The Basement Yard - #166 - The Night That Changed Our Lives

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

I just.. there's no words to explain the Saturday night that we had. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome back to the basement yard so I have a glass of water this week don't have a beer so that's good trying to get my trying to get my life together I mean well I've been drinking a lot is what I'm trying to say and about seven hours from now you're probably gonna be sending me drunk text yeah no I don't drunk text you yeah I don't really drunk text when you're drunk and texting you're drunk texting regardless if you think you're you know I'm not saying you're gonna send me a picture of your fucking snob that's not that's not what I'm not saying that either I'm saying like a people who when they drunk text

it's like oh dude I love you dude and they can't spell anything correctly like I spell correctly when I'm drunk yeah because I backspace and like you know I make sure it looks did you know that on the space bar on the iPhone you could hold it and go through like the letters what like oh when you're texting to go backwards it's go backwards I didn't know that yeah you could do that I had no idea I'm never gonna use that I'd use it all the time now now I don't have you been able to wash this thing off yet I guess I still got some remnants of it it won't leave us I know cuz last week we we got all we were supposed to talk

about yeah but we got caught up with other things you want to take this one no I could start it off if you want yeah go for it all right so what Danny's referring to is we have these like stamps that we got on our hands because we went to this place I don't know whether to call it a bar a club or because it was neither of those things it was it was an ambush is what it was absolutely well obviously it was it was an ambush it was it was it was a cerebral ambush yeah fucked our heads we got our heads fucked yeah so I'm still not right no one's right no one's right from this Keith was there too yeah and Keith had a

rough night Keith had a rough night we all had a kind of a confusing night so anyway we went to the Ranger game right me you Keith couple of the people whatever and then we went to dinner afterwards at this nice restaurant we went to catch in the city and it was fun we had a good time had a couple drinks you know Danny had a bunch of seltzer oh yeah he doesn't drink anymore you know diabetes diabetes type two so anyway one of the people we were with their girlfriend worked at this place are we gonna say the name of the place maybe we shouldn't all right I don't want to ruin it for any of you because you

want to know why I don't I want to go back yeah just to see if this is like a normal thing yeah I mean I don't okay anyway so we went to this place right we don't know what we're just going to a place with a group oh my girlfriend works here we could get in we don't have to wait on the line let's just go all right let's do it we get in there it looks like in gangs of New York yeah where there's like seating there's a bunch of shit going on it there's no dance floor there's like couches everywhere like antique couches yeah and like booths and like there's the smell of weed and cocaine and hookers in the air and whatever

so we get decisions yeah it's not like a lot of sweat and just like child support envelopes that have been opened yeah lots of peanuts were flying around yeah a lot of orange envelopes it just you know I mean so we we get upstairs to this like upper deck area and we're sitting on this couch and we're looking like out into this space yeah where there's couches and then there's a stage when we walked in I don't know if you remember this but when we walked in on the stage was a heavyset woman who was completely naked with paint near her luggage I do remember that and she was dipping the paint of her the paintbrush into her

baggage in her bag and her bag eyes her luggage yeah and then painting a painting so I'm like alright we're in a Freemason meeting yeah this is an Illuminati type place immediately right after that I was like I don't think we're getting out of here a lot yeah I was I started to be like mmm what did I sign up for I started questioning the people I came with I'm like wait hold on you know what's going on here I was literally looking around to just like make sure I didn't lose you or Keith right and the reason why we start to think like okay what's going on here is because the person who brought us there is a

celebrity sort of right and is not just like a run-of-the-mill person so we're like alright is this what's kind of going on you know I mean so we're like little we're like you know what's going on I also ripped like three shots of like double shots of Belvedere which was disgusting by the way so I was I was lost I think you farted up there too I definitely farted in there and we're talking close quarters fart fart post-dinner fart yeah post-dinner organic crispy chicken fart yeah so anyway so that happens right then the curtains close and we go that was weird right great music in the place yeah they

did they played great music and there was like bubbles and shit and like it was cool and we were drinking we were dancing have a good time and then the curtains open again yeah and now it's like a knife throwing party yeah like this dude was throwing knives at like his assistant very sexual yeah I was horny yeah yeah like it made me horny I was horny too yeah yeah we were really close to each other but she was like in bras and panties and she was leaned up against this like wooden thing called sexually like just sexy just fucking throw those knives at me yeah and he did and he threw him fucking close almost

took a nipple off it was right here and then he started backing up and throwing these like fucking big-ass like axes from like deep from like the table of a customer customer's seating standing on a person's table where their food and like drinks are and throwing a fucking axe at this chick it was wild that was well and then she was rotating oh she was on plywood thing rotating so she was standing like this rotating no no no she was standing still and they had like wood circle that was circling her and then he was throwing it at the wood if he missed or mistimed it she was getting a knife right to the fucking

face yeah it was insane so that happens also at the end of it it was weird show ends they're like and then they start grabbing each other and making out he's grabbing her fucking ass like hard yeah and then the curtains just close yeah I'm like wait hold open them up are they fucking like what's going on yeah go get the the pager out here paint this yeah keep it going so then you know we're back to being like okay we're having a good time so like finally we're back to normal here no curtains open again now it's just dude hanging upside down with a straight jacket on and we're like now me and Danny and Keith are looking at

each other like where's the like we need to go before we get trapped like this poor man I was afraid that if we were to try to exit we were gonna get fucked we were gonna get fucked or killed yeah so the safest thing for us was to stay put yeah it was like kids that get lost in a cave safest thing is to stay put stay in there let Elon Musk figure this out yeah that's what we were kind of hoping for so so the guy with the straight jacket starts you know whatever and he gets out of it eventually right and he's still hanging upside down and then this chick comes out and she hits a button and lowers him to the floor when he gets

the floor she strips naked and then gets on top foam starts riding him yeah and we're like what was that and like that all happened like really quick and they started closing the curtains yeah they just serve after after everything somebody starts fucking yeah we're like what is going on here yeah and then just closed the curtains and I was like did anyone else see the the the riding no one saw the riding just DJ taking away just crazy they're just like hotline playing yeah wait no wait wait open that curtain people have sex back there there's people fucking and then the curtains were closed they put on a

hotline bling and then we'd be confused like you know that was like weird but this song is fire they fucking and then and then my life was changed for ever after that because the final act of the night I don't know if it was the night but it was definitely our night it was fine it was it was the act of my life changed me forever and this is where shit gets real okay I'm gonna tell you what happened and this whole time you thought it was weird but now it gets fucking weird okay we go to this place and we're up there and now we're like okay so this is like they do it's obviously a place they do variety shows

and stuff like this happen so I still can't believe I saw this a tranny yes it was a tranny a trans a trans man trans man had fake tits circle circular yeah hard tits like you got like a boob job in the 80s yeah like very hard very old I was I was very skinny and like loose skin maybe 60 70 yeah I would say he was in his late 50s early 60s he was very skinny and very like loose gauntie and like it's we're stretched yeah on their last leg just like yeah so he's walking around and he's like antagonizing people and like the crowd or whatever then he gets on stage or she I really don't want to fuck that up cuz

I'm really not sure but you'll know why I'm saying what I'm saying so she gets on stage and starts doing this like faking yeah as if she's masturbating like a girl and we're like okay this is that show right mind you it's 3 a.m. at this point yeah I am a lot of vodka deep I'm very tired I'm sober as a fucking newborn child yeah I I saw all this would virgin sober eyes by the way so then what happens next at this point I was kind of expecting this strip snake it just like everyone else at this fucking place that dick is out now okay guy had it guy had a dick on him guy had a fucking dick on yeah and it was one stretchy penis

yeah cuz he was jerking it he was hard he was jerking his penis he had a hard penis yeah yeah well it wasn't hard at first yeah but he got it there yeah he I mean he definitely worked for it fucking jiffy too yeah he knew what he was doing got the magic touch so this this transsexual woman doing fake like cocaine up there do it have been real I honestly I think it was I think it was real because of that whole place yeah it just you know it just felt like it was real but anyway so she's jerking her dick on coke on coke and then the unexpected heavens and we're like where do we go from here at this point we're

like this is great like we're just looking around like yeah this is wild like this is a crazy night yeah then he takes the plate of said cocaine and smashes it on his ass lifts his cock up and smacks it on his beehull like this like legs up I'm not that flexible like legs are up like this facing the crowd slaps it on his ass and then a giant red dildo makes an appearance yeah and he jammed that shit in his ass a good over and over again I can't get down from this table but he started a man was fucking his own ass on stage a transsexual woman was fucking her ass on stage their their own ass her own ass

yeah and I'm fucking the shit out of her ass yeah and there had to been some prep because it went in there pretty convincing lay on the first try yes yes there had to be some some anal plugs going on I started hysterically laughing yeah cuz I'm like this is I think we all started laughing well I think that's the point I yeah cuz I was like there's no way this guy's gonna f his own ass and he did and he did yeah so immediately Keith just looks at me and just goes we all start fucking dying laughing yeah then it gets really weird we're than that he takes out like fake blood mm-hmm and starts rubbing it all over

his ass and his cock and her tits yeah I called her her him and yeah we're flopping really we're not trying to be funny on that no no no like we're just generally genuinely confused yeah and this he basically like got up and like took a bow with like cocaine powder all over his butt hole fake blood fake blood and then to top it all off takes like paper towel and wraps it around his dick and then lights it on fire and then the curtains closed yeah the guy lit his cock on fire the guy fucked his ass and then lit his dick on fire not even 30 yards from me and then I had to go outside into the real world and just be a person

after that I didn't sleep that night I was so I woke up the next day like well this this is this that we you want to know do you want no strange thing I'd go back I'm going back it was the greatest night of my fucking life yeah it was so good I want to see if they could top the weirdness guys all jokes aside even though there hasn't been any fucking jokes this has been this was exactly how the night went nothing has been embellished at all no jokes it was amazing yeah I had a lot of fun purely amazed and I embraced the weirdness and I think it was amazing yeah and I go back and I watched the same fucking show the thing

I think is I think both of us went out of our comfort zone there well yeah just a bit but a part of it was like you know what if I could go through that I think I'm alright not it you know what it was it was just it was a combination of so many things it was like is this even fucking legal to that's that's what I was thinking the whole time and then they then like a part like when he was fucking his butt her butt I'm sorry I don't know what say but but the strobe lights hit I and then I got like scared something about the strobe lights made me like made me afraid because then I thought like everyone in the crowd was

like in on it and was like gonna start doing it to themselves flash mob dildo ass yeah yeah I thought it was gonna be like some eyes wide shut shit like everyone's gonna like start sucking each other's but holes or something yeah and then I was like I was I was looking around I was like alright Keith's right next to me thank god somebody I know is like didn't disappear but I looked up and you you were there but like you were kind of off to like the side and I was like oh god where'd he go and then the strobe lights stopped and I was like alright I'm safe and that guy's flaming dick is gone yeah I would still go back I loved

it yeah I'm not even joking when I say that I would easily go back I thought it was an amazing place and it was just I don't even want to say the name of it yeah if you've been there you know what we're talking about yeah yeah you know we're talking about but I don't want to say the name of it because I don't want you to be there if I'm there no no like I like I don't want to be filled to max capacity is what I'm trying to say right you know what I mean I'd rather less people know about it so there's a better chance of me getting in for sure you know cuz it was that good exclusive place very exclusive place yes like you

can't just get in there yeah it's very hard to get it like a or it's very expensive to yeah but my god it was quite the night I think we talked about that for two days straight yeah maybe even more I literally every 20 minutes like we would like after we left we went out a little bit after that as well and like every like 20 minutes we'd be like yo someone fuck their ass on stage tonight like like we saw that happen dude people cheered oh yeah people cheered we were dying laughing I didn't know if it was it was the only thing my defense mechanism was just to laugh you know what it was to when like you're saying like

people cheered I cheered I cheered yeah give it up for him that guy really like that thing immediately went off his butt too yeah that thing I mean his butt ate that thing yeah it was it was a mate it was amazing guys I promise you none of this is made up like this is not one sentence word syllable is fake nothing I try to I try to say that to my friends too before I tell the story and they're like just tell a story ready cuz I keep going I promise you none of this is exaggerated even 1% not at all not one bit not even the plate no it was a plater concave yeah I was choked there but you know what a what a fucking night

remember I was like I purposefully left my dog at home for this I went out of my way to see this oh man and I do it again you imagine you paid to get in I wonder how much that guy got paid I hope I hope he paid that is his job though all in all like they were some very and they were like other acts like and there was like a good singer people singing and like the host was like this inappropriate guy who was dressing like John Lennon with his mustache or whatever and then also he took off John Lennon I mean John John he took off all his clothes and started humping people's faces in the front row yeah a woman yeah

and then rubbed his dick all over that guy's face yep what a nice oh and also during the whole thing when we first got that our waitress like had her tits out you remember yeah she's like what are you guys drinking and I was like I am I allowed to look at your titties Belvedere yeah oh thanks huh people random people just had their tits out and they were like some people there was like this girl who was standing on top of this thing in the middle of the place just doing this who was naked with her yeah just doing like spiritual rave dancing with her nips just like those two coke heads like girls and that one

girl was trying to make out with that other girl so hard yeah and she would not do it yeah I remember funny I was like yeah this one is tripping on either Molly or E because she's trying to eat this one's face yeah she kept doing like the like the pat like yeah right but like that crowd you could guess everyone who is gonna be in there yeah we were the most straight narrow people in there yeah but I don't know if I'm not kind of I don't know if I'm the same person after it oh no I broke bad baby yeah like if I go back there you'll see something doesn't go in a butthole I'm gonna be upset yeah I bet it all sucks

yeah no one got fucked there's no bloody butts I'm out of here now you like I was taking like off guard although shit like I had never been there I never heard of it so like I don't know I've been there once before but it wasn't like that it wasn't no so we caught the good one yeah like it was like the girls dancing and stuff that I saw mm-hmm all that other stuff didn't see any of that none none of that I was taken off guard by all that yeah like now I just feel like the next time I go I'm letting that flag fly baby oh that bar is so high that you like the bar set so high oh not the actual bar yeah I was

at bars set so high yeah like you're gonna need to like I'm gonna have to like see two little people have sex yeah I'm gonna need to see some stuff like for me to even like flinch yeah like you're gonna you're gonna need to bring a giraffe on stage and let it give birth yeah then I'd be like alright this is a fun night yeah and then like a dude like tries to have sex with it yeah like it has to be that outrageous right there's yeah or like a grown bait like a grown man baby shitting shitting yeah like something like that right like tonight I'm going out to a bunch of different bars I don't know if it's even possible

for me to have fun no I can't have fun again because you're shocked yeah like you're like you're shocked like you've hit that limit where you're like at a point where you could not be shocked until you meet something that meets that caliber yeah it's kind of like I mean I've never done heroin but I assume like the first time you do heroin it's like whoa that was so good and then you spend the rest of your life chasing that feeling imagine being fucking high on something in there that's a bad trip yeah that's not great no dude I don't know if I'll ever be able to have fun again yeah that place changed me yeah I did

for the better I feel great I think I thought I'm not sure but I told my friends I was like I feel like I just jam-packed 10 years of experience into four hours yeah and you want to know what's funny all that stuff you could probably see on the one train oh man they just took the New York City all stars from the subway and just let them go on stage and do their thing that would be amazing it was a talent show a talent show for the for the people on this train yeah for like people on the train just let them just have like a talent show night like an open Mike open Mike oh man that would be fire

hysterical oh my god it's gonna I think I love her I think I love her I just you know there were people singing naked like singing naked is like weird it's almost weirder than the guy shoving that thing up his butt because like not an agreement that was a pretty weird show like you're a good singer but you're naked yeah hey it's party let them hang yeah dump them out oh my god Joe where can they find you man you can find me back at that place just just trying to like just keep it together yeah you know I you know what but now I feel a sense of comfort in a way because I know now if this weren't to work out and you know

no one would want to listen to the podcast or watch my videos or do whatever or follow me anywhere right I know that I could go there and I would have to you know just become the manager there yeah I can have a prospering career on stage there yeah I don't know but I don't I'm not I'm not talent material as far as that goes I could host maybe there I can host I can host I can host and definitely introduce some acts yeah but um I would want to even have to like really get heavy in the drug so there's no way that host wasn't on drugs he's gonna have to do some he's bang some rails yeah do some shit if you need yeah

yeah or just lsd or whatever yeah what do you got playing for the rest of the night uh I wish I knew by the way everyone always freaks out about this thing their motion sensor lights like everyone's like yo your place is haunted I'm like it's not see I just set it off their motion sensor lights so that's why they were going off in the other episode yeah or whatever so even though don't do that I know that's that's scary don't say that I always think about that are you trying to scare yourself at night yeah we're in bed and you're like or you know what I used to do oh why am I saying this you remember my old apartment

yeah if you sat on the couch and you were facing the kitchen there's the stairs yes and you know how there was just like beams or whatever so you could kind of see you could see through I don't know why I would do this but I would scare myself and be like imagine if a little girl just like put her hands on him or looking through the things at me yeah would you try to kill it oh no you'd run away I'd be out the window if it was a kid no I think I try to kill it if it was a part if it was a grown woman I'd be more inclined to fight really yeah I think if it's a kid I try to I try to like hit it with a no no no no or strike

or something like throw something at it little because I want to see what kind of ghosts I'm dealing with is it translucent ghost is it a full like bodied ghost you know if it goes right through you I'm all right I'm not all right get out of me yeah I don't want that shit yeah a little demon girls are on my I know my top two I really don't like it it's terrifying dude you don't watch scary movies alone do you no no I can't I can't deal with the I do a lot up here you know what I mean I just told you I pictured a little girl in my apartment like a demon child yeah I can't I can't have that it's a little

weird but it's normal normal do you believe in ghosts don't ask me that you do you know what it is I think I have asked you this and then you gave me the same nonchalant answer because you don't offend the ghost the ghost people I don't want to say no I don't believe them and then have them come and fuck with me tonight because I slept fine out here oh we had a sleepover last night oh yeah we had a sleepover yeah no this place I don't get any weird vibes at all my first place I got weird vibes yeah like my the place that we were just at that place I had some weird vibes on some days where I feel like yo kind of whatever this I

feel good how long you been living here a month a month one's like the right day for you to jerk off in a new apartment I don't know immediately right I would say like day after you moved in I'm breaking into place yeah I'm bashing this thing what do you think I'm waiting it out yeah well honestly like you didn't have blinds for like a good amount of time I also don't jerk off standing in the middle of my living room you're not living do you you jerk off standing up I live in a studio so I technically I do jerk off my living room that's true no but you jerk off standing up it's a very nice studio so I don't want to hear

shit no one no one no one jerks off standing up do they no I haven't jerked off standing up since maybe seventh grade in the shower that's when you jerk off standing up I can't remember the last time I did that no no way I'm way too old jerk off in the shower I need to sit yeah tires yeah with my back I can't I can't stand up a jerk off I gotta lay down yeah how long did it take you for here for what what how long did it take you day one you jade it in here I don't know I don't remember he fucking remembers everyone remembers the first I know you only you would like keep track of that like yo how many days until you do

this like I wasn't thinking about it like oh I gotta wait just for your information I warm up to it I haven't masturbated since we did that thing like three shows ago I think I believe that you're fucking see that's why I knew we couldn't put anything on it because you wouldn't believe me I've master I don't believe that dick activity I know you're throwing that thing to hell there you are I knew it I knew it if there was like something on the line I could do it but there's nothing on the line nothing gets between me and this dick what how much money would have to be on the line for a month yeah 400 bucks all right

$100 a week oh fuck there's no way to figure that out though I mean it would have to be on honor system I wouldn't lie about that I disagree I just told you that I did and there was nothing on the line you literally just lied you said I haven't jerked off since that conversation and then you just tell me it's a setup of joke oh yeah you really set it up there Dan I'll set something up oh you want to set it up just don't forget I slept on your couch last night come over here and set this up oh you jerked off on my couch no I said to brand new to a $200 couch $2200 it felt good honestly that couch very

comfortable it could easily jerk off on it but I didn't I don't think I've jerked off and the only reason I did it is because if you open your bedroom door you could see me that was the reason why you didn't yeah honestly what would you do if you caught me jerking off immediately I got yo we got to talk about this on the show like would you like would you like would you fire me if I jerked off on your couch dude what no I wouldn't either I know who you are if you are a random dude who I hired and it was just like dude what the fuck it out of here I've caught friends jerking off I've never caught anyone no I caught my

friend beating his meat at his kitchen table once kitchen table yeah Jesus crazy eat there yeah that was I was like living there at the time you can't jerk where you eat yeah and I came up and he was just sitting in a chair just beating it and he did like the like the shuffle like the hide shuffle wait he kept going no no but he was like trying to put his dick away the laptop away oh he had a laptop and then it just came to the point where he had to just concede it just be like I was jerking off dude what'd you say it's all good oh they went yeah you were yeah it's not wrong with that like if I walk in on somebody jerking

off oh my bad yeah it's fine yeah it's fine mm-hmm it sucks though yeah to catch you in the act yeah you know dude you can't beat at the dinner table I also work if I didn't work in a chair in a chair oh yeah I mean yeah actually if I didn't work here I think about masturbating here but I can't it's not comfortable for me okay I'm glad yeah you're safe thank God she's just safe I'll blank it which is very comfortable very comfortable that shit very very soft now if there was a tigger stuffed animal in here that would be a different story okay banging the shit at this point oh god all right anyway I

think you can wrap this up a bit I would think so yeah please wrap it up but don't wrap it up on paper towel and then light it on fire like someone else we know okay and take your guesses in the comments as to what place you think we want to oh Jesus Christ this needs to get off of me I've been trying to get it off for three days now I want to be reminded I know it's just I know all right before we move on let's get to the sponsors here the first one we have is MVMT movement watches okay this is a great gift the holidays are coming up people definitely take advantage of this their watches start at just $95 I just

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did it again haven't won yet but on wednesday of last week we lost in uh sudden death and it was all my fault because we were supposed to win and the one question that i decided to change we had the answer and i changed it it was what was the highest uh domestic movie like the highest grossing domestic movie in 2018 infinity war that's what i said but it's black panther and i was wearing this hat wait no way yeah because infinity war made more money worldwide oh it was domestically domestically

black panther made more money so we had black panther down yeah and i was wearing this fucking hat and i changed it on the card and i put infinity war i'm like yo it's infinity war it has to be because i know they had like the highest gate like ever yeah it was amazing and uh we ended up we ended up tying and it was my fault that we tied because that would have put us over the edge we would have won so i was just like furious but i fucking i'm a fiend for trivia now uh i pride myself on being like being good at trivia like i know general

knowledge or whatever so i just like looked up and i was like yo let me do this on the show and see how well see if you know any of this stuff okay they're not questions though they're just kind of facts that i didn't know but i but i have something you want me to answer them no i'm not gonna there's not they're not in the form of a question like i just want to like tell you things oh okay yeah we're just gonna educate we're just gonna educate i think i think this sometimes we have to do that on the show but these i don't like i don't know how

true these are because i did find them on the internet so okay first one is you can't smell while you're sleeping uh i believe that because you're asleep yeah but you've never like woken up like bacon or like pancakes like someone's cooking yeah but you're awake your mind's awake but because of the scent no a scent cannot wake you no no wait don't people say like this knit you know because if that was true like people die in like fires all the time because they were asleep and by the time they wake up they're not dead they're not dead but they wake up

and it's like already it's like too late that was dark as fuck yeah that was sorry wait i've been watching too much this is us that that actually is a good point yeah but what but i think people die in fires because of the well it's smoke it's smoke inhalation but it's too late because like obviously the fire isn't happening in their room yeah you know it's not like but that could be smoke inhalation though right that wakes them up that could wake you up that that that that i feel like i've gotten woken up to like the smell of

pancake stuff you've woken to the smell of bacon you haven't been woken by the smell of bacon facts straight facts on me that was good yeah i like that um do you know what young rabbits are called um jacks kittens really the fuck are they in the same uh like genome as they i know they have the same genome what was that like uh the genre no no no the genome means like the scientific family of like cats like how cats are like

felina or whatever it is uh like fulines yeah like like they're they're they're genomes i mean i don't know if they're kittens they're kittens it's weird they're not like bunnies yeah like they're fucking kittens and it's a rabbit what the fuck is this i had no idea why is there two kittens because i'm i'm gonna look up rabbit and then i'm gonna see if they're in the same thing but keep going what's your favorite animal by the way uh an elephant why because they're very smart and one on one you

cannot fuck with an elephant and they can paint yeah they can paint and they fucking throw down they got fucking long ass noses i don't know why you're looking at it up who gives a fuck no i don't know i just wanted to see um but yeah i'd be my favorite animal is an elephant or yeah i think we're just gonna stick with elephant i just think elephants are fucking dope i don't know bro i fucking

just you make no sense to me my what's your favorite what's your favorite animal it's like a monkey or no actually it's a real answer is a dog then it's a monkey which which monkey though like just all monkeys what which monkey an orangutan like a ape no no no not like a no like a gorilla those are monkeys the little ones that do tricks and like they hug you and they steal people's money like smoke cigarettes and stuff yeah exactly those are cool didn't Justin Bieber get a monkey and then he just left it yeah he had to give it up he likes no i think he just oh did he i thought he just like

left it in russia no no yeah he gave it to somebody i could take care of it oh i because i know he did buy a monkey and then he was just like no i can't i can't have this over under two years that marriage last him in uh hailey Baldwin yeah i don't know i'm gonna say i'm gonna say under under two years yeah i don't know who the fuck knows man they're so famous i feel like i don't know like they can only go places that they each other are yeah that's true you i wonder what kind of crazy wild fuck parties they go oh yeah

fire has no shadow like if you hold a lighter up and shine a light on it against the wall no shadow yeah that's true why are you looking around no because i'm thinking if i if i lit it in my hand because it's it's not yeah if anything it would cast a shadow of you because it's light right that's why yeah boom you're so fucking smart myth busted myth busted barbie has a last name i never knew that yeah me neither i just found out her name is barbara by the way yeah that i knew oh i didn't know that i knew that i

thought her name was barbie no no i knew it was barbara why would you i had two sisters man they all had those fucking things yeah but no it was oh can i get my barbara doll no no no no no but on the back of some packages it would say like her name it would say her full name yeah her name sucks i don't remember it it's so bad it's barbara millison roberts yeah no wonder she's rich she sounds like a rich white bitch i mean racist parents barbara millison roberts i wonder what ken's real name was

didn't it just it says actually says no word on ken oh yeah so he was just the dumb dick yeah he's a dumb fucking blonde bitch did you always check to see if he had a penis i checked if they all had dicks i did too and pusses i did too dude i used to check barbie had titties she had hammers on her yeah no nips though no nips which would have been fun to give her nips i think i drew a pair of nips on one you drew a pair of nips on your sister's uh make it real

do you ever like rub them like oh fuck i'm rubbing tits probably i want to say yes but nothing like jumps out to me that like i went out of my way to do that did i ever tell you the tigger story no no i i did didn't i no i you i never told the story on the show nothing i'm not in live in here oh my god dude listen to this when i was younger i i think i i told the story to be i think i had all right well it's good for the new the new crowd all right i fingered tigger you never heard me say that no

what do you have like a slit like down by saying i can't believe i've never told you this it was a big stuffed animal of tigger like how big we talking it was like i mean it was bigger than you at the time i mean it was probably the same size it was you know it was big i was small right it was big okay so right now it would probably be you know one of these this is a this is like that's a big old top shelf carnival sized tigger 3999 of walgreens probably yeah so you know it had a hole where this tiger cock would be

right so and the stuffing was coming out okay because there was stuffing to keep it stuffed and keep its shape that's why they have stuffing yeah and i took the i took the uh i took the stuffing fucking phone's ringing i took the stuffing and i just kind of put it back in okay and i was and then i was just like hey that's kind of and i kept going how long you do for not long and i didn't know what i was doing but you were just but looking back on it tigger got fingered yeah and it was by me i fingered that thing

you probably never looked at that thing again after that no then i put my dick in it no your face is like yeah we're gonna have to call her a fist i know no no i i was fingering the stuffed animal though for sure did you hump anything when you were a kid probably i think that's like what kids do i've said this before and you don't know what i'm talking about you don't remember like just like like when you had a boner yes like it's fighting your genes and it's

just like you know what i mean yeah and then you like it just that kind of like the pressure felt all right yeah you know what i mean something wrong with that i didn't even need do you remember the first time you remembered you you figured out like whoa this is good yeah because you didn't know what to do with it otherwise you were kind of just like pushing on it and like mashing it around or did you think when did you think you started yakking i think i was like seventh or yeah like seventh grade sixth grade seventh grade when i started yanking i

don't sixth grade seventh grade maybe no you were earlier than that did probably seventh grade you're you're well into your beating days yeah probably more like fifth grades yeah fifth probably i don't know but i remember what's normal jacking age i don't know when do you start jerking off i don't know i'm gonna you probably started early yeah probably dude you love googling during the show no no no because no because it is what's the average starting age for masturbating

and there's going to be a study on this who who are they asking you can't ask like a kid in fourth grade hey you jerking off yet no this is from the university of michigan right but what the fuck does anyone know like i don't remember what age i was yeah probably probably fifth grade couldn't find it don't always anyone's time on here yeah anyway so i i fingered a stuffed animal i didn't know what i was doing you know what you're doing i didn't know i didn't know now you do not yeah in hindsight i'm like oh my god i was

fingering the shit out of that thing like i did it and the stuffing was already into it wasn't like i was trying to do a good job because it was not it was not about the stuffing anymore it was just me kind of like yeah this is cool yeah stuffing feels good i'd go back and i'd do it fuck yeah whatever i don't regret shit nah um ten percent of all photos taken in the world have taken ten percent of all photos in the world have been taken in the past 12 months

bunch of conceded yes vain selfie taken fucks yeah just with our our phones counted as photos absolutely so then yes i that's very believable then it's crazy that's only 12 months and 10 percent of all photos in the world yeah it's ridiculous well you gotta think about it how many people are in the world i want to say like i want to say six billion yeah no well china has a billion people yeah i want i want to say like eight billion people world's population i love how he's googling now

7.2 7.2 so we split 7.2 billion 7.2 billion how many of them do you think have a cell phone let's say five five billion let's say five bill let's even go lower let's say four billion have it yeah one picture a day is four billion pictures yeah so that that's that makes sense yeah i guess so damn dude i'm killing it yeah there's an austrian village i'm not killing anything no you're not killing it goddamn i'm giving you answers and then you're like just giving like mathematical

reasons for why they're real though yeah uh there's an austrian village okay it's called fucking that's the name of it that's that i could believe fucking that's awesome but like does it mean fucking or is it like fucking no i don't know but it's fucking you know like austrian is it could be fucking is that how would austrian sound like you sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger yeah he's austrian yeah oh that's news to me you didn't know no i don't know what you think you was i don't know i just i just

you know from the future or something i didn't know where the fucking was around that Arnold wasn't bad do it again i can't now oh you lost it yeah i apologize damn it we'll watch it back yeah yeah yeah we'll review it yeah we'll review it um this one's weird okay and we're gonna have to try and work on figuring this out i like weird the chances of dying on your birthday are 14 percent higher than any other day 14's a ton why is it 14 percent higher on your birthday candles fire eating food cake you could choke to death

maybe going out and drinking but i feel like these are things that people do every day i'm silent because i'm actually really trying to figure this out it makes no set 14 percent um do you become a target for assassinations that day you know what always weird to me out too is like people who die like a day after they're like spouse does yeah like you could die from heartbreak isn't that so sad but like beautiful at the same time it's beautiful it's like yeah i lost the love

of my life i just don't want to live anymore and they die yeah well yeah they're older i think it's a lot of like stress it's like yeah i mean it's not there has to be a physiological reason physiological physiological physiological is the right way oh man ever since we did that episode on pronouncing words i've been so afraid to pronounce words on here i knew you didn't you were like you were looking at me like right is that how you say it i'm not sure give me a not give me a not but what is the reason

is it the candles maybe it is the stress oh i was talking about the birthday yeah that's what i'm saying maybe maybe it's the stress that from your birthday yeah maybe people have like stress in their older age like they reach 90 like i feel like a lot of people die at 90 or 80 or 70 and odds are it's probably on their birthday that's not true probably not that's probably a lower percentage i just don't know why it would be hot 14 percent higher like my birthday is in february you get a 14 increase on my fucking birthday i'm staying inside now you

have a biological clock man probably just matches up i don't know it just takes your life from you i hope not dying on your birthday is not the worst day to die what's the worst way the worst day to die is probably christmas yeah because not only did you not ruin it for everyone else that's what i'm saying you ruin christmas and you don't get to experience the whole christmas yeah you die on you die on christmas and then your family has to cancel christmas because you died

double whammy double that's not a good day for anybody no that's like anyone who was born on christmas it's like you ruin your parents day can i see this 10 year old joe's walking around right someone dies let's say like how will do you when you're how will do you when your grandpa passed didn't one of them pass when you were young all my grandparents are now deceased okay that's all right yeah go ahead so like when was the youngest you could remember one of them passing away uh my my aunt passed away

in 2005 2005 so i was how old was i in 2005 how many years ago was that 13 so i was 13 you were 13 all right if she were to pass away on christmas are you gonna ask me if a part of me would go come on yeah because you're 13 you're still deep in the gift game uh you know i wish i could i also don't know how close you were to your aunt so if any disrespect was there i apologize by the way aunt or aunt

you just said aunt yeah but uh did i yeah i thought maybe because you said aunt i said aunt all right i usually say aunt you aunt not really who's who aunts my aunt yeah i say aunt yeah me too that's weird i said aunt yeah that's weird i'm trying to be formal i guess though but um i wish i could be funny and be like yeah i'd be like yo give me a break with this dying thing today i'm just trying to open gifts that's all you want yeah just celebrate the cheer i was at post gifts because then like whatever

yeah oh if it's post gifts i don't care about the rest of the day no when you're young you care about the the gifts no this is like first thing in the morning you wake up to it oh she dies at like 5 a.m and then i find out like can we open gifts and my parents are crying yeah uh man i'll tell you what it would be horrible i wouldn't i wouldn't not open my gifts though i know i don't the font is gonna pass your how much time you're not you're not a bad kid if that thought passes your mind on christmas what is the appropriate

amount of time to pass before you like look at your parents like it's cool if i like open this i think like when you get home that night that's probably like when you do it this is such a ridiculous conversation and i love it but it's true though it's true that if it were to happen you are a 13 year old kid a part of you is going to think for a second damn that says my name on it it's right there under the tree it's big you know it's in the shape of a bike you know and now i get a mongoose yeah and if you're really close to this person then obviously that's gonna take

over than any other gift but it will cross your mind that is funny man human nature human it's human nature human christian nature human christian nature that's all of this yeah uh over speaking of dying over 7 000 u.s citizens die and 1.5 million impair their health due to ineligible doctors writing illegible you mean illegible like you can't read it yeah like it's like fucked up like your handwriting is so bad that you kill

7 000 people a year but was that a year i'm trying to understand it though like to the point like what are they writing prescriptions or just like on the charts where you write stuff like all they had high blood pressure or they had this they had that if it's ineligible and someone's like oh you keep saying ineligible ineligible legible wait why am i saying that's how you that's how you know you watch sports way too much ineligible see her downfield isn't there there's like words that go with sports

god i sound like a coach right there yeah uh words that go with sports like um ineligible sports i think immediately yeah of course um he has the uh tangibles tangibles is sport is a big sports word yeah um what's another one you have like eight different voices right now i know i'm still getting over this cold yeah i i said ineligible that entire time didn't i yeah i not one corrected you once and then you acted like you said it right you're like correct illegible yes at no point did i say illegible no you said ineligible

and uh so it's uh the sports words uh tenacious is a sports word not really yeah like tenacious defense tenacious defender um tangibles we agreed on um the other one is catalyst like i think of science no i think of sports or think of uh newfound glory catalyst you insist pull me down god that is such an old song yeah do you have the fact here do you have any other sports words i don't fucking know dude can we talk about the people that are dying and fuck your sports words yeah

but the thing is is like i don't believe that one why because seven thousand people that's not a lot dude that's seven thousand people who die because you have fucking shitty hand writing yeah sure you're a doctor for getting together is that malpractice should be i would sue the fuck out of that i mean you have to and 1.5 million impair their health you could be impaired right now because someone can't write oh i'm not impaired now you're impaired yeah actually i'm

the best way possible oh yeah um every 10th european child has been conceived just that first sentence is ridiculous every goes so far every 10th european child has been conceived in an ikea bed aren't they the worldwide leader in like furniture i don't fucking know they gotta be first of all ikea what a genius fucking thing also the way they build their stores that's what i mean are phenomenal it's a mousetrap yeah it's a maze and you have to see every item they have to offer and you ever notice the thing

that you want is never the first thing there it not even close not even close they put bullshit like oh do you want uh fucking what are those called extension cords we got them all in the front two for three dollars getting it yeah i always get extension cords whenever i get extension cords i always buy and those water jugs yeah it was like 30 gallon no 30 gallon 30 30 ounce glass ones like a fuzzy pillow too fuck yeah fuck yeah all the lamps all the actual furniture everything is at the end of the store

yeah and anything that you really want is all the way at the end and there's a reason for that even if you walk in and you're like oh i want that thing you have to walk through the entire store to get to the fucking thing to get the thing remember when i lost my phone ikea yeah god that was terrible you what she said you that black lady was like oh he was laying down like she knew you were a fucking idiot like this kid lost his phone on ikea because he went and he laid down as a joke on like a kid's bed

and then like 10 minutes later we're walking through the stores like yo i don't know where my phone is so he goes back to go find it and he's like you know i can't find my phone whatever and he's like asking people he's like yeah you know i was laying down on this bed and she just looks at him she goes oh he was laying down i love it i forgot about that so that that fucking sucked man yeah you were mad scared because i just switched over to wing yeah and if i lost that phone i would have had to keep hanging it off yeah that would have sucked

a yeah yeah oh you was laying down oh you was laying down that was basically you're fucking idiot yeah it's like oh yeah you think you're fucking funny and then she got on the phone she got on the phone ikea was like oh yeah uh i got a customer here says he was laying down on one of the kids beds that's great 29-year-old man just standing there just like yeah oh man ikea crushes though yo ikea is awesome very affordable as soon as it gets into your house worst fucking thing ever i hate ikea

love and hate ikea i'm a big fan of furniture showing up in one piece oh i'm a huge guy i'm a huge furniture guy i'm a huge guy everyone's listening i'm a huge guy a lot of girls out there just popped to that that was funny um you have a key issue in here do i yeah our desk well yeah our desk is ikea yeah remember i put it together backwards and had to undo it and then put it together again i've done that with literally eight out of ten ikea things i've ever built in

my life eight out of ten times something will be backwards that will be detrimental to the entire thing and i'm like well fuck this and we looked for that remember we thought we lost a screw but i put in the wrong place like yeah we lost it for an hour we were looking for this fucking screw not only that but you would think that put a put a mini drill in this thing yeah don't give me this allen key you want me to put together all this shit with an allen key i think i have like 11 allen keys i have 11

thousand allen keys there's a whole drawer full of them over there never need them no because you want to know why every time you buy something they give you a new one not only that the the instructions you can always tell how bad it's going to be by the thickness of the the instructions ikea thing i i take it out of the box and i'm like oh yeah i always flip to the last to see how many steps there are i'm like 36 fucking steps i want to be here until tomorrow i'm like this is a this said fucking a

why is it not fitting and then you're like oh it's fucking b and then you realize that you don't have the fucking plastic fake screws that they give you you got to hammer those the anchors hate those yeah they're called anchors anchors hate those yeah and fucking an allen key hurts your fucking hands when you're twisting that thing my hands are very dainty i can't handle that no did i don't know why i can't handle it i can't handle that

no part of my hand and in the instructions they have little pictures of these men that are smiling the whole time or the worst is when you open it up and they're like oh you might need a buddy for this i'm like yeah i'm gonna need a whole fucking village to put this desk together i love how it's one guy and they x him out so he's xed out and then it's like two friends like yeah man yeah we're gonna have a great time but crelations getting getting their fuck on i think it's sweet sweet oh i think you say crelations

i said europeans but i think ikea is swedish yeah so that makes sense i don't know why you said i thought you said crelations i didn't come close to saying crelisha uh we're gonna dope it's eligible it's eligible ineligible receiver downfield um i just this is the last one i have this one's kind of interesting if you dig through the earth and like through the entire earth and you jump into the hole which i don't i don't know why you would even dream of doing such things and you jump into the hole you'll fly out the other end

in how long how long will it take you one second that was literally the dumbest answer to that question i don't understand what i'm reading here you drill the earth all right you drill a hole through the whole thing the whole earth where you going look at no over here hey come here over here over here i need something spherical no no no you don't look the earth you drill a hole through it right all right danie what are you doing i need to see it i need this i need the visual here's

your earth okay i'm looking at it you drill a hole through the whole thing okay and then you get on top and you jump through the hole so you go through the hole to the middle yes i thought you were talking about jumping through the rest of the world like you drilled through the entire earth yes and then you jumped from the top of the earth through the bottom of the earth yes because you drill that hole you jump into the hole right but is it to the middle of the earth or is it through the entire through the earth and even if it was halfway

one second is still a ridiculous answer of course but i'm saying are we going through the whole earth here or here no through the earth okay the other half of the earth uh three days these are terrible guesses dude i'm jumping through the entire earth three days i don't know space like you could fly around the earth like quicker than that all right let's see wait that would make sense but no it's not three days it's not even close can you give me like another answer five hours it's warmer it's 42 minutes and 12 seconds all right

imagine falling for 40 minutes well you would die well yeah so you wouldn't even would you yes why because the middle of the earth is hot as shit i mean take that away if you just fall through a hole that large do you die in the way down yes can you breathe no no actually wait yes you would die wait people skydive yeah but doesn't take 42 minutes yeah but can they can breathe yeah it's not 42 minutes but what's the difference one it's not 42 minutes yeah two the pressure probably just from jumping through the earth alone would shatter your lungs i don't know

all i know is imagine screaming for that long you literally would have time to like make a couple phone calls couple send an email i haven't worked till fourth 42 minutes because think about how long you are after all you're like this isn't i'm ready to go yeah i'm done with this you can't yell for two minutes if i were to survive a 42 minute fall and then what happens when you get to the other end you just you're going to space just kind of float around oh and then you would also burn up then because you would leave earth's atmosphere that's true you'd burn up that's what i'm saying you probably travel so fast you turn it does by the way did you say one second because you think the earth is flat

no no you could just jump you're on the other side people who think the earth is flat you think i'm stupid print that print that print that one second because the earth is flat you heard it here folks stay low for yori take that for data take that for data data or data data data i collected all the data yeah i data like makes me feel like i'm going out of my way to say it yeah i don't know yeah it's one of those words it's bad pops right back into my head i know uh danie where can they find you at danie little priori on twitter and instagram uh you guys can follow me uh on instagram at joe sanagato go follow the show at the base me yard and our patreon patreon.com slash the base me yard if you want to support the show definitely go check that out

patreon spelled p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash the base me yard and that is all peace peace