frankly, when you parallel park, a drummer should launch into a violent fusion of Battle March, Bebop, and Submarine Flamenco. When you open the cupboard at 2.14 a.m. and stare into the void before eating an entire jar of peanut butter,

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letting everyone know you are still against all odds, a damn star. I started Dayscore in immediately used Squarespace. Honestly, it made building my site feel bizarrely glamorous. Their design intelligence helped me create a beautiful, personalized site that made my ridiculous business look shockingly legitimate. Squarespace payments made it absurdly easy to get set up and start taking payments right away, and my customers love having flexible ways to pay. I also connected our social and multimedia accounts so people can see videos of our bands

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When June finally shows up, we can all stop pretending we're indoor people and finally get some vitamin D. The day stretch out, the sun gets warm, and suddenly I am emotionally transported into being a person who wears a linen shirt and says things like, let's go get some fresh fruit at the farmer's market. This summer, I'm planning a little getaway in the St. Ines Valley, which is where I found this gorgeous little home on Airbnb that feels like a little headquarters for a few days of warm weather intervention. I want to wake up slowly, make a little bit of tea in an actual kitchen, and wander through the rolling hillsides, buying some chunky jewelry, and maybe a cool piece of wall art with a bit of seasonal motif. And after that, I'll be ready for a little

trip to Solvang for Danish's smorgas, smorgas boards, and that kind of Danish village. charm that makes one briefly consider buying wooden clogs. That is what the beginning of summer does to me. It makes travel feel less like an escape and more like a grand seasonal awakening. Suddenly, I need fresh air, open windows, and a home base that feels like a real place to set out from. That's why I love booking stays on Airbnb. I want a living room where everyone can sprawl out after a long day in the sun. I want a kitchen for late night snacks and lazy breakfast. And I want enough space to actually feel settled instead of just stacking my luggage in a hotel room. And if I'm traveling with friends, even better.

We can stay together, eat dinner together, and we can collectively pretend for the kind of people who do not forget sunscreen. And of course, once June begins, one trip becomes three imaginary trips. Maybe it's the Santa Ines Valley now, Yosemite National Park next, a long weekend in Santa Fe after that.

However summer unfolds, it's just feeling more personal when you book through Airbnb. Anyways, so then, so I'm nine months pregnant. I haven't eaten anything. I also haven't slept. Now, I've been on, I've been on, I did take half a Benzo

to try to go to bed because I'm kind of freaking out because I know that if I, at this point, even when I'm doing, like these days, well, whatever, I know that if you do anything, any bad behavior, you can't afford to lose a night's sleep, right? Because for my, for me with my history at my age,

one night's lost sleep means psychosis immediately, right? So I, the next day, it's getting, I'm swollen to my, my abdomen. I look, I look, no joke. I look like eight to nine months pregnant. And it's hard. Oh my God. It's like hard as a rock. And I'm like, this is not good.

And my friend is like, oh, yeah, you, I was like, I think I need to go to the urgent care. And so I get in an Uber, I waddle like Oswald Cobble Pot. You know what? No, and I'm, no offense to him. I mean, I'm 5'9, so it's not exactly, it's not that fierce. and I'm not wearing the patent leather flipper gloves but I am waddling like and like ugh

I mean like he's you know when he's going when he just comes out of like Kennedy Davenport with their pads on that like I'm walking away from the main stage and I'm in the work room and I'm through it I'm in the bottom I know I got a lip sync but I'm tired and I got to get in this Uber

of course it's a Cadillac with this Russian guy and he's looking at me through the rear mirror because I'm literally like as I'm like no you're doing Lamaz I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't even breathe. I was like this. I was like,

that's fierce girl. And I was like, what's going to happen? But I death. Death would have happened, right? Death to all of them. Well, yes. So I had the good sense though, and thank God. I was like, let me go try.

I was like, I'm going to the urgent care. Smelling like the cat's ass. So I get in, I try to get in the shower. I waddle upstairs. And I take a SHIT. Okay. I take a good old SHIT because it's, And it comes out like trapdoor diarrhea.

You know what I'm talking about. When a trap door opens and then diarrhea comes out. When one door, when God closes one door, another one opens. Yeah. And then you hope you get it in just one flush. That was a two flush. Can I tell you? I want to tell you that when all of this played out and I...

You thought it was faking it. No, no, no. You thought it was thinking. When I told my boyfriend what was going on. Wait, I got, I guess... You have a boyfriend? I said, I guess they're having abdominal obstruction. And he goes,

does she fall asleep with one of those metal butt plugs in again? And I said, I did. don't know. I've only been that simple. If Mary, because you know what it happens? What if you got into the hospital, distended, and they said, we found a huge metal blood plug on your butt. That's all.

You know, that would be fierce because I know somebody and you might know somebody. And that's all I'm going to say about that right now. And we'll continue that after we record because they went to the hospital with something much larger and much more difficult to extract than a stainless steel jeweled butt plug that has a little handle that you just go... Well, at least that's made for it to go up there. A claw machine could have got that out. Right.

With no blindfolded. So anyways, oh, Mary, if I had gone into the shower and I've been so out of my mind, which is very possible, not looking at the moon tracker. And I go and I try to do it a turd. And it's clang, clang, clang, went the large mental butt plug. My stomach would have gone... And I'd be like, is that K Moss in the mirror? Right.

My name is Bella Hiddee. That was you after going poop. I'm called Demna at Gucci. I'm like, I'll do the show tonight. And the poop was... And the poop was... Was diarrhea? It was like a trapdoor diarrhea.

Yeah. Okay. It was disgusting. It was, it was, it was, um, it was, um, it was a real evil kind of smell. It was like evil dead rise, Lee Cronin's. Right. It was the shit from like a troll under a bridge. It was like a riddle.

It was like a little shit for me. Shit the last dance for me. Whatever you wanted to do. But this was at the hospital or before you left for the hospital? No, this before I left to the urgent care. I hadn't showered in two days. I was, I was, I was smelling like the cat's ass. So I take that again, for the people on the 405, I wanted to describe it.

I took the trapdoor diarrhea shit. I get in the. that shower, I try to, like, I'd use this lovely molten brown, oh, no pen intended. A lufa? Yeah, lufa. Oh, nice. That's nice. And those are good for kind of exfoliating.

Plus, you never know. You're single. A doctor. What if one thing leads to another? What if they're trying to palpate my bony landmarks or, God forbid, digitally extract my impacted feces, and I get turned on. And then I get bricked up. And then I have this tiny, but really hard, stiff three inch bonnet.

in that nasty little hospital bed while that Ivy Tower just goes beep, beep, and we can't help but just to get it twice. We'll get to the Ivy Tower because I would say your IB Tower was beeping a lot. Mama, it's, we have it. This is, look at this handwritten note I got for you. This is the notebook. This is, um,

yeah, this is crazy. I wrote in cursive just like, so I go to the urgent care. You know, so I get in the shower and then I immediately get in, I call an Uber because I can't drive. Literally my gut is so big it would push against the steering wheel. You go to the cedars that I busy at the Beverly Hills. I go to Salas. So, okay, so I have two. So when I, when that

antler thing fell on my head, sliced me open, I had to make two, I was a fork in the road. That's right. I forgot about that. Pull my hand. Ow. Did your head heal? Yes. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was crazy. Yeah. So anyways, I go to solace and they, because that, if there's a fancy urgent care, you pay a premium for this a yearly membership. They make you get a pre-up. You do a pre-not. You get married.

You get engaged every time you go. Is that a cut on your head? Okay, well, here's the pre-nup. What's your ring size? You get to choose between a nurse practitioner, a general physician, or a residency. This is your husband. Yeah, this is your husband. Do you love him?

Doesn't matter. You're married. Okay. You love who you love. I don't know how to tell you this. wants what the heart wants. I don't know how to tell you this. That's not your dad.

Does that make sense? So I go to Salas. I love that. Mary's shout out to fucking Solis on Sam and Sunday, baby. Shout out. They're just hoping more bad things happen to you. Baby, they're like,

yeah, they're like, I think they roofed me last time. Every six weeks, you walk into traffic or something and they're like, cha-ching, here she comes. Ooh,

I'm going on vacation with Mark this weekend. You know, they, so I go in there. The great thing about that is that for the Well, for the money that you pay every... No, I could walk to the urgent care that's on the corner of meth street and crack alley where I live.

Or I could get an Uber that's 15 minutes to 20 minutes to solace. And the benefit of that is that I'm not fucking advertising sales. I'm just telling you what the T is. So I go there, I get seen immediately. That's the point. Yeah. Because I could also languish at the urgent care and who fucking knows. Because I just have a stomach ache.

Do you know what I mean? At this point. Yeah. They're treating people who have head chopped off. No, no, mom, dad, brother, sister, gone. You know what I mean? Do you remember my appendix had to come out? Yes.

I got to the, I landed in, when was that? It was like St. Louis. It was like St. Louis. Yeah. I landed, went to the hospital about midnight. Yeah. I wasn't seen until about 5 a.m. Baby.

Tell it. You really can get stuck waiting. And then you're in the waiting room going, is this worse? Yeah. That Wendy Williams clip. It could get, it could. From the WCU. Not really.

This is the worst. This is the worst. Well, like the Vernonators, a clip where she. He's talking to herself and then her head explodes with the... I can't. I can't. What kind of wig are I wear? How do I act?

Am I going to cry? That was you going to the urgent care. We're together now. What? So you get to Salas. And luckily, dance. That is your only solace. Yes.

That you're at Salas. So then, but then that's when things really go. Poopie hits the fan. So solace, they're like, uh, so let me try to think this. At solace, they, they do, they do a scan. I think it's a CT scan. or some kind of imaging, they take my credit card. I was like, some kind of insurance thing,

it was not that expensive. And I forget why, who cares? So they do an image. At that point, if it was more expensive, what's the alternative die? Well. Can I get a, can I get a quote on what this is going to cost? Otherwise, I'll just Uber home and lay down and die.

You know, that's a joke, but that's actually not a joke for people who don't have as much money as we do. Do you realize that it was like the first? No, I'm not, I'm not. I'm being totally serious. Oh, I've never been poor. Thank you for illuminating that. It's just so...

I'm going to strangle you to death. I'm going to see what your cul-pah is. But thank God you got seen right away too. Well, yeah. But I mean, I'm just saying it's like, it occurred to me. Although, yes, dire straits always, as usual, one percenter. I am like, I know you have a poor history, but you are so far gone. Right.

You're so detached. I'm so... I'm salt to the York moment. And you only make, what, 60% of what I make? I'm in Brooklyn trying to make men's people. You're in your crystal castle. Well, while you are. having fecal impaction.

I am in Brooklyn trying to survive in this economy. Well, I'm living it up at Salas Healthcare. While you're at Salas Health Care, having some F-A-G digitally extract that hearted geoad. Well, you're faking an illness at your fancy hospital. That's really the Shangri-Lafors. She's got an abdominal obstruction. Pull the dick out of your ass and go to work, you fagget.

Pull the dick. Pull the dill-dow out. Slap her across the face with it until her get back to work. She died. Does that make sense? You're constipated. Does that make sense? Girl, I, ooh, I need a break.

Let's take a break. No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't even get to the hospital yet. You're telling this like it's dune. I need you to make it like. A TikTok. Yes.

Okay. This isn't an epic. It's like, and then, and then, hold on. And then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then literally. And then. Yep, yep.

And then. And then. Yeah. And then. Yeah. Well, let's get there. Okay. So.

Okay, oh, I'm sweating. People have already gotten to work. The listeners have already gotten to work. I'm sweating. Oh, wait, wait. Hold on. I need to do a costume reveal. Let's take a break.

This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. There is a very specific moment in early June when Canada collectively remembers it can go outdoors again. The parks come alive. The lake starts sparkling. And everyone begins to act like they've just been introduced to sunshine for the very first time. Suddenly, I'm entering my summer travel chapter. and I need a charming home on Airbnb, a soft place to land, and preferably a porch where I can sit with a nice coffee and look thoughtfully at a large tree. A huge tree. This June, I'm taking a few days

in St. John's, Newfoundland, where the houses look like they were painted by very cheerful wizards, and the ocean is just sitting there like a melodramatic, gorgeous thingwob, totally for free. I want to climb Signal Hill, eat fish and chips near the harbor, walk around in a light jacket pretending I'm a lead character in a Canadian coastal novel that mostly is just a hot seaside romance. And the best part is while I'm having my ceremonial first taste of summer, my home does not have to sit empty, like a sad little diorama. Hosting on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off exploring, hiking, eating, napping, or buying that exceptional hat you'll never wear again. That extra income could help cover the next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just

some extra gas money for a road trip. So this June, while you're planning your own great Canadian escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Someone else gets a wonderful place to stay, and you get a little help making your summer adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb.

There is a very specific moment in early June when Canada collectively remembers it can go outdoors again. The parks come alive, the lake starts sparkling, and everyone begins to act like they've just been introduced to sunshine for the very first time. Suddenly I'm entering my summer travel chapter and I need a charming home on Airbnb, a soft place to land, and preferably a porch where I can sit with a nice coffee and look thoughtfully at a large tree. A huge tree. This June, I'm taking a few days in St. John's, Newfoundland, where the houses look like they were painted by very cheerful wizards and the ocean is just

sitting there like a melodramatic, gorgeous thingwob, totally for free. I want to climb Signal Hill, eat fish and chips near the harbor, walk around in a light jacket pretending I'm a lead character in a Canadian coastal novel that mostly is just a hot seaside romance. And the best part is while I'm having my ceremonial first taste of summer, my home does not have to sit empty, like a sad little diorama. Hosting on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off exploring, hiking, eating, napping, or buying that exceptional hat you'll never wear again. That extra income could help cover the next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just

some extra gas money for a road trip. So this June, while you're planning your own great Canadian escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Someone else gets a wonderful place to stay, and you get a little help making your summer adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca. host. This episode is in partner. with Airbnb. There is a very specific moment in early June when Canada collectively remembers it can go outdoors again. The parks come alive, the lake starts sparkling, and everyone begins to act like they've just been introduced to sunshine for the very first time. Suddenly I'm entering my summer travel chapter and I need a charming home on Airbnb, a soft place to land,

and preferably a porch where I can sit with a nice coffee and look thoughtfully at a large tree. A huge tree. This June, I'm taking a few days in St. John's, Newfoundland, where the houses look like they were painted by very cheerful wizards, and the ocean is just sitting there like a melodramatic, gorgeous thingwob, totally for free. I want to climb Signal Hill, eat fish and chips near the harbor, walk around in a light jacket pretending I'm a lead character in a Canadian coastal novel that mostly is just a hot seaside romance. And the best part is, while I'm having my ceremonial first taste of summer, my home does not have to sit empty. like a sad little diorama. Hosting on Airbnb means your place can welcome someone else while you're off exploring, hiking, eating, napping, or buying that exceptional hat you'll never wear again. That extra income could help cover the next getaway, a home improvement project, or maybe just some extra

gas money for a road trip. So this June, while you're planning your own great Canadian escape, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. Someone else gets a wonderful place to stay, and you get a little help making your summer adventure happen. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca slash post. Long story short, too late. So how do we get from Salas to the hospital? And at what point do they go like, oh, what was that, James?

They're like, faggot, oh, queen. At what point do they go like, oh. Yeah, sick. Ops surgery. So we go from Salas. They do an image. Estomboe. They just take an iPhone picture.

They hold their ear up to the belly and they go, we got. And they're like, I can hear the ocean. Yeah. You, your pussy is teeny, but you're, so they take me, so we go, they got to get an ambulance. I've never been in an ambulance. Neither have I. What was it like? Horrible.

Oh, no, it was great. The, um, the guy was from Australia. But what's your, we had it like, we, we had, we had a, like, we had a great time. And he was from some place that we'd never been in, but we had to gar. That's not true. We've been everywhere in Australia. No, no, we've been to Canberra. No, we've been to Camber.

Canberra? Where did we go? When we were on TNK Live, where did we not go? Because we'd meant to go, but the bus hadn't gone there. Well, and gong? No, we've been there. No, remember? Where, we had to go somewhere, but there's a detour or something happening, and we

weren't able to make that show. You remember that? I do forget what it was. Exactly. But we were meant to go there, and we didn't go, and that's where he's from. Oh. So what is your disposition at this point? Are you getting more concerned?

I was scared. I was frightened. I had to slide my feet. It was a little weird. So they do this, they do an image. imaging and they say like, what do they say they see? They said there's a, um, they said there is, there seems to be a significant bowel obstruction. So we're going to send you.

Like, yeah, I take wicked shit. My poop's so big. I was like, make sense. I was like, Rodney, my upstairs neighbor is in there right now. And he will, we are in a huge fight. Will you give him a message? It makes a lot of sense because I have not been able to find my Komoto dragon, Leon. on that that that um you know brett farb had autographed a football that is mysteriously missing

from my apartment right now is there a pigskin up there so anyways so i get in an ambulance to go to cedars it was that was like oh are you fucking kidding me it's like 11 o'clock at night right and i'm like i hope i can go get home to watch the next episode of hacks right you think you're going home to watch oh i just think i'm going to i'm going like no no you know what you're giving what you're giving in titanic once you're getting the lifeboats and she's like are they going to be arranged by class. You think you're going to Malibu for a rejuvenation. Is it, um, are they, are they, um, is it an order of age?

Right. You think you're getting your, you're, you're, I'm just going to get my clip pierced. You're going to get my clip and they're going to shoot a historic, prehistoric cloud up your pussy. No, they're taking me to Rue's third house and I'm going to get a coffee. Red wine, clonic.

You're getting a red wine. She's sober. Coffee enema. Coffee edema with whatever happened to Merce. Major Dickinson's, um, French, roast. You and Merle getting a Fulgers, best part of waking up is coffee in your butt.

Shit. No French black coffee, the oil, the thick black oil of the butt. Oh, no, the um, no like the Italian espresso. Oh, they're like, espresso. It's a curing. That's that mean espresso. Sabrina Carpenter, four feet tall. She's getting on an apple box to like stuff a tube up my She's driving the ambulance.

She can't see over that real. That's why she has the white boots to the pedals. But Madonna won't shut up in the drive. She's got her grill on giving her directions. She can't hear her. Oh, my. She won't take the grill out to give directions.

She's like, she slaps the phone out for safety, but that won't. Madonna, do we turn left or right? Madonna goes, do you think I should go back on tour? She's like, I can't hear you with the grill on granny slaps are dead. We all die. Right. Get to the hospital. And that's where the H-A-W-R-R-A, the H-R-R-A, the H-R-A.

the horror begins. That's where Lee Kronin's the hospital comes in. I go, I get wheeled in on a gurney. Jimmy Lee Kronis on the gurney, of course. Because what is about to start? Trauma. But are you living? Are you like to-

No, no, no. It's, I'm experiencing in real-time trauma. It's about intestinal trauma. It's about medical trauma. It's about generational trauma. The whole thing is the beginning of a cascade of trauma. Does it hurt though? It hurts so much.

Like, what does it feel like? Is it burning? Is it aching? Well, so I've never experienced bloating. I think many of our listeners will have known, especially if you're, you got the female pipes down there. You get your period or whatever, endometriosis, any, any whole host of like. Inflammation. Gas.

Yeah. Sorry, screaming. No. No, you're right. Yeah. So I took up. Hello, symbiotic plus. Hello.

Catch it. Pre-postbiotic. Uh-huh. I take it. I do too. I'm taking the prenatal now. Oh. I miss you so much.

I miss you so much. I do take the prenatal. It has, you don't. There's stuff in it I want. I don't have to be pregnant. I want it. I'm entitled to it. I want to feel good.

And you know what? I was taking too many vitamins before. You are not Courtney Act. Get those three suitcases of vitamins out of my kitchen. The ritual vitamins, I'd only take like a few a day now. I used to take so many to get off. This is not an ad.

No, is you a piss like pink flamingo red like pink? No, I take too much B12 though and so does a little yellow. So does Aaliyah? No, it's a little yellow. When you take too much B12 for, me at least it gets a little yellow. I was like, Alia's dead, Mary. R-I-P. So it's,

it's feeling like twisting pain. No, it feels like... Like a balloon. It feels like a balloon filled with a poisonous gas. Like a bike pump hooked up to your... It's like, and there's no, like, I'm like, it just... So when you, oh, a cramp. Think about, think about your worst abdominal cramp. You know, sometimes you have to shit and you can't or whatever.

And you feel like, you feel gas in your colon or your small, like in the side or the back. Yeah. You're like, oh, it's like that. It's that everywhere. Oh my God. The whole around, like I had an inner tube of excruciating pain literally from here, down to here, all around to the back as well.

So I go to the, I get a corset on. Don't you think that would have kind of squeezed? Of course. But I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking rationally. I stopped wearing my waist train under bed. Right. I don't have cucumber slices of my eyes like you told me to do. Right.

You know, I'm looking like Lee Kronin's the mummy. And I'm feeling like, like, you know. The Kronin's ritual symbiotic plus. Lee Kronin's the whale is what I'm feeling like. I'm feeling like the whale. Except I'm not jerking off reading English papers. Did you see Brennan Frazier is doing The Mummy again? He put something online like, listen, I'm at my age.

I'm doing my best. Who's presenting it? Lee Kronin. Ronan Faro's expose on Lee Kronin's sequel to the novel Pushed by Sapphire by Lee Daniels, the Butler's remake of the mummy by Tom Cruise. was featuring Brendan Fraser. But you know, Rachel Weiss, she's not able to do it.

So guess who they're getting? Susan Boyle. Did you see Susan Boyle's new look? No, are you going to make him a fun of her? I can't deal with it. I can't do it. I'm not making fun of anything. She's in a wig now with sunglasses.

She's in like in a winter look. It's like a bob with big sunglasses. She's doing Hannah Montana. No, it's like Adele. Remember when Adele was always in like all black with like glasses? That was Harriet the Spy. I don't know, girl. She's dead too.

which all Tractonberg. Yeah. What is this the, we're just going to do tragedy after? Sad music. It's kind of inappropriate. Look, Susan Boyle. It's giving Gemma Collins kind of. It's giving Anna Winner had to leave the Met Gala early.

So she called her friend Susan to come in and just like, can you just do the last? Can you just sit like this? Can you believe that? Isn't that fierce? She's announcing her new era. Love it. I love it too. The onion the other day was like, their, their article.

was like, Anna Winter had to abruptly close the Met Gallo because her parents came home early. She issues the statement that she promises next year her parents will not come home from a early so that she can. She's like, Sabrina Carpenter was caught repelling out of the window. Beyonce used the drain of her

dress. Like it's a house party and not trying to get home. That's so stupid. It was so funny. Okay. So I get, so they so the guy from all, he wheels me into the, into the, the, um, the whiteing room area. Yeah. And I know that people from Australia I'm like wondering how did she all of a sudden learn Australian? I didn't know I was pregnant.

It was big. I was very like, is it twins? Are they both dead? Is it like, they're dead? Does that make sense? Right. So I was like maybe still birth, whatever. I get in there and it's, so it goes from, it's still in terror.

I'm in terror. I'm doing like, all of another in terror phone. Yes. Big time. Because I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I honestly don't know what's going on. At least you're at the hospital. Yes.

But you've got to realize and you know, I've had many, many, many, many scary events, mostly mental health related. Yeah, can I say the reason I thought this would have been particularly terrifying for you is because let's be honest, every time you've had some kind of event, it's been primarily related to psychosis. And so I always wonder,

do you even remember what we remember when this happens? So usually, unfortunately, no, right? Or fortunately, whereas this time you had your faculties. No, no, no. I wasn't, I wasn't, I was extremely aware and connected to a consensus reality.

And the pain. And the pain. So the pain was, because when I'm Tom Cruise, the mission impossible with my dingling out, twing and Barry is visible in the hot sun in Los Angeles. I don't know where I am. Right. And I don't know what I'm doing.

And even if you were in pain, you wouldn't know. No. Thank God you falling into a fountain. Can't feel it. Didn't know what happened. Right. I was told later. Jumping on a FedEx car moving.

Didn't know it. Told later. You know what I mean? No bruises. Does that make sense? So anyways, I'm not, honestly, I'm not, honestly, glibly. I'm not glimizing that.

That's not funny. But like, no, no, no. There was nothing glamorous about what you just said. It wasn't a successful glamification. Okay. We actually have the footage. Can we roll the same. But I just said that and I feel like you repeating that is kind of like you're coming for my glamour.

So it's not your glamorous life, Mama. Oh, okay. That's Fergie. Okay. Well, honestly, it was my glamorous life? Because I had the day off because of you. Is it Fergie? So I was like, every time I come around by the gather, I was feeling it.

Why come every time the bitch goes down. And this is kind of jumping ahead, Tarantino style. The gigs we had to cancel because of you. Oh, yeah. You're like, it's maybe the only time I relax because it's not, I don't feel bad because there's nothing I can do about it. So I'm like,

so this was actually, we were skipping it forward to the beginning. I was actually helping you. Help yourself. Yeah, no, no, no. So I would have shoved that turd up there myself of a minute I get a day off.

It's one of those turs that then, like you can't, you can't like, do you know what you, it's like. Tears everything on the way out? No, no, no, no. It's like a, um,

you know how that, those, um, Okay. Let me do it again so you know what to do. So, so. Jurassic Park.

Imagine, imagine it goes up and then goes, so you can't. Oh, like the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

some kind of animal has a dick on it. Um, it's like, um, a corkscrew, yeah,

it's like a corks through wig. Yeah, it's like a corksrew dick. Or does a dolphin have a dick with spikes on it? I don't know, but they do be RAPI-in-G. Let's talk about that next episode. Okay.

So we go into the waiting room for the ER waiting room at Cedars. It now we're not. It's a who's who. It's, oh, it's, I'm. You sit next to Fat Amy. No, no, no. I'm sitting next to Grandpa Flick. Right.

Rose the hat, no hat. And like, it's, I'm sitting with the, the, what do they call the true not? Except it's the true N-O-T. The ERs in the bigger cities are wild child. No, it's not fun. We got, we got, we got, we got. We got legs chopped off. We got motorcycle accidents.

You could adopt a puppy right there in the room. I joined a pyramid scheme. I started selling leggings because it took so long. And then they took me upstairs to whatever. And they're like, this is where the trauma started. They're like, so we have to insert an NG tube into, we have to insert an NG tube. And I was like, okay, I don't know what that means. So we have, they did another image.

They did, so they did, first they told me an X-ray. It did an X-ray. then they had to do MRI. Then they had to do another, the CT scan. So they did three different images. And they're like, every time they came back with the results, they're like, so it's actually a lot more

a lot more serious than we thought. So it's either this, you might have a small bowel obstruction. And there's like, well, actually, it's a lot more serious. And then the third time, they're like, so we need to insert an NG tube. And so to pump out some fluid that is flooding your stomach and has entered your abdominal cavity. So I'm like, okay.

And so. But what are you going to say? No, thank you. I was like, I was like, does I have eyes? Right. Because like is it like what else? It's like, what else? It's like a YSL2.

I was like, what color is that? Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't realize what they were talking about until it happened. And then this, that queen comes in and ask me how many times, I'll just say they because who fucking knows what gender they were. Honestly, though, if I'm not sure I just said they. I hated them.

No, I know. It has nothing to do with their gender. We're going to get to my monologue that I gave when I thought you were asleep. Because that's... And I can fact check it. It's fierce. I was like this. So what does I feel like when they put the tube in?

Because I touched the tube, it's like a... It's hard plastic. And how thick was it? Who would play her? Who would play her? Yes. It really was. It would be a home depot.

Peanut Eminem around like this big. And also the gauge of the thickness of the tube itself. It was like hard plastic. It was hard plastic where you could, where you would struggle to bend it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it couldn't just kink up. It wasn't flexible like a garden hose.

It's not a tube you could swing around. No. It was hard plastic. No, it was like a tube that you could spray something out of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it took them, or took them through,

who the fuck here? I don't know who it was, but it took them three fucking times to get that thing down there. And they're going through that. So they said, he said, we're going to loop this thing up and we're going to stick it.

He says, he's going to be very uncomfortable. You just have to try as hard as you can to swallow. This reminds me of when they put that tube up my penis to get in my bladder. And they said, the more you fight it, the worse it is. They said, you just have to try to let it happen. They said, because it's a sphincter. Once you start fighting it, they're not going to get it in. No, so it was like, so like try to, because it needs to go down. It has to go down. Just swallow, swall, swall, swall. So it's like, it happened. As it's happening, I, they should have dipped it in gravy. You fat, huh? And then you would have

deep throated it, don't you think? Or, or, um, uh, uh, uh, those, um, um, um, um, the sugar thing is the pixie sticks. Sowers punched straw. That would have been sickening actually. Should have been Twizzler. They should have just hollowed out one of those jumbo twizzlers. Nerd throat. It's a nerd throat, honey. Fruit by the foot.

Just twist up some fruit by the foot and just shut down. A red bind. Girl. Yeah, go to, go to Costco. Go down to the really wonka. They could change it every day. You could do two in each nostril. So anyways, they get it down there. And it's like, it's one of those things where like I'm, I'm not used to like being

aware or like this is to me this is surgical discomfort with no anesthesia right well yeah I'm like I'm like you have natural instincts to choke or cough when someone's supposed to do this so they get it down there they get it down there and I'm like instantly the stomach starts to deflate

as three liters of bile as pumped out of the stomach dark dark green look at that backpack it's dark actually it's darker than that it's like you can it's like green black feel the decompression so it feels So there's instant relief. That is literally... How fast is it coming out?

Like a coffee drip? It's like... It's more than a coffee trip. It's like a labored piss. It's like an... So it's like almost... It's a steady stream. It's a steady stream.

Holy shit. And are they pushing or it's just naturally coming out? No, it's... There's a suction. So it's attached to a suction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some little physician's assistant is the one... Shut.

No, what I would have done is I would have got a running start down the hallway. Run and chokes like... elbow smash into your stomach and I would have got that shit out fast. Well, Mama, you wouldn't even have needed to done the hose because I would have exercised that shit right into the next room. I killed it up. Shut the door. End of story.

But you're watching the fluid coming out being like. Well, I'm like, right. Right. No. So the stomach deflates considerably, not totally. There's a significant amount of pain that has been relieved. However, guess what? It's just transferred to the unimaginable discomfort of the tube.

Oh, because now you're, you're. So it's like, you could have chili. You could have chili. You could have chili. You could have chili. It was like, I'm going to punch you in the face or I could stick some knife up your ass. Well, no, no, no. So as this gets better, you become aware.

Oh, yeah. Of like, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. The whole time.

The whole time. Yes. They, and then I realized that they're not going to let the, the tube's not coming out for a good long while. And they say, we're going to have to do emergency surgery. So this is 2 a.m. Fierce. That's when I call you and say, tell the twins.

I love them. No, you sent me a text like 3M that was like having emergency surgery. I think there was a typo that says, I am sure to die. Please delete my history. It was late though. I don't even know if I got it that. No, you didn't. It was like 2.30 in the morning.

You know, I'm also. Yeah. You're like, no, you're like. Four gummies in. You're practicing your set for Bonnaroo at home. It's not even on. And I'm like, you're like, you're like, a boyfriend. Look at that.

The TV's not on. 100%. 100%. 100%. 100%. You're out there on the balcony with you're, you got sugar on the balcony. No, no. I'm at the oven and I have the range, the electric range.

They're on. I'm burning my fingers. You're checking the cookies. There's just a stuffed animal in there. Absolutely. So they do. How long is a surgery take? Obviously, you don't remember because you were asleep, but.

So the anesthesia. So, um, so they come in, so I get, they, um, they fuck me. They give you anesthesia. They put my body. Fuck you. And people, when they say anesthesia, you think it's going to be like putting you under. But what that happens is they fuck you. I mean, and they don't even put you out for it.

They just come in and they fuck you. Well, they shave me down. They shave your body. Of course. And then they go get margarine. Rub it, sternum to tail. And they fuck you. And it's kind of, it's a lot.

But when in Rome. And you have insurance. And I get the tube up there. I need distraction. Hello. And guess what they, and they start putting things in the tube? Biagra. There's liquid.

Liquid ID? Liquid. No, no, liquid myagra. Oh. Oh. A little bit of Viagra. A little bit of Viagra. Are you bricked?

I notice your brick. Oh. Okay. They said we can't do the surgery until you get rid of your giant, um, trimex boner. It's so they go get some triz appetite. And you start a GLP1. They checked the moon tracker. Clear.

Yeah. Oh. Okay. So they say, unfortunately, we have to go. You have to go. It's not clear. It's two irons. Like, doctor, the skin is having a very strange reaction.

Oh, my God. So how long is it for real? So the anesthesiologist comes. So the anesthesiologist comes, oh, I'd do it again. Hot. It's Catherine. I would. She's smoking.

She's smoking in the hospital. He's got a cigar in the hand and a cigarette in the mouth. No, he's so hot. No, he's got a cigar and then he's holding Catherine Heigle who's holding a cigarette. He's got her in a headlock. She's choking her out. She's naked from the waist down. I guess who else is there?

Joe Camel. Recode his Joe Camel. By the way, I had not been smoking. Well, thank God. But I would have died. No. Well, with this. the infection risk, yeah.

Yeah. So, um, Joe Camel. What I think you looked like during surgery is that, but I think you look. The guy in the Beatles just waiting room? Yes. I think that's you in the waiting room being like,

but try to quit. I'm literally the person chopped in half with the legs. Of course. Um, mom, dad. So, so anesthesiologist puts you under. Inesthesiologist,

I hope fucks me. No, I'm just kidding. He's so hot. But also the pain in the nose, you're probably like put me under anyway. Thanks so no, no,

no. So I'm concerned. So, so what I had was, So this is the bald and beautiful and cursive. How do you know you? No cursive. Or how to write.

You smell like hospital. G.I. Jane. G. I get it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So nine months pregnant. So emergency surgery, this is all made me wrong, but I said I didn't bring my papers. Decompressive anerotomy, exploratory laparotomy. So exploratory means they cut me open and took all of my intestines out onto the table.

I don't know. And the small bowel resection. So they didn't, I don't, I forget what dissection. A dissection is just open. And this is honestly for all those fisters out there. Like, well, this is,

that's kind of exploratory too. This is, yeah, but they're going from the other end. Oh, mine was, mine was like, they had to decompress my stomach.

My intestines were twisted, which, which could, was, there's a big risk of this, the tissue deadenings, dead bowel. Yeah,

because you can get, I was reading about it. Yeah. A big part of what caused, causes it is like lack of blood flow. Yeah, exactly. And then the smooth processes can't do anything because there's no oxygen. There's no.

The tissue just gets dead. Dead. And it's also the smooth muscle, as people know, is involuntary muscle. You don't have any control of it. It works by itself. Yeah. So then decompressive aneronomy, exploratory laboratory, small bowel reset. I think reset.

They cut, so they had to cut two small holes into my small intestine and reattachment in different places. After they did a full small and large intestinal irrigation. your guts love many, many things. Being touched, palpated by human hands outside of the abdominal cavity

in power washed. Not so much. Not so much. And then full intestinal irrigation and then sloppy, wet head from the anesthesiologists. With teeth or no teeth. I'm not.

Well, they pulled out all your teeth, which was kind of confusing. They switched. They put in my mom's dentures. Well, they do you work up with a pussy. I saw the wrong day. And then as I'm starting to leak dead lady juice at the funeral, they're like, what in the hell?

But I found out they're moving part of your digestive system. I thought they were going to make you a pussy. And that every time Zim guy was going to fuck you, was going to say it felt like an ass. Well, I know that it was going to be like, when I came back with a colossomy bag thriving, you're going to be like paper or plastic. That's a life-saving procedure.

And so when these two faggots, who you know, and I won't mention any names, Andrew and Joseph came to visit me. They were like, for them, they were like, they're very attractive gay people. So like, I know you're saying. Oh, so are you, girl. You're so hot, girl. And I bet you looked even better with your Frankenstein scar and your garden hose up your nose, girl.

Thank you very much. Thank you. The necrophilics probably wanted it. Thank you, Tutsi. You know what it all gives? Crimes of the future. A hundred percent. Surgery is the new sex.

Yeah. Searching sex. Tell me, such she's doing sex. Kristen Stewart actually was attended. She was in the surgical team. Let's hear anesthesiologist. The wet head. Women in Hollywood.

Women in Hollywood. No, so they, so once Andrew and Joseph came to visit, I was looking like Grandpa Flick, as you saw. Now, girl, like that was. They came before me. They came before me. I came before you. I came alone because I didn't know if you wanted to guess.

Mary, touch my hand again. Touch my hand again. I'm so happy you came when you came. Because as horrible as I looked then, sweetie, you are not prepared. You love Dr. Sleep. I love Dr. Sleep. That's where one of the big Venn diagrams

of our movie-loving converge. I'm not choking. We have some shared interest of Dr. Slee. Polone pan. And sloppy wet head with teeth. And sloppy wet head with teeth from a cigarette laden Catherine Hegel. You know.

In a headlock. In a headlock. So what? So what? So what? So what? Take us to people's core. Spielberg is about to launch Disclosure Day.

The aliens are coming. So what if I want to get sloppy wet head from? Can I go with a cigarette in the hospital in front of my friends? So when she burns my balls. You know what else it gives? Burn my balls. You know what else it gives? The baby on the stomach from total recall.

Quato lives. That's what it also gives. When Joseph and Andrew came, I said, I had, I was like, I couldn't talk. I was getting really weak. Or no, Jennifer and your boyfriend came on my birthday and gave me the lovely present from you, which thank you so much. I was really, really sweet. I told them, you get out of here.

I was filming. I was doing the pod or something. Yeah. And they were going to go. And they asked me, should we go? I said, well, I was just there. I said, I only stayed about an hour and I could tell you when I me to leave. So I just stayed like an hour and left.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. So before I left, they gave you dilauded. And you went immediately. Like, you were exhausted. Yeah. The slightest suggestion of that drug in your system. It was like a county fair hypnosis, like sleep. No, it was Mary in Coteyard at the end of the Dark Night Rises.

I said, yes, 100%. So I'm standing there and the nurse, her name is like Eileen or something. It was Eleanor. Oh, Eleanor. Yeah. And I go, thank you so much for taking care of him. I said, and I thought you were asleep.

I go, he does not do well with this comfort. She started, she started her fucking, I'm auditioning with this monologue. Well, no, because we forgot that you're laying there in bed and you ring your buzzer like this. Hello. I read my hand on. I've got my hand on the call thing with the butt almost an inch of way from it. Hello. Hello.

And I go find somebody. And it's like that clip in that movie. My daughter is. My daughter is a pain. She needs her shot at 10 o'clock. No. And I go, my colleagues in there. And his thing is maybe you just needs a little help.

And they took. I mean, two and a half hours? They took a long time to come. They did. But you were not exactly, um, Ms. gracious. Hello. Oh. Hello.

Like, they saved your life and you were pissed off. They didn't. Dr. Bloom did. Thank you. And then so I think she's asleep and I think, God, she's been treating these people like this this whole time. So I go, once you're asleep, I go, I said, how often can you get pain medicine?

And they said, well, he's been a proof or dilaudid for every four hours, but we don't want to encourage it because it can slow down digestive system. We're trying to get it to heal. And I said, okay, well, I said, you better tell him that because he's going to want it every four hours. Every four minutes. Yeah. And then I go, I know he's kind of a baby.

He does not do well with pain or discomfort or inconvenience. and he's not very patient. Yeah. And then he's like, he's also, I'm sure you've noticed, and you're a very nice lady, so you want him in it so ugly. Yeah.

And he has the tiniest dick. I'm not sure if you know it's a man. They're not burns. That's just his face. Yes. So have you seen, have you seen the movie Pet Cemetery? And also,

that is a dick. It's just small. Yeah. And I know the balls look like they're swollen. Right. That's just silicone. Of course. Of course.

And those aren't tattoos. He's been branded. Yeah. And that, um, all that soot around where his anus used to be. Yeah. And I said you might recognize him.

Nexium. Lecronin. Recronin's the nexium. No, so she was like, how do you guys know it? They worked with her. I said, yeah. Lovers. She said, what do you guys do?

Sex lovers. Oh, we do podcasting and TV and stuff. And she goes, oh, really? And I said, and you were asleep and I go, you know what? Maybe this will give him this little special treatment. And I go, you know, he's actually really famous. And they go, really? I said, yeah.

And I brought up your Instagram. And I showed him a picture. of you and me. The Red Blumma Flick and Rose the Hat. No. She goes, Oh my God. He's beautiful.

Zooms it on my face. And then you know what? As soon as you leave the room, she robbed me. No, no, no, you know what it was? I let her have it. I said, yeah, that's her.

She looks great. She looks great. Sure. She's like, how does she get that line work so precise? I know. Wow. With those trembling,

cracky hands. I go, I don't know if he wants everyone here to know, but yeah, he's really famous. I said, I bet somebody here will recognize him at some point.

And that's when my eyes went. And that fucking bitch, she had, she looked at you and her like this. I was, I was like, I was like this. And then, and then back to Mirren Kodgarde. Yeah. So then I was just like, I basically was just like, I, because I got the sense that maybe you were treating these people this way the whole time. So I was just like, I know he's just kind of, he doesn't do well with a discomfort,

but like, you know. Well, let's fast forward. We're going to fast forward, which I wish I could have done. No, we're not. We got, we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not, me until Jennifer and my boyfriend stop by. Jennifer and your boyfriend, who is just spoiler alert, the loveliest man in this world.

She does not deserve him. Where's my camera? Where's my camera? She doesn't. This fucking rotted pig, whoever you are, Mr. boyfriend, I haven't met you yet. Well, I don't want to say his name,

so I've been thinking about... No, no, I know. We're going on Mr. Wonderful. No, I've been thinking about calling him blanket. No, we're going to Mr. Wonderful. Thank you. So, Mr. Wonderful, the toy you had? It's like, you look so beautiful today.

It's like that. He's like that. Where was he while I was languishing in Brooklyn for 10 days of food and water? So they come at Jennifer. No, a dream guy. They go, do you think he'll mind if because it was your birthday? Yes. They said, do you think he'll mind if we just stopped by? And I said, I don't know if he wants a busy.

I said, to be honest, I was there alone and I only stayed an hour. I said, but if you just go and he tells you to leave, at least you went. So they go. And I say, why don't you bring my birthday present for him? Because I was going to give you two on the pod. Yeah, it was a huge hardened piece of cash shit. No, I actually felt bad because I'm like, oh, great. We're giving the sick person something they have to carry home in a few days.

Like I was like, that was kind of short-sighted. But they come and they tell me that they walk in and you have a hat on. You're in the hospital bed with a hat on. Because I'm ashamed. Looking like Kelly Mantle at the airport. My four gray hairs are growing in. Grandpa Flick. Oh, fierce.

Not fierce. The terror fire. Right. Anyways, they come in. Go ahead. But I suggested they pick up your unit. Wait. Oh.

For you. Coming with the unit for your birthday. That could have changed everything. Everything. Everything. So, I mean, look at what it does. Look at the difference. Look at the material.

And then, and then not to be, not to be morbid. But sometimes it's something, you know how they say lipstick on a pig? Sometimes if you really just, if you think it through and you take contrary action like they talk about in certain recovery programs, a little bit of sparkle goes a long way. You click Jojo C-Wall. And I feel like her. I feel like a million dollars. It's very picture day. Queen.

So. Okay. So they told me that they walked in. You said, grab my hand. And you grabbed their hands. And they said no more than 90 seconds later, you were like, you can leave now and they left. Well, so, okay. So I just Cliff notes. I then endured 10 days. 1.0. That's three more than a week. And what you said to the Eleanor is absolutely true. I have no threshold for discomfort. I am Kim Cottrell. I do not want to spend more than 30, sorry. I do not want to spend more than 30 minutes of my life and doing something I don't want to do. do. So this was 24, 240 hours. Yes. And I think it was for the nurses. Hello. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. So I, so then, okay. So I didn't, I didn't watch one episode of television. I didn't listen to one song. Why? I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I could not be distracted. So I, I literally stared into space alone in the prison of my own body, famous of prison, Lady Gargar. I could not do anything. I listened to a one, I didn't talk by Alan Watts three times. Mind overmind, highly recommended on YouTube.

And that's all. I was just, I couldn't, there's nothing that could offer me relief. I couldn't even watch hacks on my iPad. I couldn't listen to things on my, I couldn't do anything because I just, there was, I don't know how to your abacus. I had my abacus. I had my Italian. McQuil.

I had pulling me ink, all the colors. And I, but I couldn't do anything. And then I listened to Mind over mine three times. That really helped. But this is what crazy would happen. I had to call our manager about day six, seven. Well, first of all, during my birthday, I had dreams. I went through a retrospective of every single thing I've done horribly wrong in my life,

starting from my first memory up into the present day. Vivid. It's been a long dream. It's been a long fucking dream. Must have been a real coma, honey. There's a thing in Game of Thrones that said, you know, my father always said there's, there's wisdom in one's mistakes. And she goes, you must be very wise by now.

It's like that. Very that. It's very that. A lot of night games. A lot of night games. Marla and also gives Alyssa Edwards when Sharon was like, I always said if I wasn't famous by 35,

I'd be a serial killer. And Alyssa goes, well, girl, how old are you? I'll get nervous. Love that shit. It's very bad. So then a couple of days later, Grandpa Flick,

no, this is, anybody who's seen Dr. Flick, when Grandpa Flick is in the camp dying, I'm not joking. I'm not, this is like, you know, Dr. Bean Flick. off, no bang, bald face, like telling truth.

I actually looked like him. I looked 70, David. David, I look 70. Get a fucking Walker and put me in it. Love you, but you. It was frightening, right? It was scary. I believe you. Yes. And I think we all believe that you could look like that.

Shut the fuck. I'm not being funny. No, I know. But you know how people like, I don't have. But it's more me. Even when you should. Even when you have a beach ball, you're like, Shangri-a-ha-ha-ha.

I got body. Dismorphia saved your life. No, I got body, um, body filia. Body euphoria. Body euphoria. You having body euphoria. You having body euphoria. I'm like, I think I have, I think I'm fucking Sydney, Sweeney with my cutoff sweater and

my underboob, like, bouncing. No, but that is me when I'm at stores. And I'm like, do you have a smaller size? And then I go try it on and it doesn't fit. I'm like, what is this shit? She's like, why is this place flopping so hard? But also, more importantly, how do I look this hot in this mirror? Right.

Why? Where is Lee Cronin? Where is he? Lee Cronin's the gap. Lee Cronin's justice. So I called our manager and I'm exasperated. Do you know why? Because for what appears, what in my consciousness feels like eight to ten hours,

I have been put through the ringer with our entire Netflix crew in the room. In the hospital room. And I'm doing ADR and they're shooting around my NG tube to do. half of a post-production reshoot and a marketing rollout for a Selma Hayek heist movie that's a Netflix original. Now, this is

out of anesthesia. I have not been, there's no, this is no psychoactive drug in my head for it more than, I would have past a piss test as my point. At this point. No one would take it. Does anybody want my pee?

Now's a good time. You saw it? It was right at there. It was dark orange. Tea. It? Well, it looked like tea. It looked like some of it. pumped motor oil in the tang and shook it looked like irish breakfast tea it was crazy it looked like url fog gray it looked like a london it looked like a fagato it looked like tapatio it was crazy it was the super spicy at the boat at the at the at the taco stand when you said when you mix the green and the red

it was crazy it was gross it was crazy it was like um sea monkeys it looked like blood no it it it was orange it was red and brown and orange thank you and then we got green in the in the coming out the NG tube it was like separate was the coat of many colors It was, there was sand on the bottom. You know, when you ever get that really smoky salsa that's like brown, it was like that floating in the bottom. No, for real. It was like separating like a sand art. It was Clint Eastwood's Grand Tarino.

Girl, and your nurse, Charlie's Africa, was in there testing it. And she said, she's like, ah. So then, so then. So I called David. It took me about 60 seconds to realize, he's like, it's like. First of all, he's incredulous. He doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. He's like, hey, yeah, I'll call Maddie.

But, uh, so, um, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you talk me? What do you think is happening? What are you talking about? What are you mean what I'm talking about? It's like, this is crazy. I was like, I know we have Netflix on the day. I was like, I know, I was like, I cannot do anything. I'm in the hospital.

I can't even go to the bathroom. He's like, he's like, okay. So there's nobody. So there's nobody. there. And that has... He's like... He's like...

You're so lucky you didn't call me. He's being gentler than I would have been. He's like... He's like... First of all, he's trying to figure out what I'm talking about. Right. So he's like in the same... He's like, his is like, what the fuck?

Are you talking about? Cracky? Right. Because I'm like so I'm so... Whatever. Then, knowing... I was like, oh my God, David, I'm crazy. I was like, David, I'm crazy.

He's like, well, it could be... It's the anesthesia. Like, you're... What is? that too. Also. And Dilaudid, which is a little bit psychoactive. It's a morphine. It's a morphine adjacent. With, with here is the, here is the catalyst.

You know how like in chemistry there's a chemical reaction from one comment that makes it a catalyst is a catalyst. Oh, yeah, yeah. No sleep. Oh, yeah. No sleep. You know, but Jan and Jackson. How much to sleep with no sleep? Gin and Jackson featuring Jay Cole

or Jay Smooth or Jay somebody. No sleep. So because the, the, the, every two hours every 20 minutes to two hours. That machine, what does that machine mean? I'm intentionally annoying the listeners. If you're on the 5, the 10 or the 110 or whatever right now, I'm going to be intentionally annoying.

Six bags, six alarms. Every time a bag of IV, whatever, you know, they had like fruit flavor. They got fruit. They got like. But what kicks it is no one comes in. Mama. Say it's like there's urgency. Say it again, girl, say it again.

No one comes in. I'm saying again, girl, say it in. No one comes in. Say it again. Say it again. No one comes in. Nobody came in. But it beeps like it's urgent.

Yeah. It beeps like it's a, nothing happens. No, and this is for real. Anybody who works as Cedars, whether you're a tech, whether you're, you better watch your mouth the next time you're in there, they're going to be like, isn't that bitch you said something? Had a lot to say about me in the press. Miley, what's good.

Oh, no, baby, baby, they're all on my side. We're all, we're all, oh, oh, you're kidding me? We're all at the town. We're all at the, we're all at the, Barbara. We're all at the gala. We're all, we're all, we're all, we're on yourself. We're all doing $2,500 a plate at the Cedars Sinai

Fundraiser. And we're all getting our pitchforks and torches out. Because we know everybody, staff, doctors, neurology, rheumatology, post-op, everybody, urology. Pre-op, post-op, post-op, Pussies, Thailand, anybody.

We know that those I-B towers are got to go. Right. So anyways, every, so that, I'm screaming. And it's also in the age of the Apple Watch, why don't we just notify them on their, So it's the same, the volume, but it's not necessarily the sound. It's the volume is the same volume at which a flat line would occur. Right.

It's a Boeing 7707. It's the same, like if you went, eh, it's, I'm not, not choking and everybody can attest to this. But how do you know what a flatlight sounds like? Because people were dying left and right. He died. Does that make sense? No, but I mean, I was like, there's no, I was like, this is, there's no louder sound than this. And everybody would, so fast forward, I, after my Vogue shoot.

So after Netflix got out of the room, thank God for David, our manager, I was like, oh, I'm crazy. I hallucinated this. That makes sense. Do you know what I almost did, though? I had a gig out of town and I was in drag. Do you know I almost stopped by in drag? You almost patch Adams me. With Pete, who's going to create our Patreon.

Yeah. I almost stopped by with him in drag like. Patch Adams. No, like John Cena visiting a kid in the hospital. You should have. I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so crestfallen that you didn't between that though and Jennifer actually showing up it would have made your dream made more sense yes yes it would have and also it would have probably so when Grace Coddington and I had finished our Vogue shoot for Vogue accessories right we did we did a huge long day it was I realized now it wants to see accessories they're gonna look at your hot glue lucky no no no do you realize that they had to rhinestone the NG tube and then it obviously it didn't work because it was so gross they had to shoot around me for the whole thing I've never felt more humiliated my entire life the first photographer, I could hear him making comments about how disgusting it was under his breath. They had put a ermist scarf over the suction to hide the draining nasty thing.

And it was the most exhaustive, real life dream or not dream in between twilight hallucination. I was fuming the whole time and I'm also hungry. But I was in solidarity because all the models were starving too and there was no crafty. Oh, they also, I remember they wouldn't give you water and you could only have ice chips. No, no, no, no. They said this. They said, if you really need to have relief, here's a toothpick with a, with a sponge at the end that you can swab the inside of your mouth with ice chip. I said, I took that cup, I threw that swab in the corner, I took the cup and I shoved it down my throat. But they told me it's because they needed to get more bile out of you before they could put more fluid in. Yes. And if they, if I do, if I drank or if I, if I chugged, if I threw a cup of water down there, it gets immediately sucked up through the tube. And then it dilutes the solution. So they, they do.

don't know how much I'm actually releasing. That's what they told me. But at a certain point, I was like, you know what? I understand that. At this point, tricks, the dolls are the dolls. Mama, the dolls were the dolls. I was like, I took those ice chips.

I know, we're almost, I know we're going over. But like, so, you know, ice, I don't know, chips. People don't, don't, don't. This big said, chips? Chips? Anything with chips. Frida, honey. Say, no more.

Chips. Oh, they baked or fried. Oh, thank you. I'll, I'll, we can talk about a diet in the step-down nutritional program. for the next episode. But one night, I was so I, then I started having nightmares during the four hours I was able to sleep from when I could, when the I, so they didn't come in to do, they come in to do blood pressure every two hours. So in addition to having six bags all time differently, beeping, it was so incredible with the NG tube.

So there's no sleep. There's tube, another tube, IV port, veins are collapsing, got to do the pick line up here. It was so crazy. It's a myth that you get to rest in the hospital. They wake you up constantly. So that was a big thing. I didn't know that. But you don't,

people who are in the hospital for 10 days are usually in the ICU. So, so I, so fast forward after the Vogue accessory shoots, which was a huge hit, by the way, despite me, they'd come me out of the whole thing. They,

have you seen Nurse Jackie? Anybody who's a fan of Merritt Weaver from Nurse Jackie, Merit Weaver Emmy winning actress, she's so funny. Is that Carmelosabrano? I know. Yes.

Yes. Yes. That's Jackie. Yes. And so her, and then the co-star, that movie, that show is so fabulous, by the way, Betty Gilpin. Eats. She just ate in Widows Bay. She eats and everything.

She just ate the shit out of Widows Bay. I did too as the wet hag who sat on the guy's face and got thrown off the thing with a recliner. Another story. But then so the day that she comes and I, she comes in with like, Audrey, here's a name. Audrey at Cedarssona, the nurse. You are the only nurse. There's a lot of great nurses, but she was, she comes in and she's got this like glint in her eye. And I'm like, what's going on?

It wasn't, it wasn't like, yeah, no, it was like, it was like, she had, there was some good news. Haven't you noticed anything? Yeah, she's like, so I, you know, I had to tell you about Glenn, right? My Glenn, you know, she comes in and she's got like a particular, she's a very upy person, super capable, very confident, not meek or anything. How much play her? Merritt Weaver. Oh, right. Like, down.

I'm in, down, down, loud, confident, funny as hell. personal, sweet, extremely talented, very, very, very good at her job. She comes in and I'm like, what is she doing? She's like, I'm paraphrasing. She's like, she sits on the same image and she's like, are you ready? I was like, ready for what? She's like, you know what? I was like, food.

The tube is coming out. I was like, the tube is coming. I was like, are you? I was like, don't you fucking play with me, bitch. Because if this was a joke, oh, I'll unplug myself. Merritt Weaver would be Samara Weaver ready or not being killed. I mean, I would have, I would have murdered her. Yeah.

I was like, you don't fuck with me like that bitch. She's like, oh yeah, it's coming out. And there was no, there was no. She was like, right now. And she just pulled. She said, take a deep breath in. And she was burn. No, no, no, no, no.

Like, she ripped that shit out. And I might. I would have done, I would have tied it to the door and slammed it like a loose tooth. It was basically, it was so long. I mean, it was... Well, it was disgusting and wet and gross. It was like, but it went, so... Probably like snotty, like, like, mucasy.

Well, yeah, it was totally... That sounds really gross. It was all the way down there. I don't like that. No, it was about 13, 16 inches. That's gross what you did. Yeah, yeah. You should be ashamed of yourself.

That's sick. Do you ever think about, you know, just die next time. That's sick. So she clown, clown, um, thing... What is that? with the, yeah, and then, and I was, so she, I am transcending. I'm lifting off, I'm evil dead rising off of the hospital of bed in, by the way, shit the bed, whoops. And then, yeah, and that was the night to light, but I was like, you know, you probably shut the bed

and looked over like that, that, that, that, um, that Satan baby. No, that's what she did to me what to think about. She's like, she was like, she was like. And then she was, like, right. And then she was left. She didn't even work there. She was a ghost the whole time. It was a fan. It was a fan. She took it. Turns out the doctor was a woman. She's selling it on eBay. I'm going to go home and have sex with my wife. She just left.

And that's it. And that's it. And that's the history. And then you got to go home. When did you get to start eating food though? Well, so then when the tube came out, the happiness was short-lived. I mean the happiness, it was literally, I became, it was like, well, I'm Belah deed. But then they

they slapped me in the face and so in the hospital. Then there was a countdown to All right, it was like, I got the, I was Beatrix kiddo in the car Like, wiggle your big toe. Let's get those other, the piggy's wiggling, right? I got the big toe. Did they give you chicken nuggets or something fun?

I'll save it for next time. It's like bone broth, wasn't it? I'll save it for next time because it's diabolical. But let's just say, mama, you can't get out of it. You are not leaving this pussy wagon until you shit the bed. When I realized, when I got up to go to the bathroom,

and that incredible down comforter that our manager had got me to like pad that nasty hospital seat and I saw that brown mess you would think I'd be horrified you would think I'd be ashamed I said day oh Dayo

Day light come and me gone go home Day me say shit me say shit me say shit the bed I shit the bed and then I went home So I think I think next week we can kind of put a button on this story and then we can talk about all the other things we miss because there's a lot of life

that didn't you know after the hospital there's life after the hospital so I think I'm good Follow me on Twitter. Bye.