The Basement Yard - #235 - The Karate Kids

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

On this episode, we talk about quarantine life and weird kids who always did karate in gym class. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guys go check out our patreon where you can get our daily morning show and next week's episode today How's it going Danny? I'm still in my apartment. Yep. We all are dog. That's true. That's true. I'm a little afraid Yeah, I know it's a little crazy. We're still quarantined. Got a bottle of Jose Cuervo back there Like I'm a fucking freshman in high school, but I might have to start killing that Have you drank any hard liquor during this excursion? No, I haven't It's not an excursion. Is it an excursion? It is the antithesis of an excursion. We can't go anywhere If I go to Whole Foods, that's considered an excursion

Kind of I guess, but where's there a Whole Foods around here? You probably have to go to like Brooklyn or something Yeah, why is Queen so anti Whole Foods? I don't know. I thought you might just be poor As he drinks Pellow Green Hope Oh My god, Pellegrino is the greatest seltzer on earth I mean, I don't know the market. So I'm not gonna like confirm nor deny Well, I know the market and it's fantastic. I know you Pellegrino Oh, Polar Pellegrino polar makes me fart like you would not believe though fills me up with air

All right, I'm gonna get right into it We had pot stickers for dinner last night. You had what pot stickers pot stickers Yeah, it's like an Asian dumpling that sticks to the pot and it's like shaped like a little like a little dumpling So it's not stickers No, they're called pot stickers because they stick to the pot Joseph. Okay, I don't I don't know This is my first time and I'm just a vanilla white man. So I don't know about these like What's your Chinese? What's your Chinese food order? I don't know. It is but I don't I don't like I don't like

Chinese food like that. I'm not it's just it all tastes like it's made in the same pot. Oh because it is yeah I don't I don't like that salty taste so I was putting together some patio furniture last night and I was given the question. Hey Do you want a seventh pot sticker and I knew it was a mistake seven? Yeah, seven. How big are these pots? like Two and a half inches long, maybe

Yeah Okay, just just like down there like a brogy a brogy like a pierogi exactly It was exactly like a pierogi and I was like, hey, I was like, hey, you know what? I'll take that seventh one When I tell you that I was farting All through the evening loud ones short ones little poppy ones little wet ones Yes, I had I hit the whole spectrum of Farts, you know, they say like autism's a spectrum you hit for the cycle I hit for the cycle single double triple homerun. Did you just try to compare autism to your farts?

I did compare autism the farts. Yes, okay. I don't know how you can connect the two because They're a little different autism and farting. Yeah, they're both medical issues I get the spectrum where you're trying to say there. Yeah, I just I think you may have gone Off the beaten path with that one though. Were there vitamins called spectrum or were they called something else? I think I don't know Centrum Centrum. Yes, they were huge. Are you afraid to take pills? Are you one of those people that takes pills and makes that weird face like oh?

I take pills like a fucking pussy dude. I got it. I I didn't take a pill I couldn't swallow pills I was one of those people that had to like crush it up and put it in like a glass of orange juice or some shit Which I don't even know if it works at that point, but I couldn't even take Advil Tylenol anything It could it could be the tiniest pill. I couldn't take it, but I didn't take it until Since it was more pandemic content, but when the fucking swine flu was out here, you know I'm saying uh-huh infected the boy I thought I was gonna die if I didn't take Tylenol so I like Forced myself to take it and it took forever almost threw up

But now when I take pills I have to put it in my mouth and just like sit there and be like I'm doing this and then get it down like a snake baby. Yeah Like how a snake eats a rat it gets it in its mouth, and then it's slowly Yeah, that was sexual You know speaking of snakes you haven't watched Tiger King yet, but if you don't watch Tiger King This is for everyone out there. You're fucking missing out. This story is fucking crazy I've been hearing great things about it, and I see just what the guy looks like and I'm like this guy is is

Worth watching. Oh, he's so entertaining huge piece of shit a nice Every everybody on that show is pretty much a piece of shit like for the earth their piece of shit That guy just looks like he asked his parents for money and hasn't paid them back. You know Is that accurate I haven't watched it yet. I haven't even seen the preview. I didn't want to like I wanted to go into it fresh and get Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you want to go in there I did see a meme and it mentioned meth and I was like damn this is gonna get meth like there's gonna be meth in it So I just like I was like I'm out. I gotta I gotta just watch this fresh

I'll watch anything with meth content. That's exactly what I'm gonna do dude Do you know how many times I've gone on the internet and just googled before and after meth pictures? It just oh, yeah, so much entertainment for me And I know that's not nice because it's meth and it's not great But just seeing like oh man this dude was hot and now it's like now he's got a hole in his cheek But oh, what's what's not nice laughing at people for smoking meth? I think it's hilarious No, I mean, you know addiction and you know, whatever but Get over it. I

Mean we're heating up. Why don't you start heating up spoons? I think we can start making a little bit of a joke here Yeah, yeah, once you start holding a fire to a spoon might be time to call off the dogs Yeah, you know, why don't you start selling light bulbs or whatever to like you just rub your nipple? No, I itched it, but I'll rub it for you if you need me. Damn, dude. That's a fire sweatshirt, by the way Oh, yeah, by the way these sweatshirts My son is on it the sweatshirts are finally Available for purchase go to the Santa gala store.com get your fucking limited edition dusty pink hoodies They're on sale get them shits. Haha

So definitely definitely go get these you know I'm saying they're clean. They're actually very warm, too I'm getting hot. I don't know if it's the lights or if it's you know the hoodie But I'm sweating in here the boys getting wet. Do you get sad when you walk in your apartment now sad? Yeah, why cuz it's just like there's nothing going on in there Yeah, it's like that last episode of fucking fresh parents. You're like 100% Took it took it right out of my mouth. I mean, no, this is when I walk into my apartment. It's usually like No, no, I mean I Don't really spend a lot of time here

I come here during the day and then I go to my mom's and just kind of hang and Do now it's now. It's actually like an office. It's like an actual office now Basically, and it's completely fucked up right now, and I just don't have it in me to clean it yet But like this this room is the most fucked up It's ever been because I have like a weird makeshift way of recording this Yes, so everything is just fucked and like one of these drawers is open and I'm like, it's just you know, I just I don't know Are you eating? Huh? Are you eating clean? Am I eating clean? I tried the I'm trying to eat cleaner, but I just had this yeah, no one's eating clean

No, I need clean Yeah, I'm actually my mom also making dinner so like and there's like broccoli involved so like I'm getting you know Whatever, but when you're just sitting in your house and you get bored. You're like, well, I'm just gonna have another fucking ice cream sandwich then So I've been eating a Nutella dipped peanut butter pretzels You can't see it, but I am I could see it. I'm clicking my Clip right now to that that is amazing. Yeah, you know what I was thinking about how many people are gonna have quarantine children now Yeah, there's a whole bunch a whole mess of sex probably happening as we're speaking right now How many people do you think are fucking like right now during the quarantine?

They're like yo 346 in the afternoon on a fucking Wednesday, but we're working from home you're on zoom I wouldn't be under the desk and I'm gonna give you one of these I'm just kidding like you know You know I'm saying give you the old hi, you know the old high school push. You know I'm saying give me the old Voldemort Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me the old like you know give you the squirrel dick the squirrel dick the old floppy little floppy flag Yeah, you know how many like Off-screen belowges have been going on like via zoom like oh I have a conference call and then someone's like ooh And then they're gonna like you know I'm saying do you see like that woman that was on a conference call?

And she took it into the bathroom and put her laptop down Shit No, she might have been peeing or shitting but her entire job saw her sitting on the toilet Oh, I thought I was gonna say just like the laptop fell and you saw like bush. No, no, no, no, no I'll tell you this though quarantine is bad for pubes Because you know people aren't taking care of their pubes. They're in quarantine. I'm not I actually made it a thing to do it today I was like I'm gonna take care of this yo me too. Yeah, I said it last night. I looked at my pubes and I was like guys We got to go

Yeah, this is all this all this is over you got them all in the same room in your guys We have to have a talk. Yeah, it was it was an intervention for my pubes. Yeah, and I was like you guys got to go This is this is the custing no I don't I completely understand and I actually like I said I I carved out a piece of my afternoon to to you know hack away at this thing you did it already no No, I haven't yet. So I'm you know, I'm fully I'm feeling puked at the moment fully puked but shortly after this after we hang up I'm going to go in there and I'm gonna you know, how long how long we talking though like give me like give me some inches

Inches you probably have inches you're not a close to the to the skin type of scaper. Yeah, I am you're not as close as me Yeah, I mean you're over there using like straight razors like you're shaving in prison. Oh, I'm sorry. I want a nice clear View of my wiener. Yeah Yeah, but I'm not listen. I don't have Fucking you're talking about inches like I got four inch pews like what a what am I? I'm not saying you have four inch pews, but I feel like you could let your pubes get a little crazy sometimes No, no, no, no, no, I feel like you don't mind. Oh, no, you do. No, I don't have a long puke. Listen You're my pews, dude. I'm not I think you have long pews right now. I have

Relatively long pews because I've been quarantined and I like to go get them taken care of professionally What? Yeah, wait, wait, you make some little Asian woman chuck away at your dick am I back wait wait what? Who shaves your pews? You don't just get waxed all the time. Yeah, I know I don't know What you do is is you trim first then they they clean up the remains. They're like the vultures. They come in and get your shit Danny wait hold on No, no the last time you did it on your own Not think about it not counting today probably like two months three months ago

I go like every three weeks. You haven't you so now you're past. This is how bougie Danny is He hasn't even shaved his own pubes in two months Can't give this kid anybody I Buzz them initially and then the people at European wax They get in there, but it's appointment only so you have to go in there And they do what they got to do and they yearn P at European wax it everywhere BH BH

You have a wax on us not right now. That's the Amazon forest. No, I mean, I yeah, I believe that yeah Yeah, I don't know for why but like God was like, hey, we're gonna make your butt hair grow super fast My I don't have whole hair. Yes, you do. No, I don't I mean, it's it's very Minimal and I've never shaved it. I've never shaved my ass ever You can't Grundy's a different story Grundy is is it's a piece? Yeah, it's a swamp. It's a swamp. It's a swamp a man's grundle is a swamp There's way more testosterone in my grundle than the rest of my body. That's what I'll say

I will say this about the grundle though. It's at least it's accessible to clean up a butthole It's like you can't do butthole clean up. Yeah, I gotta like dive through my legs and like Also, I can't see what we got to set up two mirrors and try to make it like I'm fucking shaving my ass in a clown house Yeah, it's like I'm at a carnival with the fucking Hall of Mirrors trying to clean my fucking ass How do you have to go to the Hall of Mirrors to get a good enough view of my asshole? Seriously, it's impossible dude I think everybody

Is it just because they they they closed non-essential businesses like people would be going out and getting haircuts But now we're forced when everybody comes out of their house. We're going to look like fucking shit Yeah, dude, and I already don't look like amazing because it's like I got my winter skin So I'm not really like not that I'm like a snake not that I'm gonna shed anything But I'm gonna like be if I was tan I could probably get away with it and be like Oh, I'm going for like a european look, but when you just have a fucked up head and and pale skin You don't look great, dude And I gotta do a show I gotta be on this thing

So I'm gonna start wearing hoods hats. You're only gonna be able to see my eyes The only thing I'm afraid of is that I'm gonna get that weird beard that grows over your lips Like that mustache that like hangs over your lips and it's gross Yeah, I don't want to say any names Keith looks like he's been through nine quarantines Keith looks like lieutenant dan On new year's eve fucking Keith looking like garrison eason shit Look Yeah, did you see uh Trump walk away from the woman who was like I had a mild fever last night. He was like

Oh, okay That guy's a fucking character, man I'm I'm getting to the point where it's like the quarantine Is gonna be secondary news at some point and it's just gonna be like, all right. What do we talk about now? Yeah, I think eventually we'll get back to that, but I think this is only week two, right? We're on week two now I don't even know what day it is and I'm being honest with you. I don't know what day it is. It's Wednesday

Don't know what the date is. I'm looking down. It's a 25th. I have no idea what number day it is Yeah, the other day I was looking at expiration dates on stuff in my mother's fridge and it said like april something and I was like I don't even know what month it is right now. That's what I'm scared of. It's like a part of me is like, yo like If I can't keep track of what day it is, how am I gonna keep track of like life? I can't what does that mean? Like bills and shit like I don't understand like I don't know man. Oh, this is confusing. You don't pay bills. I don't pay

Anyone listening out there. I'm not getting paid right now Oh, here we go I'm not getting paid. Yes, you are all my assets have been frozen. First of all, you and josh are getting paid I haven't even talked to josh in like five days. Yeah, josh is getting paid to stay home. I'm working at least Okay, he's right Look, he started all this. He started all this anyway He was the original sick one That's true. No, you too. You guys are sick on the same kind of day. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, it's okay I think we're all good though. I think we're all uh, I wouldn't say that What do you mean? I don't know. Aren't they saying like 70% of the fucking country is gonna get this shit Yeah, but you can't get it if you're staying home What do you tell I'm looking up what the percentage. I thought I saw somebody said that canada was gonna get like 80 percent of their people were gonna get it. What I don't even think they have a lot of cases

Uh, I'm just I'm trying to that's why I'm trying to be a little more fact-checker in this uh I think the prime mini has it up there. You know who else has it Did you see I I don't know there's tons of people Greta Thunberg Yeah, how dare you How dare you give me coronavirus. Yeah, I think you You should be ashamed of yourself in a way I feel like coronavirus is helping climate change because nobody's using cars as much

The factories are all shut down Dolphins and shit. Yeah, I saw I saw a dolphin in my bathtub So things are getting it's getting cleaner, dude Maybe hold on you're about to say something so dumb because whenever you do that whenever you go There's like there's a thought that comes out No, what I what I was gonna think was what I was gonna what I was gonna think what I was gonna say A yearly quarantine once a year Not a yearly a quarantine, but maybe like every couple of years us as people we just quarantine ourselves for a couple months

I'm like, maybe we could save the environment that way And what just keep shitting on the economy Economist hanging on by a thread dude such such an economy guy Did you see the relief package that was proposed they said six trillion dollars Yeah, it's better than spending on that than like fucking Missiles and shit that we're not gonna use but not but dude six trillion the federal reserve's just gonna print that From not like What at that point like what is money? What happened to paying for things in gold bars?

That was cooler those times are cooler where you could just pay for things with gold Or you could buy a whole bunch of things with like shillings or like yeah I just want to throw coins on the fucking cat. Here you go. But ding And I want to I want to buy an entire house with a bag of coins. That's all I want to do Dude, I want to go back to those times where you just had like a tiny burlap sack And you tell a guy like how much for that horse and he goes it's not for sale and you just go Oh, yeah, and he goes horse is yours. Oh my god And you drop it into his hand. Yeah, and he's just cut saying and he's like take my wife as well

Yeah, and he just looks and he goes all right We've got ourselves deal now you're speaking my language I didn't say I love the horse. So yo, I would I would love Also, yo, I would love to rob a train Dude And just be like hold on midnight and then jump off the horse and get onto the train Scare everyone with a gun and then take and then just like put a whole safe Like in a cart or some shit. You know what I'm saying?

I want to know who the first person to ever ride a horse was To be like, you know what? You know, we'll be sick if I rode this thing. I'm gonna get on that I'm I'm gonna climb on that and think about all the animals that people tried to ride You know, someone's like, I'm gonna ride this dog and just snapped its fucking back I'm gonna say they couldn't have gotten lucky and just been like, you know the horse One and done, you know, somebody tried to ride a turtle Somebody tried to ride a bird like people tried to do this shit, you know

Somebody jumped off the mountain Holding onto the legs of a bird. Yes thinking that they could fly that's happened And then the bird snapped like an umbrella and they both died Yeah, or if it was like the looney tunes were like it worked for two seconds and then they like plummeted to their death Exactly. I always think about the trial and error of like It's kind of a simple shit, but like even like planes like Think about how many people had to die or get injured for us to have like commercial airlines Dude, the right brothers

They In kitty hawk, north carolina the right brothers, right? This is where this guy knows everything. I know I know about it. Doug for some reason, right kitty hawk, north carolina the right brothers somehow survived trial and error of planes And built weird looking shit like paper plane looking shit. Yeah, it looked like uh, like like those uh, those like tie candle bulbs that they released like off the beach That's what the right brothers plane looked like it looked like it's something that you did for When somebody dies and everyone's all dressed in white on a beach in thailand

You light a candle and it lifts off into the air. Whatever that is an asian balloon My my thing is like how did like the first commercial airliner that they were like Now we can go anywhere in the world Who the fuck was like who the fuck was like I I'd like to pay for that I'd be like do I like getting in there? Look what happened with the titanic? Right, I'm not getting on a plane. At least I have a shot in water. At least I have a shot I mean pretty cold water

I would have lived through the titanic easily 100% Why One because I probably couldn't I probably could have afforded a higher level of the of the boat So you wouldn't you wouldn't have down there at leo I wouldn't have to hold my spouse in a fetal position and kiss her while we're about to drown Which is the saddest part of that entire movie. Uh I wouldn't billy zane it like I wouldn't sneak my way onto a boat, but I would find a boat I would find a boat

I might I might steal a child and get on a boat. I have a child If anyone Is gonna tell me right now that it depends your life dependent on it and you wouldn't take a child and say that it was yours You're fucking lying and your girlfriend just cheated on you with a fucking basically homeless guy. Yeah, I'm hot He's a hot homeless guy. He's a hot homeless guy, but he's a fucking vagabond And he's got a he's got a flair for art for art. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a flair for art And he's teaching you how to spit off the side of a boat. Yeah, I'm getting the fuck off that boat too I hope you don't this is the guy I lost my girl to a homeless man who spits and draws

Come on. I might steal a baby and get on a fucking boat then, you know, I'm getting Me and uh, what was her name, uh rose Dawson Not rose Dawson. Uh, the the other woman that's in it. Kathy Bates. Oh, yeah Me and Kathy Bates would have gone on that shit that guy sons her on the escape boat He's like, if you don't shut that hole in your face. She was like, damn, all right She didn't know what to say. She was like, yeah, you're right How do you feel when someone tells you like yo shut up

For like for serious for like for real like y'all like shut up My immediate reaction is shut the fuck up Right and and then just becomes a shut up match. Yes, but you shut the fuck up And then I'll be like, yo seriously shut the fuck up Yeah, it goes from yo shut the fuck up to yo seriously shut the fuck up Yeah, and then it's like why don't they have to progress though? Yeah, shut up higher and higher the shut up is like yo shut up and then it's like yo seriously shut up And then you have to like plan out like the next five minutes like if you don't shut up

Then i'm gonna stand up And i'm gonna shut you up. Yeah, if like if you don't shut up right now like i'm gonna make you shut up Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, like I don't know that's the same like I always tell that story where the kid came up to me and he was just like Fuck you and I went no Yeah Lost that one, dude. Definitely lost that one. I just feel if people come up to you and have the

How do you feel about being shushed? Oh Dude when I went to Hamilton being being shushed I hate it Boils my dick so hard. Yeah, it does that my eyes turn Fucking red and I want to rip everyone's throat through their asshole if we're not in a library or a church

Then don't shush me. Don't shush me. Shush me in church Shush me the lord's like, you know, there's a lot of whole there's stuff in the air I should shush for sure And if we're in a library understand people are trying to read and you know, you're trying to You know, I'm not enough in libraries. I feel like a lot of people are on webcam showing their pussies to people What is that genre of porn? People love library porn. I don't know what it is. It's like girls in the library like showing off their tits and like taking out like Charles Dickens and shit. Like what what what who is this for? It's just for like nerdy

voyeur dudes, what is this? And when did like librarians become like hot librarian? Yeah, and it's like, dude I've never seen a hot librarian In my life, I'll go I've never seen a librarian under the age of 110 Yeah, if you're a librarian and you're 20, like your career is not going well, like what's going on with you Who is a library? Can is there even

schooling for that? Like, oh, what's your major? A librarian? It's a dude. It's a it's a number system Anyone can do that. It's a dewy. It's the dewy day Is it the dewy decimal system? It is it is it is How complicated is that shit? It's not I think it's just counting. It's like Why decimals one to one to a thousand? Let's just I'll tell you you want to know who had it right fiction. That's who had it right What do you mean? We don't do this. They don't use the dewy decimal system for fiction books. I don't know

I haven't been in the library since maybe 2008. I think non-fiction books use the dewy decimal system but Fiction books just use alphabetical order of the author Now we're talking. I think I think I know what I'm talking about. That's a good system. Yeah That's a good system back to the shushing though I hate the after look of a shush if it's like I'm like, you know, don't don't after shush me too with this fucking stupid ass like disgusted face I'm talking. I'm not killing somebody's daughter in front of you. I'm talking during a during a play

Relax. I also would rather be shushed when it's just your lips. Just like shh But if you do this now, I'm like, what am I fucking a toddler? Oh I'm like, oh fush. I respect that Fucking fush fush fush you mother fusher. Yeah, yeah, exactly But uh, uh, at least I like the people I do respect people that turn around and shush I hate the pussy face forward shusher Or that like, yeah

Show yourself you shusher stand up show your face show your face you shusher when I went to hamilton There was three older white women sitting next to me and in my head I made the joke of like these women are gonna be the whitest people in the world Lo and behold as soon as the lights went down People were still getting to their seats this woman Let out a shush so fucking powerful that I felt some of the mist Hit my ear and she was like And I was like getting sprayed and I was afraid to look and I was like, oh

Like dude, it was insane And I was like so white If you shush me I'm going harder Yeah, you are you're one of those I'm gonna go out. Yeah, I'm petty as shit. I'm one of the pettiest people on earth I would say only like 20% of the time when I get shushed I'll be I'll be mad, but most of the time I get shushed and I'm like fuck

Yeah, I could fully understand like yo if it's if it's a proper shush like I'm cool getting shush like that's fine But like don't don't don't encroach on my lifestyle. Yeah, don't shush me. Just add a Spite don't spite shush. I don't even have shush in my like Are like my fucking I was gonna say artillery, but that's not the word. What's the word I'm looking for? Shut up No, what's the word? I'm like not the what's the vocabulary? No, it yeah, but like vernacular No, I was gonna say not artillery. No, it's in my uh

Reservoir not weaponry. What the fuck is the word? Someone knows it in my In my uh, what is it? In my arsenal arsenal I don't even have my shit in my arsenal if someone's being loud. I'll just be like, yo You know like I won't be like shush I think I think I think shush is in my vocabulary and my arsenal. I think I'm very shushable. I could shush someone But I I just know I don't want to be shushed

And then it goes into the They'll be like you sh and then shut up and then it's now it's if you don't shut up and then it's it's a shush off It was shut. It's it becomes a shush off. It's an immediate shush off Also, you are one of the last people I feel bad for anyone who shushes you because you you're just you know You don't mind ruining a time for everyone in this room I'll do it if you're like I have no problem like hey, do you want anything from the uh concession? Shush, and you turn around well We're gonna do it said we're just gonna shush people

We're just gonna shush people that's trying to buy popcorn just trying to boost the economy, sir You want something? What do you want? I like asking people what they want. You need anything Fuck me, right? Yeah All right, it's advertisement time It's advertisement time guys, but before but before we get into the ads I have to I have to ask you one serious question Ask away

Have you ever in your head while we've been working together? Like side by side like doing stuff just been like, you know, I really wish this came with just shut the fuck up I don't think so I think Go the only time which we we like talked about it briefly like the only time was when you were like listening to shit and just audibly breathing And I literally was just like yo, what are you doing?

Like I was Tony Soprano breathing. I was like Dude, so obviously, you know, I'm like watching Sopranos. I'm watching this fucking show and I'm like this guy Can't breathe Everything shim Yeah It's like did they make this guy do 50 push-ups before every take because this guy's like I was like, yo, someone get this guy a fucking ventilator. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, first of all I'm sorry before we get into ads. Yo, I woke up in the middle of the night, right last night

And you know when you have like one of those like cat stretches where you're like You do one of those When I tell you that my eyes and my vision literally turned into a fucking kaleidoscope Oh, yeah Yo, I thought I was dying, son. I just went I will smell up against my wall Why does that happen? I don't know you ever stand up too quick and then you're just looking at someone you're like Whoa

I'm like Yeah, there is no worse feeling than trying to carry on a conversation when either you're about to pass out Or like having a panic attack or having anxiety. You are just A useless person. They'll be like, yo, what do you want to eat? I'd be like, uh, uh, Buttersticks Dude when I was passing out in vermont when I had that food poisoning I was like, yo Pete, I think I'm gonna pass out and he's like what and then I turned around I went to the floor like that old woman in the life alert commercial. I was just like

Yeah, because before you pass out you have to tell people that you're gonna pass out. It's like I'm going down guys. It's happening It's like, yeah, it's like, uh, I just don't really understand why you know You know president trump is doing I'm gonna pass out Oh my god, dude guys, if you're if you're bored during this quarantine, you don't know what to do yourself Do yourself a favor Go to youtube type in people fainting compilation. It's the funniest fucking thing In the world people like on the people like on the news and they're just like, yeah So today we're gonna have a nice weather and it looks like we're just gonna

You see the woman she's like I'm up here on the mountain on some skis and Today he's gonna show us how to ski and then she just goes And hits the ground holds on to the mic and it's just like That's the best part too after people faint the noises they make Yeah, I remember, you know, I like the ones in other countries because like People fainting is just funny, man. I don't know why What do you think your favorite like viral video is of like something along those lines Like the most famous one of like falling down is probably like wine crunch woman

Oh She turned into a troll real quick You know, my favorite one is probably the the weather woman who like they cut to her and she just wasn't making sense And people were worried that she was having a stroke But she was like dehydrated or something. But she's like, it's a very daring Cibbertation tonight. We're gonna just foot jets out on the bits And then she and then it cuts back Did you see that you've seen that right? Yeah, yeah, I see that one

It's a very derisbertation tonight What's talking was talking about the other day is is the black reporter That gets the bucket in his mouth What led to Mike, what's that? What the fuck was that? Shit all in my mouth Oh Man fuck this town I can't even see what

Shit flying in my mouth Piling Let's get the fuck out of this country mother fuck and fuck that town What led to Mike Wood's death Yeah, all right cool What Shit all in my mouth piling I can't even see we you know because the the transfer of the voices are so drastic that I thought it was fake

Complete out of the sides of the spectrum. What led to Mike Wood's death? Oh Shit in my mouth the country motherfucker. Let's do some ads Let's do some ads your country motherfuckers. All right, let's do some ads this country motherfucker fuck that town Shit flying in my mouth Piling That's it. I'm in my eye. I can't see Oh

She kept trying to cheat bitch. She was like she's like hold up. Don't don't stop Bitch fell right out of the bucket No, you know, she lost like the air in her lungs because that's how I sound Oh, yeah, when you hit the ground and you lose the air and you're just like All right, I really gotta get to these ads All right, stop get out of this country motherfucker. All right All right, we're gonna start this off with uh harry's harry's razors. Um harry's is They make great razors that we use all the time. I can't even speak right now. I'm sweating

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Um Also, I just I just wanted to get into something Yeah, for sure because I received a dm from somebody and um It was alarming so It was alarming. Yeah, I'm gonna say that

Uh, it was just a link to a different instagram page And I was curious Because it said you got to check this out and I was like, okay, that's all the convincing I need. I'm very you know easy to convince I'd go to the page now The page Is a man Okay, and this particular man Enjoys wearing diapers

Okay now now Already we're off to a little bit of a hot start. I would say it's a warm start Yeah but then It gets steaming hot Because the man I went to an instagram page and there was a man wearing diapers

Not only was he wearing them, but he was in a primal squat Shitting into the diapers filming it and putting it on instagram. I saw a man feel his diaper Wait, wait one second Was this a man sending it to you? No, is it video? Oh, okay. It was video of a man shitting into a diaper A guy Okay, all right He was and then he was hashtagging hashtagging. He was hashtagging like full diaper And like and then there was another one where he was because I'd be honest with you

I was like, I gotta I gotta see more of this So once I see one man shitting a diaper, I have to see more shitting in diapers I need to see all of this shit in the diaper. I need all that shit He would shit in the diaper and then he would sit in it and then he would he would hashtag squish My man was shitting into a diaper a grown man was shitting into a diaper and then sitting on flat surfaces and squishing it You know, but there's people out there that get off to the fact of that squishy sound like people probably come

to people sitting in shit How does your dick not just Break that's a uti dog. That's a surefire way to get in there and get infected Sitting in poop Gonna play devil's advocate here Maybe stepping in a piece of poop like isn't that bad But sitting in shit Stepping in shit could maybe feel like nice to somebody. I could see how it could feel nice to somebody

Sitting in a shitty diaper probably not because the cleanup's disgusting Probably definitely not that we're talking about shit here If you shit into a diaper and dude, I'm telling you it's way more gross Because the guy is just all you see is like i'm gonna try and not kill my son But all you see is just like this you just see this and the diaper's like this And then all of a sudden it just like It's like it was like you make you know, you ever make popcorn and you're looking at through the microwave And you could see it just opening and you're like rising. It's kind of cool

This guy was making poop popcorn in his fucking Gross and then sitting in it You can't you can't do both dude if you're gonna shit in your diaper fine But you can't just sit you can't just smush it around dude pick one He's probably he's probably he's probably pissing in it. He's probably pissing in it. Let's be he's probably pissing in it too I just didn't see any big I only saw And this dude by the way was taking

shit, bro Like how many fiber womb bars was this man consuming because he's taking mega dumps It was great uh I'm like i'm laughing more at the fact About how enamored by this guy you are I was just like bro It was it was the craziest shit i've ever seen and and he's in the wind

I don't know. I deleted it because I was like spending too much time on it Oh my god Reminds me of that guy that makes his wife pretend to be a baby all day Yeah He makes her pretend to be a baby and he changes her diaper and she's like Listen if i'm a woman Right I'm gonna fuck what I am dude. I'm not a baby

This is my point right if i'm a woman and i'm married to the guy of my dreams And then one day he's and I walk into the bedroom and he's just like this on the ground And he goes Change me I'd be like i'm get i'm taking the kids. I'm getting the fuck out of here clean up the shit in your diaper here And burn this house to the ground Like that's not even role play that's just you have something you're sick like something's wrong with you Yeah, you're where your

I you're something wrong if you're doing that listen you do other people's lives you hear a lot of crazy shit I don't yeah, i'm all i'm all for you doing your role play stuff like whatever, but if you're shitting In the diaper That's wrong I'm sorry I'm gonna have to judge that if you don't have an underlying condition Yeah, if you're not an underlying conditions, you know what i'm saying it's gonna be tough If you're 137 years old and you don't your pants you have no pants

Yeah, even if you have control over your anus Whatever just let it fire. I'll change it past 85. You should be able to shit wherever you want But you made it that far, but if you're in your 40s perfectly healthy strong asshole Let's not poop around let's not poop all over the floor. Yeah, I've been shitting for 31 years I What You ever think about shit like that though like I look at my penis. I'd be like yo my penis is 31 years old Yeah, wow, I've been yeah, that's what i'm saying. You know you ever think about that. What else is that old like trees

Yeah, dude, like you know you've had this I've had the same doodoo track for 31 years And I've been taking poops out of the same butt for 31 years And my penis is physically 31 years old You have to think it's expired. That's a long time. That's a old dick. That's a old Piece of flesh It'd be cool if you could get like a new dick like you change it like a britter filter I would get so many new dicks. I would get new dicks all the time, dude

Actually before that I would I would fucking change this asshole. Maybe every time I got a hair cut Yeah, for sure. I'd just be switching them out. Yeah, I'm just gonna go just like let's uh Go to like pet boys and get your asshole changed Be like westworld Yeah, exactly or at amazon sometimes on amazon when I buy something I'm like I just need to get other stuff so I can justify like a package arriving to my house Like I want to spend like at least 70 bucks or something I throw an asshole in there to a day shipping

Let me get that asshole. Would you would you thrash a robot in westworld? Oh And is it cheating if you thrash a robot in westworld? Do is it cheating? I would BLAST One of those robots in westworld. I would bang like seven of them at once Yeah

Just a whole bunch of robot sex Just like but like and they're like western like old like hookers with like petticoats, right? Yeah, they're like, I hate sugar I'm like, oh, I'm coming. Yeah It would be hard not to because the bar's back then it's like yo saloon doors illegal card game bar stairs up to fuck dungeons. That's what bars were You walk in You work corsets and like had like one liners that I didn't notice but I look at this little Row in the rug. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

He's like, look at this little look at this little snicker doodle pie. I'm like, what the fuck Look what my tumbleweed dragged in Oh, look at the devil weed on you. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't know what you're saying, but you're wearing one of those really tight corsets It's making those tits pop out on top of that shirt. Oh my god. People were so good at speaking an unrecognizable language People were just like, uh, howdy. I wish howdy was still a thing You know what's crazy about western stuff? like

In this day and age you see people screaming at bartenders all the time getting mad about this and that No, whatever's mad at the bartender the bartender's always cleaning the glass and he's wearing a bow tie He's like in good shape. He's good. He's chilling and then there's like gunfights erupting and like people getting banged and like hookers being You know all kind of some dude playing the piano during the shoot out. It's like Go home, dude. Why are you playing the piano during the fucking shoot out? It's like, no You get out and he starts to go. Oh

The crazy thing is that we could have settled our differences with shooting each other in the street And like people would like come Yeah, or just hanging people In the middle. Imagine they just hung people in Times Square all the time and you're like, it's crazy I wonder what he did It's crazy that you just brought that up because Let me ask you

If there was a public hanging would you go? Did you just say you fucking crazy? You just said that if there were hangings in Times Square, I was just talking about this Would you go to like a stony? If it was the time if it was the time would you be like, yo, well, I mean meet you jezakaya stoning tonight town square meet you zikule No, but like if bring the ponies If it's if it's the times then yeah, because it would probably be like also I just got an arm that would just be so

useful in that But no, I'd like today. I don't want to see someone like hang no hanged even I don't hung hunged

I don't want to see someone hung either. I don't want to see somebody get hung. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Make me self-conscious. Make me self-conscious Um No, but I just I don't know. It's just weird that that was sports at one time Yeah, like yo a duel. It's like, yo, you want to pregame this hanging. She's like, yeah, dude Let's go have five tankards of ale and then watch someone die That was their plans for the afternoon, dude Yeah, it's like they would literally get like hanged Yeah, their neck would break and they should be like, oh sick. All right. Let's bounce

She's like, oh, I'm gonna go to the bar get drunk pay 25 cents to go take a bath with a hooker get Fucking I need I'm gonna need a penicillin shot after this and then go to the hanging They did so much dirty sex in the west Yeah, you know, they're not showering and they're riding on horses for months to get to this town Where vagina is just like immune to

disease back then was Was there like a constant burning when peeing back then? Yeah, people died of many like syphilis and shit people died of all that shit Yeah, people died of diarrhea if people dude if people still died of diarrhea, I would have been dead at two years old Well, it's happening now, but that's probably a part of it. What? Is is diarrhea part of of the my tenderoni? What? Remember my tenderoni

No You don't remember my like tenderoni rice Oh, you're singing my little pony My little pony my little pony And you just made up a song for them. I just made up a song called my tenderoni my tenderoni It's my little pony. What the fuck is wrong? That's why I was confused dude quarantine day 14. Welcome back to the stank You know what's going on anymore. Oh my god, I have no idea what's going on I can't wait to see what I'm going to look like coming out of this quarantine

I'm going to need a haircut maybe immediately My beard is already long. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really don't you could probably just shave it Or trim it or whatever Yeah, I do have electricity Yeah, we're not a mish. I can't cut my hair though No, me neither I got a haircut like the day before the quarantine. So I like I was like, okay The back of my neck is going to be hideous

Yeah, it's going to look like the like the wheat field that Russell crow brushes by and gladiator. That's what it's going to look like Yeah, it's your your the back of your neck is going to look like that weird kid in school that smelled weird But he was mad good at handball And for some reason at the beginning of every gym class he would like matrix run on the corner of the walls You would see me run up the wall not not really Every every gym class had a kid who would just run up the walls I'll tell you this. Why are you running along the pads of the walls? I've tried to run up a wall before I have to I have tried to dunk. I'm not good. I'm not good at it. So that's why I'm making fun of it

But there was always a karate kid too in gym class. Oh, yeah, or he'd like a kid who was like a man good at nunchucks Like no, you're not I'm like, dude, you're just waiting imaginary nunchucks in gym class He's like, yeah, you're warming up to pitch. He's like, no, I'm good He's like, no, I'm just keeping my form together I always like that one how the nunchuck catch it always comes under the arm part. They're like Oh Yo, there was a kid in my middle school, right Damn, that was really good. Thanks. There was a kid in my middle school

And he was like a weird emo kind of kid All right, you know the the kind that would like make cat noises for no reason. You're like, what's the fuck's going on? Or like he would dress like his pants were like mad baggy and they had chains Slipknot shirts, but then he'd have like a hello kitty backpack and I'm like, this is like confusing Like he just wasn't a conformist, bro It was just like that's this is a japanese girl's backpack and this is a you know A psycho's outfit here, but he was one of those and He used to do the running up the wall thing, right? This is told you those kids love matrix running. This isn't all did it

but listen This kid was trying to do it Because like Before school we had to walk into this big yard in the back Where all the kids would go then they'd sound the bell and everyone would go in, right? So We get there. It's the it's 9 a.m. Dude. This kid goes to run up the wall And slips on his way there

Smashes his head on the wall and he's out cold. No. Yeah. What grade was this? This was seventh grade It was awesome, dude It was so I was like, oh Dude, it was insane. He was all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he was out though. Dude. I thought I honestly thought he was dead Seeing people fall down Is still single-handedly the funniest thing on planet earth the more slipping the better, dude

When someone's like, oh Whoa That video of that dad watching all those kids fall in that patch of ice instead of getting out and telling them Hey, there's a patch of ice there. There's one of my favorite videos favorites Favis Favis favorite videos of all time. No. Yeah, it's great dude Oh god

What were we talking about before? I don't know this kid just slammed his head on a wall and almost died in my school Did he have a weird mustache? No, he did have like a weird like fro kind of thing Yeah, their their hair is weird. They do weird hair stuff another time We couldn't go into school until like noon. They just kept us out in the yard because there was a squirrel in the school I swear to god, it's a real thing They wouldn't let anyone go in because there was a squirrel in the school and they were trying to get it out It was great. I was I just played mad basketball, dude. I was just like hi, babe. Haha

Do you remember? when you were a kid When you would go to class were you guys allowed to wear hats? In class remember when you got old enough to wear hats in class. I was like, yo, this is sick Yeah, college No high school. We were able to wear hats not me. I went to a catholic high school. Also if I wore a fucking undershirt that was orange. They fucking give me detention Ah, yeah, that's right. I forgot you went to catholic school. No, dude. We used to be able to wear fitted hats like Yankee fittings every day to school

Tim's and shit. Yeah, it was dope Were you allowed to eat in class? Like nothing crazy not like a sandwich, but like a maybe like a welch's grapefruit snacks bag I think so Those are good. I wish I got those at Costco. Yeah, um, I think so But there were some teachers that were like get that at like they were probably, you know, some were cooler with it than others What about water bottles? Did you have like a refillable water bottle? No

No, I had a Nalgene You had a who? I think it's called the Nalgene Nalgene It was one of those it was one of those plastic ones They had like the screw top and they were huge and like obnoxiously big they were for like mountain climbers and shit a Nalgene Oh, yeah, yeah, my mom's got this shit. Yeah, I had a Nalgene

And you just carried that around. Yeah, I just carried a Nalgene around like a baby I thought it was like because it was because I wanted to drink a lot of water and I was like I don't want to have to refill it all the time and I hate I hate those water fountains to tell you how many bottles they've saved I think it's bullshit Probably It's just like the people just walk by and hold their hand over this for hours. Yeah Yeah, also like Wait, you just said the thing carried around like a baby

Did you ever do that thing in like middle school or high school where you had to carry something around? And yeah, like a baby. Yeah, we had Baby dolls We had that in middle school We had baby dolls have a cry if you like shook it. No, we didn't have any of that. We had it was it was a bag of flour You had to carry around a bag of flour and pretend it was a baby Mind you, this is middle school So and it wasn't the best middle school. We're talking public school here in in queens and

There was this one kid this kid carlos dude This kid took his bag of flour Dumped it all over some girl It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life obvious fail Cut the baby's neck let it bleed all over this girl And it was just like ah, and there was power Everywhere, it was the cost of the man. Yeah, he was no we had babies that would cry like they were like they were little toy baby

dolls and like if you like wiggled it around So like then you had in the middle of the night sometimes they would cry and you would have to wake up in the middle of the night and get the baby to stop crying I was in high school. Why are you doing this to me? I have practice somewhere. Yeah I have nine other classes to go to why the why is this happening? Yeah, I would not sign up for that Did I ever tell you I almost got stabbed in middle school? Yes Didn't you guys have like turf wars or like? Oh, yeah, not that that was that was more of like just fighting but like oh, yeah There was a girl who came to school

with like a knife And she had a list And I was number three Oh, I thought you said she had a lisp No, no, no, she had a list. I'm good. That's junger. They have a shit out of you But she had a list and I was number three on it mind you Damn, what'd you do? What'd you do to this girl? I never had a class with her You want to know what it is? It's your face. Sometimes it's your face

But I was a much more innocent looking boy back then. Yeah, but now you have like kind of a face I gotta yeah, no, I know that I know I guess I could see somebody that wants to stick you No, I got a punch. I got a punchable face people like look at this. Fuck. I just want to hit him I don't know why I know that but back then I was just a baby faced little, you know, twink Did she stab one or two No, she didn't stab anybody. I don't think she was actually gonna stab anyone. I think she was because She was like she was like an attention Seeker person remember I thought I got stabbed in Austin

Yeah, because a guy poked Danny and he thought he got stabbed Yo, he walked up poked me and just went like this I was like, yo, what was that? Maybe he was telling you like I will stab you. Yeah, that's what I thought or maybe he was trying to steal something out of my Pock or something, but he poked me and the belly. It was weird Or maybe he just liked you That too That too

Used to poke people on facebook that you liked remember that? Yeah, tummy sticks What wedding crashers tummy sticks? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Let's play tummy sticks. I don't even know what that means by the way. Let's play tummy sticks We've had two wedding crashing references Uh One of the funniest movies of all time. I just got a text from somebody I know Um, and I know people were mad that I was looking at the phone last time So this is why I want to bring this up one. It's a pandemic. Uh, you don't know who's texting you

Someone close to me just texted me and said that they've lost all sense of taste And smell and that's terrifying. I'll tell you off air who it was. Um, do I know them? Yes Is it one of my friends? We'll do it off air. Oh boy. Yeah, but uh, he's like, yeah So like two days ago, I lost all sense of this and this and now he's like sick sick now Well, that's those are symptoms of corona. Yeah, he definitely has it. Um Also someone close to me passed out last night Uh

After going to the bathroom, they passed out. They're an older person, but like they passed out. It's not my parents, but uh Is that you or me? What like a truck? Oh, I think that's me. Oh, okay. Sorry That's my truck. No, um I was looking at the phone because I didn't have the proper audio equipment So I had to look at joe's face. So I was looking down and I was on the phone with joe I wasn't like going through my phone. Yeah, because we're FaceTiming now. Yeah. Yeah, and then recording audio On our usual recording device and then we have our camera. So there's a lot going on So that's why I knew you were looking down. You were looking at your phone that I'm on I think

I was looking at joe's face the entire time But then now it's like even with the laptop here I have to like make sure this because I don't want people to yell at me. I'm mad fragile during this quarantine My boy is scared up My windows my boat my windows only stay open for two hours a day What does that mean? I got a timer on it. I'll tell you this though starting to lose it Lose what just like the sense of like

You can go outside, but you can't like what's going on I mean, I think you can you can definitely go outside. Just don't like Don't frolic around The only thing because you need to stop exercising in the park joe. I did I did I did I did you need to stop this I don't this idea that the park is clean. No, I don't think that walking Astronomically insane to me. Let me just say this. I stopped going to the park. I only went three times and when I would go to the park and do workouts there, I would

Get home and take my shoes off immediately and then Wipe down my phone wallet and keys with a Clorox wipe and then wash my hands nice phone wallet keys Or I would take a shower immediately too Stay out of the park. No more parks for you. No more parks. Yeah, I'm done. Yeah Uh, the only put like now I'm just working out in my in my house I only come here who no one's here and then I go to my mom's if one of them get it then we all get it Yeah, yeah, I feel you. I mean, we're not we're not going anywhere. No, no one's stopping. No one's stopping. Uh I was gonna say this train, but like I don't really like that saying

Oh boy, nobody's stopping this train. It has a I just like a sexual trains Oh, so that that's a rape Yeah, no one's stopping this train and you're like, oh Take it easy. Let's get consent before you say stuff like there's a couple people who could intervene here That's all I'm gonna say the police the supreme court. There's a couple FBI. I can keep going on CIA We all have family members in the CIA Yeah, but you know, I'm hanging in there. I miss my friends though. That's for sure Yeah, I miss a miss a human interaction with my friends. Yeah. Yeah, I miss farting in your apartment

Yeah Miss pooping in your apartment nice Exploding poop out into into your diaper in my apartment. I uh, I wonder how many people in this toilet power I I can't even talk today. I feel like people in this toilet paper crisis. I wonder how many have resorted to actually buying diapers I'd like to I'd I'd like to submit zero as my answer dude

People I probably have diapers on right now because of the quarantine. They're wearing diapers 100 percent. You can't fucking move me on this I am a mountain You think people have already ran out of toilet paper that they're resulting to diapers No, I think some people were a little too slow to get to teepee for their butthole So they had to get diapers and their shit and then pee in and diapers or wiping their ass with paper towel Dude, if I have to start wiping my ass with paper towel Just end me because that'll be the end of this anus Bro, I take one shit. I go into the bathroom and the toilet paper is gone

Really? Someone's coming in here and taking my shit No pun intended Someone's come someone's sneaking in here and shitting and using my toilet paper because maybe you got to start using less squares Too many squares Shouldn't that ain't such a big my pie shouldn't that such a big my pie Guys we go too many squares too many squares too many squares I don't know man. There's there's some kind of fucking poop ring going on people breaking in stealing fucking teepee and shit. I understand man

It's getting scary Maybe the maybe the bless uh the cure to coronaviruses that thing where you put other people's shit in your ass The fecal transplants fecal transplant we should we should start trying that see if people be covid with it Can you imagine that was like a real thing? It's like the only way that we can cure the coronavirus if you start pooping into each other's butts I would poop into your ass Yeah, if it meant saving your life, I would shit in your ass dude. No questions. How would we even go about that? We'd get a double sided funnel probably or one funnel I'd insert to your anus

I'd squat over and poop down the funnel into your butthole And then you'd have to mash it up like you're making guacamole Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get one of those weird made out of stone granite bowls that all moms have I can't put stone in this ass And then that little pounder that little heavy pounder stick that they use to pound the guac And we'll pound pound Pound my poop right down the funnel and it'll go right in your butt and I'll save your life How's that sound? That sounds good to me. That's heroic

Yeah, dude, you need to write a script and submit that The corona. Yeah, we got them to write a we should Dude, you should write movies We should go on the road. Yeah A lot of people will come to the concerts too right now too for sure We just want dudes in there in the back. Yeah Corona, it's not real. Yeah Um, all right. Well, I think we could wrap this up

um It's been a pleasure talking about inserting each other's poops and nun chucks and you know running up walls with you You know Uh for for those who don't know where you're gonna be back on schedule as far as patreon goes so monday you will have The next week's episode Again, because we're gonna be recording in two days um Dan

So that's that all that Um, these sweaters are available for purchase the san agar store.com. Go get them. All right, danny. Where can they find you? Find me in the dojo. Yeah Add daniel or purely on instagram and twitter or just in my house Toilet paperless guys go follow the show at the basement yard Go to the patreon patreon.com slash the basement yard and uh, go check out other people's lives We just talked to a like a doomsday prepper on this week's episode. It was very interesting. Yeah, the guy was intense I was actually afraid of him. Did you have a bug? Did you have a bug out back?

Yes, many. Yeah So go check that out and uh, yeah, we'll see you guys next time. Bye Oh