The Basement Yard - #195 - Tom Cruise vs. Justin Bieber

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

On this episode, we discuss pancakes vs french toast, Bieber challenging Tom Cruise to a fight and Danny's afraid to have kids. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. My name is Joe Sanagato. I'm sitting here joined by my coat host You know him as the did I say coat host? Yeah. Yeah, he hosts all my coats hold his coat daddy Diabetic Dan diabetic daddy people's champ Whoa Poop a little pooped your pants a little you say a little one of those little kids that have that Oh, I have a little thing in my pinch. No I did hear Ariana Grande talks like that as an adult. No way. Yeah, she baby talks. Yeah. Yeah, that's disgusting like like

Why do kids talk like that cuz they're fucking stupid? Kids are fucking idiots. Yeah, I don't understand it was a matter with with with everything She's like if you can speak say the word. Yeah, I shouldn't be saying this. My sister's gonna kill me She's a speech pathologist Mythologist pathologist. Oh, I thought you said she's a speech mythologist. Yeah, I was like She speaks methodical languages, you know what I mean? No, I'm just joking but it's like the language of Zeus Yeah, I did hear that Ariana Grande does that Oh, do we do like the little

I'm tired. Oh, I'm me me sheepie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Fuck out. It's gross Cpb Me and Danny went to breakfast me and Danny went to breakfast this morning He had a Greek salad. What it's so bad about that. That is a lot of breakfast food. Well, I'm sorry Not all of us can enjoy the finer things in life like you skinny boy, McJohnson Excuse me. Yeah, yeah skinny boy McJohnson. Yes, that's what you came up with. Yes skinny boy Do you gonna go with that or you want to like call phone a friend or something? I could say whatever I want fine thin boy thin boy, I Had some French toast pretty good pretty good the thin man

You still still on this need some oil thin man need some oil. I don't know like the tin man Then we need oil. Oh, oh, he didn't eat the oil. He put it on his like joints No, he didn't drink it. No, but that's the sound it made. Oh, yeah Why is everyone drinking that's like a drinking go go go I was like I've never heard anyone drink like this other than fucking goofy Yeah, that's true. That's true. But yeah, man. I'm just you know, yeah, let me ask you a question real quick I had a we were in a little bit of a pickle this morning with the French toast and the pancakes Yeah, if you had to pick one of those in a non diabetic realm, where are you going? I'm going pancakes Really? Yeah 100 why because pancakes. It's like so I made the wrong decision. No, it's not necessarily made the wrong decision

But in this case you did here's what Here's why I'm saying you made the wrong decision, but you did. No, here's why because I like putting syrup on pancakes and watching it just fucking Splash all the way down the sides. It's like a little fucking moist mountain You start splashing that thing How hard are you throwing this syrup on here? It depends what you're into. Okay, you also use no butter today But we'll get into that. Yeah, I'm not a butter on my shit. Yeah, that's a guy. That's a big L right there

Yeah, I don't butter my shit. You have to butter your shit. I butter my buns the thing Yeah, and like I butter my bread. Oh, I thought you thought I thought you're making a butt joke No, I don't butter my buns. Ew. I like I thought you meant like cocoa butter on your butt You cocoa butter your ass. Fuck. Yeah. Do you really? Yeah, rub cocoa butter all over this butt Let me feel that fucking ash cheek right now. It's probably soft as god. Yeah, it is It's a really soft ass. You have a soft ass. Yeah, but it's all covered in hair, isn't it? No, I don't know I don't have a hairy ash cheeks I have hairy butt crack

You you don't have a hairy Ash cheeks. No, no, no my butt cheeks aren't hairy like that bra. All right. I'll show you later I just don't want to get demonetized. Me neither. You know what I'm saying But back to your pancakes and french toast French toast the only thing that sucks about french toast is that you got to lift I mean about pancakes that sucks about pancakes is that you got to lift up each pancake and put butter in the pancake It's so much work to have a fucking pancake. It's a lot. It's a lot when they bring out that this is why I went french toast They brought out because I saw she brought someone else pancakes and I'm like look at that

It's a beautiful stack and they do a really good job. I love pancakes. They do a good job on pancakes But they stack them up. So you put syrup on that you only have syrup on one pancake. Yeah Unless I'm like, you know, now I'm now I'm doing brick work I gotta take this off with the concrete take the next level They do and then you do eat them faster because you are eating four pancakes at once at one time Yeah, it's kind of gross, but I like the grossness. I embrace the gross. I just feel like french toast I eat the g You what eat the g eat the g embrace the gross

Oh I'm saying Yeah, I just feel like you ate your first. Well, Joe ate his french toast faster than I've ever seen someone eat He looked like a starving dog That's the fastest I've ever seen you eat and it was gross too. It was a gross eat Yeah, you had syrup all over your chin. Remember you disgusting, dude This guy had syrup. He was like, yeah, I don't know. I'm like, dude You're an adult and you have a goatee full of syrup a goatee

Chill, I don't have a goatee. Well, this is part of your beard. It's called a goatee, right? Well, I know I think I just like a goatee is like if you shave all the sides and you stone cold it You know what I'm saying goatee. Yeah beard. It's just it's in your beard So you in your chin in my on my chin on your chin, right? Sorry Don't fuck that up. I'm sorry. I would never rock a goat. How many pieces of french toast do they give you three? See that's a good number fucking slammed them. That's a that's a good number of ft's Uh, I would say anything more than three get a little gross Yeah, it's a lot of bread. I could easily punch four though

Oh my god, right in his mouth hole. Yeah easily But I could have ate like three more to be honest with you But you were there. Yeah. Yeah, I felt judged. No, you have to feel judged around me. You see me girls. Thanks Yeah, you know, but why no butter though. I don't know It's just like another layer of work that I'm not, you know, willing to commit to This is what he did with his butter. He took the butter which was in one of those You know when you fill catch up at like baseball games. It's catch up. Let's move forward

catch up Why did you catch up just now catch up? Why did you why why the fuck did you catch up catch? Listen? Oh my god, I can't say I can't believe you just did that What I honestly can't believe you did that. What do you want me to do? Did you you catched up? Sorry you catched up. Yeah, why I don't know Pulp Fiction Yeah, the joke about it was like that was 25th or 40 years ago You've been catching for that long. Catch up Joseph. You're deflecting. You're deflecting. I'm not deflecting I'll take responsibility for the fucking butter shit. Yeah, but you just catched up. All right catch up. Thank you

Okay Catch up. Yes K E T Chup CHUP Yeah

Spelled Dijon mustard DIJON mustard Right. Yeah, but mustard's also weird, but but the butter he took the little thing that holds catch up You know the little paper little bowls You know that you could go And you push the little made out of little paper they hold catch up at like baseball games It's what it's like a paper little bowl. That wasn't what it was like a paper little saucer It was plastic. You weren't paying attention to the materials. We had all right. So he just grabs it

Squeezes enough that it comes out and just turns it over on this plate just goes And leaves it there like a little butter mountain Why'd you do that? I was playing at my food like a child and we were also I did I did rub some butter on one of the pieces though I don't know if you caught that but in the beginning I put it on one piece Which I honestly as I was doing it I was like I can't believe I'm doing this because I don't do this Were you like that as a kid? You're like no butter I won't refuse butter who the fuck refuses butter. You know, it's weird butter flavored syrup

Uh, what there's oh, oh like butters mrs. Buttersworth. Yeah, it's like butter if butter infuse syrup That's a little heavy for me. But yeah, it's bad. You know, you what's a good thing you do You take syrup and butter and you fucking just like stir it up and it's like butterscotch I've never done that. It's pretty good It's pretty good. Have you ever read like the calories and the grams of sugar that are in syrup? Do you say syrup or syrup? I don't say syrup because I'm not an old woman. Yeah syrup syrup. Yeah, it's syrup syrup cough syrup. Yes. Yes Would you like some syrup? I'd like you to get out of the fucking kitchen grandma

No, but I don't understand. Where's this this thing start with butter What do you mean and also where I just don't I like butter, dude I'll put butter on shit. You know what I'm saying, but I just don't put it on my pancakes and french toast Pancakes french toast, where do you rank them? You had french toast today? Uh Or waffle No, I hate waffle because then you got because the butter here's why you just say you hate waffle because and you and you Catched up before it's it's I hate waffle. You are skating on thin breakfast ice I know but hear me out. The reason I hate waffle is because

The butter sometimes doesn't get fully distributed within the holes. Oh, we're talking belgium. Yes. Yeah. Yes I just don't like how it's like, uh I want some butter in this hole, but I can't get it and now I don't want to use crazy amounts of butter Yeah, you know you gotta try and do it and try and fill every hole. Yeah, absolutely plug them all up fucking Shocker that fucking waf. Whoa. Shock that waf. Shock that waf. Shock that waf No, but I'm putting pancakes french toast waffles and waffles is like way third. Oh I'm you know what you also ate your bacon disgusting like a snake

I ate bacon like a snake. Yeah, you're just like What the fuck are you doing you like you like you know how a snake doesn't chew Okay, I was clearly chewing you did it. You kind of just plugged it down your I didn't suck bacon down my throat like a fucking serpent You kind of did I didn't I did not do such things. You know, it's weird your honor. I did not do it I was just you know what I did. It was probably like spaghetti is what I did Okay, so I put the end in my mouth and I kind of just like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and and walked it in

But I you know it got escorted inside the back. That's a gross way to eat bacon though It's not like your first choice, but I definitely you know, definitely like mouset it a little bit like I listen I didn't have a whole lot of time. I hear you. So I had to just get that in there Yeah, sometimes you gotta but I didn't suck the bacon down. I think you suck that bake I didn't suck the bake a little bit a little bit And then another weird thing that you did too is there You know when you sit in the diner and there's a little like the little mini jukebox selection thing

God So I guess let's say there's a total of eight pages And five pages were flipped joe had to flip it so they were evenly four and four on each side What was that about? Uh, I don't know. I did mess it up though. Just to show you like I'm not like crazy. Yeah, but you did that on purpose Well, I did it. Yeah, I did it so you didn't think like If you flipped a page, I'd be like, oh, come on in and had to put it back like I was just like whatever I was afraid to touch it after that

Oh Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. So you have I'm a weird guy. I have weird stuff You're weird and but like you're weird like a normal person weird Like I wouldn't claim you as a weird person. All right, fine. What do I gotta do? I sucked bacon apparently no, that's not weird You it would be weirder if you cut bacon. Ew. Who the fuck cuts bacon? There's people out there cutting bacon, dude People who about yo if you cut people out there cutting bacon 100% like cutting it in little pieces like fucking weirdos Fucking weird. God. You're disgusting fucking freaks. Yeah, listen

Whoever cuts pizza Or does this thing they take their pizza and just hold it up and let the grease drip off What go gets a different food then what's your what's your thoughts about the paper towel dab? I'm paper towel dab You've seen it that is disgusting If you are dabbing paper towel on your pizza like oh, it's gonna soak up some of the grease Like you're fucking putting on a temporary tattoo on a five-year-old get the fuck out of the pizzeria go get a salad You piece of shit. Yeah

I guess I'm sick of this. Yo, I y'all people. Oh my god, and then you have some people who dab and cut with fork and knife You're not allowed to have pizza. How's that? You are Not you are banned from pizza. Yeah, stay away. You sick fucks. When's the last time you had pizza? um Not that long ago actually are you a plain cheese guy or pep guy pep guy you're a pep guy. Yeah I'm a penny alavaca slice guy. Oh geez. That's a heavy slice. Oh, it's a big old meal for the boy Well, I'll like I'll hold that for like days where You know, this is gonna sound insane, but you know, whatever you'll hold it for days

No, no, no fucking hostage pizza. No, no, no. I'm saying like I'll save it for certain days Like if I've been if I worked out like really well last week and then yesterday, I forgot to eat until four Yeah, I know it sounds nuts, but I do that all the time Yeah, I forget to eat until like five o'clock and then I'm like, oh shit Like I'm not even like even hungry at that point like I was starving at one point then my body's like No, I forget it and then we're just like normal, but I'm like, oh fuck. I haven't eaten like those days I'll order like a penny alavaca slice and like a Thing of like 12 wings getting dirty. Yeah, and then just be up all night like scared and crying a little bit

Yeah, sweating out fucking hot sauce. Yeah, just like not even really like not even like oh my god I got a shit so bad just like laying in bed. Like what did I do the worst? You know what I hate too, and I'm sure there's a scientific reason. Maybe you know it Is like have you ever been starving and you're like, dude, I could eat so much Then like after four bites, you're like, I'm not hungry anymore So I don't have the real answer, but I'll tell you mine. So I think you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I do I do I do it's like damn dude. I was about to like show out and eat mad food. Yeah be a beast and I was like, oh I'm good. Yeah, but I feel like at least for me when I get really hungry. I feel like my stomach fills up with air

I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is, but it feels like I'm filled up with air So I think when I eat food it like pushes it like compacts the air and gives me like a stomach ache So I don't want to eat anymore. Yeah, and I guess it gives you the idea that you're full And this is all bullshit. I don't know if it's right. I just like what I think there is the miracle of the mid meal burp though Yeah, I can't burp Oh, yeah, that's right. You can't release the cracking at all. No, I mean I release stuff out the back cracking Yeah, you fart you fart more than I think anybody I know I mean I'm around you more than anybody I know but like I've been around some big time farters heavyweight hitters. You know what I'm saying a1 blue chip fart recruits

You're blowing them out of the water straight out of high school into the league. I've been I've been known to blow it up I've been known to do that. It definitely gets windy in my apartment sometimes, but your farts fucking stink too Not all the time. I mean if I have protein like we're gonna have some we're gonna have some trouble Yeah, you have dense farts like I've never heard a weak fart come out of that ass. No, no, no. Yeah I know I got out. Yeah, I got a system. I got a system. I got a system And you fart a lot like while your legs are up Like when you're like in the studio your feet will be up on something and you'll be farting Well, that's prime farting position. Yeah, like you don't really hide it under your ass

You expose your ass and you just let that fucking fart fire out of there Yeah, I can't fart with like my feet like at ease like a soldier. Have you ever farted it on a girl? On yeah, like on our head. Oh, yeah, if I farted on Shannon numerous times, right You gotta fart on people Yeah, I farted I farted on my sister. You have no idea how many times is that true if you fart on a pillow You can do someone pink guy. I mean if you got the dirtiest ass ever and you like spray farted like a Oh, those are the worst. Yeah, those are like gatling gun ones. Yeah, and you're like, I gotta go home now Yeah, because there's there's a trouble here. Yeah, I'm gonna get a beer. It's fine. But no, but I need I need a beer

That's fine Entertain the masses My dad doesn't love me as much as he loves my other brothers Oh god, I'll tell you what You know what I just noticed. Oh, you didn't you didn't rank fucking pancakes of french toast and shit Can you make sure I'm focused over here? Yeah, because I don't know it's on autofocus and like I don't really trust that bullshit It's all fucking like Yeah, get real close in there. Yeah, get real close. Put your face in the screen. Put your face in

No, now it's focused on you Am I good am I gooch? You're so good. I'm so good. Yeah, you're so folk. Oh sick So your queer is folk. I'm foked up. Remember that remember that show? No, it was like a it was like sex in the city But for gay guys Queer as fuck. No, it was queer as folk. Oh folk. I was like, how can they put that on tv? No, it was on showtime I said I wasn't gonna do this I mean, I'll tell you this. Yeah Tell me which fucking thing is better. God damn it. Which one cakes french toast or goddamn waffles. Oh, okay. I'll go

Uh, you're yelling french toast Pause Wafflepank. Whoa get the front door closed sir Get your get your fucking front door Cleaned. Yeah, I'm gonna see the thing what pancakes is is uh Get your front door clean to have someone come here and fix this. I never understood like I'll clean your clock I'll knock your block off knock your block off. I'm like, yo, what does that mean man? You gotta do fucking maintenance around my house

Yeah, what's going on? You a plumber? Yeah, I have block on me I'm gonna knock your socks off It's like and I socked them in the eye. It's like what you put a sock in his eye cast Why are pancakes? They're you sick fucking freak because pancakes sick fucking freak because pancakes Eventually get old like halfway through the cake. Oh my god. You're such a dumb idiot I'm not a fucking dumb idiot because listen you dumb bitch when they bring out Well, usually when you go to diners, they're like, oh y'all just go ahead. What the fucking pain and they make giant pancakes Okay, do you like the pancakes that have the crispy circle around the end?

Like I like some cruise you like the crisp on the end. You don't like those flat disgusting things No, those I hate like they're like flat jacks. They're very light and like Look at a fucking pizza like some italian guy was making the pancake right there. I don't like flat jacks. I don't like lumberjack pancakes Yeah, spit it out spit it out. Let it come out of you. Yeah. Yeah, you can't open You know what I'm talking about those lumberjack cakes Cakes my ears are sweating see this circle on the table You guys can't see it but like when they give you lumberjack cakes like this Oh my god, dude, and they give you four of those. I'm like, this is a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of fucking cake

Yeah, you know what I'm saying and that's and that's my issue. Is it pancake? Is it technically a cake? I don't know. It's got a cake in the name. It's gotta be a cake. Yeah, all right. So you tell me your ideal Pancake size you ready? Let's start big with the lumberjack. Okay. That is ridiculous. I could no one could eat that You know sometimes you go to a diner. It's like, oh geez man. What are you doing back there? Louise? You know, you know, I'm saying, you know Okay, tell me when the stuff is slowed up. Yeah, keep good Yeah, well now I now I lost sight of the other end. All right. Here we go. You got it. Move your fucking hands. I'm sorry Yeah, make it smaller. Make it smaller. I feel like David Blaine make it smaller

These are huge dude. Are you watching smaller smaller? Smaller keep going. That's good This right here. That's a good pancake. Uh, but like a bunch of those for the people That's a that's a pancake. That's a good pancake. That's a good pancake size. That's a good pancake size Yeah, now how many of these pancakes can you throw us like five six? Okay. So what makes that? That's about the size the same size of a piece of bread Do you like the way the bread absorbs the syrup? Is that what takes you to the next level? Do you like the way that it gets crispy on the size?

Do you like crust? Do you not like crust? What is your what's your deal? What takes you to the pinnacle and puts you over the top? What puts french toast over the top? because I've never had too much french toast like if I go to a diner. I order french toast. I'm finishing that pitch But a lot of times I go to diners and I get pancakes and they they just fucking Give me a fucking ten thousand calories worth of pancakes that I can't finish I put in this little twink body. Yeah, you know what I mean? I can't handle that much cake So I need to just chill. What about like

lumberjack cakes or pancakes Do you have to have a meat come with it or can you just eat straight cake? I mean, I usually like a sausage like a breakfast sausage or or or or a bacon I like a bacon to go alongside. I like a bacon. Yeah I can use it. I got a bacon this morning. Are you an orange juice guy? I like orange juice as well only a breakfast Well, yeah Well, no or after athletic events

Wait a second. Yeah after athletic events, you'll come home and drink Tropicana fucking jeeps. No No, uh, but orange juice orange juice gives you like a like a media jolt of energy Because of vitamin c Well, I don't know which one's in there, but there's something in there It's vitamin c Like during football in high school at halftime. Do we give us oranges? Yeah, you an actual orange. I guess Yeah, I'm not gonna drink tropicana. That's what I'm saying. I'll eat an orange after. Yeah

Well, the diner over here actually has like a real squeezer that it's like straight up from an orange like juice That's pretty cool. It's expensive. Yeah, but it's a Machine that we should buy. Yeah. Yeah, we should buy that Start sucking down organic juice Yeah Well tangerines I've never had tangerine juice. Is it tangerine and orange? Yes. Is that the one it's it's what are those Clementines tangerines oranges. What about the oranges? What about nectarines orange? Okay

What about those ones that are like they have like a like a butthole? Oh, like a like a belly button. Yeah, they have like a butthole orange. What is that? I think that's just an orange No, that has another layer on it has the actual Inside of it is an orange There's a butthole on that orange. Yeah, what is that? It's just like part of the it's like the umbilical cord of the orange I don't call me on that but I believe you why that's

Honestly, what I think you swayed me. Boom swayed me, but I will say this remember late at night And for some reason you wouldn't drink water when you went to the fridge you would drink juice You want to hear something fucking disgusting? That lining on your mouth. Yeah I used to drink milk at night That's fucking disgusting. Yeah, it's not great. I used to drink milk all the time. Your mouth must have been Do you know I used to get home from the park like

Five hours of playing basketball come home go right to the gallon of milk and chug it and not shower What would you go to? So will you want a little stinky? Dirty disgusting kids. No, my parents would threaten me if I didn't shower Were you like because there's always a kid in your neighborhood that has like dirt on his face all the time Hold on. Let me ask you a question. Wait. What the fuck are you talking about? There's always like a dirty kid in your neighborhood. It's so full of dirt. Is this charlie brown Yeah, pig pen. You have a pig pen kid. There was one kid that I went to middle school with I mean, I had some people who smell like shit. He was so dirty. He's dirty boy

Yeah, and his pants were too small. I hate when pants are staining. Yeah, and I was like, yo, man like Your size up man. Take a bath dudes. You know what I mean? Listen, you Take a shower is more like a bath is kind of gross as well. Yeah, let somebody wash you down. I'll help you out Yeah, squeegee him. Yeah no, but uh Did you ever lie About when you were a child like very young, right and your parents are like, oh, you take a shower or whatever Did you ever been like, oh, I don't want to take a shower and like cry about it?

Uh, I didn't cry about it. I was more mischievous. I would actually wet my hair This is what I was gonna ask you. Did you ever do some like weird ass shit? Yeah, hell Yeah, and like for no reason. Why did we do that because we were just mischievous little badger boys, dude Dude when I was a kid for some reason when my parents like go upstairs and shower Sometimes I'd go up there and like run the water and not get in. Yeah, I'm there Why didn't I do it? I literally would just walk like get my hair wet Get naked put a towel around me because I was very small You know like a towel would wrap like a kid up completely around you and then I'd just be like, all right

Like I'm gonna go get dressed and be like, okay. I'm gonna be like fucking dumb assholes I didn't shower you dumb bitch. Yeah. How weird is that? Or I'd fake that I that or I or I wouldn't use soap showering. I'd get in the shower be wet And then just get out and then and then my parents used to be like, did you use soap? I was like, yeah, yeah, let me smell you. Yes. Yeah, my mom used to say that too I'm so glad that I'm not like a fucking psycho. I hate it Let me smell you. Why did I hate soap and let me smell your breath too. Like when she would tell us to go brush our teeth Yeah, let me smell your breath. Oh my god. This is so fucking funny

I think that's just like a big family like a family thing though. Like because if you have one kid You know when it's showering You know what I'm saying you should You know if your kid's in the shower when you got three or four kids running around Five in mice wash yourself. You got to wash yourself I got to go I got I got to believe you at some point that you're washing your own butt But I don't know what it is about kids. Why do we hate showers? I don't know. Just just just hated cleanliness. Cleanliness. When'd you stop taking a bath?

Uh heaven stops No, like for real Don't fuck with me on this. Well, fun fact whenever I would feel sick up until I was like 20 years old I would take a bath and it would make me feel better. Jesus. Well, that was only when I felt sick Oh, it wasn't like I totally I totally Are you asking when did I stop taking baths like every day? Yeah, like oh, I don't even remember There was never a time where I was like doing it every day But I would take them like periodically. I'm like, haha, just gonna chill. Yeah, but I don't have a bath

I do but it's kind of gross. It's a little sketch. Uh, but I'll go to my mom's house and take a bath there because she has a really nice bath. Yeah, she has like she has jets and stuff in there Yeah, so I'll take like an epsom salt bath one of my backs like sore or something love your house Love everyone in it. A lot of soap in that fucking bathroom. Yeah, I don't know why there's so much soap It's an insane abundance of fucking a plethora of soaps Yes, it's like a whole fucking aisle at bed bath and beyond because it looks like it's almost impossible to get in that bath without knocking over soap It is And you know moms always have good shampoo that you can't use. Yeah

It's like Don't touch this shampoo. I'm like, why is it in here then? Yeah, it's like coconut extract. I'm like, how about just soap holds color I'm like, mom Give it up, ma. All right, you're going gray. Ma. Let it rock. She let it go holds color my fucking dirty ass I don't those are always weird and they make your hair all hard they would have like weird like Shampoos that would like uh, you make your hair. Yeah, like a blue shampoo like when they would dye their hair There's a shampoo that's blue

And then like makes your hair hard I'm unfamiliar with this. Also, you know, what's weird to leave in shampoo. You ever heard of that? No, there's shampoo that you could spray and you leave it in All through all the day. Yeah, you spray a can and it's like that's it. Yeah, and bitches be smelling right Ew, I don't want to do you do on that shit leave shampoo in my hair I think after a while it settles. I don't think you just walk around all like a soapy bitch, you know what I'm saying I mean, it sounds like there's a bunch of soapy bitches walking around with spray on shampoo. What the fuck leave in conditioner that have Yo conditioner is is come

First of all, it's come right. Is there anything worse? Then washing your fucking hair with conditioner because I never feel like I get it out of my hair That's what I'm saying. It's it's very cummy. It's very cummy. It's cummy. Do you sometimes I use it? I'm like It's cum. Do you use two and one? No shampoo and conditioner. I use that in shoulders Sometimes I'll use that But usually I have a conditioner and I have a shampoo and whenever I use the conditioner. I'm like, ew Look at that. It's all gookie. It has the same like

Texture and like but it's hard though. It's kind of like dog doo doo What like no shampoo is more like like jizz. No shampoo is like thick-ass syrup. You got the jizz bait me What are you talking about? You want to debate about jizz with me? Yeah All right, give me your first shot. You think I'm I'm Give me your best shot. I know you've I've know you've dabbled in jizz. I've definitely dabbled in jizz for over the years It's not your first rodeo You're telling me I think that shampoo you're telling me shampoo jizzable. You think shampoo

Yes, is more like jizz than conditioner. What are you fucking stupid? Conditioner's kind of hard hard. Yeah, it's a liquid. How can it be a solid? I know it's a liquid but a poop is is a liquid kind of it's not a liquid. Okay. You solid poop They float they're like submarines and shit. I understand that I understand that I understand where you're coming from But shampoo is more thick. It's got it's like molasses. It's like you could put it on a fucking pancake and eat that bitch But the fucking shampoo a fucking conditioner We're now we're entering the realm of jizz like substances Yeah, and then you put it in your hair and then it never comes out

I've never gotten jizz in my hair, but I can only imagine it's the same. Yeah, it's like baby batter So now do I win this argument? I'll give it to you. Thank fucking you But I'll leave it to people in the con. I mean, you know people can understand where I think where I'm coming from I don't think so I don't I don't think so your honor. I don't think so Listen, what are you gonna do you win some of them some sometimes I'm trying to figure a good rebuttal here, but uh I don't have both on hand or in hand actually I don't have all three on hand. You want me to go get shampoo and and and a fucking conditioner right?

Yeah, if you have it Well, I should have if you have it. I don't know if I have conditioner. I definitely have shampoo if you have shampoo I just want to do the the the index and thumb test. That's it If I could tell if it's a if it's a stretchable strand It's closer to to baby baby batter baby butter You know That's why You got both. Yeah, all right

You got some dove You got some dove. Are they both are they both same prod? There's yes, they're done Uh nourishing rituals. All right. I just want one piece on here. Yeah. All right. Obviously this one's more sticky It's thicker. I said, dude, that's jizzy, dude It's not jizzy. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that stretch. Look at the stretch forget the stretch Danny dude, I mean now when you do that Now you do it. You do it with that Just look at this

That's lotiony the viscosity is not the same the viscosity on that is that one more. Yeah, I understand that The eye test yes, oh my god, there's so much shampoo on the table The eye test yes the viscosity. No Absolutely not. Oh man. I'm covered in shampoo now Now I wish it was leaving shampoo because I could put it in my hair. Actually, I might You're gonna put in your hair I wasn't jizz was Oh, yeah, we have any ads

Let's get to the sponsors here sponsors Sponsors of the basement yard How tall does my head look when I do this? Oh my god That looks like that the kid from the black kid from here, Arnold. Yeah, Gerald. Gerald All right, here we go. Arnold great room, dude One of the best rooms of all time cool fucking room. We had a fucking like stash couch What oh that would like fold into the wall or whatever. All right, uh first up Oh, Danny is no stranger to this one. Uh, we have

Dave.com. I owe Dave money right now Do you yeah, uh, if you're like me or Danny Uh, you're not always paying attention to your bank account balance and the moment you see you're going to be overdrawn It is too late. So you end up spending 37 dollars on a cup of coffee or something like that Don't want to be in the red. No, you don't not exactly the place you want to be. Dave keeps me out the red every month Um, Dave is the number one budgeting app in america because it saves you from overdraft fees Tells you about upcoming bills and can advance you 75 dollars from your next paycheck with no credit and no interest Which is a big one which is big for me

Right. So basically if you're in the red Or you're close to being There and you're like, I can't really spend $25 right now. You were looking at me because you know my bank account so well, though I don't know your bank account so well. I know your paychecks Uh So, uh Yeah, but if you're if you're close to being like if you make this purchase, you're gonna be like, oh my god

I'm gonna get some overdraft fees. You can get up to 75 dollars Um from dave.com, right? I don't want to get embarrassed go out to a club Spend a little money. Maybe a little bit too much. Maybe you need a little more dough to get out of there Dave will hook you up Three million people already use dave to save up to $1,000 a year and overdraft fees That's why it's the number one budgeting app in the app store You can go to dave.com slash basement. It really helps to show if you let them know you've heard you heard of them here Yes, um, so go do that

Then download dave and never pay another overdraft fee ever again. It's immediate savings. You can go now dave.com slash basement Uh, it's spelled just like how it sounds dave.com slash Abbasement worth every penny worth every penny. Oh, I get it kind of a pun kind of a pun kind of a pun kind of a pun I'm working on my puns Trying to be pungent with my puns. I'm gonna throw up Um, our next sponsor is mvmt. You know mvmt watches. They're always on this show, you know Really nice watches. I actually wore them the other day when we went out to dinner I had a nice silver with the blue very beautiful burp coming. I think

Yep, air just left my throat. That's just what happened. It's so weird. It is very strange. I'm sorry Movement watches start at just 95 dollars anywhere else for the same quality you're looking at 400 bucks or something like watches are expensive Um, but they have really nice watches and again, they only start at 95 dollars Um, they've sold about two million watches in over 160 countries a lot of watches even more countries A lot of countries right actually more watches than countries, but a lot of countries We're not gonna mess. Yeah. Uh, but yeah, I have a couple mvmt watches. They're really nice

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Or get someone else to watch, you know what I'm saying mvmt.com slash basement Um, anyway Something I wanted to talk to you about yes And debate father's day. You want me to be your dad? That was a good guess, but no, I don't you do me a favor and flip that because it's kind of freaking me out There's a monitor. Oh, he's gonna turn this down. I think you're gonna flip it. Okay, boom And we're good. All right. Anyway, we're not editing anything out. This is raw, bitch It's raw raw dog in the show. How's so raw. I hope that my

It's so raw raw for you So anyway, the thing I wanted to talk to you about so Justin Bieber called out tom cruise On twitter and he was like, yo scud Uh, I want to fight you in the octagon If you don't accept then you're then you're scared for life. Dana white set it up Right. I saw that now. Is this premise prefaced by anything? No, it's just like a shot in the dark. You know what I'm saying He was just like

Chilling and then one day he saw tom cruise and was like, I want to fight tom cruise. First of all, tom cruise will wash that ass Yeah, I'm gonna go tom cruise in that fight as well because he's a crazy person. Yeah, he's actual maniac I believe he has like slaves Like human slaves. Yeah, he's a Scientologist, but he's like Basically a god in that community Um, he's also like five five. I'm gonna go out on the record and say I could beat the shit out of both of them at the Same exact time. I don't know man. Cruz might be tough. I would fucking kill tom cruise dude. He hangs on the side of planes He does like all his own stunts. He's like 55, dude. That's great. I will punch him in the face and he will

Fall down. I don't know man. You do know You know Do you know Maria manunos maria renuno shots maria manunos horrible laugh though Her laugh is horrid. Yeah, but she's very hot. Yeah, she's a very attractive woman. She's very attractive people Is she watching you think she's watching who's who's more attractive justin b. Yeah, probably shout out maria. She's a red sock fan Uh, get out of here. Yeah, um Who's more attractive tom cruise or jbbs? Let's just knock down the whole tale of a tape fine tom cruise vs

Justin Bieber in a fight I'm going tom cruise because even though the guy is like five five He's a very small man. He's a thicker man and he's been on the roids. He's got some gear in those bloodstream Oh, yeah, you know, you're not 55 doing your own fucking stunts hanging on the side of fucking planes If you're not all hopped up on juice. That's what I'm saying. He was jack reacher So he also has some kind of like fighting background He has to he's learned how to fight and use guns in movies like they bring in real people to train you Yeah, Justin Bieber has learned how to like moonwalk. Yeah. Yeah, like took like jiu-jitsu like five times

Yeah, and like line dance. Yeah, like he's not really like, you know, the only thing he has is his age He's younger so probably more agile Yeah, probably could take a little more of a punch, but believe there's going to be a bunch of punches. Yeah Who's better looking though in their primes? Or like today today I don't know. It depends if Justin Bieber is doing his hair. Yeah, I know sometimes he grows that bitch out. It's like, uh You look like a homeless surfer and then also his beard. It's terrible. It's not sick. It's not sick It's not sick. It's not sick and he's got a lot of tattoos that also

Not sick. Yeah, I think Tom Cruise washes him dude. Yeah, I think he beats a shit out of Yeah, like he wants no part of that crazy. Fuck like Tom Cruise will train for that shit Tom Cruise will run up fucking Mount Everest with three people on his back Yeah, like do that creepy laugh that he does Just to come down and whip Justin Bieber's ass. Yeah, and I want Bieber to win. Oh man. I love he's our generation I love I love the beat. I want him to win. I'm a big beep guy I would be ruining for him so hard. Me too. Vegas and me says take TC. I'll be honest with you. Um I'd probably bet on beeps because I feel like I'd be getting good odds

No, I don't think you would really you think people would be betting on the beep I think people will be betting on babes. I don't think he's betting on the beep I'm betting on TC all the way. I mean the only reason why I wouldn't if he was like minus 180 I'd be like, whoa I'm gonna ride with TC. Really? You're gonna lay that 180 minus 180. Fuck. Yeah There were five hundo on that. Whoa. Yeah. Okay. Go crazy on him Fucking but oh, you know, I go crazy. No, I know but if I'm getting plus money with Biebs Yeah, take a chance. Hopefully he's been like train it like, you know what it is though, like he's the last time you want to bet

Um, let's be honest. What's the last time I made a bet is the real question that I win the last bet that I took No, I don't for a fact. It's a no. Yeah. No. No. Yeah, it's not because I yeah, I owe somebody money Um, no No, but uh What the fuck was I going with that? Oh, Justin Bieber. You would take him if he was plus money if he was plus money. I'm taking him Here's the thing. Do you go to the fight? Fucking yeah Yeah, dude. We're because you know, that's not gonna be in Vegas. No one gives a shit that much

No, they'll do it in like Atlantic City or some shit. It'll be like in like South Carolina Or like some random like Wyoming come out to Jackson Hole. I don't think Vegas would sanction that. No, fuck that I would go. I would treat it like it was a Floyd Mayweather fight. Yeah, man. I get real dressed up I go crazy I would dress like the Kentucky Derby and show up and be like, yo, what's good like I already know like boy. Hold on. Here's the thing, right? What are they fighting at? Are they just gonna fight at their weight because there's no way in there in the same weight class Oh, how much do you think Tom Cruise weighs 150 150 140? He's a thick boy, bro. All right. Look it up. See how much he weighs

You can google that. Yeah, you could google celebrities weights It's gonna be ballpark. Well, you're gonna tell me Justin Bieber weighs more than 160 pounds. No fucking way. Maybe 170 How do I google that? All right, Justin Bieber height and weight weight Do height and weight. I know his height. How tall is he? I don't know his height I'm saying he's got to be five foot nine No, I think he's shorter. No, he's he's he's listed at five nine. He's five eight. Yeah, so he's five eight I'm five 10 145 pounds

Okay, which means I would destroy Justin Bieber uh tom cruise Tom cruise height coming in at Five seven. He's five six. Yeah weight Whoa It says 148 pounds. All right, but a pure steel Kind of actually this is not the best picture of cruise. Let me see cruise. Damn. That's a horrible picture, bro

What is that? I mean, it's not 20 years ago It's not 20 years ago. I mean, he's a thick boy. All right. So so do yo tom cruise is five six There's no way he's got to be five four dude How is how is he like an action hero at five six? He's a tiny man kicks a lot of ass Do you think he wears like elevator shoes? Yes. Yeah, absolutely to look taller. Yeah I mean just like uh in movies. They do that just to set optical illusions and shit

So all right, let's go. Who do you think is hotter not today? Obviously, it's fever I think tom cruise and his prime was a fucking very good-looking guy. He's a good-looking guy jerry maguire Top gun top gun top gun Risky business But also beaver when he was like No, no, because beaver had a like all the girls like dui pictures. He looks like ellen de generis I don't think he looks like ellen de generis. He looks like if If kate mckinnon and ellen de generis had a baby it'd be just in beaver

God, I want to say you're wrong, but you're right He had a good he had a good run though. Yeah, for sure. I still think he's an attractive kid But like he's really trying not to be though. Yeah, I know but like think about leo trying to like find himself He's doing a bunch of religious stuff and going to church I don't know some stuff like that, but think about leonardo caprio Not the best-looking guy, but in the beginning but titanic titanic leo my god take my body I'm ready. That's what I'm saying never really brought much to the table in terms of like being like oh my god Yeah, you know, you know the problem is fucking lusted over him the beach, dude

The beach was a good one. He's got a fucking puke shell necklace guy is like having sex with like really hot tan women I'm like this guy's getting it. What is better than that? We're living on an island Honestly puke shell necklaces if you wore those in the 90s, you were getting some pussy like fuck. Yeah, at least fingering Oh, you were fingering without like by accident walking down the street just with your hands. Whoa, and you're just it's insane That's just kind of whoa. What was that? Just like doubling up, you know Oh, did you go three fingers? No, too. What do you think I'm sick freak? Oh, I don't know. I was gonna say you might want to warm up to that before you start pushing. How many? For me? Well, you go wait. Hold on. Have you done?

Oh, oh No, I haven't well. I don't know. Have you ducked? Oh, I've never ducked. I've never ducked ducking is very That's crazy ducking is you know getting all the way in there with a duck all five fingers Yeah, you can't go this way. You got to duck your way in there. Yeah, but I've no I've never Fisted somebody if that's you're asking me continue to plunge. I hope my mom's not watching. I don't actually I hope she is mom I've never fisted anyone. You're proud of me. Please. Yes um I'm gonna take tom cruise and looks department. He's done it over a longer period

Yeah, I think he's a hotter man. He's more my type. Justin Bieber is too pretty. Yeah, it's too pretty for me I think he's more of a man's man tom cruise. Yeah, but he's a fucking maniac. Yeah That's why I think you're gonna want to be friends with jesson beaver. Yeah, I'd much rather be friends with definitely don't want to be You know friends with tom cruise. No, he has like a foot slave and shit. Yeah, and he'll be like, uh, no, it's cool It's cool. I'll be like it's not though. Yeah, you know what? He's great in tropic thunder Yeah, he plays like the fat guy like going crazy. I feel like that's how he is around his house He's like, oh fucking ass rape you. Yeah, like he's nuts Yeah, I really think that's that's him as well. Yeah, I don't think beaver can get to that level of crazy

I don't think he can me neither I feel like he's got to pack it in at some point. Yeah, he'll be like enough. This is enough Tom cruise was relentless jumping on a couch on Oprah's show for god's sake. So you don't do that if you're not like You know katie holmes hot or not? I'm gonna say But I'm gonna say she's pretty katie holmes. Yeah all right She is pretty

Yeah, there's different things. You know, we're pretty hot. There's cute. There's pretty and there's hot. Yeah You know what I'm saying? Yeah Yeah, so pretty is just like look at this elegant woman like richa mcadams. She's a very pretty woman. Yes. Yes Someone say beautiful. Right, you know, and I mean, I would say that. Yeah, she's a very beautiful. I think so I'd do it. But like like jennifer lopez is like hot Yeah, like just like a sexy caliente Scarlett Johansson

That's a that's a A pretty woman. Yeah, you know, which isn't which isn't bad. Yeah Ariana grande Cute. Yes. She's very small. I don't look at her and go like, oh my god. What a knockout. Yeah, right? I just go like she's very attractive. I'm like, oh, you were like the cute girl and like my my ninth grade biology class Exactly. And there's nothing wrong with the cute girl. No, they're the best. I like the cute girl. I prefer them I like the cute girl. Yes, but sometimes you need a sexy To get angry at you

Get y'all get y'all tied up in your emotions. Yeah Turn your head over heels for him, you know Just from the touch of that couch From the touch of that couch. Yeah, you ever just fucking just like Radiates people radiate fucking hotness sometimes You know exactly what i'm talking about chris hemsworth Hot guy hot guy liam nason not a hot guy. No, some people would say he's a good-looking man You know, I I feel I feel like I'll look back on pictures of liam nason when i'm like 60 and be like that guy was hot

Like he's a hot probably how old is he? Like dangle day. Lewis is a handsome man. He's a handsome man, but he's not a beautiful man He's not a beautiful man. Brad Pitt's a beautiful man. Brad Pitt is beautiful. I mean this new Brad Pitt's not me But he's a beautiful man in that new in that new movie. He's in he's clean-shaven. He's got like a like a nice haircut He's fucking hot Glorious bastards. Brad Pitt was a fucking beautiful man. Yeah He gets ugly just to let other people feel okay when he does like the long hair stuff I'm like You're trying to even the field, but you're you can't even do it. Yeah

He just doesn't want to be recognized in public for being so fucking hot. It's annoying to have that much vagina Throne at your goddamn feet like early 2000s. McConaughey super hot McConaughey when he was jacked and like riding long boards and shit Now he's a hot guy. Yeah, but after Dallas buyers club looks a little little naughty Here's the thing when he won the academy award He had put some weight on and he looked fucking smoky up there, dude I'm chasing myself. His speech was a little weird. I mean, he's a you know, like a philosophical redneck guy Yeah, because I may my idol is me in 10 years. Do you know?

You know his brother Yeah, he named his son Miller light. That's what's just amazing. I mean, I'm a big fan of them I'm a big fan of that but he did spell light lyte to make it like, you know, what like a screen name Yeah, it's probably no season uh season the cyst type things going on. You can't season to cyst a child Stop that child You can't do that If you named your son Like a walmart. Can they suit you?

No, they can't right No, I think you can name your kid. Whatever the fuck you want. That's pretty dope. Yeah Would you ever consider naming your Nah Would you ever consider naming your kid? Like let's say you named your kid, uh, danny. Yeah, right Do you want to do that by the way? Um, no, I've done it already I've been I've been a danny. I've it. I don't want my kids to be feel any like weird

underlying shadow of their dad Like I think I think a kid should have their own identity their own name You know, all right, like cut from their own cloth. Do you know I'm named after my dad, right? But like, you know That's more of that generations thing. I think the new generation doesn't like to name their kids after them Okay, I don't know what to for degrees. Yeah, he's making noises over there. Um, after his father as well as well Uh, do you know like a name you want to name your kid? I do I don't want to say it on here. Damn it Why? I don't know. I was curious. No, because I have a very weird

Um Is it versace? Yes It's donatello or donatella. It's a guy No, I have a very weird thing about you think there's a family out there that named all their kids after ninja turtles Some asshole has yes Which is pretty cool when I want to meet him. Yeah, me too, but probably have a pet rat named it fucking master splinter fucking rat. Um It's back You're fucking red. He's dirty fucking red. Your mother's a fucking dirty fucking rat. Every time I see that red

I want to go back. You're fucking red. Your father's a fucking rat. I wish I could kill him a little fucking I put rat poison on a fucking on a stope. He come around he fucking easy. He's dead Your father I see him every time at the store. I say look at you. Look at you. Were you shopping for rat food? You fucking rat put a trap down trap the dad trap the rat. Guess what you trap everybody in that whole family They're all fucking red Sorry about that. I'm sorry. You guys have to see that what happened. What day is it? I don't know What year is it? What year is this jumanji when rob Williams comes out of that? What year is it buddy? I'm gonna be late for class now. Yeah

um The thing I have about kids is that I'm afraid to talk about them sometimes my future children Because like I feel like you know how people are like, yo, don't tell anybody we're pregnant until four months Yeah, like I'm not gonna tell anybody we're pregnant until like the baby is born You're I'm so like superstitious. I'm gonna be like just hide Like we're cloaks Why because I don't know I just feel like I want it to be so you're not doing like a gender reveal of life. No, no, no, no, no

I have a podcast so uh, I'm gonna talk and then this thing's gonna shoot out bluer pink Yeah, no, definitely not gonna do that. I have like I don't know. I have weird like not insecurities But weird like fears about kids. I just want my kids to be okay. I don't want them to inherit like anything for me Really, except for like the good stuff which everyone should feel like Like the smooth ass that you have like my smooth ass, you know what I mean, it's just like I feel like the whole realm of like get having kids It's like you get into the zone where you have to be super responsible insanely responsible and it's like, you know I feel like a lot of parents wing it though

Yeah, everyone's winging it everyone's winging it, but everyone thinks they have the answers to do these things I'm just like, I don't want to be one of those parents. That's like plans all these things for their kid before it's like born You know what I mean Okay, like I should be like, all right So like we're gonna do this and like little fucking Joey jump jumps is gonna do that and little Tommy Tom Tom's is gonna do that and like I feel Scared of kids to be honest to have my own Why because I just feel like it's a responsibility at one point in my life

I'm gonna have I know I'm gonna be great at it. I'm gonna be a great father. I know that already We'll judge you when it comes it's up in the air. It's up in the air. We'll go forward But you know, it's like I just want to be able to do the best that I can for my kids Yeah, and not have to you know kind of not not go through what I went through growing up, but like I was a fucking wild kid You know what I'm saying? I don't want my kids to inherit that side of me. They're kids, bro. They're all wild Yeah, but I was nuts and so are you you know that we were different You know, we were different when we were kids. Yeah, but I don't think I was uh, it's that we were not bad people

It's just like I don't want to go through the thing and be like, hey man, Danny Little priority the third Through a fucking trash can through the window just like his dad. You know what I mean? Like I don't want him to have all that shit Yeah, but that's not hereditary I would say so throwing a trash can no, no, no, I would say children's demeanor is gonna be hereditary Yeah, if you're a bad father Yeah, but also like things like depression can be hereditary and stuff like that and you know when a kid's going like that They could be acting out

So you're afraid you're gonna give your kid depression. No, I'm not afraid I just I would hope that they don't have to go through that. Well, of course I think everything helps that at some point, you know Everyone gets like that, but at some point they're gonna go through that It's just like, you know, having a kid's fucking scary, man. Your whole life fucking changes. No, yeah, it's that's that's the thing It's like I am I afraid to be a dad? No My girlfriend's not even pregnant. I don't even know what we're talking about Like, you know, it's just like it doesn't have a girlfriend once. Yeah, I have a fiance

Uh once once she tells me like I'm pregnant, but I'm gonna feel mad weird Yeah, that's gonna be a day where I'm gonna need to we're needing to go to a bar and I'm gonna drink Yeah, like I'm gonna have to like walk around the block a couple times. Yeah I I'm afraid to have kids Because that you fuck up with your pre-existing shit. Yes. I think that's every person's fear though I think that's every person's fear But you can't you can't live like that. You also won't I feel like you know when they say like people of when humans have like

Superhuman strength when they're in positions where their kids like under a bus or like something like that. Yeah, yeah Like for instance, uh two of my friends not gonna say who but they got into a quad accident once Like a really bad one and they they could have died like they really my buddy got into one too. It's a funny story and my friend who was driving uh He's a strong kid, but he's not You know incredible. Yeah

And the quad was on top of one of my other friends And my other friend who was on the ground said, you know, he walked over and just fucking threw this thing off of me Yeah, he's like I've never seen it like shit like this before like it was crazy. They ended up being okay They had like right minor injuries, but they were like fucked up But I think about being a parent where it's like you're so scared until it's like this baby comes out And you're like I have no I have no choice, but now I have to just do this. Yeah, you figure it out I'm afraid of that though. Like every time it like will cough. I'll be like, oh, it's choking or like, you know like oh like

Like being like seeing my baby sick is gonna hurt me so much Like I'm gonna be so like emotionally like attached to it. I don't know. It's gonna. Fuck me up I think it should have just like on mad different levels. I thought that'll go away once it keeps you up every day until Yeah, I got you. Fuck this day. I'm gonna start burping you after the fifth cough. I'm just gonna cry right next See you fucking like it You know But how do you like when you have a kid are you gonna be like, all right, let's do this Some people are like that. Yeah, I'm not I'm not honestly. I'm not worried about it

And it's not because I'm prepared because I'm fucking not yeah, but I don't think I'll ever be it's one of those things I don't think I'll ever be It's like you just do it. You're gonna be we're all forced to be if I'm being completely honest with you, right? Yeah, if I'm being completely honest with you, I feel like I'm never going to be ready to have a kid yeah, like because I think it's such a huge responsibility and Something that you just have to do. I think the payoff is

Definitely worth it. But when you really think about it for so long I feel like I could talk myself out of it for like ever. Yeah, and if it wasn't because of You know age and what that does to the human body Or even just being what a 70 year old man with like a kid, right would be weird, you know Be fire though, whatever your kid which uh If that wasn't the case then I would It may like could you live a perfectly full life without having kids? Would you like say you go your whole life? You're on your death bed

and like Keats there And you're just like you never had kids though and you're like i'm going and then you go Would I regret that would you regret not having kids at that part of your life? Uh, I think I would I think I would I think a part I think a part of you wants that circle of life kind of thing like you want to leave Part of you here. Yeah, I think that's the beauty of having you know what it is I want to I want to shot at it to see what I can it's it's almost like the competitive nature

Of course you'd be like, yeah, I want to fucking I want to raise this bitch. Yeah, I want to kill it with this kid You know what I mean? Yeah, and it's crazy that people have more than one I have more than two the morning three. You know, it really sucks when you're your first kids are twins. That's trash Yeah, financially and just life Lee No, but I think that uh, again, I think it's one of those things that If age wasn't like a thing like I would wait until I was like 40 probably But I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, but you could still fire off. It's just mostly girls. I can't which is well, I mean

You could I'm like the hottest four-year-olds in the world. Yeah, like that like I'm George Clooney over here Which is another another beautiful man. Yeah, that's a beautiful man. Yeah, I don't know man I think just the overall it's like I can't bring it back You know what I'm saying? It's like dude. This is for I mean, it's only 18 years. Nah, man. Not this fucking generation. Every this kid's all staying home till like 27 years old That's true. You know at least when they're 18 you get a four-year break. That's true. At least tax was You get a break for 18 years. That's true. You claim them

Yeah, you know what I'm saying at least get some money back But I feel like me and you are gonna be kind of the same dads It's just like you're gonna be a little more like he's fine. I'm gonna kind of be more like Yeah, you know, I think that I think you need a healthy balance of that Which I think I got from my parents because one of my parents were Uh, he's fine and the other one were more concerned Right, I think that's just like good because when you have the parent that's like always concerned not around You kind of had to just figure it out. It's kind of like but I'm not gonna be one of those parents

Like oh, we have to get them in fucking uh in dance class like I'm not gonna like find like weird extra correct like curricular activities because like For my kid unless it's like I want them to do what they want to do. Yeah, but with a level of like I'm still in charge here. What are we doing? I don't know But you know what I mean though, it's like I don't want to be my kid's friend. Oh man What like, you know, it's like you want to be your kid's friend So you like kind of let them do whatever they want kind of

No, I want to be friends of my my kid. Yeah, but you gotta be a dick a little From oh, yeah, I mean you gotta be you gotta be your dad, but yeah, you know the guy who lives next door to my mom like He's I hope I could be like that. Oh, we went to the end game with yeah He's a he's a great dude and like his kid is amazing His kid like you can have a full-blown conversation about sports with him Like anything and and I mean now he I think he's 14 now, but he's like an engaging like kid though Like yeah, and he's a good athlete and he's a very smart and he's not a bad kid like he doesn't Fucking, you know, I've never even really heard him curse to be honest with you. Yeah, and like his dad

Is awesome. His dad's really cool and like down to earth and both his parents not just his dad But both his parents are just great like there's great parents like that's what I hope I could be because I know he's like You get lucky. He's like cool. He's like cool with his kid though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's not like a That's his man. It's not a power thing. It's more of like Dude, it's not like a jostling jostling for position daily type thing, right? It's more of just like a very friendly sort of I don't know report Yeah, but but it's you know because he doesn't talk back to his dad And but his dad doesn't have to enforce that. Let me ask you this

You are eating dinner you your wife Or girlfriend fiance whoever and your kid Whatever your marital status is Okay and he calls Your significant other a bitch Where are we going from there? Probably the hospital, right? Probably gonna have to beat this shit out of him, right? I might do the shoulder and the throat. Maybe yeah, we're not ready to be dead

I like I like to think that Go to your fucking room. Jackson. Here's the thing, right? I it's a weird ass thing. Here's the thing It's a it's it's a weird situation because the situation you just painted right where your kid calls your wife a bitch Yeah, that's a dinner table or something right there, right? So My immediate reaction when you say that is like i'm gonna kill this kid, right? Because you don't say that to women let alone your fucking mother. Yeah, you know my life, right? So you don't you don't say that

But also That is your fault In a way. Yeah, because you didn't raise your kid well enough To know that those are like two cardinal sins in the world that you don't Call women bitches in that manner If they like it and you like there's a situation she says call me a fucking bitch call me a bitch Then i'm with it. You know what i'm saying call me a dirty bitch So but in that in that manner

You don't say that You know, so it's your fault that you didn't like you're growing up I would never say that to my mom like even if I was extremely mad at her Like those words would never come out of my mouth not not because I was afraid of getting in trouble But she's shocked at us though Yeah, my mom would beat the shit out of me. Yeah, she'd kick that ass, but I'll fuck her up today though. Yeah I'll fuck my mom up

She knows but I would I would I would I never would say that to my mom not because I was afraid of getting in trouble But more more so because you know like that's my mom Yeah, you don't say that so if your kid is cursing out your wife like Something along the line was your fault. Yeah, you know, whether it be too much like tough love and not understanding your child or like Whatever blah blah blah, but like it's your fault like your kid is a reflection of you at the end of the day Like I blame most things on people's parents. So like do you think like cursing in front of your kid? Is gonna cause them to curse like no if like i'm watching the giant game, right and my kids. I don't got motherfucker I don't but if he sees me call fucking

Jeanette from up the street and fucking bitch see stuff like that is different. He might he might start calling these women better Right, but but it's it's still it's still just like parenting on top of that because like I said the guy that I'm talking about He curses in front of his kid. Yeah, right? Not in like an insanely like disgusting way But there are curse words thrown around. I curse in front of his kid. I mean, he's fucking 14 now So yeah, please you're probably watching like the walking dead Yeah, like, you know whatever fucking game of thrones they're showing penises and shit I was watching the sopranos and I was like No, but so

His kid doesn't do that though And I don't know if he does with his friends or whatnot But he probably does but he wouldn't do it in front of his dad just like I wouldn't I mean, there's a time and a place to curse and it's not around mom and dad Right, especially when you're that age my dad to this age to this day gets mad if I like if I say like fuck Yeah, like really like do we have to do that every time my dad curses he apologized to me immediately after And I'm like dude to me, you know and in growing up in my house I could never curse and if I ever

Farted in front of my mom and my sister if I ever cursed in front of my mom and my sister But you said you used to fart on your sister all the time Yeah, I know but I'm saying if I ever did any of that if I farted in front of them In front of them he would get so mad because they're women you don't do that You know, that was the kind of the thing that he preached So I couldn't even I couldn't curse in my house and whatever and look how I turned out like I mean Yeah, you suck, bro. I mean, I'm saying I'm a fuck. No, but I'm saying like I I curse and shit So I don't think it has anything to do with like if your parents curse

It's about if your parents essentially when you're younger can do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah, as long as they kind of Has to bring them along bring them along. There's to be some sort of mutual respect there and like understanding of What it is. Yeah, you know, whatever, but I don't know what the fuck we're talking about now. Jesus Christ Do you want to know what it is? I think a reason I feel that way is because I'm engaged now and then I'm gonna get married and then I'm like the next step Is is babies. Yeah, bro little baby boy. I'm baby girl. I'm gonna buy so many Christmas gifts

Oh, yeah, just fucking pull up. My baby's gonna be fresh a little fuck. Yeah, I know. Yo, yeah Well, all Danny's spending habits are gonna just be on his kid now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll never let my kid not be fresh though Like ever no never never ever I paid $9,000 for this jacket. Not nothing crazy But like whoa, what kind of jacket is it? It's for my it's for my child. Actually, it's two inches of denim You know, it's weird. It's like how people buy nice clothes for babies and then in a week later. They don't fit the clothes Yeah Just put it in the t-shirts from tj max. Yeah, man Like don't kill yourself out here trying to get all these amazing things let him get to a size baby's gonna grow. Yeah

We were babies once that's fire I'm still a baby I'm still a baby big old baby big old baby. Yeah Can't wait to have my son real quick though before before we talk about this kind of related to babies not really periods The absence of babies the yeah, I guess so yes, um Keith actually screenshot this and sent it to me, but apparently Women are vacuuming their vaginas to stop their periods In the uk

Okay, give me a sec. Give me a second. They're taking a vacuum. Are they putting it up their cooch niche? I'm assuming so. Wow They're like Putting a vacuum up that baby hatch and then sucking Which I don't know why that would stop your peer I feel like if anything that would make it come sooner like suck that period out Come out and play I'm really trying to grab like grasp the physics of this I honestly like now I'm gonna have to go to the fucking like are they laying down and getting sucked

Or are they are they spread eagle like standing on it? And like straddling it and getting pop-sucked Oh my god, but they risk severe injuries Oh, yeah, because you're shoving a vacuum up your vaginas Vacuuming their vaginas in the hope that it will speed up the course of nature So exactly what I said wait, so it means that the period is shorter or it means that the period is not like existed Oh to shorter one nurse in the u.s. Has taken to twitter to warn women to stop using your vacuum hose to end the period early fuck that's one that's

Insanely insanitary and also disgusting. Yeah Just have your period rock out. She wrote you're gonna wind up sucking out a lot more than blood What else are you sucking out man? Probably like your serve Suck out the serve. Yeah. Hmm. Can't have that you need that serve Never even touched it There were two cases of this so far this week and both women had to be admitted So people are are sucking that fucking. I think they should be admitted for being crazy They are sucking that pouch out

Imagine goes to the fucking hospital being like Oh, what happened to be like vacuum vacuum my clit A vacuum is fucking vagine It's insane, dude Um, you can get vaginal laceration damage to the cervix and life threatening infection for the germs on the hose Yeah, man. I'm telling you bro. This shit is unsanitary and you're fucking with that serve Don't do that A vacuum increases that flow

Of over a thousand times which your body can't tolerate therefore sending you into shock Yeah, certainly probably have a fucking septic shock, dude. What kind of fucking moron Things like oh, I just want this to be over and then just like suck it all out We're not afraid of like what this what else is in your vagina. Listen Like I said, I said this on a previous episode Vaginas are like the ocean. We know like 10 of what's going on in there And then the rest we kind of will figure out along the way. Yeah, but so you can't just like stick a fucking hose in that shit We don't know what what you what you're like, you know, I'm saying like

Yo, they they dropped a bomb in the east river and Godzilla popped up. You remember that in that movie. Yeah You never know you put a stick of fucking hose in that puss Who knows what pops out? Yeah, dude. You seen true noble Shit can get crazy. You know what I'm saying? Don't pick up that shit because it melts your hand. Yeah We're gonna have a radioactive snitch now. That's what y'all And then you could kill a bunch of motherfuckers. Do you ever see that movie teeth? No, but I heard about it. Yeah pussy hit with teeth. Yeah, vagina with tape. Damn imagine that. Yeah Can you imagine you're about you feel like you're about to have sex you're like, oh my god, it's gonna be great

And you get in there and then chomp. Yeah chomps that penis off That's a worse nightmare. Yeah, I mean not much would come off, but I hear you I feel you Yeah, I feel you on that but with the thing with the hose in the in the snow Uh, it's weird that it's I hate when like things that are so dumb Obviously dumb. Yeah, don't obviously not safe, but they actually become trends Don't vacuum your vaga. Yeah, please anyone listening here keep your vacuums away from your Your little baby hatch just vacuum the rug keep it away from your puss And god bless america. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. All right. Oh god

Anyway, I love babies What was that I don't know I don't I don't want people to get the wrong idea that I don't like babies I love babies. Oh Matter of fact, we said something on the show about how we said babies aren't cute until like Two. Yeah. Yeah a friend of mine's wife got very upset really very upset. Why uh, because she was like You came to my house You held my baby. Yeah, you said that was a cute baby And now I got to hear that you're saying that babies aren't cute until two

You lied about my baby Did you go fuck? Yeah, I did no the baby's cute the baby's cute. I apologize I love their baby I was saying most babies. We're talking about babies per capita. Yeah. Yeah, you could sprinkle a cute baby in there And your baby is a cute sprinkle That baby's cute I'm gonna I'm gonna go on record Like any newborn baby

Let's just give it a sec. Yeah, let's just give it a sec the little hat's cute though You know I'm saying it's just like it's like a batch of cookies, right? Let them sit when you take them out of the oven. You can't just eat them Let them sit for a little bit. It was a little while and then and then they're great But when a baby comes right out of that fucking puss oven Just let it let's head like form to like how it's gonna be At first, you know soft spots are so weird. They're like purple. Yeah, so like It's like cookies

Love cookies. Love cookies. Just not immediately and the first baby picture I gotta get he's gotta be wearing one of those little hats Definitely put a beanie on that bitch baby in a hat scratch guard mit mittens Oh, that's I like that. What can you ask for? Yeah, what more? I don't want a purple baby pig I don't want a purple and also I don't want to see like the person half a dead It's sleep kind of from like giving birth, you know They're like, yeah, and they're holding the baby and they're really happy, but it's like, you're not looking great Just had a baby. Yeah, let's clean it up Don't don't take it don't take a picture of your baby like fresh out the womb with some debris on it

Like that fucking dinosaur in Jurassic Park where the old white guys like peeling off pieces of the egg Yeah, don't take those pictures. Yeah, I'm saying. Yeah, just like just wait till he's all cleaned up Yeah, I don't want to see the baby like he just pulled it out of rubble Yeah, you know what I'm saying I want to just clean that baby. I like it's been holding its breath for eight days. Yeah, clean Uh, I'm a bad father there's something Oh liar liar such a good movie if anyone got that reference leave in the comments you are so Accepted by Me I don't know what I'm going with that

I do relate to people better when they know like movie comments like that I think quotes I like a part of me likes you so much because you get most of my references. Yeah, because I'm just But random ones like I spew random shit Keith does too constantly So Joe like if I if I spew something out here just go judge goes, huh? I'm like, yeah. Yes I like I like him even more now. All right. Yeah, because there's small lines and movies are in shows That I enjoy so much And if I find somebody else that went through that same process to enjoy it and recognize it that fast

I like that guy. I like people who know movie quotes. Yes, like that is my shit Like if I say it like oh man get in the van But I say it in the tone that it's from the movie and someone goes. Yo fucking that I'll be like Fuck this guy. You know what I'm saying? I I say it sometimes out in public just to see if I get a reaction from stranger I'm a bad father That's a great one. He's a little bit magoo Oh, man, oh, shit. Oh, shit the god damn pen is blue

god damn pen is blue You know, I quote a lot, uh A league of their own. Yeah, it's a great one. No. No. No, you know what that part is Yeah, dude when he throws that dirt in that woman's face That is one of the funniest scenes in television history I'm gonna send a cinematic history Madonna killing it in that. Oh my god. There's fucking pointy nipples through that fucking uh Oh, yeah Why did women wear bras that were triangles back then? I don't know you crying

Are you crying? Are you crying? Who was that girl? There's no crying. Not Gina Davis Because Gina there's no crying in baseball I mean Gina Davis. I'll always remember she was the good catcher again. She had really small teeth She did have small teeth. She had very small teeth. She had dog teeth. Who was her teacher? Her sister? Oh, I don't know her name. She looked like Emilio Estevez, but a woman You know, I'm right They kind of had like the same facial structure makeup. She did look like one of the cast of the Salah

She's very degeneracy, right? Yes, but she had red hair. What was her name? I don't I'm not familiar But all I know is you remember her spoiler alert She let her win. Uh, she scored at the end to win. So Did did Gina Davis? Let her win It's hard to say it's hard to say it was a very big hit at the plate. It was a very big play I think she let her win. Maybe she did because she was so good. Yeah, all she wanted was to fuck her military husband You know what I mean? And that's just kind of what it is

Rosie was doing her thing in them in that movie as well sneak out They just want to sneak out and party I love how they put just like a giant butch ugly bitch in there who hit dingers because like oh rosy d hit bombs No, not her. Oh, I'm talking about the other. Oh the mute lady. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like Like the derpy lady Yeah, yeah derpy lady hit bombs dude. She was hitting fucking dangers that in that movie life. Remember the movie life Eddie Murphy and martin lorenz. Oh, I forgot you're not really black What's up, you don't enjoy black cinema as much as I that's not true

You've never seen the movie life. No, I've never seen life. No, you have to see that movie. So I will see that I did it to you I forget you're not really black You forgot that look at me. You love black comedians. I love black. That's what I'm saying I love Eddie Murphy. I was surprised and martin lorenz. That's why I'm saying I'm surprised you haven't seen that movie I mean, it's an old one. So we quote bad boys all the time Yeah, but that's bad boys Fucking patience and fucking guns

Yeah, I love that movie. I would say The most movie the movie I quote the most Might be billy madison Really? Yeah, this is the greatest night of my life The white norm mcdonnell delivers that one That movie is a good one. What day is it? September You want some of this milk? No milk. We'll ever be our milk

Everybody on the boss. What about you sideburns? You want some of this milk? You know what does shady the remember what he used to make good movies and sam. Uh Yo, it was shady one of the funniest parts of that movie is when the old doils are driving and they hit a banana peel on the road and the dad just goes And drives off Oh dole one day, I feel like your whole family's going down Doyle rules Oh man Good times. Anyway, me and Danny are gonna head to the Yankee game. Let's go

Sports team. You know what I mean? So we got to get out of here baseball hits now So it's been it's been fun. It's been real. It's been real fun Uh, Danny, where can they find you at Danny low priory on instagram and twitter? Enough Um You can uh go follow the show at the base from yard. Go visit our website the baseman yard dot com Hit the contact the show button to send us an email of topics you want us to cover or whatnot Sometimes we dip into that to see what the people want to hear

Um, and yeah, that is all See you guys next time. Oh the patreon go check out the patreon to support the show head on the patreon.com Slash the baseman yard to support the show Danny might want to button up that shirt and that is all see you guys next time