The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - You're Someone or You're Someone Else with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Chunky or creamy, innie or outie, hot or cold, tall or short, spicy or mild, text or call, sweet or sour, clean or dirty, gentle or rough, baked or fried, wet or dry, pizza or pasta, confetti or glitter, loud or quiet, elbows or knees, sparkling or still! Whether life serves you lemons or lemonade, give yourself a kiss today, 'cuz honey you were born some way. Consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you’re away, as your home might be worth more than you think! Find out how much at https://Airbnb.com/HOST This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS an additional 30% off when you shop at https://Blissy.com/BALDPOD Your skin and hair will thank you! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: https://workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. By the time you get that breach notification email,

the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert so you can act before the damage is done. Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a

US based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial, plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's A U R A dot com slash defense. Certain terms apply so be sure to check the site for details. This week's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Noom. Noom baby. Noom, leaders in behavior change weight

loss, now offers Noom GLP-1, a compound somaglutide. Noom GLP-1 is affordable starting at $149 and for those who qualify Noom GLP-1 is available to ship to your door in seven days. Noom combines the proven weight loss program with GLP-1 so you can lose weight and keep it off. And Noom is more than just meds. I mean you can have it shipped to your door in seven days and Noom pairs GLP-1 meds with proven weight loss programs that has helped millions of people lose weight. Noom GLP-1 starts at $149 and is delivered to your door in seven days. Start your GLP-1 journey today at Noom.com. That's N-O-O-M dot com. Noom, the smart way to lose weight. Not all customers will medically qualify for prescription medications. Compounded medications are not reviewed

by the FDA for safety, efficacy, or quality. Okay, Martin, let's try one. Remember, big. You got it. The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that? A little bigger. The Ford It's a Big Deal event.

Nice. Now the offer? Lease a 2025 Escape Active all-wheel drive from 198 bi-weekly at 1.99% APR for 36 months with $27.55 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week. Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford It's a Big Deal event.

Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.ca today. Why not? Exactly. Transgender life. No matter black, white or beige, chola or orient made. Wait. No, no, no. No matter black, white or beige. You know what lyric I got yesterday? I saw a Tik Tok of her singing this yesterday. It's so weird that you brought that. Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. No, no, no. No matter black or white or beige. You know what lyric I got yesterday? I saw a Tik Tok of her singing this yesterday. It's so weird that you brought that. Wait, no.

Lady Gaga? It was this morning. What is it? It was this morning while I was cooking eggs. Eggs? Girl, I went big this morning. But wait, what was the lyric before you forget? She was playing her piano with her gown on

and she said, how may I put my lipstick on in the glass of her boudoir, and I was like, I never got glass. It's the mirror. She's calling the mirror the glass. I never got it. Wow, well, you know, I listen, I mean- Oh, I know.

I thought it was a wine glass. Pouring over the glass. I thought a val, you know. No, that lyric I always understood. I'm still at a loss of black, white, beige, chola descent. You're Lebanese. You're Orient. Yeah.

So I mean, if you're thinking about, I don't want to drag her through the mud. Of course, she's a very talented, lovely woman. But when you're writing a song, you're a songwriter, big time. Big time. Huge. Huge if true.

Walk me through this. I think she has her own, you know what? I think it was written by someone else. Huge if true. Walk me through this. I think she has her own, you know what? I think it was written by someone else. I'm like a stan of that shit, of Miss Litty Gaga. So you won't catch me. No, I'm not trying to bring her down, pull her down. I'm not trying to drag her by any means. I'm really not.

I'm trying to lightly pet her. Right. It doesn't matter if you love butter or non-daring margarine. Put your claws up. Cause you have toenails, baby. You know, yeah, I was, I just think it's wild. Cause I understand in songwriting, like often it's nonsense. Look at some of the ABBA songs, look at some of any songs.

It's like, that's that me espresso, you know? Yeah. Like it's, it doesn't, if it sounds cool and it works for you, then great. But you're Lebanese, you're Orient. It's so crazy to me. I think it's wild. It's a big swing. No, it's a bizarre swing.

The 2025 version will be, you're someone and you're someone else. You can't say anything. Oh, I love that, though. I love that. It's like, we are someone and someone else. It's like, you're North Canadian or You can't say anything. Oh, I love that, though. I love that. We are someone else. It's like you're North Canadian or you're from Laos.

It's too specific. Too specific. Whether you're from Vancouver or Piedmont, North Dakota, you were born this way, faggot. Now put your pussy in the air and squirt. My mama told me that I was gay. You know, that's what I would do. Looking at the glass of a crack pipe.

Can I say, you know, it's funny that you brought her up because I wrote down a bunch of topics to talk about today. Girl, number one, I was making breakfast this morning and I watched a TikTok video of her singing that. Whenever I see her singing alone with the piano, I stop swiping. I always watch she's incredible if she could just sing like that if she could just write music like that if you could just play piano like that if she could just dance you'd be like love all I love any of them but she

does it all she does at the same time multiple choice question of talent re lady Gaga it's all of the above. Girl, Stephanie showed up and showed out. She does, she continues to do so. You were born this way, faggot. No matter, you could be from Ghent, Belgium, or from the continent of Africa. Maybe whether you're from Brussels,

or whether you're from Cairo, you better get that Pride flag, bitch. Yeah. You could be one of those, well, the thing is... You could be from Santa Barbara. Yeah. Or you could be... Well, I mean, not, you know, orient, as it refers to people, is not exactly politically correct.

Right. Rugs are oriental, let's say. It's... People are Asian. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah are oriental, let's say. It's ironically. People are Asian. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

You're, I mean, there's other. When I use the word orient, it's typically. I feel like there's other three syllable words that describe a nationality, big swaths of them. Sure. Well, you know, she's not coming on our pod. So she hasn't asked. She hasn't made an effort.

Wait, are you aware of this, the proliferation of A-list celebs on like... I don't know what the term is, like, not super duper popular like podcasts. Like... Love it. I love it too, but it's like, like, Las Culturistas, for example. I mean, I guess that is a... That's pretty popular, isn't it? Yeah. Okay, damn. Well, I mean, it's like...

You just hate gay men. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like the chicken shop girl, she's got a huge Ackman. Yeah. You know? Yeah. A huge Ackman. A huge Ackman. A huge Ackman.

This morning I had a piece of wheat toast with butter. Then I had three eggs and two fake sausage patties for breakfast. Fake as in they weren't there or they were... You're blowing ass. Did you blow ass? No. Now how do we prepare the eggs? Well, lately I want, for a while I was doing a lot of putting, like whipping them up and

adding stuff and lately I've just wanted salt and pepper, like butter in the pan and just flip, flip. That's it. What do you call that? Is that sunny side up? No, and I don't like runny. So I pop the yolk and, and pop the yolk and tell the joke. Miss stinky McGee coming through with the poke.

It doesn't matter if you're eating eggs or you're from Vietnam. Doesn't matter if you're Catholic or something not Catholic. See, there you go. That actually just covers everybody. Oh my God. Wait, how do you prepare that? What's the, what is the, the, what is it? Scrambled over easy, over medium?

What? I think it's over hard. Over hard? Over suggests you're flipping. Okay. And hard suggests you pop the yolk. I didn't know that. Yeah.

What about a poached egg? What do you do? Don't know how to do it. I heard you can do it in the microwave. What about eggs Florentine? Don't know what it is. Okay. You could either be from Florence

or you could be Florence Nightingale. Well, I watched that TikTok of Lavina, the Amish girl, and she said, you know, she's like, I'm going to show you guys how to cook an egg. And she was like, an Amish approach to cooking an egg, you got to use a lot of butter. And I started doing it. It's incredible. Like on the pan.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, of course you do. What else are you going to use? I used to put some butter just to make sure it was a stick, but now I've been doing more to make it like taste good. Yeah, I mean, of course you do. What else are you gonna use? I used to put some butter just to make it a stick, but now I've been doing more to make it like taste good. Yeah, butter's fabulous. Who knew butter makes food taste good? You ever tried ghee?

G-H-E-E? It's a gorgeous butter from India. Doesn't matter if you're Indian or you're something else. Gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever tried ghee, honestly? Don't know what it is. Oh, it's like, isn't it like a...

It's, I think it's falsely called, falsely referred to as clarified butter. It's a very like... Who would play her? Great question, Caramel would play her, honestly. Miss Caramel 1999, Miss Werther's original light. No, it's like, it has almost a caramel quality to it. It's a very dense...

Caramel quality is not a bad drag name. Caramel quality in champagne dreams. Caramel quality in champagne Cadillac. What is it? It's... Oh, champagne Cadillac. I love that. What is it? It's caviar wishes in champagne dreams and caviar wishes, I think it's what it is. Black, white, beige, chola, descent. Yeah. You're lesbian. You're not lesbian. wishes and champagne dreams and caviar wishes. Black, white, beige, chola, descent.

Yeah. You're lesbian. You're not lesbian. I'm at the event. Wait, you're, um, you're. We need to stop labeling people. Thank you. Let people eat pussy and not identify as a lesbian.

I love it. You know, I feel like as gay people, we try to qualify people's gayness. Girl, if you're the type of gay guy who only likes your dick sucked, that's fine. And you don't wanna say you're gay, I'm not like up in arms about it. No, I don't think, I'm not either.

Let's let you live. It's nobody's business, like it's nobody's business and also- Don't vote for fucked up shit. Well, that's a different issue though. I hate when people are like, oh, a straight guy slept with you? Well, is he straight then?

I'm like, Yeah. He says. Yeah, that's what he describes himself What am I gonna say? No, I know the truth about him this stranger that I met on sniffies, right? I don't know I mean, it's like people qualifying like you're not a real Catholic or you're not a real, you know, that's funky now that's funky That's funky. But like you're not a real Catholic because you had an abortion. Thank you. Whatever You know, I had a real Catholic is used to condom

Boop I just am really the the infighting the qualifying the you know Yeah, people deciding that they are the judge jury executioner of someone's gayness Yeah, I'm like, maybe that person is basically straight but once in a while she sleeps with a girl sweetie. Let her live Thank you. I sleep on the floor sometimes right Right. That doesn't make me like a crazy person Yeah, no sometimes it's really like you just need a little good old hard level out You do I told my rheumatologist. I said I get this strong urge to sleep on the floor Sometimes it's the only thing that helps my back. You got a nice rug She said that's then the textbook for arthritis. Love it.

Is like, if you have an urge to sleep on the floor. I said, well. I love it. Am I a floor fan? Do I have an urge to sleep on the floor? So the reason I brought you here today was to talk to you about how are these faggots going to obtain these Beyonce and Lady Gaga tickets?

How are these faggots gonna persevere? Like, I really like that Cowboy Carter shit, and I really like that Mayhem shit, but I don't think I'm willing to die for it. Sweetie, let me tell you something. I'm not a huge, Beyonce is definitely not in my top five artists, you know, because they're all like irrelevant,

bizarre Russian artists from the 2000s. Beyonce would be complimented. Yes, oh yes, she'd be like, thank God, thank God. That 2000s. You're asking it would be complimented. Yes. Oh, yes. She'd be like, thank God, thank God. That person with no taste doesn't like me. Yeah, I am at a loss because I saw the Renaissance movie, all three hours of it, and that show is electrifying. That show is truly electrifying.

I mean, she really pulled that pussy out and she put it in the wind for three hours. And so, and I think that you really did get a wonderful kind of experience, no matter where you were sat. However, I am not into this country stuff. I'm not into this cowboy kind of do-si-do, lion dancing, yada, yada, yada.

So I would not be attending this concert, but I am shocked that like- You're going to see Morgan Wallen? Oh, hello? Yes, take me to God's country. Ah! Oh my God, did you see? I sure fucking did see. You're going to see Morgan Wallen. Hello? Yes, take me to God's country. Oh my God, did you see? I sure fucking did.

Did you see? Like, take me to God's country. God's on a private jet. Girl, did you see what I put on Instagram today? Salted the earth. Somebody put, take me to God's country. It is a screenshot of our two chairs on a green screen. Yes!

It's so wild. It's so awesome. It's so... Imagine going to Saturday Night Live. I don't know Morgan Wallen. I don't care to beat him, but imagine going and not just doing your job, which is to just wave to your fans for 10 seconds. It's like so easy.

Revel in the exhilaration of doing this with these people. It's a huge opportunity. You could have a different political view and just say, thank you for having me. Or don't go on the woke liberal media news outlet. You know what I mean? I'm not going down to Mississippi. Yeah, go on the funny conservative programs.

Good luck finding one faggot. Okay. I mean, I don't go down to Gatorville and do my drag on a swamp, a swamp boat. I should. You know what I mean? I'm not going down to the Grand Ole Opry. Lana Del Rey is going down there and she's marrying people.

But she's Miss Tractor 1999. That's her jam now. She's covering all that bass. Maybe she's not on a tractor. She's living her water boy life. She's like, oh, she's a foosball. She's on one of those. What are the boats with the oscillating fan on the back?

That's the swamp boat. It's the, she's on the swamp boat. Girl, she's got, don back? That's the swamp boat. It's the, she's on the swamp boat. Girl, she's got, don't forget me. Long white chiffon. Caught in the thing. Head chopped off immediately. Photographed.

Photographed by Chuck. Air boats. Hard nipples, air boat. It looks fun though. Looks super fun. No, the mosquitoes and all the humidity, not so much fun. I've never been to the proper, what would you call that though?

Bayou. Yeah, no like the- Swamp. The glades. Everglades humidity, not so much fun. I've never been to the proper, what would you call that? Bayou? Yeah, no, like the... Swamp. The glades. Everglades, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never really seen that. Like in Florida. Yeah, I bet it's cool, but the heat.

The heat and the bugs is too much. The bug-tinas. Bug-tina, yeah. Let me tell you about Los Angeles. I got a massage last week in my backyard with no bug tent, no nothing, no deet, no citronella candles, no nothing, no way. Skin untouched by Miss Bug-alina. 90-minute massage, no bug bites, no nothing, no deep, no citronella candles, no nothing, no way. Skin untouched by Miss Bug-a-lina. 90 minute massage, no bug bites.

Love it. There are no bugs in LA, because they smell the air and they go, boop, we're not, no boop. We're not dumb people, we're leaving. They live in San, they live in, they live in San Diego. They're Lebanese, they're Orient.

They're living, they have little, they have subsidized housing in Oceanside. They're good. They're going to a Mr. Del Mar. They're little, they have subsidized housing in Oceanside, they're good. They're going to Vista Del Mar. They're going to Vista Del Mar, no. There's so many places in California I've never been. Redondo? No.

Manhattan? I've never been to wine country. Northern California to me is such a mystery. Oh, but you said in California, I'm sorry. Okay, what about in LA though? Or in Southern California, have you been to Manhattan Beach? Redondo Beach? Redondo Beach? Palis Verdes?

I went to the gay one. That's Ginger Rogers. That's not really- She certainly was not there, so they need to work on the advertising. No, I think it may be something else kind of Rogers, but they've dubbed it Ginger Rogers, because it's the-

Oh, it's Will Rogers. Will Rogers, yeah, we say Ginger Rogers. Yeah, and you know, I've gone down there and I never see like the cock sucking. I walk up to these people in their little towels listening to Lady Gaga. Wait, are you serious? And I go, are you going to suck his cock? And they're like, who are you? Are you Lebanese? Are you Orient? Well, then prove it.

You need to get down there and gobble that chode, honey. You need to get down there and gobble that chode, honey. You need to press that button. I'm not here to swim. Although do you remember one time I went there? This is like last year. Remember I went there and I was like, you know, feeling very Caucasian beach whale tea, feeling very- Caucasian beach whale tea. That's what I was really feeling. Fat and white. Yeah, feeling sunburned, feeling unattractive, feelingive feeling bald right got my free sunglasses on that say Tito's shout out to Tito's Work Tito's over today by the way Tito's and I look to my left and fucking I know we talked about this Fucking Gigi coming out of the water throwing her hair back in a two-piece swimsuit flagrant And I like beauty oh Gigi Gigi. I think it took her 17 minutes to realize, oh. Oh, that's not a beached whale?

That's not someone cat calling me. This is a friend or family member, you know? It's fierce. It's fierce. I mean, I love when a dog gets out of the water. You don't see that too much. You don't see it too much. I mean.

It's truly breathtaking. And she really gave. She cheated out to me as if I was about to take a photo. I think when you're a real model like that, every moment is an opportunity. Yeah, they're like. Completely. Yeah, they're like. Completely.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hello, today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by BetterHelp. I would like to be vulnerable for a moment. I have found that now that I'm so much happier and I feel great, I have been skimping on my talk therapy. And I find that if I skimp on that, it manifests in my body. It's almost like my arthritis and my sleep and my body and the way I eat, my attitude all starts to tell me

that I have been like skipping leg day mentally, if that makes sense. And your state of mind is just as important as your physical health and with therapy it's a really good reminder that all of that can be very connected, right? In western medicine we think of our head and our body as like two different doctors, but me trying to take better care of my body has so much to do with taking the best care I can of my mind. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from a hundred to two hundred fifty dollars per session which adds up fast, but with online therapy, baby, you can save on average up to fifty

percent per session. Plus I have a, you know, little offer for you to save even more, but we'll get to that later. Your mental health is so worth it and now it's so in reach, alright? I've benefited from therapy. I cannot tell you how much therapy helps my arthritis. I can't explain it, but you know, your body tries to tell you things that your brain is like too shy to speak up about, and it really helps with my pain management. With over 30,000 therapists,

BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it's very convenient. You guys just last week, my housekeeper was over and she was cleaning. And you know, Maria doesn't need to hear about my personal struggles. And I love being able to take my computer in the backyard and just completely do therapy without having to get in the car or take an Uber and just have a private backyard therapy experience. If you've got a roommate, it can be really embarrassing to, you know, do it in the car, take an Uber, and just have a private backyard therapy experience. If you got a roommate, it can be really embarrassing to,

you know, do it in the common space, but you can do it anywhere, do it in your room closet. Your wellbeing is worth it, all right? Visit betterhelp.com slash bald today and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bald. Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful, sponsored by Airbnb.

You guys, I'm currently planning another trip up to Wasacki, Wisconsin, my hometown. Hi, Wasacki! Hey, hey to the folks! And like I told you guys, we got two motels in town, and honestly, when I go up there, there's almost no restaurants in that town. There's only maybe, you can go eat at the bowling alley, or like, you know, if you're lucky enough, maybe one of the restaurants on the weekend will be open, but like on a Tuesday night, when I might get into town, if I don't eat dinner by like six, I'm messed up.

So I love staying in an Airbnb because there's gonna be access to a stove, a fridge. All I have to do is bring a few ingredients and I can make myself breakfast. I love to make eggs and toast in the morning from scratch, like, you know, without having to go out and find food. I'm one of those bitches who wakes up hungry, okay? And it's great because I can travel with friends,

I could pick people up in Milwaukee with my, and then drive them up north, and then me and four friends all can have our own bedrooms, which is so much better for a trip than like four hotel rooms where you don't see each other. So if you're planning a trip or going back to visit your hometown like me this year, consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you're away.

It's the perfect way to earn a little extra cash to put towards your next vacation fund or that treat yourself splurge purchase you've been eyeing. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Do you know Alex Kansani? She is a transgender diva model, like the high fashion model,

who's probably one of the funniest people in the world. She knows- And a fabulous Notary Public. Yes, the only Notary Public. Yeah, you have a document in the Northern Hemisphere, mama, you need to go to Miss Consani. Just get to Miss Consani. And she can sign.

But she's the one that's like, did you pray today? Did you pray today? I had never heard that. She is so, you gotta get into her. When's the last time you really prayed? Thank you. Never?

Oh, I don't know. No, I prayed a lot. Pray. Ha ha ha! Who about what? You know, different things, certain issues, different like, you know, activities. No, I could tell some time you prayed,

when you like, are about to open a piece, an item of Taco Bell, and you're, you asked for no cheese. Mama, that's a hope. That's a hope and a dream, not a prayer. And they put cheese on there, what do you think, 50% of the time when you ask for enough? No, no, no, no, to their credit, it is very rare. Although I gotta tell you something, when I went to,

I was, I often get to the point during the day where I'm starving for lunch, because I don't really love lunch. And so the other day I begrudgingly shuffled over to Erv's Burgers right there on Santa Monica Boulevard. And I say, this is my order, I sound like a crazy person. I sound like Amy Adams or something, Julianne Moore in Safe. I'm like, can I get a hamburger?

Just, just bun and meat, no cheese. I don't want a hamburger with any cheese on it. No cheese. No sauce I just want to try cheese. That's what you think but I got to reiterate after after decades of being disappointed in being thrown in the mud Yeah So I was like trying to make myself extremely clear annoyingly clear and ridiculously clear so I get home There's cheese on the burger, I throw it. I threw the burger across the room and I screamed. Luckily, it was just a half a block away.

So I marched to my ass right back and just said, there was cheese on this. Oh, thank God. Yeah, but I'm telling you, I can't do it. It's like, oh, did you want period blood in your shake, ma'am? Well, I would actually prefer that than cheese. You just walked out like Morgan Wallen. Yes!

You just left in the middle. I hugged, um, I hugged, I hugged Jenna Ortega, wherever the fuck it was. Um, oh no, Mikey Madison, I gave her a kiss and I just stormed out onto my private plane because I need to go back to God's country. Give me to God's country. What do you think about that? Which is what? It's just people who are like, honest, Bible thumping, God fearing, red state folks who are the true heart and soul of America. The true heart and soul of America.

The flyover states are not a monolith. I need these people to all figure it out because did you see what happened in Wisconsin this week? It was horny. It was really fucking horny. How horny was it? So Wisconsin has a weird law where people can spend a lot more on elections. And this was like the most expensive.

Corrupt? Well, Elon Musk was giving away, he flew to Green Bay to give away a million dollar check to someone. He was paying voters to vote. Isn't that illegal? He was tweeting, oh, if you're in Wisconsin, go door to door. And if you're knocking on doors, have them take a picture with the Republican candidate

and I will Venmo you $20 some shit. That sounds like against the law. Maybe that's all out the window. He was on the news being like, you know, on Fox News, like, you know, however he talks. And he was saying, oh, it's razor thin race. It's a razor thin race. That's why I'm going to Wisconsin to spend all this money. What he didn't tell people is that he's currently in like a lawsuit because Wisconsin doesn't want any Wisconsin only allows car sale selling companies. They don't allow like, um, I think they have laws where they don't allow people to go there and be the company and sell their

own cars. They use the dealerships or whatever. And he was trying to get around that and be fierce and cute. So he obviously has his own motives. So there's pictures of him in Wisconsin with a cheese head on being like, like my hat. I'm like bitch name a packer hello Thank you fucking mouth name a name a city girl name cheese. Thank you Say where you are on the map even thank you And so you know for him to go to Green Bay, which is a very like, you know Red part of Wisconsin and you don't do that. Try and take him shit It's like who cares and then he fiercely they fiercely lost by 10% He spent millions and millions and millions of dollars.

Love to see it, love. What's like $24 million or something? Mom, is that $24 million could have gone to the local homeless shelter, God's country. I love to see people lose money. Well, you must love it. Get this. You must love being friends with me.

Love. Well, I'm DJing, next Friday I'm DJing the Hacks premiere party. Yes. And I watched Hacks. Oh baby! Yes! Ooh, there ain't no other way.

Because I sat down with my computer and I watched the show and I pulled tracks from the show and pulled tracks inspired by the show. So loved it. Let me tell you something. So I remember everything, because I've legit watched every episode three times. So in the first season, you know,

the fabulous Black Jack Dealer, the girl, the girl, they were, so they play a song by Selena Gomez in the car. Where she sings it. Yes, she sings it, it's so funny. I actually thought that was a fake song created by the show to like, just, you know, to make it seem kind of like a,

kind of bad. A bad pop song. Yeah. And then I was like, whoa, this was a hit. This was like a hit. I needed to hate you to love me or something like that. It was very unmusical, very, but I guess it was a big hit. And anyways, okay, another chance for Selenators to come and call me jobless. Stay mad jobless. Keep crying.

Keep crying bald jobless. But what did you think? It was great, right? It was great. I'm on, how about you? What? Like maybe three episodes into season two. Oh, fab.

It's great. The first, the pilot's really cunt. The pilot's really cunt. The pilot's really cunt. The scene where she comes into the, you know, she interviews Deborah's house and then Deborah chases her down the driveway and offers her the job.

It's just so great. I cried a few times. Yeah. It's a dramedy, honestly. She is such a good actress. The part where Jean Smart is telling her that she tried the new material. And she's like, you know, and her dad, the girl's dad dies.

Yeah. And Ava, Ava's dad's dead. And they're sitting in her childhood bedroom. Oh, that was a big. For Deborah Vance to show up to her dad's funeral. That was a big one. And do the crowd work and make everyone laugh. It was beautiful. Yeah. And, um, Hannah is such a good actress and they're both such good actresses.

And then the part where, um, I cried a few times, the part where she's like, so you tried the new material, how did it go? And she was like, I bombed, but she is talking like somebody who's been on autopilot as a comic for all these years. And she's talking about the thrill of bombing. And you see it in her eyes and she's such a good actress. You're just like. She is legendary. Miss Jean Smart serves her to you.

She really does. She's so pretty. And every delivery is so dry. She's so fucking mean in that. I love how mean she is. Oh yeah. A guarded, I guess is the word. It's unfair to call her mean.

No, she can be pretty mean. I mean, but like, you know, it's always coming, yours understand where it comes from. Mean, not evil, let's say. No, no, not evil. Not, not, not vindictive or anything. Well, whatever. And then the scene where she has that blowout with Ava

and she goes like, and she goes, cause she's, she's, she finds out that she went to that job interview. Yes. And she's like, this is my life. And she's telling her like, you know, my career is not something for you to fuck with. This isn't just a job. This is my life. And she's telling her like, you know, my career is not something you can fuck with.

This isn't just a job. This is my life. I was crying. I keep crying. I stay crying. Couldn't believe that guy she fucked killed himself. I act, you know what's funny? I saw that coming. You did? I did. I was like, so this is obviously too good to be true. This person is not going to be around. What's the scam? I was like, there's going to be a big scam with this guy. I thought he was either gonna rip her off or something,

or there was gonna be something bad happen. I was not surprised. That was great. Did I tell, I think I told you about this. Last time I was in Vegas, they were doing Formula One. Do you know what this is? Car racing. Okay, so they have these, they don't want to play cars. Drag racing.

Oh, the real drag racing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they're drag racing. Drag race has been real silent since drag race showed up. Yeah. Honestly, cause drag racing is, fuck, who. I don't know if they're drag racing. Drag race has been real silent since Drag Race showed up. Honestly, because drag racing is fuck, who cares? Who cares? Driving in a circle, that's just called trying to find a parking spot. Thank you, thank you.

Who cares? That's called going to Koreatown for dinner. Hello! Yes, so I was there and they had a hotel room for me. That's so LA and so real though. It was those glass, big glass walls like in the episode. Yeah. And I could see the they formula one race on the street. On the street. So it's blocked off and they have these giant lights installed.

Watching cars drive faster than I've ever seen in my life. I mean it's scary. I think it's scary. It is scary. I was pretty drunk and so I was kind of like it was almost cartoonish where I was like it's yeah yeah, what? Like I couldn't believe how fast they were going. It's really wild, yeah. What other moments of Hacks have you, what about Kayla, next to her? Girl, I text Meg, I said,

I'm watching your program. And she was like, what program? And I was like, I'm watching Hacks. I said, I love all your hair and makeup and outfits. Also, her putting on the pajamas, the silk laundry and getting on the bed and hitting her boss. Oh, when they go, and renting him like a Lamborghini.

Yeah, so fierce. And her dad being like, you know, her being unfireable is so funny. So good. She's like, do you need, I mean, she's just so wildly, hilariously inept at every single part of the job. It's so great. She's so, I mean, I don't use this word often. Magnetic. Oh, are you kidding me? I am like. I'm watching for her in her scene.

I'm just like, and then obviously her counterpart, the gentleman who plays her boss. Paul Downs. Co-writer. He has to, he has to, Phoenix, Arizona, it's all these robo-calls.

Mary, I've been getting spammed with a wazoolisk. It's wild. Next. He has to be with her and ground the scene and be so for real, which she's so fucking bogus. They are so good together. It's the Jimmy, Kayla chemistry. It's such a great, like, because it's just such a good symmetry

of these, like, pairing off chemistries. Like, the dynamic between Ava and Deborah is so, so compelling. The dynamic between Kayla and Jimmy is so compelling. The dynamic between, um, uh, uh, what's his name? Um, Damien and, um, Josefina is so compelling and then, uh, Deborah and, uh, uh, Marcus, I mean, everybody, it's like such a good, everybody's doing their best. Yeah, it's really, it's like a list. I love it.

Yeah. I knew I would love it. I just happy I had, um had a paid opportunity to watch it. I know. I couldn't go DJ the party and I've never seen it. So I'm finishing binging it this week so that when I get to the party, I'm ready for the premiere.

Yes, I'm jealous because I can't go home. I'm going to see Orville's gala. Oh, fuck Orville. He's always doing something. I'm worried, Mary. What about? I'm worried about this production of Cabaret. Why? I hope it's not too long.

Girl, we're, people don't know we're going to see Orville's, uh, he's doing a preview kind of night for his friends and family for Cabaret. No, it's a gala. A gala. Or a gala. Gala. Not really sure which. You know, you gotta wear a suit.

So that's what I want to talk to you about. We're fine. You want to make money? Wear a suit. So that's what I wanna talk to you about. We're fine. You wanna make money? Wear a suit. I have one nice suit and it was given to me, Sia gave it to me from her husband's closet. I think she was like, figure yourself out. Listen, for the folks at home,

you know folks at home might not know, I am not an economist, but I know that the best defense against financial ruin is a side ponytail. A side ponytail. RuPaul is killing it on the TikTok. Shit, mama, she's killing me. She's, can I help you? A bag on the side of the head.

Just, I just, she is... She posted one today that was like, don't worry about how many fucking TikToks I'm making. Cutting me up, cutting me up. how many fucking TikToks I'm making. Cutting me up. Cutting me up. This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by Blissy. While I am a folliculary challenged human and prefer to go through life with my beautiful head on full display, I still have skin on my head as well as on my face. And that skin needs moisture.

Even when I sleep, I don't have time for crazy facials or days at the spa. I have things to go and places to be. So instead of getting up at the crack of dawn to undergo a seven step moisturizing routine, I get a head start while I sleep with a thing called Blissey. Blissey is an award winning dermatologist recommended silk pillowcase that protects my delicate skin with naturally hydrating silk fibers

that keep me moisturized all night long. Plus they're easy to care for and machine washable. Since I started sleeping on this little piece of magic, I've noticed how Blissy has helped me to wake up fresh as a daisy, looking less like a gargoyle and more like a regular human man. Don't let regular pillows make your hair look like one of my wigs after a show where the HVAC broke down. With a Blissy pillowcase, you can sleep well at night knowing that you'll wake up

ready to slap the world across the face and be an undisputed champion of life. Plus, I love that they're antibacterial and hypoallergenic so they don't clog my delicate pores. They're even cool to the touch so they help me manage my epic night sweats. I used to wake up in a puddle of my own perspiration but now I arise from bed refreshed and chilled like I slept on a sheet of ice. Take it from both me and the 3 million people who've already bought these pillowcases. They're simply amazing. And because you're a listener, Blissy is offering 60 nights risk free plus an additional 30% off when you shop at blissy.com slash bald pod. That's bliscy.com slash bald pod and use code bald pod to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you.

This week's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Noom. Noom, baby. I live in Los Angeles, so okay. When people started doing GLP-1s and, you know, using that to assist their weight loss, it was everyone around me. Some people were telling me about it, some people weren't.

And now it's like pretty out in the open and everybody talks about it. And that's very helpful because it helps more people know exactly what it is and what's going on. So Noom Leaders in Behavior Change Weight Loss now offers Noom GLP-1, a compound summer glutide. Noom GLP-1 is affordable starting at $149. And for those who qualify, Noom GLP-1 is available to ship to your door in 7 days. Noom combines the proven weight loss program with GLP-1 so you can lose weight and keep it off. And Noom is more than just meds. You can have it shipped to your door in 7 days and Noom pairs GLP-1 meds with proven

weight loss programs that has helped millions of people lose weight. Noom GLP-1 comes with Companion, your guide to better and more sustainable GLP-1 weight loss. And it just helps you build a happy and healthier, more consistent lifestyle because it's about maintaining weight loss. You get access with Noom GLP-1 to a doctor, a coach, and a supportive community, all from an app on your phone. Noom GLP-1 starts at $149

and is delivered to your door in seven days. Start your GLP-1 journey today at noom.com. That's N-O-O-M dot com. Noom, the smart way to lose weight. Not all customers will medically qualify for prescription medications. Compounded medications are not reviewed by the FDA for safety, efficacy, or quality.

This podcast is brought to you by Aura. By the time you hear about a data breach, your information has already been exposed for months. On average, companies take 277 days to report a breach. That's nine months where hackers have access to your personal data, your name, address, phone number, even your social security number before you even know it's out there. Think about it. Nine months is enough time for criminals to open accounts in your name,

rack up debt and disappear, all while you're left dealing with the mess. And when the company finally tells you, it's too late, the damage is already done. Data breaches aren't slowing down, they're getting bigger and the delays in reporting them aren't slowing down. They're getting bigger. And the delays in reporting them aren't helping. Right now, your personal information

could already be on the dark web, and you wouldn't even know it. How long do you want to wait before taking action? That's why we're thrilled to partner with Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. Additionally, Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance, offering a robust safety net in the event of a worst-case scenario.

Aura goes the extra mile by scanning the dark web for your sensitive info and alerting you instantly if anything is found. And if ID theft strikes, no need to panic. Or as US-based 24-7 broad resolution team works around the clock to fix it fast and get you back on track. Or as a complete online safety toolkit, which includes a variety of other features

to keep you safe online, including a VPN for secure browsing, data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your personal information, a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords, and more. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense.

That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a u r a.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. The other thing I love from hacks was when it's Deborah's last show and I also love her dynamic with the guy who owns the hotel who she's kind of Marty. He's so would fuck would love love that guy. Love the hotel who she's kind of talking about. Oh, Marty. He's so, would fuck. Would. Love, love.

Love that guy, love the palm. Shooter McGavin. Shooter McGavin. From Happy Gilmore. Oh, I don't know, I've never seen it. Oh, Happy Gilmore is an Adam Sandler movie where he's a golfer. Oh, sure, sure, sure.

And his golf rival is him, the actor. Shooter McGavin. He's evil and he's so fun. He's such a great, everybody's doing it. He's awesome. I love the scene where it's her last show and her agent, what did you say his name is? Marty.

Marty comes up and he's like. He's the hotel owner. He's like, no, no, no, her agent. Oh, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy's like, when my father died and you trusted me to be your new manager, it just made me, and Kayla walks up and goes like, you got this bitch.

It cuts him off, That shit is so funny. I watched it like three times. She's like, what's your skincare routine? I use Vaseline. I was in my house alone. It's Cunty. Like doing this, like. Yeah.

I mean, having really like, being a big fan of like, uh, Prestige TV, because I, the issue I have a lot of network comedies is that they're just kind of cornball. They're kind of cheesy-weezy. So like, this was like such a great breath of fresh air. And I honestly think that my evaluation of this, this whole show is that there are two episodes

during season three that are not spectacular, but they're certainly not bad. And that's it. That's the only weakness in the entire series for me. There was a couple episodes where there was like, oh, that was good, but you know, I don't wanna watch it again that much, but that was it. It's like a really fucking well done series.

It's so good. The only problem is I don't like tension. I don't like to be stressed out. Right now in the series, she just found out that Ava left that voicemail and told all her tea and she was flipping out. She was like, you ungrateful bitch and throwing shit at her. So I just got there. Is this the season cliffhanger?

I don't know. That's wherever I am. Okay. Yeah, it's a lot of... I mean, I came home drunk and watched it, so I was kinda like... What about the scene where she tasks her to go into the antique shop

and get that salt and pepper shaker? Yeah. So funny. So fierce. So good. I love when characters are bad at lying. Yes, she's very bad at lying. But it was like kind of a devil wears Prada moment that ended really sweetly. I love that shit.

Devil Wears Prada. What are we gonna do to get the Gaga and Beyonce tickets? Not that we're going, but if we were gay. If we were gay. If we were going. If we were gay and not in the industry, God bless you, good luck, and have a great time doing that. But because we're in entertainment,

I feel like it's not so much of a reach to assume that we could reach out to one of our colleagues or agents or whatever. I mean, like you wanna go to Madonna? I mean, or you got on stage with Madonna. Yeah. You know? You wanna make more money?

Wear a suit. Wear a bag on the side of your head. Can I help you? You know, but like, I don't wanna, I don't like concerts. I need to sit down and miss grandma That's how I feel to yeah, I miss grandma. I mean, I guess it also I don't do stadium shows. I'm sorry about it I know it's just too many people the

Logistics of getting in and out stress me more than the desire. I have to feel trapped. Are you kidding me? I feel it's a night Shyamalan. Ding-dong is the trap. It's the trap. Yeah girl Can I tell you what I did last night? Please. So my friend Robert was like, he's one of my friends who I always wanna hang out with and just never lines up. De Niro? Yeah, of course.

Bob. Patinson. I call him Bob, Bob Patinson. He, Bob Patterson, Schenokee, Illinois. Wait, wait, was it? Diane, what is it? It's, oh, what is it? What's um, um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Laurene, um, Doreen, um,

Doreen Cavanaugh from Piedmont, North Dakota. Yes, Doreen Cavanaugh. Doreen Cavanaugh. You know what the best thing about that morning was? I think we talked about this. We were on the plane and you weren't feeling it and I weren't feeling it. And I was seated right behind you.

And some days when you're at the airport and I know you're not living. I just want to like See what I can fuck with I just want to stick some fingers in there and see what feels wet You know what I mean? Like check it out, and I just tap her on the shoulder. She turns around the airplane like this Yeah, I was like what and I go in changer Doreen Kavanaugh Piedmont, North Dakota game changer Let the script completely. There's nothing worse than someone I played and wants to talk. No, and let me tell you something.

This, not to, I'll be brief. When we returned from Durham, North Carolina, from a fabulous show, thank you very much, five and a half hour flight. You welcome. Yeah. I delivered. What did you do?

Flop. Where were you, honey? No, the five and a half hour plane. Now, you say, I say five and a half hours. You're like, oh, it's three movies. Maybe Godfather one and two. But like, yo. You love to watch movies on the plane.

You know, here's the thing. I don't. Why do you? I do it out of a breathless, desperate attempt to make the time go by, even though I don't like that, I don't want to waste time to just throw hours away. I need to live my life to the fullest. I need to grab it by the Carpe Diem cone, you know what I mean?

I don't want to just waste, erase, whatever. In any case, no lay down beds. Oh, so sad. And then, do you agree? I mean, it was like a 10 hour, five hour flight. Are you friends with Taylor Swift? That was honestly- I lost a whole half day of skiing.

Of skiing. That was, honestly, I think it was five hours. It was felt. Eight, at least. That was M. Night Shyamalan. We went through a wormhole. I'm telling you, baby. We went through a black hole.

I'm telling you, baby. Something happened. I got off that plane with a walker. Like, I was an old man when we got off that plane. It felt rotten and wretched. The beach. Thank you. What is that movie called?

The plane that makes you... Yes, old. It's just called old. The beach. Well, it was a beach. It was a beach. Roy Rogers. Hi, my name is Mid-Size Sedan.

And hello, my name is Ashley. I have a calcium problem. You might see me crab walking later on. I don't know. What is that about? Have you not seen the movie? What movie? Old.

Oh yeah, I have. Okay, you know, Miss Crab Walking Calcium Deficiency. That's who you're talking about. Yeah, she's cunty. I love the scene where that mom just goes half deaf. She just turns her head and loses her hearing. What about all the foreshadowing exposition that was not at all clunky,

like in the beginning when the mom tells the daughter, I can't wait to see what you sound like singing when you grow up. Yeah. And weren't the kids fucking? Not the brother and the sister. Just they were two other people. They're not kids, they turned into adults.

They went in that tent, toddlers, and turned out, like came back in their early 30s. Love. Yeah, and the pregnancy went like this. Blah, blah. Fierce. Huntie. Really fierce.

It's very bad. Very, very bad. I liked that movie. Well, it's a good bad. It was scary. Like it's not a boring bad. Do you know what I mean? Why do you think it's bad? Do you think the movie's bad? Well, I saw it in the theater with my friends Sam and Sam and Joseph and half of the time was spent like... Like it was so bad. It was so clunkily written.

Baby, go see Snow White. I know. Gal Gadot and her show choir performed it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like, I'm gonna go see it. I was like It was so clunkily written. Because...

Baby, go see Snow White. I, you know... Gal Gadot and her show choir performance of a lifetime. It's so crazy. I watched another clip of her, some of her line deliveries today, you know, outside of the good old, you know, classic hits we always see. But like, I was like, oh baby, I can't see that shit. It just makes me irate it.

And just... You don't taste it. I'm like, Video Village, the director, sit behind the baby, I can't see that shit. It just makes me irate it and just. You don't taste it? I'm like video village, the director sit behind the camera. You don't taste that? I think, I don't, I think that's Paola or some shit. Why don't you make the girls read? I don't care how famous people are. Make them read.

What do you mean? Make them read for it. Oh, no shit. These offer only hoes. It gave Paola. Can't act their way out of a paper bag bitch. It gave Paola. It gives Paola.

Get Meryl down here to read for it. Get the good good. I'm sure I did into of a paper bag bitch. It gave Paola. It gives Paola. Get Meryl down here to read for it. Get the good good. What did Sheri do in Into the Woods? Into the Woods. Into the Woods. What's your favorite musical? Little Shop of Horrors.

Oh yeah. Can't beat it. You loved the movie version with Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. Of course, and I've seen the stage version probably 10 times. Did you see the one with Vicki Vaux? No.

She ate literally in that, yeah. She ate, literally, in that, yeah. She was cunty in that one. So my friend Robert was like, let's hang out. And you know when somebody actually does something very out of character in LA, which is like, make an effort? Have a friendship? Or show up. Yeah, so I was like, OK.

Keep a plan. He's like, he's Australian, and I don't know how to do that. So he was like, I'm going to go over the end to how I told the survivor. And I said, OK, well, why don't you stop at my house? I'd walk for you to come if you're keen. I said, I don't want to Dan to how I told the first of all I bought and I said, okay Why don't you stop at my house? I'd walk for you to come in. Yeah, I said I don't want to go to Survivor But I said because I've been to that high tops on accident on Survivor night and you walk in in Los in Los Feliz

Yeah, Los Los Feliz Los Feliz you walk in you would swear It's a drag race finale that falls on the night of a Super Bowl that falls on the night of a christening What are we talking about? I don't understand. It's packed. Okay, okay. People go there at like 5.30, start getting seats, they're screaming. For what? Survivor. I'm a survivor.

Wait, for the show? The show. Survivor. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Bunch of nuns. Like, yes, these people are there. I don't think you, I don't think. Like it's the Hunger Games. Like their children are in the Hunger Games.

They're there watching like... It's like must see TV plus the end of MASH plus the finale Sopranos plus the finale of Lost plus the Super Bowl plus Drag Race plus the moon landing. Right. And you know, they watch it in gay bars. And you know, in reality TV, you only get one or two details about each person.

So you're like, oh, so and so is playing, you know, she has her kids. And so and so is really religious. And so they start rooting for that and they're not even sure about their names. So they're like, oh, I fucking hate that guy who drives that truck. Like they take the one detail they know about the person. Fuck that one legged bitch. Fuck that soccer mom bitch with the short hair. And these people are just, you know, crawling through dirt, scaling walls.

They told me, somebody, I said, I know that they used to get rice for food, but now someone told me they get 200 calories a day if they can't find anything else. And they're all telling me it's early in the season and then you get a glow up. They said all of them get really tan and like fit. So you're kind of watching the OG,

it's the OG the swan. It's like, yeah, it's the swan, the dehydrated swan. The dehydrated swan. So I'm there watching and people are screaming, screaming for these like granola people. Just nobody. Like writing names and saying like, Shade, I didn't like you, or whatever, you know.

I'm so fascinated by that. They live for it. 46 seasons now or something? And, mama, they're not boppin' or bumpin' or fuckin' or suckin' or slitherin' on each other. Not at all. Yeah, Sia used to watch it and pick up the phone and call the producer and be like,

I liked them, the person who lost, let's give them money. Love that. You just gave like thousands of dollars. The Hunger Games. Oh my God, it's like lost, let's give them money. Love that. The Hunger Games. Oh my God, it's like sending, it's like putting money in the commissary of a jailer. You know what I mean? I know.

Yeah, damn. So I went to that and I, you know, one thing led to another, one drink is four drinks. And then I came home and took the edible and then smoked the weed. Yeah, and then fired up the Pookie and had people run train on you all night. So then it's like 1.30, I'm trying to play PlayStation.

I'm like, one eye open. The survivor. Because I had to be here at noon. So I was like, am I one day off? And this is what happens when I start to get overworked. When I get one morning off, I freak out. What do you mean? I stay up too late.

Oh, you go hard. I get a pizza. You work hard, you freak out. What do you mean? I stay up too late. Oh, you go hard. I get a pizza. You work hard, you play hard. Right. So I do too much. That's okay. You're 35. 36?

Don't we? Oh, I thought we had a show this weekend. Are you 36? 35. 35, 35, of course. Starting solid pink disco this weekend. Starting solid pink disco this weekend in America of all places. Toronto and Austin. Toronto and Austin, that's Canada.

North America. Oh, I thought you said America. Oh, you said North America. I'm sorry, I don't want to gaslight you anymore than I already have. I did mean North America. It's the only Canadian date is Toronto. Love Toronto. Is it Toronto or Toronto? Who cares? I don't know. You know that shit's like a 40-minute flight from Milwaukee?

She... We're almost in Canada. Sweetie. Sweetie. You... If you have a hard stream of piss you can hit Canada hard stream a Piss coming up. Do you pee in the yard? Which yard your own yard? Don't really have a yard Okay, well I have a yard at my rental I don't think I would do that because it is outside

and I think I would be ogled in, you know. I pee in the yard every day. Now, where are we? What are we talking? What's the condi? You go outside. I pick a tree, I pick a bush, I pee. You go down on a floor, you lift a leg? No, I just stand. I pull the pants down to the ankles.

I play on my phone while I just pee in the grass. How about this one? I was in the bathroom right, just not 50 feet from here. Pulled my, I was standing up. You pulled out your cock. I pulled out my phone while I just pee in the grass. How about this one? I was in the bathroom right, just not 50 feet from here. Pulled my, I was standing up. Pulled out your cock. I pulled out my cock. I pulled my pants and panties all the way down to the ankles.

And then I put my hands on the wall like I was being frisked at a prison, a women's prison. And then I just, I did hands-free pee pee into the toilet. And it was, it was remarkably aimed, what do you call that? It was a bullseye. Love. Yeah, I just thought that was really interesting, and I needed to share that.

Yeah, I think it's weird to pull the pants all the way down. In a urinal, definitely. A lot of Twitter porn is in bathrooms. Mama, let me tell you something. Girl, everybody's fucking and sucking at the golden corral in the handicapped stall. I get it, I understand it. I can see people are horny.

Listen, people are horny all the time. That's a reality, right? That's a reality. People are horny all the time. Many men, many gay men especially, or just many men are horny all day long. They're jerking off. They're jerking off.

They're stroking their cocks. They're doing oral. They're doing butt licking. They're doing, you know, types of grooming to prepare. It's either you're having sex or you're preparing for the sex. Sweetie, or recovering from the sex. You know, refractory periods, but still... Getting hot to have more sex with hotter people.

Thanks. Cooling down in order to heat back up. Right. Yeah, but at the airport, for some reason, me personally, it's not a neurogenic zone. It's not an erotic arena. Everybody's fucking at the airport. I get it. Everybody's open grinder at the airport. Well, here's not a Neurogenesis zone. It's not an erotic arena. Everybody's fucking at the airport. I get it.

Everybody's open grinder at the airport. Well, here's the thing. Imagine for the average Tom, Dick and Harry, they don't travel for work every week. The airport is an exotic experience for them. It's huge for them. Yeah, huge. No, honestly.

Do you know how much I laugh when we travel with someone and they're like, wow, we leave the park Friday, so it's Monday, I started packing. We should probably show up on Wednesday. I started packing. I know, that's my mother. You started packing? That's my mother, it's crazy.

My rule, I think I've said it before, is that for every day you're gone, it's a half an hour of packing. So if you're gone for five days, you can do about two hours of packing. Are you out of your mind? No, but two hours before you leave. My men's, my personal bag, not my drag.

Pack that shit in 15 minutes. Oh, but yeah, you're advanced level Zelda, you know? I'm on that type of shit you wouldn't understand. Mama, you're on Mortal Kombat 15. Also, I wear the same fives, 10 outfits to the airports and to the shows because- I'm doing Sega Genesis, left to right. 5 a.m. when we're going to the airport,

I like a top and bottom matching set. I'm not trying to serve the girls at the airport. I'm not trying to... my travel looks. We're not doing all that. No, we're not doing all that. You know, I've brought... I am quite... I am surprised, shocked, pleasantly so, that the silicone lubricant

that I've sometimes, not often, pack in my toiletry bag that I check has not exploded and ruined every other thing in that fucking suitcase. Because that's a ticking time bomb. Silicone lubricant? Yeah. That will ruin all your clothes.

It will ruin everything. It will ruin everything. It will ruin my reputation. When that fucking nasty, slimy bag comes across on the conveyor belt that has infected other people's bags with my horrible, shameful lubricant, you know? So embarrassing.

Remember what happened to your nephew? Yes, he died on the conveyor belt. No, no, no, what could have happened? Well, remember there was like lube on the floor and you were like, shit. No, I was injured, but if he had been there. How do you explain that? Death, death. You're, I'd injured, but if he had been there... I didn't explain that. Death. Death.

I'd be like, Dan, your son died because I'm gay. You know what I mean? And that would have been true. She could make another one. Yeah. He had a vasectomy. It's so expensive to get babies. Wait, wait, wait. Can I show you my two nephews really quick? Sure.

Because they're so cute. They're so fucking cute. My god. My sister just had another baby and she is the best person in the world. And catch these little fuckers. Oh my god. So on the right we have Owen who's the older one and then Benjamin is the newbie.

Oh my God, he really looks newborn. Aren't they so fucking precious? They're so precious. PreciousAngels.com. Very cute. And the other one is Graham, right? No, Graham is my brother's kid, yeah. Oh, right, right, right.

Owen and Benji. You got three nephews? I sure the fuck do. Look at this bitch. Holy shit. Mama, this is what I looked like. Why is it happening? Why are all my nephews showing up like me? Mama, this is what I looked like. Why is it happening? Why are all my nephews showing up like me?

Mama. This is what you look like. Sweetie, darling. He's got the beginning of a nice set of teeth too. He's really taking, copying your style. Toe head with nice teeth, that's my jam. Stop reheating my nachos. Stop reheating my nachos.

One last one. Look at the joy. Look at the fucking joy of that bitch. Target, get a kid. I... It's hard to get a kid. It's expensive. If you can't have one, it's really hard to wrangle one.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. That's your little baby and stuff it in your pocket. Baby, go to Target. And you, if you have a kid at Target, look to your left, look to your right, there's a 100% chance that I have a fishing pole with a suction cup on it, and I'm trying to, on the top of that kid's head.

There's another 100% chance I'm driving a potemobile, the soundproof, and I go, a vacuum suck your child into it, and then I speed down the freeway. Hell yeah. I said, hell yeah, brother, get me to God's country. Yeah, you're Lebanese, you're Orient. God, what are they doing?

They're doing crazy, wonderful God stuff in God's country. God-fearing country. Poor went out for Morgan Wallen, poor went out for Lebanon. For Beyonce, for Gaga, Morgan Wallen. Did you, wait, very last thing, did you see the people lamenting Beyonce's tickets of like, oh God, it was a guy singing a song,

Blackbird watching in the parking lot. Um. Um. Blackbird watching in the parking lot. Blackbird watching in the parking lot. Ticket's so high, I can't go to the show. So funny. So funny.

Did you see Kid Rock at the White House? Mama, I don't need to see all that. In drag, basically. Looking like a pinata of Uncle Sam That's a generous description. That's it. Yeah a meth of pookie Uncle Sam as a pinata girl filled with pookies Pinatas are better made and I'm allowed to hit it with a stick. That's an offense to pinatas. I was girl. Absolutely Hornets nest full of meth. I just can't you know what I just can't with anymore? What kind of phrases is it where it's like, what do you call it, like expletive or whatever, where it's like

The greatest, the greatest ever was, everyone's been saying Hyperbole, hyperbole The greatest ever was, even greater than everyone's been saying, a lot of people have been saying These sort of just nothings have to be, we have to purge it, we have to leave them in the spiritual realm. Well, good luck, miss, because that is half of Trump's vocabulary. He's like, a lot of people really love this, you know, sometimes you get to a situation,

you're finding yourself in a situation when people don't like it, but then, you know, a few months later, people are loving it, so that's kind of the deal here. Yeah. It's like, are you selling hermit crabs at a seven mile fare, bitch? I do not, yeah.

I don't wanna buy your 7-Eleven word salad. You sound like... You're telling me about some puppies in the back of your truck. Yeah, they all got their shots. Like, you know? Like, the planes are... You know, you go through periods when the planes don't work. And then they go through periods when they work,

so you know, it just sort of happens. I'm like, what? Girl, they didn't work the other day when we were in that wormhole. Sweetie. But watch out for the wormholes. Pouring out for the wormhole. We'll see you next time. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare,

but for millions of people each year, it's reality. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura.

Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert, so you can act before the damage is done. Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data

to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a u r a.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.