The Basement Yard - #221 - Santa Banged Your Mom

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

On this episode, we discuss the weirdest Christmas songs of all time, Super Sweet 16's, vegan burgers, Danny's model career, Chopped & more!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Merry Christmas everyone, welcome back to the basement, you are. Danny, how you doing? Doing pretty good. Can't hear you. Yep, just... just move it a little, yeah. Can't really move in that thing, huh? Yeah, I can a little. My Christmas is good. You guys are gonna be hearing a lot of ruffling because Danny has wrapped himself in gift wrap paper, and he's got a bow on the side of his head, which I think is a good touch. I think it's adorable. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and just... Oh, oh, thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. So you look great. Thank you. You look great too. You have a wonderful sweater on. Yeah, I got a good sweater on.

I really like this sweater. What the fuck's going on with this wire right here? Oh no, you're all tangled. I'm all tangy-bangy. It's okay, just throw it on there. I'm all tangy-bangy. Yeah, so this episode will be coming out, I believe December 22nd, so Christmas is right around the corner. It's knocking on the back door. Oh, big time knocking on the back door for sure. Yeah. I like knocking on the back door sometimes. Do you like that? It depends if it's whose birthday it is, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's true. It's true. It's more of a guy birthday. Yeah, it's a guy birthday. February 25th, we're knocking on all doors. Oh yeah. I mean December 25th. What'd I say? I said February. No, I did because that's my

birthday. Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna knock on the back door on Jesus' birthday. You can't anal on Christmas. You can't have sex on Christmas, right? Have you ever fucked on Christmas? No. I've never had sex on Christmas. I've jerked off on Christmas. You've beat it on Christmas? Yeah, for sure. I've definitely... Not a deal. Just to get the pregame jitters out, you know? You mean you do it before you open gifts? I do it before like I go to a family gathering. I just had to get it out, you know? That's kind of weird. You want to jerk before you see Aunt Gladys? Yeah, but I don't want... I'm not thinking about Aunt Gladys. It's just that I'm off... I'm on edge on Christmas. It's a very edgy day. It's not edgy at all. I think it is. I think it's a glorious day.

You got to see a lot of people you haven't seen in a while. There's a lot going on. There's a lot of moving parts. There's ham. Help me put this in the car. Yeah. It's all kind of food that needs to get transferred. I got a jerk. I got a jerk off for that. For sure. I look like every one of my Puerto Rican cousins at their quinceañera. You do. You look like your name is like Esmeralda. Yeah, Grismalda or something. Something with a G. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. But I'm digging it. Yeah. You look like your Sweet 16 is in the back of a pizza shop. Oh, I wish. You ever see those? Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. Remember my Super Sweet 16? They'd be like, Dad, this fucking car sucks. It's like, okay. She came in on a fucking camel. Yeah. Your dad rented a camel, which I didn't know

you could just rent exotic animals like that, that live in the desert. Neither did I. And you came in on a camel and you got a BMW, but it wasn't an M3. Right. So you got complaints. Dad, this isn't the color that I wanted. My dad went above and beyond P Diddy's here, but it's not an M3. And everyone's going to fucking laugh at me. And now I'm embarrassed. Now I can't even show the fucking Roy's baseball games. Oh, man. Rich spoiled girls. I'd like to beat them up. I'm not going to say that. Sexually or like, no, with fists, not with whatever that is. Yeah, I'll help you. Yeah, you look like Iron Man kind of. Thank you. Or like Wreck-It Ralph. Wreck-It Ralph? Wreck-It Ralph? You don't know who that is? Is he a Pixar guy? He's a, I don't, I mean, he's in that realm. He goes in

all the video games, right? He like Wreck stuff. He like bangs. Oh, I Wreck stuff. Yeah, I Wreck stuff. He bangs stuff. I do that too. No, no, no, he bangs like buildings. Oh, yeah, I don't do that. Wreck stuff and bang stuff. That's for sure. Oh, yeah, you Wreck it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I believe you. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I wanted to talk about some Christmas stuff since we're on the topic. Yeah, there's some, there's some stuff. So like, I don't know what it is, but from back in the day, all the songs that were used to be created, like every year, like, you know, Ring Around the Rosie is about like dead children or some shit. Yeah, like Pocket Full of Posey Posey was like a disease, or it wasn't a disease. It was like something you threw on a dead person. Yeah, it was like,

it was like the black play going on in that song or whatever, or like Rockabye Baby in a tree top. It's like, who put this baby up there? It's kind of weird. She's gonna fall. She's gonna die. Well, down comes Cradle Baby and all at the end of that song. Sorry, spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't listened yet. It's a bad conclusion. It's a dead baby. Yeah, it's not great. It's not great. You should sing this to your kids to make them go to sleep. You know, it doesn't make sense. But there are some Christmas songs that make no fucking sense. Where the fuck is my phone? Probably dropped it on the floor. I got it. Don't worry about it. But I have the lyrics. One that's like just obvious, right? We have, like, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Now, off the bat, mommy's a dirty whore

cheat. Yeah, yeah, she's a cheating whore. Yeah, with good old Saint Nick, who also dirty whore cheat on Mrs. Claus, who's up there probably taking care of people. You know, she's having, it's just think about that. Just as a busy night for Mrs. Claus as Mr. Claus. Am I saying that right? Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Claus. They're both having a busy night. Yeah. But one is flying around the world a fucking women. Okay, dropping off gifts, but a fucking women. And in front, apparently, they're own children. Yeah, because it's a child found. So like, I'm gonna read the lyrics. Okay, and this is a song performed by the Jackson Five. Take that with a grain of salt. Yes, this was young Michael Jackson. Take that with a grain of salt and a little bit of pedophilia. The first lyrics, wow,

mommy's kissing Santa Claus. Child is, you know, already this is a traumatic experience. I think that's a proper reaction. That's a proper lyric. Yeah, like, wow. Yeah, I would say, I would say, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, I'd be like, ma, you know, yeah, I probably, whatever. But I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. Okay, which also just a weird thing. Why is a mistletoe, why did we do that? Who created that? What kind of lonely man is like, oh, we're gonna make this mistletoe because like someone who can't kiss girls has to be like, yo, this branch though, you have to. It was a perverted nerd that couldn't get anyone to kiss him. Yeah, and he made it up at drunk at a Christmas party. Yeah, and he's like, yeah,

if you walk in, you got to kiss me. Yeah, just kissing dudes walking in. She didn't see me creep down the stairs to have a peep. She thought I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep. So the mom puts the kid to sleep. Good night, little Jimmy goes downstairs. She's ready for that big old St. Dick. Yeah, and that's usually when the freaky stuff starts. If you have kids, you put them in the bed and then the freak comes out. Yeah, put the kids to bed and let me fucking leave cookies out. I'm leaving these titties out for Santa Claus. You know what I mean? Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus. Now, what does that mean? Jerk them off for sure. Yeah, I think I tickled the pickle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's some sexual stuff going on there, some

sexual stuff. Jerk that old man. Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard, so snowy white under the beard to tickle. I don't know about this. It feels nice though. Oh, what a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen not a laugh, dude. Dad would have been pee owed. Yeah, I don't think my dad would ever laugh at someone making out with my mom in front of him on Christmas. Imagine the confusion you come downstairs and your wife is cheating on you and having a affair with a fat old man. But is Santa one of those like that gets like a celebrity like hall pass? He's a mythical man. Like me and my fiance though are like, hey, if you ever have the chance to have sex with Rihanna, go ahead and do it. You know, like I have that pass. Is Santa

worthy of that pass? I don't know, man. He's more famous than Rihanna is. He is way more famous than Rihanna, but also you have to think about this guy probably has all the STDs because he's flying around. He's probably fucking all night. He's getting sucked and fucked all day. You know, he's drained. Yeah, I never really thought about it. Probably gets like fucking 9,000 blowjobs just in New York alone. That's what I'm saying. On this block, I mean, how many suckers can you get on this block? All the houses are connected. Like there's tons of people either in an apartment, there's three sucks in this apartment. Yeah, yeah. And that's included me. Yeah, that's including me. And yeah, that me, you and Josh are here and you know, we're not going to let that

opportunity go to waste. Yeah, I would suck Santa. Yeah, I drain him. Yeah, easily. Probably get powerful too if you did that. Yeah, there's some sort of effect there. It's kind of like Spider-Man. We got bit by a spider and then I started to be able to crawl up like buildings. Exactly. You suck Santa and then you're able to like train reindeer to fly. Yeah, or you like reindeer real? Yes. Or just are they just deer? They're right. They're deer, but like super deer. They have big ass heads. Or like horns, you're talking about. Or like, what's that called? What's the Black antlers? Fuck, we're idiots. But yeah, he saw mommy kissing, kissing, kissing Santa Claus. I really did see mommy kissing Santa Claus and I'm going to tell my dad.

Fucking snitch. Snitch, dude. Why would you do that? I'll be honest. If I came downstairs, I saw my mom hooking up with Santa Claus. A part of me would be like, what a filthy fucking whore. But at the same time, I'd be like, that's a, but that's a mythical famous man. And you can't snitch. Can't snitch on your own mom. Can't snitch on your own mom. Yeah. It's probably because your dad's not throwing it down. Yeah, you got to figure that's why. It's only once a year too. Yeah. It's like, whatever. It's not a big deal. I feel like it's going to sound. Also, I'm not trying to fuck up my presence, dude. That's what I'm saying. You're going to throw everything off. Let dad just be, let him go. What he doesn't know, can't hurt him. You know what I'm saying? Dad, I need

these presents. That's the best part about Christmas is that waits until after the presence, then the sad stuff happens. Then you start talking about the relatives that are dying. Yeah. And who could have made it this year? Yeah. I feel like there's a lot of cross back and forth. Everyone kind of shits on family members that aren't there at that time. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, you could have made the trip. Yeah. All right, whatever. Just pass me more hand. Fucking Uncle Rico, pieces, shit. Three years in a row with this bullshit. I just don't understand. You guys want to come to Christmas? Fine. We're not going there. You know, traffic? Leave earlier then. Fucking idiot. A lot of shit talking goes on in Christmas with my family. Tons, tons, tons.

Love it. Love it. In fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I'm not trying to, like, what do you care about more, like PS4 or your parents' marriage? At a young age, I'm going PS4. I'm going right now at 30 PS4. Yeah. And it also depends. My parents have been together long enough. They don't need this shit anymore. Also, Santa is not going to bring a PS4 with no games. We're talking like, now we're talking upwards of $500 worth of gaming. And that doesn't, you know, I'm not even including the years of happiness this thing is going to bring me. You know, if my parents get divorced, we're just talking about an extra Christmas now. That's what I'm saying. Now I got two. I get one here and one in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Hey, maybe Santa's bisexual because if your parents get divorced, he comes to your mom's house and bangs your mom. But then he goes to your dad's house and fucks your dad. Yeah. Or just sucks him. I don't know if he fucks him. I mean, I don't know either, but something's happening. Would you let Santa Claus suck your dick? In a heartbeat, dude. Yes. Yeah. In the middle of time square. 100%. Well, no, there's people that dress up like Santa. You might just be getting bamboozled. No, I'm saying, but I'm saying if it was the real Santa. Oh, okay. If I had, you know, DNA testing, ancestry.com, like we knew it was him. I still wouldn't trust time square though,

because there's a lot of Santa's running out there. He's probably trying to get blowjobs, to be honest. Yeah. I mean, you know, trust me, I know. What? Go on. Okay. No, I just, you know, I only said time square because I know there's a lot of people there. You want to set up a scene that you would suck him anywhere? No, I thought I was the one getting sucked now. Wait, hold on. No, no, no, no, no. You want me to blow Santa? No, no, no, no. Santa sucks your cock. Fine. Take it. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm going to take that every time. Yeah. 10 times out of 10, I'm taking that. Would you? What about an elf? Would you suck Santa Claus for him to be real?

You never thought about that, have you? Oh, man. I, yeah, props, props. And literally for the rest of your life, he comes to your house like, ho, ho, ho. And just brings me mad shit. And he's real for everyone. You know how many kids lives you would change? Yeah. Just from sucking one day. Dude, forget the fucking, fuck those kids. Think about my life. Think about how your, your, your asks change. Like when I was a kid, I was asking for like toys and shit. This is like $45 in the nineties. And like, I got thousands of gifts. Now I'd be like, yo, Santa, I fucking sucked you. Yeah. You can't bring me a million dollars. At least you can do is, is, yeah. All I want is like a Maserati or something. That's fine.

You know what I mean? You don't just drop one off. You know who dropped one off with you. Yeah. Time ago. Yeah. You dropped one off at me. Yeah. I would, I would do it though, because think about how much laughter and happiness smiles you would bring. Imagine just flying through the sky and be like, all I had to do was suck them off once. Dude, I tell you this right now. I had a dream once on. Whoa. No, no, no. Wait, wait for it. All right. I got a little scared. No, no, no. I didn't have a dream. You're saying, whoa, like you don't have gay dreams about people or just regular people. We're talking about a mythical man who brings

you presents. Yeah. If there's any man to suck in history, it's Saint Nick. I don't have reoccurring gay dreams. I've had some. Yeah. No, but I had a dream once that I saw Santa like flying off of my roof. And I was like, so I'm like, it was Christmas Eve and I had a dream like that. So it seems so real. And I woke up and I was like, these idiots. You would, you would have that dream. Yeah, dude. I was also 17. No, it was also three nights. He came early. I would be fucking blown away if Jesus. If Jesus, what dude? No, no, no. I was fucked up. Damn, dude, Catholics are coming for that. What I was about to say, I mixed up Santa and Jesus and I'm just going to say it. I was going

to say, I don't know what I would do if Jesus sucked my dick. Whoa. Yeah. But I meant to say, Oh, I didn't know if you were going to say all that. No, but I meant Santa. So that's why I stopped myself. Well, you never know. I mean, if you keep asking for it for Christmas, you keep right down your list, you might just get it. You're a good boy, you know? I have another song. This is a hot star, man. It's supposed to be a Christmas show for God's sakes. You're over here talking about the son of God in vain. You're getting cold, dude. I was going to get you a gift, but forget it now. Oh, come on. Forget it, man. You just talked about the newborn king. It was an accident and I stopped myself, but I just reiterated what I was going to say. Now you're

making me feel bad. Now I don't know what I'm going to do now for the rest of the day because now I'm upset. Listen, man. He said it, not me. I would never say that. Come on. All right. Let's do it too. So the song Santa Baby. Yeah. This is another one that's a little you know what I mean? She's a filthy whore. Yeah. So Santa Baby and then it's slip a sable under the tree for me, which I don't know what that means, but it sounds hot. What's a sable? I don't know a cat. What is a sable? I got to look at that. Sable. Was it a sable? I know sable from wrestling. Yeah. Do I know that sable? Uh, sable. Oh, wait. Is it a bean? Wait. It's a cat. It's somewhat a short, short tail, dark brown fur. Yeah. It's a cat native to Japan and Siberia.

I think a sable is a cat. It's an animal. It's a species of, a species of Martin. She wants a Martin. Martin Lawrence? Ricky Martin? I think so. Um, what was that? I was itching my face. Gotcha. Um, she wants a sable for Christmas already off to a hot start. You want like this exotic animal, big ask off the bat. First verse, you want to, you want to sable. It's a horse request. Yeah. Yeah. And then it goes to, uh, Santa, baby, a 54 convertible, two. What year is this written in? Probably not 54, man. Probably around there though. I didn't know people were that fucking horny. Dude, I, when do you get off asking Santa for a convertible? Yeah. No, I just asked him for a Maserati, but that's different. I had, I did a favor for him.

Yeah. But you're just asking him like in the wind for no reason, like, yo, give me a fucking, this exotic cat. Under my tree. Under my tree. Then give me a 54 convertible. First of all, how's he even gonna get it into your delivery room? This woman's disgusting. Yeah. Go on. And then, oh, she wants it to be light blue. Didn't even, she has to be very specific about the color. She's worse than the sweet 16 kids. Yeah. This is, this is, this is something. It's Santa Claus. Yo, Josh. Josh, it's Santa. Josh, I think Santa's here. Josh. Josh. Come here. It's Santa. Santa rang the doorbell. Can you get that? Whatever that is. I don't know what it is. It could be chairs. Um, so obviously she says hurry down the chimney

tonight. That's like one of the famous parts of that song, you know? So she's, she's, um, she's playing that from, then it takes a turn. Song takes a turn. Think of all the fun I've missed. Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed. So she's, so she's painting a picture of like, I'm saving myself for you. Yeah, but she's also painting a picture like, oh, like, you know, I could have got so much more dick. Yeah, but I didn't because I was waiting for you. Yeah. This is, this is like the first, the first gold digger in, you know, Christmas history. No much more cock I could have got, but I waited for your old fucking wrinkly dick. Yeah, because I wanted a convertible and a, and a, and a sable. Yeah, she's a gold digging slug.

Keep going. Yeah. Um, next year, I could be, I could be also good if you'll check off my Christmas list. Now she's bribing them. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a bribed. It's an innuendo though. That's a bribe though. I think it's like, if you buy me all the stuff, then I'll be good. Like that's how, that's hush money right there. What does, what does she know about Santa? Repeat that line again? Next year, I could be also good if you'll check off my Christmas list. I think her Christmas list might be her, her pussy or her asshole. I don't know. Wait, maybe she, maybe she wants, maybe she wants to be a bad girl this year and get fucked. It wasn't for us.

Dammit. Oh. Um, and then we have, now we have more Santa baby. I want a yacht and that's really, and really that's not a lot. A yacht. We're talking upwards of millions here. We're talking tens of hundreds of millions. Is that for a yacht? We're talking millions of dollars here lady, which are convertible and your sable, which I don't even know if those are allowed to be in your neighborhood or to, you know, be domesticated. A sable on a yacht though is pretty hot. All of this is hot on a yacht. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's hot on a yacht. It's true. Yachts make things hotter. Yeah. So fucking true. Wait, what? Santa, honey, one thing I really do need the deed to a platinum mine.

She wants to fucking, there will be blood? What does she want? She wants to, she wants a mine. Who's she? Daniel Day-Lewis? Is she a miner? She's a miner? She can go to a mine and mine platinum? Well, I hope she's not a miner. No, I think she's of age, but I'm not sure. Here's the song written by my seven-year-old daughter. Santa cutie and fill my stocking with a duplex in checks. Sign your X on the line. This is about, yeah, this is a golden, golden slug. Come and trim my Christmas tree. Well, now we're talking about, That is, that is vagina hair. That's vagina hair. Let's get it. Yeah, a Christmas tree. I've heard that before.

Trim my Christmas tree? Yeah, with some decorations bought at Tiffany. Whoa, dude. Now she wants you to hang ornaments on her pubic hair. Yeah, she wants you to hang a locket in her pubes. I really do believe in you. Let's see if you believe in me. Santa, baby, forgot to mention one little thing. A ring. God damn, dude. This guy can't get a break. This is a long night for Santa. Yeah, no, this is, I mean, the long night for the elves to make all this stuff. Yeah, that's true. So as long as she doesn't get pregnant, he's all right. Yeah, I mean, this is not the type of woman you want to know.

No, no, no. That woman's a disgusting, golden slug. Yeah, that's what... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, man. No, but it's a little crazy, man, that you know, you have to, you got to deal with people like that, then you give them an inch, you take them out. What are you doing? My bow fell off. Yeah, I see that. For sure, I see that. I try and put my bow back on. Guys, go... Tell them about the Patreon while I do this. Yeah, guys, two things. One, go follow at

Santa Gatto Studios on Instagram. There's going to be a lot of content of Danny, you know, struggling with his newfound outfit here. Josh! No, leave Josh out of here. I'll just stick it on your head. Put it on my head. Put it on my head. You know what? I'm just going to take this. No! I'm going to take it.

Okay, put it on yourself. You're right, you're right, you're right. But yeah, so anyway, with our Patreon, we're changing up the Patreon in 2020. You know, we haven't had a guest in a really long time, so what we decided to do is we're going to make content every day of the week for our Patreon. So on Patreon, the lowest tier is $5. With that, you will get every episode full video a week ahead, okay? So you're watching this episode right now on Monday, if you are. Also on Patreon will be an episode full video like this

of next week's episode already up there. Look at that. So you guys wanted the video, now you got it. I worked my little brown hands to the bones. Yeah. And then the next, and then the next tier is $10. And with that, you get the episode a week ahead and you get all this content. So you get a...

What the fuck does Patreon want? What the fuck does Patreon want? Where patrons can send in questions and me and Danny do a Q&A. We do that bi-weekly. And then also bi-weekly, we're going to be doing episodes with guests. So people like Keith. People like a man or whoever. Or your favorite social media influencers who happen to be in New York.

So we're going to record some episodes with them as well. That's right. So we're going to be doing extra episodes on there. Also end the Patreon exclusive. Oh, hey, that's a lie. I think we're getting rid of that. Yeah, we're getting rid of that. This isn't...

Yeah. So we're doing two exclusive Patreon episodes with guests. That's in the $10 tier. Right. And then the last tier is going to stay the same. It's the $50 tier. That's just personal shout-outs. That's just personal shout-outs and everything they were talking about.

Yeah, and the patrons also get merch codes before anyone else does. So they get full first dibs at that before it sells out. You're killing it, dude. I mean... Every time you move, I'm like, what is this kid doing? You're killing it. Come on. Oh, we do have one sponsor for the show today.

Oh yeah, let's do that. Santa, baby, I really want to get stuff from you. So I'll suck your weirdo penis tonight. That's a more realistic... That's what the 2019 version of that song should be. Yes. And guys, if you are someone like Santa Claus, you have a dangerous job. You're flying through the air.

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Life insurance. Because it's your life. You only live one life, you know? So if you go down, don't leave me with the bill. You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There is one more song though I wanted to talk about. Yes, let's talk.

It's like the most obvious one. Baby, it's Call Outside. Like, we're still saying that. I actually will go on record and say it's one of my favorite Christmas songs, but there is a, you know, a rape happening. Yeah, that's a full-on rape. That's a full-on R word here. Yeah.

Full-on rapist. The whole song is a back and forth between a woman and a man, and the man is like, he has all these excuses of why she needs to sleep over. And then at one point, he's like, yo, you should have a drink. And she's like, you know, I can't, you know, whatever. And he's like, all right, I'll make you a drink, you know? She's like, no, I can't have a drink. He's like, no, yeah, I'll make it.

Don't worry about it. You know, it's where it's just like, and the neighbors might think, and he's like, it's bad out there. And then she says, what's in this drink? Yeah. We're talking about roofling here. That's a Cosby Cosmo right there. That's it.

That's it. Yes, that's exactly what it is. Oh, yeah. It's a Cosby cocktail there. Cosby cack. Nothing goes more hand in hand than Christmas and roofling. Yeah. I simply must go.

And he said, baby, it's cold outside. And then she goes, the answer is no. His reply is once again, baby, it's cold outside, which is not a reply. You know what I mean? He's trying to save her life? No, I don't think so. He's trying to fucking knock boots.

Yeah. That's what he's trying to do. Trying to have dirty sex. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening. Yeah. My sister will be suspicious. Actually, it's no suspicion. My brother will be there at the door.

Please, you need to try to go slow. Oh, maybe she's maybe she's sucking him. No, no. Stop it. Wait, here we go. No, no, no. Just hear me out. This woman needs our help, Danny.

No, no, no. But what I'm saying is maybe she's like getting his, she's jerking them off. She's like, yeah, I should probably go. And he wants to go all the way, you know, and he's just getting a little, getting a little pushy now. I don't know, man. It says, I don't know all the lyrics.

Let me your coat. It's up. And he says, it's up to your knees out there. And she's like, you really have been grand. And then he said, I'm feeling you touch my hand. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There was a physical, there was some happen there. She's like, but don't you see?

And he said, how could you do this to me? She said, there's bound to be talk tomorrow. And then at least there will be plenty implied. And he's like, think of my life. And then he said something. What's the sense of hurting my pride? Yeah, but he also said, if you caught pneumonia and died. So now he's like throwing out there

that she could possibly die. How bad is this storm? Yeah, Jesus, where are you going? Yeah. How far are you walking? It actually, now that I'm, you know, it does sound, it's not a safe house to be in, but maybe go to a neighbor's house.

But this doesn't sound like a storm you should walk in, if he's saying all this stuff. No, no, no, no. Like maybe, maybe, I don't know. And it honestly just ends and says, she goes, I really can't stay. And then he says, get over that holdout. And then it's, ah, but it's cold outside.

That's how it ends. So we don't really know if she stayed or she died of pneumonia in the storm or made it home. Who spoke last, him or her? I think it was a mutual kind of visit. Oh, okay, okay. This is a song about weather. I was saying maybe she fell asleep from the roof, Helen.

I mean, she could, yeah, she could have hit the floor on that one. But I don't really know, to be honest with you. It's kind of weird how all these songs mean weird stuff. They're very sexual. Yeah. Very sexual. I don't know if I like it.

I don't like it either, man. It's just so crazy. Because it was like literally like 20 years ago. No, it was like 40 years ago. 40 years ago, it was like cool to make these remarks at women. Yeah. I saw that thing on the news where that guy was running. Did you see that?

Running? This woman was covering some kind of marathon or something, 5K or something. And she's like, yeah, we got some runners here. A guy runs by her, slaps her right on the ass. Yeah. What'd she do? She just looked flabbergasted.

She was like, I think she wanted to say fuck, but then she realized she's in TV and can't say it. And she was just like, yeah, the guy ran by her, smacked her right on the butt and kept running. Yeah. So some of those old school people are still alive. They're still alive and kicking. Dude, they're psychos, man.

Yeah. It would have been great if she just threw the mic down and took off after him. Yeah, or just fucking unleash the fucking curse-filled tirade on him. Because you can't, you're not going to lose your job. I was sexually assaulted on TV. Yeah, I'm going to react.

But she handled it like a pro, which is good for her. She should have handed it like a pro fighter. And just fucking give this guy a 1-2. Yeah. Just fucking arm barred him and shattered his fucking joints. I want you to think of a guy that slapped your ass. Me? No, not in real life.

I was like, what are you? I want you to think of a guy that would slap someone's ass. He looks just like that. Okay. An older one. Yeah. You got him? Yeah.

Yeah. It looks just like him. Nice. Yeah. Good. Yeah. And he did a little shit eating grin too as he ran off. You piece of bastard.

Yeah, yeah. Piece of bastard. I like that. Piece of bastard. I like piece of bastard a lot. That one just flew out of me. I don't know why. Piece of bastard.

No, that's a thing I could get behind. Yeah. That's a business. I'm a piece of bastard. Yeah. That's a great sweater, by the way. You like it? Yeah, I'm really into that.

I got balls on it. Look. This is it. I'm just going to say, if we went to a Christmas party and there's a costume party there, I think we win. Yeah. I think we win it.

It's a shame that they don't do costume parties for Christmas. I think Christmas is a great time of year to dress up. I have a lot of sweaters. Yeah. So I think that we should start. If we go out from now on, we should wear a sweater. I'm in. I'm in.

Like if we go to a bar, we're both sober gals now. Yeah, that's true. So we can go in there and get a couple seltzers. But this was plan number two. The wrapping. Yeah, because I had a sweater, but I'm too fat now. It doesn't fit the boy. No.

You grew out of the sweater. Yeah. Did you tumble dry? Yeah. You tumble dry? Yeah, I tumble dried and shrunk, shrunk. And then I grew, grew. Yeah, you did.

Which you mix the two to and it doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. But I was just like, you know what? I want to be a big present. Because I feel like I am a big present. I'm a big present to the world. Look at this confidence booming out of you.

Yeah. Christmas time. I do have confidence. You do. I've been oozing with confidence. Yeah, I mean, don't ooze on the carpet. No, I won't. But I've had some great things happen in my life recently.

What happened? I had a nice eventful meeting the other day. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, I'm so glad we can talk about this now. Guys, Merry Christmas. Danny's a model. Yes. Yes.

I'm officially a model. Okay. With an agency and everything. Yeah. He's a plus size model. Yeah. But they fucking shit on you. They did shit on me.

Because in the meeting, they said that. Oh, this is my story. Let me tell you. Oh, yeah, dude. I almost. So I go meet with the agency or whatever. And you know, I'm looking very nice. I'm a nicely dressed man.

Oh, yeah, you look great. I looked great. So I go in there. I'm having the meeting and the guy's like, so what do you want to do? Also, the guy's name, should I say his name? Tell you. His name was Sparrow.

Gay as the day is long. He was a gay man? Oh, yeah. Great guy. Fantastic. Oh, he was a gay sparrow. A gay sparrow. Sparrows are birds.

He's a gay bird. You know when someone tells you what their name is and you're just like, that makes sense. This guy made sense. Well, Sparrow just sounds like a very evil biker, man. No, Sparrow sounds like a fucking vulnerable gay bird. See, I'm getting a different vibe from Sparrow. Really?

I'm thinking of Sparrow's got one eye or something. No, you're thinking of Jack Sparrow. Well, no, I'm thinking of, you know how like, when people have that cut that's like vertical over their eye? Yeah, it looks awesome. Yeah, it does look cool. That's how I picture a sparrow. No, no, no.

And maybe a tattoo on the neck. No, no, no. This guy had Yeezys on and was very, very, very flamboyant. Was he hot? Good looking guy. Nice. Good looking guy. So he looks at, I go in there and he goes,

hey, do me a favor. And once I heard do me a favor, I said, this guy's going to make me suck his dick. Because when I got there, there was very cast and couch-ish. Oh, there was a couch? Yeah, there was a white couch. And then my sick freak mind goes into another realm. But I'm down for the cost.

You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get this deal. Yeah. You know? So he wasn't going to like, even if he was kidding, I would have said, yes, just to show him how down I am. Right. Yeah.

Then he asked me, would you do nudity? And I said, yeah. Wait, that was his first question? It was one of them. Wait, this guy, within the first five minutes of meeting you, asked you if you would dump that DL? Well, they asked you, like, what are you comfortable doing? What are you not comfortable doing?

And I was like, yeah, I'm down for anything. And then they were like, nudity? And I was like, yeah. Are you down for nude? Yeah, I'll fucking dump this dick. I don't care. They got to fluff me, though. I'm not going in there soft.

Oh, my god. You know what I mean? If I have the opportunity to slap it around a little bit before I get in there, I'll snap whatever picture you want. I could not wait till they pull me if they see this. Oh, it's going to be. It's whatever. I'll go to another one.

First of all, not only that, but you already did it, bud. You're a model. Yeah, I'm done already. No one can take that away from me. They're looking for work for me. I should have something in the next three to six weeks. That'd be dope. So hopefully I get something.

If not, then maybe I go elsewhere. But I am a model, technically. So I sit down. We're talking about getting naked and stuff. And then he goes, let me see your Instagram. Yeah. And then that picture that I took up against the wall when I was just fucking looking buff.

And my dick was out. And he goes, wow, you're really handsome. And I was like, thank you. Thank you. He's like, no, you really have a good look to you. You have a very, the word that he used was it's like a, I'm trying to think of the right word. Powerful.

It wasn't a powerful, but it was like brutish. It was like that kind of word. You got a brute sex appeal. Yeah. He didn't use the word burly because I would have laughed and I would have remembered. But he was like, you got like a brutish look to you. Nice.

You know? OK. Yeah. So in my head, I'm like, nice. Yeah, like an orc from Lord of the Rings. Right. And he was like, you know, you're not really plus size though. Shit on you.

Said you're not fat. I'm fat. You got to throw that. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you worked hard to be fat. Yeah, dude. I want to be a plus size model.

I don't want to be in the pool with the sharks. I want to be in a pool with the fat sharks. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be, I want to be fat. So when I'm doing that, he's like, you know, it's like you're, you're, you're actually quite muscular. Wow.

This is fucked up. So I'm like, yo, does this guy not know that you like went as far as, as getting diabetes? Yeah. You're fat. Like you earned this. I tried to tell him.

Yeah. I said, dude, listen. Listen, I ate and drank myself. I said, I'm 248 pounds. I'm plus size model. Yeah, man. So now I don't know if he thinks I'm joking or not, like at this point, because he's like.

You got serious with him. Yeah. And he was like, are you OK with us taking 20% of your commission? I go, it's not about the money. Yeah. I look at him in the face. I go, it's not about the money. It's about being a star.

It's beautiful. Yeah. And he was, and yeah, and. They're going to make a movie after you. Yeah. And at that point. I'm going to make the movie. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll produce it and act in it. I'll be myself. We're just going to film a video. Yeah. That's fine. And he was like, he's like, all right, like, all right.

That's cool. He's like, but here's the thing though. It's like, you already have like a pretty big audience, like a huge audience. So I was like, yeah, but like, you know, I want to be in the rooms with people, you know, make connections with this, you know, meet other people in the industry.

And he was like, all right, cool. And he takes my Instagram and just starts scrolling through my Instagram while talking to me. Does he know you used to be even more plus size? I think he got down there. He got down. And then there's a picture of me on my Instagram where I'm like hulking up a little bit.

Yeah. And he was like, wait, that's you. And I was like, yeah, he's like, I don't know if you could be plus size. He fucking non-fat shamed me. This is disgusting. It is disgusting. I'll be honest with you.

It really is. He non-fat shamed me. He non-fat shamed me. So what did he do? I walked out of there thinking I was skinny now. And now I'm not. Did he compliment you in there? He complimented me.

What an asshole. See, when that was happening, I said, this guy just is, this is, this is shady. This is shady. I'm walking in here and fat, man. You're telling me I'm not fat now? You think I'm not fat enough? I'm not good enough?

Yeah. He doesn't think you're good enough. I think that's what it is. And then what I said to him, yeah, I know. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you get upset. I am. We got to go down there now. Yeah, of course.

Also, if you want, we could, I'll get a pizza in here. And we'll finish it. Listen. I'll clean a pizza right now, will you? I'm ready. I'm ready. Sparrow, I'm down for the cause. Yeah.

You know? And I was like, hey, we got to prove him wrong. Yeah, we're going to prove him wrong. And once I get booked to work, I'm going to send the check, send the 20% to him individually. Yeah. Danny's willing to die for this. I really am willing to die for this because I just—

A couple of clogging already for this. That's 100%. 100%. Well, like 90% so we can survive. Yeah, that's true. 100% you're in trouble. You're in trouble. 90% clog.

You're right. You're right. And then he really looked at me and was like, you really want to be a plus size model? Something. Wow, man. Yeah. And I was like,

yeah. I had to convince this guy like 30 times that I want to be a plus size model. Because I think honestly, but he was like, I think he thought I was a little too good looking. That's disrespectful to the whole shit. Which I kind of felt. I kind of felt that. I'm going to lose my deal.

But I was just like, you know, like— What's even better than becoming a model? Being immediately dropped. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to happen. I don't give a shit. Whatever. It was all about getting in there and putting some—

Well, we didn't say, you know, any names besides, you know, the bird. Yeah, that's it. I'm not going to say the agency. Yeah, no. But, you know, so when I was in there, I was like, whoa, this guy is really making me feel good about myself, but also shitting all over me. Yeah, it's the modeling business, baby.

You got to be tough. Yeah. And he was like, well, like we have all your pictures. And he was like, you know, taking a picture like this takes huge confidence. And I just looked at him and I was like, yeah, but I was born with it. Damn, dude, you were throwing gems at me. Yeah, man, because I went in there.

The first thing I said, I go, listen, I have a huge audience. Realistically is, what can you guys do for me? Wow. You walked in there and just like, did that? Did that? Yeah. Yeah. I went, because if I go in there, I'm like, yeah, you know, I want to get shots and—

You didn't want to get— Oh, let's do that. No, let's get right down to the nitty gritty. I have an audience. Yeah. I have a fucking sick body, apparently. And I was like, hey, I want to be a model. Yeah.

And he was like, you really want to be a model? And I was like, yeah. You know what you should have said? You said, I don't want to be a model. I am a model. Ooh, I should have, fuck. And then walked out and then walked back then and be like, what do I— How do I—

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how do we make this official? Yeah. Who do I email? Did you sign a paper? Yeah, they make you do that, because if they— Once you get like the work, you know, they put you in like a— A system.

Yeah. So like, they churn you out. They'll probably just send a picture of my fucking junk out a bunch of places. Yeah. And then I'll see if anything hits. Nice. You know, and then he was like, you know, he's like, maybe you should think about like hiring like an agent too, like a regular agent.

I was like, dude, one step at a time. Just get this dick out. Just get this dick out on a billboard. Yeah. I'd like to see you in Times Square. I would love to see a 50-foot billboard of this dick. I would love to see— Even 20.

I'll take 20. 20 foot? I'll take the 20-footer. I think we could make that happen here. We should get a billboard. We could do it. 100%. Yeah.

If they ended up dropping you because, you know, we made a couple of jokes about them, then, you know, what we're going to have to do is buy a billboard then. And we'll put it in like, you know, Delaware, so it's like eight bucks, and we'll just drive the eight hours to see it. If we should put one up in Queens. A billboard of you? Yeah. I don't know if you can get approved.

Yeah, you can, dude. You'll make it— We'll do like a still fat thing or something. Yeah. And if they don't put us up, we could, we could, you know, go after them. Yeah. Interesting. Hey, hey, hey, put that picture of that fat guy up there.

You, you, you fattest? Yeah, exactly. Oh, they're the fat shamers is the term. I like fattest. It sounds, it hits harder. Yeah. Like what? But we could run into a problem.

What if we go to the billboards and we say, yo man, want to put this guy up there and like, I can't. I'm sorry. He's, you know, it's too much nudity or whatever. He's a fat freak. Yeah. Oh, they say that's what they, and then we go, yo, is it because he's fat?

And then he goes, no, that guy's not fat. Now we're back at square one with this problem here. So I think what I have to do is I need to take this next holiday and just fucking destroy it and walk back into Sparrow's office and be like, who's fat now? Give me a fucking plus size deal. Don't throw me in this thing. I'm special.

Yeah. Plus plus. I'm special. Yeah. How many times do I have to tell you Sparrow? Yeah. That I'm fucking special. This guy have a ponytail?

It sounds ponytail-less. No, he didn't, but he just had like a very like Miami tan. Damn, he's rich probably. Yeah, he had super straight laser teeth. Like they just look like they just been worked on all day. He has like that blue thing you put in your mouth at night, that blue light mouth thing. Oh, yes, from Instagram.

Yeah, I think he has one of those. Smelled good. Yeah. Because I hugged him. But uh. You're a hugger. Yeah, I'm a hugger. Um, I didn't hug this man.

It's not because he was gay. I just don't hug strangers. Yeah. So when I walked out of there, I was like, dude, I'm super excited. Call Joe. Three seconds later, got hit by a car. I forgot you got hit by a car.

I'm talking to Danny. He goes, yo, I got it. And I was like, that's awesome. I was like, and then I asked him a question. He didn't answer me. And then the next text was, I just got hit by a car. So I'm looking down on my phone, which you shouldn't be doing when you're crossing the street in New York.

It's a big mistake, rookie mistake. Shouldn't have done it. But I was so fucking excited that I had to tell, I had to tell the crew. You were like Will Smith in the pursuit of happiness. You walk out and you're like. Clapping and crying. And you probably felt so hot because you're like, I'm a model.

Bro. And these fucking peasants walking by me. Don't even know the kind of star I'm about to beat. Dude, there was three people in the waiting room. And I was like, you guys have fucking nothing on me. Yeah. I was hotter than everybody in there. Were you though?

Yes, I was. I was. A compliment. When a gay man tells you that you're handsome, you're fucking handsome. I don't care what you say. You're on cloud nine. Yeah.

I was like, I'd rather have a gay man tell me that I am a handsome gentleman than the hottest girl I've ever seen. Yeah. Yes. Because it just means more. It just means more. It just means more to me.

It just does. Yeah. And then, yeah. So I was crossing the street. I was on my phone. I was talking to Joe for a little bit. Via text. And I was like, oh, my lift's here.

But as I'm going to my lift, I'm looking down and the car was making a left turn. And it hit my right leg and I spun and I fell. Dude, was it going fast? No, it was going like, how fast can you make a turn? Eight miles an hour. But it's a fucking 3,000 pound machine. It's going to throw me because I'm not plus size.

And then. It tossed you a little twink-ass. So it tossed me. And I did like the little whiplash and I fell onto the street. Did you hit your head in the ground? I did not hit my head on the ground. I fell forward.

Because you know how Jonah Hill gets hit in super bad? That's kind of what it was like. You got hit like that? Yeah, but then the people around, because there's mad people around, they're sitting like, oh, my god, you all right? And I'm like, yo, dude, I'm fine. Like, I'm perfectly fine.

The guy gets out. He's like, oh, my god. Well, and then I was like, dude, it was my fault. I walked in the middle of the street. Shouldn't have done it. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

He was like, god. You know, he was kind of like, are you OK? But then it kind of was like, oh, like, what were you doing? Yeah. Don't do good. I hate when they do that. Just make sure I'm OK.

Don't ask me what I'm doing. Yeah. I just told you I'm fine. Let it go. Fuck you. Yeah. You know? And then I was like, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine. And then I got on my lift and the adrenaline wore off. And I was like, my leg hurts. Oh, you started dealing with this stuff. Yeah. I was like, my leg kind of hurts. But thankfully, I'm OK. You're good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got no nicks, no bruises, just a little fucking. Actually, my back was hurting. I feel fine. I got hit by a car. And my back got better. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, because Danny was in bad shape.

He couldn't even stand the other guy. Yeah. I had to drag him, like, literally across the floor to get to his chair over there. Yeah. And then you got hit by a car. And now you're good. Who the fuck needs a chiropractor?

Saved me like 10 grand. But I honestly could have made money off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could have. Probably not, though. You stepped down to the street. Yeah, it was totally my fault. I felt bad because this poor guy looked like

he was just having a shit day already. And I was like, dude, don't worry about him finding my cars right here. Because now I have two minutes before my car departs. I can't stay here and talk, fill out a police report. I got to go home. Yeah. I got to share this business with my friends and family.

Yeah. Right. You know, I really hope they call me. Who? Like, I really hope I get something in three to six weeks. Oh, I do, too. Because if I get something, I know I'm going to knock it out of the park. I know I'm going to kill it.

It's just that it's the anticipation job. Can you imagine? It's like, dude, we're doing Calvin Klein. Yeah, that would be insane. It would be insane. That's a little bit shoot for the stars. Shoot for the moon. I'd say it's a lot of bit.

I'm down to shoot for the moon, but I'm cool-handed amongst those stars. Damn, I've read that in a fifth grade classroom before. For sure. For sure. I'm down. I'll cruise the stars. I'll go from star to star.

Yeah. This is all bulletin board material. Yeah. That's all I want to do is just I just want to make my imprint, you know, and I want it to be a plus size one. Yeah. It's going to be big. That's all.

He said my shoulders were big. I have big traps and stuff. Yeah. And he was like, you know, it's like you're kind of muscular. And then he was like, if you lost weight, you could be like a, he didn't say a real model, but like a model, model. So I was like, yo, dude, can we work on one thing here? Yeah.

Let me be fat. And now I'm not fat enough. You piece of fucking shit. So you're just like a shmedium. No, I'm fat. Yeah. I mean, I fucking disrespect me. No, no, I would, I'd say you're fat.

I'd say that. Thank you. Fucking sparrow. Motherfucker got me. I would say you're fat. Thank you. Yeah. Please.

Somebody say it. God damn it. Someone. So yeah. But yeah, I'm a legitimate model. I'm looking for work. Um, if anyone's watching. He's a freelance right now, I guess.

Yeah. Probably after this. Yeah. Probably. Yeah, but yeah, but I've made it in the model world. I'm here. I'm out there. Pictures are out there.

I'm ready to fucking go, dude. Yeah. Did you take any headshots there or anything? Nope. He said we don't need them. We got enough from my Instagram. But what they said was. The modeling world has changed.

Well, yeah. What they did, the thing was is like, I thought it would be a lot more intimidating, but it wasn't. Because you took control of the room. Yeah. You walked in there like, here's what's going to happen. I refuse to take no for an answer. Like he kept reiterating like you really want to be a plus size model. Yeah.

I had to say it like five times. Guy doesn't fucking believe in me, bro. I got my own dreams and shit. I want to be fat on top of a billboard. I want to be fat in a magazine. I want to be fat on top of fucking strippers. What? Minus that part.

We'll edit that part out, but you know what I'm saying. On top of him. Yeah. I don't want to have sex with him. I just want to lay upon him like job of the hut. You want to just lay on women? Yeah. I just want to lay on women.

This has been so ridiculous. Yeah. It's been pretty ridiculous. It's been, it's been, it's been something. You think you could model? You could model for sure. No, no, no. Yes.

Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe, maybe, maybe one day, but no. You don't believe in yourself? I don't believe in myself. Ah, come on.

I got no confidence. Come on. Come on. If I could do it, you could do it. I'm in a different arena. I'm in a different division. Yeah. You're in a different division.

You know what I mean? But you still got it. You got the look. I would have to work my way up from the miners. Well, I gotta start somewhere, baby. I, I really. I come from very humble beginnings. Yeah.

I couldn't, I couldn't. There was one time I did a photo shoot. Man, was that weird. Those are those pictures where you're like looking down and then like over here and you're like up here. Were you under a bridge or something? Like under the train station? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you were, right? Why do they, why do they make you do that so much? Like just look at the floor. Because it's mysterious and sexy. I want to stare in your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need all that nonsense. I want to look at you get fucking sexy.

No, but so. No, but the photo shoot is just so weird because you just stand there. Yeah. And then people just are taking pictures of you and you're supposed to just like continue to pose. Was there music? Yeah, but it doesn't like help.

You don't dance. No, but I think music would help me get in the mood to like keep taking pictures. I guess I just like, I find it so weird and especially because there's so many people just watching you. Well, I mean, when you're not in the business, you know, you are going to feel that way. But I understand you can learn to like it.

I know. I knew you need to show me the ropes. I guess that's what the thing is. I got you. I'll take care of you. Yeah. Yeah. I'll bring you around.

Once you see this, once you see the world we live in, you're really going to be like, you're going to get a hankering for it. Oh, you're already like, you're in it. You have a bunch of model friends now? Yeah, in my mind. Yeah. Do I have model friends?

Yeah, I do. I have friends that are models. Okay. Male. Male models. Yeah. Nice. Some female.

I know. I know one male model. Yeah. Yeah, it's dude. I forget his name, man, but he's like, he's famous on social media. Guys are rocket. Guys are straight rock.

Good for him. Yeah, man. Sometimes you see him and you're like, oh, damn, man, you think you're good looking and you see people like that and you go, man, this is, I really got to get it together. Yeah. That's usually every day I walk out of my house.

But not that day. Not that day. No one was shaking my fucking, my shake right there. Sorry. I don't make it so much noise. Are you able to get out of that if you wanted to? Yeah. Nope.

Can't. I don't think I can get out. Oh, so now, all right. Now we're working. You look like Iron Man. Your body has to be sweating in there. Oh, I am drenched. I am fucking soaked.

You know what? You know when that perfect bead of sweat runs down your spine, splits your cheeks like a goddamn 45-yard field goal and just drops into your asshole? Yeah. That's what just happened to me. Yeah.

As soon as I did that, split the uprights. You just, you just felt it just slide all the way down. Oh, and it just went, scoop. Like the cliff diver at Splish Splash. It just went right in there. No splash. No splash.

Clean. Whoa. Yeah. There was a popping. No, no, no, no. Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. By the way, I just wanted to,

because I just want to get back to, you know, the ham thing. You guys use ham on Christmas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This show is an official unless we talk about ham. I also just wanted to say that I looked up ham the other day.

Mm-hmm. Man, is that bad for you. Oh, yeah. Not great. Not, not a great nutritious meal. Do you know the facts? I know that it's full of salt. Dude.

I believe. Cup of ham. What is a cup anyway? A cup. I'm just going to repeat what you said. Um, yeah, so a cup of ham. Oh, okay. A cup of ham.

How many calories? 350. 186. Okay, not bad. Not bad. I thought because it was high in fat, maybe you had fat content. How much?

There's 1300 milligrams of sodium. In a cup? In a cup of ham. Jesus. 1300. Are we supposed to have like 2000 a day? Daily sodium intake. How far?

2300. How far into the show are we? Right now. 56 minutes. All right, I got to take this off. Yeah. Uh, you know what? I'm going to tough it out.

Christmas spirit. Fuck you guys. The American Heart Association recommends no more than 2300 milligrams a day and moving toward an ideal limit of no more than 1500 per day for most adults. So a cup of ham and you're 13. American Heart Association fucking suck this mop right here.

Dude. Shmop this top. You know how much sodium I'm going to have in my body on Christmas? Oh my God. I could eat an entire ham if I needed to. Do you guys get cool stuff though? Like do you guys do like crab cakes?

Like something that's really good but out the box? We don't do crab cakes. We do crab cakes. I eat like 70 of them. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. I love fucking crab cakes, dude.

I would crush a crab cake right now. I just hate when you go to crab, get a crab cake somewhere. You never know what size it's going to be. And I always hate asking people what the size is. I'm like, oh, is it one? Oh, it's a crab cake. I'm like, how big are they this big?

Or do they look like this? Do you have one of these? And then it's like the person gives me some fucking circle with their hand. It doesn't even look like that when it gets there. It's $29. I can't relate to any of this. You've never asked somebody like about a portion?

A crab cake? What's going on over there? Oh, I'm stretching my legs out. I'm comfy. Oh, OK. Yeah, so you try that. Oh, I almost kicked over a candle. That's nice, right?

Yeah, it is. Oh. Oh, we're playing footsie, dude. Yeah, we are. All right, let's see who wins, though. Damn it. Damn it. Yeah, very powerful feed.

Yeah. Damn, that was my first footsie in years. I haven't played footsie in a while. I used to, you know what I used to do? I used to lay on the couch with my sister. And we'd put our feet up against each other. Our feet? Feet, up against each other.

And then we'd just, like, a bike. Oh, that was the best. That was the best. In unison, nothing better. Yeah, we'd just bike together with our feet. I don't know why. And I've done this. I'm 27 now.

I've probably, you know, the last time I did it was 25. Two years ago. I would bring it back this year. I'd bring it back. Fuck not. I'd bring it back. I'd bring it back, for sure. A Christmas morning kind of cycle.

You've never asked somebody at a restaurant like how big a portion was? Not crab cakes, I mean. I don't know this whole, like, crab cake kind of thing. I've done that. You ever ask someone, like, how's your, how's this thing? And they go, it's good. But, like, do they ever go to trash?

Yes. Really? Yes. Yes. Yes. I've had, I've had waiters be like, yeah, I don't get that. Really? Yeah.

And I love when they do that. I've never heard that ever. I love when they do that. They'd be like, nah, you don't want to do that. I've heard waiters be like, you know, should we get this or that? And he goes off this easily. And I'm like, okay.

So clearly this is like a good dish compared to the other. But I've never heard them be like, how's your ribeye? And he goes, it's fucking garbage, actually. Yeah, I've had that. I'm more than one occasion. Do you remember what you were, like, ordering? I remember one time I went to some place,

I don't want to shit in the establishment, but Iran's with Shmimi I Fridays. Okay. Okay. And I was like, hey, it's DJI Fridays. Yeah. So I was like, hey. And it sucks.

Yeah, TGI Fridays is trash. So I was like, yo, should I get the burger or the steak? And he just looks at me and goes, dude, the steaks here are awful. And I was just like, this guy's either quitting tomorrow, or he's just the most brutally honest waiter of all time. And I got a burger and it was also terrible. Yeah.

But it would have been better than the steak because I saw somebody get the steak and he was like, black. It was disgusting. I haven't been to it. You know, I've never eaten at a TGI Fridays. What? Yeah. You've never gone there too for like the cyclone,

like drinks and all that shit? No, man. Man, they have great deals. Yeah. It's because it all costs $2 to make because it's all fake. Yeah. It's all synthetic. It's gross.

Yeah. But you want to know what else is gross? I've also never eaten. Vegan synthetic beef. Just eat vegetables. What are we doing? Yeah. Why?

If you're like vegetarian, just eat vegetables. Yeah. Why are you? Why do you got to have what we have? Get your own. Get your own. Go have a salad. Yeah.

Go have some chickpeas. Bang a fucking couple mushrooms together. Turn it into a fucking burger. Shut the fuck up. You know what I think? You fucking, what's it called? Who? The vegan shit.

Tofu? No, no, no. I actually like tofu. But the beyond shit, the beyond meat. Oh, from like fast food now. That shit is fucking gross. Is it? Yeah.

I haven't tried it. It's disgusting. If you're a vegetarian, eat vegetables. Don't try to be like us. You wanted to get away from us. I don't want your vegan stuff for my other stuff. Yeah. Like here's what I like.

Sorry. I get excited. I know. You're a big plus size guy. And you know, you mean well. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, so, no, but like.

I'm not fat fucking asshole. Idiot. You just made the worst mistake of your life. You just made the worst. In your life, but I'll be back here. I'll be 300. Cauliflower, buffalo wings, they call them. But it's just cauliflower covered in buffalo sauce.

Yeah. Which is fine because you're eating cauliflower. No. But if you made some like fucking artificial looking chicken wing, it's like, it looks like a chicken wing. You're like, oh, but it's not chicken. I'd be like, but it what is. Yeah.

And then it's like, oh, we got a vegan sausages. Get the fuck out of here with that. If you can't handle being a vegan, you need food to look like me. Just don't call it sausage. Just call it fucking just vegan mishmash. Yeah. Vegan sleeves.

Vegan potpourri. Yeah. Fucking vegan slab. Slab of vegan. Slab of vegues. You know, I just don't understand. You guys work so hard to get away from us. Now you want to be just like us.

It sounds oddly racist. I just don't want them in my house. Just get them away from me. Leave us stuff alone. I just don't get it. All that beyond me. And then I also heard this could be wrong, but it's not really that healthy for you.

So it's all a fucking scam. Oh, you're saying fast food isn't healthy. If no, going to Burger King to get a beyond cheese burger. That's just a dumb asshole doing that. You are an asshole. Dude, you're going to Burger King for your healthy food options? Go literally anywhere else. How's that?

I love when people be like, yo, I went to McDonald's, but I got the chicken wrap. I said, you went to McDonald's. Yeah. And it's all bad for you. Yeah. That thing was in a freezer three minutes ago. Yeah.

The lettuce is from 1977. It's gross. It's been frozen like Austin Powers until today. And why is the fucking McFlurry machine always broken? What are they doing in there? How hard is it to make it look like? Is someone just dropping grenades into these machines? Why are they always broken?

It makes no sense. I think they lie. It's ice cream. I think they lie. Why? Because they don't want to make it? Because they don't want to make it. It's probably a pain in the ass to reload the custard.

I don't know what it's called. Milk? I don't know. How do you make ice cream? I always see people doing it on chopped and they have 30 minutes to make ice cream? Who the fuck are you? How can you freeze something like that?

I'm fucking fired up today. Yeah. I think only Jack Frost can do that in that time. All right. That's the thing I hate about chopped too is that they make it look like it's so hard, but they all almost all of them always get their stuff done. Yeah. It's like, you know, this fucking lady is just like putting out a fire over it.

Like she's burnt her fucking 30 seconds. Yeah. And it's like 30 seconds. She's putting out a fire. Her dish comes out amazing. Beautiful. Actually, Allison, we loved it. I'm like, this bitch had a fire going.

Time. Step away from your plates. She puts like a leaf on it. Step away from your plates. Yeah. That shows ridiculous. I know. You're good at cooking.

That's great. How fast can you cook? It's like the fuck we care. And I love that they're like when they make stuff, it's only that takes that like that long of times because the shit they do is like so unnecessary. I'm making a puree sauce and it's like this isn't even going on the dish. It's just like on the plate. Yeah.

As I do, one of the ingredients was shit. Like what are you doing? Yeah, I don't understand. It's like, yeah, I'm going to make, I'm going to make a spare. You can make a puree at anything. Yeah, I'm going to make a sparing a split pea puree. I'm like, I didn't even know you could do that. Yeah.

Also, like they have to food shop. Yeah. What is that? Yeah. I came to your show to be on it. You can't just have the food for me. I got to grab your ingredients. Yeah.

Ready go. And I'm running with a fucking shopping cart now. Like when they get cut on the show, cut, cut. What? When they cut their hands on the show because you can't cook with blood. You're not going to have people eat your blood. Why not? I mean, I would, but they just like cut, cut.

I'm caught. The fucking medical team comes out, wraps them up, puts a glove on them, throws them right back in there. Wow. But you're telling me you cut your finger. You still got enough time to fucking make that mango puree. Get the fuck out of here. The fuck out of here.

I've seen a puree. Come on. The fuck out of here. Fucking do that with me. Bullshit. Yeah. A langoo. They have the children's one too.

They have kids running around being all stressed. Remember that kid that was like whisking that thing? He was like, it's like, oh my fucking god. He was like, oh, fuck. It's like, you know what I hate? Oh my god. This one I hate so much. It's the fucking.

Thank you, chef. It's the widest shit in the world where they have like the cup. They're just making cupcakes. Oh, yeah. And these people are sitting up there in suits, in a studio with lights. And there's 40 people working this show. And you're talking about a cupcake. The subtlety of it is good.

You're talking about a cupcake like we opened up an iPhone and we're talking about the wiring and shit that went into this. The way professional people talk about food is the most obnoxious, pompous, pretentious bullshit. It's so ridiculous. It's good. Just eat it. Just eat it, you old bitch.

It's a cupcake. Eat it. Fatty. I hate that. Just eat it, you fat fuck. All right. I'm not fat anymore. So I could be mean fat people now, I guess.

I don't know. You might get some heat for not being fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. That'd be something. If you got canceled because you said some fat stuff and people... Fat culture canceled me? And then they were like, oh no, because you're not fat.

And you're like, well, and then the world's against you. And then you have to rise up from the ashes and eat your way back to being very fat. So you can be undeniably huge. Everybody loves a good comeback story. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. I don't know, man.

I don't know. I don't know why I went off on that vegan tangent, but I hate that shit. Can't stand it. Yeah. Let us have our sick, disgusting stuff. Yeah. I went to a steakhouse the other night and when you first walk in, they have a meat freezer right next to you.

Oh. It's kind of disgusting to see. Yeah. It's like 300 steaks just hanging. And I'm like, that could be a person. I don't know. I'm a finished product kind of guy. Would love to see it cooked with sauce on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my kind of meat. You know what I hate too? When people cook fish, you don't have to cook fish. Really? You could eat fish raw. That's what sushi is. Yeah.

That's like going out of your way to cook it. Fucking fish stinks. Stinks. Stinks. Yeah. I can't stand that either. I hate cooking fish. And then you got to peel the skin off the salmon.

Then that's got to go away. And then people tell you the omega-3s are in there, but you don't really know. Nobody knows. What is it? What the fuck is an omega-3? I don't know. That's a Greek letter.

They're good for your heart, apparently. Yeah. Yeah. I would have known. Also, fish oil pills. You ever take those? Yeah, they're disgusting. Dude, you take fish oil pills two days later?

You smell like a fish. Yeah. And you ever burp like a vitamin? Don't even. I could throw up if I could take a thing of that. I farted once. Burping up a pill is horrendous. Dude, one time I took a bunch of fish oils

and I farted and it literally smelled like low tide. I was like, oh my god. It smells like a marina in this room now. What are we talking about something? Like a probiotic? Yeah. Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Bless you. That's a little strange. But we were talking about it when South Park did that. Oh. Okay. I almost snapped my neck just now. When South Park just did that episode of fecal transplants and you told me it's true.

Yeah. If you have like the bacteria in your gut. Yeah. Is if you pay attention to the bacteria in your gut, which I can't butch it has like probiotics. Which are like, I just could be wrong, but like to my knowledge. Living organisms and they're like, it's good for your gut because it could fix like digestive problems and all these things.

And that stuff lives in your feces as well. So what they do is- So we shit out little people. I guess. But if you have a lot of stomach issues, you can get a fecal transplant and they take someone else's shit and they put it into your colon. So that you can get those organisms that are like, it's basically like a like an ass vaccine.

Like you know how a vaccine, they give you some of this stuff so it can fight. Yeah. That's basically what they're doing. They're putting my shit in your ass so that you, so we could fight the same fight. We join forces. We join forces.

That's one of the most disgusting things. And who the fuck came up with this? Put his poop in them. Because that would be something that we would say on this show and people would laugh at us. I feel like it does make sense though because I feel, I don't think it's that crazy because I feel like obviously you- It's obviously not, people are doing it.

No, but I'm saying you put shit under a microscope, right? Like figuratively or literally? No, no, no, you do it. You know, no, it's not like, you know, shit's better washed its back. It's under a microscope. It's dealing with all the fame. No, but you put, if someone shits, you know,

when you invent the microscope, you go, let's just look at everything. And like poop's one of those things. Let's see what's in this poop, you know? So you look at poop, you realize, oh, there's living organisms in here. There's stuff moving around. Right, right, right.

And then you either do some more research and then you find out like, oh, these things are what are in our gut and they help with the digestive system, enzymes, all kinds of words that I don't really know what I'm talking about right now. Yeah, I don't know what an enzyme is. So if someone has issues,

but someone has a good digestive system, you can go, look, I'll take this poop and I'll put it in his poop and then we'll just make this Optimus Prime poop. So how do they, so they just like put them in, you know those blood things that spin really fast for like blood tests? Yeah.

Do they put your duty in there and then shoot it up your butt? I mean, I haven't had this done, so I don't really know. Oh. But I assume it's not like, you know, you take up actual shit and you jam it in someone's ass. I just thought it was like one of South Park's silly ideas and then once you said it was true,

I was like, holy fuck. No, I'll Google it. We'll go, fecal transplant. How much are they? I mean. Are they FDA approved? Probably. Poop?

Yo, what's up? I have to have somebody's shit shot into my asshole? Yeah, see, a fecal transplant is when a doctor translates feces from a healthy donor onto another person to restore the balance of bacteria in their gut. What? Yes.

Fecal transplants may help treat gastrointestinal infections and other conditions. Shit in me. Yeah, dude. So if someone's shit in you, they're doing you a favor. Wow. A healthy person's shit. If someone's shit's on you, that doesn't help.

No. But if they shit in you, you find some way to put it up your butt, you're good. It doesn't even cost that much. How much is it to get your fucking ass shit in? 600 to 1,000. I'm in. Hey, dude, I'll take a couple of shits.

Do you get to pick your shit? I think they picked their shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. They have a very specific vetting process with the pool. I'm picking who shit goes in me. I don't think so. Yeah. I'd like to see this shit.

Yeah, so yeah. In some cases, the antibiotics that treat infections in the gut also kill off helpful bacteria. For example, almost 20% of people who take antibiotics for some word I don't know. Spinal diff here. Let's go with that. A common bacterial stomach infection

that causes diarrhea developed the condition again. So it's not, you know, if you take some pills, it could kill the healthy bacteria. And now putting shit in you. It just makes you more dirty. Just makes you, yeah. But just the right amount of dirty. Rough and rowdy.

That's how I like it. The right amount of dirty. Just the perfect amount of dirty. Yeah, fecal transplants originated in ancient Chinese medicine more than 1700 years ago. So they've been, the Chinese have been planting poop into butts for years. I thought this was like a new 21st century type of thing.

No, man. The Chinese have been, have been onto it. Boof and shit. Yeah, they're putting poop up there. And they're, they're, they're doing it in the past. And they live forever. Yeah. So they're probably switching poop like every holiday,

probably every couple of months. They go to poop in them. In the past. Best it's someone, you know, it's such a lack of professionalism. It's disrespectful. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Go on.

I'm sorry. It's okay. In the past, this procedure involved drinking a liquid suspension of another person's feces. Whoa. Drank their liquid shit. Yeah. Wow.

That's disgusting. A highly risky technique to say the least. Yeah. Drinking poop, sucky. Yo, you couldn't pay me to drink someone's shit. Today's fecal transplants are sterile and safe. And there is a growing body of research to support their use. This is white people's shit though.

I mean, oh, so like C. diff. C. diff kills 15,000 people a year. So you know what C. diff is? That was also in that episode. No. I think that's why I said spina diffia. No. It's like severe colon inflammation.

And like it's yeah, it's a lot of shit. It's like it's fucked up, but it kills people. Like it's that bad. I guess. Yeah. If it's the same, I mean like the actual thing I'm okay with, I'm okay with, but I'm not drinking shit. In a small scale 2014 trial,

70% of the participants had no system symptoms after one fecal transplant treatment. One? Yeah. One poop and then it fixed their C. diff. It's crazy. Wow. Magic shit. The overall cure rate was 90% among those who went underwent multiple treatments.

90%. The participants also had fewer bowel movements and ranked their overall health more highly following treatment. That's unbelievable. Yeah. So. I'm fucking blown away by this. Yeah.

Like recycled poop helps the body, man. Yeah. It's the bacteria, man. Like think about it. Like think about like all the nutrients and all the things that go into your, into a healthy person's body, right? Yeah. Who doesn't eat like these meats, no fast food, you know, grains or whatever the fuck you believe.

Yeah, clean, clean stuff. And their gut and the way that their body works is because of these fucking. Nutrients. These bacteria. Yeah, the bacteria. And then if you plant that into your body, it like changes the way your body breaks things down or it does it more efficiently or whatever.

And it just. Can we watch one right after this? I don't know if you can. I wonder if they have them on YouTube. They have to. Do you think they show? Yeah. You don't show butts.

Yeah. I wonder if they put you to sleep to do it. Like how far up your asshole do they have to go? I don't know, man. I wonder if they have it. Let me see. I didn't know Cedoph was that bad. No, there's no butts.

They have like, you know, they have little. Treating. Bustering. Dope. Sorry. Yeah, man. Yeah, man, they've been just pooping you. That's I mean, that's.

That's pretty dope. It's pretty dope. It's kind of sick, but. Yeah, it's a sick practice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Chinese are willing to get down and dirty to fix that butt. No, how many are there's like a 50 billion of them. So.

Yeah. Everyone's fucking just boofing shit. Yeah. I think we can wrap this up. Yeah. Well, Merry Christmas. Merry Merry Christmas, guys. Danny, where can they find you?

You could find me at Daniela Priori on Instagram and Twitter. Go check out the stank podcast. Okay, this month we are giving away a PlayStation for an Xbox one or Nintendo switch. All right, so you can go to patreon.com slash the stank podcast, enter to win that as well and also check the stank out on YouTube and watch us talk about movies, comic books, video games. Shout out, Frankie.

Guys, like I said, go check out the Patreon. We have revamped the way it's going to look. We're going to have some more guests on there. Not going to tell you who, but we have some cool people that are going to be on the show. And you get to see me and Danny in a new element. They're kind of interviewing and grilling people. Yeah. You know what I mean?

We also have a set of 10 questions that we are going to ask every every guest to kind of get to know them a little better. I like that. Yeah. Also, go follow the show at the base me yard on Instagram and go follow at San Diego Studios and the YouTube channel, San Diego Studios for more content. And that is all.

See you guys next time. Merry Christmas and a happy new year.